I Don’t Want My Husband’s Friend Around Our Family
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I just don't know that as an empty nester, I want to continue being like a mom to him as well. What does he do all day? I don't know. He says he's busy. You've been with him 20 years. What does he do? Can I get beneath it all? You don't respect this guy. Why? What up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

Talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and whatever else you got going on in your life. So grateful you're spending time with us. If you want to be on this show, real people going through real challenges in their life, kids, schools, work, marriages, dating, whatever you got going on, I'm here for you. 1-844-693-3291.

1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask A-S-K. All right. And I just had a bunch of gummy candies because I'm having that kind of day. And my tongue is bright, bright red. Maybe I can color correct it. All right. Let's go out to Mobile, Alabama and talk to Meredith. Hey, Meredith, what's up?

Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing? I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. What you up to? Oh, not much. It's only like 75 degrees in the middle of December here. So, you know, just sweating down, but it's so, so weird. I can't, I've been hunting a lot and it's just so weird. I just out in shorts and a t-shirt. It's so strange anyway. Oh, I know. Believe me. It's like, you don't even have to put on a long sleeve shirt in the mornings. It's just like burning up hot, but yeah, I understand. All right. So what's going on in your world?

Okay, so I typed out my question. I hope that's okay. I tend to ramble if I don't do that. I don't know anything about rambling because I never, ever, ever do that. But you go ahead. Just kidding. That's all I do. Man. So go ahead. Feel free to read it. Okay, perfect. So my husband is an alcoholic. And one part of the lifestyle that I'm still learning to adapt to is that he surrounds himself with other alcoholics. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on, hold on. What? How long have you been married?

We've been married about two years now, and we have two babies, so we kind of were quick with everything. Okay, but you can't go forward with your husband being an alcoholic.

I know. I know. And that's not even why I'm calling you. It's not even about him. But yeah, I'm speaking out counseling outside of this phone call to kind of talk through some of my marital issues and stuff. The alcoholism, you know, it kind of seems fine at first. I know that sounds so stupid, but I've never been around alcoholics. So it's just like, oh, this party guy, he's so much fun. And then you get married and you have kids and you realize like, okay, this isn't fun anymore. This is a huge burden. So...

Just know this. Just know this. There will be absolutely no safety, healing, full connection with an addict in your home. Period. You can get all the counseling you want. You can get all the therapy you want. You can get all the whatever you want. But if you've got somebody struggling with alcoholism in your home, there will be no peace.

Yeah, I definitely haven't felt peace in a long time. And I'm going to do something that's mean, but it's the truth, okay? Okay. Your kids are going to grow up grasping at a ghost. What I mean by that is they're going to see their dad. They're going to hear their dad, but he will be numbed out to the good stuff and the bad stuff, and they will never be able to connect with him because he won't be there.

There'll be a copy of a copy, right? It'll be like trying to hug somebody wrapped in saran wrap. You can never feel their skin.

Yeah. Yeah. And that's something that scares me to death. You know, I want my kids to have the best life and the best parents. And he's a great guy. He just has a lot of trauma that he won't really talk to anybody about. So I think he just kind of drowns it away. But at some point, it's one of the parents' job when one parent's struggling, it's one of the other parents' job to keep the kids safe.

Yeah, and I need to be their safety net. That's very obvious to me. Not even their net. Yeah, I have a lot of work to do. Not even their net. Sometimes you, unfortunately, have to pull down and grab a bow and arrow and a shield and go first, too. You're not just catching them when they fall or getting knocked off because dad's drunk a lot. But also...

I'm going to take you out of this situation because it's not safe for you. Neurologically, it's not safe for you. Physically, it's not safe for you emotionally. Right, right. And the husband's got to make some hard, hard choices. I hate this for all of y'all. I hate it for him. I hate it for y'all. I hate it for those kids.

Thank you. Yeah, it's heavy and it's a lot and it's something I can't even, I feel like I can't be fully present at work or at home or anywhere because it's such a big stressor. And I just want to keep everybody happy and safe. And yeah, so I hate to go off on too much of a tangent because that's a really, really big can of worms.

to open, you know? But what I wanted to ask you today is, and you may have just answered this passively, but his best friend in particular makes me very uncomfortable. He's an alcoholic. I guess I would consider my husband a bit more functioning. His best friend is not very functioning, and he comes around all the time. And I was wondering if I am justified in asking my husband to

to stop bringing him around me and my kids or if it's, you know, something that I need to work on perfectly. Absolutely 1,000%. Okay. That your house is in desperate, desperate, desperate need of boundaries. You are in desperate need of practicing setting boundaries and holding them. And you don't like to be unliked and you don't like to, when people are mad at you, do you?

