Shownotes Transcript
I discovered that my mother was having an affair and I found a box of condoms in my car after she borrowed them. From your mom? Yeah, I had to confront her on it. Dude, hold on. How old are you? I'm 20. Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. What's going on? What up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your...
Relationships. Man, it's tough to be in relationships these days. Whether you're dating, you're trying to date, or trying to figure out how to be married in a culture that is obsessed with you not being married very well. Man, trying to raise kids in a sideways world.
trying to, man, deal with in-laws, all of it. Or if you're dealing with your mental and emotional health or you're dealing with all of that in a big cocktail, that's what this show is about. Me sitting with whoever you happen to be all over the world, hurting people everywhere, trying to figure out what's the next right move for me to make. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K-L-E-N-D-E-L-O-N-E.
and fill out the form and send it in, and we will see if we can build a show with you in it. I'd love to have you on the show, for real. For those of you who've been brave and joined me, thank you so, so much. And for everybody who has hit the subscribe buttons or been listening to us just quietly in the shadows for all those years, thank you so, so much for being in the gang. All right, let's go out to New York and talk to, hey, Joey. What's up, Joey? How's it going, Dr. John? Doing all right, brother. What's up, man?
So I discovered that my mother was having an affair. At first she kind of tried to deny and lie about it. And she just said, you know, it was a one-time thing, but it was pretty clear cut that the evidence was there. And it came to a boiling point where she finally admitted it and came out with the truth. But how did, obviously my father's very distraught by this. How did he find out? I hope.
She borrowed my car, and I found a box of condoms in my car after she borrowed them. Oh, God. After she borrowed the car. From your mom? Yeah, I had to confront her on it. Dude, hold on. No. How old are you? I'm 20. Bro. Yeah, man. Nobody should find a box of condoms after their mom borrowed their car, dude. Yeah, man. I'm smiling, but it's like out of horror for you. It was...
I went into a state of just shaking and I felt like a ghost as soon as I saw it. I was like, this can't be real. Yeah, I mean, I'm thinking that now. There's no way. That can't be real. I mean, the whole thing just feels like a nightmare. How did your dad find out?
So I gave her the ultimatum. I said, good on you, brother. Good for you. Either you tell her or I said, either you tell him or I'm going to tell him. Good. I'm not living with that on my conscience. Yes. You're a person of integrity. Good call, man. Excellent. Well done, brother. So, you know, she ended up telling him a couple of days later. And, uh, but those couple of days just, I couldn't even look at my dad in the eyes. He, he could feel something was wrong. And, uh,
It was just, it was horrible on me. It still is. And obviously now he's very distraught and struggling because she continued to lie about it after I discovered it and just said, you know, it was a one-time thing. But then we found more evidence that it was clearly not just a one-time thing. And, you know, the phone calls, the text messages were pretty clear cut.
This had been going on for a little over a month, maybe two months. Yeah. So, brother, I'm just going to tell you right out of the gate. I'm sorry. Thank you. 20-year-olds are not supposed to find condoms in their car after their mom borrows it. Like, that's not supposed to happen. No. On 50 different levels. And, brother, I got to applaud you. Your mom put you in an impossible situation, which is –
At some level hey this the fate of this family staying together now rests on you 20 year old joey And that is stone cold unfair and you did the right thing by saying hey you have this much time and i'm not gonna I'm, not gonna contribute to the lack of integrity in this house by also me becoming a liar in the process not gonna do it Right i'm proud of you I'm, so proud of you dude because I know that's hard because it's also your mother no matter how gross and like Weirded out this is it's also your mom, right?
Yeah. All right. So how can I help, man? What can I do for you? I mean, I guess how to like, I've been trying to help my, like, honestly, more out of it than anything. I'm more distraught from my dad because, you know, they've been together for over 30 years. You can't carry it, brother. You can't carry it. He's struggling so much. And my family, like my brothers and all that, they're all struggling with it too. I know. But listen, you can't carry this.
Like they're a 30-year married couple. They're what, 50 or 60 years old? Yep. Yeah. You can't carry this. You're 20. I don't mean to kick you while you're down. I couldn't carry this for my parents. They have to be grown adults and do the next right thing for them to stay well individually and to decide, do we want to stay married? And if we do, what is that going to look like? And you cannot participate in that. Okay. You can love your dad and you can say, dad,
I'll go have a drink with you. Well, you can't drink yet, but I'll go have coffee with you. I'll go get a bagel in New York with you. I'll go do whatever with you. But I'm not going to talk about mom. That's for you and your counselor. That's for you and your buddies. That's for you and your pastor. That's for you and whoever. But he's got to have adult friends that he can lean on and adult professionals to lean on. He can't burden his 20-year-old son with this.
Yep. Okay. And I know that makes you feel the one thing that all men, especially 20-year-olds, are taught to avoid at all costs, and that is feeling powerless. And men are taught when you feel powerless, you just start swinging. When you feel powerless, you just start jawing. When you feel powerless, you just start shooting. When you feel powerless, you just start drinking. And so the biggest challenge you're going to have is keeping your wits about you and doing the next right thing for a while. Yep.
