I’m Shocked by My Husband’s Confession
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How do I move forward after discovering my husband's porn addiction and debt that he was hiding from me related to that? He stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars. How much did he spend on OnlyFans? Five grand. God almighty. What's going on? What's going on? This is John of the Dr. John Deloney Show. And I'm so glad that you are with us, man. For real.

People all over the globe deciding, man, I'm tired of hurting all the time. I'm tired of going home to an electric house and I'm tired of just not feeling whole. And that's what this show is about, man. Hurting people going through real challenges with their relationships, their mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit with you and see if I can...

Look off into the distance and see a light that you can head towards, man. If you want to be on this show, go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K-D-E-L-O-N-Y dot com slash ask. And fill out the form, and we'll holla back girl at you, even though we ain't no holla back girl. Let's go out to Corpus Christi, Texas, and talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley? Hi, Dr. John. What's up, lady? How are we doing?

Oh, got a lot going on. Well, let it rip, man. What's going on? Okay. So first off, I just want to say like, I'm really nervous, but I love your show. And I've actually just finished your book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. I just want to say thank you. Like that really put some things into perspective for me. I really appreciate that. I really appreciate that. Hey, living where you live, you don't happen to be an Astros fan, do you?

No, I'm not really a sports kind of gal, to be honest. They're looking to be terrible this year. So I just wanted to commiserate with somebody, but good. You don't even care. That makes you even more well-regulated than I am. That's good. So what's up? Okay. So I'm going to try to say this as clearly and concisely as possible because I know there's a lot to get into. So my question is, is how do I move forward after discovering my husband's porn addiction and debt that he was hiding?

from me related to that. So, um, at the end of January this year, it's about five weeks ago, my husband, uh, confessed to me out of the blue. I had no idea that anything was going on. I had no suspicions. I had no concerns. Um, we, I will say like we are, we are people of faith. Um, and in the last year we've been getting more involved in our church, you know, like, um,

you know, volunteering and just kind of going on a more, a deeper level with that than just, you know, just kind of the shallow base of like just going to Sunday and then doing whatever we want to the rest of the week. And so like, I thought we had come to a really good place. And then he confessed this, that he felt like, you know, he wasn't going to be able to rid himself of this until,

He came to me with it. And he confessed that he had been struggling with porn his whole life and that he actually has about $5,000 of credit card debt that he racked up on OnlyFans.

And so we got into all of that. And, you know, I know you're always saying, you know, behavior is a language. And 24 hours, like the very next day, immediately his entire behavior had changed. And I didn't realize how we had gotten so far from where we began as far as like how we interact with each other, what our daily life looks like. And then I didn't realize until he changed it that...

he had been pulling away for a long time, that he wasn't as affectionate as he used to be. And, you know, I thought that was partly just, you know, being, you know, we've been together for five years. We're a blended family. We have one baby together. We have children from other marriages, but our baby is about a year and a half old. And so I just kind of thought it was, you know, just what happens after postpartum, you know, just kind of you grow apart, you know,

you don't talk as much, you're stressed out, whatever. But so anyway, he has changed his behavior like 180 degrees. Like he's more immediately the next day, he's more affectionate with me. He's talking to me. He's more open with me. He's like trying to reassure me. He's more involved with the kids rather than just like putting his earbuds in and doing chores or whatever he's doing. He's like

more involved with them as well. He's, you know, not getting irritated with like the baby throwing fits like he was before and just really, really night and day. And then two weeks after his initial confession, which mind you,

I had asked him, do you have any, like, did you have an affair? No. Is there anything else I need to know? No. Two weeks afterwards, I've just kind of like had this like nagging feeling and I kept getting, you know, like the lightning bolt things in my mind and I continue to get those. And I've had two other serious adult relationships before him. And, you know, both of those cheated on me. Both of those had porn addictions as well. And so I just kind of,

have been through this before, I guess you'd say. And so I decided to go through his phone history. And there was a couple numbers that he would text every once in a while, like a few times a month. And I could see, I don't know, I couldn't read the text, but I know that they were exchanging pictures. And so I confronted him about that. And he admitted that those were

People that he does know, girls that he does know, that he would basically solicit for pictures and...

They would talk, whatever. He says he never met up with him. He says he never engaged in anything physical, that it was just to him, it was just another mode of getting more content or something. I don't really know. So I think that part hurt more because I tried to explain to him, do you understand how dangerous that is? It's one thing having a porn addiction to me. It is bad and I know that.

But like, I know he's not going to be with those people, but for him to text people that are actually local to us, that's a problem because it could go, it could venture into the, Hey, let's meet up. Hey, you know, like, let's do this, you know, whatever. And, um, I will say that the texts and stuff that I did find, everything was from before the first confession. Like there hasn't been anything since. Does that make you feel better? Yeah.

