#113 - Jon Gabrus
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Welcome everybody to Stavi's World. 904-800-STAV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. We're continuing our Los Angeles series, Hollywood Halkies.

And we are taking... We get some of our favorites from L.A., and I'm pumped to have on the couch John Gabrus. Oh, pumped to be here. Thanks for being here, dude. Oh, hell yeah. I can't believe we're in the same location. It feels wrong, right? There's like nine bear chasers slash podcast freaks who are so hyped for this. Oh, there's one guy. There's one gay podcast fan that this would be... He'd get so hard, dude. He's the one who responds to my pics on the toilet with, I wish that was me.

Yeah. I read those message requests and I don't respond. There's a guy, and I don't know if I should keep talking. He probably does. I legit think he doesn't speak English. But my most recent...

gay guy that wants to fuck me is I believe a Turkish guy that's just been blowing me every story gets a response it is funny to know just have a little piece of what an insanely hot woman goes through I have since talked to girls that I know I'm like I get it I can only imagine what it's like for you we get 1% of it yeah

But imagine that a hundred times a day. I know. And I understand for a woman might have a hard time. I get a slash of flattery out of it. Yes. Because I'm not getting chicks posting their tits like, oh, I love your podcast. Yes, yes, yes. I get some dude who's like, fuck me, daddy. And I'm like, oh. And I'm like, I just be like, you know, it feels good to be attractive. Yeah.

Or some girl will be like, you remind me of my husband. Then I'll like click through and look at her husband. I'll be like, fuck you. Fuck you. That's a real tough one. That's mean. Yes. I know. I don't look, I look like that, but I drink water. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it is what that'll happen to me where I'll be at a show and a woman's being very flirty, but in a way that I'm like,

I don't... She's being so floydy, but some of my spider sense is like, I can't fuck this woman. It's like, I could just tell. And then I'm like, what's going on here, though? She's even, like, touching an arm. And then I'm like, as I'm trying to put it together, the fattest guy you've ever seen in the world comes up and, like, grabs her by the waist and is like, we love the show, bro. And it's like, ah...

That's what it is. Sometimes they're like honey trapping you as like for their husband, the fan. Oh shit. I have blue hair and my tits are out. And they're like, Hey, stop. You should get a drink with us. Her husband who looks like you, like your before picture is like, I'm a huge fan. Oh fuck.

Is he a big fat, fat podcaster? Dude, a couple of the first tours I went on, how many like, like one fucking Moscow mule I had to sit through when I got like a DM that's like a girl. It's a picture like, come meet us for a drink. I don't think who the us is. I just see like, I just see a high woman. I'm like, oh,

I'm like, oh, I'm going to fuck this bitch and a girl that's even hotter than her. All I have to do is go meet them for a drink and it's fully, sometimes it's five guys and she's not even there. She's like, all right, well, I'll see you guys later. I've done my due diligence here. The only worst fan interaction in the list, I call, I should say listener interaction because I don't know if they're actually fans because the way they behave, they'll come up and be like, you're a fat fucking pig and your dead father hates you. Ha ha.

And it's like, wait, no, no, no. That's how I talk about myself. Right, right, right. For entertainment. Yes, yes, yes. You just whispering that to me is absolutely traumatizing. I don't know you at all. I know. Probably because you're a little dick and big cut is a terrible problem, right? I'm like, yo. Fuck you, man. I don't know you. We're not friends.

And I will, like, you'll make me, I'll get my ass kicked, but I'll swing on you if you keep doing this, dude. I will fucking swing on you. Yeah, dude, it is fucking hilarious. But I love you. Yeah, thanks for being here. Because this does, you know, we've never met in person, actually. I've been a fan for a long time. Same, same, yeah. Back in the day of the, like, you know, I'm sure you get this all the time, but starting with Gino Lombardo. Oh, hell yeah. I was at my, at my, um...

paralegal job where I did nothing, where I truly was listening to podcasts. One day I listened to an eight-hour podcast about the Roman Empire just the whole day. Didn't pause once, right? And that's where the first time, this was like years ago, this must have been like when you were just on that. And then I've been following you ever since. And it does feel like

I like... It feels like now that the Spider-Verse or like the multiverse is like a concept everybody understands. Yeah. It does kind of feel like we're multiverse versions of each other. It totally does. It does feel crazy that this is our first time overlapping. Yes, yes, yes. It's like we walked... We were both walking backwards and bumped into each other. Right, right.

What are you doing on this case? Yeah. The FBI sent me. Well, the LAPD sent me. Right, right, right, right. No, absolutely. Yeah. I've been a fan for a long time too. Thanks, man. Truly. I, someone was like, you and Stavi are long lost brothers. Just someone sent that text to me and I had no context. I'm like, what do you mean? And then I clicked through a search and I was like, oh yeah,

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Mediterranean cousins. Yeah, that's for sure. Our lives took slightly different paths. Because you've been married forever, right? Yes. I've been with the same chick since college. Yeah. Over 20 years. Oh, college. Wow. We started dating junior year of college. Holy shit. Where'd you go to school? I went to Marist College in Poughkeepsie, New York, which is like a...

from Catholic high schools in the Tri-States. All the coolest guys. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a million chicks named some version of Christina, Christine, Kristen, Kirsten, Chrissy, Kiri, and they all just are PR majors. Yeah, dude, hell yeah. And you were both there. That's where you found love. Yeah, we found love in intro to communications, which the irony when we're in couples therapy, we met as communications majors and we cannot figure it out. It's true.

Yeah, dude. That's because I always think about that where I'll be like, oh, what if I just met a wonderful woman in college and I wouldn't have to be this fucking pathetic, constantly trying to get pussy guy? Like, I literally look at you. I'm like, is that what my life would be like? It would be like that. You'd be just chasing. Your new pussy would be validation. Yeah. Yeah.

You're like, I got the pussy on lock. We got that too. I don't got that either. Yeah, it was a crazy experience being in my early 20s. Like I ended up bonding with like my buddy Adam Pally because he also had a long-term girlfriend that's now his wife. So we were like the only two 20-somethings that had like five-year girlfriends. Yeah, dude. That's fucking wild. So we were like, we can't.

we don't want to go out to the bar after. We want, our wives are here. Let's go get dinner or whatever. Right, right, right. So then we ended up, and then I always felt like kind of mature. And now I'm so glad I wasn't single in my 20s in the early aughts. I'd be like, there'd be like a Reddit thread about me. Yeah.

You would have to end up putting a notes apology and then a donation to some fucking cause after you let me out. Yeah, I'd have to fucking do like a, I would have to do direct to camera self-held apology. I did not know about the allegations. We're taking down all the clips and then we are donating to, I keep wanting to say a charity, but that's going to make you seem like I'm telling on myself. Yeah, yeah. Rwandan genocide or whatever. It's like, what did he do?

I just heard about the events in the UCB green room in 2008. I had no idea. He's being called the Coney of UCB. What does that mean he did? Well, they did have a child's improv class and he trained them up into a militia. He also fucked a couple of them.

Coney style. Yeah, dude. No, because you were, yeah, I mean, I could see that. You're just a little older and you are from Long Island. Yeah, which is its own form of trash. Exactly. So I definitely think you would have been susceptible to minor sex crimes. Oh, yeah. If you were not in a relationship. If iPhones existed. Yeah. Period. Like I dodged such a bullet.

I remember when my buddy got a digital camera, like a Canon L 3.2 megapixels. It was like $500. We were like 20. This is 2002. And he's like, bro, it's the best blackout prevention. And I was like, huh? And he'd be like, look at last night. And we'd be like, oh, and then I was once, uh, smartphones came around and you're like, this is why you have to take selfies for the next day. I'm like, we were at McCoy's steakhouse. Yeah.

That's fucking awesome, dude. Yeah, I mean, that is a nice... I guess you did just catch it before the ubiquity of iPhones. When people talk about that elder millennial shit of like being... That just means you printed up black and white JPEGs of naked chicks and jerked off to them. Yeah.

Dad's like, are you still using the computer? Like, shut the fuck up. I have a science project tomorrow. It's just Jenny McCarthy standing topless, no background. Because if it had a background, it would be like, eat all the ink. Who the fuck ate all the fucking ink? You taught yourself how to use MS Paint solely to remove background so you could print tits easier? Yeah.

Like, that is just such a specific time in technology when I was like, yes, you can find pornographic images online, but I still can't jerk off at the family computer. Right. So I have to, like, print and then hide. So it's like the bridge between magazines and Pornhub for me. I jerked off at the family computer. Oh, I eventually got into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I...

I used to, we had like a, the, the first big screen I've ever seen when we moved at 14 to one of those, like you can't have the wind, like you can't have the shades open when you try to watch it. Cause it's like barely, it's like just a low lamp that makes it. It's like, and it's like 700 pounds and it had a VCR on top of it. And this was the era of VHS porn and we would have one in the neighborhood. So if you were like staying home sick from school, you'd be like, Hey Dennis, leave it behind your pool.

and you'd have to like sneak out, get the VHS set, bring it back to your house while your parents are at work.

I was beaten up so much to VCR porn that there was a blue screen that said auto tracking. I gave myself like a Pavlovian hard on to the point when I would like rent a movie with my family and put in a movie and say auto tracking. My body would be like, let's fucking go. It's not getting hard. You're about to watch an officer and a gentleman with your mom. And your dick is getting hard. My dad's like, are you hard at the beginning of Commando again?

Yeah. It's just beautiful, the life he's carved out with his daughter. Poor Alyssa Milano. I hope she's okay. Yeah.

This is a boner of fear for the child. For what might happen. Dude, yeah, that's fucking hilarious. So do you remember what the porno was? Yes. Was it a specific one? There was two that we had in the neighborhood for a long time, and it was Passenger 69 Part 2. Love that. Yeah. Which featured a, honestly, it might have been shot in this studio. Yeah, yeah.

Like it featured a fake 69 on a parachute scene. So it was like they were 69ing with just two ropes going off camera and audible fans blowing on them as if they were skydiving. It was so awesome. And it's so funny. We had like the two removed from a good porno. You know what I mean? I would have killed it just to have like it's four different sex scenes. Instead, the other one we had in the neighborhood was called E3 the Extra Testicle.

And it was like a joke porno. It was like a joke porno. It was like the one thing that we could jerk off to had the main character be a blue guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm so, this is so. And was it a guy whose dick was coming through the blue thing? Yes. This is, it's so crazy that you bring this up. I remember nothing about the porno except they do one like special effects closeup of his dick. And it's like,

blue and pulsing with like glowing and stuff like that and it's all fake like a big it looks like the aggro crag on guts or something there's like a fucking atmosphere and dry ice or something it's steaming off and you're like I just want to see titties now I've got to like be triggered by a blue fucking glowing dick yeah yeah

And they were like, legally had to make him blue too. They're like, can't be brown. Can't be brown. We got sued by Spielberg again. We got to lose the Reese's Pieces in the girl's asshole part. No, they can't be Skittles either. Too close. We can't say taste the rainbow when he comes out with shit all over his face. He can do dots. We negotiated. We can get dots. That's it. Yeah, well, we know it looks like toilet paper when it's in her ass. We can't help that.

No, Raisinets won't work. They'll look like shit. Come on, man. Yeah, we had fat. My dad's porno that we found was Loose Times at Ridgely High. Oh, hell yeah. So I also had like a novelty porno. And it was just very, you know, there was obviously a, the Spicola character is really the only one. Who gets laid? No, they parodied. Everything else was just like, it's just high school. Well, yeah, there's like a weird abortion scene. Yeah, they kept that. There's not a lot of stuff you need to do like that.

They keep the fucking harrowing abortion scene. Where you're like, I remember being a kid and being like, nice. There's probably tits. I remember like you hear about the, you know, you see in What's Your Face's tit, the famous Phoebe Cates is like, I'm like, yes, dude. I see your fucking tits. Spicoli's hilarious. You know what I mean? I'm like, I'm so bummed to see this movie. And then that girl like gets...

not exactly assaulted but like it's like weird it's like an old guy taking advantage of the older guy it doesn't let you enjoy dude the amount of movies from our childhood like we watch a lot of old movies on Action Boys my podcast and Action Boys is great by the way oh thank you so much I will fucking I don't like to listen to comedy podcasts understand but I got into I got into like and then I was like listening to a lot of sports stuff but then I got really into like

I'm just watching so many movies over the last year. I took time off touring and I was just looking for shit to like, you know, I was just trying to find stuff and I didn't even know you did it. Cause it was, you know, Patreon, I guess. And it's kind of like, but I found the, like, uh, the ones you put out for free. Yeah. And it's so fucking funny. You guys are fucking hilarious. Thank you. It's like the, the, the, so now every time I'll just like, if I watch an action movie just for fun,

I'll be like... I will, like, a couple days later, be like, I wonder if they checked it out. And I'll just... I'm on the Patreon now. I'll just search it. So that's... I don't listen chronologically, but I'm like, whenever I... Because I feel like we have very similar taste in movies. Oh, sure, yeah. So whenever I just happen to watch fucking... Like, we just watched...

