#132 - Joe List
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Welcome everybody to Stop He's World, 904-800-STOP, call in, we'll solve all your problems. Returning one of our favorites, Big Joe List, baby, how we doing? My new nickname, Big Joe. Biggie, Biggie, Biggie, this is my favorite show to do, can I tell you that? I love that, that makes me feel good. Number one favorite podcast to do. That makes me feel good. List and I are your garbage. And we might be drunk. Yeah, yeah, okay. And Rogan. Rogan.

Oh, now I know you're fucking lying. Let's go for it. Let's go three hours. Spending three hours nervously trying to not say anything about immigrants. They're not trying to get clipped agreeing with something fucked up. I still... You write Twitter, Joe List, Joe Rogan. There's still every day 15... Worst guest of all time. He blew it. He sucks. He sucks.

He folded. He fucking stinks. The show is fun, but you do three hours, and there's like an hour and a half, which is what a podcast should be, that's awesome. And then you're high as shit, and you're like, did I say eugenics is good? You know what I mean? Like, I've smoked a joint, and I'm like, what did I just nod along with? Because I'm trying to not be high. I'm not even smoking joint. I'm just there and playing YouTube videos. I'm like, whoa, crazy. Yeah.

I will say we did love, we did about 40, one of my, I do like that on one of my episodes, we did about 40 minutes on squirting and we looked at real scientific evidence. You know, we look, we read. Is squirting real? I, I've on the record as saying that I think it's different than piss.

But it's mixed with piss. Well, that's the thing. That's like saying Kool-Aid is water. You know what I mean? Oh. I think it has a little, some extra. That's deep. Thank you. You know what I mean? Like, yes, you put some, you put a little Kool-Aid in water, it becomes a different thing. You put some squirt concentrate in piss, it becomes squirt. But that's my philosophy. But why do some women do it and some don't? Just...

Some can't. You know, different shapes in her pussy shapes, I think. I think it's purely mechanical. Shapes? I think so. I think their pussies are shaped... By the way, you know, we've immediately gotten demised. It's been 90 seconds. We've said squirting...

Reverse Bukkake is my biggest fantasy. You want to be Reverse Bukkake with pussy juice? Yeah, badly. Badly. I don't watch a lot of porn, but when I do, I go straight to Reverse Bukkake. I imagine there's maybe eight of those videos. You must have seen them all. You're out of your mind. Really? Yeah, there's a couple thousand. I found one where it's just male women. It's like male carriers. I thought you were like, it's just male women. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I realize that sound. Maybe that was a Freudian slip. I find it where it's a guy, and the guys are jacking off on him. And their squirt is like, what? And it's stinky, and it looks so much more delicious to me than women's for some reason. No, reverse bukkake, they're all lined up and calling you a little bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to be dominated. Interesting. By you and Eldis. Yeah.

We don't have it in us. I don't think me and Eldest could... That'd be so funny if we had to tag team someone. I got a lot of spunk for you, Joe. Actually, that's true. Spunk is... You know what's fucked up, actually? What would happen is Eldest's animal would take over. I don't like...

Eldest locks into a way he talks about sex that even makes me his famously horny and best friend of 30 years. Even makes me like, oh, Jesus, Eldest, relax. There's certain people, my friend, I feel like I'm always poking fun of my dear friend Ronan Hirshberg, but he's the guy that likes to tell you what he's jerking off to. And it just makes me very unsettled. Even though I talked about reverse bukkake, but we're being silly geese. We're being fun.

I mean, I just feel like I jerked off to her today. And like real deadpan eyes. I mean, you're like, Jesus Christ. You don't want to think of Renan. If you saw a close-up of Renan's face while he was jacking off, his jowls are moving, he's dead-eyed. Because I've contended, I've told this to his face, much fatter face than body. So just thinking of him jacking off, you think of his fat face. Yeah. But if he had a nice, maybe he's in a nice little midsection, I wonder what his penis looks like. I find it so hard to think about comedians fucking.

I brought this up to Mark Norman. He's the one that's, it's the hardest to think about. Cause he's rubbing his chin and being like, I'm coming. Come on. I'm coming. Where am I going? I just pictured the woman being like, Oh my God. I thought the body was no, but does yes mean yes. She's like, I want to see his abs, but now I got to deal with this.

He's got a foot up on the stool. Yeah, doing this while he's getting head. Oh, I thought it'd be better. He's like, praise Allah. Oh, I don't know. Was this worth cheating on my wife? No one doesn't cheat on his wife. I think that's important to say. No, he doesn't. I don't want to. No, but it's fun. It's fun to think of him being like, oh, mistake. I said I wouldn't, but now I am.

I know, he doesn't cheat. He's not Chris DiStefano. He's a good guy. No, he's Italian. Oh. Yeah, we can assume. Yeah, yeah. No, Chris is, I do love accusing him of being a piece of shit. I saw him yesterday at Sam's house, actually. Oh, yeah.

Oh, I was going to go, and then I got fucking caught up. It's hard about throwing a basketball party, and then your team loses, and you're just a bummer to be around. Really tough. Really tough. Yeah, yeah. I wanted to go. Was it a good group? Fun group. Nice little hang. Fuck.

Our boys, JP, Ian Lara, a lot of good people were over there. Love Ian Lara. He's the man. Low-key loves to really argue. I don't want to get too inside baseball. People don't know who the fuck Ian Lara is. We were talking about all our friends jacking off and fucking. He's one of those guys that he likes to debate. Before you know it, you're just in a shouting match. He's not like you. I imagine you two would really go at it. We had a great time on the road. Because we would get locked in. But always good. Always good stuff.

But yeah, great group. Had too much pizza. I'm trying to be a good boy. I just had two slices myself. Sam comes through. He's got a whole... And no one's eating that many slices. It's like comedians are like, you know, I don't even know...

The other half of the people are just like a band and like their hot girlfriends who maybe like have a quarter. At Sam's house? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who's the band? He's got friends who are in a band. They were cool. That's gross. Well, I'm just saying it's either half scavenger comics who are going to eat four slices or half people that don't eat pizza. So there's always some leftover. And then you're like, all right, well.

You take the one, you do one slice and kind of see. Absolutely. You do a lap. You do a lap. Quickly, you do two. Two's totally fine. Two's appropriate. You take one, you take two, and then you give it maybe eight minutes, nine minutes. Six, whatever. Yeah, see, just see. And when you see the pizza disappearing at a slow rate, you're like, ooh, we're in range for four.

And then you got to do it kind of like, so it's not, I'm going to, okay. Oh, wow. Just kind of slowly sneak it over. And he gets cheese and pep, classic. That's what you got to do with a big group. And then, so I have, I'm on three, right? Okay. And then I noticed there's a supreme pizza too. That's got all the shit on it? All the shit on it. And I don't even like that. But to me, I'm like, well, no one's touched it. I've had the other ones. I'm not going to get them.

those. Right. Now at this point, I'm like worried about Sam. Sam doesn't want all this pizza in his house. This is how I am with pussy. I'm like, I've had a couple of classics. I never had a male woman. Let me see what it's all about. Sure. Sure. Male woman's nice. So let's circle back that they're all wearing like USPS, like a uniform. They're wearing the little blue shorts. Yeah. I mean, I made it up. I thought you could find it. Yeah.

I bet you could find something like that. That was where my head went, was mail carriers. Okay, okay, interesting. I thought it was real. It could be real. I mean, I don't know if you could do a quick search. I mean, if you want to go to Pornhub, I bet you could find letter carrier Bukkake. I don't think you could find letter carrier Bukkake. Although the fantasy of a mail, your mail woman post office porn. Post office porn.

This is an adult website? Yeah. Oh, fuck, we can't go in. Oh, my God. Ooh, it looks pretty good. None of this is post-ops, by the way. It's just hot women getting fucked. Wait, go down. Is that the girl from... Is that the... Someone's done AI of Zootopia, and it's go down. It's the Zootopia bunny sucking a real guy's dick. A huge dick. What is Zootopia? And what is that dick? It's a, like, children's... Oh, no. Oh, boy. No, no.

No, just get out of here, dude. X out. We're done. There has to be male women in porn, though. There is, I'm sure. I'm sure. She shows up with the bag of bills. I can't afford these. Whatever. And then she's like, well, I just deliver it. He's like, well, can I fuck you anyway? Why does she care? She goes, hey, man, just my job. I'll suck your dick. I am a whore. It's not going to help you with the bills at all.

We should get into porn. I think it would be fun to write porn that's never been made. Well, now, and I assume this must for sure exist. We watch Miss Rachel. I have a baby. So it's Miss Rachel all day. There's got to be Miss Rachel porn. Unfortunately, there definitely is. Yeah, because of his pink headband. But they should have the peripheral characters. I hope not. I bet there is. But there probably is. And it's for dads. Yeah.

Well, this is the thing, because I watch Miss Rachel all day. Not all day, but, you know, a half hour a day every day. So you just have to come up with something. So I'm like, I guess I could fuck her or like all the characters. You're like, I could be into that. Right. There's other characters. I'm not I don't have a child. I'm not familiar. There's other not characters, but she has like buddies around. It's all her kind of, I think, theater people. Oh, OK. And her husband's on there.

That's hilarious to be... That's fun, though. She's putting her friends on. She's like, all right, man. That's like the equivalent of opening for your friends. It's like, all right, man, you want to play a lion in my children's YouTube series? Oh, yeah. I think she's hot. Yeah. She's hot. Good politics. Shout out to Miss Rachel. I disagree there, but... What are you talking about? Oh, you're pro-genocide? I'm pro-war when it's necessary. We're back!

Yeah, it's so funny. She did a video with a child that had amputated. Had her arms blown off. And it's like, when you're on the side that thinks it's bad for a child who had its legs blown off to be happy for one afternoon, you're the bad guy.

Like, no matter what it is, if you're like, hey, hey, we need more context for a child that was maimed to smile. She's like ear to ear. Yeah, it's like the happiest this baby's been in her entire life. But shout out to Miss Rachel. I hope they're not making too much pornography of you out there. But they probably are, unfortunately. Yeah, but it's not her. It's just people wearing pink headbands, I imagine. And talking like, me, or whatever. Yeah.

Yeah, that's really fucked up because you're right. It is dads, but it's also guys that want to be, like, infantilized. Like, I bet you there's, like, it's like a Miss Rachel stand-in, like, time to change your stinky diaper. You know, it's like, ooh, what do we got here? There's definitely diaper guys that are into that level of thing. I mean, I guess I've seen, like,

they make porn of that feels fucked up. I guess it's just that it's a real person because there's definitely Spongebob out there. Well, there's Seinfeld porn and I know that because everyone ever has sent it to me. Of course. Because I'm always talking about how hot Elaine is and then people think like, oh dude, I got a solution. Yeah, yeah. Check this out. And I'm like, but that's not Julie Louise Dreyfuss. That's not.

