Ask Me Anything #7: John Answers Your Questions
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This is episode 679.

What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so glad that you're with us. I'm so, so grateful. Every single one of you. Mowing, vacuuming, just sitting under the covers, trying to ignore your family during the holidays or the new year. When is this coming out, Kelly?

Two days after Christmas, which for most people is probably past mowing season, I would think. For most people. Yeah, but if you're like me, you can hide on the mower, dude. You can just be like, got to mow. This is when you can hide and mow up all your leaves. You're not doing anything. Or you can snowblow. Is that a thing? I just remember that from Short Circuit. Remember that movie? Yes, but I think for people living far north, northern...

Farther up north than we do. Snow blowing is a thing. That's literally the most southern thing you've ever said. More northerner. Good job. This show is brought to you by Kelly's reading ability, Hooked on Phonics. She has an app out. You don't. So, hey, this is a special episode. This is an Ask Me Anything that we do at the end or beginning of every year. And, uh...

I don't know. We've been doing this for four or five years now, so we've maybe done two or three of them, so maybe sometimes we do this. Actually, we've done quite a few because usually we do them on the 100, like the 100, 200, 300, but...

If we're being real transparent here. You forgot? No. We've been sending you the questions to pick from since June. Yeah. And you haven't. Yeah. So it was supposed to be on the 600th episode. But I like AMAs coming in cold. And then just so people know, so it was on the 600th episode. We planned it. And this is episode 679.

I like... But you never said that. You just ignored the email. Listen, I like coming in cold. I can't stand, like, overly prepared because they look like... They look...

I don't like prepared, slick, like TikTok-y, video-y things. I like listening to somebody. Do you actually know what you're talking about? And is it in your gut somewhere? I don't think anyone will ever confuse us for prepared and slick. I just don't. You know, those words have never, you know, like, Delaney was very prepared. That sentence has never been uttered ever, ever. All right, so let's let them rip. All right, question number one. Ask me anything. What is the most common relationship advice people get wrong?

relationship advice that people get wrong, that they can... Something around they can do something to change their romantic partner. That there's some kind of behavior, some kind of something that I can do to make you do something different. We just don't have that kind of control like we wish we did. Can you give an example? Maybe the most common question I get is, I want my partner to stop drinking. How do I...

Make my partner have more sex with me. How can I like you can do things like not be an ass like be kind You can do things like be hygienic. You can do some things but the other person ultimately has to make a decision um more More heartbreaking. How can I help my? Husband be less depressed. How can I help my wife be less anxious or how can I help my wife with her? um

The challenge is you can help with the environment, but at the end of the day, somebody's got to want to or be able to or take your hand and walk with you towards healing. And

It's hard when you love somebody and they're hurting on the other end of that. But I think the most common advice is five tips to make him fall for you or three tips. It's just all bull crap, dude. You can create a context, but the most important thing is can you sit down and look at somebody and say, here's what I want, here's what I need. Will you be with me? And they have to say yay or nay. And that's scary, scary. That's a lack of control that we don't have a psychology for in our culture. So I'm going off script here a bit. So I think...

I think it's more prominently female than male is my guess that we grow up with the idea somehow of we can change it. Yeah. And I don't know where that comes from. I think it – I don't know how old that sentiment is, but I'm guessing it's 25 or 30 years old. Maybe I can be way off from that. Oh, way older. I mean I think that's been – Because I think my mom and dad in their generation of being married, they're in their 70s, men just were and women just were.

And then it became this idea that men, masculinity, this idea, and there's all different derivatives of this, but there's something wrong with it. The fact that men go to work and duke it out with each other every day over tiny little postage stamps of yard, right? There's something wrong with that inherently. And so if men would just...

fill in the blank with any number of different behaviors and somehow that became a woman's responsibility and she's always held not always but for the last couple hundred years especially she always held chastity always held like the cornerstone here because women have out like disproportionately held the

if this thing goes bad, right? You have to remain chaste 200 years ago because getting pregnant could kill you, right? Or it could bring great shame to your family if you got pregnant. So you had to, or you have to just kind of suck it up for the last thousands and thousands of years because you weren't allowed to have a job. You weren't allowed to own property, right? So I think in the last 25, 30, 40 years, as things have changed,

have, the playing field has begun to level a bit with same jobs and rising incomes and women just have more options. Um, they have looked at men as projects like, oh, I can make him X, Y, and Z. Yeah. So it sounds almost like, so I'm a Gen X that it's kind of, we were the first generation of. I'm totally making that up. I don't, that's actually a good question, but it sounds right to me. Yeah. Because I mean, I know there's the idea of, you know, you date the guy that's

kind of an ass but you're like and you know that everyone's told you he is but you're like oh I can I'll be the one who can yeah all tame the wild dragon yeah right I don't know Ben I know you were called the wild dragon back in high school so I've never even heard this how'd you know

I mean, your tattoo that says wild dragon across your back. But I'm making that up. And let's take for granted maybe for all of human history, women have thought I can change him. I think there's been this assumption that men don't have to. I don't have to change. I can just be the way I am however I want to, whenever I want to. And that's just not the case anymore because women can leave. They've got other options. And so maybe that's it.

Question two. Does that ring true? Oh, I think so. Cause I think even, well, so I'm thinking back to, cause you know, I'm a huge history buff, especially like 14th, 15th century history. Um,

And when women – we didn't have the rights. We couldn't divorce or leave. But I know that there was a way that women would manipulate situations. You deal with the power you have. That's right. And so I think that that's probably gone through the centuries and the decades as women had more power and more power because it was all – it was the only way they had to control their environment. Right.

