He’s Perfect, but He Doesn’t Turn Me On
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Except for his face. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Taking calls from real people going through real challenging times, man. Trying to figure out what's the next right move for their life. With their relationships, their mental and emotional health. Whatever you got going on in your world. Hey, if you're a regular, please take 10 seconds to subscribe. Hit the like button, the five-star review thing. Whatever you have to do to tell your little digital device that you're in our gang. It makes such a humongous difference. Big time, big time. We have some...

It's extraordinary shows coming your way this year. And I'm, I'm, I'm so excited about the burst on some of them, but, uh, we'll just have to let them be secrets. Um, if you want to be on the show, if you got something you want to sit with me to sit with you and we'll figure it out. 1-844-693-3291. Do you even have to dial one anymore? Is that a thing?

I think so. Yeah. If you dial outside of your area code, you still have to do that. Do you? Yeah. Okay. I thought they're going to put people on the moon. They already figured that out. No, I think you still do. All right. So 844-693-3291. I don't know. Put a one in front if you have to. I don't even know if you do anymore. Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. All right. Let's go out to Knoxville, K-Knoxville, Tennessee, and talk to Hannah. What's up, Hannah? Hi. How's it going?

I'm doing well. How are you? Awesome. What's up? All right. Well, I'm just kind of wanting to get your input on something. And I guess, as you say, ask you what the next right move is. All right. So can, in a relationship that's based on similar values, you know, good, healthy relationship, but there is no physical attraction coming from one party. Is that something that can grow over time?

Oh, man. Why are you trying to get me canceled? We've had a good run so far, Hannah. So kind of what's going on is there's a guy.

And we did actually meet on an online dating app. Oh, yeah. Swipe right. And at my age, I am 43. You said at my age, like you're like as old as Kelly. You're not that old. You're 43. You're like at my age. What was the app? Please say it was Tinder. Please say it was Tinder.

It wasn't Tinder, unfortunately. Yeah, not my speed. All right, so 43, did you see him and you swiped right?

Yep. So we had a really good bio and it was funny and intelligent. I was like, huh, okay. And so we started talking. We matched, we started talking over about the course of a week and we should really get together for coffee and just kind of go from there. And

This on paper, this guy is wonderful. He is successful in his career. He has some passions, you know, that he kind of pursues. He's funny. He's compassionate. All this whole checklist that I have, right? Except for his face. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I would be a little nicer than that. I know. I'm just being ridiculous. And by the way, if this was flipped, I couldn't do this because it would be like the internet people would be murdery. But okay. So tell me about it. Yeah, I'm being ridiculous, but go ahead. Oh, you're good. So we started dating and as things progressed, I kind of realized that

I'm just not feeling that chemistry. I'm not feeling that connection. And I so much told him that, hey, I'm struggling a little bit. This is the first time that I've really tried to date since my divorce, which was almost six years ago. Dang, dude, you shut on the sidelines, Hannah.

I needed to do some healing for sure. Good for you. And feel like, all right, I'm ready to get back out there. And so maybe I'm just intimidated. Maybe that has something to do with it. And I just kind of told him, hey, this is how I'm feeling. And I don't mean to be offensive, but this is just kind of where I'm at. And so he came back with, I want to stay friends. I really care about you. I like you. I think it could change.

And I'm just not really sure what to do with that. I don't want to lead him on and I enjoy still having him as a friend. But past that, I just, I don't know what to do. Okay. So I'm going to free you from everything. Okay. Okay. Just because somebody has a good resume doesn't mean you have to hire them. Okay. And just because you made some artificial checklist that,

that he matched nine out of 10. Let me tell you something crazy. When I was 18 years old, and by the way, it's not apples for apples because you're experienced and you've been through pain and you've been down the aisle before. You've done all that, so it's not quite apples to apples, but when I was 18, I made a list because some goofball told me like, the world's going to take everything. You better make a list of what your non-negotiables are. I made a list of my future spouse

like 10 things. My wife had two of 10. My wife of 23 years had two of them. And one of them was be a beautiful woman. That was the, like there was one trait that she had that I thought I had to have on this magical list. Now, like I said, your list will be different than mine because you've been there. But yes, attraction is a huge part of it. And yes, attraction grows over time. I don't know if attraction grows over time, but its importance in life,

It's importance like fades in my experience, not my personal experience, but just in talking to people. But yes, I think the quote unquote looking right, like or not handsome. Is he overweight a little bit? Is that the problem?

Well, it's, excuse me, a little, which he's actually, that was one of the things that we kind of bonded over. He's towards the beginning of his fitness journey, which I've been on for the last few years. And I've lost a significant amount of weight and we've actually talked about, I'm like, oh, it took me almost four years to get to where I wanted to be. And this is what I did. And so I don't think this has anything to do with attraction, Hannah. I really don't.

Okay. I think the vibe's just not there and that's okay. Can I go one layer deeper? Of course. That's, that's heartbreaking, isn't it? It really is. You waited so long. You're so careful. You found someone that you like talking to. You, you've bought into the lie that nobody out there has my values. All guys want is 27 year old women who like, and by the way, all that is, is nonsense.

