My Boyfriend’s Female Friend Doesn’t Like Me
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They met in college and I can't seem to get along with her and I'm not sure why she feels threatened by me. That's the impression that I've been kind of given. Your boyfriend sucks. Yeah. Why does it bother you so much that this stranger doesn't like you? I agree. Does he have feelings for this other woman? What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show talking about making good choices. We were just talking off air about a minute season of not making the greatest choices.

Talking about your mental and emotional health, making good choices, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we're going to help figure out the next right thing. Whatever you want to talk about, I'm here. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. It's 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash askask.

And don't forget, hit the subscribe button on the YouTubes or leave a five-star review. It makes such a big difference for putting us up in the algorithms. All right, let's roll out to Minneapolis and talk to Kayla. You got me on my knees, Kayla. What's up, Kayla? Doing pretty good. How about you? Excellent. I'm doing great. What's up in your world?

Sure. So my question for you is, how do I handle my boyfriend's female friend who excludes me in group settings? That whole sentence is strange. Tell me about this person you're dating.

Sure. So my boyfriend and I have been together for two and a half years, and he recently bought a house about a year and a half ago. And he has been friends with this woman for about eight years. They met in college, and I can't seem to get along with her, and I'm not sure why she feels threatened by me. That's the impression that I've been kind of given, and him and I don't know how to navigate this.

He has a choice to make. Does he want to lose you as his romantic partner? Or does he want to keep this platonic friendship? Because it sounds like she's really immature. Yeah. We've confronted her about this too. And when he asked her if she likes me or not, she couldn't really give a straight answer. Here's the thing, Kayla. She doesn't have to like you. There's not a rule that says she has to like you. The rule is, is your boyfriend going to honor you?

his girlfriend, the person who might become his wife one day, or is he going to keep placating to this kind of vampire-y other person, this friend? Because, like, take the female part of it out. I had buddies that weren't super in favor of me dating my wife, and they're not my buddies. Like, they get to choose.

you know what i mean and so and i had other buddies being like hey man are you sure she's the she's the right person for you because she was so different than person i mean than people i've dated in the past and her friends for sure sat her down and were like whoa this guy's not super stable they and they were right but like so take the take the female part of it out like if it was just a dude friend at the end of the day he's got to decide do i want to

be with this guy who won't invite my girlfriend anyplace, keep snubbing her when we're in public or whatever. And so just the fact that it's a woman makes there like a little layer, an additional layer of tension, if you will. My question for you is like, why do you care so much about this other friend? Right. Why does it matter to you? Yeah, like I've asked him that before and he... No, no, I'm asking you. I don't know. Like I can't pinpoint it. I mean, I've tried like...

Talking to her and nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Forget her. Why does it bother you so much that this stranger doesn't like you? Um, I guess I just want to be included in this group. And your boyfriend allows you to be excluded? Yeah, I mean, he never really did anything or, like, I mean, he confronted her, but that's pretty much the only thing that he did in terms of standing up for me. So, no, your boyfriend sucks. Like, I mean, really? Yeah.

Like if I showed up somewhere and it was very clear that my girlfriend of two and a half years, do y'all live together now? Yeah, we do. Yeah. That I'm building this life with. She's not welcome. I'm out. Yeah. Like this dude sucks. He needs to like grow up. I mean, and I would say that if he was on the phone right now, so I'm not like trying to talk behind his back, but he needs to make a choice. Yeah. Does he have feelings for this other woman?

No, I never worry about them having feelings for each other, and I don't think it's on her side either. It's just I don't know what I've done to her to make her not like me. It doesn't matter. You're trying to solve that. She probably has feelings for your boyfriend, and that's fine. Or she's got some maternal or super dope best friend. She's not good enough for my whatever. But getting into her head and trying to figure that out is a waste of your time and energy. You're never going to know that.

Right. The bigger thing is I think she is... I say this... I use this analogy too much, but she's the proxy war. The real issue is you have a boyfriend that you've started... You're playing house with. You've been with for two and a half years. You're starting to think about a future. You've got a picture in your head, and this dude won't stand up for you on a basic level. Where are other places he doesn't stick up for you? I mean...

I don't know. I mean, pretty much he's stuck up for me. Like we've had like conflicts with family members and stuff. And he's always been like to my side and everything. But it just seems like this one issue, he has troubles like facing it. And one thing to note is that she is dating his best friend. So he became friends with her first and then he became friends with her boyfriend later. So let's forget him and let's forget her. What do you want?

I just want to be able to get along with everybody. So that's not going to happen because they don't want to get along with you. Okay. So when you think about your relationship with him, what do you want? I want marriage. I want to have kids someday. I want stability. I want a fulfilling relationship and I just want to be healthy. Okay. Part of a fulfilling relationship is somebody having the courage that when their spouse is not welcome, they get up and walk out the door.

Because in all situations, I choose her. Right. And for whatever it's worth, Kayla, you're worth that. And I would recommend not creating humans, not having kids, not getting on the mortgage, not marrying somebody who hem hauls around that. Yeah. Like you're worth more than that. Yeah, you're right. Is that fair? Do you believe that? Yeah, it is.

Yeah, I do. I deserve happiness. Well, it's not even deserve happiness. You deserve loyalty. You deserve priority. You don't deserve, I'm going to give her a good talking to and then, well, she doesn't like you. So you just go over there in the corner. We're going to hang out over here. Are you kidding me? Yeah. I mean, hopefully it sounds absurd when you hear me saying it back to you, right?

Yeah, it does. Okay. And I know it's hard when you're in love with somebody, when you want something to work really bad and you're in the middle of it, it's really hard to see it. And that's why you have friends and therapists and knuckleheads on a podcast, right, that you can reach out to. But you're worth more than this whole situation. And this other woman, she's never going to like you. And she doesn't have to. Like, good on her. Mm-hmm.

The real question here is, what is this romantic relationship worth to your boyfriend? And right now he's trying to play both sides of the fence. He bought a house. Yeah, he did. He invited you into his little world on his terms. He won't marry you yet.

He probably tells you he's got like plans or he wants to do some stuff and then, right? Whatever nonsense that is. Yeah. And so he's stringing you along and stringing you along and he's got this other friend group that you're kind of not included in. Screw that dude, man. Yeah. I just, I just sucks. It just sucks for you. And if he was talking to me, I'd say it sucks for him too because he's not going all in in any place. And what he's going to do is he's going to, um,

He's just breathing really shallow oxygen because he's trying to placate everything so he doesn't have to make hard decisions in his life. He doesn't have to make commitment decisions. Does that sound right? Yeah, absolutely. You're spot on. Okay. So I think here's what I would do if I were you. I would get with a couple of girlfriends that I trust, not in this little friend circle.

And I would do, you said things like, I want to be happy and I want, you know, I want to, I want a fulfilling marriage, things like that. I want you to be very specific about what that looks like. I want a guy that puts his phone down when I walk in the room. I want a guy who pauses or mutes the game when I walk into the living room because I'm worth more than a bunch of multimillionaire dudes playing a game that I'm just watching. I'm not even playing.

I want to know that we're going to talk about a budget every month, that we're on the same page with how we spend our money, that we're on the same page with our kid raising goals. So I know I'm a priority. And right now it's just, I mean, you're just a part, you're a puzzle piece in whatever world he's trying to create. And he's allowed to do that. You aren't married. He can do what he wants to do. But I'm just telling you, I think you're worth more than that. But I think the worth starts with you acknowledging it and being very specific about what you want. And then you have to lay it out for him.

We've been together two and a half years. I moved into your house. Here's what moving forward looks like for me. I got to be a priority. I got to be number one. And so if that means like you going over to a group of friends' house that don't like me, don't want me around, I'm going to ask you to choose because I want to be with you. If it's a bunch of dude bros, yeah, that's weird. Don't go over there. But like, you know, to go watch the fights or whatever, like don't do that. But you know what I'm talking about. I don't have to dance around and not be welcome places with you.

I want us to build a life together. I don't want you to build this life or keep this life that you had and then you kind of fit me in over here on the side and I'll just take whatever scraps fall off your table. I want to share a meal with you. I hate this for you, Caleb. I don't think this is all she wrote because I recognize a lot of myself in him.

especially years ago, years and years when I was first dating and first thinking about getting married. I was trying to keep everything the way it was and add this new thing, this new forever partner. And I had a lot of reckoning to deal with. And I needed some people in my life to call me out on it. And so maybe you're that person for him. But it all starts with you asking yourself, what do I want? And then you got to say it all out loud. You have to be willing to be fully known. Thanks for the call, Kayla. We'll be right back.

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This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Hey, folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and the challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories that we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and bad.

The stories of our past and the stories we have yet to write. And we even tell our stories about our futures. And these stories are so powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next. As we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even begin to heal your old stories and be intentional about the new stories you're writing for yourself.

And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February. I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life and your family's life forever for the better. And if you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin to write new ones.

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Start writing a new story this month with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we are back. Let's go out to Charlotte, North Carolina and talk to Alyssa. Hey, Alyssa, what's going on? Hey, how are you today, Dr. John? Doing all right. How about you? Not great, but better than I deserve. Oh, man, what's going on?

Um, okay. So I wrote this all down to kind of keep me from going down too many bunny trails. Okay. Um, I hope you have your waders on because this is going to be a deep mess. All right. Let's, let's just, we don't even need waders. Let's just cannonball. Let's just do it. Um, I would like to preface this by saying I have built myself a beautiful life. I have a small home. I run a small business out of, and I absolutely love my husband and our four month old little girl. Excellent.

Um, originally I was going to ask you like how I can reconcile the differences with where my husband and I started our relationship about 10 years ago to where we are now. But, uh, something happened this weekend that kind of changed the trajectory of my question a little bit. Um, I've known my husband for about 10 years and, um,

When we met, I was coping with childhood abuse, recently lost a cousin to suicide, and he was like the first person to actually hold me and let me cry. I was okay with a lot of drugs, drinking, promiscuity, stuff like that. I'm not okay with that anymore. When you say you're okay with it, you're okay with your husband doing that, or that's how you coped?

That's how I coped. Okay, great. Okay. So about five years ago, I lost my dad to a drug overdose. He was 54. And this weekend, I got the opportunity to be lucky enough to bring my husband home from the hospital from a drug overdose. Oh, man. So I'm wondering how I can protect myself and our four-month-old while still offering my husband the connection he so desperately needs without enabling him.

Man, there's a lot there. Thanks for calling. Yeah. Yeah. No, thanks for taking my call. I never thought I would actually get to talk to you. That's super cool. Oh, man. Let's do something kind of strange. Take me back to your original question. Tell me about the last 10 years. So we met, and I was, I guess, a little bit of a party girl. And we were okay. I was okay with us, like,

Drinking, having a good time. I told him previously, I'm like, I'm not a stickler when it comes to like porn use and stuff like that. And the more I've learned about it, just like the neurological aspects of that kind of addiction and just the thought that anybody that's in that environment is probably not

healthy or happy themselves. They don't really want to be there. So it bothers me to have to know that he's watching porn. And I used to be okay with that. I used to we used to drink kind of heavily together. And

And that's kind of how I coped with everything that has gone on in my life. I got a high score on the aces, probably like an 8 out of 10. Good night. You say that like congratulations are in order. They're not, man. Okay, real quick, before we keep going, I want you to do me a huge favor, okay? How old are you now? I'm 33. 33.

Did you go to like homecoming when you were in high school? No, my dad was an addict our whole life and school wasn't, I dropped out at 16 and moved away. Okay, so 16 is who I had in my head. So do me a favor, close your eyes and I want you to picture looking in a mirror at 16 year old you. You have her? Yep. What's she look like? What color is her hair?

Blonde. Is it long or curly or short? Very long. Very long. Are you tall? Is she short? Oh, yeah. No. Very tall? Athletic, beautiful, frumpy. What does she look like? Yep. No. Athletic, pretty. Okay. I want you to stare into her as deeply as you can with your eyes closed. Okay? And I want you to repeat after me. Okay. I'm so sorry you had to leave home. Can you say it? I'm so sorry you had to leave home.

And none of this? And none of this? Was your fault. Was your fault. And alcohol? Alcohol. And weed? And weed. And some guy telling you I love you for 30 minutes? Yep. And some guy telling you I love you for 30 minutes. Was the way you stayed alive? Was the way you stayed alive. And I'm proud of you for staying alive. And I'm proud of you for staying alive. Now your shoulders are up around your neck. I want you to pull them down. Okay? Okay.

From this point forward, I don't ever want you to define yourself by what you did to survive. Because for somebody with an ACE score of 8 out of 10, alcohol is a miracle. Crazy sex is a miracle. Weed is a miracle. Meth is a miracle. Oh, yeah. Because it makes the pain stop and it gets you through to tomorrow and then it gets you through to the next day. Yeah. Okay? And the beautiful thing about growing up and getting wiser is we get to change our minds. We get to do different things.

We get to demand new things of ourselves and those that we're in relationship with. So you wanting new things for your life and you holding your husband to new expectations and saying, hey, as for me and my house, I don't want, I got to be sober. I want a different life. You can't be cheating on me and I'm not going to cheat on you if I want a different life. I don't want a house full of pornography. It's got a haze to it. It just makes the house feel dark. Makes your eyes glaze over.

Yeah. And I don't want us smoking weed anymore. I want us to just face the challenges and the stress that we have so we can get to the other side of it. That's just called growing up. It's called being wise. It's called getting healthy. And it's not something to apologize for over and over and over again. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And one of the heartbreaking things about making choices is when people that you love don't. Yeah. And here's a weird path. Tell me if I'm wrong, but it's pretty common.

You look back and say, I want a different life. So you drink less or you drink not at all. And you don't want to be involved in rambunctious sex stuff and you're not up for all these all-night benders or whatever. I want to make some changes. And maybe you start eating healthy. Maybe you start going to the gym. Maybe you get some friends. Maybe you go to AA. Maybe you go to church. And your partner just feels the separation. Yeah. And since alcohol works...

The alcohol use increases. The drug use increases. Yeah. The defaulting to sex increases. Does that sound right? Yeah, it's pretty spot on. Okay, so what you've done is you've broken a sick cycle, and for now he hasn't come with you. Yeah. And so the greatest gift you can give him is a well-anchored you. How do you do that? Well, first you've got to tell that 16-year-old that your dad was sick because of stuff that was going on with him, not her. You've been trying to fix your dad for your whole life.

You even married him. Yeah, you're going to say that. Right? You've been trying to fix this problem and you have to open your hands and realize, this was never my problem. It was never something I could solve. And that's a humbling, scary, frustrating thing because you spent 30 years of your life trying to solve it. Yeah. Your dad's drug use and his ultimate passing was never about you. It really feels like it sometimes. I know. And he probably told you it was.

Well, two weeks before I finally kind of like let him have it. And that was our last conversation. What'd you tell him? Well, I just said,

I just let him, I just explained to him that, you know, he wasn't there for me. He wasn't there to protect me. He was the worst. He caused the most pain and he was supposed to be the one to keep that from me. And he doesn't, his younger kids are adopted and he doesn't even know where they are. And yeah, he was a pretty crappy dad. Okay. And then he passed away? Yeah.

Alyssa, his passing was not your fault. The timing sucks. Yeah. But you telling the truth was not your fault. Okay. Okay.

I hear that little baby. I love that sound. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. She is amazing. And all those GPS pins with a little girl. I know. Oh, my goodness. Okay, so here's the deal. Your current husband's wellness journey is his. Your job right now is to keep yourself safe and whole to protect that baby at all costs.

And to walk alongside your husband as needed. But he has to do the walking in his path. What does that mean? You can't drag him to rehab. Right. You can't fall for his threats. If you do this, I'm going to. That's his choice he's going to make. Okay. You can tell him, as for me and my house, after coming home, you will be in a 30-day or 60-day inpatient rehab program by the end of today or by tomorrow. Or you are choosing to leave this home.

Because I will not do this again to another generation of my family. Okay. And what I want you to do is you're holding, hold your baby four months old, you said? Yeah. Okay. I want you to imagine her holding her four month old and knowing nothing of what you're experiencing right now. That would be a blessing. It's not going to be a blessing. It's going to be a ton of hard work on your end.

Yeah. Because you're going to have seasons of being lonely and you're going to have seasons of holding boundaries. Ooh. You've never done that before. I know. You've never done it before because people beat you up for your boundaries growing up. Oh, yeah. Okay. Just bulldozed right over them. That's right. To the point that it made you feel crazy for even having a boundary. Yeah. You're not crazy. You never were. You were just a small little girl and your dad was a big guy. Just because somebody crashes through your boundaries doesn't mean they're not right. Right.

And so here's the exercise, okay? Do you have a counselor that you meet with? No. Okay. You're going to need one. Yeah. And I'm going to tell you something. I don't want to pile up on you, but I'm just going to be honest with you and tell you the truth. And normally I would tell you this in like session three or four if we were actually meeting in person for coaching. But just for the sake of the listeners, I'm going to tell you now, okay? Those GPS pins that are setting off in your heart, in your mind, in your body as you hold this little four-month-old girl and you pick up your husband from rehab,

They are becoming part of your daughter's nervous system. Oh, yeah. Don't do that. I don't want that word. No. Which means you have to do the healing on your own. And I'm telling you, with an eight, you cannot do this by yourself. You got to get some people to walk with you. Yeah. Okay? Okay. Vulnerability has gotten you crushed for your whole life. And it's going to be the path to healing from this point forward. Vulnerability just means...

I'm going to find a group. I'm going to find a small group of women. I'm going to find a counselor. I'm going to begin to say out loud the things that I've been protecting other people from my whole life. Okay. Okay? Okay. Grief demands a witness, as Kessler says. I'm going to say these things out loud in the presence of other people. And what you're going to find is they don't run. In fact, they love you more. And that's not something you can know intellectually. Your body has to feel it. Okay. So here's your three homework assignments, okay? Okay.

Okay. Homework assignment number one is I want you to go back and write that 16-year-old girl a letter. Okay. Homework assignment number two, I want you to write that your little baby girl, don't give me her name. I want her to have some anonymity. I want you to write her a letter that she's going to open when she's 16 about the work you started doing right now. Okay. Number three, I want you to get with a counselor, an AA group, a professional, and I want you to make a list of what must be true in your home as your husband returns. Okay.

Okay. He has exceeded your capacity to help him in this moment. Yeah. He has to go get professional help. That's tough. I know. Yeah. And I know it's outlandishly expensive. And I know it is like when it comes to who's going to pay our bills, how are we going to make this work? I'm going to have to go get a job. I will stay at home. I know and I know and I know. And there's not an easy path unless you're just independently a jillionaire, which you're not.

But I don't want you going back to the hospital again to pick up his bag of things because that's what's left. I don't want y'all going back to the hospital again. I want you picking him up from an inpatient stay in 30 days or 60 days and y'all begin to build an entirely new marriage, an entirely new life. That's going to include marriage counseling because y'all don't know how to do it. That's going to include sober living because it's been a struggle for both of you. It's going to include parenting classes. You can do that at a YMCA. You can do that at a local church. You can do that with a counselor, but you're just going to invest in yourselves.

Hang on the line here. I'm going to get you started today with my friends at BetterHelp. They're going to take care of you. Okay? So they're going to get you somebody that you can start talking to, a licensed therapist, ASAP, and you can do it with your phone or you can do it via your computer, your laptop. And I know it's hard with a four-month-old to find childcare and to do all that. We're going to get you going in the next 24, 48 hours. So hang on the line and we're going to get you a code that you can get started with BetterHelp with the therapist. Okay? They're going to help you map out a plan.

What's my next move and what must be true for this man to return back to our home? And right now what must be true is he's got to go get professional help inpatient out. He used so much he almost died. That exceeds your capacity. What he needs from you now is a sturdy, planted, rooted partner so that he can rappel off the side and go get the help he needs. And no, I'm not going anywhere. And as you hold these boundaries, you've got to hold space for he might look at you and say, I'm not going to do it. He's going to opt to leave.

And I want you to have a community, a group of friends, a couple of women in your life or a counselor or somebody to call. You can process that with you. I'm excited for what comes next for you, Alyssa. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back.

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All right, let's go out to Chowchilla, California and talk to Buford. Hey, Buford, what's up, man? Hello. Thank you for taking my call. You got it, brother. What's up? I have a situation that reoccurs every year about this time of the year with my wife. And she says it's seasonal depression. She knows it comes on.

but she doesn't do anything to help herself. What can I do to help her before this comes? Oh, that's a great question. So, yeah,

We give, like for listeners on the show, almost always now we change names and locations. Are you in a part of the West Coast or are you somewhere where, like yesterday in Tennessee, Tennessee is the most amazing place in the country, I think. But in the winter, it's pitch black at 445 or five o'clock. And so are you in a place in the country where it starts getting real dark all the time?

Well, of course. We're on the West Coast, and we're in the Central Valley of California. Okay. So tell me what seasonal depression, and we're not using that clinically, we're using that colloquially, like what does that look like in your house? What does that look like? So she works out at a gym four or five times a week, and then we...

She comes through the cycle and we take a trip with the RV and we unpack the RV. We pack it all back in the house and get back to normal, go back to the grind and all that. And then all of a sudden she is tired. And this is the first year that she had this with the RV.

that she became depressed, lethargic, no energy, doesn't want to do anything, just laying around in pajamas, you know? Doesn't even do the bills or anything like that. So that's a red flag warning to me. Yeah. It's hard to see someone you love struggling, isn't it? Yes, yes. Oh, yes. Very much, very much. How old are you guys?

Well, I'm 66 and she's 63. Okay. Has she gone and done any sort of hormone testing as a 63-year-old? No.

No, nothing, nothing. And I've encouraged her to reach out to mental health experts. Her dad had depression real bad. She has depression and her siblings might have depression. I don't know. So there's a record. Sure.

There's a, and there's some significant heritability in some of those things. Um, so I'm going to give you a couple of low hanging fruit things and then some bigger picture things to work through. Okay. Low hanging fruit. I think at my house, I've got four, maybe five of the, I got on Amazon and I don't have any brand affiliation with anybody. I can't even tell you the name of the brands that I use, but I got the seasonal effective lights. Okay.

10,000 Lux or greater. And I have them in my – I have a garage gym. I got one in there. I got them where I write in the mornings, and I've got them around the breakfast room, around like the kitchen. And when I'm up – and I always get up first in the house. Me and my wife kind of go back and forth, but when I'm up, I turn on every one of them. Our house looks like the sun. Okay? Yeah.

And there is some pretty significant correlation to like your brain needs light to wake itself up. It's circadian rhythm stuff. And you could go down Andrew Huberman talks the most eloquently publicly about it, but you can go on rabbit hole. Your body regulates itself through morning light and evening light. It just does. And so when it's pitch black in the morning and it's pitch black in the late afternoon, and it's just hard to get it. Those, I mean, I have those in my house. The second thing is,

I work out inside. I work out in a gym. I have to force myself when it's cold, when it's hot, when it's just when it's raining to do something outside, especially in the morning and especially in the afternoon. And that means this morning I was going to be late to the office. I spent five minutes outside in the light and it's hazy out today here in Nashville throwing the ball to my big old goofy dog.

and I stepped in dog cha-cha, and I tracked it all through the house, but I needed to get outside and do that. And when I get home, I'm going to do my best to do something outside. When someone that you love is struggling with dysthymia, low-level depression, that simple act can be really tough. And so my recommendation for you is something as simple as, I need to take a five-minute walk, and I don't like to go by myself, or I really want you to come with me. Will you come?

Sometimes people will do for others what they won't do for themselves. Sometimes they won't, right? And it can be easy to take it personally. But often a person will go, okay. And they will hem-haw and ugh and ugh. But over time, it's a good thing. Is your wife, during this season, does she still go to the gym? Does she still exercise?

Yes, she does, but when she has this depression, everything goes out the window. Okay. She just like bundles up and just becomes like something in a hole. That's it. Yep, yep, yep. Okay. So if you said, what do you do for a living? Drive a truck. Oh, sweet. Okay. So if you said, listen, I want to focus. I've got about 40 years left.

Before the good Lord comes and gets me. And I want those last 40 years, I want to be able to get up and down off the ground. And I want to be able to roll around with my dog or my grandkids or get up in and out of a truck or whatever, as long as I can. I'm going to go meet with a doctor about my blood, my blood work, my testosterone and stuff. Would you come with me and do it too? Because I want us to both have a baseline as we head into our fourth quarter.

Would she do that with you in support of you? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Okay. Yeah, she does that quite a bit. I would love for her to get hormones tested. I would love for her to get just a baseline because there may be something physiologic that happens. Go ahead. She does have a doctor that runs her hormones and her thyroid regularly.

So all that always comes back normal. Okay. But it's around October, November, and starts, the peak goes up and goes way down sharply. Does she have any experiences with loss in October or November? Well, her mother did pass away 20 years ago in December. In December. Yes.

There's often a significant correlation there between some sort of loss that's gone unprocessed and time as your body begins to gear up for it. And that probably means over the last few years, the holiday season for the last 20 years has been tough on her, hasn't it? Right. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. So an interesting exercise, it may not be a light switch on or off, but an interesting exercise might be your wife and maybe even you, if you remember back to her mother. Yeah.

But I want you all to write her a letter on her 20th anniversary. Write her a letter this year for Christmas. And in that letter, I want you to tell her how much you miss her. I want you to tell her about all the things you've done and the person you've become, you all two have become in the last 20 years. And most importantly, I want you all to spend some time thinking about what her mom would have wanted you all to do for the holiday season, October, November, December.

And sometimes when we lose somebody, even 20 years ago, our body just puts a GPS pin and it holds. And every year it starts to sound the alarms. Remember what happens at the holidays. Remember what happened. Don't get too happy. Don't get too happy because you remember what's coming in December. And we don't even know it. It's happening in the background. It's happening underneath the water.

But slowly we stopped going to the gym. Slowly we stopped eating right. We watch a little more TV. We scroll a little more. And it's this preparation. Think of it like a boxer about to hit you and it's just slowly bringing your hands up to protect your head. And then finally you look up and it's January and you're just not moving anymore. Does any of this ring a bell?

Yeah, it does. And she is well aware of it. We just talked about it, how she hates it inside. So, you know, the other day we talked about it over the phone. She broke down completely. And the next day she felt a little better. So talking about it with her helps her, you know,

She doesn't tell me until it's too far gone. There you go. So she might not want to bother you while you're out on the road. Correct. And so a cool thing y'all you can do is say, while I'm gone, I want us to keep sometimes people struggling with depression feel like their body's broken.

And I like to look at it whenever possible. It's not always true, but I like to look at it starting from a place of actually your body's working pretty good. It's trying to protect you from something. And so maybe the holiday season, and again, I'm making stuff up here, your trucking routes pick up.

and you get busier with holiday stuff and deliveries and whatever, and you get on the road a little bit more and you want to make a little bit more holiday money. And her body's remembering that 20 year ago landmark moment when mom left and passed away. All this stuff happens at the same time. And it's easy to begin to say, oh, I'm malfunctioning again. Instead of, oh man, my body is circling the wagons to try to protect me again. It doesn't need to do that this year. And when you think of it like practice, right?

Hey, this year, here's what we're going to do. Wherever I happen to be, are you over the road or you come home at night? No, I'm Monday through Friday. I come home on Fridays. Okay, so you're out. So Monday through Friday, I'm going to commit to a 30-minute walk, even if I have to just make laps around the whatever, the truck stop. Right. I'm going to commit to 30 minutes. Will you commit to 30 minutes too? Yeah.

I'm going to write you a love letter every day in my truck before I go to sleep. And I'm going to send it to you. Will you commit to writing me a love letter? I'm going to write one funny thing that I remember about us dating. Will you commit to writing one funny thing back? And here's what we're doing. We're just practicing to do different things. Right. And then have her take a picture of all the SAD lights, the seasonal effective lights, on in the mornings. Right. Have her just take a picture of it.

Does she have a puppy or a dog? Yes. Yes, she does. Good. Tell her that that goofy dog has to go for a walk in the mornings. So what we're going to do is we're going to build in some activities that y'all are going to do together, even though you're apart. Right. And that way these things won't build and build and build, and you're going to build a bridge towards regular communication back and forth. How'd your walk go this morning? Oh my gosh. I was taking, I was on lap 35 around the truck stop and this wackadoo came in. It's going to give y'all some shared discussion things. And, uh,

It's going to begin to, we're going to practice changing our actions. We're not just going to sit around and think we have a character defect that our bodies are somehow broken. We're weak or something like that. And then, man, I would love for you guys, for you to commit to, um, I want to go talk to a marriage counselor one weekend and I want to not cause we're anything's wrong with our marriage, but I want to know how I can best love you while I'm on the road. How much longer are you going to be on the road? Maybe two or three years. Okay. Okay.

Would she love it if you quit and stayed home? Oh, yeah. She'd be thrilled. She misses you? Is there a chance you could find a different route? Or would it cost you a lot in pension and other things? It might cost me maybe $300 or $400 a week. Okay. And maybe if you all sat down and said, hey, we're in the fourth quarter, like a little bit of a small little Saturday or Sunday marriage retreat while you're home. What do you want the fourth quarter of our life to look like?

We're in our 60s. Whatever we want it to look like, we can build that. And maybe you find out, you know what, $1,000 a month, $300 a week, that's worth it. I want fourth quarter to spend more time with you. And she begins to go, oh, that'd be so great. And I'm going to be at home making coffee and breakfast and flipping on every light switch on the planet, especially during this dark season.

and I'm going to be there to go for a walk with you in the morning and the afternoon. And maybe I'll run some local routes, especially during the holidays or whatever. And maybe she's got permission to say, man, I really miss you. And for whatever reason, when my body starts going into thinking about mom passing the holidays, sometimes when we have a loved one that passes in the holidays, our bodies take on this posture that we don't have permission to celebrate the holidays because someone we love died one time. And if that's the case,

It's important to process that person's passing and in a weird way through letter, seek their blessing on laughter and enjoyment. And I don't know anybody who when they, after they pass away, doesn't want their loved ones laughing their heads off as much as they can. Have it as much fun as they can. I don't want people being miserable when I'm gone. Kelly, I want Kelly to be miserable when I'm gone. But other than that, I want people to have the greatest life ever, right? And so sometimes our bodies get stuck there.

So I've given you a whole smorgasbord of ideas and things to think through. I do think starting with the doctor is important. Let's get those hormones tested again and see if there's anything going on there. And let's begin to come up with a series of practices that we're going to do together, even when you're not at home.

That involve connection that involve moving your body that involve light That involve putting on the screens a little bit That involve your wife going to a local bible study or volunteering at a library or going to read books to kids or getting a couple of friends That she meets for tea or coffee in the mornings That she begins to have a community when things get dark And then if this is heritable if this is a long family history Then maybe sit down with a with a physician and talking about medication talking about ways to Bolster these dark seasons is in order

But the fact that she knows it's coming and that she experiences it and she wants to change so great. And the fact that she's got you by her side who love her and you want, it's, I mean, you're struggling when you're out on the road and she's calling you and she's not doing great. That's a great recipe for two people who can work together. And it's you having a little bit of compassion or a lot of compassion. And it's her choosing to push herself pretty hard, especially when her body wants to stay in bed, especially when it wants to stay in bed.

There's a lot here, man. But she is lucky, lucky, lucky to have you as her husband. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. It's going to be my gift to you guys for free. And the secret to the book is it's not only about anxiety. It's about just building a life that our bodies can exist in. We can have peace. And I want you all to work through that book in this new year on the weekends. Y'all can maybe take a chapter over breakfast on Saturdays or Sundays when you're home. And y'all can begin to build this life and say, okay, what would this look like?

In our last quarter of our life, what if we did these six daily choices together? What would change? Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you, man. We'll be right back.

This morning I got up and it was cold and gray and so cold. And so far this has been a weird, strange winter. It can seem like winter will never end. It just drags on and on and on. And whenever winter gets really cold and blah, if my sleep is messed up, everything gets messed up. I don't want to get out of bed when the alarm goes off. I eat more junk food. I watch more screens and doom scroll. I'm tempted to skip my exercises and on and on. And I'll tell you this.

My Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed this winter, even though it's cold and dark outside and I'm getting great sleep and I'm able to hop up ready for action in the mornings. I know it sounds unbelievable, but it's true. This winter has been incredible. Getting great sleep on my Helix mattress has had a positive domino effect on my whole life. And I'm able to do the things I need to do to be a great husband, a great father, and a good coworker.

My whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses and Helix has a mattress for everybody no matter how you sleep. If you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, on your stomach, whatever, Helix has got you. Plus, Helix offers a 100-night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15-year warranty.

If you're ready to start sleeping like you've never slept before, do what I did. Get online and take the Helix Sleep Quiz. In under two minutes, they'll help you find the mattress that's perfect for you. And right now, my listeners get early access to the Helix Mattress President's Day Sale. Get 20% off site-wide, plus two dream pillows with a mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com slash deloney right now. That's Helix, H-E-L-I-X, helixsleep.com slash deloney.

With Helix, a better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. This is the second time we're back, but Kelly screwed up the last time. So what's up, Kelly? Sorry, my computer just froze for a moment. You dog ate your homework too. Anyway, so this is from Annalise, and she sent in a great email that I thought was worth reading. I thought you would like it.

A few years ago, my husband and I started listening to your shows. We did not know then how much God would use you in our lives. At the time, my mom was diagnosed with the cirrhosis of the liver, and she died the following year. The year after, we went through a major marriage crisis, almost costing us our marriage. Your advice has gotten me through some major depression, helped my husband and I learn to communicate effectively, and changed for the better our relationship with those around us. I truly believe that your advice has saved my life.

God has given you a gift, and I need to say thank you for all you do, and thank you to your amazing team for making it possible. On a side note, your wife and Kelly should be labeled saints. Matching halo tattoos, possibly? Did you say matching halo tattoo? Tattoos. Tattoo. Yes. So, a couple things there. Number one, whenever Kelly reads nice letters like that, you can tell she always adds in, and thank you for your team.

Nobody writes that. She just adds that. Yes, they do. Right here. I have it. She adds it. Nope. Hashtag low self-esteem. Number two, my wife. I wonder why when I'm built up so much by my teammates. Number two, you're right. You and my wife are saints. You know what? You're not a saint. I am not a saint. I will clearly, I will say that I am not a saint. My wife is. But you are worthy of, you'll be in the express lane to heaven.

There will be some people that are like, whoa, whoa, whoa, are you sure? And the guy at the back will be like, at the podium will be like, yes, I'm sure. Yeah. Sounds weird, but yeah, we're letting her in. Yeah. Like, yes, I know, I know, I know. But yes, she's in. And then they're just going to say, she works with John Deloney. They'll be like, ah. Correct. Go ahead. She spent 10 years with Dave Ramsey and then hopefully 10 more with Deloney. Whoa. Fast pass. Fast pass.

And me, on the other hand, because I went through TSA with a knife the other day accidentally, after I totally lectured my son on a hunting trip, check your bag. No knives, no nothing. I walked straight through. So I am banned from TSA for one calendar year. From like TSA pre-check? Yep. Ugh, that sucks because you travel a lot. I travel a lot. Yeah, that's rough. Gosh, hashtag just saying. If you want to see a 14-year-old with his just pointing out, going, ah, ha, ha, ha.

That was my 14-year-old, and I deserved every second of it. Does he have TSA PreCheck? He just gets to come with me. Oh, I think he should be able to get it and go through TSA PreCheck while you have to stand there. Yeah, now he's going to have to stand there in that long, long line. Well, hey, who was that that wrote in? Annalise. Annalise, you're a saint. Thank you for being amazing. And I'll tell everybody again,

I'm just a guy that runs my mouth on a podcast. Y'all are the ones, the men and women who are at home doing the work and asking the hard conversations and changing your marriages and choosing to confront old traumas and choosing to forgive and move on. Y'all are the ones doing this work. It's one of my life's greatest honors to walk alongside you guys. All you brave men and women who are trying to make your lives and those who come after you's lives a little bit better. Thank y'all for blessing me. I love you guys. See you soon. Bye.

Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.

All right, it's the new year and it's a perfect time to begin focusing on your most important relationship, your marriage. Every marriage needs intentional time and energy so that both of you can be aligned in co-creating the life that you both want. That's why my friend Rachel Cruz and I have teamed up to offer our amazing money and marriage getaway retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, this time over Valentine's Day weekend.

You and your spouse will head to Nashville for three days of laughter, hard conversations, maybe a few tears, intentional time together, and lots of practical teaching. At Money in Marriage, we don't shy away from anything. We have sessions on sex and intimacy, communication, how to fight, money, building a new future together, and more.

This is my favorite live event that I'm ever a part of, and I hope you'll grab one of the few remaining tickets. You are worth an extraordinary marriage. Prices start at $799 per couple. That's for the whole weekend. And like I said, there's only a few left, and Valentine's Day will be here before you know it. Get your tickets at ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway.