#119 - Tim Dillon
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Oh, Bob! Fucking Eldest, you piece of shit. Welcome to Stompy's World. Eldest screwed up the... I guess we shouldn't curse right up top.

Well, we'll probably get demonetized because who knows what Tim's going to say anyway. So it doesn't really matter. The show's over. So I guess telling Elvis to go fuck himself doesn't matter. As Tim nakedly courts the levers of power as he tries to get invited to Epstein's Island 2.0. I mean, I'm trying my hardest. By the way, you know what's so sad? It's like...

It'll be every, like, orgy would be a no. Yeah, yeah. It would be a hard no. Even if we were so rich. Yeah. That's the problem. Yeah. We were really rich. Yeah. And it would be tough because we would be the guys who were like, no, we just borrowed the plane. Right, right. No, we literally just, they literally took us to Cleveland. They wouldn't even. I'm on the flight logs. I went to Toledo. Yeah.

They just were, they were, I was, they, you know, padded their stats. Love it. Tim Dillon here. Back in Astoria. Back where, you know, 10 years ago, both of us. Yeah. I'm still in the same apartment. You know, this is the same one. Yeah, but you kicked everyone out. Everyone else is gone. Now I live with my podcast.

But this is the apartment that, you know, we split a lot of cabs from the stand. That's right. Because you lived like two blocks over from me. Podcasts now have become like a family for a lot of people. Yeah. It's like as much money as we have is the saddest life imaginable. Like I just want to let everyone know that, that are envious of the financial. Yeah.

Benefits. It is. Because what you just said, I live with my podcast. Yeah, my podcast is my roommate. That's exactly how I feel and how many people feel. Like these cameras that I'm looking at are the children. Yeah, absolutely. It's so funny. Absolutely. No, it is. Because it's like, you know, comics from...

whatever, you know, the past. Sure. You'd have a TV show and you'd have a bunch of like writers and you'd see cameraman every day. Yeah. Now with this, you see like one dude. You'd feel like an emperor of a little kingdom. Everybody loves Raymond. Yeah. There's a hundred people sucking on Raymond's dick. Yeah. I got eldest. Yeah. I see my friend. Right. I have to, and then what happens is you have to order your friends around. That's right. So now,

you don't even have a pure friendship anymore. They're your employee. And then you have to go like, you have to schedule, which is the craziest thing. You're like, well, I guess 1130. And,

And there's nothing to do the whole day. There's nothing to do the whole day. You're like, well, I guess one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess? Yeah, 1131. How does that sound, fellas? I know. The scheduling's hilarious. I have to... That's most... I do more scheduling than I do actual talking on the microphone. Yeah. Like, just texting my friends. Of course. Like, what do you think? And I know none of us have really anything to do. Comedians either have nothing to do or they weirdly have...

I have a 90-minute window for the next two months. Yeah. And you're like, all right, whatever, man. Let's just fucking... Look, I don't give a fuck. We just got to get this... We just got to produce 90 minutes of content for the YouTube channel. We got to feed the algorithm. That's what it comes down to. We got to feed the beast. I do love that you're wearing sunglasses that, like, black China would wear. That you're wearing, like... First of all, black... I actually...

I actually am a huge fan of Blac Chyna's mother, Tokyo Tony. Do you know Tokyo Tony? I don't know about Tokyo Tony. Do you know Tokyo Tony? I don't know about Tokyo Tony. She screams at homeless people in the street, but then gives them money. Oh, Shalana Hunter, Tokyo Tony. They've both got the charming gap in their tooth.

Well, it's a family. Yeah. Like anything else, it's a family. Is it the ideal family? That's for people to decide. So Tokyo Tony will drive through downtown L.A. with money and go, you want it? Right. You want it? Yeah. And then homeless people, many of them on drugs, will approach the car and she gives it to them and then yells at them about their decisions and stuff. That could be worse.

be what I evolve into. Absolutely. I can see that. Like a charitable guy, but also with a lot of problems. You need to yell at someone. Like I got to yell at like a homeless guy and then give him money. Yeah. Yeah. Because you need, exactly. Again, circling back to how podcast, it's like you don't even have a family anymore. Yeah. You won't, you don't have a, you don't have a spoiled son. Right. To treat that way. I'm fully supposed to have a fat wife and be in the closet.

And I never should have came back. I'm fully supposed to live a closeted Irish life. You resent your daughter for being hot and getting cocked. That's right. And you call her a whore because you're jealous. I call her a whore. And then me and my wife just get fatter and fatter. Just sitting...

just sexually unfulfilled frustrated and thinking like weirdly religious weirdly religious and then the next year reject it all this is like something that Irish Catholics do oh interesting it goes from like real theocratic fascism yes yes to then the next year they go there's nothing out there right there's nothing and then the next year you're religious again right right that should have been my life

But I sobered up, I came out of the closet, and I started a podcast. So my life, oddly, is much emptier. Yeah. It's actually terrible. I'm an honest person to a degree. It's kind of a terrible existence because there is such a... There's such a...

Interesting. To be in a web of lies, and Eddie Pepitone has a great joke about it where he talks about being in a web of lies so thick that one could just blow the whole house down. Right, right, right. That is a way to live. Well, you're secure. That's right. The lies hold you in place. That's right. You know, there is something about unfulfilled social norms. Yes. No one's happy, but they're moving forward. That's right. It's like being in a beehive.

You know what I mean? You're just in that little hole. You got your little thing. Maybe the queen looks at you. She eats your jizz and beheads you or whatever the fuck she does. There's also something about being a functioning alcoholic that I think provides a challenge to people. There's too much time in a day. There's way too much. Way too much. Now, we have phones to fill in the gaps, but back in the day,

Your hangover, getting drunk. You know what I mean? Like there was a delicate balance where you would, you know, you could, all you need to do is get sober up enough, do three hours of work to keep your boss off your back. There's a great little part of Queens, New York called Rockaway Beach. Sure, I know about Rockaway Beach. And Rockaway Beach has these little courts of Irish people where it's a court with bungalows and they all spend the summers there so they don't have to drive. Wow. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. They summer in Rockaway? It's called a life hack. You know what I mean? And so they can walk to the beach and then they can walk back to their bungalow and then they can walk to the bar and then they can walk to the deli and so on and so forth until the end. Right, right, right. And I grew up, my uncle had a bungalow there and I grew up

seeing that community and it is a very fun, genuine community, but you can't do it sober. - You can't do it sober. Imagine that. - You can't do it sober. You have to be, 'cause I went back there just a few months ago to just say hello to some friends I hadn't seen in a very long time. And I was sober and I went, this isn't okay to be sober.

Like, it's... To see the pampers wash up on the Brighton Beach shores. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, to see the disgusting waters you've been swimming in, it's horrible. I mean... Because they come up to you. They just built a new hotel there. Oh, man. And they'll come up to you and they go, have you seen the hotel? And they're all happy. And then you realize why Irish people never did anything. Yeah. Like, the Jews and the Arabs, they figured it out. This is when we... Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But like the Irish people, you know. No, I'll steer it back. They became cops. No, but they just didn't do anything because they go like this. They go, their eyes get big. They go, have you seen the hotel? Yeah.

And I go, oh, but, I mean, you've been in Manhattan, right? There's the Plaza Hotel. But their point is we can walk to the hotel and get intoxicated from our house. Right, right, right. The parking's easier. The parking's easier. It's a culture of convenience. It's a culture of convenience. Hanging out. And it's a culture of you think you're better than me. Sure.

You think you're better than me? Yes. Yes, that's right. If everything is a fight, if every moment is a competition, then you feel like a victor even if all you did was beat up your developmentally disabled cousin. Yeah. That's a victory to you. That's correct. You count that. Yes. Whereas other cultures might say, why bother with this? Build a thing.

Yeah. Go to school. No, Irish people, the big thing with, and I love them and I'm from there. And that's why I have a horrible, you know, that horrible, you know, life, but it's my fault. Yes. Yes. You know what I mean? Like, and I mean, I've had a great life too, but also horrible, but it's my fault. Like when Irish people go rough night, you,

You made it a rough night. Right, right, right. We did it. And we do it. Yeah. And we look for the problem. Yeah. But then we get in so many of them. Yeah, yeah. That it is fair to say we've got trouble. Sure, the troubles. We've got issues because we go and find the things we shouldn't be. Yeah. You know? Yeah, I mean, and they're great domestic terrorists. They're amazing domestic terrorists. They're awesome. Shout out to the NRA. They love- Lizzie's in a box. Yes.

They love the Palestinians so much. Yeah. Which is awesome. Which is great. I'm all, it's been very sad what's happening over there. Yeah. But it's so much in Ireland. It borders on like, guys, wait a minute. Yeah.

There's a little bit of anti-Semitism creeping in. I've never seen them love anyone that much. They love... But I get it because it's the whole thing. I get it. Yeah, they get to be... I mean, it's like when your history is oppression, you see it. And it's like nobody else is saying it, so it seems crazy. No, for sure. But they're like, hey, uh...

Should we maybe stop doing this insane shit? It's just funny because you'll be in Ireland and then you just see a guy painting somebody with a keffiyeh on. Just an Irish guy painting this Muslim lady on the wall. And you go, well, that's lovely.

That is awesome. It's a real solidarity there. I'd love to get a little... We should have an exchange program. For sure. Have you seen a video of... You can get drunk in Palestine. There's a video of Palestinians speaking English and they're speaking with Irish people.

like, thick Irish accents. Yes. Because the only English people, like, the only, like, people that stuck around were Irish people. No, that's what's great. Here's the thing that's great about the Irish. They have a sense of justice. Yeah. They have a sense of right and wrong, even though in their own lives they... Here's the thing. Yeah. We have to...

You know, we have to make a distinction between Irish from Ireland who are like persecuted, fighting against the British, have a true sense of justice. And then American Irish who, one generation, they're like, we'll be cops. Oh, nice. You'll give us sticks to beat the poorer types of people than us? The American Irish were just looking for a person to hit with a stick. And as soon as that became something that had a retirement plan...

As soon as there was a tension involved in hitting someone with a club, they got really into it. They took to it. Folks, here we are on the gorgeous tour bus, but I'm tired. I just got swole. It's a lot of travel. I'm dreaming of my relaxing, stylish bedroom at home where I have a Thuma bed frame. That's right. You've heard me talk about how much I love Thuma.

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Irish, the Irish from Ireland are, and then every Irish friend of mine has been truly, you know, a drunk. Well, I think a lot of it comes from the fact that like there, there's this pressure, like you said, to feel like you're,

You're constantly in a battle, even when you're not. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, that's the thing. Like, it's been, like, obviously early on it was hard for Irish people. Yeah. Once they migrated out to, like, Long Island and Jersey, it got a lot better. Yeah, pretty easy. Pretty quick. Yeah. Once you started going to the apple farms, you know, I don't think you're really, you know, under the thumb anymore. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But nobody wants to let it go. Like...

You can't let it go. Nobody wants to be just a person, a middle class person. Right. Nobody wants to be the type of person that can't, doesn't have much to complain about. What's fascinated me my whole life is the emptiness and emptiness

weirdly of like the American suburbs. Yeah. And how they create some of the most interesting and worst people on earth. And that that's the true landscape of America. The cities, we all know the cities and obviously we get it, but the suburbs have a mystery to them. And it's interesting to me. I've spent years living in them. Yeah. You grew up on Long Island. On Long Island. I grew up with these people there.

Brutally funny people. Yeah. Brutally funny people. Terrible. And they're in me. That's who I am as well. We have the... Our instincts are selfish. Yes, absolutely. We gotta fight them because they're all selfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very selfish instincts. Like literally, right? As the fires are raging in Los Angeles, people are losing their homes. Yeah. People are dying. Okay? I call...

a friend of mine and I'm in the car and I say, "I didn't come here for this."

That's the craziest response. That's the crazy. I go, I didn't fucking come here for this. I came here for good weather. I'm screaming now. At the top of my, in a disgusting car. I won't even say the make of the car. It's disgusting. But I'm screaming at my friend. I didn't come here for this shit. But you know what you did? I'm screaming. Here's the thing you did because what you were dreaming of was being so, having lost touch so much. So crazy.

You know what I mean? Like, you always wanted to get to the point where you are in a luxury car and you know what you're doing is obscene. It's obscene. And that you should be drug through the streets like Mussolini for what you're doing. You know that and you want to be able to behave that way. You always wanted, that's, again, I will give you credit because like there's a lot of weird. But I worry more about the people who don't admit they've

Well, that's what I'm saying. That's why I love you, Tim. And we're friends for, at this point, over a decade. And you have always...

openly said, I want to be a part of the ruling class. I want to see. I want to see what it's like. I want to taste the fruits that I did not earn. I want a friend who's made his money exploiting people. I want to be on the kinds of boats exploitation buys. And I respect that about you. But I think everyone kind of wants that.

I really do. I believe most people kind of want it because I think that the people who loudly proclaim to not want it also weirdly want it. Well, everyone wants luxury, right? Everybody seems to want... I don't want the responsibility of the ruling class. And I have no... I don't want to oppress people because that takes effort and energy. I don't have that. Exactly. That's the thing. But I want to...

I want to see what it is. I really do. You want to be in the room. I'm curious as to how the whole thing works. Right, right, right. I don't think there's any value in not understanding how it works. Sure, sure, sure. And as I've met, and I've met some of these people now. Yes, you have. Yeah, yeah. It is so boring. That's what I... It is so boring, Stavros. Yeah. It is unreal. It's the banality of evil or whatever they call it. It's so true. It is so boring. It is all just...

Really? So someone can have like a 10th house. Right. For nothing, for a number to go up on a screen, people are dying. No, it's terrible. It's crazy. And you'd think it's like people talk about the occult and that there's some like these blood rites and all this like interesting, like maybe they're lizards that live in the earth or maybe they're all like united because of these blood rituals they do. Maybe there are different species or something. Sure.

No. No. They actually just really are kind of trying to preserve their position. Yeah. And most of them have no idea what's going on. And then there's 10% that do. Sure. And those are the ones who are really nefarious. Real demons. And by the way... Real demons, yeah. The one good thing Elon Musk has done is demystified rich guys.

Sad. That's a tough guy for guys like you. Because he's a dork and a half. And he's pathetic. I've attacked him. I've said him in the back car. Because I'm... There's no dignity in that. There's no dignity in that.

And pretending to win. He paid a guy so he ranks higher in a video game. Did you know that? It's so bad. That's nuts. But it actually shows you the emptiness of money, which life is not about having lots of money. It's about community and love and family. It's about all the things that we know it's about. But what Elon has done, I think, has exposed...

that there is no amount of money. Yeah. There's no amount of money that you can give a human being where they won't heil Hitler for...

There's no amount of money you can pay someone. Just go, just go. If we give you $300 million, just don't seek out. Don't do that. And you go, it's not enough. It's not enough. It's a trillion, won't be enough. It's like, it's so sad to want to be rich and care what people, to want people to think you're cool. Yeah. I mean, that's high school behavior. But that is the currency they can't. And that's what I hate about the manifestation of wealth now is that they know who I am. Right.

Right. Or who you are. Right. Or who Andrew Schultz is. Right. Or anybody. They are, they like, like, I'm like, dude, you should be like, oh, you rat. Right. Oh, you yell every week. This idea, there is something, there was something refreshing about people who would just live in their castles in Greenwich, Connecticut or wherever and just be evil. I like my Republicans in suits. These guys are- Put a fucking suit on.

suit on. Don't have a stylist. For sure. They're too exposed to be really interesting. They're too exposed to be interesting. There's no mystery to Elon, really. I'm not like, ooh, what makes him tick? Everyone knows. Pathetically, it's like a pathetic need for approval. It's like being a comedian. But then I donated money to the fire people. And not the rich ones. I altered Dina, not the palisade.

I feel bad for the people in the palisades. Of course, but they'll be okay. But here's the reality. I also dislike a lot of them. You have some personal enemies. I have personal enemies that I just don't like. There's people that I dislike. I get looks. If you give my fat ass a look in Irwan when I'm eating my burrito and your house burns down, well, maybe God got involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that is, you are truly the like,

but here's the other thing somebody said to me there's all the socialists and stuff like that they go you make the rich more uncomfortable than anyone because i go to the places they are and i sit there and they're horrified yeah and so it is something where it's like i grew up with these movies like uh trading places or curly sue or whatever i was just going to say this but go ahead yeah i grew up with these things we're homeless or caddyshack we're homeless type people it's the flip yeah would then go and invade these spaces and i do that all the time i just walk into these places

And not everyone is thrilled to see me. No, well, that's what I was going to say. You're the stereotype of the, you are the fat, loud-mouthed Long Islander. And they're like, there goes the neighborhood for billionaires. That's right. You know what I mean? It is a white guy, but it's a fat, low-class Irish white guy. And the voice is working class. The voice, yes. It's a very working class guy. So they're not thrilled with it. So it's my own...

I mean, would Mao respect it? Who knows? Yeah.

I know many of your audience is like, it's not enough. It will never be enough. It will never be enough. But it's something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is wild to watch the Elon stuff, and it's wild to watch the tech people in general because of the rich people that I've seen in my life or have met, the tech people are by far the creepiest. Absolutely. And their intentions are by far the worst. And I did a whole episode where I talked about it where I'm like,

I don't think they care, not only about America, I don't think they're fans of humanity. Right. I don't think it gets them excited. These are people who don't understand the simple pleasures of an Irish drunken fist fight. Or a bacon, egg, and cheese. Bacon, egg, and cheese. In a hungover morning. Trying to have intercourse, but your dick's soft from all the drugs in your system. That's right. They don't know what that's like. They biohack their dicks hard. Or you're gay. Or you're gay, yeah. Whatever. Whatever.

For whatever reason, your penis isn't working. Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. We come at the issue from two separate sides. Whatever it is, whatever the reason, or you're drunk and getting nothing, you know. They don't know the imperfect beauties of life, you know, and they don't take a joy from what it means to be a fucking human being. I've always said, like, you shouldn't get...

too much richer than being able to like appreciate living by a body of water. Yeah. Like you should be able to go, you know, I live by the beach. That's kind of cool. Totally. You shouldn't get so, so crazy rich that you go, how do I terraform another planet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I do believe that. Right. I do believe that. We need some stops here, folks. We need some caps here. We need a higher, you know. And it is, yeah, it's like these tech guys, like the worst thing in the world is fucking Zuckerberg clearly going on testosterone. Because now he's like, I'm cool. I can fight. Now I'm masculine. None of it's good. They should never appear. No. They should appear in public twice a year. Yeah.

They should appear in public twice a year. By the way, that's the way the old school guys used to do it. They would show up at a shareholder meeting and then once at court. Right, right, right. And they would show up twice a year. And they didn't like being photographed. And they didn't like being... Right, they didn't like it. They hated it. And here's the other thing. What happened to throwing us a fucking bone? I'm sure the Carnegies and the fucking Vanderbilts, the Rockefellers...

They sucked your great-grandfathers dry. They took them for all they were worth. They didn't pay them a living wage, but we got a fucking opera house out of it. Give us a theater. Give us a fucking theater. A library, you fucks. Give us the Zuckerberg Center for the Performing Arts. Yes!

Let me see Gypsy at the Zuckerberg Theater for the performing arts. Yeah, let me play the Zuckerberg. By the way, Star Wars, that's such a great point. How nightmarish is it going to be in like 20 years if they start doing that? I know, yeah. You're sitting there, you're like... And it's all AI-generated ballet. Yeah, where are we going to see this? We're going to the Sam Altman Center. Ha ha ha!

Just make a left. It's just going to be a night. And it's just these five, ten freaks. Every street is named after them. Yeah. No, I mean, that's fucking, that's everything. Every person you know, every name we know. Like, I saw a list of, like, the only slaveholders in New York. Yeah. And it's every street name.

Every street's like, there was 12, there's 12, yeah, there's 12 guys that had slaves. Second door. It's every street you know in New York. It's like, every fucking piece of shit. And these current billionaires won't even do that. They won't even, they just want to be cool. They want to fucking do jujitsu. And it's like, just be a dork.

I'm shocked at the people that are ruining the world are such fucking losers. I wish that there was a way that I could get in a room with them and sit them all down and go, I know what you want to do, but you're losing right now. It's not good. And if you would just listen to me, because evil's not easy. I'd have a course. I'd have a course. It would be called Evil's Not Easy. Yeah.

And it would be about how to be a villain, how to be a real villain. I have studied and respected the real villains. Without them, you don't have heroes. Sure, sure, sure. It's true. It's true. Like, you need to push against something. What are you pushing against?

Beautiful, yes. So Evil's Not Easy, and it's a chorus, and it's me, and I sit in a room with Vivek and Elon and Zuck and Tim Cook, who's somehow like just this strange, like, is he AI? Is he alive? I don't know about Tim Cook. And Altman, he's the Apple guy, and then Altman and all these guys, and I go, listen, guys.

And I give them props. I go, Sam Altman, what you're doing in Africa is good because it's out of view. Right.

So that's good. The fact that you're evil. - Check for evil. - We don't know what you're up to. That's very evil. - Tennessee woman, giving everyone a biometric crypto when they're born so that you could just give them money so you can enslave them and cast them. But you're doing it in Africa. We don't really know what it is. We know what's really reporting on it. And that whistleblower turns up dead. You're on the right track. - Whistleblower's dead is one of the most classic forms of evil possible. - Elon, Sieg Heilig.