No, I hate it. I know you do. And yet you married somebody who struggles with alcohol, which means they're very volatile. And you don't know what version of them you're going to get. And you especially don't know what version of their friends you're going to get. And so you play whack-a-mole with your emotions and their emotions and you stuff everything down so that everybody feels quote unquote peace. It's not peace. It's numb. It's not real. There's a difference between numb and peace.

You don't have peace in your house. No. I would put my foot down because here's the thing. You have somebody that's coming around that's, in your words, not a functioning alcoholic, someone who's not safe, not well, says stupid stuff, vomits everywhere, falls down everywhere, whatever. But tell me if I'm overhearing something, there's something in your gut that says, I don't want him around my kids.

That's exactly what it is. And he's never done anything super obvious. Doesn't matter. But it scares me. It scares me. And since having kids, just anybody drinking really, it's

puts my defenses up, you know, and I really have a hard time letting people in. But it scares me to death that one day I'm going to turn my back and he's going to try to pick one of the babies up or he's going to trip over them or, you know, just anything. I don't know. It just scares me to death. And my husband doesn't get that. He just doesn't understand where I'm coming from at all. So, yeah, it just scares me to death. Okay. He is cashed out. Mm-hmm.

Because he has chosen to hide his, and I'm not blaming him. He's just chosen to hide. He's chosen to disconnect his emotional regulation center. So you have to be the emotional regulation for the entire house. Right. And so when he's intoxicated, he is saying, I don't get a vote here. So you say, this person is not welcome at our house anymore.

And if you choose to bring him over, you are choosing to send us away and I will take the kids and we will leave. And you, Meredith, have to have the courage to keep your kids safe and to pack them up and leave, even though that means going to a hotel. That means going to your parents' house. That means going to his parents' house, wherever is the next safe place. And when he throws a fit and acts like a child, you can say, you're not going to put my children at risk with your drinking and especially with the people you bring to this house.

Period. Yep.

I've had that in my gut, you know, for so long now, the idea that if, if he comes home drunk tonight, I'm taking the kids and leaving. Or if he brings his friend over tonight, drunk, I'm taking the kids and leaving. And, you know, you just, it constantly plays in your head and it's this constant reenactment in my head of what's going to happen and what I'm going to do. And I'm just waiting for that moment. So, but listen, listen, listen, Brene Brown calls it dress rehearsing tragedy.

Mm-hmm. You have thousands of imaginary conversations in your head that you're not having in real life. Right. The problem is every time you go down that road, your body spins up as though you're actually in it. So your body's fighting wars all day, every day, and that's why you're so tired. Mm-hmm. Just take action. And by the way, I think it's fair for you to lay it out for him when he's sober. Okay. Like, hey, we need to talk, and it's always better to do it at breakfast, not at nighttime. Mm-hmm.

But some people don't do it. Whenever, lunch, breakfast, whatever, I'm going to say a few things and I'm going to ask you to listen. No rebuttals, no fights. I'm going to ask you to listen. If you come home drunk again, you are sending me and your children away. That's a choice you are making. But we will not be here anymore when you're drunk. Number two, if you bring somebody here, I will call the police and have the police come take this intoxicated person out of my home. Okay.

Or me and the kids will leave. I like option one better because I want him, I want the friend to think twice before coming to your house.

Right. And I've tried to make it so obvious, you know, like I will pick the kids up and go somewhere and I won't come home until, you know, I just feel like I can just put the kids in bed and, you know, like close the doors and try to make it obvious that I'm trying to stay away from them when they're drinking. And it's not obvious at all. No, they've numbed the obviousness. That's not a word, but they disconnect that when they start drinking.

And so we're at a point where there's no more him hawing and no more, I hope he gets the message. Remember this statement, facts are your friends and clear is kind. Here's the truth. When you are intoxicated, you do X, Y, and Z. In my home, that ends now. Clear is kind. If you come home intoxicated and if you punch a hole through the sheetrock again, or if you curse at me,

or if you swing at me, or if you whatever, I will call the police 100% of the time. Okay. Fair? Fair, fair. So I need you to hear me real careful. The marriage, the image of the marriage you're trying to hold together is gone. It doesn't exist. Yeah. And I'm not telling you that to deflate you. I'm telling that to free you. Yeah.

No, it's nice to hear it. You're not crazy. I know it's been gone and I know I'm not able to save him. And I think that's what I wanted to do all along, to save him. Because he has a lot...

a lot of trauma and a lot of, um, just a history of family, you know, trauma and everything. And I think I've just wanted to save them this whole time. And reality hit me, you know, probably a few months ago that, um, I'm not able to do that. Um, I can't say somebody, they have to, they have to do it themselves, I guess. So yeah, it's just, it's a hard pill to swallow because I do love him. It is of course. And he's lovable. He's probably amazing. Yeah. He just has demons.

