How Do I Protect My Kids From My Mentally Unstable Ex-Wife?
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My ex-wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion. She is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24-hour care. And that's where we are right now. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

So glad that you're with us. Talking about your kids, your marriage, your dating relationships, what in the world are you supposed to do next? In a world that feels like it is falling apart. How do we keep singing? Even if it's just a couple of us huddled around a campfire. That's what we're doing here, man. Pull up a stool, pull up a seat, pull up a log, and we'll figure out what's the next right move.

whatever you got going on. Go to John Deloney, D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. And we'll get you on the show. Go out to Boston to a Harvard bar and talk to Tim. What's up, Tim? Hello. How are you doing? I'm doing good, man. What's up with you, brother? I've been calling the show to ask you, how do I cope with the guilt of having to limit my children's access

to their mother for their safety, and what can I do to support them emotionally through this difficult time. What happened, man? My ex-wife was found wandering the highway during rush hour traffic in a state of confusion about a month ago, and she's been in hospitals and treatment facilities since then.

And my current understanding of the situation is she is currently unable to safely care for herself and requires 24-hour care. And that's where we are right now. Hmm.

So you asked how to cope with the guilt. Tell me what you're feeling, man. Like, I don't know. Like, I lost my father, I guess, a couple years ago. And it feels to me that, like, the kids have lost, like, the mother they knew. Right. And, like, she's not...

She, she is just a shell of herself right now. And how do I help the kid go through that? Or if I, maybe I'm just feeling, um, that way because of how I lost my father. It's like, she's, she's gone, but she's not. Yeah. Um, and, and never want to minimize somebody who loses a loved one, like to someone who dies. Right. Obviously that's catastrophic. Um,

Sitting with people over the last two decades, I almost sense the loss is different, but in a strange way. It's more, I don't want to say painful, but there's a different kind. It's a different depth to the hurt because they're still there, but they're not. Yeah. Right? And so you're trying to grieve somebody that's still walking around or still breathing, if you will. And there's not a period at the end of the sentence. It's like a dot, dot, dot, right? It's ellipsis and it's pain.

Really tough. So are your kids asking questions? They're kind of sticking their head in the sand and they haven't. I've tried to ask them if they want to talk about it. Most of the time is no. How old are they? One is 13 and one's 16. Okay. Yeah, they're old enough that I would recommend not asking them.

Okay. Because they're going to also move, like, let me back up. When did y'all get divorced? About six years ago. Okay. Have they been visiting her? Was this psychiatric, was this not psychiatric, the psychotic break? Was it pretty acute or has she been struggling with mental health challenges forever?

She's been pregnant with mental health challenges since my son was born 13 years ago. So I would say probably she's been more or less stable for like the last seven years. Okay. Let's back all the way up. Y'all got divorced six years ago, which would have put one kid at seven and would have put one kid at 10.

Yes. Before that, there would have been two or three years or four years of escalating tension in your house. Fair? Yes. Very fair. Okay. So my guess is your kids developed some sort of safety mechanisms, ways to keep themselves safe, and possibly even ways to keep you safe. And that's heartbreaking, but that's what kids do. And I'm wondering if this many years later, they know that

There's just some things that it's just not good to talk about with that. And that's not an indictment of you. That's just an is. And so when you say, hey, do you guys want to talk about something? They may say those feelings are too big and we can't hold them. We're just, we're still, we're teenagers, but we're still kids. And we don't want to do that to you, dad. Or we saw how hard it was when you lost your dad. Like we just want, let's just keep the water calm.

And so often a great gift a parent can give their kids is to let the kids see how hard this is for you. Give them permission, not verbally, but experientially that dad's heart is broken to that. I'm sad that I'm going through another grief just after my dad died. And that goes counter to everything we're taught as men, which is the greatest gift we could give our kids is like, just be a pillar of concrete. Just be strong.