And so, yeah. Stay safe and not dead, right? Exactly. And I have to figure out some way to get what I want because I don't have a say so. And then all of a sudden when things were not completely level, but more level,

You could get a mortgage and a credit card. Right, exactly. You know, you could get a bank account without having to get my husband's, you know, thoughts on it. That's when things went sideways in the Kelly Daniel household, but keep going. Anywho. But yeah, so then all of a sudden it was like, well, now I can fix him. I kind of have my life exactly as I want it. Right. And I want the bad guy, right? The bad boy. I want the bad boy, but I want the –

I want him to be the bad guy in the world that I create. In my context. Yeah, within my guardrails that are okay. Yeah. And I think there's also something, and I may be out of, you know, out in left field here on this one, but this is probably not overly kind to my own sex either, but there's a whole idea that we're the, like, we can change him because we're so amazing. Like, he's going to want to be with us, so he'll change. Oh, gotcha. I think there's definitely some of that about...

I'm the one that'll be, I'm the one. I can do it. And I'm the one that can change it when no one else could. That's interesting because I've always known about the world-shifting power of teenage male American Western arrogance.

when they would line men up so like for all human history they'd line up you know warriors and say 99 out of 100 of you are not coming home and there was a zen about it there was the whether it's marcus aurelius whether it is the ancient eastern there's a zen a i'm going to give my life to a greater cause this is my role and then you get this adoption of a western male in world war one world war ii they lined them up and they said hey 90 of y'all are not coming home nine out of ten of you will die

and they lined him up and looked to their left and looked to their right and was like, sucks to be that dude because I'm coming home. And there was this sense of...

this insane self aggrandizement. Like I am, I will beat the odds at every turn. And if enough people think that weirdly, a lot of y'all beat the odds, but it never occurred to me that women do that too. Like, you know, I'll change them. I could change them. Oh yeah. I think that that's, do you agree, Taylor? Is that still a thing? I can do it. Yeah. I can be the one because either I'm so amazing, not even that, but just like,

I can do it. All, you know, all these other women who talk about what a horrible human he is. I can, I got it. I got it. There's something in me or he'll see something in me and he'll be like, Oh, she's the one I'll change. It's like, you're so worth it. I'm going to change for you. That's it. It's the, I'm so worth it. Look at me learning today on the John Deloney show. That's awesome. All right. Question two.

When should you delete pictures of your ex-significant other? Oh, geez. This is the question that's like beyond me because I grew up – I didn't grow up in this world. I've still got like – I remember my wife hilariously made – like back in the day, you just had stacks of photos that you would get developed. My wife one time – we were probably three or four years in. She made it. It's hilarious. And I still have it somewhere in the Deloney Archive somewhere. But she made me like a –

uh photo album of all like any x photo that she found it was it was hilarious like from that's amazing middle school high school into caught like she made this like thing and it was it was funny and it was her kind of being like i won but also like um she's like well she was really pretty and she i mean so it was it made for a hilarious interaction but i don't know i mean i i

I'm sure there's pictures in our house somewhere in an old photo album of my wife's boyfriend. I don't know. I just could care less. I know the game has shifted dramatically to all this is public facing and there's these public declarations. What was it? Who's that country artist that's kind of a big deal right now? Zach something. Zach Bryan? Yeah, whose girlfriend said she found out that she got dumped on Instagram, on an Instagram post. It's just a world that's foreign to me.

So I guess here's the, what I would say is the magic answer. Talk to each other. And I could give seven boxes of farts if the photos of my wife's

Ex-boyfriends are somewhere in a photo album if they're on a frame on the wall. That's weird, right? So maybe social media that's what that is now, right? That's the frame on the wall So yeah, I would take them down pretty pretty quick But like in terms of like I don't know that you go and scrub everything Um, I remember an important conversation with my wife one time And it's I mean, this is several years ago. It's not a long time ago, but I said hey you've never asked

about, you know, X, Y, and Z, this person I dated or that person I dated or who I was dating during this period. And she said something that was really instructive. She said, I've never asked because I can't know. And I said, what do you mean you can't know? And she goes, I just, I can't, I can't. I just don't want to go there. Like, I love my life and I love our life together. And in my head, I'm thinking, we've been together over a quarter century.

And then later on, maybe three, four weeks, a month later, I don't remember. But I said, hey, it feels like there's parts of me that you can't love or that you have to pretend don't exist. And I said, that's weird to me. It's not weird that you don't want to hear the intimate details of my old girlfriends. That I totally understand. But it's weird to me that like there's parts of me, there's closet doors you can't open.

And she smiled and she goes, you got me on that. I think you're right on that. And so then out of the blue, maybe six months later, she was like, all right, who are you dating from here to here? And it ended up being a hilarious, funny, like, no way. Like it was a fun conversation.

But I think we like to pretend that everyone's past doesn't exist up until the moment we're with them. And their history begins the day we say hi, right? And I don't think that's healthy. I think there's a healthier aspect to know. Like, I want to know all of you. I want to know about you. And if there's parts of you that I think I can't know about...

I mean, my understanding of exposure therapy and working with anxiety and dysthymia, like you have to head into that. Like, tell me about it. I want to know all of you. And there's always the moron who weaponizes. Like, that doesn't mean you go into all of the grotesque details of all of your escapades and all of your, well, she was really good at, no, no, no. You're a terrible person. Break up. But I think there's something about knowing each other's history.

What about, so this situation came up this weekend. So I have a friend of mine that recently got divorced and we were at her house and I'm at her house all the time. But one of our other friends happened to know, she was like, you still have one of your wedding pictures up. And she was like, well, he's still the father of my son. Yeah.