Yeah. And we all do, but his demons are powerful. They're strong. They're real. Yeah. And he's going to have to choose to stare him down and get the help of a 12-step community and walk through it. And that means he's going to lose some close friends. That means he's got to change his life up. And that's a tall order for anybody. Right. And I think it's important for you to tell him, the day, the moment you decide to get clean, I will grab a sword and I'll stand right next to you and I'll charge the gates of hell with you.

He needs to know that you're not leaving him. He is telling you to go. You get the difference? Yes. When you come home drunk, you are sending me away and your kids away. Please don't do that. Right.

Absolutely. Yeah, and didn't really think about it like that, but it is like he's sending me a message that he's telling me that he's choosing alcohol over us because that's what it's felt like ever since I started bringing it up a year or a year and a half ago. Well, think about it this way. That's one way to look at it, and I think that's a fair way to look at it. The way I tend to look at it now is somebody is in the throes of trying to survive right now.

Right. And when you're trying to survive, using whatever coping strategy you need to survive, you're not in a place to be a parent. You're not in a place to be a connected, plugged-in co-creator of a romantic relationship and a marriage. You're surviving. Right. So I'm going to give you space to survive. Yeah. I love that question. Like, man, instead of, why are you drinking all the time? Like, what is happening in your life on a day-to-day basis that alcohol is the best way you figured out how to do life?

How to survive. But the problem is you can't answer that, Meredith. Only he can. Absolutely. And I listen to your show enough. I've asked him questions like that. But he's a big, strong man that doesn't like to talk about his emotions, right? I know. I don't think I'm the one that's going to get that out of him. I think he needs...

somebody else other than me, but I'm still going to try. I'm still there for him. 100%. Absolutely. Um, but yeah, I, yeah, it's just, he doesn't want to open up to me. And I think there's a lot of demons there that he doesn't want to open up to me about. And probably, probably opening up, got him, got his head knocked off early on in his life. Yeah. It's probably being real safe. And I bet you underneath alcohol, he's a pretty great guy. Isn't he?

Oh, yeah. Fantastic. There you go. And so he's worthy of being loved, and he was worthy of you trying to go rescue him. He really was. And I hate that you figured out, like, I don't have the strength or the tools, or it's not possible. So that's my plea to him, that he's worth a different kind of life, and his kids are worth a dad who's plugged in, and his wife's worth a husband who's plugged in, and it's going to be hell to get there. But that journey's worth it. I've never met somebody who got sober before.

Who said you know what all this time with my kids and intimacy with my wife or my husband I wish I was just drinking. I haven't met that person. I'm sure they exist, but I haven't met that person who's Gone through the pain to get well and on the other side after they're spending time connected with their family Wish for a disconnection i've never met that person but man It's a hard road to walk. So my prayers are for this guy man, and if he's listening bro, I believe in you

Meredith, have him give me a call if he ever wants to. I'd love to talk to him. But it's time for you to set down your fear of being disliked and stand really tall and be a woman who protects her kids and be a woman who has boundaries and be a woman who understands that her safety and her health are the greatest gifts she can give both her husband and herself and her kids. Thanks for the call, Meredith. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go out to H-Town and talk to Jenny from The Block. What's up, Jenny? Hey, John. Yeah, thanks for taking my call. Of course. What's going on? Well, I have been married for 19-plus years. I've always been kind of the sole provider and really just don't feel supported in life, you know,

much of any, in any capacity. Um, and I just wonder at this point with this unhealthy kind of marriage dynamic, is this still salvageable? Why now? It's been this way for a long time. I think my, um, as my kids get closer to being, um, done with school out of the house, you know, uh,

that I'm not going to lose custody of them. And even if I did, it's at a time where it would be okay. I just don't know that as an empty nester, I want to continue being like a mom to him as well. There you go. Does he know this? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. We've had so many conversations over the years.

And at one point, I kind of laid it down that I really needed more from him. And he got really, you know, he got really emotional and things kind of changed a little bit. And then in the middle of that, my brother was going through a really ugly divorce. And I saw what it kind of did to his kids. And I was like, I don't think I can do that to my kids right now because they have a good dad.

He's just not a good partner for me. Give me some examples of some things you would like to see from him. So he doesn't really take initiative to help with anything.

So like if something needs to get done around the house, you know, he doesn't notice that it needs to be done. Like I finally got, you know, a bunch of clutter removed from my house, out of the house. And, you know, he still didn't notice, hey, the dishwasher still needs to be run or unloaded or, you know, to pick stuff up off the floor or the kids need to go to the dentist or the kids need to go to the doctor. What does he do all day?

