How Do I Get My Ex-Fiancée Back After I Lied?
01:02:43 Share

I'm trying to earn the trust that I had destroyed and lost. I got fired, and for five months after being fired, I lied. What happened happened. And if the way you're recounting the story is 100% accurate, you got unapologetically screwed. What's up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So grateful that you've joined us. You're hanging out with us, spending your most precious resource, your time with us.

This show talks to hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. Maybe the world has dropped a few cinder blocks in their backpack, or maybe they've blown their lives up, or maybe they're standing on the edge of a challenging decision. They don't know which way to go. Their kids are struggling. Whatever you got going on in your life, this show is real people going through real challenges. And I'd love to have you on. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291.

Or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And you're going to fill out the form and it will shoot it over to Kelly and to Taylor and they'll give you a buzz, man. See if we can have you on the show. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Emmanuel. What's up, Emmanuel? How we doing, man? I've had better days. How you doing? I'm doing all right, brother. What's up, man?

Well, I'm calling in because I've listened to your show, like I guess everybody kind of opens with, but I listened to your show and I thought, man, if there's any chance I could hear a grain of truth or a little bit of a word that could help me and my significant other, then it's worth a shot. So my question ultimately, and I hope I don't babble too much, is I'm trying to earn the trust of

that I had destroyed and lost from my fiance and her family. And then that's ultimately what I'm trying to get at. What happened? Well, I'd say take a seat. So take a breath here. Yeah, you're good, man. You're good. We're in no rush. So do this, do this. We're going to, let's go in reverse order.

Yep. Tell me what happened or I'll be more direct. Tell me what you did and then let's work back to how we got there. Not the other way around. Okay. Okay. Okay. Uh, so I, uh,

I made two significant lies. The first was lying about my job. I got fired. And for five months after being fired, I lied to her family, my family, my friends, pretty much everyone around me, never confessing that I got fired. So I both lied by omission and commission. Why'd you get fired? Why'd you get fired?

Yeah. So I can give you, I guess a little background here. Um, I worked as a straight to conditioning coach for a pro team here. Um, and I was, I was doing that since, uh, last year. Um, from that point I got a promotion. There was a lot of changes going on with the coaching staff and, um, kind of, let me, let me frame this a little bit better. So, so she and I have been in a relationship for 15 months. Oh,

Oh, I'm sorry. Sorry. Why'd you get fired? Yeah. I got fired for, uh, violating a, uh, code of conduct, uh, and the lack of performance. Um, they cited two, uh, uh, situations. One in which I was a no show, uh, no, no call, no show, uh, last year. And I got fined 10, 10 grand for that. Uh, the next was, uh, missing a meeting. Now I, I,

I don't believe that that's the only reason. The coaches around me didn't believe that that was the only reason, and it kind of feeds into my thought process at the time, but that's what was cited on my termination document. I do believe that, I mean, not that I believe, I was told it came from the top, and I think that it has a little bit more to do with, I can dive into my past, but I think it has more to do with the owner knowing a person that I was

I guess another career field didn't like me too much. And so it's a whole other story, but that's my, that's my opinion. But, um, on, on paper, that's why I was fired. Okay. So there's like, here's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to build towards cause you're, you're a ball of energy, right?

Yeah. And the ball of nerves, cause I've never, I've never opened and this vulnerable, I mean, to say the least. And so sure. Yeah. But I mean, inside that energy is a whole bunch of swirling stories. And so, yeah, it's important to, what I'm trying to get at is how much ownership are you taking? How much is everything somebody else's fault? How much is it like just kind of was what it was? How much is it?

You see what I'm saying? So that's what I'm getting at. So, okay, so you got fired and you didn't tell anybody. Yeah. I mean, getting fired, the reason I was cited for getting fired is it's all on me at the end of the day. I mean, there's no excuse for that. Yeah, I got that. But I mean, sometimes we get fired and you're a strength and conditioning coach. You made it to the big leagues, right? And...

Then you get fired. If that's been something you've been working for forever and maybe you went on a flex tour or everybody's excited for you, everybody was telling their friends that they know a guy who works for so-and-so. Like, that's awesome. And then all of a sudden you feel like you let everybody down. That's one thing. The other thing is when I got fired for cause, I did something in violation. I blew a big shot. And it's kind of a pattern that I've had my whole life. And everyone's going to go, yep.

And so I didn't tell him because of that. And then one, not telling him turned into stretching. The truth turns into everybody's things. I still work there and I'm coming up with reasons why I'm not on the sidelines or I'm not in practice or whatever. And so either way you have an identity issue, right? So what's the, what's the other, what's the other big lie? The other big lie was, uh, so after apologizing, um,

And confessing to everything and giving as much documentation being as transparent as we possibly can. She was extremely grateful. And so then I lied a few weeks after that. She had asked me, I said I was going to send her family some apology letters. And she had asked me if I had sent those letters to her family and I just freaked out and I said I did when I didn't. And then what happened?

Nothing happened. Um, so after the, after the first lie, she was so gracious and, um, understanding and trying to work and, and, and giving at least a door of communication after that second lie, um, nothing happened. Um, all that, all that occurred was, uh,

no communication until finally, uh, here recently, um, she, she essentially said, I'm, I'm cutting all ties and, um, uh, I cannot be around someone who's the antithesis of me. Um, and, and essentially said, I worship the father of lies and, uh, it, um,

she's she's not wrong she's not wrong um so why are you so terrified of being seen well i've been i've been i started going to um after the first lie i started no no no forget all that and forget all that yep forget all that a lot of guys get into strength and conditioning because that was their path to be seen and there's part there's part of a hustle and a grind and a

and a discipline, which are all three really important things. But it becomes an identity, and sometimes that identity is used to wallpaper over other hurts. You don't like people to see you. Why not? So, because I end up hurting people. I end up failing people. And then I get caught in this spiral of...

I'm going to say it's pride and selfishness because then I think that I start going to more of like an ego side. Hold on. Who have you hurt and failed? You've got this girlfriend of a year. Okay. How old are you, man? I'm 35. Okay. So you got this girlfriend of a year and I don't want to, I don't want to minimize it, but you've got a girlfriend of a year and you're right. You blew it. You lied to her on too big. You lied to her about a big thing, but then almost worse. You lied to her about a little thing.

And I get like her stepping back and be like, oh, that's who this dude is. Not he got fired from a big opportunity and it was a huge thing and he was ashamed and I'll walk with him through that. I get that. Then it was something little and dumb. Like it was so clearly I can just make one phone call and find out. And he rode that to the bottom of the ocean. Like, oh, that's just who this dude is. So I get that. But who have you failed and let down for so long?

Because here's the thing, when you lie like that, there's this belief that everyone around me is stupider than me. I can get away with this. I know more than. And that comes from somewhere. Give me another example of someone you let down and failed. Back when I was serving in the military, I was honorably discharged. And I felt like I failed, I mean, everybody. Why were you discharged? So...

I was part of a undercover operation for a group called OSI. And I worked with them for two years and we were able to get a lot of conviction for sexual assault. And, um,

There was a lot of, and I know there's going to be a common denominator here, but essentially I was discharged for breaking the rules as far as going over the fence or getting demerits. So this was at the Air Force Academy, and it was national news at one point. And so it took me years to...

You get investigations done to actually bring out the truth. And the truth was, I was telling the truth the entire time I was telling the truth. But as a result of

all the drama. Um, close friends of mine, for example, uh, you know, we didn't want to be seen in public cause I was the guy that was kind of marred. And if you were still active duty, you know, you kind of want to keep a bit of a distance. Um, it was a shock to my family and, and, and even myself because, um, I didn't, I didn't necessarily see it coming. Um, and it took so long to try to

prove my name again um that from the time of being discharged to the time of being able to say hey look i was telling the truth we're talking you know five or six years and um by then a lot of people distance themselves from me so you're a part of a team that was investigating military sexual assault and as you brought people to justice they threw you under the bus as the bad guy

and they blamed you for like, like inappropriate investigation tactics and things. And then you ended up somehow having to clear your name. Is that right? That's pretty, pretty dang close. Yeah. So I was, I was the fall guy. Okay. As a group of military folks tried to save their own reputation saying we don't have a sexual assault problem here. That's exactly right. Okay. And by the time, by the time you're cleared, um, your name's mud and it's,

We're moving on. And yeah. And then, so, you know, all my, all my buddies and, and friends and, you know, friends from high school and friends, I mean, you name it, everyone doesn't know who Eric is at that time because there's just so much trauma and, and, you know, one,

side of the house is saying one thing and I'm over here saying another. And, you know, it takes years until the documentation come up to prove who is right. But in the meantime, you know, everyone just kind of distanced themselves. So did you get reinstated? Why did your discharge, what was your discharge upheld? Right. So, um, I, I never did get reinstated. It's actually, um,

because to this day, I'm still trying to completely clear my name despite being honorably discharged. I have a rating that is similar to those who are convicted of sexual assault. So it's basically a double slap in the face where I have an honorable discharge, but if I tried to go into any other service in any other capacity, I can't because of what is written on that documentation. So it literally takes either the chief of staff,

the president or your secretary of the air force to actually reverse it. And, um,

It's been, I would say, a decade-long fight to even get to that point. And, yeah, so it's – I was supposed to be a pilot originally. I was supposed to be flying. And to this day, if there's ever an avenue to try to be heard, I still think about that and clear my name. Sure. So it seems – and you and I could probably go back even further. There's a pattern of clouds and shadows following you. Is that fair? Yeah.

