I’m Angry All the Time and It’s Ruining My Life
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How can I stop being unpredictable and rebuild trust with my wife? Lately, I've been called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You know, I need to be a dad. Yeah. Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. But what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney show. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your dating life, whatever you got going on in your world.

I'm here to help. And by help means I'm just going to sit with you. I think we're in a world where everybody just talks at everybody all the time. Most of the time, we know what the next right step is. It's just hard to make it. Or just we got 50 different options and choices and opinions and just need someone to sit with us. So that's what this show is about, man. Me sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. I've been doing this for over two decades. And

It's one of the greatest honors in the world when someone calls and says, hey, man, will you just sit with me and let's figure this thing out. If you want to be on this show, it's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. Let's roll down I-65 and go to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Barry, Barry. What's up, Barry? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. Heck yeah, brother. What's up?

So the base question is, how can I stop being unpredictable and rebuild trust with my wife and kids? Man, that's a big question, dude. What precipitated the question? What happened? Well, lately I've been called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And my kids are— By who? By who? Your wife? My wife. Okay. My wife. Is she right?

Yeah, I think so. All right. Good on you for owning it. All right, so keep going. So my kids are, I don't want to say scared, but really nervous to come to me about anything. They'll go to my wife and try to get her to tell me because they don't know how I'm going to respond. My wife doesn't either. Me and her don't have conversations anymore. We do the basic things.

You know, how's your day? What's going on? Who's taking the kids to practice? That type of stuff. We've become roommates because, you know, they just don't know how I'm going to act or respond to questions or, you know, anything that's brought up to me. So what is, well, how long has this been like this, man? Oh, wow.

She says it's been a long time and I'm just now starting to kind of realize it. I finally started going to, you know, to a doctor, therapy and things like that. And I've just come to realize that I, to me, I really only have pretty much two emotions. I'm either angry or upset or I'm just laid back. And I don't,

I don't know how to change it where my kids will come to me and I can, you know, I need to be a dad. Yeah. You know. Can I just, can I like, man, if you were here, I'd stop what we're doing and I'd give you a hug. And I know that you might bristle at that at first, but what you're saying is real heavy and there's millions and millions of dads in your exact spot.

What you're saying out loud is hard, and I'm proud of you. It's a courageous thing you're doing, okay? Yeah, it is. Now, here's the challenge you have. You don't trust you either. You don't come to you with the truth about what you feel about certain things. You anger it away, you rage it away, or you numb it out. You football game it away. And so what you're asking your kids to do and your wife to do is something that you won't even do.

And so instead of trying to fix some things so that your kids will come to you, I want to turn off that nuclear reactor that's in your chest. Because somehow you woke up. How old are you? 36. You woke up at 36 and you don't like the life you live. Why? All the things you're saying, tell me if I'm out to lunch, man, because I could be way off. Is a guy who's just so tired.

Yes. But you're tired because you've been at war inside your own chest for so long. You don't think you make enough money. You don't like the job that you do. You don't like that you don't show up for your wife, but you don't have any tools in your toolkit, so you just get madder and louder about it, and it makes it work, right? Oh, yeah. Your friends have all gone off to do stupid stuff. Alabama sucked this year. Like all of it, right? It's all in the middle of your chest, right? Definitely. Where does that come from, man?

How long have you not liked the skin that you're in, your life? You only get one, dude. You only get one, and you're like more than a third over. I've just come to the realization not too long ago that I don't like myself. Yeah, why? I want to say I don't really have anything to show for my life, but I've got five kids, a great wife. I got a job that I love. Okay. But I just...

I don't like who I am. A lot of men who don't like who they are either have some sort of hidden addiction or a thing they did that they've just buried. They've got some things that happened to them, like in a previous show, talked to a child abuse survivor, went on for a long, long time. Or they had some narrative, some false metric that was supposed to feel a certain way when they got it.

When I get a house this big, when I cross the six-figure mark is when I hear all the time. When I get this new promotion and I become the senior associate vice president, whatever, it's supposed to feel a certain way, like I've got there, like I've arrived, like I made it. And most men are hyper disillusioned when they get there and it doesn't feel like they thought it was going to feel and there's not a psychology for what comes next. So most men get mad and they hit the gas harder. Do any of those three ring a bell?

Uh, the, it's more of what I've come to, I believe is what happened to me when I was little. What happened? So it was me and my mom, mainly third shift worker. So I was at home all the time, did things. Um, I just remember, uh,

that if I ever did anything wrong or did anything like that or enjoyed something, she used that as a punishment. You know, if I knew, if she knew that I enjoyed doing this activity or doing these things, that was a punishment like she's going to take it away or, you know, that was how things were. And when I got old enough to get a job, I remember working and she used to tell me, well, you got to give me your paycheck because or we won't have power.

And you won't be able to do that. So we won't do that. You know, and it's just, and that's, and so I know that I learned to not show that I was happy. Yeah. Where was your dad? Well, they divorced when I was about four and he was, you know, he'd show up every other weekend and that type of stuff. Okay. So can you cut yourself some slack for a second? You, you're trying to be a professional baseball player and you've never seen an actual game played.

You're trying to be a great dad of five kids, and you've never seen a picture of a good father who shows up and is present in his kid's life. You don't even know what that looks like. You have some fantasies about it, and you've watched some movies about it, but you don't even know what that looks like and feels like. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself some grace, okay? And you've never had permission to laugh inside your own freaking house, to have joy in your own house. Of course you toggle from numb to anger and back and forth and back and forth.

Laughing and joy got stuff taken away from you. That's evil, man. I don't like to admit it. I know. Because my guess is joy got stuff taken away and being angry or being sad got you hit. Yeah. So what you learned at a really young age by the person, by the people who were supposed to love you the most and give you a roadmap for what love looks like is I need to disappear in my own skin. And there ain't no hiding with five kids.

No, I want to. I know. I know. I got two, and sometimes I just want to disappear. So here's what I want you to, the grace I want you to give yourself. This is a skills issue, not a character issue. If you stop practicing, I'm going to call that a character issue. But the fact that you're terrible at shooting free throws, you've never tried before. You've never had somebody coach you on how to do it. You haven't even seen somebody shoot a free throw. Of course you're not good at it.

But I'll be damned, I'm going to wake up every day and take 100 free throws before I leave the house. I'm going to take 100 free throws before my kids go to bed. And in four or five years, I'm going to be real good at shooting free throws because I deserve that and they deserve that. Do you get what I'm saying? Yes, sir. Okay. This is kind of a recent revelation in the neurological literature, in the brain science stuff. Your adult relationships and your relationships with your wife, relationships with your kids actually uses the same pathways –

That were developed with your mom and your dad. Your brain repurposes those same relationship pathways. Great. Right? Exactly. As all of the Western world, all of planet Earth goes, oh, great. Here's all that means. You're going to have to build new ones, man. That's your only option. You made five kids and you looked at a woman at an altar and you said, I do till death do us part.

So your only option is I got to build new ones. And the way we build new ones is not sitting around ruminating and not sitting around thinking about it over and over again and not listening to another podcast and their podcast. It's getting out there and doing it even. And especially when I don't want to, I've been doing that. I've listened to podcasts, books. I'm like, you know what? I need to do that. I need to do this. And then I just, and then you don't sit there. That's right. You just sit there. That's right. So what courage and bravery looks like for you right now is doing it anyway.

Can I tell you how simple it is? Please. How old are your kids? 12, 10, 8, 6, and 6. Okay. You got twins on the back end? Yeah. My homie, dude. I'd hug you again right now. All right. Number one, I want you to build, and again, I'm stereotyping Alabamans. You may not know how. I want you to build a cornhole thing.

Oh, yeah. And I want you to have a nightly tournament with your five kids. Okay. I want it to include trash talking. I want you to do it when it's cold. I want you to do it when it's hot. I want you to ask your seven-year-old, hey, is it okay if you're going to go to bed getting dominated by dad at cornhole? And they'll be like, bring it on. Sounds great. Here's what I want. I want them to get some sort of predictability every evening. Dad's going to show up.

And I want you to practice showing up when the only thing on earth you want to do is go hide in the bathroom and sit there for 45 minutes and scroll your phone or just turn on the football game and numb out. I want you to make yourself go do it. Okay? Okay. And I want you to show up. And I want you to show up. And I want you to show up. All right? Here's number two. This one's going to be even harder than that one. Okay? Are you ready? I'm ready. Okay.

I want you to go to Walgreens today or Walmart or something. I want you to buy five of the cheapest spiral notebooks you can buy. And I want you to write their names on it. And I want that to go on their bed. And every night I want you to write something in it. It can be one sentence. I'm not asking you to write a paragraph. One sentence where you saw them doing something great that day. That's it. And if they want to write you back and put it on your bed, you would love to get that. You can tell them that.

So I'd have it there before they went to bed? Yep. Okay. The third thing is I want you to take your wife out for breakfast and say, I want to start two things on a regular basis. Number one, a weekly calendar dinner budget meeting, just us together. How are we doing? The second thing is I want us to begin to ask every morning before I go to work, how can I love you today? Say that one plenty of times. Do what? I said, I've heard you say that plenty of times. I know.

I want you to ask her, and I want her to ask you. And if you want to be a real gangster, I want you to go for a walk together once a week. No complaining, no whining, just walking. I'm going to send you every deck of the question for humans for couples and the intimacy deck. And I want you all to commit to doing a couple of cards. Okay. Here's what you'll have to do. You'll have to rebuild your marriage. Yes. From the floor up. You have five kids. You have seven people in your house now.

Sure did. Okay. And I want you to tell her, I don't have the skills to be the dad that I want to be. I've never seen it happen. But you need to get a couple of men in your life that you can call, that you can text, that you can have coffee with, that you can grab a drink with, that you can laugh with. And if that's her dad, if her dad's an amazing man, I want you to call him and tell him, I'm going to invite you into my life. But your dad didn't show up for you, man. You got to own that. That means you got to go with some help.

I think I got a few. I want you to tell your wife, I've never seen a mom show up and be present with her kids. I'm learning, but I'm going to dedicate myself to learning how to do this right. And so that might mean, hey, wife, when you see me getting enraged, will you just put your hand gently on my arm? And I promise I won't disappear. I'm going to put my cell phone away. I'm going to continue seeing a counselor. Will you do one last thing for me? Yes. I want you to write nine-year-old Barry a letter.

And tell him that you're so sorry that his mama treated him like that and his dad walked out. I want you to tell him that that little boy is loved and that you're going to grow up and you're going to fix it. You're going to be a dad that shows up for all five of his kids. Okay? Yes, I will. I want you to let that little boy go play. That little boy needs to go have fun and not have the stuff get threatened to get taken away from him. He needs to go get a job and learn how to save and give and spend some of his money.

A little kid needs to learn how to laugh and play. He's got his whole life to get beat down by the system, man. As a kid, man, he needs mom and dad to love him and show up and that didn't happen for you. But that little kid's still trying to defend you and protect you. You got to let that kid go play. People ask me how to do that. Sometimes that's holding a picture of yourself as a young kid and writing that kid a letter. Sometimes...

That is taking a picture of your mom, Barry, and put it in your back pocket. And every time you want to snap at your kids, every time you want to yell at your wife, every time you want to just grab your phone and disappear, I want you to pull that picture of your mom out and look at it and say, hey, mom, I'm going to beat down on my kids just like you did on me. We're going to do this together. And then you're going to realize real quick, no, no, no, no, I'm not letting her into our house anymore. She's out. I'm going to learn these new skills. I'm going to go get it. I'm proud of you, brother, Barry. The light came on for you.

We're going to get a routine and we are going to stick with it. We're going to ask our wife. You're going to ask your wife, how can I love you today? And I'm going to let you in. How can you love me? Inch by inch by inch, we're going to walk this thing out. I'm grateful for you, brother. You call me anytime. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go out to the home of Reggie Miller, Indianapolis, Indiana, and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm doing great. How about you? I am awesome. Super excited to talk to you. You too. Very anxious, so I'm just going to start rattling off my question. Don't be anxious. I'm not that good at this. What's up? Well, I have a question. All right, bring it. So how can my husband and I pay off over $40,000 in debt

stay debt-free, and be able to teach our kid good money habits when our habits are in the toilet. What's the question behind the question? Okay, so my husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. We've been together since we were in high school, high school sweethearts. Gross. Gross. I know. It's so great. I'll send you the prom picture. It's great. Oh, gosh. Is there like... I just...

no way. Like Dawson's Creek's playing in the background. So great. Uh, no, it was Celine Dion. Cause it was the Titanic. Oh my gosh. Jack, I'll never let go. I love that. Okay. All right. So, so we're, we're a law enforcement family. My husband's been in law enforcement for over 20 years. Um, I'm also a special needs mom for 14 years. And so one of the proudest moments was when I was,

gave birth to my son. The next day was payday and I paid off our credit card and I was like, this is the best. Amazing. And then our son started down this road of all these medical needs and nobody knew what was going on with him. And we spent the last, the next four years trying to figure out a diagnosis for him. So, um, I'm sorry. Where'd you land diagnostically?

Uh, it's a, it's a really rare, um, diagnosis that like 32 people in the world have. Um, so, but thankfully everything is controlled. We've got therapy, we've got medication, like life is good in that. Um, we've got, you know, we figured out some financial stuff that we can use for, uh, financial assistance. So like, that's been great, but it just feels like whenever we get a chance to get ahead, like,

Like we do really well. And then all of a sudden we're back into our old habits. And so I know of about $45,000 in debt. I secretly feel like there's more. One of the things I told him about at the beginning of the year is like, we need to sit down and like really be honest about our finances, where we're at and how we're going to do better. Because we have a, we have a 12 year old as well who is like, has no concept of money and we are not doing a great job.

set him up for success. So what is, what is the best way to have this conversation with my husband who, um, is prideful in what he does, which, you know, I love him. He's been an amazing supportive husband and has always provided, um, like he's working six days a week. He's working as much as he can, um, to try to help make ends meet. And so we just aren't

Coming up with a great plan that's helping us move forward in the right direction. Yeah, totally, 100%. I come from this house. I'm a product of this house. My dad was a law enforcement guy, an amazing guy who worked his butt off, worked extra jobs. And so there's two things at play here. Number one, the idea of having to budget your money.

Often signals to a man who grew up with a picture of what being a husband and what being a provider looks like as a symbol, like a bat signal that you haven't made it yet. You're failing your family. No, that's true. The fact that we have to budget for money is just a reminder that my neighborhood, I'm a public servant. The public doesn't give a crap about me.

I remember watching, like, I remember, dude, it's visceral watching my dad's face swipe the ATM card hoping there'd be money in there because he had kids with groceries. And I remember as a kid thinking, if that's what the public thinks of public service, I'm out. Screw you guys. Because people try to shoot my daddy and we can't afford groceries. I remember being like 12 and being that cognizant.

So I think number one is understanding that for your husband, the thought that we have to sit down and plan what we're going to buy and not buy might be felt in his chest as, yep, it's true. You're failing your family financially. Okay. And so it's easier than coming at somebody like we need to, you need to. It's just a, it's a compassionate way to go to, you're not feeling our family. Okay. The second thing is, is shifting that needle from, um,

It's redefining what protect and provide mean. What I have found in my house is it is easier for me to go shoot my guns and become a great marksman. It's easier for me to go take some boxing classes and some kickboxing classes and to get back into MMA training stuff. It's easier for me to go work out than it is for me to, on a day-by-day basis, show up and be a steady, joyful, delightful presence in my own home. Okay?

And so what I have to do for myself and convincing a whole generation of men that providing is financial, but you also needed to provide an electric free home, provide a joyful, stable, or as Dr. Becky Kennedy calls it, a sturdy presence inside your house.

And I have come to believe for me, the gym, the shooting range, the what at fill in the blank is a numbing device. It's a distraction from, I don't know how to be, I don't know how to provide stability inside my house. So I'm going to provide, you got my direct deposit. That's what you get. I'm going to go protect into these other, right? You get what I'm saying? Yeah. Your husband from his training,

knows how to protect better than 99.6% of the population. He's got that down. Right. He needs to have you gently yet with, uh, and compassionately yet directly re help him redefine what protect means is I need you to protect my spirit. I need you to protect our finances.

I need you to protect our family in the event that you die, which you will now or you will later. Yeah. And that we have money so that our special needs kid can continue to get the services he needs so that one of our other kids can go to college so that I don't have to immediately, I get a chance to grieve you and I don't have to immediately go to work on Monday. Right. And so it's just redefining protect and provide. And in my house,

My wife has done an extraordinary job of holding my hands in those hard seasons and letting me know any talk of financial failure is in my head. It's not in hers. Okay. The failure on my part is not budgeting in reality, not spending in reality. Right. That's my failure, right? Yeah. And by the way, as I've...

continue to work here where I work and been around different people, the wealthiest people on the planet that I've met, they all budget. It looks differently, but I just thought there was this place you get and you just never think about it again. That place doesn't exist. It's not a thing. Right. You know what I mean? Right. Yeah, absolutely. And I, if they are, their money will be gone in a generation. It'll be, it'll go away.

Long-term. Yes. Just goes away. And I think that's where he's trying to figure out, like we've got some investment properties that I don't know a ton about. He knows more about that than I do. I see it as another place for us where we're spending money. And he's like, but it's coming out of the business. I'm like, but it's supposed to be an investment, but we're in debt. Here's the words. I don't feel safe in my home, not knowing where our money is, where our investments are and how much we owe. Will you help me feel safe?

Yep. This year during our annual retreat, my wife and I go on that annual retreat every year. This year was my favorite one we've ever done. But I did something different this year and I watched her body change. I went and I called a buddy. She's a real estate agent here in Nashville. I called her and asked her to run an appraisal, run comps on my properties.

I, um, I called my, my smart investor pro and said, I need to know, I need to detail the counting of every, I got everything. I even got all the guns, all the guitars, all of my, like, if I die today, here's what this stuff is worth. And it wasn't just like fake what it's worth. This is like, if you had to sell this today, this is what you could probably get for it. Okay. And then I had the life insurance policy and the number, like, here's who you call. And I read it off to start our meeting. Here's where we are financially. Okay.

And I watched my wife's shoulders just drop to the floor. And I remember laughing and I was like, you know all this? And she's like, yeah, but just seeing it. And she didn't verbalize this, but I think the fact that I went and got it beforehand told her he's invested in making sure I'm safe. Yeah. And my wife knows I know how to fight and she knows I'm fast. I know how to run. If I need to run away, it's like that's not the kind of protection.

The protection that applies to most of us is if our house burns down, what then? Yeah. Right? Absolutely. Absolutely. And so I think it's just redefining what's safe and what protect and what provide actually means right now. Yeah. And there may be, listen, there may be another side to this. There may be a wife listening to this right now, and she knows exactly where every account is. Her husband makes a whole bunch of money, and she thinks he's in danger of a heart attack any day because he's never been to the gym.

The protect and provide conversation in that household might be, I'm worried you're a ticking time bomb. If you want to protect me, you want me to feel safe, I want you to go to a doctor. I want you to get an exercise program.

I want you to start lifting weights. I want you to do something. You get what I'm saying? So that means something different in every house. But most of the men I know right now have doubled down on the thing that's easiest for them, and they are puffing up like a balloon and expecting their whole families to just get behind that. And families are going, hey, whoa, you can lift a lot of weight and you can run real far. I don't feel safe. Right, right.

