#125 - Mark Normand
01:49:11 Share

Folks, we have an incredible episode. One of my favorites, Mark Norman coming up right now. But first, I want to let you know that I am coming to a city near you if you live in these specific towns. Indianapolis, Nashville, Louisville, Charlotte, Raleigh. Still tickets available coming this week. We've been on tour for a month and a half and we just thought to start plugging my dates on my podcast. So please come. Still some tickets available. The tour's been great.

The hour is very fun. And now, without further ado, let's kick it to our buddy, Mark Norman. Welcome, everybody, to Stalker's World. 904-800-STALK. Call in. We'll solve all your problems. We have on the couch new father, Mark Norman, in the building. How does it feel, bro? It feels weird. He's not mine. It's Matt Reif. He came out doing crowd work. He had a headset. He came out with a Jaina Jackson mic? Yeah.

Yes, the nurse. How long you been together? What do you do for a living? No, no. It's going great. It's cute. It's gay. It's a little nugget. It's exciting. I'm on no sleep. I want to throw it out the window, but it's exciting. Yeah, that's right. We did a benefit, that fire benefit, right before...

kid was going to get born. Yeah. And that was May, your wife and my, so my brother also had a kid. They went to the hospital the same day. Yeah. And our little guy took a little longer to get to pop out. Oh, yeah. But they're within, you know, your son and my nephew got, they could do joint birthday parties, man. They're like a day apart, you know, which is pretty fun. Yeah, my brother and me are two years apart. My parents are so cheap. They're like, we'll do a joint. Yeah.

Two-year joint. We did have a friend growing up, the mysterious and elusive Big P, who, like, it's just so funny when you can tell how much certain parents care about one sibling more than the other. Right. We had a friend who his brother was born in June or July. I think June. And he was born in August. So it's like...

Summer. Right. It's like same season. Yeah. But it wasn't like let's meet in the middle. It was like when the June guy's birthday was, like on the day, they're like, hey, it's both their birthday parties. And I remember going and being like, and you know, his brother, fucking loser. Right.

You know what I mean? Of course. You know how it is. If you're friends with a younger brother, you're like, your older brother's a piece. So growing up, he was our enemy because he was my friend's enemy. Right. And we go to his, I'm like, first of all, my mom's like, you want to go to his birthday party? I was like, yeah.

I mean, not really. You know what I mean? Like, not really, but whatever. I guess there'll be fucking Pizza Hut there. Yeah, exactly. Or whatever. And then I get there just fully being like, I'm like eight or something, just pumped to be like, this party sucks, but I'm hanging out with my boy, you know. Yeah. And I just go to my friend and he's just like so bummed out. And I'm like, what's up, man? He was like,

this is my birthday party too. And I was like, what? Like, I remember being a little kid and being pissed off at the injustice of it. Right, right. Because it was like, you were probably at that one too. They had the above ground pool. I don't know if I was. I don't know. I don't know if you had, that's right, I keep forgetting. You guys have known each other that long? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy shit. Since we were four. Whoa. Kindergarten.

Oh, I didn't know that. Pre-K. Fucking adorable. Enemies in pre-K. Yeah, enemies in pre-K. We got it together in kindergarten. Well, I was Stav's enemy. I was just a hapless immigrant who didn't even know that I had ire coming from Stav. It wasn't just me. The whole Greek community was against this influx of Albanians. Fuck you.

Albanians are fucking dirty. Let's be honest. You guys smell weird. You steal bread. Hey, come on. His community abandoned him. What happened is he had another Albanian best friend in pre-K. Then that kid moved and Eldis had to fend for himself and we absorbed him into our friend group in kindergarten. Wow, such specific hate. He's Albanian. He's Greek. Yeah.

When I was young, it was white and black. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no. We had very specific Eastern European blood feuds going. That's great. And in fact, the reason you probably weren't at that party is because this particular family literally didn't like Albanians. I'm not even kidding. We've talked about it too much, but he was banned from a friend's house because he was Albanian. Wow, that's crazy. And that was the first moment I was like, wait.

Wait, what? I was like, and I was like confused as a kid because I was like,

Well, I mean, it literally taught me ironic racism. Sure. Because I remember thinking that was so stupid that only, like, a moron would think that, like, my friend couldn't come into his house. Of course. Because you're just a little kid who's like, what do you even mean? Right. We're all friends. Why do we have to go sneak him a Kool-Aid jammer? Yeah. I literally would go in the house to get two Kool-Aids and come out, and we would drink them on the, like, in the fucking backyard. Wow. He was allowed in the backyard. Yeah.

but not in the house. That's crazy. It was so crazy it made you cognizant of ethnic injustice. It made me cognizant of racism and how fucked up it was at like four years old. No, legitimately seven. Like seven is when we started having these thoughts. Wow. You're like a little JFK. You're trying to bring the racism

together. It's adorable. Eventually they caved, slowly but surely. I love them. They love me. It's all good. Now he's been fully accepted. He was probably the person who taught them that racism is wrong. It's like the shittiest Lifetime movie. It's like the shittiest schmaltzy Hollywood movie. It's just, oh, I guess this is just... But the moral is Albanians can be civilized. You can't domesticate an Albanian. Yeah.

If you slow... But anyway, yeah. The key to solving that kind of racism is bring in a darker group. Because once a darker group comes in, then you're like, no, no, we got to stick together, actually. This is way different. That's why Europe's fascinating is because they're so... They're racist against each other. And if you were to just, like, look... Yeah. You'd be like, what do you mean? Like, the Yugoslavian Civil War is crazy. It's Serbians versus fucking, like...

I don't even know. What are the rest of those little countries? But it's like none of us would ever, and they all were like, you see them, it's like Vladi Divac, Luka Doncic. Those guys are technically from different places. You know what I mean? Like just big Serbs. Yeah, yeah.

No, that's crazy. I mean, I'm sure it was probably, it had to be religious, right? It usually is. Muslims versus Christians, that had to be it. I mean, it's the same with Ireland. Ireland has a split in the middle with the religion. Right, right, right. And you're like, you guys are both ugly and drunk and ginger. Get along. Well, one side was sucking on the British's dick. Oh.

Oh, is that what it was? And the other side was like blowing up the fucking... They killed a couple like British pedophiles. Pretty good. Oh, that's cool. Shout out to... We're pro IRA around here. Lizzie's in a box. You know what I'm saying? Up and raw. Up and raw.

I did Vicar Street. You ever done it on Dublin? No, no. Oh, man. Great comedy crowds in Ireland, but I made the mistake of bringing up The Division, and it just ruined the whole show because half the crowd was yelling, the other half was yelling at them. Oh, really? Oh, my God. It was a race war. You just saw red hair going crazy, you know?

And that was like 20 minutes in, so it was a tough hour. That's fucking hilarious. Good to know. Yeah, don't do that. I definitely would have done that. I'm trying. I'm thinking about I want to go to Greece this summer, and I think I want to tag on Ireland. It's great. Because Ireland, London, Amsterdam, do a couple. I really want to work this hour everywhere. Hell yeah. Yeah.

But I didn't realize that it was still like that. It's heavy. Yeah. It's still there, yeah. So be careful. Don't bring it up, but great people. Yeah. Great time. Great fun. Yeah. I love that shit. But anyway, yeah, that's a nice little tangent off of birthdays. I mean, well, what's another one? What's Hotel Rwanda? Yeah.

The Hutus and the Pupus or the whatever it is. Yeah, they're all black, but it's just people can find a way. People find a way, man. People find a way. We don't have to, you know, Hotel Rwanda. I just watched the movie. Eldest just Googles Hotel Rwanda.

Not Rwandan Civil War, the fucking movie about it. I guess genocide, really. Yeah, we've got a Republican-Democrat going on now. We all just find a way to hate each other. It doesn't even have to be color or race or gender. No. Well, gender definitely. Gender's classic. That's a classic. That's never going away. That's a staple. Even when it seems like things are good, it's like, oh no, we're still treating women bad. Right, right. There's never...

It's like we were kind of getting there, I think. And then it's like, now, who's to say? It's getting kind of dicey again. Well, now it's weird because it's like state by state. We're talking abortion. You know, it's like abortions are like weed. You can do it here, but you can't do it here. It's so weird. We got to come together on this. It is fucking nuts that it's just like, oh, great. Now I have to drive eight hours. Yeah.

It's crazy. Yeah, I mean, whatever. Let's borscht the gals up, you know what I mean? You should be able to suck whatever you want out of your pussy with a vacuum cleaner as far as I'm concerned. Well, until you pay, like I've paid, have you paid for one?

ah we can't you know mark we don't gotta get into specifics you knocked up ellis's sister here you can't have an albanian kid yes sir philosophically i would not be opposed all right to paying for one well once you pay for one you're like we need this yeah this chick sucks i'm broke i can't hang out with her anymore that's that's the other the other thing is that like um

so many of the people who don't want to like ban abortions if their daughter got pregnant. Right. Are flying her to fucking wherever the fuck. You know what I mean? Exactly. And you can't tell me

Look me at all these people think we should ban abortion think Trump is the man how many you think he's got under his belt I mean, that's one of the most classic abortion paying guys of all time That's the archetype of yes like he nutted inside of stormy Daniels Who else do you think he nutted inside of really fast? Of course, like you're not there's no way he's there's no way he was a big condoms guy No, I have a golden vacuum Yeah, yeah It's a beautiful vacuum

Yeah, we should get, you know, whatever. Borch the gals up, man. Do whatever the fuck you... I mean, I have a joke about it, but it's like... You know, I'm working on it a bit now, but I'm just like, I really don't even think... Even newborn... You shouldn't kill a newborn, baby. You holding newborn... What a take. Oh, hey, watch out, buddy. You holding newborn, you look at that, then you're like, this is a per... That's not even... Oh, that's a great bit. Even your fucking son right now, it's like, that's not a human. It's half-baked, it's forming. It's a little piece of shit.

It doesn't even open its eyes. You know what I mean? Exactly. It can't do shit. I don't even want to, like, I want to protect my nephew, yourself, whatever, because I know. Yes. You know what I mean? Especially because biologically, it's like, you've been trained to, but it's like,

It's like a teddy. It's like a stuffed animal. It's a bag of flour. Yeah, exactly. But the crazy thing is, this is how fucked up men are. The baby comes out looking like the man. So you don't leave. You're less likely to leave. That's a true thing. Look that up. Give it a goog. I believe it. And that's why I'm like, adopted parents are heroes. If this thing was adopted and it didn't look like me...

I mean, that's going right in the dumpster. Like one cry, one shit, gone. You're going in the incinerator, you fucking quiff. Yeah, no, I totally believe that. Like a caveman. The whole point is you've got to be sure it's your DNA. Yes. It's not about love. It's not about nurturing a fucking soul. It's about making sure your DNA lives on. For who gives a fuck, by the way? It's narcissism. It's crazy that that is...

I mean, it's just like that's who ended up... That's whose DNA gets around is the fucking monkeys or whatever the fuck that wanted, that cared about legacy. Right. The chill monkeys that were like, hey, it's mine, it's not. Well, I'll love it either way. Right. They got cucked to oblivion. They got fucked out of existence. But it is funny. It's like, who gives a fuck about...

your dna living on it's like it should be the same thing it should be the bonds you form yes with the with whoever whatever little lump of shit over time as it grows over time but yeah exactly there is just something in your head that can't yeah and you can't fuck with biology like i know it's a hack thing but the you give the baby to the woman and the baby's happier yeah she knows what to do exactly it's feeding off her tits right now yeah yeah and i i'm very interchangeable

Totally. Like, I just bring money in and eat her out. Yeah. You know, anybody can do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that is the... It is interesting that babies don't even conceive of themselves as not part of their mother... Yes! ...until, like, they're a year old or some shit. Totally. Like, to them...

