My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
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How can I move on from my ex-husband's affair and focus on raising my child? He was engaging in an affair with a girl from work, and at that time, he moved her into our family home. Wait a minute. He moved his person he's having the affair with in y'all's house? What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.

A Texan who found himself living in Nashville for the last, golly, dude, almost half decade. How long have we been here? Seven years now? Long time. Taking your calls on your emotions, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. I just got back from Texas shooting a Chris Williamson show, Modern Wisdom, and he was super kind and super hospitable. Had a great time. It was awesome just being back in Texas.

Made me a little bit happy. Made me a little bit happy. And also, man, I love coming back to Nashville where water falls from the sky a few times a week. It's pretty great. All right, let's go out to Seattle, home of Alice in Chains, and talk to Renee. Hey, Renee, what's up? Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. What's up? So my question is, how can I move on from my ex-husband's affair and focus on raising my child? What happened? I'm so sorry.

Um, so I kind of wrote it all down. So yeah, just read it really quick. Yeah. Read it. Um, I wrote my ex and I met in 2015 through work. We dated and in 2021, we bought our house and got married in may of 2022. I found out I was pregnant around the same time. I also learned he was engaging in an affair with a girl from work who is 10 years younger than him.

Over the duration of my pregnancy, he turned into someone I didn't recognize. He was very abusive and began doing drugs and drinking heavily with this girl. Our son was born in February of 2023, and he was not super present. So I was on maternity leave, and I decided to go visit my family over here in Seattle and get some support from them.

Um, and at that time he moved her into our family home. And so I could not go back home. Wait a minute. He moved his, his person he's having the affair with in his, in y'all's house. Yeah. Well, I was gone. Oh God. Um, and then she got pregnant.

So their child was born in January of 2024. And I actually just recently found out she's pregnant again. Are you divorced officially? Yes, our divorce is finalized in December. Do you have full custody? Yes. 100%? Yes. Yeah, it's in our parenting plan that he has to get some help before he can be involved in our son's life. All right. So this is going to be a really hard thing I'm about to say to you, okay?

Okay. I want you to block them both. I want you to cut. I don't, I don't want you to know what's going on in his life with his new affair partner. It's, it's just, it's, it's going to make you insane. The courts have split y'all up. Um, you have a hundred percent custody. You never saw yourself as a single mom. And here we are. Yeah. Okay. Every time you get online, every time you hear the rumors, are y'all still working at the same place?

No, no. So I live in Seattle. They live about five hours away. And they're actually not together anymore. Of course they're not. He's just a complete and utter scumbag. Yeah. Yeah, of course they're not together. God almighty, I'm so sorry. But listen, I know this is hard, and there's a lot of things we could talk about moving forward, but this is ground zero. You can't look back. Yeah.

And unfortunately, you were with somebody, you married somebody, you bought a house with somebody, you met a human with somebody who's just as, I mean, he's a terrible guy. He lacks complete and utter character. And if you've listened to the show, you know I don't talk about people who struggle with addiction that way. This is a person who completely and utterly lacks character. Yeah. Yeah.

And so we're going to have to move forward. We're going to have to look forward. And the first step there is just owning reality. Tell me about reality. Did y'all sell that house, I'm assuming?

Um, no. So he actually stopped paying on it. So it went into foreclosure. Luckily, um, the deed, like it's only in his name. Okay. I help pay for things. Um, so that'll just hit his credit, which is fine. Um, and then, I mean, I moved over to Seattle. I have built a life for my son and I, I guess I'm just struggling in holding firm boundaries with like his family because they have, um,

and kind of dealt with the situation. There is no boundaries to hold. They don't exist. There's no boundaries. They don't exist. Okay. Okay? There's no boundaries there. If this was a situation where his mom and dad were really amazing people and they were doing what they could to be present in the life of their grandkid and they were Team Renee, that's another story. That's not the case here. Yeah. They're a part of the cancer.

Right. Right. And so your obligation, number one, is to you being well and whole. Them in your life does not help you be well and whole in any way. Number two, it is all, all focus on this little boy and giving him a good life. Because you, you know, as well as I do, it's going to be hard enough as it is. Yeah. Right. And so let's put all of our focus. You owe that other squad nothing. Right.

Okay. Okay. If they want to be a part of their grandkids life, which I really wish they would be, then it's their job to make the appropriate apologies, to be emotionally regulated, to get in the car and drive. It's their job at this point. Okay. Okay. And like I say, I mean, if you want to block them all, I'd block them all. They just don't get a vote. They don't get a vote. Okay. I know that sounds harsh, but they're burying you.

And the courts have said move on. Your psychological well-being said move on. You've got a life there. Do you have family support on your side? Oh, yeah. My family is close by, so it's nice to have them. But they're helping. They're not nutty too? No. Amazing. Okay, amazing. So can we just do something for a second? Yeah. Take as big a deep breath as you can and hold it. And I want you to take your fist and put it right in the middle of your chest.

And I want you to exhale real big and make this noise. I didn't hear it. Do it again. Do it louder. Big, big, big, deep breath. And then go. Okay. When you're off the phone, I want you to do it really loud to where it's almost a yell. Okay. Okay. I can hear your chest is so knotted up. Yeah. Okay. So hear me really carefully. This is not your fault.

That little boy won the lottery when he got you as his mama. And nobody wants to go to war with their child's father or their child's mother. And you had to to keep him safe. That makes you a good mom. Thank you. Okay. Would I wish this on anybody? No. But I want you to start reestablishing trust with Renee because you don't trust Renee anymore.

Fair? Yeah, that's fair. Yeah, you think you pick crazy men. You think you made bad decisions. You don't think you're a good mom. You think, oh my gosh, my son's going to be raised by a single mom. He deserves better. I wouldn't wish this on this little boy for anything, but you're a good mom. Thank you. Okay. Okay. Yeah. So how we're going to focus on raising this kid is we're going to look to the future. We want to make sure you're economically stable. Make sure this kid knows what love is, what it feels like.

Make sure this kid knows what boundaries are so that you're not living out of some sense of, I've got to be overly permissive because I don't ever want him to be sad. Little kids are supposed to be sad. Little kids are supposed to not like their parents every once in a while, and that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom. Yeah. Okay? And on certain nights when he's asleep and you are collapsing into bed, it's okay to

grab the sheets real tight and squeeze them and bang on the mattress because it's not supposed to be like this it's okay okay all right but i want you to block everybody they don't get a vote and if your husband gets the help he needs and gets clean and goes to a rehab program and then petitions the court and then shows up on your front door on a knee and says i'm so sorry we'll have that conversation call me back i think you you and i both know that's probably not coming

Yeah, no, I don't expect it to at all. And as your kid gets older, the conversation is, Daddy, you're like, where's my dad? Where's Daddy? He was very, very sick, and he had to go away. And we both miss him.

Yeah. I mean, we have pictures up of him with him for like the first two months he was around, but he hasn't, I mean, he's not old enough to really grasp that understanding yet, but that is definitely one thing that I'm struggling with is telling him when he's older. So I don't want to lie to him, but. It's just that he was sick and I may, man, right off the top, I, I would probably take those pictures down right now.

Okay. And when he's old enough to begin to ask questions, where's my dad? You can say, here's a picture. But daddy was very, very sick and we miss him. And there's going to be, there's going to come a time when he's mad, when you're the bad guy, that's just part of the situation that you're in. And that's where you being well, you being healthy, you being financially stable, you having a good gang around you, family, friends, all that. So that when those storms come, you can weather them.

Okay. Okay. And what we're looking for is to raise a great 25 year old man. Okay. Yeah. That's what we're looking for. And that means he's going to have to have other men in his life. So he has a picture of what good men look like. Does he have a good relationship with your dad? Oh yeah. And my, not my bio dad. I don't know my bio dad. So I think that kind of aids in this feeling that I have. It does. Yeah. Cause you're wondering what's wrong with you. Cause you got left again, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. Nothing. Okay. But yeah, he, my, my dad that's raised me since I was little, very involved in my brothers are great with him. So he definitely has those male figures in his life, which I'm very thankful for. Will you do something amazing for your brothers and your dad? Yes. Will you take them out for breakfast one morning on a Saturday? Yeah. And let them know, look your stepdad in the eye and say, okay,

Daddies aren't supposed to leave their little girls and my dad did and you stepped in and dads aren't supposed to leave their little boys and look to your brothers and look to your stepdad and say, and y'all stepped up, thank you. And I'm going to lean on you guys because I want him to know what a good man looks like. So this cycle stops here and I can't do it without you guys. Like it's easy to just kind of assume, but that kind of conversation from a single mom to her stepdad, that kind of conversation to your brothers,

will be like a tall glass of water in the desert for them. Okay? And it will give them additional purpose. Is that cool? Yes, I would love to do that for them. Okay. And then you never stop asking for help when you need it, okay? Okay. Let me tell you this, and I'm not telling you this to pour salt in a wound. I'm telling you this to give you another side, okay? Okay. When I'm on the road and I'm away from my daughter for three nights, I get to where I can't breathe. I don't sleep well. I don't exhale right.

I get grouchy. Dads are not supposed to leave their daughters. And I'm so sorry that happened to you. But that was because something was going on with your dad, not because of you. Yeah. And when I'm around, not around my son for a couple of nights, he's 14. He's tall. He smells. He's got hairy legs. And I get to where I don't breathe right. I don't sleep right if I'm not around him. Okay? Okay. Dads aren't supposed to leave their sons. And I'm sorry that your ex-husband did that to you.

