I Love My Wife, but I Don’t Want to Be Around Her
54:36 Share

I'm not comfortable in a room with her, especially alone. In big groups, it's not such a big deal, but my knee-jerk reflex, even if there's like, oh, I could tell my wife's been in this room, I'm just like, ugh, my wife's been here, and I hate that about myself. Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships, kids, and your

Spouse, whatever you got going on, I'm here to sit with you and figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on the show. It's real people going through real hard stuff. Go to johndeloney.com. That's D-E-L-O-N-Y, johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K, or give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291, and you can leave a message. And Kelly may holler back girl at you, even though she ain't no holler back girl. And I want everyone to know, right before the show started...

We were all talking and I said, and I quote, this particular woman who walked through is over like two-fourths of the company. To which Kelly felt it really important to say, actually, you can reduce that fraction. It's one-half of the company. I didn't say it quite that way, but overall. That's how I heard it in my heart. I just said, you mean one-half? You know that friend that just corrects? Oh, that friend that's right? No, every friend has a math nerd friend. That's you. Yeah.

Actually, I'm not a math nerd. Overall, numbers are not my thing. You're four-eighths a math nerd. You're eight-sixteenths a math nerd and the other eight-sixteenths. Yes, go ahead. Let's go to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Tyler. What's up, Tyler?

So my question is, my wife and I, we've been married for 18 years. We've got four amazing kiddos, and I love her very much. I want to take good care of her and want the best for her. But in the past seven years, I really lost that loving feeling to the point where I don't really enjoy spending time with her. I don't...

I'm not comfortable in a room with her, especially alone. In big groups, it's not such a big deal. And it's gotten kind of to the point where kind of my knee-jerk reflex, even if there's like, oh, I could tell my wife's been in this room. I'm just like, ugh, my wife's been here. And I hate that about myself. Why don't you like her? My question is... Why don't you like her? It's not the love and feeling. You don't like her. Why don't you like her? Why aren't y'all friends? I'm...

I, I, I'm always, I'm always thinking. You just gotta be honest. You gotta be honest. You're already in it now. You gotta be honest. Why aren't you friends? Yeah. Um, I don't like the way she treats me. I don't like. Tell me about that. Um, she's, she's gotten a lot better. Stop, stop, stop hedging. Stop hedging. Just tell me the truth.

Um, she's not nice to me. She calls me names. Uh, she is full of insults. Um, and it, and I think it, it betrays how she really feels about me. Um, like, um,

So just in the course of conversation, a couple years ago I was like, hey, I'm self-employed. I think it's time to hire somebody. I think I need to hire somebody. And her response isn't, oh, is the business growing? No, it's, oh, you're so lazy. This work beneath you, you just can't do it yourself. I'm like, no, I think this is, you know. But it just cuts me really deeply into,

that that's how she sees me. And if I were really, if I, if I really felt like I was a lazy person, I'd be like, Oh, that's a fair assessment. But I just feel like my wife should be able to tell me that in a way that's loving and encouraging and not skating like that. The thing that is the defining characteristics of marriages that make it are at the end of the day, they're friends. And what I would tell you is right now,

Um, and I'm just gonna, is it, can I just have your permission just to be pretty blunt? Is that cool? I mean, if you must. Okay. Um, your wife's like not a good friend. How long has this been going on? Oh, um, we, we have, we have a long history. Um, and there's, I mean, there's, there's a, there's a good deal of trauma in there too. Um,

What does that mean? So we met in college through the college Christian group. I was pretty...

immature and uncertain about my theology. We were, we were trying to stay like, you know, when we, when we became romantically involved, um, we were, we were trying to stay pure before marriage and all that. And she literally couldn't,

For starters, we kind of divulged our sexual history too soon. And then I felt like I couldn't break up with her because then it would seem like it was because I was upset about her sexual past or whatever. And then it was like she was auditioning to be my wife. It was like she couldn't keep her hands off me.