It does make me feel better that I feel like he's doing everything he can to show me that he's different. Like he says that he feels like he has killed this sin from himself, like that he has, you know, he laid it down to die. So just so you know, that's nonsense. That's not how that works. You don't take a lifetime of challenge and dump it on your wife. Only tell part of the truth.

and leave out the worst parts and then be like cool cool cool i'm all good that's not how that's not how that's not how addiction works that's not how betrayal works that's not how um a liar operates yeah i think you are wrestling with the fact that good god almighty this happened again yeah and the first thing the first thing you told me was you had no idea

And one of the most common things I hear from folks when they are just stumbling back from any number of levels of betrayal, right, is you thought your radar was better than this. Yes. You don't trust you anymore. Right. And so now you're taking shards, like little scraps of paper. Yeah.

And trying to like, like duct tape it all together, trying to scotch tape it back together. Cause that's your original marriage contract. Like, no, no, no, we're good now. We're good. It's been three weeks. We're good. Cause I don't think you can, I don't know if you've got, got it in your chest to go through this a third time. I mean, I'm for sure sick of it. I thought that was one of the things I was just like, again, cause like he knew my history and he knew, um,

He knew everything. We've been more open with each other than... No, you haven't. I mean... No, you haven't. Well... You were open. Yeah. And he was hiding that all along. And so we have been talking on a deeper level. You have a talk all day. He stole from your family account. Yeah. How much? How much did he spend on OnlyFans?

Five grand. God almighty. Well, it's been more than that over the years. That's what is in collections now because he could no longer keep up with the minimum payments. Gosh, dude. Without me, you know, asking like, why are you paying so much on this card? Yeah, sweet Ashley. I don't think you're, I don't think you're fully metabolizing this. I mean, probably not. Um,

Because you've also been through the aftermath before. You've been through divorce before. You've been through the ash, and I know you don't want to go back there. I'm not suggesting you have to go back there, but you have to treat this as serious as that. Yeah. There is 0% chance that he, quote, unquote, just laid it down. Nonsense. Nonsense, nonsense, nonsense. If he got rid of his cell phone and he turned Wi-Fi off in the house, maybe. Yeah.

But how in the world, how can you go from, he stole money, thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars from the family pot. Money for your new baby, money for y'all's kids, money for rent, money for clothes, money for food. He blew your credit up because he just let it go to collections because his pride was greater than his caring about you guys.

He starts soliciting nude pictures from friends, from people he knows. How in the world do you, like what makes you think like, okay, yeah, but he's telling the truth about not meeting up with anybody. Well, that's something I've asked over and over and over again. Yeah, but he's not going to tell you that. Yeah. Because he didn't tell you when he was stealing money from the house and he didn't tell you when he was, let everything go to collections. He didn't tell you when he was hitting up friends for topless photos. He didn't,

Let you know about that stuff. So why would he tell you the truth now? Yeah. And of course, listen, of course he feels good. He just lanced a huge boil. Like secrets will kill you. And shame will crush a man. No question about that. Yeah. But like he took it and he gave it to you. Yeah. He had these two cinder blocks he's been carrying around. And then he hands them to you. He handed you one of them. And you were like, I think there's another one. And you were right.

And maybe there's another one, maybe there's not, but you know, who knows? So what do I do moving forward? Cause like, I mean, it happens. I'm, I don't, I'm not just going to throw away the marriage, you know, like he is, I don't know, to me, he, he seems genuinely repentant for, for what he's done. So I think, I think you have to reframe how you're, how you're thinking about it.

He threw away your marriage, period. Do you want to build a new one with him? And if so, what must be true in the new foundation of this house you're going to rebuild? Please hear me say, what y'all had is over. Financially, sexually, emotionally, trustworthy, that is over. Do y'all want to build something new? And if you want to build something new with him, dude, I'm all in.

I'm not, no one's, no one's going to beat you up on that, but you're going to want things to quote unquote, get back to the way they were. And they won't be because he did what the other two guys have done. He's one of them now. And until you fully exhale on that and then say, okay, here's what must be true for me to rebuild. And you get to decide, you get to say out loud, here's what must be true about this new foundation that we're going to build. And husband, you're going to do a lot of the heavy lifting here.

And if he goes, are you serious? I already told you. Then he's not ready. Yeah. If he says anything, anytime, anywhere, here's my phone. Here's all the contacts deleted out. Here's an app that any text I send you get. I don't have a laptop anymore. I've gone to a flip phone. I'm going to SA meetings. Now we can build something new because you're not going to be able to put two feet before like –

concretely on the ground. Ashley, you're always going to have one foot in and one foot out. And you have to because you've been down this road before and your body has a GPS pin in the middle of your chest. You know what kind of hell you've been through with breaking up serious relationships. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah, I do. I just... You don't have to do any of this. You can just go on and just be like, yep, he's cured. Well, I don't want to be so naive as to say he's just cured.

