My Husband Says He Needs Sex Everyday (I’m Exhausted)
01:09:01 Share

How can my husband and I resolve our conflict over sex frequency with our busy life? We were arguing about this issue, right? And my husband was like, just call Dr. John. He has to grow. I'm not going to swear on the show. He's got to grow up. What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking calls from real people from all over the planet.

We're trying to figure out what's the next right move in their relationships and their mental and emotional health with their kids, with their marriages, wherever people find themselves. That's what this show is about. For two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people. I've got two PhDs. I've been doing this academically. And more importantly, I've been doing it with real people.

for years and years and years. People who I think mostly are trying to do the best they can with the tools they got, and they have found themselves in a messy, messy situation. And they just want to know, hey, will you listen? Will you sit with me? Will you help me figure out what to do next? That's what this show is all about. If you want to join me on the show, I'd love to have you 1-844-693-3291. If you want to call and leave a voice message and the

Kelly and her overlords will go through the calls and that's actually Kelly and Taylor. I just, I don't know.

Y'all sound like overlords, but call into the show, leave a message and they will give you a buzz back if they want to have you on the show or go to John Deloney.com slash ask. And yes, we do take calls from all over the planet, all kinds of different countries, people writing in and calling in and being on the show. I'd love to have all of you. So thank you so, so, so, so, so much. All right, let's go out to my hometown H town and talk to B R double E. What's up Bree?

Hi, John. How are you? I'm a mess this morning. How are you? I'm doing all right. I'm doing all right. So I'm feeling a little nervous, honestly. I didn't think I would feel that way. I hear that a lot from people in real life. So I think it's just, I think I'm a bit of a...

a chaotic ball of chaos and it makes people feel like, ah, so sorry about that. It's me. No, I think it's both of us. Um, all right, good. It's all you. It's all you, Brie. What's up? How can I help? I'll take it. So my question is, um, how can my husband and I resolve our conflict over sex frequency with our busy lives? Um,

Tell me about your busy life. Okay. So I have a two and a three-year-old. You don't have a busy life. You have a bomb that went off in your living room. A constant bomb, a constant bomb. I mean, it's a, it's a beautiful bomb, but. But it's still a bomb. It's still a bomb. And obviously we're. Three and a two-year-old. Do you work?

Yes, I'm a first grade teacher. Oh, God almighty. Wow. That's a lot of little humans in your life, isn't it?

It's a lot of little people, yeah. And it's wonderful. And my husband's wonderful. So it's not necessarily a, quote, relationship issue necessarily. It's just a time and I guess like a time management thing. And I'm overwhelmed, touched out, upset.

feelings out. I don't even know how to express it. And I want my husband, but there's moments that I don't want anything, if that makes any sense. Hey, Bri, do me a huge favor. Will you stop apologizing for reality? There's not something wrong with you. Yeah. There's just not.

Like for real, like you, you, I can tell by the questions you're asking and the way you're phrasing these statements that you are trying to get to the root of how you have screwed this whole thing up. Yeah. And you do, I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but you do have a relationship issue, probably a pretty significant one. Tell me, tell me about the sex conflict. Yeah.

Well, we listen to you a lot. So to be perfectly frank, so this, me even calling into you, it all stemmed from, we were arguing about this issue, right? And my husband was like, just call Dr. John. And I didn't, he was joking, right? And I, so what I did is what I called you, right? Yeah.

And I told him, I said, hey, I'm going to talk to Dr. John. He's like, are you serious? I'm like, yes, I am. And so here we are. Here we are. Here we are, yeah. And so...

We've tried the whole scheduling it out, and he doesn't like that because it feels inorganic and it's not sexy or anything, right? He feels guilty when he tries to initiate it because he knows that I'm tired or that he doesn't want to get rejected, okay?

There's times that maybe I want sex, but I don't want it to be a wham, bam, thank you, ma'am type of situation. I want love, you know? Yeah, totally. But then there's also times where I'm like, hey, it's got to be quick. I'm tired because I want to please him.

So we can't come to this solution. I mean, the poor man, I mean, he wants it every day. And I tell him, like, in this season that we're in, I don't have the capacity to give that. Yeah. And I feel wrong for saying that. You got to let that go. Because, I mean, so sex is the gas gauge here. It's not the problem.

This isn't about like about sexual appetite or the the phrase I don't like sex drive like a mismatched sex drive That's not the challenge here. Okay um Yes, it it practically speaking it is but there's some root issues here that we got to get to the to the Get to otherwise it's gonna you're gonna keep having all these Wars out on the fringes and not ever get to the actual solution um

Here's a couple of just high-level things, and I'm going to speak in broad generalities. This may not apply to you too, but I'm willing to bet it does. But I know this doesn't apply to every couple, okay? Often, men find the status of their relationship, the barometer of how we're doing, to be vulnerable, to be close, to speak socially, to say, here's how I feel, here's what I want, here's me. That'll get a man killed in the workplace, okay?

And so the whole game for men is to shut your mouth and just go do your work. And the only way they can feel connection is shoulder to shoulder doing a hard thing or sex. It has to be physical, has to be with your body. And then conversely, for all of human history, sex could get a woman pregnant, which might get her killed, right? Because the birth rates or the death in childbirth was so high for so many millions of years. Yeah.

And so there's this built-in, I have to know you're okay before literally I let you in my body. And you see there just becomes a dance. Then you throw two kids on there. And the reality that is two kids, which is they take up a lot of caretaking. Like you said, your body's a human jungle gym right now, right? And there's only so much diarrhea and throw up and oh my gosh, and parent emails and administrative emails and then get home and your own kids are maniacs and they have meals and snacks and...

That when you know that this guy in my house has a need, it just gets put on a chore sheet. Yeah. Right? And when he says, I need this, it gets put on a chore sheet. But below all of that, he's asking his wife in his new role, hey, I'm not the center of your world anymore. Do you still love me? Am I still here? And you are saying, hey, man, I have a lot of jobs every day. I want to be wanted.

