Shownotes Transcript
Welcome everybody to Stavi's World, 904-800-STOV. Call in, we'll solve all your problems. Special episode here, I got my old pal Nick Mullen on the couch. Adam Friedland might be here, he's actually in the living room taking a call. Oh shit, Elders with the big guns right off the top, dude.
Eldest fucking got the fucking classic guitar riff. That's probably going to cause an issue with somebody. They're going to hear that and they're going to fucking just pull over. It'll be like falling down. Yeah, they're going to start crying. They're going to remember being 18 and their life being horrible but having a great time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't imagine all the people out there who would slit my throat to be sitting in this chair right now. Yeah.
Do you ever get people after shows, people are like, man, Comptown really helped me through a hard time. I'm pretty university. I'll say to them, well, I hope things are going better now. 50% of the time, well, no. I guess not. Not really, but that was a nice solve for the first four years before you guys started phoning it in. Look who it is. Sit down.
Oh, let's hear the big story. Let's go ahead. This is what happened 20 minutes before he leaves. He goes, Maya, can you call me before we start? No, it wasn't Maya. She's out of town. Can you pretend to be mad? No, it's her brother. It's her brother. I said, I thought of this great joke about Patrick Mahomes, and I don't have a way to work it in. I'm coming up with it on the spot.
So I need you to come up with a fake story about how everyone's... What's wrong, Adam? This is my one chance. I feel bad. This is my one chance. Okay, my friend, his girlfriend's friends were there, and then I'm... So you're at a Super Bowl party, and this is coming out probably in what, April? And I guess I said... Right.
I said Mahomo. I guess I said Mahomo. Yeah, April Show. I said Mahomo. There were two gay guys there. Mahomo, which, you know, I think of jokes like that all the time. But then he was like, no, no, no. But then he was like, that's just, you know, you know me. After I left, I can't help it. I was a riff master. I'm just, I can't help myself. It's not, I'm not saying it's a great joke. I think he just riffs. No, it's hateful. It's a hateful joke. Oh, it's hateful. It's hateful to the, it's hateful. That's not me. I'm not hateful. I'm not a hateful guy. You know me. It's hateful.
I didn't realize those guys were gay. You were at a gay party. Yeah. You went to a gay sex party. What kind of Super Bowl party would you be invited to? Yeah, somebody put the Super Bowl on. I was on Christopher Street in the West Village. No. But they...
Everyone's in leather overall. The worst part is, yeah, leader hoses. With butt flaps. The guy dressed up like a Native American got very mad at me. So I went over to the construction worker and I said, what the hell is this guy's problem? I thought I was at a blue collar sort of working man's event. Yep, yep. Mm-hmm.
No, but the worst part is that he was just like, yeah, after you left, everyone was like, what the fuck was he on? Wow. That's the embarrassing thing. I made an ass of myself. You bombed. It's not that you made a homophobic joke. If you made that joke and everybody loved it, you'd be like, I'm the man. Well, I kept also saying that Kendrick Lamar should apologize for anti-Semitism during the halftime show. That's funny. Which I believe. That is not a joke. Oh, really? What did he say that's anti-Semitic? They not like us. What?
By the way, thanks, Adam, for making this episode that comes out in April instantly dated from minute three. Oh, sorry, Stavros. Kendrick's been dead for two weeks. Yeah. Oh, so it's... My birthday's coming up. It's April. It's Aries. Hitler's birthday, right? What? April 20th. April 20th. That's a big day. He used the word belligerent. I wasn't being... I had...
It's very embarrassing. It is embarrassing. No, it's really embarrassing to have a party, for you to leave a party and everyone be like...
Fuck that guy. Yeah, that's what happened last night. That's fucking pathetic. That's what happens in your mind. Who the fuck was that idiot? That's the thing you tell your therapist and they're like, well, of course that didn't happen. Maybe a couple people would have been annoyed, but I'm sure you're fine. But no, everyone was like, oh, thank God he's gone. No, but apparently they were also offended that...
Me and the guy I was sitting next to were reading Kanye's tweets to each other. - Hilarious. - But I'm Jewish. I could read- - You can do it. - I could read swastika and stuff. Can't be offended by- - Did you bring food to the party? - I brought, no. - Oh, so you're a bad guest. You go to a Super Bowl party- - And everyone's like- - And you call people gay. - I called Patrick Mahomes gay. - Remember when he went to the wedding?
And he thought it was a valid gift that he paid for his own flight to go to the wedding. My presence is a presence. That was so awesome. My presence is a presence. And by the way, we all know what you were making. We were all pretty rich at the time. No, we weren't. No, we weren't. No, we were making like $4,000 a month, each of us. And you were buying like a $6,000 oven at the time. No, that's bullshit. That's bullshit. Okay, but you...
You were making money in entertainment, basically. I mean, it was phenomenal. Yeah. You couldn't have said... I did not have $100. Yeah, exactly. The cheapest thing on their fucking registration. I went to that wedding because I knew I wouldn't talk to the guy again if I didn't go to the wedding, and I have not talked to him again. Yeah, because they were like, he didn't even fucking... No, no, it's not my fault. It's not my fault. But you didn't get him a present. No, it's because my bohemian lifestyle just didn't jive with him.
Bohemian. Come on, man. If I'd been at that party, it would be like the meme, the fucking human resources meme. Ew, he's creepy. Yeah, that's you. Adam, if you had come through with an amazing buffalo dip or a dessert, they would have been like, you know what? He was weird. He said that weird thing, but...
He brought Mountain Dew Code Red. Mountain Dew Code Red and the sliders were awesome. No, no, no. I think it would have helped, for real. Because those gay guys that would have been like, they like dips? What are you talking about? If your come through as a good... No, they were policing my language. And now you're being homophobic again. Gay guys don't like dips? I'm sorry our guy got re-elected. I'm sorry it's legal now to say Mahoma. It's the Super Bowl. You can say I'm sorry.
I mean, yeah, it is also just not that good. It is like not good enough. It was a throwaway. Why would you say that in a group of people you don't know? Because I know half of them and we say that kind of stuff. So it was a joke. You were trying to be funny and you fucking bombed. No, I didn't know it.
I was just like, oh, fucking Mahomo. You bombed so bad you're getting called. I wasn't at the Apollo. We all know what it's like to bomb socially and you bombed at the bucket. I never bombed socially once. You just did. There's fallout from a Super Bowl party. Imagine people after you leave somewhere being like,
I mean, that's crazy. Also, if there's any place that's like it's acceptable for there to be one guy that's like racist or homophobic, it's at a football event in the living room. Usually you have your uncle like zoomed in. Right, right, right. And he's like, well, so usually these guys are violent animals. But when they're the quarterback, they have the brain of a white man. So they're okay. Yeah, that is fucking hilarious, man. But yeah, if you would come with something, a nice offering...
You go to a Super Bowl party. They were the hosts. He wrote down on a pink post-it note, he wrote down, say Patrick Mahomo. And he folded it up and he put it in his pocket. He was sweating. He hadn't said anything funny in a while. And he's just like, breaking case of emergency. Patrick Mahomo. Everyone's like, what? It's like the game is on. Also, by the way, he had...
He had a horrible game. There was nothing to be like, oh, fucking Mahomo about. He was blowing it. He threw fucking a pick six. It was like the first quarter I said Mahomo. But he didn't score until the second half. He had a horrible game. But everyone's expecting he's going to do his magic all over again. So you weren't even... I don't remember why I said it. You're shaking right now. You weren't even locked into the game. It wasn't even appropriate to say it. You did force Mahomo. I miss you guys so much.
I'm so happy right now. I don't think I've been this happy in three years. And I lost these friends, so I need this back right now. Stop. Don't go on tour. I'm going on tour, man. We just started two months ago. We're in the middle of it. Please buy tickets to see me on the Dreamboat Tour coming up. Where are we, Aldis? Figure out what dates are coming up. Do a little fucking producing, for Christ's sake. I love this guy. We're on the bus.
You know, we're getting elders. It was funny at the beginning of the Super Bowl when they were like, and here we are in New Orleans, the site of a horrific terrorist attack at the beginning of the year. And it's like, yeah, no one remembers. Yeah. I don't even, some guy shot like. Some guy drove a truck. It was a car. You know, a bunch of people that were going to die of alcohol poisoning in 45 minutes anyways. Uh-oh. He's getting another call.
We're in Columbia, Missouri tonight. We're in Columbia, Missouri tonight. It's literally nothing. There's no new text. It was a fake. Oh, my God. We moved on. He was like, wait, let's go back to talking about me. It was four minutes ago.
Oh, my God. Oh, they were going to maybe move on to a different topic of conversation. We don't have to talk about this anymore. Well, what did they say? You said you were going to read us a text. Let's talk about you, Stav. Okay, what do you want to talk about? I don't know. You know what the cruelest part about being on tour is? Being separated from my Helix sleep mattress.
Oh, it's like a cloud, baby. I sleep gorgeously. Look, we get a nice night's rest in our bunks on a moving vehicle, but it's nothing compared to the Helix Sleep ever since we've been with Helix. At this point, Elders, what, it's been a couple years now, right? Yeah, definitely. They hooked the whole team up. I have slept better, and I'm a plus-size boy, okay? Sometimes I have back issues if I don't sleep on my Helix mattress, but with it, no back issues to speak of whatsoever.
It's wonderful. I miss it. I have a week off. I'm about to snooze. I'm going to try and hit 10 hours on my bed a night. I got it. Elders has it. They have all different types of body types. Yeah. Did we get...
I don't remember what it's called, but it's for the most plus size of plus size people. They got everything for you. Get a Helix mattress. Be like me, Eldis. Benny Buttcheeks has a Helix mattress. We got the whole team on Helixes. We want you to be a Helix boy or girl just like us. Go to helixsleep.com slash stavi for the March Madness sale. That's 20% off site-wide. That's helixsleep.com slash stavi for the March Madness sale. Helixsleep.com.
I'm an uncle. That's my biggest life thing right now. Congrats. No, no, no, no. You got a kid? Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going uncle mode. I'm pumped. That is pretty sick, dude, honestly. None of us yet, because you don't...
Only child. It's funny because you're going to be, there'll be like events when your nephew is like 20. Yeah. And you're the like woke uncle. Right. You know, it's like ruining Thanksgiving because you're like, I think they're people. And they're like, oh my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh my God. It is funny. He's 20. I'm going to be 55. That's crazy. Yeah, I'm going to be. Wait, what?
It's a boy? Oh, yeah. Right? Yeah. I'm bad at math. I don't know why I tried to check you on that one. It's a boy. I'm like, don't you mean 72? Yeah. It's adding 20 to 35. You're disagreeing with that? It's like some of the simplest math possible. I just saw Oppenheimer. I'm trying out a new thing. Is it 75? 75?
Yeah, dude. I'm going uncle mode. I can't wait to get high and watch John Wick with a 15-year-old in 15 years. Oh, your nephew. Yeah. Now, stuff like this used to be important. Yeah, this is culture, man. Back in our day. I am excited about it. Yeah. I don't know. By the time four, I mean, I watched. I loved four. I was like, I've seen enough karate. Yeah.
It was good, though. The Japanese part was fucking awesome. Yeah, I don't even remember. It was fucking good. I actually really enjoyed it. I liked it much more than 3. 1 and 2 I loved. 3 was just okay. 4 was, I thought, a return to form, if a little long for my taste, but it just ended. It was basically two different movies, but mashed together. Yeah, yeah. It should have been 4 and 5. No, I mean, I liked it how it was. Yeah. Because that's like, you know, I don't want to have to wait a whole... But yeah, 3 was a little whatever. Yeah.
And one thing I will say, why weren't there tits in that movie, in those movies? Good point. It's kind of fucked up. Like, action movies used to have tits. There probably will be in a girl movie. I don't think so, dude. Yeah. That's a fucked up thing that we've done is, like, everything's got to be good for China. Even our action movies. It used to be, like... China's the bad guy. Well, China doesn't want tits in their movies, do they? I think everybody does. But I don't... No, I think China... It's against... Don't they want shit to be, like...
I don't know. I think you just can't criticize China, right? Everything else is... And then you can't have... Can you show tits? You can't have black people in the post. Right, right, right, right, right. They're racist, but yeah, go ahead. Yeah. Can you show boobs in Chinese movies? Can you show boobs? Thank you. Yeah.
Oh, see, why are Chinese dramas more conservative? Yeah, so what I'm saying is, like, think about, let's see, classic Schwarzenegger. Like, there's... I feel like there were tits in... Like, even Terminator had tits. True Romance. True Romance had a nice amount of tits. Total Recall had three. Total Recall had three tits. Three. And you could kind of see... And you, like, you really wanted to fuck Sharon Stone, even though you didn't really see her naked or anything. But she was a piece of ass. You saw her pussy in Basic Instinct. Yeah. Which...
You know, I'd rather see tits, I think. Apparently... I'd rather feel pussy and see tits. No one on set knew. What do you mean? That she was about to show pussy? That she was about to show Beaver. Oh, Newman must have been fucking... That must have been fun that day. Honestly, I would have been like, oh, shit! Like, if a bitch showed her pussy in a movie, I didn't know it was coming. I would have been like...
oh no someone was like thank god I'm a best boy yeah that makes more sense that makes my whole life worth it than if they went to Sharon Stone and be like yeah so here's the script and you know like you're bad or something yeah in this scene you show your pussy and then yeah no and then it continues you know it's cool it's a cool movie she's like okay yeah I'll show my pussy and also if you're the director and like do you do a take where she shows her pussy and she's like how was that you can't be like
Yeah, we're not going to use that. Oh, what the fuck? Call the police. This bitch showed everybody her pussy. That is another one of the HR memes things. Imagine if an ugly bitch was like, I'm showing my pussy in this room. They'd be like...
we're going to jail. If Kathy Bates did it. If Kathy Bates is like, why don't I shove my pussy in James Caan's face? About Schmidt. You see her hooters. I like that. A fat old lady's tits are kind of fun to look at. She should have done it in Titanic. Jack should have drawn Kathy Bates. The unfuckable Molly Brown. Jack should have drawn Kathy Bates. He should have done both. He should have been like, alright, I'm going to chill for a little bit. And then he just fucks Kathy Bates right after.
He's just been on a pussy. Yeah. He just fucked like four girls on the Titanic. He fucked Fabrizio. One Irish guy. Oh yeah. Fabrizio was kind of hot. Yeah. I found a YouTube video that's like, like in loving memory of Fabrizio. It's like a montage of all of the scenes set to like, boo, doo, doo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's like, this is the character you attached to? This movie, and there's all these people, Fabrizio is my favorite character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In love with that wop. I don't really, I mean, I just remember him being his poor friend. How did Fabrizio die in that movie? The fucking smoke, the smokestack crushes him. Oh, yeah, that's right. Pull up Fabrizio Titanic for fuck's sake, Elvis. Pull up Fabrizio nude. Fabrizio Titanic, AI, AI nude. AI nude.
Oh, yeah. He looks good. The princess was kind of hot. He kind of looks like Nick a little bit. No, he doesn't at all. If Nick got the hat, it could be his aesthetic. He doesn't look like Nick at all. This guy looks fucking... I meant in a handsome way. But he doesn't look like Nick. Danny Nucci. He also is the kind of Italian that actually has a claim to saying he's not white. He kind of looks a little Colombian. Stop. Stop. Give him the vape. It's my ba-ba. I'll just start a timer. They have to switch vapes back and forth. It's mine. It's mine.
How long do you guys want to switch? This is a socialist podcast, dude. That is true. We share things. Actually, we're apolitical, you know. We really stay out of things. I'm center-left. You're center-left? Yeah. Yeah, that's right. I've been watching Western... This is the most lib shit. I've been watching it since Trump won, to remember. Oh, my God. That's pathetic, dude. But, like, it's so funny what the issues of the day were. They were like, should gay guys go to the army? Yeah.
That's like what people were doing. Should kids wear uniforms to school? The resolution of that episode, isn't it? It's like one of the black Joint Chiefs.
I forget that actor's name. I don't remember. I didn't watch that show. He's like, LeVar Burton. Yeah, he's like, you should not be allowed to be. LeVar Burton was in the. Michael Winslow. You're thinking of. He's just naming. Star Wars. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was Geordie, right? Yeah. Geordie LaFloyd. Geordie LaFloyd. Geordie LaFloyd. Sounds sexy. Yeah, yeah. Sounds like a hot girl, honestly. He's like, I can't see. Get off me. I can't see.
Wait, was that a real guy? Jordy LaForge. Yeah, yeah. It was a real guy. Who's Jordy? Jordy on Star Trek. Jordy was... Oh, I didn't want... Jordy, you guys love... On Star Trek, his name's Jordy LaForge. Oh.
I get it. All right, I get what we were doing now. Yeah, yeah. I never watched Star Trek. You know what I've been, on my TikToks or my fucking YouTube shorts, what's come up a lot is Seth MacFarlane's weird Star Trek show. Have you seen that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bizarre. With Steve Carell, right? Space Force. No, no, no, no. This is just like Seth MacFarlane just straight up made his own Star Trek. Yeah.
And I've only watched it through YouTube Shorts. And it just kind of feels like great value Star Trek. Really? They have their own Klingons. Is Cleveland in it or no? Yeah. Yeah.
Cleveland's like, I want to get some alien pussy. Or whatever the fuck. Giggity, giggity. That's quagmire. I know. I have been also watching a lot of Family Guy. I feel like if Seth MacFarlane did that, then fucking Jean-Luc Picard should do that with Family Guy. Oh, yeah. I'm Cleveland. I'm Cleveland. Stewie. Look at me. I'm fucking Cleveland. Let's go get pussy together, Stewie. Take that. Yeah.
Who's the gay... Oh, too sad. Yeah, he's saying that it's... Is he gay? Or is he...
I don't know. Everything about him. Oh, that's just Picard. I think Picard's taking shots. Yeah. The baby's gay in Family Guy. Stewie's gay. Stewie's gay. Which is an interesting move. McFarlane's gay too, no? He's a friend. He's a friend. Has he done the show? Are you trying to get him on the show? Yeah. He did that one time. I was saying something completely innocuous about Post Malone. He's a friend. And then Adam goes, stop, stop, stop, stop. He's a fan. He's a fan.
My friend does Bud Light commercials. One of my best friends does Bud Light commercials with him.
Oh, really? Well, he would call me his best friend. He's just one of my friends. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, he kept... He was, like, on tire. Shane was like, damn, I miss Adam. Did he say that? He said it every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like, oh, I wish he would... He sent me multiple texts, like, the morning after, like, seeing him, where he's like, you know I don't actually hate every Jew in the world. For some reason, seeing you brings that out of him, huh? Yeah, he's like...
It's also, it's like nobody hated every one of them.
Even Hitler, there was a guy that made biscuits for him or something. Really? I think so. Are you just guessing? No, no, there was a guy. It was like his childhood doctor. Wow. And he's like, this guy's the one. Right. This guy's the one. It's the no homers allowed. Yeah, exactly. That's not much of a... They call it Hitler's favorite Jew. Okay, don't Google Hitler's biscuit Jew. Why can't he? You can Google whatever you want, Elvis. X out of this, man. I don't even want to. What's going to happen? What?
Our guy won, okay? He's back. German biscuit giant apologizes for... All right, fucking Google it again. Google it again. Let's see what Hitler's biscuit Jew comes up with. The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town. This episode got demonetized the second we recorded. Who cares? Check out the Adam Friedland show.
The Times of Israel. Click that one. It's probably the truth. Don't do that one. Go to politico.eu. You won't even click Israel? No. Don't give him more clicks, man. Why didn't you just click? Oh, Stavros, in this day and age. German Biscuit Titan says, sorry for taking advantage. Choco Liebens?
Chocolibnes. And Pickup Maker admits it used forced labors during World War II. It used collars for making chocolate biscuits. I bet those slave cookies tasted good. I'm kind of jealous. Now I want a cookie. You see that brand in the store.
Sometimes I see those cookies, the leavened ones, and I'm like, maybe I can eat desserts like a European. Look how big that guy's cock is. Wait, look at the guy on the right. Is that his cock, Daniel? That's not his cock. Wait, no. Right there. It's like past his knee. No, I don't think that's his cock. That's water damage. Yeah, that's not his cock. Yeah, zoom in, Elders. Oh, I thought it was his dick. Enhance. Enhance. So, okay. So, now zoom out. What is that? What kind of cookie is this? Let's look at the cookies. They have them. They're like shortbread cookies. Let's look at the cookies. Okay.