And what ends up happening is the kids feel crazy because they miss their mom or they miss marriage or they miss the fantasy that one day, even though it's been six years, mom and dad will get back together. And so there may be a moment where you say, hey, kids, I need y'all to come sit around the table. And maybe I'll never sit around the table in your house. That's cool. But you sit around the table and you say, I've really been struggling with your mom being so sick.

and I'm sad and I just want to say it out loud that I'm really sad and give them a picture of what it looks like to say things like that out loud. Maybe it's, hey, I want you guys to write a letter to your mom

And she may not be able to read it right now, but I want y'all to read it out loud. That's your homework assignment. And after you do that, I'll take us out for ice cream. But I want y'all to write a letter to mom, whether you miss her, whether you're mad, whether you're sad, whether you're frustrated, and give them a homework assignment that they have to do a thing in front of you. And they'll go, yes, so dumb. And one kid may write one sentence and one may write

everything's so wonderful. I hope you're doing good. And like, it may be totally divorced from what you're experiencing, but what you're doing is you're just giving them a glimpse that I'm your dad and I can hold it with you. That makes sense. Yeah. How does that sound? Does that scare you? Does that frustrate you? Does it, are you like, that's just stupid? Like talk to me. Um, I mean, I guess it's just, I guess it's scary. Um, tell me more about that.

I'm really good at making sure... Hey, real quick, Tim, your phone's breaking up real bad. All right. There we go. There it is. Now you're back. I guess I'm really good at making sure my kids get the things they need. So, like, you know, if they need something for school, they need to get somewhere, I am really good at that. I'm not so good at, like...

Talking about like how they're feeling and stuff. Okay. So talk about how you're feeling. Okay. And I love, dude, I love that your heart is, you want to give them what they need. And I guess what I would tell you now is what they need, not more than anything, because they need food and shelter and oxygen, right? They need that stuff. A great gift to them would be you saying, I have all of these bananas, crazy madhouse feelings in my chest, and I don't even know how to say them out loud.

And they may get really tense and look at you like with laser beam eyes. But dude, you are giving them permission, a permission they don't even know they need. Because I'll tell you on the back end, like I worked with 18 to 25 year olds for 20 plus years, okay? Their house blew up. Their mom is very, very sick. Their mom is alive and had a psychiatric break. So there's a human being that is their mother that is not their mother anymore.

They have a dad who loves them but has also been through hell after the divorce and before the divorce. They have that stuff piled up inside of them. It will come out, period, end of story. I promise you. Or they'll come up with some very sophisticated ways to keep it from coming out, like drinking, like alcohol, like trying to get a gold star and a gold star and a gold star.

or trying to just disappear and run from it but it will come out and so you while they're still in your home you giving them a picture of here's your big tough dad like dude they know you love them they know that but you giving them a picture guys i don't even know what to say right now i don't have the words to say that i'm just sad again i'm heartbroken again man dude i'm talking i mean you're that's like that's like change your family tree kind of stuff

And it's not a one shot. It's a, it's an overtime conversation. And maybe you say, I'll write a letter too. And we're all going to read them to each other. Dad, come on, man. I want to go. I know, but we're doing this. We're doing this thing. Yeah, I can do that. And maybe you tell him, I'm going to give this letter. Um, we're going to keep these letters in a box. And one day, um, if mom gets well, when mom gets well,

If mom gets well, we'll be able to give them to her and she'll be able to get a glimpse into what life was like while she was getting better. Yeah, I can do that. And maybe hearing them say, hearing you say, she's not my wife anymore, but she gave me the two greatest things in the whole wide world. You two. I still want the best for her. I still want her to be okay. And I'm sad too.

And here's the thing. You don't get this thing right. You won't say all the right things. You won't express all the right things. And that in and of itself is the most important lesson. That it's not how you do this. It's that you do this. You're getting real quiet on me. What are you thinking? I feel that they're hurting and I'm, I feel helpless, I guess. Okay. Yeah. Then, then let's, let's don't ask them to,

Let's just be the dad and run straight into their hurt. Because if they were bleeding, you'd run straight into that. If there's a broken arm, you'd run straight into that. If somebody in the yard was trying to hurt your kid, you'd run straight into that. Their hurt is just inside their chest. Run straight into it. And even if you run in saying, I don't know what to do, they'll have the permission to finally drop their shoulders. And I think you're onto something. I think you're reliving this with your dad. And maybe you write a letter to your dad and read that to your boys.

Dear dad, I miss you. Dear dad, you left too early. I'm both mad at you and I miss you and I need you right now. And give them a picture of what that looks like. But we're just teaching them that it's okay to be a man that provides, that takes care of, and that also has feelings too. We're going to feel these things and then we're going to go do the next right thing. And maybe the next right thing is let's go get ice cream. Maybe the next right thing is we're going to all go fishing. I don't know what y'all do together. Get some Red Sox tickets and

Boo Alex Bregman while you're there because he left the Astros. I don't know what you do, but I think you head directly into it. Thanks for the call, my brother. When we come back, a man wonders how to focus on his own happiness while supporting his wife's recovery.