It's just algorithmic nonsense. Okay. But you put yourself out there and then you met somebody who's kind of cool, but just not your guy. And I bet you've spent hours agonizing over what is it, the thing that he's missing that doesn't make him the guy. Yes.

And I can't put my finger on it. And I have one semi-unique circumstance. I do have a special needs child. And that's, you know, something that has just been really hard with kind of getting back out there. I like to be very upfront with potential people. Hey, if this turns into a thing, I have a child that here's the situation. And a lot of people go running. Hannah. Yeah. You don't have to lead with...

That's not that having a special needs child makes you freaking amazing. It's not a liability. Well, thank you. It doesn't feel that way sometimes. I know because some people aren't, it's not about it being a liability. It's the same as in their world. Like when they say, hey, here's what I'm looking for for the next 10, 15, 20, 30 years of my life. Caretaking isn't on that list.

Now, if somebody says, I think special needs kids are, and they have this whole list of evil things, then I would like to take you to some of my friends who still are professional MMA fighters. And I'd like you to spend a couple of afternoons with that, right? That's one thing. But if somebody says, hey, I think you're amazing. My mother is 82 and she's going to be moving in with us. And that's not what somebody wants for the next 30 years of their life. I'm not going to begrudge them that.

And Hollywood said, love will find a way and I'll get on a boat and I'll just meet you and we'll hook up in the back of a car and I'll die for you. That's just not reality. But here's what is reality. Here's what is reality. A bunch of people getting back out there and settling and then resenting the person they're with because they didn't have the courage to say this isn't really the life that I want to sign up for.

And so I would tell you, that's what I don't want to have. Yeah. So I think you're amazing. Yes. I think you're amazing. So he did a good move. He's a good salesman. So it's like you test drove a car and he was like, and you're like, ah, I'm going to, this isn't really the one for me. And he's like, how about this? Just take it for the weekend. Take it home. Like he's good. Right. He's like, I just want to stay friends. I just want to stay friends. Um, and I think, um, like he's like old dumb and dumb. Like, so you're telling me there's a chance, right? That's fine. Cool. Um,

But as long as you keep your integrity about you and you don't hide the fact that you're going out again and maybe you get to a point where you're like, hey, if you want to be my friend, I'm going to talk to you about people I'm dating. Right. And if he's like, oh, he opts out of that, then he can opt out of that. But I think this may have been the most perfect situation for you to get back out there. A really wonderful guy, a kind guy. You got to kind of...

I almost said something that if I was listening to my own show, it'd been like, whoa, that's not what I meant. Um, uh, you got to, you got to go out and hopefully hold hands with somebody and hopefully kiss somebody and hopefully like feel you haven't felt somebody else in six years. Right.

And so hopefully you got to go do that and exhale. And so now kind of the stars and the sparkliness has kind of wore off and you are remembering, oh, there's a reality to this. There's a day in, there's a day out. There's a picking up somebody's underwear. There's a fight about the this and you got the extra complexity. I've got a child that needs some extra caretaking. And so cool. It's just not going to be this one. And so it sounds amazing. At least you didn't go back out and

fall head over heels for some smoke show and find out he's a serial cheater or you didn't go out and find another jerk. Right. Um, and so, yeah, I mean, that's always the concern, but here we are, but here, but here we are. I, I, I think everybody who's dating needs permission to say you're awesome. And this just isn't for me. Okay. And that's okay. You don't need to apologize for that. Thank you. Is that fair?

Yeah, that is absolutely fair. And also, I challenge everybody to be open to completely falling head over heels for somebody that doesn't fit your picture of what you think beauty is or what you think masculine attraction is.

And I just tell you that one of the funniest moments of my adult life was being 19 years old. My wife's brother introducing us. He was a friend of mine. And he's very, very awesome. He's very pragmatic. And he said, you're probably going to marry my sister. We can't be friends anymore, but y'all should date. And she had jeans pulled up way too high, a brown braided belt. Either I had really long hair or

Or I'd shaved my head completely off or maybe I even had a Mohawk at the time. I probably hadn't bathed in two weeks and we both looked at each other and we're like, yeah, no, no. And I think she's stunning after a quarter century together. I think she's stunning.

And she tells everybody that she bought really low and I'm a stock that finally matured, right? So like she just bought low and the stock rose in value. So all I have to say is I also want people to be open too because I know it's easy in the swipe right world. Just keep swiping, swiping, swiping. Dude, if somebody, I love what you did. They meet all these criteria. I'm going to go hang out. And I think that just adds to the fun. Can I challenge you to enter into this new season of,

With your hands not clenched tight? Yes. You've done a ton of work. You lost a lot of weight. You did a lot of healing. You know what I want you to have? Have some freaking fun. You're a special needs mom. You have no fun in your life. Have fun. Have fun. Does that make sense? It does. And I appreciate that very much. Go have a good time. Go have a good time. Hold hands. Kiss boys. Like, fun. Fun. We don't have enough. The world's on fire. Literally. Literally.

let's find joy where we can. Let's find fun where we can. And I know I'm overstating it and I don't even know what I would do if something happened to my wife. I can't even wrap my head around that psychologically. But yeah, I'm kind of glad this is the guy you got your first rodeo back on the circuit. Sounds like he was a pretty cool guy, treated you well, and there was not a spark there. It's all great. It's cool. Swipe right. Thanks for the call, Hannah. You're awesome. Go get them.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, I talk about this all the time, but here's the deal. I was born and raised in Texas, and I love the myth of the Lone Ranger, Lone Cowboy, the guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves all their problems by himself or herself. It's a fun, great story, and it's a lie. In a society that's obsessed with your diet and your workout routine and your mental health and your job and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone.