Fuck. What did we just watch, Elders? With Harrison Ford? Oh, Air Force One. Air Force One. And I was like, there's no way they haven't done Air Force One. And then I was like, all right, hell yeah, dude. That's so awesome. So anyway, but yeah, that's a great podcast. But you watch a lot of these old movies and you're like, I remember there being titties in this movie when I was a kid. And then the titties are during like a sexual assault or rape.

And you're like, oh, wait a minute. She's being held hostage. She's scared. Yeah, could that have really fucked my brain up being... So the times I saw tits in movies were attached to violence against women. Yeah, it's very possible. And I'm always like, that gives me a hard-on, but now when I watch it, I'm like, this is like, they're cutting her shirt off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is this why everyone's choking? Yeah.

Is this why the whole, our entire, everyone who's this age is choking? I don't want to get political, but it does feel like everyone in power grew up on these movies but didn't understand, like, detachment. Like, there are people who are, like, on the cops and Rambo's side. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. There are people who are like, Tony Soprano is right. He's awesome. And back to blue, by the way. My favorite guy is a mafia guy and also the cops. Yeah, yeah. Cool.

Complex, you contain multitudes. You're so smart, dude. I don't have one in my mouth. There you go. Hell yeah. Folks, you know what I want you to do? Create an oasis with Thuma, a modern design company that specializes in furniture and home goods. They strip away everything but the essential, okay? Thuma makes elevated beds with premium materials and intentional details. I have one of these myself, and I love it. Look.

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Gethsemane. I mean, that's Long Island to a T, though. Yeah, being a 42-year-old guy with a backwards hat and shorts on. And being like, the cops are awesome. Dude, cops were the most aspirational job of my generation. Like, in the 80s and 90s, the stereotype was like, you got to be a doctor or a lawyer. But on Long Island, it's like, a Suffolk County cop actually makes six figures. Yeah.

That's like widely known. The Suffolk County cops are the highest paid cops like in America. Interesting. And we lived in Nassau, which is a little trashier. But my family would be like, you know, you could be a Suffolk cop. I think like that was like going to grad school or something.

It's like two years of college. You get a gun and six figures. You get a gun. You get all the overtime you want. You work a giant as security. Basically shake them down. Just stand there and beat a kid who shoplifts candy to fucking. And your kid will just be the worst behaved kid in school because he knows he can't get in too much trouble. Like always all the cops kids in my school would be like the speeders. The guys would be like, I'll go pick up all. The one thing you'd like about them is like, I'll go buy all the beer. And you're like, oh,

hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. Because you got that PBA card. Of course, dude. You're Sergeant so-and-so. You're Sergeant Nunzio's kid. That's what's long. Sergeant Feldman and Sergeant Nunzio's kids are here. I know. I love how cops act like justice and the law is like working at Cold Stone and giving yourself an extra scoop of ice cream. You're like...

Yeah, I get drunk driving. I'm a cop. I work at the drunk driving store. I'm allowed to let myself drunk drive a little bit. Dude, I know cops who just drive on the shoulder in full traffic, like on the highway. Going nowhere. It's fine. It's like, I just want to go to the gym. I want to go take Tren and do curls. If I don't shrug in the next 15 minutes, I'm going to hit my wife harder when I get home.

I got to get to 24-hour fitness and then get home in time because my son's private batting coach is coming over. Yeah, dude, that's fucking awesome. I mean, it just is so funny that that childhood must have been like a very funny... Because Long Island just is such a...

Being a New York City suburb is such a funny thing to be. It's so crazy. Because you're so close to New York, and it is truly a fully different world. Yeah, I think we have a lot of famous comedians come out of there, Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld, Tim Dillon. Yeah, yeah. Tim Dillon used to say it's 45 minutes away and 45 years behind New York City. Yeah.

And it really is. It just, like, it's full of a bunch of people who go like, why would I go to New York shit? Yeah. You're like, oh, cause it's a place where people fly from all over the world to visit because it's like an amazing, like one of the top cities in the universe. Of course. But I got a Thai restaurant right here. Yeah. In Manhattan. Yeah. I got a Thai restaurant. They got the best teriyaki I ever had. I'm going to leave out family members names, but like my brother eats like, uh,

Chicken tempura sushi. I'm like, that's a chicken tender with rice on it. Why would I go to the city? Like, it just, to me, it was so crazy. I moved to Brooklyn. My family thought it was crazy that I lived in Brooklyn. They were like, you could live at home and just drive in. And I'm like, no, you cannot.

not. I can't like get coffee. Like I want to live this, I want to live like a city life. It is very funny because it's like, there's like, that's not true of any of the other suburbs. If you go to like fucking Westchester, it feels like what you would assume New York suburbs are. It's like, you know, like people just got tired of living in the city, even parts of Jersey. But yeah, truly Long Island is like...

How did you get all the culturally worst parts of New York? Yes, and none of the progressive, none of the interesting, none of the art scene. It's like you bred it with Ohio. No disrespect, Elvis. But you bred, like, the parts of Queens that voted for Trump with fucking, like, Cincinnati. Right.

And you're like, yep, we're going to fucking, this is where we're fucking going. Actually, that might be disrespectful to Cincinnati. Yeah, no, I think Cincinnati is rightfully offended at that point. It's actually kind of nicer. We had a good time in Cincinnati. Yeah, I don't even know what the crossbreed is. Yeah, Long Island in the 80s and 90s was fucking crazy. It was like...

Not a lot of comedians, the circles I run in at the soft-ass improv groups, no one was like... I was like, you didn't get jumped all the time? And they're like, what are you talking about? I was like, I just jumped all the time. They're like, how? I'm like, I don't know why. It just happened. My name, my last name is Gabrus. And my high school football coach, who was also a history teacher, my nickname was Gay Boy. The gym teacher called me Grab Ass.

And the fucking dean of admissions called me garbage. There's three adult men who bullied me. If I didn't fucking shoot up my school, I had to do comedy. If not, I was going to fucking... Once Columbine happened, a lot of people in my school would be like, okay. Interesting.

If only there was a way to get guns not from black people, because we are racist. Oh, yeah, we're still racist. Like, in their heads, they're like, well, you know, I can get a gun if I talk to a minority. That's the only thing stopping me from shooting up the school.

That's fucking hilarious, dude. So you grow up there and you're growing up there and how many... You have brothers, right? I have two younger brothers. Oh, you're the oldest. I'm the oldest of three. And my dad was a stagehand and my mom was a nurse. So they worked the weird hours, not the traditional school hours. So we were like fucking loose children. You were loose to go. Yeah, we were feral. That's awesome. Me and my brother are three years apart. And then we have another brother who's seven or eight years younger than me. And so we had like a...

we would be like fully experimenting on this kid. Yo, I bet you if we put the hamper upside down with him in it, he can't get out. When I talk about some of the shit we did, I see my therapist, like I talk like it's funny and he's like, so where was your parents during this? I'm like, oh, they were gone for like 12 hours. I was like, oh yeah, you know, me and my brother, we had a set of lacrosse gloves. One was left, one was right. My brother was lefty, I was righty. What did we do? Tie our other hands together and just fight with one glove each.

Just straight up tie these two hands together with a karate belt. Of course. Dude. Ooh, Long Island karate, dude. You had to. I had a Korean war vet, an Italian guy who had USMC tattooed on his knuckles. Oh, hell yes. And he was my karate teacher. He was my sensei. Sensei Nick. Sensei Nick? In his garage. That's fucking awesome. Wait, here's the fucking beater. Elvis, do we have a fucking sandbag? Sorry, just to get you going. No, no, it's all good. Tell me about Sensei Nick, bro. Sensei Nick.

was this straight like Ginzo gangster dude, Korean war vet, USMC on his, and he, me and my brother started taking Taekwondo there because he was like a local Freeport guy. And that was like where all my relatives were from. I love that he picked up Taekwondo. That is the Korean martial arts. Yes. So he's like learning in Korea. Yeah. And he's like, I'll bring it back and teach it to the worst kids I've ever met.

I will teach some of the worst bullies in Long Island. On Long Island, I will teach them how to fight. I will empower these bullies. Yeah, yeah. I will give these two kids the ability to kick each other in the face when they're home alone.

But the worst part is like just as we got old enough to think it was gay and we didn't want to do it anymore, my dad started doing it. After driving us to and from, he got so into it that towards the end of our time there, he started off with the adult class. That's hilarious. And so then we were like 16 thinking that the fact that we did karate was corny, going to my dad's black belt test in a VFW. Oh, no.

Your dad's fucking fully breaking fucking... I've got a picture on my Instagram. Oh, here we go. Here comes Mysterious Moe with the sandbag. Here comes my father. Yeah, yeah. We'll blur your face out, Moe. Don't worry. Blur out his hands, too. I don't want them knowing what race he is.

Yeah, that's why we nicknamed him Moe. It's like one of those. It could be anything. Moe really could be anything, truly. I would not be surprised. Could be a little gay Asian guy. Could be the fattest black guy you ever met in your life. Could be short for Muhammad. Yeah, yeah. It's everything. There's Italians.

I know Greeks named Moe. Oh, hell yeah. Moe is a very common name. Moe can fuck it. It's like those Hispanic guys that also play Taliban guy. You know what I mean? Moe is one of those, you can do whatever with Moe, dude. There's that dude who's in Training Day who's played, I think he's actually Polynesian. Yes, yes. He's played every minority gangster. Yes, yes, yes. I know that guy. I know exactly who you're talking about.

Yeah, we went to my dad's black belt test. He's breaking bricks and shit. There was a demonstration. This is one of my core memories of my childhood. There was a demonstration by a second degree black belt who we only knew as Joey. And he had a blonde curly mullet. Love it. And he did commas, which are those little sticks with the hooked blade that look like sickles. He did two of those. He did a routine set to snaps, I got the power. Yeah.

Which was a song from Perfect Weapon in which Jeff Speakman does that with two sticks to a couch. So it was like, he's like clearly doing a movie reference. Like it's so fucking funny. And he's like...

And it was like... And he's nice with it? And now I'm like, fuck, why didn't I just stick with karate forever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be such a cool thing. I do take martial arts again. You're back. You're back in the zone, dude. I've got to the point in my life where I've started caring less about succeeding in the industry and more about like...

gaining levels like I'm some sort of RPG character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're doing side quests. I'm like, I'm gonna learn Spanish and Jeet Kune Do this year. Yeah, yeah. I'm Link and I'm fishing all day. Right, exactly. Fuck figuring out the puzzles. I'm fucking making stews. Yeah, that was like, I got like Skyrim and Vaporizer at the same week when I lived in Brooklyn and I was unemployed and my wife would come out and I'd be like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm making gloves. She's like, what? I'm like,

I made like 40 gloves. It's like three in the morning. And I'm like, she's like, like I see it in her face and she's like, you don't even like work this hard on anything in real life.

You became a glove merchant, essentially. Yeah. You're like, I'm imagining, I'm like, I could probably have learned how to actually make gloves. 100%. You could have been making bespoke gloves for yourself. Or at least walked on a treadmill. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so fucking, yeah, that's so, it's funny to think about that, going through that era with a wife. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Because I went through it with Eldis on our couch in Queens. I'm just fucking playing Red Dead Redemption high as shit. But it's like, I can't even imagine the woman I'm spending my life with seeing me like that over and over again. Especially when she had a full-time corporate job at the time. It was like so...

I was like having like a lifestyle affair. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like I had a second family, but that family was just me. Yes. Where I'd be like, no, while you were gone today, I went to the coffee shop. I wrote, I had that commercial audition. Me mom was like, all I had to do was make sure no shit was out when she got home. And it would just be like, how was your day? I'm like, you know, like, yeah. I don't even want to get into it. Five hours of Diablo two. Yeah, I know.

I don't need to get into how my rogue is gaining levels through the roof. I finally got the fourth piece of armor and it links up in the green set. And so I'm Gucci for another, at least another 10 levels. I'm like, what the fuck? Yeah, sorry. I was in the middle of Starcraft 2 when the weed delivery guy came. And I know our downstairs neighbor's a DEA agent. So I panicked and then we lost. My clan is all mad at me. And instead I'm just like, how was your day? Good.

Good. Yeah. I got that. I got, I heard back an email from an agent.

The email. The email from a manager. Oh, dude. The time is in my... When I was younger, the amount of time I would spend crafting emails. And I'd be like, and conclusively, would you think... I'm writing it like it's a business. And I'm like, here are seven things I wanted to... And they just write back like, yes, let's talk about it. Sounds good. Sent from my Blackberry. Yes, exactly.

You spent like 40 minutes going like, dear sir, oh, I better have a joke. I seem too serious here. It's your fat fuck guy that pitched you, you know, way too self-deprecating. I can't believe you want to read my stupid fucking idea. Here you go. It was always just like, it's about a Long Island scumbag who blanks. But guess what? He's got a fucking heart of gold. The thing about him, his heart is gold. He actually loves his mom. Yeah, yeah.