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Go to joindeleteme.com slash Diloni today for 20% off an annual plan. That comes out to less than $9 a month. That's joindeleteme.com slash Diloni. All right, Kansas City, Kansas. Let's talk to Big D. What's up, David? How's it going, Dr. John? Doing all right, brother. What's up in your world, man? Well, so I kind of want to clarify my...

my question for you. I don't even know what it is. So, so let it rip. Okay. Sure. The team has it. Sure. So, so how do I start protecting the space that I need for my hobbies and interests without sacrificing my intentionality and my quality time with my wife, who is my newlywed, um, who just underwent brain surgery?

That's a lot, dude. That's kind of the short of it. I don't smoke, but I kind of want to have a cigarette with you right now. That's a lot going on. What happened? I don't smoke either, but I've been considering starting. Like what happened? Well, so I met my wife in December of 2023 and about eight months into our relationship.

We found out that she had a brain tumor, which was kind of like a crazy situation for us to be in because I was like, whoa, you know, like you're my girlfriend, but that's kind of a lot. And, you know, I'm going to need to like walk through this with you. And just that situation ended up being the catalyst of our relationship really taking off. So we ended up getting married about 14 months into our relationship. Before surgery or after?

Before, two months before. And so she just had her surgery at the beginning of April and everything went really, really well. And so now we're kind of in this situation now where it's like, okay, well, we have the whole rest of our lives.

to, you know, like focus on marital wise, because it was kind of like everything built up to this surgery that we had been expecting to happen for so long. And then it happened and she got, she got better and was like nearly fully recovered really, really, really quickly. Um, which was just like amazing and a miracle. But, um, like, um,

I guess in the process of that, our quality time together became everything. And every hobby and every interest that I had during the early months of our relationship and in the months leading up to her surgery,

And now for about the last month post-surgery, I've just realized, like, I don't really do the things that I used to enjoy doing anymore. Yeah. I mean, like, look, dude, you came up for air. Yeah. You've been trying to keep somebody alive.

Yeah. Like, are you, are you, is she mad at you or are you feeling weird? Like I know it's more than I'm feeling weird. In fact, she like is kind of, she kind of urges me to make sure that like, I kind of stopped neglecting my, uh,

desire to do the things that made me me before our relationship. And when we have those conversations, I'm like, yeah, you're right. I do still want to do those things. But it's almost like when she urges me to do that, it makes me want to do it less because it's like, oh, well, you care about me so much and I love you and I just want to keep spending as much time with you as possible.

And she enjoys that. It's not like I'm smothering her with, you know, our quality time, but it's just like, I feel like if I don't create a rhythm in our relationship where it's like, okay, well, you know, it's Saturday morning, which means I go play nine holes of golf. Um, you know, if I, if I don't start creating like a culture where that's normal for me, that it could lead to, um,

like me looking back on these prime years of my life with regret, like, Oh, I didn't do enough of this that I really enjoyed doing, or I haven't, you know, gone hiking or golfing or gotten together with my buddies and jammed for, you know, 20 years. And now look, I'm in my fifties and how old are you? I can't really do any 29. Okay. I did not start having what I would consider like atomic fun, uh,

Until I was in my 40s. Okay. And I know that sounds bananas, but I spent most of my 20s, like, I'd watch the fights with my buddies, and we all got together every Monday night, but most of the time I was at work and in grad school. Sure. All the time. All the time. All the time. And that laid a foundation that I didn't even know I was laying for the life I live right now.

And with AI coming, with what I think is going to be some workforce shocks coming, I am now consciously trying to think through and build a new foundation for what living in my 50s and 60s and 70s will look like. Okay. And so what I would tell you is you are putting way, way too much pressure on this moment right now. Okay. I don't know if this story will ring true with you.

But my buddy John, one of my best buddies in the world, he had his first daughter, Elise. And we got together every night, I mean, every Monday night for years. And then Elise came along. And then literally overnight, he quit hanging out with us. Yeah. And his wife, Jennifer, is one of my, I would consider one of my closest friends in the world. She, me and a couple other buddies were like, man, she's kind of the worst.