I want to be seen and known and loved all the way. Meaning some days you just got to go to bed. And then some days, yes, dude, I just want to disappear into like an erotic evening. And yes, if you're just using me to get off so you can go to sleep, I don't want to be a part of that. Do you get what I'm saying? There's a deeper thing here. And I don't think y'all have reconciled the fact that your old marriage is so totally over. And that can be an awesome thing.

But you have to do the work of saying, okay, what is it now? I don't hear a guy asking for tons and tons of sex. I hear a guy asking, do you still love me? Well, yeah. I mean, even just yesterday, you know, while I'm making dinner, he just looks at me and he tells me, you know, I miss you. That's it. You know, it's... That's it. It's... And then it's the mom guilt of like, okay, yeah, I miss you too, but...

I only have this part of my kids for so long and then they grow up, you know? Well, and that's scarcity thinking. It's real, but it's also scarcity thinking. But again, you've got two people tugging at two different ends of the spectrum here. And sex just becomes the gas gauge for whether we're succeeding or not. And so the deeper question is,

How can he find some sort of security? Let me say it this way. It's like y'all are at the beach in Galveston there, an hour from Houston, and the water's three feet deep, and he thinks he's drowning. And he's just screaming at you, throw me a raft, throw me a raft, throw me a raft. And you're like, dude, I don't have enough arms and legs. And really, it's like, dude, just stand up. She loves you. It just looks different now. And by the way, she still wants you. It just looks different now.

And how do I say that? How do you, how do you, well, it takes both of you, um, having a pretty high level of emotional intelligence and being able to say in this three month span, because by the way, a three year old and a two year old, they change so much. Your marriage changes every three to six months when they're that young, right? You're about to cross a magic threshold where both of your kids can go to the bathroom by themselves.

Oh yeah, one of them has already and it's great. You'll feel like you got half your life back. And then just wait in a year and a half. Maybe not with a two-year-old. Two years from now, they'll both be able to go to bed.

They'll be able to get in the shower themselves. Can you imagine? Right? Foreign concept. Exactly. And so it's all about it's winter right now. And so you've got to wear coats. And he's over there going, well, I know she wants me when she dresses sexy. And you're like, yeah, it's freezing right now. I've got to put a coat on.

And then you feel guilty and then he feels rejected. So here's a couple of big pictures. Big picture rocks. Number one, he has to grow. I'm not going to swear on this show. He's got to grow up. You saying I'm exhausted is not some sort of existential rejection. Because I know that he reaches out to his buddies to play golf or go fishing or whatever. And they go, hey, I can't this weekend. And he doesn't sit in his house and go, what's happening to our friendship? Why don't they like? He doesn't do that.

And so he can choose to believe you when you say, dude, I love you so much. I'm out of gas. And then he can go, okay, cool. How do I then honor and love my wife tonight? Can I add something? And maybe you can help me there. Absolutely. He, he doesn't have friends. And so you are holding his, the entirety of his universe and you can't carry that. No one can. Yeah. No one can. He doesn't have family. Yeah.

Then he's got work to do to go make friends. He's got work to do to go hang out. A buddy texted me yesterday and said, hey, I have an extra ticket to go. I live right by the comedy club here and Theo Vaughn's doing a pop-up show. Hey, you want to run over there and see Theo again? Sure. I'd love to run over there. It would be my wife's evening. Her singular evening would be easier if I stayed home that night. Her life will be better.

If I go catch up with you, if I go make you laugh and I go roll my eyes and I'm like, Ooh, that was, that was too far. Right. And then I come home after hanging out with my buddies for a night. You get what I'm saying? Like it's the work you have to do. It's so hard. Like being his age, or I guess you can say our age. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. How old are you? I'm 37. He's 45. Yeah. It's a nightmare.

So the question you'll have to ask yourself is what things other than intercourse, what things give him purpose inside his own home? And that's a question I'll always put back on new moms. Is your husband suddenly living in a failure factory where he doesn't know how the house works? And when he does try to wash the bottles, like you're not doing that right or the diaper has to go like this. And then I need this. If he has understood over the last three years, I don't know what I'm doing here.

then you get the implicit message or the explicit message. I don't, the best thing I can do for my family is to back up. And I'm not saying that's your family. I just hear that a lot. He's a freaking rock star at home. Like he, like he does, I have to tell him to not do, you know what I mean? Like I have to tell, I have to force him to sit down. Um, I, I don't know. Let me ask, let me ask another, a deeper question. What about you? Do you feel like you live in a failure factory?

Oh, man. Yeah, I guess so. Tell me about it. I don't know. I don't know. I mean, I guess I just... Just start vomiting for a second. Start rattling it off. Where do you think you're failing? I feel like I'm failing him because this seems to be such an important part of his universe. You know? I feel like...

There's not peace in my extended family and I feel like I'm the peacemaker for everywhere and I'm not able to make that happen. But that's a whole other can of worms. Yeah, but it's not. Because you trying to keep him happy is killing you. And he doesn't know how to reach out and save you. And so the only connection tool he has is more sex and more sex and more sex and more sex. And he doesn't have a group of guys to help carry his burdens, which every man needs a tribe.

And so you got to carry that too. And if you're like most women your age, you've been carrying your parents' crap, your brothers and sisters' crap, your cousin's junk for, I mean, for years, right? Yeah. There just gets to be a moment where it's too much. The strangest thing I can tell you is the greatest gift you could give him and your kids is for you to say out loud and begin to enact and practice with his support and love. What do you need to be well?