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This month, start to build your support system with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Kelly was just singing, to the window, to the wall. Is that your favorite song? That was you singing it, not me. I don't think that's true. All right, let's go out to Philadelphia and talk to Jimmy. What's up, Jimmy?

Hi, John. How are you doing today? I'm doing great, brother. What's up, man?

So my question is, I'm trying to figure out how to navigate a job that I really hate while trying to find other opportunities and support my family. Tell me about it, man. So to give you a little backstory on that, towards the end of last year, I had a job I really loved. I was doing work that I enjoyed in engineering. And the company had a downturn. A lot of people were laid off. And then also, I was envisioning that soon...

most of the company was laid off and I was always at the point where I would be laid off soon or expecting to be laid off any day now. So going to work, I was expecting to be out. So I was scrambling, trying to find a job, interviewing with places. I never really got an offer until this one company that I knew. Kind of after the interview, I really wasn't thrilled with. The commute wasn't very good. And so without anything else, I ended up having to take that job. And once I got here, I just, I've

I've realized I have no passion to do the job. I don't want to really be there. I'm not really liking any of the people I work with. And it's just, and the commute sucks. And it's just, I, at this point, it's kind of dragging my life down to the point where I, I mean, I'm not wanting to do things and stuff. And it's just really like, I would want to quit the job, but obviously you're always told never to quit a job unless you got another one lined up. So that's where I'm at. Yeah.

The way you made me smile, the way you said it, you were like, and then this and then this. And I just thought like, my pet's heads are falling off. Like it was like all the commute and the people and everything. Can I just take a second just to shout you out? Yeah. Jimmy from Philadelphia, just like fist in my chest. I'm proud to be talking to you. There's millions of men who just go home.

And they sit on their couch and they play video games. And I take their calls of their exhausted, frustrated wives. And there's also millions of men out there working jobs that they hate because they have integrity. And they're putting food on the table and they're taking care of their kids and they're taking care of their families. And you're one of those men. And I just want to shout you out. Yeah, I mean, that's the way I feel often. Or at least right now, that's all I'm doing is just trying to take care of my family. How old are your kids, man?

I've got a daughter who's 11 and a son who's 8. How long have y'all been where you are?

So we just recently moved to a new house a couple years, about three years back. So we're in a new place. We kind of took on a bigger mortgage and stuff like that. So it's a lot of kind of weight carrying on my shoulders to make sure that we can stay there. And my kids are able to grow up in a nice area. So...

Home safety is important, right? Neighborhood safety is important. So I don't want to undermine that. But besides basic safety and besides like a good community, one of the greatest gifts dads can give their kids is stability. Or the other way I would say that is not stability and we never move and not stability as in they don't ever know that there's challenges, but stability as in.

There's not an inferno raging inside my chest at all times. My daughter was making fun of me last night. She was like, why are you so stern when you get home? And I'm like, I'm not stern. She goes, you're a fake. And she rattled off and my wife started dying laughing. She's like, she's totally right. And I was like, really? And she's like, yes. And bro, I'm running a scam here. I'm a YouTuber for God's sakes, man. So I have no reason to be stern when I get home. So I guess...

I guess there's two things here. Number one, you know this, I know this. I just want to say it. This is just a season, man. It's winter and it's cold. I promise you spring's coming. You're a good man. It's hard to look at it that way. I find myself negatively thinking about this. I've really screwed up my life this one. I keep thinking I'm going to be stuck here. So you know that, but I'll reiterate, it's not true. You're one of the good ones.

Okay. And for all of human history, men went off to war and they didn't go for seven-month deployments. They just went for years until the war was over or until they were dead. And so for some reason, we've got this weird illness in our culture called passion disease where it's like, it's not my passion. Like, I don't care, man. Like, at some point, we have to take care of our families. And that's just the season you find yourself in.

So you have two choices, not two choices, two things that I think can really help here. Three things, three things. Number one, keep applying. Yeah, okay. I'm really doing that every now and then. But I want you to bound it. Here's what I mean. If you're like me, and I've had a couple of jobs where I got to a point where I had to go. I knew I couldn't be there anymore.

I applied for jobs in the morning. I was looking at the, at the trades to try to find new places to go during lunchtime at nighttime. When my kids were watching TV, I was sitting next to them scrolling. My wife would go to bed. I'd be up all night and I would make myself insane. Yeah. I feel you there. Cause I'm similar. Okay. Think of that like a pornography addict who keeps going to the next scene or think of that as somebody who's always looking for another hit.