The twist on him is he's in a Long Island 10 who loves his mother. That's what makes this a little bit different. They're like, oh, great. That's a great idea. We have not seen that. Yeah.

Dude, I'm still stuck on your dad getting into karate afterwards. My dad got really into karate, and he's the one who got me into action movies. He took us to see T2 when it came out, and I would have been maybe 11. Hell yeah, dude. And I'm like, fuck, it ripped. That must have been fucking awesome. Dude, this is in the era, too, where having seen T2 was like social currency. Yeah.

Like you go back to school and you can just talk about T2 to the kids who haven't seen it. Believe me, my mom was very strict about shit that we could see. And so I said that was it. South Park was big when I was in third grade. Oh, yeah. Because it was like, and I remember we just could not.

you could not, my mom would not allow, she just knew about South. For some reason, if something hit the news in the outrage cycle, my mom picked it up. Right. And that's all she had was like some Tipper Gore. Totally. Totally. And she could, there were a lot of blind spots, but if something got in there and South Park was the fucking coolest thing, it was like cursing and it was a cartoon. It was. And so I remember I did so much pretending I had seen Terminator and South Park and just like,

oh yeah, I love that. Like somebody would make some, oh yeah, that was my favorite part too. It was like, oh yeah, I love when they, um, they kill Kenny every, not sure if that happens. Yeah.

I had a friend like that who, whatever movie you saw, he also saw and his favorite part was something from the trailer. Yeah. I thought it was so sick when he said, I'll be back. You're like, okay. That's one of the 90 seconds that they show on TV. Dude, when he's wearing sunglasses...

I fucking love that, dude. I'm going to stop at the sunglass party. Sick. I couldn't get over the fucking leather jacket. Oh, man. It's just so much good stuff. My dad was so into these action movies, and he got us into them. And, of course, all the martial arts movies of the times, like the Van Dams and the Seagulls.

But then my dad like accidentally, I don't know about accidentally, but unbeknownst to us at least, started like adopting a lot of Seagal mannerisms. That's awesome. He definitely like aspired to be him. There was a period of time when my dad had his hair pulled back into a rubber band in like the mid 90s. He's like 50. Wow.

He's got a beard. And he, I'm not exaggerating, starts whispering all the time. Oh my God. He starts getting into talk soft, carry big stick, Seagal shit. And I remember a fight with him fighting with my mom where my mom's like, what? What are you saying, hon? I can't hear you. Jesus Christ, you think you're fucking Steven Seagal? He got so, like my dad was so mean. And he got so mad at that. She got him. Because he would always just be like,

Johnny, Johnny. And like, you're in the car and I'm like, what? I'm all the way in the back of the minivan. I can't fucking hear you. Johnny, you want to go to a pizza parlor tonight? Why are you talking like that? Holy fuck. My dad was one of those, like, that's incredible. Yeah. He was like a crazy alpha guy who would always be like,

wouldn't sit with his back to a door at a restaurant. - Yeah, he's gotta survey all the exits. - He was like, "Have you ever had a fight, Johnny? You hit the biggest guy first and see if they can sort it out after that."

And I'm like, okay, if I'm ever going to jump by multiple guys in prison, thank you, Dad. And then some of this shit came in handy. I remember one thing he always told me was like, if you're ever going to wail on a guy, don't put your fingers like this. You can sprain all eight fingers. And I remember being like, thank you. And then one day I'm fighting this fucking weird freak in school and I just do double hammer pieces. And I was like, yeah. Yeah.

But he was worried you would try and hit him like this? Yeah. He said he axe handled someone like that when he was a kid and broke three of his fingers. What the... Where was he? Did he grow up on Long Island too? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. My dad was... How many generations Long Island are we talking? Dude, here's the... Exclusively. Wow. It goes back like... Because my...

My dad's side of the family, this is where it gets complicated. My dad doesn't know his real dad. He left him when he was young. But my dad's mom was like only educated up to like second. This is my grandma. Wow. Only educated up to second grade. Now, this isn't like the antebellum South. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is like 1940s New York. Holy shit. They lived on the last like potato farm on Long Island. Wow. My dad's side of the family is so special. It's like, it is like.

I should write like a running with scissors David Sedaris book about it but it wouldn't even be funny people would be like that's okay man we're all proud of you

And you can read? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. And they were like, what, immigrated to Long Island? Yeah, I don't know because they were all also like crazy liars. Oh, wow. My mom's side came from Naples, Italy in like the early 1900s, late 1800s or whatever. But they're all stagehands in New York, which is like,

like if the Irish are to cops in New York Italians are to stagehands it's like a mafia adjacent job that's their union that's the union job they got yeah it's like longshoremen and stagehands like all all of my cousins are all like I work off Broadway I'm doing the the amazing I went to see the amazing Jonathan for free that's awesome because my uncle was doing the that's fucking awesome it's

So you probably have like a Ginzo cousin that's like working on Cola Scolas. Mary Todd Lincoln. I guarantee someone in the Valentino empire. Yeah, dude. I have so many cousins that have a name that just ends in Y. I got like six Nickys, Tommys, Johnnies, Joeys. That's awesome. Like everyone like that. And so they're all –

stagehands on that side. Then my dad's side is all just like some sort of welfare scam. Interesting. That's the house where on Thanksgiving when I was like 11, the police came in riot gear and broke up like a full-blown family rumble. Riot gear? Yeah, like they had like the helmets and like the shields and the sticks. Oh my God. Arresting like my dad and uncles and shit.

The family fucking... It was a full-blown... The family fight. And what are they arguing about? They were... Someone pantsed my grandfather and he started crying. And he was a German immigrant. Ha ha ha!

And he was in alcohol. They were all alcohol. Obviously, there's an umbrella of alcoholism over here. Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. And my grandpa got pants and he started crying. And my dad, I guess it was one of the uncles did it. My dad like attacked him. And they're like, let's take this shit outside. Oh, my God, dude. And he's like one of six. So all of a sudden, it was like a brother rumble. Yes, yes. But they're that level of trash where they're like, this is my friend Marty. He lived on a bunk bed with us in this house for 10 years. It's like, what? And he's like, that guy's in the front.

fight and it's like there's like just 50 year old men love that dude a distinct thing I remember was my father kicking the shit out of his little brother my uncle and then I was like dad that was crazy you were punching uncle leave names out of this punching uncle in the face like dozens of times he's like he's lucky because I could have kicked him

And that's what my dad said. Like, I treated my little brother right by just punching him in the face in front of his kids and mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're making some real memories there. Dude, pantsing your father starts crying and then you fight your brothers over it is fucking insane. It's aspirational almost. No, you're right. You're right what you said about the fact that it's like that your family even figured it out.

It's incredible that your dad just held down a job. I guess your mom got him the stagehand job? Yeah, my mom's dad told my dad, if you get a GED, cut your hair. I'll get you a job, and then you can marry my daughter. And my dad was like, fuck it. My mom was a little bit of like an

an Italian American princess. Sure, sure, sure. They had like the plastic furniture. Yes. And like, you know, oh, she goes to Catholic school and she's on the dance squad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, she's 15 dating a guy five years older who's a high school dropout.

It's like, that's my dad. That's the Long Island fairy tale. Yeah, well, my dad had maybe the most Long Island job of the 70s you could possibly have. He was a car dealer, car detailer, and boat valet. Down on the dock. He'd jump onto rich guys' boats and help to park it.

Just fucking smoking a cigarette. His big story was, Johnny, one time this millionaire only had flip-flops and they wouldn't let him in the restaurant. And he gave me $100 to borrow my shoes. He told me that like this was like, I met a king. Yeah.

The Pope blessed me once. Pope John Paul touched the fringe of my khakis. And ever since then, I never, I only had luck when I wore those pants. And that man, Jeff Hostetler. That's so fucking awesome, dude. That fucking rules.

Yeah, I mean, it sounds like you did good, man. I did. What was Baltimore like growing up? Like, what crews were you running in? Like, what were you and your friends doing? It was interesting because Baltimore, you could have such a range of outcomes because even between me and my brothers, like, our adolescences were all three of us had something different going on. Because I was just, like, I just tested good on, like, standardized tests and shit. Yeah. And...

If you went to your public school. Another thing making me a long lost brother is that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That like people think you're smarter just because your brain worked in that specific way. Yeah, I think I was just as smart as I am now in like sixth grade and they were like, this kid's a genius. And then I just like leveled out hard. Little did they know. Yeah.

My reading comprehension has only dropped. I've read full books and then been in my fucking Kindle library and be like, oh, what's that? And I'll be like 90 pages in and be like, I have read this before. That's how little I fucking remember how fucking stupid I am. Or I'll read a book and be like, that was awesome. And I'll recommend it to elders. He's like, what's it about? I'm like, um...

There's a fucking guy and somebody... It's in Ireland. Like, it's a girl and she's gone? Yeah.

like i can barely remember the details um but it was so i went to like the like you tested into from from elementary school you would have to take tests and then you would basically legitimately depending on how you did on this test in fifth grade a lot of your future is decided which is so fucked up yeah it's like some it's like some uh standardized version of like

race sorting slash like redlining. That shit is so real. It's crazy. So like you, I tested well and I got, there was literally like three good middle schools in the whole system, right? And I went to the best one and my brothers went to like the third best one. But even that, even the drop off from that was fucking nuts, dude. Like I, my shit was like kids from my classes went to like hard, they were truly like kids that

It was the smartest kids in, and dude, it was actually nice to get into that class because I was the dumbest kid in my class. And that was a freeing feeling. Yes. In elementary school, you know, I only had to compete with fucking idiots like Eldis. I was the smartest guy in fucking elementary school. And then you get there and I'm like, oh.

These kids are so fucking smart. I'm going to cheat and fucking just have a good ass time. And it really laid out my whole life. I just copied their homework. I was the dumbest guy in the smart classes. And so I didn't really like get into anything fucking wild until...

Even like the end of high school. Whereas like my brothers, it was like at their school, kids were getting stabbed for Pokemon cards. A pregnant teacher one time was trying to break up. Like there's kids in the hall trying to fight or whatever. And she tried to break it up. And a girl like elbowed her in the stomach. And this bitch fucking...

cold cock the child because she was pregnant she was like you don't touch my fucking baby and she literally like ice like knocked this little this girl out fucking cold it was like and so the crew was like I and me and Eldis were friends from like elementary school and it was like we had we basically had like essentially a long distance friendship and we had another one of our buddies the elusive big P and

who we'll never bring up. He'll, he doesn't want his name out there. We would fucking all hang out and like, you know, and I was just kind of like, I went to Greek youth, like Greek youth, like, uh, afterschool shit. And like, you would get drunk with those kids, but it was like,

It was pretty tame in that I was fucking scared of the shit going, like, you know, of everything going. And my parents, we were test tube babies and it took them forever to have kids. And so they were like, everyone will kill you. Everything will kill you. Like, they were so scared. So blessed that you were like, they got you. Yes, yes. They were so protective and like, don't, you can't, like, we weren't allowed to like walk to like the rec center until I was like, you know,

14 or something. So I was like, and then it was like, and then, you know, once you get the fucking, once we got, once I was whipping my mom's Dodge Grand Caravan. Oh, hell yeah. Very familiar. Then we're fucking smoking weed and listening to Lil Wayne and getting no pussy whatsoever. Hell yeah. But it was just pure. See, another parallel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we were, we were drinking, listening to Weezer getting no pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my, I,

I went to like an all black and Hispanic school system up until I was in like sixth grade. I was just like one of like five white kids in the grade. So I was only ever being bullied just for being white. Right. And that was just kind of like felt normal. Yeah. Then when I moved, like my, when my mom, this is like the most fucking, this is like the dark side of the American dream. It's like my mom got a second income and we moved to like two towns over to a much better school system. Right.

And then it was way more white kids. And then I was bullied for who I was. For being a loser. Yeah. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, no, I have like no defense to this. These people are like, you're a fuck. And I was a new kid. So then I latched on to what we are still all friends to three 43 year old guys called the nerd herd. Yeah.

And we still are on a tech thread where it's about video games and about Diablo. That's awesome. Oh, it sounds very similar. Yeah. I found these dudes and we like stuck together and started playing Dungeons & Dragons. But then in seventh grade, we were just enough of like, almost like we were freaks that were entertaining. We got like...

kind of jesterized. Yes, yes, yes. All the cool kids would be like, we're drinking in Martin Avenue tonight. Do you guys want? We'll buy you 40s. You come hang out. Because everyone in our grade had older brothers, except for us freaks were the old kids. So the older brothers in the high school, they already full-backed their way to a social life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So in ninth grade, starting in seventh grade, we were just drinking every Friday and Saturday night. Hell yeah, dude. And in hindsight, being...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, remember when Mike's older brother made me do the truffle shuffle on the diving board in front of all those girls and I started crying?