It's super fair. I was, I mean, I know I was honest and told the truth. I was even polygraphed and it was something that I was telling the truth back then. And I lost my career and we have a lot of good people. We had three convictions of sexual assault. We helped over 51 different victims and it was a lot of good, but

I lost everything. I lost my name. I lost my career. And when this happened, I freaked out. She was the next best thing to me. And I didn't want to go back to that place again. And so I...

I was ashamed. I was completely ashamed. And there were other factors too. And I would say just a lot of lies that were floating in my head. I also didn't, she has a story, she has a past. And she's grown from it. And I didn't want to look or resemble anything close to that past. I wanted to be a future of stability where I could, she feel safe and she feel supported. And I became the very thing that I hated. And I... And that's what I want to double click on. Yeah.

Because I became a liar. I became a manipulator. I became a liar. I became a man of fear. I became a coward. But it's because it's one of two things, and we won't get to the bottom of it here, but I want to just leave you with it. It's one of two things. You know that deep down in your guts, there is a shadow part of you.

And you're real smart and you're real fast on your feet and you can talk your way and talk your way and you'll play the long game and you'll ride a story to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean until either people give up or they just cross their eyes or they go, whatever, it's fine. Or somebody is not able to prove something. It's either that or you just got knocked out. Go to Walgreens today and get a 79 cent pack of note cards.

and write out your schedule for today and do that wake up tomorrow morning and write out your schedule for that day and do that write one act of service whether that's writing a note to somebody whether that's calling your mom whether that's finding a friend and buying them a coffee whether that is paying for somebody's food to drive through your eyes are so firmly planted in your belly button that you just stay in a loop you're just in a spiral and you got to do things to get your eyes up

So let's start there. Tell them the truth to ourself. I want you to take a pause on this, trying to get this relationship back. It may be long gone, brother. Maybe not, but probably. It can't be a reason for getting up every day, trying to prove yourself. And there's going to be a part of this healing that is you getting with other men and telling the truth. Here's what happened to me when I was a little kid. Here is what I wanted to do today. Here's the lies that I told.

Here's the ways I got screwed by the military, but here's the way also I kind of fudged things to get the truth out of your body and into the world and exhale. Let people fully see you. And what you're going to find is most people most of the time are like, man, yeah, me too. And there's such freedom in that. You can't even imagine what it's like to sleep without any secrets. But all that starts with you trusting yourself to do the next right thing. Hang on the line, man. I'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life. That'd be my gift to you, man. I want you to follow it to the letter. Follow the path to the letter.

I'll go get you some note cards and start there. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. Good folks, the modern world exposes us to things that our bodies had no idea even existed up until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers.

I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. These things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them.

And here's why you'll love them too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine.

I use them all the time. And Bond Charge has a ton of other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, 100% blackout sleep masks, and more. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. Go right now.

All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet. Just kidding. It's the worst. I mean, it is amazing, but it's also the worst. And it doesn't matter if I don't like it because everything in my life and your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages, our communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where we are.

And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of different accounts for banking and shopping and social media. It's become normal to even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup with our phones. Listen,

Whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm so thrilled to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of our online activity, who even knows where our data is and who has access to it?

Chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the internets and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete Me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker websites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where.

So while we really can't avoid the internets, we can try to make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Individual Delete.me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today and get 20% off. That's joindeleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go to Dallas, Texas and talk to Linda. Hey, Linda, what's up? How are you? I'm doing great. How about yourself?

Good. I'll just, I guess I'll just go ahead and jump straight to it. I have a, like, I guess like a disagreement with my partner. And so I was, my question is, how do you handle a disagreement obtaining a marriage license? He doesn't tell you until after you've had a ceremony. That's a great question.

Yeah. Okay, so y'all had a big party, but you're not legally married, right? Yeah, but with Texas law, it gets confusing. And so, like, there's like common law marriage. And so... Yes, I am not a family law expert, okay? Yeah. I did grow up and spend my life in Texas.