Keep scrolling, man. Maybe they have a picture of the cookies. Stop. You're pissed. I'm fucking hungry. A sugar-coated apology. A
Issued a sugar-coated apology for the comments. Okay, whatever. Yeah, look up what kind of cookies these are. They're good. They're like shortbread. They're like, you know, the little Scotty dog cookies? Mm-mm. You never... This is surprising. Oh, yes. Those are good. Oh, these are good. Liebens. Yeah. Oh, you're right. I have seen these. Yeah, these are good. Sometimes I'll eat like a whole box of these and be like, it's fine. It's like I'm in France. I'm fucking Parisian. It's like I'm in the Holocaust. Yeah.
Hey, come on, madam. Well, shut up in this day and age. Dude, there's one going on right now. Yep. Yeah, the new, it's April, right? The Holocaust has started. Is it seasonal? No, I mean, it's by at this point, you know. Yeah, I hope not. That would be. Thank you. I'm coming out. You probably would have gotten away with it if they just did it a little bit every year.
You know what I mean? Good point. If there was like one oven, they just did like a... Oh, you mean like... Oh, just a slow burn. We're talking not metaphorical. You mean like legitimate... And we're back. For real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Once a year. I don't think they would. It's just a thousand. I don't think they... I'm going to go out on a limb and say I don't think you can do a thousand a year and get away with it. Israel does it. Yeah, but that's not a little oven. No, I think they did about 50,000. They call it mowing the lawn. What?
They do. That's what they call it. Jesus Christ. I'm not kidding. Look up mowing the lawn. Don't look that up. Let's go back to talking about cookies. That's what my dad... Just look up the phrase mowing the lawn. Let's see what comes up. That's what my dad calls taking a shit. He's like, I'm going to go mow the lawn or talk to my accountant. True green lawn care. You have to add a little context. No, that's all you get. All you get is mowing the lawn. The second result. Tell me that's not the American History X guy. Yeah.
Holy shit. The Home Depot link. Let's talk mowers. What are your favorite mowers? You seem like a guy that would ride a mower. I would never get on a ride on one. Really? I would guess for sure you'd want to. That's the laziest shit I've ever seen in my life. Well, because you were a bonsai guy. No, I tried. I couldn't even get the thing to sprout. Yeah, and then I realized it takes like 25 years. And I was like, this is some stupid Japanese bullshit. But you don't want to go zen or whatever?
Not with fucking doing gardening. What do you want to go? Taking Kratom. Do you have a lawn at this point, Seth? I don't have a lawn. None of your properties. My properties. You have 11 houses. My property. I have 2.5 shitty homes in Southeast Baltimore. My family lives in 1.5 of them. So you got one whole house. Wait, what do you mean 1.5? I don't know.
A box that he has in an alley for his dad. I bought half my mother's home to help her out, basically. And then I also have the house that my brothers used to live in that now, I think my dad just lives there. Yeah, imagining it was like, you know, you guys are not allowed to come on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I put a strip of tape down the middle. Yeah, fucking 90s sitcom style. This side of the house is mine.
This episode of Starvis World? Ah, that's right. It's brought to you by Booking.com. Booking. Yeah. Folks, we're on the tour. It's no secret. I'm on the bus again.
I've been on this thing five days in a row. Eldis, Saxon, Jamel's on here right now. Too much. You know what I'm doing today? I'm hitting up Booking.com and I'm finding a luxurious hotel with a big bathtub for me to soak in. You know I like to get my soaks in and I'm doing that through Booking.com. I was very, I was lucky. I hit up Booking.com, found a place a block from the venue.
five stars, got a pretty good rate on it. That's what booking.com has. Whatever you're looking for, it's a nice bargain, whether it's a hotel room, some kind of extended stay.
We've done places with kitchens so I can cook my chicken and peps. Whatever you're looking for, Booking.com has got it. No matter who you are, Booking.com helps you find the stay that's ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on Booking.com. Booking.yeah. This is empty before it's empty. I want it out of water. Eldest, would you get our guests a couple liquid deaths? And you know what? I also have a little surprise for them.
Get a couple boxes of those cookies for him. These cookies? I'm sorry if I got a little too spicy with the mowing the lawn. No, no, that's all right, man. What do you see? That is real, though. Did you not know that? I don't know the phrase mowing the lawn. Thank God at this point Gaza is the 51st state. Welcome, Gaza. They've opened the Trump Taj Mahal 2 on the beach.
Yeah, man. We are... It is hilarious. I wonder how fucked we'll be in April. I wonder if eggs will cost $40. But you just said you can't have eggs anymore. But I like egg whites. I love those commercials for eggs when I was a kid with the old man. It would be like, the incredible edible egg. The incredible edible egg. And then there was a stinger on the end where some old ass man, he would look at the camera and he goes, I love eggs. It's...
They are good, and I love a fried egg sandwich, and I love a little bacon. I didn't like eggs growing up until I learned how to cook eggs when I was like 28. There we go. Those are iced teas, and we each get a little box of cookies. And they're fresh, by the way. They're really in there.
They're fresh. They were baked to celebrate the birth of my nephew. So these aren't from Christmas. These are from like a week ago. Where does she get the boxes? She gets them from Michael's, I believe. Oh, okay. Oh, man. What a lady. Yeah. I had a good experience at Michael's the other day. What'd you get? What happened? Adam ripped one of the set. Oh, my. It wasn't my fault at all. We spent $4,000 each on those chairs. Yeah. They're like... Wait, you got real chairs? Yeah.
Yeah, you didn't get like the dupes? No, no, no. On the real Dick Cavett show, he used dupes. Of course. Why wouldn't you just get dupes? Nick says they all have to be sourced from the same place. We found a guy in Pennsylvania because the leather has to match. Adam said have Max. Yet another thing he blamed his friend. Yeah. Max will take my friend. He is a furniture guy. So Max says those are Time Life lobby chairs. So see if you can find those. I said, okay. And then there was a courthouse.
getting rid of some guy found like 17 of them in a courthouse oh nice and they were the right color I was like great you know and I did cut a deal on them they were like 42 or something Jesus Christ and so yeah we got for 3,800 but they're 50 year old chairs so it's like you can turn around and sell them for the same price that's cool yeah but they are like you know vintage designer chairs yeah and he ripped the button there's no there's nothing connecting me to that button did you really do that man uh
Yeah, he ripped one of them. So I had to put the button back on the chair and I needed to learn how to... You weren't even there. I'm asking. Why would... I asked you, did you do it? Wow. The crowd has turned on you, Adam.
Eldest, I'm your only friend in this room right now. That's not true. He's my best friend. He's telling you not to Google. You can Google whatever you want, Eldest. You have Google privileges now. You tried to ask to Google when we were doing our final episode of Come For The Hot. I didn't know. That was a separate project all together. That was a separate project. Eldest's mic wasn't working. Guys, welcome to the Adam Friedland Show. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah. You know what? Host from the guest chair. Zavros, you were recently in Hawaii, right? Yeah.
No. And you recently had the birth of a nephew. That's true. Congratulations. Where did Hawaii come from? So what you're saying is when you're 55, your nephew's going to be the one. Your first question was just not even sort of true. I don't know. That's something they say on talk shows. Oh, okay. I'm trying to get better at this talk show thing. All right, there you go. Practice on us.
You haven't been seeing my growth? I've seen your growth, but this is... Pretend we're the black eyed peas. Get even crazier. You're the black eyed peas? Yeah, yeah. I'm Fergie. He's Will. I am. Okay. Yeah, I'm whoever that is. Eldest is the Native American. Native American? Yes. What's his name? Delirious or something? Stav is the black eyed peas. I'm the roots. Okay. I'm the whole band, the black eyed peas. Yeah, I'm the roots. So what was it like working with Scott Storch? It was awesome.
We never worked with him, but we like the videos where he's high as shit playing piano. Getting a haircut. Smoking a cigarette. And I like to imagine how much pussy Scott's got. Because he's kind of ugly, but he was in Miami and he lost all his money on boats. He got so much pussy. Yeah. Yeah, he lost like $200 billion because he got addicted to yachts and cocaine. Yeah.
There's a really good drink champs with him. Oh, really? From like eight years ago where he talks about this thing called the Miami Blizzard that him and his friends got into. Where he was like, I was with a massive pop star icon woman. And he wouldn't say the name of people. People think it's Mariah Carey. Oh, wow. And he said, do you want any cocaine? And she said, yes, but not, I don't do it in my nose. I do it in my culo.
So he took a straw and he had to blow it into her bum. And then him and his friends got addicted to this thing they called the Miami Blizzard where they'd line up porn stars and then they'd blow drugs into their asses. Damn, that's awesome. That actually sounds pretty fucking cool. Lucky...
What a cool guy. One of the coolest guys. Blowing it into their asses. Yeah, yeah. Mariah Carey. Come on. You think so? That's what fantasy is about. Yeah, yeah. Blow coke in my ass. Spread me open. Let it, let it blow. Hmm. I'm a little rusty.
How does that go? Yeah, I don't know. I just remember the name of the song. Sweet, sweet fantasy, baby. That's it, yeah. Which one am I singing? Is that fantasy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get fucked every night. Suckin' and diggin'.
Get... Ah, damn, yeah. I've lost my touch, man. No, come on. We can get it back. We got the Vegas residency. Yeah, we gotta get it ready for our Vegas residency. We gotta get it ready. After my 14th divorce settlement, I've never signed a prenup. She loves me, guys. I mean, yeah, you are the kind of idiot that would do that. Yes, she has a check-in pass, but she loves me. It's different this time. We...
It's an actual dog. Just married to a Pomeranian. Her brother from the Ukraine lives with us and is clearly a guy that's just fucking the shit out of us. No, her brother moved in with us. He's a refugee. You just hear like, yeah, yeah. Oh, they're doing folk dancing. No, they're doing doggies. Just loud doggies. My parents are over for Passover.
Her brother and her do... Yeah, they're doing... They're clogging. They're refugees from the war. Every wife is the same age, no matter how old you are. They're all 27 or whatever. They're all... Yeah, yeah. I justify it because I'm anti-Putin and they're Ukrainian refugees. Even though they're just Russians. Yeah, I'm just bragging about how I'm kind of a good guy. Yeah. Are you planning your wedding, Adam? Have you gotten a dress yet? Every plan that I've proposed has been outright rejected. Mm.