And when I'm not around my wife for a few nights, man, we've had our ups and downs over the last couple of decades. But man, I don't, I just don't sleep right. I don't, I don't move through the world right. Husbands aren't supposed to leave their wives. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. Okay. But listen. Okay. My one promise. Sometimes I get things wrong on the show, but I'm always going to tell the truth. You're a good mom. And your little boy won the lottery when he got you to be his mama. Okay. I appreciate that. Okay. But you got work to do, right? Oh, yeah. All right.

You call anytime, Renee, and I'm always going to be here to take your call. And anything I can do, let me know. But let's get to blocking folks today. They don't need explanations. They don't need any of that. They don't need Facebook, Instagram, all that stuff. No more taking grenades from a family that just wants to throw grenades. We're done with that. We're going to start looking forward with the family we got. We're going to create an amazing world for you and for that little boy. You, my friend, are worth being loved, and you're worth the work. So is that little boy.

Blessings to you, Renee. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks. Let's talk about Organifi. There's a lot of talk these days about the ingredients in what we eat and what we drink. I hear all this stuff about food dyes and the colors and the extra nasty chemicals and the pesticides. Listen, I'm not a food scientist, but I know that none of this sounds good. And this is one of the big reasons why I love Organifi. I trust their ingredients for me and for my kids. I don't have to worry about anything.

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All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe and like the show. Man, please just take 30 seconds and hit the subscribe button or roll off and do a quick five-star review. It makes such a major, major difference for everybody involved. It really helps the show. If just a percentage of you would do that, man, it would send the show through the stratosphere, and I'd be so, so grateful. Thank you so much. And don't forget, tonight I'm in Atlanta.

Can't wait to be there at the beautiful Fox Theater. And it's going to be incredible. The show's been going awesome. And I'm going to be there with my friend Dave Ramsey. And Phoenix, May 5th. Fort Worth, May 7th. Kansas City, May 9th. Get your tickets at ramsaysolutions.com slash tour.

It is wheels off a blast, a total blast. This show live plus a whole bunch of other craziness. So can't wait to see you guys. All right, let's go to Memphis, Tennessee and talk to Bonita. What's up Bonita? Hi, how are you? I'm doing fantastic. How about you? I'm doing pretty good. Awesome. What's going on? Um,

Oh, just here today, I guess, talking about, it seemed like, ooh, it seemed like an embarrassing topic, but, you know, I've had issues with my husband. Tell me about it. Trying to get him to, goodness, I'm sorry. I'm trying to get him to have more, you know, in...

intimate very intimate um I'm just saying I just wanted I want him to have sex with me more often more sex there you go okay yeah let's just put it out on the table that's the best way to do it all right yeah so how long you've been married um a few months about four months we got married in November okay November how long y'all been together

Uh, somewhat four years, five years, like a breakup in between, but we met in college and then, you know, we finished college and then we had a long distance relationship. And then after we finally got settled down, got a place and some cars and jobs, then, you know, we got married. Okay. So, um, is this new?

Or has he always been sexually avoidant? Or is this, does this just pop up after you got married? Or did y'all wait to have sex before you got married? And then all of a sudden, tell me about the trajectory here.

Well, it's always been our objective to wait until we were married. We did mess up a little bit at the beginning of our relationship. And then, you know, we stopped and we were like, you know, we want to wait. So about three years after, before we got married, we didn't do anything. And now we're married and it's almost like... You're ready to rock it on to the break of dawn and it's not happening, huh?

Yeah. So when you've talked to him, what does he say? I mean, he says that, you know, he would like to or whatever. And he, cause he, you know, tells me I'm beautiful and stuff, all that. And he loves to do this and that, but then he does it. Um, does he, does he push you away?

Not like physically, like he'll hold me and touch me and stuff like that. But when it comes to actually doing it, it's rare. Like at first, when I first asked about, you know, this call, we didn't.

um, really do it. Now, since then it's been, you know, a few, a handful of times, but that's out of like four months or so. And I was like, is this normal? Or I didn't know. Is he struggling with, is he struggling with erections? He's struggling with erectile dysfunction. No. Okay. Hmm. Hmm. So he's affectionate and loving just when it comes to the act. I mean, like,

Like without being, I don't want you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, okay? But I'm trying to get to, I'm trying to paint me a picture in my mind of he's affectionate, y'all are hugging, y'all are touching, you start kissing, and then you think, all right, it's on.