Not trying to drink this away, not trying to ignore this away, not trying to lie this away, but also not trying to solve it. It's just this uncomfortable tension that's just going to be for a while. And dude, you didn't do anything to cause it. I'm sorry it happened. Yeah.
Are you living at home? That's kind of the biggest thing. I've told my dad, I've already explained to him, I said, you know, I'm always here for you. I get you have emotion because he's like, I feel sorry that you guys have to go through this. And I said, man, it's not your fault. And whatever your decision, whatever going forward it is, I'm here for you. I support you in whatever it is that you want to do moving forward with this. And let me tell you, that's a great blessing you give to your dad.
Yeah. That I'll love you no matter what. You want to keep this marriage together, I'm going to love you. And you say, I'm out, I'm going to love you. Yeah. That's a great blessing. You are wise beyond your years, my man. It's an honor to get to talk to you. Likewise. But what I don't want you to do is this will start welling up after the initial smoke wears away. And right now you mentioned it feels like you're a ghost, like you're in a fog. It will turn to anger and rage. Okay? Okay.
And what I want you to be very careful of is what you do when you're angry. Yeah, I already kind of went through that because I found out who the guy was. And like you said, I tried to be more wise than that. I decided, you know, that's just pure emotion. And once I let that emotion get over, I was like, all right, what's the next step? I'm not going to do anything to this guy because what's that going to do for anyone? Nothing. It's going to put you in jail. That's it. Exactly. Right.
Now, if your dad calls and says, we got to bury a body, that's another, I'm just kidding. Don't do that. All right, but here's the deal. Are you living at home? I am. All right. It's time to move out. It's time to find a place to go. Are you in school? No, that's kind of one of the biggest things is like I was working and then recently it's the winter time. So I was working construction. My job stopped. I'm kind of looking for something else now. So that was already something that I was dealing with personally.
and trying to figure out what's my next step. And then this got thrown. Okay. I think it might be time for a grand adventure. Are you good at construction? Pretty decent. Yeah. Well, here's what I know about you. You're a person of high, high wisdom and high integrity at 20 years old. You've either, you either went through some crap as a kid or your parents raised you really well. Which one is it? A little bit of both. A little bit of both. Okay. You've seen the world. Fair? Sure. Yeah. You've seen some stuff?
Yep. All right. I don't want you to lose that wisdom. And it might be that you get one of your brothers and you say, hey, let's move to Texas for a year and let's just work construction. They're building solar panel farms like crazy. Let's go get on one of those crews and let's get in a part. Let's go on an adventure. I'm 20 years old. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?
I was kind of thinking about getting out of construction and doing something different like sales or get on it. What would your thoughts be on that? I'd say go knock your lights out. If you'll hang on the phone, I'm going to hook you up as my free gift. I'm going to hook you up with my buddy. Uh, Ken Coleman wrote a book, um, work you're wired to do, and it's got a career assessment in there. I'm going to get that for you for free. I'm also going to send you his book. Um, it was the number one bestseller. It's called the proximity principle. Um,
And basically it's an end around. It just teaches you how to put yourself in conversations and around people that can enlighten you to the next step. And if you want to get into sales, here's the thing. The whole world moves at the speed of sales. If you're good at selling and you're a person of wisdom and you're a person of integrity, bro, the world is yours. Yep.
And so if there's somebody on your construction team that does the sales part of the job, you may come in and say, man, I think I want a future in sales. If you don't mind being told no a lot, you don't mind being uncomfortable, you're clearly pretty good at navigating that. Bro, the world can be yours. Yeah. Or just go get a job in retail, man. You're not doing anything anyway. Go get a job at two different retail places and just work on sales.
Go get a job in a car dealership and go get a job at a department store, man. And you're not going to make a jillion dollars, but you're going to slowly see how commission works. You're going to slowly see how sales work. You're going to slowly see how telling the truth to a customer when you could get a little bit more out of this one sale. But over time, you're going to get a bunch more if you tell the truth. And you, as a salesperson, you're focused on one thing, helping other people. There's that old Zig Ziglar quote. If you help enough people, you don't have to worry about money. That's going to be you. Yeah. Right? Yep.
Brother, the world can be your oyster, but I want you to begin to think about what is life outside of this house and get one or two of your brothers and you all go begin to make your fortune somewhere and just continue to be wise and people of high integrity. Don't borrow money. Don't put yourself, don't chain yourself to somebody else. So you have to do what they say every day and then go get it. I guess the only other thing with that is I, I worry about right now is leaving my dad and leaving him alone too. He's a grown man.
He's a 50 or 60 year old man. If he had heart trouble or he'd had a hip replacement or he had just had a stroke and he needed hands on deck, I could see some 20 year old muscle. I can see a 20 year old saying, hey, I'm going to take six months of my life off and I'm going to walk alongside my old man when he gets back on his feet. But what he needs right now, I'm saying this with all love in my heart, you can't give him.