I asked if me and three friends could do each verse. Because they're all based on Adam Sandler movies. No, they're not. You have bad ideas. I asked if me and three friends could do each verse of International Players Anthem at the park. It's a wedding song. It's a wedding song. Isn't it like he's retiring from getting pussy? Yeah, yeah. He sent a text to a girl he used to see. Yeah, yeah. And he said that, which is...
CC all the girls that I used to see around town. You know, I plan on sending texts to girls I used to see. Just so you know. Just so you know. You could speak now if I ever hold you. Even though you've been dating for years. Yeah, yeah. I know I've been with the love of my life for six years, but...
But if any of the insane woman from the internet that I fucked after my breakup. Remember Michelle? Remember Michelle? She was like on episode four of Comptown or something. That girl that I. The Korean girl. She used to send nudes to other guys from my bed. Yeah. And then. Yeah.
Oh, I forgot about her. I'm still friends with Michelle, but she reminded me the other day. You're friends with her? She used to send her tits to other guys in your bed, and you're like, we're pals. We were dating. We used to shtup. Okay. Yeah, she's crazy. But she's my girl. But she reminded me. Sounds pretty cool now that I think about it. She has a boyfriend now. Oh, okay. Never mind. She reminded me that she...
In 2011, she asked me for a dick pic. It was the first dick pic I'd ever sent. And I didn't know. So I just pulled my pants down and took a picture of my flaccid penis. I didn't know it was supposed to get hard. What do you mean? I remember she texted me back. That's like we're a retarded person. 2011, you didn't know to get your dick hard? That's early. It was the first dick pic I'd ever sent. And so she said, I'm actually depressed now.
You said the soft cock pic? I got nervous. That's crazy, dude. Yeah, I said soft dick. You'd never sent a picture of your cock before? It was my first dick pic ever. Instinctually, though, you should know that's not... That's crazy. Right. Did you fluff it? No, I'm humble.
Wow. Come on. That's a horrific thing to send a woman. How big is your dick soft? Or he's lying. Yeah. He's like, actually, it was soft. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's like this big. It's this big. She's going around saying it was probably hard. Yeah, yeah. And it's like, I said it on a podcast. Yeah.
There's evidence. She said, I'm actually depressed. Yeah, yeah. No, yeah. She's like, oh, this is the worst. I said this to seven guys, and this is the worst one I got back. Probably the worst one ever said to a girl. That's so funny. You didn't fluff at all. I didn't. I never said a dick pic before. You weren't sexting? She just asked for your cock? Middle of the day, like 11 a.m., she said, send me a dick pic, LOL.
So I was like, okay. So I'm going to do a funny one. Nice and soft. No, I didn't even do it hilariously. What were you doing at the time? 2011. 2011? Were you here or were you in D.C.? Had we started Comptown? I think it was before Comptown. No, that was 2016. Maybe the tail end of 2015? It was 2016. Oh, no. It was 2011. May of 2016. I'm lying right now. It had to have been 2014 then.
Okay, so that's even less defensible. 2014, you didn't notice any of your dick hard? I had a fabulous girlfriend in D.C. before I left. Oh yeah, she was awesome. Guys, we've been through so much together. You've had nothing but cool. I mean, you literally are married. Guys, we went to Japan. We went to a cabin. We went to Australia.
Dude, that argument we got in Australia was the funniest argument of all time. I don't remember which one. Because Nick was dying of laughter at us arguing. Because I wanted to take a shower. You're like, I have a fucking bust in ten days.
Because you were on a girlfriend trip with us in Japan. Yeah, it was fucking annoying. You were on the most annoying trip of all time. It sucked. And by the way, yeah. You, I still... I remember the Texas... It was your classic little trick of like, I had just fucked my foot up and I couldn't walk, remember? And I was like, oh, let's go to somewhere like a beach. Let's go to like Thailand before Australia, somewhere relaxing. I did not reject Thailand. And then it switched to like Japan. Japan.
If anything, I would have loved certain parts of Thailand. Yeah, but now, but then it was like the whole trip was walking. I wanted to chill. And by the way, it wasn't close to Australia. Japan to Australia is like 11 fucking hours, dude. I wanted to go somewhere
We're near Australia, you fucking piece of shit. The funniest thing is that chick came over and then you text us. We were at breakfast. You're like, I got the poison out of my body, boys. I'm good. I'm sorry. Yeah, I wanted to fuck and you guys wanted to hang out a little bit. She left on her lunch break, if you remember, right? It was the middle of the day and you said, oh, so I'll see you at the show tomorrow night. And she's like,
What show? And you're like, you know, the Comptown show tomorrow night? She's like, no, I just like you for your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a girl who's into fat guys. You just liked your body. Yeah. It was amazing. It was kind of crazy. She left work. That was awesome. Yeah, I fucked on the roof of our Airbnb. And I was like, I want a shower. You're like, I need to come. Yeah, I needed the bus, dude. You were fucking... But Nick was just sitting there just dying of laughter. I mean, I mean...
showering instead of your friend getting pussy? It wasn't instead. What a fucking asshole. We had three bedrooms. Thank you. I stand by it. You can clear out and get a little lunch. It's basically like switch the order of your shower and lunch. I chose to be Switzerland. If you remember during World War II, Germany was killing all these Jews. Britain got mad about it. And Switzerland said, I'm just going to sit here and laugh. Yeah.
I'm not going to have anything. Yeah. I'm stinky. God forbid you get a little pussy. I'm a sitting here and giggle. Fucking asshole. And that whole trip was so you could go shopping. We went to fucking Tokyo so you and Dasha could wear little outfits. You fucking piece of shit. To be fair, she needed clothes. We went to Japan so you could spend $20,000 on fucking your girlfriend. No, the exchange for the yen was phenomenal at that time.
Once a week, I think. Look, there were cool parts of Japan. Don't get me wrong. I had some, we had some great meals. Just talking in Japanese people's ears. Yeah. You being rude on the train and them being so mad. You like hitting, you were hitting Adam with a fucking umbrella in his shin. And every Japanese person was like, looked so disgusted at you. Yeah, you're supposed to be. They're so easy to upset. You're supposed to be
I was on the escalator and I kind of leaned forward so that my ass was directly in his face. Yeah, no, they hated that. And your underwear was a little out. So it was like they could kind of see your ass through your jeans. Remember how I got them like seven times? Yeah, farting in the green room.
Farting in my face in the green room? Oh, that was awesome. You got him right in the face, dude. It was literally seven times in a row. It was awesome. I just felt an air like on my cheek. That was fucking crazy. That green room one was like one of the most direct farts in a person's face I've ever seen in my life. Why was I so... What was I doing? I don't know, but that was the craziest part. Because it was like he got at you off like five times in a row. And you were even like, all right...
That's not happening again. And like truly. It's like Homer with the chips with the puppies. Yeah. That was the show where I accidentally stood up to racism, but I couldn't understand what the guy was saying in Melbourne. I don't remember that. Yeah, they were like, and I thought they were heckling me like you're a gay, you're a bug, whatever. Right, right, right.
If you guys remember, the Melbourne show was like Comic-Con. There was like fat Hawaiian shirt guys. There were Adidas tracksuits. Well, that would happen a lot. It was like guys would dress up as one of the three of us. All the little eerie guys. I kind of think that we sort of just look like Australian people without realizing it. No, no, no. They were guys that were like... They were doing a Comic-Con thing. They were trying to look like you. There were guys that tried to look like you or me, and then some guys just... The little eerie guys would be like, yeah, so my friends also call me a f***. Yeah.
So I really outdated fall with the Adam character. Thank you. Thanks. I'm so glad. No, but yeah, in Melbourne, I thought someone was just calling me gay or something. We're doing a bit from the show, but, but, uh, and so I was like, shut up. Like you'll never be on come down. I got a huge pause. And then I went back. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But I didn't realize it was, I mean, the way, no,
I just absolutely destroyed it. They carried me out on their shoulders. I went back. We were there. I went back to the hotel and apparently. He's lying about his opinion. We were next to him for. No, no. Apparently they were saying like despicable slurs about aboriginals. Oh, interesting. And I just couldn't hear what they were saying. But I was accidentally. I don't even mean to. Shut up.
Destroy I was trying to say That I didn't actually know I was standing up to racism I was thinking I was The humble hero I hate myself This is so us This is so us That's a fuck up This is so us This is so us I miss us Shut up Adam I wanna die with you guys I just wanna be in hospital beds Holding hands
Die of HIV. Then they gave you as a prank? In the wedding. In Greenwich Village. Swipping the wires up differently in the hospital. The fluids are going. You just hear from behind a curtain. What you doing with my fluid tube? What you putting there? I'm like, shh. I'm playing a prank on Adam.
Okay. What you doing with the tattoo? Adam's like, my arm feels cold. There's something cold creeping up my arm. That will be nice, man. Someday we'll get there. After the Vegas residency, we'll all be in a fucking hospital bed together. I just learned that hospice isn't a place. I thought it was like a place you go to and they just like suck you off and give you cigarettes. They suck your dick?
They do whatever you want, dude. That's pretty sick. They should do that. They should suck your dick. Hospice isn't like, oh, they're not like doctors. They come and they're like, yeah, I'll read you Garfield comics. You're dying. Yeah, you're just dying. Yeah, right. So it'll make you as comfortable as possible. I'm pretty sure they service you sexually. That would be awesome. They should give happy endings in hospice. I might be confusing hospice care in that episode of Deadwood when the priest is dying.
oh yeah that was sad he does go crazy he had like a fucking brain tumor or something and they wouldn't even let all he wanted to do was listen to music and they were like priest can't be at the whorehouse remember they kicked him out of the whorehouse so fucked up he just kills him but he just wanted to he was like clapping and shit listening to music and they were like look it's a bad look for me to have a priest in here which is like you're a fucking whorehouse let the man die so fucked up
March Madness is here, folks. And you know what that means? High stakes hoops, buzzer beaters, unpredictable stuff. Everyone's bracket turning to dog shit before their very eyes. It's a time of excitement, unpredictability, a time where legends are forged. Basically, it's a time to wear chubbies.
Pretty fucking good segue, huh? Yeah, Chubbies. That's that good shit, baby. I've been a Chubbies fan since I was a junior in college. That's no bullshit. I love their swim trunks. I found them originally because I like to expose my thighs.