They are their mom. Right, right. They're a piece of their mom. And you swaddle it because it's like, oh, I'm back in the stomach. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's pretty wild. That is fucking nuts. The last days of being a fucking baby must be crazy. I know. Because you kind of understand what's going on as much as a baby can. Right. But you are inside of a fucking human being. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, then you come out of a vag and he gets slapped and there's fluorescent lights. Yeah, the whole thing sucks. And they can't see shit either. That's the other thing. Don't look at a newborn. They can only see black and white. Right. They're like racists. No nuance. Four-day-old baby does not understand the nuances around the edges. It is crazy, too, that it's like 2025 and we still do the nine months, live in the stomach. That feels so primitive. Like, we have hair transplants and LASIK and all that.

but we still have to do like this. When it comes to birth, we're still Amish. Totally, totally. At the end of the day, it's crazy. We haven't figured that. We got Uber Eats. Yeah. But we still do this primitive caveman baby belly thing. You should be able to like, you nut inside. First of all, I am a marvel of science. I've said it before. I'm in vitro. I'm a test tube. Oh, is that right? Whoa. So we've gotten to the point where you can get it started, but we still have to put, like I was at some point,

in a little fucking test tube. Wow. And they put jizz in an egg and that was me. Yeah. And then they had to put it back into my mom. So it's like, we've gotten to the point where we can fertilize the thing, but a woman has to grow it. Exactly. You'd think we'd be able to get a little fucking, like, you know, a little, get a little grow light, get a little, you know what I mean? Like there's gotta be a tank. Actually we should, this is, we're just talking about growing humans. Yeah.

in vats. Yeah, right. And that's what's going to happen is it's like, you know, rich people are just going to be able to get whatever organ they want. That's true. Instead of a shoulder replacement, it's like instead of putting metal in it, they're just like, they would just have clones of you ready to go. It's a 3D printer for babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for the kidney. Pfft.

Yeah, exactly. See you in hell, Eldest 2. The sequel's always worse. Eldest kills five of his clones to stitch together one penis. That would be a nice way to get a bigger dick. Little meat in the middle, your own dick. Exactly.

What are you doing today? Ah, I'm growing a dick. I can't hang out. It's springtime, folks. You know what time that is?

Sit on a deck and have a nice little beverage weather. And there's no beverage I like to have more on a deck on a sunny day than a twisted MF&T. That's right. My year of sobriety is over and I'm sucking down twisted teas like you wouldn't believe. They're delicious. They're brewed with real iced tea. They go down smooth. 5% alcohol by volume. Got different flavors. I'm a raspberry guy. I'm a peach guy. What can I say? I like a little extra sugar in my drink, baby. If you want to be like me,

A fun hunter that's out there looking to have a good time on a, it doesn't even have to be a weekend. Hey, call out of work, drink a twisted tea on your porch. That's what I'm telling you to do.

the advice of Star Wars Haggis is not legal you don't have to don't fucking listen to what the fuck I say just fucking have a twisted tea you fucking piece of shit that's a that was a quick little our lawyer stepped in and told that one so have a twisted tea it's it's springtime it's coming into summertime I know you like twisted teas don't you Mark yeah you heard it from us folks for me and Mark if you want to be like us

Crack open a delicious Twisted Tee and remember, keep it twisted. I know you mean it. And it's also pretty, you think about how scary it is now and how much shit can go wrong now. It's crazy that anyone was born

I know. Until 100 years ago. I know. It's like the Middle Ages. Like a wolf could come up and steal your kid or bandits or cold weather, whatever. Yeah, just something could go wrong. Like C-sections just didn't exist. I mean, I think they did exist. I mean, they're named after fucking Caesar. But there's no way they were as fucking foolproof as they are now. Of course. Of course. A lot of women died, too. Yeah, and women died constantly in childbirth. It is just...

It is fuck... I wonder, humans, naturally, what our rate... Although, I guess this happens in animals, too. It's like animals will routinely have a litter of duds and just be like, oh, well, guess I got to eat these. Yeah, right. And then get fucking cream-pied to get a new one going. Well, speaking of cloning and the 3D printer, I mean, that's kind of what the old folks did back in the day. They're like, we need nine kids because we got a farm. Three are going to die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll fuck one. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I fuck the hottest one. Either me or I'll trade it to the mayor for first dibs on a choice lot at the farmer's market. Right, exactly. I got to grow wheat. No, you're right. It was like, I guess part... And yeah, you would just factor in that some of them just died. Yeah, I have it all the time. And I guess...

If that happens to you all the time, loss can't fuck you up as much, right? True. You have to be, like, numb to it. A little more numb, for sure. You know what I mean? Where it's like, if you live in a... Now, like, there's a lot more... I mean, then there was more tragedies. Like, life was just a tragedy. Yeah. And so it's like...

I guess you get why people were so fucking abusive. Maybe that's not right. Maybe, like, they were all abusive. They all fucking hit each other. Yeah. There was just more ugliness, I think, going on. Way more ugliness. But everything went away, too, because, like, you did something horrible and people just kind of ate it. They weren't like, let me tweet about this. Right, right, right. They just dealt with it. Yeah. And so I think people were a lot stronger back then. You either let it destroy you or you fucking, you know, committed a murder secretly. Right, right. You know, you could get revenge and then just,

If you lived in Tulsa, you could move to Kansas City and be like, my name's actually Jack Swanson. I don't know anything about the guy who killed his whole family in Tulsa. Yeah, new life. It's just like you would move like...

What today is like a drive. Right. Like you would just fucking get a horse together. Yeah. Ride it for five hours and be like. Ted Bundy killed a lady in Utah, took a bus to Florida, and he was just like a furniture salesman or something. He was just living a new life. Then he killed a bunch of women there. Then he moved to like D.C. or whatever. Fucking wild, dude. Yeah, it was easy back then. Yeah, goddamn.

I do think we've gone too far. Like, you know, obviously those times were horrible and the beat the wife days and kill your kid days. But now we're like on Yelp. You know, now we're like the restaurant was drafty. So we've definitely gone too far complaining. Too much salt.

I have probably been sadder about an over salt. Like, I ruined some crab. I made some crab cakes a couple weeks ago. Okay. And instead of the little, like, you know, instead of the right, on the salt pourer, the big flap opened. Oh, the flat one, yeah. The big flap opened. And in my hubris, I thought, it hasn't ruined the crab cakes. I'll make them anyway. Take a bite of the crab cake.

And by the way, you know what sucks? I nailed all the consistency. And I did it healthy, right? Yeah. There was no mayo. There was no breadcrumbs. I did it with eggs and a little bit of panko. And I got it to go just right. The consistency tasted like a real crab cake. The salty. But I nailed everything but the salt. Yeah. And it was like a healthy meal that felt like a treat. Yep. I probably was more annoyed that day. Exactly. Than like a guy who lost his wife in a fire. Yeah.

In 1840. Exactly. Yeah, you're right, dude. You're right. We have gone too far with what is considered a tragedy. Yeah, I love you sticking to the roots, though. Baltimore, crab cake. Yeah, I love crab. That's great. Well, I'm trying to eat healthy. I'm trying to get ready for this tour. Crab meat, incredible macros.

Love crab meat. It's very expensive. That's the one thing about being rich. I get to just do shit like, you know, it's like a little tub that in the, you know, back in the day, it's like... It's like $19 or something. No, it's like more, dude. It's like fucking 25, yeah, 30 bucks, whatever. And I'll just fucking smash a third of that

Woo! A day. That's so good. It's so good. You eat it with a fork. Yeah, you eat it with a fork. Very high protein, very low calorie. I'm trying to keep my protein up. About to hit the fucking... Well, we're on the road. This is recorded a little ahead of time, folks. We're in the midst of the Dreamboat Tour now. Come see me. Hopefully, I haven't fallen off the wagon. Hopefully, Eldis isn't shaking me awake in my bunk. Huh.

There's a bunch of fucking Snickers wrappers viking in around me. He relapsed. Turn his head sideways. I,

I pass you a weed pen at 745 in the morning after we had a speed bump. You need your rest, Stav. You need your rest. The people, this half-filled theater in Bakersfield isn't going to entertain itself. Yeah, I don't know why my agent put Bakersfield on. I cannot sell a fucking ticket to sell my life. If you're some of the white trash that lives in Bakersfield, come on out. We're going to raffle off one of those Cookie Monster hats.

and a month's worth supply of White Monster. That's how we're going to get the people of Bakersfield out there. Free corn CDs for everyone who buys a ticket to Bakersfield. Free orange Crocs. The wrong town burned.

But yeah, no, but I do like, you know, I keep it. There is a soft spot. I feel like the older, you know, the general hypothesis I have is like when you're young, you want to get as far away as possible from where you came from. And then this is the beginning. I mean, look, I'm not dying, but this is the beginning of realizing, okay,

You did what you could. Right. You can't, what am I going to fucking like try and become better forever? Right. I made, I did better than anyone in my family ever has. You're doing great. I like Baltimore enough. I'm not going to, you know, I like New York too, but so it's like, I'm kind of returning to my roots a little bit where it's like,

Go back to Baltimore a little bit. Make a crab cake. I love it. You know what I mean? My family's there. I used to have this fantasy of moving my whole family to New York. That's never going to fucking happen. No. A little buffer is good, I think, too. Buffer's good, yeah. Also, talking about how well you're doing, for a test-tube baby, you should be like the poster child. You're killing it.

Also, I love the idea of you with a test tube, like a tiny Hawaiian shirt with brown glasses. Just mashed into it. Right. Doctor, we couldn't have gotten a bigger test tube? Oh, there's Stavros. Louise Brown, some British bitch, was the first one in 1978, apparently. Oh, there you go. According to Eldis. Nice. Wow, that's bullshit. I grew up with another test tube baby who claimed he was the first batch. Oh, yeah.

And that was ten years after this lady. Your story's getting thinner and thinner, man. I thought I was in the second batch in America. Well, maybe I was in America, actually. But no, if the fucking British could do it, we could fucking do it. Hell yeah. Fuck you, you limey pricks. Fuck you.

Yeah. So you're really in the throes of it, but what about the crushing pressure of another human life depending on you? It's hard, man. It's hard. It's scary. For you of all people, of all the people in my life I know, I'm like, they're not built for that. But hey, look, this is how I agree, but my thing is crackheads and retards have kids. Yes.

So that's a good thing. That keeps me going through the day. Nice baseline. Yeah. Nice baseline. The hardest part of it, you know, the shitting, the screaming, the no sleep, but the hardest part is waking up in the morning because you get like, oh, I got a couple hours sleep. I feel pretty good. And then, wah, and you're like, oh, we're doing this all again. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God. It's Groundhog Day. You know when you just want to lay there for 30 more minutes? Sure. Well, I get a couple more winks, that shit's over, and you're just back in boot camp. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like living with a celebrity. I'm like J-Lo's assistant. She's cranky.

cranky. She wants to eat. I got to get the right outfit. Is she cold? You know, so it's fucking hard, but boy, when that thing is sleeping on your chest with his butt, you're patting it and you can hear his little snorting. That's nice. It's pretty fucking great. Okay, okay. So that part is nice, but just the, you know what, you know, we're walking down the street, me and the wife with the stroller and you see younger people walk by you and they kind of have that like, ooh, sucks for this guy. I remember being that guy. Now I'm the stroller douche. Yeah.