Yeah, it's just hard seeing him broken and seeing him upset. I've never seen that. It's hard. Yeah, yeah. It's the hardest thing in the world. There's a moment in all of us when our dads become human. It's really hard to watch.
that's what I told him he said I feel selfish for letting you see this and I said dad you're human he gave you a great gift because one day someone's going to break your heart one day someone's going to cheat you one day someone's going to hurt you and you're going to be able to draw back on this and go hold on it's okay for a season to just drop my shoulders and weep it's okay to be devastated for a season
There would be something wrong with your old man if he got up the next day after finding out his wife of 30 years was cheating on him and he found out the way he found out. And he was like, oh, that's cool, man. Got to go make that buck. There'd be something wrong with him. The right thing is that he's devastated because he loved hard, right? It's been tough because both me and him, we can't eat and we can't sleep. Yeah. And that's what I say. That's what I say with all love and respect. I want you to get out of that environment because you need to see the sun come up again.
Yeah. And you need to see, you need to hear the birds chirping again. Yeah. And you need to see a customer smile because you came in their life and you helped them with a problem. And they showed you appreciation for that help by giving you money. Yeah. Right? Yeah. And he needs to go talk to a counselor, your old man. He needs to go talk to a couple of close friends. But you can't, you can't bear the weight of that adult marriage on the back of your 20-year-old shoulders. And that's not, that's not something wrong with you. That's just reality. Right. Right. Right.
Is that cool? That's cool. Brother, hang on the line. I'm hooking up with a couple of free things. And I just want to tell you again, it's been a high honor to get to talk to you. I don't get to talk to many 20-year-olds that are this high wisdom and that are this high integrity. Keep those two things. Keep those two things. Never lose them. Okay, brother? Thank you. All right, man. You call me anytime. You call me anytime. Thank you. All right, brother. Kelly, before I go to break, I don't even have the words. Yeah, no one should ever have to. No, of course not.
Well, none of that. None of that. That's all. Just none of that. We come back. A wife and mother of four wonders, do I just need to put my sexual needs on the back burner? Stay tuned.
All right, let's talk about delete me. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. We can all pretend that scrolling and emailing and buying things online and everything that we watch on the digital devices we all have, we can just pretend that we can go about our lives as though every single thing we do isn't being monitored and that our personal information aren't being taken and sold to scumbags on the internet. But...
Pretending it's not real doesn't make it true. The truth is the digital world is the wild west, and it's a place where your information is bought and sold and stolen without you ever knowing. Think about it. Have you ever gotten a sketchy email that somehow knew way too much about you? Or have you ever had your phone blow up with robocalls? That's not bad luck.
Your personal information is everywhere on the internet and spammers and scammers are hungry to cash in on it unless you do something. And that's why I use and recommend Delete Me. They scour the internet to find your data and they remove it from those creepy data broker websites.
They've reviewed over 35,000 sites for me and removed my data from hundreds of them, which saved me countless hours. And when you sign up with Delete Me, it's decluttering your digital life and removing a source of anxiety at the same time.
So stop scammers and spammers before the problems start and take back control with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all of the Delete.me plans. That comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney right now. That's join, J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash deloney.
All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months free
for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallo.com. That's H-A-L-L-O-W. hallo.com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, let's go out to Boise, Idaho and talk to Megan. What's up, Megan? Hey. What's up? It's all good. So basically, my big question is...
is mine and my husband's sexual differences pertaining to, um, I have a high sex drive. He does not do do medical reasons. And that's a big issue within our marriage, mostly on my side. Um, and so I'm right now trying to see whether or not it is worth the energy anymore to, to,
try and get my husband hopefully along the same line as me or at least try to put effort into it. I can almost hear the shame in your question. Yeah. I'm not proud of it. Of course I'm not. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is your body. Yeah. It's been over 10 years. Yeah.
Total. And we have kids and, you know, I understand the stress, of course. We have four children. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You're just going to talk it out. Talk it out. Just sit with it for a second, okay? I can hear it on you. I can hear it on you. Yeah. Have you done dumb things over the last 10 years? Yes. To be honest, I have. And I have come clean about those. What's happened?
It gets to the point where it becomes such a big buildup and I feel in a way abandoned, even though I've communicated and my husband's aware of my sex drive to where I've gotten so frustrated. I have stepped out on my marriage and infidelity has happened. I'm not at all dismissing it. I know it's not right, but I'm just...
sometimes kind of getting in the point of, is it fair for me just to be told that, well, this is just how it is. So just deal with it or. I think, I think both things are true. I think both things are true. Okay. No, I don't, I don't ever believe, um, outside of yes, some serious, uh, physical challenges. Okay. I don't ever believe in any marriage around any issue.
The phrase, it's just how I am. Yeah. I don't ever think that's okay. And I don't think it's okay to cheat either. Yeah. And I'm not happy of it. I know, I know, I know. But A, I want you to fully own it. And I'll even go as far to, I don't want to put words in your mouth, but due to your frustration and due to your heartbreak and due to feeling like you're being rejected, you became somebody you never thought you would become.
Exactly. But I've also, since going through all this, I've come to terms that in a lot of ways, I wasn't really raised per se with a very healthy, you know, setup pertaining to relationships. I know, I know. But you're already going back to, well, it's actually how I was raised. It's actually how I'm being treated. No. Listen, all the way to the beginning. I heard it right when you called. I just want you to sit with it for a second.
