Shownotes Transcript
Why don't you think you're wonderful, Marie?
What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your marriages and your relationships and your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. For the last two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move for
That's what this show is all about. Real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz, dude. I'd love to have you on the show. Actually, fill out on the internets. Go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Evidently, the toll-free number is giving people some head tilts because you guys weren't around when toll-free numbers existed. So go to johndeloney.com slash ask. A-S-K. Fill out the form on the interwebs and...
It'll go into Kelly and Taylor's inbox, and then Kelly will make the ultimate decision. And if you hear it in my voice, dude, I'm coming off of being so sick. I've been this sick since, I don't know, since I was a kid maybe, man. Gnarly Marley flu.
So I am... Yeah, I had it two weeks ago and it was rough. I know. I was going to wait until I got in front of everybody to say thank you for giving me that. I'm really grateful. I did not give you the flu. Pretty sure. I mean, like half our sales team is down with it. There are so many people down with it. It was wild in the streets, man. But I'm slowly coming back. Slowly but surely. But dang, Gina. Struggling. It's all right, though. Right? I've got your shining face looking right at me, Kelly. That...
We're just glad you're feeling better. Yesterday wasn't great when you came in. Yeah, it wasn't great. But today, and we're back. Let's go out to Kona, Hawaii and talk to dear Marie, my favorite John Mayer song. What's up, Marie?
Hi, Dr. John. My question for you today is, gosh, just dealing with the, I guess, memories and like consequences and just struggles of my past and coming into a new marriage with a wonderful man. Yeah, it's just been, it's been hard and I'm just wanting to fully enjoy him. But having that
that past and kind of thinking I had, you know, gotten through it and left it and was, um, yeah, moved, moved through it. But then you like bring a new person into your life and, um, yeah, it's just been, it's been hard. Yeah. Well, thanks for calling. Tell me about yourself a little bit. Yeah. Um, I'm 28 and my husband and I met, um,
only a year ago. But we are both believers. And so just right away, we knew that like, this was the person God had been preparing us for. Believers like Christian faith believers? Yeah. Okay. Sorry. No, it's okay. I'm really choked up. No, you're good. Take a second. Take a second, man. There's no rush. Okay. We're all good. Yeah. I guess just, yeah, I mean,
My past is a lot more checkered with just a lot of different strings of relationships and kind of like finding my home in whoever I would be dating. And my husband's wonderful. He waited for his wife. And so that's been such a blessing, but also just wishing I had had that to offer to him too.
And I did share like upfront, like I was like, this is everything. And I wanted to be like fully known by him. And I guess also like there's an element that I feel like I wish I didn't like take him from someone better, you know? And I don't know why that's,
That's the thing, because we're so happy together, truly. Like, he's wonderful. Why don't you think you're wonderful, Murray? That's a really incredible word. And your husband had a set of values before he got married, and he clinged tightly to those values, right? And I'm happy for him. And I think that's wonderful.
I think you're wonderful too. And you didn't have that same ecosystem and you didn't have that same structure and you didn't have those same values beforehand. Yeah. And now you do. Tell me why you don't think you're wonderful.
I guess, I mean, I guess I, I guess I think I am, you know, I have like, gosh, you just, I just go back and forth. I'm like, I wish I knew better. Like, I don't know. I just feel like I was like, my brain wasn't even there until I was 25, you know? Nobody's brain is there before they're 25. Nobody's brain is. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
I know I have a lot to offer him and I just like, I kind of, it's just more, I think it's just like the memories, you know, like those are going to be there no matter what. Yeah. Um, what, um, I'm interested in something you said. It's really, it's really powerful that you were somebody who got really lost in relationships. Tell me about that. Yeah. Um,
I have wonderful parents, but it was just a really stressful home. They were trying to do what's best for me, and they kicked me out of the house at 18. I mean, they still supported me in other ways, but I just kind of felt like I had to find somewhere. You're saying several conflicting things. Do me a favor. Oh, okay. Do me a huge favor, okay? Are you on a cell phone right now?
Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So I want you to imagine, close your eyes real quick and imagine you're taking off like a helmet. Okay. Just imagine you're taking it off and sitting it on the table next to you. Okay. That helmet was everything's okay. Everything's okay. Everything's okay. Because that's been the phrase and statement that's got you through your entire life. Is that right? Yeah. Okay. Okay.