I had, this came up in like a marriage counseling thing that I, my jaw hit the floor when she said this several years ago, she said she, she had sexually assaulted me in, in one of our dorm rooms. Um, I remember, and this is, this is, I don't know, this, this makes, I feel crazy. I remember being really, really mad at her after the fact. And I remember thinking like, no one is going to believe me. Okay. Um,

And I, I was, I remember, this is the wild thing. I remember being so mad at her, but not remembering what I was mad about. Um, and I went to one of the leaders in the Christian group and he said that I needed to forgive her. And that means that I shouldn't, I should act like it didn't happen. Well, that guy, hold on, stop. That guy sucks. Yes. I understand that now. That guy's, that guy's, uh,

So for people listening who don't have a faith background, what we're talking about here is somebody who established sexual intimacy boundaries. And the other party, I don't care which gender is which, crashed through them. And it's common to not remember details right away. It's common to have overwhelming sensations of emotions, whether it's rage or anger. Sometimes it's laughter. Sometimes it's intense love.

which is the fight, flight, or fawn. I mean, your body responds how it responds how it responds. But then you went and sat with a mentor and said, hey, this just happened. And they said, well, shake it off, dude. And I'm sorry that happened to you.

Yeah, another instance happened later, and I do remember that one. But in the aftermath of that, I was so, so just furious, and I couldn't eat or sleep for, I don't know, several days. Were you mad at her, or were you mad that you'd had this...

You didn't want to have sex with anybody until you got married? Were you mad that you thought God was going to strike you with a lightning bolt? What was the rage? That you said stop and she didn't? Yes. Okay. All right. I felt like I couldn't...

I mean, obviously I could have overpowered her and gotten out of that situation, but like, like where would that have gotten me? You know, like, um, but I told myself, Hey, this will be great. If we get married, it means that she's super into me and we're going to have all this wheels off sex. Right. As, as I've heard it said, but then, uh, so moving ahead, we, we eventually get married and she became a completely different person. Soon as we got married, um,

She just fits a rage. She would just fly off the handle at nothing at all. And I'm like, hey, what's really bothering you? Oh, you put the pot in the wrong sink. What's the matter? Like, how could you... And I'm like, that's not really the issue. Like, yes, it is. You're an idiot. And just, okay. And that went on for about three years. And we went through...

three different marriage counselors who all kind of shrugged and said they didn't know what to do. Um, the third marriage counselor said, let me see her one-on-one, uh, for a while. And that started to help. Our church was not helpful. They were, um, basically the thrust of it was, um, if my, the husband is the head of the household, the wife is the weaker vessel. And if my wife is having a hard time, it's my burden to shoulder and I need to figure this out and make her happy. Um, so I had to, uh,

Just do what, like kind of just let her have whatever she wanted. You want me to, you want to live in this kind of house? Like whatever she wanted was what we, was what I had to, I had to do and accommodate. You've gotten the worst faith integrated life advice ever. Yeah. I would, I would say so. Golly, dude, I'm sorry, man. I hate it for you. I hate it. So do me a favor. Bring me to right now.

Okay, so. Hold on, let me hop in here. You have a woman since you were dating has a complete and total disregard for the person in front of her, which happens to be you. And when you've sought help every step along the way, people have said either trained licensed professionals have said, I don't know, man, or they've given you horrific wisdom.

Well, not all of them were licensed, but yeah. Which I wasn't going to go there. I was trying to give people the benefit of the doubt, but often Christian counselors are the worst. They're the worst. The reality is, where do you find yourself right now? Because as painful as this is for me to say, having my own history of having to go through some hard, hard stuff, we're here right now. And the only thing we can change is what happens next.

I try to do the breakfast thing. There's this mental health podcast I'm addicted to. Which is another call. Hopefully I can quit that. No, that's what's one good addiction to always keep. Always keep that one. So I was like, hey, I've been listening to this show.

He's got some good ideas, and what if we sit down and have breakfast and really iron out? She couldn't hear anything I said after that. She just started crying. She was like, oh my gosh, you want to divorce me? It just became this thing. I was like, maybe I should have softened my startup. I didn't think that was...

Look, it seems like you're off the rails right now. Maybe we can try to have this conversation later. But yeah, I would love to be married to someone that I could talk about, hey, let's go get breakfast and not have her just blow up at me. That would be nice. You're with somebody that does not sound psychologically stable, Tyler. If she is, she's a powerfully manipulative person.

emotionally painful person to be in the room with. The benefit of the doubt is she's struggling with some pretty deep, significant issues that she needs some clinical help with. She'll probably always be unstable, but she's matured a lot in 18 years and she's made changes and she doesn't fly off the handle as often and doesn't call me names as often.

nearly as often. Can you be her friend? I think so. She won't even go to breakfast with you, Tyler. We did go to breakfast. We kept the conversation superficial. That's not friendship. That's job interview. Friendship is not getting bit. That's avoidance.