I have had friends and colleagues and I've sat with them and walked through them through clean divorces and messy divorces in that state. And I am all about not inviting the government into any part of my life where I can avoid it. And I got a marriage license before I did anything else. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, it's kind of like, I guess, messy also because we did things out of order. We have kids, but his license shows his mom's address still. You know, we've been together since we were 18. So you're dating a child. Yeah.

Yeah, that's how it feels. And then like he also, I've been wanting to get like a, buy a house for some time. Me personally, I don't personally have the funds in my own pocket, but he, I have a good credit. I just don't have the funds because I've had some pretty hefty expenses come up within the last year and a half. Please for all it is holy, don't buy a house with this guy.

Please don't. Like for real, please don't. But what I was about to say is he wanted me, he first said, he waited until after we had a ceremony to say for me to buy a house only in my name and then we'll get it licensed after that. That doesn't make any sense because everyone I know that has real estate experience says it's easier or better, more beneficial to

by house with both of you involved. How old are you, Linda? I feel like a married couple. How old are you? I'm actually 33. So you've been together since you were 18? There was a time we were separated back in 2020 for like a little over a year because this is where it also gets messy. He had an emotional affair and

And I, uh, we had couples counseling and we did a class through church since then. But then like this year, he's like, it's kind of like, um, not, it's, it's, um, hasn't really gone well this year. Um, so I'm, I am heartbroken that nobody in your life has told you what I'm going to tell you. Okay. I hate that. I'm the first guy to do this. I don't, it's not like this is fun. Okay. Um,

But this is me talking to my fellow Texan friend. And if you've listened to this show for any time, you've heard me say this line over and over. But behavior is a language. Yeah. And so what this guy has told you for more than a decade is he has zero, absolutely no interest in being your husband, period. He has no interest, zero interest in building a life with you.

Yeah, somehow he wants me to change my last name to his, and I told him I'm not going to until we had a marriage license. He is a child. He wants what he wants when he wants it. He's a kid with a bib on screaming for more Froot Loops. And he probably had a mom that gave them to him. Yeah. And so what he's... He was, yeah, pretty spoiled. What he's used to is getting what he wants when he wants, and you've given it to him. You gave him a kid.

You give him a place to live. You've given him everything. What you have to do is be honest about what is best for you, what is best for your child, and this is far from it. Yeah. Period. Please, please don't buy a house with him. Please don't. Your instincts are absolutely correct.

I just don't know what to do from here. That's kind of where I'm stuck and that's why I was reaching out. My circle is very small, unfortunately, now. I've even had to cut off my own family because they're toxic. It's a long story there. Listen to me. Yeah. Listen, he has left you long ago. He does like sleeping with you.

And he does like the meals you provide. And if you do his laundry too, he likes that also. But he has no responsibilities. He still has his mommy's address on his license. He's 33 years old. Yeah. Right? The rules of the world have not applied to him because he's had two women make sure that they didn't. And so you have to metabolize. Not, I want these things, but I'm afraid I'm going to lose them. You have to metabolize this truth. He is long gone.

He's never been with you in the first place. Sure, he threw a party with you. Y'all had a playhouse honeymoon. That was cool, probably. We did even have that. Oh, yeah. There you go. Does he have a great job? It's all right. You know, it's like he has all this money in savings and I have nothing in savings currently because I was on pay leave for a few months this year and

And like I said, other pretty big expenses came up. Did he swoop in with his savings and take care of the mother of his child? Like when I was on a few leaves? Or what do you mean? Yeah. When you had big expenses pop in? No. No. Why in the world would you marry a guy like this? He's unmarriable. He doesn't care about anything other than himself. You're the mother of his kid.

Yeah. You had to leave on unpaid leave for medical challenges or personal crisis. And he's got this big fat savings account. He's like, that's mine. What are you doing, Linda? He was saying it's hours, but at the same time, it's like, I've been trying to do like, you know, like have like, um, I guess like,

finance type meetings with him every once in a while we have polar opposite work schedules even like having like a time with him is those very sparse and then all he did was just show me his balance on his bank account no it's not like that's not a budget session or anything linda he doesn't want to be married to you and i know that's that hits like a like a like a sack of bricks i know that he doesn't want to be with you he doesn't want to build a life with you

He just wants to sit at his high chair and have somebody bring him more Froot Loops. And take credit for what things I've done. That's right. And here's your path. And it's not a pleasant one, okay? It's not fun. Path A is you can stay where you're at. And you're showing your young son or daughter this is what love looks like. This is what romance looks like. This is how adults care for one another, what that looks like.

