I Just Found Out My Late Husband Cheated On Me
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Oh, no. How'd you find out about the affair? Oh, no.

What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. Man, I've been out on the road and I'm so happy to be back here with you in the studio. It hasn't affected any of you listeners because the shows, we filmed a whole bunch ahead of time. But man, I am happy to be back here in the chair in the studio. Taking your calls from all over the planet. Let's go out to Lincoln Park, Michigan and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm good. How are you? Thank you for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. What's going on in your world? Nothing. So here's a little bit of backstory. Nothing, but actually something. Yep. I'm struggling a little bit. I lost my husband seven months ago, and after he passed away, I found out he cheated on me two years ago. Oh, no. Oh, no.

And that discovery shattered me all over again. And now I'm left grieving, not just his loss, but the truth that I thought we had. And so how do I heal from the betrayal that comes after death when the person who hurt me is gone and the pain is tangled up with grief? Oh my goodness. I'm sorry. That's a lot of grief all at the same time. A lot of different kinds of grief hitting you at the same time. For sure. Yeah.

They talk about grief as a tidal wave, but you're drowning and you got set on fire at the same time. It's not supposed to be like that. Absolutely. How'd you find out about the affair? I went through his phone. Uh-oh. The phone that I didn't have access to before. Ah, okay. Um...

So this is tough because normally if you and I were just sitting down having nachos, we would talk through a lot of different avenues. But because we have a condensed time, I'm just going to jump in there. Is that okay? That's fine. Okay. Tell me about your marriage before you passed away. Okay.

I mean, when it was good, it was good. But I think there was a lot of red flags way before getting married. The phone was always an issue. It was always like I never had access to that phone. It was always kind of hidden. So deep down inside, I think I knew. Yeah, that's what I was getting at. Yeah, you think you knew?

Yeah, but I always kind of ignored it just because I didn't want to cause problems. And we have three kids. I didn't want them to see arguing or bickering back and forth. I just, I don't know. It kind of shocked me still, even though deep down inside I kind of figured, because why else would you hide your phone? Right. Especially with somebody you made a life with, you made kids with, all that stuff, right? Right. Right. Yeah.

So that's even another layer of grief. So you're grieving the loss of your husband. How long were y'all married? 15 years together for 22. How old are you? 43. Yeah. So this has been somebody who's been with you more than half your life. Right. So let's sit on that for a second. Hold on. I want to sit on that one first. Just one second. Like half your life. Yep. And even when the structure was wobbly, you still leaned on him for half your life, right? Always. Yeah.

So there's a reality to that, that even though we found some stuff out about him, he also provided some structure in my life for a long time. Even if it wasn't great structure and in retrospect, I wish it had been a different structure. It was what it was. And we leaned on that for 20 years. So we're going to just exhale on that for a second. And then we're going to grieve the fact that we kind of knew and we didn't trust ourself for 20 years. Yeah. And that's a grief in the mirror, right? Right. And then we're going to grieve the fact that this

I won't use a bunch of expletives because he's your deceased husband, but this guy, they cheated on me. Are you kidding me? After I sat with him, how did he pass away? He had cancer. Yeah, so I sat with him through cancer, held his hand as he left, and then I find that out, right? Right. Can I throw another grief in there?

Now there's the grief that you're feeling about, I don't even know how to walk forward. Because I don't trust myself. I don't trust the person I spent half my life with. I thought I was protecting my kids, and actually I wasn't. Like, all of that. Now you just don't even know what step to take. Is that fair? Fair. Tell me something you did right, as he was slowly, his health was failing. Well, I took care of him, no questions asked. Tell me about that. Anything he needed, I...

catered to his every need. And I just feel like, did he do this because I was lacking something? Nope. I don't want him in the picture right now. I just want to talk to you. I'm trying to get in a real quick time frame. I'm trying to get, what kind of person are you? I have no idea anymore. No, you do. Keep telling me. When you say I catered to his every need, give me a couple of details of what that meant. Some people have never sat with somebody dying of cancer. What does that mean?

I honestly, anything, I put myself on the back burner and took care of everybody. Okay. I don't even know who I am anymore. I've got a glimpse. You're a protector. We could debate whether you did it the right way or quote unquote the wrong way, but you're a mama who did whatever she had to do, including stuffing every feeling she had down to her toes in an effort to keep her family together and protect her kids, even though she had an inkling that something wasn't right.