All right. Very few brands have shorts for a fat man where he can show off a little skin. Chubby's was ahead of the market on that. They're in they were on the bleeding edge of fat guy thighs being exposed. And it's not just their shorts, their swim trunks. They got a lot little polos, elastic shit. You know what I mean? Stretch stuff. Hawaii. I got some nice Hawaiians I've purchased in the past.
I love chubbies. They look good. They got their performance. They're stylish. You go for a little stroll. You go on the beach. You want to just look good. Whatever it is, in lounge, you want to watch games on your couch all day. Chubbies is good for that too.
I truly love this brand from the bottom of my heart. It has been something that stuck with me. I tried to do an online contest to be like the Chubbies guy of the year in 2012, for real. Like when I was still in, when I was living at UMBC, maybe 2010. Anyway, go find that Chubbies, expose me. They actually don't. It's going to really depress me how I weighed 100 pounds less than I do now and was still considered fat.
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Be your own Cinderella story with Chubbies. Well, I think it's time we fucking give knowledge to people, guys. I mean, you know. Oh, I forgot the calls. There's call-ins. Oh, right. You know, we have to give advice. I thought we were going into a read. We're three of the smartest men of all time. No, no. We will do something similar to a read soon. But, Elders, play us a little call and then let's see what we got here. Adam is much smarter now. Me? Yeah, dude. You've been training to be a fucking interviewer.
So you have incredible skills. Play us some calls here, Big Eldy.
This is R.D., big fan of the podcast. I got divorced about 10 years back and it really screwed me up. I haven't really been in the dating game until just the last year or so, taking some time to work on myself and whatnot. But I've discovered that I am basically a virgin again, and I am a one-pump chump. I had a couple hookups.
And it's been really fucking embarrassing. Just as soon as that, my dick gets pussy, it's like it's done. So I try to get the girl right, but it's causing me some performance anxiety now. And I've had a couple of chances to get laid and I'm just so nervous about it that shit doesn't work. He's a good guy.
Wonder if you have any input on kind of how to get over this and, you know, what next steps to take. Anyway, appreciate the advice. Love the podcast. Absolutely. Eat her pussy first. Easy. Done. Next. No, that's not just that. Eat her pussy to completion. It doesn't matter if you bust too quick. She's already cummed. Well, this is a shame that this isn't a read. He's a good guy. Do we have any dick for lads coming up?
Well, just in case, let's, you know. Are there any questions about, like, what color Yeti thermos should I get? There might be. Who knows what else has cooked up. Because the answer is king crab orange. Okay, all right. That sounds cool. So that's my advice. Maybe see if you can find any king crab orange Yeti. Get a nice thermos. Get your mind off how quick you bust. Eat her pussy for a while is true, Adam, for sure. But also, like, this is one of the most classic dick pill solutions I've ever heard in my life.
in my life but dick feels you still it doesn't keep you longer but you bust you get the first one out you can go again porn style porn style absolutely or you can put your fingers in your ass in your own ass and then put them in your nose so you just she smells like shit and she's just disgusted by this woman
And then you can't come. Well, but he's busting fast or not getting hard. That's a tough combo because you don't want to smell like shit and your dick is soft. It's pretty cool if you can bust soft. That is cool. And I have busted like so close, like 50. I feel like if I saw a man standing there and he busted soft, I'd feel like I was at like a Tool concert. Yeah. You know what I mean? That would be like the visuals. You'd be like, whoa. Tripping. Yeah, that would be awesome.
And you see it changing his face. Yeah, just Michelangelo's fucking... Vitruvian, suck dick fiend man. Yeah, that guy. And he's just leaking. But then it turns into like an alien. Yeah, yeah. The jizz kind of becomes silver. I know the pieces fit. Brr-rung-dung, brr-rung-dung-dung. And I turn up and Lewis is to the right of me. Yeah, he's crying. That's fucking smart, dude.
He's moved to tears at how beautiful the symbolism is. Can we share this with James? Yes.
James will like this. But seriously, if the girl's already busted from you eating her pussy, maybe it'll relax you a bit because you feel like you made her cum. For sure. Try that out. Definitely, yes. But you are the guy dick pills are made for, except for really old guys. You're fresh off a divorce. We've been taking them since we're 21 years old, dude.
On and off. I'm not 21. I was taking them every day from my heart. 16. No, they're good for that. Really? They lower your blood pressure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Cialis ones do, yeah. Interesting. If you take a half of one of those, is it Blue Chew you're with or do you have that? Who are we with most recently?
I think Blue Chew might be most recently. We'll just put it over. If it's a different one, we'll just put a different one there. Just put it over from our first day. The products work. They got mad at us because I said that the Hamas guys were using it on our
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This was amazing. They're like, Blue Chew wants you to pull an ad. And Nick's like, they have been advertising with us for eight years. I have a great relationship. And they were like, well, let's talk to the, they wanted us to talk to someone that was like the ad buyer. He's like, I want to talk to the company. We talked to their head of like a promotion or something. And they were like, yeah, man, like you, you can't say that Hamas took it before they flew Mario Karts into the music festival.
He's like, you guys have been great partners, but you can't. Yes, I can, and I did. Nick was like so fired up. I can say that. I did say that. And it's probably what happened. Now, where is my $200?
I would like my 200 dollars. The amount of times we should have crossed the line. I know, it is funny. I mean, the funniest one of all time was Thursday Boots. Thursday Boots. The Holocaust. What was it? It was like a kid getting hit or something. Their office is right across the street from the studio. Oh, they're huge. So I walked past the sign. I'm like, maybe I'll go up there and say hi for old times. Remember? Remember that? We got dropped. Um...
So yeah, get your dick hard with pills. You're doing good. The fact that you got women to want to fuck you is good. And yeah, you're just starting over, brother. I remember this phase of my life when you're in your 20s and you're getting pussy for the first time. You're just redoing it. Take some cock pills. Use promo code Stavi on whatever you end up buying. Don't just worry about more important things. Elon Musk is destroying you. Yeah, that's right.
Stop talking about yourself, sir. Who gives a fuck about pussy right now when a bunch of 19-year-old Indians are turning the post office into an anime convention? Grocery? Yeah. Now fucking chicks with fat tits just like Bulma are going to fucking send you mail in little Dragon Ball Z capsules, which actually sounds pretty cool, actually. Also, can we... I would like to fuck a Bulma mailman. I'm going to be so pissed if all of this stuff ends up being good. Yeah.
It won't be, but yeah. But if it does... It won't be, but yes, I agree with you. I'm gonna be mad. Elon is such a fucking gay loser. Also, like, girls should think... Lying about playing video games. That is insane. Is he lying about playing video games? He said he's the best Diablo player in the world. Why would you aspire to... And then he was on, he was on, like, stream, and everyone was like, this guy sucks at this game. Yeah. And he just hired a guy
He said he was the best in the world. I've been replaying Metroid Prime, and I'm like, I could have killed myself years ago. And I'm like, this is so humiliating. And I'm like, I got to get 100%. Got to get all the missile. It's a 22-year-old video game, but I got to...
There's no way I'm not 100% Do you see Do you get When you 100% it Do you see her in a bikini? No Isn't there a part where you can see her in a bikini? At the end of Super Metroid But not Metroid Prime I would love to fuck Samus if she was a real person Yeah Really Honestly any woman Yeah any woman Any woman if she was real
Samus, Lisa Simpson. The squirrel from Spongebob. Sandy, maybe. I would love, yeah. The squirrel's eyes. The nut is in the helmet. Just feeling the helmet. Oh, good girl. You're killing me. Oh, can I go next? Sure, Patrick. You look soft.
Because you'd be much bigger than all of them. Right. You know, they're all this big. That's true. Yeah, Patrick should go first. And then you just clean your leg up with SpongeBob. Hey! Get your gist away from me. You fucked my friends to death. And you're using me as a comrade. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, SpongeBob. I just really like cartoons.
I'm 40 years old and I just really like cartoons. I don't know what to tell you, SpongeBob. I've always wanted to try this. All right, yeah, good luck, buddy. RD, also, just tell the girl she's so sexy you busted one. Yeah, you know, whatever. You're fine, bro. Your pussy's so perfect I busted it fast. Yeah, exactly. That's because you're so... Hey, Elvis...
Yeah, I love that it's on the Google Translate can't hear it. Either of their names, yeah. Okay, next question here, Eldest. Uh-oh. Oh, shit, what's going on? Yeah. Oh, fuck, dude. Shit. Shit, guys, it's time for the mother... Something crazy's happening. Is this a segment? Oh, my God. What?
It's time to keep it motherfucking twisted with the twisted ass motherfucking ass question of the week. You want a twisted tea? Yeah.
Play the thing and get our friend Adam an ice cold twisted tea, which, by the way, is brewed with real iced tea. I don't know if you guys know that. And it's the perfect drink on a game day or just to enjoy yourself. How does that work? Does the tea itself ferment? Or do you just make tea? Play the call, you fucking prick. We can read it. I'll do it. No, no, no. It's all good. How does what work? Hold on. How does what work?
How do you... Like, does the tea ferment or do they add alcohol? What do you mean? I'm asking a question. You're asking about the fermentation of twisted tea? They just said it's made with real tea, so I'm asking... It's brewed with real ice cold, iced tea. This is why sponsors drop off all the time, Adam, because I'm feigning interest in their process that they brought up, and very fakely, by the way, to help the reed.
See, Nick, we don't have to worry about all that science mumbo jumbo. What's wrong with your brain? All we have to know is that it's delicious and that we have a twisted-ass motherfucking question of the week. Let's see what we got. Holy fuck, that was twisted. That's all right. We'll just edit over whatever Adam said. It doesn't really matter. Go ahead, Elders. Keep it twisted.
Exactly. Just keep editing over Adam and let's play the twisted ass motherfucking ass question of the week.