You know, I'm the guy like, oh, I got the bottle down here. I got the pampers over here. And we went to a brewery, had a couple drinks at the beer garden. But then there's like young people screaming. We're like, we got to go. It's too loud. And you're that guy now. I'm looking for schools, which sucks that I'm not allowed near them. You know, it's hard, but it's a shift. Yeah. I mean, but that is good. I mean.

You should be that guy. Sure. Because what are the alternatives? Yeah, exactly. You know what I mean? That's the thing that's... That's the crushing reality that I'm faced with now where I'm like, you know... I mean, I like... Obviously, being an uncle is not anywhere near being a dad. Right, right. But it is the thing... It's the first time I've ever been like, oh, this is a new person who's like life...

I'm going to be... It's almost like I used to be like, fuck global warming. I'm not having fucking kids. And then you realize, well, people you care about will be on Earth. You know what I mean? I had this stupid thought of if I don't have kids, it just ends with me. When in reality, it's like there's so many people younger than you and there's so much shit that you want to help out. And this is like a baby whose life I'm going to...

you know, help mold or whatever. And then I'm like, all right, uncle's cool. But then just thinking about being a guy who just is perpetually single. Exactly. And especially in entertainment, you see it. Oh, we can name names. You can pretend. Yeah. Yeah. Check out the roast of anyone. No.

Well, no, you're so true. And people think your life is over, but like, look, Bill Burr is thriving and Chris Rock has a couple of kids. But that's what it's like. It's not only that it's not over. It's like, this is sort of what it's a, this is part of it, right? Like,

We liked one part of life. I think both me and you were like... We had a great time. We had a great 20s through... That 20 to 40. Tons of gas. Tons of drugs. Tons of traveling. Tons of success with shows and audiences and TV, whatever. But you can't keep that going forever. No. It's also the realization that you can't keep that going forever. Then it's like, well, what are the... Then it's like, if you can't... You shouldn't want to. And then it's like...

Being a part of the next generation should be what that next 20 years is. 40 to 60 is like you can be an active...

you know, shepherding in a, whoever comes next, help them out. Yeah. And then, you know, 60, 60, 60 to 70, the little twilight of being a useful person, 70 to 80, like unless you're Dick Van Dyke, who's still tap dancing at fucking 102 years old. That's true. Yeah. Like it's, you know, then you're fucking old as shit. Then, then my plan is to, you know, really just be fat as shit. Like if you think I'm fat now,

I'm going to have one awesome year of my 70s. Just fat as shit in a rocking chair. Right. Whittling, eating all the apple pie I want. You know what I mean? You just eat like Trump. Yeah. Just get McDonald's every night and taco salads. Trump really is like an example because he doesn't drink. That's true. He really is an example of like, damn, maybe I shouldn't drink.

I know, because he's still kicking. Because he's the least healthy looking, like, he looks like shit. And, like, what it's, the worst thing that happened to Trump is that Biden, he doesn't, he can't compare himself to Biden anymore. Right, right. Because he seems fucking senile as shit. Who are we talking? Oh, Trump. Trump now, without the, like, Joe Biden was, like, the nicest comparison point for anyone losing their mind. Right, right.

He's like, look at this guy. I mean, I'm not this guy. And it's like, okay, well, he's, you know, somewhere in Delaware eating fucking Breyers vanilla ice cream. Oh, yeah. And being told it's 1968. Yeah. You know, so you can't compare yourself to him anymore. And it's like, he looks, his mind is definitely going, but it's like,

The fact that he's still even kicking it all. I know. With, like, all the McDonald's and shit. It's crazy. But you don't think making Gaza the Middle Eastern Riviera is a great idea? Oh, my God. I think he's just riffing now. He's just saying shit. Well, that's the thing. He's so clearly just riffing, and he's doing whatever it takes to get his... I think he likes to be very... He likes being popular. He knows his base. Like, I don't even think...

Again, the way it's like he paid for, he's definitely paid for abortion. It's like, does Trump even hate trans people? Probably not. He probably has gone to like drag shows and shit like that. Oh, he's from New York. He's a New York, he's a Queens, New York guy. He's definitely racist. He's definitely, he is homophobic, don't get me wrong. But he doesn't, he's more open-minded because he's a New York guy. Sure. And I think all this shit is just like...

Especially the abortion stuff. He was a mainstream corporate Democrat for years. And then he was just like, you know. He's pro-sex work. Yeah, he puts his money where his mouth is on that one. Is this a crazy statement? Has anyone made this? First blonde president. Give that a goof. I'm just saying. That's a good point. No one has really brought that up. Are there other blondes? I'm sure there were back in the day, but we don't have pictures of them. Yeah, maybe you're right.

Let's figure this out, though. Oh, Andrew Jackson apparently was blonde. Oh, okay, okay. And he was a fucking maniac. He was a wild dude. Yeah, oh, yeah. We got some sandy hair. All right, all right. I take it back. Strawberry blonde, though. I don't see any pure blondes. I mean, Trump is clearly, like, dyed. Dark blonde. Yeah, that's true. Died blonde. Oh.

Oh, okay. Gerald Ford. Oh, but he was bald. He's the only bald guy we had. Oh, weird. Yeah, we only know pictures of all these guys from like late, late. True. Like late in life. Yeah, like George, even George Washington. You can tell Andrew Johnson? Yeah. Probably had some blonde hair. Andrew Jackson, you mean. Oh, Jackson. Andrew Johnson was after, what's his face, got assassinated. Lincoln. Hmm.

Dumbass. Dude, don't fuck with me. AP US History, bro. Sorry. AP US History. I got a five on that exam, dude. Speaking of Biden, you see he got picked up by CAA? Hilarious. What's that about? Just die, you piece of shit. What, are you going to be in a movie? I don't get it. He's probably in some, like...

horrific, like doc self suck documentary. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Something like that. But yeah, it's like, I mean, it's not as embarrassing as fucking Obama making a production company when he left office. Oh, and he made that Julia Roberts movie. Oh, so embarrassing. Do you guys see later daters? It,

It's like a Netflix dating show for older people. It's produced by Michelle Obama. It's actually pretty awesome. So they probably are... Damn, dude. They really are divorced, huh? They are secretly divorced. Michelle's getting her cock pipeline set up on Netflix. She's going to be the real housewives of fucking Washington, D.C. That would be a great show. Melania and Michelle...

Hillary. Hillary Melania Rousseau. Oh, dude. That's a great idea. Fuck, we just wrote a really shitty sketch. That's a great sketch. We just wrote fucking... This is gold. Yeah. Mad TV. He's still around? Let's reboot Mad TV for this one. It would actually be funny if Mad TV did it.

It is funny that Biden went Hollywood because he was almost replaced by a black woman. He's like the new mermaid. He's the mermaid. He should say that. He should say he got canceled. If Biden came out and said he got canceled and that wokeness made them choose a black woman, he would be fucking Trump's VP tomorrow. They'd be like, they kicked me out because you're woke.

That's pretty good. It's not, dude. You just have to fucking mumble and sound like you're in pain. Fellas, April's here, but this ain't no time for fooling, baby. It's time to let those thighs breathe. Get the gams out. Show off your calves. Show off your musculature. You've been doing squats all winter. Show them off with Chubby's beautiful shorts.

Maybe you're not a shorts guy. Couldn't be me. Bright polos that demand attention. Check. The thighs. Thigh shorts. Double check. Triple double check. Hitting the pool or the beach. I love the classic lined swim short by Chubbies. I've said this before on other reads. I've been a fan of Chubbies...

before I even was doing, honestly, I was in college and I was purchasing Chubbies. I've always enjoyed their products. They have bright, cool patterns. You know, I'm a peacock and fat guy. I'm not one of these fat guys that hides in the shadows. I lead with my, with my gut and my fat little delicious thighs. Be like me. It's, it's given me a lot of success in life. And Chubbies has done that, has,

provided before anybody else was given swagged out clothes for the fat community. Chubby's was there for me with two XL five inch inseam shorts,

do it. Just, it's springtime. Show them off. Don't be scared. Your body's beautiful. Okay? They like that type of thing out here these days. So, whether it's the original stretch shorts, performance polos, or Chubby's classic line swim collection, grab something. Grab something to look good this spring into the summer. Whether you're getting dressed for your work day, a workout, or a weekend getaway, Chubby's has you covered for a limited time. Chubby's is giving hour of

Our viewers, 20% off your order with our code StavisWorld, S-T-A-V-I-S-W-O-R-L-D at ChubbyShorts.com. That's code StavisWorld at ChubbyShorts.com. Support our show and tell them we sent you. Don't blend in with the crowd. Stand out with Chubby's. Yeah, I mean, are you thinking about like, are you just, is it just day at a time when you have a newborn? But it's like, how far ahead is,

Do you have like, you know, it doesn't seem like you're the type of guy who wants his son to be a fucking quarterback. No, I don't think so. But do you have any thoughts about like, when you daydream about what having a kid, because you must be, you can't help it almost. Yeah, of course. You have a baby, you start thinking about what's this kid going to be like. Yeah. Have you had any like of those initial? Oh, yeah. I want him to be a nerd. I want him to be like a book kid. We're doing no phones. We're doing all that. We'll stay along that line. I know, I know.

And he's growing up in Brooklyn, so he's going to have a lot of diverse friends and see the world and all these resources. So, yeah, hoping for the best. But right now it's day at a time. It's all scheduling. I got a pod. Then I got a show. Then she's got a pod. Then she's got a friend thing or whatever. So that's where we're at now. Oh, this fucking guy is going to be gripping an iPad so you can do a spot. Yeah.

That's true. This kid's going to be fucking eating fucking tahini at the fucking olive tree. Here's two girls, one cup. Just hang here.

I gotta come do a new bit. Give him rice. You just go to the waitress at the fucking cellar. Like, just give him a little rice. Yeah, yeah. Keep an eye on him. They could start having daycare there. Oh, that's a good point. You know, upstairs where the studio used to be. Yeah, that's true. Where the YKD, WD studio used to be. They do a baby podcast. You and Joe's son should just start fucking, you know, Tuesdays with Stories babies. That's brilliant. The way they had Muffin babies. Yeah.

Just set those little cocksuckers up there. We got Chris D's kids. We got all the Greers. It's like 74 kids. Yeah, that's not bad. Half of them are the waitresses. Two birds. True. Yeah, child care. Let's get it going. That's not bad. Nice. A nice little nerd, huh? Stay out of trouble. Keep his nose clean. Yeah, exactly. I want like a nerdy, introverted book kid who likes insects. Stuff like that. That's what I'm hoping for.

Did you have any fascinations when you were a little-ass kid? Well, I was obsessed with skateboarding, but before that, it was all movies. I was just such a movie nut. Really? Even as a little kid? Oh, yeah. Superheroes, too. Superheroes and movies I loved. I made my own utility belt. It had a slingshot in it, some rocks, those little weird popper things you pop on the sidewalk. I had a cape. Yeah, love that, the cape. One time I got...

Oh, man.

And I was like, ah, 31. 17, yeah. And these three kids, like, roughed me up and took my bike, and I ran home crying, and I saw the face paint, and it made it so much worse. Yeah. I mean, to steal the bike of a kid in a cape. Ah! It's fucking hilarious. It's brutal, dude. It was brutal. So embarrassing. Running home, the cape's flapping. You know, the Superman shit is running from the tears. Yeah.

Emasculated man. But talk about a mark. You know, talk about like a fucking perfect. Yeah, I mean, dude. Licking their chops. Yeah. They see you come out there on that huffy. Exactly. The huffy flapping in the wind. Oh, yeah. Halt! This is my butt. Yeah. Halt, evildoers. Right. Super marks. Yeah, exactly. Break my fucking slingshot in front of me. Oh, yeah.

Did you ever try to be a vigilante? I tried. I went outside for 10 minutes. I heard one guy yell, and I ran inside.