And like she had pictures in her house of them as a family. She's like, well, because this is still his house and this is – these are his parents. But like I know I have – I was married prior, no kids, but I have a box that's like our wedding album and stuff like that. And I remember one time years and years ago saying something to my husband about, should I get rid of this? He's like, why would you? It's part of who you are.

And plus, like, every, like, six weeks or seven weeks, like, you get, like, half a bottle of red wine and you're just, like, going through the box and you're like, me? A, no, I don't drink. B, just no. And then? And I think, I mean, it'd be weird if I was doing that, but if, like, the idea that, like, he's like, I mean, it's just part of who you are and it's in a box in the attic, but it's like, throwing it away doesn't make it not exist. And, like, my kids know I was married. Yeah, so anybody who dates your friend...

knows she made a life with somebody and it didn't work out for whatever reason it didn't work out and so that's a part of whoever that person's gonna date so pretending that didn't happen is insane and also like there's that Michael Scott remember when he he's dating that that woman and he cuts out

He cuts out her ex-husband's face on a ski photo with the family and tapes his face in there, glues his face in there. Don't do that. That's insane, right? And I do think there's a moment where if your friend got remarried, having a bunch of photos in the house of another guy hanging on the wall, that's weird, right? So I can see a bunch of photos on my social media profile if you're newly married to someone who used to have a long-term – like that's weird. That's weird. But it is what it is.

What about when your iPhone or Facebook account pulls up photos that you would rather not be seeing on your day-to-day life? Like if you have a painful breakup, then what do you do? Like not wanting things to be curated of Facebook saying like, remember this? And you're like, God, no, I'd rather not. Maybe I'm crazy. I think part of dealing with pain and part of dealing with trauma is metabolizing it, not avoiding it.

And so I want to be able to get to a place. My wife thinks I'm, I'm part of like, it's a pathology for me. I'm friends with almost all, not all of them, but almost all of my exes, even back to high school. Like if I see, hear from them or see them, it's always, I always remember joy and they may remember me like, no, no, we hate you. Like, we don't like you, John. But like,

I don't know. I always want to work through those things. There's very, very few people that when their picture comes up that I don't at least smile. Either I'm laughing at them or remember when or that was a good time. I just, I don't like the avoidance thing. So maybe in a weird way, Apple's like helping us. It gives us little annual reminders of how healthy we actually are or not.

At the same time, it's really dangerous to have a bad weekend in your marriage and go check out your old college girlfriend. That's really unhealthy, right? And she's becoming a fantasy. She's becoming a numbing behavior. And also, it's interesting to be like, I wonder where that girl was that I kissed at that dance in seventh grade. Like, where is she at now?

That's natural. It's never happened before in human history that we have all that at our fingertips now, which leads to a bunch of weird marital challenges. But I don't know. I think it's messy. I think it's messy. And I don't know how Apple does all that stuff. So there you go. Internet's people. You win again. All right. Next question. What is your favorite thing to do on a day off?

I just... Well, so my wife and I went. We had an... I had a speaking event. Woe is me. At a resort in Mexico. It's pretty awesome. And she came with me. And she laughed. And I was like, hey, let's do this, this, and this. And she just cracked up. And she's like, nope, you will sleep 20 hours a day. Like every hour you're not working, you're not speaking or doing your thing, you will be cashed. And I was like, no way. I just go so hard all the time. I just collapse. And so...

honestly, I like to rest and be chill. Um, this weekend starts and I go in seasons this weekend starts hunting season. And so I get rather feral during the season and people always comment like, wow, you haven't shaved in a long time. And I'm like, uh, don't speak to me. Right. Um, and then I'll go through like the, it's all coming down the end of January into February. Um,

Like, are shows failing? What am I doing? I need to go back and be a professor. This whole thing's awful. And then in March, the sun comes out, and I'm like, let's go for a hike. It just is cyclical and seasonal for me. Cody, my manager, knows just he doesn't take a lot of my emails during the month of February because they're all caustic and ah. And he also doesn't jump at everything I suggest in March or April or May because he knows I'm overly –

want to take the world on. I'll say yes to everything and then I'll be sad in October, November. So it's just cyclical, but I like to spend time with my kids. I love spending time with my wife. She's a close buddy. I like playing music with the gang. I like to go into concerts. I love going to stand-up comedy and I like being out in the woods, catching something. What about you? What do you like to do besides just drink and get tattoos?

Seriously. Only because of the show. But I don't, it's just a thing, y'all. I don't even drink, so. Oh my gosh. She lies to y'all in America. I tell the truth. She does not. I think they know. It depends on, if it was a day like my husband and I just had, we're home, you know, breakfast. Whoa, slow down. Family show. Slow down. Breakfast. Okay, breakfast. Out like,

My idea would be we'd be able to go to Loveless Cafe when it's not a two and a half hour wait, have a nice breakfast, walk around downtown some little tiny –

town that we have a ton of these here in that area where you have a little town squares with shops and stuff in them. If it's just me and I have a day off, probably a lot of, sadly, I would love to say I have all these, you know, grand things, but it's probably a lot of napping in front of the television, falling asleep. But if I have, you know, if I'm up and about and doing things, I get out in the sun, go take a hike and,

Go walk around. And I also love the idea. I love going to coffee shops by myself. And I love eating meals by myself. No problem doing that whatsoever. Going to a movie by myself, totally fine with all that. I love it. Isn't she a joy, America? Because I deal with all of this a lot. So sometimes I need a little alone time. Yes, a little don't talk to me time. All right. What's your favorite social distortion song?