That's a lady that, you know, with a pierced clit and a weird curly wig. Just like a bald guy fucking her. That's not what I want. And I believe the George they used for that had clearly shaved his head in a funny way that wasn't... It was kind of... It was like stubbly. Like it was so clear. Jerry had a bad wig on that one. I've seen that one. This...

But you know what I don't like? They, I believe it was called this ain't Seinfeld XXX a porn parody. And they were doing that when it's like back in the day,

You had a little fun with it. Call it sex-filled. I mean, that's just right off the top. Right, right. Like, my... We've talked about it a lot on this podcast, but me and my brothers found a porno VHS that we assume was my father's that was called, like, Loose Times at Ridgely High. Oh, okay. And it was a Fast Times. Yeah, yeah. You know? Then there was... Forrest Humps was a big one. Forrest Humps was Edward Penis Hands. Yeah, yeah. You know? Like, we got to name, like...

They were doing for a while... Who's Nailin' Palin' was maybe the last good one, although that's not really a spinoff of intellectual property. It's more, you know, just a play off of the name. But look it up. Was it called This Ain't Seinfeld XXX? Probably was. Let me try to think of some good Seinfeld ones. Yeah. Seinfeld, a triple X parody. I mean, you're not even fucking trying, dude. Yeah, I mean, look at... Oh, wow. That looks like you. Yeah, I mean...

Elaine looks pretty hot. Elaine looks hot, but she also looks, you know, Puerto Rican perhaps. Which, you know, Kramer is hilarious because he's shorter than George somehow. But he's got big ass hair. But Jerry is dead on. Jerry's James Dean famously, I believe. What do you mean, James Dean? That's the guy's name. He's spelled after James Dean. Go back. Let's look up who played Elaine in this. Just, you know, just for scientific purposes. Um...

you know, do a little, maybe get a little faster. Sasha Gray? No, I think she had a smaller part. Anyway, whatever. Go down. Oh, there was one called the Porn Nazi. I like that. Oh, Porn Nazi's good. They're attempting to purchase porn from a man known as the Porn Nazi. Wait, running time, 143 minutes. It's longer than Goodfellas. You gotta be kidding me.

All right. That's a Christina Rose apparently played Elaine. See, you know, I have nothing. Obviously, I've beat off to many Latinas. I think they're beautiful. But it's like we couldn't get a Elaine. Elaine had to be Latina. This is the real casting. This is the real. This looks Asian to me. She's Latina. Look at her eyes. All right. Well, I think, you know, this she can have. Latina's going to have.

Look up her etymology or whatever. This woman's as ancient as my father. Because you know what I just did? I did the thing nerds do when they cast a black person as a superhero. There can't be a black little mermaid. I did that. I did a black little mermaid. There can't be a Latina Elaine getting fucked. You can't have Latina Elaine getting sucking dick. I literally turned into...

Look, it's taking me out. If I'm supposed to jack off to Elaine, I would definitely jack off to this woman, Christina Rose, but, you know...

Look at Tracy Quinn Perez from San Diego. She's Asian. You know, folks, I'm a small business owner, and when my toilets are clogged in my business because I employ a man who eats as much as livestock, and he'll often clog the toilets, if the first plumber I call doesn't pick up, I'll pick up the next one.

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Well, you came on here to promote your special. This will get demonetized immediately, so... I'm okay with that. Yeah, yeah, me too. It's just a good episode. Small Ball. Small Ball is the special. It's out now. It's out by now. On YouTube, yeah. It's on YouTube. My fourth special. I can't wait to see it. It looks so funny. And my special, in order, they have 10 million views, 3 million views, 1 million views. So I'm hoping to have 50,000 by the time...

Just a nice, steady ski slope of success. I would contend that is the fault of YouTube. It used to be a great place for stand-up specials, and they have completely destroyed the ecosystem with censoring shit, demonetizing shit, and also too many people. Too many people. They put a fucking camera on a stool, and they're like...

It's my special. And it's like, all right, man. Well, the first one also was on Comedy Central's page. And they have however many million followers. And it was COVID. Right. So that helped. And yeah, most people hadn't done YouTube specials at the time. Yeah. And then the last one I said continent. And they told me that was fine. And then they were like, just kidding. Yeah.

And I was like, well, I would have bleeped it. Well, that destroys part of my livelihood. That probably knocks me down a couple pegs. It was a bummer. But what can you do? What can you do? But yeah, it's out. It's out. It's hilarious. Looks great. You got to thank you, buddy. Oh, hell yeah. Thank you. Don't look for it. You too, Eldest. It's dedicated to you.

Says RIP Eldest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 85, 2026. And quote, quote, this is probably by now. It looks great, and I like the way you shot it. I used your guys. Yes, I saw his name. I saw our boy, Mr. Rockefeller. Derek and Willie. Yeah, Derek and Willie. Shout out to Originator. They did a great job on, you know, live. Or no, sorry. We did live at the Lodge Room. Which one was it? Fat Rascal. Fat Rascal. Fat Rascal.

But they're great. And it looks great. And you shot it in clubs. It looked awesome. Chicago, yeah. We did Zany's, Downtown, and Rosemont. That's cool. And we cut them together, but not in like a distracting way. I remember that Chris Rock special, which was a great special, but it was like he kept cutting within jokes to like... Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was in South Africa. He was in like, I think, he did it in three different places. Yes. And it was awesome, but it did...

It was like you're watching more of an interesting film than you are the material. Yeah, this one, you don't even really notice it unless you're really paying attention. And it's like Godfather 2. There's like four cuts. Yeah. It's not like... I love it. So I think it's good. We did a little theatrical run, which was fun. And it's the first one I've ever watched. I was like, this is pretty good. Really? I laughed a couple times. Yeah.

You don't watch your own specials? No. Well, the previous one, I told the director, Jason Katz, who's great. He did my first three. But I was like, I can't watch you guys edit. And he left in all these crowd work moments. They left it. I mean, and it was my own fault. But then all the comments were like, this thing wasn't ready. It's not tight. Oh, no. Well, it would be tight if we just cut out me being like, oh, fuck you. So I was like, oh, fuck you.

Like, this is a sloppy piece of shit mess. I'm like, no, no, no, it's good. So this time I was like, let me get in there a little bit. That's hilarious. I mean, I get it. It's excruciating to watch. Oh, it's awful. I want to, you know, blow my brains out when it's happening, but it is necessary for sure. Well, at least I straightened my teeth. That helps. Before that, I just wanted to really kill myself. Now I just kind of want to kill myself. Yeah.

That's good, man. That's good. That's all you can hope for. But go watch it for the love of Christ. Go watch it. The man's got a child. I got a child, a baby. A beautiful baby boy. But AI is going to kill us all anyways, right? Yeah, probably. Right. Eldest loves it. Eldest welcomes our AI overlords. I do think it's just inevitable. You really are. Yeah, you're just giving up, dude. It's inevitable. And then, you know, there will be artistic innovations within the constraints of AI. People.

People will use it in an interesting way. I don't think they really will, honestly. I think they will. Already, it's become so homogenized that what's happened is the most uninteresting, uncreative people type in, like, you know, like, brooding woman with large breasts or something. And they're like, look at this piece of art I made. And it's just...

other people's work that a computer is copying you're just getting a computer to plagiarize for you I think that's Luddite mindset I think it's like when people in the 90s are like oh you can't shoot a film on a digital camera it's a little different than that

It's because you weren't stealing other people's work with every fucking digital camera you were using. It's so new right now, but... The whole point is stealing, though. The computer isn't drawing Superman. It's taking other images of Superman. Whatever. It doesn't fucking matter. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Oh, we're fucked. Yeah, but we are fucked. And there's going to be no jobs. Yeah. Yeah.

No jobs. Well, people keep being like, it's going to be Utopia or Dystopia. And I'm like, well, based on... I think we know. If those are the two options, look what's happening now. I'm like, maybe Utopia will come up. That'll be good. Start learning Chinese, folks. They got bullet trains. They get halfway across the country in 20 minutes. Can you bleep all that, please, Elders? Bleep? I know Chinese. Do you have scotch tape? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I do a really cool... Do not give him scotch tape, Eldest. I do a really cool thing. We don't have to get into that. Just some light brownish makeup. No, none of that will be necessary. Bleep that too, please.

We bleep that to leave Bukkake. Oh, yeah. Come on, man. Oh, Bukkake. I think what is the actual, I feel like Bukkake doesn't, the actual meaning wasn't

like getting your face, you know, painted. I think it's like, it's some kind of original meaning. I love how perfectly you spelled Bukkake right out of the gate. Oh, it is Japanese. To splash with liquid or you didn't know it was Japanese. I mean, I had a sense. It's often used in the context of food, particularly Bukkake Udon. So you can order Bukkake Udon.

Joe goes he's pissed it's not a bowl of jizz with noodles in it. The term bukkake is also widely known as a slang term referring to a sexual act which a group of men ejaculate onto a person, typically a woman. What? Or even onto food. Oh, wow. Now we're talking. Anyway, okay, so it just means splash. I gotcha. But it's taken over. You know, splash videos, but...

Anyway, Joey, what's going on with you, man? How's it been? It's been a little while. How's the boy? How's the wife? He's great. Wife is great. She was just away for five days. She went to the Vail Comedy Festival. Oh, nice. And she booked her flights all whack. She was leaving Friday, and they asked her to book an earlier flight. And they meant, like, earlier in the morning. So she booked Thursday. And when she got there, and she's like, nobody's here. And so she just left an extra day. So she was gone for five days. And so it was just me and the boy. And I got to tell you.

Life-changing experience. I need to quit everything because it was the happiest time of my life Not because my wife was gone right didn't hurt. I

Not because my wife was gone and not because I was with my son. I cleared my schedule. I had five days of no horseshit podcast, no response, no offense, no spots. And I just raised a child for like 12 hours and then put him down and watched hockey and a little bit of basketball. And I was like, this is good. This is a nice life. So that's what I've been up to. And now I'm like, I got to quit all my podcasts. Yeah, probably. Yeah.

making them. So I got to keep doing it. Oh, no, no, not your podcast. You just have to stop doing, with the exception of Stavi's World, you have to stop doing other podcasts probably. But even your own podcast, you got to do one a week plus a Patreon, then I have the regs. It's a lot of work, folks. Oh, it's fucking, our lives are tough. Sure, you're climbing up a ladder and knocking, you know, hammering your thumb and there's bees on you. Yeah. But I got to talk about Kami Bukkake. Yeah.

For like 90 minutes a week. Every week. But that is... Do you just feel like... Like, the fact that it was... The fact that you did have a... You know, you were with your son, though, probably is what also makes it, you know, meaningful, right? No, it's very rewarding. And you really...

I mean, it was just beautiful. We were making eye contact and he's starting to learn all these words. It's really sweet. And he laughs and then you have connection. And now he's old enough to play on his own. So like he'll be playing. You just sit and watch it. It's very meditative. What's he doing? Blocks? What's he working with? He's got blocks. He stacks. He plays trucks, trains, the whole thing.