Or you can get your own apartment and you can tell him he's out. He can go back and live with his mommy like his license says. And you can begin to build boundaries that you need. Because you haven't slept a full night in a long time. You haven't exercised in God knows how long. You haven't been taken out on a date in God knows how long. Yeah. You've been gaslit for the last decade. I guess I didn't really fully, I guess, understand gaslighting until recently. I know. It's painful.

Because you've been thinking the last 10 years, there's just one more thing you needed to do, and then finally you would be worth being loved. And you've been worth being loved this whole time. I guess the backstory of that, too, is I haven't really felt like that since even in my childhood years. I know. There's some abuse in there, and my mom wasn't protecting me, and she actually...

Like was supporting the person that was the abuser. I got that. And that's evil. Hold on, hold on. It's evil and that's wrong. Yeah. It's evil and it's wrong. And I'm saying this with you, not at you, okay? And now you're a 33-year-old mother and you are responsible for what happens next. Yeah. Period. And I guess let me know if this is also gaslighting or not, but...

I actually went through, in a way, like a rite of passage to get over my trauma the best I could. And he actually took credit in some of that. But just because he was in the picture is, I guess, like a support, but...

I mean, I can't judge that. I can't judge that. I mean, I don't. I just wasn't sure that was gaslighting or what because I'm the one that did the work in it. But he's trying to, like, take the credit for me being past my stuff. You and your guts know. You and your guts know. You've not trusted yourself for so, so long. So long, right? Like, forever. I want you to stay on the line. I'm going to hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp.

And I want you to meet with one of the licensed therapists and you can meet on your schedule because I know you're working like crazy trying to provide for both your real child and your man child. And I want you to start meeting with a therapist and I want you to begin and I want you to tell the therapist, I need to start creating some boundaries in my personal life for my physical and emotional health. I got some trauma I'm still unpacking from my childhood and I've been with somebody for over 15 years.

who has no interest in building a life or building a romantic relationship or a stable relationship with me. They just want to exist because I do everything in their life for them. And it's time for me to begin to build a life where I have security and safety. The road ahead, Linda, is very, very difficult. The easiest thing you can do is just to keep going back to the well and going back to the well and continuing to be this person's mother.

The harder thing will be to look yourself in the mirror and believe that you're worth something way, way more than this. You have more power in this situation you could ever imagine. You're just going to need to get a professional and a couple of close friends to walk with you. Make sure to call us, sister. We'll be right back.

It's the new year, my favorite time of year. Everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping the things that aren't helpful in our lives, and overall, building a better life. And

And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a total waste of your time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable. So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and let's create better systems. And let's start by curating a system and goals that are good for our hearts and our souls.

Let's start by focusing on our spiritual lives this year. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it every day and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God

Ask hard, hard questions and find some answers and find peace. Hallow has amazing daily prayers that are perfect to start your day with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the daily minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability.

Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, they're offering three free months when you join at hallow.com slash Deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free. Go right now.

All right, let's go to Napa, California and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up? Hey, Dr. John, how are you? I'm doing all right. What's going on in your world?

Well, my question for you is, can my marriage survive with our differences feeling insurmountable? That's a big question. Yeah, I wrote some bullet points. Okay, go for it. Okay, cool. I've been married for 31 years. We've always been each other's yin and yang.

There's an eight-year difference in age. He's late 60s. I'm early 60s. He began transitioning to retirement four years ago. He's a self-employed contractor. I retired two years ago. He was fully retired by then with occasional small jobs. Our opposites are getting harder and harder to accept in each other. Expressing feelings are difficult for him except negativity. I rarely hear I'm sorry from him voluntarily.

I'm very verbal. I see the positive in things. And this all came to a head recently. I think it's because in September I decided I was going to start communicating with him in the same way he speaks to me. He got mad at me and yelled how unhappy he was and wanted to get into marriage counseling, but only recently followed through to make the phone call. We do have a screening appointment in a couple of days.

I've been through therapy on and off through the years. I'm in individual counseling right now. I started about a month ago. He says I'm a teller, not an asker, and that I control everything. He says he can't talk to me.

I say he doesn't treat me with kindness when speaking to me. I'm tired of the negativity, so I ignore him a lot. Seems the happier I am in retirement, the grumpier he has become. I say he drinks and smokes too much, and I have zero tolerance for it anymore. We made a deal that he would sleep in the guest room when he was under the influence, which he has adhered to, and he has cut back significantly in the last month.