And I was like, how funny was that? Dude, that was so funny. And then when I think about it now, I'm like, oh my God. Yeah. The older brother, he used to play a game called Gaylord. And the way Gaylord worked was it was a swimming race. Love it. And whoever lost had to go up against the fence with their pants down and get a basketball thrown at them. Oh, my God.

This guy was six years older than us. We were 14 racing against this 20-year-old. He's 20? He's like, I win. Line up. This guy was 20? Hanging out with 14-year-olds? Just absolutely bullying us, my friend's older brother. Jesus Christ. They did something called the stamp of approval, which was he just pulled your shirt up and slapped you on the back. Oh, my God. We were like the Uruk-hai. We all had these big ass handprints on our backs. They're like, it's so awesome being cool. You're like, I'm so finally making friends, mom and dad.

I don't need to go to Taekwondo anymore. We would be like playing D&D in his basement at a sleepover and then the older brother would like come home drunk with like five cool kids who in hindsight were absolute dirtbags. Just pieces of shit. Yeah, they were cool because they had rims and speakers and jobs even though like having a full-time job instead of high school. But to us it was like, this guy fucking

Believe me, dude. That's the one that another parallel is like Greek people. Half the kids' dads just had carryouts and like had diners or carryouts. So it was like the kids that were awesome had the job they have now when they were 16. They were like managers of a shitty pizza restaurant. They had Nextels. They had like fucking used BMWs. They were getting pussy. And I was like, dude,

They made fun of me for going to college. They were like, what are you going to college, pussy? Bro, I'm already making 57K a year. You're like, it's an unfathomable number. I remember being like, one day, maybe I make 45K a year, get a house in Greektown. Like that's, I couldn't fathom moving when I was like, you know, until I was like, I guess I went to college and I was like,

You just can meet... Even though I went to a shitty small school, you just meet enough different people that it's like... But I remember how parochial it felt where I was just like, yeah, maybe someday I can... I never even... At first, I was like, I'm going to stay in Greektown. I'm going to just get a nice job. I couldn't... I just imagined being wealthy enough to move closer to the beach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's all I had. I was like, I'm not going to leave Long Island. I know mom's a 10-minute drive from Jones Beach, but what if I was a five-minute drive? You know what I mean?

I wasn't dreaming of on the beach. That was for a different class of people. That's crazy. That's so funny. I think about this. I went to that small college outside of New York solely because this is like where my mom's like, this is cute. And it's less than three hours away in hindsight. But I remember being like in my early 20s in New York, walking past a bar on Saturday and college football's on. And I just like stop and look in and I see that there's a university of Hawaii playing. And I go to my buddy. I'm like, they have colleges in Hawaii? He's like, yeah. I'm like, what the?

What the fuck? And then I just like in that moment realized I can do anything. Dude, believe me. I only applied to the University of Maryland, the University of Maryland, Baltimore County, which is where I went. And Johns Hopkins, which was like the good school. That was me thinking, which is in Baltimore City. And I got waitlisted at Hopkins and I got into the other two. And UMBC gave me a scholarship. And I was like, guess that's where I'm going. And then I remember, I actually remember this moment of listening to. And I also just went to college because my parents died.

I'm an immigrant. I was the first person in my family. Like, it's the only reason I went. And I remember listening to, I think it was Donald Glover's Marin, and he talks about how he went to NYU for comedy writing. And I was like...

The same moment of you with the Hawaii. I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, the dream. I was like, I could go to school for... I don't have to pretend to care about history and then do shitty open mics. I could have just gone to school for fucking comedy. I mean... Yeah, NYU kind of broke me open too when I started doing UCB classes at 22. And you meet all those kids. And I'm meeting my buddy Dominic Dierkus and he's like, yeah, I've been in UCB classes since I was 17. Right, right. I'm like, oh, you're 22 and got the fucking world... Like, oh, fuck you, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, you moved to...

I'm moving to the city. I'm living in a fucking loft that's getting set on fire like every weekend.

What's your first move to New York? What's the setup like? I moved to... You graduate, I guess? I do graduate. I live at home for like nine months. My first summer home, I worked Monday through Friday as a PA at VH1. And then Saturday and Sunday, 10-hour days at the beach because I couldn't give up my lifeguarding job. Because even to date, I've been a travel show host. I've been on Drunk History. I get paid to talk about action movies with my friends. And lifeguarding is still the best job I've ever had.

I'm on the LA Fire Department email list about the lifeguard test because this is my midlife crisis shit. That's awesome. I'll get on test and the TRT and just become a fucking roided out lifeguard at 45. Let's all return. Who are we pretending, dude? I would be so... You could still podcast as a lifeguard. No, of course. Actually...

You'd be better at Action Boys if you were on TRT. You would be literally, it would be better. I could use my business account to buy my TRT. You would understand it. You would tap in in a primal way if you were a fucking, a guy from Long Island in his 40s on steroids. That's who needs to be watching mid-tier Rob Van Dam movies. Yes.

You know what I mean? Like, that would be fucking perfect. That's so true. Also, now that you say it, it's like most of the successful podcasters in our industry are on TRT as well. Are you kidding me? All the guys with Spotify money, all the bears in caves. I don't even know what the fuck Bert's on. He told me something. I took two days off drinking and now I have a six pack. It's like, okay.

He's on some, he's on medicines I haven't heard of. He told me that one. I was like, what is that? He's like, I don't even, he doesn't even know. They're like concierge hospital. I got to get there, dude. I need, dude, I'm ready to get zamped up. I said, I'm ready, bro. I'm on a text thread with a couple of friends that is exclusively about like, when are you going to pull the needle or whatever? I'm going to be the fucking Guinea pig. Cause I'm ready to, I took this whole year to try and get, and I lost 45 pounds. Hey, that,

That is fucking no joke. But the second we shot Tires and the second I'm on a set with fucking Unlimited Uncrustables. The second your routine is broken like in the slightest. Exactly, dude. Even a little bit. And I have snacks.

I gained 20 pounds back. And you don't even have to tell me about like, oh, well, I worked today, even if it is being on the set of tires with 40 friends. Like I worked today, so I deserve this. I deserve, you know, and it's like, look. I had a bad day. I deserve this. I had a great day. I deserve this. And then you get into like, well, I had a bad day today. I ate, I,

I ate kind of bad. I'm not going to eat healthy for dinner. When I get home, I'm getting Popeye's. Today's over. As if it's like a pass fail situation and it's not amount of calories ingested. I'm like, well, today it goes in the X column. Tomorrow will be a check. Yeah, it's like getting like the fourth star in GTA. You're like, fuck it. I'll use a bazooka on the helicopter. Yeah.

Right, right. Rather than trying to cool off and switch to salad, you're like, I'm fucking annihilating my innards tonight. I'm getting two, three pieces because I've done the math and it's cheaper that way on Uber Eats thanks to this way the specific Astoria Popeyes lists their chicken. Like, I know all the little tricks. Oh, this way you get the sauces for free. You know what I mean?

And you don't have to pay. They have crazy upcharge on their sauces. But if you get two separate ones, they each come with two sauces. It's like, you know, that level of fucking eating like shit. I know I saved four bucks. Yeah, I'll pay a $27 service fee. But I save four bucks and don't have to make eye contact with anyone. Yeah.

That's so funny. I literally said to myself, like in the beginning of the year, I'm like, I'm not going to do a Zen back. I'm going to take this year to really, and then like, we are recording this on December 9th. And I turned to my wife today, this morning, I was like, I was supposed to lose weight this year. Like I remember that I was supposed to move my car. I was like, Oh, what am I supposed to lose? 50 pounds this year? Oh shoot. I forgot. I put on six instead. Yeah.

Yeah. It's like something I'm constantly thinking about and I don't understand what my hesitancy is. I'm with you, dude. Yeah. And part of me thinks it's like, I don't want to be on a medication, but I'm already on blood pressure medication that I could foreseeably get off of if I was having to help me lose weight. And it's like, I have done every other drug. Like now I care about drugs. I used to take pills off of the floor. I know. I know.

That's how I got so pro-vaccine. I was like, brother, I drank blue juice for 10 years. Me too. I'm going to shoot me up. There's no way this is worse than the fucking... I ate cicadas for money. I know. I don't even trust it.

I don't care. I think it's 50-50. It works or it doesn't. But in the 50% chance it works, I'll take it. I rolled the dice on worse. I'm not going to die from vaccine. I got a long list of shit that's going to take me out before that. Me and Elda smoked fucking codeine.

We crushed up pills in a shitty gas station metal, essentially a crack pipe, and sprinkled a little horrible weed on it and watched a Tonya Harding documentary. Right.

It's not fine. Whatever they're doing is not going to be fun. And by the way... In the comics, that would turn you into a hero or a villain. That would be your origin story. Yeah, for sure. I was at an arcade fire. This is like the whitest 40-year-old guy story ever. I was at an arcade fire show at Central Park Summer Stage.

And I just started smoking weed in like my mid twenties. And a dude turns to me, he's like, you want a hit of this? And I'm like, oh man, this is awesome. I take a rip and this, and like a movie, the second I hand it back to him, he's like, it's got that cheese in it. And I was like, ah,

that must mean like weed and then I go back and it must have been like dust or something because I just immediately was the most fucked up I've ever been in my entire life and I look over and my wife is there who didn't hit it and I'm like good thing you didn't hit the weed and she's like what's the matter you're so sweaty you're sweating and I just like immediately start sweating and

And I'm like, you think David Bowie or Bruce Springsteen is going to come out for the end of the set? I'm like, immediately. I was like, I don't know what I just fucking smoked. Dude, I've never heard of the cheese. I've never heard of who's got that cheese in it. Another time in Puerto Rico, I smoked a blunt with some dude and he kept saying, it's got that something. And I could not, he had enough of an accent. He wasn't even Puerto Rican. He was like a Southern black guy, but his accent was so heavy. I still couldn't tell what he was saying.

And he's like, I got the, it's what? He's like, that Monskin. And I'm like, the what? He goes, it hits you right here. And I'm like, just smoking it. And I'm like, cool. And I'm with my buddy Adam and I'm like, should we like really follow up as to what's in here? He's like, what are we doing?

And we're like, we're at this point of like hospitality where we're like, we have to smoke the whole blunt with him. You don't want to be rude. Yeah, so I'm just smoking a whole blunt of like, and I can't truly understand. I love that you smoked the whole thing. You weren't just like, let me take a little puff. I should have just gone like, oh, hey, thanks, man. Good hanging out. Instead, I was like, oh, wait, let me try the other. It is hitting me right here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My heart is racing. And that's good, right? Yeah.

I know, man. The fucking... I've taken this year to be sober and it fucking sucks. I mean, I will do drugs again for sure. You did a whole year? Yeah, pretty soon. So I turned 35 and I was like, I got to have at least one more year of my life. Like the last time I was totally sober for a year was probably when I was like 13. Right. So I was just like, all right.

I need one year on record as an adult sober. And I also was on the road and getting so fucked up. And I thought, I was like, you know what? We'll stay for a year and I'll probably not. I'll probably just like being sober, but I do not. Yeah. And I want to, but I think I'll probably just stick to just light weed. That's right.

That's where I'm trying to get at too. I'm in like a legit health crisis point in my life. Now's the time. In the pandemic, I shifted my relationship with booze in such a way that I'm very happy with my new relationship with booze. But then I ruined my relationship with cannabis and food. And now I've got to get back to some sort of...

My dream, this is such old man shit, but my dream is to treat cannabis how normies treat alcohol. Right, right, right. Where it's like, all right, Friday night. I'm done with work. I can get high. Instead of like me driving up to an audition with like a joint in my mouth and like tapping a car parallel parking. Like, why am I doing this? Believe me, dude. Me doing the math of like, all right, if the edible hits now and the show is in six hours.

I'll be coming down if I have an espresso. I'll probably be okay. The first one will be a little rough, but by the second show... And it's a fucking 2,000-seat theater. And I'm like, these people have got a babysitter. It's like the fuck? They've planned it for months, and I'm like... Bro, this is the most relatable shit.

I always like, if I have to go do a show, the way I like to treat, I tell myself is like, I'll eat an edible on the drive home. And then I get home and I'm high. And so I say to my wife when I'm leaving, I'm like, I'm going to bring edibles to eat on the drive home from the podcast. Cause it's Sunday night. We're vibing out or whatever. And she's like, didn't you just say it's only 10 minutes away? And I was like,

I'll just wait. I have to be like, you're right, I should wait 10 minutes to come home. I'm like, gotta eat drugs in my car. I gotta eat gummies in my car real quick before I drive. You set an alarm to go on during the pod and just fucking pop an edible. That'd be awesome. You have like the Monday through Sunday vitamin things and it's just got like weird starbursts in it. Pictures of fucking Scooby-Doo with 25 milligrams. Yeah.

That would be fucking awesome. But yeah, I'm with you, dude, because I was thinking about this where I'm like, I'm looking at the way the tour is set up.