Two of them are a tie. When the Angels Sing, which is pretty extraordinary, off the White Light, White Heat, White Trash album. And also on that same record, my other favorite song by them is I Was Wrong. The song I Was Wrong became an anthem for me back in 2000, 2001 or 2002 when it was released. Mike Ness, the singer of that band, was just the pillar of...

punk rock attitude not like green day punks where you have green hair and you're like oh my gosh girls but it was like real thick black boots and jeans and we're gonna fix the car and we're coming over to your house to burn it it was like old punks and so he was the picture of you don't apologize you don't say like you you just go hit the next guy in the room and when he came out with that song it was at a pivotal point for me growing up like going from being a

Being a college kid to it, like, I've got to be a grown man now. And for whatever reason, that lodged itself into my soul. Like, I was wrong. And it's okay to say that. And the whole song is called I Was Wrong. It's one of my favorite songs of all time. But those two songs are pretty amazing. All right. I'm going to go, again, off script, off with this. Favorite Guns N' Roses song? Favorite Guns N' Roses song. Great question.

I've got multiple memories wrapped around them. Is that okay? Patience was a song that me and a guy named Brandon, who is one of the most amazing musicians I've ever played with. We used to play Patience all the time. We had a little acoustic duo and we'd travel around like little coffee shops at college and stuff we'd play. And...

That was always just the crowd favorite back in the day. It's such an amazing song. It's so good. And he was so talented. It was just, that was fun. I remember Paradise City coming and being the first, that was like my generation's Bohemian Rhapsody. It was like an eight minute, there's 14 songs. It's just utter chaos, but it's controlled. And there's a sing-along chorus to it. It was just the perfect song for a guy growing up trying to learn what rock and roll was and wanted to have his own band. That beginning of Paradise City,

Just the strum. When it's just slash. I have so many freaking memories tied to just that beginning. I mean, I can think of a million things because I was – so you were probably in middle school because I was – what was it, 89? I was a newborn. No, you weren't. 89, I think. You were graduating college. I was a freshman in high school. Yeah, sure. And so – but I just have – yeah, for some reason, that bit right there especially –

A million, just a flood of memories. For nerds, like for music nerds, I listened to that intro strum. It's the most perfect, like time signature wise, tonally, like it's the most perfect that, that first chord, I would just hit, I would just back it up, back it up, back it up, back it up, because I was so perfect. And then the end chaos where you can hear everything exploding. When you see it live and they're running around and there's rockets everywhere, it's

It's just what it's supposed to be. Like, whatever you think rock and roll is supposed to be, it is that song played live. I don't know.

I just remember smiling ear to ear. I've seen it twice live. I smiled ear to ear and I didn't stop. It was just every little boy on planet earth has imagined themselves being slash standing up in front of the whole screaming crowd, playing that solo at the end of paradise city while axles running around behind you, just doing some, probably having a tip or tantrum about some sort, but yeah, yeah, those are important. And then there was just songs when that, when aptite for destruction came out, it was just such an inappropriate record.

And it was just a way to like be a little rebellious kid without doing anything. You said to put your headphones on.

And much to my chagrin, 25 or 30 years later when I saw that concert, I was like, oh, all those songs are downloaded in there. Like I knew every word to every song. Oh, yeah. My Michelle. Mr. Brownstone is one of my favorites. And I know it's horrible. I'm fully aware of what it's about. I remember they come out and they started playing their first song. And I mean, the place erupts. And I'm with four of my oldest friends. I mean, three of my oldest friends on the planet. One of the mothers, one of my childhood second moms,

She calls me. I live eight hours away. And she said, I know this is crazy. And this is the mother of my closest, one of my oldest friends on the planet who's paraplegic now. She said, I did something crazy. I heard there's a Guns N' Roses show. I bought four tickets. Is there any way you could fly down? And the whole old gang go. And I was like, I will be there. And it was a fun, wild night. But...

Two lines into the first song. I remember going, whoa, whoa, whoa. I have a daughter. I'm not singing this. What song was it? I don't want to say. Was it Rocket Queen or Bye Michelle? I just remember going, no, no, no. I have a daughter. We're not. This is. Mr. Rose, you're being rude and tacky. It's inappropriate. Inappropriate. So I crossed my arms for that song. But.

Then we got back into it. But I just remember being like, oh my gosh, no kid should have listened to this record. Well, that's pretty much all music from the 90s. I know. That I listened to in my car. I know. And then I turned it up. I know. Yes. All right. Last question on this one. Favorite Metallica song? Favorite Metallica song. My gosh, that's fantastic. Going all the way back, there's a song off their Kill Em All record called Whiplash that I remember being the fastest song.

I remember thinking, I didn't know how human beings could play a song that fast and it being like being electrified. Like I remember being like, that's what it, yeah, I want to play that fast. And so I remember whiplash and gosh, I remember all those ride the lightning records and all, I just, I guess if I had to pick one, there's just, this is very unpopular to say, but it is very hard to beat.

Inner Sandman. Inner Sandman. One of the greatest, as the greatest metal song of all time. It really is. Yeah. It's perfect. It's perfect. It is perfect. If I have to pick one, like, to me, it's like Inner Sandman and then everything else. Yeah. Nothing else matters. For some reason, I just, I love it. See, I was used to, I remember being so upset with that song. Like, I wasn't allowed to listen to the record.

Like, oh, you guys sold out. Because when they played One, it was about like a war veteran. They played Sanitarium. It was about someone going crazy. So even their slower songs were about something caustic, right? But then just like James having a bad day singing about it. Yeah, it's something in Hetfield's voice in that one that I love. There's something in his voice that I just love. It sounds like a person being seen naked for the first time. Like, this is me. And there's just that awkwardness to it that's really pretty rich, yeah.

But Inner Sandman is the perfect metal song. It's the best metal song ever written. It just is. Except for Walk by Pantera. Oh my gosh. But if I'm being objective, Inner Sandman is the greatest metal song of all time. All right. So we'll be right back with more Ask Me Anything right after this.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, this time of year, most of us just want to stay in and get super cozy. My perfect cozy night at home is something that me and my family call bed pile. And that's when my whole family gets under some blankets around the fire. And we either read some books out loud like a bunch of nerds or we watch a movie together.

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Find comfort this holiday season with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash deloney. All right, we're back. Ask me anything. We just talked music. So what are we talking about now? All right. Trauma has become a buzzword. We'll just jump right in. We'll talk about trauma. What is it really and how do you recognize its effect?

I guess as simply as I could put it is trauma is your body reenacting something in the present that happened to you in the past. And you can detect it when your body begins to try to protect you from something. That's probably the easiest way I could say that.

whether it's a hard conversation, whether it's fear, whether it's somebody, you feel somebody coming up behind you. It's just your body trying to take care of you in some shape, form, or fashion. You know what? That's not a good answer. Here's a better answer. Trauma is when you have a memory of an event, a thing, a person, a situation, and your body goes into fight or flight in the present right now. It jumps to protect you right now. Other things are just actually scary, right? Walking in a dark alley doesn't mean you have trauma. It just means you're in a dark alley and someone might

hatchet murder you as they would in one of your podcasts um or in uh nate dog's dreams wild dreams there um but yeah traumas when you have a memory of a person a place or thing an event and um our situation and your body gets flooded it just tries to protect you and uh heart rate numbing devices sweaty like there's any number of things crying tearful anything

All right. This one says, I want to journal and be vulnerable, but I worry that someone will read it. How do I get past that? I mean, my honest answer is find somebody you can read it to. Go straight through that fear. Like write it down and sit down with somebody and say, I've got to tell you something bananas. I remember someone who I love dearly, not my wife, someone I love dearly was really struggling with some intrusive thoughts postpartum.

And had just convinced herself that if somebody knew the thoughts she was having, these images, that they were going to take her kid. And so it was like, all right, let him rip. Tell me. And you just watch this. I just remember her physiology changing in front of me because she'd been holding it so tight. And I said, you need to go see somebody right away, which she did. But I think there was that initial –

I'm not gonna take your kid. You're an extraordinary mom and you love your kid. What's going on in your head and your heart? And then she went and told her OBGYN who was amazing too. So, um, I could actually do something about it. I couldn't do anything about it other than just be there. But I, yeah, I'll leave it at that. All right. How do you feel about your impact on other people's lives? Only in the last year has it gotten very real and it gets, it's gotten pretty heavy. So in a strange way, I have to stay pretty distant from it. Um,

Because I think at the end, like I say this and not to be trite, but like I have the easiest part of this thing. That's just to sit and talk on the phone with somebody. And I look straight at a camera, so I don't actually see the person I'm talking to. And the real heroes are people who listen to this thing and then go sit down and they tell their wife like, hey, I want to do something different. Or I don't know how to be a better dad, but I want to. Or the wives who say like, I need more help around here. And they've never said that. They've never seen somebody model how to say that.

And so, or the person that says I'm struggling with pornography or I cheated on you or like whatever has to, whatever has to happen so that we can go to what happens next.

And that's bravery. So I'm always impressed with people who call. I'm always impressed with people who reach out or see me in an airport somewhere and says, like, I went and did the thing. That to me is awesome. But I have to be careful not to try to carry everybody's story because I can't. I don't have that kind of strength. I'm not that strong. And so over the last year, I've recognized the weight of it all. And it's pretty cool. And it's neat. And I've had to consciously remain at arm's length from it. Otherwise, it can become a part of my identity. And that's not safe. What about you?

People write in and say like, hey, thanks to John. And they always say, and team, which I guess it means you. That was me being sarcastic, by the way, everybody. I think we all caught that. Yeah, they do way more than I do. But like, how's it for you? Because you read all the emails that I don't get access to those. Like you read all the emails that come in and you hear the stories over and over and over. Yeah, when we first started doing this show, man, that took some time. I remember my husband walking in.

I was working at home one night, like 11 o'clock, going through emails. And I was just crying. And he walked in. He was like, nope, this has to change. This can't continue. And I had to learn how to compartmentalize it. And that's why we talk about – I think we all talk about as soon as I walk out of here, I can't tell you the calls we just did. It's really a strange phenomenon. Yeah. And I think we all feel that because I have to shut it off. It's like an extra sketch just gets shook and then you're out. And then it's like, okay, on to the next one.

And I know when I go through emails, sometimes I'm sure it seems heartless because I have to be just so yes, no, yes, no, because we get 200 a day. So it's just, yeah, it's a matter of just turning it off. And I'll have, when we're in our content strategy meetings and Trevor, our content strategist will be like, so when John was doing this call, what did he say? And Taylor and I are like, we don't even remember the call. And he's like, it was last week. We don't remember yesterday's because we've just turned it off. You have to. You have to.

Yeah, and that may mean that sometimes I sit at lunch and I don't sit with people and I sit by myself and just put my earbuds in. That's because she's antisocial. Partially. Or like if it's at the end of the day and you've had – I go home and there's like no radio in the car. I do that often. It's just silence. Peace. But do you ever – one of the coolest things is when somebody stops me somewhere and says –

I don't want to bother you. I just need to tell you. I started talking. I've been listening to your show. I started talking to my wife different and it's made all the difference. Or I sat down with my husband and we're seeing a counselor and I think we're going to make it. Like they'll walk away and that's one of the greatest gifts somebody can give me is like,

Because we all hit send, right? And we go home to our lives. And it's not like a live event where you can feel it and you know it's there and you meet people after the show and all that. This is just like you hit send. So there's something really extraordinary about somebody stopping and saying, hey, thank you. I can't tell people who listen what a big deal that is. It's awesome. All right. If you could play lead guitar for any band, dead or alive, for one show, who would it be and why? Lead guitar for any band.

