Shownotes Transcript
- The other day I was once again Googling most scandalous murders in history, you know, as one does. And you know, I bop around, I read stories, and the one that always comes up over and over and over again was or is the murder of Julius Caesar. I know. At first I was like, I always avoid that story because I don't know, the only Caesar, Julius Caesar I know of is Little Caesar's Pizza.
Caesar salad, Julius Caesar. Any other ones? Those are the Caesars I know, you know? So when I got to Googling, things started coming back to me. Oh yes, Caesar was stabbed in the back. It was very dramatic. People love the guy. Why? I wanted to know why. If you Google Julius Caesar, you'll probably read that he was a big time politician and military mastermind. But what caught my eye
was none of that. It was the shocking amount of like scandals, sex scandals this man was caught up in. Some say he was a very horny, power hungry psychopath who deserved to die. Others say that he was actually a genius who was just misunderstood. Either way, he had a wild life filled with juicy scandals. And I am ready. So let's get into it. This is the dark history of Julius Caesar.
Hi friends, I hope you're having a wonderful day today. My name is Bailey Sarian and I'd like to welcome you to my podcast, Dark History. Here we believe history does not have to be boring. It might be tragic, sometimes it's happy, but either way, it's our dark history. Before we get into it, don't forget to like and subscribe. I'm always posting new content for you. And let me know what you think down below in the comment section. I love hearing from you. And we read some of them at the end. Yeah, we do. Bye.
Now, let's get into today's story. Well, first and foremost, if you're watching over on YouTube, then you'll notice that me, Joan, and Paul were on theme today. I know, I finally got included in the group chat. Usually, Paul and Joan always show up with like a cute outfit on, and then I show up looking like, like, hello, what about me? Like, wah, wah, wah. So this time, you guys included me, and we all came dressed up. Isn't it cute?
Okay, that's all. I'm just excited to be included, you guys. Thank you. So let me just give you something else to chew on. I'm going to be talking about Julius Caesar, the person. There are plenty of historians who have covered his battle wins, what he did in politics. And I think that's great and we'll get there. But I wanted to know more about Julius Caesar as a person and then go from there.
So if you're interested in today's episode, we can do a part two where it's about his battles and all that stuff. But I wanted to get to know who Julius Caesar was because I didn't know anything about him. So don't be mad at me if I don't mention all of his battles and stuff. I don't really like a lot of action movies, you know? So it kind of makes sense that I don't want to go there. Do you know what I'm saying? Okay, great. I'm glad you understand. So let me tell you about Julius Caesar. His real name is Gaius.
Gaius Julius Caesar. So he was born July 13th in the year 100 BC. So I guess he came from like a really wealthy, very well-connected family. And naturally they use these connections to get into politics. Caesar's dad was very into politics. During Caesar's childhood, his dad had big government dreams and was elected into several different important political roles. But sadly in 85 BC, he just like died.
Caesar, I guess at this time was only 15 years old. So he automatically became the head of the household, meaning that he now had the responsibility of taking care of the family. Now a lot of teenagers might've been terrified by this idea, maybe just really stressed out.
but not Caesar. He was always super confident and outspoken. As a son of a powerful politician, Caesar knew he was expected to follow in daddy's footsteps. So he has a lot of responsibilities now, you know, like he has to marry the right person.
and it was decided that he was going to marry a woman named Cornelia. Now this was a very big deal because she was the daughter of the most powerful ruler in Rome at the time. This man, this ruler, his name was Cinna. I love cinna bun, roll, cinna bun. Cinna bun. Sorry. Let me, okay. This marriage was not about love. It was all about getting Caesar into the political scene, right? Marriage was networking.
was, yes, it wasn't about love. Not long after the marriage, Cinna had nominated Caesar to become a flamen dialys, which was essentially an influential priest position. So you could say this arranged marriage actually worked out. But there was a problem. Caesar was known to be a loud,
wild, obnoxious teenager. He grew up in a time of political violence and chaos, and Caesar really wanted to get in on it. Like he wanted to get in on that action. He wanted to get that sword, chop people up. He was just, you know, it was raging through him. But instead, he was given this boring ass priest job, and he was like, oh. You know? He's like, damn. Oh.
So this job that Caesar got was actually considered a job for
older people, you know? So with this job, you know, they had to follow, there's a lot of pressure to like follow these very odd rules. Like for example, Caesar couldn't go out of town for more than three nights. Okay, fair, you know, you have a job to do, three nights is pushing it. But another rule was that he was not allowed to see any dead bodies. I wouldn't really consider these weird rules, you know? I wouldn't want to see dead bodies.
But like that would rule out any military activity, which is what he really wanted to do. He wanted to kill people. So he's like, fine. He also wasn't allowed to ride a horse. He had to be taken around by a chariot. And like that kind of sounds glamorous, but it's more like, it's not manly, right? He's like, I want to have my own horse. I want to be a man. I want to see dead bodies. And the most annoying part, he had to wear all these ugly clothes and special hats.
He was like, ew, I want to wear something cute. Plus he couldn't even shave or cut his own hair. There was just all these rules that he just did not like. Just as it seemed like he was going to be trapped in this boring job forever, a war broke out.
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So Caesar, not thrilled. He's stuck in this like priest job. He's not allowed to do anything, a lot of roles. And then a war breaks out. Now the war was basically between Caesar's father-in-law, Cinna, and another powerful Roman leader named Sulla. Cinna is killed during battle.
So Sulla heads to Rome and he kills all of Cinna's leftover supporters. He takes them all out, okay? And then this guy, Sulla, he then took over Rome really quickly because everyone was out of his way. He got rid of them. Get out of my way. Gone. So right away, this man makes a name for himself as a brutal ruler that
Everyone was afraid of. So apparently Sula would post lists of people that he hated all over town and people would go and they'd look at this list. Okay. Hmm. Now you don't want to be on this list because essentially this is a hit list. Now, if you wanted to impress Sula, what you need to do was look at that list, track down one of the guys on the list, behead them.
and then you would carry the head back to Sula and be like, "Here you go, master." You know when a cat kills a bird or a mouse or something and they leave like the head on your front door? They leave it somewhere for you to find and they tell you it's because it's a way of respect. "I respect you, here's the head." You know, and you're supposed to be like, "Oh my God, thank you so much for that gopher head. I always wanted one."