Because I also don't want to fucking go crazy on the road. But I'm like... Because it's already so easy to treat yourself when you're on the road because you feel like shit or you feel out of whack and you're like... Yeah, you're lonely or whatever. All we have in the lobby is like a fucking steakhouse or whatever. Yes, yes, yes. So I'm just like, all right, I'll smoke weed. I won't smoke weed unless I have the day off the next day. Like I'm trying to kind of put some... We'll see, you know? I've been trying to...

another thing I'm doing, this is again, all weird old man shit, which this is our Huberman. Yeah.

Are you fat as shit? And can barely control your vices? Forget saunas, cold plunges. Forget fucking CrossFit. This is just how you smoke slightly less weed per week. A little less weed from two of the fattest guys that are... Take it from us. Take it from us. Guys have been getting fatter every year their entire lives. Welcome back to Two Bears, One Hospital Bed. Yes.

But you know what? I have a sneaking suspicion we have some incredibly fat men listening right now. Oh, I'm positive. That this will actually help. Because luckily, here's something that we forget every once in a while. Yes. We call ourselves fat all the time. We are objectively overweight gentlemen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We are LA fat. But then when you go to Dallas- That is true. You are like a fucking college athlete. Yeah.

These guys get out with that, like, three-tiered fupas, you know? Yes, yes, yes. Sweatpants, like, everything is, like, they have, like, pubic hair in their fucking neck, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, okay. I forget because all my friends are on TRT or wealthy with personal trainers. Yes, yes. Well, no, I remember feeling that when we were literally in Dallas. Remember how roomy those booths were? Oh, yeah. It was the first time we sat in a restaurant and we were like,

I don't have to move my side of the table a little bit to the other side. I'm so fucking tired of walking into a restaurant with my wife and her going like, yeah, you need to sit over here, right? Like it's like the reverse of a booster seat. You're going to go lay on the floor here next to that bowl full of bread and butter. You're like, uh-huh. Hey, Jabba, no bobbed up. And she chokes me out with a chain. Yeah.

What are you going to do? I've been trying to be way more present with my weed where I'm like, this is the blunt I'm going to smoke. Yeah, yeah. Let's enjoy it. You know what I mean? And I try to settle in because previously I'm just like... Totally.

mind off fucking Baldur's Gate 3 hour 175 and I'm just chain smoking joints and I'm not even enjoying it I'm just trying to not be sober you're just trying to get your head you're trying to fast forward your brain a little bit just time travel to happiness fully you're like maybe in six hours I'll not be depressed

Maybe I won't want to kill myself when I come off this edible. Yeah, when you're in the fucking pocket on cannabis, your schedule starts looking like, well, tomorrow I have that podcast. It's done at three. And then I don't have anything until two the next day. Yeah. That's like a good 23 hours of just degeneracy. That's exactly. Solo degeneracy. Oh, my God.

True, like shut the lights off troll. Yes. You, you, you mentioned opening up your Kindle, the frequency in which I'm like, Ooh, Scott Adkins, martial arts movies. Yeah. It's like continue. Watch an hour of this. And then you put it on. You're like, Oh, I watch an hour of this multiple times. Let's, let's run back the first 40 minutes of revenger right now. That's a banger. That's a good one. Uh,

All right, well, look, we've already started giving advice to the fat weed heads out there. Why not keep it moving and really address some of these questions directly? Oh, right, the premise of the podcast. Of course, of course, of course. Now that he stopped talking about his problems. No, no, we like to introduce our guests so they know exactly who they're dealing with, what expertise you have to help them. And I think you really do here. And yeah, the midway point,

some stuff to plug action boys I'm a fan oh thank you so much whatever else you want to plug you mentioned the Gino Lombardo show I'm putting out physical media of all 30 episodes of Gino's I made a separate series that was behind a paywall for a long time but now I'm selling a cassette tape with like all original art for this Long Island artist and it has all 30 episodes it's a USB drive that looks like a cassette tape and that's on sale at gino.gabris.com yeah I'm gonna pick me up one of those

I'm trying. You know, if comedy doesn't work out, I'll sell fucking merch. Dude, believe me. The first, the only, actually, I should fucking plug the calendars. The first successful thing I've done. Thank you. The first thing that ever made me money was a nude calendar. Merch is the way to go, brother. Merch is it. Yeah, go check that out. Buy the cassette USB. Listen to the pods. And yeah, let's take some fucking calls here, Elders.

I will be firing away, bitch. Hello, my name is Amanda. If it sounds weird, I'm currently walking my dog. But I am with the same guy for our 10-year anniversary coming up April 2025. We are so happy together. We love each other very much.

I never thought this would happen to me, and it fucking did. This guy's a fucking catch. Nice. And context, I am bisexual. He is straight as a fucking arrow. Perfect. And we have talked about maybe opening our relationship strictly sexually to invite a third into the bedroom. No problem. Definitely a woman. I'm not fucking any other man ever again in my life. Sorry. Love you guys. Come on.

And we have talked about it and Jeff and Link had really fruitful, healthy conversations about it. Love him so much. We've gotten so far. I'm like, we're both kind of ready and I don't know how to find somebody that would fuck us. I kind of want to watch some other hot chick suck my fucking boyfriend's dick. I'm sorry. And yes, he's my boyfriend. We're not fucking married. We don't want to get married. I don't want to hear any bullshit about that. Relax.

What the fuck? What the fuck?

And I've never gotten off before him. Never gotten off? I'm very happy. This is interesting. So, yeah, I just want some advice. Like, how do you go out? How do you find someone? I don't want to use a dating app. I don't want to fucking... Why? I don't know. How do you find people that want to fuck your boyfriend? What? Let me know. Love you guys. You guys rock. Bye. I think I'm on the wrong show. Wait, what? What?

Yeah, this is hilarious. This is wild. This is awesome. Is Amanda a real person? Because it seems like she's created by a male screenwriter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just want to watch my virgin boyfriend get his dick sucked by a stranger. My virgin boyfriend who makes me bust so much. He's the only one who's ever hit me deep. What the fuck? You're so right. This feels like an AI generated... Like, this is like someone's... This is someone's, like, Joe Pantoliano Matrix fantasy. This is like an incels. This is like a guy who's never gotten pussy. He's like, oh, put me back. I want a bisexual girl.

Watch me. Let me fuck a girl. I'll kill. Fuck. I'll fucking destroy the Nebuchadnezzar. She needs to not know the steps to make it happen. She needs to reach out to two guys, probably with limited experience in these departments. I love this. This is like an open Instagram in front of my wife. You're going to fucking be able to figure out how to get a third chick.

Yes. No, this obviously cannot be man-driven. You need a woman with the exact kind of mental illness that our friend here has. Yeah, Amanda needs someone to match her freak. Absolutely. Because then the boyfriend, not your husband, sorry, I don't want to give you that bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That seems a little defensive. We don't believe in the patriarchy here. That's kind of wild that she's his first lay, too. Yeah, I mean, let's see. Let's say they're in their 30s. They met when they were like 20.

20 or something. You know what I mean? That's not undeniable. I mean, I won't like my wife's my third leg. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's fun. Yeah. That's, that is, that's what, again, that's what I, when I think about the, like the multiverse thing, I'm like, seems nice. Yeah. No, it's great. And I constantly have to fucking, I've worn a condom in 20 years. I haven't sweated one minute. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yes. Yes. I have, I've sweated. I'll tell you that much. I,

We have something similar in the condom department, but I have had a couple sweats. I, too, dislike condoms, but I have to deal with that. But it has come with some sleepless nights. I'll tell you that much. Just banking on my own lack of motility. I'm this fucking fat. I drank a lot of Mountain Dew. I spent my 20s in a Speedo in the hot tub. There's no way. My boys are cooked. Okay, so...

Very interesting setup our friend here has. Look, if that's what you want, I'm not going to dissuade you, especially since it feels like a nice thing you're doing since he's never fucked another woman. Part of me would say...

Do you really want to open up Pandora's box like this? You seem very happy. Yeah, it would be his second pussy. Like, that's hard. He'd be like, whoa. He'd be like, this is awesome. Fucking other women rocks. I want to do more of this. Like a kid who's been in, like, homeschooled going to Baskin Robbins. There's 30 other flavors? I don't have to get vanilla? Right.

Not saying you're vanilla, man. Even chunks of cookie dough gets tired. Yeah, she's definitely a good flavor. I can tell. You can tell this woman who makes this call fucks good. No doubt about it. But look, why don't you want to go on a dating app? I don't understand your buy, right? Here's the thing. You're finding a woman to fuck and you're going to... And obviously you should make... I mean, I've seen...

There's couples who are on like Tinder. There's also Field. Yeah, the F-E-E-L-D. Which seems to be the one where it's like you're going to find like, I bet you there are women in your specific situation, like-minded women that would find this incredibly hot, that would find the idea of,

Even the like being the temptress for a man who's only fucked one woman. Like this is, this is an erotic setup for freaks where it's like, I think, but I think you got to open up your mind and go to a more freak and more freak centric thing because like,

You want someone who wants to be supposed to be about sex. Yeah, maybe like a sex party type, sex party situation or like some sort of, you know, a cruise. Even a sex worker. Yeah. Why not? You want it to be purely sexual. You don't want, you don't want him to fucking, you know, get this woman, you know, he's not going to pretty, he's not going to be a pretty woman situation. You don't want to do like the barista at your comp

Yeah, you don't want somebody he knows. Like, oh, this woman he's had a crush on for, you know, that he's had. Also, I would say maybe, Amanda, don't ask him who he wants because that might be telling. Because imagine, like, you get that. My wife goes, babe, who do you want to add? And I'm like, your friend, Blaine. She's like, what? You're like, oh, you didn't want me to have that answer locked and ready to go? Your aunt. Your recently widowed aunt.

I think we can get her while she's fucking vulnerable. She's sorting shit out.

So, yeah, I don't know. I would say, oh, but you're happy, whatever. I think treat him to a nice high-end sex worker. Nothing wrong with that. Or if not, yeah, go to like a freak forward dating app. I don't know why you're so against dating apps. I would personally say let this feel less like dating and more like a sexual adventure. Yes, like an appointment. Exactly, exactly. Because like you...

you have a great relationship. I'm a little, you know, we're not, we're not, we're don't slut shame here. We're not prudes by any means, but I'm literally at, we're not prudes here, but I am literally out of my depth. I'm hard as a rock. I can't focus at all. This is honestly, after being married for 20 years, this is like seeing the university of Hawaii. There's chicks out there who want to see someone else suck my dick.

Yeah, there are, but they probably would have fucking like stolen your carburetor when you were playing Baldur's Gate. Did you delete my Baldur's Gate save? Yeah. You deserved it. I stole all your fucking Star Wars customizable cards. Not my Obie's lightsaber. Yes. That was Black Room. Sorry. No, it's okay, man. What the fuck am I talking about? It's okay. Getting genuinely upset about a hypothetical situation.

I gave myself like sense memory. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Not my fucking car. Someone actually did that. That will fucking piss me off. But you guys have a nice thing going. I would keep the variables you introduced to a minimum, make them purely sexual. That's my advice to you. Go, you know, that's, that is hot.

I'm not in a relationship with them. And I would say, like, you would want to present it as, like, a one-time thing with, you know, in the back of your mind, hey, if we dig this, we could do it again. Yeah. But I wouldn't, like, want to say, I don't think you should say to your partner cold here of, like, we're ready to start bringing heads in. Yes. Dip your toes in the water. Don't cannonball into the waters of strange pussy. Take a little beep. You know what I mean? Could be really shallow. Could be one of those things where your asshole gets caught on the filter, gives you the pink sock. You got to be careful. You got to be careful. Yeah.

Yeah, this is quite the setup. I think I like read that shit in like Penthouse. That's the kind of shit when you're like at a sleepover party, you're like, imagine it. Dude, that's my kind. That's the wife I want. She lets me fuck other chicks and she eats pussy too.

And you know what's hilarious? Yeah, I just wanted a girl. I wanted Jenny McCarthy because she had huge tits and, like, did fake nose picking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the pinnacle of women. I really wish that the character I just did isn't what, in the back of my mind, I hope my wife is like. You know what I mean? Like, I'm, like, holding out hope.

That specific kind of bisexual woman. But probably won't happen. I'm open for love, even if you're more conventional ladies. And if you just want to suck me off, hit the DMs. Lead with your tits. It never hurts. Next question, Eldis. Hey, Stavros, Eldis, friend. I'll try to keep this short and sweet. So I'm a grad student.

That's from a university in the southeast of the U.S. And I'm in my fourth year of hopefully four years, maybe five. And I made this friend the first year he's in my class or whatever of like six other grad mates that we're going to be graduating together. Nice, man. And, you know, he's really like my – he was my only friend that I kind of made out of these six people and –

You know, he got comfortable with each other. He started sharing more and more about, you know, his beliefs and things. Oh, no. Oh, no. You know, long story short, a couple months ago, he kind of confesses to me that he's like...