On America's Got Talent? Not good. That's not good. Zuckerberg, a three-hour thing with Roque? That's not great. Yeah. That's not great. The Nazi shit is like, it's like, not only are you a fucking piece of shit, but it's like, you're a hack. You're a hack.

You couldn't come up with something. Well, it's weird because it's clearly, and listen, I don't know that the guy, I don't think he's a Nazi, but I don't know, is he trolling? But it is a weird salute that- There's no positive. There's no other way. Yes, there's no positive. No, I agree. If you're trolling, you're a 50-year-old billionaire who's a troll. It's not good if he's trolling, but I'm wondering like-

what is he doing? What is the thought process? I mean, I really think it's pretty simple and it's like every time he's tried, he's a master class in losing public support. Because remember like 10 years ago,

If you're watching any movie and they have like, it's Iron Man. Oh, it's a cool thing to have. Iron Man calls Musk and he's like, yeah, I'm using some of the tech you sent over. Or if they ever need a shorthand for a genius in the, you know, if it's a period piece, they say Einstein. Yeah. 10 years ago, they say Elon Musk. That's right. Everyone viewed him as a genius. Right. And then it became, when he started posting and it's like, wait, this guy's just stealing memes and tweets. I think the problem is the exposure level. I think that,

you,

Totally. What always interests me a lot about people is that people lust for fame. Yes. Which has so many downsides. It's bad. It's legitimately bad for you. Whereas money has not a ton of downsides. Yeah. Like there are downsides to having money. Yeah, for sure. But there's a lot less. Too much of it. It eats at your soul. It eats at your soul. There's just not. There's not. Whatever. But you can get past that. But fame's a whole. It's a very like paradigm shifting thing. It's destabilizing. It's weird. And what's interesting to me is about his lust for fame.

for fame. Right. It's weird. I think it's one of those things that makes me slightly uncomfortable. I think him and Trump are about to have a showdown. I think it's coming. That will be hilarious. I think it's coming.

I really believe it's coming. It's the finals of like RuPaul's Drag Race level. I think Trump's going to win. Trump's going to handle him. It's not even close. He's going to handle him. He's going to handle him. Musk does not know what's coming his way. Well, that's why when I'm going back to the Sig Heil shit. Trump might see him as a fall guy too. Trump might be looking at him and going like, let him just do what he's doing. That's what scares me as a not fan of Trump is like, he will figure out a way to harness how much of a fucking loser Elon is

And get out of some serious trouble. And yeah, we will actually be happy. We'll be like, good job, Trump, for a second. The thing about Trump is, if you watch him, I've never met him. I know people that know him well. He has these weird political instincts that no one knows where they're from. But they're unmatched. And he's always weirdly like,

hitting the note when he needs to hit the note. And I think one of the reasons, he looked at this whole thing and he goes, I need guys around me who can go down. I think he looks at it and goes, I need some guys around me that can go down. I think he's got like a tabloid mind. He knows like... What's reality TV? Reality TV is what it is. It's like he's manufactured... Yeah, you're right. And I think what he's...

been able to do is like look at guys who think they're using him. I believe they all think they're using him. I think he's going no no no I'm using you. You don't even know it. Right. I know you think you're using me. I'm actually using you. That's what I think but I don't know. Because it is again Queen's real estate developer. That's right. All of those it's kind of like that Irish shit of like he grew he's taking that like down and dirty shit. He knows the things that we're saying these guys have no clue about. He

He's observed them. He's not in fist fights and all these working class things, but he's observed them. He gets what, he goes, oh, I get what that guy got out of that. Right, right, right. So he's able to get, so I think him and Elon are on a crash course. That will be very interesting. We'll see what happens. You know, hopefully, personally, I'd love to see them both take each other out, but you know, whatever. This episode of Style is Real, that's right. It's sponsored by booking.com, booking.yeah.

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Have you ever had a fall guy situation? Have you ever had like a growing up or maybe when you're on cocaine selling subprime mortgages? Was there ever like, did you ever see anybody go down? Did you ever see anybody's life ruined? No one's life got ruined just because they committed financial crimes. Right, right.

I don't know if you've been to America. I know you're Greek and you just got here. Welcome. No, I've never seen. No, truly, to be honest with you. Yeah.

Because it was all predominantly legal. Right. Subprime mortgages were never illegal. Right. Fraud's illegal. Right. But subprime mortgages were never illegal. You alleviate the burden of illegality when you just go, you don't have to ask for someone's income. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it was all legal stuff. And then the,

The taxpayers bailed out these guys. Sure. And everybody kind of was, you know, relatively unscathed. I mean, I knew guys that were super, really bad doing fraud and shit. They got in trouble. Sure, sure, sure. But that was years later. They started doing, like, loan modifications and shit like that. But I was never at the top. I was, like, a little guy cold calling. I was a nobody. Yeah, so take me through your, like, the, like...

the timeline of your jobs. You started, you're a lifeguard. I was a lifeguard. Well, you were a child actor. I was a child actor. Six to 12. What did you, oh yeah, we talked about it on your podcast. But a lot of stuff, never, never, never, never got molested. Never got molested. Was hot. Do you think that would have made you straight somehow? Not only would it have made me straight, it would have made me successful. Which I also wasn't. Tim on Nickelodeon. I was on Sesame Street, which was free.

Right. There was no money in that. Right, right. It was like public television. With the bowl cut. That's how far I got. Yeah. Public television. Yeah, yeah. And your parents were supportive of you being a child. How do you even... What happened? Because they kind of were... That was... There was a certain...

Boomer thing Where they were like My kid's a star And he's gonna bail me Out of the mess I've got myself Yes yes yes Like sure we're in A hell of a lot of debt Yeah yeah But wait till they Get a load of him Right Which he learns How to tap dance Yeah and they Yeah he can tap dance And he can get us Out of debt And it just still goes on It's like

Every lunatic dad who's in the bleachers screaming that their son's going to be the Heisman winner. The Costco guys. All of it. All of it. It's a very American thing to pimp your children out to get out of horrible death. Yeah.

that you got into. It's an incredibly American thing to look at your child and go, actually, we're not fucked. You're a star. You're going to do it. You're going to sing our way out of this. So then I got, when I was like 11 or 12, I started to gain weight and then it was over. You go through puberty. It's over. I mean, these casting directors, they throw you out.

They throw you out. You hit the wall at 11. No, no one's trying to take you to the palm. You know, like this isn't, no one wants to go to Smith and Walensky's with you. And then I started doing like junior lifeguard. And then I was a lifeguard at a beach club, which meant I never saved anyone. Right. No one deserved to be saved. Right.

I was a pool lifeguard. They would bring you food. You would sit in the chair and they'd bring chicken rolls and pizza and you'd sit there and eat. And then the owner of the beach club would go, you guys can't eat in the chair. He goes, it's actually disgusting. Right.

And we would look, and we'd have like barbecue sauce on our face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barbecue chicken pizza. And, you know, once we missed a save, he came up to me, he goes, you guys, the mother said she had to jump in and save her kid. And not you guys. And we were like, we don't even know what you're talking about. Come on, man. So it was one of those things where it was like, you would just abuse power. Sure. Don't run. Stop running. Right, right, right. Stop running. No running on the deck. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? Like stuff like that. And then that was over. And then I did, um,

I finished high school and then I got into mortgages. I was cold calling mortgages. - Out of high school? - Yeah, like community college. After community college, I would go and just cold call mortgages. And that was right on the cusp of it ending. This was 2004 or five. - Right, you got in just before. - They were robbing me. I never got the money I deserved. They're like, "Yeah, yeah, we'll get you a commission on the deal. We'll pay you on the debt." And you're dumb shit. They give you a grand every now and then, a couple of grand here and there.

And then I made a little bit of money and I was enough where I was like, oh, maybe this would be a career. And then immediately, as soon as I made any money, it just mortgage meltdown, total collapse. You bought a house too, weren't you? I bought a house. I was 22, 21 years old. And I bought a house zero down. No money down. $600,000 house, 22 years old. Rented half of it. They were like, just buy it and rent it. You'll be good. And it worked for a couple of years. And then it was like, oh,

Then I was way underwater. The house was like, I was like 200 grand underwater. I talked to people that go, just fuck it. Just leave. And I just left because there was nothing to do. And then I just moved to New York City. I had no credit score for 10 years. And I worked shit jobs. What's up with the house now? Who's living there now, man? I don't know. I miss somebody. You should go in. I should knock on the door. You should knock on the door.

That's a good podcast. Well, that's what people say to me all the time. They go, when you were like really drugged up, coked out and drunk, what do you regret doing? And usually everybody has some story about like, oh, I fucked some chick or I did some thing and I bought a home.

I bought a... I was one of the only people in Long Island poked out at open houses. Just walking, going like, yeah, but what if you took the fucking wall down? Let's go to this master suite. It's bigger. We could put the wall down. We could maybe put a whole mirror up on the wall. Yeah. Maybe a disco ball right here. So it's like...

Yeah. And then that was a big disaster. That was my first foray into being a real estate investor. Right. It was terrible. Right. And then I was broke. And that's when I met you guys. Yeah. Doing stand-up. But having no money. Being like a tour guide. Yeah.

doing stand-up comedy in Astoria Queens. That's right. I love them. And so what is the, what's the thought process of your, because you're an only child, right? Yeah. And so what's the, did your parents get divorced at what age? They got divorced seventh grade. They had a mediator. They couldn't afford lawyers. They got a mediator. It lasted for two years. They lived in the house to spite each other, you know? But that's okay because I only turned out to be a closeted gay cocaine addict who enthusiastically supported the Iraq war.

So, thank God I wasn't affected. You know, thank God that was okay. But no, they're both, I love them both. They were just, it's spiteful.

The Long Island is driven by spite and grievance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is a place driven by spite and grievance. Yeah. That generation of people. Yeah. Specifically. It's why they're so funny. Yeah, yeah. It's why they're so funny. It's funny. It boils up. It bubbles up over. Because you gotta catch. They never caught it. Like, I caught it. Like, when I'm in my car going, I didn't move here for this. This sucks. Yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, people are losing everything. Why am I even having these thoughts? Yeah. I catch it and I realize it's monstrous. Right. You gotta catch it. I have to.

I have it, but you catch it. They never caught it. They never caught it. They would go my whole life. My father said to my cousin this summer, we were at a barbecue. She goes, how was COVID for you? And he goes, well, I've been unlucky in my life, but he's a wine salesman. He goes, but I was lucky during COVID because people drank a lot of wine.