Like she had a kid and he can't even hang out one night. Right. And that went on one year, went on two years. And then a couple of years later, I had my first kid. And the last thing I wanted to do was go hang out with a bunch of idiots on Monday night. I want to sit on my couch and hold that kid. And I remember John and I were having a drink one night and I was like, Hey, why didn't you tell me that you weren't not hanging out with us? Your wife was awesome the whole time. And I'm like,

Why didn't you tell us that like you didn't want to hang out with us? You want to sit on the couch and just hold this lump of a human? And he smiled. I'll never forget this. He smiled real big and said, you wouldn't have understood until you held your own yourself. And so what I think you're experiencing is you love somebody and y'all got to dangle over the edge.

Like things got into focus for you that most people don't get into focus until their 50s or 60s or 70s or until they lose a parent or until, you know, a kid gets real sick or something. Y'all got to do that while you're dating, while you're engaged and at the very beginning of your marriage. And so really quickly, you got like a filter for crap that matters and crap that doesn't. Yeah. And you got a unexpected reordering of what you actually quote unquote like to do.

It's like telling somebody in your 20s, hey, if you get married right now as a 25-year-old, the best sex you will have is in your 40s, in your 50s. And they're like, gross, no. And you're just like, all right, when you get there, just holler back at me. And similarly, like telling you, like telling your 25-year-old self, you're going to want to sit on the couch and just watch old Brooklyn Nine-Nine reruns with this girl that you just married.

more than you want to play golf. And you're going to be like, okay, whatever, dude. And then here it is. Does that make sense? Yeah, no, it makes perfect sense. So give yourself permission just to smile. You know what I'm doing tomorrow? What's that? I have no idea. I don't know. I may go fishing. I may go mow real quick because I'm going to be on the road again next week.

I may hang out with my wife. I may just, my daughter's into this thing she calls yard fight, which sounds like a YouTube channel, but she's like, dad, yard fight now. And we turn the sprinklers on and we get out in the front yard and we wrestle. And I'm sure people are recording that on their phones. Like whatever, like I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow because I'm going to see what's the best way I can love my wife tomorrow and what's the funnest opportunities we got and what's something I may want to do and we'll figure that out this evening. Yeah, that sounds beautiful.

And my buddy Ben right here, he's running the board. We're in a band together, and we're going to start jamming in a few weeks. Okay. Right? And I still love playing music. I still have way too many guitars for a guy that doesn't play as many shows as I would like to. And a couple times a year, we get together and we rock out, and it's so fun. Yeah. So I'm interested in the pressure you're putting on yourself. You've almost taken yourself to 55 and looked back. Yeah.

Yeah, I have. Well, who is telling me that they missed a big part of their life or the quote unquote best years of my life? It's well, nobody is telling me that. I think that like what? OK, so everything you just said resonates a lot with me and like the the story that you told me.

about your friend is very relevant to my life. I, I got married and there are friends that I had the day before I got married that like, I, you know, got married one day and like have hardly kind of almost spoken to anybody. And, you know, I can definitely probably tell that on their end, they think like, Oh, you know, like, um, he used to be

you know, like in regular communication with us and would hang out all the time and do this and do that. And we don't know if we're ever going to see him again. And by the way, you will, you will. I, I know I will, but like at the same time, I like almost like in a weird way, like don't care. Yes. Yes. And y'all will get, somebody will say, Hey, I miss everybody. Let's all get together. The other night I did an event in Fort Worth.

And a lot of my buddies drove up from that. One of my buddies, Christian, I haven't seen him in 20 years. And dude, we all got it. We were in my hotel room and we all sit around and we all took food and stuff up from the bar downstairs. And we laughed until one in the morning. Everybody brought their wives up. It's different. We told old stories. I mean, it was like we just fell right into place. Yeah. And so it was awesome, but it is different. And if we hung out every week, they would be sick of me in about a month.

I would be like, all right, guys, I got to go home. It's just you're experiencing the natural change of life. Sure. And here's the deal. Some of my closest, like I hung out with them every day, all the time, and then I got married, and then we hung out less, and then we hung out less, and I still love them. I still text them every once in a while. We call each other. We see each other once every few years. It's awesome. I love having them in my life, but my relationships have changed, and it's cool to just be kind of bummed out about that. Yeah.

It's seasons, man. Yeah, for sure. I'm just proud of you, like, as just a, like, just guy to guy. Like, that's a, that's a Herculean task to walk with your fiance, girlfriend, fiance, and then wife through brain surgery, man. And say, however this comes out, I'm going to be right here. We don't have that picture of love much. We have a picture of it doesn't feel good. And you're like, no, no, I'm going to be right here. That's amazing, man. Yeah, thank you. Oh, I...

