Does My Husband Have an Unhealthy Relationship With His Mom?
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How do I let go of resentment that I feel toward my mother-in-law? Oh, sweet. I say this with all due respect. Your mother-in-law is a cartoon character. So let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Your mother-in-law's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband. What in the world's going on? What's up? What is up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Taking your calls from all over planet Earth about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Your kids, your mother-in-law, your friends, your workplace, whatever you got going on in your life.

I'm going to sit with you and we're going to figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. Reach out to John Deloney.com slash ask. There's a, there's an internet form and you can fill it out. You can write as long as you want and, um, it'll go to Kelly and the gang and, um,

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Hi, thank you for taking my phone call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's up? Cool. So I want to know how do I let go of resentment that I feel toward my mother-in-law? Oh, sweet. All right. What's going on? I don't know.

Well, um, you know, it's like to sum her up in one word, I guess she would, I would say she's kind of like a bully. She starts fights with family and her coworkers often. Um, she's disrespected boundaries that my husband and I have set for our kids. Um,

She tends to ruin family events and vacations if she has tantrums. She'll have a tantrum if she doesn't get her way, if we don't want to go along with exactly what she wants to do. So part of me feels like I should just...

not let it bother me. And it didn't until I had kids. Now that I have kids, I just, I feel like I can't let go of like the bad behavior because I don't want it to influence my, my children. Yeah. So when you say she blows past you and your husband's boundaries, give me some examples. Um, so a couple of years ago, um, we asked, um,

my husband's family, everybody, my family too, but we asked everybody to not feed my kids like a specific thing because she was having some gut issues that we needed to figure out. And then it turns out my mother-in-law was feeding her that particular thing and it really upset me. And then when I talked to her about it, she like screamed at me and yelled at me and said, oh, other people feed her this stuff, which is not true. She was just trying to deflect, I guess. Um,

And we've also asked her to not buy our kids as many toys because every time we see her, she's always buying stuff for the kids. We have three kids and we live in a very small space and we don't have the room for it. So things like that, she just, for some reason, wants to do what she wants to do. What's your husband's relationship with his mother?

Good question. They're close, but I think the closeness is more like guilt as opposed to I really want to spend time with my mom. She's single. She's been married multiple times. And I think between him and his sister, they kind of feel like they have to be responsible for taking care of her emotionally, maybe. What does close mean?

Let me say this way. It sounds like you're being coy. I probably am. Tell me about the relationship between your husband and his mom. They talk a lot. How much? A lot of the conversation is initiated by her. They talk almost every single day. Text message, phone call, sometimes multiple times a day.

And that kind of, it shouldn't annoy me, but it annoys me only because I feel like she doesn't have any other like relate like friendships or anything or anybody else to rely on. So she's, it seems like she's relying heavily on my husband for like, I don't know, male companionship, which sounds kind of gross, but that's what it feels like. So I want to put something on the table. You tell me if I'm wrong. Yeah. Your mother-in-law's bananas.

And I say that in the most clinical assessed kind of way, right? Sure. She's bananas. You don't resent bananas. You resent your husband because your husband talks to this woman every day. He eggs it on. He continues to go to her and to accept it when she comes barging in the house. Yeah. Let me put it this way. And I'll get some pushback on this. I don't really care if...

My mom was completely disregarding something that was important to my child's health. I'm going to go directly and have that conversation. I'm not going to tell my wife, well, you need to go talk to my mom. I'm not going to do that. And if they do it again, or maybe if it happens once in a while, I'm going to say, hey guys, mom, you've opted out of a relationship with us. I'm going to hang up the phone. I'm not going to go. But for some reason, your husband keeps saying, we got to go.

We got to go. We got to keep showing up. We got to keep taking the kids over there. Am I wrong? You're not wrong. Okay. So let's be honest about who you're really mad at. Because, I mean, I say this with all due respect. Your mother-in-law is a cartoon character. Of course. Right? It's so out of bounds how she treats people.

She's a cartoon character. And of course she's been through multiple marriages. And of course she struggles to keep work relationships. And of course she doesn't have any friends. She treats people really bad. She's clearly got major struggles that she's dealing with or she's choosing to not deal with. Right. And I'd be willing to bet money that your husband and his sister have spent their entire lives propping up that madness. Right. I'm sure of it. Okay. But he looked at you and said, I do.

And the moment he did that, his priority became you. And then y'all made humans and his priority became them. You get what I'm saying? That's right. You're completely right. He cannot hold both sides of, he can't hold all of this up. And so tell me about conversations you've had with him about, hey, I need you to deal with your mom.

Um, they, in the past, past, like a long time ago when we first started having these conversations, it didn't really go so well. Why not? Tell me about it. I think it's because I'm probably the first person that's really pushed back against her. Everyone else kind of accepts the behavior as well. That's just who she is. And that's just what she does. And I'm talking about you and your husband.