Now, he's been unlucky in his life. Straight, white, healthy guy. Yeah. It's been great. Yeah. Was in a band. Probably got a lot of pussy. Right. Everything was fine. Yeah. Was fine. To say I've been unlucky in my life is the most psychotic statement to make ever. Born in the best generation in history. In history. Everything. But it's just funny the way he said it because my life's been unlucky. It's been tough. It's been hard. He might have been talking about you and your mother maybe. Yeah, for sure. And by the way, but he created me. Yeah, yeah.

I agree. I agree. And you married her. You know what I mean? So what do you, you know what I mean? And he was no problem. Nobody was a problem. No one in my house. And I want to say this. Yeah. Just in case there's any confusion. In case there's any confusion. No one in my house was surprised. Yeah.

Nobody won anything in my house. Yes. It was not a carnival where anybody won. Yeah, no one walked away with the big teddy bear. There was no big teddy bear in my house.

But it was just, they lived together and, and, and, and it was rough. My grandmother was a saint and she raised me kind of, and I love her and she's a reason. On your mom or dad's side? My mother's side. And then my grandfather was a really good guy as well. On my father's side, I didn't see him enough. He was a great guy, an entrepreneur. He was a lot, you know, I respected him a lot, loved him and respected him because he came from Ireland, had no money, was a general contractor and worked and had a big family and kept them all together and did, you know, did the thing. So,

So did you have cousins and shit growing up? My cousin's a huge fan of you. Massive. He lives close. He's a huge fan of you. I love it. That's so funny. Yeah, because it's like, it is interesting. And do you know what? They just got divorced for just because? Did your dad, did anybody cheat? What's going on here? My father was...

My mother was schizophrenic. Right. And those issues were coming up. I see. And my father was as schizophrenic as she was. He was kind of a lazy guy. Yeah. And he would kind of like...

you know, like a famous story is like, I was, I, the bus pulled up outside and my father was just laying on a couch watching Sally, Jesse Raphael at 3 PM. My mother goes, your son's walking in the house. You should probably turn that off. And he goes, and then I just walk in and Sally, Jesse would be like dealing with teen pregnancy, dealing with all that stuff. And my dad's sitting there at 3 PM. He's a great guy, but he just wasn't like, let's light the world on fire with ambition. Yeah. Yeah.

No ambition, your mom's losing her mind. And then my mom's losing it. My dad had like a band, so he would like practice music in the house. Even while you were like, he was doing that as, what was his job while you were growing up? He was selling photocopiers. And then my mother was a swim teacher. And jamming. And jamming. So I'd fall asleep every night. He'd be in his studio, bye, bye, Miss American Pie, with all of his friends.

And like my mother would be like out to eat. They would just go out to eat. My mother would go out to eat every night and take me out to eat. She loved Greek diners. My mother loved a nice Greek diner. That makes sense. And she would just hang out there because they hated each other. Interesting. And she's taking you. You develop the sense. Because you are a big diner. You're a fine diner. Of all levels, though, I respect that. You'll eat the grimiest shit if it's good. Oh, yeah. But you'll eat the. We'll go high. What does Michelle Obama says when they go high? We go low. Yeah.

That's where I feel a little bit. Sure, I get that. But no, it's that song, Brendan Eddy from Billy Joel, but it's really not like, it's such a sanitized version of it where he's like, they got an apartment with a couple of paintings from Sears. They didn't account for the tears. It's like, hey, Billy, why don't you go into that? Because it's really like, she's a schizophrenic and he's a lazy guy who's never put the work into his music. The son's gay and on cocaine and supports the Iraq war.

You know, it's like, you know, that's the secret. Yeah, that's weird. Do you ever what's do you worry about the schizophrenia stuff? How talk to doctors? They're like, no, they go. It's usually really becomes obvious when you're younger. You know, it's not hereditary, usually in the sense that you would get it later in life. Sure. You usually get it. I'm going to tell you right now, looking at you with no context.

But by the way, a guy who looks like this and his job is talking by himself into a microphone for hours. I would not be worried about it. I've created a life where schizophrenia increases this. It's actually better. It's actually better. Imagine four hours of me on Joe Rogan with schizophrenia where I'm just like, and then I spoke, and then, Joe, a guy showed up at my house.

And he wanted to take me to a secret installation. And Joe would go, how do you think you knew where you lived, man? What are you thinking? It's interesting, man. What's going to happen? So, you know. That is true. You have figured that out. I have to give you credit. You would be. No, it's not like I'm a team leader at a bank. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. You know? It would be at least one year before you had to stop doing your job in full bloom. Oh, how would they even diagnose you? Yeah, yeah. But no, I don't, I think that I will, I think of the health things to worry about. Sure. As my doctors repeatedly told me, that's not even in the top 10. Yeah.

He's like, there are severe things you should actually be thinking about. I actually just went to the doctor. And he was like, yeah, I mean, your brain is the only healthy thing. He was like, yeah, I did like a full body scan, you know. Yeah, the thing. I got my fucking back's fucked up apparently. I got fucking, you know, just a little bit of pre. They're like, you got to get your fucking just a little. Your lipids are a little high, all that shit. For sure. Everything is pre-dermabrasion.

Pre-heart disease, pre-diabetes. How far is that pre, man? Well, you know what it is? I blame...

The government for putting the poison in the food? You're actually right about that. I mean, you know. It is funny that America does get the shittiest food. Like, go anywhere else, the food is better. You can eat bread and pasta in Europe and the UK without problems. Even Canada gets better food than us. Everybody. It's right fucking there. Everybody. Yeah. It is hilarious how much, and that goes back to...

Secret rich guys who never wanted to... The guys who put the poison in our food, we don't know their names. That's right. Because they... And they're more powerful than the CIA. Yeah. People are like, what do you think this administration... Because every administration goes in, they go, we're going to do X, Y, and Z, and they get maybe half of that. Right, right. I go, Trump and those guys want to clean out the intelligence community. They're not going to be able to do that fully. They won't. But you know who will really... I think after four years...

RFK will maybe get a warning label on the Uncrustable. That's like as far as that's going to go. Keep your fucking trembling hands off the fucking Uncrustable, you prick. I'm coming for you, motherfucker. If you think the Pentagon has power, Nestle has more. They have more. They weirdly have more power. Yes, that time, an old friend, Blue Chew,

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for sponsoring the podcast. Did you have a favorite snack as a fat child? Was there like a go-to? Was there like a... Yeah, well, number one, I loved a Yankee Doodle because it came in a package of three. Sure, sure, sure. Yankee Doodles were great. Yodels were two, Ho-Hos were two. Yankee Doodle gave you the third little cupcake. So a Yankee Doodle as a child was nice. A frozen Yodel was...

can change the game. Wow. I haven't even considered popping a yodel in the freezer. A frozen yodel. Love that. In my high school and then my middle school, whatever it was, primary school, middle school, and high school. Cafeteria, a frozen yodel. Love that. Will do it. Will do a nice thing. Love that. And now, because you've become such a gourmand, is there...

By the way, what a horrible thing to call someone. It's worse than just saying the word. No, that's good. That's positive. Yeah, but it's just such a leak. Yeah, it sounds fat, but it just means you appreciate fine food. I just imagine me sitting there and talking to my doctor, going, no, no, no, you don't understand. I'm a gourmet. He goes, no, you're dying. No.

Like a minute ago, McCormand. McCormand. McCormand. Do you have a real... Like a real...

What's a one bite thing? What's just like the best thing you've had in the last like a meal you think about? This is just fat guys talking. Yeah, you know, like, you know, we're just talking about, you know, because for me, it's just like I'm a simple guy. I'm a steak guy. And I had some actual Wagyu that just like I went to a steakhouse and I went to Major Domo. It was just like.

Just a little morsel Of fatty stuff And then the same thing With like I love fatty What can I say Right I love Wagyu And then I love like I went to a Higher end Sushi place And just The fucking fatty tuna There One of the things When I'm in New York City There's a clam bar And sheeps at Bakehold Randazzo's clam bar Love that They have the best red sauce In the world And just A bite

A bite of fried calamari smothered in red sauce. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Oh, a fresh calamari, dude. To me, it's very hard to beat. Yeah. And... I love that. That's a great answer. I have a birthday party tonight at the stand. I mean, there's part of me that when I just said that thinks, why don't I just not go to it? And just go eat calamari alone in the bowels of Brooklyn. You would have a better time. That's...

Without even, without, without, you know what the best time to go to that clam bar is in the winter. It's snowy. There's no one there. And you just have some Zupa, the clams. I love this. And you have some fried Kalama there and you just watch Russian people discuss things. Yeah. That sounds great. Native tongue. I love that. Great answer. Well, look, we had to get a couple. Now my, now I'm hungry. Now I'm not going to give a fuck about the rest of this podcast. Uh,

We got to give some fucking advice to the people, Tim. And then anything you want to plug here in the middle of the episode? I have a podcast, and then I have stand-up, dates on the web, whatever. TimDillon.com, whatever the fuck it is. TimDillonComedy.com. TimDillonComedy.com. Tesla.org. Actually, everything. WhiteHouse.gov. Slash WhiteHouse.gov. They just took down the Constitution. They're putting up my dates.

They just took down the Constitution, putting me and Theo Vaughn's dates, and going to WhiteHouse.gov. So if you just want to purchase tickets to the show. Yeah, you can get a tax credit if you go see Tim. It's all right. You can write it all off. You can write a Patreon subscription to Five Guys off. Go ahead, Elders. What do we got here? Hey there, Scott. Long time no see.

Hey there, Scott. Long time listener, first time caller, and a team guest. So I have a little bit of an issue. Not really an issue, but whatever. So recently my wife and I took a trip and used my sister's car to...

go on said trip. And we went through like a couple tolls or whatever and racked up, you know, a couple dollars in fines, you know, tolls or stupid whatever. Sure. But what happened was the tolls got sent to my sister's previous address. Okay. And racked up like an insane amount of like fees and stuff, like late fees.

And what was supposed to be like a $4 or $5 fee ended up being like a $70 to $80 fee. And so my sister goes to like, you know, renew her car or whatever. And she can't because there's these outstanding fines that she has to pay.

And she like called me and was like, Hey, just so you know, you owe me $75. Right. So just get that to me whenever. And my sister is way better off. So I'm like,

There's no pickle. You know what's so funny? Let you know. He goes like this. He goes, what am I supposed to do? So the choices are pay her $75 or stop speaking your sister?

What are the choices here? Also, you're so fully in the wrong. Like, there's no question here. There's no argument. There's no, like, you say you're hard up for money. Okay, so it's 75 bucks. What if you totaled her car and you're like,

And you owed her thousands of dollars. Yeah. She's supposed to just buy a new car and be like, no big deal. It wasn't your fault. Like, if you get a ticket, if you get a ticket, your car gets towed. That's 300 bucks. You still did it. You still owe it to her. If you do something bad to someone, you have to make it up. I mean, there's no. I borrowed my roommate during COVID, Becky Robinson, very funny comedian. I borrowed her Infinity and I drove it to Nobu Malibu.