Good gosh, that's a great question. I will probably go to... Yikes. That's a great question, man. Stumperoo. I would go to 92 to 94, Pantera. That's the only band I've ever seen. That's not true. There's only been a couple of bands, very few, that you walk into a room and they absolutely...

have absorbed the soul of that room or the stadium or wherever you happen to be. And those were electric seasons. And I just remember that guy could play guitar. Like, these were the best of all time ever. And it was pretty cool. So, yeah, the way they could move a crowd with that stuff was just astounding to me. What about you? Well, I don't play guitar. So, first of all, that'd be a miracle. But if I could ever –

So I'm going to ask you a question and I'll answer it too. This kind of goes with that. If you could see one band, one artist, dead or alive, ever, you know, one time, just to watch them play, who would it be? Queen. Oh, that's fine. It's Queen. Queen. Freddie Mercury, Queen. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. I mean, I've seen most of the bands I wanted to see. I would love to have gone to like,

somebody like Buddy Guy or Howlin' Wolf, like old blues guys in a dive in New Orleans. Like, I would love to see that. Shows like that, I would love to go see and catch some in the early days. But, man, seeing Queen and just being swept up in that thing. I can't even... Yeah, that'd be incredible. And Brian May is just the... I mean, he's just the perfect guitar player. Oh, yeah. So I've seen most of the bands that I wanted to see in my life. It would have been cool to catch Hendrix or something like that, but...

seeing the spectacle that was Queen would have been amazing. My second would be Journey with Steve Perry back in like 79, 80. A huge Journey fan. Love them. Yeah. But like, that's right when you were doing your first marriage. That was an important time for you. I was five. Yeah, whatever. And six. I'd just like to point that out. Whatever. This show's brought to you by Geritol. Yeah.

Because I have a sister, my brother and sister are quite a bit older than I am. So I grew up listening to, I had a Kiss poster on my wall when I was five. It explains a lot. But because I was listening to their music. And so I've been a Journey fan since, practically since I was five.

were this is sacrilege in the rock and roll community kiss is the one band that I've never been able to figure out oh they're a marketing I mean it's 100% marketing I've never understood them like the fixation and I hear that a lot of it was reading liner notes because they didn't have MTV back in the day they didn't have all they had were these pictures of these guys in the albums and that's all you had there was no websites there was no social media so you just would buy the record and you'd open it and there would just be these pictures and they would make little booklets

And – Well, and I remember they were the first that – my brother was a huge Kiss fan, and he had the Kiss t-shirt. Because I have a picture. He went to school picture day with a Kiss t-shirt. My mom was so mad. But we still have that. He had a Kiss lunchbox. And they just – they were the first ones to do that. Nobody did that. Market everything. Oh, yeah. They're geniuses when it comes to that kind of stuff. But my favorite and my poster was Peter Criss, the drummer, when he would sing Beth. Yeah.

I just think you like him because he was dressed like a cat. It's not great. I mean, you listen to it and you're like, that's not great. But it's just... Kelly has a thing for men. Fortunately, her husband does not have this, but she loves men with like just stringy Burger King manager mustaches. And Peter Criss just like painted his on. And you loved that. Shout out. I was a Burger King manager mustache. I don't want to try to drag you guys down because y'all are making it happen with that Whopper with cheese. But like, you know what I mean? Like just the little like, oh, just let's just shave that guy. You love that.

I can't hear you. I said, does that explain my fascination with Kid Rock and Dave Navarro? Yeah, some of those guys, probably. Every once in a while, I'm right on the nose. Yeah. All right. All right. We'll be right back to wrap up this AMA if you're still with us. No one's listening to this, Kelly. We'll be right back. Ayo, I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside Club. I think I'm the only member. And yet...

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I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account. Every business wants to survey me and become my friend now. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff and it drives me nuts. And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it?

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All right, we're back with, I guess, the last segment of this Ask Me Anything. It's mostly been talking about Kelly's music preferences. What does healthy masculinity look like? Oh, my gosh. Can I just say the phrases that just popped into my head? Yeah. I can, and I don't have to. I get to, and I will. And I know when to fight, and I know when to provide, and I know when to love, and I know when to lay it all down. And masculinity is knowing when.

Can you give me an example of the can? I can. I get to all of those. We've never really talked about it on this show. We're going to lose some listeners on this one. That's okay. I spent years... Like you said, no one's listening anymore. I spent years learning mixed martial arts so I never have to fight anybody. I can and I won't. I just will walk away. And I grew up... My dad was a homicide detective. I grew up around guns and I know how to handle guns so that I never...

get some fantasy about using them, right? I know how to go out and hunt a deer and to, from start to have it in the freezer and then cook it, right? I know how to do that. So man, I really enjoy a hamburger and cheeseburger, right? And so it's, I think there's this idea that you do all these things so that you can exert your will on the world. That's such a lame way to live. It's an exhaustive way to live.

But also equally exhaustive is this new world where men are happy about the things they don't know how to do. I don't know how to do that. I would never want to. That's insane too, right? That's just a little sliver of history. So I think this idea that I can, and because I can, I don't have to, is a, I think Jordan Peterson says, becoming terrifying is,

So that I can be as gentle as possible. Because if you're not, if you don't have that power and that strength that you know you can draw upon, if I didn't know, I couldn't go get my family food if I needed to, then I'd become an anxious mess. You follow every political trend and you outsource every decision, everything, every, ah, to everybody else and you never have peace.

