Shownotes Transcript
How do I handle catching my wife, having an affair, and what's the next step? And when I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up. That's when you knew something was up, homie. Ayo, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls about your relationships, your mental and emotional health.
counseling, coaching, whatever you got going on in your life, my promise is I'll sit here and we will figure out what's the next right move. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. You can leave a message and we'll call you back and talk to you about having you on the show or you can go to johndeloney.com slash ask and you can type in your question in the little info box and it goes into Kelly's cauldron of wizardry and magic.
Cauldron, I guess, was kind of witch adjacent, huh? I don't think so. But you do have a cauldron. Maybe. Definitely a voodoo doll or two. Yes. I was like, oh, sweet. You made like a figurine of me. And she turned it around and had needles in its neck. Anyway, if you want to be on that show, give us a call or reach out. Oh, geez. We are crushing this thing.
I always wonder, like, what was it like to be on the Titanic? And I feel like every time I sit in here, I feel like that. No, this show's doing a whole lot better than the Titanic was doing. For now. But iceberg, dead ahead. Like, it just keeps... Our listeners are, and our viewers are keeping this show moving right along. Because they're amazing. Despite my best efforts to wreck it. Exactly. Let's go out to San Bernardino, California, and talk to Nathaniel. What's up, Nathaniel?
Hi, John. How's it going, man? Good. Just another day. Hey, exactly. What's up, brother? Well, I had a question that is how do I handle catching my wife having an affair and what's the next step?
Dude, walk me through that one, man. When you say catch, what do you mean? So, it happened last year in September. I was at work and had these bad feelings and I was like, what the heck's going on? I took
Texting my wife, no response. Looked up my location, saw that she was at a hotel, but it was during the fires and she was taking one of her friends home from a concert. So I thought they were evacuated to a hotel. So I let it be. Would your wife have called you?
If she was at a concert and she was evacuated to a hotel for her safety? No, no, no. For a friend. I know, but would she otherwise have let you know that that's happening?
Yeah, if that would have happened. Yeah, okay. All right, so you see her at a hotel, and you quickly come up with kind of a stretch of a story just to protect yourself, right? Yeah, I did. In my head, I thought, okay, she's there, and I just kept track of the time, and I was like, wait a minute, it's already been two hours she's been at that location, and when
When I came home to find out my kids were alone with the uncle, I was like, wait a minute, that's not like her. So then I took it upon myself to wait for the kids to sleep. And I drove over to the hotel. I didn't know what room she was in. I just waited. I saw the car. And then, like,
I don't know, five minutes later, she starts walking out, and I see a guy with her, and I'm like, okay, that's not the friend she was with. It was supposed to be a girl. And when I caught them kissing for about, I don't know, five minutes, then I knew something was up. That's when you knew something was up? Homie, denial is not just a river in Egypt, dude. It's also...
My man.
Hey, how did you let her kiss another guy for five minutes right in front of you? Well, I was, um, when I was parked, I was on the main street and I was like, kind of like trying to like turn to see if it was her. And then when I saw that she got at the car and I wanted to make sure that this was happening, my gut feeling. And when I saw it, I froze. That's fair. Hey, can I, can I, Hey, can I applaud you for just being honest about that?
Yeah. Good on you. I can imagine that is just so surreal. Yeah, pretty much. Your first instinct is different than mine, and mine probably would have ended me up in jail. So good on you for freezing. Right. So what's the last few months been? You said this is September. We're talking in February. Tell me what the last few months have been like.
Well, after that night, trying to confront her and talk to her and asking her to give me time and stuff to work things out because we have kids. And having her explain what happened that night for those two hours, it was just like... I almost wanted to throw up. I wanted to... I literally...
drove over to the hotel to confront the guy. And while I was driving, I was thinking of all these scenarios. And then one was why? Why would I even try to hurt him if
I'm going to be in jail. And it's like, yeah, no. It's very wise. So when I found out it was one of my old, old, old friends from elementary school, that's what hurt me the most. So let's take the hurt off of him.
Take the hurt off of him. Let's don't give that some dude from your elementary school access to your soul. Let's just hold it what it is. Your wife cheated on you. She broke your heart. She blew your family up.
Pretty much, yeah. Does she still want to be married to you? She does. She's been like little by little trying to make it better. But then the last couple of months, it's just been like back to normal again with the whole she's back on her phone again. Okay, let me be super clear with you, Nathaniel. She does not want to be married to you. She wants you to take care of the kids. She wants you to provide money, but she does not want to be married to you.