I am interested, and this is just a question for you guys to explore later on, okay? I am interested in, and I say this all loving with a smile on my face, maybe your wife would like some alone time, and she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. And so she's like, hey, why don't you go play with your friends? Why don't you go play golf?

And so maybe asking the question, and this is like, okay, now we have, we already, y'all already have marriage 2.0 because you got married and then you went to brain surgery and then she came out and then she's well. And now y'all are looking at like, oh dude, we made it. Like we're in this ride or die. Y'all are already in marriage 2.0. Maybe taking her out and saying, all right, we're in marriage 2.0. We get to do whatever we want to do with this marriage. Question number one.

How can I best love you when it comes to free time? I've been all over everything and give her permission to say, man, Saturday mornings, I just like waking up with coffee and I get quiet listening to my old tunes. I would love just to have three or four hours. I love you. I love you. I love you. And maybe she doesn't have permission in her own heart and mind to say, I love you and I want some private time.

And you may go, oh, boo, I'd rather hang out with you. And you might have to call the guys back and be like, you guys want to go fishing? Because it's your second alternative. But it's just rebuilding this. How do we tell each other what we want in this particular season that we're in? I think it's amazing. But, dude, I think you're in the right place at the right time. Don't already get to 55 and look back and try to reverse engineer how you're going to feel when you're 50.

That's tough. Just do the next right thing. And for you, right now, the next right thing is, I just like hanging out with you, so I'm going to do that. The next right thing might be, I'm going to go fishing with the guys. And you know what? You're probably going to have fun with them too. It's awesome. Just be where your feet are right now. Good call, my brother. We come back. A man wonders if he should end his engagement over being her second choice.

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Living the dream. Anytime somebody says that, it's like everything's falling apart. What's up, man? Not much. I'll just give you a call. I've been tuning into your show for quite a bit now, and I really like the advice you give. Appreciate it, man. I've listened to a lot of your videos looking for just a lot of things that have helped me in my life that I've implemented and have been great.

from your advice. And, you know, recently, about a year ago, almost a year now, I decided to propose to my fiancé. You do? My fiancé.

Yeah, and I've known her since high school. We went to high school together about 10 years back or so. And I've, man, she's been my crush since then, since the day that I met her. I constantly tell her, you know, I try to hit on her since all four years, basically. And even after, it never really quite panned out. And then out of nowhere, last year, I just out of the blue decided to text her on Instagram.

And we just connected. We clicked and things just went great. I was living in Kentucky at the time and I decided to move back to California, both for family reasons and to be closer to her. And that's when I popped the question in February of this year, sorry, September of last year, and then finally got her family's permission this February. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is

This whole time that we've known each other, I've always wanted something with her. But I've never, you know, it felt like I was just never the right guy for her up until now. And I'm having a really tough time feeling like she's, you know, like I'm her second or third choice, really. We've had the conversation of our past relationships, of what we want out of this relationship and all of that stuff. And a lot of that's prompted by conversations that you've had with other callers.

But I've also heard you say that if you can't get over, you know, those pictures of her being with somebody else in your mind, you have to let her go. When can I make the choice of I can't get over this or if I or how can I figure out if I can't even get over that? I mean, you can. The choice is do you want to?

Anybody can. Anybody can. Right. It's you just have to decide, do I want this? And I think there's an important reframe here. You say like, I wasn't the guy for her. You're looking at all of this from like a one down position. I instantly, when you're telling me the story, the note I just wrote down was no, no, no, no, no. She wasn't the right girl for you yet.

She had to go explore and figure out who she was, what she thought that she wanted, maybe what her mom was always telling her, what she needed. And then she had to go like, all right, mom, or her friends or her community or her abuela, who knows? But she went through these adventures. She went through these dark nights of the soul, and she came out to the side and she picked you. And so she wasn't ready.

Oh, geez. I never thought about it. And by the way, you weren't ready either. A hundred percent. Yeah, no, she even told me the reason why she never actually gave me a chance. I was not only talking to her at the time. Of course. Yeah, and so here's the deal. You probably heard me say this a lot. Bro, you're not confident in you. Where does that come from, man?