Right this very second, everything's not okay. And that is okay. So with just you and just with me, that everything, everything, everything, everything's okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. That helmet's off. Yeah. Tell me about growing up.
Just a really stressed out family. Okay. I don't have like a ton of memories of it, but my sister is older than me and she, you know, she held a lot of anger and then of what she went through. And I think I just blocked it out mostly. So what I remember of the stress is from like secondhand from her telling me. But that stress is encoded in your nervous system.
Yeah. Okay. Now, I would tell any young girl, any young girl to be careful about sexual exploitation, okay? And there's not one bit of that story that surprises me that some guy looked at you and held you tight and said, no, no, no, I'm safe. And your body went, oh, thank God.
And then when you found out that guy was a creep, that you found somebody else who, at least for a short minute, would say, no, no, no, no, with me, you're safe. Yeah. Right? Yeah. So I would never, I wouldn't recommend somebody take that path, but I wouldn't blame somebody for it either. Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. So exhale for a second. And I want you to hear the words that I'm saying really clearly. You did what you had to do to survive. And you're here.
Do you hear me? Yes. Okay. Now tell me about this knuckleheaded boy you married. He's awesome. He's kind of a redneck. He works on cars and he comes from a really good family. He's got a twin sister who loves him and his whole family is just wonderful. And I mean, he's...
In the military and he works on airplanes and he loves me. And I do think it's the first time I've actually felt safe. I know you use that word for the other relationships, but... Oh, they were all pretend safe. That's right. You're exactly right. You nailed it. They were all pretend safe. Yeah. Yeah. But just meeting him, I knew that he really...
Sounds cheesy, but really saw me. Does he lie to you? No. Okay, so here's the thing. In the moments you don't believe yourself, I want you to believe him. Okay? Yeah. In the moments, those fleeting moments when those old memories pop back in your head of things you did, people you were with, when they pop back in your head, you have a choice. Do I want to meditate on that? Do I want to think about it? Do I want to fantasize about it? And by the way,
Like, let's just be super honest. There was probably some excitement and some fun and some rambunctiousness back then that probably a part of you misses. Is that fair? No, I don't think so. I don't think I miss it. I want it to stop coming through my head. Okay, that's, man, amazing. That's awesome. I love being wrong on that. So when lightning bolts in your head, here's the two things. I want you to exhale, and I want you to know you've got a choice about what you think about next, but you have to have something ready.
Okay. Will you keep a small picture of you and him together or a picture of him all grimy working on a car? I don't know what you think is hot. I don't know. Yeah, that's it. But like, will you keep a picture in your back pocket or on your phone? And when one of those lightning bolts pops in your head, you just exhale a second and you stop and focus on him. Okay.
And here's the deal. Over time, those lightning bolts will get fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer. And also, I want you to begin carrying around a small journal where you begin to write down those awful thoughts you have about yourself because you talk about yourself in a way that you would punch somebody through a wall if they talked about someone else, right? Yeah. Yeah. Don't talk to my friend Marie that way. Don't talk to your husband's amazing wife that way. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
You survived. You're here. Yeah. And so here's the deal. I want you to write those down. Those times you think he doesn't deserve me. I'm keeping him from another more special woman. I want you to write that down. Get that sentence out of your body. And if you want to be extra brave, tell your husband as a part of being married to me and a part of my healing, I want to begin to love myself as much as you love me. I feel how much you love me. And sometimes I don't even get it. It doesn't even make sense, but I want to try.
And so maybe once a week, I'm going to read you four or five or seven crazy thoughts that popped in my head. And I just want you to answer yes or no. We hold my hands when I read them. I took you from some other more amazing woman than me. He's going to laugh at you with his redneck hee haw and whatever. You're crazy. Next one. Right? Yeah. And how gangster are you feeling right now?