You're a saint because you walked with somebody dying of cancer. What kind of cancer did he have? Colon. Okay. So that meant you were dealing with colostomy, that you were wiping your husband, you were doing all kinds of things, right? Right. Yeah. And if someone's never sat with somebody in colon cancer, it's a disease that takes your dignity too. And you waited right through that. To the very end. And that also tells me you were strong. It was scary to pick up that phone, wasn't it? Because you didn't know what you were going to find.

Oh, God, you have no idea. And so in just a few short minutes, I've learned that you're very, very strong. I've learned that you're a protector. I've learned that you are the definition of ride or die, even when your husband was not. And that tells me you're somebody I'm glad is in my community, in my town, in my state, in my country. Thank you. No one's ever said that to me. It's a high honor getting to talk to you. Thanks.

And the scariest proposition for you is, are you going to let what you found in that phone change who you are? Because we find out who we are when the chips are down, right? Right. And you found out what you're made of. You're stronger than you thought humanly possible. So the question is, because you were with somebody, and let's don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. He probably had some great traits, right? He did. Which is what makes this all so hard and confusing, right? Right.

You get to pick the narrative moving forward about how you remember him and you get to pick what happens next in your life. Here's what that means. You can choose to say he was a complete and utter SOB bastard that I wasted 20 years of my life with a scumbag. That can be your story and there would be some truth to that. That can be the story you tell his kids, your kids. That can be the story you tell your community, your family. That can be true.

The story you can choose to ruminate on and memorialize is, I spent 20 years with a guy who both took care of me and that dude had a bunch of demons. Because here's the thing, neither of those stories will impact his actions or behaviors. It will only impact how you sleep and walk through the world. So you get to decide how you remember him. And by the way, that story will unfold in multiple ways over the next month, years. You're not even a year out.

The fog is just now starting to lift, right? Right. Like on the reality of money, the reality of safety, the reality of are we going to keep the home? All that stuff is just becoming really clear and it's scary because even though he was a cheating jerk, he also was consistent, right? Right. He's always just there. This isn't always helpful. Everybody gets to decide what story they want to tell about whatever situation. But what I have found in my personal life is when I keep

Ugly negative stories circling about the past. They don't do anything to change the person I'm making the story about, but it makes it harder for me to get up and walk through my day. And it doesn't let somebody who's not in your life anymore off the hook. It just frees you. And nothing can take away the hurt you feel right this second. Trying to run from it or hide from it or numb it. I mean, it will resurface somewhere in your life. You'll be angry. You'll snap at one of your kids, right? You'll feel it coming out all over the place. So the only thing you can do is honor it.

Find a couple of your girlfriends that thought he was just the greatest guy in the world and tell them. Have that honest conversation and be totally honest. Tell the ugly stuff and also tell the good stuff because it's all true. And then let me ask you this. What's your next move? Do you need to leave your home? Are you going to get to keep the house? Did you have life insurance? What's your plan? No, we stayed. We get to keep the house. So that's where we're staying, like me and the kids. Awesome. Are you going to have to go get a job?

I still have my job, so we don't... And then we get the... He had a pension and stuff like that, so that's all. That stuff is an issue, thank God. Yeah. So you get the privilege, the earned privilege, just being sad for a while. Yeah. And I guess what I would tell you as your new friend is trying to make sense of things that are not sensible only make you crazy. Right. But let me... Like...

Make sure you hear this one more time in just a few minutes. I've heard that you are strong beyond words. I've heard that you are a fierce protector, even to the point that you'll sacrifice yourself and how you feel and what you know to be true for those three knuckleheaded kids. And you are as ride or die as ride or die is because you held the man's hand as he slowly withered away. Can you hear that? Can you hear that and hold that? Yes. Okay. Because that's true also.