Hey, Bobby, hey, Elvis. You'll get it back. So here's my question. A few months ago, I moved to a new city. And the same day I moved into this apartment, there's a really hot woman. Hey, Bobby, hey, Elvis. Huge fan of the podcast. So here's my question. A few months ago, I moved to a new city. And the same day I moved into this apartment, there's a really hot woman.
moved in literally right in front of me. Initially, I told myself I would just ignore her because I think it kind of complicates things to date your... Right, that's why. That's the reason, the hottest woman I've ever seen. This is James Comey. This is like a James Comey, like fucking like, oh, I'm doing the principal. No, you're a coward. And that's what makes cowards dangerous is that fucking 99% of the time they do the right thing because they're too much of a pussy to do the wrong thing. Right, right, right. And
Let's see how cool let's see if this guy keeps it twisted or if he stays a coward same person in your building Nevertheless somebody like would directly in front of you Probably but you know since then We've been talking the elevator and I thought that we actually have a lot in common really is my type of woman and like I would be shooting my shot if I
Stop talking. I feel like, yeah, like all of your new fans now are just the guy from that movie that wanted. Which, which, which. In the beginning of the movie when he's. Oh, where he's getting like bullied by Chris Pratt. Yeah, it's very much like, yeah, like 90s office worker. Yeah. Hey, let's see what he's got. Or like a guy from Office Base.
Before the hypnosis. Before the hypnosis. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And dude, this show is hypnosis. It's making them cool. That's the whole... Have you ever done that? I've never done hypnosis. Because they do it for like eating and stuff. That'd be sick, actually. Dude, if someone could hypnotize me... What if it backfired? I eat more? Yeah, just like you take over a Cinnabon with a gun. I'm in a fugue state. I'm like, give me pastries! Let's finish this guy's call. We can talk about that fanciful scenario later.
What did he just say? Go back a little bit. I want to hear this pathetic loser. A neighbor. I'm pretty sure she likes me too just because the way she interacts with me. She's excited to see me. She asked for my number. Okay. And she even asked, like, one time my sister came to visit and she was asking me who this woman was. Oh, she was jealous. She wanted that prick. And...
So I'm like, okay, I think she likes me too. The problem is I still have like six months on this lease. And I think it's a really bad idea to like shit where you eat. Oh, come on, man. Don't shit in her pussy. Anyways, thank you for taking my call and God bless Albania.
God bless Albania. The problem is... Now we know why this guy's a loser. Hold on. You guys are right. This guy's a loser. He just said, God bless Albania. Why? Dua Lipa is from the... Yeah, but everybody's got, you know, one hot-ass woman in their country. Oh, the Gal Gadot of Albania. Hitler at his biscuit, guys. Yeah.
That is so true. This guy is a loser, and I hate him. She asked for your number. Just have sex with her, dude. You gotta keep it twisted, man. Right? That's an important thing to do. Just keep it twisted. Keep it twisted and fuck this lady. Did these not make you angry? What? These quests, because it seems like all of them are like, yeah, I want to get pussy, but I don't really. Yeah, I mean, this guy in particular, it's like, who are you kidding, bro? Yeah.
Oh, your sacred apartment? This woman's hot as shit. She's made enough small talk with you. He only has six months left on this lease. That's the other thing. Six months? How bad could it go in six months? What does that mean, you fucking idiot? Yeah, just get pussy. Keep it twisted and fuck this lady. Just keep it twisted.
I mean, you're really not keeping it twisted. You're betraying the ideals of a twisted tea drinker. Twisted tea is about keeping it twisted, having a good time. Yeah, you got six months on the lease. Whatever, man. Have sex with this lady. Don't be a coward. So she showed me her pussy and I'm not sure if that means...
Yeah. One way or another. She spread it open like this, like with her two fingers, but I don't know what that means because she saw my sister one time. What are you talking about, you fucking idiot? Well, he was saying that the sister...
He's insinuating that the girl is jealous. Or asking him who the woman was. Literally, it could be the Joker, one. Like, he could be just fantasizing. He could be fantasizing. And if you are the Joker, don't keep it twisted. Don't kidnap this woman. Don't show up in her apartment. It depends on which Joker. You know, if it's the Jack Nicholson Joker, I'd say go for it. But he's not charming enough to be the Jack Nicholson Joker. You don't know that.
of that. This guy? He could look like him. Maybe that's it. Maybe she's like, oh my God, is that Jack Nichols? No, this guy's definitely fucking Joaquin Joker. Not even close. Because he's not even cool enough to be the weird Heath Ledger. No, Heath Ledger's the man, but who's the other one? Jared Leto. He's not even like sexy enough to be the weird Jared Leto Joker. 30 seconds to bust. 30 seconds to bust, yeah. You know what he could do? Get her evicted. Oh, smart. And
And then have sex with her. That would be keeping it pretty twisted. That would be the ultimate twisted move. So you got a couple options, pal. And look, whatever you do, take this gal out. Call 911 on her. No, don't. Take her out for a nice, refreshing, twisted tea brewed with real iced tea. Leave her gas on. Don't do that. Actually, leave a 12-er with a big old suitcase that's twisted outside of her apartment and write a little note on the top that says,
Keep it twisted. No, don't do that. That doesn't really follow the ideals of the Twisted Tea Corporation. That's from my job.
That's not twisted. I thought that was the twisted part. You got to keep it a little twisted. Twist that up like my dick in your ass and it's twisted. Still too twisted. Keep it twisted. Just get her. How about this? Just share a nice twisted tea with her and fuck her. That's twisted enough. No, no. Don't do anything that's dangerous. I like Nick's plan. I'll start fucking guys instead. Maybe, yeah. Yeah, okay. Okay, all right.
I don't know why that would work on her, but yeah, you can try it. This is your last chance.
Nick says leave a note. I say call the police. Say she's going to keep it twisted. Don't do that either. And Stas says what? Share a twisted tea with her? I say, yeah, Aldous is making notes of what to bleep out. I say get a nice high school twisted tea with her. Don't forget. Keep it twisted. All right. Wow. Is that you? Yeah, that's me. Have you ever seen that clip of that McLovin guy?
Yeah, yeah. Damn, son. Where'd you find this? It's fake. It's fake? I just re-watched that movie. So funny. Yeah. Oh, my God. Superman? So classic. Irish soul singer? Yeah, yeah. All right. So we helped that guy out. He was kind of a coward. That wasn't that good of a twisted question. I hate him. You kind of fucked up there. But what else we got, man? Bobby Eldest guest. What?
Thank you. Okay.
that came through. I remember that guy. I'm not stupid enough to sit here and say... On that episode, Sagalow was insisting it's not wrong to fuck your employees. He was like, well, this isn't the entertainment industry. What's the point of being... But also, it is the entertainment industry. No, no, he meant like, if you own a diner, you should be able to fuck your waitresses. I mean, listen, guys. Brandon Sagalow has employed thousands of people. His name is Brandon. He called him Brandon. Brandon. Brandon.
You said Brandon. I didn't say Brandon. You did. You definitely said Brandon. No, I didn't say that. It's tape. It's recorded. So we'll know. But go ahead, Elders. Let's finish this, guys. How do you fuck your employees? I'm not stupid enough to sit here and say, Hey, Stavi, give me permission to dangle a raise above these bitches' heads. Stavi, give me permission. That's what they're here for. I'm not that stupid. I know fucking employees would be messy. I don't even have any employees. Okay.
But I do want advice on the other half. Full of context, I'm 26 years old. I just got out of a two-year relationship. I manage a lodge in a national park, pretty big national park that is 3.5.
hundreds of thousands of people each year. Our high season is coming up. And I'm just looking, how do I clean up on these women that come through here? Yeah, I change my mind. Doge is a good idea. We don't need national parks anymore. This guy shouldn't...
Stop being paid by the fucking Department of the Interior, I don't think. Yeah. Stop. You are a philosopher king. Yeah. These people want your permission. Yeah, that's what I'm here for, man. That's so cool. Yeah, dude. You fucking interviewed Neil deGrasse Tyson and now I do philosophy. We split off into our true passions. I made him kiss me. I sexually assaulted Neil deGrasse Tyson. How does he like a little bit? Takes his own medicine. Yeah, after what he did.
He really is like a giant nerd. After it ended, he was like trying to do wrestling moves on me. He like picked me up. I'm like, the fuck are you doing? That's all. It's so funny because he's another guy that'll come up on like YouTube shorts. And half of the time he's being Anthony Cumia is edited out of it. He was like a mainstay on the Cumia show. Yeah, on that first year that Cumia like hadn't really like.
It was weird because it was his... Everyone knew what Kumi was about. He had gotten disgraced for... No, even on... Maybe he was on, but the very next guest would be that fucking Irish guy that wrote those books about black crime. Gavin McGinnis? No, no. There's another guy. His name was Colin, I don't know, McFadden.
or something. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, that was his name. Yeah. He was wearing a little newsy cap. Yeah, yeah. Talk about. Did you know that fucking 10 white girls got beat up by blacks last year? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, no, I didn't know that. And it's like, that's because you're not doing the research. Yeah. I just don't care. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, it was so funny because he was a huge Kumia guy. Yeah. He would be on Kumia all the time. It's very fascinating. Go ahead. So this guy's trying to fuck people. Go ahead. Let's finish this call.
I just got out of that long-term relationship, like I said. That was my second one that I've had. The first one was a five-year one. I haven't been single that long. I had some years in college where I cleaned up pretty good. I'm looking on advice, how to clean up with these women around here. We have a bar that's attached to our lodge. I bought it for four nights a week. We are so remote. We're an hour away from the town. Not much to do.
This guy might be Jack Allison. That's true. That's true. Here's my penis. Yeah. This is a creepy question. Yeah, dude. I mean, like, how do I make the women... We're so remote as the detail is crazy. It's like it's always sunny, the implication. Yeah. We're so remote. How do I get him a couple drinks, get him back to my room? We're so remote. Women really like you should cover yourself in honey and go outside the lodge. Yeah.
Go out into the woods and wait for the women to come. Yeah. I actually read an article that horny women love when a guy is covered in honey and smoked salmon.
Look, bro, if something happens and a woman takes the initiative, but this is still weird and wrong to be like... Don't you have a boss also that says you can't... Yeah, like, they don't want you to try and fuck the customers at this remote lodge. Remote is crazy. If you're fucking bartending, you hit it off with somebody that's like...
you know, fucking camping or whatever the fuck. And they want to, and they kind of make it clear. They want to fuck you. You have to completely take somebody else's lead. You don't want, you know, yeah, you don't want somebody, you know, tweeting at the 19 year olds that Elon has, uh,
To be like... This guy tried to... Actually, if you said this guy tried to fuck me, they might give you a raise. Yeah, they... But... They burn down yellow stuff? Yeah, yeah. They're like, oh, we can make so much money if we chop down this forest and sell the wood. This is another government inefficiency. Yeah. You know, like... But yeah, you don't want... You don't want to get fired for trying to fuck everyone who comes through your weird little lodge, bro. Just...