And then what happens? Does he just get up and leave? Does he go outside? Does he get on the phone? Like, what does he do? Well, he prefers, honestly, when we get to that point, he usually would say, well, I'm not in the mood. And he prefers to honestly hop on his game. You know, sometimes when we do do it, he goes as far as, you know, what he kind of wants to do. And he might touch me here or there. But other than that,

Other than that is what he's feeling or what he wants. And then I'm done or I'm tired. And that's still the very few cases because he just. So he gets off and then he just leaves you hanging and then he's off playing his video games. Yeah. Yeah. If he does it. Yeah. Yeah.

So no, it's not normal. And I don't put a, I'm really reluctant. In fact, I will never give somebody the data on what's normal. Like how much sex is, should a couple be having each week? And like some people have it every day. Some people have it twice a day. Some people have it twice a month. What's important is, is that both people talk about it.

And there is some give and there is some take and there is some, there's all kinds of support and all that kind of stuff. But when it comes down to it, it is what we both need and what, and more importantly, what do we both want? And what's concerning for me is I'm hoping that you've been really direct with him. Like y'all have been out on a date, y'all been having dinner together and you say, Hey, we've got to talk about this. What's going on. And I'm trusting that you've had that. Have you been pretty direct with him?

Yeah. Okay. Well, at this point, yeah, because it's, yeah. Okay. So something else is going on and it would be a fool's errand for me to try to just guess. I can put some things out there. He could have some pretty significant psychological hangups. He may have had abuse as a kid. He may have had, sex was so, he came from a household where sex was so

shameful that just flipping that switch as a married man it's just he can't do it um he may be one of the um what i would call the sexless generation that just grew up with with that light switch completely off and spent their whole life on video games did not hold hands and didn't try to kiss girls in high school and college i think it's which i think is healthy and all of a sudden

There's been what I would call it. I don't want to overstate it. An impotence epidemic. 18 to 25 year olds who can't get it up. But because they've, for lack of better terms, they've blown out the hedonic sensor in their mind. Right. And so I don't know what his background with pornography use, with OnlyFans. I don't know. And it may be as far as.

He needs to get his testosterone checked or he's struggling with attraction to you. He's gay. There's a thousand different things that might be the case. Okay. But what's important is you keep going. Go ahead. So I threw a bunch of stuff out there. Tell me what you think.

Well, I'm glad you mentioned those things because he did go through foster care for a little bit when he was growing up. And I thought it was kind of ironic that you mentioned it because I honestly was sexually abused for a long time while I was growing up by my own father. I'm sorry. Can I just stop you for a second? I'm sorry. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, it happens, unfortunately. No, no, no. I know. I know. But hold on. That's a big, gnarly deal. And I'm sorry.

Oh, oh, thanks. That's not supposed to happen. Well, yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, I had to find that out. Jeez, I'm sorry. I'm glad I found it out, though. I'm sorry. Oh, it's fine. It's not. It's not fine. Don't say that. It's not fine. Oh, well, not. Well, yeah, yeah, but. But here we are. Okay. All right. I don't want to derail us, but I just want to always pause for a second when I hear that and just let somebody know I hear you and I see you and I'm sorry.

Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah. So you're talking about him. Did he experience a real rough go at it too as a kid? Somewhat. His parents did have to get a divorce and then his father had to fight for custody because they were more willing to give him to his mother instead of his father. But his mother wasn't the best parent at that time.

at the time and he ended up going from home to home for a little second and um some of the people weren't the best or even as a child tried to force him to drink alcohol for like you know because they thought it was funny to see the reaction of a child drink alcohol but he got out of that thank god and his father got him back full custody and he raised him from that point so um

That was good. Here's what's important. Here's what's important. You have a new marriage and let's draw some real firm boundaries right now. And boundary number one is, well, actually I'm not going to use the word boundaries. Let's come up with some very firm game plans moving forward for the rest of your marriage.

I've been married, gosh, 23 years now. And I've been with, I was with her five years before that. And we've had big ups and we've had big downs. Okay. That's just part of being married. We're on the roller coaster. But the thing that we had to develop, my wife and I had to develop out of necessity, right, to make sure we could stay together was...

When we get a part on an issue, that we have a way to come to the table and talk about it and be honest and both of us love each other enough to go get the help we need if we need it. Okay. Okay? And so if he looks at you and says, I don't love you enough to stop playing video games.

I don't love you enough to go talk to a counselor about the fact that I'm attracted to this, to my wife. I love my wife, but I have no interest in pleasing her in the bedroom. None. He's got to go see somebody if he would rather look at pornography and by himself than be with his wife.

Or he might find himself completely asexual. That's an increasing trend, not because people aren't innately sexual, but because there's so many distractions and so many other things just handing out free dopamine in our lives, especially in our childhoods that come all the way up to adulthood that just makes it hard. And it's really – I mean –

I'm just speaking from experience. I can't imagine a more embarrassing thing than being a 25-year-old guy who finds himself not wanting to have sex with his wife, who kind of wants to, but he doesn't want to want to, and having to go talk to somebody. That's an embarrassing thing, but he needs to love you that much. You're worth that, and so is he. Okay. Okay? The bigger issue here beneath the sex is...

This will come up with kids. This will come up with home. This will come up with jobs. This will come up with one of y'all gets a promotion and you want to, you're gonna have to move though. And do we move or not move? And all that stuff. Um, whenever you have a little girl, you're going to have, um, like a GPS pin that sets off in the middle of your chest. Cause you remember what it's like getting abused by the person who's supposed to love you most, right? You're going to find yourself hypervigilant. You're like, so everybody responds differently to life, uh,

And what's important with marriage is two people who are head over, like not head over heels, are firmly committed in a compassionate way to saying, I want to love you the best that I can. Okay. That's what we're shooting for here. And so the bigger issue is not that he's 25 and doesn't want to have sex with his wife. The bigger issue here is you've said, hey, I want you and I need you and I miss you. And he said, yeah, I'm in the middle of a Fortnite game.

Right. That's what can't happen in a marriage. Right. Do you know what I'm saying? It's a good moment to flip on. Before this dance gets entrenched, y'all been married for a few months, man, flip on every light in that house and say, I'm putting down a boundary. I don't need you to do anything, but I'm going to say what I want and what I need. And I'm going to ask you, will you please go come with me to see a marriage counselor?

Will you please come with me? And by the way, I'm going to give y'all, I know being young and married is hard and finances are tough. I'm going to give you three free months with my friends at BetterHelp. You can do it online. You don't even have to get in the car and drive anywhere. Y'all can do it at home with a computer screen and y'all can sit side by side and do couples counseling right like that. Okay. Oh, wow. Oh, thank you. With a licensed therapist. Okay.

Oh, I appreciate that a lot. Thank you. And it's probably not going to be enough. Both of y'all have come from pretty traumatic backgrounds. At some point, y'all are going to need to talk to somebody, but I know it's expensive and I know it's hard to find somebody right out of the gate, okay? Yeah. But he needs to be able to articulate, here is why I am not interested in pleasing my wife. Y'all got to put that out on the table. You're owed at least that much. And he needs to be honest with himself. Right. Okay? Yeah.

And both of you are going to have to deal with that trauma at some point. Well, yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Can I tell you something? You're not crazy? Oh, no. No, you're not crazy. Oh, okay. Wanting to be with your husband is not crazy. Oh, that's good. And wanting your husband to please you back doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to be more important than video games doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to have wheels off, peel the wallpaper off sex as a newlywed doesn't make you crazy.

Oh, okay. Okay, you're not nuts. Oh, that's good. Okay, you're a good wife. Oh, okay. And he's clearly struggling with something. So let's do this. Let's clear the table and say we got to talk about something really important and I need your full attention. No phones, no hiding, no video games, just you and me. And if we need to get out of the house, cool. And you got to say, it's going to be hard for me to hear, but I'm ready to hear it. And I won't throw a fit. And if I need to step away, I will, but I'm going to listen carefully and

We've got to talk about our physical intimacy in this marriage. And beneath that, we've got to talk about we're married and I'm already second fiddle. And by the way, he's never seen or experienced a functional marriage. He's never even seen it. He doesn't have a picture of what this looks like. So you're all going to have to be extra, extra clear with each other about here's how you can love me. Will you do it? Will you be a part of it? Thanks for the call, Benita.

Best of luck to you. And hey, if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. I'm not going to be mean. I just want to hear from him. So if he wants to call in, I'd love to hear what's going through his heart and mind and see if I can help you guys get on the same page. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

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What's up, John? Dude, thank you so much for taking my call. I just, I love you, man. I appreciate all that you do. And I have found an extraordinary amount of help through your show. So thank you for doing this. Thank you, brother. That means the world, man. Sometimes I feel like I'm just yim yamming at a camera here. So I appreciate you, man. That means the world. Thank you. You bet. What's up?

Okay, let me ask my question first, and if you want me to expound, I can expound. I would just like to know from a professional what the data is. Basically, what effect do romance novels and your wife reading them have on your marriage and your sex life? Well, is she making you wear wings and like...

fairy crowns and stuff like that. I don't know. Fairy porn and dragon porn is the new things for modern housewives. So tell me about it. What's going on? Yeah, dude. So we've been married seven years and, uh, I, my wife is my ride or die. We, we love each other. We've got a couple of kiddos that we're trying to raise and, uh, things are fantastic. As far as our sex life goes, I, I just honestly feel like,

the expectations that these romantic novels create, uh,

Um, the expectations that create are almost like impossible for me to reach. And I feel like it's having an effect, um, on our romantic life and on our sexual life, but I don't want to bring it up. Uh, and almost like accuse that of, of being a reason why I feel like, uh, she escapes to those fantasies, um, during sex instead of like staying present with me, like we used to, um,

So can you, how do you know this is happening? When y'all are sleeping together, you can, you can like feel her check out. Oh dude. Yeah. I mean, I'll just shoot you. I'll just shoot you straight. So we're like very open with that stuff. And, uh, you know, we've talked about fantasies and I feel like in some ways they've had a positive effect. And a lot of the fantasies that she has stem from, uh, like situations in these books and

And so, yeah, during sex, I can just feel her and see her go off into these fantasies mentally through her body language and so forth. And she'll even straight up say it and tell me. And while that helps her during sex, I feel like

it's divided us in a way where it used to just be like the whole world shuts down. It's her and I, you know, we communicate throughout it and now like communication is lessened. It's far more quiet, like all that stuff. And I feel like she, I don't feel like she does just kind of go to these fantasies. And I feel like,

In order for her, you know, to reach levels sexually that she wants, she has to escape to those fantasies and almost escape reality. And I just, I don't like how it makes me feel. Yeah. I don't like how it is, you know, for a sex life. And so, yeah, I could just use some help on how to talk to her about it and what the data... I know that...

you know, porn affects that, right? Like watching porn obviously affects and creates expectations that aren't realistic in sex. And I want to know if I'm crazy for trying to bridge the gap and connecting the two or, or what your thoughts are on it. No. And, and man, um, this has come up more and more and more, um, as so the old trope is men watch pornography and women read it. Okay. Right. And, um, and I guess even a further trope is men are visual. They want to see it.

and women want to participate in it. It's a creation of a world. And when you're reading, you're creating the mood, the sounds, the smells, the pictures. So you're immersed in it, right? And so I have not been able to find any data. I'm confident that it exists somewhere. I can't for the life of me believe that romance novels

Do the same things through dopamine that hardcore pornography consumption does. Okay? That's number one. But none of that matters here. Okay? I want you to read a book called Dopamine Nation by Anna Lemke. L-E-M-B-K-E. It's a modern masterpiece. Everyone should read it.

But in that book, she is a Stanford Medical School professor who is a psychiatrist who focuses on addiction. And she details in brave detail stone cold addiction to romance novel escapism and the increasing, the escalation of it.

Interesting. Okay. Okay. But here's what is the most important thing. Do I think romance novels are inherently bad? I think they're garbage, but do it. I mean, no, I'm not going to be a romance police. I read a couple of the, I forgot what they're called.

the, they're the fairy porn books. They're like, I forgot, I forgot what they're called. What are they called? Kelly? Court of something. Yeah, court of crowns and petunias and yeah, thorns and knives or whatever it is. And yeah, it's just like, it's fairy porn and there's dragon porn. I mean, there's all that stuff, right? Um,

The problem here is, and I actually, I'm glad you brought this up. I think talking about fantasies, when you don't go into graphic like, oh, I'm fantasizing about your sister, then we've got a problem with oversharing, and that's insanity. But talking about with your spouse, like, I'm kind of into this and this picture of this, that can be a really intimate, fun, like...

Kind of jealousy, kind of like, tell me more about that. Like that can be a really arousing conversation, right? No doubt. But the purpose should be to bring you together. And sometimes those conversations about fantasies become ways people covertly feel like they got permission to escape. And that's what I feel like happened to you. Yeah, I think it does. And, you know, to add a little bit more context, my wife, like she...

So we both own businesses and one of her like secondary things that she focuses on is digital minimalism. So she knows like the effects of social media stuff. She tries to stay away from it far more than I do. She's fantastic in that way. And she's not,

you know, every day hide in her closet, just indulging in these books. Sure. And I got, I got that, that, that she's created a handful of escape routes. And so to your point, yes, I do feel like since we talk about it and we're open with it, it's almost like permission to go there. And what used to be a handful of times, you know, what are you thinking about? Blah, blah, blah. Now it's like, it,

in order for our sexual experience to be complete, if you know what I'm saying. Yep, totally. She just has to go there and just totally check out. And so, yeah, you're not wrong in a sense that it's almost like created this permission, but now it's almost like what used to be a handful of times is just every time, and we've lost our personal intimate connection where we're locked into each other. So you're going to have to take the brave, bold step and put that on the table.

And doing that in a very non-sexual environment would be my recommendation. Okay. At lunch, right? Not even at dinner. Because there's sometimes an expectation that right after dinner, we're going to lead to the bedroom. Like I'm talking about at breakfast on a Sunday morning or a Saturday morning. Okay. Yeah. And you take care of the childcare and say, I got to put this on the table. And can I just applaud you, dude? Because this happens in marriages all across the country and guys don't know what to say or what to do. And so 99% of the time, they just shut up.

and their wife goes into a vortex, and the guys feel that gap, and then if you're not careful, you find yourself becoming somebody you don't want to be. Yeah. Right? Yeah, I mean, I've even found... Go ahead. I'm sorry, I was just going to say, I've even found myself, like, to connect with her, just mentally going with her to these fantasies. That's right. And I just, I don't jam with it. I know, but what's going to happen is somebody at work is going to think your jokes are hilarious, and you're going to text her back. And now we're off to the races.

Somebody at your local church is going to gently put her hand on your arm when y'all are doing something and you're going to really like that level of connection. Because you're going to go, oh, you're with me right now. Even this something innocuous is this. And now you're off to the races. You get what I'm saying? Like it just takes one little inch and you head off another direction. And otherwise it might feel kind of weird or it wouldn't be weird at all. Just friends. Suddenly it lights up connectivity. Yeah.

And it doesn't make any sense because your wife may come back and say, hey, we're having sex all the time. And it's like, yeah, but you're not with me. And so I'm no longer comfortable with indulging in these fantasies because you're leaving our bedroom. Yep. And so it's a hard conversation. Women have it all the time with husbands struggling with pornography and all that. But like, and people who've like, just let me say it this way. Imagining you're having sex with somebody else while you're with your partner is unhealthy.

Let me say it that way. Okay. Okay. Crystal clear. Yep. It's not, it's, it's, I don't know. It's a form of, uh, um, that, that to me is not fantasy. That is a form of emotional infidelity, if you will. Yeah. Agreed.

Right. And she'll, you know, she'll say again, like we're very open with it and she'll, it's never like with an individual person. It's just not like a specific person, you know, cause I've asked you like, well, what about this? Like, no, what are you talking about? Yeah, of course. Um, in certain times, like it's with me in these other settings, but I, I just,

again, the basis of it is I just feel like how I am currently. Yeah. And it's like, I'm not, I'm not good enough here. Like performance wise, emotional wise, like we're, I'm just not fulfilling it here. Yeah. Well, and, and, and again, not always. Okay. Not always, but it's often indicative of people who've been married for seven to 10 years and they got a couple of kids and they, you start feeling a little bit exhausted in your own skin and,

And instead of doubling down and what I say this all the time, and it doesn't always connect in the way I wish it would. I need to get better about coming up with new ways to say it, but it's about recreating our marriage. And what that means is we got to recreate the connectivity and it's going to look different than it did the first seven years we were together.

And so what does that look like? What does novelty look like? What does fun look like? What does flirting look like? What does play look like? All those things are going to be renegotiated and they're going to be different now. But you've got to put them on the table. And part of that is saying, I'm uncomfortable with this. And that's just hard and scary to do. It is. Or you saying, hey, it's become a major turnoff when we are having sex and I feel you disappear.

And I would say you need to check yourself on if sex is continually becoming increasingly becoming a performance. That's problematic, too. Instead of a place where you can wheels off. Does that make sense? Where instead of it totally does. Like it's not a place where we got to go perform. It's a place where we get to just go get it. Yes. Yeah. Right. World shuts off. Yeah. Just turn on. And by the way, how old are your kids?

Uh, four and one. All right. There's not going to be a ton of shut off sex right now for one or both of you. Yeah. Sometimes there's in this season you're in there's survival sex, right? There's just getting it done sex and that's okay. That's okay. Not every, not every encounter has to be the Superbowl, right? Yeah, of course. But there does need to be a, and having a one year old, I mean, y'all are still coming out of it, right? Yeah.

Yeah, he's like 18 months, but yes, we are definitely still coming out of it. So I think this is an amazing time to just kind of resettle it and reimagine it. Okay. Okay. So you would lay stuff out, and then the next conversation is how do we rebuild this thing? Well, and rebuild can sound dramatic. So maybe I wouldn't use rebuild here unless she says I'm not interested in trying to –

Have orgasms without thinking I'm in a castle somewhere with some dragons and I don't know what she's doing, right? Or with Fabio all oiled up with long hair. I don't know what's in her head, but I'm not interested in what you just told me. The fact that you feel unsafe or the fact that you feel disconnected, I don't care. I'm going to do what I got to do to get off. Y'all have bigger issues. I don't think that's the case here.

I don't either. I think the case here is that just a step became a step became a step. And as a full-time working mom who also has a one-year-old or an 18-month-old, man, just escaping from everything, including this guy I love and just going to another planet for a few minutes, I get how you end up there. So it's not drinking the haterade. It's just saying, hey, I don't like this. I feel like you're disappearing. What can we do together to

to reimagine our intimacy life, our sex life. And by the way, bro, most of this is going to be outside of the bedroom. It's going to be, how do we, I want you and your wife get a book. Y'all definitely read on a Lemke's book, but get, I just lost it. Emily Nagatsuki's book. Come as you are. Y'all read that book together. Come as you are. Okay. And there will be some, Oh,

Awkward times when you're reading it together. Big time. And mainly because most women have never thought of many of these conversations that she brings up and some of the things she asks people to do, but especially men haven't. But it's a new way to talk about the gas pedals and the brakes and what does romance feel like and what does intimacy feel like? How do we create a sex life that one of us doesn't have to escape from?

Cool. That's great. And this is all same team language. This is not me versus you language. And maybe you go first by saying, hey, I'm finding myself more and more and more entering into being intimate with you as a show, as a performance. And I just want to be with you. And that way you're taking, you're walking in with your blocks. You're not walking in and saying, hey, you're doing this, right? Yep. Yep.

Okay. And you get to say, hey, I'm uncomfortable with where we're headed and I want to do something different. And just have a little bit of space if she says, I don't want to. And then y'all got to deal with that. That would shock me, but okay. Yeah, I don't think it is. I just always tell everybody, man, just hold a little sliver, right? Yeah, yeah, and I appreciate that. My guess is, my honest guess is she doesn't super love it either. Okay.

And often, especially new parents find themselves in these loops and she wants you, she wants to, like, she loves the release of a good orgasm. She wants you to feel good about yourself. She, like, and you just find yourself in this loop and,

And sometimes we think we're like helping out and actually we're, we're increasing the disconnection a little bit more, a little bit more, a little bit more, but bro, thank you so, so, so much for the call. Um, this conversation, I'm confident it's going to help a whole bunch of people. And it's because you did something that most modern men won't do is you said, uh, Hey, can I get your thought on this? So thank you for, um, going first and being brave on this one, brother. You're gonna help a bunch of people. Thanks, man. We'll be right back.

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All right, we are back. Let's go to Kelly, the overlord. And she says, am I the problem? What do you think? All right, so this is from Jake in Denver. You've been throwing some grenades with these am I the problems lately. Yeah, it's like I drop the grenade and then I just sit back and watch you try to get out of it. It's fun. All right, let's do it. All right, he writes, I'd like to preface this by saying I'm two weeks sober from alcohol after an eight-year addiction. My wife agreed to stop drinking with me even though she does not have a problem.

Yesterday was her birthday, so we went out to dinner, and I told her that she could drink and that I would be fine without it. We stopped by a liquor store, and she came out with a pint of vodka, much to my surprise. Dinner was great, but once we got home, she drank the entire thing and was slurring, plus she fell over twice. We've been having issues in the bedroom, so we had plans to change that after dinner. After all of this unfolded, I wasn't in the mood anymore. And I feel resentment towards her for getting that drunk. Am I the problem? No.

That was super uncompassionate and not cool. Yeah. Yeah. I hate that for you, brother. No, because, man, I don't want to blow it. I watched a comedy special this weekend and it's not for everybody. But at the end of it, man, I was I was sobbing. Box of Kleenex. It was one of the best performances I've ever seen. Yeah.

But he, the guy goes to his wife and says, I'm so sorry that I've got this problem. And she said, no, no, no, no, no, no. We have this problem and we're going to solve it. And dude, I just lost it. It was so amazing. But when somebody decides they're going to get sober in a marriage relationship, it is both of y'all working together.

And you can't get sober for somebody. You can't make them get sober, whatever. But you cannot get hammered and wasted and stop by a liquor store. So, yeah. No, you're not the problem, brother. In fact, keep on keeping on, man. And keep going to meetings and keep staying strong. But, yeah, I hate that for you. Man, that's tough. That's tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. If you're married, man, and somebody says, hey, I want to get healthy. I want to start exercising. I want to start eating healthier. I want to stop drinking, whatever.

Just swallow your ego and your pride and say, ride or die, man. Like, is it going to be uncomfortable? Yes. Is it your fault? No. But good God almighty, dude. Like, just ride together, man. Nothing has made me feel more loved over the years than when my wife is like at the beginning of the month when she goes to the grocery store. She's like, all right, what kind of diet are we this month, dude? Right? Are we keto? Are we like whatever? Like, it just makes me feel like she's in this with me even to the point that or I find like crap.

crackers or bread in her office where she's like, I'm eating crackers, but I'm not going to, I'm not going to put my husband in a position where he's going to eat the whole box and whatever. So man, um, yeah, not the problem, brother. And, uh, stay strong, stay strong. Yeah. Does that sound good?

Oh, I 100% agree. Yeah. I do need some more Am I the Problems? So please send those to John. Send them in. JohnDeloney.com slash ask. Ask and put Am I the Problem in the headline. Yeah, put it right at the top of the question. There's not a place for a subject, so put it right at the top of the question. Awesome. Send them in. All right, come see us live, and don't forget to hit all the Internet's buttons. Love you guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.