It was kind of like that. So when Sula and Caesar meet for the first time, Caesar's kind of scared because Sula is psycho and he usually just kills anyone that he doesn't like. Okay. So Sula looks down at Caesar and realizes, okay, this little boy, he's just a wimpy little priest with like kind of like a funny looking hat.
he's not a threat to me so Sulla was like well I'm gonna with Caesar anyways because I'm bored so Sulla would told Caesar that he needed to divorce Cornelia immediately remember Cornelia was the daughter of Cinna Sulla just murdered Cinna and like anyone associated with him so
It was like, you need to do that now or you're gonna die. Now normally when Sulla tells you to do something, you do it because he'll behead you, okay? But not Caesar. Caesar was stubborn and he hated being told what to do. He told Sulla, no, I'm not doing that. Sulla gets very upset by Caesar's resistance. So you know what he does? So he pretty much calls up the bank and is like, hey, Caesar's money, my money now.
He starts taking control of
all of Caesar's money. And then he starts threatening his life. Caesar, he may be stubborn, but he's not stupid. He knows if he pushes it too far, his ass is grass, okay? So instead, Caesar, he flees the city. So Caesar takes a little breather from Rome to let the Sulla drama kind of die down. And eventually, Caesar's family pulls some strings with their politician friends. They get Sulla to agree to let Caesar back into Rome a few years later. When Caesar returns,
he finds a completely different
Sulla had basically purged everyone from the government and wanted to start from scratch. So he fired or killed anyone and everyone in power. And then once that job was done, he replaced them with his friends and people that liked him. Caesar wasn't worried about it though. He would go around bragging to everyone about how he'd already escaped death and survived being banished, you know, from this country.
ruthless dictator at such a young age. I mean, he's still in his early 20s at this point. He's cocky, he's young, and he's like, I'm untouchable. But you know, a lot of people are listening and they're really not buying Caesar's tough guy act. They're just rolling their eyes like, sure kid. Around town, Caesar was known as something called a dandy. I'm a Yankee doodle dandy. I don't know the next line. That's all I think of.
I always wondered why he stuck it in his hat and he called it macaroni. Was the hat macaroni or was the feather macaroni? Just one of life's mysteries. Okay, Caesar. Around town, Caesar was known as something called a dandy. I know, I was like, what's that?
Well, a dandy is someone who is like, who pays attention to their attire. They like to look good. Some could call them vain. You know, back in these days, trying to look nice in an outfit. Who do you think you are? A dandy is what they would say. Well, when someone called you a dandy, it was kind of like a diss, but Caesar didn't care. He was like, I look fabulous. Have you seen my leaves? Have you seen my gold?
Have you seen my claws? He loved fashion. So most of the men at this time, no offense to them, they didn't have much style and Caesar was just not afraid to stand out when it came to fashion. So most of the normal guys at this time, they'd be wearing just like a short sleeve tunic and like a toga on top of it, usually made out of wool. It was pretty basic, but Caesar, he had these custom made long sleeve shirts with fringe
I don't know. And he tied the outfit together with a belt. This was groundbreaking. He understood that he needed to show off the waist and I love that about him. I guess Caesar also had like a little problem with his hair. He started balding from a young age, which was, you know, a bummer for him because in ancient Rome, balding was considered a facial disfigurement.
God. Caesar did what he could. He did that nice little comb over that, you know, hides the spot a bit. He just didn't want to let go of the few strands that he had left. So not only were his outfits loud, but he also had the hair. Uh-huh. But, you know, Caesar didn't really care what people had to say about his outfits. He kind of, he loved attention. He liked being different and he liked standing out. Except for his hair. He was like, don't look.
Don't look at me. You know, toppers weren't invented invented yet, I don't think. So because he was different and trying new things, this put a target on his back. Even though the Greeks and Romans of those days were constantly naked and very like out there when it came to sexuality, it was still very much a quote unquote macho alpha male society.
You know? So Roman men started to look down on Caesar for like being different. And then there were rumors going around about his sex life. According to many historians, Caesar was a very sexual man. He was known to have sex with married women, specifically the wives of politicians he worked with. And because of his connections, he somehow gets away with this. In fact, Caesar was proud of being a...
Bit of a bad boy. But there were other rumors that were getting under his skin a bit. We spend all of winter hibernating, eating treats and dreaming of creative business ideas to bring to life. And now it's spring.
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Caesar, by this point, had finally been able to get involved with the military. His dream, it's happening. And he was sent on a mission to go to the kingdom of Bithynia, which is in modern day Turkey. So all Caesar had to do was travel down there and secure military support from their king. His name was Nicomedes IV. Nailed that. He's like, okay, I got this. Let me get on my cute little outfit.
So Caesar goes down there and I guess it's quite a success. Nicomedes promised to help Rome with their future military needs. So the job was done. Caesar should have been on his way back home to deliver the news. But instead, he stays and he hangs out with Nicomedes in his private court. They're just getting to know each other a little bit on a more personal level, on a more intimate level.
He just wants to see what things look like under the garments, if you know what I mean. There were eyewitnesses who claimed to have seen Caesar lounging in the king's bedroom. And they even said he was a frequent visitor during his trip. So by the time Caesar got back to Rome, people were talking. Word had got back about some situations that may have taken place. People were talking about Caesar having sex with King Nicomedes.