What? What the fuck? You don't know what to do. Okay. I just want to watch someone suck his dick. What's up? We'll see a guy in an SS uniform, put his thumbs in his ass and suck his dick. Is that so much to ask?

I keep going, Elvis. For sure. And I've been ignoring him. He's been hitting me up. But my main concern is, like, do I just let this guy, this fascist, exist? I mean, what are you going to do about it? Like, throughout the world. Not really throughout the world, but, you know, in my program, amongst my peers, and, like, just not tell anyone about it.

I'm not, I don't want to report him and play into the whole rights cancel culture bullshit. I mean, it's a little different. Let me know. Let me know what you guys think I should do.

All right. Thank you. I mean, this is fucking wild. This is such a modern issue. I mean, it's also like an ancient 1940s issue. Of course. Somehow it's also now it's such a modern issue. Yeah. My friend is secretly a Nazi. In grad school? That feels crazy, too. Yeah. He's studying like brain size. Yeah. Oh, great. Yeah, exactly. He's a phrenologist. Yeah. PhD. In my phrenology program, we've got...

We found a literal Nazi. My white Argentinian friend. Yeah. My Argentinian friend Klaus. This is fucking crazy. And I actually don't know what to do. Yeah. I don't think it's fucking super cut and dry. I mean, depending on how much of a friend he is, here's the thing. You always have to make an attempt, I think. Like, we always say have a conversation, even if it doesn't go right. Because, like...

Sometimes people like this get alienated. Right. Because, like, this might have, like, how many times do you, like, it doesn't always happen, but there are those, like, weirdly heartwarming stories where, like, someone just talks to someone and it's so clear they became, they were in a gang because, like, no one except them, they were abused, they were, like, you know, like, that shit happens. And, like, you know...

Now, maybe this guy doesn't want to do that. He doesn't want to be the guy who reforms a Nazi. And I also, I also fully understand that. It's not your responsibility, but it's like, how good a friend is he? And be like, can you explain to me? Like, like I just, you can have the conversation like, Hey man,

It's one thing to have different political beliefs. I just don't... Like, it's... I don't think people are inferior. Like, where did this start? Like, what is... Where is this coming from? Like, I really think... And you're my friend. I think this is the right move. I think...

This guy needs to at least hear that you don't want to engage with him anymore because of that. Right, right, right. He needs to know that this is, in your mind, caller, this is the wrong choice that this guy's making. Right, right, right, right. Maybe he hasn't heard that yet because no one online is going, I know we're all Nazis in this chat room, but has anyone ever thought about like, has anyone ever met a cool black guy? Yeah, yeah. And so like, dude,

Will this work? Probably not. Right. But it's also like if it's an actual friend and not, he says it is right. He says it's like the guy who stuck around for like six years. Yeah. You know what? Like, I do think it merits like some discussion of like, you know, what the fuck dude? Like what, for real? Where did this come from?

I don't think... You don't strike me as this kind of person. This is very hateful ideology. I don't think... I think this shit is fucked up. And have that conversation. He might just...

you know, say you're fucking, say you're a libtard, you know what I mean? Say you're a pussy, whatever. They, like sometimes people are too entrenched. But the fact that there's some psychology behind the fact that this guy hit it for so long. For sure. Cause like the one thing I know about these guys is they like to share their beliefs. That's true. I'm never sitting next to someone at a bar out of town and they turn to me and go like, I'm crazy liberal. Yeah. Yeah.

Whatever you believe, the people who are down to tell you what they believe are usually Trump guys. Dude, between you and me, I think we should have maternity leave over... I think women should get a year maternity leave. If I say, open the borders...

But yeah, I don't know. I mean, this is very... This is fucking weird. And yeah, you gotta, I guess, sort of make the attempt. I have like a million more follow-ups because I'm curious how this guy revealed himself to be a literal Nazi or at least a fascist, as the phrase you used. Because those are...

Slightly different categories. Yeah. I mean, neither of them are good. No, yeah. Yes, exactly. Neither of them are fucking good. And then it's also like, what do you do about it? I mean, certainly you can just, if it comes up, be like, you don't have to snitch, but it's like you don't have to report him, obviously. I don't know. I mean, at the end of the day, is this guy doing hateful shit or is he just like...

A fucking weird... He also... Some of these guys do it for attention. Some of these guys... Like, it's like, you know, you can tell your friends, hey, what happened? You never hang out with Mark. Well... This motherfucker does this, this, and this. And it's like, that's... It is funny because this is... There's an old Mark Norman joke of, like, when someone confesses they're racist to you and you're like, you know, I think what you're saying is horrible, but...

I didn't know you thought we were this close. It is like a weird badge of honor how much he likes the guy. Yeah, you are. I guess we're better friends than I thought. But also, I have to walk away. But now I'll never speak to you again. But yeah, dude, I don't know. I think it's worth it at least. And I do think it's like...

incredibly fucked up as this is you owe one fact finding potential can i save my friend conversation if he's your true friend yeah and after that it's like all right man if you're really fuck if you're really someone cares about him and then also if that doesn't work he needs to know that his beliefs are so disgusting that he's gonna lose yeah what little friends he has in grad school truly because at the end of the day there is something to that of like

you have to exist in a fucking society. And it's like, if your beliefs are that despicable... That is like the most real fucking response. It's just like, guys, we all fucking have to live here. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Like if you were all in just a dorm room, you'd be like, take that fucking poster down, dude. We all have to live here. It fucking sucks, dude. And then you might fucking mop

You know what I mean? But like, I don't know. You just have to. And yeah, he has to understand that in the real world, because this smacks of radicalized online. Maybe this hasn't affected him in real life. Who knows? Because this is not just like he voted for Trump. No, no, no, no, no. This is not just like I'm a big J.D. Vance head. Right, right, right, right, right. Which is still like, I would still be like, you like J.D.?

You like that guy. That's fine. You find him charismatic and think his policies are good. Okay. I loved his book.

Yeah, dude. But again, at the end of the day, you don't have to fucking save some guy. But it's like one conversation to fucking try and reach some humanity is fine. And then, you know, don't report unless this guy's fucking unless there's like a guy who's fucking you're like, oh, there's some guy threw a brick through a synagogue. Any any guesses? Maybe then you can say, ah, I got a guy we might want to fucking see. He just got nominated to be a member of the DEI board. Yeah.

It's like, yeah, I think we should say something now. Damn. Tough, dude. That's fucking crazy. The rise of not... It's like... Imagine having like a fascist sculptor MFA or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone who's got a graduate degree in there, but they're...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he is a great sculptor. It's like, fuck. It's good stuff, man. Yeah, who do we got here? But it is, fuck, the Nazi shit is crazy. Like, I guess we're far enough away from World War II that young people, to them, it's like what the Civil War was for us. Yes, we're like, I'm a rebel. Yeah, yeah, exactly. It might be that, which is fucking crazy. I mean, in Europe, it's crazy, too. I mean, there's Greek people who say they're fascists, and it's like,

They literally took over. Like, they fucking took over Greece. They, like... It's just insane how much people have forgotten, how quickly people forget this shit. It's, like, it's fucking nuts. You just eat. They're, like... You see that and you're, like, those guys are a little misunderstood. Like, it's funny that there's... It's crazy in America. There's people that are, like, okay, both fascism and communism are bad, but...

With a couple tweaks, fascism could work. It's like, that's the one you want to tweak? Yeah, you're fusing to tweak the other one because Russians were communists. That is so funny because we're both big action movie fans and the politics are so atrocious. And how they're like, you know, commies are a piece of shit. I watched the show Lioness, this Taylor Sheridan show that I love. It's so fucking funny.

violent and crazy. And it was filmed in Baltimore the first season. Oh, hell yeah. The politics are bananas. It's like the worst. It's like playing Call of Duty politics where they're like, well, we gotta get in there and kill Saddam. It's like, wait, why? So we can plant the nuclear bomb. You're like, okay. We know that was a mistake. Like, we have information that that was wrong. A bad move. Part of this shit feels like instigator arms race too. Sure. I

I'm a weird online troll and it's like the worst kind of troll you can be is a fascist Nazi and it's like look how mad everyone I trigger everyone when I say this and you're like but what you're saying is historic like you're choosing the bad guys from movies like how do you and by the way you're a pussy like that's the other thing is like could you actually kill another human being could you fucking round up people and shoot them in the fucking head or are you a fucking pussy on the internet and it's like

Probably they're just weird trying to... It is the logical conclusion to trolls. One branch is like, what's the most hated type of thing? How can I be so offensive? I could pretend in good faith I'm supporting it. Right. Which is crazy. It is fucking nuts. It's bananas. It should be like... You should be persona non grata the second...

happens. Everyone should get to line up, punch you in the gut like a movie and then everyone's like, alright, everyone in class gets to punch this Nazi fuck in the gut. He understood. He got his lesson. Now let's go back. No more Nazi shit. And it's such a fucking...

It's also like lame. It's not fun. It's just like you want to spend... You're clearly not fucking, right? That's part of the insult thing. It's like you want to get into... Just getting into any politics is fucking gay. Yeah, I agree. But this...

And being like, I'm a Nazi? You think that's going to make your life more fun? Honestly, being like an anarchist would be more troll-y. Being a fucking crazy socialist would be almost troll-y at this point. Just choose the one where people aren't considered inferior. I know. It's like, yeah, you could make people mad that way, but

Whatever. I guess there's like, it's also wrapped up in like weird. You could just go say go Red Sox in a Yankees Reddit thread too at least. Well, that doesn't hit the same. You got to be a fascist now, I guess. It is like, you know, it's the way we could jack off to printed black and white pictures. Right. Like a troll back then used to be like, the Yankees are gay. And they'd be like, how dare you? Get him. Now you have to be like, here's my ranking of all the races. Right.

It's an arms race. Yeah, you gotta just like... Porn is like kids are jacking off to the craziest shit. And stepmom's stuck in washing machines and a return to fucking 1940s Germany. Oh my God. All right, well, let's see what we got here. Maybe a question about jacking off or something. Yeah. Stavi, you beautiful bastard, what's happening? And shout out to the best producer and podcast in the world, Elvis.

How are y'all? I hope y'all are doing well. Look, I've got this problem. I met a girl on the internet. Nice. And she is drop-dead gorgeous. Colombian immigrant. Nice. No baggage, no family here, no kids, 10 years younger than me, smoking hot. Okay.

always wanted to come to America and find a blue-eyed white boy to just be with for the rest of her life. Sounds awesome, right? I guess, if we're to believe that. Well, here's where the problem lies. Oh, the problem hasn't happened. I am going through the worst period of my entire life. Pause this. Pause it, I'll do this. Yeah, you're telling me you uncritically believe all of that. Yeah, you...

I thought this was going to be the problem. And then he's like, well, the problem is... Here's where it gets complicated. I'm like, brother, you have sent her so much airline money already. I know you have. Oh, man. All right. Respect. Let's see what else he's got. Be with for the rest of her life. Sounds awesome, right? Sounds great. Well, here's where the problem lies.

Sounds like a guy who's ripe for a Colombian scam. Yeah. Sounds like the kind of guy...

The catfish. I mean, this is all she wants. Not to be the long-term married guy, but I'm relishing in the coming home to an empty house. Sounds nice. I'm like, oh, alone at night, quiet. I get the fucking... Choosing your own dinner and movie. Get to throw on Army of One. Some early Chuck Norris work.

Free on Amazon Prime right now. Let's just plug that. I haven't plugged my own movie in like eight episodes. Check out Chuck Norris' Army of One. I keep forgetting to plug my tour and my fucking, and my movie. But hey guys, check out Bosch. We plugged Field Reacher.

Banger. Love Reacher, man. Great stuff. All right, all right. Let's keep going here. ...me while I've been gone. Um...

So I feel like my judgment has been clouded. Yeah. Okay. We're getting somewhere. As much as I want it, I know that this is probably a green card marriage situation. And I don't know what to do. She's assured me that's not why she's here. She's assured me that she's not here for a green card or a child that would keep her in the country.

But my judgment tells me better. But again, going through the things that I have been going through and being alone for as long as I have, I don't know if this is a good idea. I need the wisdom. All right.

Of the beautiful ancient Greek god of the portly gentleman. That's right. So holla at you, boy. Let me know. Y'all take it easy. Wow, okay. A little self-awareness there towards the end. Yeah, I wouldn't normally tell a guy with that pacing and accent to trust your judgment. But in this case, Alabama slamma, I say trust your judgment. Now, okay.

The fact that he's even, he won me over in the end where now I'm trying to figure out a way for him to get pussy. So I'm trying to do the math here. All right. He's going through a horrible divorce. Yeah. His credit's ruined.

What does this bitch have to take from him? He's got nothing. He might want to shoot the bazooka at the helicopter. Fuck it, some cost. Your life isn't the lowest it's ever been. I say fucking go to Columbia and become her dependent. I say you go, you know what, babe, you're right. And you show up in fucking Medellin and move in with her. Absolutely. That's a great move.