We can have a pass now. We kind of bounce the ball back and forth. Oh, that's awesome. I mean, it's not like the Field of Dreams catch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He bounces it and it rolls over, whatever. Yeah, you hit him in the head, it rolls back to you. Yeah, and you take him to the park. And we went on the ferry. We took a ride to Astoria to go to the dentist, which was fun. That's awesome. It was awesome. Yeah, it was beautiful. Does he have any obsessions? Is it trucks? We have a friend who her son...

loves sea creatures out of nowhere. Oh, wow. No one in the family ever cared about sea creatures. He saw Finding Nemo once, and he locked in, and now he knows more sea creatures. He knows them in Greek and English. Wow. And it's like he's so locked into sea creatures. It's awesome. I'm the same way. I love clams. There you go. There's your clip. Yeah.

There's your clip, folks. We'll take it. Straight to the top. Take eight minutes off. We got it, baby. We got the viral clip. No, yes. He loves wheels. He's obsessed with wheels and the boat because we live next to the ferry terminal. And he wants to get on every boat and he goes, he does this. Oh, he likes that, yeah. And every wheel, he stops and touches every wheel. And then I had a family friend in town. She was like, that's a sign of autism. And I'm like, an 18-month-old boy that likes wheels? Yes.

I'm like, I think he... What is going on? And then you look up the fucking, what do you call it, symptoms of autism in an 18-month-old, and I'm like, this kid could not be less autistic. He talks, he makes eye contact, he's got, you know, he's fine. Of course. There is, I mean, I think we talked about it the last time you were here, actually, where there is something, autism has just got, basically, it's basically turned into...

You could just say the... You could just drop an R-bomb. You're not supposed to say, you know, right about it anymore. Right. And I think in that vacuum, autism is just...

Right, right. Because you can say autistic, like, oh, there's a little, it's just, it's just that. I think that's really what it is. Yeah. And now everybody talks about it. Everybody says they're a little bit of it. You know what I mean? Yeah. It is a little, it's gotten to the point where as a punchline, it's hack, I think. Yes. As a life hack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. To even bring that up, to be like, he's autistic. It's like, no, he's fucking... You don't know shit, lady. Right. You dumb bitch, whoever you are. Yeah, take that, you whore. Um...

But autism, yeah, has like a lot of symptoms of OCD are very similar. Because I read the symptoms of autism. I'm like, oh, I have a bunch of these, but that's anxiety and OCD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if I don't take my tea bags out after three minutes, I fucking start smacking my head and spit at the people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just start screeching if the jasmine is too strong. So, yeah. Yeah.

Anyways. Was it three minutes? You do have it down. I know you like to steep your tea. It's supposed to be three minutes with a bag, but they put two bags in. So I go about 90 seconds, two minutes. Love that. Give a teabag, somebody. With my actual nuts? Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I've gotten my nuts sucked, but I've never been like, you know, the way like Halo where you kind of... Did you ever do that? No. When you were playing a... That was a fun thing to do in Halo. You would kill someone and then you would crouch. Oh, okay. But it looked like you were putting your nuts in his mouth. That's fun. That's good stuff. I haven't played video games since 1992, but I might pick up a machine and get... Play a little Halo. What is it? PlayStation 3 or something like that? It was an Xbox. It was Xbox's big game. It kept them afloat, I feel like. Are they still alive? Yeah.

I think PlayStation 5 is eating their lunch. I think the Nintendo Switch and Xbox makes the host of a game show. Okay, so they're kind of around. I don't think they really... What's the newest Xbox even fucking called? I think the Switch and the PlayStation pretty much fuck their asses. And they're Microsoft...

newest Xbox Series X. I don't know, Colin, if you're a dork and you think the Xbox is still cool, you let us know. But yeah, we were briefly an Xbox family.

We were Nintendo growing up, so I got a GameCube when I was like, I don't know. That was the best Christmas of my life I've discussed. Me and my brothers, we, everybody loved each other, my family, for about like eight days. Yeah. That Christmas where we got that GameCube. It was literally the closest I've ever felt to my, my fan. Like, it was exactly what I wanted. It was like, truly the,

The best eight days of my childhood is like right that Christmas when, you know, me and my brothers were playing together. We're like playing Star Fox. It's collaborative. That's beautiful. We're doing a Madden franchise together, you know. That's really sweet. It was beautiful. That lasted, you know, about eight days and then slowly diminishing returns from that. But then we moved on to Xbox and now I'm back to PlayStation, you know.

PlayStation in Greece, my cousin played it. We were playing FIFA there. So we've kind of jumped around console-wise. But you were never a big video game guy. No, I went Nintendo and then Sega Genesis. That was my last thing. I was big Tecmo Bowl and then Sonic. And then after that, I just kind of became a man. I got my first smell of pussy and I said goodbye forever.

Having stopped sniffing the cooch. I think it was maybe more your first smell of whiskey. Whatever. Whiskey pussy, all the same. Folks, summertime, baby. You know what that means? Float in a pool, drink a delicious beverage. Maybe something, I don't know, delicious. Maybe something brewed with real iced tea. Maybe something that's a crisp 5% alcohol per volume. Huh? I think you know what I'm talking about.

I think you know what I'm talking about. Twisted motherfucking tea. Keep it twisted. That's right. You're going to want to keep it twisted. I know who listens to this show. They're freaking fun hunters. Are you hunting fun out there? Maybe you're hunting a little something else. Maybe it rhymes with hunt, too. We won't go into all that, will we, Elders? This is a paid advertisement after all.

But either way, no matter what you're up to this summer, what you're going to want to do is sip on a mother-freaking twisted tea. You know we're sucking them down all summer here at Stavi's World, Stavi Baby Enterprises. Kick back, relax, chill. What I want you to do, grab a refreshing twisted tea today, and remember, keep it twisted.

Now speaking of Xbox, now here's what's really been going on. You want to hear a crazy story? I do, I do. You want me to give you a nice... Give me something juicy. Something nice, something whatever, spicy, sexy, hot. Give me something spicy, yes. So speaking of Xbox, I'm in Cleveland. Mm-hmm.

I like to do yoga on the road. You know me, I'm a yoga guy. And I book a class Friday morning. I'm working hilarities. I go do yoga at this yoga studio, 7.30 in the morning. It's a hot. 7.30, wow. Well, I wake up early now because of the baby. I go to bed early. I wake up early. But still, you're doing spa. I mean, it's hard for me to go to sleep on the road because you're just amped from the late show. Well, this is the thing. I don't have those kind of shows. My late shows are a little sleepy.

Irish show, my latest show, it's all the waitresses come in with coats and they're like, it was nice to meet you. And I'm like, where are you guys? What's going on here? But, I'm kidding. I should stop making jokes like this because everyone takes everything serious. People are like, Joe's broke, this is why he's failing. And I'm always like, I'm doing better than 99% of comedians that have ever done comedy. Of course, it's so funny. It's like three comics doing better than me and they're my best friends. Um,

I make a lot of money. I'm very successful. Joe's doing great. One of the best in the biz. Six, seven women on each coast. But anyways, so I get up early. I do yoga. And then the next day I was like, what should I do tomorrow? I'm trying to make commitments, right?

Like I read the book Atomic Habits. You ever read that book? It's a hell of a book. I'm going to check it out. I didn't read it. I listened to it, but it's awesome. It's great. But it was one of the things about it is you got to commit to something before. So you pay for the class before you go because you'll be less likely to can't like if you just go, I'm going to do yoga on Friday. Yeah. But if you sign up and pay, you're right. I got a receipt. I'm here. I got to go. So I did that again. I was like, I'm going to do yoga the next day, Saturday morning, 730 a.m. I'm going.

wake up i didn't want to go but i was like that fuck it you signed up let's go yeah atomic habits baby you're getting your life together i run over there i open the door my ex-girlfriend that i lived together 17 years ago what who lived in cleveland in cleveland she's from denver what the fuck moved to san diego got married in san diego i haven't talked to her in seven and a half years haven't seen her spoken to her no contact whatsoever oh my her husband's a doctor he's like a

So he works. Holy shit. Maybe I shouldn't give out too much information. Yeah, we'll bleep out where it works. She moved to Cleveland. I opened the door. It's like clang. And I look up. It was like a fucking movie. Oh, my God. I started shaking. I was like, what the fuck? And she knew I was coming because when I signed up, they get an email like Joseph List. She's a teacher. She's the yoga instructor.

So it was like seven minutes for class. Oh my, so you're looking, it's not even like she's in the corner, you're gonna get over. And so we had to like catch up after eight years and then I just go into her class. She has the little fucking thing. And she's like, okay, class. And I'm like- How many people in the class? Like six. Oh my God. It was like five of the hottest women I've ever seen. And your ex-girlfriend? And then my ex. Who was also attractive. But it was just the most insane experience of my life. To be doing that at seven in the morning too. It was-

mind-blowing, jarring, the craziest thing. And at this point, I was just like, oh, we didn't have like a bad, we remained friends for a while. And then it wasn't like we were like, I'm never talking to you again, you piece of shit. It's just kind of you fall off. You're both married. And how about this? We had kids three days apart. Wow.

She's like, she didn't know I was a father. She's like, you're a dad? That's crazy. I'm like, yeah, he's a year and a half. She's like, I have a one and a half year old. What's his birthday? We do the birthdays three days apart. That's nuts. We had children at the same time. Wow. And yeah, it was fucking wild. That is wild. So then we talked all day, every day. Yeah, you reconnected.

That's great. You're on Signal, the one you can't track. Well, Sarah, my wife who you know, dear friend. Of course. Dear friend of yours. Or dear wife of mine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My wife, she's one of my great, she's a really dear friend. Good buddy. Well, she was like, it's like the universe wants you to fuck. I'm like...

Maybe the universe wants us to reconnect. Yeah, be friends. Because I ran into my ex. So, you know, maybe we should each fucking say... The signs are there. I'm like, wait, what? The big Latino guy? Yeah.

Yeah, it was fucking, it was wild. I mean, I was like, and then, like I said, you have to like get into like, all right, we're doing yoga. Yeah, now I have to clear my mind and like be in a meditative state where all you're thinking about is this person. Fucking crazy. But it's nice catching up with someone you haven't seen in a while. Yeah. Like, how you been? I'm like, well, I live in Battery Park City, bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here's my balcony, you whore. Remember the drunk guy that shit in your shoes? Is this that person? No, that wasn't an egg. That was a random one. Oh, that was a restaurant.

No, this was like we lived together the whole thing. We'll get married someday. It was a real serious thing. I went to Peru. I did a one-man show about it. I remember this. Yeah, yeah. Damn. That is nuts. She called me ugly. She kind of apologized for that. That was nice. Yeah, kind of.