Yeah. Okay. And there's a ton of reasons and we'll talk about some of them, but there's so much deflecting going on. Yeah. Just sit with it for a second. You're in a marriage that you go home to every day. You got four kids, you said, so you got a house of chaos. Yeah. And you're looking at somebody in the storm saying, will you come meet me here in the storm? And he says, no, I ain't coming.
That is sometimes how I feel. Okay. Now, let's dig into the truth of that. Tell me about his medical condition. I want to obviously respect him. Don't apologize for it. Just go straight. He's not... So, he has ED, but it's not due to testosterone. It's due to a blood flow issue. Okay.
He himself, like we sat down and talked about this on multiple occasions, and it just seems that we always go slowly back into the same thing. But I have communicated to him that, you know, while I'm understanding and I don't, I'm not angry at him for having this medical condition, you know, I still have pain.
needs as well and that you know always kind of turns into him taking that extremely defensively which is understanding and him being like well I feel like you are saying that I wanted this issue what has he done what has he done to try to solve the issue
He has gone to a doctor in a male's clinic. That's where we got his testosterone checked, and he's fine there. But with that, that's where we found out as well the kind of type of ED he has. So has he tried Cialis or has he tried any of those medications over the years?
The easy ones? Yeah. Yeah, he's tried medication through like hymns and stuff. We've tried Viagra and things still aren't really working to where it's slightly building up again in a form of also slight frustration and resentment somewhat because during our, obviously our intimate times, you know, he's able to,
because I have to give so much attention to him, he's able to be fully satisfied in ways where I'm not because I have to be understanding of his situation.
And so I feel slight, you know, buildup overall due to the fact that we're not able to physically have it very often. But also in the times that we do, I, in a lot of ways, feel unsatisfied because I'm not able to be taken care of due to that. Can I throw another option out there? Yes. I think there's another option.
I've brought up sex therapy and he's open to it. Hold on. I think there's another option here beneath it. Because if he was struggling with ED, which is a increasingly common phenomenon for a million different reasons. Yeah. And A, he looked at you and was like, I don't come hell or high water. I'm going to every doctor in the country to solve this problem because I want to be with you.
And on the nights when his body just wasn't working as he wanted it to, he was singularly focused on making sure there's not going to be an orgasm gap in my house, which is the literature name for it that's happening all across the country. The orgasm gap is well known, right? Yeah. And it was completely focused on, all right, it's not working for me tonight, but you're about to have the night of your life and we're going to go again tomorrow, right? If that was happening...
My guess is you're, you wouldn't be, you would be on the same team. It wouldn't be this me versus him. And so what, what you're suggesting is I, here's what I'm putting on the table. I think that you're saying, I really want to be with you. And he's saying, nah, I don't really want to be with you. That's the way it feels. Yes. And he's, and by the way, I do feel that way. I've talked to countless men. It's embarrassing.
It's shameful. It's something that men think about all day because there's no feeling. It's not working. I totally get that. And I have to be an adult. Husbands have to be grownups and say, okay, I'm not going to let my shame completely rob and starve my partner. That's exactly how I feel. So let's deal with that actual issue because when you keep making it something mechanical...
Y'all are avoiding the big issue. Yeah. Because when you bring it up, he feels ashamed. And his way of responding to his shame is he comes after you and y'all get in this dance. And then you keep dancing, you keep dancing. And then somebody at work says, my God, you're beautiful. And then you go do something completely stupid.
And that's exactly what has happened on so many different occasions and it's frustrating. It is. It's frustrating. But do you see how you've created this world where everything is happening to you and he's created a world where he's a victim in his own body so he quits. That's it.
Yeah, because I just literally last week we had a conversation where I said that he needs to go to therapy. Otherwise, I'm going to heavily think about separation. And he flat out asked me, well, is this an ultimatum? And I'm like, in a way, yeah. Obviously, I don't want it because I do love him. I mean, we've been together since I was 19, 20.
And so we've been together for our whole entire pretty much young adult lives. And, you know, I want it to end with him as well. But I just feel like I just am always the one having to, you know, meet in the middle and the one having to compromise all the time. And I don't feel that being reciprocated, which is just frustrating. It's not frustrating. It is heartbreaking. Yeah.
Counseling 101 is not to put words in your client's mouth. And so I'm doing that here and I'm sorry. But I think you keep minimizing it and your body is screaming at you. Yeah. And you're like, well, this is just really frustrating. And then you tell yourself a dishonest story, which is it just builds up and I can't help myself. That's not true. You can. And yeah. And it's like, I have been able to really do like have no issues, but it's just...
I just get so frustrated when I communicate with him and I, again, don't, don't see a change. Like there's days where when he's off, like, I'll be like, Hey, I'm in the mood and I'll try to instigate it. And he's just like, well, I'm not feeling it today and I want to drink or something. And I'm like, Oh, okay, that's fine. And I'll just walk off. Like, okay. But do you realize it's not about sex? It's not about sex. Let's take sex off the table for a second. Okay.