And when I, I don't, I don't do a good enough job on the show describing when I say your marriage is over, like who y'all once were no longer exists. And it can be fun to reminisce. It can be even nostalgic to think back to the times y'all could just make out whenever you wanted to. And you could get up on a table and dance and he could come home and be like, it's a, and it was like, those times were so fun and great.

And it's just different now. And there's still windows of time. There's still pockets of those things that emerge and fun. It's just different now. And so when I say rebuild your marriage, this is when you ask, do I still want to be a first grade teacher? Financially, can we do that? This is when you ask, how do I want to feel when I come in my house every day? Not what jobs need to be done, but how do I want to feel? And then let's reverse engineer that.

I remember one time I sent a group of employees over. We were doing service projects and a buddy of mine was having a kid and I sent the team over and we just annihilated his yard. We made it look perfect. And he was so grateful, but he said, dude, that's my one thing. Like that is when the house is chaotic, when I need some time just to think, I put on my headphones and I go mow for a couple of hours. And I was like, oh man, I took your thing, right? So maybe...

And this is going to sound counterintuitive. Maybe the greatest gift for you is 30 minutes just doing the dishes with headphones on. And your husband comes home and he's taking that from you. But I don't know you've ever stopped and said, what do I actually want? Yeah. Because when you ask that question, then you can give him a map to how do I love you? But I feel so guilty asking because he's already doing so much. I know, but you have to get over that. You can choose guilt or you can downstream choose resentment and you're going to start hating him. And that's not fair to him.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy, right? No. And so you have to say, here's what I want. And I'm telling you right now, he's going to, yes, he's going to have to grow up and put on his big boy undies and stop having his feelings hurt every time you can't meet every need of his. And also you're going to start telling the truth inside your own house. It's both and. And sex is just not going to be as often right now. You have a two and a three year old. It just is not. And,

If you have a particular kind of sex you would like to have, he's got to just flat get over the fact that the old marriage counseling trope is you can put on the calendar or you can not have it. That's your choices. That's it. And is it Hollywood? Nope. And Hollywood's a lie. It's all a lie.

It's testosterone and ozempic and makeup and lighting. It's not real. Yeah. Right? Somebody else writes the words that come out of their mouths. It's not real. And so you can have sex. You can have sex two, three, four times a week. We got to schedule it so that you can wrap your head around. I'm going to get to drop my shoulders and maybe I'll set up a thread like, hey, here's the kind of sex I'd like tonight.

Or he can be honest. Is it awful of me that like, you know, say it's scheduled, right? And I get home and I'm like, it's on the calendar or whatever. And then I get home. I'm like, you know what? I changed my mind. It was a really bad day.

Is that awful? No. No. No. It's the same as, hey, we put a date on the calendar and then one of you gets rocket diarrhea and we're not having the date. It doesn't make anybody an ass. The only person who's an ass here is the one who throws a temper tantrum like a child and doesn't see their spouse, either him or you, as a human being who's trying to hold it all together. But both of y'all are leading feelings first. And your kids, your marriage, both of you need...

To stop leading feelings first and to start doing the next right thing. And for you, that's telling the truth. And for him, it's asking, how can I love you today? Not, are we banging today? I hear you say that all the time. And I'm like, that's a good idea. And we've never done that. Try it for 30 days. Because here's the thing. I think deep down, A, it's awesome to have a 45-year-old husband that still desires you like mad. Is that fair? Oh my gosh, yes. And, hold on, and...

You can feel the desperation sometimes, can't you? And that's a guy hanging on. Do I still have a purpose here in this house now that there's two kids now that you're so busy? And I promise you, I'd be willing to bet money in his head. He's asking himself or has asked himself why you're grading papers or responding to parent emails at eight o'clock at night. Why does she love them more than me? Right? And everything becomes egocentric when you're drowning. Is that fair? Yeah.

Yeah. Can I tell you this? You're not failing. You're doing a really good job. Thank you. You don't believe me, do you? I'm trying to convince myself. No, don't do that. Don't try to convince yourself because you'll go mad. I want you to do this. I want you to write down today. Will you do this one homework assignment for me? I want you to write down 10 things that you are really good at.

As a wife, as a mom, as a teacher. Okay. And I want you to exhale on them and drop your shoulders and look at them. And then I want you to write out five or 10 things that you think you're not good at. And then tonight, and probably one of the most intimate exchanges y'all have had since your kids were born, I want you to read both of those to him. And I want you to ask him to write the same things. 10 things he's good at a husband, 10 things he's not good at a husband. Okay. And I want y'all together to challenge those negative stories. And that's the way you can lift each other up instead of just piling more dirt on each other.

Okay. And from there, you got to commit to asking each other for the next 60 days, how can I love you today? And it might be, he says, you got to put the computer away and you're going to have to exhale and say, okay, I'm going to have to respond to those parent emails tomorrow. Or he might say, it's time to get a nanny. Or you might say, I don't want to teach anymore. Or you might say, I want to put these kids in daycare and I know I'm going to feel guilty or I want to stay at home and I know I'm going to feel guilty and I'm going to feel guilty. Then I'm going to go do the next right thing for me and for my husband and for my family.

Because I've been feeling guilty my whole freaking life. I'm tired of it. I'm going to set guilt down. Unless it's called for, of course. And then husband, listen, man, the fact that you are trying to honor your wife and you're doing so much, she tells you to stop. Kudos to you, brother. Kudos to you. For the husbands out there who have no other connectivity other than sex to say, I'm still alive. I'm still a person. I still have excitement. I still have value.

The work you have to do is not to outsource that to other women and say that's nonsense. But you have to find purpose in your home outside of sex. You have to find purpose in your marriage outside of just release. You've got to find friends to go hang out with and have a beer with or laugh with or exercise with or go fishing with or something. And it sucks in your mid-40s. I'm there. I know. And you've got to do it anyway because neither of you can bear the weight of each other's entire world.