You're not actually looking for a job at that point. You are, you've activated a fight or flight response and your body's saying we have to do something right now. Yeah. Here's how you bind it. Here's how you, you, you, you put a boundary on it. You say, I'm going to apply for five jobs a week, period. Okay. And I'm not going to scroll through them like pornography. I'm going to find five jobs and I'm, or, and I may not apply for five. I may apply for three, but I'm going to have two cups of coffee. So I'm going to count that as my five or 10 or whatever your number is. Okay.

And when that's over, your discipline is I'm going to close this laptop until the next Monday. Okay. Okay? Here's the second thing. And this is going to sound so woo-woo and cheesy, but I want you just to go with me on it, okay? You're from the Northeast. I'm from Texas. You and I both don't have any room for woo-woo, but I want you to do this for me, okay? I want you to take a note card, like go to Walmart or Walgreens or 99 cents for like 150 of them or something. I want you to get a note card.

And when you get to work and when you leave work for 30 days, one month from today, I want you to have written down three things that you've never noticed before. Never noticed before? Yep. Not even a gratitude list. Just three things you've never noticed before. I've not noticed how many curly phone cords we have in this place. I have not noticed how stained up the carpet is. I've noticed how good it smells in here.

And here's what I'm, here's what that does. Like, so, and I'm going to give you like a really horrific analogy, but I'll bring it back. Whenever I would show up to a house and somebody had just walked inside and a loved one had passed away, or they had just experienced a shooting and there's like a real tragic, wild situation where their bodies are spinning out like mad. I would literally hold their hand and it got grown men, anybody hold their hand and we'd walk down the street and we would count cracks in the sidewalk.

or we would count leaves on the curb. And all I was trying to do was get somebody from this state of, I won't go through the parasympathetic, but get somebody from their body is taken over for them because they're dying. There's a threat to, no, I'm here now. I'm okay. I'm all right. Okay. And what that does is it takes you from, I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. And then you become somebody that you're not. Oh, yeah. Instead of,

Look how nasty that carpet is. And then you just kind of chuckle and go on about your job. Okay. Just observance of things I haven't noticed. Okay. I just want you to write down those. And what it will do is it will increasingly make you more present, more mindful of the world that you exist in. And it's easier to exhale when you're on your own feet. Okay. Okay. Here's the third thing. I want you and your wife to sit down and be honest about, we just moved to this new house and it was cool.

One of the hardest conversations I've ever had with my wife, and I've had some doozies, was when I said, after living in a home for maybe six months, I said, we've made a terrible mistake. We got to sell this house. And my wife sobbed. I was wrong. I should never have bought the house. I did. And it was a whole thing. And within five more months, we had put on the market and we sold it.

And looking back, that was the spark that changed our entire financial lives. It changed my mental and emotional life. It changed everything for us. But that was one of the hardest conversations of we thought this was the next right step for successful people, and we bought into a lie. We got to sell this house. Okay. Okay? And so I want you all to sit down and create. Okay, forget the job. Forget the home we just bought. Forget the imaginary quote-unquote good neighborhoods that you always told yourself you were going to give your kids because you didn't have that growing. All that. Forget all that.

Where do we want to live? What do we want to do? What do we want this house to feel like when I get home? And let's start working towards that because my fear is you're going to get a new job and it's still not going to be the job that it would be the two jobs ago that you had that was a good job that then went under. And so you haven't grieved that one yet. And then you're going to be on to the next one. And then what you're going to find is every job you get, you go with you.

Yeah, that's my fear is that just that this is going to be the next one. Same thing over and over again. That's right. So find the life that you and your wife want to create. And maybe she's dying to tell you, yeah, dude, this is way too much mortgage. Like it was cool. It's cool. We did it. But let's sell this house while the market's still, let's sell this house and it's still on market and let's move to a smaller place or let's move to Kansas or let's, we've always wanted to go to Arizona. Let's just go to Arizona. Like whatever it is y'all want to do,

Begin to have that conversation and then the job will be in service to that life, not just the next thing. Because I want you to go to something, not from something. Okay. That makes sense. And by the way, if this job is killing you, if there's unethical practices, if they're being abusive, bro, walk out the door.

Okay. It's not that bad yet, but it's not good, I would say. Yeah. But if it's just annoying and your coworkers are TPS report people, literally on my show team, one of the guys is the president of the chess club where we work. That's the truth. Another guy is one of the leaders in the Dungeons and Dragons club. That's 100% true. And the producer of my show is 107 years old.

Literally. Like, you don't always get to pick the people you work with. People I work with, they're amazing. They're awesome. But, like, if it's just annoying, then there comes a moment when you're like, yeah, whatever, dude. I'm not going to give you all hate. Just suck it up and do it. It's not even about that. It's not suck it up and hold it. Right? So even the idea of like, I'm just going to suck this up. No, I'm not going to give you all that. Like, Michael Singer calls it detachment. Jocko calls it good.