Okay, then what must be true? You tell me. What would make you feel like I can actually trust him again without doing what you've always done, which is bury your own emotions and bury your own fears? Yeah. He drops this huge, this big thing on you and you immediately went, okay, okay. I don't fully believe him, but I'm going to be quiet for one week, two weeks, three weeks. Finally, I'm going to go through his phone. God almighty, I was right.

And then you immediately go back to, okay, all right, now we're back. Now we're good. Here's your path forward. Your path forward is you actually maybe for the first time in your life asking yourself, what do I want in my house? What will make me feel safe and trusted or what will bring trust into my home again with this guy? And him singing Kumbaya over a weekend and dumping all this stuff on you is not the path.

Maybe that's a start. Maybe that's a step in the right direction. Yeah. But I think you have to fully exhale. And you're so used to being starved for love that he starts being nice the day after because he feels 25 pounds lighter. And you're so happy, right? Yeah.

And so here's what this looks like. We're going to pull a credit report. I want to know exactly how much money you owe and to who and to where you've spent it. I want credit card reports of all the credit cards you have. Once I see what credit cards are open on this credit report, because I don't trust you, we're going to go through each one of those. And I want to go through what you've spent the last five, six years. You're going to get a side job and you're going to pay this $5,000 off and you got five months to do it. You got six months to do it.

no video games no sporting events i'm gonna be a single mom for a bit but you're gonna go earn money and get this thing paid off you're not just gonna go to collections we're not just gonna say that it's the way that is you're gonna go get a flip phone because i don't trust you just to not send photos anymore not for a while we're gonna cut the wi-fi off at eight o'clock or what like you get to decide what happens but this is you being serious about we're gonna go see a marriage counselor because i gotta rebuild trust because you blew up our marriage

You're going to go to essay meetings. You say you have a lifelong sex addiction. You're going to start going to essay meetings. You're going to go to them a lot because I'm not going to walk out on you. I'm going to stay here with you. But there's a lot of work to do to build the foundation of a house that I deserve to live in. And you actually deserve to live in a house where there's trust and where there's peace and where there's laughter and where there's joy. There's not your husband over there on the couch having some of his friends send him topless photos.

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I'm going to be in Louisville with my friend Dave Ramsey. And let's see here. Durham on April 23rd. Atlanta on April 25th. Phoenix on May 5th. Dude, I just got back from Phoenix and it was wheels off, man. Thousands and thousands of people showed up for another event I did. And I can't wait to go back on May 5th. Fort Worth, Texas on May 7th. And Kansas City on May 9th. Come join me and my buddy Dave Ramsey for the Money and Relationships Tour. It's going to be wheels off.

Yeah, I can't wait. I cannot wait. All right, let's go out to Waco, Texas. I almost made a David Koresh joke, but I'm not going to. And talk to James. What's up, James? I appreciate you not making the joke. It's hard, man. It's hard. It's David Koresh and then Chip and Joanna. So they're slowly redeeming Waco. Good for them. What's up, dude?

I'm so used to hearing your voice on the show. I'm going to have to remind myself to actually respond to you when you say something. Oh, you're all good. You're good, man. Hey, one time I had one of my heroes on this show and it was a virtual and I realized halfway through, I was like, dude, this guy's like falling asleep. He hates me.

And then I realized I always listen to his podcast like at 1.5 or 1.75, and I realized, oh, this is his regular voice. I had never heard it before. It's pretty embarrassing. So it's all good, man. Now we're getting to talk for real. So what's up? Well, I'll go ahead and start off by saying that I love my wife. She's usually a very kind, loving person. And to use your phrasing, and she is also a very critical person by nature. Mm-hmm.

And the way she critiques me sometimes makes me feel like they're personal attacks, which oftentimes makes me start questioning my own value and worth. Yep.

So specifically, uh, about a month ago, uh, she went off on me for, uh, for not immediately doing the dishes after putting our kids down for the night. As I started doing them, she reminded me that, uh, she shouldn't have to keep reminding me to do them. Uh, and later that night, uh, she got upset with me for throwing some dirty clothes into the washer, uh,

when it, uh, when it already had clean clothes in it. I didn't realize that. Uh,

I asked her for some understanding that I was just trying to do the right thing, but she told me I was only half-assing chores. I apologized for not seeming to be able to do the chores right, but she got even more upset with me, saying she's tired of me not valuing myself. So my question is, how do I work to value myself more despite her constant critiquing? I mean, you don't...