Thanks for the call, Bree. And for everybody out there, sex on the calendar is still sex. You can put it on the calendar or you can not have it. We'll be right back.

All right, let's talk about Delete.me, my go-to provider for online safety, security, and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all live on the internets these days, and I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter what I wish. It's just happening. Everything in my life and everything in your life takes place over the internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications, we buy most of our things on the internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist.

And because so much of our lives exist there now, it's just become weirdly normal to just give away our email address to random strangers, just give away our cell phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell our information to other companies. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete.me. I looked at my reports from my friends at Delete.me

It's madness. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information, and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. DeleteMe has saved me countless hours, days even, by removing all of this nonsense for me, and they've sent detailed reports that show me exactly what they've removed and from where.

I want you to have this kind of peace too. We can't really avoid the internet, but we can help make our personal data personal again with Delete.me. Get protected with Delete.me today and get 20% off all Delete.me plans. This comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash Deloney to check them out. That's J-O-I-N, joindeleteme.com slash Deloney.

All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation.

Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called The Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus, and that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout The Way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Rumi of The Chosen, Chris Pratt, and Mark Wahlberg, and you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself.

Plus, you can check out Halo's Lent challenge for kids. It's called The Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Halo offers. Halo has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign up at halo.com slash Diloni, you'll get three months for free so you're covered all through Lent and beyond.

Go check out Halo at halo.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. Hey, if you love this show,

I'm taking it on the road and I'm bringing my friend. Actually, he's bringing me. Me and my friend Dave Ramsey are going on the road and we're taking our shows live. We're going to be doing question and answers, talking about money, relationships, everything in between. And it's going to be unfiltered and unapologetic. And dude, if you wonder what gets edited out of this show, it's a lot. The guy who edits is just nodding right there. Yeah.

There's going to be no filter on this one. So we're going to let it rip. And for those of you who don't know, I also co-host another show, The Ramsey Show. It's been in existence for 30 years, helping people get out of debt and get their finances squared away. We're bringing both of us. We're doing these shows. We're going to mix and match them together. We're doing the shows live, and I cannot wait. We're going to be in Louisville on April 21st, Durham April 23rd, Atlanta April 25th, Phoenix May 5th, Fort Worth May 7th, and Kansas City May 9th.

You're going to learn something. You're going to laugh, maybe a tear or two, and, dude, it's just going to be a great, great night. These shows live. Come check us out. And don't forget to subscribe and hit the Like button. For real, it makes a massive, massive difference. Let's go out to Van Horn, Texas, and talk to Corvin with a K. What's up, Corvin? Hey, John. Thanks for taking my call. You got it, homie. What's up? So my question here is...

How can I get my wife to contribute financially and see the importance of working together as a team in that regard? Oh, man. You're close to the edge, aren't you? I'm at it. You're at it. I'm ready. Yeah. Do me a huge favor. Yeah, I know. I'm listening. I know. Do me a huge favor. Take a huge deep breath and hold it. Three, two, exhale it out. And I want you to pull your shoulders all the way to the floor.

Okay. Okay. Exhale for a second. I can hear it, man. Tell me about the last few years. Yeah, it's, uh, it's been, it's been wild. I mean, we've been together for about six years now. And, um, the first five years, uh,

She didn't work, right? Mind you, she's fully capable. No limitations. She doesn't have any restrictions to be able to work. She's capable. And she's bright, too. She's pretty sharp. And around year two, I recognized that, you know,

We've got to work together financially. Part of our relationship is not just the commitment and the loyalty. I mean, finance is part of our livelihood. We've got to work together. So somewhere around year two, I told her, you've got to start working on something, whether you want to start a new career or start a new education process, something. And for the three or four years thereafter, it was just excuses as to why I couldn't, why I can't do it because of this, I can't do it because of that.

And about six months ago, I roughly just kind of threw in the towel just emotionally. I was like, you know what? I mean, I can't I can't argue with this about you anymore. I can't. I try to be nice. I try to be rude. I try to different ways. Like, hey, I'm going to change our phone plan to a more cheaper plan. And maybe you'll get the message that way. Just nothing. Nothing really processed through to her.

And so now our relationship, I mean, we don't argue anymore, which is a good thing, but I think it's... No, bro, you gave up. Yeah, you're out.

Yeah, I mean, our relationship is stale, very neutral. Yeah, what's beneath this, man? I remember the old football coach telling me, I was just getting yelled at and yelled at and yelled at and yelled at, and this is back in the day when football coaches could yell. They didn't have to hug everybody. And just letting me have it. And he caught a glimpse of my face, and he came real close, and he's a guy that I still hold in high, high respect. And he said, hey, it's when I stop getting on to you, because I see you can be better, that you can do more than you think you can,

It's when I quit staying on you. That's when you know I'm out. That's when you know I've given up on you. And I remember that like, okay, cool. And so I can hear you've given up and I can hear it. It's anger so close to the top. Are y'all broke? Are you struggling financially? No, we're doing okay. I mean, we're covering all of our bills. What's the deeper thing? I don't think this is about money. I think it's, is your house a mess? Is she just not doing anything? Let me ask you this way.

Is she a woman you no longer respect? I think it's getting there. I think you're there. I think so. I'm not hating on you. Yeah, that would be fair. If you have a person who just is no interest in building something with her husband, like no interest in building a life together, but who just puts the car in park and just sits in the driveway, I'm not hating on you. Mm-hmm.

I want you to hear the futility of what you've tried, the way you've tried to do it. Cause you do what most of us do. You went through the ends of the earth, all the tools in your toolkit. You've been trying, right? I have to do everything but the kitchen sink. Yeah. I don't do that. Cause you'll go to jail. So the bigger question is why has she, I guess she never even opted into this deal. Yeah. I mean, it's funny too. Cause when I was talking to her dad about a blessing for us to get married, he looked me right in the eyes and he says, you know, she needs a lot of support, right?

And I didn't, I mean, I understood what he meant to an extent, but I didn't know that he meant this. And for her, I think it's just always the expectation that somebody else is supposed to take care of my finances. And then, you know, it took me this many years to realize that she meant that, like you take care of it. And I just feel like I feel abandoned. Yeah. You know, but this, what else besides finances, where else is she, is she not?

With you? No, besides that, I mean, the place is clean. We're not struggling financially. I do well enough to take care of us. But the thing is, we're getting older. I mean, retirement's coming up. What are we going to do? Have you sat down as a math problem and said, here's what we need every month?

Yeah, I tried that. And she shuts down. She'll either start crying or she'll get frustrated and just be like, I can't have this conversation with you. That's a move. Yeah, that's a total move. She's working now, but she's almost 40 years old. And she makes, if I had to guess, because she won't really let me into her finances, but I had to guess, she probably makes $10,000 a year. And I'm looking at her like, you can do better than this. And here's the thing. You see value in her where she doesn't.

And that's the altruistic view, right? The spoiled brat view that her dad tried to pass along to you that he helped create is, hey, bro, she doesn't do nothing. Best of luck to you. Pretty much. Yeah. So the real question is this, man. You have to make a choice, not her. Your choice is, I'm in. This is who I'm married. I'm going to have to build a life.

working on Saturdays, side hustle. If I have a number that I think we need to hit for us to be safe in our older age, got 20, 25, 30 years of working left, I'm going to get on it and here's the number and we're going to go. And then you may decide that I'm going to make peace in my own house. The other side of it is, here's like a silly version of that, okay?

I would love for my wife to want to be front row at punk rock shows with me. I would love that. I've always wanted that. And a couple of times she came and she smiled and was like, oh my gosh, this is madness. And I would love that. I went and saw some buddies the other night. It was a blast, man. And she didn't come, but I also know who I married. And so I've chosen to not get my feelings hurt because it's not about me.

I've chosen to not sit there all day and meditate on, she won't go. I can't believe that. What does that mean about our relationship? She just doesn't like it. It's fine. And I don't like tons of country music shows except for Aaron Watson. Right. So other than that, like I have to make peace with that. I know that's not even close to the same ballpark of what you're dealing with, but it's the principle is the same. The other side of it is leave, leave, but you're, you are, you are drinking poison every day, hoping that it, that she gets sick and it's just not, it's,

Right. Right? She's been almost radically clear, this is who I am. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And so you can make peace with that. And if she was on the phone with me, I mean, you better believe I'd challenge the heck out of her, right? Yeah. But the whole, I just can't have this conversation now and shut down, that's nonsense. After six years of being together, that's a choice. That's a move to manipulate any sort of accountability or responsibility. Yeah. Yeah.

And by the way, you can't be her dad. And when you start telling her what to do and how to do it and when to do it, you become her father all over again.

Yeah, and it's just, you know, these golden opportunities. I mean, we're a little older now, but many moons ago, her dad was like, you know what, your education, just pick somewhere to go that you like and, you know, I'll fund it. And we got to get you prepared for the, you know, for the workplace. Yeah, but you realize how stupid that logic is?

Well, I mean, as far as just being trained on something. Yeah, I know, but I'm saying, like, if you want to prepare your kid for the real world, they have to have some skin in the game. That's like her dad saying, all right, here's the deal. I'm going to go in that weight room, and I'm going to work out really, really hard.

So that you can lift, like deal with life struggles when they come. It doesn't make any sense, right? I get it. I get his sentiment. I get what he's trying to do. And I also get, I'm dealing with it right now. I want to just give my kid, I have an old truck. I just want to give it to my son. I had to work so freaking hard for my thousand dollar car when I was a kid. My own law, I hated it. And I also know if I do this, I'm actually setting him up to fail.

Yeah. And that's what happened. He gave her everything. And now she's like, cool, you're up Corbin. You give me everything. Yeah. And that's the thing. When we got together, I kind of gave her the same thing. Like I'll take care of the bills. You just apply yourself somewhere. I don't really care where, just show me that even if it's something that doesn't make you money, but it, it, it's good for you. Like show me something, some kind of application.

That you're willing to put in the effort somewhere. And it's always just, I'm in first gear. I'll get there when I get there. You worry about it. And I just, it's, I got it. I don't know. I don't know. And that's why, that's why I don't think this is about money. I think this is about, I don't respect you as a person. No hobbies, no joys, no friends, no connectivity. Just like a great insight into the real housewives catalog.

Yeah. I mean, and the next thing you know, she's over there watching The Real Housewives of Weber. And I'm like, I think you see yourself in that show and it's not your life. I mean, I don't play for the NBA. Yeah. So I think you need to spend some time with you. And by the way, the fact that you said, I don't even know how much money she makes, that tells me your marriage has deeper cracks in it than just she doesn't make any money.

Y'all are living parallel lives. She is a roommate who lives in your house. Yeah. Or, to be gross about it, she's a teenage kid living in your house. And you come home from work and she hasn't done her homework, hasn't done anything. You're like, get up and do something. And they don't ever move.

Yeah. And then to be fair, I mean, she does plenty around the house. And so she takes care of herself. She's not a slob by any means. She's, you know, spends a lot of time in front of the mirror, but I could catch her on a Tuesday afternoon and I'm like, are you going to do something today? She said, it's my day off. And I'm like, you may X amount. You shouldn't have a day off. Where is this day off coming from? Yeah.

focus on something, please. And she's just like, nah, I can't. That's your job to worry about the finances. And I'm just like, you know. Yeah, here's the thing. I want you to spend some honest to goodness time with you. And you're in your head now and you're angry and that clouds it. And this might go against everything you've ever thought to do, but I want you to spend some time, even if it's just 30 minutes a day, 15 minutes a day for a couple of weeks. But I want you to be honest and actually write down what you're thinking.

Because I'm willing to bet this is not about finances. Ultimately, no. But as part of it, I think that's kind of the end result. That's an easy scorecard. It's an easy metric to look up and say, look, you're not even contributing. But I hear a guy who desperately wants his wife to enjoy being alive and she looks like she's dead in her own skin. And I don't know any man that doesn't want to marry somebody who's vibrant.

Or be married to somebody who actually likes being alive and has purpose and a sense of autonomy yet connectivity. But unfortunately, you can't do anything about that. You've tried for a long time. The only thing you can deal with is you. So you can make peace in your house. That's just how she rolls. I'm going to princess her up and I'm going to stop walking around all day being angry because it's just ruining my day.

or I'm going to have an or what conversation. This has to change or I'm out. We have to share a checking account. We have to share bills. We have to go to a marriage counselor and rebuild this thing from the floor up. And if she starts crying and says, I don't want that, I don't want to be put, then okay, I need you to be an adult and have an adult conversation here and quit diving out of the conversation. Yeah.

And I'll have it with a marriage counselor. If I'm, if I'm not saying it right, if I'm frustrating or whatever, if I scare you, then I'm going to, I don't want to do that. I'll have it with a marriage counselor, but we got to have this conversation because I want you participating in the lifeblood of this home. Yep. And I think that's what it is. You know, she was just, she knows that dad's going to be there for whatever, you know, if this whole thing falls apart, I don't know. It's like, that's fine for you. I know brother, but we'll see working together at this. And that to me is the thing.

You all got married. You got in the boat and you started heading off down the river and she never got in. She's never been in. She's like, no, no, no, no, no. Boat is for you. I'm going to sit on the side, on the bank of the river, and I'm going to do whatever I want to do. And if you don't want to keep doing that, that's fine. My dad's boat will be here in a little bit. That's a tough pill to swallow, man. When you look up six years later, three years later after being married, working as hard as you do and find out, oh, she never got in the boat to begin with.

I hate that for you, man. Yeah, it's, it's, I can hear it in your voice. It's about to become rage and it's about to become resentment. And at the end of the day, that just poisons you. So let's have some time. What do you actually want? Cause I think she could go get a job today and still it wouldn't, it wouldn't fix the hole in your heart. What do you actually want? And it sounds like you want her to get in the boat with you, ride or die. Let's go over the falls together and she won't, or you need to have that or what conversation.

Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, you've heard the rumors, and they are true. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. Listen, I'm talking about screens in our homes, screens in our offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs. All of these things can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I

I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day, and I love them. And here's why I think you're going to love them too. Studies show that red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. And it can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks.

My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, my EMF mat, and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them every single day. And I want you to check out Bond Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100% blackout sleep masks.

Go to bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. That's B-O-N-C-H-A-R-G-E, bondcharge.com slash DELONI and use coupon code DELONI to save 15%. Go check them out.

All right, we are back. Hit that subscribe button and the five-star reviews and tell the algorithms and the computer overlords. We love this show. Thank you. Let's go out to Sioux Falls, South Dakota and talk to Catherine. What's up, Catherine? Hey, John. How's it going? Dude, rocking on to the break of dawn. What are you up to? Just hanging out. Excellente. What's up?

So I, to preface, I'm 30. I'm married. I own a business and my husband also owns a business with me. And I am struggling to make friends with women who are in a similar situation as me. All right. Tell me something more interesting about you than you own a business. I really am into fitness and have been since I was 16. I got into lifting and I just, I love it. It's a huge part of my life. Tell me about it.

I guess one of the businesses we own is fitness related and I built up a lot of confidence from lifting at an early age. So it's kind of like been, I guess, a huge part of my identity. Tell me about your husband.

Um, he is also really into fitness, which is awesome. You know, that was kind of one of the things actually that we connected on when we first met. And, um, he's very ambitious, hard worker. He motivates me every day and takes really good care of me. I'm just really, really blessed to have him as a husband. Um, how much protein have you both had combined so far this morning? Uh, all of it. That's such a great answer.

We don't measure in grams. We measure in all of it. That's excellent. Yes. Awesome. More. So, dude, tell me about the nightmare of being 30 and trying to find friends.

Oh my gosh. It's impossible. I don't drink. So it's not like I'm going to meet, you know, Stacy at a bar and be best friends with her. Her mom has got it going on. All right. So what else does, um, I don't know, I guess I just, I'm looking, I have girlfriends. I mean, they're great, but there's not that like deep introspective conversation that I'm just dying for, you know? And why do you think something's wrong with you that you're not dying for that?

I guess. I don't know. What do you mean? Well, either you're recognizing, like, I'm not whole. There's some things I... There's places I want to go where I don't have to count macros and I just want to drop my shoulders and I don't want my goofball husband around who I love to the moon and back. I just want some girlfriends that I can just shoot the crap with. That you recognize that. Or...

you're reading a lot of self-help books and you're like, I've turned your life into a, a GCI, like, uh, glucose intake and proteins and macros and like sleep track. Like you've just optimized your life and you are looking at a check Mark being like, Oh, I need friends that I crave this with. I need that. Which one of it? Wow. It's one of them. One of them is a story and one of them is a, is a hole in your heart. Yeah. I think you nailed it. Which one? Um,

I mean, probably both. I guess I've always been very goal-oriented, so it's really... It's funny, I never thought I was looking at getting a friend as a checklist, but I do feel like, oh, this girl, I like her, but she only has this, this, and this. She does not have this. And maybe I can't really be friends with her because of that. I guess if that makes sense. Totally. And I would just tell you...

My two closest friends, actually one, two, three, four, five, my six closest friends on the planet do not exercise with any regularity at all. None. And they laugh at me because they're all fairly certain I'll be the first one to have a heart attack because I work out so much. And they're some of my closest best friends on the planet.

And over time what I've come to learn it when your kids and they self select you, even all the way through college, like they put you in groups by shared interests. I think as adults, you move into different levels of friendship through shared values. And I have grown to love the fact that I consider Ben here a great friend. We've done bands together. We've gone to see punk rock show together, but,

And he is the president of the Dungeons and Dragons Club or whatever. I don't know what they do. They talk about elves and ghosts and stuff. I've played Dungeons and Dragons approximately zero times in my life. Ever. Not one time. And I love that about him. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And so it's become this thing. Can I ask you a mean question? But I don't mean it to be mean. Just to mean it to be reflective. Yeah.

Many of my friends in the fitness, not the fitness industry, the like the true, honest, great people like the mind pump guys and Jordan side, not those guys, but what I would call the beefcakes right beneath them. The crush it and kill it guys. There tends to be a sense of look at all the work I've done. I'm kind of better than y'all. And it makes it hard to make friends because you're always sizing people up.

Or the books say you should be friends with people who are aspirational. So you're always looking at interactions as like friends or some sort of 401k. That if I'm friends with these five people, then I'll be better at fill in the blank. And I think that's a catastrophic way that we have optimized human interaction in a really disgusting way. Yeah, wow.

Friends should be a group of people that yes, hold you accountable and yes, iron sharpens iron. And it's a place where you can drop your shoulders and just tell that joke. That's super inappropriate, but it's kind of funny. Yeah, I guess. And I do do that. I, I do have fun with, you know, those friends and I do have those friends. I guess I just also would like to be friends with somebody who does have, you know, big goals and aspirations, but also that can be a goofball with. And do you not think your friends have goals and aspirations that are deep and profound? Are they just different than yours?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. One of my closest, closest friends is literally counting down the days to retirement. And we mock each other mercilessly. I have no interest in retiring. I would like to just be at work one day and then just be dead. I like work. I like showing up and doing stuff. And we're just different that way. But the fact that he has a plan and the fact that he deeply believes in it and he's working towards it, that's where we align.

And the destination just makes for great fodder for us giving each other a hard time. So do you have a friend who might be as dedicated to, as you are to working out and starting businesses, as dedicated to being the best freaking mom that's ever existed? Yeah. Or to helping change a local school or running a restaurant that's just top notch? You get what I'm saying? Yep. Yep.

I feel super humbled. I never thought that I was thinking about being better than people. But now that you say that, I just feel so horrible about it. Why? Why? Well, you never want to be thought of as like, oh, I'm actually kind of arrogant looking at this. But that's kind of what it is. It's like I knew I could always learn something from them and differ outside of what I value and my goals. But

Like you said, they're more than just a checklist. I wish more than anything in the world I could hold. I would not be as anxious about money as my friend Todd and John are. And the fact that I save the way I do and I scratch and claw the way I do doesn't make me better, even though I might have a spreadsheet that says this metric is above theirs. You know what they have that I don't? An ability to laugh so loud that room shakes.

an ability to be like, I'll have two more pieces of cheesecake and I'm going to feel terrible tomorrow. And I think, you know what I mean? I don't, I can't do that. And I, I long for that level of, and also I know that at least one of them, probably both of them would love to just be able to get up at five o'clock in the morning, go work out and then sit in a cold plunge for until their brains for like, they would love that. And so it's, it's about like, man, yeah, I, let me put it this way.

There will come a humbling moment, a reckoning. It's much better for everybody if you land that plane before it crashes. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. You'll blow out an ACL and not be able to exercise for a while. And when that identity goes or one of your businesses will fail or one of your, your, your husband won't be as great as you think, like something will happen. Things will happen.

And when you learn at a young age to hold things really loosely and yet work really hard, my gosh, that's the recipe for peace. And so let me ask you probably the hardest question I've asked you. Deep beneath all of the workouts, beneath the amazing husband, beneath all... Are you cool with you? I mean... Let me say it this way. That sounds kind of woo-woo. Are you afraid that people are going to judge you as harshly as you judge them? Maybe. I don't...

I mean, I don't know. I've done a lot of work, but I do find it hard to, I guess, yeah, be truly authentic with people. How come? I feel like I, I don't know. I feel like I have to have a mask for some reason. Yeah. Or maybe three or four inches of muscle you can hide behind. Six or seven.

The fact that you could rip that joke off just like that tells me you'd be a lot of fun to hang around if you would let yourself actually be hung around with. Yeah, that's fair. I wonder what it would be like, what kind of freedom you could experience if you could just be fully you. And it will cost you some hanger-ons and it will cost you some peripheral friends, but you'll have some deep, deep relationships that will form over time. And sometimes a simple question is, hey, will you teach me something?

Or I've got to know how can you ingest that much beer? I don't see how that's physiologically possible.

I remember one time I brought my, this is the kind of dork I am. I brought a foam roller to watch the fights with some guys. And these are guys that had never, never go to a gym. And they were like, I was trying to show them how it worked. And they were like, this is so dumb. And then one by one, they'd find a hotspot and be like, ah, ah. And it was weird laughing. And also I had all these like, this is why. And they're like, dude, it's not doing anything. I think you're kind of making this. All right. So it just became fun, uh,

It just became, it's a place where I can just drop my shoulders. And yes, if there's a problem in my marriage, those are the guys I call. If there's a problem with finances, those are the guys I call. If there's a problem with my spiritual life, those are the guys I call. And I think that started when I was able to fully be okay with they love me just for showing up. So I guess where would you start if you're, I guess, working on quote unquote unmasking? I would take three or four of my closest friends, the ones that you consider closest, and I

Put something regular on the calendar. And even go as far to say is I need a couple of three or four ride or die women in my life. And I have some hilarious jokes that my husband don't think are funny. Or I want to learn about like, okay, Ted, teach, tell me about like your job job. Like what do you do every day? And yeah, not you, but like them be genuinely interested in their lives. Not in, yeah.

are they meeting the checklist that you've given yourself that you feel like gives you permission to even exist? And for you, that's body fat percentage, insulin, and whatever other things you're measuring. Your ApoB. Those are things that are all important and good, and I like dealing with that stuff. But I kind of like that some of my friends don't. So I guess I'll say this. You're worth being a friend with, Catherine.