Like either what, whether you're a Navy SEAL or you're like an existentialist, like you're a, you're a, like a mindfulness practitioner. The practice is I'm not going to give you all my hate. Y'all aren't worth that. Okay. If you hurt my kid, I'll give you my hate. Right. But if you're just an annoying place to work, but y'all are putting food on my table, I'm going to show up here. And what I will give you is my, my excellence and my dignity. Cause you don't get my character either.

Like the whole quiet quitting thing was not a middle finger to the bosses. It was a middle finger to the mirror. It was a bunch of people who cashed out their integrity. Okay. Right? And so I'm just like, I'm going to give you all that. And the commute's awful. Commute sucks. All right, cool. I'm going to listen to more books on marriage or more books on architecture. I'm going to become a book listening guy.

Okay. Right. Or I'm going to call five of my old college roommates at one, one every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. And I'm just going to talk on the way. Like you get to pick, but if you can find play and find goofy and find absurdity in annoying moments, you win life. Okay. Does that make sense? Yep. Yeah, it does. I know this is kind of a beating dude. Cause it's kind of like, dude, my job's just awful. I get that, man. I don't want to like, I don't want to paint it to a picture that it's not. Um,

But what the research says over and over and over again is those that find joy and happiness from the inside out, not the outside in, they win, man. They win. They just win. And that's what I want for you.

Most of the people who go from job I hate to job I hate to job I hate really are running for themselves. That's not you, obviously, but man, I just want to applaud you again. You saw that your current job was a sinking ship. You jumped off the lifeboat. You got into the next safe boat. Man, I don't like this boat. It doesn't smell good in here. People are mean on this boat, but this boat is putting food on my family's table, and maybe this is a good moment for us to rethink how we're doing everything.

But all of these things put you back in the driver's seat of your life instead of you feeling like you're being drug around by a job you hate. Get back in the driver's seat, brother. Appreciate the call, Jimmy. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about train well. Listen, there's no such thing as mental health separate from physical health, separate from emotional health. There's just health. It all works together and everything's connected. It's almost impossible to be whole in one area and struggling in another.

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$69 a month when you lock in your plan. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell, T-R-A-I-N, trainwell.net slash Deloney right now. That's trainwell.net slash Deloney. We are back. Let's go out to Norfolk, Virginia and talk to Anna. Not Hannah or Banana. What's another one? Manna? Fanta? Santa? Let's go out to Anna. What's up, Anna?

Hi, John. Thank you so much for talking to me. I feel like I've heard all those nicknames and more. Oh, dude. My last name rhymes with the processed lunch meat. I'm with you, sister. I'm with you. It's a rough childhood. What's up? Um,

Okay, so my question is, how can my husband and I rebuild trust around my phone use while I balance maintaining autonomy with our concerns about addiction? Or another way to say it is, at what point does phone addiction need to be treated as a serious addiction? That was a lot of...

If you were not calling about, if you weren't calling about phone usage, I would say, man, you are somebody who scrolls a lot. You've got all the right word salad-y things. What's like, get, get me through. Well, I've been overthinking this for a long time. I can tell. I listen to you and. I can tell. You're a great overthinker and overthinkers love overscrolling. All right. So get me beneath it. What's happening in your house? What, what, what, what happened that you decided to call?

This is the main issue that my husband and I really struggle to communicate on. Everything else, finances, parenting. I mean, we disagree sometimes, but we can talk through it. And neither of us like to argue. We just talk with each other really well about everything else. But this is the thing that we really struggle with and we keep coming back to it. And yeah, I don't know. I just...

We kind of came back to it and I was just like, oh, let me just see what John's advice could be. What is it that you're coming back to? Your husband keeps saying, hey, you're on the phone all the time. Okay, so the low point as an adult with coping and escaping was a few years ago. So we have three kids. When my oldest was a baby, I was a stay-at-home mom. We also lived overseas. And so I was very isolated and I...

So I was seeing that my screen time averaged each day seven to nine hours a day. And I just realized that's basically a full-time job. My full-time job is supposed to be loving and serving and taking care of my baby. And I love him so much. And I'm not doing that as my full-time job well if I'm on my phone. So it was very humbling and very sobering. And I went to my husband and

asked him to help me with that and put restrictions on my phone. And so we set my phone up as you have to set it up as if you're a child so that the restriction is not just a reminder that pops up on the screen. It actually shuts the app out and we put restrictions on everything. And then since then,

That was about five and a half years ago. Since then, we have just made it more and more strict to the point where I feel like, okay, I understand we need to restrict this some because I consistently do not control myself with it. But also, I'm an adult and it is still a tool for certain things. And I'm just struggling to...

Use it? I don't. Okay, let's. Use it in helpful ways? Let's flip this whole thing around, okay? Okay. Seven to nine hours on the phone overseas by yourself. That phone was an amazing gift from the technocratic gods. Why was it a gift?

Well, it felt like connection with everyone back home, but also I did have friends there and it's false connection. It's really not. Hold on. Hold on. You're just like, you're, you're just repeating Jonathan Haidt clips. Why was that phone a gift to you? I was so lonely. There you go. It kept you from running on into the ocean and not coming back. Right. Yeah.