You have to absorb that. Yeah. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. Okay. So what's your next move? Pretty much. Here's what it feels like. It feels like you are an expert in maneuvering, almost like I'm imagining the slow motion scene in the Matrix when the bullets were coming. The bullets are reality and you're Keanu Reeves.
You're really adept at kind of diving away from painful realities and conversations because those painful realities and conversations force you to have to act, make a call. Yeah. And you have a pretty comfortable life and things are fine, things are good, and now your wife blew them up. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah.
I can't even listen to certain music without it triggering memories of going back to that hotel. I know, but listen.
We're not going to be run around. We're not going to live our lives afraid of triggers. Triggers are just simply your body getting your attention saying, hey, you may not be safe now. And so you're going to head right into those triggers. And sometimes you have to get a therapist to go with you or a couple of close buddies to hold you accountable. But I'm not going to live my life that my body shuts down if a song comes on the radio. I'm going to deal with that. Okay. I'm not going to live my life every time my wife flips over her phone. If I've been very clear, hey, if you want to be married, we've got to rebuild trust.
And trust looks like you not flipping your phone over every time I walk in. Trust looks like I want to see your text messages. Trust looks like I want to link our phones together so your text messages go to the iPad that I can see them. True. And if she says no, then she's telling you I don't want to be married to you anymore. I'm not interested in rebuilding trust in a way that makes you feel safe because I blew up our marriage. I lacked integrity.
True. Right? But you can only control you. And so you have to be very specific about what you need. Okay. And I think you are like, well, you know, you got to be specific. And I think if you're not specific, then there's not a chance that she doesn't meet those things and then she's got to go. Yeah. And I think it allows you this kind of pseudo reality where it's all kind of back to normal and it's kind of fine and she's flipping her phone over, but it's cool, like whatever and blah, blah, blah.
It's not, man. I can hear it on you. Yeah, it's not. It's not. So call it what it is. True. Do you still want to be married to her? Part of me, yes. And part of me still has that trust issue. You should have a huge, all of you should have a trust issue. And by the way, you can have a trust issue and still want to be married to her. The question that's instructive here is, does she want to be married to you? Have you asked her that?
I don't got a chance to ask for that. No bull crap on a stick with a pony and a frog, like waving a flag. You do. You've chosen not to. Yeah. What do you mean? You don't have time. You create time for something that's important. You stop the presses. You leave work. You get childcare. You figure it out. This is too important. Okay.
I'm going to give you the playbook for the next move, okay? You don't have to do this. You're a grown man. You can do whatever you want to. If I'm in your seat, here's what I do. I let her know. You and I are talking, just for the listeners, we're talking on a Tuesday. I would let her know tomorrow night, Wednesday night at 5 o'clock or 6 o'clock, I've gotten childcare for the kids. We're going out to dinner to a private place.
And we're going to have some hard conversations. There's going to be no screaming, no yelling, no fighting, no getting up and running away. We're going to sit down and have some hard conversations. Okay. You pick the restaurant where you can go into the back and talk quietly or get a table on the side or whatever. And then when y'all sit down, you say, hey, we're getting back into the old behaviors. I was not clear last time and I'm sorry. Number one, do you still want to be married to me?
Neither of us wanted to get divorced. I'm sure you didn't want to cheat on me when we got married, but here we are. Do you still want to be married? If you do, here's what must be true. And then you have to have the courage to write down what must be true and communicate that very clearly, clear as kind, very clearly, and give her a chance to scratch and claw her way back to your heart.
Otherwise, you're being cruel. She doesn't know up from down. And you're kind of just wishy-washy in the whole thing. I don't know. It's time to be clear. And here's the bigger thing. Your kids are absorbing this, brother, in your house. They're absorbing their dad being like, well, I just don't have time. We haven't had time to sit down. You have to make time. It's too important. It's the most important thing in your world right now is your marriage.
They're watching your wife flip over the phone every time they're learning like that little sneaky, oh, eyes on a swivel. Everybody's looking around always and, oh, make sure this and deleting this. And they're seeing that. They're absorbing that. Stop. Stop the madness. Decide I'm not letting this go generational. And that also means that she might look at you and say, yeah, I'm done. I'm out. And then, brother, call me back because I'll sit with you, man. Or you might look at her and say, I'm not going to be able to get the trust back, man. You cheated on me with a friend. You lied to me.
You pawned our kids off with an uncle. You didn't even let me know. I thought you were hiding from fires. I thought your life was in jeopardy and you're off sleeping with an old friend of mine. I just can't. I can't come back. And you get to choose that. Or you can choose just to keep going on about your day, pretend everything's fine until it's not again. I just want to tell you, this will catch up eventually, man. Choose your heart.