She said, I'm so sorry. Okay. But it wasn't like a sit down, like, I want to tell you I'm sorry. It was like, remember you said that? And she was like, oh my God, I'm so sorry. You piece of shit. I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it. Well, this is what she said, because I had a...

a horrible overbite and crooked teeth. She's like, "Are you gonna get surgery?" At the time I made like 11 grand a year. - Yeah, surgery? - That's what I said. I was like, "Reconstructive surgery?" - You want me to break my jaw in nine places and not talk for a year? - This is my girlfriend. And I was like, "I don't think so." I was like, "Surgery?"

Oh, it's worse. So then I'm like, I don't think so. And then she literally said, this is a quote. She goes, so you're just going to like look like that forever. Oh my God. I told Alan, my therapist. And he's like, you can't talk to this woman ever again. He's like, this is horrible. Yeah. Then there was another one. I've told, I tried to do this as a bit, but it never worked. I one time, when we first started dating, we were like, I might probably tell you this story. We were madly in love. And so I, she left her like Gmail up. We lived together. And so I searched my name and,

It's going to be just me being like, he's the best. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it was a conversation with her friend. It was a G-chat. It was a G-chat. And it was like, and I found what I wanted to find. She's like, he's amazing. He's hilarious. I'm like in love with him. I literally think he's the one. Wow. And then she's like, he's not attractive, but I just think he's so sweet and funny. Oh. And so I just had to read her behind my back. Oh.

Literally just be like, he's ugly. He is. Now look, I close my eyes to not. I can't really look at him. I kind of do that thing. I kind of cross my eyes. I kind of do the thing where you're doing an eye spy and you try and look at the magic eye thing. Like I do that to not focus on his features. That was horrible. It was so hard. That stuff too, because it's like, that is...

That's the truth. That's deep in her, her and her best friends who are actually doing, because we've all done that where you're like, I like this thing, I like this thing, I hate this thing, but I love her. And it's, and even though it's in the context of he's the one, I love him, whatever, it's

It was devastating. If your girl doesn't think you're hot, Jesus Christ. Well, we had another one later, too, where we were hanging out with some friends. I'm sorry to keep making this worse, but she didn't even say he's like...

you know, maybe he's not conventional, but I just find him so attractive. She didn't even say like, I don't even get it. Like I've had women thinking they're being like nice to me, be like, I don't know why, but I find you attractive. You know what I mean? Which is like, all right, I know what you mean. And that is the way you can find me attractive because you can't just be like, well, that's what I like. But she didn't even say that. She just said, I'm not.

He's ugly, but I like it. I'm going to give it a try. I like everything else about him, but man. But another time we were hanging out and she was like, they're talking about what's your type? And she was like, well, I like, you know, I'm from Denver. I like a kind of an outdoorsy guy. I like long hair and tan, big build. She described it. I'm like, wait, what? Can you at least fake it?

Come up with, just for my benefit, I'm sitting here. Say, I don't really have a type. You know what I mean? Do something. Tall. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I like a real tall guy. Tall, that's it. Even if he's lanky, I still like height. Yeah. Funny. I like a funny, tall guy. Funny, tall guy. Something fucked up about his jaw and face. Herpes. Yeah, I like his front teeth to be a few inches in front of his bottom teeth.

But anyways, now I have a beard and I straightened my teeth. The beard is nice. I got money. I like the beard. So now it's like, and I think kid is big too. That makes you look like a real man. For sure, for sure. Absolutely. So every day I send her a photo of me and my boy.

No good? I love that, dude. Yeah, that is really funny. I mean, to be smacked in the face with that. It's like if you went to Indianapolis and saw your girlfriend there. It's fucking crazy. It was seriously the most insane thing. And she's kind of like...

kind of came from money and was in the, like, and was a world traveler. Like, she left me, she went to Argentina, I visited her in Peru one time. So, I thought she would have lived in fucking Bhutan before she lived in Cleveland. Cleveland, yeah. Which is another nice thing when you see an ex and you're living in Battery Park City and you're living in Cleveland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I win this round. Yeah, and remind me, what was the job that you compared your salary to to say it was good? A doctor? Oh, and what is her husband's name? Yeah, yeah, he's a doctor. Yeah.

Doctor working fucking 700 hours a week, coming home exhausted. She never sees him. Doesn't help with the kids. I'm with my son all day, every day.

Except when I'm doing labor here. Except for right now. Yeah, this is work. Yeah, and then, you know, maybe we'll hang out for a couple hours after, you know. Eat some pizza and a cookie. I do love the cover doing podcasts gives, like, friends with families. Like, I've had people who are like, you know, sometimes I feel bad because we do kind of record for a while. Yeah. You know, it's not like your typical hour in and out, whatever. And then for some people, I feel really bad. And then for other people, they're like, okay, okay. But sometimes you can go longer, too. Like, you can tell who hates their family. But they're like, no,

I'm hanging, dude. It's all good. Yeah, I'm cool. Want to do another one? Yeah. Let's do another one. Let's do a Patreon, dude. Who cares? I can't wait to get home. I love my son. It is fun. And wife. Yeah, yeah. Whatever her name is. Her name's Cleveland. No, I don't know. What do you get the man who's got it all or says he doesn't need anything?

This Father's Day, skip the ties and get your dad something he'll actually love. An Aura Digital Frame. My pops, I'll be honest with you, it's been a while since I got him anything. This is the first year that my dad's been actually in my life for like a decade. And it's the perfect year. Honestly, I'm actually pumped. I got 10 years of pictures to fill an Aura Frame with. We're on speaking terms again.

I'm excited to gift him. I literally am going to get him an or frame for Father's Day. That's the truth. This isn't even the ad, folks. I'm excited to give him one picture of me and Eldis across America on tour. My father has no idea what my life is like. I'll probably fill it up as part of my duties. Yeah, Eldis will be filling it up if we're being honest. Put some nice pictures on there. Yeah, just find 40 nice pictures. I don't fucking care.

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I mean, it is beautiful, though. I mean, I am in the... You do see a lot of my friends are in the, you know, having kids zone. Like, at first, it was people I knew of, obviously, like...

you know, outside social, not the inner circle. Now it's like, really my best friends are all kind of in that zone. And it is beautiful. You know, my brother had a kid. We got, we got a little, we got the nephew of the podcast who's out there. So cute. He came to the, he came to the DC show. He's there with his little, like little earmuffs in a balcony, you know, watching it was, it was really cute. And it was, yeah, we brought him on the bus. He's in a little, they just put a little track suit for me. It was so fucking cute.

And you do see like the and even though it is probably, you know, just the animal thing that you're supposed to do. You see a little baby that you're related to or you love their parents or whatever. And you're like, I would literally like kill and die for this little lump of like, you know, this little lump. Yeah. And there is something just like, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Because I've had days where I have nothing to do and I'm like, shouldn't I do something? Right. And you realize like, oh yeah, that's for having children. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? Like that's what that like, you figured everything out, you have some time in the day, it's for that. You know what I mean? Yeah, no, it's wonderful. It's the best. I can't, I mean, thinking about it makes me just want to go home. I'm like, this is stupid. What am I doing here? Yeah, yeah. Selling my specials. Yeah, yeah, that's right. Whoa! Right after we talk about seeing my ex, we have a weird fucking cut.

It's going to look so incriminating. Leave this in. Beverly, leave this in. I'm like, yeah, so I saw my ex. It was great to see her. But yeah, I think the capital of Florida is Sarasota, if I'm not mistaken. No, I know. It is fun. I'm excited. And just think about him being like, you think about like, as a kid,

turning into a person and a guy you can hang out with. But this is what scares me. I just feel like the world, I'm worried the world is going to be fucked so hard for him. It will be, yeah. Like, I won't even understand how to teach him life. Oh, dude. Like, he's going to go to school and I'm going to be like, I'm thinking of like chalk and,

it's going to be robots. There's no chalk. There's no chalk. It's going to be a robot fucking lady shooting us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Well, if it's a robot, if there's robot teachers, you don't have to worry about, you know, sexual indiscretions. That's good. I guess you're right. There's some robot priests. That's the future.

They stop fucking, maybe, you know, we're back in. But AI, there'll be a lot of good stuff, too. They'll solve cancer and all that shit. Oh, that's usually what happens. Climate change. Oh, definitely. Right? Big business won't continue to profit off of suffering. That's what happens when a new technology, they use it for good.

No, but that, they'll make money off of that. I don't think so, man. I'm just, I'm very skeptical. And at least, I don't, you know, it just, again, seems like it's mostly stealing. Like whatever AI, it just feels like a search engine or it's stealing to me. Again, I don't know shit, obviously. Some of it is like shortcuts, like, you know, whatever. But we don't fucking know what we're talking about. I just have no. I don't know why you're saying we. You don't know what you're talking about. You have no idea. I know. Oh, yeah? Oh, dude. Okay.

I know, it doesn't help that everything I think of with machines is like, well, the Terminator, of course. It's so easy to say we're in Skynet, and I don't necessarily disagree. I guess, I think we are also giving it too much credit. I actually don't think it's that cutting edge is really where I come down on it. But it's growing exponentially.

I guess. I mean, Eldest is going to be the first one out of a job. No, that's the good thing, is that I will be able to replace Eldest for a fraction. The robots will always need a competent human to oversee the output. They're nothing without the human behind them. It's all going to be run by Eldest. It's going to be all barely competent middle managers that are going to thrive under AI. We could use a few more Eldest out there. I think so. There we go. That's what I'm saying. For the Bukkake, I mean. Yeah.

Think of all those Bukkake videos. I think that robot thing, that's clip number two, I'm thinking. I got some big ones. Small ball, baby. Small ball. YouTube. Check it out. Yeah, I don't know. Should we help the people, Eldest? Are we ready to really take some calls, really help? We've got a wise father who just barely dodged cheating with an ex. That's what we cut out. Whoa.

hip-ho. These people believe the shit. You're right, you're right, you're right. Every fucking thing. I was just talking about this in run-ons. I think I'm the most misunderstood because I'm very deadpan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything I say, people are like, this guy fucking hates black people. He's afraid of cats. That is true. They think you and Bobby both are racist. You know that? I'm doing a gag. Yeah.

We got to get you and Bobby back on. Christmas this time, we're not smoking. Actually, maybe if we move, we should just smoke cigars in here one last time. But let's take precautions. Get a fan. Get a fan, open the window. AI can make us smokier. Eldest can suck in our smoke. Every time we exhale, we do it into Eldest's mouth. Oh, I'm into that. That's hot. My dick's getting hard. Mine's remaining hard.

Clip number three. Hit us with some questions, Big Eld. Can't hear shit. Oh, boy. See, we need AI. Eldest is fucking up. He is about... Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldest. Hope you guys are doing well. I have a question not for me, but for a friend. Oh, sure. Classic. So, he is about...

to have a baby with his wife and we've always talked about having good looking girls and we know she's about to have some thick tendencies and Scotty baby we know you're a thick sexy motherfucker but we don't know about having that for the girls so what's your advice

- What are you talking about? - Having a thick girl come into this life. She had some thick girl tendencies. She started getting those arms, those elbows and those legs. Like she was getting girls. So how do I coach my boy through this pregnancy and make sure he stays around?