Friendship is, can I tell you all the good stuff? The amazing stuff. Can I tell you the bad stuff? And can I tell you the really dark stuff? Can you see all of me and still say, I love you? I'm in. You can't even hire an employee of your own business without being called less than, without some sort of character attack. Yeah. I don't doubt she's worked really hard. That's amazing. What I hear you telling me is, it was so bad.

That this is better than I'll accept that. I trust you on that. Yeah. So, so how do we move forward? I want to, I want to get out of that past. I want to, I want to own it and change my future. I think you have to ask yourself, what do I actually want? And then you have to be clear about what that's going to look like. If you scream at me again, if you belittle me again, if you hit me again, if you take our money and buy stuff that we haven't agreed on again,

If you are otherwise a person who lacks fidelity and integrity in this relationship, then you are opting out of being married to me. And you, Tyler, have to make peace. If you have forgiven somebody, replaying it over and over and over and over is a choice to drag the past into the present. Yeah.

And that's not fair either. If she's somebody who's working hard and working hard and working hard, and every time she starts to get ahead, you bring up the past and hit her over the side of the head with it. I don't want to be that person. I just get really twitchy. Yeah, you got to deal with your trauma, and you haven't dealt with it yet. It will find a way out. It's probably your body working exactly it was designed to, to keep you safe, keep you safe, and you still have a snapping turtle in your living room.

That's bitten you and bitten you and bitten you and bitten you emotionally spiritually psychologically physically sexually And you're still trying to figure out how do I like? Hi, how do I uh, there's not a thing you can say not a thing you can do You've said everything you need to say and you've done everything you need to do The next move is you looking in the mirror with a professional professional licensed counselor that you trust saying, okay How do I begin to solve for peace and safety in my life? What must be true for the life? I want to build

And you start solving for that question. And when you have some security there, you invite your wife in and say, okay, here's what this is going to look like. We're not going for, she only hurts me or hits me or violates me or flies off the handle every once in a while now. We're looking for none of that. What must be true for me to be safe in my own house? And I know if it's happening to you, it's happening to the kids too. What must be true for you to get off your phone for hours and hours and hours and hours at a time? What must be true for us to become friends? We've never been friends.

All right, let's talk about cozy earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been chaos. It's all been screwed up and I've been spending more time on screens than I like. I was traveling for the holidays all over the place. Listen, here's the deal.

Starting the year off right means starting with good sleep, and that means creating a space that actually helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps my entire family cool and comfortable all night. It's perfect for creating that sleep sanctuary we all need to be restored.

My wife sleeps in Cozy Earth's long-sleeved bamboo pajamas every night. She loves them. And we both love the Cozy Earth bath linens, and they have the best towels in the world. And I've fallen for their Cityscape hoodies. I love them. Listen, this new year, let's do a restart. Let's put down the phone. Let's set a regular bedtime. Let's get comfortable when possible. And let's invest in our sleep. All of this with Cozy Earth.

Because when we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. Right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit CozyEarth.com slash Deloney and use code Deloney. That's CozyEarth, C-O-Z-Y dot com slash Deloney.

All right, so I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside and Play Club. I think I may be the only member. And yet, like all of you, I often find myself at work or in my personal life living on the internets.

As a society, we've created more and more online accounts for everything. And we're all always signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers and buying everything with our phones. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff all the time. Drives me nuts. And with all this online activity,

Do we really know where our data is and who even has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.

But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites, and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace.

This new year, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney.

All right, we're back. Let's go to Memphis, Tennessee, down the street and talk to Charmaine. Hey, Charmaine, what's going on? So I lost 100 pounds. Yeah. I don't. How long did that take you? Two and a half years. Yes, sir. How'd you do that?

Well, it was a long process. I also have PCOS and the rest of my family struggles with obesity. So it was kind of like a one-man show for a while. How'd you do it? I started my...

It was really about sustainability. Like, what can I do for a long amount of time? And also just getting to the root of it, I think was the biggest thing. And that's what I wanted to talk to you kind of about because when I was addressing that root, a lot of things sprung up. Yeah, they did. Now I feel like I'm a totally different person and I'm just like...

I don't even know who I am. Like, do I date myself? I'm smiling ear to ear for you right now. Here's why. I know what hell you went through. And I know everyone looks at your Instagram and sees the before and afters and it's cool. They don't see how much hell you got from family members who are supposed to love you, who you know are feeling miserable every day. And yet they want to project that onto you.

Yeah. And how lonely it was and how cold in the mornings it was when you got up to go walking and how hot it was in the summer. Like, I'm so proud of you right now. I'm bursting in my seat right here. Oh, thank you so much, Dr. John. That really means a lot. Here's the deal. Beyond the weight, forget the number. I want you to know that I see how hard you've worked. I'm so proud of you.

Thank you. You were very motivating. I was walking to you for like hours and hours and I would hear your voice. So, I mean, I would thank you. Well, women have been walking away from me for years, Charmaine. That's kind of my thing. I was walking with you. I was walking with you. What an honor, dude. What a blessing. All right. So how can I help? What's up?

Yeah, so I wanted to get more of a, just, I feel like I have a lot of pieces in my head, like, because I feel like it's more of a psychological battle now than a physical one. I'm basically at the end of my journey, and, like, I would love to look myself in the mirror, put my fist to my chest and say, I love this woman, but I can't. Why? Because I don't know who I, I don't know who I am. That's not true. That's not true. That's internet-y gobbledygook.

You know who you are. Why don't you believe it? So many things have changed, though. I can give you some examples. Rattle them off. The first thing is looking at myself in the mirror, I just don't recognize myself. Yes. That's a cognitive thing that's really weird. You catch yourself out of the corner of your eye and you're like, oh, oh, that's me. Yeah. Yeah. I cannot tell you how many times via Zoom or on my phone where I look at myself and I'm like, is

is that me? Like, it's very, very weird. But I think deeper than that, for me, like, I've always had this, like, script when you talk about, like, what's the undercurrent of your life? Like, I know I found out what that script is. And I know that in order to, like, overcome that, I have to have something different. But I don't know what to replace it with.

You know, I always thought I was the ugly, fat friend who I didn't have anybody. But that's not true. I know it's not true now. And I deserve love and stuff like that. But how do I replace that with something? Well, the script has always been like, you know, I'm undesirable, you know, from the people around me to friends. I'm the butt of every joke.

You know, I'm always just like this alien that has no space where I can really like be myself. Okay, here's what you're doing. And it's so natural and so normal, but I want to free you for a second, okay? Okay. What you just described is a lifetime of other voices. And it sounds like you've read my book, so you know what I'm talking about when I say other people have been dropping bricks into your backpack your whole life.

And you've been carrying their stuff around forever. Not to mention you carry it up. When I say cultural, I mean in your family, a whole family generation, whole network of obesity. And there's no judgment there, man. That's stress. That is trying to get through life. That is finances. That is a thousand different things, right? And for some reason, it's somehow, some way, one half of America,

is now clinically obese. And you said, I'm done. And so what you've done now is you've changed everything. But you're looking for other people's voices to fill up what happens next. Because they've been directing every step you've taken your whole life. Eat this. Don't leave anything on your plate. Oh my gosh, are you kidding me? We don't do that here. This family... You've let other voices carry you this far. And what you're feeling now is this terrifying freedom

which is Charmaine gets to choose what happens next. And I'm going to tell you something crazy. There's no rules. And that means that can be terrifying or that can be the most wheels off, reckless, super fun. Let's have adventures. So let me ask you this question that maybe nobody's ever asked you before. Who do you want to go be? I've never really, yeah, nobody's asked me that question before. I know. Who do you want to go be? Don't overthink it. You've been overthinking your whole life. Don't overthink it.

Don't overthink it. Someone adventurous, someone who has integrity, someone who is hardworking, someone who wants to, I don't know, try new things and meet more people. Okay, so that person you just described, that's the woman I'm hearing on the phone right now. Two and a half years ago, you went on a hella adventure to lose 100 pounds. You lost two of my daughters.

Okay. So you went on an adventure. You did real, real, real hard work. You were a person of integrity. You made a goal and a commitment to yourself and you kept it and you kept it and you kept it, especially when it was hard, especially when you got low, especially when you and your boyfriend before he was your fiance, y'all got in fights and you know the things that made you feel better in the past, but they were short term and you didn't. You know how to work hard. You know how to be a person of integrity. That's you now.

Right. And I think the thing that, to your point, that I've been reckoning with is I was an emotional eater. So when I was sad, I ate. When I was mad, I ate. When I was depressed, I ate. You're happy you ate? Yeah, when I was happy, I ate. Yeah.

Everything, everything, yeah. And then, like, because I don't go to food now, now I'm looking, like, at the relationships I've had because I've always been kind of like a people pleaser, like, go with the flow. But I'm realizing I wasn't really going with the flow at all. I was just depressing all of my emotions. Yes! And now it's just like this new person where it's like, or maybe it wasn't even a new person. It was just me all along. That's right. And that's what I'm trying to reconcile. Well, so...

You were probably told all of your life what you weren't. And now you're reckoning with cognitive dissonance because you can see who you've become, unleashed. I think you're right. I think you were in there all along. There were just layers and layers of stories and other people's trauma telling you what you could never be. So here's what this new transformation is going to cost you. Old relationships where people needed you to be the overweight friend because it made them feel better about their lot in life. Mm-hmm.

People needed you to be the girl without the boyfriend because it gave them permission to make bad dating decisions. They needed you to be just like everyone else at the table because your weight loss brings guilt and embarrassment to some people. But if you think it through, many of those relationships that felt safe and warm were predatory. They were using you. And so this transformation will cost you those relationships. And those real ones, the real ones,

They will laugh and scream every time they see you because they're still so proud of you. Here's the part that you got to do next. You've got to practice having adventures. Put them on the calendar. You got to put two new things on the calendar. And here's the thing. I have adventure set up, but I'm scared. Of course. I'm getting married soon. Yeah. You know, I've studied abroad. I've done a lot of interesting things, but it's just like,

I don't, it's like, wow, this is the new me. Like this is, this is kind of, I don't know, crazy. And I'm kind of trying to connect the dots and. You're overthinking it. Your excitement feels a lot like anxiousness. Yeah. Your optimism and joy and being scared. All of that is right. Just because it's scary doesn't mean it's a wrong path.

Gotcha. Just because it's like, oh my gosh, this is me. Yep, it's you. And by the way, go on a couple of adventures and you might find you don't like one of them. That's cool. You might not like two of them. That's cool. Just don't do those anymore. That's when I go back to saying there's no more rules. You and your husband get to co-create whatever world you want to. And for a young woman who's been told her whole life, you just have to go to the corner because you're less than, you're not enough because of how you look, how you dress, the family you're in.

This is wild new territory. How old are you? Right. I'm 22, sir. For 20 years, people have told you don't do what you're about to do. For 20 years, people told you that some man would never pick you. Are you about to marry a good man? Oh, yeah. He's great.

Like he's great, like on a Excel spreadsheet or he's great. Like, nah, kind of gross. Like, no, he, he, we met, he met me in the right smack dab in the middle of my journey. And he's just been so consistent. Like the love's been so consistent. And that's another thing where I'm like, he loves me for who I am.

Like, that's scary. I know. It doesn't matter what the outside looks like now. But that's the one question. That's the one question. Now that you see all of me, do you still love me? And he looked at you and said, till the day I die. Yeah. What you have to practice is believing that because nobody's ever told you that.

Right. They've used you and your love to them has been conditional on how you look, how you act, how you dress, what you do, what you don't do. And then you found this guy that says, no, no, no, no. I see you till death do us part. I'm in. And what you got to do is practice it. Here's what practice looks like. It might be writing him a letter until y'all get married once a week, once a day, short one. It might be writing you dear Charmaine. I'm so proud of you. Here's who we get to be today.

Tomorrow you wake up. Dear Shermaine, so proud of you. Here's who we get to be today. Write a letter to 27-year-old Shermaine. I went through hell at the age of 20 so that you could have this amazing life at 27 and let her know what you're going to be doing over the next five years with this new ride or die, handsome pants, grody, commode boy who loves you. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, no, this is great. I was just like, I don't know where to start. I feel scared, but also really excited and run right through the middle of it, screaming your head off right through the fire, right through it. And listen, you're going to mess up. You're going to fall down. People can be like, yeah, I wouldn't do that. And you make anything. And then you'll be like, yeah, I won't do that one again. Like that's part of it. It's all good. Right. But it will cost you old relationships.