Kind of live halfway underwater, slowly gasping for air. We decide I'm going to stand up on my own two feet and breathe. And here's what must be true moving forward. It's your move, my man. She did you wrong and broke your heart. She blew up your house. And now you've got a broom and you got to start the cleanup process. Hopefully she joins you. We'll be right back. I want to tell you about Cozy Earth, the makers of incredible sheets, bedding, and bath linens.
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Hi, Dr. John. I can't believe I'm talking to you. I can't believe I'm talking to you. This is amazing. What's up? Well, I'll go ahead and get started with my question, and then I'll give you a little bit of background information. Okay, let it rip.
All right. Am I wrong to feel upset about unequal treatment at work? And should I confront my management, quit or let it go? Ooh, this is a good one. And a little side note on this one is I work for my husband's family. Awesome. How's your marriage? It's great. Actually, we've been like, it's honestly probably strengthened it, if anything. Before you even ask, what is he telling you to do?
He is kind of in the same boat. I am not really sure. I think that I'm kind of thinking we're kind of both thinking maybe we should talk to them about it, but also we're not really sure if it's our place. So I'll kind of give you some background information and you can see what you think. All right, let it rip.
So I have worked for this company since 2020, right after I had my first baby. And then since then, I'm still working for the company. And since then, I have had two more babies, one in 2022 and one in 2023. Good Lord, your house is a boring place, isn't it? Yes. Oh, it's crazy. That's three kids under five? Yes, sir, I do. And they're all boys. Wow. Yep.
That's where we drink. Congratulations. Thank you. So recently my sister-in-law who also works at the company, she had a baby and I found out, um, as she came back to work, she was paid her full wages and during her time off. And she has also been allowed to work from home. Now I was not paid anything during my maternity leave either time. Um,
The second time in particular is the one I guess I'm a little more focused on because I left that into that maternity leave. I was working full-time at the time. And when I went to go back to work, I had also asked to work from home and I was told that I couldn't.
So, finding this out, my feelings have been a little hurt, and I just felt like maybe I'm not as appreciated in the office as I once thought I was. I've always worked really, really hard for them, and they've said that I'm, you know, they've always told me I'm a great worker. And so, I've just been a little confused about how to go forward with this information. Wow.
Why didn't your husband go storming into his mom and dad's house and say, what's going on here? I mean, we both are kind of not like that, I guess. I don't care about that. Like, you get to say, like, I'm kind of not like that until somebody—and it makes it worse because it's my sister, right? Yeah.
Yeah. His, yes, it's his sister. Yeah. Right. So these are both your grandkids and I'll get into the family business dynamics here in a second, but like I'm interested in the, like I'm just putting myself in this position. If my wife had a kid and my dad was her, her boss and my sister's boss and one of his, um, a woman's pregnant with one of his grandkids and he's like, yeah, your butt's going to be back here on work on Monday.
Yeah. And then another woman's pregnant with another one of his grandkids. And he's like, nah, you take your time and work from home. I'm just going to pay you. Money's just going to show up. Yeah. What are you talking about? I'll be in there for that next morning. Where's your husband on this? I don't care. You don't get to say, I just not like that. I don't give a crap. You're not doing that.
Yeah, it's pretty upsetting for both of us. No! It should be upsetting for you! It is upsetting for me. I was very upset to find out about it. I was pretty furious that day, and I thought about just storming out, and then I was like, I'm going to take some time, go home and talk. I would have. I'm an impulsive baby sometimes, though, but I would have quit. Well, I'm trying not to be an impulsive baby. I know. You're mature. I struggle with that. I've tried to take my time and just...
I get... Is your husband worked there too? So he actually recently, about six months ago, became a police officer. So he doesn't work there anymore, but he was up until that point. All right. Here's the truth about family business. Okay. Sometimes the kids get treated differently. Yeah. In the story. Yes. I would have assumed that you're one of the kids. Right. Your in-laws have confirmed you are not. Yeah. And so...
I am going to, I want you to imagine, you may have heard me talk about this. I want you to imagine you have like a small wooden box on your kitchen table. Okay. And in that box, I want you to imagine, and it should be, the number should be five, four, five or six people who get to speak into your life in that box. Who have permission to hurt your feelings, have permission to challenge your values, have permission to really come at you like, hey, are you sure this is right for your kid? That kind of stuff.
Yeah. I don't want you to consciously take them out of that box. Okay. That doesn't mean you don't love them. Doesn't mean you don't highly respect them. That doesn't mean you don't do everything you can to get to Christmas or whatever. That means as your, you had a picture of what this loving connected relationship was going to look like with these in-laws.