It's just, I'm craving the intimacy. I know, but I almost guarantee you that's in other places in your marriage. Does this happen with money? Yeah.
We do somewhat disagree on either. Well, not as heavily as it used to be pertaining to finances. I mean, I can acknowledge we are what some would consider slightly comfortable. Like I'm middle class, but I don't have to stress over a lot of bills. And so I feel like we're- But hold on, there you go minimizing it again.
Right? Y'all aren't on the same page with how you obtain, save, and spend money. And what that means is you're not in alignment on what do you want this year to look like. And that means you're not in alignment on in five years, where do we want to live? And that means you're not in alignment on in 15 years, where do we want our kids to go to college? And that plays out minute by minute. What about holiday plans? How do y'all decide where you're going to travel?
No, because he doesn't want to think about it. Okay. He just... That's the issue. Okay. He doesn't want to make any decisions or deal with it. And that's another... Okay. So do you hear this recurring theme? You're married to somebody who has opted out of his own life. Sex is a part of it. And sex is the part for most people when they feel dead in their own skin...
Pornography makes them feel alive. That guy at work that's like, my God, you're beautiful, makes you feel alive. Yeah. Okay. I feel wanted. Yes. But that's deep. That's a piece of it. I think wanted is the story you tell yourself. And I may be out to lunch. Yeah. I think beneath that is you are trying to co-create a life with somebody that looked at you and said, I am out. Or to put it another way, he left you a long time ago. He just still lives in the same house.
I don't want to talk to you about our future. I don't want to talk to you about your needs. I don't want to talk to you about what you want. I don't want to talk to you about how we spend money. I don't want to talk to you about how we go on vacation. I want to just opt out. The direct deposit's happening. You should be happy. I'm going back to my beer and my video games. Yeah, because...
Yeah. He disassociates on his, on his phone and he does, he does help with the kids. And I mean, we do have opportunities of, of, you know, having discussions and whatnot, but what does tend to happen is every now and then I'll bring something up and he'll be like, well, I thought we were already over this. And I'm like, well, obviously not. We're not. I just bring something up to you and I give you the opportunity as a man to step up and follow through. I,
I don't want to be sitting here reminding you because then it's going to feel like I'm nagging you. So I'm going to wait a few months, see if you're actually putting forth the effort. And if you're not, then I'm going to bring it up again. Okay, but that is the definition of nagging. Here's the difference between taking them on. I'm not leaving this room until you engage with me. If I'm not more important than your beer and I'm not more important than your phone,
and I'm not more important than you have a little checklist. I played with the kids. I put two of them to bed. I changed a diaper. Leave me alone. If I'm not more important to you than that, then I want you to be a grown man and tell me you've left this marriage. On the other side, Megan, you can't cheat because you become somebody that you don't respect anymore. And it's hard to request somebody else treat you differently than you know yourself to be inside.
Right? Yeah. And you probably have, you probably spend money on the side or you have conversations on the side or you vent on the side. It's all about, you're starting to circumvent the life that you had. So he's quit his life. You're starting to go around it. Yeah, I can see that. And the only path is through it. And so, yes, when it comes back to an ultimatum, I think an ultimatum here is fair, but it's not about sex.
And the more you make it about ED, the more you make it about, I tried Viagra, didn't work, lay off, the more y'all are missing the point. Here's the next path. Okay, you ready? And I say this all the time. I'm going to keep saying it. Hey, honey, I've got someone to come watch our four kids. I want you and me to go to breakfast tomorrow or on Saturday. And I need you to be fully with me, no phones. You're going to bring a piece of paper or something. I need you to be fully with me. Oh, God, what are we talking? No, no, no. I just need you to be with me.
And when you sit down, say, I've got the very clear message that you no longer want to be married to me. And I also have the very clear, and you can say from your, like, I have done these things. And the story I'm telling myself is because I've done these things, you no longer want to be married with me. I need to know now, do you still want to be married? Because if you do, we got to build something completely new. And that means I need you fully engaged.
And that means I need you to hear me say, I'm sorry that I have blown up my side of this marriage and done things that I never thought I would do. Exhale. That means he's going to have to learn new skills. He's going to have to have uncomfortable conversations with multiple doctors. He's going to have to be willing to be awkward with you in the bedroom. And when it's not happening, be like, all right, it's my turn. Batter up. Right.
He's going to have to go through that shame and awkwardness, and you're going to have to be willing to go, I'm ready to go. Ah, man, I thought it was going to be wild intercourse night. It's not. We're going to go to plan B and C and D, right? And you're all going to work together. Yeah. Right? But all of that will be predicated on does he even want to be married to you? And his behavior, behavior as a language, is he is out. Right.
Have that conversation. I'm happy to talk to him and you call me back anytime and we'll get you back through and put you back on the show. I want to know how that conversation goes. Okay. Go straight into the conversation. Thank you so, so much for the call. You're not broken. There's not something wrong with you. You've done dumb things, but there's not something wrong with you. Now it's here we are. What are we going to do next? We've chosen misery. What if we chose to do something amazing next?
