My Husband Secretly Racked Up $180,000 of Debt
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I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $180,000 in debt. Yeah, I would close my laptop if I were you for a second because your house is literally burning to the ground and you're on Wayfair trying to figure out how to get a couch delivered. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls.

on your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado and talk to Reese. What's up, Reese?

Hello. What's up? How are we doing? I'm good. How are you? Good. You sound like I jumped out of a closet and scared you. You kind of did. No, it's good. What's up? How are you? Okay. I can't believe I'm talking to you. I am thrilled that this is so amazing, but it's sad the reason why I'm here. I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $100,000.

$180,000 in debt. And I am beside myself. I don't even know what to do. What's he borrowed all that money on? Well, he started day trading, which is, in my opinion, gambling. Yeah, he's been putting it all on Black 26. Yeah, 100%. That's what that is. Yeah. And so did he just keep digging a deeper and deeper hole and thought he could get out of it and not tell you? And then all of a sudden... Yeah.

And all of a sudden I looked. Oh, you looked. So he didn't come to you and say, I'm over my head. No, never. And that's where I'm struggling. And I found out in four different increments and I just, I just don't even. So you found out and then he said, yeah, you're right. Oh, 25,000. And then you found another 50,000 and then you found another. Oh man. Okay. So how do you know this is all day trading?

Because I know he's been doing that, but the sad thing, that's how much debt he caused, but he drained our bank account. So it's way, way, way more than that. But I don't even know how to get out of that much debt. I personally don't. And I...

I have a job. I have a master's degree. I'm making spreadsheets on how fast we can pay off our house. I'm watching my retirement. And meanwhile, she's on the opposite train going down some ditch on fire. Yeah, I would close my laptop if I were you for a second. Okay. Because your house is literally burning to the ground and you're on Wayfair trying to figure out how to get a couch delivered.

Mm-hmm. He has stopped day trading. You don't know that. You don't know that. And here's why. Really? A hundred percent because he has not come and said, here's everything. Yes, I agree. And until he said, here is everything. And by the way, I want to see the receipts. Okay. Because I know people getting themselves in trouble with day trading. I know that legalized online gambling is just destroying, especially young men, but men.

And their financial present, their financial futures, it's catastrophic. I agree. And I also know that not all the time. I have a close personal friend that ran up a bunch of credit cards and just kind of got to spending, got to spending. But man, the vast majority of the time, there's other things going on.

There's somebody else. There's addictions that people don't want to talk about. There's other things. And it's easy just to say, well, it was me putting money on the Celtics game or it was me day trading. Man, until there is a full, until he takes a knee in front of his wife of a quarter century,

and says, I've wronged our family. I've wronged you. I've wronged me. I've wronged my commitment to you. Here's everything. Until that moment, you can't start making judgments and don't start buying couches for a house that's on fire.

No. You know what I mean? Yeah. He has. He has. And he's not a crier. And like, I'm not trying to defend him. No, defend him away. That's okay. I come off pretty harsh. So defend away. Some people on the show need to be defended from me because anyway, feel free to.

Well, and that's why I contacted you, because I trust your opinion. I value your intellect. He has done what I've asked as far as stop it now. And he does show me his computer. He has got to the point where he tells me if he crosses the street to go get the mail. And I didn't ask for that. Also, I don't want to be his babysitter. I have a job. Sure. And...

kids. And so he's trying to be as open and honest as he can. However, I just don't know if it's enough. So here's where we start. So I actually will honor him for that. Okay. Okay. And this is one of those problems that I label it this way. It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap. Your neighbor's pool busted, but your house is flooding.

So you didn't want to deal with this. You got a job, you got your own kids, you got your own life. It doesn't matter. Your house is full of water. Yeah. And so we'll deal with the water. We'll deal with our family. We'll deal with this mess. And then we'll go knock on the next door neighbor's house and figure out how we're going to get literally upstream of this deal. But yes, you have a job. Yes. But dude, you've got a broken man inside your house. And if that's where he is, good for him. But here's where, here's where it's going to start.

Okay. Today, you pull all three credit reports. Okay. And here's what we're doing for you. This is less an inquiry on him, even though it is. This is more for you to realize how deep the water you're treading water in. Okay. So what you're trying to do is reestablish safety. Do I have the bottom of this thing yet?