You don't have a partner, man. You've got a mother. Trying not to. No, like you don't have a romantic ride or die partner. You have an overbearing mother. Like you play a role in her life. It's a super common thing, man, where wives just beat their husbands down, down, down, down, and then they blame you for getting down. How long has this been going on, man?

About as long as we've been married, about eight years. Golly, dude. Are you exhausted? Yeah. Now, I want to be fair to both sides. I don't want to just badmouth your wife. Are you pretty absent-minded? Has she asked for help for eight years and you just fumble around and don't help? I mean, is this a constant thing here?

It's definitely a two-way road. Yes, I can be absent-minded. When I get home at the end of the day, I've got a pretty demanding job. And so oftentimes I'll get home and my mind is just somewhere else. And, yeah, sometimes she does have to kind of bring me back. Or as you've mentioned on the show before, sometimes I just don't see the things that she sees. Why doesn't she like you?

Because she doesn't want to be your friend. See, I don't think that's the case. Most of the time, we have a really good relationship where we are friends. It's kind of these cycles that just spin up every once in a while. And they definitely come up more when we're in a stressful time in life. Yeah, but why have you become her punching bag?

instead of coming to you for restoration and y'all coming to each other for mutual, it's you and it's you and me versus the world. When things get stressful, she needs somebody to hit and she's chosen you. That's what I say. Like, man, like, like y'all can be friends all day long as long as you're singing and dancing and performing the right way. Right. Right. I mean, it's, it's easy to be friends when things are good.

It's when my friend Todd walked up behind me when I was about to, when I was in the middle of about to get my head knocked off. That's when things got dicey. And that's when one of my closest friends showed up or outside of a, of a bar. One time, my buddy, John King got in front of me when things were about to get dicey with things, not about to things were super dicey. He got in front of me and he went first.

Like, you see what I'm saying? Like when things get dicey, friends lock arms. They don't look at each other. So what do you think I should do? How have you tried to address this in the past with her? I've brought it up and I try to take your advice and do it when it's not, you know, when we're not in the middle of it. Mm-hmm.

And, uh, she'll, you know, she, she usually admits to it and says, you know, I'll try to be more understanding and, and usually is for a period of time. And then, uh, after, you know, a few months or so, it'll spin back up again. Okay. The, uh, those meetings are good and I needed, I need to do a better job of, of the, the meetings are important, right? They have to happen.

And good on you for doing it not in the middle of a moment, trying to justify yourself when you have a wife who's enraged and decided you're going to be the punching bag for the day. You don't do enough. And then when you're doing it, you're not doing it right. And then you try to help a little bit extra and you did that one wrong. And there's just no grace or compassion. So going back to the meeting, good for you for having it. There can't just be a, well, I'll try next time. There has to be some concrete steps.

Right. And you hear the word boundaries thrown around a lot. But if you start talking to me like this, you're asking me to disengage. Okay. If you start yelling, if you start screaming, if you want me to read your mind and I don't do a good job of reading your mind, it's only right and fair for you to say, hey, I'm going to put the kids down. You don't normally do this, but could you grab X, Y, and Z?

That's a fair request. If she's requested that a thousand times in 1001, you just blew her off again. I'm not saying her response is fair at all, but that's not cool on your part. Right.

And so I'm trusting you that like, no, no, no, I, I like, I'm trying to be plugged into this house, but I also know that for millions of men, their home is a failure factor. They can't do anything right because their wives use them as a prop in this Instagram me kind of world. They're trying to keep together. No, I mean, I, and I, when she asked me to do something, I, I, I always do it. I know. But what about before that? Do you ever just do stuff because you're a member of the house?

I try to. You get critiqued. You put the stuff in the wrong place. You don't wash the clothes right. Why didn't you use this fabric softener? Is that how it goes? Yeah. Okay. Because here's what's going to happen, dude. You're real close to resentment, aren't you? Yeah. Or you would be nuts if it doesn't get easier and easier to stay another hour at work and stay another hour at work and stay another hour at work. Yeah, you're right.

And then the next step is if it hasn't happened already, it gets easier for that one woman at work who thinks you're hilarious for you to start thinking up a little bit funnier jokes to say. Then you'll hang out a little bit longer when the office goes to get lunch. It's just how these things happen. And if you want to preserve your marriage, at some point you have to say, you cannot talk to me like this. And this isn't sexy, but I can't read your mind. And so if you have things that you want me to do in a certain way to the point that you get enraged with me,

Please, let's be super clear. Let's write them down if that's what we have to do. And on the other side of it, good grief. If you put the little spoons where the big spoons are, you've had a 16-hour day and you're exhausted and you're trying to help, and she can have some compassion and exhale because it's not going to end her world either. But my guess is it doesn't matter what you do or how you do it or what you don't do. If she's coming home looking to punch, you're just going to get it. There's not a way for you to win is what it feels like.

When is the wrong word? There's not a way for you to connect in those nights when she wants, when she is seeking disconnection. Is that fair? That's fair. What makes you nervous about standing up? You're getting a lot of silence from me because I'm just kind of thinking through. No, I know you are. I know, I know, I know. It's hard. And it's hard to hear another guy talk about your wife like this. I got that. I get it. What are you afraid of? I think just that it won't make a difference. It won't end.

And just kind of where my mind goes is, is this just the life I've chosen forever? No, it's a life that y'all are co-creating together. How'd I know you were going to say that? Well, here's what's awesome. What's amazing is y'all have chosen a miserable dance where you come in kind of aloof and absent-minded, doesn't matter what you do, it's never going to be enough. And then she has chosen, she doesn't like the life she has. And I don't know why.

But she doesn't like the life that she has. And when that bubbles up and bubbles up and bubbles up, it comes out on you.

And so for some reason, there's an inner anger in her. And it could be she wishes she was back at work. She doesn't like being a mom as much as she thought she did. She doesn't like you as much as she wants to like you. She doesn't, who knows what the thing is. You don't make enough money for her. Y'all don't have enough, like the neighbor's got a suburban and y'all just have a, like, I don't know what the thing is, the things are in her life. But that's where we got to get to. Because she has to exhale and be happy that she's in her own home.

Does that make sense? Does that ring true? To a degree, yeah. What makes her happy? What brings her joy? I think just curling up in the corner with a book. That's her favorite thing to do. And I know that with the kids, she doesn't usually get to do that. What's her favorite thing to do with you?

Probably just traveling or going to someplace new and exploring. Okay, the two things you've given me are both methods. They're both awesome, okay? I love reading a book. My wife loves curling up, reading a book. I like being on the road. My wife likes traveling. But both of her two favorite things are escaping the life she has. I never thought of it that way. Because curling up and reading a book, one of my favorite things in the world.

And I can also use it as a drug. And my wife, dude, she loves curling up and reading a book. My wife loves traveling and going to new places. But right now, right this minute, as we're talking, she's building out the garden for this year. And my son's with her and my daughter's roaming around digging holes or whatever. And this morning we had breakfast together. That's where our home has peace. And so I think the bigger question for you is to your wife, you're not happy. You don't like this life that we've created.

I want to create something with you together where escaping in the corner, away from the kids, away from me, escaping out somewhere else. I want home to be a place where you can exhale. And maybe she grew up in a world where home was never safe. And so the things that kept her safe as a kid, you've heard me say that, she has to practice being at peace. Who knows? No, that's definitely true. Okay.

But I think it's, y'all, you're going to be forced into this conversation, and I'm afraid you're going to become somebody that you're not. You're going to find yourself in places that are out of character for you. Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of too. Okay. So if you've got this idea that you are always, every time I exhale, I've just fast forward 10 years, and everything is the exact same. You don't like me anymore.

I can't do anything right in this house. I can't do, I can't not do stuff right. I can't do stuff right. I want to be somebody that you exhale when they come in the door and I'm, I'm at a loss. But deeper than that, your wife doesn't like the life she has. Do you like your life?

We're certainly in a season right now with young kids and particularly demanding jobs. So if I'm being honest, at this moment, no. But it's not, I don't think it's a permanent state. Okay. So I think it's a matter of saying, okay, we're in winter. We can just choose to hate each other during winter. But I don't want to choose that. When things are cold, when things are hot, when things are scary, when things are tense.

That's why I want us to come together. And that can't be like, okay, I'll try harder. There's gotta be some, you cannot talk to me like this. I'm tired of coming in my house and feeling like a failure factory. And she might say, well, I'm tired of you walking in the house and not participating in the rhythm of this home. Okay, I don't see it. I'm gonna ask you to love me enough to write it down for me. And that's not unsexy. And that doesn't mean I don't love you. That means I'm gonna practice seeing things because I just miss them and I'm sorry.

And I'm going to ask you to practice, stop treating me like I'm a child. Treat me like a partner here. And we've both chosen this awful dance. We can choose something else. And I think for you guys, especially instructive, that's the question that saved my marriage, man. And by the way, I'm speaking because I've been where you are. I have been there, dude. And you find yourself like, oh my gosh, I'm about to cross some, like step into new territory, man. I don't want to go there.

How do you want this house to feel when you walk home every day, when you walk in the front door? How do we want this house to feel? Because I bet she doesn't want to be screaming and yelling either. I bet that doesn't feel good. So it's time to go back and have another meeting, man, another breakfast. But this is going to be a, we're clearing the deck on a new marriage. We get to build what's next. No more mind reading.

No more, I just didn't see it. We're done with all that. We're going to start being really honest and really direct. I want you to tell her, I'm just afraid I'm going to wake up 10 years and you're still going to be yelling. You're still not going to like me and you're still not going to like the life you're in. And I want to love you. How do I do that? Let's start there. My guess is y'all are going to need to go see a marriage counselor to reimagine how y'all engage with each other because y'all are setting each other off and it's just a tough dynamic. But maybe you can have this conversation and begin to practice together.

It's going to take a ton of emotional maturity. That's going to be hard, but I believe in you. Thanks for the call, my brother. We'll be right back.

All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.

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All right, we're back. All right, off air, we were just talking about that last call. Keeler said something important. He said, just because somebody has a higher standard of clean doesn't mean they're right. And I love that. Kelly, you were saying something that I thought was pretty insightful. So I admittedly am a bit OCD and I'm a clean freak. I like things exactly where they go all the time.

But that's my hangup. That's on me. So my husband, who does not have that hangup in any way, he is closer to you. He likes piles of things. He will make the bed in the morning. And to me, I'm like, all the lines aren't straight, but that's on me. So I'll wait until he leaves in the morning and I may go straighten it up. And I know when he walks in later that afternoon, he rolls his eyes, but I don't expect him to be that way. And on the other side of it,

I literally like things in piles. I don't know why. I like them in piles. And I also know that makes my wife increasingly more and more and more on edge. Yes, Sheila and I are very much the same. So the way I can love her is to, when I see the pile starting to get out of control, to stop and clean all the piles off. Yeah, like we have a place because I know that we are so different. This is where things can land. And as long as they land there,

I don't say anything about it. I'm great. It's because you have to make those arrangements. But if I'm the one that has the problem with it, then, you know, you mentioned putting the spoons in the wrong place. My daughter, when she puts the spoons up, always gets them backwards. First of all, who cares? But if I want to fix it, that's on me. Because she's done what I've asked her to do to her capabilities. Sure. And...

To my husband, the bed's made. Great. And I'm thrilled that he made it. And he wouldn't have, in any other world, he's not making that bed. No. He's leaving the house being like, I just loved Kelly to the moon and back. Exactly. And I'm fine with that. So I don't say anything. I'm like, great, you made the bed. Thank you. We always have whoever gets out of it last makes it. It's always him. So, well, I get up at five. He doesn't. So he doesn't get up at five. But yeah, that's on me, not him. But I will say that took me,

That wasn't my natural bend. It was quite a few years of marriage before I came to that. Yeah. It was like, well, I want it done this way. And then I realized I grew up in a house where that was expected. He didn't.

And so we had to come to a mutual agreement and that was worth the peace and the harmony. And I think that's it. Like what, what's going to get us to connection. What's going to get us to peace, not what's going to get us to one of us being right. And when you try to go there, never works. All right, let's go out to Quebec, Canada and talk to Stephanie. Hey, Stephanie, what's up? Hi, how are you? I'm good. And you?

I'm good. I'm freezing cold up here, but that's okay. It's a balmy 60 degrees out here today, so... Oh, lucky. I'll be outside this afternoon in shorts, and I'll think about you. What's up? Oh, well, thanks. Okay, so here's my predicament. I am in a relationship with a guy that is... He's great, and I love him to death, but he has a very different...

uh, love language than me. He's really, really physically affectionate. Um, and that's not to say I don't like physical affection and that's a huge problem. It's just that it's, it's a lot. Like it's, it's, he's really, really physically affectionate. And I, what does that mean? Picture.

So I will just be sitting there trying to work because sometimes I work from home. We both sometimes work from home and I'll be sitting there trying to work and he's constantly kind of like grabbing me, hugging me from behind. He keeps kissing me on my cheek and I'm not trying to sound ungrateful. Like I feel like I'm sounding ungrateful, but it just, it's not my love language and it really isn't.

It can be so overwhelming sometimes. Like, it's just too much. I'll come home from work, and I'm really happy to see him, but then it's just constantly... He needs to just be holding on to me and showering me with physical affection, and I just... Like, I need to just sit down for half an hour and decompress. Like, I maybe had a stressful day. When you tell him that, what does he say? Well, it's either one of two reactions. So...

Either he kind of gets hurt and huffy and just goes away and leaves me alone and he's just upset and hurt. Or he will say, oh, okay. And then he'll keep doing it. But then, oh yeah, you don't want me to touch you. I forgot. God, dude, what a baby. You're dating a toddler. You know that, right?

I don't, I don't, he's just like, he's hurting over that. He's a toddler. He's normally more mature. Like he's normally quite. I know, but look, you know, this as well as I do. Okay. You've been in relationships, you know what physical affection is and you know what connection is. You also know when somebody is a vampire, he is not trying to connect with you. He is trying to use you for his own emotional regulation and you can feel the difference.

Yeah, I mean, I do kind of, but I also think he means well. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's your body. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I can mean well all day long. If the person I'm trying to touch is saying, please don't touch me, that's my problem to deal with, not yours. And by the way, I'm not a fan of the love language stuff.

Because it frames it, and I've never talked to the guy who created them, but I don't like how they're used. Because they get used as needs. And they get used as inflexible. I have a need here, and if you don't meet this need, I'm going to die. I'm going to be unloved because you didn't meet my need. And that's nonsense.

That's those things that they get weaponized. Well, my love language is gift giving and you came home today and you didn't bring me a gift. So I see that you chose not to love me today. That's insanity. It's nonsense. It's very childish. He won't. Well, that's just the way I feel. It's not how he, but he wants unfettered access to your body so that he feels better. And that's parasitic.

Well, I mean, how do I differentiate then? Like, what is normal, loving? How do I, I don't want him to feel hurt. I'm not trying to be a jerk. That's not your job. That's not your job. He can feel hurt. I mean, good grief. You come home from work and you say, I want 30 minutes to decompress. And he's like, oh, okay. I see. You don't even love me. You can't control that. He's a baby. The greatest gift you can give him is to show up whole.

And if showing up whole is, hey, I need 30 minutes of whom, or when I walk in the door, let's have a long 30 second hug. And then I need to go exhale, change my clothes, go for a walk, plop down on the TV, like whatever I need to do for half an hour. Do you get what I'm saying? So I want you to stop living your life to try to not make him feel a certain way. You can't control that. You don't have that kind of power. I want you to,

to ask yourself, what do I need in this house so that I can exhale and be at peace when I walk in my own house? Because right now you're starting to not even like walking in the door, right? I mean, yeah, it can be a lot, especially after a stressful day. Yes. So how do I then, so I mean, a loving relationship, it requires obviously some physical affection and love. How do I navigate that in a way that it's,

Works for both of us. If we both just have different needs. I want to, yeah, I want to take needs out. He will not die. If y'all never touched again, he would not die. He'd be miserable. He wouldn't like it, but he's not going to die. He needs oxygen. He needs food. He needs water. He needs relationships. And so let's get into what do we want? Cause that changes the whole narrative.

Because then he has to say, when you walk in the door, I want to have my hands all over you all of the time. And then you get to say, I don't want your hands all over me all of the time. Because we're talking about wants. And I want to be able to say, I need a little bit of body autonomy without you throwing a temper tantrum or acting like a child. And I will say this, most men, this is just the way we're socialized,

Most men do not know how to connect in any other way other than through physical touch. Because in the real world, being vulnerable, being social, being emotional with other men will get you killed. They'll get you ostracized. They'll get you kicked out of the boardroom. And so in many ways, guys check in. That's how they know that their marriage, their relationship, their girlfriend, everything's okay is through physical touch.

Yeah. I mean, I do kind of get that sense from him a little bit. So are there ways... He's maybe a little bit more anxious. Yes, there it is. And that makes you anti-anxiety medication for him. And that's not your job. Your job is just to be his girlfriend. Yeah. And so what I really want him to do is two things. One, begin to explore when you're gone, when you're on the other side of the room taking a business call,

What are some other things he can do to feel less anxious that don't involve putting his hands all over you? What are some other things? Because that's his job is to deal with his anxiousness. And the second thing is, what are things that both of you can do to establish our relationship is good and safe? Because what he does is he creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Every time you walk in, hands all over, hands all over, hands all over. And finally you're like, hey, I need a minute. Oh my gosh, she hates me. And then you get annoyed that he's acting like a baby. And then you let him come, well, come hug me. And then you're like, ugh. And then pretty soon you stop coming home. Yeah. And then his fears that he's trying to quell by always being handsy are a self-fulfilling prophecy. He creates the world that he was trying so hard to avoid. Yes. Yeah.

But I think it starts with a grownup conversation, which is, hey, I've tried to just talk about it and talk about it. I know that you love to hug me. I know that you want to always have your hands on me and I get it and I'm glad that you love me. But I can tell when you're anxious and you're trying to use my body for you to feel less anxious and that's not my job. And also we have to, if our relationship's gonna last, we have to get to a place where I say what I want and you don't immediately say,

Turn into a third grader who just got dumped on the playground. Is that fair? Yeah, I mean, I guess so. I just... I do want to be able to have him feel loved in the relationship as well. I don't want it to just, I don't know, be all what...

makes me feel loved every day and then what makes him feel loved kind of gets brushed to the side. I know, but here's the problem. Here's the problem with that sentiment. One of y'all, the way you're setting it up is one of y'all has to not feel loved. If he could actually feel what it feels like when he walked and saw you walk in the door and said, hey, how can I love you today? And you said, you could really love me by giving me 30 minutes to exhale and then just French kissing me for about 15 seconds.

right? Then he could exhale and say, okay, she's been very clear on how I can love her. If I'm feeling anxious, that's my problem to solve. And what he's going to figure out is, oh my gosh, when I love her in the way that she wants to be loved, I feel connected in a way that is much deeper and richer than me trying to manhandle her 24-7, 365.

And you, when you start feeling loved in the ways that make you actually feel loved and not like you're his mother trying to pat him on the head and make sure little, little Timmy's knee feels better after he skinned his knee, then you will increasingly crave connection with him. Yeah. Do you get what I'm saying? Somebody's got to break this cycle.

But it can't just be on a case-by-case basis. It's got to be breaking the cycle like an intentional, okay, look, we need to have a grown-up conversation. And every time we do this, you get your feelings hurt and you go into, I need you to not do that. I need you to stay present with me. Grown-up adults, I want to start asking each other, how can I love you today? In the morning, and how can I love you today on the way home? And if that makes you anxious when I say, here's how you can best love me today,

or love me for the next hour, then you've got to deal with that anxiousness because this isn't just, I need it, I need it, I need it. This isn't about that. He does need it, but it's not because he loves and he's trying to connect with you. He needs it because that's the only thing he's figured out right now that helps him feel a little bit less anxious. And you can't be his anti-anxiety medication. That's parasitic. It's not your job.

Your job is to be fully whole and to love him and see all of him and still love him anyway. Not bury yourself in the process. Thanks for the call, kid. I really appreciate it. This one was going to be tough. I know it is. But I also believe, man, if y'all really love each other, hearing, hey, here's how you can love me. And here's the strategy we're going to put into place for the next three months on asking each other, how can I love you? And then honoring that and then dealing with our own discomfort outside of that. It'll be tough. I think y'all can do it.

Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

All right, folks, cutting corners with our physical health won't cut it. Whenever I try and just wing it, when I don't have a plan or any goals for my fitness routine, I end up skipping workouts and making lots of excuses and not really getting anywhere with my beefcake workouts. And I hear from you a lot, this is the same way y'all work too. If we want to make real progress towards our fitness goals, we have to have a plan. And TrainWell's got just the plan for everyone.

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$89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free personal training. Go to TrainWell, that's T-R-A-I-N-W-E-L-L, trainwell.net slash Deloney. That's trainwell.net slash Deloney. Go check them out. All right, we are back. Don't forget to hit the like or subscribe button. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? Yes, this is from Becky in Oregon, and she writes, Dear John, Kelly, and the team,

The past couple of years have been very tough for me. We had a church split during the pandemic and I lost a lot of friends. I found myself very isolated and alone, but I listened to your show and I decided to do something about it. Five months ago, I started a girl's night out with seven friends to see who would show up.

I'm happy to say that all seven of them have been coming once a month to dinner, even at different restaurants. Amazing. I decided to invite anyone I have done something with outside of church and within the last—people that I've done something with outside of church in the last year, and it's a very mixed group of women. We all get along great and it has been such a lifesaver and so much fun. Thank you for encouraging people to have a new tribe, crew, face-to-face friendships. It worked.

Sincerely, Becky from Oregon. Dude, that's so cool. Way to go, Becky from Oregon. I need to start doing that. Practice what you preach, John. Nope. Nope. Becky from Oregon, you just inspired me, dude. Way to go. Just making the phone call and saying, hey, let's go hang out. I'm doing that today. I reached out to one of Hank's buddy's dads and said, let's take the boys and go hang out. Of course, he was like, that would be awesome. And I've been anxious ever since.

Where are y'all taking the boys? We're going fishing. Okay. So it's not something where the boys will run off and do their own thing, and y'all will be forced to have... Y'all will all four be there together. I mean... Maybe. It's going to be awesome. It's going to be amazing. And that's today? That's today. It'll be great. It's beautiful weather. It'll be great. Stunning. And I actually really like this guy. He's a good friend, so I like him. But my... Whenever I get some time off, I... My...

natural bent is to just withdraw and go into a cave. Your love language. My love language. My love language and my needs. So ridiculous. Oh my gosh. That gives me hemorrhoids. I need it. I need gifts or you don't love me. Oh my gosh. Gives me the G-A-S-P's and G's. Gives me the gas. Love you guys. Bye.