And maybe you're going to come up against some times when you want to be reflective about, I don't know, maybe I was mean to him. Maybe I always yelled to him. Maybe I didn't sleep with him enough. Or maybe I was always complaining. Maybe those things will emerge, but that's not for today. It's seven months ago and you had a new trauma two months ago or one month ago. Let's be sad for a bit. And in our grief, let's create some boundaries. I'm not going to go drinking. I'm not going to go down rabbit holes. I'm not going to Google everything. I'm not going to. Let's create some boundaries so that we can

Stay safe while we're grieving. I'm not going to vomit all over our kids. I am going to get some women in my life to just sit down and talk with it with, with, but I think you quote unquote move on. I don't know that you move on. I think you just continue to do the next right thing and grieve honestly, but all of it. Here's my promise, Sarah, you call me anytime and I'll put you back on the show. This is, you're in a long season now, a long season of wondering if every ailment you have is cancer, wondering if your kids are going to be okay. One, like all that stuff is coming. Um,

But I think for today, I think for today, let's just be sad. Thank you so, so much for the call, my sister. We come back. A man wants to make things right with his wife after he didn't tell the truth about his pornography use. Be right back.

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Hey, John, how's it going? I'm a huge fan of the show. It's a great honor to talk to you and fellow metalhead, shout out. Yeah, yeah. Well, I appreciate it, dude. It's good to talk to you, man. What's up? Hey, so yeah, I hear a lot of wives calling in about their husbands with this issue, so I'm calling to tell them myself because I do love my wife and my family. I don't do anything for them, so...

A little background over the past year, my wife has kind of found things on my phone that she's not a big fan of, three on three separate occasions to be specific. First one, she just kind of said, hey, you know, we're all about to have our third kid in the summer. What did she find?

Just pornography. It's not... I've never paid for it. It's never been OnlyFans. I've never been unfaithful. But just a little background. My wife has been pregnant for three consecutive years and our intimacy has gone down, of course. And I don't blame her or resent her for that. But I just have to...

sometimes take things elsewhere and she second and third time she's found it um has not been a big fan of it and this last third time she said you know you need to get this under wraps or it's gonna gonna be some issues and the last time uh she found it i tried to say oh well that's that's old and you know she called me out on it claiming that it wasn't and she knew that it wasn't and um

My wife is a very, very bright, very wise woman. She calls me out on my vices. I'm 135 days sober thanks to her. Congratulations. And this is another thing that I want to tackle and I need to tackle and I know I need to, but I can't seem to. This one's harder. What was your vice before? Alcohol. Okay. This one's harder than alcohol. I've heard that. Because, I mean, just when it comes with availability, like you can't just waltz into work without

in most workplaces with a 30-pack, right? Sure. And you can waltz into work with your phone. Yes. Right? And you don't just like hop into your bathroom in the evening after everybody's asleep with a 30-pack. You can and people do, right? But it's easier just to pull out your phone. Sure. So going from alcohol, which I'm real proud of you, dude. Congratulations on that. Thank you. And going to this challenge, beneath those, where did this story come from

that you don't like yourself, that what you want or need is not a story that's allowed to be told. I'm not sure I follow you on that, Dr. John. Who did you have to sing and dance for growing up? Oh, my mom. We talk about that a lot. Me and you haven't talked about it. Tell me about it. I guess I was just always afraid to tell the truth to my mom in fear of getting in trouble. What did in trouble mean? Just groundings and things of that nature. No physical beatings or anything like that.

So she didn't hit you, but she weaponized her love. If you do this, you can't be in my presence. Sure. Get out. If you do this, you can't see any of your friends. You can't see any of your family members. You can't do anything fun. You can't do anything with me. So my mom is the problem? No, you're the problem. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just saying, if you're a little kid and you know...

There is a line that I can cross with my actions and behavior that my mom will send me away. Then you learn very quickly to sing and dance. Right. And any want you have, any idea or feeling you have, you learn very quickly how to shut it off. And when you get older, you can't shut it off, and alcohol is awesome. Yeah. Yeah, that was it for a decade. I struggled with that. And yes, pornography is about getting off, but it's different too. There's another layer to it.

It's that sense of I'm in a relationship with myself and I'm in a relationship with my partner where there's no life here. And I can pull out my phone and take a quick exit ramp and my heart rate gets up and I see something crazy. I get to pseudo experience something crazy without any of the responsibilities of engaging with somebody else. Sure. And so I guess what I would call you on is, yeah, having three kids in three years,

That's going to, it's going to mess up frequency. It's going to mess up. I don't want to say exotic, but like whatever weird, fun, playful, exciting, whatever things you want to call it. And I don't mean weird. And I go, that's weird. But like weird, like an awesome. Yes. It's harder to do that when somebody's, when your wife's pregnant and it's not an excuse to not come down to the table and say, Hey, we're entering into a new season. What is feeling alive look like in this new season?