Okay. Okay. I like that. And so I want to know how much fricking money we owe period. Yeah. And he has established that he can't be trusted yet. Yeah. Okay. The next conversation is I need to know about every girlfriend. I need to know about every hotel. I need to know about every, everything. And if he says none, zero, great. And you believe him. I trust you. You know him. Okay. Okay.

Here's what we're looking to do. You have a big financial mess that y'all are going to have to clean up together. Okay? But before we start doing that, we have to create some sort of temporary concrete pad that you can anchor into. Okay. And right now, you are a balloon that the string has been clipped and you're trying to tether into something because everything you know that's reality is now unanchored. Yes. And once we establish that, then we can start saying, okay...

Budget-wise, how are we going to do this? And you have to make peace. Your financial dreams as you knew them, the house you were going to buy, the lake house, the new Tahoe you were going to get, all that is out the window right now. Yeah. And there's going to be a level of grief. There's going to be a level of just abject rage, anger, all of it. And again, this is not me saying,

coming from a position of like i'm better than anybody i've got my own stuff but i don't buy like a hunting jacket without letting my wife now gosh you know what i mean i wish like i i just so i i don't i can't wrap my head around getting 180 in the hole on something um but i also know i'm not perfect and so i'm not here to throw rocks at him but i'm hoping because of you i'm

I am choosing to believe that he was trying to do what's best for his family. He thought he had an in and a buddy told him a thing and then he tried a thing and then all of a sudden he found himself under an avalanche. Wow, nailed it. That's my hope. That's the best case scenario. Yep. But let's say you're 200 in the hole. What are you making your job?

Well, I just got another one, so I don't know. The truth is I do have access to enough to cover it. However, I'm not interested in when I'm out. Okay, but here's the problem.

This is y'all's debt and this is y'all's inheritance. Yes. Well, it's mine only. Does that matter? If you're married to somebody for 25 years, it's y'all's. Oh, I know, but he did this. I know, I know. And I'm not saying you run in there and bail it out right now. Okay. But what I'm saying is if for the past 10 years you've been talking about your inheritance, maybe this rift started with you.

Oh, you get what I'm saying? And maybe when you're saying I get $5 million when so-and-so passes away or whatever, then he's thinking, well, I got to keep up with her then. So she'll still love. That's an excuse him. I'm just saying when you are underwater, you both bail. And when all of your fruit trees come in, y'all all eat those apples. And so if y'all are running parallel lives, um,

You don't get to sit from your throne where, oh, no, no, I got an inheritance, but you, you terrible. This is a y'all problem and a y'all win. You're right. So I don't believe you go write a check and solve all this. I think that's not because, again. I agree. But I do think y'all have to sit at a table and maybe you come to the table and say, I can't believe I did this, but for 20 years, I've talked about my stuff and your stuff. And this is our problem.

And this is our victory. But I'm not going to cash anything out until we have come to terms with how we are going to be married together. How we are going to work through this problem together. And maybe we are going to clear $100,000 of this debt together by working three jobs each and by the kids thinking we're about to put them on Facebook Marketplace too. Like we're going to sell everything. We're going to... All the stuff. And then we will...

Sit down and come up with a plan once we have established that we are in this together. Okay. Does that ring true? Very. I just didn't expect to be chastised, but I probably needed it. Does it make sense? Yes. And how did you know this? I just do this for a living.

That's wild. I do have a tendency to, I think because I really do feel like I'd be totally fine on my own, and I've probably functioned that way my entire marriage. And so I would come before him and say, I'm so sorry. Mm-hmm.

Because for 20 years, he's been trying to prove to you, no, no, no, let's do this together. And I'm making something up on his behalf, right? He may be a total jerk and you may have had to do this because you knew he wasn't reliable and he was unstable and he would gamble half your life savings away. Who knows? But what I do know is marriages don't survive when people are roommates. Marriages don't survive big drops in income or big windfalls when people aren't united. Okay.

Because this affects your, this is not just a money problem. This affects where y'all eat. This affects how y'all date. This affects your life after your kids go to bed and he's on his iPad and you're on your phone. Like this affects every bit of your life. This affects your sex life. It affects everything. Everything. And if this is the moment when you want to call it, then do that. I don't recommend that at all. Okay. But if you've been divorced for 20 years, y'all just been roommateing together, then put that on the table. Okay.