I mean, during his time in the military, Caesar had a bunch of sexual relations and many believed they were, a lot of them were with men. This was shocking because it was so public and also with a king. Now listen, gay relationships in ancient Rome, they weren't rare. Like they were actually pretty normal, but there was a don't ask, don't tell kind of mentality, it seems. And it also seemed that you can do that
but you just need to keep it on the down low. Like don't go around telling everyone. But it wasn't just his alleged fling with the king that made Caesar the talk of the town. There were rumors that Caesar was a bottom. Now that's not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. That's not a bad thing, but you have to understand in this scenario, this was considered a like,
a dig, okay? Like if someone called you a bottom, it was kind of like, like a, it was a dig because to the Romans, tops were the ones with power. And if you were someone like Caesar or someone in power, if you're having sex with a man, then you need to be, you know, on top because only powerful men
Our tops. That was their logic. Okay. So a guy named Gaius Scribonius Curio, here we go with this one. Someone very high up in the Roman political scene added fuel to the fire because he was ready to take Caesar down. So this guy, he starts running in his mouth to anyone who was listening. He's going around to the people in government, to the people on the streets.
He's like, yeah, that Caesar guy? He's cocky. He's weird. Have you seen his toes? Oh, and did you know that he's a bottom? Now, obviously, this guy's talking shit because he's jealous and whatever, but he's trying to get people to think of Caesar as...
not being a, you know, strong, someone to look up to. And this narrative starts to take over society. People start thinking, "Ah, Caesar is not a real man." You know? He's not a top. You know, so he can't be a real leader.
There's no way. So that guy who was talking shit that I can't say his name, Curio, he took it a step further and publicly dragged Caesar by saying that he was, quote, every woman's man and every man's woman. Ooh!
Every woman's man and every man's woman. It's kind of poetic in a way. I would want to be every woman's man and every man's woman. That means I can work with all. It's beautiful, actually. Well, this was upsetting, okay? Caesar was like, what the fuck? He's publicly denying all these claims, okay? He's like, no, I'm a top. I'm a top. Watch me, everyone. Gather around. I'm topping. Yeah, he was pissed. He was pissed.
He was pissed that people were associating him with these like inappropriate rumors instead of focusing on, I don't know, let's talk about like some political achievements I did recently. So Caesar decided to take a job that would give him a more honorable look to the people. So he got a job working as an advocate, which essentially means a lawyer. Yeah, again, you could just like walk into a place and be like, "Hey everyone, I'm a lawyer."
And that's all the credentials you needed. At this time, being a lawyer was less about legal stuff and more about being an impressive public speaker. Trials were always held in public and there weren't really what we considered professional lawyers presenting cases. It was more so a bunch of men who were great at talking and convincing people that they were right.
You've met them. They're still out there. So it was a lot of that. So Caesar gets his first case. Now, he went up against the guy you don't want to go up against, okay? It was Rome's leading public speaker. Everyone loved this guy. And it was like, good luck to me. Okay, so Caesar, he does the thing. He loses his first case. But it showed people that he actually spoke well.
He could hold himself well and people were really impressed by Caesar. Like, yeah, he lost, but this was his first one. Like he has potential. Plus he was only 23 at the time. He had potential to grow and get better. People were taking note. So even though Caesar lost, his speeches had gotten him some fans and he started getting a lot of attention. But Caesar was not satisfied being just a mediocre lawyer. He wanted so much more.
"Hmm, I didn't know any of this. I am learning so much." So he decided to study abroad for just a semester so he could study rhetoric, AKA the art of writing and speaking well. So he's heading to this place to learn how to be the best, right? But on the way, there was a little complication. Caesar was allegedly kidnapped and taken captive by pirates.
Really? I would not think pirate and Caesar crossover. So on their pirate ship, they tell Caesar they're demanding a ransom be paid for his release. As legend goes, Caesar was like, "Cool.
"How much money are you asking for?" And the pirates say 20 talents, which I guess 20 talents was like a lot of money, okay? It's like thousands of dollars today. When Caesar heard this, he was pissed. He was actually deeply offended because he thought the ransom was way too low. He's like, "I'm worth way more than that, rude." He's like, "Don't you know who I am? Don't you know who I am? You're gonna wanna ask for more money."
My God, that is so rude. Don't you know I'm a top? He's telling the pirates, "I'm not, I'm not a bottom." So he's like laughing in their face. He's like, "I'm worth a lot more than that. You can do better. Why not ask for 50 talents?" So he's giving suggestions.
I guess. While his travel companions are trying to negotiate his release, Caesar stays captive with the pirates and Roman legend has it, he sort of becomes their leader. Instead of being afraid of his captors, he flipped
the script commanding the pirate ship to run more how he liked it he's like hey guys i just have some suggestions i'm thinking blue we should paint the walls blue maybe get a carpet a chair over here some candles would be gorge so he's just like taking over you know he's very fashionable
So Caesar just did like a whole overhaul. They were like on a new schedule. Okay, we're going to bed at a certain time and you're all gonna shut the fuck up because I'm Caesar and I need booty sleep. And they did it, they listened. Caesar would make the pirate guys listen to him recite poetry and then threatened to kill them if they didn't like his poems. Roses are red, violets are blue. I like poo, how about you? And everyone's like, oh!
because they don't want to die, you know? You have to really put on a show for him. Incredible! Oh my God. These poor people. So at first, everyone was like really shocked by how just bold Caesar was. But then as time went on, they really actually started to like him. He's funny. We like him. Keep him. Eventually, a nearby city came up with a ransom money and the pirates let Caesar go.
He's like, "Goodbye, new friends." Once he was off the boat, Caesar was not just going to move on from this. Caesar convinces the local government to help him gather a bunch of warships so he can capture the pirates. Now, the governor wanted to take the pirates as slaves, but Caesar was like, "No, they're mine."
So he actually makes this happen and Caesar had the pirates brought to him and oh slit their throats one by one. Could you imagine? You're there captured and I'm like no wait I love that poem. Everybody else hated that poem you did but Caesar I love that poem. It was so good Caesar. I love that poem. Dead. It didn't matter. So brutal back then huh? What'd they do with all those heads?
I always wonder, like, did they put them on the mantle in their home? Did they bury it? What'd they do? Let me know down below.
Pretty much right away, all these stories start circulating about the glorious and mighty Caesar who survived captivity and got revenge on these evil pirates. It's pretty impressive. People are like, oh, okay. So now Caesar had kind of like moved out of his role as a lawyer and starts proving himself on the battlefield and in politics.