And in the book, I don't want to talk about it by Terry Reels, one of the top five books of my lifetime. But he talks about going to meet a warring tribal chief, I think in Africa. And he noticed that they were overly, overly affectionate with their sons, holding hands with their sons, hugging their sons, kissing their sons all the time. And he asked about the interplay between this war tribe and this affection. Like, which one is it? And the chief said something along the lines of,

It's both and. It's the mark of a true man is knowing when to do which. And that always sat with me. Like, that's it, right? I can, so I don't have to. And that to me is it. Love that. So how do you limit kids' access to social media when they're at school or with their friends? Because we've talked a lot about at home. Well, number one, if they don't have a device, they don't have a device. Number two, if a kid shows them something, they're going to show them something at school. I mean...

You play as much defense as you can, but you got to send your kids out into the world, which means you can't just, you can't play defense by prevention and have no conversation. You got to talk about it. And I always go back to those like,

It's the investment in relationships so that when they see something that they can't process, like some kid shows them a terrorist beheading video on some social media account, or they show them some, the first topless woman in their sixth grade, I showed them that for the first time or fourth grade or third grade. And they don't have a psychology before they just saw other than it was terrifying or it was awesome. Or it was like kind of, kind of amazing. Or like, I want to throw up. I can't sleep. It's the image is stuck in my head.

It's the reason you go to breakfast every Tuesday over the course of five years, six years. It's the reason you drive your kid to school with the radio down. There's those reasons so that there's a relational context for when those things pop up. And, um...

And you always enter those spaces, not with who showed you that I'm going to, you show it with, man, thank you for sharing that. That sounds scary. Or yeah, somebody that has shirt on is pretty amazing. That's why it's bounded in this context, right? That's why it's important to, so I, you're gentle and you open with curiosity, but kids are going to see stuff. Kids are going to see stuff. That doesn't mean, because I hear this all the time, they're going to see you at school. So I might as well. That's insane. That's like saying my kid might get punched.

in a by a bully so i'm just gonna hit him all that like stupid that's just stupid um and there's i mean we're i'm over the top as a parent and um but especially when my son was younger when he's in middle school and elementary school we would if he was going to a place where there's unfettered phones and internet he wouldn't want to go i just said we just said no and thankfully the parents were always so gracious and cool one so all right can you pick a couple of your tattoos and tell us the story behind them

I guess, yeah. You want me to take my shirt off? I can't believe I'm going to say this, but yes. You've been asking for that forever, Kelly. It would help the YouTube show. Yeah, I guess. Let me see here.

All right, let's see here. So here's a funny one. So I had this little just gap right here. So I got these prayer hands. Have I told you about this? Yeah, well, you told me, so I don't know if everybody else knows. So I got these prayer hands. I just saw them on old social distortion something or other, and I thought they were cool. But my daughter, they're praying hands. But my daughter, Josephine, when I came home, she was like, why did you get a tattoo of somebody clapping for you on your own arm?

And I was like, she said something like, do you need that? It was so like such a skewer. I think she was six or seven. The cardinal is my grandmother had collected porcelain birds as a little boy. I wasn't allowed to touch them. And I always wanted to. And there was a blue bird and a red bird in my eyeline as a little boy. And right before she died, she gave me both of those. And after I got this tattoo, I got it downtown New Orleans, Texas.

super sketchy, but it was good. And I then came to find out that cardinals, the myth of the cardinal is it's somebody that you've lost is visiting you. And so I spend a ton of time out in the woods and whenever I'm hunting or just out there in the woods, quiet and a red bird comes, a cardinal comes, I always just smile. And I think I'm a grandmother. And when I see a bluebird, I just, I pretend it's my granddad and it's cool.

And, uh, even the other day, um, a bluebird came and sat right next to me while I was in a tree and just sat there and I got this overwhelming sense of peace. And out of nowhere, I texted my sister and said, this is going to sound crazy, but I just heard from granddad. And he said, whatever you're working through, it's going to be all right. And she texts me back. She goes, well, when I get done crying, I'll call you. And I guess she'd been working. I mean, so it was just a cool little serendipitous is what it is. Um,

This was the last Christmas card or birthday card my grandmother wrote me. It just said, we love you. And I had that. They took it and tattooed on it. So I'm just a sentimental guy. I love that. And I got this one because of demons and dragons. I don't know. I'm just like the least hard guy there is. All right. So last one. If you could pick three headliners for Deloney Chela, what bands are you choosing? Deloney Chela. It would be the Avett Brothers.

And Turnstile and My Weekly Glow. That's our band. Great choice. Great choice. Dumb button. No, I would not pick that band. I don't know. Who else would I pick? I don't know. I can't tell you that.

Pantera? I'm trying to think. Yeah, I mean, OG, if I could bring him back from, like, two of them have passed away. Like you said, like, 92, Pantera. That would have been tough. Turnstile and the Avett Brothers could work. Pantera and the Avett Brothers would be a little bit of a stretch. Hey, it's your show. Be whoever you want. It is my show. Yep. You know what else I would bring out? Like, 85, Run DMC. I like that. 85, Run DMC and License to Ill Beastie Boys.

But they had already written Ill Communication, so they would play some of those songs even though that record wasn't out yet. And then the Avett Brothers would come on and shut the whole thing down. And, God, can I just tell you this? Of all the concerts I've ever seen, in the top five, in the top five, which is a bold statement, Mumford & Sons absolutely annihilated the place that I saw them. It was three dudes, and they had another couple of guys kind of on background instruments.