Yes, but also I was always lonely until very recently. I have wonderful friends now in the past year or two. Now I have so many amazing people in my life all the time, consistently week to week. But up until the last year or two, I had no one. So let's just call it what it is. The phone saved your life. Stop going to war with it. Okay. Because here's what you did.

You had two broken ankles and a blown out ACL. And you went to your husband and you said, I'm using these crutches way too much. And instead of going to see a physician, see a surgeon to get your ankles fixed and your knee fixed, you just had your husband lock up your crutches. The phone was never the problem. It becomes the problem because those bastards are so good at their addictive nature to them. But that's not the problem. The problem was...

I'm so desperately lonely. I can't breathe. And I'm stuck in this house with this child that everyone says you're supposed to love. You're supposed to be so grateful for. And no human is ever supposed to be locked in the house with a screaming child alone. That has never happened in human history until like a few years ago. It's madness. Yeah. And so the phone worked. I hear what you're saying. So now I have connection with friends. And it's not nearly as addictive as it used to be. Now it's a habit. But still. Now it's a habit.

It's an automation. So how can I practice? Hold on. Can we go beneath that for a second? Yeah. I think you're surrounded by people, but I think you're still dreadfully lonely. And I think you've told yourself, I'm not lonely because look at all these people. I don't know. I have, I can really be my true self with several people, which is a huge gift. I didn't used to have that. Do you think you're worth it? Do you think their life is better because they get to be friends with you?

You know, lately I've had a lot of feedback from... I'm so sorry. Don't be sorry. Take a breath. You're good. I have had a lot of feedback from my friends about just the encouragement that I've been to them and...

they really enjoy being around me and I'm doing some very part-time, like helping a friend out with something work-ish related and

She's just so positive about how I'm doing with that. And she's just so appreciative and so kind. And I'm really not used to that. There you go. I'm trying to. Don't stop. You keep shooting and trying and I have to. Just be for a second. You've never had somebody tell you, God, I'm so glad that you're my life. And so give yourself a moment. You get to practice sitting in that seat. You've never been in that seat.

And it's kind of like when I stare at my nine-year-old and I'm like, hey, look at me. And she goes, she looks at me and I said, you are the most beautiful woman, the beautiful girl I've ever seen. And she goes, dad. But look, she has to look away because the laser of how much I love her, it burns too bright for her right now. And that's okay.

And so the ray of light that is true friendship, somebody that truly sees you and says, God Almighty, dude, I need to tell you this. My day is better because you're my life. It burns because you haven't been out in the sun in a long time. So just give yourself some grace while you practice what it feels like to be seen and loved anyway. Yeah. How much? Are you on your phone 79 hours? What are you at now? Two hours a day? Yeah.

It varies. I have been on it more recently. It's more like maybe three, three and a half hours every day. Okay. So you have a 60% reduction. If you were trying to lose a hundred pounds and you lost 60 of those, would people be cheering you on? Yes. Okay. They'd be screaming and yelling. Yay.

I don't know how to communicate with my husband about it because we're trying to parents together. This affects my parenting. We're trying to live life together and this affects my ability to function and think clearly and all that. Right. No, no, no, no. Stop. Stop. Listen, I'm not getting that feedback from him. It's not enough. It is not good enough because I am not at the ideal. That's the right there.

You just said it. I know. I know. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You have put him and maybe he asked this of you, but he is not your husband. He's your dad. Yes. And I don't know how y'all got in that role, but he's your father. And I don't know what your home life was growing up, but I can almost guarantee you that you were never enough for him either.

No. No, my mom. I was never enough. There you go. And dad didn't show up and protect you and say, whoa, you're my daughter. You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life. I love you. You're awesome. That didn't happen. Yeah. That's happened recently with him. Okay. And so we're going to forgive him. We're going to let that stuff heal. But you're chasing a ghost with your husband. He's not your dad. Well, he says when I bring this up with him.

Before I said, I feel like I'm being treated like a child here. I'm an adult. I know he and he says, well, you've acted like a child. But then in later conversations, he says he doesn't want to be parenting me. But it's almost like I don't want to be. But you're making me. That's how it feels. I know he would disagree with what I'm saying. Gaslights burn brightly, Anna. Burn bright. Go ahead.

Once he and I both recognize that this is very addictive, then I feel that I've been labeled as an addict. So then it's like my perspective on this whole issue doesn't matter at all because I'm an addict. That's just bonkers language. Okay. Can you get addicted to phones? Yes. But it's not like cocaine. You just throw your phone away. Well, he'd love to if I did that. I know, but listen, let the phone be...

And I'd be having this conversation with someone who's drinking, who suddenly finds themselves in a really robust, amazing community, and they only have to drink when they go home. They only have to drink when they're around their parents. I would not, the drink isn't the problem there. The drink is the flashing light on the dashboard saying this part of your life is not safe, it's not okay. And you started this call telling me how wonderful everything is with your husband, except for this one thing I call bull crap on a stick.