You had a picture of what kind of grandparents they were going to be with your grandkids, with your kids and their grandkids and your relationship with them and whatever. And there's also this work relationship. I don't want to jeopardize the family side of this because I have a integrity question when it comes to business management. So I'm going to take them out. And if you're financially able to, yeah, I'd put in my two weeks.
If you're not, I would keep working until you find an opportunity that's going to be great for you. Okay. And with three kids under five, I am going to, it's going to be a tough, tough road to hoe, right? Right. It's going to be tough. Do they pay you in a way that's cost prohibitive for you to move?
No, honestly, I don't make a ton. I work pretty part-time hours since having my third especially just because I don't have a ton of childcare options and it's not a super high-paying job, so it wouldn't really cover the cost of childcare anyways. So let me tell you, you're right to have your feelings hurt. I have my feelings hurt for you. Okay. I don't like it. Yeah. It just feels yucky. I'm pissed off at your husband.
Oh, yeah. I am. I am a liberal sometimes. Okay. That's what I was digging for. You owe it to him and your marriage to not keep secrets.
Yeah. Because we often think about protect and provide, right? We're going to protect and provide. He's a cop for God's sake. That's my gang, right? Yes. And he knows how to handle a gun. He knows how to handle himself. He's got a taser on his, like he knows how to do that, but he doesn't know how to call his mom and say, mom, what the crap? Yeah. And sometimes protect is about muscles and bullets. Fine. Most of the time in the modern world, protect is about you will treat my wife with dignity and respect and honor. And this is dishonoring.
Yeah, I agree. Is that fair? Yes, that's totally fair. Okay. I don't, here's the thing. Man, because, let me say it like this. Every wife in a similar situation-ish, if you're really honest with yourself, you feel like the chips are on the table and he chose mom, not you. Or he chose keeping the peace with mom and dad over marriage.
Hey, something doesn't feel right here. And by the way, they're the boss. They can do whatever they want. Right. But come on. Yeah. It's your green kit, right? You get what I'm saying? Yeah, for sure. So I don't want this to be a small potted plant. Like I'm just thinking of like a clay pot with soil in it that you hold in your chest. That's the secret.
Mm-hmm. Where a seed just got planted of, yes, I trust him that he'll fight for me. Yes, I trust he'll take a bullet for me. But man, he didn't even call his mom. Yeah. Right? Yep, you're right. And so it's now going to be on you, and this sounds unfair, and people are going to be mean to me in the YouTube comments. I don't care. It's now on you to not...
like he, in my estimation, again, I'm only getting one side of the story. He might come and be like, bro, you don't understand. Um, actually my wife's a terrible worker. My parents have been telling me that and I don't know what to say. Like, so there's a whole other side, I'm sure. But from where I'm sitting, he messed up by not going and saying, Hey mom and dad, I need, I need some clarity on this. This doesn't look right to me. And I, I would say that was a, that was a glitch in your relationship. That was a, that was something that, that,
That puts you second place. And he said, before God and family know you come first. Right? Yeah. On the other side, I don't want you to plant the seed and have this grow into some sort of resentment, frustration, because it will and it'll come out in weird ways. I don't want you to put a glitch in the relationship too. I want you to come across the bow and say, hey, we need to talk like this person.
I'm going to resign this position. I'm going to let them go to their thing. I want to have a grandma and grandpa more than I want to have always be looking over my shoulder to see who's getting, like, whatever. I'm just going to opt out. But, man, I got to be honest with you. I wish you'd called your mom. I wish you'd called your dad. Yeah. Yeah, I can definitely talk to him about this and tell him the truth for sure. Okay.
I just know secrets, like secrets blow up relationships. Yeah, 100%. Sorry this happened. This is a bummer, dude.
I know it is. It stinks too. The job has honestly been one that I've enjoyed. But at the same time, I'm home with my kids a lot and it makes me happy to be home with my kids. So I'm kind of looking forward to that just being my full, you know, have my full attention for a while. Can I tell you one last thing? I don't know if this will give you any peace, but hopefully it does.
I'm going to talk. I'm going to sound like I'm talking out of both sides of my mouth and my butt at the same time. Don't take this personally. No. I don't think this was a slight against you. I think it was a do whatever you want daughter. And I bet with the pace of the job, the pace of all the babies, the pace of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Son quit. He went and got another job. With just everything going on.