Oh, dude. This is crazy. I think this has nothing to do with her. I think it has nothing to do with you. No, 100%. I was in therapy for a bit. I had to get out because of financial situations. The whole move back took a lot of financial strain on me. So I'm working to get back on therapy. No, you're already circling it around. You're already circling it around. Come straight through it with me. So far, we've been landing on that. No, no, no, not we. Why don't you like Tony?

Sounds a little bit silly when I say it out loud, but... Say it, man. I'm not judging nothing. Well, you know, my dad left when I was a kid. Yeah? And ever since then, I've been looking for someone... Well, I've never felt like I was good enough for anybody to like Tony. Of course. You know why? Why? Why? Because the man that made me didn't love me enough. Damn right. And can I say something else? That's on him, not you. Your old man left because something was going on with him, not you.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no. You didn't hear it. Your dad left because something was going on inside of him, not because of you. And here's what I'm telling you right now. I don't like going to work some days because I want to hang out with my 15-year-old son. And I'm not ashamed or embarrassed about that. I like the young man he's becoming. I like him. I don't like to go to work some days because I like wrestling with my 9-year-old little girl and listening to whatever crazy story she's coming up with.

And I'm not special. I'm just a dad who loves his kids. But your old man bounced because of him, not you. Yeah. I guess I just never thought this could have anything to do with my relationship. You know, I mean. Yes, because here's why. Here's the problem, Tony. You got it. You got the thing you have been fantasizing over for a decade. And what you're realizing is it didn't fill that hole in the center of your chest.

Because you're still a little nine-year-old little boy asking, Dad, what is so bad about me that you left? Oh, Jesus, that applies to everything else. It's that I'm not happy with my job. Okay, I didn't hear what you said. What? I said, does that apply to everything else? Of course. That's why you move jobs. That's why you move across the country. And the moment you move back to California, you already had your eyes on something else, right?

Yep. I'm always looking for the next thing, the next high. You're trying to get something from out there to fill up what's in here. And at some point, you're going to have to sit down and sit down and crisscross applesauce and face that nine-year-old little you, that four-year-old little you. And you could do this in your mind. I've had grown men sit on the floor so they can get the eye line that they had when they were six when their dad left.

I've had grown men sit on the floor and write a letter to talk out loud, but you're going to have to address that six-year-old little boy and let that homie go play because he's still sitting in the driveway saying, Daddy, come back. I'll do better next time. Exhale real quick. When did your dad leave? He knows four. Okay. Close your eyes right now where you're sitting. Mm-hmm.

Picture you at four. Were you a chubby little kid? Were you a skinny little kid? What were you at four? I was a scrawny little kid. All right, scrawny little kid. Picture him at the very edge of the driveway of your childhood house. Mm-hmm. What kind of car did old man drive? Old white Lexus ES. Okay. Picture the brake lights coming on that car at the end of the street as he's turning right off that block. Yeah.

and picture yourself yelling while you're holding a little teddy bear or a baseball mitt. Dad, where are you going? And then from the front porch, I want you to see that little boy and I want you to see his shoulders drop and I want you to see his head drop. Man, that hurts. I know. But that's where the pain is, brother.

How do I even begin to address that? - You write that little boy a letter tonight, not on an app and not on a text message, but you write, get out a piece of paper and write him a letter. Dads don't leave boys. And dad was sick, dad was troubled, dad had his own demons. 'Cause that's the only reason dads leave their boys. And then you tell that little Tony, I love you. And how old are you now, brother?

26. You tell them 22 years from now, you're not going to believe this, but we're going to be stronger. And we're going to have found an amazing woman that's going to spend the rest of her life with us. And we moved back to California because we just didn't like keeping all of our paycheck. And we wanted to give some more to the government. So we moved back to California. Yeah. We didn't like paying half for our home in Kentucky. So we decided to double our house payment, whatever. Oh, geez. Here's the thing. You're going to let that four-year-old little boy who's

Heart is just exploded in his chest. You're going to let him know you don't see it yet, four-year-old Tony. But I grow up bigger and stronger, and I'm okay. We made it. We did okay. Yeah, we did. We did. And we got a long way to go, right? Yeah. Okay. Still got a long way to go. This woman that you're going to marry is not going to heal you. She didn't sign up for that, but she did sign up to walk with you.