It's not. It's not. You have to believe that for yourself because that's what keeps you safe. Fair or not fair or unfair. True or false? I hope you're wrong. It really does feel like it's true that we communicate and we agree on everything else. Do you agree on everything he wants you to agree on?

He has very strong opinions about a few things. He's a very easygoing person when he is. I don't know. I'm so sorry. Dude, I feel like your whole sweater is just unraveling and you're just holding a ball of yarn. You're like, no, no, it's a sweater. It's a sweater. All right, here's the hard truth. Here's the hard reality, the hard truth. You can't have a good marriage if you're married to your dad.

And you can't have a good marriage if you're married to someone that says, well, I won't want to be your dad, but you just keep acting like a child. So I got it. That's not, that's not a marriage. You're trapped. So what can I do? You can, you can, y'all have to have a, a, a level set, a change. You've got to be honest about why is my home the least safe place that I inhabit? Is it the way he talks to you? The way he demands of you? The way he says, no, this is what we believe.

Or if you say, hey, this food at the restaurant is not very good. I don't like this. And the waitress comes over and says everything's good. And he goes, we're fine. We're good. I don't know what it is. I think it's because home was always, I never felt like I had a home growing up. I don't know how to feel safe in my home. And maybe that's that. It's not him. Okay, perfect. I love that you said that because I want to like this guy, right? I really do.

And maybe, maybe, maybe that's the thing. Maybe he feels like you put him the first time you said, Hey, I'm an addict. I need you to put these restrictions on. He said, okay, I'm a lover. And I've listened that I need to listen to my wife and the best way I can love her is do whatever she asked me. I'm going to do this. And so he's just trying to, he's trying to do what you asked him to do.

He didn't want to be doing it. You don't want to be. Maybe that's the case. I don't think you're a I think walking around with a label that I'm an addict. It's not helping. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think it's intellectually honest. I think underneath it, I want you just to look at the places in your life where you find yourself reaching for your phone. And if you have the self-awareness, what you just said is really powerful.

To me, it's the little dotted light in the dark on the path that is where you need to walk. And that is sitting down with your husband saying, okay, I lived my whole life terrified to walk in my front door because of my dad and my mom. And I'm so sorry, but because of my nervous system, home is still a place I'm not comfortable. And I'm dedicating 2025 and 2026 to learning and practicing being comfortable in this house.

So every week, you and him are going to hold hands and do something really schmoozy like ask each other, how can I love you this week? What's the most loving thing I could do for you this week? What does safety feel like this week? And you are going to have to do the hard work of saying, this is what makes me feel seen. This is what makes me feel safe. And I'm almost going to promise you the phone usage will go away. It just will fade out. So to practice this, do I...

Take the restrictions off my phone and stop treating it like that? I think you, A, take all the restrictions off your phone. And people listening are like, what? Take them all off. Take them all off. You're a grown-up. You made humans. And then number two, make some really firm, put some hurdles in your way, as they say. James Clear says, make some friction. Okay. So when I walk in my house...

In fact, if you and your husband want to do something kind of cheesy, go to Home Depot and get some wood and y'all create like a really fancy box together and get a YouTube video and y'all make a birdhouse, but kind of convert it. And it'll be awful and janky. He's so good at woodworking. Of course he is because he's freaking awesome guy. Now I was talking bad about him. I think he's great. Make an amazing box that when you walk in the door, the phone goes in the box. Okay. I don't need to get all these rigamarous and all these special apps and time. No, I'm putting the box just goes in there.

And that way, the only time you get it is when you need it. When I have to make a call, we need to check, check on a map and then it goes back in the box. And you being present with yourself, every time you want to go check it, ask yourself, just stop for a second. You're looking for a millisecond between, I want to grab the phone and I'm going to grab the phone just a millisecond. And all you're going to ask is, all right, what's going on right now that I started to grab for that? What is it here that's making me feel unsafe?

Is it because there's dishes in the sink and I'm going to think that my, I think my husband's not going to like me because that's not true. That's dumb. Is it because the laundry's not done and because I've been wrangling these kids all day and I'm going to assume that my husband's going to think I'm gross and not a good wife. That's dumb. And you can challenge those thoughts without holding your phone. And so the second one is carrying something with you. Look, you can't see this. You can't see it unless you're watching this on YouTube. I literally on my desk have the thing that I carry with me at all times.

I've got a bunch of stickers on. I try to make it all tough and hard because I'm insecure. But like I have it right here. You can doll yours up however you want to, but it's like nine bucks. I got it at Walmart, but I just carry it. And when that little voice pops up like, oh, you suck at being a dad or I can't believe you. I just write it down. Get out of my head. It's not true. Does that make sense? And then like here's the other thing. Last night, I

Last night, my wife and I were having kind of an argument, disagreement, and I just got back in town from a quick trip up north to Michigan, and there's all this awesome...

candy up in up in Traverse City like with cherries and all like I bought a whole thing of like sour cherries and I looked at my wife and said I'm gonna eat my feelings for a few minutes and she rolled her eyes and laughed but I was mindful about I'm gonna go do something that's gonna make me feel not that great but it's gonna and she goes what are you really doing and I go these things make sadness go away we both died laughing and I had about half of what I normally would have had if I'd mindlessly ate them and then we went on about our right and

If I did the same, my husband would never laugh with me. He would say, that's a really childish decision. You can't be allowed to just make these unadult decisions. Okay, listen, part of your feeling safe in your own house is you look at your husband and say, I need you to stop calling me a kid because I'm not a kid. Even if I act like a kid? We all act like kids. That's the best part. That's the best part of being an adult. I can go to Taco Bell whenever I want to.