I don't know. He says he's busy. You've been with him 20 years. What does he do?

I don't know. Well, one thing he does is he kind of took on a volunteer role in our community. And so he spends a lot of time doing that, but it's not like it's a paid position. And one time I actually got a call from my daughter's school, hey, can you come pick your daughter up? She's ill. And

He wasn't answering his phone because he was in a meeting for this. Like, dude, it's volunteer. Leave, you know? Go pick up your child. She's literally around the corner from you, from where you are. Oh, man. So I have my own opinion on this, okay? And I'm willing to be wrong.

So to answer your original question, yes, I believe 99% of marriages are salvageable. That's not true. 95. I don't believe ones that where someone's beating the other person up physically. Those are over. But I do believe in people figuring it out and choosing to do something different. I do believe in that. I've been there myself. I believe in it. But it takes both people and it takes a setting down of ego that is very hard to do. So I can be wrong here.

But I look at this as a matter of fidelity. And what I mean by that is it sounds like your husband has been cheating on your household for years through inactivity, through a lack of willingness to engage, through putting volunteer projects to boost his ego above caring for his family. It's an integrity issue. It's a lack of fidelity. It's cheating. It might not be with a romantic partner. He might not be sleeping with somebody, but...

He is choosing other things to go in front of his household, in front of his marriage. And my only pushback on you would be, and this is, again, very un-Hollywood, very unromantic, but very just the way the world actually is, not the way La La Land told us it should be. Have you sat down and said, I need these things at the house?

I have. Okay. He really wanted me to put out, make a list. And I was like, you don't work for me. Right. Like, why am I making you like a literal, like he wanted details and all of, you know, just a breakdown. I was like. All right. So let me, let me, let me, I don't know him. And I already, I struggle with guys like him. Okay. And also,

I'll defend him for a little bit. And you can tell me if I'm out to lunch here. When my son was born, I've talked about on the show, when my son was born, I didn't know how to put on a diaper. I didn't know how to do it. I tried, but I got the message real quick that everything I tried was wrong. Every time I would do the dishes, I would put the dishwasher, empty the dishwasher. There would always be this, like my wife would go back and like, quote unquote, do it right.

The lids don't go right there or they need to be stacked in this order. Why'd you put this thing on top of this? I just knew that everything I tried to do was wrong. And so then it was like, okay, I need you to give me a list of how you want this stuff done. And I know that sounds super annoying and frustrating. But my question to you is, does he have a litany of like a, if you look back over 20 years, just a long list of not ever really doing stuff right.

He can if he takes an interest in it. The issue sometimes is that he tells me that I'm worrying about things that are not worth worrying about. Like I don't have an opinion as to what is important and isn't. So is it like I've had this argument with – well, I've had this argument across the board. I could gladly do the dishes in my house three times a week.

My wife likes them done seven times a week. So she can come home and do the dishes four times. If we, let's say we were both working and I can do them three times and she can say, Hey, I'm doing the dishes way more than you. And I got another full-time job. And really she is, that's true. But underneath it, we have a values issue, a belief issue. I believe we could do every three days. And she's like, I don't want to go to bed without them. So when you say like, you don't have an opinion over, or he doesn't think it's a big deal. Give me an example of something.

I think, you know, so this one's kind of gross, but like there is a, like the toilet sometimes needs to be cleaned in between when someone is coming in to clean the house. You know, we pay someone to come in and clean the house. Yes. They come once a week. So sometimes things need to happen in the in-between. Correct. And I don't think, you know, like...

If I point that out and I do it sometimes, like just once when I'm needing to run out the door and I say, hey, can you show some attention to the toilet? And he's like, I'll get to it. I have this other thing I have to do first.

Like, so it's just, it's frustrating because I, it's like, I don't, I can do all the things, but I'm not going to kill myself to do it. And I would just like for, you know, sometimes for it to be like, Hey, yeah, no, it's all taken care of. No problem. Or you just go do it and don't make a big deal out of it. So do you want them to read your mind some?

Not really. He acts like that's the case, but I am a very super basic person as far as I am so routine you can tell the clock by what I'm doing. So there is nothing that I'm doing that's new. I've really made it to where everything is pretty streamlined.

It's not, you know, like if there's dishes in the dishwasher and it looks pretty full, just run it.

That's it. And it doesn't have to be... I'm willing to do it if I'm around. And once they've been done, then they need to be put away. But what he'll do is he'll just leave it for three days. I'm like, dude, you can't leave the clean dishes in the dishwasher because they didn't dry well enough. You have to just take them out and dry them. But this is over 20 years. It's the same things. There's not anything...