When you said, hey, this isn't okay how she treats me. This isn't okay how she treats our kids. I don't like watching another person, I don't care if it's your mom or not, treat my husband this way. What does he say? He has supported that and he agrees. He sees it more now. It has taken him some time, but he does, he sees it more now. So he has gotten better at

you know, sort of, I guess, maintaining the boundaries, but there's still sometimes where, you know, he'll say, mom wants us to come over for dinner and I'll say, and I'll roll my eyes and then he'll get kind of upset about that. And I'll say, you know, I just don't really want to hang out with your mom or, and, you know, sometimes there's like a little bit of an argument there, but I think for the most part, he has done a better job of, of protecting his,

Me and the kids. And I'll say he hasn't. Because he still brings to you, hey, this rattlesnake bites us all the time. Hey, just get bit once this week, please. And you're like, no. And then you act immaturely. You roll your eyes, right? And then y'all start the dance that y'all have. And I promise you, it's not just about her. Y'all do this about other stuff too, fair? Sometimes. Yes. He's like, well, can we just... And you're like, ugh.

Yeah, I do go along a lot with what he wants to do. I know. You know why? Because part of him is his mom too. And it may be more subtle and it may be less dramatic, but y'all have recreated his childhood in your own house. Ooh. That sounds icky. It is, but also you've become his mom too. Ugh. So here's the thing. You can't, and I say this with all loving respect, and I do believe you've got to honor and respect your parents.

But I can't participate. What does that mean? I'm not going to talk bad about my mom. And also, I will never entertain dinner over there. I'm not going to be disrespectful to her. I'm not going to engage in joking and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I'm just not going to be that person. And my kids will never go over there. And I'm not going to subject my wife to any person who screams and yells, any person who disrespects my kids and their health.

Any sort of crude jokes or talk like whatever y'all want and let's be honest about how this plays out in your sex life Let's be honest how this plays out when y'all are planning vacations Let's be honest about how this plays out when y'all two are deciding who's where y'all gonna go to dinner Because I almost guarantee you there's traces of it there, too Yeah, you're right. So I think mom has become a proxy. She's an easy target You're right

Can he, if y'all sit down and do the proverbial swipe the table clean and you look at him and say, I'm tired of rolling my eyes at you. I want to be your wife, not your mom. I'm also tired of you not being my husband and defending me against this woman that continually comes after me. What was his response be? I think he would agree with me, but I also think that

that might not hold over time. You know, they tend to, his family I've noticed tends to like, they'll forget about things over time. And I'm afraid that this would be one of those things potentially. Okay. So here's what it looks like. I will never go over there for dinner again. Please don't ask. Because when you ask, you're putting me in a position to have to hold a boundary against somebody that's supposed to be on my team. Our kids will never go over there again.

She is psychologically unstable. She makes our kids not safe emotionally, spiritually, psychologically, physically. Look at me, honey. They will never go over there again, period. So please stop asking. You know, she's going to start screaming and yell. Yes, I absolutely do. And by the way, she does that when I'm there anyway. Right. She's literally unsafe. And I'm afraid that she's going to start doing that to my children. A hundred percent. She already is. I know. She already is.

And like all little kids, they think it's their fault and they start trying to solve it. And that's not their job. And can we be honest? Dude, grandmothers are supposed to be the greatest, the greatest source of endless joy and safety and laughter and love. And in your case, you don't have that. Your grandkids, I mean, your kids don't have that. Yeah, it's disappointing. I hate, it's heartbreaking. I hate it for them.

But I think here's what I want you to do. I want you to back up for a second and let's just put mother-in-law aside. She's a cartoon. I know she's a real person that hurts real people. I get that. But let's just move her to the side. Let's be really honest. I want you to write this stuff down about your own marriage. Here's our dynamic, honey, when it comes to eating out. Here's our, when it comes to how we save money or spend money to it with our sex life, with

I don't like this dynamic. We're recreating this. And maybe we're not recreating it with screaming and yelling and histrionic madness. Maybe we're not doing that, but we're recreating it in this way. And I don't want to do that. And then here's the most important part, Nicole. Here's what I do want this to look like. And here's what I want this to feel like. I want my home to be a place of whom I want my husband to be someone I highly respect and who will get between danger and me and the kids, even if that's his mom.

I want a husband who will spend as much time on me and our kids and lifting us up as he does trying to run around and prop his mother up. And here's what I'm contributing because I know you're not. I mean, you got skin in this too, right? I'm going to stop rolling my eyes at my husband. I'm going to stop being mad at you all the time and blaming your mom for it. We've got some real challenges in our marriage. I want to get to the bottom of it. Let's start there. Let's start there.

And then we'll make some very real, true, hard boundaries with another adult in your life that is psychologically unstable and that's making people unsafe. Very clear boundaries. I will not ever, period. Please do not ask again. And then we'll go from there. Thanks for the call, sister. Man, having a great mother-in-law is the best and having a challenging, awful mother-in-law is a nightmare.

So I know you're navigating this. I know millions of other people are navigating this. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, sit tight. When we come back, a woman finally gets the courage to leave her husband and then something happens. We'll be right back.

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$89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net slash Deloney right now. That's train, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. We get 30 million views a month.

coming in and out of the show. If just a fraction of you guys would just hit the subscribe button, it would be rad. So please hit the subscribe button, hit the like and the five-star reviewy thing or whatever. Let the overlords know, the tech guys, the tech bros, that you dig this show. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Indianapolis, Indiana and talk to Heather. What's up, Heather? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing great, sister. How are you?

I'm great. Thank you so much for taking my call. You got it. So what's up? All right. I'm just going to jump right in and then we'll go backward as needed. Cannonball. Let's do it. Woo. Here we go. Um, how do I balance staying close to my ex-husband who still needs support while not sacrificing my own chance at dating? Hmm. Hmm. Yeah. All right. Tell me more.

Okay. So in 2020, my now ex-husband and I were heading toward a very amicable divorce. The only thing we were waiting for was our tenant's lease to expire, and then he would move into a home that we own. And then he had a stroke. Your husband did? Or your ex? Yes. Okay. Yes. What was the nature of the stroke? Was it debilitating?

Um, for the most part. Yeah. Um, it's still to this day, the doctors still look at that MRI and have no idea how he survived it. Um, so I stayed and cause obviously I would never leave somebody like that. Um, and rehabbed him, you know, did all the rehabs, therapies, you name it, we did it. And he made a great turnaround. Um,

And so we did, after two and a half years of the rehab and everything, we did end up getting the divorce. He did end up moving into our home that we own, which is seven doors down from me. But I still go to every doctor appointment. I ask him to still come to the lake with our family because I can't imagine not doing that for somebody. Yeah.

His three best friends live in three different states. His family lives in another state. I'm basically all that he has, and the thought of him sitting home alone while I'm still doing my family stuff breaks my heart. However, my friends are telling me, you know you're never going to date if you remain this close to him. Well, you never really got divorced. True. You signed the papers. Right. But you still love and care about this guy.

You're almost like 50% wife and 50% mother. So let me ask you this. What does this relationship bring you? What are you getting from this relationship? Because it's easy to say, I have to do this because of him, him, him, him, him. And the way you painted the picture, he is making some astonishing choices. He's choosing to not move and be around his family.

He's choosing to not be around some of his closest buddies on the planet. He's choosing to live in a house that's, I'm assuming your name is still on the deed of that house? After the divorce things, everything got squared around to that, but yeah. But whose house is it? It's his now. So you gave it to him free and clear? And I kept the one I'm in free and clear, yeah. Okay. So you gave him a home seven doors down. And so all these things are choices that he's making.

So let me ask you, what are you getting from this?

And there's not a wrong answer. I just want you to consider and be honest about, okay, here's what I'm getting from this relationship. That's a great question. I think for me, it might almost be some projection. Like I remember being, you know, the little kid that nobody invited when they had plans or even in college when there was a party and I didn't get invited and how bad that hurt. And I would never want somebody to feel that. I get that.

But it sounds like you still love this guy. Why'd y'all get divorced? So 100% lack of intimacy. I mean, I cried, begged, pleaded, couple therapy, individual therapy, you name it. I tried it and it just, it wasn't there. Okay. So y'all weren't sleeping together? No, it had been two years at that point. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Very lonely. Yeah. Yet you've kept up a sexless marriage. Yeah.

Right? Yeah. Yeah, he's a great person. He's just not my person. But I have a lot of love for him. He was a great... He's the only guy that I've ever been married to. And because he was an excellent stepdad to my son. Like, there's nobody more important than my son. So he's a great stepdad. Still super close to my son. He's a great guy. How old's your son? 32. Okay.

Yeah. So when you say a great stepdad to your son, your son was 27 at the time? Yep. So he was a buddy to your son? Yes. Like just an adult male friend? Yes, but also very, like, cared about him, wanted to go down and see him at college, you know, really genuinely cared about him, which was huge for me. Yeah. I would suggest that the greatest thing a step-parent can do

for stepkids, and I don't know if he would qualify as a stepkid at 28, but I'll just go with it, would be to really treat his mother well. Right. I hear that a lot. They're like, man, he's a really great dad to my kids. We just don't like each other anymore. And it's like, no, no, no, no. Being a really great dad is figuring out that part, right? But here we are. I guess here's the thing. I think your friends are right.