It's your fault you took a job in a remote place. You can't be trying to fuck the women that just want to see nature. But you might. I mean, I don't know. Some of these girls might be on vacation. They might want to fuck. Yeah, I guess it does seem like the women that would go there on their own would be those weird, smelly, home birth ladies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you catch them before they're in home birth, when they're young, they're on their way to becoming those women. Just very long breasts. Yeah.
Yeah, not fat, but have fat. They call their pussies their yoni. Very vascular forearms. Kind of naughty women. Yes, yes, yes, absolutely. Strong joints. Yeah, you might be able to fuck some of them, but you can't...
How do you make this your go-to? You can't. You just have to put the vibe out. You can't be weird and creepy. Because the second they sense like, oh, this guy got this job to try and fuck us in this remote corner of fucking Idaho or wherever the fuck you are. But stop, don't forget, he had years in college where he cleaned up pretty good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great piece of evidence. And if you want to get pussy, you shouldn't be the bartender at a remote cabin.
Like, if you want to get pussy, go to a major city, be the bartender there. You know what I mean? Yeah, take their time there to, like, take a taxidermy course and come back to Brooklyn with those skills. Right. Yeah. And then you can clean up financially. Right. You know what I mean? You make them little, what, raccoon pelts? Yeah, something like that. So far, the first guy is a great guy, and these last two I hate. Okay. Next, Eldis. There's not much. That one wasn't. There wasn't much there, but don't, yeah, don't be a creep at the bar.
Although if you work at a national park that we're going to be around, although it's April, we probably missed them. I'm trying to go hiking on this tour.
Hey Stav, hey Eldest, big fan of the pod, I'm on the Patreon. Thank you brother. Love to stand up for years, yada yada yada, hello esteemed guest, all that stuff. I'm going to try to get to the point as you like to keep it. I am an aspiring creative, my whole life I've really been into performing, art t-shirt, all that stuff, I just kind of always had an inkling to do that.
I'm now 25 years old. I think, you know, I'm holding down a decent job. I've got a good place with a couple of friends. I'm in a relationship, all that stuff. But yet, for some reason, I'm still depressed as shit and I can't get any of my personal projects done. I had to deal with like some really bad grief early on in life.
was born with a myriad of mental health issues. None of us know what that's like. An upward battle. But I guess I was just wondering if you had any advice for when you're just kind of a fat, depressed, unmotivated piece of shit. Like, I just, I have so many ideas for, like, projects that I want to work on. But I just, with everything else that's going on in life, it's still hard to... You can't...
To find the gumption and the time and the energy to do that while also maintaining like, you know, an adult life. Well, there's your problem. He has a girlfriend. I know. Any advice for me? Appreciate you. Love you. All that stuff. Bye-bye. Yeah, I mean, you could start a podcast that actually becomes successful by accident. Yeah, you could be friends with Nick. That works for fucking all of us. I mean...
At the end of the day, dude, I hate to give you some tough love here. Yeah, you just got to do it. You have to pick one thing and do it. Just fucking do the thing. Ideas mean nothing. And also, you're never going to be happy. Everyone has fucking ideas. Yeah, you're probably not going to be as happy as you want to be, but you will be happier if you're working on something. And you have to do something that...
The flow of the work makes you fulfilled, even if it never works out. Right. Like when I was, you know, whatever, before I moved to New York and I was just doing open mics, I just love the process of working out a new bit of like fucking doing it. And it's like, even if I had come and when I moved to New York, I was like, even if I fucking flame out, I'll always do stand up because I like doing it. Like it does something for me. Right. Right.
You got to find something like that and not think about making it. Just think of like in terms, not think about being successful. You just have to work on something. That's really all there is to it. And don't expect it to make you happy. Just expect to just keep working. Yeah. And in many ways you have, I mean, you have, it's, if you have an adult life where you have, you know, some friends, a girlfriend, like I don't fucking have, you know, I don't have a fulfilling home life.
Yeah, you can fucking, yeah. You can become a bartender at Yosemite. You could be like, do you want to get out? Yeah. Because there's a way out. There's a guy there. I think you might be a lot happier if you kill him. Yeah. And I hear there's a bartender at Yosemite that called you a pretty big fucking loser. We don't even know that it's Yosemite. He just fucking, this guy does listen to you and he kills just any bartender. I'm like, hey, Ian. Yeah.
I got a ticket to Yosemite. I have this extra, I heard there's a lot of gay guys that are attracted to bartenders. So I got you a shirt that says, I'm the bartender. Yosemite. And the ticket is, you leave today and you come back, well, there's no return ticket. We're shooting a prank show. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I've hidden cameras rigged up everywhere. You just have to be the bartender at Yosemite. Yeah.
Killian. Killian finance. You'll feel a lot better. Yeah, you might, man. Yeah, dude, who gives a fuck? Just, you gotta start fucking working. And also, the age you're at, that's adorable to feel that way. Yeah, totally. A lot of guys don't even figure out that they want to be a talk show host until they're 42 years old. Yeah.
A lot of people don't try for the first time in their life until they're 35 years old. Well, again, I would say 38. Well, I started trying at 35. Not really. It changed everything. Not really. Yes, it did. 37. No. No. No. It wasn't 35. 36. No. You can't erase my age. No. I started trying at 36.
Yeah, so... We'll call it 38 to be safe. I'm not 38. Actually, is this out in April? Yeah. I'm 38 years old. Yeah, dude. Honestly...
It sucks to hear, but you just have to do stuff. Yeah, just do stuff. And you're going to be bad at it at first, but it doesn't matter. Just keep making things. We've all been depressed. I have definitely been and am fat. Nick was fat. Adam never was fat. I've had issues with bulimia and the rest of your nervosa.
Yeah, he can't stop gagging and throwing up on the cob. That's not believable. He has a shallow throat, so he's never held down meals. Because he's been sucking dick twice a day for his whole adult life. And he fucking gags on even the smallest dick. Inherited trauma from the Holocaust.
Okay, so we all have problems. Adam's really persevered. But yeah, everyone, at the end of the day, dude, there's so many people who are depressed and think of themselves as creatives. You're not until you do something. We hate to give you the tough love, but that is just fucking true. You just got to do stuff. Also, like being something doesn't add anything to your life. Right. It's like doing it. A lot of people don't.
I mean, they don't make the distinction of doing and being. Right, right, right, right, right. So they're like, oh, I want to be a writer. It's like, well, you have a fucking laptop. Yeah, just do it. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.
Don't be attracted to it because of whatever you have imagined is the prestige of being considered something. Just do the fucking thing. Whatever your... Pick one project, start working, brother. And that will be your salvation. But also, you still might be depressed. Be ready for that. And it's not going to make you happy. What it's going to do is you're going to just get better at something. But if... I mean...
It does help a little bit It helps to be occupied But it also helps And driven I think it helps to see yourself Make progress in something Correct You know what I mean
Alright, what else we got? Little Elders with a little ass nuts. Hi folks, I was just a hole in child's butt. I was going to make this short and now I'm not making it short. Anyways, love you guys so much. So my husband is so recently back on the dating scene, enjoying myself. It's been great, like been meeting a lot of great guys, having a lot of fun. This is a cool chick.
Kind of a sensitive question, I guess. I don't really know how to phrase this. So obviously we kind of know about the concept of like, gooners and guys... Arsenal. Arsenal. Shut up. No, not Arsenal. Guys beating they dick.
Gooners and guys that just been with us. What is it? What's a gooner? Is it different from edging? No, it's just guys who beat off all the time. Okay, but it's not like... It's like beating off obsessively or something. Yeah, but it's not edging. I thought it was... No, no, gooners aren't edging. They're busting. But they're just beating... It's like guys who just are addicted to pornography. So many more young bros are. Yeah, gay pornography. Okay.
In Adam's case, gay porn. Jewish, gay, what? Just you. You, basically. I don't watch porn anymore. You and the guy, yeah. You don't? No. It doesn't work. It's too contrived.
You're like, why is there a woman in this? This is so unrealistic. This is contrived. Where are the guys? There should be a man throwing up after half of a McDonald's hash brown. Why aren't they crying after they bust? Why aren't they crying and calling their fiancé and ask them how their day's going after they bust? Why don't you get hard when you said that? Which is pretty funny, by the way. Which is hilarious. By the way, I'm so funny. Come on.
This is so us. This is so us.
And then also, I'm going to keep saying this is so us. This is so us. I've been trying to get that off the ground. Working, dated. This is so us. And then at one point, I'm going to say, that's so Samantha. That's so Samantha. I've been doing my... That's so you. All right. So, gooners. Okay. She's talking about straight gooners, not Adam-style gooners. And let's go ahead, Elders. Like, gooners and guys that just spend way too much time on Pornhub and consuming too much, like, porn and...
the issues kind of resulting from that, like maybe, like I think like somebody called it like death grip syndrome, like guys are just like beating their shit way too hard when they can't actually fuck. So Ben, doing my thing, and has encountered like a fair amount of guys that literally just, like, I'm not complaining, but like,
They don't ask? What?
Never really had an issue with this like previously but in the last like call it a couple months like I literally Just like not it hasn't been like repeat offenders like I just like I keep seeing it not that I'm like sleeping with that many different guys pause this so that I can't imagine that
Eating pussy and not I mean like Sure every once in a while You just eat pussy And then like Whatever It's like oh I gotta go to work I can't get my dicks But like Someone asking to suck your dick And you don't even let her Do it for a little bit Even if you're not gonna bust Sounds like a great guy This guy sounds like A fucking bitch The board did that on time Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah That's real people They're walking by Eldest I have stood by you From day one
That one wasn't at you. That was at the thought of not asking to get your dick sucked. Yeah, this is great. Especially when you got a girl chomping at the bit to slurp you up. Well, hopefully she's not chomping at the bit. I don't think... Maybe you should stop chomping on it.
On everyone's bed. Yeah, don't go. What was that? What's that little black ball from Mario? Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice, yeah. It's called Beetlejuice? Yeah. Interesting. You said little black. Yeah. Oh, no, I meant the little black ball from Mario that chomps. Oh, it's like chomp-omp, right? Yeah, no, machomp is a... No, it's chomp-omp.