After she gets birth. What is this fucking question? I like it. She's getting those fat people elbows. He's just saying my wife is getting fat from having my child. How do I stick around?

His friend's wife. Still. Can I say, I have a, like, I was joking about all the bukkake and the business. I have, like, a pregnant, my wife, when she was pregnant, I was so into her. Yeah. And I have a doctor that's, like, pregnant right now. She's hot anyways. But I'm like, I like it. It's sexy. And if she's not fat before, she probably won't remain fat. And it's, like, cheating. You're like, I have a fat girlfriend. So, like...

For like four months, you got a fatso. It's a fucking beautiful gift. I'm going to have another kid just so I can have a fat-titted wife for like five months. It's like the best thing ever. You have a different body. I like that idea. Yeah, that's a nice way to look at it. You know, I would say take that approach, what Joe is saying. What you're saying is like...

He's like, well, if my wife gets too fat having my child, I don't want to stick around. That's the best line. Yeah. How am I going to keep him sticking around after he has a baby? Or even he's saying like, you know, we've always talked about having good looking girls. It's like,

What's more important, your boy... Like, that's the other thing that's so funny is, like, wanting credit from your boy for getting pussy. That's such, like, 20-year-old mentality. Right. Where it's like, well, what's important is I show my friends who I fucked and they think it's cool. Right. Not, you know, enjoying the person... Loving the person that I'm with and having a child with them. So...

I like Joe's approach. I honestly did not care for his tone, if I'm being honest here. And the holds for my friend stuff and we've always talked about. It sounds like he wants to fuck his friend also. She's already getting those elbows. Yeah, she's getting fat elbows. I've never heard a man refer to a woman's elbows ever once in my entire life for any reason. Yeah. Also, I feel like that's the place you can't gain weight. Yeah, that's a bone. If he's talking, I mean, maybe he's talking about like lunch lady arms.

That's tough. I will admit, that is a tough look. That's one thing I praise God that he made me the type of fat guy that does not have those arms. Saggy elbows. Saggy. Yeah, like when it's coming down here. That's tough. That's a tough look. But, you know, all we're talking about is somebody gaining a little weight. Relax. Exactly. It's like cheating. That's a good way to look at it. That's a good way to get through to a misogynist about this. It's like fucking a different bitch, dude.

No, it's awesome. I loved it. You know, I definitely have taken some strolls through the pregnancy part of xvideos.com. Not too much, but like when the tits get huge and you just... And they're veiny. I love a veiny, blue-veined tit.

But then you start thinking like, damn, dude, what's going on in her life? She has to do porn while pregnant. Yeah, that's the hard part. That feels like the kid. It feels slightly traumatizing. Yeah. The child. The child's in the womb. Basically, there's a child, you know, if it's late enough in the game, when you see the real crazy ones, it's like, well, that basically and I'm not I'm definitely a guy that's pretty, you know,

It's really not a kid until pretty close to it coming out. But it's tough to just be like, you were in there. I was nine months pregnant and just getting nutted in. I have big black cock for money. Who knows what color it was. The one I watched was black. Joe's bukkake black pregnant porn. So you're pro-choice? Yes, I am. Wow.

All right, another topic we can't talk about. Put it on the Joe List problem, or whatever, you know, Joe List is a fascist supercut. Let's do that. Let's just completely misrepresent Joe. You think you know what the clips are, pal. We got a supercut coming.

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hi salve eldest and steam guests um thank you i have a friend group it's me and three other guys so four of us total um we're all pretty good dudes there's just one guy we all know each other from college there's one guy though who is an alcoholic um pretty bad uh the first time my fiance met him he drank in his non-exaggeration because we counted he drank like 32 beers in like

Awesome. Okay.

I'm getting married next August, and I want to make this group of friends my groomsmen. And my fiance, like I said, the first time she's met him, he was blackout drunk. He drank over like $100 and something worth of her liquor that she was having for New Year's. It was a whole fight. I have some insight into this. He was passed out on our couch and left the next morning at 5 a.m., still drunk. Driving is not good. But anyway, she didn't want me to invite him.

And so I told him, I said, hey, you need to figure your shit out to be invited. I'm not going to be a groomsman yet, or I want to, but you need to figure your shit out or else you're not invited to the wedding. And for a couple months, he was doing good. But then one day he goes missing to the point where he's not answering calls or texts. I do call in a missing persons report up in a couple states away.

And he just shows back up out of nowhere and pretends like nothing happened, refuses to address it. And now he's posting pictures in our group chat of him drinking 40s and stuff on a Wednesday afternoon. So the question is really, how do I make the other two friends groomsmen in the friend group exclude this guy and not be an asshole when I say, hey, you can't come to the wedding because we don't want you blackout drunk.

being annoying and ruining the day and whatnot. Yeah, that's all I got. Thank you. Interesting. I had this exact situation. Really? Yeah. What happened? Well, it's one of the funniest stories ever.

All right, let's hear it. So I had a friend. He wasn't a groomsman, but I didn't have groomsmen. But I just had a best man. You were there. I was there. But anyways, I had a friend that was a big drunk like me, and then I got sober, and he kept drinking. And he lived in Boston. All my friends kept warning me, like, hey, this guy is, like, fucking really out of control right now. He got thrown out of a minor league baseball game by the umpire.

The umpire, you're out. I swear to God. I mean, is that not the fucking craziest thing? Like the actual with the mask umpire was like, you, you're gone. Want me to run you?

You know, looking up is insane. Yeah. So anyway, so and then he hit my other friend. And so I talked to Sarah, my therapist, and I was like, I think Sarah was like, whatever. It's your call. Yeah. But I sent him a lot. I don't know if this is helpful, but I sent him a long message and just wrote like, I can't invite you to the wedding. I'm hearing these stories. I just don't want you to fuck your mess. You're a black guy.

And then I was, it was really one of the hardest things I've done to tell this like close friend. I was one of his groomsmen to tell this person, I can't have you at my wedding, your liability, whatever. And then I thought it was kind of like, okay, I took care of that. And then he wrote back like the most beautiful, thoughtful email. It was like, I love you. I need this. I would never be a problem at your wedding. I promise I won't drink again.

Just let me be part of whatever. And it was a beautifully written, thoughtful message. So I brought it up to my therapist and to Sarah. And she's like, it's totally your call. And I decided to give him the go ahead. Be like, you can come. Because that meant a lot to me. Of course. His response. Here's the punchline. He's sitting in the back. Sarah, my wife, is walking up the aisle with her dad. And I look back. And just out of the corner of my eye, I see him next to her. He goes, he did the two-finger eating pussy thing.

Which is so fucking funny because he didn't drink. He left early. He came. He didn't make a scene, but he still couldn't not do the like, eat her box. I mean, imagine that guy with even four beers in him at your wedding. I mean, it's fucking hilarious. Doing the pussy eating maneuver when she's walking down the aisle. Yeah, like next to her. Like the image is my wife, her dad, and my friend eating pussy.

It's just too good. And he was sober? Dead sober. But anyways... That is kind of nice that he sent you this thoughtful... And he actually held up his... Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he was great. And he danced on the dance floor. I think he threw his knee out on the dance floor and left early. But... So anyways, yeah, I think you got to tell this guy. And it's your wife is number one on the day of the wedding. Yes, absolutely. So I would...

Give her the option of what do you think I should do? Do you want him here or not? And I think if your wife says, I don't want this fucking guy at my wedding, you got to say no. Absolutely, yeah. And look, we hear it in his voice, right? This is brutal. And what you were feeling when you were sending him that message is horrible because it's like, you're one of my best friends. Of course I want you there. And it's not even really his fault. It's obviously his addiction. So that's what's really sad about it is that like,

It's not even really him, right? Like, especially you as a sober person, you understand that, that it's like, if he took care of his shit, he could be there. And there is definitely a version of our caller here. There's a version of his friend that if he's, you know, hopefully someday he gets sober, hopefully this is something, you know, he can look back on the fucked up shit, you know, the dumb shit he used to do. But, and his question is, how do I get the friends to exclude him? I mean, if your other friends...

don't understand why your wife doesn't want this guy at your wedding, they're fucking idiots too. You know what I mean? Like that's part of it. It's like if this was, you know, luckily we don't have anybody like this in our close friends or whatever, but like if there was a guy that you, that it was like that a significant other very fairly had a reason to not want at your wedding and it was like one of our best friends, I wouldn't be like,

come on, dude, your wife's being a bitch. You know what I mean? Like, that's insane, you know? So I'm sorry, you know, sorry that you have to go through this, but I think you've kind of, he already did the conversation you said. Right. He already said, I can't have you there. You know, if anything, maybe our friend kind of tried a little too early, right? Like he kind of tried to get him to fix his whole life and it's like,

Maybe you should have just kept your powder dry and been like, you can't come unless you're sober for the wedding. And the second you see him drink, you got to toss it. But then again, this guy's fucking 6'8".

and you don't want to have that whole, you don't want that hanging over. You don't want to be thinking about that during your wedding. See, I thought he hasn't asked him. Doesn't he say, need to figure out or else you're not invited? Oh, he said, you got to figure it out or you're not invited. So he said that and then the guy was trying and then he fell off the wagon. And now he's basically like, okay, so he's used up his chances. How do I break it to my friends? And it's like, dude, you told, they know about this.

If they don't think this is... Right. You know what I mean? If they don't understand where you're coming from, they're being fucking idiots. And I think all you do is you have the conversation. You let them know. You know, like, hey, I just can't have him. Like, it's just a fucking liability. I don't want him ruining my wedding. And it's really sad, but he just can't come.

And they'll probably be bummed, but if they don't understand it, then you can go from there. Because I think what probably is going to happen is you have this conversation, you're dreading it because it's a hard conversation to have with your... If a friend group has one guy that you've been friends with since you were kids and he's not at your wedding, that feels bad for everyone. But...

You're worried about something that hasn't happened yet, right? Like you're worried that they're going to have this conversation and be like, dude, you're a fucking asshole. How could you like not bring drunk Ed to your fucking wedding? Don't worry about that yet. We are not there yet. This is classic like anxiety and worrying about something that hasn't happened yet. So one step at a time. If they then act like dickheads, you could be like, well, listen, man, that's just how it is.

I want you to be my groomsman. And if they've argued with you about it, then it's like you worry about them. You cross that bridge when you get to it. Right. And you put it on the guy. Like you care about him. I want you to get help. We're worried about you. Go to rehab. You fucking whatever. Put it on him. Yeah. And it is his. That is something he has to do. Yeah. I mean, there's no way. There's no way around it.