You are still loving and caring and inviting and hanging out with and neighboring with your husband, your ex-husband. Right. And so it will be very strange for somebody else to enter into that, to be a third wheel into that relationship. Yeah. And I guess the question I ask you, do you want to date again?

- Honestly, right now I'm really enjoying being single. - What does that mean? Are you going to the club? Like what does that mean? - At 50, no. No, I just, I enjoy hanging out with my girlfriend, you know, doing a lunch and just-- - Why can't you do that while you're dating or married?

I can, I, you know, working, I putting me first for a change cause there for a couple of years, I definitely did not, you know, obviously his health had to come first, which is fine. Um, but I'm definitely enjoying putting myself first for a change. Um, so the thought right now, honestly, the thought of dating is just not me. Okay. So I guess this is something to not think about, but I would consider you being honest with yourself.

About from from the outside. You're still you're still married. You just live seven houses down All right, let me let me put it this way. You are playing all sides of the fence It's like there's a four houses that back up to each other and there's four different backyards And all their fences make like a like an x right like make a cross at some point And you have one arm in one backyard one arm in the other backyard one leg and one leg and you're just straddling this fence You're kind of his wife

You are kind of on the market. You're kind of married and you're kind of not. And so you've got a whole bunch of different boats in the water, but you don't have both feet in any of them. Right. Here's what I'm promising you is going to happen. You're going to wake up and be 60 and be frightfully alone because you never went all in on anything. Right. Or no, let me take that back. You did go all in and you got hurt. Yeah. Yeah. And you sound like a pretty amazing person.

Thank you. Thank you. I try to be. And an incredibly codependent person too. So I guess my challenge to you would be really being honest with yourself. I guess I reject the notion that you can't date or be married or the alternative is I get to focus all on me. Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, for sure. I don't think those are in opposition to each other. If you're in a marriage, like, like,

Where you are constantly being berated, you're underneath everything, everyone else's needs come before you and you're just a doormat. Yes, I get that sense. Right. I think honestly right now it's just there was so much caretaking for those two and a half years that it just feels good to just, ooh, okay. Okay, but you're still caretaking. True, true. What does it look like to have a hard conversation where you all sit down and say, okay, I'm going to begin dating or I'm going to begin running my own life?

And you're going to have to make some decisions about long-term care, your long-term health, friends and community, family. Yeah. The first thing that comes to my mind is just it's going to break his heart to not have his best friend there to help him be me. Do you still want to be helping him in that way? Yes and no. No, no, no. Hold on.

You've been people pleasing your whole life. Tell me the truth. Oh, are you done? A hundred percent. Or do you love it? Uh, I don't love it, but you're right. I have definitely been people pleasing the whole life. Um, cause if he's a chore, if he is a, or if he's a courtesy invite, because you felt bad when you were a kid and you don't want somebody else to feel bad. Yes. Let me just be honest with you. He feels that he knows he's, he's an add on.

Yeah. Yeah. And it's cruel to be honest with you. Cause in some way you're using him so that your young childhood, so your like inner child doesn't feel bad. Right. And that's not fair. No, that's very valid. I never thought about it like that. That's, that's true. And if you got divorced, if you went through a painful divorce, because being 47, 46 and wondering what is so undesirable about me that my husband won't sleep with me.

That's painful, right? Oh, it was miserable. Right. And you really put yourself out there and got atomic extra super vulnerable and you felt rejected and rebuffed. And he might've had all sorts of other challenges. I'm not trying to berate him. I'm just like, your experience is really tough. Yeah. And so if there, even after all that, you're like, dude, I still love this guy. I still like, he's still my best friend. I'm not going to leave my best friend high and dry. And if somebody wants to date me, then they just have to know I'm a caretaker too.

That person will be out there somewhere and you just got to make peace with it. What I don't love is you've set yourself up in a position where you will never get hurt again, but you can all, you will also never feel really great again. Yeah. Does that make sense? Oh, a hundred percent. Yeah. Because you just don't have both feet in any one boat. Right. And if it's in both feet in, I'm a fricking caretaker. That's my best friend. He's my ex-husband. Trust me, new date person I'm dating. There is no sexual tension at all. Trust me.

Right? Then great. Be a great best friend and be a great caretaker. And forget the romance part. If my buddy Todd had a stroke and moved and I had a house seven doors down, I'd gladly let him move in there. And I'd still get to make jokes, but I'd be happy to help him out. My oldest friend on planet Earth is a paraplegic. When we go out, dude, it's not a chore, right? To wait longer or to sit at special places. Like, that's not a chore. That's just part of being a friend who loves somebody, right? Yep. Yep.

And if people don't want to be my friend, um, because I have a friend in a wheelchair, then good riddance. Right. So, I mean, it's, it's just not gonna be a thing, but I want you to, I've got both feet in that. I want you to have both feet in that, or I want you to have both feet out. Okay. That's a hard call for you. I know that. And probably you've probably, you've probably never had that call ever.

