My Husband Is Living a Double Life
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He has been sleeping with six confirmed women. And I just found all the details out of his double life. You're answering your own question. So, yes, yes, I should just end it? Hold on. There's no possible way I'm going to let you off the hook like that. Okay. You have to be a grown-up and make this call.

What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm so, so grateful that you're with us. Happy New Year. I hope things are going well and they are going in the direction that you want them to be going in. It's always dicey because we shoot this show a month before. So who knows what the world looks like right now. As we shoot this show, there's like drones flying over New Jersey. I don't know, something going on. But I don't know what's happening, but I hope whenever you get this show, your life is going great.

And I hope you are hanging in there with your new New Year's resolutions and your New Year's systems. You're changing your habits, and I'm just so grateful that you're with us. On the show, we talk about relationships, your mental and emotional health, anything you got going on in your life. For two plus decades, I've been sitting with hurting people when their wheels have fallen off their life. And so this show is real people going through real challenges. You want to be on the show? Give me a buzz. 1-844-693-3291. 1-844-693-3291.

Leave a message, let us know what's going on, and we'll holler back at you or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K. All right, let's go out to Roanoke, Virginia to the woman who shoved Jack off the door. Let's talk to Rose. Hey, Rose, what's up?

up. Hey, John. How are you? I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. How are you? I'm doing well. Awesome. I'll just get into it. So me and my husband have been married for six and a half years. We're raising four kids together. We live very traditionally. I'm a stay-at-home mom. He's a police officer. But you got four kids in six and a half years. Did a couple of kids come in the marriage? Well, I had two before that, but he's been on the scene with them since they were two and four years old. Okay. So you brought two and you all had two together?

Correct. Okay. All right.

So as a police officer, he would work off duty at this nightclub. And after the past two years, he was saying he was divorced and we were just living in co-parenting. Then, like I said, six weeks ago, I found out that he has been sleeping with six confirmed women. And I just found all the details out of his double life. They got in contact with me and they told me that he would take them to hotels and go to their apartments and tell me he was working.

And I never questioned it. And then he would come home saying, oh, the club closes at two. He'd be at like four or six saying, you know, I had to arrest someone or whatever. And then he would be telling his women, you know, I love you. I want to be with you. Not using a condom. So, of course, putting us at risk.

And I just don't know how it's possible to be with someone who is supposed to be a police officer, have integrity and protect people, but, you know, preying on these young women because we're 41 years old. And I didn't know any of this was going on. And I don't know if I should fix it. Should I not fix it? I just don't know where to go with this. I actually talked to these women directly and got lots of details that I just, it was like a double life.

How'd your conversation go with your husband? Uh,

Uh, he lied in the beginning and I was like, well, just tell me if there's more. And he of course would lie. And then more came out and then, um, he got investigated from his police department because he had sex with one of these women while in uniform, while at work. And they said, well, aren't you with your wife? And he said, no, we're not together anymore. And that's, and then I got investigated when all this came to light. And I, of course I said, yes, we were together. I didn't know any of this was going on.

So eventually he came clean with everything. Now he's in therapy and he wants to work it through. And it's just like, yeah. Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose, Rose. Yes. Tell me about your first marriage. We were all together six years. He's a respectable guy, a nurse practitioner, very decent dad. We're on great terms. We just weren't the best fit. I guess you would say it was more practical. Does that make sense? No, it's usually just like that's window dressing. Why'd y'all get divorced?

I mean, I don't know. I mean, that was just like, you know, really it was it. I was like, there's nothing really between us between except practical things. We raise the kids, you work, I take care of the kids, but we don't have fun together. We don't go out. We don't have sex hardly. We don't really talk. We're just, but all of those things, all of those things are choices. Yeah, of course. Why did you guys create like two, two good people who created two amazing kids? Why did y'all choose to not water the plants?

Oh, in the first marriage? Mm-hmm. I don't know. He was very unemotional. Just, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. He's just, he wasn't like a romantic. Not that you need that, but I'm just saying he wasn't very. Sure you do. You need that. Well, he wasn't like that, and I wasn't like that. So it was very like, you know, this makes sense. Hold on. You're telling me, like, when people are like, I'm just not a romantic, that means they've gotten burned before.

Yeah, I suppose so. Even the most stoic, hardcore, like elite military guys, they're like, dude, they love some romance. No, he was not like that. He's from Hungary. He's very, he's just a different type. He's very just like smart and by the book and he doesn't even like to hold hands. He's just, I don't know, maybe he has his own issues we didn't talk about, but it was just. Okay, so that's what I'm getting at. Tell me about before him. I was single for five years. What about before that?