So, yeah, whatever. But 32 beers in four hours. That's pretty cool. He does sound cool. I will say that. This is a guy that was awesome when he was 20. Yeah. You know what I mean? I like the cut of his jib. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That sounds like college level. Also, just like how specific that number is too. You could like see yourself telling a story like that when you're like 21. Dude, I'm telling you. He drank 35 and a half beers. I mean, that's eight beers an hour. Yeah. I could have done that in college probably. He's a big guy. Yeah, you probably could have. Well, I guess that is a lot. You probably could have. Psych, pussy. You're a lightweight.

Not from my angle. Hit us with another. Hey, Spav. Hi, Eldis. I am calling with a particularly odd dilemma. So my boyfriend and I live together in a house where our two other roommates, they're separate. They're not together as a couple, but they are both gay.

My landlord, who is one of the roommates, has cameras all over the house. Mainly outside, but there are a couple inside and like, I think one in his room and one in the common area. They're inside. Anyway, my boyfriend and I are pretty physical, sexually. And he likes to try and get down with the get down thing.

when we're sitting around the fireplace or just enjoying a drink, whatever. I'm uncomfortable because there's cameras everywhere. I know that he's not going to watch this and get off to it. I know that that's not the point. You don't know that, I guess. I don't know. The cameras make me super uncomfortable. They were here when I moved in. I've only lived here about a month. I'm sorry I'm rambling. Don't be. How the fuck do I get over it?

I mean, I don't want to go up to the man and be like, take your cameras down, but also... And you might be thinking, well, why not just fuck in your bedroom? I mean, we do, but...

I feel bad turning my guy down all the time over this weird peeve that I... I don't even know if it's a peeve, but anyway. Blah, blah, blah. Love you guys. Thank you. You don't want to be... You don't want to fuck in an area where it's being... There's security cameras? I mean, this is insane, dude. I mean, I respect what a people pleaser... I hear this and it's like...

you know, how this woman's like bending over backwards and she sounds like a cool girlfriend. Yeah. Yeah. Or the guy sounds like a very, a guy who's good at guilting someone. But imagine, like, okay, if you and your boyfriend were sitting around a fireplace and in the corner of the yard, your landlord was sitting there reading a newspaper. Right. And he's not really paying attention. He's reading the newspaper, whatever. Would you want to suck his dick then? No, it would be weird. That's,

That's essentially what the security camera is. The camera in a common area is also psychotic in general. Yeah, I mean, the two issues here are, hey, we don't want... Now, I don't know what exactly the camera is. Like, is it like...

Is that your private space? Like when you rented that place, was it like private backyard? Because if that's the case, you could say, I don't really want a camera here. I feel like it's not private. I just don't like the idea. Because like, let's say somebody fucking breaks into your house. Yeah, it could be a black neighborhood. Yeah.

I suppose it could be a white neighborhood. It could be an Asian neighborhood. You know, break-ins happen everywhere. Just kidding. That's a bit. Don't clip it. Break-ins happen everywhere, you know. Don't clip. Um...

Let's say, like, yeah, nothing happens right now, right? And then the fucking cops come, or even your landlord, and they scroll through eight times you're sucking your boyfriend's dick to find the culprit or whatever. You know what I mean? Like, you're not in the wrong here at all to feel uncomfortable. And your question being, how do I get past my pretty...

pretty reasonable boundary and suck my boyfriend's dick on camera on like, even though no one's gonna watch it and my gay landlord is not gonna jack off to it, you don't wanna do it and you shouldn't feel bad for not wanting to do it. Now, as a tenant, if you're like, hey, this feels like a little bit of a, you know, too, you have cameras too much in my, this doesn't feel private, I don't like this here, that's something you can talk to your landlord about, but...

Those are the two issues you can talk about, not how do I get over this to make my boyfriend happy. Can I also add, first of all, just because the guy's gay doesn't mean he's not going to watch you guys fucking. Yeah, yeah. Like if I had surveillance camera and two men just were railing each other, I'd take a look. I would take a look for a second. I'd be like, oh, that's interesting. Also, this is just a side note. What kind of people, I've never heard of someone with roommates having a fireplace before.

I think it's a fire pit, right? It's an outdoor fireplace. Oh, okay. Because she said there's cameras outside. There's also two cameras inside, one in the common area, one in the landlord's bedroom. Outside, we're sitting around the fireplace. Okay, that makes a little more sense. I'm just picturing a home with a fireplace. You don't usually have roommates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who can afford a fireplace but needs roommates? Well, you know, you never know. Hard times, I guess. Sometimes you get a nice place and the only way you can afford it is because there's fucking five of you in there. Right.

Like you used to be. Yeah, exactly. This apartment. Even without cameras, it's ballsy to have two roommates and like try to fuck your girlfriend like in the backyard where anyone could just walk in at any time. Yeah, that's the thing. It's like you're not wrong here. You

You have a thing, like you have something that makes you uncomfortable and that's okay. You know what I mean? Like some people are into like exhibitionist stuff, right? Like I've been out with girls who liked like flashing their tits in a restaurant and like it's kind of hot. They're like, ooh, maybe we get caught. But it's like, and then I've tried to, one time I tried to fuck outdoors and I couldn't do it because it was like,

People were walking by. I kept losing my heart on because I was like, oh, someone's coming. You know what I mean? We were in a weird little bush area. And it's like, whatever. You're just not into it. You don't have to feel bad about this. You just fuck where you feel comfortable. And if you want to do something kind of naughty, outdoors, go camping and suck his dick in the woods or something. But it's like...

You don't have to do this if you don't want to, man. Also, you're going to go to hell for living with homos, so you might as well just living with gay men. Right, right. That's an implicit approval of their lifestyle. You're going to be living inside of a fireplace for eternity with these sinning gays.

Yeah, I'm guessing, Elders, what is the living situation here? It's like her landlord and her boyfriend? No, it's two gay guys. They're not dating. They're just two single gay guys they live with. One of them is the landlord, so I don't know if he owns it. So it's a big house? It's not apartments? I think it's a big house. Oh, this is crazy. A big backyard and a fireplace. You should not feel bad. Yeah, sorry. I thought it was an apartment. They had their own place.

And there's like cameras in the common areas. I guess it could be an apartment like with, you know, just a big ass apartment. Right. You know. With a common backyard or whatever. So anyway, either way, yeah, you're fine, dude. Don't fucking, don't do something if you don't want to. And, you know, go fuck somewhere else outside where there's no cameras and maybe there's a little more privacy. Your gay roommates might not see you. Wow, two gay guys, they're not dating.

I'm assuming they fucked. Yeah, yeah. Every couple hours or so. These people, you have no idea. I knew a couple of these guys back when I was in Boston. Yeah, yeah. We took care of them. We took care of them. We sucked them off. They're gone now. I got embedded to really learn their lifestyle. The amount of times they wanted... I said, when I was on the court, I had to fuck them four or five times a day. What else we got? LD? LD.

Hey, Stav. Hey, Eldest. Big fan. Coming to see you in Pittsburgh this coming Thursday. That was a fun show. So I know you said not to buy Thursday tickets, but... No, that's for comedy clubs. That's for comedy clubs. Please buy tickets. Let me be very clear. Come see me any time at a theater. It's the one time I'm in town. I just said Thursday is kind of a weird day at comedy clubs. It's your warm-up show. If you're a real fan of comedy and you want to see somebody really kind of try...

new stuff or kind of get their legs underneath them. It's fun. It's a fun show, but I think, I think the Saturday, Friday, Saturday is better personally. Yeah. It must be nice to be in a place where you can tell your fans not to come on certain nights. That,

That's not what I'm saying. Come Thursday, Friday. Any show. No, listen, buy the Thursday tickets too. But if you have first dibs, I would say as a consumer, typically Saturday early. Saturday early is the best show. So is Saturday late if it's not too late. People aren't too drunk. But yeah, that's all I was saying. But thank you for coming to the show in Pittsburgh. That was a great show. Awesome. It's all good. Hopefully you're lit.

I'm a Gen Z listener and this call is about AI in college. I don't know if this is pertaining to anything, but I really need advice. So I use AI to pretty much fucking write everything. I use the generators to see like, oh, it's 40% AI generated. It's 100% AI generated. Because I feel like the teachers probably use that.

But I have these long ass papers, seven page papers. Seven pages is long? And they give you so much work. How could I not use AI? Oh my, pause this shit. Anyway, let me get to the point.

This legit is making me old man yells a cloud. I really feel like Grandpa Simpson right now. Seven pages is fucking long? Seven double-spaced pages? It's not short, but come on. It's not that much fucking work. That's kind of fucking insane. No, we're done. We're cooked. We're so fucked. And look, I empathize, right? Because I remember being in college or even high school, and there was shit like...

summarize.com, or just some random shit that I would do, but it was so clearly, you would get instantly busted if you used it, or cliff notes, or like, you know, shit that existed, and I get it. It's tempting to use the shortcut, right? But I just, you had, like, me and Elvis are fucking stupid, right?

And we could do this easily. Yeah, yeah. I mean, Joe, again, was blacking out. He wouldn't even bother even applying for community college. I didn't think about going to college for a single second. And I respect that. And you are right about that. But like...

You're complaining about doing something like in one generation essentially right from millennial to Gen Z. We're two dumb guys Seven pages was not that much. It was a little annoying, but it was not that much work It's become an insurmountable fucking thing for a lot for these kids that to not use AI that is scary So anyway, let's finish what she's saying But I you know, I just want to say like we really are fucked and we're essentially cooked here. Well, could I not use a iron? Anyway, let me get to the point

So I have a paper, seven pages. It's 45% AI generated. That's what it's saying. It's saying 100%. And some of these other detectors, I use Grammarly. I don't know. Sorry for the free plug. But should I be paranoid? Like, am I going to get hit with plagiarism and like ruin my fucking life? Or should I also not give a fuck because everybody uses it?

Everybody uses AI. I see these discussion board questions that all are the exact same essay with the same reference. And like, no one gives a fuck. Like, I don't know. What's your opinion? Because you're definitely not going to answer this in time, but for future. Thank you. Love you guys. Bye. Okay. Here's my opinion. And back to old man stuff is like,

Don't even go to college then. Like, you know, just like... You don't have to go to fucking college. I think college, for a lot of people, is fucking stupid. The only reason I enjoyed going to college is because I met some of my best friends and it was like more of a social thing and like, you know, I was hosting shows at my college and I used it for that stuff. But other...

And it was nice to kind of learn about certain things, you know, that I was interested in. But was it necessary? Even if I wasn't doing comedy, would I have wanted to go to college? Probably not. I probably would have wanted to fucking ended up like trying to run my own business or do some other shit. Like I didn't like the the jobs that college gives you. I don't think would have been for me. Go to a fucking blue, you know, do a jobs training program, do some other shit.