I mean, you've probably never asked yourself that ever. And that's a tough, scary thing to do to ask yourself, what do I really want at the age of 50? What do I want? And it's not going to make you a bad person to take, to begin to give a fellow adult autonomy after two or three years of caretaking, of taking care of somebody, of walking alongside them, taking them all to doctor's appointments, bringing them to all your family, like getting somebody back on your feet. You've done an amazing, noble thing. I just want to make sure you didn't do this noble thing

at his expense for you. But we did the noble thing because it was the right thing to do. And now we're going to let this adult go be an adult again. And that means he's going to have some hard choices to make. Or we're just going to keep both feet in the boat. So I'm all team Heather, man. But let's do these things for the right reason. And let's ask ourselves the scary, scary question. What do I actually want with the back half of my life? This is halftime for you. You're halfway home.

What do you want the back half to look like? You get to decide it, but whatever you decide, put both feet in one boat and then head out to sea. You were not meant to sit in the harbor. Thank you so, so much for the call. All right, everybody, stay with me. When we come back, we're going to talk to a woman who just can't get over her husband's past. We'll be right back.

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All right, we are back. Hey, we have been through three dates of the tour, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey on the Money and Relationships Tour, and it has been lights out, wheels off, man. Having the time of our life. We're going to be in Phoenix on May 5th. We're going to be in Fort Worth on May 7th. Get your boots and your hats and come out and see us. That one may be sold out, but...

Maybe not. Go check it out. And Kansas City on May 9th. Go to ramseysolutions.com slash tour and come see us live. Come hang out. All right, let's go out to Woodstock, Ontario and talk to Romy, wherever I may Romy. What's up, Romy?

Hi, Dr. John. How's it going? Oh, it's going. I'm my first 11 listeners of your show. Yes! Thanks for sticking with us for so long. That means the world to me. For sure. I love your show. You're a saint. Thank you. Well, maybe you're not a saint, but I'm grateful for you. Well, I'm a great listener, but I don't know if I'm such a great participant. I guarantee you will be. What's going on? Yeah, so...

I'm going to start by saying that jealousy is a thief of joy. Okay. And, well, this woman that is my husband's ex-wife, she is very in the center of everything. And, like, even still in the family that I'm married into. And I get it. We have two children together.

which are grown now and we're very close. Actually, the kids and I are like his adult children are still very close. Like we're very close to each other. And so that's not a problem at all. My husband's completely like, I'm not interested in this woman. Like you must know this. So, and I believe it. Like it's me.

It's me and this woman. I don't know what on earth it is. Like, I'm obsessively always looking at her Facebook and see if she posted anything new, whether it's Instagram or whatever. And it's just, it feels ridiculous on my part. And I just wanted to see if there's anything I can do to stop these intrusive thoughts of hers.

Yeah, there sure are. Yeah, and she's like always the epicenter of everything. Okay, what does that mean? Because she's not the epicenter of your stepkids and she's not the epicenter. Well, I mean, she's their mom, but she's not the epicenter of your husband. She's not coming over to your house. She's not sending you messages, right? I mean, so is she just the epicenter in your mind?

Maybe, because if anything happens in the family, she has to message my husband, even though he doesn't like that, or he doesn't really answer her, or he'll just give a really short yes or no. Why does that bother you? They have kids together. I know. I don't know. I say it bothers you.

Why? Not that it even bothers you. Like, ugh. But I don't know. And I get that, right? I get that. But like, it doesn't, it doesn't, it's just not like a ugh. It is a, it takes over your body. Yeah. It's, it's, I don't know, John. Okay. Can we go down the rabbit hole? That was insane. Will you come with me? Yeah. Yeah. Please. What are the most, and this is going to be hard. So feel free to say stop at any time. Okay. Yeah. I want you to know you're driving. Okay.

What are the intrusive thoughts that haunt you the most? Her life, her good life. No, because you have a good life, right? Yeah, but we work hard every day. Not that we just make ends meet, but we're grinding the grind every day. What makes you think she's not?

She goes to the Bahamas for four months in the winter, and then they have this marina up north in this coveted place in Canada. She just seems like she's riding the gravy train. But I mean, you're right. I don't know for sure if everything is so gravy or if it just looks that way, right? Yeah, I heard a rumor that everything you see on Instagram is not true.

Right? And everything you see on Facebook is not true. Right, right. Yeah, it's true. Do you ever have intrusive thoughts of your husband and her together? Never. Okay. No. Do you have intrusive thoughts of them meeting the first time? I heard one woman say this and I thought it was very savvy. Let me just put it this way. My daughter, when she was like five or six, was crying one night. My wife was like, why are you crying? And she said...