I asked him to move into the guest room permanently on Thanksgiving because he hadn't made the phone call to get us into counseling. I want to remain in separate bedrooms until we are in counseling and want to work with a counselor before we go back to sleeping in the same room. So, Dr. John, is our marriage salvageable? And is this a common situation in older-slash-long-term marriages? Yeah. You're not a lost cause, Stephanie. Give me a big exhale. I can feel how tense you are. Exhale big.

I'm going to take a sip of tea. Take a sip of tea. Take a big swig of tea. Is that hard to say all that out loud to somebody? Well, because I've been in therapy, you know, recently, come out before, but to say to you, yes, yes, sir. Yeah, this is super normal.

You may have heard me use this language before, but y'all have gotten yourselves in quite the dance, and it's hard to get out. Habits are hard. Well, it's not even habits. It's two people seeking to connect with one another. But you just get in this chase. It's a game of chase, and it's hard to stop. And...

Yeah, it's very common for somebody who has spent their life being a contractor to recognize my body doesn't do what it used to. Yeah. I can't get up and run 20 hours like I used to. Right. So I have to stop. And there is none, zero. There is no cultural path. There's no moment of education for 60-year-old men to say, and now what? Almost 70. Almost 70.

Right? No, I know. And there's something devastating about thinking, oh, I just sit on the porch until I die. And that story will make you pretty damn grumpy. Right. That's not an excuse. It's just a context. Okay? Right. Right. And so you got a guy who stopped doing a thing.

And y'all may have had some moments when the light shines through in California and through the breakfast window when y'all are having coffee together over the past 10 years, and y'all talked about what it would be like when you retired. Yep. And those moments lit you up, and those moments terrified him to death. I don't understand why. Because often for men, the whole world has told them they are absolutely useless, right?

Beyond what they quote unquote provide. And most men have zero understanding, sight, training, a picture of what provision means other than money in a checking account. Period. Maybe guys get guns and watch John Wick movies and or they exercise a lot and they think they can provide security to. But for most men, they've been told you're the problem with everything on the planet.

Shut your mouth and go to work. And they do. And they die early. And most men don't understand that many of their wives just want them. I just want you. I just want them happy. That's it. That's it. And he probably wonders every minute of every day why his wife doesn't like him so much.

I'd agree with that. I think the same thing. Why doesn't he like me? That's what I'm saying. Then it makes him grumpy. And then he snaps at you. And you wonder, why don't you like me? Well, fine, screw you. You can't even sleep in my bed anymore. And then he wonders, good God, why doesn't she like me? And then he snaps at you. And then you go, oh my gosh, you can't even be. And then I shut down and ignore him. And it just turns into this dance that's really hard to get out of. And it's frustrating. It's hard. And you know what makes it feel better? Alcohol.

Yeah. It doesn't make it feel better. Actually, that's not true. It makes it feel a little less painful. And like he had to take an intake assessment and, you know, for us to get into therapy. And, you know, he's not well-versed with computers and stuff like that. So I had to do it with him. And everything was how you feel and, you know, all of its answers were no, not at all, you know. Okay, but hold on. Hold on.

Can you imagine your wife says get out of my house unless you do this thing and you sit down to do that thing? You don't even know how it works. Can you imagine how embarrassing that feels? How small that would make you feel? And then they ask you to do the one thing, the one thing that in his line of work for 50 years would get his head block knocked off. And that is talk about your feelings.

He doesn't talk about his feelings. He never has. I know, but have you given him a safe space for him to do that at home? Yes, sir. Okay. Trust me. Yes, sir. That's amazing that you've done that. But I want us to look at that as a skills issue, not a character issue. Because if he didn't know how to shoot free throws on a basketball court, you wouldn't kick him out. My guess is he doesn't know how.

Maybe he didn't want to. Shoot, maybe. Maybe he likes torturing you. You know him better than I do. And if that's the case, he's a jerk and a scumbag, and your marriage probably isn't going to make it. Well, like last night, the mental health people called to make the appointment for the screening phone call. And he got off the phone, and he was not a happy camper. And I couldn't understand why.

Whether it was anger or frustration. I mean, it was, it's just weird to me. It's shame. It's shame. It's shame. Do you know how embarrassing it is? I'm telling you this as a guy in my forties, you know how embarrassing it is that I had to go talk to a professional so that I could learn new skills to talk and interact with my wife. It's embarrassing. So I've dedicated my entire life.