I want you to be honest with yourself about the relationships that may have been predatory where people needed you to be the overweight girl. People needed you to be the girl that couldn't get the boyfriend. I want you to be honest about those friends. And I want you to be equally honest about the friends who've been with you the whole way. Kind of like your fiance who knew you through this whole journey, cheered you on. They loved you before. They love you now. They'll love you after. Hold those people tight.

Take them out somewhere special for dinner and you pick up the tab and just tell them, hey, I just want y'all to know I love you. You've been my ride or die for the last two years. I'm heading into Charmaine part three, 3.0. And who knows what that's going to look like. But I may want to go back to school. I may want to get a house. I may want to leave Memphis. I may want to. I may want to. I may want to. It doesn't matter what. You get to pick what happens next.

It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. It's when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable.

So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's actually good for your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it.

Hallow offers 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start each of your days with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's something called the Daily Minute.

Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and even fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now, Hallow is offering three months free when you join at hallow.com slash deloney. That's hallow, H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash deloney for three months of Hallow absolutely free.

All right, we're back. Let's go out to Omaha where they make the stakes. Omaha, Nebraska. Talk to Alan. Hey, Alan, what's up? Hi, I'm doing okay. What's up, man? So my question is, how do I get back? Sorry. How do I get back up after losing my job for the second time? Oh, man. What happened? What happened in a year? Geez. What happened the first time?

Um, so we moved up, me and my wife moved out here to, uh, Omaha. Um, sorry. Okay. Me and my wife moved out here to Omaha, um, and we, for jobs and because it was cheaper. Um, so we did that. Um, the first time, um,

I worked in IT for a company, and I actually thought it was going really well. And then due to some parts, some of it's my fault, miscommunication with my manager at the time they saw fit to let me go the first time. And the first time I was able to get back up, I...

feel like I was able to get back up and running as soon as I, as soon as it happened, I found I was down and I got back up and found another job. And for the second job, I was there for six months and it was, there was a six month probationary period because it was for the local government IT for them. And

At the end of that six months, I was under the impression that they were going to keep me. And so I, me and my wife, actually, we decided to move forward with starting our family. And we found out they were expecting. Sorry. You're all right. You found out you were expecting and then they also, you also found out you lost your job? About a week or two later, yeah. So how far along is your wife? Um...

We just hit the 20-week mark, so she's due in April. Okay. And you're scared to death, aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I'm failing as a husband, and I'm not even a father yet. I'm just going to sit here with you for a second. The psychology research tells me that losing a job, especially one that you don't see coming, has a similar impact to losing a loved one. And when you see it as a matter of provision, I'm going to be a good husband, I'm going to be a good dad,

And it goes away. And especially it seems like it goes away without you even realizing it. Man, that's just, that's a tough loss. And so I think most of us want to scramble up and try to go fix it right away. I want you to grieve it for a minute, man. Okay? Yeah. I've been doing that for about two months now. Okay. That's too long. And I say too long, like you got to go get a job at Walmart or McDonald's or something. That's not your career, but you can't feel your way back to your feet and you can't think your way or podcast your way back to your feet. You got to go do.

Yeah. So I, uh, sorry. Oh, go ahead. Go ahead. Um, well, the first, so looking back, I feel, I don't know why it took me too long, so long to get up and do anything. I finally had the courage to go and, uh, do DoorDash after, which is okay, but it's not great. No, it's not. It's something. It gets you up out of the house. You have to shower.

Yeah. So, Hey, so let's, I don't want to blow by something though, because I think the current ethos in our culture is to blame everybody for everything. If you and me are just hanging out, having some chips and queso, just chit chat, doing some reflecting. If you had to make a list of two or three or four things that you know, you contributed to getting fired right in a row twice, what are three or four things, two or three things that you need to work on that you need to improve? Um,

I had a hard time focusing. Was that a lack of sleep? Was it you don't really know how to do the job? Was it do you need to go get some medication? What do you mean you had trouble focusing? Were you looking at stuff on the internet you shouldn't have been looking at? Were you looking at pornography? Were you looking at YouTube all day? What do you mean by that?