Coming up, we have a woman who is wondering about the repercussions of her upcoming plastic surgery with her kids. Stay tuned. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And that's why I'm so excited to tell you about my friends at Bonn Charge.
Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights, little screens, medium-sized screens, and big screens. And all this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bond Charge. Bond Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.
I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, all of it. And listen up. If your skin looks tired, check out bond charges, red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I've got the mask and I'm so excited to use it. Just listen.
Wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's cordless. Go to Boncharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's Boncharge, B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%.
All right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button if you're watching us on YouTube or the subscribe button if you're listening on podcast. Thank you so, so, so much. All right, let's go out to Rio Rancho, New Mexico. I love Rio Rancho, New Mexico and talk to Celine Dion. What's up, Celine? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. You got it. What's up?
Okay. So from watching your show, I feel like I've gotten more insight on how my parenting affects my girls. And it kind of brought forward this question, which is, will me getting plastic surgery, specifically me getting a nose job, negatively affect my two daughters? And if so, what are some things that I can do to kind of come to peace with that part of myself?
Celine, this is the first time somebody's asked this question on the show. It's a phenomenal question. Thank you. It's like really weighing on me. I know it is. I know it is. I feel like I'm like fighting with two parts of myself. No, I totally got you. Like out of one corner of your mouth, you're telling your daughters, you're beautiful and you're strong and you could do anything and you're always enough no matter what. And then you look in the mirror and you hate what you see, huh?
Like such a hypocrite, I feel like. No, I get it. It's tough, man. It's tough. Yeah. Super tough. Yeah. All right. So go all the way back. How long have you... You want to get rhinoplasty? Get a nose job? Yeah. Okay. How long have you been frustrated? Oh, I can go back? Yeah, go all the way back. I can go back to the day.
Yeah, that it was brought to my attention, my nose. So I was 10 years old and I was laughing. We were family friends and the boy next to me, he was probably a few years older than me. It was like, oh my gosh, your nose is so big when you laugh. And I was like, what? Because I never knew that. I thought about that. And then I ran and I looked in the mirror and I was like, oh my gosh, it is. And I feel like that kind of realization kind of like morphed into this fixation and like obsession, like feeling.
from my son's son. So it's like every time I like am getting ready and I look in the mirror or I'm like in a picture
picture with my beautiful family. And instead of looking at that, I'm just looking at my nose. Or if I feel beautiful in all other ways, I'm just looking at my nose. And as I grew up, I was just like, oh, like in high school and college, like, oh, okay, well, once I get my job and stuff, I'll just have surgery because that's something that you can do now. And I can just save for it. And then, like you said, I started... I had two girls who have really...
humbled me, put me into place and kind of made me really take a hard look at myself. And I just feel like when I'm talking to them about themselves, I feel like, like I said, a hypocrite. And like, even sometimes they'll say things like my daughter, my, she's four. She'll be like, Oh my gosh, I look just like my mommy and be so happy about it. And it makes me so happy. But then I'm like, well, what if one day I just come back and change my whole face? Like, what does that tell her that, um,
like something's wrong with her face. Like it's, she needs to change and she's so happy about like looking like me and stuff. What does, okay. This is a twofold question. Okay. Like this is ringing true to me in such an amazing way and in a powerful way. Okay. And I think I've been pretty open to show about my body image issues for my whole life. And I love that you pointed it back to a one interaction with a 10 year old.
Because I can pull my issues back to like three or four different conversations with random people that I would not take money advice. I wouldn't take parenting. I don't even know what some of these people are, but their voice, man, they have a seat at my table when it comes to appearances. Right. So tell me, tell me about what your husband says.
Okay. So my husband, I feel like ever since up until recently, his opinion has been like, I never want to tell you what to do with your body. I want you to feel comfortable and I want you to love how you look. And I fell in love with your face. I love your face. I'm nervous to wake up to a face that's different. And I understand that this is something that you need to do to feel good, but I love your face and I don't want you to change your face.
And then... I'm interested in... Well, I'm interested in this. Why does... And there's not really a right or wrong answer to this question, but I'm just fascinated by it. When you're sitting in front of... Do you have one of those sit-down chairs that you put your makeup on or do you stand up in front of your mirror when you're looking at it in the morning? I stand. Okay. So imagine that 10-year-old boy next to you and an incredible husband and the father of your kids next to you. Yeah.
Why does the 10-year-old's voice matter more, or why is it more honest than your husband's and your guts? I don't know. I feel like that voice has kind of become, like, my own voice. There you go. That's it. Yeah. That's it. The voices that we heard as kids...
From our parents, from friends, from knuckleheaded little 10-year-olds. Oh my gosh, you're fat. Oh my gosh, you're so flat-chested. Oh my gosh, you have zits. Oh my gosh, like whatever the thing is. Over time, that becomes our voice, right? Yeah. So I'm going to ask you a hard question, okay? It's going to sound cruel, but this is me just kind of calling it out. Be completely honest with me. Okay. Do you have a humongous nose? No.