Sitting down with people and saying, don't be embarrassed about it. You know how humiliating it is to be 70 and still wonder why I'm so unlikable? And I got to go talk to some 32-year-old fresh out of grad school? It's shame. But yet he's lived with a girl who has been through serious things.

trauma life stuff and seeing how she's worked to heal that stuff. And yet that isn't enough for him to do one plus one equals two. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's pretty tough. It's pretty, I would say that's not fair. That's not fair of me to expect that of him. Yeah, there's, I won't go into the nerd stuff. There's a psychological tenant, if you will,

that we often judge ourselves by our intent and we judge other people by their actions. I snap because here's why, and I have a whole context for why I snapped at somebody. But if somebody snaps at me, it's because they're a jerk. They're a bad person. They're a scumbag. They're dumb. And so instead of judging, if I could give you one gift, it would be to toggle the judgment from judgment to curiosity. Instead of saying, man, your wife has been through so much trauma and you've seen the counseling and the this and you see who I've become.

I wonder what's going on inside of this man who has dedicated his life to taking care of his family. He's been a grump the whole time, and he smokes too much, and he snores like a freight train. But I wonder... Actually, it's me who snores. Okay. But I wonder why that connection's never been made. Instead of, are you freaking kidding me? You've seen what I've done. One of those is, get away from me. One of those is an invitation. Well, I asked him one time, do you ever...

Think of the health of our relationship or the status of our relationship or anything like that. Something along those lines. No, he's just always been this, you know, day at a time, in the moment, take it as it comes, dude. And is that also a big part of why you love him? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah.

No. I mean, and when... Excuse me. You're good. When it hit the fan this, you know, after September, um...

You know, we didn't talk for a few days and it was like, okay, because, you know, like I said, I don't respond well to anger or negative energy towards me at all. And I'm not going to respond to that. I will ignore it. When you get over it, let me know. Hold on. Do you hear that? My anger? Yeah. Because I'm tired, John. I know you are.

I know you're exhausted. And I also know he's exhausted. I remember the look in my wife's eyes when we were sitting across the table from each other asking ourselves, is our marriage over? Exactly. I remember putting my hands on the table and I said, will you just say the words I'm proud of you because all of this has been for you. She looked at me kind of hurt and she said, every action I do shows you that I'm proud of you. I said, you've never said it.

She said, I didn't know I needed to say it. I wish you told me that 20 years ago. But he's not even capable of saying that. No, no, no. Are you? Yes. Trust me. I tell him that we would not have the life that we have without each other. I would not have the life I have without him. What we have built together is incredible. It's not good right now, you know, but we asked each other straight up, you know, do you still love me?

Yes and yes. Okay. Would you think you'd be happier with somebody else? No and no. Do you want to get a divorce? No. Okay. Now we got something to work with. But this not being able to talk to each other anymore is nuts. It's nuts. Will you try something for me? You've tried the distancing and you've tried the kicking them out of the room and you've tried the ultimatums. Okay. And y'all are going to see a professional, which I applaud. This isn't Hollywood and it's not sexy, but it'll work. I'd love for you to write down on a piece of paper

And I want you to sit down and look at him across the table and say, I know you love me. And I've never given you an explicit roadmap to my heart. I'm sorry. And maybe you're thinking, I have a million times. He knows that I like flowers. Let's just try. And hand him a piece of paper that says, not here's all the things you can't do in this house. Here's the ways that I feel loved. And maybe you can be silly and at the bottom say, will you love me? Yes, no, or maybe. And put little check boxes.

And then tell him, it would be amazing if you gave me a roadmap to your heart. Because we're in the fourth quarter of our lives. We're in the fourth quarter of our marriage. And we get to decide what happens next. We get to choose it. I was thinking about, you know how you tell parents with kids to get a journal? And, you know, put it on the pillow every night or every time you write in it. I just don't know if he would play. But that's, if he doesn't understand, this is a roadmap to my heart.

He'll think he's got another chore to do if he knows I don't understand this It's the same as I used to i've told on the show a million times I did not understand what chit chat meant to my wife It felt unproductive It felt like I could be doing other things like paying bills like fixing something at the house like doing some of the yard like doing something She just wanted me to sit there while she made dinner and talk about the day listen Sometimes not say anything just be there

But it took her saying that 30 minutes of no phone, no screen, no action, just us means the world to me. And then I had a choice. I could go, I ain't doing that. We got every minute counts. Or I could say, cool. She went on a limb and said, this is how I feel loved as her husband. I'm going to provide that. Game on. And then occasionally I say, I love chit-chatting with you. Yeah.