50%? 50% gangster, that's enough for me. How old are you? I'm 28. Close your eyes. Okay. I want you to picture 19-year-old Marie standing right in front of you. What's she wearing? I don't know, probably like a swim cover-up going to the beach. Okay. What color is her hair? Blonder than now. Okay. Long, short? Long. Okay. And you catch her just before she runs out the back door?
i want you to imagine yourself walking over to her and giving her a huge hug and tell her that you're sorry that parents didn't show up and you're sorry the house is so chaotic her body has chosen to not remember it and that you're going to do what you have to survive but when you're 28 years old you're going to meet an amazing man that's going to provide some stability and he's going to have an amazing family by the way not perfect you're going to find out they're crazy too every family is crazy in it but they're going to love you recklessly right
Is that right, Marie? Yeah. Yeah. Tell her to wait for it. To try to be patient. No, don't tell her that. Don't tell her that. We're just going to tell her we love her. Okay. And then it works out. You can't change what happened. That's the thing. Worrying about what happened, being angry about what happened, there's a period at the end of that sentence. The only thing you can do is write a new sentence. That's it. And so all your energy can be spent on saying, nope, not going back there. I've got this here now. Okay.
And me and Hillbilly, we're building something amazing together. Do you get what I'm saying? He chose you. He chose you. That tells me you're worth being chosen. He may be wonderful, but I think you're wonderful too. Okay? Okay. Today we choose forgiveness for Maria. Sit down the struggles of a 22-year-old and a 26-year-old and a 27-year-old, what she did to survive. She's here. And now we're going to start living for tomorrow.
For today, actually, for today. And we're gonna start building something for tomorrow. And by the way, this won't happen over a weekend. It's gonna take time to forgive yourself, to practice, to catch yourself in bad habits. Those lightning bolts will pop in your head. Some days when you're tired and you've had too much junk food, they'll really hang around. You're gonna keep working on it. You're gonna keep working on it because you are worth being loved. It's been an honor to talk to you, my friend Marie. Thank you so much for calling. We'll be right back.
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- How you doing, Doggy Ron? - I'm good, brother. What's up in your world? - A lot of chaos. - A lot of chaos, man. Well, how can I help? - Well, my question is, how can I find my passion and turn it into a career while also supporting my family and my six-month-old baby? - How old are you? - I am 35. - 35, yeah. I guess I don't put a lot of stock in quote-unquote finding your passion.
Tell me what's beneath the question. What's been going on in your world? I've just realized that I keep finding dead-end jobs, meaningless jobs that I just want to find something that I could possibly enjoy doing for the next 30 years and also being able to be home and provide for my family. Hmm.
Well, I guess first off, I would throw out any notion that you're going to have a single job for the next 30 years. We're about to go through or we're going through one of the most significant upheavals in work history and human civilization. So I wouldn't count on like the next 30 years. Often when people ask me the question you're asking me when I'm out on the road, it comes from a different place. And that is...
You're trying to find a place that you can go, a thing that you can do that will make you feel like you're finally worthy or finally have some sort of purpose in the world. Does that sound right? That's correct. So tell me, since you've been 21, that's the last 14 years, bouncing around from job to job to job, have you increasingly found yourself just not liking Rome? Not liking the guy you see in the mirror? Um...
Yes and no. Um, I think to, to dig a little deeper, I think, uh, basically growing up. Um, so my, essentially my, uh, my parents, uh, moved over here to the United States from another country. Um, then growing up myself, I kind of was limited. If that makes any sense to certain things growing up as a child, you know, and, uh,
I kind of, how can I say it? I kind of envisioned a lot of closed doors in front of me. And once the opportunity came where, you know, those doors opened up slightly, I, you know, started thinking, okay, what's something that I could probably enjoy or do?
I pursued it, ended up not, I guess, choosing the wrong thing, basically jumping around from job to job. I changed careers multiple times. I'm at one now where I'm just realizing that it's probably not going to be for me. It does pay well, but it's not something I see myself doing long term. What do you see yourself doing long term?
I don't know honestly I don't I feel I feel like I'm stuck I think that's the problem that you keep taking these new jobs these great opportunities and you keep going with you like you become the common denominator here and you have a six-month-old baby you're working a job you don't love it but it's it makes good money it's paying for the bills are you married yes okay so is it covering the bills in your house taking care of your family it is brother that's noble
Like, exhale on that. It's not your passion. Great. Like, people who tell you to go find your passion, man, they're snake oil salesmen. Most people become passionate about what they're really good at. And you get really good at something by doing it over and over and over again. And that means you fail a lot. People make you do it. You show up because you get arbitrary deadlines. Right? So it's a process. Mm-hmm.