I'm hoping that there wasn't a, like a plotted effort to, no, let's make her life miserable. Right. It was more like, Oh daughter, you do whatever you want. You're our sweet, precious daughter and you can't do anything wrong. Right. And I bet your husband would be like, it's always been that way since she was five years old. I think he would say that. And so it's one of those, like, I'm not gonna take it personal. I'm not going to give you all that. I'm taking you out of the box. I'm I'm I'd rather y'all be just fun, silly grandparents and, um,
whatever. I want to preserve that and a part-time job isn't worth it. And me wondering why I'm getting treated differently. I'm just going to step out. I'm going to step out. And husband, next time you pick me over mom, you pick me. Thanks for the call, Nicole. You're awesome. Appreciate you. And even if you're mad, give your husband a hug. My buddies who are police officers need more hugs. We'll be right back.
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All right, we're back. Let's go to Pueblo, Colorado. Man, I got some crazy adventures in Pueblo. And talk to Leigh. What's up, Leigh? Hi, good morning. How are you? Good morning. I'm doing great. What's going on?
Awesome. So if it is all right with you, I will go ahead and just read my question that I submitted since I don't think I could put it any more clearly than that. Go for it. I haven't read it, so I haven't seen it. So let it rip. Perfect. Awesome. Okay. So here's what I wrote. I need advice as to how I can best support my husband while he works on becoming a healthier version of himself mentally, spiritually, and physically. He has been in therapy for over a year to work through his past trauma and is trying to figure out who he is after 40 years. Awesome.
Thank you.
My husband is almost 42 and is currently dealing with maladies that if left unattended to will cause stress and illness to his heart. My husband is my best friend and I love him more with each passing day. I want to see him become his best self in every way possible. I do not want to treat him as my child who needs minding or as an anxious worrier causing him undue stress when he's already working so hard as well as dealing with his own health concerns. I want to treat him as a loving and supportive wife who adores him immensely and is a positive encouragement to him.
You're awesome, Lee. Thank you. Thanks for loving him. Oh man, he loves me. He deserves it. Well, even if he doesn't deserve it, just thank you for being somebody. Like when I decided to make a lot of changes in my life, having a wife that I knew was ride or die with me, I made all the difference. Well, he's been that for me. So I just want to give him everything that he's given to me. All right. So I'm going to give you some hard things and some tools. Is that cool?
Please and thank you. Hard thing number one, you can't want this more than he does. True. All you can commit to is I'll tell you the truth and I'll love you. I can do that. I think I've talked about this on the show. This is a horrific, terrible, awful analogy, but it's the only one in my head right this second, okay? Okay. I wish I had a better one. I'm going to commit to finding a better one, but this is the one that just pops into my head. It's all good. My dad was a hostage negotiator for the SWAT team.
Mm-hmm. Okay? At a major metropolitan city. And so what that meant was if somebody had a bomb or if somebody had hostages or if somebody was going to jump off of something, they called my dad. My dad had a big old mustache and he would come in. He was usually the plain clothes guy. Okay. Like the, hey, how's it going? Right? So there'd be a policeman in a uniform, like kind of talking the serious, but my dad was the, hey, like basically pulling up a seat kind of guy. How we doing? Mm-hmm.
And he told me something real important one time, and it's still something that I keep in mind when I do my job every day, whether I'm helping people in flesh and blood in real life or I am doing what I'm doing right now, talking to you on the phone. And it's recorded and it's put on the internets. He said he would always, when he would get off the elevator, he'd go all the way up and somebody's about to jump or they're saying I'm going to jump or he's on an overpass and somebody's going to jump. He would always find a place where he could quietly pray. Give me the words to say the right thing.
And then he would go through a quick exercise, watch or listen. And the watch or listen was, and this is harrowing to think through, but this is the reality of hostage negotiators and people that work with hurting people. This may not end well. I may do everything right and this person jumps. I may do everything right and this person falls. Yeah. Am I going to watch or am I going to listen? And it basically, that was a quick exercise.
I'm going to do everything that I can, but I can't hold the outcome this other person does. And so I want you to be in that same position. Otherwise, you're going to find yourself micromanaging and becoming that angry mother that you don't want to be. Exactly. So I'm going to get up every day and say, I love you. Dear God, give me the words to say. We're going to agree on some accountability together. And so that you know your boundaries and your role. Okay.
And then you are going to do everything you can so that you are healthy so that he has somebody to anchor into. That is good advice. You get what I'm saying? I do. I do. Awesome. Have you told him, I'm scared of losing you at a young age? Yes, several times. Okay. Does he hear that? No.