All of you, even the parts that you've hidden. And the only way I know to make friends in your 30s and 40s and 50s, I've said that before, is just to go first and be weird.

Put your intentions on the table. I need four or five ride-or-die women in my life. I need four or five ride-or-die men in my life. They're going to be my friends. I'm going to call you all in the middle of the night with weird conspiracy theories, and I need you just to laugh at me. And I'm going to call you when I am struggling with infertility, and you're on baby number three. I'm going to call you and just be sad. Will you be sad with me? And I'll cheer and be so happy too. Can we do all that together? Can we put some of these things out on the table? And then I'm sure they're dying to ask you questions about

How you ingest so much protein on a daily basis and while you're snorting creatine off the counter, whatever else is going on, right? And starting businesses, I'm sure they have interest too. It's just allowing yourself to be fully known. But the only way to do that is to go first. And there will be costs associated with it. You'll lose some people in your life and that's okay.

And by the way, thanks for being brave. This is a question that is plaguing, especially the Western world right now. Thank you for being a guinea pig and sitting with me, allowing me to sit with you. I think a lot of people are going to benefit from the conversation. So thank you so much for being brave. Go get them. Put the dumbbells down. I'm just kidding. Keep lifting. But also start laughing some too. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say it a thousand times, and I'm going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I know many of you don't believe this to be true, but it is. And being well is hard work, but you're worth the work. And therapy can help.

I see a therapist and many of you should see one too. But let's be real, taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming and exposing. Maybe it's time, maybe you have some preconceived notions about whether it will even work or not, or maybe it's cost, or maybe you're just not sure where to start. I know because I've been there. We spend money on gym memberships, organic groceries, some of you are essential oil people, some of you use special shampoos and creams and tracker watches, but when it comes to our mental and emotional health, we hesitate.

Listen, your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, therapy is now more accessible than ever, and BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and convenient. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six-month waiting lists. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost.

Your well-being is worth it. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get started. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. I'm telling you, that's got to be the show. All the stuff y'all don't hear, one day. We'd get canceled so fast. Exactly. If that stuff went out on the air, we wouldn't have a show. I know. That's the good stuff. Here's the thing. I think people assume and they kind of know. I guess it's just good to confirm it. Yes, that's, yes, you're right. It is.

There's a line that HR does not cross. All right. So what's up, sister? All right. So a couple of shows ago. Oh, no, it's good. We were joking about what would we call our gang kind of thing? And what would we call the, what would be the collective noun of Deloney listeners? So we got a ton of responses from people that had ideas and I've forgotten about it. And then over the past couple of days at home, going through emails, I was like, what are people coming up? What is this? And then I remembered, but we,

I picked a winner for what they should be called and what the collective noun would be a group of listeners. I thought this was pretty good. A Deloney groupie would be called the Jontaraj. Yes! Isn't that great? That's amazing. Find that person. Send them everything I got. This is from Krista in Thompson, Ohio. The Jontaraj. Which I thought was brilliant. I...

That's it. That's the magic moment. The jauntourage? Yep. Oh my gosh. And then our collective noun. Really? I'm sorry. You smell fantastic. Right now you smell like just like slathered up in Vicks. And cough drops. Yeah. That's probably real. I smell so good. I can't smell, so sure. But did somebody, Stephen from Fowler, California, said that the collective noun for a group of Deloney listeners would be a mosh of Deloney's.

Which I like that. Because I think that fits you. A mosh. I'll have to think on that one. Okay. The mosh. Yeah. Like you have like a pack or a herd or... Oh, we just got a mosh. We got a mosh. I can handle that. Yeah.

I'm in. Okay. It's growing on me. Like, cause it's a, it's a mosh pit. It's a mosh of, of, of listeners. If we have a mosh and then we have, when we have live events going out, um, then we could have like special instead of VIP seating, it could be in the mosh pit. That would be kind of dope. Yeah. All right. So before we wrap up the show, I have something I want to read. It's going to make you a little uncomfortable, but you're going to have to sit there and listen to it. Is it your diary again?

Dear John and crew on a recent call, you encouraged the wife of a man who was suffering from PTSD due to horrendous childhood trauma that occurred in a terrorist run country.

As a nurse who lives and volunteers among refugees for a similar sociocultural background, I was so moved by your response. You gave words to indescribable grief, both hers and his. The daily complicated trauma within this small, hidden sector of society often goes unnoticed, misunderstood, and unaddressed.

Thank you for taking the time to highlight their hurt and offer true hope with practical advice. You not only help individuals on your show, you also equip friends, family, and neighbors to step up and speak lives into others' lives. God bless you and your team for all of you do. It really does make an impact. I'll accept that. Thank you for that. I'm working on just receiving. So thank you for those kind, kind, kind words. And more importantly, who is that that wrote in?

This is Betsy from Boise, Idaho. Betsy, thank you for showing up every day. I don't say this lightly. It's easy for me to sit with somebody and then hang up the phone and then go about my day. And this is your life. And so for those of you who work with refugees who have just seen unfathomable trauma and work with marginalized populations and work in nursing homes and in hospitals and police departments and fire departments,

Y'all do this every single day. Thank you. Thanks to all of you. And thanks for honoring me by letting me pipe in through your headphones every now and then. It's a true, true, true honor. And thanks to you, crew. Shout out. Even you, Kelly. Especially you. Love you guys. Bye.