But you have gotten in this weird dance. And what I want to tell you that dancing isn't, someone's got to, like I say this all the time. Someone's got to turn the music off and turn the lights on. I feel like I'm the one who does it all the time. Okay. Then say, I don't want to do that anymore. And I will take the consequences. Or choose to go one more time and say, this is what love looks like. I want one of these maps for you. How can I love you? What are three things that scare you about the next 10 years? What are three things that excite you about the next 10 years? You can't retire and do nothing. What do you want to do?

I don't know. I don't know. Well, and that's the thing. He has a boat. He goes fishing and takes the dog for a walk all the time. And, you know, that's it. Have you ever said, I want to go fishing with you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a fishing license. I'm the bomb. Okay. But I'm also a Cinderella. The weather has to be just right. Okay. So I think here's the deal. At some point, somebody has to say, I don't want to have to go first again, but here we are.

Or I'm not going first anymore and I'm willing to lose my marriage. I'm willing to lose everything over it because I'm not going first again. And I don't like the way you've gotten grumpier and grumpier and grumpier as we finally got this thing we've been talking about for 10 years. And I can judge you for the grumpiness or I can get curious. What in the world? We finally got it. We're free. We got enough money. We got enough everything. Be curious about it. Curiosity is an invitation. Judgment is a declaration of exclusion. Get out of here.

But it's one of those things like, yeah, you've done a ton, a ton of work and it's easy to look around and be pissed off that everyone else isn't doing that work. What I'll tell you is that doesn't get them closer to the work. It makes them feel more ashamed. It makes them feel more frustrated. It makes them feel more annoyed and they get further and further away. So maybe after he gets off the phone from the intake, unable to work the computers that even the intake requires, bringing him a cup of decaf coffee at night at night and putting your hand on his arm and saying, hey, that was hard.

I remember all the way back to the first time I did a counseling appointment. That's hard. I'm proud of you for making that call, and I want you to know that I feel loved. Why'd you do that? No, no, no, no. I'm going to hold your face. I'm going to look you in the eye. I want you to know that I'm proud of you, and that made me feel loved. This is step one to a pretty amazing fourth quarter in our lives. I get to pick. I get to pick that. Or I can roll my eyes and be like, I can't believe you're so mad about that. Especially in older men, shame often comes out as anger.

I don't know how. I know how to build a building. I know how to landscape a property. I've been a contractor my whole life. I don't even know how to talk to my wife. It's a skills issue. I think your marriage has all the upside in the world. I really do. I think it's both of y'all who are tired wondering why each other doesn't like each other. I think it's both of y'all setting the ego down and saying, here's the path to my heart. I need a path to yours. And I'm going to commit to do it. Will you commit to it?

If both of y'all can do that and learn some new skills in therapy, man, you're going to have an awesome fourth quarter. You get to choose what happens next. Both paths are going to be hard. Just choose your heart. We'll be right back.

All right, listen, folks, you can't just think your way to being emotionally or mentally well, and you can't just think your way to having good relationships. We all have to also focus on our physical health, and that means regular exercise, weight training, and movement. And I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. And with so much noise out there, it can be hard to know even how to get started.

So if you're finally ready to start an exercise program, or if you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready just to shake things up, you've got to check out TrainWell. TrainWell is an app and personal trainer all in one. I use it, my wife, my coworkers, and their spouses. Everybody's using TrainWell all the time, and the results have been off the charts.

TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step-by-step guidance from real people. That means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both worlds. I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis. And like I said, the results have been amazing.

To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with your expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better.

TrainWell takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your physical health and start exercising, I want you to get online, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer. Go to trainwell.net slash deloney today. And they've extended their special offer for my audience just $69 a month when you lock in your plan this February. That's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate plus 14 days of free training.

Go to trainwell.net. That's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L. Trainwell.net slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Hey, don't forget to check out the Ramsey Network app. It's the network that hosts this show. And you can get this show a week earlier. You can get it a week earlier. And don't forget to hit subscribe. Leave five-star reviews. It makes all the difference in the world. Here's something I want all of you to try based on that last call.

I want you to write 10 things that you would love for your spouse or partner to do. 10 things. Here's a roadmap to my chest, to my heart. And then ask them, will you give me yours? And I'm just going to have, I'll have like a, it's like a key, a roadmap, a path. Sometimes we get in the habit of trying to love people the way we want to be loved and we expect them to see it and know it in his heart. Ask for a roadmap and give one. Just see what happens next.

Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Peace. Bye.