But you're apart. You're 35 years old, man. You were the students in college when I was a professor and a dean of students. Like, you guys were told that it would feel a certain way when you got there, and they lied to you, man. My generation, we lied to you, and I'm sorry on behalf of everybody. It still is every day you wake up, and it's really hard.
Yeah, and there's still days I wake up and dude, I don't like it's this job that i'm in right now I'm as passionate about helping people as i've always been there's days. It's really hard man And then in two days i'm gonna i've been sick for the whole week and i've got to get these shows in we got to cut ads and then I got to get on a plane and fly to austin for an interview and then that night fly to phoenix To speak to 80 000 like it just doesn't stop right? So i'm passionate about it and
It's a grind. And so I tell you that to tell you, like, finding the thing you're good at just means showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and deciding I'm going to get better and better at this thing. But that usually means you got to decide that you're worth showing up for over and over again. And I don't know that you believe that. I think one of the things that stuck out when I was with this job is it's very physically demanding. Mm-hmm.
And that's one of the reasons why I know it's something I can't do long-term just because I'm slightly starting to feel it on my body and I just, I don't want to be, you know, hurting in the long run. Okay. Do you go to the gym? Do you exercise? I was going pretty frequently. Once the baby was born, you know, that changed things a little bit. Sure. And, yeah.
I just got to the point where I felt like I was overworking my body with going to the gym and also my job. It just became too much, I think, physically. So I'm going to hook you up with my friend. My friend Ken Coleman's got a career assessment. I want you to take it, okay? So I'm going to give it to you for free, okay? And it comes with a book. I'll send you all that stuff for free, okay? It's called Work Your Wire to Do. I'll send you all that, and you can take the inventory. The bigger thing is beneath all of that.
Do you like being a dad? I love it. It's the best thing ever, honestly. Do you like being a husband? I do, yes. I have an amazing wife. Okay. Does she work? Yes. Okay. I would love to see you stick at something for a season and just make a commitment to yourselves, I'm not going to quit for two years. I'm going to grind it out or I'm going to do this job and I'm going to take a side hustle job too. And I'm going to begin to get my fingers and toes wet in a lot of different things.
But I think if you were to quit this job and to go start a new job within six months, you would find a reason why this job wasn't going to be quote unquote your long-term job because you don't have a vision even for what that long-term job is because you don't have a vision for what it looks like to look in the mirror and just be happy with Rome. And so everything you're chasing is always going to be out there, out there, out there, out there. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm out to lunch, man. I'm okay if I'm completely missing the mark here. No, I think you're pretty spot on. Okay. Did somebody tell you?
You weren't enough? No, not necessarily. I just, I think growing up, I never had any form of guidance, I guess you'd say. Okay. I was just kind of figuring life out as I went along. Yeah. Your parents were just hustling and hustling? Yeah. Yeah, they were always working growing up. Yeah. It's tough. It's tough. And I know their life was tough too, man. Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough.
So will you do me a favor? At your job site now, are you throwing boxes? What are you doing? Give me a vague picture. A vague picture. I work in beverage, delivering beverages to stores, restaurants. Okay, okay. Groceries. Yeah, so it's basically breaking down pallets worth of product and moving it along as I go. Okay. It's very physically demanding. There you go.
Do you like the beverage industry or do you like the grocery stores that you, that you deliver to or to the bars that you roll into? Um, some yes, some no. Okay. So maybe sitting down with, um, asking for five minutes or 15 minutes or grab a quick cup, cup of coffee with an assistant store manager who sees you in your uniform working and you have a great attitude when you work and you go in there and you're always working and working and you sit down and ask, ask for 10 minutes of his time. Um,
and grab him a cup of coffee and say, I'll pay for it, even though it's his grocery store. You say, hey, can I pick your brain for 10 minutes? What's it like being a manager of a grocery store? Because I'm interested in this industry, but I might trade. I might be looking to shift, and I just want to have a conversation with somebody about that. Or if you like walking into a bar in the morning in the light, and it's smoky, and somebody's sweeping it up, you think, man, this would be a fun life.