And you just saying, well, I have to just go do X, Y, and Z is just simply not true. It's a choice you make. It's an easy out. Is that fair? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that makes total sense. So tell me what you want in your life that would allow you to look in the mirror and feel like, I like that guy. I'd like to be porn free. No. Porn is a symptom, dude. Porn works. You don't hear what I'm saying? You don't like Todd. Why? Yeah. Why?

I think it really boils down to my lack of self-control over some things. But what does a lack of self-control get you? Because I don't believe that because you don't look at porn at work in front of your boss. You don't look at porn at church. You don't look at porn when you're at your mom's house. So you can control it in the right environment. Okay.

And so when you're by yourself or when you are in quote unquote your house or when you are stuck in a marriage or a relationship where there's no life left in it, what would you like to be true? Well, what I would like to be true is not feasible right now. And that's a more intimate relationship with my, with my wife. But what does that mean? That's a very like docile way. You want to have sex a lot more? Yeah. What kind? Just boring married sex?

I don't have a problem with that. My wife has told me many times before when she has engaged with me while she's pregnant, it's not going to be hot. I don't care about any of those things. Okay, you're not a bad person for having seven-minute survival sex. Yeah. You're not. It's not hot, and it's not... I'm sure there's some weird dark web movies about it, but it's not the kind you make movies about. It's the kind you just...

laugh and stumble through right what we've done many times okay so underneath that what's the thing i don't know can i take a guess sure it'd be really awesome if she initiated if you felt desired oh yeah that getting off maybe even secondary to i want you yeah yeah that's all of it

And it sounds like your wife is down if you're like, hey, dude, you got seven minutes? And she's like, yeah, let me get the spit up off my shirt and I'm in. Yeah, that happens rarely, but she's very uncomfortable a lot of times. We're getting into the final weeks of it. But it's been brewing for years, so she almost never initiates. Well, and fair. And also, does she have space to initiate?

No, she's empty at the end of the day. Okay, so where can you lean in? Do you mean by parenting or? I mean by this. Think of sex as a series of brakes and gas pedals. Where in the house, in your marriage environment, in the world can you participate to make yourself desirable?

I feel like I've been doing nothing but that. If I can give you a little bit of background information on that. Let her rip. I used to, when our two youngest were a lot younger, I used to get frustrated about having to get up in the middle of the night because I take the night shift. So my wife can sleep. She's a stay-at-home mom. She's there all day. I come home, I take the night shift off of her. I used to get upset about having to get up in the middle of the night. And ever since I've...

ever since I've tackled this alcohol thing, I've been very more present in my family life. My patience is a lot better. My control over my anger is a lot better. My control over my emotions is a lot better. Things like parenting and watching the girls ride their bike seem much less mundane than they used to. And I feel like I'm trying and trying and trying to be more present in my family and calmer, more

more patient. I feel like I'm trying to do all of those things all the time now. I get that a hundred percent, but the layer I want you to actually explore is you're still that all of the way you just explained that as yet another performance, it's just a different stage. And man, if we were just sitting here chilling, I bet in a few minutes you would tell me that you're just freaking tired of singing and dancing, dude, watching your kids ride their bike.

It might be fun for some people. I don't love it. I love hearing my kids laugh. I love being silly, but there's other stuff I'd rather be doing a lot of the time. And that doesn't make me a bad dad. That doesn't make me a guy who doesn't love his kids and not present with his kids. But you're on another stage trying to become again, something that you're not. Do you hear what I'm saying? Yeah, a little bit.

Here's how you get underneath that stage. You're trying to do all these things that you think she wants, and you're doing all these things that you listen to the right podcast, and they tell you all dads should be doing. All of that, avoid sitting at a table with your wife saying, how can I love you right now? I've actually practiced that a couple of times. How did it go? Um...