Yeah. Yeah, she's a saint. Your job's not going to heal you, but your job will provide money for you to build the life you want to build, and hopefully it's a life that has peace in it and has joy in it and has as few demons as possible in it so that when you have a little boy, you know I'm never going to leave that boy. Yeah. Right? Yeah, 100%. But when you get itchy...

And what I mean by that, you know what I mean by that. People who don't, don't, aren't always looking over the, over the line, don't understand that line, but you know what I mean when you get itchy.

Yeah. Yeah. When you start wanting to apply for a job, when you start wanting to look at another house and you start like scrolling Instagram to be like, I think I want to get a zero down rental property. Cause I want to be a just right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I flip cars. Of course you do. Yeah. I'm looking for the next car. Of course you are. You're probably scrolling on it right now. Are you talking to me? Facebook market. Yeah.

All of that is a drug. Trying to make that little boy feel better. Maybe if I make this much money, maybe if I get this girl, maybe if I get a house that looks like this, then at some point my dad will... Maybe if I get this title. That's right. Then my dad will call. He's never going to call, brother. Yeah. He won't call that call. I'm proud of you. That call, dude, I failed you. That call's never going to come.

And that should break your heart. It should break the heart of every young man, every old man, every boy, every man I know is desperate for his old man to call him, not text him, call him and say, hey, I don't tell you this enough. I'm so proud of you. Call is not going to come. And so masculinity in the 21st century is a bunch of men desperate for their old man's approval that it's not going to come forever.

And then what do we have to do? We have to go do the next right thing and begin to say, okay, where do I find value and worth? And it comes from the inside out. I'm a good man because I do the next right thing. When a picture of your future wife, your fiance pops in your head of her with some other guy you went to high school with, you have a choice in that moment. Am I going to meditate on this? Am I just going to focus on it? Am I going to be that little boy at the front of the driveway just thinking about it? Nope. Nope.

I'm going to have a picture in my mind all ready to go. And when that picture zaps in my mind of her holding hands with somebody, I'm going to go, nope. And I'm going to think of that picture. I might even carry one in my back pocket just to pull it out of you and her laughing, smiling. She made you sit through one of those stupid photo like things you'll have to do. Put one of those in your back pocket, but that one on your phone. So you pull it. I'm going to focus on this. And here's what my promise to you is, brother. If you will do that,

If you will set a dedicated time from 4.30 to 5.30 p.m. every day, that's when I look at cars. And I'm going to feel itchy and awkward the other 23 hours because I'm going to choose to get off this drug. And the drug is something out there will make me feel better in here. Here's my promise to you. Over time, your default setting will begin to shift.

that itch will go away. And then you'll have to stand in the awkwardness of, I don't know how to be a husband because the guy that was supposed to model that for me bailed. So new wife, I'm going to screw this up and I need you to continue to come back to the table to me and remind me that you love me. And then I'm going to say, I'm sorry, I'm going to go do the next right thing. That's powerful. You get what I'm saying? And I know no therapist told you this, and I'm sorry that they just want to sit here and listen and tell you all the old stories. There is a path out of this brother. And it is not fun.

Because you're going to feel itchy a lot, especially for the first six months. Right when you're about to apply for a new job, just don't. Just don't. Ask yourself, what would make me the best damn employee at this place where I work right now? Go do that for six months. It will change you from the inside out. Roger that. Fair? That's fair.

And it's not like I don't have any experience with it. No, no. I mean, yeah, my therapist was great, but you know, it was just a lot of listening. I did want, you know, I did want a good talking to, and I do appreciate it, doctor. I haven't been as proud of a young man as I am of you right now.

Thank you, doc. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. Hey, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with some wedding gifts, okay? I'm going to hook you up with both of my books. I'm going to hook you up with Financial Peace University so you and your wife can start and get your money right as you get out of the gate because most couples just fall apart because of money issues. I want you all to get on the same page with your money, and I'm going to send you every dollar, the premium version, for free for a year.

Okay? That way y'all have the same app and y'all can do your money together. When y'all get that squared away, it's going to force y'all to have conversations about who we want to be together. It's going to help you out. Cool? Cool, cool, man. Thank you so much. All right, man. Thanks, Tony. Appreciate you, brother. Appreciate you.