Yes and no. He does hear it and he comforts me. But he also says, I'm not going anywhere anytime soon. So I think there's also a disconnect with him where... That's what all men say. Yes. Men are invincible until they're...
Yes, because he has expressed to me on his own at other times that he is worried that he doesn't have long just because of the genetics in his family. Yes, and here's the thing. They're not deterministic, but they are sure like they're sure like correlative, right? Oh, absolutely. And so, yeah, I should be concerned. He's got a roadmap of what happens next. Yes. And so he just has a daily choice to wake up and ask himself, don't go down that road because I know how this ends.
And by the way, I know how this ends pain-wise for wife, kids, family, extended, whatever. Or I'm going to have to do something radically different, which means I'm going to have to choose minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day to be uncomfortable. Because I've got absolutely no roadmap for what comes next. My mom didn't do it. My dad didn't do it. My brothers didn't do it. I'm going to be on my own with this amazing woman by my side with a machete, hacking my way through the jungle, creating a new path.
I like it. I think that sounds fantastic. But I mean, you get what I'm saying. So, and the reason I tell you that is I want you to be compassionate for him because for you, it's just like, dude, diet and exercise, it's not that hard. And for him, it's like every comfort, every comforting strategy, every numbing strategy, plus you're sitting on this time bomb that is your genetics, like all of this stuff, I'm going to swim upstream. Mm-hmm.
And so it's not, and again, it's not just getting out of bed like it is for me or like it is for you. Yeah. This is a wholesale sea change of living for him. Absolutely. So cool, I'm going to be compassionate. And he has to decide I'm worth being around. Yes. And for a 45-year-old unhealthy guy to go to the doctor, that tells me he at least is thinking about it.
He is. He's finally at a point in his life where he realizes it's time to take action and he wants to. And that's a really, that's a huge first step on it. Amazing. All right. So I want you to do a couple of things. Okay. Okay. Um, I want you to take him out to a healthy breakfast. Okay. Um, but I want you to take a piece of paper.
And I think this is instructive to have no screens. So he feels you plugged in like you and a yellow pad. Swing by Walgreens or Walmart and buy a yellow pad and a pen. Okay. But I want you to look at him and say, I want you to give me a roadmap on how I can love you moving forward. All right. And I want you to let him like, do you want me to tell you? So here's an example in my life. I've given my wife permission to say, hey, are you really hungry? When she sees me grabbing a thing of cookies and ice cream out of the thing.
okay i'm not offended my heart's in fact i feel loved yes right now if she came in and was like oh my gosh let me see your calorie counter i'm gonna eat more out of spite yeah that doesn't work because i'm an immature child sometimes well she just gently puts her hand and she'll do it just in passing now and i'll just become part of she's like um you're gonna sleep good and they're not passive aggressive they're things we've talked about right yes uh they like um are you really hungry
And I'll go, no, I'll start laughing and I'll just put it all back. Or occasionally I'll say, no, I'm deciding to make a bad choice and she'll laugh and be like, cool. But here's the thing. I do that so rarely now that it's, it is funny. It's silly. Like, oh, you're going to choose to be miserable for the next two days. Grown man. All right.
And she knows it's not a personal attack. It's not a, and I'm not going to, it's not going to become a lifestyle for me and whatever. So that's just the way our house works. Or the other morning she goes, Hey, would you do me a quick favor? And I was like, yeah. And she said, will you call? And she named my counselor, my therapist. And I started laughing because it's not a quick thing. It's a big thing. And, but that's her saying, I'm watching a series of behaviors. I'm watching some old patterns emerge.
and we've talked about it and I love you. And so, but that came from us sitting down and talking about it and me getting to say, hey, here's how you can best love me. And you can say, I'm not content to sit here and watch you die. Okay. I can do that. Absolutely. But I want you to speak into how can I love you? Does it help if I ask you about how your day went when it comes to eating right? Does it help? Does it help you when I ask you to go for a walk with me in the morning?
Does it help you to like ask those serious questions? Cause we're going to leave, leave with a roadmap. Okay. Okay. Now here's a couple other things I'm going to give you. Yes. Number one, I'm going to give you, um, give him a subscription to the train. Well, it's the app that I use. My wife uses my manager's wife. Use it. Like it's a personal trainer and a, um, and an app in one. It's amazing. Okay. It's, uh, amazing.
But it has the workouts you can do at home whenever I'm traveling. And I'm like, hey, dude, I'm going to have four kettlebells and a band. It's like, gotcha. I'm just going to have bodyweight exercises. Gotcha. And it's amazing. The accountability, it's frustrating because they're always there, but they check in. It's great. Okay. So I'm going to hook you up for free with that. And I'm going to hook you up for free with the app that I use for eating, for calories.