Hank, our older son, will always have had more time with you. And it was an age-appropriate thing to be jealous about, right? A five-year-old's very, or four, five, or six-year-old's very self-centered, right? The world revolves around them at that age. But it was a very clever way to say that. And I've heard a grown woman say that too, that my husband's longtime college girlfriend, I'll never, she knows him at a time that I didn't get to know him.

Or she'll always have 10 years on me. Right. Does that drive you crazy? Um, maybe that could be John. Oh God. I don't want to put more things in your head. I hadn't thought to worry about that one. I'm trying to get to the bottom of it because, because here's the deal. If none of that happens, cause I hear I'm just going through common things that I hear.

I love my new husband and I just have flashes of him on his honeymoon. What I imagined his honeymoon with his ex is like, right? Right. Right. Cause I know he's told somebody else that he loves them too. Or he is rolled over after a white of now wild sex with somebody else too. Like I hear that. Yeah. And then I also hear the, I am jealous that there was these long conversations at a diner about what our future like house was going to look like one day.

I don't like the fact that my husband, even though he loves me, he would never cheat on me. He's like perfectly to get, we're together. We're building our own thing. We've been together for a decade. I just hate the fact that he had that conversation with somebody else too. One time. Like I hear those things, but I'm not hearing you say that. No. Can I tell you? Okay. So let's get to the layer beneath the layer. You've created a fictional character out of his wife, right? That person is not real. So let me ask you, what is this fictional character that,

Right? So, like, think of Superman. Think of comic book characters. The reason we love those characters is because they can do things we can't. Superman can fly across the world so fast he can back up time to save his girlfriend. He can pick up a car, right? Flash can run real fast, right? They can do these things that we can't do. And so it's intriguing to be like, man, if I could do that, I would fill in the blank.

Right. So you've created this fictional character. She just happens to have a real name and a real face. Yeah. Yeah. What is she doing that is reflecting the life that you live, that you feel dead in your own skin, inside your own life?

That perfect, you know, going away for four months. Because I'm like, I love the South and I love the beach. And it's like, she's going there for four months. I can't even go there for a week. Why? Why do you have a life that you've co-created with your husband? Y'all can't go to the beach for one week. Yeah. Why? I know we've had a few knocks also in our life. No, no, no, no, no. Don't circle the question. Just go right through it. How come?

Why do y'all have a life that you'll have co-created where you can't even get away for a week at the beach? Yeah. Is it finances? Is it just too expensive? Yeah. Yeah, I would say that's mostly it. Financial obligations. Tell me about some of these obligations.

We've got a house and mortgage and we have this line of credit we've got to pay down, which takes precedence over anything else. What is the line of credit for?

I inherited some money from my mom when she passed a couple of years ago, but she got married again. And unbeknownst to us and my mom, her husband had claimed to this money, which we have already used up on our house renovations and things like that. And then they went to court and we were on the hook for everything to take.

to pay this man back. - Is your mother still married to him? - Yeah, but she left him. She left him to be with me and to take care of her until she dies. She wasn't happy. - Well, no, 'cause he's a horrible human being. - Yeah. - But did your mom sit by him in court while they sued you? - No, she was already passed at that point. - Your mom had already passed away? - Yeah. - So let me get this right, your mother,

Her husband passes away. Oh, no, she passed away. Yeah, my mom passed away. She left you some money in the will. Yeah. But her husband, who's not your father, claimed it. Right, yeah. And so you get a check from her estate. Y'all spend that money. This ex sues you and said she didn't have the right to will you that money. Right. And you have to pay it back?

Yeah. And Canada law was like, yeah, he has a claim to it. So to all of it. And yeah, um, it was, uh, 80%, but I had to pay all these lawyer fees too. So we were like really in good shape. That's wild.

Yeah, yeah, so that really set us back. Yeah, yeah. Kind of threw my husband in a whirlwind of, you know, frantic. How much money was it? It was altogether $120,000. I'm sorry that happened. Yeah. What a mess. I know. Well, and I say this guy's a horrible guy, to be honest with you. It sounds like your mom set you guys up to fail. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, we should have been more proactive and revisited the will after she married this person, right? But we thought that because she made it out solely me, it's like, okay, it's ironclad, stamp on it, everything's good. So, you know, it was ignorance on our part, really. All right, so I won't cast judgment on him or anybody. We'll just say this is just one of those situations that just stinks. It is what it is what it is.

Right. So what do y'all do for a living? Well, I'm an over-the-road driver, and so is my husband, so we don't see each other all week. Okay. So we drive. Is this a life you like living?

You know, I used to love it. I'm starting to kind of feel maybe not as happy about it. And maybe that is part of the part that's doing this whole thing with this woman, the ex. She has that great life and I'm sitting here. Let me just say, she doesn't. Right. She's got some cool things that she gets to do because she's got resources. Maybe she remarried well or she's got family money or whatever.