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All right, we're back. We have a money and marriage question about sex. All right. Here's a money marriage question. By the way, money marriage question. Me and my friend Rachel Cruz do a weekend marriage retreat in Nashville twice a year. And it's always...

packed there's always a couple thousand people in there that's probably too much just it's six or seven hundred couples that come together plus all the people who are working the event but they come and spend a weekend together and it's intense but there's a anonymous question box that just gets loaded up and so what i decided to do is start answering some of those questions on this show so um because i don't get to every single one of them in the weekend

So here's the question. We read Emily's book about female sexuality, talking about Emily Nagatsuki's book, Come As You Are, which I, at this point, I think it's the best book on female sexuality, but also the best educational book out there. This woman writes, he still sees, her husband still sees our lack of sex as a you problem. How do I discuss that I still need his help? So, sheesh. I, I,

What you're asking me is not a sex question. You're asking me a question of how can I tell my husband what I want and have him actually listen to me? And the only thing I can, the only advice I can give you is the old business adage, clear is kind or to be unclear is to be unkind. And so it might be very unsexy, very, very un-Hollywood.

But it's you getting with yourself and saying to yourself and writing this stuff down. I am unable to feel sexy when there's clothes piled up everywhere. I do not have space in my mind to think about sex, to think about intimacy, to think about getting busy with my partner, with my husband.

When I'm carrying 50 dental dentist appointments and doctor appointments and this yard guys coming and I got to pay this and I got to figure out this. Oh, yeah, I'm still working full time to go through a list and be very clear for yourself. And here's what you're going to find. Either you're going to find you have a ton of stuff in your mental load that you need to be very clear with him. Yes, it would be Hollywood for him to just know that.

You know what? She always is doing all the dentists. I don't even know what time our kids get out of school. I don't even know where their dentist is. I'm going to sit down and ask her about it. That'd be great. He's not going to do that because he's thinking about the end of time and the apocalypse and do you all have enough meat in the freezer? Everybody's carrying around these mental load things. Sit down and be very clear. Be very, very clear. I don't want to get too into my house. I've made a commitment not to get too deep down the rabbit hole in my house.

But it was a revelation to me that my wife had a picture in her mind about what a good wife is. And that is a clean kitchen. I didn't know that. And so anytime I was like, oh, yeah, there was still this running loop, this running script. Yeah, but a good wife has a. And so I took it personally. Do we have an hour? We have two hours. Let's go on a date. Let's go out. And it's like, well, I got to clean the kitchen.

I didn't realize, I took that personally. It had nothing to do with me. And so sitting down and saying some of those stories you tell yourself, here's what I want so that I can create the space. And also you might find you don't shower. I want you to trim up. You don't have a job and I'm not attracted to you. You play video games all day. I don't respect you. You just come in four beers in and you're like, hey, let's, and I'm not attracted to that. But sitting down and writing this stuff down,

For you is important. Clear as kind, not hinting like, well, you know, if I had some help around here, not going to get that map. We need a clearer map. Is that annoying? Yes. Is that, oh my, he should know. Fine. But that's the path. The second thing is you have to have the courage to sit down and read it to him. And then the third thing is, is you have to live in the reality that he may say, I'm not doing that. And then the true challenges in your marriage will be revealed.

It could be that you don't feel safe enough to say what you really want and really need to have taken off your plate for this other thing to have room in there because he won't hear you. He'll weaponize it. He'll make fun of you. And if that's the case, you'll have to go to a marriage therapist immediately and deal with that. Or it could be

You're him hauling around and you haven't been super clear. Like we read Emily's book about stop signs and, and green lights and gas pedals and brakes. We did all that, but you know, I was kind of like, I'm going to be super clear because clear is kind. And then I'm going to be very clear about here's what I need to have space. Here's what I want to have in the house. Help wise, emotionally, um,

And then this gives me space to exhale and then begin to think about feeling beautiful. Think about hooking up with you. Think about being intimate, all those things. So that's my challenge. And if he weaponizes what you want, if he weaponizes your vulnerabilities, what you put on the table, then y'all have much, much bigger issues. Hopefully, he's like most of the men I know that when they get a roadmap, they're like, oh, thank God. And again, I want to reiterate this. Is that Hollywood? Nope.

Is that the way it should be? No, whatever. That's the way it is. Let's start trafficking in reality. Put that on the table. So great, great, great question. Hopefully that answer helps.

If you have some more money marriage type questions, send them on in. JohnDelaney.com slash ask. We've got about a thousand backlogged questions, but if you've got a good one, drop it in there along with some cool things that are going on in your life because I do want to inject some positivity in the world on a regular basis and some am I the problem questions. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Don't do drugs. See you soon.