I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was in college. And I never did medication until... Actually, I noticed it was an issue. I realized it was being an issue with my last job. So I did go in to get help, but it was just too late, I think. Okay. I also have wrestled with ADHD my whole life. I'm not any better, any worse than anybody else, but I've learned that a lot of...

things I can do on a day-to-day basis, like activity and exercise, even when I don't want to, and getting out in different temperatures, whether it's cold or whether it's hot, and having some friends, sleeping, putting my phone down. Do any of those things ring a bell? Yeah, I have done woodworking in the meantime, which is my escape. Yeah, and my guess is, because here's what I want you to prove to yourself,

Most people think ADHD is just an inability to focus. It's not true. Because I bet you get to woodworking, you can do that for a long time, can't you? Yeah. Yes. ADHD has a hyper-focus component to it. And so often it's about value. This particular task before me is not worth my time or is lame or is boring or is whatever. So I think a big question you can ask yourself is, is IT the job for you?

There's a lot of downtime, but when there are projects that I actually did really get invested in and I did really enjoy those projects, but just the downtime was how sometimes. Sounds like you're not telling me the whole story, but that's okay. You don't have to dig into it. I want you to spend some time being honest about, okay, what must be true during the downtime? If I did the projects and I did them with excellence and they were outstanding and

The reason is, is I know some, I know, I mean, I work in a building full of IT guys. If you're great at something, you can really knock out the project and you knock it out of the park every time you do it. People, A, will put up with a lot because IT guys are kind of like radio guys. Like there's just some men and women that just see the world and experience it all differently. People will give people a lot of latitude and they'll have hard conversations direct with you. If you do mediocre work when the projects come in,

and you struggle during the off times of finding other things to do, of being a good teammate, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, then yeah, they'll let you go. Here's all I'm saying. I want it to be both and for you. I don't want you to walk away from these two experiences because by the way, these aren't the end of your life. You're going to go on to do some amazing things. Okay. But I want you to listen to what these experiences taught you. And the thing I think you've lost more than anything else is confidence in Alan.

And I want you to regain confidence in Alan and you can't think your way to it. You got to go act your way to it. So here's what I want that to look like. You, I want you to feel a little more confident that you went to a doctor and you did something about this. I want you to feel a little more confident that you made something. I want you to make one project a month for somebody in your woodworking thing and give it to them. Mom, dad, friend, cousin, college roommate, whoever, mail it to them. Tell them some goofball on the internet's told you you needed to do this.

I want you to go down to the local YMCA or down to a local gym, and I want you to start an exercise program. Okay? I want you to make a three-day commitment. I will go for a walk. I will go exercise. I will go lift weights. I'll go do something to begin to make myself feel and know I'm a little more confident. I want you to make a commitment to an hour. This is just for 30 days. An hour before bedtime, put all screens down. Away.

Deal with that awkwardness learn to rediscover your wife. In fact hang on the line. I'm gonna send you a copy I'm gonna send you questions for humans the all three couples deck and the new intimacy deck I want you to go through those with your wife. No screens. No screens. No screens relearn about each other I want you not just to do uber and lyft I'm proud of you for getting up off the couch and going to do that I want you to go get a job at walmart I want you to go get a job where you can possibly end up being an assistant manager

I want you to go just get a job after a job after a job. I want you to work. I want you to go to bed tired at night and you spend a lot of time in your head. That's good. I want you to start writing those things down, get them out of your head because they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin and they spin. I want you to begin doing those things. I want you to find one or two guys you can go walk with. It will meet you at the gym or whatever. And last thing I want you to do, I want you to do that this weekend over the Thanksgiving holiday. We're recording this show right before Thanksgiving. I want you to write your future kid, your kid that's going to be here in April.

Write him or her a letter. Tell him about dad got knocked down. Dad got let go twice of two jobs that he liked and he got real scared. And then write in that letter, here's what dad's going to go do. Dad's going to start exercising. Dad's going to start standing up a little bit taller. Dad's going to start reading. Dad's going to get off his screens and create kind of a screen-ish, free-ish life for when you come along. Dad's going to go work one job, two job, three jobs until he lands another one.