Yeah. Yeah. But I promise you she's got problems too. She gets hemorrhoids too. She gets real bad gas too. Right. Right. I mean, like, so like she, she's got her life also. Yes. I want you to consider. How old are you? I'm 58. 58. Yeah. Okay. You're getting to the end of the third quarter. Right. Of your life. Right. Maybe you're midway through the third quarter. We'll be generous.

I want you and your husband to sit down and ask yourselves for the last quarter and a half of our life. Right. What do we want this thing to look like? And let's be really honest about it. And by the way, I live in Nashville, Tennessee, where tons of people come here to be songwriters and drummers and guitarists and bass players, and they're amazing. And then life changes.

And there's always a challenge because they say like, I used to really love this life. I just don't love it anymore. And they almost feeling great, ungrateful because it finally happens, right? They finally make it quote unquote. And then they have the third kid and they're like, I really just want to be with my kids. I don't want to go on the road. Right. And it feels this is tension. Can I just tell you, you got permission to do whatever it is you want to do. Yeah. And you're allowed to exhale and say, Hey, I've only got so many more summers to go to the beach. That's going to be part of our life now.

But that means it's not, you can't YOLO, right? You can't just be a goofball about it. That means you got math. And so maybe we're going to sell our house and move to a smaller house. Because I'd rather go to the beach and live a fun, exciting, like have a little bit more life in my skin than work as a slave to a mortgage company. Right, exactly. Maybe this one terrible debt, let's just work like crazy. Hey, husband, we're going to go work.

nut for one calendar year and get this thing paid off. We're going to work every single day, every weekend. We're going to take extra jobs. We're going to work on the side. We're going to like take extra load. We're going to just work bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Right. And then for my 59th birthday, I want to not owe this debt anymore.

Right. Yeah, I know. And that's a great plan. And I said to my husband, let's just downsize. You know, we don't need this big house. I know we have four kids between the two of us. But they're grown, right? They're adults. Yeah, they're adults. They come over for, you know, a weekend. Yeah. But we don't need all that room. Like, we can make do with something smaller. How much equity do you have in your house?

Uh, you mean like if, if we sold it? If you sold it, how much, what kind of, how big of a check would they write you? Probably about 500,000. My gosh. Yeah. Can we just exhale for a second? If you sold that and bought a condo for 350 grand. Right. For 400 grand, 300, let's say 350 grand after fees. Yeah. That's not going to be a super nice condo in Ontario. I know that.

But it will be yours. No one can take it. And then you write a check to this guy and he's off your back forever. Yeah. And then y'all look at each other and say, what do we want to do now? Because we can do anything. Right. Exactly. And I would, you know, jump on that, John. I would. Okay. Here's where most people go sideways. They go to their significant other. They go to their romantic partner and they start piecemealing it together. Right.

issue by issue. I want to sell the house. I want to downsize. I want a different car. I want to stop driving this car. I want to sell this car. I want to get this loan paid off. And here it sounds like somebody's nagging them to death. Right. That's different than, hey, we have a quarter and a half of our life left.

I want to go wheels off. And here's what's going to have to happen for that to take place. And if you look at your husband and say, I want to have peace in this home so I can love you recklessly and insane until I die. Right. I got to get out of this truck. I don't need to be driving on these icy roads at 59 years old. Right. I don't need to be changing a tire in the middle of winter at 59 years old.

Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. So, husband, let's sell this house. Let's buy a condo. Not even a super nice one, just one that's going to be great. The kids will be fine. Yeah. Let's pay this guy off. Let's owe nobody anything. And then we can decide what kind of job we want to have. Right. I love that. Now you're solving for freedom. And then you know what? Who cares about this fictional character? Right. Exactly. All right. I want to build in a couple of other boundaries for you, okay? Okay.

- Yeah. - Right after you get off this call. Okay, you've been with me for a long time. You've been with me since the very beginning, right? - Yes, 100%. - All right, say I promise I'm gonna do what you ask. - I promise I'm gonna do what you ask. - Just for 30 days. - Okay, 30 days. - As soon as we get off this, I want you to block her on Facebook, I want you to block her on social media. - Okay. - So you can't see her. - Okay, I can do that. - You can't go. - Yeah. - And I want you to tell your husband, "Hey, I've blocked her from everything.

I'm not going to go look at what she's doing. I'm not going to see what she's doing. I'm not going to Google her or anything. If she reaches out to you for a family issue, unless something's happening to our kids and I need to know, I don't want to know about it. I don't need to know. Right. Okay. What I'm choosing to do, I'm not choosing to not be jealous of her. I'm choosing to be fully alive in my own body, in my own marriage, in my own house. Yes. And I'm going to stop outsourcing that to Marvel character that I've created.