You're right, babe. We should get married. We should be together. You're trying to stay there. We should be together. Imagine the feeling you are if you catfish someone and they move in with you. They reverse it. Yeah.

That would be awesome. Now he's saying that she's in America. Is that right? She's a real human being that he had. He knows. It's hard to tell. He said, I got to go on the internet. He met her on the internet, but he says, that's not why she's here. She's not here. So, okay. Then here's my followup to you, little buddy. If you, if she's here, he says, always wanted to come to America. Oh, well, I,

I guess that's not clear either. She might be here. From the way he's talking, it sounds like she's here. You're right. If she's here, you're divorced. You have nothing for her to take. You're lonely. She's hot and claiming she's not. Let her, if she's trying to take you for your wealth, let her find out the hard way. Them accounts is empty, baby. That Wells Fargo accounts is empty as your balls are going to be, God willing. Honey trapper with a bag of dead bees.

I mean, so yeah, dude, that's my other thing that I would say is like, and let's play this out. Let's say she wants a green card. She's smoking hot. What do you have to, you're lonely right now. Let's say you're married for five years. She gets permanent residency and you got the fucker for five years. Is that the worst thing in the world? Right.

Is that really that bad? So, okay. He's got, actually. This is the kind of, this is how we get the conservatives to come around on immigration. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It literally is. We'll get some chick with a fucking donk to fly in here. I dare you to tell her to leave. All right, but if you get her, we let two little, two other guys in. That's how it works.

We two for one it. We two for one it. One hot woman for two ugly motherfuckers with a hard work ethic. So I don't know, man. I mean, look, at the end of the day, if she's here...

What do you have to lose by going on a couple dates? Yeah. And my other question is, why haven't you gone on dates yet? It's making me wonder if she lives in another city and wants to be flewed out. Right, right. That's the kind of stuff where... I foresee, like, okay, I'll do it. She's like, no, I just need some money for the airline ticket. You're like, yeah, of course, I'll send you 200 bucks. It's only fair if you're visiting me. Yeah, yeah. She's like, okay.

blocks him on everything it's so weird to get out of the account because actually can you send like another 60 you know and all of a sudden you're like okay you're just sitting there with a hard dick going should be here any fucking minute like why did I take the honey pack already you're in the fucking airport pickup lot with the hardest dick you've ever had in your life she's like oh still delayed

Oh, you won't believe it. They canceled my flight, but United has one leaving in 45 minutes. I just need 400. Only extended leg room. So yeah, I would, that's, we need a little more information here. If you can do, I would say if you could do this in a way where there's no, and have you FaceTimed with this woman. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like let's go through the basic catfish protocols. FaceTime with her and go like, oh, do you have like a newspaper or today's magazine or anything you can hold on to?

Oh, I haven't got a chance to check out the paper. Can you put on Channel 7 in the background?

Hey, what's the fucking Rams game? Score of the Rams game. Can you pull that up real fast? Yep, just hit a PSPN for me right now. Yeah, dude, if there's a way to do it where it's just going on a date with someone who's assuring you that she's not... And by the way, the fact that he's brought this up to her and she's like, nah. You're not just trying to get me to knock you up. She's like, oh shit, hold on. No. Yeah.

What should I write back? Write back? No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way, babe. Yeah, it's like a guy on Google Translate. It's just like some fucking... It's not even a Hispanic guy. But it's also nice to hear...

Because I know so many white guys who've fallen in love with unattractive exotic chicks who are like, bro, she's Venezuelan. And you look at her and you're like, okay. You're into the fact that she's... It's fun to hear the flip of like, she always wanted a blue-eyed American. Always wanted one of them blue-eyed Americans. I'm like, she's like, whoa. Yeah, that's true. I haven't seen that many Americans. There is a path to this happening. It's a very small...

very small strenuous path it's a fucking it's a rope bridge between two fucking high ass cliffs like you might be able to maybe but just if you can just go on a date with her

FaceTime, literally like go through the catfish protocols. Yeah. Go on a date. You have really nothing to lose right now. So I don't understand your hesitancy. It feels like there's a piece we're missing, right? Doesn't it feel like otherwise? If she starts asking you like what your mother's maiden name is or childhood pets and stuff like that, you know, sniff that out. But otherwise, I say fucking...

Let her rip, brother. Proceed with caution. Yeah, yeah. You've been warned, but I say, like, using Stavi's rope bridge analogy, I think the back one is lit on fire. Yeah, yeah. Leap with the fucking fire in the back. Absolutely. Are you the man? Yeah, you're either making it across or you're fucking dead.

But either way, you know, it might be good enough for the chance of pussy. And now the more I'm thinking about it, no way this is real. But hey. Hey, but we need to make content every week, so. No way this woman exists. But hey, man, try and make it happen, brother. That's all I can tell you. All right. In twisting stuff here. Oh, man. What a wildlife. I know. That is crazy. Who else we got? Oh, Starburst.

And guess, I don't know how to speak, so I'll just get right to the point here. I've been working a really good lux job, good health insurance, good pay. Nice. I could play Nintendo at work for like three years now. Awesome. But one of my managers quit his job so that we could try dating. Oh. And now that that's happening. Oh.

I don't want to date this man. In fact, maybe I'm gay. Maybe I'm asexual. I don't know what's going on, but I do not want to date this man. But we just had a going away dinner party with our whole entire fucking work group yesterday. And everyone's looking at me. And I hate my life. So should... What should I do?

What the fuck is going on? How did this happen? How did you get in this position? This is fucking nuts. This is bananas. And I think just right off the bat, I'll tell you, you owe this dude nothing. True. It's insane to be like, I'll break up and we can be together. You're like, I guess. I guess.

I mean, this is fucking wild. It'd be awesome if she got promoted into his position and shit. Yeah, yeah. That's fucking crazy. And I wish I knew the, like, I'm trying to imagine the workplace. Yeah. Tech or programming. Yeah. This is not a, this guy is not fucking Rico Suave. Yeah, I know. Like, the one woman who worked there, he's like, I'll throw my life away for you, let me see your pussy. Oh.

Oh, getting a new job just to let me see your pussy for a second. Please, please, please, please, please, please. Holy shit. Imagine quitting your job for a chick and her response is, I might be either gay or asexual. Which is just not true. You just don't want to fuck this guy. They probably fucked once and she's like...

Ruh-roh. Yeah. And he's like, don't worry, I'll step down. Don't say anything to the boss. I'll quit. I'll quit. But then we'll be together. Yeah. We can finally be together. I hate to be the guy who's like, we need a little more info, but like, how the fuck did this happen for real? Yeah. I gotta know. Like...

And look, it sucks. Now, let's just say nothing weird happened, right? Right. It's all above board. Let's say it's all above board. Would you like to grab a drink sometime while you're my boss? I quit. Right, right, right. Okay, yeah, I guess I'll get a beer. Or even that she was in on it, let's say. Right, right. Let's say they had some kind of rapport and who knows? Let's just...

Just even though I doubt it says, I don't know how that would happen, but let's just say that's what happened. And like, so let's just say you were even sort of, you wanted to be in a relationship and now you really don't want to be in one. I get feeling guilt. Like if you actually liked this person and thought they were nice and we're like, let's give it a whirl, whatever.

it was a mistake. Both of you made a crazy mistake. I mean, it might be feeling that too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if you guys fucked and you had in your head that you might be asexual or lesbian, he felt that. What's wrong with your pussy? I'm,

I've never seen a pussy snap shut like a Venus flytrap before. How did that happen? Your pussy lips, they're braiding each other to close your hole. Why do I hear the sound of a faucet closing? Why do I feel a hose faucet tightening? Righty tighty. Okay, so in a world where this was a mistake you both made,

And you really are not having a good time. Unfortunately... Now, we can tell you... Like, now, if there was some weird thing where there was an abuse of power thing and you kind of felt like you had to agree to it or some weird shit, that's a different story. But if you just...

Like that's a different story. You should be able to keep your job. And if anybody tries to do anything about it, there should be like legal. Yes. Whatever. But if you just said, yeah, dude, I'd love to date. Let's do it. Quit your job. That's perfect. I'm going to quit my job, burn my house down, shave my head. And then we're going to start dating. Like, wait, what were those three things? The last three. And like, let's just say you even encouraged it and you've just made a mistake here.

I mean, you shouldn't be in a relationship you don't want to be in, but, I mean, realistically, like, if this guy's, like, a beloved figure in the office, like...

You just might need to fuck... And everything was above board. It's just going to affect your life. You can break up with him and be like... But it just can't... There will be blowback. I mean, there just will be. Like... Yeah. Especially if there was... If you wanted this to happen. This is why you don't fuck at work. This is so clearly why. This is so clearly why. You're doing it like...

as above board as possible and it is still disassembling your life. And it can fuck both of your lives up. And we're not even saying that the hardest hitting part of this paragraph for me is the idea of a good job with good health insurance where you can play Nintendo all day. That shit has got me strapped the fuck in of like, I need that. I get why she doesn't want to fucking leave that job. I would say don't

don't quit because you feel bad. Like, look, break up with him. See how the office, see how the office takes it. Yeah. There's a manager position that's open in your company. There's room for growth. Maybe you can fucking transfer to a different office. I don't know. But like, if you really are feeling this way, right. And look, here's the other thing. I've also been in, I have commitment issues, right? Like, and I've been with someone that I really liked. And then the second it was official and real, I freaked the fuck out.

broke up and I've ruined multiple relationships that way. And then have like those six month later regrets. Not even six months, but like two weeks or like I just had an emotional response. Right. And like that really felt like psychological and that I, and like I've worked on and I, now I know I might have that feeling momentarily, but I have to let it go. I need to act on that. And that I even might be so like, we don't even know what's going on. Like, do you have that? Or,

Like, so I don't, we just, the fear of like, oh shit, this is too real happening. And that's where like, I might be asexual. Cause by the way, that's a lot of pressure, right? The fact that somebody quit their fucking job for you, even if you like them, that could make you feel weird. Yeah. That's like a weird power dynamic or shape. Already you go in owing them something. Right. Yeah. And that might be what feels weird to you. It's like, it doesn't, maybe you had a fun flirty back and forth at the office, but now it's like,

If I don't fucking love this guy. Too real, too fast. And now you're like, oh, this is like moving in. This is like the level of moving in together. It's like, it's like an accidental to a sped up version of the relationship. A hundred percent. I'll leave my job for you. It's like, but we've only fucked once. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like, I feel like why doesn't she just split the difference and be like, okay,

Break up with... Give this guy two or three months. Not even to give yourself a chance to like him, but just like...

Give yourself a three month deadline to break up with him. So then it's like a little cleaner than just like breaking up with him the second he leaves the job. It's kind of like, oh, it's kind of like, oh, I can't break up. Or you got this trip booked this summer. Right, right. We're going to this wedding. It's like the same kind of thing. You know, give the guy a few weeks. True. Give it a real honest college try. I mean, but that's not even a college try, but like just wait a little bit. True. Slow play him if you have to. Yeah.

We'll hang out next week. It's not good advice usually to be in a relationship you don't want to be in, but you got to make your case a little...

or something. But that's also why we need more info, right? Yeah. Because I think that's good advice if she was like an active participant in this plan. Right. She kind of pushed it on him. You know what I mean? She's like, yeah. She's like one of the architects of you leaving your job so we can fuck. But. Because I understand how that sounds on paper. Of course. You're fucking DMing with some coworker and he's like, I wish we could fuck with these stupid HR rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she's like, well, why don't you quit your job and I'll suck your dick? And he's like, fuck.

fuck yeah and then he shows up and he's like I quit and she's like wait what the fuck I'm gay yeah she's really going for the spacey defense she's like I've committed unspeakable crimes I'm gay I like alcohol and men doesn't that make me not evil

So yeah, that's what I do wish we had a little more info about how this started. But yeah. And if this job, this company is hiring. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Steam deck and noise canceling headphones. You never even have to see me. Do they have a lifeguard position? Is there a pool? Do they need a lifeguard? Kids just drowning as I'm playing fucking Shadow of Mordor for the eighth time.

Oh, man. I feel for... I mean, I definitely feel for our call. I feel for both of these people. I feel like she also, like, absolutely do not move in with him. If this is a situation where, you know, she's just really passive and going with the flow, do not move in with him. Absolutely. And, in fact, if he tries to, like, get that going fast, that could be a clean... That could be her out to be like, I don't know. This is moving a little too fast for me. Let's see if we can get her on a fucking...

Live call for real. All right. I need to know a little more about this fucking situation. We do a couple live calls on Patreon sometimes. Oh, you'll get some follow-up from the people? Yeah, sometimes. Or we'll have white people. Well, let me know if you get Amanda that day. I want to hear word for word slowly her watching some chick suck her boyfriend's dick. Boyfriend, not husband. Let me know if you get Amanda. Maybe her and my wife could become friends and maybe talk some stuff out. What else we got here, LD?

Stop you, baby. Hey, I thought I'd call and give an update. You answered my question quite a while ago, but I called about my wife hitting her early 40s and really...