I mean, I wouldn't say well. A lot of times she'll get over, I'll come in from work and she'll be absolutely overwhelmed with the kids. And the first thing I'll say is, you know, how can I help you right now? How can I, you know, what can I do to help you? And she'll just be so overwhelmed that she can't even get what she needs out. Okay. So let's have the conversation more not in an overwhelmed state.

If you listen to my show for more than a week, you've probably heard me tell somebody to go to breakfast on a Saturday morning. Yeah. And right this second, by the way, when she's about to have baby number three, everyone's overwhelmed all the time, especially her. Yeah, she is. But when you bust in from the office and she's got one kid, she's about to have another kid, there's a kid setting something on fire and you're like, all right, you tell me what to do. I get that sense of, well, you just look around, do something, right? Yeah.

I do. I know you do. I'm not hating on you. But there's something really powerful and freeing, and if you go to AA, you learn this, of saying, I walk into this situation, I want to do the next right thing, and I don't know what to do. And when I ask you, I understand that that's frustrating, and then I get a lot of shame that I don't even know how to make my wife feel less overwhelmed when she's holding two kids about to give birth to a third. I feel powerless. Yeah.

Or here's the other word. I feel unuseful. I feel undesirable. And then I want to check in with you. And the only way I know to feel desirable is you to say, I want to have sex with you. And I'm not going to do that to you. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a good partner. So I'm not going to do that. I'm going to work all day and I'm going to stay up all night, which is equally as unsustainable for you as it is for her. And then I'm just going to go jerk off in the bathroom because it's just easier for everybody.

And then here comes your mother's voice again. How dare you XYZ? See what I'm saying? The whole loop starts over again. That's pretty accurate. And until you get underneath the shame part of this, which is I don't know how to make my house feel peaceful.

Yes. And you have to have a partner who will say, I'm not going to condemn you for not having a skill set. I will teach you. I'll walk with you. And you have to be a modern male and not be like, you can't disrespect. Thank God. Tell me. Just tell me, please. To be real, real direct. My wife gave me a list of questions to not ask when she was having our second kid in the hospital. That was the greatest gift because in my trying to love her and help, I make everything more tense.

And if she won't give you that, then you have deeper challenges in your marriage. Okay. Because I was going to say, a lot of times on Saturday mornings, we will have, like let's say my mom watched the kids the night before, we will be able to have coffee at our table and just talk. And even in situations like that, I've asked the question of, how can I make your life easier? What can I do to help?

And it's hard for her to give it to me. And I don't know why. Ask a different question. Because what you're doing when you do that is you're making the chaos of the house yet even more her responsibility. Now she's got to take care of you too. So I'm just supposed to know? No, it's a different question. Will you teach me? Okay. How to do the dishes? Will you teach me the best way I can do X, Y, and Z with a diaper?

And now what you're doing is saying, I don't need you to solve yet another problem for me. I need you to share your expertise with me so I can get on with it. You see what a huge shift that is? I do. Yeah. But that's you being humble. That's not you saying, all right, solve my problem too. It is teach me a few skills so that I can...

Begin to feel a little more in my skin. And dude, I guess when it comes to pornography, you get to decide, man. Hope that helps, man. There's layers to it. There's layers to it, my brother. And I think you're on the right path. And I think you're a good guy. I really do. I think you're a good guy. I think you're trying to solve this with more tasks and more actions. I want you to get to the deeper layer, which is, my God, I feel helpless in my own house. Let's deal with that one. When we come back, man wonders if his ex-wife is keeping him from moving on.

All right, it's time to talk about Helix. Summer is here. Sun's up earlier, school's out, so the kids are going bananas. And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. So I'm going to be real with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids, and at work, everything feels harder than it should. Sleep isn't just about closing your eyes and resting.

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for you. Plus right now, my audience gets exclusive savings on the Helix 4th of July sale, 27% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com slash Deloney and get 27% off. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash Deloney. With Helix, better sleep starts right now. We're back. Hey, take two seconds, please, and hit the subscribe button and the thumbs up button.

Just real quick, wherever you're listening to this, just hit the subscribe button for all the algorithm, whatever reasons. It just changes everything for all of us, you included. So please take two seconds to do that real quick. And now we're going to roll out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. We were born and raised in the playground. That's where Henry spent most of his days. What's up, Henry? Hey, how are you? Doing all right, brother. What's up with you?

I'm great. I'm doing well. Thanks for letting me chat with you here. You got it, man. What's up? Yeah, you kind of summed up a bit, I guess, the question, but backstory a little. Got divorced or separated at the beginning of January of 2020, right before. Gosh. Right? Man. And it was due to...

My alcoholism. That was the cause of it. I've been sober for over two years now. Yeah, dude. Thank you. It's been great. Hey, hey, don't blow by that. That's a huge deal. Congratulations, man. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate that. That's amazing. So we have three boys, three fantastic knuckleheaded boys. Awesome. And...

We co-parent very well. We spend most holidays together, boys' birthdays together. And it's, you know, we've made things work and have made them the priority. That's been first and foremost there. But I've recently...

Started dating. It scares the hell out of me. I feel lost trying to do that. But recently when I was talking to someone that I'd been on a date with, she thought my relationship that I had there was a bit squished.

maybe a bit strange or tough for someone to get over that I still have with my boy's mom. And she said we had just taken a trip to Las Vegas. We hadn't had many vacations in the past, but for spring break, I got everybody plane tickets, book room shows, and I got my ex, you know, ticket as well, her own room.

And, uh, we all went, you know, we went together and, uh, she, she just kind of mentioned that it would be tough for, for her, I guess, but she could see and thought others that she thought it might be a bit too much and maybe seemed like I haven't quite moved on. And so that's the question. Am I, am I holding myself back, shoot myself in the foot there, trying to find a new relationship? Um,

already kind of with my hands tied a bit. And I got tons of thoughts on this one. The first one is, whoever this person you went on one date with is get their voice out of your head. She doesn't get a vote. Good, okay. Like you swiped right and matched. Like she doesn't get a vote into how you've reconstructed your life out of ash. But clearly that sparked something in you. And yeah, I guess it...

And maybe I just pondered on it too much or... And I've gotten... Since I've been sober and just re-evaluating everything and what...

I wanted to get, sometimes I've doubted myself, I guess. And my, you know, what I think, what I think I'm doing is right. That isn't, or not necessarily right. Just reading social cues, possibly. Yeah. You're learning to trust yourself again. That's awesome. Yeah. So let me ask you this, the elephant in the room question.

Yeah. If your ex-wife called you tonight and said, hey, I want to talk in the morning. Can you go to breakfast with me? And she said, hey, I've just seen how you've changed and I still love you. Would you want to give this another shot? What would you say? It would take a lot of counseling. It would be a conversation. I know. What would you say? I could say, yeah, we could talk. Yeah. But there would be, there's fences all over there. I know, I know, I know. Is that a possibility?

Is there a possibility that you have become the man that she so desperately wanted you to be for all those years? Yeah, I guess. And maybe that's a lot of it because I feel like that I'm trying to be. Listen, listen, listen, listen, man. Can I tell you something that people who get sober don't always understand fully for a while? Yeah. Bro, we're all trying. All of us. That firm footing, that feeling of like, I'm nailing this, that's elusive for all of us.

And I've got my own demons. I don't struggle with alcohol. But dude, I don't, most of the days I don't wake up. In fact, it's the rare day that I exhale at night when my kids are asleep and I think out loud, I did today well. And I understand that very well. You know what I mean? And most guys, especially, I know moms do it too, but I'm talking to you, a dad. Most dads just focus on all the things they screwed up. I shouldn't have yelled. I shouldn't have been on my phone. I wish I'd gotten home a little bit earlier. I shouldn't have worked so much.

But it's dishonest to not also say, I nailed this one. Today was a good day. Okay. I was present today and it felt good. Yeah. So here's the thing. Let's say if you've come up with a parenting arrangement and a co-parenting arrangement and you've got a friendship with your ex that is –

harmonious and you both are each other's cheerleaders because you will always be bound together because you made three humans together. If you create that and it works for y'all, then whoever you date will have to understand that they're going to always have to come behind those kids, especially while those kids are still minors and still on the payroll. Definitely. Period. And so if you date somebody and they start dragging you, you always are just talking about your kids and what about me? They're not your person.

Right. Somebody who's like, I would love to be number one in your life, but I love you enough. And I think you're fun and exciting and hilarious at all, whatever the things you are stable or whatever. And I know eyes wide open what I'm getting into because you have already built a life with somebody. Then also, and I, and I get that too. I mean, I would, I would hope I would be the exact same way, you know? Sure. The bigger question for me is I don't, man, are you done?

And you named all of the obstacles. Of course, every relationship has obstacles, all of them. By the way, if you meet somebody new and you'll start dating and it gets kind of serious, you're going to have to go to counseling. You're going to have to figure out how to navigate this. You and your ex who's your friend will have to navigate this. You and your kids, your kids still have a fantasy that one day mom and dad are going to get back together. And the day you propose to this new person, the day you walk down the aisle with another person, if you choose to get married again,

that will be a whole new conversation for kids. And so I guess the idea is if you still have feelings for your ex-wife and you're seeing the world clear-eyed now that you're sober and she is seeing, there's that guy. I'm not saying get back together. I'm saying don't avoid that elephant in the room. Have that conversation like friends and grownups. All right.

Okay. And if you still have feelings for her, it, you have a choice. You can continue to play like you don't, but you kind of do meaning I just made us a, uh, I just booked us a family vacation. By the way, did you ever book a family vacation before y'all got divorced? Not like that. There was always a family reunion here or there. It was never like that. Or your wife set it all up. Yeah. Right. Did you ever just come out and pay for everything?

- Before, yeah, I mean, but yes. - Okay, so you did do that. - Yeah. - So here's what I'm getting at. Your wife may have just, I mean, your ex may have been like, oh my gosh, there he is. This guy just planned us a family vacation. And so if you still have feelings for her, but you know y'all aren't getting back together, put that on the table. Hey, I brought us out here to Vegas. I basically booked a family trip.

man, I still have feelings for you. It's too weird for me. We are the best co-parents in the world and we're doing this better than anybody else. I can't do vacations anymore. Romantically, it's hard for me. Or if you know she still has feelings for you, it's something you all got to put down on the table. All right. But if you all have that solved, man, knock your lights out. And the person you date is going to have to know what they're dating into, especially if you tell the truth. Cool. What are you going to do, man? You got me all cliffhangered.

I, I'm still, I, I can't, I don't know if, if I'd want to bring that back up, if I'd want to go back down that road again, I can't, I feel like I've, I've gotten to this level of peace with myself and, and where I am that going back and opening up old wounds and things like that would, I just don't know if, if it'd be worth the,

Why did you book a vacation and invite your ex-wife and pay for her to get her own room to come with you guys to go to shows together, to go do things together? Why'd you do that? The number one reason for it is my boys love their mom. I want to make sure that they understand, too, how important she is in their life and that if we're all out and she's...

back home by herself. I just wanted to make sure she was included. And because it was always something that I felt like I should have done before. And now that I can, I wanted to still let her have the option. And she didn't have to go. I asked her, hey, do you want to come? I'll get you a room. She said, sure. Yeah.

Let's do it. I'm smiling, Henry. I'm smiling real big. Do you hear what you're saying? Maybe I'm that clueless. I'm not sure. I'm hearing you say, I'm becoming the guy that I always wanted to be for her. And so now I'm going to do things so I can show her I'm that guy now. And yes, of course, your kids want to be included, but your kids are kind of the excuse. Okay. I haven't thought of it that way. Did you have fun hanging out with her in Vegas?

Yeah. Yeah, we did. Did y'all laugh? We did. We had a great time. Did you hold hands? No. No, we didn't. Okay. You just said that all sad. Did you want to? No, I... Not really. Okay. Not really. Did you sneak into her room? No. Good. No. Just kidding. I don't...

So here's the thing. I want you to get, and let me back all the way out because, man, the YouTube comments are going to be ugly to me on this one. I want you to back all the way out, and here's why I'm pushing on you. I want you to be certain about your particular heart towards this woman. And if you don't want to get back together with her, but you want to still prove something to her or prove something to yourself, then don't use her to do that.