But he's got a lot to apologize for and be sorry for. But if you've been acting like his mom for 20 years, saying this is mine and I'll pat you on the head, you said, I don't want another kid, but you kind of had one for a long time, right? Yeah. Ugg, right? Ugg. Yeah, Ugg. Yeah, it's true. So maybe as a part of the, I want to see how bad this hole is. I want to see how we're going to put all of the credit reports on the table. I'm going to bring all of my windfalls to the table too.

Okay. And here's the plan we are going to make together. And instead of saying, I'm not giving any of this money to bail us out of this mess you made, it is, I want us to prove to ourselves that we're both in to building this new marriage. Is it salvageable? 100%. But it takes both of you clearing the deck with both arms saying we are starting from scratch. Here's a brand new marriage.

I have seen glimpses of that. Well, more than glimpses. This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me. However, this may be the first time we've ever communicated. It's just a really high price to pay. Well, yeah. And here's the thing. Anybody listening to this, and you included, me included, there's always a price to pay. You want to pay it monthly? Yes.

With a pain in the butt monthly budget meeting? Or do you want to pay it every 20 or so years and you find out our marriage may not make it? I'm going to hook you up with something, okay? I'm going to give you Financial Peace University, all nine lessons. It's a digital thing. I want you all to watch it together. Okay. And you think it's about money? It is 5%.

But it's really about two people coming together and saying, okay, what do we value? And adults delay gratification and pleasure because they follow a plan to get them where they want to go. Children eat as many of the jelly beans as possible right away. Who cares about teeth rot? Who cares about diabetes? We just want it right now. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm also going to send you one year of the EveryDollar Premium app. And here's why that's important. You all make a budget together. And then every time one of you buys something, it pops up on the other person's phone. That's amazing. So you all stay in it together. But you all have to have one checking account.

Yep. You'll have to deposit in and out. He has to go get a job where he gets a paycheck. He has no self-esteem. He's been floundering for 20 plus years. He doesn't respect himself. You don't respect him. Pull all the credit reports and then you pull your financial statements. We're going to put everything on this and I want you to say these words. I want to be your wife, not your mother.

In fact, I want to be your girlfriend. I want to date you again. I want you to fall in love with me. I want to fall in love with you. And we're going to start from square one. What do I want in a romantic partner? What do I want in a financial, like in a financial partner? What I want as a co-parent, we are starting from scratch. And yes, you could do it. How do I know? I have done it several times when my wife and I have said, the marriage we've had is over.

I'll build a new one if you will. Okay, it takes both feet in the boat. Okay, I don't have these skills. We're going to learn them together. All right, here we go. So yes, yes, yes, I believe in you. Does that make any of what he did right? No. Does that give me a context as to where he may have been trying to salvage his own dignity and respect for himself and try to win yours over? Absolutely, yes. And some dude at work said, bro, I got an insider tip. And now we're down a rabbit hole. So today, my friend Reese, for your new marriage, day one.

And I'll walk with you and I'll walk with him every step of the way. You'll call me anytime. Super, super proud of you guys. Coming up next, we're going to talk to a man who reveals his marriage is on the brink.

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Nothing. How are you? I'm doing all right, man. Good. What's going on in your world? Oh, well, thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it. You got it, man. No, I've been married for, I don't know, 2003, so 22 years. It'll be 22 years come September. But it's been a big challenge for a solid 10 years, and I've kind of just had enough.

What's been the challenge for a decade? Well, the first decade was, it was all work. We only have one child. That's all we could have. We were blessed on that. Got lucky there. And then my job, I worked a lot of hours. She worked a lot of hours. And everything was fine. Everything, you know, we did our thing. Doing your everyday life, I guess. Once I wasn't working all those hours,

I slowly started realizing that, well, we don't know each other. So let's try and get to know each other. But in the process during that, there's been a lot of, I'll say hurt, uh, that was kind of done. I don't know how to put it on and starting back 10 years ago with my mom, uh,

So she had cancer and they only lived a few blocks away from us. So I'd get out of work, stop by, how are you? Make sure they're good because they were elderly. But then I'd come home, make dinner, make sure that they're good and then do it every day. Well, I'd say four days a week, I'd stop by and make sure

Mom and dad are doing all right. And one thing that hurt was when it very first started, and I didn't think nothing of it, was my wife told me, well, it's either you come home or we're going to be done.

And I go, well, hold on. I said, my mom's got cancer. Dad can't lift anything. I'm trying to help them and make sure that you guys are taken care of too. That's, you know, we've talked about this and it was good. Now, after I, now a few years later, um,

I brought that back up and said, hey, I built resentment with this. And this is, that really hurt. And she said, well, I apologize to you. And I said, I don't know if you did or didn't. I don't remember. But it still hurts me. And she says, I'm sorry. I said, okay. And I let that go. I said, all right. Well, that's where I'm at. But then we started having conversations in general because every day I go to

It sounds weird. We don't go grocery shopping once a week because it's on my way home. I have a short commute. I'll stop by and instead of me freezing meats and things like that, I'll stop and maybe we're getting hamburgers or whatever. And I'll pick up dinner that night and then I end up cooking it and then I clean it up. And then I'll ask her like, hey, I know you don't cook.

but could you help me two days a week? Because she works from home two days, or she works at the office two days a week and she works at home the rest of the time. And she's like, yeah, sure, no problem. Okay, cool. No, on the days that she says she's going to help out, just pick that up twice a week.

She maybe orders a pizza or goes out to eat, whatever, which is fine, but not all the time. And so that still leaves me with cleaning up and doing the chores and things of that nature. And she just doesn't engage. Now we've had this conversation multiple, multiple, multiple times, and it just never changes. But I don't think...

Let me jump in here. I don't. Yeah. The way you framed it to me just now makes it about dinner, but has nothing to do with dinner. I agree. This has to do with my head on it. It has to do with you on her. You're keeping score. Time spent, dishes washed, dollars made, commute miles driven. What you're asking her is, will you be all in in this marriage?

And the way it comes out, your request is very veiled, very they, very – even listening to your story, it's kind of hard to follow because it's like you have a narrative in your head. And then you're like a river, and then somebody hops in the river for a little piece of the conversation, and then they're out again. And what she takes away from that, I'm guessing, is can you take care of dinner twice a week? And she's like, yeah, I'll do that. But that's not what you're asking.

What you're asking is, hey, I feel like I have two full-time jobs. I have a full-time job that I go to. I have a full-time job taking care of my dying parents. I have a full-time job. You got six full-time jobs. Two full-time jobs doing all the domestic stuff. And I just get home and I see you've been working from home. You sit here and you're unplugged from our life. That's a different question than can you do dinner twice a week. Correct. And I use the dinner as an example. Sure. I know. I know. I know. So the bigger question is this isn't about communication.

As much as you don't like your wife, it doesn't sound like she likes you. That, to me, is the deeper issue here. Y'all aren't friends. Y'all are like co-workers, and you're like, hey, dude, can you at least clean the fryers once a week? I do the fryers on the other. You get what I'm saying? Y'all are trying to just shut down a restaurant every night. Y'all aren't in it together. You were hitting that on the head. So my question for you is like, man, yeah.

this is one of those this is one of those marriage questions that sounds really simple when you call it in but it un it it peels back like like you say 20 years because unless somebody's just outside the bell curve with some sort of pathology right like a true mental health disorder or they're just a grade a ass outside of that

Somebody doesn't ask their husband who's swinging by for 30 minutes on the way home from work to check on his dying mother to get your butt home unless there's another context there, which is my husband wants any excuse to not be present here. And I'm wondering if 10 years ago she didn't have the words, the language, or the emotional maturity to say,

I miss you. I feel like you're avoiding me. Is there something about me you don't like? The story I'm choosing to make up is you'd rather be anywhere but next to me on this couch. And that comes out as either you come home or we're done. Do you know what I'm saying? And for you, it's a similar, like, instead of saying, hey, I want a wife.

I want a lover. I want someone to play with. I want to come home and be happy that I'm here. I want to walk in the door and see somebody who's been working from home, happy to see me. My dog runs to the door to greet me and you're like, ugh. But that comes out as, hey, can you do dinner twice a week? And so maybe the next move, dude, is to say, hey, I love you. And I feel like all these other people want to hang out with me like you do. And I'm not doing a good job of communicating to you how much I want to hang out with you. And I haven't found a way to...

invite you out of this house to come spend some time with me dancing, going to movies, going to concerts, going to comedy shows, whatever. Would you go talk to a marriage counselor with me so that I can learn some better tools? Actually, we had that conversation as well. Okay. How'd that go? And after our conversation, she goes, well,

And I said, okay, well, maybe we should schedule. When do we want to start? She goes, I don't think we need to do that. We just had our talk. Michael, that's not how it works. I know, but you have to say, I need to. Would you love me enough to come help me? Not we need to. And when can you do it? And when can we? I need to do this. I'm going to counseling for myself now. Yes. She doesn't want any part of it. Okay. At the end of the day, brother, you've got to live in that.

And that will be probably the most painful experience of your life. And unfortunately, I don't have a quick 10-minute quippy, like just do this, this, and this. For a lack of better analogy, this is just yet another cancer in your life.

That's going to take some professional help and two people deciding we want to fight this and we want to go to war against this together, us two versus the world. And you just can't do that by yourself. And I don't have a, what do I do now? Do I leave her? Do I, those are all decisions way down the road between you and a therapist. But I guess if I can do anything for you now, William is to let you know, you're not crazy. The place I would probably start if I were you is making sure that

I am working on myself as much as I possibly can. Am I a guy that's fun to hang out with or am I a guy who always tries to lecture and fix everybody? Do I always want to talk about work and TPS reports or am I a guy who brings fun to the table or whatever? I'm going to do this for you. This is a Hail Mary. I'm going to send you all three questions for humans couples deck. Don't even leave the house. Just ask while y'all are at home. Can we turn the screens off and just do five of these questions a night?

And here's what it might do. It might spark just a tiny little flame in, I like this guy. I remember the fun we used to have. I like to have more of this kind of fun. And by the way, I take questions in the car with me. I took some to dinner the other night with me and my wife, and I learned some more things about her I didn't know after almost 30 years of dating and being married.

And so I'll send you all those. It may do nothing, but here's what we're trying to do. Trying to get to the bottom of you have somebody in your home who's just the lights gone out. And by the way, this may have nothing to do with you. She may be struggling with depression in a pretty significant way. She may be struggling with hormones. Who knows what she's working through on her end, but this doesn't sound like it just popped up. It's not like it's been this way for a long, long, long time, but you're not crazy. I don't think you're crazy. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I wish she'd go with you, but-

Start there, brother. Start there. Thanks for the call, William. Next up, a woman struggles to be intimate with her husband because of how caustic their political differences have gotten to be.

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free. That's three months completely free at hallow.com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to H-Town and talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole? Hey, Dr. John, how are you doing today? I'm doing outstanding. What's up with you?

All right. So my question today is how do I navigate such different political views in these wild times that we're living in with my husband? I don't know what you're talking about, wild political times. Tell me more. Just kidding.

Yeah, no. So I guess kind of just some context. We are very newly married, but we've been together for a long time prior to that. We have definitely spoken about politics. It's not like we didn't touch about this or talk about it prior to marriage or anything like that. And neither of us really prior to any of this hated the other side. You know what I mean? It was all very cohesive. And so I guess the

Problem is, is we're not like fighting with each other. It's more so we're both very passionate about how we speak. And like, we're just both very fiery people. So we'll get talking about these things. Cause I mean, something new happens every day. You know what I mean? It's almost like you, you can't really not,

discuss it um and then you for sure can't but go ahead go ahead yeah right it's um and then it's kind of like we both are like we just get heated on this on top of each other on top of each other on top of each other kind of speaking over because we're just so i guess into it on our own sides that we're trying to figure out like what's the best way to discuss this where we're not kind of seeing the other person as like what are you even thinking about can i ask you a harder question

Yes, you can. What is dumping all of this passion and feeling and aliveness into other people who are just literally designed to fire you up instead of each other? What is that getting you?

Truly nothing. And I'm very aware of that. And that's where I think for me, I, the want to call in and ask about this was, is that I know that for me, I grew up, I was always kind of like that little social warrior, like social justice was like my thing. Sure. And so, um, that's just how I've always been. So, and when I'm talking about these things, I feel like I'm coming off as just like, um,

like disappointed in him or these things when that's not what it is at all he's okay hold on the best man can we um can i can i just follow you down this rabbit hole yeah what do you do for a living i'm in sales okay what do you do as a um how do you support the least of these in your community what do you give to what do you volunteer for what do you do with your time

So volunteer wise, I don't necessarily, I have two jobs at the moment. Don't really have a whole lot of time. But previously, so my parents were in the nonprofit world. They helped direct a nonprofit back home. So I think that's where I just grown up around. Let's back out of them for a second. Let's back out of them for a second. Let's just talk about you. Okay. So, and this is, somebody did this exact thing to me.

And that's why I'm just, I'm replaying a conversation that somebody had directly with me and I'm doing it to you. And it should feel uncomfortable because I remember feeling uncomfortable, but it was very instructive for me as a person who's committed to quote unquote social justice. And I'll come after him in a second. Okay.

Is the commitment to social justice an avenue where you have been able to feel better than other people and or win arguments in the past? Or is it a commitment that you wake up every day trying to figure out how can I feed hungry people? How can I make sure people who are not, who are society has kicked to the margins? How do I make sure they're welcome at my house? Because what I'm finding in on the, on, on the other side, I'm assuming he's comically conservative, right?

Yeah. Okay. And y'all just butt heads. Y'all argue and argue and argue. Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say arguing, but very passionate conversations. And then we're not trying to fight with each other, but it just sounds like it because we're both just very passionate about it. But you're saying underneath that, that the, it's gotten to a point where you don't respect him enough that you don't look and you don't even want to open your body to him. I don't want to be intimate with you.

That's a level of disrespect. Because I know people who are different ideologically, and it fires up the bedroom. Right. But this is a different layer. Because I know people who are like, dude, one of my best, oldest friends on the planet is insanely liberal. I mean, I'm sorry, insanely conservative, like comically conservative. Right. And doesn't have a job. And it's like, bro, like, you know what I mean? Right. And it makes for fun political back and forth and whatever. Right.

But you can rant and rave or you can go get certified and go get yourself one of the 5 million open manufacturing jobs currently existing in the United States right now. Right. Right. Or you can talk about social justice and how ridiculous it is and scroll Instagram. Or once a week, you can open up your home and everybody's invited to have dinner at your house because you're providing all the food.

Right. Right. So we could talk about stuff and scroll and whatever, but here's the bigger thing. I think this is all theater for a husband and a wife who dated for a long, long time and thought they would just roll right into being married together. And all of a sudden we don't like each other or we don't have the same commitments or we don't have a, a purpose that it's us to verse the world on. Right. So I'm more interested in that. Yeah.

And that's, that's the thing is I don't ever, that's not. Why don't you want to sleep with your husband? Let me ask that. Like, why don't you want to sleep with your husband? No, it's when I say intimate, it's more like being like opening. Like I feel because for lack of not trying to get into politics, like I feel, I think it's more so coming as a woman, like agreeing with a party that is kind of going against woman. Okay.

That's where I think the thing is. It's more like intimate outside of the bedroom as well too. Okay, so let's take the political off. You are looking at a man. You married a man and you're starting to wonder, oh, you think you're better than me. Or you think I have a role and it is X, Y, and Z, which diminishes me as a person. Because again, take the politics off. Look across the kitchen. Look across the living room at your husband, that guy.

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, no, I hear you. You can't see it through the lens of it's, you're identifying with the party. You have to see it as the person. But there's something instructive there. He's saying things and representing things that is making your body feel, I'm not safe in my own house. And I know not getting beat up safe and all that, but in a, I don't feel like I can open up to you. I don't feel like I could tell you what I'm actually scared about.

If we ever have a son or a daughter, I'm scared of the world they're going to grow up in. Yes. I think that's the true root of it. It's hard for me to express my concerns and sadness over a lot of the things that are happening just because I know he's not that type of man, but then again, you still are a part of that in the sense. I get that. I get that. I get that. So I guess the bigger challenge is instead of saying y'all,

You guys, you stupid conservatives, you dumb libs. I would much rather see you inside your house say, I'm terrified that I don't know. I'm making up like that. If I had to go to a doctor about my medical care, I'd have to default to somebody in the house of representatives of our state onto what kind of care I could get. Yes. That is a much different conversation than you guys or you,

I have a friend at work and he wants to marry his boyfriend and I can't fill in the blank. Or your husband being able to say, my granddad took me hunting, my dad took me hunting, and I don't have a son that I can take hunting and they're trying to take hunting away from the western part of the United States. I think that's wrong. Do you see where anybody can come together on those moments? Or if you can't come together, you can at least sit across the table from each other. But when they start with y'all and you guys and you...

Whenever you come at somebody like that, then yeah, you rally around your team. And right now, politically, the teams are who do you all hate together? Also very true. It's not what kind of problems are we trying to solve. You get what I'm saying? No, 100%. Is he a man, and this is a question because I know these guys do. Is he a man who when his wife sits down and says, I'm hurting over a thing, I'm scared over a thing, that he says, I don't care.

No, not at all. Or if you said, hey, I'm really struggling with X, he would say they're going to come through me first. Yeah, he's very protective. That's the thing. I think it's I see this great man and I think I'm putting on, you know, blinders and I just see this party as a whole thing. And that's on me. You know what I mean? Well, I mean, both parties right now are.

giving it their best right yeah like they're really crying so it is hard here's where i would love anybody wrestling here i would love behind the rhetoric to like i don't know like hey on saturday mornings i'm gonna start going to volunteer to soup kitchen it would mean a whole lot to me if you'd come with me just gonna do three hours and it's easy to talk about quote unquote them

It's really hard to talk about your friend Bubba that you met at the soup kitchen every Saturday morning for three months. And then you see him come in that one day and his face is all scraped up and he tells you what happened the night before. Man, then you get a different picture. Yeah. Or you can talk all about X and Y and Z. And it's really tough when my buddies in Colorado are like, I can't take my grandson hunting this year because they've limited X, Y. It's hard. Yeah.

Right? It's hard. Or it's hard when my friends in Michigan are like, yeah, we still don't have a job. And so it's getting beneath that instead of talking about it, actually, who are we going to be in our house? And what I'm hearing you say, which is frustrating for me, and I know it's frustrating for you is, oh, wait, we got two really great human beings in this house that are both wearing the wrong jersey that really doesn't represent either of us.

But because those colors are so bright, we're missing the great person that's actually right in front of us. Yes, exactly. That's so frustrating and annoying. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody. I hate that for all of us right now. Yeah, it's a lot going on, but you know, hey, we're going to make it through. We always have. This is what I love. I love that in, what, 10 minutes we can get beneath the veneer and talk to real people because here's what most people are trying to figure out right now. Yeah.

We can't afford chicken. We can't afford eggs in our house. We have to cut out bacon. There is less stuff on the shelves. Well, we got a politics and Bob. No, no, no, no. I'm tired. I'm out of hope, right? That's the stuff I'm hearing all over the country. I just, I was at a dinner last night with people who have net worth that I will never fathom in my life. And the prevailing sense is we're out of hope. We're out of hope. We thought this, we thought this would solve everything. We thought this was going to fix everything. We thought, we thought, we thought, we thought.

We're out of hope. And the only way to reestablish hope is to reestablish humanity in good people. And that starts with husbands and wives saying, you vote this way, I vote that way. We'll duke that one out. But I'm not losing my sex life. I'm not losing my intimate life. I'm not losing my ride or die partner over what jersey we're wearing. Let's do the hard work. Who are we going to be in this house? As for us in our house, dot, dot, dot. And usually that cuts through all the nonsense.

Thanks for the call, Nicole. Your willingness to talk about this is going to impact a lot of folks. And by the way, if you don't agree with me on this, you don't have to. That's fine. Or if you're sitting there seething, you don't understand. I would just challenge you to take 30 days off the news and off social media and just see what happens in your life. And you should subscribe and like the show. We'll be right back.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for the big stuff, but therapy can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well-being. I've personally used therapy for working through major, major trauma, as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges.

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All right, this is from Courtney in Glens Falls, New York, and she writes... Glens Falls? Like multiple glens are falling? Multiple glens and multiple falls. They need to fix that sidewalk. That's lots of glens falling over there in New York. All right, Glens Falls. Glens Falls, and she writes...

My husband and I have a great relationship and sex life for the most part. He's 35. I'm 32. Married six years together for 12. Four children, seven, nine, 10, and 13. Good Lord. We are the quote unquote gold couple. Everyone is always saying how sweet and loving we are, but my husband gives me the silent treatment every time I fall asleep after promising sex. He thinks that he has the right to be mad because quote, I shouldn't promise and then not follow through.

I've offered to him that he can wake me up, but he says, if I cared enough, I'd stay awake. It really affects my feelings toward him and toward sex negatively. Am I the problem? Why did you give me this one? I like to watch you squirm. Just wake me up. Kelly, why this one? The whole house is a problem here. Like...