So rumor has it he's like really good at psychological warfare and attacking enemies when they least expect it. So he's building a reputation as like a military genius as the years go by. And again, I'm not really getting into all the nitty gritty of all this because...
We can get to that in Caesar part two if you want it. Caesar then gets elected as a military tribune, which was a high ranking position that put him in charge of thousands of soldiers. At this point, he's like still in his 20s. So usually if this happens, you know, the more and more popular he gets, Caesar just starts feeling like, ugh, invincible, right? He starts taking more risks. And honestly, he's just being like, ugh.
very careless, especially when it came to the people he was having affairs with. It was kind of like he had a checklist. He was working his way through all the senators' wives. It seems like he's going out of his way to prove that he is not a bottom. He's like, "See, I'm gonna fuck all your wives. Call me a bottom again. I'll fuck your wife."
So he's doing that. He's sleeping with all the senator's wives. And one time he took it just like a... He went too far. Caesar ends up having this years-long affair with a woman named Servilia. Servilia was married when she started sleeping with Caesar, but she was willing to risk her reputation because it wasn't just about sex. According to records, she and Caesar genuinely did love each other.
But, you know, Caesar always kind of like had a plan in the back of his head. He was obsessed with her, but not just because she was good in bed. She was the sister of Caesar's bitter rival, a man named Cato. Cato was a Roman senator who, personality-wise, was really the opposite of Caesar.
He was conservative, he played by the rules, and he was a very principled guy who cared about his country. Caesar was impulsive, reckless, and made decisions that were all about him, not necessarily like the Roman Republic. And these two, they really drove each other crazy. And the fact that Caesar was having this long ass affair with Cato's sister
really pissed him off. He's like, "That's my sister. I fuck my sister, not you." So Kato was like, "Hmm."
How am I going to take Caesar down? You know? He was going to humiliate him in front of a Senate session, which was like this big public hearing with all the Roman politicians watching. So they all gather. He's like, I'm going to take him down. So at this point, a lot of people wanted to take Caesar down because there was this serious rumor, a lot of rumors going around, that Caesar was involved in a conspiracy to take down important people within the government. So...
He, Caesar, could maintain power. This is what everyone's believing at the time. So Cato's thinking, hey, if I could prove this to be true, oh, for sure, it'd be over for Caesar, okay? So they're all gathered at the Senate session, okay? Everyone's there. Someone passes Caesar a note and he's like, oh my God, cute, love this note. And Cato's watching.
waiting, buzzing, excited, salivating. He's thinking, "Oh, this is it, bitch. I'm about to humiliate
his ass. Cato thinks that this note that Caesar's holding is all about Caesar's shady plans and that it will implicate him in front of all the government. The second Caesar gets the note, Cato stops the session and is essentially like, hey Caesar, hey, I see you got a note there.
"Why don't you read it out loud to the rest of the class?" So people on the Senate floor are thinking like, "Oh my God, what's going on? "What's the drama? "What has Caesar done? "Read the note, what's going on?" Caesar opens up the note, he smiles and he looks at Cato and he's like, "Cato, I think you should read the note." So Cato grabs the note, okay?
He's like, fine. So Kato starts reading it out loud to everyone. And it goes something like this. Caesar, baby, last night was so hot. I can't stop thinking about your hot bod. Meet me back here at 10 p.m. for some butt lovin'.
Just kidding. We actually don't know what the note said exactly. I was adding a little flavor. But we do know that it was actually kind of like a sext from Servilia to Caesar. She was straight up sexting him at work. Ooh.
And in the letter, what we know was that it was pretty steamy and it was like about what they had done last night and it was just not to be read out loud. But Kato read it out loud. Kato's whole plan had backfired. I mean, this was humiliating and kind of creepy. It just made him look like an idiot. He was trying to call out Caesar and instead it just proved that Caesar was getting that pussy. Yep. Yes.
Sorry. So this was humiliating and creepy to say the least. I mean, it made him look like an idiot. People listening to Kato reading the note were just cracking up. And this just further made Kato upset. He was pissed. So he crumpled up the note and he threw it at Caesar and he said, keep it, you drunk. Pizza, pizza.
I'll sprinkle in a few pizza pizzas. It became known that Caesar never had to deal with the consequences of his actions. He kept getting elected to even higher positions within the government and he was getting more and more popular. It's like, yeah, he was doing everything wrong, fucking all these bitches and stuff, but he was just growing and growing. But then something terrible happened. Caesar's wife, Cornelia, yeah, they were still married.
He was having a fair. It didn't matter. Okay. Anyways, she ends up dying. She was giving birth to their child and she ended up passing away. This left Caesar devastated. I mean, yeah, he was sleeping with everybody else, but that was still his wife. After his wife's funeral, Caesar's like, you know, this is too much. I just, I need to get away. I need a wellness retreat.
So he kind of, he picks up his stuff and he goes to Spain. Now this was just supposed to be like a chill out little trip, you know, but it turns out to be a huge, huge turning point for him and the Roman Empire. This is why you should go on wellness retreats. You might take over the Roman Empire.
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So, Caesar goes to Spain. He's there. He's drinking sangria. He's crying about his dead wife. I shouldn't have cheated on her. Well, maybe. I don't know. He's just kind of like spiraling a bit. Like, what am I doing with my life? Who am I? What time is it? Have we invented clocks yet?
I'm not sure, you know, as one does. Then Caesar's out walking around and he stumbles upon a statue of his biggest idol. He was obsessed with the conqueror, Alexander the Great. Caesar loved the guy, loved him so much. I mean, if he lived in the 2000s, he would have the posters all over the wall. Like Alexander the Great was his god.
Okay. Alexander the Great was a king of the ancient Greek kingdom of Macedon. Now, he never lost a battle and is considered to be one of history's greatest and most successful military commanders. Now, Caesar is always compared to him in history.
And in Egypt, they have a place called Alexandria. And it's actually named after Alexander the Great. I wonder how great he was, though. We should do an episode on him. I know nothing about him.