Chain chomp. Yeah, don't go chain chomp on the prick, but I don't think she is. I think she wants to slob on it. Finish up, Elders. Not that I'm sleeping with that many guys, but you know what I mean. It's okay if you are. So that is just kind of like...
What do I like do I do anything do I need to be changing myself? I like don't know like I was fucking this guy and Like he I thought I was having a great time and he like just kind of stops and like hey You mind if I just put on porn to finish what I was like, I mean, I'm not missing no, but like I Don't know you're fucking a 25 year old like like I
What is the issue here? Am I doing something wrong? Did I just stop fucking around? I don't know. Anyways, this is Vicky Long. Love you so much. Bye. This is weird because it's like this is obviously not anything you can control. There's no advice for this lady. It's not get better at fucking. It sounds like a society problem. So unfortunately, and I would really never suggest this to anybody, but it sounds like you need to move to India. Yeah. Might be a good idea. Yeah.
I'm sorry, but you're... I think that's overcorrecting, Nick. I think we're going a little too far. No, they're sitting over there. Why can't we sit over ours? I think you might have to move to India and start fucking Indian guys because they will do... They will just... I mean, it's going to be 10 on 1 as soon as you're coming off the plane. Again, I think that's too... I think that's too extreme a solution here. As soon as you get off that plane, I mean, you're...
You'll never get your pussy eaten again. It's just straight. Oh, how about this? If you're worried about getting your pussy eaten too much, an older Italian guy. A guy who thinks he's in the mafia. Who thinks it's gay to eat pussy. Or black guys. We had to work so hard to find titties when we were like 13. These kids can get out any time they want. This is a dark omen for men of this generation. I'm sad about the kids. Guys, if you're listening, don't put on porn when you fuck a girl. Listen, fellas.
It's their fault, girl. Even if you got it... Put on Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Put on Who Framed... No, dude, I would... As soon as Jessica Rabbit comes on the screen, I'm like... I've done that. I put on Toy Story 3 one time. While fucking? Mm.
Is that the one where they're almost dead? Yeah, that's the part you come at. That's the one where he plays with Andy for the last time? No, I didn't. I actually just stopped and I was like, I want to watch Toy Story 3. And I downloaded it at the time, so it was in Russian and mirrored. Oh, interesting. Yeah, so you had to read the subtitles backwards. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's good. Yeah, I just sat there. You're training your brain for what's important. You just went soft, eating a pussy. No, I was hard. But you wouldn't let her touch it? Yeah, don't touch it.
What's going to happen to Buzz? Yeah, I mean, look. I feel bad for this guy. This is a tough one. This also, selfishly, I'm like, nice. The generation after me is like, they might have disqualified themselves from fucking. You know what I mean? It's like, you just need to, you got to be around non-gooners.
I don't know how you find that. I don't know what's characteristic of a gooner. I feel like everyone is jacking off too much. Yeah, it's just... That sounds like when we were 16 or, like, 15, right? Yeah, like, imagine what we would do if we had access to this amount of pornography when we were, like, younger. It would be bad. Probably fucks your brain. So, yeah, I don't know. I mean... I feel like I would usually say, like, meet people on the apps, use the tools you have available. But in this case, it's, like, maybe the younger generation...
just like really phone obsessed, really like used to the gamify dating. It's like, try to fuck people. I don't know what you're saying. Yeah. She should fuck like a 75 year old man who doesn't know how to use the phone. I mean, just, just yeah. Who's horny. You should date a 75 year old man. You're homeless people. Homeless men. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. But, you know, this is a good point of like, go outside your normal, whatever's going on here, your normal dating pool for whatever reason, we're not sure. Yeah. They're not busting the way they need to. Stop fucking people from discord. Yes, exactly. Yeah. That's what's going on. You need to, you need to go a little bit outside. And at the end of the day though, it's not your issue.
Dating is annoying for a number of reasons. It's usually not guys won't let me suck their dicks and they have to beat off to porn while we fuck. Annoying. It's usually like, oh, that was a waste of time.
You do have to wade through a lot of people to connect to, so you just gotta... And then if you catch... Here's the thing. If you catch some gooner energy here, maybe just be like, all right, figure out a way to filter this out before you fuck these people, probably, because they're not what you want, right? You have to figure out, like, you know, what, you know, culturally... Yeah, if it's the guy wearing an Apple Vision Pro and you can see the pornography...
As he's talking to you at Starbucks. Yeah. Through the lens. Maybe avoid that guy. But man, what an interesting conundrum for our gal to be in. It's not your fault. Don't feel bad about yourself. I like these. These are fun. She seems like a nice girl. She seems nice. She's trying to suck dick and society won't let her. This is Trump's America, dude. You got something? What do you think? Something nice to go out on here, Eldest?
Sure, we can go to kind of a response to a call from a recent Kush Bros. Okay. What was the call? It was about do guys like getting their nipples played? Okay. That's all it does. What do you mean I do? You do. What are you talking about?
Sav also believes in titty fucking as a real thing. Yeah, you know what? That's another annoying thing. You should be able to titty fuck. It's not. It's a fake thing, though. It's not fake. It's cool. If you like tits, it's nice to have tits around your dick. Yeah, but what does it do for the girl?
Oh, it's a take turns situation. And maybe some of them like it. This is because at the time you were dating a woman with smaller tits than Nick and you were trying to fucking pretend you were an ally. Smaller tits than me? Yeah. Smaller tits than Nick. Yeah. At the time.
Yeah, I have. And so you were being a pick me. I remember when I started dating my current girlfriend, you picked me up in the car. I was like, stop. I feel like I'm 13 again. Yeah. I've fallen back in love with who he is. And that disgusted me because you're just a guy with no fucking morals. Nobody. Wherever the wind blows, you pretend is the best thing. Nobody wants to hear about good things happening to you.
Yeah. I have cancer. Also, you were pretending to like tits on some level. I think on some level you like your wife to have smaller tits. If you told me you had cancer, I would say, yeah, it's probably one of the good types. Yeah, you probably have like skin cancer. You'll be out of it. You'll be like, you have like,
I go to a dermatologist's office. You're there for 45 minutes. That happened. You remember that happened? There was like a whole week and a half he was bellyaching about how he had skin cancer. Oh, my God. How many times have you had health panics? How many times have you had health panics? It literally fell off. Which has all been real. Oh, my God. Yes.
Might have all been real. I will say this. I will say this. I've never had skin cancer fall off. I will say this. It was a booger. It was like a dried booger on his hand that he had not... He just wouldn't even wipe it off. I wouldn't even try. Can you imagine having a sore and you don't even try scratching it? I went for a hand booger to the doctor. Well, you also were doing your own dental work. That was wild. I was doing my own dental work. Remember? You were fucking getting those scrapers or whatever. I still use those. The kinds they use at the dental high-end? That's fucked up, dude. I will say this. The hooks? Yeah. Yeah.
Using the hooks on yourself is nuts. Well, look, full disclosure, I'm an older man now. I don't mind admitting when I was wrong. Did not work. I suffer from periodontal disease and I have to get a $400 teeth cleaning every three months. Anyway, let's take... Lewis says that too. I've had multiple medical things where I talk about it and then Lewis reaches out to me. He's like, yeah, dude, I had that too. I'm like, god damn it.
Because they're just bad hygiene things. You have skank mouth? Yeah, no, literally. He's like, I've been doing, like, coconut pulling and xylitol gum and stuff. We both have gum disease. Wow. And then we both have, like, eyelid problems. Oh, wow. Because we'll, like, fucking, like, you know. Wipe your ass. Yeah. I'm, like, sticking my fingers in my eye after my asshole. Yeah.
Fuck, dude. Not me. I've got beautiful health. Let's see what this question about nipples is. Hey, Savi, Elvie, and esteemed guest or guest. Thank you. I'm calling in response to the call from the lesbian on the Kush Brothers episode with Pat Berger and J.P. McDade. Shouts out to legends. February 6th.
I think it was recorded in December, so maybe we'll get this one in June. In April, actually, buddy. Our friend was asking about if men like Mike their nipples played with, and all four of you fine gentlemen responded in the negative, and I am one of the few. It's something that I've known about myself since I was a teenager. I don't know exactly where it comes from.
I like a light touch or a lick. Sometimes you can get a little pressure and a pinch, but not too hard. You know who this guy reminds me of? Who's that? Can you look up the scene from Mars Attacks where they're doing the press conference and one of the reporters asks if the aliens have two sexes? Yeah. This is who this guy is. Good morning. It's nice to see you all again.
I just have a few minutes for questions. What a great movie. The Martians have two. Wow. Can we watch that? Mars Attacks? Yeah. We don't have time. I have to go, too. Yeah. Let's finish up with his nipples and then we're done.
In that comeback, we'll do a Marshall. This guy's got numbers in here. He's got percentages. Let's see what he's got. And a pinch, but not too hard. It is disgusting hearing him talk about this. The only way that I've been able to describe it to other people, and obviously I have no actual insight into this, is I have two clits on my chest. Two clits. It really feels that good. How do you know what a clit feels like? I don't necessarily need it to come, but...
Yeah, it's like a breakfast in the majors. Why did you pick this question, Elvis? People really tell you anything. How is this an update? This guy's nauseating. It's just a guy saying he likes his man. What's the advice? I haven't heard it.
He just called in to let us know. I have two clitori on my chest. Shout out to J.P. McDade. 80% of the time, this guy is disgusting. All right, man, congrats. You like your titties played with a little bit. Just a little insight to an opposing view. Sure. Yeah, yeah. You're always keeping the... There's a forum for discourse. I really hope this guy made the same exact phone call to Washington Journal. Yeah.
Well, there you have it, folks. You guys are not nipples guys, are you? Whatever a girl tells me. I don't even like having sex. Adam's gay. Adam's gay. You're the gay one.
That'll do it, folks. Thanks to Nick Mullen and Adam Friedland. Watch the Adam Friedland show. Come see us on tour. Nick, anything to plug here, my friend? No. The only thing I have on the calendar is I'll be opening for Shane, I guess, in, I don't know, the middle of the summer. All right. Look out for that. That'll be fucking fun. And, yeah, thanks for listening. We'll talk to you next week. Bye-bye. Watch the Adam Friedland show. Adam Friedland.