Oh, man. Did you ever run away from home? I did that. That lasted about eight minutes. I never did. I think I went as far as, you know, packing the little kid bag you pack. Oh, yeah. Where it's like, you know. Cookies. Yeah, graham crackers. Yeah, a baseball card. Yeah, a Nintendo 64 cartridge that you can't put anywhere. You're like, well, when I get settled down, they'll have an N64 wherever I lay my head. Kids think he's great. Then you go out and you get diddled once. You're like, all right, I'm going home.

What did you do? Was it after a fight or something? Totally. Big fight with the folks over some bullshit, and then I packed a bag and I went outside. I lived in a pretty rough neighborhood, so it was just like, you heard glass break, you heard a baby crying, you're like, I'm out as a stray dog. You just walked a little bit, basically, and came back. Yeah, exactly. I love the videos of a baby, of parents clearly calling a baby's bluff. You're like, oh, okay, I guess you...

running away then. Right. All right, see ya. Yeah. Then they get out to the stairs and start crying. Right, right. Yeah. You ever watch those Jimmy Kimmel candy videos back in the day? No. Oh, man, they're so dark. It's like Halloween the next day. Oh, yes, I have seen those. And they go, oh, we ate it all. And the kids are like...

Fuck. Oh, my God. It's like you with a crab cake salt. Yeah. You betray... Yeah, it's literally... I have seen those videos. And it is weird because it is like you're betraying the trust of your children to get on television. Exactly. It's pretty gross. What's the point of this, man? I know. Or even like... Okay.

do it, even mess with your kid. Sure. Be like, I ate all your candy. Even get them worked up and then be like, here you go, buddy. Yeah. These kids are looking and staring down the barrel of a camera. I know. And there's just, you can't help but learn the lesson that like, A, your parents are manipulating you for clicks, whatever. But also that like doing that is good or it has value. Right. You're teaching a kid that like,

showing intense emotion or tricking someone else or betraying a loved one on camera has inherent value. Right. And that's so fucked up to do. And then you wonder why they go on OnlyFans in 10 years. Yeah, exactly. Oh, I thought cameras were everything. That's better off. I would rather do that. I'd rather my fucking kid, I'd rather, you know, my nephew be on OnlyFans and make himself a nice buck, buy us a house. Yeah. No, that is, it is hilarious to, that shit was so weird.

But I will say, that is one thing with the baby. It's like, you know, my brother obviously is obsessed with taking pictures of his kid. You can't help it. It's like your fucking baby. Sure, sure. But it's like, this little motherfucker is looking at the camera. I know. Like, he's posing. Yeah. He's like seven days old. Ooh. And he's got like a nice... Like, he knows... He knows he's got like a blue steel. Yeah, he truly, like, he's like...

I mean, you know. Oh, come on. There's no way he knows. But I just mean, like, he doesn't know because he doesn't know anything. Sure. But it's like, that I am a little worried about. Because it's like, look, whatever. He's brand new. He doesn't know shit. But, like, you know, I have friends who have a two-year-old. And this fucking guy, like...

Yeah, that's true. He sees a phone, he's like... They all know, dude. They all know. They all are very cognizant of how they look on camera. Well, where are you at on the public figure? Because look, if some rando wants to show their family on Instagram, I get it. But where are you at on a

A famous person showing their kid. I don't think you should. I don't think you should. I don't think you should either. Look, it's your kid, but they didn't say yes to that. A hundred percent. A hundred percent. And also this with all these things that think I'm all the thing I'm always looking at is like, who are the guys who, uh,

own these things, know what it does to people. What are they doing? And it's like Zuckerberg's never showed his kid's face. And it's like, Zuckerberg, by the way, doesn't show his kid's face. Won't let him use Facebook. Won't let him use, it's like, what is that? Come on. Like how, how clear is this, guys? Exactly, exactly. Like he bought like a fucking huge farm. He's never around computers. It's like, Right.

What do you think? They're poisoning. Yes. In like 20 years, if all goes well, Zuckerberg is in jail for what he's done to us. You know what I mean? I know. These people are all behind bars for this shit. And for now, it's like, have some delicious meat that no one has ever... Right. It's like pre-USDA. We're all eating fucking canned meat and getting botulism. Yeah. And it's like...

were the fucking rich guys that had those factories ever eating their own thing? No, Chan. I mean, the Sackler family isn't taking fentanyl. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, talk about a family that should be... Oh, the worst. Talk about a family that should be rounded up. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, I mean, that's kind of what I... That's the...

Those are the cues I take are like, are the people in charge of this? How are they behaving? And it's like, they won't fuck. They're not doing it. That's a great boy. Fucking kids. Steve Jobs wouldn't allow an iPad around his kids. And that's a true thing. It's like, what are we doing here?

Yeah, I mean, you meet an iPad kid and you're like, yeah. Yeah. This is fucked up. You meet a, now, at this point, like a 24-year-old who was like the first generation of like babies with iPads and shit. It's like, you know. It's different. It's crazy. It's like, they can't be for one, like, I definitely have my stretches where I cannot...

where I have to be listening to something or like, you know, you had the joke about your thoughts. Oh, yeah. Forgetting your headphones because it's like you have to be around your own thoughts. You know, thoughts aren't good. And I definitely get that way, but sometimes I think like these kids do not have an internal monologue. 100%. Like, I think it goes beyond like they're just escaping it. It's just like they're just fucking constantly plugging something in there. Yes. To the point where maybe they just do sort of... Like, I feel like, I don't know, this generation might just... The way like it's scary...

To think about, you know, having a fucking chip in my head for me. How many generations are we away from a kid being like, oh, nice, my phone could just be in my head? Sick. Oh, that's coming. Yeah. For sure. It's probably pretty soon. There's people our age or older who probably want that. Yeah, but they're dork try-hards. I mean, like, kids who just, like, the phone is just...

their way, how they live. These guys are like, I'm going to be, they're like that guy who's trying to live forever by, you know, seeing how hard his son's dick gets. Like, they're just pretending they're like, you know, part of the cutting edge, they're visionaries. Whereas I mean like regular motherfuckers that have no concept philosophically of technology. It's just like, it's gone so far beyond that it just seeps into their like, way of life.

way of thinking. Yes, yes. Well, I mean, if you asked a 19-year-old kid now to take a shit without his phone, he would, he'd be like, hello, you in there? And he'd just be, his wrist would be slit. He couldn't, because it's your own thoughts. They can't do it. Yeah. Also, phones are the only invention where I hear people say, I'm glad I grew up before that. Right, right, right. So it's like, we're obsessed with it. I can't leave the house without it. But I'm also like, thank God it wasn't around when I was a kid, which is such a weird, we don't do that with penicillin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're not like, oh, thank God I was born before this life-saving pill. Antibiotics. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know, man. I am a technology skeptic, obviously, but I use it as much as anyone. I dream of becoming a Luddite. I dream of, like, no phone. But the FOMO, you're like, what am I missing? Am I going to sell any tickets? Because it's really a work thing for us, or for me, anyway. That's the way in.

And then you're like, fuck, I have to check. And then it's like, oh, nice. A lady with huge tits is on a trampoline. That's true. And then it's like, oh, whoa, another lady with huge tits. Oh, this one's stretching. Right. Oh, a big-ass burger. Nice. Four AI Japanese milfs with double F titties. I can't do AI. The AI doesn't make my dick hard. It pisses me off, actually. It's getting good, but I still can tell. And I like a C-section scar. I like the...

You know, the cellulite. I want a little imperfection. Absolutely. A little fucked up tooth. Yes. You know? Yes. Bad tattoo. Oh, the bad tattoo is crucial. That's hot. Crucial. If you have good tattoos, nothing but good tattoos, that's crazy. I mean, that doesn't really happen that often, but you got some bullshit. Oh, yeah. I hooked up with a girl. She had a horrible, bad...

Wile E. Coyote on the side and you're like, you are dumb. You're like, you're a... for doing that. But it was hot because it was so dumb. You make mistakes. Absolutely. No, I love dumb tattoos. I love dumb tattoos. I love dumb hair.

I like looking stupid. Looking stupid but still looking cool. Right, right. It's fun for me. I mean, I'm one of those people. I look dumb as shit for most people, but it's okay. This is a beauty. Thank you. And hey, congratulations by a movie. You got the movie on Hulu. Oh, thank you. That's fucking huge. You're a movie guy. We did good. You're Harvey. Yeah. No Weinstein, folks. I'm not a Weinstein.

So my dick is small, but it's not fucked up and shredded or whatever. Oh, yeah. He had like a weird, twisty dick. He had a dick, a pig's dick. Yeah. He was with a fucking corkscrew fucking pig's tail. That's fucked up, dude. To have a mangled cock. I know. And be like, yeah, this is how much of a monster I am. It's like...

What is this? It's just purely to destroy someone, you fucking piece of shit. Apparently Epstein, Hitler, Harvey, yeah, they're all fucked up dicks. Oh, yeah. Epstein's dick was like a little in egg shape or something. Egg shaped, yeah. Yeah.

That's crazy. That is fucking hilarious that multiple people described his dick as egg-shaped. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, the Hitler thing, is that true? Is his micro-dick? Well, I guess we'll never fully know. Well, that and one ball. One ball? He had one ball, yeah. He'd get shot off.

I think he was born with the defect. Now, was it one fat nut or one little nut? I think it was a little nut. Okay. Because one, you know, big fat ball is not bad. Oh, it was undescended. That's what it was. Undescended. So one of his nuts was still up in his guts. Whoa. You see, that's... You need... It's like Kevin Hart. You need, like, you have this, I don't want to say ailment. Hitler's like Kevin Hart. Continue. They both work really hard. Yeah.

But, like, Kevin Hart is 5'1", or whatever, so he's like, I've got to push it and work. That's how I overcompensate. He does have a huge penis, though. He does have a huge dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm saying he's 4'8", or whatever. Same with Rogan. Rogan's got an empire. He's 4'2". Hitler's got one ball. Epstein's got an egg dick. You've got to overcompensate. Okay, all right. Interesting. So when we're growing our...

our little clones in the vats they gotta have nice cocks yes you know they gotta be handsome idiots exactly we can't have little fucked up guys right we can't have a clone hitler coming back and putting all the non-clones yeah doing a non-clone holocaust we cannot have that right that's good to know yeah all right you know and to go a step further i noticed a

I'm not advocating, but I think it does propel you to work harder because you're running from something. I'd like to see the statistics on that. Oprah.

Perry, Michael Jackson was beaten. Any kind of childhood trauma will either push you into murder or entertainment. I guess that's the important part. Let's see the percentages of fucking superstars and guys who shot a 7-Eleven clerk because they were trying to get the raw ingredients for meth. Right. That's the great thing about

A lot of them were diddled. Isn't it? It's like a vampire. Yeah. You make one by fucking with it, you know? Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And that's why I think it all does go back to when the world was so fucked up. Right. That they were, everyone was a monster. Everyone was a monster. Like, a good, like, you watch a period piece, a movie, whatever, it's like, travel was dangerous because without the, like...

the delicate balance of a town where everybody sort of kept tabs on everybody else. Yeah. If you were just on a road alone, it's like, oh, yeah. Oh, good point. 60% chance someone will fucking murder you or fuck you. You have a horse, you have supplies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have a gun. I need that gun. I'll kill you. It's like you just expect violence when you travel. 100%. It's like just that's how little humanity existed or how little we respected each other where it's like...