He's going to confront those, the challenges with downtime, the expression of ADHD in the workplace. We're going to confront those things head on and begin to make some changes. I see, I see a bright future ahead of you, Alan. Little step after little step after little step. Here's my challenge to you. Call me back in 30 days. Call me back right before Christmas and let me know how you're doing. I want to know how you're doing. If you're taking step by step by step, I'm proud of you, brother, for making this call.

Forever, I've been talking about my love of red light therapy, my love for infrared saunas, my concerns about the way certain types of light disrupts our mood and our sleep, the amount of EMFs and everything we do and more. And I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment.

I've tried a number of different companies and products, and I'm super excited that we are now partnering with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of Bond Charge products with my own money, and I love them.

Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies with 400 plus of those studies being double blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown any negative side effects. Red light therapy can help with boosting your mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin and skin health, cellulite, stretch marks, and more.

I use my red light therapy panels and mask both the near infrared and the red light up to 10 to 20 minutes each day, sometimes more. And I often do this during my prayer or meditation time when I'm sore from working out or when I'm having trouble sleeping. It has become a cornerstone of my health and wellness practice. And I've also recently ordered Bond Charge's infrared sauna blanket, their special lamps and light bulbs for my home and more.

Bond Charge ships worldwide in rapid time, and their products, including red light therapy, are HSA and FSA eligible. Bond Charge offers easy returns and exchanges and a 12-month warranty on all red light therapy devices. Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use code DELONI to save 15% off. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E dot com slash DELONI and use code DELONI to save 15%.

All right, we are back, Kelly. What's something cool that happened? All right, this is from a married pair of Marines. This is from Sharon and Owen Cisbarro. A married pair of Marines. Well, a couple, and they are both retired Marines.

You said that the most awkward way possible. So Sharon Sisparo is a major U.S. Marine Corps retired. Awesome. And Owen is also, ooh, he's also an M.D. He's fancy pants. Dang. And major U.S. Marine Corps retired. So look at that. We've got fancy people that watch this show. Semper Fi. I was raised by a Marine, so. I was about to say, like, I don't know if you're allowed to say that. Yeah, I was raised by one. So it counts? Yeah.

All right. Hi, Dr. John. Everybody in the booth is like, okay, all right, cool. Hi, Dr. John. Wanted to thank you so much for the questions for humans. My husband and I just celebrated our 10-year anniversary and spent every night of our anniversary week going on dates together and using the new intimacy questions for humans. It was incredible. We learned so much about each other, specifically our gas and brake pedals. It's opened up so much for us, and we feel like more life has been breathed into our relationship. Thank you.

know that our prayers for your continued work are with you. It's helping people in relationships heal. P.S. We've passed along your podcast to so many people that the other day I mentioned it to a friend who was in a rough situation and my husband just said he needs some Dr. Deloney. As two retired Marines, we have your podcast at the ready for any battle. Dude, that's so rad. Hey, thank you two for being amazing people. When I think about what I do for a living, I just like take a knee and like, way to go guys. And then...

How awesome of an idea is a 10-year anniversary instead of going on a date every night that week? That's rad. Yeah, I've never heard that, but that's super cool. Yeah, you have to be intentional, plan it. That's kind of an awesome idea. And then just to get weird, awesome. Good call, dude. Well, dude, shout out. As I'm heading into Thanksgiving break, I'm grateful for that. There's a couple out there, couples like that out there. What'd you call them?

A married pair of Marines that are out there changing the world. It's amazing, guys. Thank you all so, so, so much. We very much appreciate it. And I apologize for Kelly trying to co-opt your experience. Seriously. Granddaughter of a Marine. Daughter of a Marine. Nephew is a Marine. Cousins are Marines.

I think I'm okay if I say Semper Fi. Now I'm stuck because I'm either going to get like 500 cards and letters from Marines being like, she can say it! Yeah. Or I'm going to get like three like, how dare? If it makes them feel any better, I've married ex-Navy. My husband is Navy and my Marine Corps father is probably rolling over in his grave that I married a Navy man.

I have a joke that I'm not even going to make because I like your husband. He's pretty awesome. Hey, everybody, happy Thanksgiving. This show will come out way after Thanksgiving into the new year. But just know that the day before Thanksgiving, I'm thinking about you all. I wish you guys the absolute best. We'll see you soon.

Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.