If you're going to college, what is the fucking point of... You're basically robbing yourself here. I hate to sound like literally a fucking parent, but it's like the whole point of going to college is that you do the reading, you find references, you learn about the topics, and then you have knowledge. It's not to get a grade and get debt. Like, the whole point is to actually learn something, and you...

are you're sort of robbing yourself of the ability to get the skills that writing an essay gives you and I will say I'm not you know I'm not an academic whatever but it actually has helped me in like you know like I did some pretty writing heavy stuff it's helped me to like put together scripts to think about story to think about this stuff I'm sure like all the shit you do you know like getting everything together get you know whatever like

College kind of helps you do that to even like fucking, you know, produce shit. Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you know, at the very least, even just like finishing it or going through the work teaches you how to like fucking finish something. Yeah. I've never finished anything in my life. But yeah, it does. I'm assuming she's like talking about like history or some kind of humanity shit. And yeah, that's like that is pretty pointless. If you're going to like do those classes, you might as well just like.

put in the grunt work and like, you know, why waste your time being an information manager? Yeah. Like doing AI and shit. Being a middleman to have compute between two fucking apps. Yeah. You're a middleman between, you know, AI and a word processor. Or think about like another major. Right. Yeah, exactly. Here's where we come down on it. We don't give a fuck about college. We don't think you need to go to fucking college. We're not your fucking parents. But if you choose to go to college...

then actually do the fucking thing. You know what I mean? It's like paying to go to a fucking amusement park and then hiring a guy to ride the roller coasters for you. But this is literally where we're heading. This is the problem. This is what it is. Everyone's like, why would I do that? It's why there's going to be no jobs or anything. The whole point, when she graduates, she's going to get a gig that's just the same thing. You just plug it into AI.

We're fucked. I mean, we're fucked. I guess. I mean, maybe that is where... Maybe this has become training to use AI for a company. But even that, she just said it. Everyone uses the same references. Like, this will be a problem. Because it's like... This stuff isn't that... And maybe it'll get more sophisticated, whatever. But it's like... Yeah. What's the point? That's what I would tell you. You're not fucked because you're going to ruin your life. And even this...

This shows the problem in this thinking because a lot of kids just go into college because they're going through the motions. You're going to college, you think it'll help your life. And the only reason you're afraid of using AI is because you don't want to get caught and it'll ruin your life. That shit doesn't fucking matter. It's what do you actually want? You're wasting your time if you're using AI for it.

And I know it's hard. I've been there. I've literally looked up stuff. And I remember the like, find a good paper, find somebody's older brother took this class. I got their paper and then I just changed a couple. Like we all cheat a little bit every once in a while. But it's like, ultimately, what are you doing it for?

It also should feel, like, gratifying to, like, you know, be dumb but still, like, come off as smart in the quality of your papers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The workload is heavy, but it feels good. Like, to write a paper, you don't really need to read, like, an entire book that you're writing on. You need, like, you know, two or three good passages to, like, really squeeze the juice out of. Yeah. And you could, like, you know, fill up...

a hell of pages talking about that. And sure, you could supplement with some like book summaries or something that you've read, but I don't know. Once you get into like a little flow. Yeah. But, but it's, I just feel bad because she's like, everybody's doing it and it's like, I'm, again, we're literally being like fucking old people and be like, well, if everybody jumped off a fucking bridge, would you do it, young lady? But, but,

I hate to hit you with that, but unfortunately it's like, you know, if you're going to do this, drop out and fucking go to a fucking, you know, become a construction worker or a fucking x-ray tech or a hairstylist before you fucking just go on AI to get your, you know, answers. But it's going to be like steroids in baseball. You're like, I can't stay in the league if I'm not doing it because everyone else is doing it.

But steroids... This is like if everybody used steroids to bat 230. You know what I mean? Like, everyone's using AI to just pass. Right. You know what I mean? Like, I doubt...

I doubt that it's like you're getting incredible work done with AI. I think most people that are using AI are doing it to just like get by or, you know, we all took that. I had to take a class called Science of Water. Would I have used AI because it was because it was like a fucking requirement to just write a lab report? Yeah, I fucking would have. And that's even you know what? I'll even condone that kind of cheating.

Cheat on that dumb bullshit where, you know, they make you jump through hoops. But, like, I'm glad I didn't have the opportunity to do it on the papers I actually gave a fuck about. You know what I mean? Like, in the, you know, poli-sci shit, in the history shit, in the, like, media study shit I did, I liked learning about that stuff. So...

Anyway, whatever. Also, it's two hydrogens, one oxygen. That's awesome. Science of water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? It is. You're right. You got that. I didn't even go to class. What was it? So, didn't even think about, what was your, was that when you were working at Sears where you were like 18? Yeah, I started working at Sears. Well, yeah, I started working at FYE for a year. FYE. And then I went to Sears after. Got some nice posters. Yeah. Yeah.

But I hated schoolwork. I hated having to paper and a thing. I was like, I'm going to do comedy. And I did one open mic a week for two years. Didn't even go to a second video.

I was like, I got to hold on. I got a good bite on it. So you're just living at home? Yeah, yeah. Living at home. Every Wednesday, I would drive to Boston and do a five-minute set and be like, all right. Any day now. My work for the week is done. Any day. Now, you wonder why I am fucking behind. People are like, you've been doing comedy 25 years. I'm like, sort of. I did 60 sets my first year. Ha ha.

And then people, what would happen was I'd go Wednesdays and people would be like, how come we never see you at the comedy vault on Sunday? I'm like, what? Sunday? Well, Wednesday's the day you do comedy, right? And literally for another full year, I did Sunday and Wednesday. Wow. I didn't then be like, wait, so is there also Monday and Tuesday? Yeah.

I just, yeah. That was horrible. You were having a good time though, right? Yeah. No? A little bit. What were you doing on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays? Drinking. Oh, yeah. Going out drinking with like regular high school buddies. With all your FYE money? Yeah. That was fucking horrible. That's how these kids these days, now they can get AI and just make clips and be big. That's so true. But whatever. Yeah. A couple more here, LD. What do you got for us?

what's up stop what's up elvis uh and guess i put it out on like the past four times i've called just because i get flustered and anyway so i'm just gonna make it quick my girlfriend has she's great wonderful uh we've been together for a while now about a year uh no real issues she has a polyamorous past which is nothing wrong with that does make me a little uncomfortable in the sense of it's just not what i experienced

but I'm like open to the fact that we all get to the place we're at different ways. That's fine. My thing is she also used to be the, the, the mistress party of, uh, affairs or cheating situations a few times. Like she kind of was drawn to the lack of commitment element to it, the kind of a scandal of it. And I feel like that makes her kind of an asshole. Um,

We brought it up. She says she's, you know, she feels bad about it, but like, it doesn't seem like she feels that bad about it. So my question to you is, do you think that that is a reason to cut things off or be wary or anything like that? Yeah, let me know. I'm probably just overreacting, but you never know. Thanks, bro. Adios. This shit's not going to work.

I mean, she was fucking married guys. Yeah. She sounds cool. Yeah. Sounds like my kind of gal. Yeah. I'd like to get to know her. Yeah, I would too. But the fact that the polyamorous, he says polyamorous past, she was like this, like I, and obviously, okay. I'm a, I was a little, a little joking, but if I had to bet, does this work out or not?

I don't think so because you guys just aren't aligned on this stuff. And obviously somebody who used to do this kind of shit in their past, they can definitely settle down and they can definitely put that behind them. Or more than likely, maybe they settled down with somebody who had a similar past and they understand each other and they're both okay. Or you settle down with someone who's maybe not poly but has less attachment, isn't as jealous.

The fact that this is something that you're... You, A, kind of are judging her about it, you know? You're making a moral judgment in saying she's a piece of shit for doing this. And you actually...

You don't appreciate the level of atonement she's shown. Like that's a, from your perspective, you're like, she should feel more bad about this. Right. And that's one of your problems, let alone the fact that clearly in the back of your fucking head, you're like, is she cheating on me? Right. That's really the problem is that you're like, this is something that clearly is eating away at you.

And that's why I'm skeptical of you being able to figure this out, right? Like, you know, whatever. Make a moral judgment. You can say whatever she did was wrong, whatever, whatever. And I'm not even saying you're wrong to feel this way, but you do feel this way, right? Like you do. This is clearly something that's bothering you. Because what is the solution? You tell her like, hey...

I need to see you cry about being a whore four years ago before we take this to the next level. You know what I mean? Like, there's no real solution. You can't go back and have her unsuck a married guy's cock for four months in exchange for her a nice sublet or whatever, or like a fucking used Honda or whatever she was doing. I hope she got the bag, but...

You know, this is just something where it already feels like he's like, even the Pauly stuff, he's like, yeah, you know, that's not me, but we all get here in different places. It's like he's doing like generalization and like rationalization speak. So I don't know. I think you got to accept in life, accept people for who they are. Right.

There's certain people, like I remember, I don't want to give too much away, but there was a person that had a thing and then this other person did a thing and I was like, are you mad at that person? He's like, no, that's who that person is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a real life lesson. Like, you could make this a person you fuck and you like her and then, you know, know that for her past, she may not be loyal. Yeah, yeah, true. Just have a chick that you're like, I fucked this chick, but we're never going to that next level because this is who she is. Or...

Be the kind of guy who's like yeah, if you want to take us to the next level understand that might happen to you Right the way cheating it is bad obviously But it's also some couples get over it some people can deal with it And you should just know that is maybe a possibility and again people definitely can change whatever but we also I don't feel like I'm getting a clear picture of her because I do feel like we're getting her through his lens Mm-hmm. You know what I mean? It's like

she might not want to cheat at all anymore. Like, she might legitimately have gotten this out of her system, but it's still something that you are obsessed over, so...

If you can't accept her, that's a great... Accepting people for who they are is huge. If you can't do that, then I wouldn't say... You're saying, should I be wary? It's like, you're already wary. What are you talking about? You're clearly wary of the situation. It's like, you have to be honest with yourself and say, can I accept this? Is this the kind of person I want to be with? And if the answer is no, or more likely, is this the kind of person that's...

I'm going to be anxious to be with. I'm always going to be waiting for her to cheat or me to find some emails where she's calling me ugly and sucking a guy's dick or whatever or something different. I also feel like, you know, does this also come down to that

You just never really got that much pussy. Because that can eat away at you if you meet a girl that's fucked a lot in the past. Absolutely. She settles down, and that can make you feel like, hey, what the fuck? Why? She's been ran through by every guy in town. I can't even watch the Timberwolves games.

So it's like, be honest. Is that part of what's going on here? Yeah. And that's okay too if it is. Like maybe you're both... They sound like they could definitely both be young and it's like, you know, hey, maybe you just need to sow your wild oats or whatever out there a little more. No, that's a great point. It's like...

Some people can be with someone who crushes them on body count, right? Some people, it doesn't matter to them. Some people need to be about equal, whether that's a ton or that's low. And I honestly have no judgment on either way. I think whatever you want to do, however many people you want to fuck is great. But when you settle down, you have to know what matters to you and make a decision either way. So good luck. She sounds cool.