And it's my friend, Dr. Lane Norton's. It's the Carbon app. I think it's the best one out on the market. Oh, thank you so much. But you can scan your food and we'll connect you with his team and they'll get you taken care of there. It's the app I use. It's the one on my phone. It's amazing. I just talked to one of my colleagues here the other day that I call him the square root of himself now because he's lost so much weight. And he just said, I just follow Carbon app. I just do what it said.
So those are a couple of what I think are the best tools on the market that I'm just going to give you all for free, okay? That's very kind. Actually, Lane, Dr. Norton is going to give you his thing for free, but I'll hook you up with the Tradewell app. And here's the bigger thing. At some point, I want you to ask him, would you mind if I went to counseling with you so that I can learn some tools on how I can best love you? Okay. I want you to think of food as a way to numb pain.
Mm-hmm. I want you, or, and I'm assuming he's unhealthy because of dietary choices. Is that fair? Yes. Okay. Is he overweight? About 50 pounds. Yeah. Okay. All right. Think of being sedentary. Think of just kind of feeling frozen in his own feet, right? In his own shoes. Mm-hmm.
when it comes to diet choices, when it comes to just dealing with stress, he's got a roadmap ahead of him that his family has given him for generations. And that roadmap will get you killed. There's a short cliff to it. And he wants to do something differently. But when you say, hey, I'm invested in learning how I can love you. And remember, this is you saying, I, I want to love you.
Can I come with you so that I can learn some things? It's not you going, you need to let me come to counseling so that you can. It's not that. Yeah, that doesn't work. You're asking to be invited in. Okay. And he might say no, and you don't take it personally because he's healing, but he might say, yeah, it'd be awesome. I think he would say yes, absolutely. And it's showing him investment. What you're showing him is I'm safe. I'm not your mom. I'm your wife. I love you. Awesome. Is that fair? That is very fair. He's lucky to have you.
I'm lucky to have him. Will you do one more weird thing for me? I would love to do one more weird thing. Get a journal and put it on your bed and y'all write each other notes every day. Absolutely. And he moves it to his pillow. You move it to your pillow. Okay. I love that idea. And if it's not, if he doesn't feel like it's belittling to him or it makes him feel, you know, less than, sometimes just say like, hey, I saw you reach in and grab the cookies and I saw you stop, catch yourself. I want you to know I'm so proud of you. I saw that.
um i saw you um sneak in one extra lap around the track i saw you sneak in one extra set of you know dumbbell curls in the garage i saw you and i'm so proud of you it's awesome or you're inspiring me to go go work out a little harder myself right but it's those little notes of encouragement or i saw you struggle today i want you to know i love you and nothing can ever change that i saw you working hard and i'm imagining you giving our daughter away at her wedding
And I just want you to know I'm so grateful for it. And I know she's going to be grateful for it too. It's those little things where people feel seen and they feel known and they still feel loved. And sometimes it's hard to say that. It's hard to hear that. But man, you can read it over and over and over again. So I think it'd be awesome to try that out. Thank you for loving well, Lee. You're pretty amazing. He's lucky to have you. You can tell him, call me anytime.
I'm happy to walk alongside him in any way. And to hang on the line here, we'll get you hooked up with TrainWell and with the Carbon app. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Listen, right now, BetterHelp is offering the biggest discount I've ever seen. 90% off your first week now through March 31st.
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All right, we're back, Kelly. Am I the problem? It's me. All right, this is from Rachel in New Hampshire. And she writes, I want to start out by saying that your show has changed my husband's and my relationship and the way that we're raising our children. We cannot thank you enough for everything that you have taught us. On to my question. I agree. Continue. I am the mother of two young girls who are two weeks and two years old. Oh, Lord. Yes. Yes.
Since my first was born, I have been uncomfortable with the thought of men changing her diapers, aside from my husband, of course. Recently, my father asked why he had never been asked to babysit. When I told him the reason, he told me that I was wrong for feeling this way and sexist and that I needed to get over it. I told him that it's not just him that I've never asked my father-in-law or stepfather to babysit for the very same reason. Though neither of them have been as offended,
by not being asked as my dad was. Am I in the wrong for feeling this way or did my father take my feelings too personally? Man, this one's so layered. I'll start with the, ask me that last question again, like her last question, that last sentence. I want to make sure I address that one first.