The best part of being an adult is when somebody's chair makes a fart noise in a meeting that I get to laugh really... It's the best. It's the best. Y'all have drawn this artificial boundary inside your own home between this is what grown-ups... Grown-ups take care of their responsibilities. Grown-ups pay their bills on time. Grown-ups don't owe other grown-ups money. Grown-ups don't wear jerseys with teenage names on the back of them and cheer for college. They don't do that, right? That's what grown-ups do. But, dude, when it comes to like...

like laughing and having joy and being silly and being intentional. But in your house, it's the labels and the name calling. And my guess is you got labeled as a troublemaker. You got labeled as that kind of girl by your mom. You've been called names your whole life and you're just used to it. And I think part of you feeling safe in your own house is saying, hey, stop calling me names. If you see me doing something, I don't want you labeling it. That's a childish behavior. I don't want to hear that. I want you to get beneath it and say, hey, he needs to say,

Not whenever you're acting like a child, get on your phone. Say, hey, I miss you. Me and the kids miss you. I feel like you're tuning us out. That's the adult way to answer that. Not just I'm taking your ball and I'm going home. That's a child acting on a child. But I have a feeling that you've brought these labels. I'm an addict. I'm this. I'm this. I'm a child. Help me. Help me. Help me. And I think your husband's probably done the best he can with what he's got.

And so let's reset this whole thing. Here's the things that make me feel not safe in my own house. And he gets permission to say his, right? Well, it makes me feel unsafe. Let's make a box together, make a commitment. When I'm in the house, the phone goes in the box. Phone doesn't come in our bedroom. When a child walks in the room, the phone goes down no matter what I'm doing. I always make eye contact with kids. And let's start with some of those basic things. Ask yourself, what is this phone trying to protect me from?

Don't just run around kicking out your crutches because they serve a role. Let's get to the root here. And I think you're onto something. I think the root is I want to feel safe in my own house. And you just got to give yourself some grace and learn how to do that because you've never felt safe in your own house. And by the way, in your house, not everybody's house, but in your house, the name calling's got to stop. The labeling's got to stop. We got to get to the root causes. Thanks for the call, Anna.

Thanks for the call. Thanks for the call. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life, the book I wrote. I think it's going to be a pretty great roadmap for you and your husband. In fact, I'm going to send you two copies. I want you to read them together and do kind of a little husband wife book study with it. I think it's going to help with the labeling challenges. I think it's going to help with all these actions moving forward. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

All right, all right. Let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes and think about your mattress, the one you have at home. Be honest. Is it lumpy and

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He says,

He then texted me saying that he felt like we should split the contents of the package. I said I would like all the stuff in the packet, but that I would still love to give him the extra ticket. He then called me a jerk and said I was being mean and selfish for wanting him to pick it up, but that I got to choose what I keep. Am I the problem for wanting to keep the contents of the package that I won? Every once in a while, Kelly, I think as a species, we're going to make it. I think we're going to turn the corner.

And then I remember there's guys like this in the world. Is this, this can't be real. I have no reason to believe it's not. I want to split with you. Oh my gosh. This, this segment is actually brought to you by Preparation H because I now have hemorrhoids after hearing that. They just happened just now. They just did. Like this. Enough of that. Just stop.

No, he is not the problem. No, he's not. I think he, is his friend in kindergarten? I don't think I'd take the friend anymore. No, I'm going to, yeah, I'm taking my ball and going home. I'm going to take it by going home. Yeah. This can't be real, but I don't think it's fair. Wait, shut up. First of all, he shouldn't have opened it. It wasn't his to open. Yes. And second of all, shut up. And then his third, this is kind of a twist. Shut up.

Like your friend asked you to pick up some tickets. You're going to go to a game. And by the way, here's the other thing. If he was your friend, I'm thinking of my friend Trevor right now in Dallas. I just picked a random friend. I said, hey, Trevor, I got two front row seats to the Mavericks game. I'd rather set myself on fire than do that. But let's say I did. It's still too soon to talk about the Mavericks right now because I'm still real angry. I got you. So if I called Trevor and said, hey, I got two seats. Me and my wife are flying in. We're going to go sit courtside at this game.

Would you go grab those tickets for me? He'd be like, of course I will. He's not even going. You know why? Because he's my friend. And the fact that a friend would be like, if you're really my friend, you'd give me part of the handkerchief, whatever goody bag. What is happening? We're doomed, everybody. If you're listening to the show, like and subscribe, and it might be the last thing you do. We're doomed. God help us. See you guys next time.