And they would give you sushi and you'd eat it in a parking lot. It wasn't open. So I would just get to-go sushi and eat it in a parking lot by myself. And then pulling into the spot, I fucked up her car. And I was like... And I did the right thing. Obviously, I paid for it or whatever. Because when you borrow someone's car, this is a rule, I think. No, no, this is great. When you borrow someone's car...

for any reason, no matter what happens, even if you get hit, if something happens, you're responsible. Fully, 100%. This happened to me. Actually, and maybe you're over here saying these two fat, rich cocksuckers, they don't know what it's like. This happened to me when I first moved to Queens. In fact, I had a little more of a case because I moved a car for a friend. That's right. They asked me to. I didn't see that I parked...

in a place for a ticket i was like i'm doing you like but even though i was doing them a favor when you agree to do something yeah yeah i should have looked at the fucking signs and i was out 150 bucks when i was fucking you whatever you're broke i had just moved to new york i had no job i was living off my like i had a fixed thousand dollars left you gotta do or i like whatever

And I had to do it, man. You just, like, you, she, A, lent you her car. That, she saved you money. Like, what do you think a rental car costs? My favorite line in this whole thing. My favorite line. Yeah. In this whole thing, right? Okay. He goes, so I'm, like, in a little bit of a pickle trying to figure out, so you're describing potentially cutting your sister off.

I say a little bit of a pickle. He's like, I'm a little bit of a pickle. He's like, do I give her $75 or do I just block her? Yeah. And never speak to her again. And by the way, I'm sorry, you were doing what? You were going on vacation with her car? Yeah. So you can't come up with $75, but you came up with what?

500 bucks to go to fucking Myrtle Beach or whatever. We racked up a couple of tolls or whatever. My wife and I took a trip. Between you and your wife, you can't come up with... And look, again, we've both... Everybody on this podcast has been poor as fuck. That's right. And you can come up with $75 fucking dollars, dude. Especially, it's like you did it. There is no argument that...

And you could, by the way, you could have paid cash. Can I, just before we move on, let me do one counterpoint. Oh, please, please, please. Let me just do a counterpoint. Let me do a counterpoint. Yeah, absolutely. Because I feel like, let's just do a counterpoint. Let me get in his head for a moment. Yes, yes. Let me get in his head for a moment. Please, please, please. Is there anything she's done to you that you could, in the past, that you could justify not paying this bitch back? Does she owe you her car? No.

Does she owe you her car? Is there something you can dig deep enough? Is there something you can bring up? Is there something you can bring up? I'm Irish. Go back. Dig. Dig it up. Bring it up. Is there something that will definitely go over well? Yeah. Like, can you imagine? Here's the other hilarious thing. Think about this being in your family. Like, I have two brothers. If one of my brothers was like, well, you know, I...

but I don't have 75. Yeah, I took the thing. And he's complaining. He's like, can you believe he wants me to pay for it? Yeah. He has a job. I don't. It's like, I'd be like, what the fuck are you talking about? You could call her and say, listen, I'm really sorry this happened. I just don't have $75 right now. And then her response will be, but you just went on a vacation. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Dude, you have to. I mean, there's no... You have no... What even is your argument? I am not sure. That you don't have the money? You do. This wasn't like, you know, I needed to get to a job interview. I do kind of like this guy a little bit, though. I like that level of entitlement. Yeah, it's selfish. This is the Irish selfishness you're discussing here. Even as I'm shitting on him, there's part of me that goes, you know what? Like...

Yeah, he's wrong. This is a problem only he created that affects someone else. Yeah. And he thinks he shouldn't have to deal with it. That's right. It's insane, dude. You're so in the wrong. It's not. There is no. Pay the woman. It's crazy. $75 fucking dollars. I mean, you got to take. Anyway, go ahead. Fuck this guy. Oh, what the fuck?

Oh shit. Oh no. You know what it's time to do? Oh Tim, it's time to... it's time to... Mm-hmm. Oh, Tim, where'd you go?

Welcome to the Twisted Zone. We're so twisted. We took an Irish guy and we turned him less fat and straight. But I'm still a piece of shit. Let's edit some shit where I have like lightning powers and I'm turning Tim into JP. By the power of the Twisted, by the power of the motherfucking ass Twisted question of the week, I turn Tim into...

J.P. McDade. Let's go. Holy shit. Stop using his conversion therapy beams to turn me normal. We're keeping it twisted here, folks. We are back. It's time. We had to let you know. It's time to keep it twisted. And we're doing that right now. Tim keeps it too twisted.

He keeps it too twisted. We couldn't even allow him to be on this. He's a guy who keeps it way too motherfucking twisted sometimes. And we said, Tim, get out. I'm bringing JP in to keep it twisted. It's a twist on a twist. It's a twist on a twist. And Eldis, I believe you have this week's twisted ass motherfucking question of the week ready to go. We have a twisted ass question. Let's jump right in here. Let's do it. Dabi, long time washer, first time caller. Thank you, bro.

So I matched with this girl on Hinge, and I was trying to get a second opinion from my buddy to see if maybe I should pursue her or not. I don't know. Well, long story short, I take a couple screenshots, and I mean to send them to my friend who I'm on the call with, but it accidentally gets sent into my work group chat. Oh, no. So everyone I work with,

Everyone? I don't know what to do with it. About this, what would be your advice? I'll just keep it short and sweet. What would you do? Keep it twisted. I would keep it twisted. I would be like, what do you think, boys? Should I slam this piece? Follow through. What do you think, boss? Marsha? Marsha, I have so much respect for you as a corporate leader. I wanted to ask you, should I hit these skins?

Should I dog this bitch out the way I dogged out our fourth quarter earnings report, Marsha? I would have told you to do this. I would have told you to send potential smashes to the work slack. Put it in slack. Put it in the fucking work slack. Keep it twisted. What you should have done, look, here's what you do. You take the whole office, you know,

Happy hour. You get everybody around the ice cold, delicious, twisted teas. Keep it twisted. You keep it twisted. You know, maybe you get the game day pack and you sit in the parking lot. You crack it open. You have a peach. You have an original. You have a half and half. You have a raspberry. I'm a peach guy. You know I like to keep it twisted, peach style. And you talk. Okay, in all seriousness...

Which you should have a twisted tea with them. But this has already happened. It's over. The toothpaste is out of the fucking tube. What you should have done, first of all, if you're calling in,

It's already too late. What you do there is you immediately unsend if you can. And if you can't, you say, sorry, wrong. Oh, I'm really sorry. Wrong. Wrong screenshot. You know, I sent this to the wrong group chat or, you know what? I mean, you are you honestly there's nothing you can do. You have to. I mean, you just made it. The amount of embarrassment you feel is entirely up to you. Totally. That's a good point. You decide.

Well, that's what I mean. It's like it happened. Everyone knows what happened. So the sooner you deal with something like that, it's like if you're at, you know, let's say you're at a happy hour, you're having an ice cold twisted tea and you shit your pants...

And you just sit in your shit for a fucking hour or two and then leave and pretend nothing happened. It's weird. If you shit your pants, they even, they hear the fart. You take a long time in the bathroom and you, uh, you come back wearing the gym shorts you had in your backpack and

They know what happened. And you're going to be like, all right, guys, take it. I'll see you later. So everyone knows what this is. So I say you... You put shout on the jukebox. You get everyone up on the dance floor. Come on, gang. Yeah. And you back out. Oh, oh, oh. That's a good... That's what you do. That's a good... So you could... So everyone's seen it, right? Now...

Let's get the silver lining. Let's keep it twisted. Because this, after all, what is this if not the twisted-ass motherfucking question of the damn fucking freaking week, right? Still working on the name. Yes, it's out there. Silver lining. Some of the people, there's probably people that you were like kind on the verge of being bros with.

that you can now turn them into full-fledged bros. And that's, by the way, that's not gendered. Women or, like, everyone saw it. If anybody kind of busted your balls or if anybody felt comfortable enough with you to even, like, bring it up or the people that you bring it up with, like, if you have your people, your friends with them, you'd be like, oh, I'm embarrassed. See how they do it. If they kind of bust your balls back, you'd be like,

So what do you think? You know what I mean? Like, now you've turned and embarrassed. And look, you've embarrassed. You've notched it up to another level of connection with your coworkers. Totally. You've embarrassed yourself in front of a handful of them, right? They think you're the dumb pig that you are, right? Yeah. That's fine. Those people were never really going to be your friends. And by the way, you can still be friends with them in other ways. You can have performance-based friendships. You know what I mean? Or you can have lunch friendships, whatever. But I bet you...

A lot of people, and not just young dudes your age, like, they were... When I worked at an office, dude, like, the coolest, most ball-buster-y people were older women who actually wanted to hear about you getting pussy. They were fucking cool. Like, my group, when I worked as a paralegal, was, like, this awesome, just, like... She was just, like... She was the lady who did all the work. She was just, like, you know...

In my head, I'm like this older black lady. She was 100% how old I am now or like around my age. She was probably late 30s, older, you know, 40s, whatever. But I was 22 at the time. And then a woman who was like in her 50s, just older black lesbian who kept it high and tight fade, like just bust your balls. I had one of those. She was the one who, she told me. There's a co-worker. There's a commercial. There's like some Super Bowl commercial where there's a giant baby. Do you remember that year? Yeah.

Or just... And she was like, you know who you look like? The baby from the commercial. It's like... That's just... You just... Twisted. It's not... That's not a celebrity. That's a fat, huge CGI baby. Anyway, she was awesome. But even... We had a white trash girl in there who loved gossip. Like...

I actually... And, you know, of course, I had a couple bros. I worked at a law firm, had a couple lawyer bros that I, you know, that I would kind of chop it up with. Dude, gossip is the lifeblood of the office. As someone who's been on both sides of this type of incident in the workplace, I could tell you, it just... All it does is create energy. Right, yes, yes. And people are closer with you after that. By keeping it twisted, you have...

put twisted energy into the workspace and that's a powerful, powerful tornado. Keep it twisted. You got it. You kept it twisted. Don't stop now. Don't half measure. Don't try and untwist in the middle. You'll end up fucking spraining your elbows and shit, you know? You'll get your foot stuck in the mud and tear your ACL. Keep it twisted. Send it. Keep keeping it twisted.

All the way around. Make all those rotations. Bro out with some of these people over this hinge match. I think this will permanently mark his work identity at this office. You'll always be the dumbass that sent the hinge screenshot to the group chat, but...