So when Caesar sees this statue, it's huge. Allegedly, I don't know, it wasn't there. He starts bawling, fully just loses it. Caesar, you know, he had a lot of military achievements under his belt, but he felt was feeling ashamed that he hadn't like, I don't know, come close to Alexander's accomplishments. He felt like nothing in comparison to his father.
his god, you know? You know when you compare yourself to others and you're like, well, at 20, they accomplished X, Y, and Z, and then you start feeling like shit? He was doing that with Alexander the Great. So in this moment, Caesar knew that he really wanted to make a change in his life. Then one night, Caesar crawls into bed, tucks himself in, and falls asleep. He goes, Mimi's
And he has a dream, a dream that would change his life. In his dream, his mother was there. Beautiful. He's like, mommy. But in the dream, Caesar ends up raping his mom. Yeah. So he wakes up.
Absolutely horrified, panicked. What the hell was that about? Like he was really, he was really disturbed by this dream, okay? He was so bothered by this dream that he went to like someone who was a dream interpreter or a soothsayer essentially and was like, hey, I had this really fucked up dream. Like don't tell anyone. And then Caesar tells them about his dream.
So this dream interpreter guy, he explains to Caesar that, look, your dream was more of a metaphor. Now, according to the soothsayer, Caesar's mother represented Mother Earth and the rape equaled conquering. So according to them, Caesar was going to conquer the world.
He's like, oh, is that what raping your mom means? Hmm, good to know. And Caesar, he was said to fully believe this. Alexander the Great had conquered the world by the time he was Caesar's age. And this dream was a sign that he would be just like Alexander. I mean, oh, a sign.
With his new mission of world domination, Caesar heads back to Rome. So at this point he's like 30 years old and he knows he has the backing of the military and the people of Rome. They absolutely love him, but his coworkers, you know, like within the government, whatever they, they hate him. Cato tried really hard to prevent Caesar from getting his big promotion, but he wasn't successful. Caesar became consul, AKA one of the heads of the government.
But there was a catch. At this time, consuls always served in pairs, like two people. And Caesar's co-consul was Cato's son-in-law, Marcus.
Marcus is like, "Hmm, I've actually heard about this Caesar guy all my life. Kind of seems like a shitty dude. I'm gonna ruin his life." So Marcus shoots down everything Caesar says. If Caesar wants a new army, no. If Caesar wants a new law, no. If Caesar wants to start his own pizza company, no. But I swear it's gonna do really well and like sell all over the world, no. Marcus
publicly declares that he would rather have his throat slit than play nice with Caesar. I'd be like, then do it. He's all talk. Do it then. What are you afraid of? Slit your throat.
But Marcus is kind of a little bitch. He won't say anything to Caesar's face. He'll say it to everyone else, but to Caesar, he wasn't going to say a goddamn thing to that man. Everyone knew what Marcus was really saying behind the scenes. So Marcus is going around talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, being a little bitch. And then he'd come to Caesar's face and act all nice. Well, guess what? Caesar knew. He had been hearing what this little lame-o was saying. He's pissed. And you know what? Killing the man would be easy. What's more fun?
Their fun is humiliating them. So Caesar sends someone to gather a bucket full of human poop. I'm assuming it was probably like his assistant or something. He's like, "Hey, go get some poop. Get some poop. Don't come back unless you have poop. I don't care how you get it. Just get the poop. I don't even think gloves are invented yet. So just raw dog it. Get poop, put it in a bucket. Thank you." So this guy's going around getting poop. "Hey, give me your poop." Gets a bunch of poop, okay? Comes back, this guy, bucket of poop. Comes walking into the meeting.
He goes right up to Marcus and dumps the bucket of poop right on his head in front of everyone.
And scene. Thank you so much. He probably like took a bow afterwards. Thank you everyone. Thank you. And then he left. First of all, if everyone is wearing white wool, do you know how hard it is to get poop out of white wool? Marcus is pissed. He's poop all over him. He's been publicly humiliated. He had no power to do anything. Smells like shit. Okay. So...
He steps away. Caesar went on to get a bunch of political wins in the Senate, but after a while, he gets bored. I mean, it's too easy at this point, you know? He's able to just do things so easily. He needs a challenge. So he decides it's time to go back to where he finds himself the happiest. The battlefield.
For the next nine years, Caesar would spend most of his time fighting the Gallic Wars. The Gallic Wars were essentially all about Rome versus Gaul. Exciting, I know. Today, Gaul is known as present day France, Belgium, Switzerland, and Germany. Gaul had attacked Rome a few times in the past, and there was some like fear that they were going to do it again. So Caesar
Battle hungry. He ordered his army to attack Gaul before they could attack him first. He was like, gather the poop. And Caesar's men just really went for it, okay? They were burning down villages, killing people, men, stealing whatever they could from these villages, raping the women. Poop. Poop.
Yeah, just awful. Meanwhile, back home, the Roman people are essentially impoverished and having to give what little they have to Caesar's army for the war. So the people at home are wondering like, why are we even at war right now? Why aren't you taking care of the people here at home? Like we need help.
You know, Caesar had justified this war to the government and Roman people saying that he had to lead these wars so he could protect the Romans from any future invasion. The truth was Caesar was in a ton of debt. He knew if he fought these battles, he could keep like raiding villages and stealing all of their golds.
money, jewelry, whatever the hell, to pay off his private debts. That's not very nice. He was even known to enslave and sell people to pay off his debts. But back then, like to the everyday person, they really did not like care about this. You know, sadly, slavery and war were so common at the time. And these wars would actually boost Caesar's political career.
even though thousands of men were putting their lives at stake. During these wars, Caesar fought in more battles than any Roman general in history, and he won most of them. I don't know about the others. And his greatest dream started to come true. People started comparing him to Alexander the Great. He was like, oh.
Oh, he was so excited. I mean, he wrote a series of books called Commentaries, which was basically a bunch of books talking about how great he was. So all of this, a cocky asshole, made Caesar's enemies want to get rid of him once and for all. They were tired. At the time, Caesar had a lot of rivalries.