Yeah, we're breaking to make a world free of all that shit.

that takes a lot of untangling. It really does, and I'm not a religious guy, but I think it helps back then. You're like, thou shalt not kill. You made a list of rules, and then you're dumb, and you think there's a guy upstairs who's going to put you in pearly gates or put you in hell. So you're like, all right, I'll follow the rules. I won't kill. I won't steal. I won't fuck my neighbor's oxen or whatever it was. Yeah. I do think it was probably important to keep society kind of flowed. Just the fear of...

Something even worse than your hellish existence. Yes. Because it's like none of their lives were good. No, God no.

One big part of our business here at Stavi Baby Enterprises is our thriving online shop. And, you know, we have our calendars basically pay for Elvis's whole salary, if I'm being honest with you. We sell T-shirts. We got stickers coming in, coming out. Whatever you're thinking, we use that. We sell that. And we use that thanks to Shopify. It's the best app.

And then look, we do some good business, but when you think about other businesses that are really crushing it in the online retail space, whether we're talking Allo, Allbirds, Skims, whatever, the business behind the business is as big a part as what they're actually selling. Nobody does selling better than Shopify, home of the number one checkout on the planet, and then not so secret secret.

with ShopPay that boosts conversions up to 50%. Way less carts go abandoned and more sales go into your pocket, meaning, oh yeah, that's right, dollars, thanks to Shopify. Businesses that sell more, they sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout that we use.

Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at Shopify.com slash Stavi, all lowercase, S-T-A-V-V-Y. Go to Shopify.com slash Stavi to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Stavi.

Well, I think it is time to take some of your newfound wisdom as a father and apply it to our dear friends here at calling in for Stavi's World. So, Ellis, what do you have for our wise friend, Mark? Hi, Stav. I love your show. Thank you. So I recently have started seeing somebody. He's a man. Nice.

And I kind of knew him beforehand. He's kind of a, unfortunately, a dim bro, which is fine. But I just recently found out that he is on TRAN. TRAN. And steroids as well as testosterone. Is it true that these wrestlers and bodybuilders get physically violent? Damn. I'm trying to figure that out. Oh, fuck.

I have no issues with him so far. We mesh very well. But it's just the gym bro, he is a gym bro. I don't know if I'm supposed to tell him to not do that or if I'm like overstepping bounds to say, hey, don't do steroids. But very short,

I don't really know what to say other than I love you and I love your show and hopefully am going to see you when you go on tour. Nice. Bye. By the way, I think she said hey stav and it translated to hot dog. I know. It's...

Google voice transcription cannot figure out Stav or Eldest the same as life. Okay, that's why I'm not worried about AI. One of those says pizza rose. Right. What is that even like? So, okay, this is interesting. So the person she's dating is on fucking, is on gear, basically. You know...

Can you tell him to stop is kind of crazy. Yeah. This is how you met the guy. Mm-hmm. It's also, you're not... It sounds like you just started. She said recently started seeing somebody. And I guess it's the kind of thing where, you know, if nothing... If...

You don't... Which, by the way, if this guy's doing things the right way, you know, a lot of these gym bros these days actually do know how to do this correctly. Like, it's kind of a crazy... That's true. I think it is a little nuts. I mean, obviously, I'm unhealthy, right? I know that, but...

Bodybuild, like guys who take a ton of steroids and keep a ton of muscle, like that's not healthy for you either. Like they do it to look cool because they're chasing being jacked. And they're essentially trading a little bit of their future health for, you know, and unless you do it in a very smart way, it can be really bad for you. Yeah. And so I think as long as nothing bad is happening, right? Like,

The fact that she's even like, do these guys get violent? We'll see in a cute way. Right. That scares me a little bit. I hope you don't find out. Yeah. Or I hope you find out when he, like, you know, punches a hole through a wall because he lost an Xbox game and then you know to break up with him. Right. But, you know, the way I think you approach it is just like, this is who he was.

Same thing as if he smoked weed or he fucking... Or even if I was dating somebody, for example, and they knew I was fat as shit, and within a month they're like, how about some salads? I'd be like... Ah, good point. Fuck you, bitch. Yeah. It's like, what are you out of your fucking mind? You knew who I was. Yeah, exactly. You knew who the fuck I am. It'd be different if she was like, hey, how do you feel? Or it's different if you want to talk to him about him and understand. If somebody came up to me and was like,

How do you feel about, do you feel, because there were times in my life where I was just, I was just getting fucked up, having a good ass time, not thinking. But there were other times in my life where I would have welcomed someone to be like, what's going on with your habits? Like, are you feeling okay? Like, is everything okay? And if it was somebody I loved and just, and she just really wanted to be like, do you like getting this fucked up? Sometimes that can help. So maybe you could just talk to him about like what,

Like, oh, are you bodybuild? Like, what is... Even to just understand him as a person. Yes. Because it is weird. If you're not a competing bodybuilder and you're just like...

You just have that level of body dysmorphia where you want to be jacked for no reason. And there are possible health negatives. And it's probably expensive. Like, what are you trying to get out of this? Yeah. It's something I would be curious. Yeah. Like, and maybe it's just an expensive habit for him. Maybe instead of fucking building Legos, he likes building his fucking biceps or whatever. But I think you talked him for that. And as long as there's no negatives to you, the only thing I could think of is,

you know, being worried about his health, which could potentially happen if he's not doing things the right way. And I think she could broach that because that's kind of coming from a place of compassion. Hey, I'm worried about your health. I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. But that's probably when she'll get hit. So then you can gauge, okay, I guess he is violent. Then you get out. So that's the perfect solution. So here's what you do. You take him. You go. You say, I have a fun activity. We're going to go...

do one of those jackass stunts where we get away from a police dog, and you're both wearing that giant protective suit. And then that's when you tell them not to do steroids because then you could take a punch or two if you're wearing that giant suit. Yeah, but I do take a little umbrage with the, hey, this guy's a gym bro, blah, blah. I'm like, you probably like the muscles, right?

that he had out of the gate. You're like, who's this guy at the bar? Whatever it was. Sure, sure. So that is a little tough with like, he's a gym bro, blah, blah, blah. Yeah. You like the muscle. It's like a guy going, ah, this chick, she's on the treadmill all day. But you also don't want a fat girl. Right. So there is a little of that, but,

But I think she's... Or they're like, oh, she does OnlyFans. It's like, you like those big fat tits. That too. You know what I mean? Perfect example. That's possible. It could be a little hypocrisy. Can't have it both ways. I do think there is something to we are attracted to people when we don't know that much about them. Good point. Where it's like, yeah, you're right. It's probably hot that she probably liked how jacked this guy was. But yeah, that fucking guy that's jacked is different from like...

wanting to go out to dinner and he's like, oh, but I cooked boiled chicken and broccoli for the whole week. I need my protein. You know what I mean? Like that's different. So, you know, you have to think about are you, is this, she seems fine with it though. I think she's more just worried about

The violence. The potential violence. Which is fair. Which is very fair, I think. I do think that, like, you can be jacked. You can hit the gym and not do steroids or Tran, whatever the fuck that is. Tran, Tran, I believe, yeah. And still be jacked, by the way. Totally. So I don't know if he needs the roids. Yeah. Unless you're not in the NFL. But that's what I mean. It's like, why? There is a huge... There is, like, definitely a... Something going around the internet where there's these guys that, like...

want to look awesome just for pure vanity. Right. And it's not... It used to be you wanted to fuck girls. Exactly. These guys don't even want that. No, no. They want attention from other guys, honestly. Yeah, yeah, 100%. It's like this weird thing. And some of them are just like... Some of them do so... Like, are so lean and whatever and are so jacked that it fucks up their sex drive. Or some of these...

Some of these steroids and shit fuck up their sex drive. These guys literally are becoming like this army of turbo incels. And it just doesn't make... They're not even incel. They're vol cell. But it's like...

So it's fascinating, and I would be curious to get more of an understanding, if I were her, to get more of an understanding as to why he even does that. Because we're like, yeah, what are you doing this for? Yeah, you got the girl. You got the girl. Are you competing? Are you whatever? Right. Maybe he does want to do that. Plenty of people want to do like, you know, if he wants to be an amateur bodybuilder. Sure. Okay, whatever. But yeah, figure it out. Keep it, you know, but...

The people we love are always going to have these weird little, you know, they're going to belong to weird little subcultures. And by the way, some gym bros can be toxic, but a lot of them are the nicest guys of all time. Yeah, well, they get it out in the gym sometimes. And some of them are just like nice nerds that a lot of...

A lot of the most jacked guys are just kind of like nice nerds, dude, for real. Truly. They just happen to be jacked. So, you know, these guys don't have to be... This guy doesn't have to be... Seems like you like him. So, anyway, hopefully I see you and your muscle-bound boyfriend at whatever show on the Dreamboat Tour. Here, here. Anything you want to plug here, by the way, Mark, in the middle of the show? Oh, yeah. I'm doing the rhyming thing.

theater at nashville big big moment that's in april okay we'll try and get this out let us know when we'll try and time april 3rd okay we'll try and time it for that all right no pressure but yeah all the dates are on punch up or mark norman comedy.com and we got we might be drunk which stave has been on we got two stories which stave has been on so yeah we got pods we got tickets to sell and uh yeah queef it up and check out pace the stage salicus and i have made a little

bullshit show and we'd love you to see it and yeah are you doing those regularly yeah we're gonna do one with a new comic every show so I did the first one then we have Michelle Wolfe in the second and I think it's Ronnie Chang and then from there on awesome yeah check that out go see Mark at the Ryman see me at the Ryman I think I'm there probably a few when am I at the Ryman when are we in Nashville do you know nice fuck you alright this episode of Stabby's World is brought to you by booking.com

A booking. Yeah. Uh, every time I use booking.com to find a place to stay in the U S I know they'll have exactly what I'm looking for. I've, I'm telling you guys this whole tour booking.com has been an invaluable resource. We own the tour bus short, but sometimes we'd like to step out. We'd like to find hotels. We'd like to find stays. Sometimes we need a place with a kitchen so I can chef up my chicken and peps. You'll see a lot of that on Stavi gets ripped season three. We're currently in production of that. Uh,

Whatever you're looking for, they have a huge variety of options from hotels to vacation rentals. And I know I can find exactly what I'm looking for. What are you looking for? You want to go to the mountains? You want to do a little weekend getaway with your family? Your beautiful family that you love and cherish?

They got that for you. Are you a single? Are you a cad about town looking for a more party atmosphere? You can find that too. Whatever you're looking for, no matter who you are, booking.com helps you find the stay that's ridiculously right for you. Find exactly what you're booking for on booking.com, booking.yeah. All right, well, fuck it. Let's do another fucking call. Hey, so I'm just calling in because I'm...

So i'm a teaching assistant for a professor at my like art college I don't want to tell you like too many details I'm, i'm pretty sure that i've got some people in these classes that are watching this show. I'm like, why wouldn't they show fucking rules? Thank you. But um Yeah, I like work for this professor but like lately he's kind of been um

spending a lot of time trying to woo the married like other person that's working in the art department and takes up all of his time to like Is never there for any of the like supervisor meetings like he's just completely blowing off His classes to like try to like fuck this married girl Um, that sucks and we'll get back to your actual question, but I am shocked. He's not fucking a student

Oh, good point. Art professor. Good point. This guy's a hero. You know, it's like, for sure I thought this was, he's fucking students and how do I stop this? So, you know, it's not good. He's still trying to coax someone into committing adultery, but just let's keep it going. Good point. All right, girl. And it's like, it drives me up the fucking wall because like,

He does shit like have her pick him up and drop him back off really late at night by the full-time CDO. And I'm just like, what are you doing, man? And why do I have to fucking see it, you know? Yeah. And why is it eating in so much into you trying to help me, you know? It's just like it really pisses me off. I don't really know what to do about it. It's just like, it just bothers me a lot. And sometimes I'll call him on it. I will. I'll be like, um...