Yeah. It just happens to look a lot like your ex-wife. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I love that. Okay. Yeah. And keep your promise to yourself for 30 days. I could care less what she's doing. I'm going to spend that energy building the life that I want to live. Yes. So maybe you're going through and looking at condos. Mm-hmm. Yeah. You're going through and interviewing real estate agents.

You and your husband are trying to figure out how I know Canada takes 95% of your paycheck for taxes, but what kind of job could we do that's not driving that I could get into right now? What does that world look like? Let's begin spending our energy on living. We're not going to outsource it to some fictional fantasy character that we've created.

We're going to start living our life. And there's some reality to us. We've got to pay these debts off. We're going to sell the house. It's been fun. It's been great where we raised our kids. And now we're going to go to something that we can manage for the last 25 or 30 or 40 years of our life. We can manage because we want to spend more time on the road seeing our grandkids. We want to take all that driving experience and drive all the way to Gulf Shores in Alabama and go to the beach.

Just a good old-fashioned American beach. We're going to go all the way down. Or you can go to Lake Michigan, right? Or whatever. But we're going to start living the life that we want to live. Thank you so much for the call, Romy. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Okay, let me tell you about Cozy Earth and their amazing buy one, get one free offer that they created just for you. But first, let's talk about your mom. I know, I know. We're not supposed to talk about each other's moms. But when you think of mom, what comes to mind? Patience, respect.

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All right, we are back. Kelly, cool shirt with lipstick kisses all over it. Yes, thank you. A little provocative. Unlike me. Well, I mean, that's what all your tattoos are, except they're in, like, sequence, purple sequence, but whatever. It's cool. Anyway, hey, there's something over your shoulder, though, that keeps catching my eye. What is that new shiny thing? Yeah, dude, the tubes, man. They sent us our gold million subscriber plaque. Look, look, look.

Now I can stare down my 14-year-old and be like, yeah, that's right. I am a YouTuber. Your old man's a YouTuber. All my dreams have come true, Kelly. This and somebody stopped me in the airport and said they saw me on TikTok. And I was like, all my dreams are coming true at the same time. But you know what we really need to do? What we need to do is we need to thank all million of those people. Dude. Because they're amazing. All of them. All of you.

Because without you guys, I am that weird guy outside the airport just yelling, hey, you should fix your marriage. Hey, that's not really what ADHD is. And then they would pick me up and they'd put me in a van and make me talk to somebody. And instead, we're on the internet. We might ought to do that anyway. Just take my eye. Probably. But now I'm on the internet and we get paid for it. But, dude, like that last caller.

One of the original OG17s, man. Some of you guys have been with us for several years now, just continuing to ride it out. I cannot tell you how grateful I am. Those of you who share the show, those of you who still write me, I get a stack of mail every two weeks that comes through the building here, just handwritten letters, man. Those that come to the live events, come to everybody who took a second to just hit the subscribe button. It's a great way to get to know us.

It means the absolute world to me. And there is a small but growing group of people who are just deciding we're going to live differently. I'm just going to parent differently. I'm going to be married differently. I am going to reject the nonsense out there in the culture that says this is how you have to do it. Hey, Kelly, I went to pick up something the other day from a guy's house and

his wife came in with their little one and she was like, I don't want to be weird, but I love your show. And I was like, man, it means the world to me. Thank you so much. And she goes, yeah, you told me I was emotionally immature for yelling at my toddler and the toddler was there. And I was like, oh,

I was like, oh, this is how I die, right? Just like this. But she was actually really awesome. But it was like, I had never considered like when I'm mad, like, oh yeah, this kid's too, like it was awesome. And the fact that she took a second just to say thank you just means the world to me. But it's those little tiny things that people are slowly doing. And that I'm getting to remind myself by saying it all the time. Like, dude, I need to be a better dad and a better husband too. But it's everybody working together on this deal. And it's so, so amazing. So yes, thank you everybody. And everybody in the booth,

Everybody in the club getting tipsy. Thanks, everybody. And I think we celebrate this. We all go out. The great Kate over at my favorite tattoo shop on the planet. I think she gives us all a million tattoo. Amen. Just one mil. That would be dope. Old English right across your back, Kelly. You'd have to go over the eagle thing that you have.

And the Raiders logo, which I don't know about that story, but we'll have to hear that story one day. That is sacrilege. That's what I said when I saw it. Well, number one, you wearing a bathing suit to work was sacrilege. But then the Raiders tattoo in Old English was like, man, I did not see that coming. It's weird. Like the cowboy star right there, like right there below your neck that you cover up with makeup every morning. It's just weird. It's weird, but it's cool. That's far more likely than any Raiders tattoo. I don't know, dude. I don't know.

The boys in the hood are always hard, Kelly. Always. Hey, love you guys. Bye.