You do sound like very stupid and very young. You sound stupid and young, yes. Where it's like a funny, it's not like, you know, you're like a 47-year-old, you're a 47-year-old like married boss who accidentally sent a hidden screenshot. Right, which also has happened in works. Like old guys get caught cheating by attaching a picture of tits to like,

instead of a PDF. That's not what happened. You made a young, cute, idiot mistake. And you kind of, when you're that dumb, and this guy's kind of, he's like, I'm actually 37 years old. But like, I'm a senior vice president at JPMorgan Chase. But like, whatever, this is, that's what people are expecting from you. And you know what? You kept it twisted. Keep keeping it twisted. And, and, and when you find those bros in the office, uh,

that, you know, want to tell you, want to give you advice about if you should smash or not, pay the favor, treat them to an ice-cold twisted tea. And don't forget... Keep it twisted. That's right. Your fucking instincts for that are fucking awesome, dude. All right, well... Whoa, what the hell? Holy shit. That's the Twisted Ass Motherfucking Question of the Week. Don't forget... Keep it twisted.

Oh shit! Yo what's up Cyrus? I got a particularly difficult question. I study brain cancer, the worst type of cancer that should the kids. Killed you in 1-2 years. There's no levity to the situation and I have had no family members die of this particular cancer within recent memory or in my fucking timeline so I have no connection to this and every time I go and talk to a conference

or talk to a group of donors or a group of people who are interested in my research, people always bring up like, oh, my dad, my grandpa, my whatever, died, and I have no connection to this shit. And it is the hardest conversation to have, and I just do not know how to get through it in a way that makes me feel safe.

sensitive person as well as a person that legitimately cares about the research that I'm doing, which I do, but more from the perspective of the fact that I find this shit interesting from a scientific perspective, which is not what any of these people want to hear. They want to hear I'm doing this because I'm trying to cure brain cancer, an unrealistic

but a goal that I am legitimately working towards. So how can I bridge this gap and comfortably talk to these people and say, oh, I'm so sorry for that shit without sounding like somebody who doesn't know what they're talking about, which is exactly who I am. Thank you. I think you're the perfect person to answer this question, and I hope to hear this answer on a, you know, not private episode. Thank you.

Love you, Scotty. I mean, just does not understand empathy at all. This is fucking hilarious. I would lie, say you had it and cured yourself. I mean, that's the funny thing is like, what is the dilemma here? What is the question? The question is, I want to talk to these people, even though no one in my family has died of this. Well, listen, there are lots of people who have not suffered from things that choose to work in those fields that are very difficult. And...

I think if you did some...

patient outreach and because you're on the research end you might feel disconnected from it well this again goes back to the tech guy argument too yes these are the people we're talking about he doesn't even understand yeah the basic social lubricant of like yeah i'm so sorry and talk to families dude talk to people who've been affected and then when you talk to those people that becomes a part of you and i think you'll be able to communicate that experience i mean i don't even sound crazy no i think i think you're even saying more than he needs to do right because

All he has to do is say, like, he does talk to those people. He's saying he's uncomfortable talking to them because they want... But he's not coming at it from your perspective. I'm trying to learn from them. He's like, I just want to tell them, but I think it's interesting. And it's like, well, dude... No, you can't do that. You can't do that. If you work in the position... This is the field, yeah. If you work in the world of grief and stuff like that, I think you have to understand that obviously there's a scientific...

of your job. That's the heavier portion. Like more of your job is scientific because it's research. But then there's a portion of it that does involve like humanity and being a human being and talking about loss and all that stuff. Yeah. And like, dude, he says it's unrealistic to cure cancer. It's like, don't say that. Don't say that. You fucking idiot. Who cares? This is what I would do. Ready? I'm him. I get up there. What does he do? He speaks at the conference, right? He go, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I had this cancer. And I cured myself. It's mental. It's in your head. Watch Jordan Peterson. If you make your bed every morning, the cancer will go away. You control your own destiny. Okay? You got to get out of this dimension. I live in another dimension. I'm on a 5D timeline, you idiots.

But yeah, I mean, truly, I don't get what is vexing you right now, the guy who's calling in. Just understand that, yeah, the thing you think is cool, what goes with it is occasionally talking to people that have been affected by it. So just tell them what they want to hear. Get in and out of that conversation and just say, I find this very, you know, I'm working to cure...

I'm working to cure this. I want to be able to make progress on this. And that's why I'm doing all this research. And one day, all my work... And you're saying it's unrealistic, but on some grand timeline, your work...

hopefully will lead to curing cancer or, you know, finding the ways to prevent it, whatever the fuck. Yeah. Just say that. Nobody gives a fuck. You fucking idiot. We're doing important work here. Yeah, I'm doing... Yeah, we're just... Thank you for coming. I know many of you have had a very difficult road ahead. And one day we hope to cure this painful disease. Yeah, it's a horrible disease. With this work...

Over time. That's it. Yeah, over time we're going to be able to do this. Have you ever lied about anything else? Yeah, I know it's tough out there, but part of why I do this work is because this is the most rewarding work in the world if we get it right. Just lie. What do you care? I mean, I just don't understand this question at all.

And keep being in the fucking, you know, this is just like, again, a guy with no empathy, no social skills. Like a little bit of lying is great social lubricant. Maybe stay in the lab. Maybe, you know, why are you talking? Why are you? Why are you? Fuck put you in on a front facing person here. Stay in the thing. Stay in the fucking lab. You need. Yeah. You need fluorescent lighting. You don't need to be out there, man. Yeah. You don't need a lapel. My sequencing. Yeah. All right. Fuck that guy.

Hey, what's up, Stavi? Love the show. Thanks for doing what you do. Okay, my friend, I'm in a bit of a pickle. So this is a long-winded story. I'm going to try and keep it short. Essentially, my mom fell on homelessness for like the third time, and she's been living with me in my 300-square-foot studio, like not having a job, being unemployed, not paying rent for the last four months, going on five months. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Yeah, so I'm just not really sure what to do about that. Her life is like pretty tragic. Like has had lots of unfortunate series of events. So she doesn't really have anyone in her life besides me. I'm lucky enough I'm able to stay at my partner's house most of the time. But like I am just like, how am I going to get my mom out of my house? She has no money. She's not really willing to get a job. She won't go on unemployment. I've had her apply for government housing. She won't go on unemployment?

And for what it's worth, she's 65 years old. So it's like, you know, I've been telling her like to go to the gas station or something, get a job at the gas station. Cause I live in a city. So she has lots of options to work, I think, but I know it gets harder as people age. They're not necessarily like vital person on the workforce. So I'm,

I'm just in a pickle, man. This is a true, this is an actual pickle. By the way, the other guy who said he was in a pickle, because he racked up $10 in fine. He racked up, and now he had to pay $65 more than he thought. That's not a pickle. This is a pickle.

There's a whole lot of other stuff that I could bring into this, but yeah, we've had a pretty tumultuous relationship too. She also has PTSD and paranoia, so there's definitely some mental health things going on. But yeah, anyway, love what you do. Thanks. Bye. I'll say this. As somebody whose mother was schizophrenic, I don't know what this person's mental health situation is. The real issue with someone that has a mental health

They never voluntarily seek help. Right. It is very, very hard and very difficult for someone that has mental issues. Now, again, I don't know. Yeah. But if they are paranoid and they're having issues, you know, there is a tough reality where these people

tend to be progressive and degenerative. Yeah. And they get worse if they're not adequately medicated. And even with medication, I'd watched my mother, you know, she passed away last year, but the last several years of her life were not great. It was tough because that's just the way it happens. The answer here, unfortunately, is,

You may at a certain point have to have her committed to a facility because she is not going to be able to live. She's going to need medication to just be able to be. Otherwise it could get worse. She might start being suspicious of you. It could get hard. And that's the thing.

physical illness is very, we understand that in the culture. Mental illness is really, there's no money behind it. We don't research it. There's no mental health care. We don't understand it. And I think that's why these things are painful and tough because I think it's somebody who's asking like, how do I deal with someone who seems to be having real severe mental issues? Yeah, yeah. And I think like,

You got that. I think, yeah, somewhere institution, whatever. Also, it's like you have done a lot here. Yeah. And at a certain point, I think if there's one thing I would say is like, can you maybe, you know, you've already said you've had her, you know, apply for government housing and she won't do unemployment, but it's like,

I mean, if anything, it's like, can you go to a social worker here? Like, I don't understand. Is there somebody who can help her that you don't have to basically try? You're essentially her social worker right now. It's so difficult. Here's the problem. Yeah. I mean, my aunt, not me. I was younger. My aunt went through all this. God, is it brutal. Yeah. Getting some, because they just...

You are, unfortunately, I will be very honest with you, you're going to have to do a lot of it. You're going to have to get Medicare to pay for it. You're going to have to go get a doctor to give her a diagnosis. You're going to have to get her into a facility. You're going to have to get that paid for. It is difficult. It is shitty. We have a terrible healthcare system, and it's very, very difficult to...

But the good news is at the end of that, she will be in a facility where she'll get a level of care that you cannot provide in your home. Right. Yeah. I mean, that's the thing here is that like you have to figure either that out. You have to go because right now you're going through a lot for maybe no outcome. But like you got to have I do. It does sound like you're headed that way. And can I just give one quick. Sure.

I want to give a counterpoint. Please, please, please, please, please. Kill her. Yep. Let her get her favorite snacks one day. Do you know how much I regret sometimes not taking my mother out for a deep dish pizza and blowing her head off?

My mother was so vicious and cruel to me. I walked into her room one day, she goes, if you lose weight, someone might give you money to fix your teeth. Wow. I don't even know what that means. But it's, they're so mean. Yeah. The thing about mental illness, when someone's dying of a physical illness, Yeah. you know, it's, but when they're, when mental illness, they're tough. They're tough. They were like,

We'd be like, Patty, want to get you help? She'd be like, fuck all of you. You've done nothing for me. It's hard, man. And my heart gets out to this person because I know what it is. This is very difficult. And I will say the other thing is,

You have to look, you're doing your best. You're doing what you know, you're doing your sort of familial obligations. I think another she says she's the only person your your mom has. And you I think following what Tim's saying and seeing if she can get somewhere like if government housing is not going to do it, if a facility is what it is, whatever, you have to make that effort. But also at a certain point, you also have to recognize that, especially since you say you have a tumultuous relationship, you

you know, this is one thing if there's like your perfect mom who helped you through everything, but if this is somebody who's been tough in your life and it's also, it can only affect your life so much, I guess is really what it comes down to, as sad as it is. At a certain point, you have to live your own life. And so I would say make a general effort to see if you can get this kind of assistance, you know, if living somewhere like some kind of facility is what it is, whatever. But after that,

you can't not have a house because your mom refuses to get a fucking job. Yeah. And that's very difficult and that's very painful, but you also have to kind of prepare yourself for that time where you're like, okay, well. You put her, you have to put her in a place where they can give her care and then you visit her and you do the right thing, but you cannot provide the care she needs. Yeah. You're one, you're one person. Yeah. Yeah. That is fucking nuts. It,

What do you go visit? What do you do? Is it like going to camp? Is it like finger painting? What are we talking about? No, you just really go talk to them. And they're in varying degrees. Sometimes what they like to do is they like to turn down the medicine.