I'm like, wow, you're spending a lot of time with this person. I wonder what's going on there. Like, oh, you have another little rendezvous last night? And he gets really defensive and upset in a way that a guilty person would be.

Yeah, I don't know. What the fuck do I do if, like, the professor I work for is having an affair with someone to the point where he can't do his fucking job and I'm having to, like, pick up all the pieces for him? Because, like, both him and the woman he's having an affair with are both my professors. So it's like, I feel really stuck. I feel really annoyed. I feel very grossed out and betrayed in some ways. Well, that's on you. Like, I don't know. His work that I initially cared about a lot

He doesn't seem to really give a fuck about it anymore. Oh, damn. These are important. These are honestly very important lessons for you to learn. This is what the world's like.

I mean, it's the most cliché don't meet your hero. You are in one of the most cliché don't meet your heroes. We're all, you know, we're low-level artists, but we're artists, you know. And it is, and, you know, you meet people who you did, maybe you looked up to something, and you find out, and this happens to me too, where it's like, I mean,

I've definitely made stuff that really matters to people that I didn't care about. Right. You know what I mean? Or like the things people latch on to, when you create something, you put it out into the world and it's like people have experiences with it. They attach meaning to it. And you're somebody who's being shaken of like,

Kind of youthful delusion in the real... Like, in real time. Good point. And this is, by the way, what artists are like. Yeah. College professors and artists...

You want people who are, I can't think of two like adults that behave like children more. You know, it's like you just are allowed to be, especially as an artist who has some, if you have some success, you get away with acting like a fucking asshole. Right. Look at Kanye. Yeah. You know, his wife is naked. Yeah. I think we're past him getting away with it. But yeah, it's sad as fuck. I mean, that's that Uriah Wright though. I mean,

10 years ago Kanye West was like an artist I admired of course the most like one of my favorite artists of all time and now it's like brutal what's going on yeah I mean brutal and it's like part of that is mental illness obviously but that goes hand in hand but being selfish you know hyper focused on certain things like

That's kind of how you create good art. He might just be hyper-focused on getting slurped off by this lady. And here's the other reality. It's like, yeah, this is what happens to people who...

work under powerful people, you spend a lot, you think it's going to be, in a perfect world, they're good leaders that set you up for success, but more often than not, shit flows downhill, you know, it's like you, a lot of what working for someone is picking up the pieces, and it sucks that you have to realize this, and this is really fucking brutal, but I would just say,

kind of use this to your advantage. You could like, you might be able to get something out of being the person who helps him through having an affair instead of like, there's no justice in the world. So let's start there. The idea that like something will happen and he will be brought to justice and like, you know, he might, he might get caught.

I mean, it usually happens. Okay, he gets caught, right? But our friend who's calling in here, she's at school now, right? She's a TA for him. Is that what's going on? So it's like he might get caught in a couple years. She'll be out of school. Her experience is just right now. Like that's the reality. Even justice when it's served doesn't fix going through something fucked up. So you're somebody who's like a collateral damage victim of something that's fucked up.

never it's not going to change and to to to her credit she seems to sort of understand that right she's not asking she's just kind of like exasperated she doesn't have like any right like i've read her to be taking it pretty personally she's like it's really fucked up it bothers me yeah i'm ashamed for him and grossed out so i think this lady's got a

I think she looked up to this writer, professor guy, so maybe she's got to detach a little. Yep. And to piggyback off your point, I do think people, artists are fucked up, obviously, but we prop artists up. We're acting like plumbers and guys who drive bread trucks aren't fucking... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

around on their wife or whatever. Right, right, right. So everybody fucks around on their wife. Everybody fucks around on their husband. Everybody diddled a kid. Everybody drinks on the job. Everybody does drugs. Every single person. Everybody steals from the self-checkout. Every person, yeah. So we're all fucked up, but...

We do prop these people, oh my God, this guy said this, I looked up, he's such a great professor. You're like, yeah, he's just like a piece of shit too. He's a guy, he's a guy. And you're right, but she's also in the classic, you, I mean, this is the most like,

finding out how the world works experience I've ever heard of. Like, this is an indie movie right here. Right, right. This is a loss of innocence coming-of-age story. Yes, Julia Stiles. Yeah. And so I just think...

Yeah, well, Mark says it's true. It's like, you shouldn't take it personally, right? This guy is just, he's just some fucking guy. Every artist, no matter how, like, that's another thing where, you know, we're lucky to have met pretty much every comedian. Yeah. It's cool. It's cool that this happened to us, but the thing you learn, and we've worked with a lot of great, like, you know, fucking legends, right?

They're all just some guy. Exactly. They're all just some guy. Right. Everybody. Some fucking... Some lady, some dude. They're all fucking person. And... Yeah. You... What's important is you realize this is not the experience you thought it was gonna be. But you have to... But you're still...

You're still working for him, right? Working for him is not what it's all cracked up to be, but there's still some prestige. The other thing is, you know this. A lot of the world doesn't know this, right? So the way they look at him hasn't changed. You can still get something out of being a person who worked for him. And also, there might be stuff like, yes, this is not going to be the transformative experience with your art and learning under him that you wanted it to be. But there's still stuff to pick up.

And you could also just kind of finesse this to where you're

Like, you are sort of a... You kind of cover for... He kind of owes you one. Like, that stuff's not bad either. Sure. And I would say just look at it as if he had a fucking drug problem. Or he had... Oh, that's good. Or he was a drunk. Or he was just like, whatever. This is his vice. Yeah, it's just like, this is a vice that you can't do anything about. And all you can do is like, you are going to pick up the pieces. It's going to be annoying. You thought... You went into this thinking you were going to have a great mentor. Yeah.

And it didn't happen, but...

There will be other mentors. I mean, I remember one time I opened for somebody. I won't say who it was. I opened for somebody who I really respected. And, you know, like we met when I opened for you back in the day. I kind of like this. I was used to good comics liking me. You know what I mean? I just made friends with good comics. And I started getting cocky and just thinking like, oh, you open for someone, you become friends with them. Yeah, sure. And they put you on the road. And, you know, that's how I met Bobby, Papa, you and Joe. Like that's how I met a lot of my friends now. Yeah.

But I met... I opened for one guy and I was doing... And I was like, I want to fucking crush it. I want him to fucking respect me. Because good comics respect that. Yeah. And I even do... This is how fucking cocky I was. I was like looking... I was on his website looking at like clubs he was going to soon. I'll go to that one. And I was like literally like...

I don't know about this. Like, I'm just like, I'm like, it's my choice, you know? That's great. And I crushed it. I'm like, holy fuck, this guy's gonna fuck. And not only that, and then like, you know, and I'm like, I'm gonna do my best shit, no fucking around. And like, you know, he was cool in the green room, whatever. And then he would like whisper shit in, like when I was, cause you know, I was featuring and then,

I would come off, he'd be standing there, and every time he was nice in every... In the green room, wherever. In those little interactions where it's just me and him, and he would be like, same stuff again. Whoa. Like, saying shit like that. I think I know who it is now. And in my head, I was like, wow, this guy hates me. In hindsight...

I think he was just like... I've also been there where it's like, you don't really want to take a gig. It's Magooby's joke. Right, right. Maybe he hasn't... He's a very successful guy. He was probably working on... He probably wasn't working on... And I've been there too where I've been rusty on stand-up and I'm not sharp. And the last thing I want is like someone just...

I'm hitting the NOS button trying to crush. It was probably annoying to have to follow me. And it wasn't like... And artistically, I wasn't trying anything. I wasn't doing... I was just trying to kill, which is what I thought you should do. I would have thought the same thing. You know? But it turned... Some people don't... So anyway, my point is...

That was fucking weird to me because I had done nothing, but I was really lucky. And like, you know, some people were fucking rude to me, but they were fucking they were literally drug at like a guy with a coke problem was mean to me. But, you know, I knew him, too. We later became friends. Yeah.

And I had bad experiences, but this was one where I was like, I respected the guy. And he said shit to me in a fucked up way that I couldn't even prove. No one saw it. Right. And it was insidious because he was really nice in person. Yeah. And just a private, kind of like, you know, nobody knows this about this guy. Right, right. And you're the one who has to fucking hold this in.

And all I can say is like, that was, that sucked for me. I was lucky where I was like, all right, I'm just going to like never see this guy again. But if I had to work for him, I would have just been like, all right, well, it's not what I thought it was going to be, but I'm sure I can pick some other stuff up, whatever. This sucks, but I can, the point is you're right to feel annoyed. It's fucking, it's, it sucks, but that's,

Just get ready for more of this if you're working in the art world. I'll tell you that much. You're not going to meet artists that cheat less. Successful male artists that don't fuck around. Right. That ain't happening, sister. But, you know, just make the best of it. What else can you do? Can you come out on top where he sort of owes you one? You know, whatever. Can you just treat him more as a friend? Like, if your friend was fucking around with somebody, you'd be like...

Still doing that, huh? But you wouldn't like constantly break their balls. They're still your friend, you know? And maybe you can use this thing you don't like about this guy as a way to free yourself from worshiping him a little. Yes. Not saying you worship him, but you know, you look up to him. And to understand that you are, you can do, like, that did help me when you would meet people and it's like, there's nothing inherently that special about them.

this yes exactly that helped me and i think that should be able to help you too but good luck that sucks you know hit us up if you make paintings i'm trying to buy art now i'm an art collector for real oh hell yeah i will legit like buy a painting from a fan that sounds kind of cool that is cool i gotta yeah because i i don't we could talk about it later but it's like i don't like a lot of materialistic shit but i do love art so it's the one kind of like

thing I want to buy. I don't want to buy fucking Rolexes. I don't want to buy cars. But cool art that speaks to me. And then you kind of help an artist. Yeah, I like that. It's a good investment too. You know the Segura story? No. It's similar to yours. So he was opening for Dave Attell who was like his hero. And

they're hanging out in the green room and, you know, Segura's like, I want to kill, I want him to love me. And David Tell goes, so what do you want to be, an actor? And Segura's like, what? What are you talking about? I'm a comic. And he's like, oh, you just do the same stuff every night. So I figured you just didn't care about this. You're just kind of... And Segura was like, it just ruined him. And then he had Tell on 12.

12 years later on his pod, he brought that up and Attell was like, I said that? I don't even... No, you're a cop. What are you talking about? Sometimes people can just say fucked up shit to stick with you. And Attell had no memory of that at all. Oh, I'm sure we've all been there where it's like,

You just said a comment you didn't even think about in a green room because you hung over or whatever. Right. And, you know, I'm sure at the time Mattel hated himself. You know what I mean? Like there's so much that he probably didn't even meet. Exactly. I don't know. You know, you're probably right. I probably am still reading into it too much. I can't wait to hear what it is later. Yeah, I'll tell you. You know, I called earlier. I was in a tizzy and I didn't have my question right. So I have a new question for Stav.

bob you're a man who's gotten some pussy it seems like you've told some stories and stuff seems like in my experience of getting a couple pieces of that they're girls that are comers and they'll girls are not comers and you know some girls just go crazy no matter what like it's like it's nothing and other girls you could be putting the jackhammer on the and they just nothing will happen and my question for you stave if you encounter

a girl who's not a comer, how do you make that girl come? Because I really need that as a part of my sexual satisfaction. And apparently the girls that are my type are the non-comers because every time that I hook up with a girl that I'm kind of laying in whatever about,

She just goes crazy on it all the time. But every time I'm with a girl that I'm like, damn, I really like this girl. Like, she's so cool. Like, I want this girl to be my GF. Not a comer. And it's just like...