Have her, you know, and maybe have her DM me and I can kind of get her perspective. Yeah, and then you forward me her number and we'll just be... Because we really want to help you, man. But, you know, just kind of let us get into contact with her and really figure this out. Eldish with a little pretty... Hey, Saf. Hey, Eldish. Hey, guys. I'm going to try to make this quick, but basically me and my boyfriend have been together for a couple months now. And we have really great sex, but the only problem is...

He lasts kind of long. And it's something that I'm not really used to. And, like, when I mean long, I mean, like, minimum 20 minutes, maximum an hour. Wow. Hard the whole time? He doesn't like the best he's ever had. And, like, this is the shortest he's lasted with someone. Shortest? But it's just, like, I don't know. I'm not used to it. I'm used to, like, max being, like, 10 minutes.

And I don't really know what to do about it. So if you could help, that'd be great. Love you guys. Bye.

Tell him to get off of antidepressants. This guy is clearly on Zoloft or something. Right, right, right. If he's fucking for an hour without coming? Yeah, I mean, that's... Yeah, does he bust? Like, yeah, that's a good point. Are there other pharmaceutical things here? Yeah, something's at play here. Is it antidepressants? Also, I've had it where you take too many dick pills and your dick just...

stops being connected to you. It's just a hard thing that you might as well be wearing a strap on sometimes. And it takes like a while of fucking to nut. Is he taking dick pills? Is he taking antidepressants? If he's just a guy who lasts this long, that's nuts. Also, for you, if it's too much, you can be like, you know, I think... Oh, shit, sorry. No, it's all good. You can say like, hey...

you know, rail me till I nut. And then maybe, you know, maybe it's time to, you know, because usually the problem is you can't stay. I've had this happen when I'm not. I'm not hard. So it's like we fuck for a while and then it's like, all right, well, why don't I just beat off with your tits in my mouth and I'll nut that way. Maybe you need to do something like, hey, man, an hour of intercourse is too much for me. Like it's rare that it happens because the guy lasts too long. But it's like,

Just because this guy's dick is hard for an hour doesn't mean you have to fuck him for an hour if you don't want to. You know, I used to have, because years ago I was on Paxil when I dated the girl I was talking about earlier. Yeah. And I just couldn't come. So I would just tell her, like, it's not you. I'm on this fucking mental, it's a side effect. Yeah. And we'll fuck as long as you want and then I'll just fucking crank my cock. Yeah, yeah.

And I'd be all blistered up and bleeding and shit. But I'm not going to just rail on a woman for 30 minutes. That's not what it's meant for. Of course. Your pussy will be destroyed. Of course. Especially because I have a huge cock. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you can't fuck for 20 minutes minimum. 60 minutes maximum. Minimum is nuts. It's like you're in the Seinfeld porn. Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, could you do other... Like, it is funny because usually this is a problem the opposite way where a woman takes an hour to come or whatever. And it's like in that setup, what you do is some foreplay. You switch it up. You do different stuff. You suck. You finger. You know what I mean? You take a little break in the middle, whatever. Maybe you should do this where it's like you control the amount of intercourse because it's too much for you. And then you just kind of do other stuff and help him nut in other ways. But...

You know, you don't have to feel like you have to do. And then also, I don't know. Is there like stuff to make you not faster? Yeah. Because I know they have like numbing gels to make you not nut.

But there's got to be some. Maybe put something up his ass. Yeah, try to surprise. I feel like I come the best and fastest. I've been in a relationship for a long time. When I'm surprised by something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like she'll be like, oh, God. She's got a dick. Fuck my ass. Yeah, exactly, exactly. I like coming my ass. Just say something you haven't said before and he'll be like, whoa, Jesus. Throw him off. Yeah, switch up the routine. I mean.

This definitely feels like it's something medical, though. Otherwise, this man's a marvel. A marvel of science. And also the thing of, like, the best he's ever had, all that stuff's great, but it's like, you also sometimes, you can't,

Every time can't be the best time. You know what I mean? Especially in a relationship, it's like you can't have your best performance. Sometimes it's just got to be like, you know, not every game is game seven. Sometimes it's a regular season and you just got to get through it. You know what I mean? You don't have to bring your best stuff every time. That can be a little, you know, that can be a little tiring. And I think that's probably where you guys are at. You've got to make the transition from that 100%.

honeymoon period of a relationship where the sex is insane. There's something a little more sustainable here, I think. And it's possible you're ugly.

Right, right, right. Are you busted? Is your pussy fucked up? We haven't even considered that. You could just be a hideous human and he hates you. It could be like my girlfriend was with me. Right. Loves everything about you. Just unattractive, gross looking face. My God keeps getting snagged on her pussy. Yeah. I do wonder if he's secretly taking dick pills too. He might be. Because they've only been dating for a couple months. He might be. That seems like a habit that...

Just could keep running with after you're like off the market or something and...

Yeah, he could be like, well, this is still pretty new. I still got to bring my A game to the fucking. Sure, sure, sure, sure. I know, I know that, the bait and switch. But how do you even ask that to someone who's been secretly fucking you with dick pills for months? Well, I don't think we need to cast judgment on a man like that. I think it's like, I don't even say secretly makes it sound surreptitious. The man has pharmaceutical needs. Would you say he's secretly taking Advil if he has a headache, Eldis? I think you're...

You're kind of being pretty rude to the ED community here, let's say. Aren't you like 32 years old? Huh? Aren't you like 32 years old? I'm 36 and I'm obese. Thank you very much. All right. I'll throw them in the mix when I really want a nice performance. I've never had a single boner problem. Very good for you. Even when I was drinking. Well, it's all scabbed up. Yeah, no, it's a mess. But same woman, 14 years, whew.

Hard as a rock, baby. Good for you, man. Well, some of us are really fat and secretly gay. Is that what you want to hear? Well, I am fit and secretly gay. And clip it. Anyway, so yeah, whatever. Can you have a... But I think in the middle of that, we gave you good advice before going off the deep end. About how ugly you are. No, you sound hot.

I think I only got time for one more. Yeah, I was going to say. I got to go get back to the baby. My wife hates me. Yes, please. Something to go out on. Yeah, this is a woman calling in with some insight to a call we got on Mark Norman's episode. It was the guy who was like obsessed with making girls come every single time he fucked. So here's what one listener has to say. Let's hear it from her.

Hey, Stav. First time, long time. I just had to pause. I'm listening to the Mark Norman episode. I just finished the question from the guy who was like, why can't I get these girls to come? And his energy was kind of off about it. I just want to just throw in my two cents here. I am not a comer. I love sex.

I love sex, not a camera. Pause this. You gotta tip your hat to women, by the way. Like, it's like, sometimes you go to the girl and she's like, look, it's hard. Like, you'll be eating pussy for 20 minutes. She's like, hey,

It's all good. It's not your fault. I just don't. And it's like insane for me. Imagine if you didn't nut. I'd be like, well, I'm never going outside. I'm going to watch games. I was this guy. I'm telling you. And you still wanted to fuck. Yeah, because it's awesome to fuck. I always said that. I'm like, the fucking is great. Coming is nice. But fucking's wonderful. Coming's pretty good. It's great. But like fucking is pretty good too. You're right. You're right. You're a dick in a hot, wet asshole or a vagina. Fuck.

We'll put this into the thing we cut out earlier. Uh,

I got you. Okay, let's let her finish. Let's let her finish. She can't. Something I think is an important factor to add in to what you guys were talking about. I've been on antidepressants for 15 years. It's going to take a lot to get me to cum. And when I'm having sex with a guy for the first time...

Seeing how they handle the fact that I'm not going to come is sort of really a good vibe check. Obviously, if it's a one-night stand or whatever, it's different. But if someone's super fixated on it and they can't trust me when I say, no, actually, I'm good. I'm having fun in other ways.

That's going to be the number one turnoff. I just wanted to add that in there. Love the show. Love you guys. Have a good one. Look at how many female listeners you have. It's so nice. It is nice. Shout out to our female listeners. We have like three. And they've all transitioned probably. They all got into you when they were like 14-year-old dudes that didn't get pussy. They're like, well, this is what I'm going to stick around. They're male women.

Yeah, you're trying to get bukkake'd by them. Yeah, I think that's good. And I remember that guy's call because he was weird about it. And there are guys that are like that, that are like, I got to make her come. It's almost like a little, he needs a little checklist on his own. And I think the best thing when a woman tells you she has trouble is like,

Give it a good effort, but don't not... Make it seem like you tried as hard as you would. Don't hear that and be like, great, I don't have to try at all. Give it the same effort you would to anybody else, and then if it's not happening...

You know, that's, you have clearance to just nut really fast, you know, because that's my style of lovemaking is let's do our best to make the girl come and then once that's been checked off, all right, time to bust hysterically quick. Time to get pussy and just nut in five minutes. I've just never cared if the woman comes. What?

What the fuck do I care? Clip it. Yeah, Joe. Why would I give a fuck about anything a woman thinks or feels? Oh, I guess I got to care if the urinal's happy I'm pissing in it, too. No, get a vibrator and whatever the fuck. Sure, sure. What do I care? Yeah, just listen. Do your best. If a girl tells you she can't nut, don't take it personal.

That's going to do it for us, folks. This is probably our most immediately censored episode of... Maybe we'll have to... We should maybe also put this on the Patreon when it gets demonetized. My big plug! This is my special. Are you crazy? I'm saying after. Let's have the unabridged version where you can see all the... We might have to bleep out a couple cunts here and there. Oh, I see. That's the first time we said cunt. You said it when you said...

You said it on your special. We'll bleep it here too, though. It doesn't matter. Let's also plug the Patreon. We started putting all the apps on there too. By the way, some have complained that we're advertising. It's like, it's a free show, dickheads. How do you think we're supposed to make this happen?

So, yeah, we're advertising. But if you are a beloved Patreon subscriber, it's not more money. It's the same five bucks and change that we charge for everything. We've also started putting the ad-free episodes for our patrons on there. So if you subscribe to the Patreon, you get a bonus episode every week, and then you get these episodes with all the ads cut out.

and all the curses left in. So all the good stuff. So yeah, that's true. We should start promoting. It's so funny, dude. We did a tour and we forgot to promote the dates on my own podcast. I've done that. We're so stupid. We plugged it like three or four times over the three months. All the ones we plugged did much better, by the way, than the ones we didn't. Whatever. We're dumb.

I guess let's plug the fact I'm coming to the UK, that we're coming to Boston, your hometown. I'll be there. And I'll be in Austin as well. And we're adding some shows to the Dreamboat Tour. Me and Nell just want to do a grimy one in the fall where we just get like a minivan and go through the South because we did all these theaters. We want to go do shitty clubs. Oh, that sounds fun. So we'll see. We're...

Stay posted for that. And of course, go watch Small Ball. We've already linked it. We've already plugged it. We'll share it on everything. And Joe's one of the, you're truly one of the funniest comics in the world. Thanks, buddy. You guys are going to love the new special. Thank you. See you next time, guys. Bye-bye.