Am I in the wrong for feeling this way or did my father take my feelings too personally? So anytime, I tell this to all women and all men, anytime your alarm systems go off when it comes to some sort of sexual impropriety, I always want you to listen to that alarm. And I also want you to not listen to that alarm alone. So if something sets your, like your little GPS pin in your chest sets it off,
Like the thought of your father-in-law changing your infant daughter's diaper, which in no shape, form, or fashion is out of bounds, is weird, or in any way sexualized, anything other than loving and caretaking. If something in your chest says, whoa, I can't have that happen, let that alarm be heard and let that be something that you head towards, not away from.
And what I say towards go sit down and talk to somebody close to you, go talk to a counselor, go talk to a close friend and say, I feel this super mama bear protection when I think of another man changing my daughter's diaper. Is that bananas? And let your friend say, I didn't feel that. Or I get it and also, right? So when I say avoiding it, just setting up a perimeter saying no men ever in any shape, form or fashion, no sex.
I don't know. Sunday school helpers, no. No. Any of this? Never, never, never. I do think there's just been too many stories. I have a young daughter. I'm overly vigilant. I just am. And so I'm overprotective. When it comes to this idea of a granddad changing his granddaughter's diaper, no, there's nothing wrong with that. I think it's totally 100% appropriate. I mean, I think it's appropriate. I think there's nothing familial about it.
What's the right word? There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, I think it's a good thing. On the other side of it, something is setting her off, whether it's something that happened to her when she was a kid, whether it's something that just got in her head and she heard a story, she knows somebody, or her radar on that particular guy or those two particular men is just going off and it's not good. Here's one other line. So there's all of that. I don't know that any of that matters. I'm going to be real careful here how I say this.
I don't think it matters when you tell a family member, here is what I'm comfortable with. That family member gets to have their feelings hurt, gets to be frustrated. You're their parent. You're the parent. And so I don't ever want you to feel small or little for your boundaries that you have. And if a family member says, I don't give a crap about your boundaries. I think you're wrong. I think this is ridiculous. I think this is stupid. Then you have a right to pull that back.
It's going to come with consequences. It's going to come with a cost. I want you to check those boundaries with friends, with counselors or whoever. But I guess I would tell her, yeah, it's not weird at all for father-in-law to change a diaper. In fact, most father-in-laws won't. So I think it's pretty amazing. And it's not wrong that you have something in your chest saying this isn't right. And it's also not right for him to belittle you for feeling that. Does that make sense? It's all of it all in one big pot. Yeah.
Okay, so that's a lot there. What do you think? Tell me if I'm wrong on any of that. No, I think I agree with all that. I can – and I can also understand from his perspective. That would be hard to hear. That would be devastating. That your daughter, because in this case it was her father, thinks that you would do something. So I can – how he handled it, no, I don't think was correct, telling her she's wrong. I would be devastated. But that would be a horrible thing to hear that you think that I could ever –
Someone who probably changed her diapers, you know. Or maybe never did and was like, I'm going to do it right this time. I didn't participate. And the fact that he wants to babysit his grandchildren. Yes. I can see where that would be heartbreaking. Yes. Devastating. And I would say, not anxiety in the clinical sense, but this angst that she feels, I want her to go talk to somebody because this will trickle out into other areas of this kid's life, this kid's lived experience. Yeah.
Um, where grandparents feel at arm's length and dad may be okay now, but there's, you know, it's going to be weirder and weirder and weirder and weirder. So, um, yeah, I wanted to go talk to somebody about that. Um, and I think that's worth digging into, but I guess I tell everybody, man, your feelings are your feelings. And when the dashboard light comes on, on your car, you don't just immediately spray paint over it as though it doesn't count. Um,
When it comes up, you at least got to check in and see, is this right? My check oil lights on now. I buy my oil from my friend, Michael, who's an exec at Schaefer Oil, the best oil on the planet. Free plug there. And they don't pay. But it's amazing. And I don't have to get it changed every 3,000 miles because it's amazing stuff. My car, the light comes on and I go, oh, do I need to check? I check the mileage just to make sure. And then I go, oh, no, no, I'm good. Right? And so I go on, I check it, but I move on. Same with your feelings, man. If you get a bad sense...
I'm going to listen to it, but dude. Yeah, it's not inappropriate for dads and grandparents to be involved. In fact, I think it's pretty amazing. So there you go. Cool, great, grand. This is usually when the music comes up and I'm trying to figure out how to end the show. I think we just say, good job. I quit. Just kidding. No, you don't. You can't. Sorry. What else am I going to go do? Chad GPT took my professor job. I mean, I'm kind of stuck here, so...
Let's do this, YouTubes. Love you guys. Bye.