All right. That helps. Don't, if you want to prove something to yourself about the kind of guy you think you are now that you weren't back then, don't use your kids to do that, man. Cause it can be confusing for them. Wow. Okay. That helps. If I really like spending time with her and it's going to be a minefield. Yeah. And I'm not sure that I do there. That's great. Great. Good. Great. And I just want you to become clear so that when some swipe right, uh,

says, I don't think... Then you can be like, whoa, chill. There's no romantic feelings here. She will always be in my life because we made three amazing kids together and she's a close friend of mine. And if that's too much for you, great. I understand that. That's a lot. And as the great philosopher once said, bye, Felicia. There you go. That works. Is that fair? It is. You're the man, dude. I appreciated that. You're the man. Hey, let me know how it goes. And dude,

I'm such a sucker romantic and that's what makes me not good at this job because I get so like blinded by it. But if you do ask her on a date, please call me and let me know. I'll just be wondering. Cool. All right. Will do. Thanks for the call, my brother. Appreciate you a lot, dude. Appreciate you. All right. Coming up, I'm going to answer one of your, am I the problem questions?

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Since switching to Cozy Earth, my sleep quality has shot up and I wake up refreshed and I think I look kind of rad in these joggers. So if you're ready to beat the heat and look good when you're out on the town or just wrestling with the kids, go to CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney to get 40% off. That's CozyEarth.com slash Deloney, code Deloney. Listen, stay cool, everybody.

All right, we're back. Kelly Hall, I want them to get back together. That last call. I kind of do too. He needs to let us know the tea. I have no stake in this, but I'm such a sucker. Romantic. I want them to get together. All right. So just for everybody listening, this is Kelly 2.0. A much younger version of the other Kelly. The other Kelly, though, is standing, sitting behind her.

watching as she's producing today's show congratulations this is the this is the big kid chair thank you it's an honor can you feel the sincerity i just i felt all of the sincerity why am i surrounded by like just sarcastic mean women all right go ahead

All right. So today's am I the problem question comes from Aaron in Traverse City, Michigan. He writes. A-A-Ron or A-R-I-N? A-A-Ron. Okay. My wife stays at home with our children and loves when I call her during my workday. However, generally when I do, she will complain about the kids or me. I find myself finding reasons not to call her. Am I the problem? No. No. If you call somebody and just to be a trash dump,

then yeah, it's not weird that you don't want to just go get garbage dumped on you. And so if your wife likes talking to you during the day or if your husband likes talking to you during the day just to hear from you, just like a touchstone, like, okay, we're still together. I like hearing your voice. You have a funny joke. Awesome. If I just want to call you in the middle of the day so you can know how crappy my life is right now and I hope you're having fun at work, then yeah, nobody wants to engage in that.

And so I think the bigger challenge is I love talking to you and here's the nature of our conversations. And that's the harder conversation. But no, I wouldn't want to call anybody, much less my wife, just to hear how bad I am. Right. I wouldn't want to call my boss. I don't like calling Kelly because every time I'm just kidding. She doesn't like I don't want to call somebody and just hear how terrible I am. Like that doesn't make me excited for that call.

And if you're excited to talk to me just so you can tell me how crappy I am, I don't like that. That just doesn't feel right. What do you think? You're newlywed. What do you think?

I am not a mom yet. So I would just, my question is, is she getting the support that she needs while at home? And is this their only like connection time? Like does she, is she set up for success with connecting with friends or does she have that support system around her? So she doesn't feel like that's her only like outlet in her break during the day. Yes. And I hear this a lot. Actually, when I am working with business owners, I hear this a lot from their spouses.

My partner comes home. Often husbands come home and all they do is just vomit about how work sucked and this happened and this, this guy works awful and whatever. And you start to see like just wives start to shy away when husband gets home because I just don't want to hear about it all. And I just overly gendered it. It works both ways. People come home from work and they just vomit on each other.

As you just pointed out because they have no one else to talk to they have no other friends They don't have someone to call when they get home. They don't just go straight to the gym or go Journal or whatever weird thing you want to do that's helpful And so couples just end up walking home I just picture it like I walk in the door and I dump my trash can on you and then you dump your trash can on me and then we just sit in each other's garbage and at some point like I don't want that anymore. I want to do something else and

I think it's breaking that cycle. And usually that cycle is broken with external support, which is a good call. Man, look at you already producing the crap out of this show. Kelly 2.0. Kelly .05, you should be terrified. There's a new Kelly in town. Old Kelly just pulled out a sword. Whoa, she's making her own tattoos. Whoa. Love you guys. Bye.