He just develops, he develops an interest in something that isn't like really that pressing. And he decides that he's going to focus on that instead of doing like the things that need to be done every day. And it sounds like there's a disagreement on what things need to be done every day. And it sounds like that is definitely true. But then you get into a, they need to be done my way.

And then it needs to be done. Okay, well, then just give me a list of the things that need to be done your way. And then you go, well, I don't want you to just like give you a list. I want you just to kind of know. And then he says, okay, well, I do know. And someone's going to come clean that toilet in two days. I don't want to scrub it. It's disgusting. Somebody blew it up. They'll be here in two days. We pay them a bunch of money to come do it. And you see how there's just this, like, it's just a figure eight of an awkward dance going on.

Yeah. No, I can see that. I can see that. Can I get beneath it all? You don't respect this guy. Why? He's never – he's left me hanging. Okay. You need to approach it there because I think you're going to lose the conversation. I think he's gotten it over the years. I don't – I need to be able to read her mind what she wants when she wants it.

And in your head, your routine is ironclad. It's so clear. You can set an atomic clock to it. He clearly doesn't get it. And so, again, it goes back to he should be able to just know my routine. Well, he doesn't. But if he asks you about it, you get frustrated. So we can have that proxy war. Fine. The real deal is you don't respect this man. And when your last kid leaves, the thought of spending another 20 or 30 of your best years of your life –

With someone you don't respect, it just curdles your stomach, right? Yeah. Because I can't trust him. I can't trust him to pick me up. You know? I mean, it's just been demonstrated several times that he's just not willing to step up and do that. Have you sat down and said, I don't respect you because you haven't done anything to earn my respect?

I absolutely did. And a lot of it is he suffers from anxiety. I do too. You move on with it. You heal and you get on about your life. I beg him to get help from it. He won't do it. Okay. And as far as I'm concerned, it's a matter of fidelity. Because I told my wife till death do us part, I'll show up. I'll be here. And that means when things pop up in my life, health issues, emotional health challenges, I got to go do the next right thing to be well so that I can show up like I said I would.

Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. And that, and that becomes almost like a boundary issue because he literally wants me to call and make the appointment for him. Yeah. No, he wants you. You've been his mother for 20 years. Yeah. And I just don't, I don't think, I just don't feel like that's my role. So he asked me, well, do you think this or this? Do you think this or this? And I'm like, I would pick something and go. Except that if, when he picks something and goes, you're like, well, why'd you wear that?

No, I'm well beyond that. You know, as far as that. Did you used to be like that? I've let that go. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I want to say, like, all of this is earned on both sides. And you might in your head be like, I don't even care what you wear anymore. Just wear something. I'm so sick of the question. And he still remembers the time he felt like he embarrassed you somewhere. And you let him know he embarrassed you somewhere.

And so he's just going to, all right, cool. I was going to ask every time, which again, he sounds like a high school kid, not a husband of, of, of somebody who's like, yeah, he's not a partner. He's a kid. I guess the question for you, do you have somebody already? What? Like, and no, no, no, no.

I do have, I mean, part of the thing is, is for the past several years since I decided, well, I'm doing this, but I'm not happy about it. And so I spent several years on what I'll call like the dopamine rush. Like, oh, I'm going to eat this food. I'm going to buy stuff. I'm going to, you know, all of these things. And so when, especially men, which, because I'm not really attracted to women, but especially men who showed me care,

When that's not what I get at home, it does, you know, I do feel that attraction. I crush on people that I have no interest in. I would never like do that, but it's like, I, I still, I think there's still a part of me that mourns for that partnership that that's what I thought I was getting. That's right.

So I can't think of a more important step for you guys to take, which is you guys to go sit down with a marriage therapist together and stop talking about stupid stuff like chores. And I'm calling them stupid. I'm being inflammatory on purpose. Chores are important and roles are important. Oh, that's important. But y'all have way deeper issues. And here's the thing. Like you are now, you're on a countdown clock.

You know, like every job comes in. They're like, all right, it's one week till Christmas. I need everybody to plug in. Everyone's like, yeah, okay. All right. That's where you are. You're counting it down. And I don't want you to look at the next two or three years as just something to endure before you can then go live your life. I want you to have left it on the table. And right now, behavior is a language. He's choosing other things in front of you. And also, it sounds like he has learned over time. There's not really anything he can do that he can win.

Have you ever sat down and said, hey, you got to get a job? Yeah, that was a conversation we had probably like 11, 12 years ago. Why didn't you get a job?

So he decided he really... He went and talked to people. He's a big crowdsourcer. Went and talked to all these people, called into all these other friends. Oh, I need to do this testing for certification. And he couldn't pass the testing. And then...