I feel like on a scale of like a small nose to humongous nose, like 10 being humongous, it's probably like a six and a half. Okay. But my thing is it grows forever, right? Like your nose, your ears, don't they like grow forever? I don't, I want to say the last thing I, the last thing I read was that that was kind of debunked, but I may be wrong. So I don't know. I don't know. Um, so you're telling me it's a little bit bigger than average. Right. Yeah.
How many people since that 10 year old, or have you ever been like in college when you were leaning to kiss a guy? Did you like just jab him in the eye? No, no, I've not gotten to that point. Okay. Um, have you ever like been walking out a door and you turn to say something, somebody in your nose just whams the side of the door? No. Okay. So you're telling me like objectively I am one and a half points on our imaginary scale bigger than average. Right.
Yes. And my husband says, my God, I saw your face and I want to spend the rest of my life with that face. Yeah, he does. And let's be honest, sometimes those voices don't matter. There's a voice inside of you that says, I'm not beautiful. Yeah. Yeah.
So give me, not two days after, because you've probably seen those after-surgery photos. It looks like you've gotten a car wreck, right? I know, yeah. Wake up two months post-surgery, and you look in the mirror. Not what are you going to see, because they're going to get it from a six down to a three, maybe a four. Mm-hmm. Okay? So what are you going to feel? I mean, I feel like I would probably feel...
The same. How old are you? I'm 28. Okay. So do you think this surgery will unwind 18 years of feeling less than or not feeling beautiful enough? Yeah, I don't think it will. What would? Like talking to myself how I talk to my daughter. Did your mom talk to you like that? You know, my mom does now. Don't defend her. Don't defend her. Don't protect her. Now.
Now, yes. I don't care now. You're all grown up now. I'm talking about nine-year-old you, seven-year-old you. Not, I mean, my dad has some addiction issues and so I feel like my mom was a lot of the time just like in survival mode. Hold on. You know. Hold on. They don't need to be defended by a seven-year-old. Yeah. Okay. Your dad's struggles with addictions were not because he had an amazing, beautiful little daughter.
And your mom trying to survive was not on you. But my guess is somewhere along the way, you got the message internally that something in your home was wrong. And it was because something was wrong inside of you. Did you and your dad ever come back together?
Yeah, we try. He's back in rehab now, which is good. So no? Yeah. So no. Okay. Yeah. And here's what I want to get to. If you want to get rhinoplasty, people get braces, people get breast augmentation. I mean, we're in a world where you can kind of do whatever you want, right? Yeah.
Right, you can go to the doctor and just change everything about you. Okay I'm, not gonna sit here and judge that i'm not i'll even say this. I got my teeth whitened So i'm in the same boat Okay, it haunted me since I was a little kid. I'm wearing a shirt. That's a little bit too big Because i'm at a weight right now. That's about 10 10 pounds higher than i've walked around with most of my adult life Okay, so i'm playing cover up too. Okay, so
So there's no possible way I could sit here with any sort of integrity and be like, no, you're beautiful on the inside. You should never – I'm not going to say that, right? You got to be able to look yourself in the mirror and feel good, okay? And I want you to be able to breathe, right? And on the other side of it, all the data you're giving me is –
Some kids, when they're in a house where a parent struggles with addiction, when they're struggling with a parent that they've got to prop up emotionally, they go to smarts. I want everyone to think I'm smart. Some people go to beauty. I always want to be beautiful. Some people go to desire. I'll sleep with 40 people because I want you, I need you to tell me that I'm beautiful, even if it's for an hour.
Some people go to just covering up the whole thing with substances. Some people say, I'm going to go do it with achievement and money. But for whatever reason, you pegged beauty. And some 10-year-old gave you a ticket that said, there it is. And I don't know how this works with all the brain chemicals, but somehow your body connected. I'm guessing. Again, I'm guessing. Something's wrong with me. Because if something wasn't wrong with me, my dad would hug me.
If something wasn't wrong with me, my mom would stop and just hold my face and tell me, my God, you're beautiful. And then this 10-year-old idiot says, God, you got a big nose. And you're like, oh, that's it. Right? And it just gets stamped in a GPS pin right in the middle of your chest, and it just goes off forever. Yeah. Does it matter that your dingbat husband can't keep his hands off you? Does it matter that your daughter thinks she's the most beautiful kid that ever lived because she looks just like her mom?
The data doesn't matter. It's just the emotions. I can't on also, I can't honestly tell you that I have seen any data on childhood, the childhood psychological impact of an adult of adult parent plastic surgery. I'm going to go look that up because it's a fascinating question. Okay. I think it's fascinating, but anecdotally, I think you're, my gut tells me you're right.