Everyone needs to have a different conversation, which is because here's the thing. She is hearing his advances as I need to get off and it's your job. And he's hearing I would rather be asleep than be with you. And so just wake me up and I'll be half awake. I'll get you off and I'll go back to sleep. Nobody wants either of those things. And what do they have, 31 kids or something? They've been together six years.

How many kids? Six? Four? Married for six years, together for 12, and they have four children. Okay. Yeah, the bigger thing is backing all the way out and saying, what kind of life do we want to have? That's a bigger question.

You're not buying it. No, I do. Yes, it's not cool to say, dude, tonight me and you are going to freaking party and then to go, not cool. I'm actually coming to her defense on this one a little bit because I would like to know, does this happen all the time? Then yes, we have an issue. Or is this talking like

every three months, you know, because sometimes you're a different person at 2.30 in the afternoon than you are at 10 o'clock. Correct, yes. Because, you know, you've got

for children stuff happens. There's a project that has to, you know, oh, you have a test tomorrow, a project due and blah, blah, blah. And it's 10 o'clock and all of a sudden you're exhausted. But that's where, but that's where it's not, it's not a, it's not a team sport here. And so if, if you, if I send a flirty text at 9am, it's like tonight we're partying and you write back, oh hell yeah, hold on to your hats. And then by two o'clock, I can't keep my eyes open. Then I need to be a grownup and say, dude, I sent you the most absurd, like let's get it on text.

And I can't even breathe tonight. I'm so tired. Could we, that changes everything. Then waiting until nine o'clock, he gets out of the shower, ready to party. And she's cashed out. Like that's a lack of communication. And on the other side, him being like, I deserve that. That's stupid too. Cause that doesn't take into account life is happening.

And so it's, again, yes, if it only happens once every six months, this is a silly conversation we're even having. I'm assuming this happens with some regularity and both people are missing each other in the night. I agree with that. So what do you think the solution is? Oh, wise one. I think you're right on the solutions communication. Talking about it and being like, man, I'm so sorry. I know I said this, but...

After I talk to you, things went off the rails, a busy meeting or whatever, or just don't feel great. All right, here's where it unwinds, okay? The harder conversation for him is...

I don't want to be with you just to get off. And if I'm communicating that through my actions, if I'm completely unplugged from the house and I show, I get home and I crack open two beers and I just scroll Instagram and you do the dishes because you've made dinner too. And, and, and I've been communicating to you that I just want you as a warm body for my pleasure. And I'm so sorry. And she needs to come to the table and say, I hide from you.

Like, I just, I'm busy. I just get under the covers and go to bed real fast. And I'm like, well, just wake me up then. Like, I'm hiding from my own husband in my own house. And I don't want to do that either. Like, that's a different conversation here. Him having, giving her the silent treatment is childish. It's so, it's a child. Yeah. So stop that. It's like, I'm going to take my truck and go home. Right. And she's like, thank God. I want to go to bed. Yeah. So stop that. Yes. Everybody in this house needs to be an adult.

That's the bigger thing. Except for the four children. All the adults seem to be adults. And what does that mean? With four kids running around, 13, what, 12, 6, 2, 1?

7, 9, 10, and 13. Yeah, there's going to be less sex in this house for a season. Get over it. And there's going to have to be sex on the calendar. Get over it. And there's going to be times you have sex when you're both tired. That's part of it. When you have four kids, like it's all of it together, but it's adults talking it through and saying, what do I really want? What I really want is, here's my, I'd be willing to bet money unless he's just the worst guy ever. What I really want is after a crazy day at work,

I want you to desire me. And for her to say at the end of a crazy, crazy day, I would love to desire you. I have nothing left. Here's what would really help. And that goes back to that, the brakes and gas pedals conversation. And that's where you're like, if you want me fully present at nine or 10 o'clock at night, then I'm going to need a ton of help here, here and here. And that's where the conversation goes. And so everybody's at fault here and nobody's at fault here. We're just figuring this thing out.

I feel like this question after a politics question. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a fun five years running this show. We're glad y'all are with us. Kelly was like, I want to get another job. So she decided to tank the show. So congratulations, Kelly. You ended us. No more tattoos for you. Just wake me up. Come on. And also, I'm not talking to you. America, we need adults to be adults. Let's start there. Love you guys. Bye.