It just kind of like fell away. He talked, he hooked up with a, you know, old high school friend about a year or so ago. And the guy's like, Oh, well we can get you, you know, you should come talk to my boss. And he went in and they're like, well, you're really, you know, kind of past an entry-level position, but don't really hold the, you know, hold a certification for this other thing. So, and yeah,

His whole thing is, oh, well, all of my friends who have all these great jobs, they're not anything special. I'm special. I have this many degrees. And all they did was be born to a family that gave them stuff, gave them a company. I'm just like, I don't know. So he's delusional. He needs to go to Walmart. He needs to go to Walmart or Costco and throw boxes. He's been out of the workforce for 20 years, two decades. Yeah.

Well, he's probably been out longer than that because when I married him, he was actually living with his parents. And I didn't realize that that meant that like he wasn't actually like earning enough to be on his own. Dude, he won the lottery with you. You were scratch off for him. He got to avoid all of reality. Here's the thing. I think, I think the, you have to be at an or what?

Because I don't know that he can sell. I don't know there's a thing he could do right now to salvage it. He's going to have to become a different person. And I think out of fairness to him, I don't know that anybody can become the person that you want him to become overnight. So you're going to have to take ownership in your part in creating this.

Meaning he had his head in his head as a stay at home dad. And you had this in your head as a sole provider. And we talked about it and he's never been able to do it right or do it enough. And he's had no purpose for two decades. Like it's just, you get what I'm saying? It's just, it's just a big thing of molasses. It's just goo. And I think somebody, and it's probably going to be you because he doesn't have any initiative. And if he did poke his head up, you might whap it down. Like you need to say, okay,

All right, all this is going to stop. All this is going to stop. Here's what I need. I need to respect my husband. I need you to have a job. I need no complaints, no whining, no this and that. I need you to go to Walmart. I need you to go to Costco. I need you to go get a job throwing boxes. I need you to work to participate in this family. And I need to take ownership for I've let the way I wanted it done override our relationship for 20 years. I'm sorry. I'm going to tell him I'm sorry for beating you up for doing the dishes every other day instead of every day.

I know we hire someone to come clean the toilets, and I should have told you I expect you to clean them on all the days in between or whatever the thing is. Then you got to be real clear about what you want in your house. Real clear about what you want in your house. And that's going to start with being real clear about what you want inside your own chest. I think your marriage can be saved. I think you're going to build something amazing. But you're going to have to start with practicing peace. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It'll be my gift to you. Read it. Both of y'all read it. Maybe that'll be your roadmap out. Y'all need to call somebody ASAP.

We'll be right back. All right, good folks. It's Valentine's time. I don't know why we need yet another holiday right after Christmas, especially when it's cold and dark outside, but they didn't ask me. So Valentine's it is. And if you're wondering what to get that special person in your life during the Valentine's Day season, you've got to check out the entire Cozy Earth lineup.

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And again, Cozy Earth has a pre-Valentine's Day sale exclusively for you watching or listening to this show. 40% off all products. 40% off! Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's Cozy, C-O-Z-Y. CozyEarth.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Washington, D.C. and talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn, what's up? I'm good. How are you? I'm great. What's going on?

So my question is, how do I know if I'm the problem at work and figure out what I'm running from? That's the, I think Taylor Swift figured out that she was the problem. It was her. So what's going on at work? So I'm 30 and I've just had, like, it feels like a million jobs. I work really hard and I got offered another position. And I remember what you say of you go with you. And so I

I pause for a minute and can see different patterns where I feel like I make mistakes and blame it on other things and then go to the next opportunity and the next brightest thing. And I work really hard. Of course you do. But it feels like I take too much on. Can you point back to somebody in your life that gave you love when you achieved things for them? I mean, I grew up on a farm, and so hard work is really valued. Sure.

you keep hustling and keep rolling in that sense. And I think that has stuck with me, but in a good, mostly good way. Yeah, sure. Those values are great, man. What do you want to be when you grow up? You're 30 years old. Right now I'm a teacher and a provisional license. I don't know what I'm doing, but I guess I got, somebody reached out for a PhD, which let me go back to doing marketing, which is what my background was in. And yeah,

It would take a move, but the research side of it could open up a lot of doors with community development and things like that in rural communities. And so I just have to decide, I guess. But my grad school advisor suggested me, but all I can think about is how I messed up my thesis really bad. So why would I, again, you go with you. I just see so many common threads. I'm not even sure I understand what you just said there. Your graduate advisor suggested

recommended you for a doctoral program somewhere. Yeah. But you didn't do a good job on your thesis? Yeah, that's what I think. And I just take on too much. Like, the thesis grew too big, and I'm a teacher, and I'm here till midnight all the time. But everyone's still complaining it's stuff not done right. Are you married? No. Do you want to be? It just hit me that, yeah, I do. But it takes so much at...