And another kind of like side to this. So I have stayed at home with my boys since I've given birth. And there's a guilt factor in that I spend money because of the house. I buy things for the house, boys' haircuts, groceries, whatever. And there's a guilt factor that I have because

I'm not working outside the home to bring in some income to be able to help the family. Any advice for that? I mean, that's a story you're telling yourself that you have to choose to stop telling because it's not true. Okay. I mean, as your husband told you that?

Um, no, but there is the occasional like, oh, your boyfriend's in the neighborhood, also known as the Amazon man, delivers my packages. Yeah, but I mean, is he being silly? I think he is. Okay. But you know, like sometimes after you start to hear things over and over again, you're like, wait, is this reality? Like, am I really? But, you know, and it's a battle and I think it's also just...

my work history and like, I used to be a provider. I used to be, I used to be the one that was the breadwinner between the two of us before we had kids. And then now it's kind of gone. Yes. And so trying to let that go. So I think you and him need to go have a, have a great, like, let's reimagine our marriage. Now we have a 12 year old and a 14 year old. We've never been married with a 12 year old and a special needs 14 year old. Yeah.

and I'm feeling an itch to go back to work. Or every time I buy something, I feel like I'm a net drain on the household. Do you feel that too? I see you working so, so hard in so many jobs and doing so much stuff, and I miss you. Yeah. Like, I think there's just a moment to settle in. And you can say things like the story I tell myself is when you make a joke about my boyfriend, the Amazon guy being around, that somehow me buying stuff for the house doesn't sit well with you.

Yeah. Right. And he can learn not to make that joke anymore. Or you can learn, it's just a stupid story I'm telling myself. I'm running this household. I'm taking my CEO skills that I was using at another place when I was a breadwinner and I'm running this thing. Yeah. And he can say the story I'm telling myself is you love me a little bit less because I don't make more money.

Yeah. And y'all can give yourself an opportunity to be open and kind of level set. Because the joking, like in my house, that's always a joke. My wife was a gangster. She made more money than me. She was this rock star professor. And like now to this day, like she stays at home. She has her own small business, but she stays at home. Like she runs the place. And...

I'll like, oh man, you're spending my money again. And I didn't realize that that was kind of a jab. She felt that. And it wasn't until she committed to making the jokes that it loosened the grip. When I'd be like, hey, what are you doing today? She goes, I'm going to spend all your money. But you get what I'm saying? But that was her way of running directly into the anxiety. Yep. I love that. I love that. But that only came from us having a conversation where she said, I feel like every time you make a joke, you're kind of pointing it out.

And I was like, oh my gosh, dude, I'm a walking train wreck. Like, no, spend all of it. Like you keep the lights on here, right? I do. Yeah. So, but I mean, that's just us having that story. Yeah. Awesome. Yeah. And can I just tell you one last thing? Yeah, absolutely. I think your marriage is stronger than you think it is right now. I think I've got it. It sounds like I got a husband who's working really hard for his family and I have a wife who loves this guy and y'all are just,

He slowly started speaking Spanish and you've slowly started speaking Greek and you don't just need to make a commitment to start speaking the same language again. Thank you for that. Is that cool? Yep. All right. You're awesome. I appreciate the call. Call anytime.

Yeah, I love the idea of a stay sweep the arm like we used to be married like this and now we're gonna rebuild something amazing and new and cool and Let's block off half of a saturday morning and let's call the babysitter or your kids may be old enough now Let's call somebody or they can take care of themselves for half a day And let's just go reimagine it in the best possible way Because we've chosen how we got here and now we can choose whatever we want to choose moving forward. Awesome. Amy. Awesome. We'll be right back

All right. Hey, I just let Amy from Indianapolis go and I got to talking too much and I distracted the whole conversation and I never even answered your question, Amy.

I'm still here. I don't know how you say this in Latin, but I kind of blew that last call. So we talked a lot about your marriage. You called and said, how do I pay off this debt? And how do I get debt free? And how do I teach my kid? But at the same time, it was great because I take things personally. And when we have these conversations and so your tips on communication was really helpful. Okay. Awesome. Well, I appreciate that. You make me feel not like I need to just get a new job.

All right. So listen, here's the deal. I'm going to hook you up with a couple of tools that will walk you through it. Okay. So you probably know I work for Ramsey solutions and also co-host a whole other show. That's a financial show. How people get out of debt, the Ramsey show. And, um, so I'm going to send you a couple of things. Number one, I'm going to send you all the original or they've been reshot obviously, but the financial peace university, um, videos, I'm gonna send them to you for free. Okay. Okay. And, uh,

The way I've seen couples, especially when one really wants to get control of their finances and get out of debt and stop making other people rich, just that piece of if my husband loses his job, if he quits, if something were to happen to him, God forbid, we're okay because we don't owe anybody anything. The most common connection I've seen people make when one really wants to do that and the other doesn't really care, doesn't care about getting out of debt or whatever, is when one person says, I don't feel safe.

I don't feel safe knowing that if something happened to you, especially if someone who works in law enforcement, that Ford doesn't care. Ford Motor Company wants their money or our mortgage company wants their money, right? So that's number one. I'm going to send you that. The second one is the app that my wife and I use. It's called EveryDollar. I think it's the best budgeting app on the planet. I'm going to send you the premium version for a year. And here's what it does. It connects to your bank.

Y'all can put the things in it. You can put all your debts in it. And, but when one of you buys something, it shows up for the other person too. Okay. It just keeps y'all connected.

Okay. All right. And you put it in there, you budget together once a month. And I didn't know this, but turns out like budgeting and talking about calendars can turn into this wild aphrodisiac. I did not know that, but here we are. Right. But just this idea that we're going to plan the month ahead together. Right. And we're going to be on the same page together. It's pretty amazing. But this thing helps you do it in real time every day, especially when you forget like, oh, I ran through and grabbed some Starbucks or it pops up and you can hold each other accountable that way. But

But it comes down to intentionality. And then you've got a 12-year-old and a 14-year-old. What's the cognitive awareness of your special needs 14-year-old? He just loves toys and loves to buy them and loves to buy gifts for everybody. Okay, okay. Where is he developmentally? He's probably like early elementary school. Okay, okay. All right. So your 12-year-old is...

I think perfect age to begin to see what the family budget looks like. Okay. And to begin to know, here's how much money the electric bill costs. Yeah. And here's how we move that money over to pay it. And this is all the money we have left. And they begin to go, oh man, wow. And so when mom says, hey, turn the lights off, they get it. Okay. Right? But I think bringing them in, and maybe you don't bring them into the entire conversation, but you bring them in and maybe let them hit the button.

And on the electric bill or the water bill, and they get to see how much it costs and they get to participate in that. But 12, I think is, is a good age to start bringing them into that conversation. Okay. Very cool. Is that cool? Yeah. All right. So those two tools will help at the end of the day. If you want to get out of debt, you and your husband have to get on the same page, share accounts, get all that crap out on the open. Here's what we owe. Here's what we're trying to do. Here's our side business and your side hustles and what blah, blah, blah, all that. We can get on the same page and then we just have to be intentional. Yeah.

Okay. And the debt snowball. I'm going to pay off things smallest to largest. I don't care what the interest rate is, blah, blah, blah, blah. We're going to pay off things smallest to largest and just get the stupid stuff done. Okay. Cool. Is that cool? Awesome. All right. Y'all commit to watching those videos together. Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with those free tools. They're all digital tools and they're awesome. And if you guys are listening to this and you think, man, this is the year I want to just not owe anybody anything. I want freedom in my own freaking house. I want peace in my house.

Go to the link in the description below here and we'll send you to all these rad tools. These are tools. I use them at my house. I use them at my house. So there you go. We'll be right back.

All right, good folks. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear.

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That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash D'Loni, and use coupon code D'Loni to save 15%. All right, let's go to Gatlinburg, Tennessee, and talk to Gail. Hey, Gail, what's up? Hey, I'm good, Dr. D'Loni. Thank you for taking my call. Absolutely. How are you?

Good. Excellent. What's up? How can I help? My question is, why am I struggling so much to overcome the sadness after my grandson was born with Down syndrome? Oh, man. Tell me. You tell me.

Okay, so I just, I feel like three-fourths of his life opportunities have just gone down the drain since he was born. What does that mean? To me, just things he cannot do with the diagnosis. He won't be able to drive. He won't be able to go to certain camps. No phone calls, no party invites, just nothing.

I'm just projecting so much negativity, I guess. I'm trying to get past this. There you go. It gets triggered every time I see a newborn or young child that's typical versus his atypical diagnosis. Yeah. I'm just having a hard time with it. I don't know why. Well, I mean, it's, number one, you know that his life's going to be different. Yeah. And in many ways, it's going to be a struggle. Right. And there's health implications, and depending on...

All sorts of factors. There's lifespan challenges. There's all sorts of issues. So you see that and you're compassionate and you care. Yeah. Right? It's easy to overlook the fact that a typical kid's got to have tons of challenges too. They're just different. Right. And that a kid born with Down syndrome may have more. Right? Right. So that's number one. Mm-hmm.

The fact that you're sad just means you're projecting this kid's going to have a tough road, and that breaks your heart, right? Right. The second one is you used the word project, and I love that. You had a picture. Was it your daughter or your son? It was my daughter. Okay. When your daughter called you and said, I'm pregnant. We're going to have a baby.

Right. Instantly, a picture was created in your mind. It was a VHS tape of what was going to happen. And so I think what you're dealing with is less grief that you have a healthy kid, less grief because the stories you know, they're not necessarily true. Kids get invited to birthday parties, may be able to drive, maybe not. May be able to go to camps, maybe not to go to certain camps, but will get to go to other camps.

Right. Will laugh and have joy and have like just write all kinds of things, a whole spectrum of things. But you had a picture in your head of what it's going to look like and that picture is different now. Right. And so I think it's you acknowledging, oh, I instantly created a picture and I got to make peace with the fact that picture is going to be different. And it's okay to be sad about that. Yeah. Yeah.

The challenge is not projecting that sadness onto the kid, especially, and not projecting onto your daughter. Right. And then often the best solution to some of this stuff is information, education. Right. And so that means I'm going to go meet with some parents who've got kids who've got Down syndrome. I'm going to go get a part, become a grandparents of Down syndrome kids. Surely there's a Facebook group for that. There's a Facebook group for everything. Yeah. But I'm going to learn about this, and you're probably going to find a significant amount of relief.

Yeah. Okay. I gotcha. But I want you to head into it right now. You've had, you feel sad and you feel guilty that you feel sad. And so it's causing you to not to stay away. Right. Yeah. Well, you know, it's like a gut kick, you know, especially when I see other, other little kids, other newborns and children. Yeah. But that's a scarcity thing. Can you celebrate them? Can you whisper a quick prayer? Yes. I wish you an amazing life.

I just wish he has an amazing life. No, no, no. Every time you see a typical kid. Yeah. Every time you see a mother holding a brand new baby that quote unquote looks perfect to you and you don't know that story of that baby. You don't know what congenital heart defects that baby has. You don't know what ticking time bomb, whatever that kid has. But I want you to practice the gratitude. I want you to wish them well. Okay. Because here's the thing. You wishing evil on them, are you being sad about them or are you cheering them on?

Quite honestly, it doesn't affect them at all. It does affect you. Right. And your body will respond to each one of those stories you choose to dwell on. And if you choose to dwell on, screw that young mom right there. It's not fair. I can't believe it. Your body dumps adrenaline and cortisol into your body, into your bloodstream. You just stew in it and baste in it.

Gotcha. Or if you see that mom and you run up and go, oh my gosh, my daughter just had a baby too. Let me see this thing. And you look at that mom and say, I wish both of you the absolute grandest adventures of all time. Okay. Then your body, you get to, your body lifts up, right? Your spirits lift. And even if you walk away and you're a little bit sad, that's okay. Right. Okay. Right. It's kind of like when somebody cuts you off in traffic.

You can flip them off and bang the steering wheel and be like, you're probably a Democrat or you're probably a Republican, right? You can do that. And you have the stroke. Not them. They don't even know. They're listening to their stupid music. They're not listening. They're not paying attention to you. Or you can just exhale, drop your shoulders, and whisper a quick prayer. Dear God, hope to get to the hospital before his wife passes. And one of those drops your heart rate, makes you a little bit more compound. You get to pick.

But I don't want you to beat yourself up for your feelings. Your feelings are your feelings are your feelings. Right. Okay. But also, I don't know, man. I've just met some pretty extraordinary families where somebody's got Down syndrome. I met some amazing people with Down syndrome. I've met some amazing families. And again, there's a spectrum of sociability and ability to get a job versus they need more caretaking. It's just a wide spectrum. So who knows?

how it plays out and how it ends up. But man, there is so much laughter and joy and no way in fun and exploration and curiosity to be had. And I just suggest you double down on that is with all your heart. Right.

And, you know, that's what I'll do moving forward for sure. But I was just trying to remember when my kids were little, I didn't even remember them having any friends that had Down syndrome or anyone in their class having Down syndrome. Well, and back in the day, they sequestered everybody. Gotcha. They moved them in a special class away from traditional and they've integrated classes a lot more.

Yeah. And so if you went to a public school right now, you'd probably see more students walking around with various, you know, like non-typical challenges. Gotcha. I think our learning exceptionalities, I don't know the positive spin they've tried to put on it these days, but you're just gonna see a lot of different, a lot of kids with special needs more integrated into traditional classrooms. Right. And this is going to sound bananas, but you weren't looking for it then. So that doesn't mean it wasn't there.

That's true. Right. There's that psychology about when you buy a red car, you see red cars everywhere. Right. Because you're finally looking for it. Right. And so whatever you're – what was that? Brene Brown says whatever you go looking for, you're sure to find. You didn't go looking for it, so you could have seen it and not even registered it. True. And so you'll see it a lot more now. Yeah. And you'll smile a lot more, and you'll see the laughter a lot more, and you'll learn some skills.

Right. But your feelings are your feelings and they're okay. Don't beat yourself up for them. All righty. I gotcha. And then go do the next right thing. Right. And by the way, buckle up because you're about to be loved in a way you have never been loved before. All right. Okay. All righty. Hey, you're awesome. Thank you so much for the call. We'll be right back.

All right, good folks. Lent is just a few weeks away. And if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world would get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. Lent is about getting rid of all of those things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of ultimately living a full, joyful life.

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H-A-L-L-O-W dot com slash Deloney for three months of Halo absolutely free. All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe to the show. Take 30 seconds and leave a five-star review and send these episodes to your friends, your loved ones, or people you don't like. You can bomb them. I'm super grateful for the support. All right, Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it. All right, this is from Cheryl in Cleveland, Tennessee.

She says, how do I tell my sister, who I love and respect, that I don't want her to evangelize to my neighbors and strangers when we are out together? We are of different faiths, and it is difficult for me to feel comfortable after she does this. I have tried, but I think she believes that she is doing God's work and that trumps my opinion. So she continues. I don't even know, man. Sounds like she has told her. And she's been like, I don't care. God's more important than you.

Yeah, it does sound like. I mean, she's already told her, so. Yeah, I mean. I think at this point, the ball's. I don't think she's the problem. I don't think there's a problem here. But now she gets to choose. You don't get to be around my friends anymore. Yeah. Or maybe she needs to fix her attitude before she gets struck by the lightnings. That's what I think. Who is this who wrote in? Cheryl. I think Cheryl. Cheryl, you need to fix your attitude, sister. I'm just playing. I'm just playing.

I'm just trying to have some F you in period. All right. So listen, I don't know. That sounds like she's already told her. And so I think sometimes it's strange when somebody just, you put a boundary down like, Hey, please don't say that in front of my kids. And they just blow right through it. And the, like to the point that you think you're crazy, like, did you not hear that? Or, Hey, this is a dress up event and they just show up in sweats and a t-shirt. You're like, I know I told you, right? Then you just have a choice to make. You're going to blow it up and say, you need to leave. Or are you going to say whatever? That's just my sister.

Right. I think most people in Cleveland, Tennessee understand there's just some people that want to talk about the L.O.R.D. all day long, all day or day. And it just is what it is. And I think she might be feeling more sensitivity in her own chest than other people are feeling.

I like to hear when people are really passionate about their faith. I like to hear about it. Like, it makes me feel good. Like, that they feel safe enough and compelled enough and passionate enough to just let it rip. I like that. I like that, so. Yeah, it makes me wonder almost, and this is purely conjecture. Uh-huh.

Does Cheryl – I mean she said they were of different faiths. I wonder if Cheryl is the one that doesn't like the message, not the friends. Doesn't like the message, yeah. And it may be – I don't know if Cheryl is of like – I don't want to say no faith, but she's a nonbeliever or just a completely different faith. Or she's like Ben. She worships rocks or something. I don't know what she worships. But I think, yeah, it's the issue that Cheryl has more of an issue with it. Yes. I think you're right. I think Cheryl –

She's the one with the challenges of what's being said, not the neighbors. Most people are pretty respectful. Or they'll just respectfully say, I don't believe anything you just said. And we move on with our lives, but I don't know. I think that's a good call out. If this is a proxy, if the neighbors are like, the neighbors don't care. It's you. So you need to sit down with your sister and say, I don't believe any of this. I don't want to hear about it. Or you can just let your sister know.

Talk about the things she feels compelled to talk about. Ta-da! I don't know. You're always talking about, like, old person stuff all the time, and we kind of let you run. Like, your joints and, I don't know, hot flashes. I don't know whatever stuff you're talking about. None of those. You've not one time ever mentioned any of that stuff, so out of fairness. But I would like to call this out. I have noticed you are invoking, you're wearing more colorful things this year.

Yes, that's by choice. By choice. Yeah. I feel like you are invoking joy. In my own way. In your own subversive way. Without having to be joyful myself. Yes. You are continuing to be not joyful at all, but you're wearing clothes that project joy. Trying to inject some color into a very drab winter. January and stuff is just...

Yeah, I agree. You know? Yes. And then everyone on our show just wears black and sad colors. Well, like yesterday, I had on all black, black shirt, black pants, everything. But I had on hot pink shoes because I was like, dang it, we'll wear some color somewhere. Yeah, that ended up in a meeting too. Yeah. We talked about that. Hey, I wanted to point out real quick, and you and I talked about this off air, but if our previous caller is listening, just Google the poem, Welcome to Holland. The what?

Why is it poem? Poem. What is it I say weird there? A poem? Poem? A poem? It's two syllables. Poem. A story. Poem. It's a short story called... Poem sounds like a... Poem. Poem. A poem. Is that better? When I think of a poem, I think of like a wooden pogo stick.

Anyway, a short story written by a woman, a special needs parent. It's called Welcome to Holland. And it's just a great story about – this is from a mother's perspective of giving birth and thinking that I'm going to have a quote-unquote typical child, and then you have a special needs child. But it's a great way to think about it of –

This isn't better or worse. It's just different, and now I have to think differently. But to any – I was thinking about that with her. It's a great story to read. The whole idea is you've planned for a trip to Italy. You've got – you've done all the research. You've got all the books. You've done everything you could do. You get on the plane because you're going to Italy. You've planned for it for months. You get off, and they say, welcome to Holland. You're like, wait, what? Yes. So now all of a sudden Holland is beautiful. But you're not in Italy. But I'm not in Italy. Right.

But I'm here. It's pretty cool. But I have to learn now. I didn't plan for any of this, and I have to learn about it. Love that. And then the idea is, but the tulips, the whole thing about it is, but the tulips are pretty in Holland. That's right. Yeah. So it's a great story, short story, whatever we're calling it. It's called a poo-eem. Let's just end the show. All right, America. Make sure you read some more poo-eems and be kind to one another. Love y'all. Bye. Bye.