This was from the George and Sam episode a long time ago. Oh, this was a while ago. Wasn't his wife a freak and he couldn't keep up? Yeah, basically. She's like 40 or something. That's something that happens to women in their 40s.

Gabriel's like, I just want to eat Domino's. Yeah. The cruel punishment that God, that the supreme being put in our bodies is that men at 40 start to fail and women at 40 are like, I cannot get enough. And you're just like, missing. I can't put it. There's too much hymns in my bloodstream. Yeah, promo code Stobby for hymns. I have more hymns than blood. Yeah.

More hymns in than hymns in. More hymns in than hymns in.

Yes, promo code Stavi. A couple comedians on, George Siveris and Sam Taggart, having the two gay guys on there was hilarious. That is true. They're awesome. I wasn't, neither of us were interested in butt stuff. Well, it turns out she is. So long story short. Turns out I am. That's been going pretty well. She's

She likes some of the ass play stuff we've been doing. - Nice dude. - But I was calling to also ask an additional question. See what your advice would be on asking her and talking to her about watching some porn together. - Wow. - A little background would be, we've never really talked about it.

What? What?

What is going on here? This keeps coming up. People keep talking about porn as cheating. Is something in the zeitgeist here? Are we really getting that conservative as a country that people are starting to talk about porn? Yeah, not politically conservative, but socially conservative to the degree where jacking off is cheating. Save your seed for me.

What the fuck? Especially this guy's calling. He's like, yeah, my wife's a freak now in her 40s. Yeah, she lets me fucking rip her asshole out. I'm worried about letting her know I watch Pornhub. You're good, bro. She lets you call into a podcast and say, she liked the ass play, gay guys.

So I think she's chill, dude. But yeah, watching porn, yeah, that's great. I think that's another thing to spice it up. You know what I mean? I would say that this is a fun couple's activity, but just keep in mind...

The male taste and the female taste could be pretty far apart. And you, like, the thing I'm always worried about when men, young men, ask me about this stuff or I hear, I'm always concerned that, like, you know when you've been, like, to go back to a cannabis analogy, you've been smoking fucking Keef bong rips and, like, laced joints and then you have, like, a friend over and you forget. Oh, yeah.

That they're not up to that level. Remember that with pornography. We don't necessarily, she might not want to kick it off with like mascara running throat jobs. Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack. Yeah. It's like, this is called 8th Street Latinas. You know, like,

You might not want to go right into hard, like, so kind of let her lead. I will say by the flip side, I have dated some women who watch the most atrocious things you could possibly imagine. You got to find out from them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because you don't want to overstep and be like, what kind of stuff turns you on? It's like this. And she's like, what? Like, yeah. But the other trick is maybe you find like one porn star that looks kind of like your girl and you're like, I like her. Oh, she's hot. Right?

Oh, shoot. You're fucking like... I jerk off to regular girls. Yeah. I mean, to be fair, that is kind of my thing now. It's just like, I like when a TV is on in the background. I want it to be so amateur that I'm like, this could be like, you know, this could be a colleague. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I got you. But yeah, dude, you're in there, dude. You're... Yeah, start slow. I think that's good advice. And then fucking... She's definitely going to be into watching porn. That's a fun little spice-up activity.

Nothing wrong with that. That seems kind of like... Not that you should rank kinks, but to me, watching porn is probably lower on that than your first ass encounter. Than late in life, like butt plugs. Right, yeah. Like...

Yeah, dude. You should have started with port. You're fine. Now you're going back. You're beating level one. You got the fireballs. You're going to 100% it. Yeah. You want to get all the map. You want to complete the map. Yeah. You're going to skip that somehow. Yeah. You're back to tutorial. You got this X to jump, Y to crawl. All right. You got something fun for us to go out on here, Elders? Oh, yeah. This has been so fun, dude. Thanks for coming. Oh, please. I'm having a fucking blast. And we're really helping people.

That's what's important. Oh my God, that was amazing. Hi, Stavi. I'm a trans dude. I just wanted to call in and ask if you have any tips for making guy friends. I would love to have some more guy friends, but I don't seem to be able to speak their language.

They, I don't know, they all seem kind of aloof and they don't really talk about their feelings at all. Welcome, brother. That's what it's like around here. You know, like, how are you doing? How's your mental health? And they stare at me like no one's ever asked how they feel ever in their life. And either it goes really well or they're like, Jesus Christ, what are you talking about, dude? Yeah.

So yeah, I need dude information from the inside. So, I don't know. - All right, so I'm assuming you're taking whatever steps are as part of your transition. The main step you need, I think, from a layman when transitioning to being a man is to watch the movie Heat and then you will always have something to talk to guys about.

It goes across all ages. You can just say fucking heat, right? And everyone will be like, yeah, Val Kilmer with the guns. Val Kilmer is awesome. Michael Mann. There's so many rich...

Veins to fly out on after that. De Niro, Pacino, Michael Mann. Why didn't Val Kilmer ever really figure it out? Why didn't we get that guy in his own movie? There's so much good stuff. It's funny what he's asking. He's 100%...

I don't want to compare our lives at all, but this is something I dealt with as just a sensitive heterosexual cis man guy. I'm just like, how's everyone feeling? They're like, you're gay. Shut the fuck up, pussy. That's how we're feeling. If Stav ever asked me how's my mental health, I'd be like, are you okay? He's my best friend. I was like, what?

Not each other for 25 years. I would be suspicious if you asked me that after my mom died. I don't think I did ask you that after your mom died. I was like, damn, dude. That sucks. Your mom, who we both, who I probably love, the woman I love the most after my own mother just passed away, and we never had a direct conversation about it. We just flew you out to L.A. and smoked weed. What?

When I did that show, that was a great weekend, though. But that is a good... Man, this is a lot like Collateral. Yeah. We literally took mushrooms and we fucking watched... Yeah, that's... But that is... That might kind of be the answer, is like, if you are worried about a dude, don't ask him directly. Just do something awesome with him. Yeah, just be present. Like...

like Stavi and I have never met before. We have just sat here and had like a random bit conversation about our childhood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Found all these parallels. That's all you need. Honestly, Men Connect, if sports aren't for you, that's like sports is a good... Sports is so, it's a very, cheat code. The NFL for small talk.

easiest thing in the fucking world. I think I call it father-in-law conversations. Yes, yes, yes. And it's like, this is what you can talk to your Trump-supporting father-in-law about is movies, sports, like what kind of car you drive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you are not a car head. Right. Just telling a 70-year-old man you have a Subaru Outback, they're like, all-wheel drive, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then now we're buddies, yeah. Totally. You'd be surprised also how low the bar is. Like if...

If you go to a gym and you've said to some person twice, like, hey, nice lift or sup, that person may consider you a gym friend. A hundred percent. Like, I have nod friends that I'm like, that's my boy. I wonder what he's up to. Yeah, yeah. I wonder what that guy's up to, man. And so, yeah, that's something you might just be...

overthinking this in a crazy manner. There's like the... You just hang out. You just do... And maybe like... Again, instead of making the effort to directly ask about mental health, an effort that might go... Because the other thing I'll say about...

bros, almost no one is good at making plans. If you figure out, let's say they're showing a print of heat, and you're like, boys, I got four tickets. There's a wing place around there. I got the 4K of Big Trouble in Little China. I got the 4K of Big Trouble in Little China. Just having a sick activity and passing time together, that is what a fucking...

true conversation is like that is like connection and you will eventually you'll have those real convos, but it's like, it happens when you're not expecting it. It's sometimes just randomly happens. Like I feel like we have just been like playing Mario tennis and

And just, we've had a profound discussion about you, like, when you were still thinking about... When it's just like, hey... I think I literally was just like, why haven't you proposed to your girlfriend yet? Like, out of nowhere. It just kind of felt right. And we had a legit... Not making any eye contact. I'm fucking... I'm boo hitting my... I'm serving...

I'm doing the weird boo serve. He's fucking Waluigi. We're not looking at each other's eyes and we're having one of the deepest conversations of our lives. Yeah, one of my best friends, we were wasted at his mom's lake house and we ended up like hugging with life vests on in the lake. We were like drunk having a conversation and I was like, fuck it,

love you man this is when it happens while we're treading water it's when it happens so like it is so funny to me now I'm wading into some dangerous territory here I support every choice everyone knows that about Stavi's world I am into whatever you want to do no matter what I could I

it comes from a little bit of, I could give a shit. Totally. But that's the most important thing we all forgetting at the end of the day. I don't really give a fuck what anyone is doing if they don't bother me. Yeah. If they're not hurting anyone else. So, but it is wild to,

want to be a man you know what i mean like to me that seems like a crazy thing i'm like hey i finally realized my dream of being a man and now i'm a man and you guys are kind of fucking late oh brother i could have said welcome aboard the titanic the day you started uh whatever uh system you started yeah because it what you're describing is real it is what we are like

I'll be in couples therapy and my couples therapist will straight up say shit. Like that's what guys are like to my wife. And it's like, yeah, it is kind of crazy to say that in 2024. It just is universal truth. For some reason, little boys like trucks. For some reason, big boys don't like eye contact. Yeah. So that's, I mean, that's the, that's really, if there is a secret, it's like,

Hang out, play video games. The best times, when me, Eldis, and our friends that we've known for 15 years hang out, what we always do is...

We come over, like maybe we'll go out to dinner or whatever, but otherwise we'll come over to my apartment because I have the best setup for watching movies. We will watch a stupid movie. The single guy with a pretty good paying job. I'm the rich guy. I'm the rich single guy. And so we come to my place. We watch my sick projector. We order Chinese food. We call each other gay. We say our dicks are small. Yeah.

And then like for one second, I'll be like, oh, whatever happened with that girl? She's a fucking bitch, dude. And then we're like, all right, we're back to the movie. You know what I mean? And that's it. And those are my best friends in the world. Guys I've been friends with for 32 years, when we get together, we play video games and then just say random kids we went to school with full names. Just to like surprise each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, have you thought of this guy? When's the last time you thought of this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be like, Michael Carter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the other guy's like, oh.

Oh, fuck that freak. And then you look him up. You're like, oh, damn, his wife's hot. He was another cop that shot a guy. The fifth guy we looked up from our high school that was a cop who's been fired. Oh,

Oh, fuck. But hey, man, that's what it's like. Welcome. Yeah, welcome to a literal... It's honestly a little... I'm a little honored that someone is choosing to jump to this team. You know what I mean? Like, that's crazy. Welcome. If you're ever around me, just fire off, like, what movie you watched recently and I can talk to you. Honestly, I have...

I have like friends of mine who I'm like, I officiated their wedding and I just show up. And when I see them, I go, I saw Y2K today. It was hysterical. And they're like, oh, I want to see the Brutalist. It's like, oh, I want to see. And we just say that for like 40 minutes. It's like, it was so good hanging out with Jimmy. Oh yeah, that looks awesome. That looks fucking sick, dude. We should see that. You don't see it together. Right.

But yeah, if you come up with a little bit of a... I think that's so much more valuable of what the team is missing is a little planning. Yeah. In my experience, like how many times if one of us had... And we have a friend who actually is like... He sometimes will plan something. He'll be like, should we go to this restaurant? And like...

It's fuck. We're all, if he makes the res, you're like, yeah, that sounds awesome. Or he'll be like, I, that's always a fun move to is like, Hey, no pressure. I got tickets to this. And then sometimes half of us come, sometimes all of us go, that's the other thing is like, it's gotta be no pressure.

It can't be direct and it's got to be a fun thing. Yeah. And then you just got... It's quality time with the bros. That's what it is, man. I'm that guy. My wife tells me I have camp counselor energy because I'm always the guy that's like, I looked it up. Billy Joel is playing this Friday in Vegas. If we go on Thursday, we can do blank, blank, and blank. We do crabs. We can eat at Yardbird. We can do that. And they're like, all right, all right.

I mean, and I'm like, click, click, click. I just, I'm fucking high at a computer all the time. It's so easy to be like, I can make plans. Totally dude. But in a different, in a different world, you'd be a lifeguard slash travel agent on the Long Island sound. Yeah.

Ain't much island life for an islander like me. But yeah, good luck, bro. Welcome aboard the Titanic. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good. We're rooting for you. Let us know. It's a great time to be a white guy. Smart move. It's swinging back, actually. It's swinging back.

All right. Yeah. Congrats to you as well as us for Trump's Trump getting elected. It's a great time to be away, man. I know it's a little bittersweet for you, but still a guy now, so it's actually sick. You win some, you lose some. Yeah.

But yeah, that's going to do it, John, dude. Thank you so much. This was so fun. Dude, Stavi, this was a blast. I'm so glad we got to hang. Hit us up when you're in New York, dude. I know you probably, if you go, if you're back on the island and you're coming into Queens, dude, we're in Astoria. You don't even have to fully get into the city. I don't even have to go over water. No, no.

That's going to do it for this episode, guys. Thanks, and we'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye.