Shownotes Transcript
We had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical abuse, I guess you would say. He had pushed me back onto the couch and he had put his hands around my neck. Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was a crime.
Yo, yo, what's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show. So glad that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and your kids and your relationships, whatever else you got going on in your life.
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So it's kind of a difficult thing to talk about. So excuse me if I get emotional. Hey, listen, you can get as emotional as you want and go slow as you want and only say what you want it to, okay?
Okay. Same team. So I'll just give some backstory. Me and my husband met in 2023 in February. We got married in November. We found out we were having a baby in December. So fast forward, our son is now seven months old and it's been really rocky. We had an argument Friday and it escalated and there was some physical issues.
I guess you would say. He was charged with aggravated assault against me and is now in jail. And I'm torn between like leaving or staying. Like I feel guilty. I feel like I'm kind of ruining his life. So I don't really know where to go or what to do. I'm sorry. Thank you. That's not how they're supposed to go.
No. So let me make sure. I'm going to read back to you what I got in my mind to make sure I'm hearing you right, okay? Okay. You met this guy a couple years ago. Y'all fell in love pretty hard, pretty fast. How old are you? We're about 25. Okay. So still kind of young, but you're going for it. Y'all got married, and then...
I guess you got pregnant on your honeymoon, and then you have a seven-month-old. And since you've been married, your husband's... I didn't get the game. He's playing too much... Playing video games all the time? Tell me more about that. Yeah, it was... So he struggled really hard, like, when...
I first had my son, so he'd become really distant to the point where he would pull all-nighters playing a video game. He would go to work on no sleep. Did he just ignore you guys? No helping with the bottles, no helping with the diapers, bedtimes, nothing? Yeah. My son was nearly three months old, and he hadn't even washed a bottle yet. He would watch them, but he would lay them in the bathroom beside him and put his headphones on and just kind of listen for him to cry. Oh, God. Oh, God.
So did he do this before the baby was born or while you were pregnant? He played games. He's played games the whole time I've known him, but it wasn't to this extent. Okay. So it just kind of got worse. So tell me what happened the night it escalated. So earlier that night,
He wanted to have sex and I declined. And so we kind of got arguing about that. And then he went to play his game. How did the argument go?
And it was like, we were actually laying down to watch a movie and I was falling asleep. And he was like trying to wake me up to have sex. And I got aggravated. I told him like, I'm trying to fall asleep. Like I've been working. Like I want to get some rest. And he's like, you know, well, you told me like I could wake you up sometime and be spontaneous. And I was like, yeah, like after I've had a rest, not like when I'm falling asleep. And it just kind of turned into like,
I don't know. He started making me feel like I don't care about him. And, and it was like, like I was going back on my word or something. And it was like a big misunderstanding that way. Um, so then he gets up, he's throwing like a major league two-year-old tantrum, but he's in a 25-year-old man's body. And then he gets up to go play his video games.
Yeah, so right after the argument, I went outside to just breathe because our arguments have escalated and I'm just kind of... I just kind of exit and I'm like... Are you cursing at each other? You swear? I mean, y'all pushing each other? Yeah. Give me an example of a fight. So there'll be a lot of...
A lot of yelling, a lot of cursing. It's not always physical. Like, it has been before, but not to this extent. Paint me a picture of physical. Like, what does that look like? Like...
There was an argument where he had taken our son right before I was about to shower with him and was, like, trying to get me to talk to him. Like, he was using my kid. He knew I was about to get in the, like, bathe my son. And I'm trying to grab my kid, and he's, like, pushing me, like, pushing me back. And...
Like we're just arguing over it. So let me paint this picture because I'm asking these questions on purpose because I'm getting to, I'm walking along a path that I don't normally walk with a collar. So that's why I'm being a little bit more specific than I usually am. Okay. I'm not just being nosy. I'm actually, I'm going somewhere. Okay. Okay. So I'm painting a picture or you're painting a picture of me of a mom who doesn't have any clothes on. Who's getting into the shower, carrying her newborn. Right.
He grabs the baby. You're standing in and half in and half out of the shower. You don't have any clothes on and he's shoving you saying, you're going to come talk to me. Yeah. He had carried the child into his bedroom or carried our child into the bedroom. And he's like, well, I'm going to change a stopper. And I'm like, like I'm taking this stopper off the shower. And then it's,
And he had later admitted that he was using our son's like. But there's a particular, there's a particular, and the reason the picture of this moment, and I know it's a little bit of a graphic moment. I don't want all of these people who listen to the show trying to imagine who you are and you naked in the shower. That's not the point. The point here is there's a very particular kind of man who will go after a woman in extreme levels of vulnerability.
And a woman who is unclothed, holding her baby or trying to get her baby in a slippery, unsafe situation in the shower. And a guy that will use that moment to exert some kind of power or that will take a kid and use that kid, right? Weaponize their baby. That's a different level of degenerate in my book.
You see what I'm saying? That's different than couples who fight, couples who yell. We'll get through that kind of stuff. But I'm trying to get you through action to paint me a picture of how this guy responds over and over again. And that's a very particular type of cruel, very immature man.
Yeah, and it gets really confusing because there's sometimes where, like right before the aggravated assault charge, like I would come to him with something and he would be really calm. And I'm like, so now I'm just confused. Well, it's when he doesn't get what he wants. He instantly becomes a toddler. And if he feels powerful, like you saying, hey, can you help me with this? Or do you have an answer for me? And he's got a utility, then that feeds his ego.