It's not satisfying for me. I need to come. I need to see her freak on it. These girls aren't coming. I'm not satisfied. It's a tragedy if I'm getting off three times in a night and then the girl next to me is only like .5 times. I also feel like that's some weird manipulation on the girl's part. On the girl's part? I have way more fucking...

brain chemistry satisfaction in this interaction than she does. It feels manipulative in a way. So, you're so bad at fucking that girls are manipulating you? I mean, that's a crazy little, that's a crazy little fucking bit of, uh... It's a good spin. Yeah, acrobatics right there. Communicate with the girls, but even, usually the relationship doesn't last enough to get to that point where they're, like, bringing the tools into the sex and stuff. So...

Tools. That's a fun way to call it, vibrator. Bring in the tools. Your implements, your instruments. Yeah. I mean, well, first of all, I'm going to say it might be your whole vibe. You don't have a vibe that makes me want to bust a nut. I don't want to sit back, relax, and nut. I will say, you're coming at it from a negative point of view here, where it's like,

I need to see you come or I won't feel good. It's like you're putting all that. And I've definitely, you know, as a younger man, I've kind of felt the same way. Oh, yeah. I got to see you got a bust. I feel like I owe it to you, whatever. Yes. But that desperation and that pressure is the worst thing. When a girl has a hard time coming, any pressure on her and your whole vibe is like, you know, you're just you're just fucking bang. You're like, come on. Right.

That's number one. I think this weird, and also, how about you see if they have a good time? You know, because some girls are just like, it might take a couple hookups. It might take them getting comfortable with you. And yeah, some women just do not quit fast and, you know, salute to them. Hallelujah. But also something he said about Jack, they're nutting off Jack hammering. Are you eating pussy? Yeah.

Because if you just mean like some girls nut off intercourse, that's true. Very nicely. Thank you. The end of that one was a little squeaker, dude. It was moist at the end. And I'm not, of all the guys you could do this to, I'm the least squeamish of all time. But that little bit of fucking wetness got me, dude. This guy got me to cum. Yeah, yeah.

That's so fucking funny. So, yeah, dude, I would say like I literally forgot my train of thought because that fart knocked me off. He's too much pressure. You're right. Too much pressure. And then also, yeah, like I was saying, he seems to just be talking about girls who come off

intercourse, right? Or penetration. And certainly that's some of them, but it's like a lot of girls don't, a lot of girls, it's a, it's, you know, some come just off eating pussy. Some come off getting finger popped. Some it's like a mix of the two. Some it's a mix of all three. You got to kind of do a poopoo, a sexual poopoo platter, uh, and get them to bust. But if all you're doing is just fucking and expecting girls to come, that's,

It's kind of impressive that you would even put it at 50-50, I would say. Right. Because to me, it's way more rare to meet a girl that comes off intercourse alone. Agreed. I would say that's more rare than the non-comers at all. Yeah, it's 70-30 to clit, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Most is clit-focused. In fact, the ones that are like...

I grew up, I'm the type of, I'm more of a finesse player in that if you're a clit gal, I'm all, you know, we're going to get together just fine. But if I have to really pound for a really extended period of time for you to nut...

Sure, I can on my good days, but that's not my, you know, go-to. At that point, you got to put her on top. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You got to do the work there, right? The pony. Sure, sure. But yes, so that's the thing. Be less fucking... Be less sort of desperate for them to nut and...

If you're not, try eating more pussy, not just pounding, not just penetration. Get a couple different moves in your arsenal. You can't just always put your head down and go straight for the bucket. Sometimes you got to fucking shoot a three-pointer, call a play, get a pick and roll, get your teammate involved, the tools, the sex stuff, all that stuff.

Good point. Two things on this. It's kind of, I hear what he's saying about the girl he doesn't like. Sure. He can get her off, which goes to your point. It's like a, you never do a bad show and you're like, who gives a fuck? You're loose, you're riffing, you're going here, you're going there. But if it's a TV taping, you're like, oh, you're stiff and you don't kill as well because you're not loose. Yeah. So I totally get that. I have a thing called Madonna syndrome. Have you heard of this? No. That's where you can't get it up if you like the girl. Unless you're fucking Dennis Rodman. I was wearing a wedding dress.

That's an old reference. Kim Jong-un. So if I, like my wife, I was really into her. I really liked her. I was like, we had great chemistry. We had great compatibility. And I couldn't get it up. So I had to take blue chew. But then I would bang some fat pig on the road. And I was like Peter North. Yeah.

Because I didn't give a shit. I wasn't in my head. I'm with you. I actually have had that happen. Oh, really? Where it's like the first time I hook up with somebody that I actually like, I'm nervous. My dick is soft. It took like, yeah, like the last, the last,

two girls I dated that happened with. So yeah, I think there's something to that. It's the pressure thing. It's the pressure of caring. But it's the irony because the girl's like, you don't like me? And you're like, no, I actually really love you. Yeah, this is because I like you. Yeah, so I would always pop blue shoes like a drug addict in the bathroom. And she's like, why is your tongue blue? And I'm like, I had a

You know, you got to do that whole thing. Had some fun dip. But yeah, it just goes to show you, if you could shut it down with the girls you like, if you just chill out and realize that, hey, I'm a little in my head here, the pressure's on, maybe that'll help with the coming. Yeah, and I think ultimately the answer here is, and he says the relationship doesn't get to the point where they would bring out a tool. Like, you just have to fuck somebody a couple times to kind of really get the hang of it. Get the rhythm. And it's like, you might have just hit, you might have just been on a lucky streak of,

fucking a couple girls in a row that bust fast. Yeah. You know, you'll hit a cold streak of that shit too, you know what I mean? So just focus. If you like somebody, focus. Ultimately, sex is very important, but ultimately, like, you know, I...

Both of us couldn't get hard with women that we dated, and they stuck around. So it's like power through a couple awkward encounters. If you have real chemistry, that will shine through. And the real problem is, yeah, you'll just figure it out the more you hook up with somebody, in my opinion. Hear, hear. Good luck, even though, again, your vibes were a little off-putting. It reminds me of when I was younger, sex always felt like...

I felt what he's talking about where it's like, I have to make her come before I come. Definitely. Because then I don't want to look like I fucked bad. I'm going to bust so fast. It's like, if she doesn't come before I put my dick in, we're toast. Yeah. And then eventually you're like, all right, well, look, lady, my neck's getting sore. Right. I know I'm not staying hard much longer. My fingers hurt. Yeah, we gave it the old college try. Uh-huh. Esteemed guests.

Love the show. Love the energy. Love you boys. All right. So I'm 35. Been married like eight years together with the lady for almost a decade. Right. My whole life. I've been a real skinny guy, tall, gangly motherfucking look like a giraffe. Right. Meanwhile, my wife, college athlete, D1 sports, always in shape, always real fit.

recently, right? Like six months ago, started hitting the gym and tracking my macros. Honestly, I'm up almost 30 pounds. I look good. It's damn near all muscle. Frankly, I look great. Now in that same timeframe, my wife, you got pregnant. Hey, I think I know where you're going with this and you're wrong, right? I would never cheat on my wife. She's the light of my world. I fell in love with her when I frankly looked like a war-torn refugee, right?

So the real question here is, how do I convince my wife she's so beautiful? Help her understand I'm so thankful for putting her body through this shit, right? I need her to know that her identity has been tied up in being athletic and fit. The whole process eating her up. And so how do I help her know that she's good on this, right? Like,

Do I stop getting fit? She's been going after me for a while to get healthy. Do I stop doing that? We made this decision to get pregnant together. So how do I communicate to her that just how wonderful and beautiful she is while she's dealing with all of this and her new identity in all of it? Interesting. Love you guys. Love the show. I wanted to hate this guy because he's like, I look fucking great. And then he turned out to be the sweetest, most thoughtful man on the planet. I take it all back. This guy's a gem. Yeah.

Yes. Yeah, this is cute. I like this guy for sure. I think, you know, you're the expert here. I know your wife was recently pregnant. I'm right in the thick of this. So do you have anything you want to jump in? I have my own thoughts, but from a guy who's truly experiencing it, what do you say? I think my wife keeps saying, like, you know, because they do sacrifice the body. It's crazy. Women love babies, but they're Chris Brown. Yeah.

Fuck your shit up. The scarring, the nipples are all ruined. The tits are weird, whatever. So these kids are evil. What they do to women's bodies. Horrible. They should be put in jail. But you got to lay it on thick because women want to look good normally. And so this is like, hey, they sacrifice their body and they're going to have a few extra pounds that they got to melt away and all this shit. So yeah, just lay it on thick. Put the arms around her.

Keep your hands on her. Keep showing affection. Keep pouring out the compliments. And point out every day, like, whoa, you lost a little more today. Because my wife just keeps shrinking down slowly, and you've got to keep acknowledging it. Show her that you're aware of it, and show her that you're on board and rooting for her and supporting her, and just keep it up.

So that's it. Yeah, and I think overall it's like just general support because it's like, yes, some of this is her body and her whatever, but also in her identity, you said, of being athletic. And first of all, I wouldn't say don't stop being fit. No.

I mean, you're not helping her by doing that, especially if there's something she always wanted you to do. But, you know, you can make it more of a partner thing when she's after the baby comes out. You could hit the gym together. You've been tracking your macros. Maybe you can kind of be on a little health journey together if she wants that, right?

I would just say overall from seeing... You know, I've had a few people in my life, like I said. My sister-in-law just had a kid, my brother. I've had a couple good friends have kids recently. And just like kind of observing a few different instances of this, it's like...

Yeah, definitely how they look is part of it. But also, it's just like, it's just a fucking ordeal overall. Yeah. So just being supportive, like, you know, and who knows? Some women want to get fucking right back in the gym. Your wife might not want to. Sure. You know what I mean? Like, she might want, and you seem cool with whatever she decides. And I think it's more than the physical or just as much as the physical. It's a lot of mental strength. Oh, yeah. I mean, this baby is fucking...

going to be all like... And no sleep, no sex. Yeah, it's just like it's in like a baby's obsessed with its mom for like at least the first year. And it's like can go nowhere. You know, she can do nothing. And so just being supportive of her and like making her feel so she's not overwhelmed, all this kind of stuff. I think keeping her happy in general will also just help with the body stuff too, because it's just like...

If you're already kind of sad and then you're just like, oh, and I look like shit. It's like if you're feeling good and then you're like, oh, and you know, I got to start really... Once I feel a little better, I'm going to hit the gym. That's easier than like, I want to kill myself. Then you glimpse in the mirror like, I want to do it right now. So just keep the level of happiness, keep the support, whatever your wife needs, just kind of be there and just like...

You seem to have the right attitude. Yeah. This guy's a sweet guy. I think you're going to be fine. We've had real pieces of shit call this show before. Yeah, you can't have sex for six weeks after pregnancy or after birth, and so I've been doing a countdown. I can't wait. Oh, man.

oh man this many days now make it fun like stuff like that you're dying a fucker you can't wait and you gotta think women they're saints for what they do with the body because imagine if your dick was different after you had a kid you'd be like I'm never having a kid but they still do it you gotta give it to them damage to my dick I couldn't stand any of it totally oh that's brutal but yeah good luck little buddy you're gonna be fine oh yeah what else we got Elders

I wanted to know how long is it acceptable to be an adult late bloomer? Like when is the cutoff date, so to speak?

I'm 33 years old. I've been working in my trade career for 15 years, and I'm successful and stable. My dilemma is I'm the breadwinner in my four-year-long relationship. I'm having a hard time processing that I'll possibly be the breadwinner and head of my household forever if I decide to marry my boyfriend. I've grown up with the mentality that I was never supposed to have that position. I grew up in a Hispanic household, so it's the man's job to do all of this.

My boyfriend is the nicest, kindest, most thoughtful person I've ever been with. He makes me want to be a better person. But it's been wearing on me because financially I carry all the weight with the bills, everything financially. And my boyfriend has been in this career for almost 10 years. And within the last four, he decided to go on his own and work for himself.

Jesus Christ.

If I can't even have a family, maybe we can do trips. And we can't even do that because he can't afford it. And I don't make a big deal about any of this to him because when we talked about it, he's expressed that it makes him feel emasculated. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're not making him feel emasculated. He's a fucking loser. It's like being like... Yeah, it's like feeling...

He's like, you know when I tell my when I tell my boyfriend I don't like it when he shits his pants it makes it makes him feel like he's stinky and dirty It's like yeah, he's fucking third. I mean, let's finish it, but that's crazy So I'm not the point that if I want to travel and do things I can only pay for myself and

And am I a dickhead if I want to go on trips alone because he can't pay his own way or the way that I want to travel in the standard that I have? So I want to know how men handle these types of situations when they are providers. Is that the type of is that type of mentality changing as well?

Thanks. Interesting. Very interesting. Well, that's what I love about feminism. Now she sees what it's like to be the sole provider. It's not easy. But see, you would never... And I agree, right? First of all, the whole...

You were raised to never have to be this way. Like, that's all bullshit in my opinion. I would be fine if my wife, you know, whatever, like luckily, you know, life's going in a way where I'm doing fine, doing very well financially. But I, you know, if my wife was more successful than me, that wouldn't emasculate me. No, no way. If I had my own shit going, right? Yeah.

Yes. Saying he feels emasculated is kind of fucked up. That's a cop out. It's a huge cop out. And gaslighting in a way. It is because what he feels is he's a failure and he is. And it's like. But would you say that to a woman who's broke and the guy is making all the money? Well, it depends. Is she a failure? Well, here's what I want to know, right? They're working two jobs. They're both working, right? Oh, okay. Is she also the homemaker? No.

That's a good question. Because if this guy does... Like, okay, let's say I had a fucking wife, whatever, and because I'm the head of... You know, my career's going good. If the expectations are, hey, I really am taking care of this shit, you don't have to work, but...

Might as well fucking, you know, not it's it's not that I I'm old fashioned or anything, but like you're here. Why don't you just fucking take care of all this shit? I'm doing this. You do that. And if that's and then, hey, if you want to have your little small business on the side. Right. But yeah, I take care of this. You take care of that. And if she did that, I wouldn't say like you're lazy or whatever. I agree. I agree. But if this guy's if this guy wants to be treated like the head of the household, then

but he's a fucking failure and he says he feels emasculated, that, he can't have it both ways. He can't have it both ways. I don't think there's anything, I think if he was the type of guy, you said he's the kindest, sweetest, whatever guy you've been with. If he was the kind of guy who's like, hey, I'll do the domestic shit, I don't care. If he was the kind of guy who's like that, and he's like, I'll make your life easier, you're the fucking breadwinner, I'll save, you know, I'll do shit to save us some money so that we can like, you know, get, do these vacations, or...

The simpler thing is like, if he was like, look, my fucking job is not working. Like, I tried going to, I gave it the college try. Yep. It's not working. Just go get a fucking hourly job and make some fucking money. Go Uber. If this guy's doing, if this guy's bringing zero in, he might as well be at home fucking cleaning or whatever the fuck, right? Yes, yes.

So, but what's interesting about this is, so I would just take out the, I'm not raised to be this way. This is a matter of like, you know, I think it's fine if a woman is the head of the household if the other...

What this really is, is two people in a relationship and one person is contributing so much that it's starting to make her feel that it's like... Used? Yeah, used and resentful. And by the way, not only are you contributing so much, but it's like now you're losing. I mean, when you said, I've accepted I can't have a family, we all got sad. That's horrible. Can't even go on a trip either. And it's like, that's nuts. If that's what you want...

That's crazy. And then you feel guilty and he goes for the cop out of emasculation. We need to know a little bit more about this business working for himself shit. Yeah. Right. Like, cause again, that could just be from what we know you, I mean, this is not, you know, you can't be in this relationship. Like, cause you've said it makes him feel emasculated, but you have to just be like, look,

I'm not trying to make you feel emasculated. This is not about... It's just like, I just want certain things out of my life. And, you know, I've been supporting... You've also been supportive of him for four years. He's trying to get his business off the ground. Like, if I was married to somebody and I was like, I have to go try comedy. And she supported me for fucking five years and nothing was going on. I wouldn't be like...

Stop talking to me about having kids. I'm trying to work on this reel. Once this reel goes viral, bitch, I'm selling tickets, right? I wouldn't do that. I would be like, you know what? I gave it a shot. Time to go fucking work at a Home Depot. You know what I mean? Time to go fucking go to Best Buy. Who gives a fuck? So, yeah. Also, why isn't this guy uncomfortable? If my girl was paying for everything and she was like, I want to go on a trip, but you don't have any money, I'd be like...

oh, you're right, I suck. I'll go get a job. I'll ask my mom for 500 bucks. We can go to Greece or whatever it is. Why is this guy not freaking out? I actually, when you say that, I think that's probably why she mentions the, like, I was not raised. Because this guy might be trying to have it both ways. Yeah. He might be comfortable because, like, well, I'm the fucking head of the household. What I say goes. Oh, I'm the guy. You know what I mean? Like, I'm the guy. So, hey, we got to support my dreams. Meanwhile, this woman could be having a great, like...

You clearly love this person. This is difficult. Yes. But you also can't sacrifice your life. Yes. And it's like you don't believe in him. It'd be one thing if you were like, he's been working for himself. He works so hard. Yes. He's got this great idea. I'm here. Like, but you don't. You think he's fucking, and he probably is fucking lazy, right? And so you have all this guilt. And I would say the same way we say, let yourself go, you know, shed that like,

I came up this way feeling about what the woman should do and just look at it as two people. That's how he has to treat it too. He has to just shed that. If he thinks you need to support him, that's fucking ridiculous. The person who's supporting the family gets the support.

Yeah. Right? Yes. And if he wants you to fucking listen to what he has to say, then he has to do better than you. Yeah. And if you want to go on a trip and he can't go, go. And he should be like, you're right. I can't afford it. That's on me. But once you start doing that, it's like, well, sure. What are we even doing? Of course. Of course. You're in your mid-30s and you're taking a vacation without your fucking girlfriend. Yeah. And it's not like someone's... If that's not a bachelor party or something, it's like, that's crazy. That's crazy. Can you imagine going on a vacation without your wife?

Like, I mean, no, you have to have a really serious job where you get high in a bus with your best friends. Yeah, I just have to be on the bus for three months with my bro. Totally different. Totally different. But, yeah, anyway, this is, and I just feel for her because she's just, like, so, she's, like, so, like, she's guilty. She's guilty for, I mean, dude, I'm going to be thinking about, I've accepted I can't have a family. You're awesome.

That's crazy. I know. That's the point of if you want to... Look, some people don't want to have a family. Great. You clearly want a family. Yeah. And the whole point of dating is to find the right person to have a family with. So if he's the kind of guy who you can't have a family with, he's not the guy... And you want... And that's very important to you. He can't even fucking swing a weekend in fucking Cancun, let alone a fucking family. Like...

That's crazy. And the emasculation is a cop out. And this is coming from people who have all been broke, who have all been chasing a dream, whatever. It's like I definitely have been in relationships where I didn't have any fucking money and I tried to make up for it in other ways. Of course, of course. And he is comfortable. You clearly kind of are too supportive of him, in my opinion. I don't know. We don't know enough of it. But just the bare facts of doesn't pull his own weight,

makes you feel guilty about bringing it up, and you can't get the basic things you want out of life, I think you're at the point of seriously considering moving on, as hard as that is, or having one final... You could have one final conversation and say, look, I want these things. I really love you. We're very compatible in so many ways, but I'm getting older. I want a family. I want to be able to... And like...

Because he's essentially choosing chasing whatever dream his own business is over providing those things for you. That's essentially, what it boils down to is that. So you can say, look,

If you, you got to get a fucking, you got to get back to getting a real job or, or, you know, finding, you know, doing the housekeeping, whatever. Or we have kids and you take care of the childcare because I'm working, right? Like whatever it is, you have to have that conversation. If he says he feels a massive, then you have to say like, I'm really sorry if that's how you feel because I need, these are non-negotiables in my life. There you go. Because you're sacrificing these things. And for what? Just kindness is the baseline, right?

Like maybe she had some shitty relationships before this because she's saying he's the kindest guy. Right, right. That's just, that's the baseline for dating. That's default. That's not like you can't lead with how nice a guy is. He's got to, everybody should be nice. Your boyfriend should be nice to you. Right, right. You know, like. This guy's got a live one because he's like, oh, I'm getting all this shit for free. I don't have to do any work. I'm working on my business. He probably saw baseball cards on eBay or some shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if she brings it up.

He's like, oh, don't emasculate me. And she's like, oh, you're right. That's how I was raised was the man does this. So he's got it made, this guy. And that's why she's got to get out because this guy is totally taking advantage. And this goes the other way, too. Like, if the role... Like, truly, this is about whoever's in a relationship, you can't be taken advantage of. Right. You know what I mean? If somebody is like...

If the man was the provider and the woman was just, like, not doing shit or, like, you're also not getting anything out of it, right? Now, you know, it's like, and ultimately it's case by case. Everybody has to decide what's good for them, right? But if you want these things and he can't give them to you, then what's the fucking point of being in this relationship? Here, here. Good luck, sister. Damn, I'm fucking sad now. Elders, let's end on something funny. Yeah.

Hey, Stavi. Me and my husband are really big fans of your show. Thank you. This isn't a question, but I just wanted to dump some information. I just finished watching your latest podcast with Kate on it, and you guys had an interesting thing about being cremated.

I'm not a cremator. However, my client that I work on, I'm a hairdresser, she works in cremation, and she gave me some valuable information about cremation. She let me know that this is, I didn't smell this, this is what she said, that plus-size people smell delicious. Uh-oh.

That's great. That's great. Hell yeah, dude. Fat people smell delicious when you cremate them? That's fucking awesome. Delicious when it's getting done.

This is not what I said. This is what she said. She said they smell either of a range of bacon or marshmallow. Marshmallow? That's fucking hilarious, dude. Just an interesting fun fact. I hope you guys are having a great day and a great five. Thank you. That is a good fun fact. Bacon, that's what I would have guessed. It's like a fatty cut of meat. Sure. Marshmallow, some...

Well, that's all the sweets. Yeah, that's all the Sour Patch Kids and Hershey bars. You know? It's just sugar. Holy shit. That's fucking crazy. That's crazy to me that you would work at a fucking crematorium or whatever and then be like...

I want to go make some s'mores. I love the smell of fatties in the morning. That is awesome. That is a beautiful little thing to go out on. That's great. You know, that's what fat people provide us, sir. You know, even on the way out, everyone's having a nice time around a fat guy. Well, you ever do Minneapolis? You can smell this, like, Bisquick is from there or some shit or General Mills, I think, is from there. So you smell cereal in the distance. Oh, wow. Have the crematorium in, like, the fatter cities in America, the Clevelands or the Vegas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

the ovens out there or the chimneys. Let us get a whiff. Let's get a whiff when it's fatties. All right. Well, thank you. Thanks for the calls. Mark, thanks for being here, buddy. Hey, thank you, hot dog. Congratulations on the baby. Congratulations on the baby. Oh, it's in the car. Damn it. Go see Mark live. Listen to all the pods and see us on the Dreamboat Tour. We'll talk to you next time. Bye-bye. Thank you.