I've never seen anything like it. Yeah, I've never seen them live, but I've heard they're amazing. It was something to behold how great it was. And so if they showed up as a surprise guest, that'd be kind of cool. I'm not even a huge Mumford & Sons fan. I just remember leaving being like, there's no way I just saw that. Like three dudes come out, or four dudes, and just melt 16,000 people in this closed-air basketball gym. It's pretty cool. But I love the Avett Brothers with all my heart, and Turnstile is just the best. They're the best live band out right now. So I don't know. Who would you have? Um...

Michael W. Smith for sure. Stephen Chris Chapman for sure. Let's just say no. Okay. It would probably be 1992 Guns N' Roses. So the original lineup.

So you'd have to go to church before and then after. Yeah. Yeah. Because 92 was the last time I saw them. So, so good. I saw them in Metallica same day at a festival. That's amazing. Anyway, Teddy swims and this is a random concert. There's lots of fistfights in the parking lot already. Yeah. And then I'm going to make it even worse. George Strait. George Strait.

Yeah, in my top 10. Just the amount of, just the catalog alone of George Strait. So it's a very effective concert right there. I just remember Chris Stapleton walked out at the Ryman and just started playing this one song. I've never heard an audience that quiet. It was like we were witnessing something very spiritual. One of my best concerts ever was Stapleton at the Ryman just a few years ago.

It's unbelievable. I had the chance to see him again at the big stadium here. And I was like, I'm good. I've seen him at the Ryman. I'm good. There's no way a human has that much talent and that much kindness. Like everyone talks about him in town. Like he's the kind, if I could, if people would talk to about me one quarter of how nicely they talk about him, like, like he is just the greatest human being anyway. Yes. Okay. So a turnstile would open. Um, who did I say? Um,

The Avett Brothers turnstile Run DMC Beastie Boys You know who else would come out? Early 2000s, late 90s Counting Crows Back when they were in their heyday Back when the brothers were still both in the band Gosh, they were amazing Yeah, I got to see them in concert No, you're talking about Black Crows Yes, I would love that I want an All Birds concert Counting Crows Black Crows and the Avett Brothers That would be cool There'd be lots of drugs at that show

Being used by you. Me, I'm sober, but she is not. Man. What's your favorite tattoo you have and why? I have none. Literally zero. God, you lie and you lie and you lie. The truth is going to come out. We're in the age of the internets. Your Wikipedia page. We're going to get a body composition. But if people will stick around for the outro, I have a fun question kind of around that. We'll be right back.

All right, so you all know that this show is hosted on the Ramsey Network. We're a part of a company called Ramsey Solutions that has been helping people get control of their lives and their money for more than three decades.

This January 23rd, we're throwing a party in the form of a live stream called Take Control of Your Money. Into the new year, everybody's worried about their finances. This live stream is for you. And check this out. We're giving away $20,000 in cash prizes over the course of the live stream to five lucky winners. That's $4,000 a person.

And this live stream is going to be rad. It's going to have Dave Ramsey, my friends, Jade Warshaw, George Camel, Rachel Cruz. And they're going to be talking about how to make progress on your money goals once and for all. And there's going to be live questions in a Q&A format. This is going to be rad. Go ahead and mark your calendars. January 23rd, take control of your money live stream. It's going to be amazing. All the cool kids are going to be there.

I didn't get invited, but everyone else is going to be there. I want you to be there too. And I want you in $4,000. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash live stream. All right. We are back as we wrap up the show. Kelly, you have one more? Yes. Somebody sent this in. Okay. If you could 100% design Kelly's next tattoo without her having any say, what would it be? Oh, no question about it.

No question. It would be Deloney in Old English across your shoulders. I mean, no question about that. Like right now, you have those two middle finger tattoos on each shoulder blade, like where the wings would go if you had gotten a, like, you have those two giant middle fingers. I would go over the tops of the fingers with just the word Deloney in Old English. It'd be so good. And when you were always wearing those white beater, like those tank top things, it would look so rad. I thought I was done with my Old English face.

Oh, I'd bring it back for the Deloney tattoo. Yeah, I would. Because when you used to run, you were associate producer of Dave Ramsey's show Forever, and you have like Ramsey in Old English, like in that circle right over the top of your belly button. Yeah, well, he pays me. That's true. I don't pay anything. Yeah, we all can tell like Kelly's a volunteer spirit, right? She's just doing this one. Old PB, old pro bono. Well, he still pays me. So, you know. Here we go. Here we go.

Death Row is the label that pays you. None of y'all know that? Oh my gosh. I know that. Taylor just goes, what? Y'all break my heart. She's a lot younger than we are. What would be the three bands at Taylorpalooza? I genuinely don't know, but I was thinking if you ask me, I'm saying like Justin Bieber, Britney Spears, just to really, really put in there that I'm millennial. But those are like classic rock to you now.

you're right avril lavigne all of them oh my gosh they're classic she was a skater boy since you later boy i might have avril show up and play a song or two she played here a couple uh about two months ago and i know some people that went and said she was amazing oh when i saw her and she brought the house down it was me three other dads and 14 000 screaming middle school girls and that part was kind of awkward but avril crushed avril crushed what about you ben

I think I would do like pop punk, like emo from like the 2000s, like fallout boy panic at the disco, like from their original album. Oh dude. Like stuff like that. It'd be rad. Thanks for saying that in public. That was a brave thing that you just said out loud. This show's about bravery. Wasn't easy. Yeah. And Nate dog would just have his strange xylophone bells things that he listens to.

No. Just ta-ta-ti-ti-ta. I'd say like My Chemical Romance, Green Day. Those would be my top two. Again, the amount of drug use that goes on behind that screen, behind the glass. Hey, thank you all for being with us. If you're still listening, I know your holidays are not going well for you. So I hope they will go better for you. And man, I love you, love you, love you, love you. Thank you so much for being with us. We'll be back soon.