Just, you know, young high school and young in your 20s relationships, nothing too serious. Okay. We can keep pulling the thread on this. Somewhere along the way, you got a very strong confirming message that Rose was not to be trusted by Rose. Why don't you trust your own gut? In which way? You don't need... I'm super grateful for the call, but I don't... You don't need my...

Experience or wisdom on this. You know. What should I do?

Should I believe that he's going to change and not be a creep? You tell me. Or should I say bye? You tell me. I don't know. I honestly don't know. You do. Is it best to stay together for the kids? Is it best to believe what he says and just live again practically and never be able to trust this person I look at as a predator now, honestly, like a predator? You're answering your own question. So, yes, yes, I should just end it. Hold on. There's no possible way I'm going to let you off the hook like that.

Okay. You have to be a grown-up and make this call. You have to be an adult and decide, I am worth protecting myself, my integrity, my health, my kids, my soul. Yeah. And somewhere along the way, somebody told me, told you that you didn't know the right answers to what's best for you. And if your parents told you that, I hate it for you because parents should teach their kids

what feelings are, how they work, how they don't tell the truth, and how to ultimately learn to trust yourself. And you didn't get that. Well, I tried to trust him. He's a really good person until you see what they're really like. So I saw it. I know, but what you're saying is insane. That's like saying, like, my bank account, I could see it. It was so huge until I looked at the numbers, and there's no money in it.

Yeah. Right? Like, it's like, I mean, it's what happens with a double life. You don't even know like the person, like I had literally no idea. I know. And you feel insane right now. Yeah. Because we were, I don't even go through his phone. That's a huge mistake. No, no, no, no, no, no. It wasn't a mistake. I trust someone. Listen, here's the hardest part about what you're going through. Because if someone had asked you a year ago,

Hey, is your husband having multiple, multiple affairs? By the way, there's more than six. You know that. Oh, yeah. Of course. Your husband's having multiple, multiple affairs. And by the way, he's using public service as his smokescreen. By the way, there is countless number of police officers and police officers' wives listening to this, and they're burning with rage right now.

Yep. Go be a bad person. Go do your thing. But how dare you say I'm arresting somebody. I'm taking, I'm taking bad guys off the street when you're committing adultery. I mean, don't, don't use our, our, don't use this, this extraordinary gift to the community that we put our lives in danger every day. We make one third of what we should be making or one quarter of what we should be making. How dare you use that as a smokescreen to go blow your family up?

Right? But if I'd asked you a year ago, you think your husband's having multiple, multiple, multiple affairs with all kinds of random people, you'd be like, no. And here's what you'd tell me. I would know. And all of a sudden, you thought you would know. It didn't enter my mind. You feel crazy because you think that, oh my gosh, wives know, people know, and now you don't trust you. Yeah.

So I'm telling you, I'm not going to let you off the hook. I'm not just going to say you need to do this. And by the way, if you've listened to this show for more than 30 seconds, you know what I think, but I want you to practice trusting you. And by the way, I know it is. And there is none. There is zero easy path forward for you. There is a divorce. You become a single mom of four kids.

With a guy who will lie directly to your face, who, by the way, doesn't make a ton of money as a police officer. So even half isn't going to be a ton. And so your dreams of staying at home over your dreams of being able to be present for all these. I'm going to be a good classroom mother. Those are over and you have to exhale. Those are over. Yeah. And staying with somebody to use your words, uh,

With a predator, someone who preys on 19 and 20 year old girls. I mean, am I wrong? I mean, that's how I see this. I'm just using your words, sister. I mean, that's how I see it because you were supposed to protect these people, not, not act like this at work, especially. You're never going to feel safe in your own home. Yeah. So listen, there is no easy path. That means you have to choose your heart. Doing nothing is going to be a really hard life.

Being a single mom with four kids is going to be a really hard life. And the old saying goes, not by your hand, but in your lap. You didn't cause this, yet here we are. And so you have to do the next right thing for you and those kids. And I don't know what that is for you. I know what it'd be for me, but I'm not letting you off the hook. Rose, you know. You know. I just don't want to, like, make the kids' lives, like, so, like, unpredictable. You are responding to a bomb blast. You didn't detonate it.

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I have thought about just leaving him. I'm in therapy now. He's in therapy and separately. Oh yeah. My therapist says you, you could either, like you said, there's two choices and that's it. You just have to pick one and I wish it was that easy. It is. Yeah. But it's, I mean, it's like diet and exercise. Like how do you lose weight? Diet and exercise. Oh, thanks. Genius. Right. Yeah. Real, real, real hard.

Well, I mean, with your experience, these people are just like this. I mean, I don't believe in the phrase, I don't believe in the phrase, these people. Well, just as a general rule, I wouldn't do this job if I believed in the phrase, these people. People that cheat, do they usually change when, or are they, I just feel like he's in a desperate state. He'll do anything and he's just rushing to like fix what he's done. This is not, this situation, in my opinion, is not cheating.

It's way bigger than cheating. Yeah. If somebody has a one-night stand with a work colleague and they come home and they're repentant and they deal with the root cause of their marriage, I think their marriage can be infinitely stronger than it was. I agree. Can somebody have a long-term affair and they finally come clean or they get caught and it blows up everything and two people sit down across the table from each other and decide to build something new? Absolutely. Absolutely.

Can somebody live with somebody who is constantly lives a complete and utter other life and not only disrespects you in the vows, but disrespects your physical health. Yeah. And he took the kids saying they went on play dates around these other women's children. I'm like, what was the purpose of that? So it was just, yeah, it was people everywhere. I guess I'm confused with you. So we don't like, I don't understand why,

Are you just in a fog of disbelief? Not disbelief. I honestly don't know what to do because when it comes down to it, I can leave, I can stay. But what should I do? What makes the best sense for everyone? Not just me, how I feel, but like the children. The greatest gift you can give your kids is an emotionally regulated mom. Okay. The greatest gift a couple can give their kids is two emotionally regulated adults. You do not have one of, you don't have a partner who's emotionally regulated. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Wow. Again, you're going to have to make this call for yourself. And by the way, don't read the comments on YouTube. Would you not do that? Okay. Okay. Because everybody's got their opinion. Everybody's got their opinion. Probably have both. No, they're going to call you and tell you you're stupid. They're going to get all mad about blah, blah, blah. Don't do that. And everybody listening, not all police officers are bad. In fact, very, very, very few of them are. That's true. I know that because my dad was one. He's an outstanding man. I spent most of my career working with those guys.

So I should do what's best for me and the kids is what you're ultimately saying. Yes. And when you sit down with your therapist, I don't want you to say what's best for me because what's best for me is often couched in how things feel. I want you to ask what is going to make me well and whole so that I can show up and be the mom and romantic partner that I can be. Okay. Well, I'll try that. Okay. Okay.

And either choice you make, let me say this, just because it hurts, just because it's painful, just because it's scary doesn't mean it's not the right move.

Yeah, I can agree with that. It's just to uproot everything. I mean, obviously not everything. I would get the house because of the kids, but it's just like, I just don't want to give them like this unstable like environment. Now we're like going back and forth and it's just like so weird. And because he's been around my other kids since they were little. Now they're like, what's going on? So listen, I don't think you've metabolized it fully. Your life as you knew it is over. It is an ash.

Any step you take from this point forward is a step to rebuild something. Okay. Do you want to trust this person to rebuild your marriage together? Or do you want to rebuild your life as a single mother of four? They all seem bad choices, but I get what you're saying. They both are awful choices. Yeah. But you keep trying to make it go back to before this happened. And by the way, have you gone to get tested? Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Good. Yep. I sure did. Can I just say this?

Do me a huge favor. Yeah. Take a huge, huge breath. As deep a breath as you can and hold it. Okay. Big, as deep as you can. Okay. Five, four, three, two, exhale. I want you to pull your shoulders all the way down. Pull them down like to your hips as low as you can. Okay. Done. I'm sorry this happened to you. Well, thanks. I appreciate that. No, like for real. Yeah. It sucks. Yeah.

I'm sorry this happened. Well, I appreciate you talking some sense. I mean, not that I didn't already know. Here's the only sense I'm going to give you. I trust Rose to make the next right move, even when Rose doesn't. I hope I do. No, you will. You will. You will. I trust you. I trust you. And to reduce this to my husband cheated on me, that's not here. That's not the situation. This is a way, way bigger deal than that. Thanks for the call, Rose. Hey, this one gets under my skin. I'm going to keep my mouth shut.

Or I'm going to get myself canceled. We'll be right back. All right, good folks. It's Valentine's time. And I don't know why we need yet another holiday right after Christmas, especially when it's cold and dark outside. But they didn't ask me. So Valentine's time it is. If you're wondering what to get that special person in your life during the Valentine's Day season, you've got to check out the entire Cozy Earth lineup.

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That's J-O-I-N. Join deleteme.com slash Deloney. All right, let's roll out to Kansas City, Missouri, one of my favorite places in the United States, and talk to Adriana. Hey, Adriana, what's up? Hey, what's up? How we doing? We're doing all right. What's up? How can I help?

So, my question was, how could I help my husband set boundaries with his mother? That's one of my favorite questions anyone's ever asked. This is going to be the shortest call ever. Ready? You can't. Ta-da! Yeah, I know. Did you marry a mama's boy?

No, no, not at all. I think it's more of a... I think there's some underlying issues. Not with him. My husband's great. And he cares a lot about... Or he worries a lot about his mother's mental health. Ah, okay. Okay. And considering that his other siblings completely exclude her and dismiss her, he kind of feels like he's the only son that...

She has left. So I think that worries him and he doesn't, I think he fears her going to an extreme because she has been very extreme in the past. Is he worried about her hurting herself or taking her life?

Yeah, because there's been stuff like that that's happened in the past where if she doesn't get her way, then she'll go to the bathroom and take all her pills and say, I just try to kill myself. And then their Thanksgiving is at the hospital. Yeah. So, yeah. So, man, those are really, really tough. Yeah.

Why now? Why is this call coming up now? So he warned me before we even got married. When I first met his parents, he was like, I'm just warning you. My mom, you know, he said that she's had trauma in her past. And, you know, she kind of has the mental capacity of a 12-year-old girl. And I was like, okay, that's fine. And when I met her, I was like, yeah.

He's being very generous. I do not think she has the mental capacity of a 12 year old girl. I think it's way lower than that. But the thing that for me broke the camel's back was naming. We're having a baby in April and it's going to be a girl. And he was really nervous about like if we don't name her after his mother, his mother is going to be very upset.

Oh, Lord. On a stick? Yeah. Oh, geez. Because I know this is a month out, but during Christmas and Christmas shopping, he wanted to get his parents' grandma and grandpa shirts. And I couldn't find some shirts in her size. So I found her a grandma shirt and I found her father a grandpa shirt. But his grandpa shirt said, you know, best dad promotes grandpa.

And I couldn't find that in her size for grandma. So I just got her like a flowery one. He's like, we can't give one a promotion and the other one just grandma. Like she's going to be very upset if she's not promoted to grandma. I'm like, okay. Where is his dad in all of this? His dad...

is very protective of his mother. Where, like he said, that growing up, if his mother went into these rages, his dad would kind of like pull her into a room and like push the dresser in front of the door so that she wouldn't act that way in front of the children. But he's trying

He tries to kind of keep an eye on her. Again, it's very much like a child where... Yeah. To the point where he has to remind her to go to the bathroom. He has to... Like, if something, like... If she leaves, he's, like, constantly kind of figuring out where she's at. If she's, like...

Like, for example, we're at a hotel lobby and some kids were playing and he knocked a sign over. He said, oh, my gosh, is that OK? That was just some kids like he thought it was his wife like doing that. Yeah, it sounds like there's a really messy, messy, messy dynamic there. Yeah. I guess at the end of the day, the conversation you need to have with your husband is I need you husband.

to care about the well-being and safety of me and your child at least as much, if not more than your own mother. Yeah. And by prioritizing us second and third, that's not a dynamic that you agreed to when you said till death do us part. You haven't leaved and cleaved.

And this is different than supporting parents. I get that all the time. Like, hey, my mom needs help with the nursing home and finances and things are tight. I have a totally different approach to that because I do think there's honoring. I do think you help your parents when you can. This is different. This is... I think... Tell me if I'm wrong. I think you're being very generous. I think there's safety challenges. Yes. Yeah. And so I get that she...

Let me say it this way. If mom went off and did something permanent, if mom went off and hurt herself because you don't name your child after her, that does not rest at your feet. That is a decision 30, 40, 50, 60 years in the making. Yeah. And I absolutely would challenge her husband for having taken on the care. If he has a toddler at home masquerading as his wife that needs professional care and he doesn't do it, and then he asks –

either explicitly or implicitly for your son to manage her life. It's just not, that's not right. It's unethical. Yeah. Right. And so at the end of the day, your husband's going to learn one way or another that his pseudo control over everything is a vapor. It's not real.

Yeah. And the quicker he can set it down on his own versus something happening and him having to go through this, I should have, the better off everybody's going to be. If I was him, I would start off the conversation with my dad. Dad, you've done an amazing job honoring your wife, even as it's been hard your entire life. But I'm starting my own family now. I want to honor my wife. I want to honor my kid in the same way. And you and I both know that mom...

goes to like, like irrational or unwell extremes when she doesn't get her way. And I'm going to need your help because as for me and my house, we're going to do things differently. And that's a big boy grownup conversation. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. But listen, if he won't do that, if he won't have that conversation, your husband, you need to know it's not about your mom or your mother-in-law. It's about y'all too.

Yeah. And there has to be a conversation that he must honor his wife and his kid. And that means keeping everybody safe. Yeah. Right? That means honoring your opinion over things like names and Christmas plans and sweatshirts over his mom's either temper tantrum or it sounds like just psychological capacity challenge. This isn't like a temper tantrum as much as it sounds like true psychological capacity.

Yeah.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. I know that I think he tries to compromise with, um, like for me, like I, you know, I, I don't have the best, the best relationship is better, but best relationship with my personal parents. But that's because it was like 15 years of therapy, you know, trying to make it work. And I was like, I'm not doing this again with your parents. Exactly. But, but more so than that, here's what you're, you're seeing.

You're seeing yet another husband and wife not on the same page. And my guess is 15 years of therapy for you was unwinding dynamics you saw in your own house. And then right out of the gate, you have your kid or you get pregnant. And oh my gosh, this stuff is starting again because then you're going to have to start protecting that kid. And it's going to be at the expense of your husband, which is really divisive for a house. And then your body will start sounding the alarms because that's kind of the world you probably grew up in, something like that, right?

Yeah, it's kind of, you know, except it was my dad and not my mom. But yeah, absolutely. Slap it, flip it, reverse it. But it ends up, the same script plays over and over until somebody stands up and says, I'm done. Yeah. But I think the question for you, I mean, the conversation for you begins with, I need you to honor me and our future child as number one.

Yeah. And then we're going to go to... And he gets to mourn it. He gets to grieve it. Nobody wants to always be worried that their mom's going to do something wild. Nobody wants that. You know what I mean? In his head, he wants to be able to call his parents and be like, you're grandparents. We're having a baby. And not worry about...

Mom going in the bathroom and taking all her pills because of the name or the middle name or the sweatshirt size. You know what I mean? Like, I feel for him deeply. Yeah. But that doesn't lessen his responsibility to you and y'all's new family.

Yeah, absolutely. And I think that he tries to, um, again, he, he's the peace, uh, it's not a peacemaker, peacekeeper. That's right. Yeah. Yeah. And his family where his siblings have all just kind of dismissed her and their whole family and stuff. So he kind of feels like he's the only one and we're the only one having kids. Um,

This is their first grandchild. This is my parents' 12th. So it makes it even more important for your husband to sit down with his dad.

He needs to have that conversation at that level. And if his father can't have that conversation, a knowing, honest, open, connected conversation. Here's a lesser version. I think I may have mentioned this. I leave next week to go see my parents. My parents are in their 70s. And I sent my dad a message and said, hey, I want you and me, I want us to go out. I want to hear what your picture is, what your dream is for the last 20 years of your life.

Last 10, 15, 20 years. What do you want that to look like? And how can I love you through it? How can I, can I help you with that? Can I support you through that? What do you want that to look like? Some dads won't have that conversation with their kids. I'm grateful. I'm lucky that my dad will. It's not going to be a fun conversation. It could be, it could be exciting, but man, you're talking about like, how are we going to land the plane? And that's a real big switch, right? And so I think there comes a moment when every man needs to sit down with his father and

When every daughter needs to sit down with her mom and vice versa, when every mom needs to sit down with her son and vice versa, but there comes moments in our lives we have to sit down and have hard conversations. And they're not pleasant and they're not exciting, but it's what adults do. And your husband married you and he made a human with you. So his role as peacekeeper is over. His role as husband and father is over.

is now in full effect. And husband and father cannot coexist with peacekeeper, making sure everybody's happy because that means often wife and child need to be quiet. They need to shut their mouth. Hey, we just got to go do this thing and everybody relax. Can't do that. Can't do that. Thanks for the call, sister. Your bravery to ask this question is going to help a whole bunch of people because I know this is an extreme example, but I know that millions of people are going through this.

And if your husband wants to give me a call, have him give me a shout because I know this is hard for him too. But it's time. It's time. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors. But to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important when you're trying to find a lasting relationship.

what's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you

But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values? What is important to me? And in a relationship, how will I show up and honor myself and love my partner? Let's forget all of those flags and instead ask the question, how can I learn to know what I even value?

Therapy can help you figure out what you value, learn what you're looking for in relationships, and then help you decide your boundaries and your non-negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra money.

So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, give it a shot with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama and talk to Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike. What's up, Mike? How are you doing, Dr. John? Good morning. I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

Doing well, doing well. Just got done finishing up some work and happy to be talking to you right now. Outstanding. I am at work, otherwise known as a scam YouTube show. It's kind of cool.

I'm sure you were doing some realer work than I'm doing right now, but it's great to talk to you, brother. What's up? Not as much as you might think, but I got you. But I have a little bit of ADD, so I tend to ramble when I'm on calls like this. So I'm just going to read my question straight up. I got it right here in front of me, and I'll add a little bit more details near the end. Perfect. Go for it. So I am married with two kids, and my wife and I are both currently working from home while our kids are at daycare.

I go to the gym to work out 45 minutes to an hour, two to three times per week on my lunch breaks.

Recently, my wife has been telling me that I prioritize my workouts over her and that I need to change my priorities. I try to plan when I can work out with her versus when to do other things she wants me to do. But if I tell her I am planning to go work out, she will call me with something she wants me to do at that time. They expect me to drop my plan to work out for the day and will get angry whenever I don't.

Staying active and fit is an important part of my lifestyle, even though I don't agree that it is my top priority. I feel that I am being reasonable whenever I try to plan my workouts and inform her what I'm doing and going to do, and don't feel that she respects my boundaries when I set those plans. Am I the problem here?

And add a little bit more on top of that and to give her as much voice as possible since she's not on the phone. My wife is currently in the process of studying for step one of her medical board exams on top of being a working full time and being a mom of a one and a three year old. So I don't want this to come off as she's being lazy and saying that, oh, you're not doing enough for me. She's

going through a lot right now. So it is understandable that she would want me to do more at this point. So I guess my question is, am I the problem or does she need to respect my boundaries or is it a combination of both? I mean, my first impulse is, I can only imagine there's millions of women on this call wishing with all of their guts that their husband would prioritize their health and fitness like that. That tells me that

This exercise can't be the issue. So back out 30,000 feet with me. Where else is she frustrated with you these days?

Ooh. Okay. Okay. So like I said at the beginning, I have ADD, so I have a tendency to forget things whenever I'm, whenever I'm working at home. Just go off. I don't care about ADD. I got it too. You and I both got to, we have to, we have to, we have to overcome. Okay. Just right off the top of your head. Where are other places where she's been frustrated with you lately? Just, just taking care of the home a little bit more. Tell me about that.

So, like I said, we both work from home. That's only been a recent thing over the last five or six months. So whenever I was working at a clinic, I'm a physical therapist and a health coach. I was able to focus entirely on my work. I get very zoned in on my work whenever I'm doing it.

And also my lunch break was kind of my time. So then I wouldn't go to the gym. I would use the suspension trainers and the lunch in an area in my gym. So for the longest time, I was able to just focus on my work and do my workouts whenever I was on my lunch break.

Now being at home, I feel like there's kind of this expectation that not only am I going to do those two things, but I'm going to take care of the home a little bit more and that things are going to be taken care of more whenever she gets home or is done with her studying. Is there a possibility that, because you've mentioned it several times on this call already, is there a possibility that she gets home and sees how diligent and on top of your planning is?

around exercise, your routine, when you're going to the gym, how you communicate it, how great that is, but how the significant disparity between how you plan and operationalize and strategize that and the dishes and the kids' stuff and the laundry. And if I'm her, I'm wondering, my God, why won't you plan and operationalize diapers and stuff? And my guess is you go, oh, it's just my ADD. And she...

And as studying for her MCAT is looking at you going, yeah, your ADD doesn't matter when you're pretty lasered in when it comes to your exercise routine and your time. Why can't you be as focused on making this house? Am I onto something there?

You are hitting it right on the dot. She has said pretty close to that many times. Okay, so this has nothing to do with your exercise. This has to do with your wife looking at a whole list of things that need to be done, and she's going to med school. She knows that you need to exercise. She married a personal trainer, for God's sake. She knows exercise is important to you. That's great. But this conversation is not about workouts at lunch. The conversation is about you on Mondays or Sunday nights sit down and say, hey, I'm working out on these three days.

And she knows you've planned chest and back and you've planned bro splits, whatever workout you're doing. Mm-hmm. But our kids crap 14 times a day. We've got a one-year-old and you can't even plan. See what I'm saying? Yes, sir. I just don't think it has anything to do with working out. I think it has to do with her looking at you and saying, man, I wish me and the kids meant that much. Mm-hmm.

So let me ask you, as an ADD guy, why does that stuff fall down your priority list? Let me think about that a sec. Or let me say it this way. You get something, your body gets something by not planning that stuff. What are you getting? Yes.

I guess probably what it comes down to is just focus. Nope. Focus in on those other things. Think about something deeper than that. Can I propose something just to save us time? Can I propose something? And I want you to be honest with me and tell me if I'm way off, okay? Yes, sir. And I am co-opting your story with a little bit of my own, okay? So that's just my bias. Just know that coming out. Yes, sir.

You're a personal trainer. Did you go to grad school? Well, I'm a physical therapist. Physical therapist. Okay, so you did. You did go to grad school. Okay. Yes, sir. So you know a lot about how to heal people, don't you? Yes, sir. And people come to you when they're in pain, and you say, you look at them, and you make them feel still and at peace, and you say, you follow my plan, and you're going to be okay. Yes, sir. Okay. There is some, for somebody whose mind is scattered, right?

Often, on the other side of ADD is an extraordinary ability for compassion, especially in a moment. My guess is your patients love you, don't they? Yes, sir. They love you. And I think it's the superpower of ADHD. For some reason, it allows people to laser on somebody and people feel seen and heard for the first time. I also want to bet that when you had kid number one, then you had kid number two right after that.

You didn't know what was going on in your own house. You didn't know how diapers work. You didn't know how to wipe the right direction. You didn't know how to warm up bottles or how long they took or how long pumping took or how tired your wife actually was. You didn't know any of that stuff. Is that fair? Yeah, that's fair. And so it's real easy for your house to start to feel like a failure factory. Mm-hmm.

And you're a guy that went to graduate school. You help people for a living, and there's something incredibly shame-inducing. You don't even feel like you can help your own kids. Yeah. You don't even feel like you can help your own wife because she looks at you like, how do you not know that? And it's like, I don't know any of what's happening right here. She has used that exact phrase many times before, and it is one of the most irritating things. Right, right.

And in the same way, it never, I never even entered my mind that a newborn poops 14 times a day. It didn't even get in my head. It also didn't enter my wife's mind that most people don't let teenage boys around their infants. And most teenage boys are, it's beat into our head. Do not Google infant stuff, right?

Yes, sir. And so you get this weird moment where I need some help. I don't know how to help. I don't know what to do. But one thing you do know how to do is stay fit. One thing you do know how to do is double down on your clients. So most men, when they feel like their home is a failure factory, they double down on the only thing they have left to do to contribute, which is work. And sometimes they add a second thing and it's aesthetic. Tell me if I'm wrong. No, you're not wrong. You're not wrong.

So here's the path is underneath all of this is I think you and your wife have to do – and let me tell you, dude, this could be the funnest, most amazing thing for your marriage. The marriage y'all had before you had two kids is over. It's over. The marriage you're about to have as she goes to med school will change monthly if not semesterly, if not annually. Mm-hmm.

Building a new marriage can be the single funnest most incredible adventure two people can go on forever Like what do you want sexually? What do you want? Support wise what do you want sleep wise? What do you want exercise wise? How can we both love each other in this new marriage? It's all new We've never been married and had a three-year-old and a one-year-old And so it takes intentionality and y'all backing out and it's going to start with you and I think you

Hold your wife's hands across the table and say, I need to tell you, I haven't known what to do and I'm sorry. I've been scared. I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to make my own son stop crying. I don't know how to tell you. I don't know how to. I'm uncomfortable changing my daughter's diaper. And I know it sounds weird. I'm just uncomfortable with it or whatever things are going on in your mind. And then ask your wife compassionately, will you teach me? And I know it's not sexy. I know it's not whatever, but will you teach me?

And then you have to step up and I don't care about whatever diagnosis you think you got. You got to step up and say, I made human beings. I got a wife going to med school for the next seven years. I'm going to step up and I am going to take this as seriously as I take helping somebody with a recovery from knee surgery.

I'm going to learn this stuff. I'm going to take a class. I'm going to get online. I'm going to get Dr. Becky Kennedy's parenting class. I'm going to get on it, man. I'm going to learn how to do this stuff. And with competency for the ADHD mind, with competency comes laser-like focus, right? Yes, sir. Is this all ringing true? Is it fair? It is. It is fair from what I'm hearing.

But I think it starts with you saying, just internalizing, this has nothing to do with your workout program, man. This has to do with your wife feeling like the squat rack that is your household is on her shoulders alone, and it's getting heavier and heavier and heavier.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. And what adds on top of that is she's the one bringing in the primary income. She makes about twice what I am, so I can see how that would... Is this the season to have a stay-at-home job where you're trying to launch a coaching business, an online coaching business off?

Well, it's not my own business. I work for the VA here in Birmingham. So it's a continuation of the job that I had. It's just from home rather than at the office. Okay. Okay. So here's a deeper, harder question that I don't want you to launch out with. But as you sit down and say, hey, I want to rebuild our marriage and I want to start

With foundation cornerstone brick number one by telling you I'm sorry. I haven't known what to do and I've just doubled down on exercise and making money and trying. And you're going to get a new level of focus and learning from me. But I'm going to ask you to teach me and walk alongside me because I don't know this stuff. And I know people listening to this are like, that's not an excuse. It is an excuse. People just don't know what they don't know what they don't know. Yeah.

On the other side, once y'all get into this conversation, and hopefully there's going to be tears, there's going to be shoulders dropped, there's going to be a level of honesty that y'all haven't had in a while. I want you to ask her if she will create a roadmap to respect. Because what I'm hearing underneath everything is she's losing respect in you. I make more money than him. I'm more educated than him. I take care of more crap around this house than him. And that's a recipe for division.

And I want you to give her a safe, welcome space to say, I need you to make more money while I'm in med school. And you say, okay, we're going to figure this out. Or I need you to be more present around the house. Done. We're going to figure that out. Does that make sense? Because you feel that, don't you? I do. Heavily. And the only way you and I and many, many, many men know how to get respect is to go exercise or try to scroll the internet for ways to increase our income. Yes, sir.

Is that fair? Yes, it's very fair right now. All right. So listen, two things. Number one, you're not broken. What you're experiencing, what your home is experiencing is so, so common with a three-year-old and a one-year-old. It's common with a six-year-old and a two-year-old. It's common with two kids and one person's just been churning and churning and the other person is spinning and spinning. Y'all are just going in different directions. These clear the deck conversations, shake the etch-a-sketch, like clear the deck. We get to build a new marriage.

We're going to start from the floor up. And often these conversations start with, I'm sorry. They never start with, you didn't. They never start that. They start with, I'm sorry. Or I'm going to change. I'm going to stop using the words ADD in my house. It's not an excuse. It's a context. It's not an excuse.

And I'm going to learn so much about parenting that I will become a laser beam in this house. I'm going to learn so much about you, my wife, how much I love you. I'm going to become a laser beam in this house. I'm going to learn so much about what it's like to go to med school. And I will be the greatest support you ever had because every day I'm going to ask you, how can I love you today? How can I love you this week? And now you're talking about an entire transformation. You're going to get something your body hasn't had probably in a long, long time. That's peace, brother. It's peace. Thanks for the call, man.

We'll be right back. Okay, good folks. It's February, the coldest and the shortest month of the year. And although it can seem like the longest month sometimes, it's not.

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HelixSleep.com slash Diloni. Because with Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. All right, so by the way, for those of you at home or out in the lobby here, this is the third time we've tried to do this outro. I'm not great at this. All right, so Kelly's out with strep throat or a bad hangover. It depends on, I don't know.

And so I decided that the best way we could end today's show is, since she's not here, is we'll just go around the booth and say everybody's favorite thing about Kelly. Ben, what do you think, man? I think she has the most tasteful tattoos. I mean, just her tattoo game is really insane. It's on point. Just really classy. She goes to some really good people here in Nashville. And hashtag, she's also good with the body makeup that she wears. Yes. The cover up. She won't own her own.

That's more impressive. It is more impressive. I agree with that. I agree with that. All right, Taylor? I can't do a fake what I love about Kelly. I'm sorry. Do a real one. That wasn't fake. A real one. I love that she tells me to stop saying sorry. She keeps me accountable on just doing what I'm doing and not apologizing for things I shouldn't. That's right, America. Kelly doesn't believe in the apology.

She has never said the words, I'm sorry. Those words have never come out of her mouth. And so I'm glad she's passing that along to the next generation of producers. That's leadership. That's leadership, America. Nate Dogg, what do you think?

I love how Kelly always skirts the line of saying what is almost too inappropriate in the moment all the time. It kind of warms my heart, to be honest. And I also love how she's the biggest Eagles fan out there that I've ever met. Yeah, kind of obsessive. She has that big, like, eagle across her whole back. Just...

Yeah, the big eagle tat. The big eagle tat. And she has DH on her inner elbow for Don Henley. She just loves the Eagles. Loves them. Oh, no. I'm talking about the Philadelphia Eagles. Oh, the Philadelphia. I thought you meant the band Eagles. No. Well, there goes that joke. Wow. That's why we don't let you talk very much, Nate Dogg. Sure made that weird. My favorite thing about Kelly is, hey, it's all the time we got for today. Thank y'all so much for being with us. Make good choices. Be kind to everybody. Love you guys. Bye. Bye.