But his main one was, his name was Pompey. And Caesar was obsessed with defeating Pompey and his army. And he wouldn't give up any power until he did. So the Roman Senate really didn't want Caesar to go after, start any issues with Pompey. Okay, it was gonna be too much money.
It was personal beef. It was like, you handle it, but not with our, the government's money, you know? But you can't tell Caesar no, okay? He was like, no, F you guys. I'm gonna do what I want. So Caesar was now making it his mission to take down Pompey. And he knew like, yes, this was a huge risk going against, you know, what the government told him to do. But Caesar doesn't care. He's gonna do it anyways.
So, he knows like, look, I better win because if I lose total humiliation, he would have to spend the rest of his life as a fugitive, right? So, Caesar heads out there and the whole battle like comes to a head at the Rubicon, which was basically a river that was an important boundary between Gaul and Italy. Caesar knows the second he crosses this river, he would be declaring war.
So he's standing there being all wise and whatever. And this could be the moment that he turns back or whatever. But according to Caesar, suddenly he felt this intense passion come over him. He thought of Alexander the Great and the weird ass dream about raping his mom. He remembered, I'm Julius effing Caesar. And I'm here to take over the world.
After some thinking whatever, Caesar steps into the river and shouts at his army, let the die be cast! Which is like, let's freaking go, man! Way more fun, though. Let the die be cast! Caesar and his army cross the river, and a war began.
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So Caesar's at war, you know, doing his thing. Meanwhile, back in Rome, a lot of people were also getting sick of Caesar. They started supporting the enemy and became Team Pompey. Plus, Pompey had a much bigger and better army than Caesar. So everyone thought like, "Hmm, Caesar's not gonna win." You know, there's no way. But Caesar, he was sneaky and smart.
He managed to defeat Pompey's army. But when he looks around for Pompey,
nowhere to be found. Pompey had fled the scene. Pompey was like, I'm not about to be a prisoner to Caesar. He bounced out of there. He got out of there. He said, bye. So Pompey, he takes off to Alexandria, Egypt, where he was told he would be safe. When Pompey boarded the boat, he waves goodbye to the shore, relieved that like, oh shit, I got away from that Caesar guy. But as soon as Pompey arrives in Egypt, the men on his boat stab him to death.
Then they chop off Pompey's head, take a prized ring from his finger and then dumped his body into the ocean. So just like a cat, they took a Pompey's head and ring to present to Caesar. You know, like, "Here, look at what we did. Did we do good? Who would, what head would you want?"
Honestly, Ronald McDonald. I would want Ronald McDonald's head because I was always so afraid of him. And honestly, look what he did to us. Addictive rise. Bring me his head. That's the only head I will accept. When Caesar was shown Pompey's ring, the one that they took, not even his head, just the ring, Caesar started crying.
And then they were like, hey, we have a head. You want to see the head? And they start like opening it up. And Caesar was like, no. And he shielded his eyes. He's like, no, don't show me. He didn't even want to look. He didn't even look at the head. He couldn't look at the head. Don't show me that head.
So, you know, yeah, they were enemies, but Caesar actually had a lot of respect for the guy. And in a way, I think rumor has it like Caesar enjoyed chasing this guy. And this guy Pompey was like so good that finally Caesar had like competition because everything else, everyone else was dumb and easy or whatever. But that this Pompey guy was smart. I don't think, I don't think he really wanted him dead.
So when he sees the head and realizes, oh shit, this Pomipigas actually dead. It's like you can't have Batman without the Joker. I think that's great. He was a Joker.
Someone was Batman. I don't know who was Batman. You choose. Caesar's in Egypt. He's trying to get his life back together. He realizes, "I have to go home. It's time to face the Roman senators." Many didn't care about his victories. They still wanted him out for just recklessly going to war, wasting money, not caring about the people. The poop. What about the poop? Cato, the guy who attempted to humiliate Caesar,
he was trying to prove himself as well in battle. So Cato was actually leading a battle over in Africa,
But it wasn't going well, okay? It was not going well at all. So Caesar hears about this and he's like, oh, okay, like, that's cute. Let me help. So Caesar, he brings his army in and easily wins the battle. Right after he hears about Caesar's win, Cato freaking loses his mind. Loses it. So he returns to his room with a few of his friends and he just starts ranting and raving and like, I just...
You know, like he's over it. Then without warning, Kato pulls out a blade and stabs himself in the stomach. Sorry, Joan. I was reenacting. I was trying to act. Did I do a good job?
Yep, stabs himself. I think he's over it. Doctors rush in and they are able to save Kato. They stitch up his stomach, they clean it, whatever they do. But then Kato wakes up. Shit, I'm still alive? He's pissed. So he starts violently ripping out the stitches and pulling out his organs.
He's lost his mind, I think you could say. People are all around begging him to stop. Like, why are you doing this? Kato, no! What are you doing? Kato said that he hated Caesar so much that he wanted to die so he wouldn't have to deal with the humiliation of facing him again. Baby, slit your throat. Am I right? There's just other ways. I feel like this was a little dramatic, okay? I mean, whatever. Not my life. Good for him. I'm...
He cuts himself. He's ripping out his organs. Guess what?
He dies. Yeah, I mean, once you rip your organs out, I think that that seals the deal. Cato's suicide was not only extremely disturbing, but it sent shockwaves throughout society. He was a very important member of the Senate and he represented the quote unquote old Rome. To the Senate, Cato's death represented the dark power Caesar had over the government. He was literally unstoppable. He drove this man to rip his guts out, right?
But their hands were tied because people loved Caesar, okay? The public loved Caesar. What do we do? What do we do? In the year 46 BC, Caesar threw a bunch of parties and processions in his own honor. He showered the Roman people with gifts, just reconfirming their love for him. He's like, here, have a Tootsie Roll. Here.
"Have a Pez dispenser, no candy inside. Here, I got you this leaf. I found it." Gifts. At this point, he had been in power for over a decade, way longer than any ruler before him. The Roman people started referring to him as Divine Caesar. He wasn't a man anymore. He was now their god.
Yeah, I know, Divine Caesar does sound like a good salad dressing. One that you gotta shake really good 'cause everything settles at the bottom. But you know what I'm saying. A couple years later, Caesar demanded the Senate name him dictator for life.
I know it sounds like a joke, but it's not, it's not. He knew he could make this demand because he had so many people and the love of the public to support him. Now, this title gave him power all over the government. At this point, Caesar is 55, which for starters is old for this time because no one lived past what, 10? Oh, you were lucky to get to 25. So for him to be 55,
It's pretty, wow. But as a leader, as a quote unquote dictator, this was considered a little maybe too old. But he showed no signs of stopping. He was getting ready for even more military campaigns to expand the Roman Empire. Behind the scenes, the government was in full panic mode. Caesar was making decisions without even consulting the people. Rumor has it, if anyone accused him of having too much power, Caesar would immediately arrest them and then throw them in jail.
The senators knew that they had to take matters into their own hands. They were tired of hoping things would get better. Caesar was a bully and they knew if they spoke up, they'd just end up in jail or get poop on them. I'm stuck on this poop thing, okay? That was a little much. Or maybe murder. That's kind of bad too. So a group of 60 people started coming up with an idea.
First, oh my God, it's like, so you guys have seen Mean Girls and you know when they come up with that little list on the chalkboard of how they're gonna take down Regina George, aka Caesar. Get rid of Senator Friends. Number two, expose the hairline. And number three, break up his army of skanks, aka his bodyguards. This would be the formula to take Caesar down.
First, they need to get Caesar alone, which was not an easy thing to do. On the streets, he traveled with an entourage of soldiers. They were essentially bodyguards, his army of skanks. So the senators, the ones who want to take him down, they're going out of their way to make Caesar feel like, you know, we're the good guys. We're on your side. We love you, Caesar. You're the man.
Great. They agree with everything he's saying. They keep it light. They're like, we freaking love pizza. That's such a good idea, man. Around February 44 BC, Caesar is approached by a soothsayer that he had on his staff. This soothsayer was known for predicting the future.
Not just interpreting his dreams. So let's say the soothsayer comes up to you, has information. You're going to listen. Okay? This man's a wizard. He knows his shit. So the soothsayer, he sits Caesar down and gives him a warning. He says, beware the Ides of March. Do what you will with that. I take cash, PayPal, Zelle. Ha ha ha.
So, Ides essentially means the middle of March. Beware the middle of March. Vague, but okay. The soothsayer was basically implying that the government was about to turn on him soon. Middle of March, maybe, I don't know. But here's the thing, Caesar, narcissist, okay?
He had gotten so many wins and everyone was being very nice to his face. He could have anyone he wanted. So he doesn't necessarily believe the soothsayer. He's like, okay, man, note it. Caesar can't even comprehend the idea of someone potentially setting him up. For the next month or so, Caesar goes about his business as per usual. And then in March, March 15th,
Uh-oh. Is that the middle of March? It is. March 15th, 44 BC. Caesar shows up to a scheduled meeting with the Senate. Right away after Caesar arrived alone, the senators were stoked. Because up until like this point, it had been impossible to get Caesar by himself. So he shows up by himself and they're like, oh, fuck yeah.
So they immediately circle him, ring around the rosy kind of situation. And they start peppering him with all these distracting questions, talking over one another, confusing him. It's like, what is going on? Some of them even started kissing his hand. At first, Caesar doesn't think it's really that weird. He's like, yeah, I'm amazing. I know. Yeah.
Yeah, I know. You know, probably thinking to himself like, they're so obsessed with me. This is crazy, but I understand because I'm amazing. But then one of the senators does something off. He pulls Caesar's toga off his shoulder. I would, but this is too small, so I could barely get it on. I like ripped it. Oh man, I squeeze into this, but I would do it. So...
Pulls a toga off his shoulder. And he was like, okay, you know, I try and grab my titty or something. But little did Caesar know, this was a signal the senators had agreed on. So once someone pulled off like the toga thing, that was like the green light. Okay. Then one of the senators, a man named Casca, pulls out a dagger from his shirt and stabs Caesar right in the back.
Caesar is shocked. He literally can't wrap his mind around what's happening right now. Before he can escape, get away, he's stabbed again. Ugh!
And then again, and then before you know it, the senators are taking turns stabbing him all over his body. Caesar fights back, but it was 20 against one. He really didn't stand a chance, okay? Even though he had been stabbed over 20 times, Caesar fought until the end. So then a politician named Brutus takes a dagger
and hears the words, "Finish him," and raises his arm and takes the final stab. And this, I don't know if you, this is where we get that famous line, "Petrayal." This translates to, "You too, Brutus?" Now, when you think about this, it's an iconic moment.
Whether it's true or not, he literally didn't say this. It actually came from a Shakespeare play about Caesar, but we all believe it to be true because it makes for a good story. Because Brutus allegedly was like really close to Caesar. And when he said, et tu, Brute? It was like this ultimate betrayal. Like you, my friend, my buddy, you? Oh, it's beautiful. Realistically, that's not what he said when he was being stabbed. He was probably like,
"Fuck you!" Or, you know, like, "You piece of shit!" And this is where we get the famous last line from Caesar. He looks up and he says, "Pizza, pizza." And that's where Little Caesar's pizza comes from.
I'm just kidding. So Caesar eventually covers his head with a toga. He fell to the ground and he bled out at the foot of a statue of his enemy, Pompey. Oh.
Tragic, is it? I don't know. 'Cause he didn't really seem like that great of a guy, but people love him, whatever. So even though senators were thrilled this worked, they're like, "Yay, we married someone, high five." His murder actually led to a lot of rioting and public outcry because they loved the guy. They weren't seeing what was happening behind the scenes, you know? So they're rioting, there's public outcry, but as life goes, you know,
The people eventually got over it. They're like, Caesar who? But the legend of Julius Caesar lives on.
He was an expert at taking risks at the right time. And even though he didn't always succeed, he never let it get in the way of his ambition or confidence. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing because it's like sometimes like chill the fuck out, okay? You don't need to kill all these people. My God, is that ambition? Murder is ambition? I don't know, but okay. And to this day, people still wonder, did Caesar deserve to die? Is this where the...
where the origin story of the great betrayal, backstabbing comes from, you know? Did he invent Caesar salad? Turns out no. Mexico, 1924. Look it up. Orange Julius. I don't know if that's named after Julius Caesar, but I like to think it is. I'm just throwing that out there. I love Orange Julius. When was the last time you went to an Orange Julius? Exactly. Merino Valley Mall. They had an Orange Julius. I would go there all the time. Romans.
They made great orange juice. Just kidding. What else do people wonder? The guys, if you have a man in your life who's, not to stereotype, I apologize. If you have a straight man in your life, for some reason, they love this guy, right? Caesar, the Roman Empire. What is the deal? What's the deal? Well, to be fair, Bailey and Joan and Paul, are you listening? We only talked about Julius Caesar as a person. We didn't talk about like,
all the things, all the laws, the government, we didn't get into any of that. So we'll have to do a little part on that and then we can decide if Caesar deserved to die. Fair?
Okay, I've learned that throughout history, no matter where we are, there's always a man who thinks he's doing super great things for the greater good, who actually ends up doing like psycho, shady, murderous, rampage kind of shit. And they're like, but I did it for the country. Same shit, different era. My
My ending thoughts? Pizza, pizza, yeah. Our next episode is quite interesting to say the least. You know, I feel like celebrity news these days is kind of boring. Nothing new is going on. Everything, everyone looks the same, right?
No offense. But there's one thing that's always caught my attention and didn't know much about and recently has caught my attention more and more. The Wendy Williams story. You saw what's going on right now? Anyway, so I saw that and I was like, damn, what's going on with Wendy? No, I hope she's okay. And it was giving me flashbacks to Britney Spears. You remember the Free Britney movement, okay? I feel like that is when a
lot of us learned about the term conservatorship. Now conservatorships are not a new thing at all so of course I had to look into it and let me tell you it's a lot more intense than I realized. Well tune in next episode where we are going to be talking about the dark history of conservatorships.
I'd love to hear you guys' reactions to today's story. Make sure to leave a comment down below so I can see what you guys are saying. And your comment might even be featured in a future episode. So now let's read a couple comments you guys have left me. Shelly Gilbertson 9828 left a comment on one of our designer baby episode clips saying, quote,
It's always been survival of the most resourceful. If it was survival of the fittest, things like butterflies, jellyfish, snails, sloths, all kinds of plants and animals would not have survived. Shelly, I get what you're getting at, but like, I'm just gonna let you know. I don't know if you know this. I did not invent the phrase survival of the fittest.
That would be Charles Darwin. I'd tell you to call him or like give you his information, but he's dead. Yeah. But I will say one thing. Did you know, fun fact, sloths can swim really fast.
Look it up. I bet you didn't know that. Sloths are fast swimmers. Oh, baby girl, listen, I went down, Shelly, I don't care what you're talking about, 'cause let me tell you about what I learned about sloths. I went down a sloth rabbit hole where I learned so much about sloths. They can swim so fast. They are lying to us 'cause they don't want us to know how fast they are. You're welcome, and I hope you have a good day.
Oh, and there's also videos of sloths in trees and they have this, if they get mad, they can snatch things out of your hand or something really fast. Sloths are wild. Survival of the fittest or survival of the fastest? The sloth. Anyhow, I hope you have a good day. Bye. I love sloths. Kim Bieber1238 said, Bailey, I named my daughter after you. Oh,
Really? She'll be two months next week and your videos have definitely helped me through this postpartum. Aww. Did you know sloths can swim fast? Isn't that nuts? Okay, no. Thank you so much. Congratulations on your newborn. Let me know when baby Bailey is ready for a little Bailey makeover. We can do some lash, a bronzer, spray tan, little baby Bailey. Pageants.
We can do, I would love to be a stage mom, okay? Yeah, we could do that for Bailey. Bailey would love that. And also, I'm glad that my videos could kind of help with postpartum. I hear it can be really, really, really rough, okay?
Yeah, so I appreciate you. I'm glad I can help in some kind of way and I hope you're doing okay. Take care of yourself. Mikaela JM1 left us an episode suggestion. Ooh, you love a suggestion, don't you, Joan? Dark history of why there is a P in pneumonia. This is brilliant. This is brilliant. Hey, idea, Mikaela, love this. Dark history of, why is it spelled like that? Aisle, A-I-L-E.
S, you know, aisle. Pneumonia. P, eh. What's another one? Subtle. Don't get me started on subtle. What is up with that B? I didn't even know. I thought that was subtle. I said subtle forever. It's subtle. What? Huh? Huh? Hmm? Dark history of words, right? I'm so into this, Makayla. You don't even know. I'm about to go down a rabbit hole. Who did this to us and do they hate us? Remember the spelling bee?
pneumonia. Yeah, right. Like, okay. They did that just to be assholes. I can go on and on about words. And sloths. Thank you.
Thank you guys so much for hanging out with me today. I love you so much. Keep commenting. Maybe your comment will be featured in a future episode. Maybe it won't, but that's what you do. Did you know you can join me over on my YouTube where you can watch these episodes on Thursday after the podcast airs and see our cute little outfits that we wear. And while you're there, you can also catch my murder, mystery, and makeup because that's glam and that's fun. So don't forget to subscribe because I'm always here for you with new content.
And hey, if you don't know, Dark History is an Audioboom original. I want to give a special thank you to our expert, Dr. Josiah Osgood, author of Uncommon Wrath, How Caesar and Cato's Deadly Rivalry Destroyed the Roman Republic. And I'm your host, Bailey Sarian. I hope you have a good day. You make good choices. Look up Sloss, and I'll be talking to you guys later. Ooh.
We should get Little Caesar's pizza. They should sponsor this episode, actually. Okay, bye!