But the moment he doesn't get what he wants and you're an object for him, the moment that you don't fulfill his fill in the blank, his ego, his sexual need, his whatever, doesn't matter if you're exhausted, doesn't matter if you're working a full-time job and 100% of this childcare of your new baby is on you and he's been playing video games all day. I don't really care. I don't have sex right now. And one time or two times we were talking about spontaneousness, especially after you've been pregnant for half your marriage and you've had a baby for the other half, like,
of course sex lives get screwed up then right and you talk about spontaneous and how do we practice desire all that fun stuff he's like yeah one day just wake me up man let's just like do it in the middle of the night that's all cool and well and good but then my wife's exhausted and I'm like no you shit you get what I'm saying like that's that's that's using your words that's using a conversation and
And there's a difference when in the middle of the night, one of you gets up to go to the bathroom, you lay back down, your feet accidentally touch, then your fingers accidentally touch, and then you kind of feel like, oh, you're more awake than I thought. And then it kind of happens, right? That's a different thing.
I think that's kind of what I had in my mind. Of course it is. You know why? Because you're a regular, you're a normal person. It wasn't, hey, you have unfettered access to my body, whether I'm sick, I'm exhausted, I've been taking care of our finances and our baby while you've been playing video games all night. Like, of course that's what you meant. And any rational person in the world would know that.
Okay. Um, so walk me through the last little minute. Y'all, he wants to have sex. He's trying to wake you up and you say, no, I'm going to bed. He gets pissed. Y'all are screaming, yelling, cussing at each other. He throws a temper tantrum, gets up and leaves the bedroom to go play a video game. Then what happened? So, um, well, after I went outside and come back in, um,
He kind of disappeared. I didn't know where he went. Then I seen he had turned the game on because our apartment is pretty small, so I can see into the living room from our bedroom. I noticed he's on the game. I don't know what I probably shouldn't have done. I went in there and I took his headset off. I'm telling him, if I can't go to bed, you can't play the game. Then he...
Like, I got those words out, and that was, like, he had pushed me back onto the couch, and he had put his hands around my neck, and it didn't feel like it was in the way to, like, keep me from breathing, but almost, like, to scare me. Because I also feel like he's not stupid. Like, he's not going to leave marks and anything like that. So it was... But that's what I had done, and, like...
I mean, I don't know. I know that I shouldn't have done that, but. Yeah, but there's, there's a, so here's what I'll say. Fine. Yeah. You probably shouldn't have done that. And that doesn't justify the response in any shape, form or fashion. Or let me put it this way. What you did was bratty. What you did was annoying. What he did was psycho. What he did was a crime. Do you get the difference? Yeah. And all of us, you, me, everybody gets bratty, gets annoying, gets crummy during a fight every once in a while. That happens.
And that's why repair, like coming back together after a fight, that's such an important skill for all relationships. We say dumb things, we do something dumb, like I step outside and I act bratty or whatever the thing is, but we don't commit crimes of violence. And so as you've painted this picture for me, and hopefully in my questions back to you, you're hearing me, I'm trying to be as calm as I can, but I want you to have heard the narrative you've given me. What I'm hearing is,
is there's a guy that has shown you through his actions, he has absolutely no interest in his son. He's got no interest in his wife. He has one interest and one interest only, and that's him. And clearly he's got some emotional and mental health challenges he's struggling with, clearly. But I'm going to look at behavior, not diagnostic here, because I don't have that information. I never talked to him. And I don't care what your diagnostic is,
You got to show up for your kids. You can't hide behind 24-hour video game sessions while your life is passing you by on the couch next to you. You cannot shove an exhausted, naked wife trying to get her baby into the shower so she can give this little kid a bath. You can't do that. You can't use your son, your baby as a lure to get another adult to do what you want them to do out of fear you're going to hurt their kid. You don't take over some... Try to like have...
Wake somebody up who's collapsing from fatigue and exhaustion and demand sex and then blame them for not giving it to you You don't shove a woman down even if she's you put your hands on even if even if she pulls off your headset and said if I can't do if you're gonna wake me up and you can't play video games That's silly, but you don't then respond by shoving her Up on the furniture and then putting your hands around her neck letting you know I could kill you right now if I wanted to
So reading that back that way, and I know by the way, in 99.9% of these conversations, you're soft peddling it for me, right? Yeah, I think so. I know you are. Okay. And I don't blame you. And I honor that. I'm not going to push anymore. I can ask you any more personal questions, but just reading that back. Like if you were a close friend of mine, you were my sister, you were a coworker of mine. I'm looking at you and saying, what are you trying to salvage here?
I mean, honestly, I don't know. I don't know what I'm missing. I just... I think... Like, as far as, like, lawyers, like, everybody's telling me to leave, but then, like, I have, like, my dad, like, my only close, like, person in my life, and he's Christian, and it's, you know, like, oh, you can't get divorced, like... Nonsense. Nonsense. Nonsense. What's he want? That guy to kill you? Yeah, I mean, he just...
Nonsense. I don't know. I had this like picture. There it is. Like, I don't know. I know people like make mistakes. I don't know if I'm being naive. Like, I don't know. Well, if you grew up a dad that weaponized scripture in that way, God knows what kind of stories you've been wrestling with about how your thoughts or feelings or whatever are all your fault.
Yeah, and the last time I spoke with my husband, he said, you know, like, oh, I didn't grow up with, you know, like, I'm trying to be a good dad. I didn't grow up with a good role model. And it's like, I don't know, I'm stuck between sympathy and... You can be sympathetic to you, but you're not going to take my baby. You can be sympathetic, but you're not going to throw me to the ground and threaten to kill me.
I know millions and millions of new dads who have no idea what to do next, and they don't do that, Elizabeth. They're trying. They're screwed up, and they're goofy, and they say dumb things and do dumb things, and they try to hide on the golf course or video game. I get that. I get it. I totally get it. But hear me say, this is out of the norm. Yeah, what's strange is like, we were, sorry. No, go ahead, go ahead. We were seeing a marriage counselor, and she would,
She had known that it had been physical before, like before this happened. And she was like, she was like, you know, I'm not going to tolerate that, but I want you guys to know like what you're dealing with is normal. And like, he's repeated that back to me. I can't even tell you how many times like this is normal. Like what we're going through is normal. And I'm like, this is not like something is wrong here. She said that her husband shoving around a new pregnant wife is normal. Yeah. That it's just, she should have her license taken away. That's not normal.
It's not okay. It's not right in any shape, form, or fashion. She should have her license stripped for her. Now, if she was saying, I will not tolerate you putting your hands on them, every young couple, especially one that gets pregnant one month into their new marriage, is going to struggle with communication and figuring things out, and dad's trying to check out. That is normal. But if she's telling you, you just got to, like, hey, some guys just shove their wives around, that's not true. I mean, it's true that that happens. That is not normal. It's not right. It's not good. It's not something you just deal with.
Do you have a friend? Do you have a, I don't know, somebody you work with, somebody that could let y'all crash? I think, like, maybe my babysitter. I thought about, like, staying where I'm at and getting, like, an order of protection out and maybe filing for emergency contact, but I don't know. I think that's very, very wise.
The jail is literally like two streets over from where I live, so it's like I'm worried about him. Sure. Like just walking over. Like we've talked and he said like, oh, I won't. Like I understand if you don't want to be in the law and all of this. And he's agreed even to like divorce. That way I don't have to pay for a contested divorce. I mean, it sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad or a husband. I mean, he says he does, but he says like he doesn't.
I don't know. He just struggles. Yeah. And I've like, like I pay for his insurance, pay for all of our insurance and we get free like therapy and stuff like that. And he's not downloaded the app or anything like that. So there's no. Well, and maybe I'm trying to find a silver lining with this guy. And again, I've never talked to him.
I'd love to talk to him if he ever wants to call in. Maybe he knows I can't control myself. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if he's talking like that to you, I want to be a dad. I want to want to be a dad and a husband. I like the idea of that picture. I'm going to hurt somebody. You need to go. And if that's what he's given you, I would not fight that. I would accept that. I think that's closer to what it is. Okay.
Well, here's what I'm going to do for you, okay? I can't do a whole ton. I'm so glad that you're in counseling. Please continue to go. I want you to sit down with a counselor and tell the counselor you met with another mental health professional and that I told you to explicitly clarify. And this is you, part of you, and I know you've never been allowed to do this. So this is day one. I want you to throw your shoulders back and put your head up, put your chin out.
Look this therapist in the eye as equals y'all are both people just trying to do right in the world and I want you to look the therapist in the eye and say I had another mental health professional that I talked to told me to ask you directly When you said this is totally normal and this is just part of being a newlywed with a new kid Were you talking about communication challenges or were you talking about him shoving me to the ground? Put that person on the spot and get that clarity. Okay, my hope is
This therapist was saying, I will not tolerate violence. I'll call it in. And everybody struggles with communication challenges, right? Yeah. That's my hope. If not, if the therapist was saying, no, no, no, everybody kind of shoves around each other a little bit. That's okay. Then I want to know because I'm going to file on their license. Okay. Okay. So get that kind of clarity. If you get the clarity and it's what I'm saying, I'm hoping it is, then you can continue to stay there. But I want you to get some very clear clarity.
I want to talk through what being safe looks like. What's a safety plan is the words we use in the biz. I want to develop a safety plan. Okay. Okay. That's number one. Number two, here's a couple of things I'm going to give you. All right. I'm going to give you my buddy, Ken Coleman's book. It also has an assessment in there for what kind of jobs, what kind of careers do I want? And I want you to do take that assessment and read that book. It's really, really short. And again,
It might give you opportunities and ideas for life beyond just the factory. Okay? Okay. Thank you. I'm also going to send you Financial Peace University. All nine lessons. It's digital. You can watch them at home by yourself. And I'm guessing nobody ever taught you about money and how it works and taking care of it and how to save it and how to all that. I want you to do that. And I'm going to give it to you for free. And I just want you to watch those videos at home by yourself. And I want you to, again, to feel yourself standing up a little bit taller. You're going to have this insight. You're going to have knowledge. You're going to have wisdom. And you're going to have a path. Okay?
The third thing, I'm going to send you the EveryDollar app for free for a year. The good one. Not the good one, but they're all good, but like the premium version. Okay? Okay. And it's going to be able to help you keep a budget and start really tracking this stuff. Okay? So you can start looking at what does economic independence look like. Okay? Okay. I'm also going to send you Building a Non-Anxious Life. If you're not a reader, that's totally cool.
but it's me giving you, here is what living a free life feels like and looks like. And there's a path out there for you too. Okay. When we come back, we're going to talk to a woman who is struggling because her husband's the fun parent and she's been stuck in the other role. We'll be right back. All right. I'm going to tell you the truth.
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Good. So I am one of the OG 17 and we are excited because next month we get to go see you at the money and relationship tour in Louisville. Oh yeah, dude. It's going to be fun, man. We're going to have a blast. I'm glad y'all are coming. That's cool. Very cool. Well, Hey, at the end of this call, hang on the line and we'll get you upgraded to VIP and you can come backstage and meet us.
Oh, that would be amazing. Thank you so much. Very cool. All right. So what's up? So I have my question and I wrote back. I wrote out some background for context. Okay, go for it. Because I get nervous. Oh, go for it. Go for it. So my question is, how can I be a more fun parent while still raising good kids? The background is, for context, I am married to an amazing guy. He's the father of both of our kids. We share the responsibilities of raising and disciplining our kiddos when need be.
But my husband is super creative when it comes to playing with the kids where I am more tightly wound and I cannot seem to relax. I've taken advice from your show. We've purchased the questions for humans, family additions, incorporated biweekly breakfast dates before school with the kiddos. I purchased books. But there are times during my one-on-ones with my kids that I feel like my body is just pulling me away and just shutting down. So I want my kids to see that I
I can also relax and be fun and not just be bad. Dude, you're awesome. Thanks. I don't feel like it some days. I know. I know. But I want you to hear what you're able to do. I mean, this is usually like five months of therapy. You're able to have a picture of who you think you want to be. And I'll challenge that picture in a second, but I love that you have one.
And you also aren't burning your husband down because he happens to be the thing that you wish you were. Because that's usually what most people do. It's easy to be like, he never did. But you're like, no, no, I'm going to be fair. He is a great husband and he's also obnoxiously fun and it drives me crazy, but I love it. Right? And you're able to feel your own body as it's doing what it's doing to try to keep you safe. And the tragedy here is it's trying to keep you safe when you are under the direct gaze of one of your kids. And we'll get into that.
But most people blame their, they just blame and blame and blame. And for you to be this self-aware is amazing. So you're awesome. That's so cool. Thank you. Good call. That tells me you've done a ton of work and introspective. We're just thinking through all this stuff. So good for you. All right. I'm going to throw a couple of questions up against the wall. Okay. Let's see what sticks. Okay. Okay. Oh, you know what? Can I throw, depending on where I think this is going to go, this could be hilarious and really awkward. Is that okay?
Totally fine. You positive? Positive. All right. Same team. I'm not trying to be weirdo, but I'm being serious. Okay. Okay. But also I'm smiling. What is, don't go into like super graphic detail, but give me a high level time. You just wowed your husband. Oh yeah.
I mean, if we were talking from his perspective, that would be every day. His comment is a lot of times that I'm a sight for sore eyes and I'm like, I don't see that. Forget his. He didn't get a vote on this one. No. You. Oh, gosh. I honestly can't pinpoint. I don't.
Like if we go out for a date night, like, you know, obviously I've been, I'll put more effort into getting dressed up and, you know, making myself look nice. So, I mean, like if we're going to pinpoint something, I could say that for sure. No, no, no. I'm talking about like, I'm going to be comically sexual and I'm going to blow his mind.
That would probably be like on a random day that I will text him like, okay, like, hey, when we get home, this is the plan for tonight. Like kids need to go to bed early. Like we've taken those cues from your show and tried to incorporate that because, you know, having two kids is hectic. Of course, of course. It's mayhem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And does he love that? Oh, he does. He plays right back with him. Cool. And when he plays back, does that light you up or does that make you start to disappear in your own body?
No, it lights me up. Okay. All right. Okay, good. Good, good, good. So, all right, that's question number one. So I know that's, you don't sound like a person like me, like at the dinner table. I'm like, hey, like, anyway, I bet our dinner conversations are very different. And I love that. Okay. No, my husband is more like you. Okay. All right. All right. So here's the second thing. What evidence do you have that you're not fun? I think it's when I can just see my kids more gravitate towards, you know,
my husband for like the fun outlet I'm more the one they come to for the conversations of like I like somebody in school or I'm having a difficulty or I'm having difficulty in school with a particular individual so I think we're both safe spaces but we've it seems like they'll gravitate more towards him for the fun and sometimes I feel like I kind of get left out
Alright, so as you're saying that, in my house, as you can imagine, I have the same dynamic. And my dream is one day my kids will be like, Dad, I super am in love with some guy or some girl. And they don't! They go to my wife! You know when they come to me? When my daughter goes, Dad, it's time for couch fight, part two. And then she attacks me on the couch and jumps off the thing and then we're in WWE. And then my son comes by and, you know, like,
He bumps me, I bump him back. And then now we're like, hey dad, you want to go fishing? Yeah, let's do that. Hey dad, you want to go wrestle in the backyard? Yeah, let's do that. Hey mom, I'm really struggling. And I'm like, hey, why don't you talk to me about this? That's what I do for a living. And they're like, yeah, whatever dad. And so I'm asking you, I would love to be in your position. So what is it about this position? Hey mom, couch fight. Now it's time. And your first thought is, oh, I don't want to mess up the cushions, right? Or hey, you have homework to do. Or hey, I don't want to mess something up.
Last night, we were watching, it was the 100 years of the Opry, right? And so they had all these old country stars, and I think I've talked on this show, my son is obsessed with 90s country. And it was just like, coming up next, Garth Brooks, coming up next, Clint Black, coming up next. And
He goes to bed pretty early. And I was like, dude, you're staying up for this one. He's like, oh yeah. And my wife's like, he's gotta go to bed. And then the next one would come up and be like, coming up next, Garth Brooks. I'm like, Hank, you gotta watch it. Anyway, it'd be like an hour and a half later. And I was like, he's gotta live. And she's like, he's gotta, right? But all three of us were laughing the whole time.
So I'm asking you, like, what is it about your role that feels sacred and holy for your kids as a, not in a religious sense, but like as a place for them to land? And you're like, no, I want this one. Can you ask me that a different way? Yeah. What is it about your kids trusting you enough with their inner world that you don't feel, you don't like that role as much as you would like to just be able to throw water balloons at them?
I think it's going back to constantly having conversations with them. You can tell me anything. I may be upset, but I'm never going to be angry. But you would rather them say, hey, mom, let's do couch fight. No, not all the time. I do like the role, but occasionally I realize that that's where dad maybe shines. I'll come home and there's boxes all over the living room and they've made a tunnel. And I'm just like,
And I'm like, that's awesome. But then I feel like, oh, I wish I could have thought of that. And that's kind of where I struggle. Where's that voice? Where's that voice come from? I would a hundred percent say it comes from my childhood of not having a presence, a parental figure who wanted to play with me. It was always like, hey, you need to go on your own and figure things out or go find friends. And so for me, I feel like I'm lacking in that area. Okay. So,
I'm not, hear me say this in like same team, okay? But this is one of those things like I heard a comedian say like, he was just making fun of like, how do you lose weight? Like diet and exercise. Like it sounds so easy, but it's like a trillion dollar industry, right? Right. The solution here is actually incredibly simple, but it only is going to work if you give yourself a ton of grace because it's going to feel awkward. Right. Okay. Okay.
Simple as this, that angst, that kind of feeling frozen. Like I feel like I'm wanting to do something fun, but I don't even know what to do. And then all of a sudden your husband comes in and everybody's wearing oven mitts and they're slapping each other with them. You're like, ah, I would have never thought of that. Right. And everyone's laughing, having fun. And you're like, oh, check it. It is you literally plotting it out. Wednesday afternoon, I'm going to have a bucket of water balloons. And when my kids, I'm going to say, hey, can y'all come outside real quick?
I'm going to have a bucket behind the door for them. And I'm just going to be on the other side of the yard. And I'm just going to start letting them have it. And it's going to feel awkward. I'm going to feel like this isn't going to work. I'm going to feel weird. I don't want to get wet. Like whatever the thing. And then here's the magic. Go try it anyway. Right.
I'm going to go buy five sticks of butter and me and my kids are going to have a butter carving contest. And whoever wins gets a bag of Kit Kats, something absurd, right? Just ridiculous. But I am going to just be ridiculous. We're going to have a mayonnaise carving contest. And like, whatever the weird thing is, it kind of, it kind of like this, like whenever you have two kids, like the old marriage adage is like, you can have sex on the calendar or you can not have it.
But the days of like y'all just winking at each other and it's like nine o'clock and you're having a beer and like, let's just like, that's over. Like you're, you got two kids running around, like everything's tired, but you still want to be together. Right. So we're gonna put on the calendar. Same here. You're practicing your way into this. And it's a matter of just giving yourself permission. And here's what I'm hoping happens. I'm hoping you begin not teach your mind because your mind knows we have to teach your body. It's still running on seven year old you technology.
That it wasn't okay to be silly. Parents, dads aren't supposed to be silly with their kids. Moms aren't silly with their kids. Moms aren't a part of the fun stuff, right? I want your body to begin to feel how fun it is and how hilarious it is. There's going to be some days you get tired and your kids, y'all are going to be making jokes and you're just going to start crying. That's okay.
Or one of your kids, y'all are going to be whapping each other with, I don't know, paper towel rolls or something, and someone's going to get hurt, and then you're instantly going to be nine again. You're not supposed to do that. That's okay. We're just practicing our way into being silly. Yeah. And on the other side, can I throw a counterweight to this whole conversation? Sure. My wife has reminded me over the 23 years of being married, I get to be silly and wild and crazy because the mental load she carries all of the time.
I didn't think about it like that. And sometimes your body may not be letting you just cut loose because it is carrying every doctor and dentist appointment and can't wear this color on this day at school, but this other kid's got to do this at school. And don't forget next week is this. There's a parent conference and braces just fell out and the dog needs to get, and then dad comes home from work and he's had, his mental load is much less.
And so it's really been helpful in my house to sit down and say, okay, let me take some of the mental load from you. And that actually like literally frees up space for creativity and excitement and fun. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Your husband can be amazing and have no idea what you're carrying. Why? Do you know who my dentist is? I don't. I have no idea. I forget every time. Every time.
And like, I can't tell you the number of times I've had to pay the extra 70 bucks for new x-rays because I went to the wrong new place. It would never have occurred to me to know like when my dentist is open and when they're not like, I don't know. I just, you know what I mean? And so on the other side, you may have your dentist, kid's dentist, like this dentist doesn't work on Mondays, but this one does. And this one's recommending braces, but I need to talk about this one with this one cavity. And he has no idea. That doesn't make him a bad guy. It makes him uninformed. No, I think you're right because I've placed myself in that role.
With being a type A personality where I have to be in control and I have to see all of, like you said, the finances and the doctor's appointments and dentist appointments that sometimes I forget that he can also carry that weight. Yes. And you know what? And he's asked. Yeah, it would be honoring to him. And that means you have to go all the way back to that nine-year-old girl and take a knee in front of her and let her know, hey, controlling every stray variable kept you safe as a kid.
It did. And I'm sorry you had to do that. But now you got a ride or die partner. We made it. We made it. I married really well. We got a gang now. Yeah. And that thing that kept me safe as a kid is making me have less joy as an adult. And I'm not going to do that. I'm not sacrificing joy with these two knuckleheaded kids. The time I had with them is too short. And then let's be real intentional about practicing being silly, right? Practicing those, all right, when they get home...
We're going to throw SpaghettiOs on each other in the backyard. I don't know what you're going to do, but just decide we're going to be silly. Hey, kids, we got some, I don't know, some old something, and we're going to cause some problems with it. Or get a couple of Zebco reels and say, we're going fishing. Do you know how to fish, mom? Nope. And we're going to figure it out. And whoever wins gets to pick where we eat on the way home or whatever's going on. But we're going to schedule silly until our bodies feel, oh, my gosh, this is so, so fun.
And it's the same way I have to schedule intentionality. I have to schedule paying attention. And I always feel how good it feels when I get something done by the deadline. It just feels amazing. Allison, you are awesome, awesome, awesome. Thank you so much for the call. Hey, when we come back, we're going to talk to a man who is pretty worried about the path his family is taking. We'll be right back.
All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
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Please, please, please, please, please hit that subscribe button or that like button or send this episode to somebody that you know is going to benefit from it. It really makes a difference in the lives of your friends and your family and your neighbors. And it puts it into the digital ecosystem that gets the show in front of more people. And then it just takes a small group of us that are decided like we're going to change the way we parent. We're going to change our marriages. We're going to change our emotional and mental health. It just takes a small group.
And there's a contagion effect, man. And it just becomes the way communities operate, and it's amazing. And so thank you so much for just taking a second to do something small like hit the subscribe button or hit the like button or whatever you got to do. Thank you so, so much. Let's go to St. Louis and talk to Dwayne. What's up, Dwayne? What's up, Dr. John? What do you got, man? How we doing? I'm doing good. Been better, but I'm doing good right now. Awesome. Thanks for the call, man. What's up? How can I help?
Absolutely. Thanks for taking my call. I just feel like the vision that my wife and I had for our life has been completely lost. I just want to know how we can start over because it seems like every time we start over, it gets derailed. And how can we get out of the downward cycle of just seems like we're waiting for the next thing to happen when we start our lives over again. Yeah.
Usually this happens when people have that kind of exciting, the first few times, especially it's kind of exciting. Like let's rebuild something new. We get to decide what's happening in our lives, but we have to live in this town or I have to keep this job or I have to, we will go to Christmas at my parents' house. Right? So some of these big pillars, we don't actually swipe the whole thing away. We swipe away chunks of it.
And so then we enter into this new world, but like the, then the, then the, the same pulls bring us right back to where we were. So tell me what, if you think of feelings like, like a dashboard in a car, what, what are you feeling that lets you know, like what's happening inside you, inside your wife, you all together that lets you know, your, your, your, this vision you have for your family's off the rails.
Uh, me mostly short-tempered angry a lot. Um, her, uh, she feels with the, the, the family that I have on, on my side, she feels just very disconnected, unseen, unheard, um,
She's not satisfied with how she's parenting the children. It feels like she's a failure all the time. It feels like she's not doing the right things. And partially, you know, that would be the question. I travel, so I'm gone 10 months out of the year. Whoa. Okay. And they travel with me about 75% of the time, maybe more, depending on where I'm at. We have an RV that they stay with us, so homeschooled.
Um, so there's a lot of moving parts. She's had a lot of, uh, trials in the past. We have, it's, we've, you know, moved her dad onto the property. He wound up committing suicide on the, on our property. Um, we've had, uh, uh,
And very various... My child, oldest child was diagnosed with autism. We moved to Colorado to get ABA therapy. Stayed there for three years, moved back. There's just a... While she was out there house-sitting, the child that she was house-sitting for got ran over by a truck. It was...
It just seems like a lot of tragedy that seems to just reset us and we have these hopes. But a lot of it is just, you know, me being angry at the Internet, you know, and gaming and, you know, the things that I can't...
parent while I'm away. And when I come home, I try to invest in the kids and their gaming. And whenever I want to suggest something, I drag a Willie's Jeep out of my grandpa's basement. Hey, let's go work on such and such and go take it around in the go-karts, whatever, just to get them away from the computer. I just feel very deflated every time that I make a
eight-hour trip home, you know, on the weekend and I come back to work, I just feel like I just can't figure out how to map our life out to get out of what I consider a bad rut. Yeah. Man, good for you, dude. Thanks for seeing this with clear eyes and those eight-hour trips are...
Yeah. Those can be, uh, I listened to you for the other trip. God help you, man. Um, there's a lot of good podcasts out there, brother. You may want to check. Um, uh, what do you do for a living, man? Oh, welder. Okay. And do you do, you do site work? I'm assuming. Yes. Okay. Specialty welding or do you, are you doing new builds? Specialty. Okay. So that's a trap, man. Cause you make good money, don't you? Yes. Very. Um,
And we're about 30,000 from paying the house off and having all of our bills paid off. And then my goal was to like slide back and work, you know, two jobs a year instead of, you know, six. But, you know, then that cuts out on retirement and investing in insurance hours and things like that. So it feels just like I can't do one or the other. Here's the trade you're making. Okay. Yeah. Do I live a life where I'm dead in my own skin?
for some future finish line, or do I step back and truly, truly sweep the deck clean with my wife and say, what kind of life do we want to live? How does we want this home to feel when both of us walk into it? And dude, you have a mortgage with 30 grand left on it. That puts you better than 95% of America. Right. Yeah, we're paying it off this year, so. There you go. Your wife's life sounds like one, and I hear this more and more and more and more,
It's one of those things that you dream of it. I want to travel together. I'm gonna get some land. I'm gonna live on an RV. I'm in a homeschool. And the rigors of that life are exceedingly lonely and disorienting and frustrating. And then you get heartbroken that you're frustrated at your own kids. And then you start looking in the mirror and saying, oh, you're a terrible mother because you don't even want to be around your own kids. And,
And then I'm not worth having friends. And so when I do go home, it just starts in a big loop. Yeah. And you're alone. And 10 months out of the year, I'm saying this with all due respect, like you're a good provider for those kids, but you pop back in every random weekend and you are expecting them to help you feel a certain way about the choice you've made to be gone 10 months out of the year. And they can't carry that. I can't do it. It's impossible. And you drive back with that. That's that hollow feeling you're talking about when you're driving back. Yeah. Yeah.
Because you didn't feel like you thought it was going to feel. Or you're watching your kids become something or become people that you didn't never think they were going to become, but you're not there to, like, you get what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah. So let's get obnoxiously practical. How much money do you have in retirement? I can retire at 55, fairly comfortable. Are you in the union? Yeah. Okay. How old are you now? 47. Okay.
So I guess, I guess what I would ask you is like, you, you've heard that old saying, like nothing changes, nothing changes. So I think it's going to come down to you and your wife asking each other, like what's going to change. So how would, how would I do that if I would change something? Like, obviously, you know,
You know, they travel with me the majority of the time. This year has been the same majority. They travel with me 100% of the time. I said 75% of that 10 months, but depending on medical bills or medical appointments and such. So how, with my son being, you know,
Lots of medical bills and my wife, lots of therapy and consistency needed to be around the house, you know, and lots of medical bills with her also. How do I make a decent living at the same time feel like I'm providing health care and, you know, all the things without my family having to...
you know, do without in this decision that her and I would make, obviously her and I would make it together. So we would have to be okay with it. Yeah. Well, I think I want to ask a few, like, I'm not going to ask you these, but I want you to ask a few, what I would call recursive questions. Some of these things feed on themselves. So would her therapy bills and would her post-traumatic stress, which she 100% has,
Not clinically, but you know what I mean? I'm not going to do a diagnosis on the show, but she's going to have all kinds of struggles with dad and that little kid, all that kind of stuff. How much of that collapses when she's got a home with roots and a group of women she hangs out with and a small little church group and a group of people that she walks around the neighborhood with and a steady counselor? See, I tried doing that a year, two years ago. But you got to be a part of it too.
No, I did. Like, I quit my job so I could stay home for a year and start a business, and I did. It was kind of a turnkey business, and we wound up... She didn't enjoy, you know, being around the family. She was stir-crazy at the house. She didn't like any of the churches that we tried. You know, we had several churches that we went to. You know, I feel like I've tried it once, and if I try it again, you know, what's going to make a difference? Yeah, no, fair point. That's a good call-out, man. So...
So again, I'm going to ask that recursive question. You answered it. It's not going to do nothing, dude. In fact, it might make it worse. She likes being on the road. She likes being out and about. My guess is, and without ever talking to her, she's got some profound grief she's got to work through. Right. And some of that grief is often carried with parents. And dude, I've been working with young people with autism for my whole career. The shame and guilt parents carry this quote unquote, I gave this to them.
Sure, yeah. And man, some parents just get buried by that. And some parents really work hard to dig into that because that story is just not true. And you come out on the other side of it. And some of that challenge is, this isn't the picture I had. I wanted two healthy boys and this is, I got a kid with special needs and it's hard and it's frustrating and things go slower. And some of it's just about getting with the right grief therapist to sit there and work through like,
How do we slowly live into reality? This is my life. This is my life. And that's, dude, that's so hard. But she's gonna, she has to want to do that kind of healing. Yeah. I think she does. And, you know, this is the first time that she's really sat down and been consistent with, hey, I'm staying home. I gotta take care of this. You know, I gotta get better. You know, so she is trying and I'm just trying to keep up with the funding. So, so,
How much do you make a year? Uh, one 75, 200. Okay. What you just explained to me, ABA is very, very expensive. Yeah. Very expensive. Um, especially if it's not covered by insurance, which it often isn't, um, trauma and grief therapy would be 225 bucks an hour, depending on where you are. It'd be very expensive. Right. Um, you have a house that's almost paid off, I guess. I guess. Yeah. Here's what I'm asking. Um,
Sure. Could you construct a world, not where you go start a business and you end up underwater, because that might not be your thing. Business owner is very different than incredible world-class welder, and that's okay. Is there a world where you have collapsed your expenses to basically zero, and you're going to have an ego hit, and you're going to have a, I really don't have to worry about money very often, hit. But dude, I can make 100 grand as a welder in this local community. I'm the best there is.
And that pays our bills. We have no mortgage. We're here in this house. We're not going to be rich, but we're going to pay our bills. Is that a feasible thing? That's what we found out the year, year and a half that I had taken off. We do no investing. We do no moving forward on finances. We just pay the bills. And it was maddening for both of us. So here's the challenge. In some ways, your feelings...
Like this makes her feel crazy. This makes us both feel great. Your feelings have trapped y'all. Right. And you're going to have to choose because, because here's the deal. You're going to have to, it's the old cliche, but you're going to have to choose your heart. I'm going to choose to drive home every other weekend, 10 months out of the year to see my boys. Um, I talked to one dad, I'll never forget this. I talked to one dad of, of a kid with autism who's nonverbal and,
And I just asked him point blank, like, dude, what's it going to be? What's it like to know my son will never be able to say the words, I love you, dad. It was a really heavy interact conversation. It was so honoring how he answered. He's like, it's the most heartbreaking thing in the whole world, the whole wide world. And I wouldn't wish that on him, that he's frozen, that he can't tell his dad, I love you.
Right. And so you're going to have to know, I'm going to go home with that experience. And I've also increasingly over the last five to 10 years heard about how the advancements in video games has entranced a generation of young boys with autism.
Yeah. Like it is, it's, I cannot not look at that. Right. It's captured them and that's tough. And so I'm going to, I'm going to choose that. I'm going to choose to be frustrated about how we're not investing as much as we would like to. We're only going to have $2 million of retirement instead of 10, or I'm going to be frustrated about, Hey, I feel a little stir crazy in the house. We're going to go camping every other weekend, but we're going to do it as a family. That's going to be okay. Like at some point you're gonna choose to be uncomfortable. Yeah.
I'm going to choose to say, remember the good old days when I made 200 grand and now I only make 100 grand? The good old days, right? But at some point, y'all are going to have to make a choice. Otherwise, make peace with this is just our life. And you're doing what almost every man I know does, including myself, which is when I feel powerless in my own house, I do the one thing I can do to love my family, and I'm going to go work really hard and make some extra money. Right. Yeah. That's the only thing I know what I can do. That's it. I can count on. That's it.
And so I guess what I'm inviting you into is a period of sitting with your wife and exhaling and saying, I don't know what the next right move is. And that will feel terrifying for Dwayne. Yeah. Saying, I make good money at my work and I don't, I'm missing out on our boys. I'm missing out on you. Or here's all, here's our five paths we could take. All of them aren't going to feel good. So, okay, we know they're all not going to feel good. Let's move that off to the side. What's the best thing for us?
Hope that helped man. If your wife wants to call in great if you both want to call in i'd love to have you both on That'd be cool and if you can get through some of it Um and hang on the line i'm going to send you a copy of building a non-anxious life And i'm going to also send you a link to the audio book so you can listen to it on your drive and um, there's there's The six daily choices wheel. It's just the wheel for doing life man and
I wonder if you use that as a roadmap for you and your wife to begin. Let's take all the money off table. Let's take all the, let's begin to backfill these six daily choices for a non-anxious life. Let's go through these things and begin to map it out. And then if the same job is still on the table, cool. If the same town is on the table, cool. If living our land is still on the table, cool. But maybe it's not. And we're going to be okay with that because we're going to ask ourselves, how do we want our life to feel? What do we want our life to look like? And then we're going to reverse engineer from there.
Thank you, my brother. It's been an absolute honor to talk to you. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up. I have been loving red light therapy and EMF blocking gear for years. And that's why I'm super excited to tell you about my new partner, Bon Charge.
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everything go to bondcharge.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to say 15 that's b-o-n-c-h-a-r-g-e.com slash deloney and use coupon code deloney to say 15 all right we're back hey um something happened last night and i just want to tell you guys about it and this is just my little uh i don't know if this is a new segment called just a thing happened at john's house
And that could probably be a creepy thing or kind of a, Kelly's like, Ooh, not that Kelly. I just want to paint this picture for you. I'm back in meeting with this amazing therapist I meet with in Nashville and I
It's been extraordinary and I needed to take some time off and coming back. It's just been, it's been really amazing. And my wife and I for the last seven years, especially, but really especially the last two years of three years have really been over the top intentional. And by me going to get well, I've allowed my daughter's tiny little third grade body to be safe in my presence. And, um,
She's taking guitar lessons and coming home with a new Taylor Swift song every week and whatever. And she's got an amazing teacher at her little third grade. And I'm watching my daughter come back alive. And my son is 14. He's just like, God, Lee, dude, I hope I'm like him when I grow up. He's just an amazing kid. And he's all 14 and all knucklehead and all silly and all smart and kind. And thoughts on the world are both really amazing and absurd, all that stuff.
Last night, I sat by my daughter on the couch under a giant Cozy Girls blanket, and we watched Bluey. I had a handful of jelly beans that I'd grabbed, and I just reached over and put my hand over the top, and she opened her hand. I dropped a few in there, and she ate the jelly beans, and I ate the jelly beans. Then I tried to put one of the jelly beans in her ear, just being silly, and she poked me back and then turned into Couch Fight Part 19.
And we were dying laughing. And my wife was like, we gotta go to bed. And I was like, hold on. And then I'd do one more like pillow slam and she would jump on me. She'd be like, all right, good night, dad. And she'd jump on me. And then she said, good night, dad. She told all the dogs good night individually. And then my son came down and we have this awesome thing. We watched Matlock a couple of times a week, like the new Matlock. It's with Kathy Bates. It's so great, but it's fun and silly. And last night it wasn't on. And we watched the country music thing. Like I told y'all earlier.
And then we went to bed and I was reading a book in bed and my wife was fading out and going to sleep. And I got up and walked around to her side of the bed and just leaned over and kissed her on the cheek and said, I love our life. And I'm really happy about our life. It's not always going to be perfect, but I love our life right now in this little moment. And she quietly whispered as she fell asleep. I did too. And what I tell you that story, not because things are perfect or great in my house. They're for sure not. And it's taken a long time to get here. And we're just one phone call away from everything changing. Right. I know that.
But I think a lot of us are running and gunning and doing a lot of work. And the emails you'll send and the messages you send and the people I talk to all over the country. I did an event for Duke University yesterday. I just got off the phone. I'll be in Phoenix in a few weeks. Dave and I are going on tour. I meet you guys all over the country. And everybody's working so hard. And I just think it's important to pause every once in a while and say, I like my life.
Things are okay. They're not perfect, but things are good today. And maybe they're not going to be tomorrow. And yes, there's hurt and pain all over the world right now. I like my life right now. And it's good for us to exhale. It's good for us to point out the places where we got to grow, but sometimes it's good just to drop your shoulders and say, today was a good day. Today was a good one. And, um, this one, I encourage you guys, the work is worth it. You're worth the work. Your kids are worth the work. And that magic night when you can just be walking into your room, you're reading a book and you're just like, wait a minute,
Today's a good day and not forever, but right now I like my life. Thank you guys for walking with us. Love you guys. Bye.