So they like to save money and they like to turn down the medicine and then you'll go in and she'll be really crazy and really suspicious and paranoid and telling you all these crazy things and you'll go to the head nurse and then you gotta go to the administrator and I went and I threatened to sue them all. I'm like, you gotta give her the fucking medicine, you scum. And they're like, I said that, I go, you guys are scum, you know?

And the guy's like, he's like, well, and I said, I just used the word lawyer. As soon as you use the word lawyer, then they up the medicine. Because they're trying to cut the medicine, man. It fucking sucks. And the thing that's tough is you as a kid can't do anything. You can only try to make it easier for them to get care and put them in a situation where they can get it.

Listen, my mother had schizophrenia. I don't know what this woman has. Yeah. But my mother had schizophrenia. That's an incurable degenerative mental illness. Yeah. It doesn't get better. You can mitigate it. So you just got to live with it and try to do the best you can. Yeah. And same thing. It's like I help members of my family out, but I'm lucky to have the money to do it. And it also...

It is mostly money. Like, I don't have to, like, I check in, whatever. But it's like, you can help as much as you can, but you can't do more than that. You know what I mean? You can't do more than that. You can't overstretch yourself. You can't, like, you can't, like, be there constantly. And so you've already done a lot and, you know, give it a whirl, whatever. You've done a lot. Now it's time to do a lot less. Now it's time to take her out.

Give her some concrete slippers and take her to the fucking Tim's clam shop. Go get her. Get some fucking calamari and then throw her in Sheepshead Bay. Take her out on the boat. Do her like they did Big Pussy. That's right. On The Sopranos. Tommy, baby. LD. Yes.

Look, man, I'm in a predicament. Okay. My best friend, his wife cheated on him like, I don't know, four or five different times now. And every time that this happens, he comes to me, you know, I'm his shoulder to cry on. I'm there for him. I'm supporting him. I may have gotten a little overboard in the whole fuck that bitch parade. I don't know.

They keep making up and I don't really know how to become... Okay, my question is I don't really know how to become friends with her again after all the bullshit she's put my friend through. I guess I'm just really looking for some advice. Do I keep this woman at a distance? Do I try to

Make up with her for my friend's sake. I feel like it's driving a wedge between my friend and I. I'd appreciate any advice you have on it. Thanks, buddy. Bye. That's a really impressive, like,

Move on her part Is not only Has she cucked this guy Five times But she's isolated him From his friends It's like That's very impressive Again it's one of those Where you go I don't know the question I wouldn't have a relationship With this woman at all Yeah And you know You serve a purpose In this guy's life Right You Like If they Cause the thing people say about You know Infidelity whatever Is that like

If you decide to try and fix it, you have to let it go, right? The people have to let it go. They have to have that relationship. They have to build on it. But the friends don't have to let it go. The friend is there to remind you and to be there to your support system. It's like you got to be there if she cheats. Because what happens if she cheats again? Like this woman has to slowly gain back your trust and

But right now, yeah, like, I don't want anything to do with anybody who cheated on one of my friends. I think if you cheat on somebody five times... And I mean, this is just a guess...

You might not stop. Five times, yeah. Five times. You might not stop. Yeah, it's not... Shame on you. I don't think she's going to stop. In fact, I bet she's still doing it. Yeah, you're probably right. Yeah, so, like, I don't even know. I think you just got to, you know... Yeah, I mean, what is... Obviously, you don't want to be friends with him, but what's your advice to your friend? Like, he gets back to her, you're like, dude, I think this is a fucking bad idea. Exactly. It's like, it's five times, it's going to happen again. You can draw a line in the sand, and then you can be like, hey...

I want to hang out with you. You're my boy, but don't bring this fucking bitch. I think it's a mistake for you to be in this relationship. You have to do one or the other. You have to either draw that line and say, she's going to be, you think she's, you think she's done sucking strange cock? It's,

She's not stopping at five, pal. And by the way, five is what she's admitted to. Are you mentally ill? Are you insane? He caught her with five. Five is what she's willing to come to the table with. She's like, all right, he's not going to buy two. I can't tell him eight is a little much to admit to. It's 14. Right.

All right, I'll land on five. Oh, my God. So, yeah, just say, look, dude, this is a fucking mistake. You shouldn't get back with her. I don't want to be involved in this, but you're my boy. I will always support you. Let's hang out, but I don't want anything to do with her. That's how you fucking handle it. And then if he does cut you out, then whatever. Fuck him. Let him get cucked for the rest of his life. I'm just trying to think of friends of mine that this would happen to. But, you know, not a lot of cucks in my circle.

Cowards, not cucks, though. It's also on the friend after a certain time because it's like, hey, man, you're back the 10th time that she cheated on you. Like, what are we doing here? I don't even have, like, anything else to say to you right now. That's true. I definitely have had conversations with friends where I'm like, you know how it's not even cuck, but it's like just like they complain about their job every time or even a relationship. Right. Let's say it's not even getting cucked. It's just like they complain about the same shit over and over again. You're like.

You know this is a problem. I'm tired of hearing about it. Don't fucking tell me. Quit or shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear about your job. So it's like, you know. Sometimes it's tough love. Yeah. And you should have sex with his wife. You should fuck his wife. I mean, at this point, I think that's the only thing. See what all the fuss is about. Right. How good is the pussy? The only way you know if it's worth him going back is if you get a little Costco sample of the pussy.

Shabby baby, Elvis, revered guest. I'm really hoping you can help me out with this one. It's a little raunchy. Raunchy. I am a barber at a barber shop. And I work with almost solely women, clearly cutting men's hair. Now, there is one female in particular who I like as a person but cannot be.

and cannot by any stretch of the imagination handle her smell. Her smell? It's clearly a hygiene issue. It's to the extent that we have a single person restroom and I cannot under any circumstance no matter how bad I have to pee can follow her in there. It is awful.

And again, we're barbers. We are right up on our clients more often than not touching and cutting and doing beard trims. And it's not just her body odor as much as it's also her mouth, her breath. She's just been foul smelling. And there is such a fine line between being offensive and trying to help a girl out, girl to girl. But this is...

And she's a heavier girl. So I'm trying really hard to find a way to bring this up to her. This is tough. That's my problem. I'm not the only one. And I hate being a part of the gossip around. But at what point does one of us bring it up? And how would you do it? Help me. Is there a value to an anonymous note?

No, seriously. Here's what you do. Ready? You do a company dunk tank. And he fixes it so she's the one who has to... You fill it with dove soap. Right. With the soap they used to clean little ducks after an oil spill. That's right. You fucking coat this fat, smelly bitch in that shit. And you fucking hit her with this. And you dunk her over and over again. You get a nice froth going. Can you frame her for stealing that?

So they fire her? Is there a way to frame her? Like hide money? Hang on, someone's... They open her pocketbook, it's her. They go, get this fat bitch out of here. Oh, this money smells like shit. She must have been hiding under her fat tits.

that bitch is a thief you pointed her and you say that that fat bitch is a thief and then she's kicked out there's no good way to do it there's no good way to do it this is a tough dude imagine the high stakes game of rock paper scissors happening in the lounge of this barber shop about who has to tell her look there's no good way to tell her but i mean honestly who's the supervisor

This is bordering into... This is a job for the supervisor. This is like... Because it's... Especially if it's a... If it's a... But it's nobody else complaining or her client's not complaining. It's nobody else. Yeah, the freaks that want her. Like, I'll take her. I want her. Yeah, they're like... She can take a walk around. She can take a brisk walk around. Spray her down. Yeah, I mean, I do actually think this... Whoever is the boss here... Because it is...

If I'm going to a barbershop and someone smells like shit. I mean, because it is honestly professionalism to some degree. And it's like, like if you, I think about like growing up in city schools and there being like a poor kid that came in smelling like shit. Yeah. And it would be like the teacher would have a discussion with him and then his family to like fix it. It's like hygiene is such a basic human thing. Something is happening where this girl, there's a disconnect. Right.

And you'll meet, listen, we're of the plus size community. We have brothers and sisters in the community that for whatever, maybe it's because the smell is coming from somewhere so far from their nose. They can't bring it up when they have so much mass. But I just had to go buy a suit at,

at a plus size store. Sure. And there was a gentleman in there also shopping. That's right. Boy, oh boy, did my man smell musty. And yes, he was fat as shit. And that's also a fear. I don't know about you. That was always a fear of me growing up. You don't want to be the smelly fat guy. No, but I think it's so easy to avoid. By bathing. And we're comics, so a lot of our skinny friends smell like shit. That's true. Yeah, yeah, that is true. We also are friends with very filthy thin people. Sure. And in fact, before she said... Some of the skinniest people are...

Disgusting smelling, sure. Before she said she's a bigger girl, I was kind of thinking like kind of crust punk, meth-y barber. So here's what I would say. Frame her for stealing. Ha ha ha!

Get her fired. Hide something in her purse or something. Or don't even have the framer. Leave a delicious tiramisu in the refrigerator. It'll only be a matter of time until she takes a bite. But there's no good way to tell someone they're gross. It's hard. Yeah, yeah. There is no good way. Tough one, though. Yeah, I say leave that up to the boss. Draw straws, whatever. And if you have to have the conversation, just be like, hey...

I mean, yeah, there's no... You're like, you got a rotten puss, you fat bitch. It's rotted. You don't smell that rotted gash. Something's wrong with you. You've got bacteria. There's problems. Fuck, yeah. Just, we're going to want... You got to shower before you get... I don't even know what you fucking say, but yeah, I would leave this to the boss. And if you're the boss, you just have to be like, hey...

We've had a couple complaints. You know, we've had a little complaint. Everything okay. Like, there's some minor hygiene stuff, but it is kind of, you know, we're a certain. You literally get to it as like, we provide a service. This is a service industry, and it's like, you got to smell fresher. You're coming. There's a little. There is a little. You can even. You just got to say there's a little body odor. You got to say to her, you got to go, listen, we know you're a big fat hog.

fine are you getting under all the creases it's fine you're a big fat hog we get it we hired you knowing that it's not a surprise we like that about you it's fun to have a fat somebody fat in the mix you're warming us yeah but yeah i don't know this is a tough one damn thank god thank god i don't have the fat smelly guy's a tough guy you felt so i felt so bad for them and they were musty like it smelled like there was like mold growing on their titty flaps or something

Hey, Savvy Baby and esteemed guest, Aldous. So, I don't know if that is advice or why I'm really calling other than to not go crazy, but my husband and I have been together for 15 years and married for 10. And this motherfucker put me fucking his dick.

On a porn website. What? And I got like a bad feeling and I'm not like, I'm a cool chick. Like I'm a good wife, like all the things. That's crazy. And it fucking went way deeper than just that. And I'm just going to leave that there. And your imagination can go where it wants. What do you mean you're going to leave it there? We have a seven and a half year old son. And I'm about to be 38.

I just don't know how I'm ever going to trust anyone again. Yeah, this is tough. And I know it's possible. And yeah, did I do a therapy thing and all that shit? I'm just like so fucked up from this. Yeah. And like, I don't want to date. And I know it's like eventually I will, but I just, what is that? Like, is there...

Are there people out there for like a 38 year old mom? First of all, unfortunately, I'm sure you racked up some views. So, you know, there are people that are interested in you on some level. So there is that. That's bad. It's not. We're not happy. But it's like people. This is a problem because it was seen right. Like.

Yes. This is like you are, you know, it's not your desirability has nothing to do here. There are definitely people out there who are into you, who you can find. This is about you because this was an insane betrayal of like the person you have a fucking child with. It's actually illegal.

It's literally illegal. It's a crime. Like, your husband committed a sex crime against you. Yeah. Of course this is going to fuck you up. So anyway, let's finish. Let's hear her out completely. I don't know. I'm sure there is. But it's just, I'm feeling super discouraged. Just about the humanity, basically. Sure. But I'm a down-ass bitch. I'm fucking awesome. Sounds cool. So I know that. Like, big football fan.

I'm a lunch lady. Hell yeah. Can't get any cooler than that. Smoke weed. All the stuff that like... I'm getting hard right now. I like do the bro thing. Listen to Stobby. Work. All the things. And so, I don't know. Anyway, give me some advice. Or just tell me that it's going to be okay. Anyway, can't wait for you to come to Eugene. I'll be there. Bye. All right. See you there. But yeah, this goes back to what we were saying. It's like...

It will be okay. You are clearly cool. You will find somebody when you're ready to. But you are dealing with a... I mean, this is next level traumatic. This is next level. You have a kid with some... Like, it's not just you're married. Why would you put the mother of your child on a porn website? It's like... It's a crime. It's a crime. And not only that, it's just an insane...

Exactly. Or is he trying to help her? Yeah. He sees what's going on with OnlyFans. The economy... Yeah. Just to make a broader point about interest rates. Sure, sure, sure.

No, but I mean, I think this is really fucked up. In all seriousness, I think you should get out of there. I don't think, I mean, I hate to say it, but I don't think like a guy who would do that is so reckless. For sure. Who has a son with you. That's a no brainer. It's a no brainer. You gotta run. You gotta be, and by the way, feel like you don't want to date, feel like all this stuff, totally natural. When you decide to come back around and date, whatever, you gotta be like,

You'll be ready. There'll be people there for you. But look, truly take your time. You also have a kid. You can focus on... Go down to Portland. Go down to Hat Yai. Get some shallot fried chicken, a little Indian curry. It's great down there in Portland. It's a good eating town, good hanging out town. Just take a second. Of course you feel discouraged. You had a horrific...

horrific thing happen to you that is going to destabilize your trust but right now you're in like the aftermath of it don't give yourself any timeline don't

Start dating before you feel ready. You have a full life. You have a kid. You have, you know, you have, you know, you got to fucking get some fucking sloppy Joes going. You got, you got shit to worry about. Worry about yourself. Rebuild. We talk about it all the time. It's funny because a woman who's like been this devastated by a truly horrific betrayal, it's almost like the same advice we give incels, which is like,

Take your time, improve upon yourself, get your self-esteem up, work on yourself, you know, do stuff that makes you feel empowered. Well, when she said, I'm going to leave it there and it goes much deeper than that, it tells me that she needs to run from away. For sure. And she needs to spend some time processing what the hell just happened. 100%. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. And she said it. She's going through there, but she's doing all this shit. So we're just here to reassure you. You're doing all the right stuff.

Don't rush anything. You got a cool kid to worry about. You definitely don't want it. Look, he's got one of two role models to choose from. You definitely want to be the one that he gravitates towards. She's got a cool job. She's clearly like probably an amazing mom. All of this stuff. I think you're going to find a guy that's going to be a totally different speed.

Especially in Portland. You don't think you can find someone who wants to be a stepfather in Portland? Yeah. In Oregon? Come on. You're going to get somebody, and they're going to be a lot better. I bet in a few years from now, you look back at this, and you see it was a weird blessing in disguise because now you've found someone a lot better. Yes, absolutely. In the long run, that is true because either that or you're just like with a secret sociopath the rest of your life. Right. And that person's name is Elon Musk. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

So congratulations. You're going to be the richest and most famous woman in the world. Yeah, he's got to have a couple more. He only has fucking 10 kids. I love rich people who just literally behave...

It's like, it's just like trailer park. Yeah. It's trailer park shit. It's like, you know what? Like stuffy people make fun of, uh, trash for doing. It's like, that's how the richest people just, they not wherever they please. That's so funny. Um, step into the world of power, loyalty,

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What do you got, something nice for us to go out on here? I saw one that I really liked earlier. Okay. And there was something about a gay guy who doesn't want to break up with the other gay guy because... Play that one, Elvis. Can we play this one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, Elvis, and esteemed guest. I got a problem. I'm gay. Yes. And I'm in a relationship.

And we just aren't a match. And I need to know how do I break up with this dude? Like, we're both in recovery and I know when I break up with him, he's going to relapse. So how do I do this in a way that he doesn't relapse? You know, like we just don't, I don't know. We're just not a match. Like,

You know, comedy is really big, sense of humor is really big in my life, and he just doesn't get my sense of humor. You know, whenever I try to play with him or do funny jokes, he just is like a deer in headlights and just doesn't get it. Or is he withdrawing from pills? I gotta get him to the curb. I don't know what else to do, but I'm afraid that he's gonna do something dumb when I break up with him. So how do I do this and not fuck this dude's life up? So any advice would be great.

This poor guy's withdrawing, like you said. And this guy's doing a borscht spell. Yeah, he's got a fine-dance slide whistle. He's thinking about the disgusting things he used to do for crack. And this guy's like, hello, my baby. Hello, my darling. It's just so funny to me because I love, like, the best thing in the world is, like, listen, obviously, I'm sober 14 years. You're responsible for your own life. But...

There is something funny to break up with somebody who goes, now listen, I know you're going to kill yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know you're going to relapse and kill yourself. 100%. Because I'm the only reason keeping you. I'm the best, baby. I'm the only thing keeping you from sucking dick for crap. Yeah, yeah. Maybe you and your whoopee cushions aren't that necessary in his life. Maybe he's going to relapse because you keep clowning around the house. Yeah.

You're doing mime activity. The guy's on Suboxone. He's just trying to get cereal down his throat and go to a job interview. And you keep doing fucking like some weird vaudevillian act. Yeah, dude. That's the thing. Don't worry. Look, ultimately you can't

This is not on you. If you're both in recovery, you could say the same thing about this guilt could fuck you up. And you cannot make this about you. You could just be nice about it, you know, whatever. But you can't stay in a relationship for guilt. You can't stay in a relationship because you fear what might happen. And your dream is to be funny, it seems like. Yeah. Comedy is a really...

big sense of humor is really big in my life and he just doesn't get my sense of humor. You know, whenever I try to play with him or do funny jokes. Yeah, do funny jokes. By the way, that's exactly what they want someone's partner doing, doing funny jokes. He's just like a deer in headlights and just doesn't get it. Can you imagine that scene? Yeah. A guy's just sitting there trying to pick up the pieces of his broken life and then his boyfriend, his boyfriend's doing bits. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean... Just puns. Just the worst. I mean, I am just, unfortunately, imagining Ian right now. Like, I know... It's like, imagine if your life is, like, falling apart and Ian's like, Hey, man!

Just fucking playing scoss. Why don't you skank? Let's skank, man. He's like, I've just been, I just got rejected from Target and Walmart. My parole officer's not going to be happy about this. How do I do this to not fuck this guy's life up? It's like, whatever, man. It's like, man, I think his life's already fucked up. His life's fucked, bro. You know? And look, you just can't stay in this.

Whatever. He'll be okay. You gotta find somebody who likes your bits. Who likes your bits. They're out there. This guy needs someone who's less annoying, it sounds like. But yeah, it's just... You can't fucking stay in a relationship for guilt reasons. And...

Break it down. I'm also curious how much of recovery you guys are in. Whatever. But this can't. Yeah. Don't they say you're not supposed to date for this exact reason? The first part of recovery? First year. Yeah. There's supposed to be some. But that's not official. Sure, sure, sure. But either way. You know, I bet he will be able to move on with his life. Although he will miss you riffing on Wicked. Yeah.

I'm sure he'll be able to do it. That's my guess. I don't know. Yeah, I agree. I'm no expert. That's a good one. All right. Well, Tim, thanks for doing the show, man. Thank you for having me. It was so fun. I appreciate it. Of course. Just like, truly just like, it's crazy that it was literally 10 years ago. 10 years ago. 2025. When we were in this neighborhood. Yeah. When I lived in this neighborhood. When you lived in this neighborhood. I was living in this neighborhood.

The time flies. Still some of the best food in the world. It's awesome. I do love it here. It's the best. I love it. Even if I get an apartment somewhere else, we're keeping the studio here so that I can just come back. I think that it is... There's something about doing it in Queens.

It's like making a famous person come to Queens is so funny. No, dude, Queens is still the best, I think. Brooklyn and Queens. And Manhattan has its charms, too. Sure. You got fucking sexy models running around, some of the most evil people in the world. Those evil people we were talking about that are nameless, you don't know, they're in Manhattan. They're in Manhattan. And here's the problem.

They're no longer nameless. Yeah. They're no... In fact, they're going to start doing stand-up. They all have podcasts.

I mean, they're all, this is how it ends. The world ends with the scions of the dynasties of wealth doing stand-up comedy. That's how it ends. You're actually right. It's how it ends, dude. And it's how in a country like America, there's no other way for it to end than a bunch of Illuminati billionaires on stage going like,

fucking the thing about fucking AI, you know? And just a confused audience kind of banging their heads. No, you're right. You're right. That's how it all ends. A great, great, like the eighth Rockefeller, great, great, great grandson of the Rockefellers. Yeah. He might be at the stand tonight. Who knows? That's going to do it for us, folks. We will see you next week. Come see us on the Dreamboat Tour and we will see you next week. Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

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