I can't do both. So I've just thought maybe I'll pick one and go with it and be a teacher. And I'm Christian and you work hard and serve Christ and it works out in the end in heaven. So I think that's what I'll do. I'm a Christian. I did tons of grad school. My wife did tons of grad school. She was a teacher. Figured it out. What does busyness get you? That's what I've asked. I guess it distracts me and makes me feel important. But it also buries you.

Yeah. My friend Ian Simpkins says, if busyness is your drug, rest will feel like stress. Why are you scared to slow down and hang out with your friends and laugh? I don't know. I can't figure out how to turn it off. If I work slow, then I'm at church doing stuff with the homeless ministry. Like, I don't know. I just always am doing something. I know, but that's because you're hiding from Lynn. Why? Lynn sounds like a pretty amazing person. Why don't you let anybody get to know her? I mean, I meet a lot of people. I know, but they don't know you. They see you. They don't know you.

Yeah. Here's the thing. You work really hard, and in this current world, there's not a lot of people who work really hard. So what that means is you're always going to have another opportunity. And so you're going to have to decide not to chase every opportunity, but you're going to have to decide what kind of life you want and then accept the opportunities to get you where you want to be. If you want to quit every job and go work with the marginalized rural communities, go do that.

It's extraordinary work. And if you have to get a PhD to do it, I don't think that's the case, but if you want to get a PhD to do it, then make sure somebody pays for it. Don't spend $150,000 to go make $41,000. No, it's marketing. The only way you pencil it is if you do get paid. Okay. Or what a great, cool thing that your graduate advisor picked you. Said, hey, I'm recommending you for this. And you can say, that's so great, amazing. But I kind of like being a teacher. Never saw it coming, but I like being a teacher.

So I'm going to commit for five years. Here's what you need to practice. You need to practice saying the word no. And here's how you do that. You wipe off your calendar and you reverse engineer the calendar with a series of identity statements. I'm the kind of person who exercises every day. I'm the kind of person who has people in my house once a week or twice a week. I'm the kind of person who doesn't owe anybody any money. So I've got to work two jobs for the next two years to pay off all my debts that I got. Whatever the things are, you put those first.

And then you say, okay, what do I have time for? My full-time job. Cool. I have time for one grad school class this semester, or I've got time for four, or I've got time for what you get what I'm saying? Because here's what's going to happen. You're going to wake up and be 35 or 36 years old with a PhD, and you're going to be feeling the exact same feeling that you're feeling right now, which is, I don't really know what I want to do. What's next? I don't this thing. And I don't know, like, do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah. And I know that because I woke up after my first PhD with that same like, all right, okay, so all right. My second one, I was obsessed with trying to figure out how I could be better at helping people. And dude, it flew by. I was a dad with two kids and a full-time job and you still make time work because it was the most exciting thing in my life. I couldn't wait to learn more, to do more, to be connected more.

I had to fight upstream. I had to tell everybody, I want to do this thing. It wasn't like, hey, I want you to do this. I want you to do this. I don't know. But I want to come back to this thing. Like, what do you want, man? You get one shot at this crazy life. What do you want? That's not rhetorical. I'm being serious. What do you want? Oh, sorry. I guess I want a family, but you can't just wait for that to happen. And it doesn't work to do teaching and have a family. That's not true. That's 1,000% not true. And I know that because I was married to a teacher.

You might not be able to be a teacher at a place that requires you to be there until midnight. Or you might have to be a teacher and not get on a bunch of committees because you've got different roles and responsibilities. Yeah. The program that I coach, a club, and it takes so much time. I don't think I could do it. I think I'd have to get a different position because I can't do it halfway. Great. And just know. But you're taking yourself out of positions where you meet other people.

Well, I've worked hard to organize church groups to meet together and different churches to get together and stuff like that because that's what you talk about and that's what the world needs. I know, but you're expecting other people to give you something you don't have, which is you don't so much care for Lynn, but you want other people to. Yeah. I want you to. That is caring. Oh, go ahead. No, you go ahead. Go ahead.

Does caring for me look like just doing less work? I don't even know. It might look like rest. For some people, caring for themselves looks like doing a whole lot more work. For some people, it's doing a whole lot less. You know what your drugs are. If your drugs are affirmation and gold stars and certificates and hours worked, then yeah, I'm going to tell you. I ended up with a massive wall of certificates.

It's not an antidote when your wife says, do you still want to be married to me? It's not an antidote when your daughter says, get away, daddy. I don't like you. I promise you. It's cool. It's awesome. All the accolades, all the different dinners, all the plaques, they're fine. They're cool. But I can tell you, I got rid of most of them because they don't mean a whole lot. But I want you to organize groups of people to hang out because you love life. And I'm telling you right now, you must be great at working with young people. Are you good at it?

I don't know. Some people think so and some people think no way. I think it's important for you to sit down with somebody and dig into this negative voice that is constantly beating you up. Because it's not true. I was a graduate advisor of students. I would not put my name and reputation on the line to recommend a student for a PhD program if I didn't think they were going to go out there and do well. That's the currency in doctoral programs. Are they going to go out and make your advisor look good? But you can't see it.

I've worked in education. They don't put people around. The coaches don't last very long if they're no good. You can't hear it. When somebody tells you, hey, great job. You're doing awesome. The only voice you hear is your voice going, yeah, but maybe not. And that's going to sabotage a dating relationship. That's going to sabotage a new family. It's going to sabotage new career stuff. And you're going to constantly just be meandering around searching for somebody to fill that gap. And that gap's got to be filled by you.

And it takes professional intervention sometimes. So I want you to call a counselor and say, I have a negative voice that I can't get control of. That no matter what the external world tells me about how great I'm doing, I can't feel it. I can't see it. I can't hear it. I need help. And a good therapist will say, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you're here. Sit down.

But that demon that you're wrestling with is bigger than the show. I can't do it in 10 minutes or 15, 20 minutes, but it's going to be you walking through it. And it's going to be you deciding, Lynn, that you want to set that brick of that negative voice down. I'm going to set it down because I want peace. I want laughter. I want life. I don't want just another shiny certificate. Thanks for the call, sister. Let's let this be day one. You say, okay, I'm chasing light. I'm chasing laughter. I'm chasing peace. And I'm going to start with a professional. I'm going to start clearing away the stuff that takes away from me.

And maybe you end up in a PhD program. Maybe you end up as a teacher. Who knows? Or neither. Not really a right path here. It's just a path that gets you wherever it is you want to go. We'll be right back.

All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the internet. Just kidding. It's the worst. I mean, it is amazing, but it's also the worst. And it doesn't matter if I don't like it because everything in my life and your life takes place on the internet. Our work, our personal messages, our communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where we live.

live. And because so much of our lives take place on the internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of different accounts for banking and shopping and social media. It's become normal to even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup with our phones. Listen,

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Am I the problem for being upset that my family chose a vacation over my college graduation? I'm currently a senior in college pursuing a bachelor's of science degree in public health. I'm a first generation college student and have paid my own way through all four years of schooling. So this day is extremely important to me. When I informed my family of my commencement day in the spring, my mom told me that they'd be on a cruise that week with no thought to try and find a different date.

The ceremony is five months away with plenty of time to find alternate dates. Am I the bad guy for thinking they should reschedule their vacation even if they lose money? Dude, screw them. Dude, you're a first-gen student that scratched and clawed and fought your way. I used to go backstage from graduation. I used to read the names of graduation. I used to go backstage and weep, especially for those first-gen students because it was like –

I mean, they took a machete and went out into the jungle to carve a new path for them and their family. And there were some families, dude, that always give the big speech like, don't keep, hold your applause to the end. And there'd be some of those first gen students who would cross the stage and it didn't matter. That place would erupt and all the whole, I mean, the whole thing. And then there'd be those other students who walk across all by themselves. And it used to make me weep. It broke my heart for them. So, yeah.

My guess is this person has been carving their own route alone for their whole life. And they were hoping that this would be the moment. And they found out in no uncertain terms, you're never going to, that call is never going to come. That, hey, we're proud of you. It's not going to come. That doesn't mean you don't keep going. As Jesus says, you dust your sandals off and go on to the next town. And families, go to graduation for crying out loud.

It's literally the most boring thing on the planet ever. Just go. Do your cruise later. Jeez Louise. What do you think, Kelly? Am I crazy? No, I agree. So I was a first-gen college graduate in my family, and my dad died five days prior to my graduation. Good God, Kelly. But my entire family still came because it was so important to me.

Again, first-gen college grad, and it was so important that they all showed up because it's what you do. It's what you do. Yeah. You go. You go. So, yes. Sorry for saying screw them, but screw them. Hope their cruise isn't that great. How about that? That's me just being petty. I was going to say something not nice, but I won't. Yes. Hey, just know this. When you cross that stage, you did it. I'm proud of you. Kelly's proud of you. The whole gang's proud of you. We're rooting for you.

I wish your parents would holler at you and they're not cool. They never have. Now your next adventure is to go find a gang that will celebrate with you for all of your professional victories, your romantic victories. We start a family, those victories, your job is to go find some people that will be in your corner from now until the end of time. I'm proud of you. Way to go.