That it would be very strange for a daughter who keeps saying look how much I look like my mommy and everywhere They go. She's like, oh my gosh, you look just like your mom You're just as beautiful as your mom is and then mom says yeah, there's something wrong with me I can't imagine that a child would internalize that I don't put that I don't want to put that on you I know it's heavy But I can't I can't imagine that that wouldn't there wouldn't be some sort of algorithm cranking off in your four-year-old's mind To be like, oh got it. Okay. Well, so when i'm older i'm gonna do this too
I'm going to tell you, I don't want to tell you what to do. I don't want you to get up this phone and be like, if I ever do this, this has been my dream since I was a little girl. If I do this or something wrong with, there's not, I think you're going to have some hard conversations with your daughters as they grow up about what beauty is and all that kind of stuff. But also we live in a wild age, right? Yeah. Um, I'm pretty sure in a few years you'll be able to gene edit like exact, like everyone's going to just kind of come out looking like a supermodel, right? Cause you'll be able to just AI. I don't know. I don't know if that's true or not, but, um, um,
You will have to have some hard conversations and I trust that you can have those. I trust you're a great mom and I trust your husband loves you like crazy and y'all can figure that out. I'm more concerned with you understanding that beauty will always come from the inside out. I'm so, so sorry your dad didn't tell you on a day-to-day basis how beautiful you are. I'm so sorry that your mom didn't tell you how beautiful you were. And I'm so grateful that you're a mom that makes sure her daughters know how beautiful they are every day.
Does your husband tell them that they're beautiful? Oh my gosh, yes. Good. Yes. Good. Yeah. Every day. Every day. Yeah. And their eyes are going to roll out the back. Dude, I think my daughter's going to lose her eyes out the back of her head. She rolls them back so far. But she's going to hear it from her dad every day. Yeah. Right? So I think I jumbled everything up and didn't give you a clear answer. But the objective data you gave me is you're an amazing, beautiful person. And you're an amazing, loved, beautiful woman.
And there's a story on loop that somehow says if this was just different than everything from the past would be okay. And that means everything in the future will be okay. And that story is just not true. Yeah. Is that fair? That's fair. You're a gangster, dude. Thank you so much. I tell you, thank you so much for the call. Um, man, this is a, this is a tricky one. This is a really, really tricky one. Um,
especially as there's just so, so much technology. So thank you, Celine, for letting me talk it out for the listeners. Thank you all for letting me just talk this one out in real time as I was experiencing it in real time. Man, it's a big one. This is a big one. And I love, love, love talking to parents who see themselves through the eyes of their kids and they start to say, wait a minute, I don't think this story I've been telling myself my whole life is true. And what kind of impact am I going to have in this family tree?
You're amazing, Celine. Thank you so, so much. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me say it a thousand times and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And yes, therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist and let's be honest, a lot of you should too. And taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe you're not sure
Maybe it's the time. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. And listen, we spend time and money on so many things. Going to the gym, gym memberships, organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people. We wear tracker watches. But listen, when it comes to our mental and emotional well-being, we hesitate. We hold back on the expense or on the time.
Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health and all these other things in your life. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month long waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and you get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost.
Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Kelly, am I the problem? All right, before I read this, I really, really, really, really need some am I the problems and cool crap that happens. All right, cool. So send those to JohnDeloney.com slash ask. And in the top of the little box where you type your question, put...
Cool crap that happened. My other problem. Please send them in. All right. This is from Nicole in Pennsylvania, and she writes, I am 47, and my mom is in her late 70s and lives in another state. I am always the one who calls her. She seldom ever calls me to see how I'm doing or to check in on the grandkids. It's always bothered me, but I just deal with it and call her anyways. She's retired, so she has plenty of time. Am I the problem, or should I bring this up to her? Just call your mom. Just call your mom.
You can bring it up to her. You can start a whole thing and it's going to be like, well, then just, just call your mom. Cause I almost guarantee. Yeah. But I almost guarantee cause her mom's like, well, I don't want to bother her. Yeah. I know she's busy. You know, there's my, my mother-in-law used to always call me and drive me crazy. And who knows what story your mom's still just call your mom. If she says, I don't want to talk to you or she makes it very clear. She doesn't want to be around you or your kids. That's a whole other story. Um, let me put it this way. Stop keeping score.
Just stop keeping score. Like don't keep a secret tally mark of I've called you nine times. She calls me too. That's not fair. Just call your mom. If you want to talk to your mom, call your mom and tell her if you ever want to, mom, you call me sometime with a smile on your face. Okay. I don't want to bother you. You're never bothering me, mom. Never, ever, ever, ever. You call me anytime. Come visit me anytime. You're never bothering me. We love it when you come.
Okay, I just want to make sure. All right, cool. But yes, just call your mom. Just call your mom. Just call your mom. Just call your mom. Sound good, Kelly? Perfect. Can I ask you a hard question? Sure. And you can just edit this out if you don't want to answer it. I feel like those who have lost their mom...
This becomes a much deeper, just freaking call your mom. Exactly. Having lost both parents and my dad when I was 21. Your mom passed away a year ago, right? Two and a half years ago. Yeah. Call your mom. Call your mom. Yeah. Because my mom would have been that way of like, well, I don't want to bother you. I know you're busy with the kids. And I think, you know, you'll give me a call when you have time. That would have been 100% would have been my mom. Call her. Call your mom. I guarantee you, she wants to hear from you. I'm getting close to having a son move out.
And I can already see where I'll be like, well, he's probably busy. But it will brighten her day when she hears from you. Call your mom. Just call your mom. That should be the name of the show, the Dr. John Deloney Show, colon, just call your mom. Just call your mom. Love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Be kind to one another. Bye.