Um, we'll sit down and talk to the owner or uh, you know, you're dropping I don't know food off or dropping drinks off at a local gym But it's just about sitting down with somebody and saying hey tell me about the life of this job of this career Um, you're right running running drinks running beverage is tough. It's tough It beats up your hips and your and your knees over time You can also make some good money and you can hustle hustle hustle, man um
But it's just about saying what taking that next step. But also here's the thing. Um, I really want to encourage you. Um, in fact, hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with Ken Coleman's book, um, the work you're wired to do. And, um, I'm going to hook you up with, um, my friends at better help. I want you to talk to a counselor. I want you to talk to a counselor because there's something in your affect and there's something in your story that I'm missing. Um,
But I think it's weighing heavy on you because wherever you're going, you keep going with you. And until you're okay with you, it's going to make showing up anywhere that much harder. Okay? So hang on the line here, brother. I'm really grateful for the call, Rome, and congratulations on being a good dad and for having a new baby and for being a good husband. You're showing up and putting food on the table, which is what you've got to be doing in this season. But I think you're right.
There may be more out there in the world for you. So hang on the line here, brother. We'll get choked up with some good resources. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk train well. Cutting corners with our physical fitness won't cut it. Whenever I try to just wing it and I don't have like a specific plan or any workout goals,
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All right, let's go out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up, Jane? Hey, my question is, I was wondering how I could get my family to attend church despite my husband's resistance. I don't know. Best of luck to you, Jane. I don't know. Tell me about it.
So when we first got married, we used to go together all the time. We've been together, gosh, over 10 years now.
And over the years, he's just stopped wanting to go. I still go. I like going. My kids like going. But it's hard when we're not all together. You know what I mean? Tell me about that being hard. Like it's hard logistically or it's hard emotionally? It's embarrassing? Tell me about it.
Well, I'm a firm believer in God and everything happens for a reason. And he plays a big role in our lives. And even when you think he's not listening, he is, you know. My husband doesn't have the same belief. Like he doesn't, I don't think it's really like the church going that's bothering me. It's like the lack of faith. Yeah.
And I don't know, I know he can't force anybody to do anything, but I just thought when, you know, the first however many years that it was a part of his life and it turns out it's not anymore. And that matters a lot to me. Yeah. So, um, was he hurt by the church growing up? Uh, he says it was his parents. Okay. Tell me about that. I, I, I don't know. Trying to get him to talk about it is difficult.
Like pulling teeth with no Novocaine. Yeah, man. So I wonder if there's some pretty serious hurt down in there and he may be not wanting to talk to you about it because he doesn't want to hurt what he sees that you hold so valuable, right? Mm-hmm. I don't know. I found a book. It's called Pray For Him. I don't know that book. Oh, it's a good one. It basically teaches you that you can control yourself and you keep praying for them
to find their way. I've been following it. I just, I don't, it just doesn't feel like he's wanting to change his opinions or feelings or thoughts. And I don't, I don't know if it's worth pushing or if I just need to like stay back and be quiet about it or, and just keep going with the kids or like, you know,
Yeah, I mean, there's a couple of different things I'm thinking here. Number one, I may have mentioned this on the show before. We've got 700 episodes or something now, so I don't remember if I have or not. But I remember running across a video. It was an old Penn and Teller video. They still are magicians, but I forget the name of the tall guy. Is it Teller or Penn? It's a tall one, Teller.
I don't know. I don't have to ever watch it. Sorry.
and he said this guy showed up after the show, was very talking about magic, talking about the show, talking about the, you know, whatever. And as he started to leave, he said, hey, I'm a Christian, and I would kick myself if I didn't ask you to come to church with me tomorrow. And the guy said, well, I'm going to pass on it, but thank you so much for the invite. And Penn, I remember he was doing it on his phone. It was a small video on his phone. It was before everybody did this, like on social media. But he said...
If you believe that a truck is coming my way and you're yelling at me, hey, there's a truck coming. And I'm like, no, there's not. I would hope you would love me enough to try to push me out of the way. Right. And so what he was saying was, is this guy was so kind, was so complimentary, like clearly was a fan of the show, wasn't a ruse to come talk to me about his forces religion on me. And also cares enough about my soul
that I don't even believe in, that he would say, hey, I would love for you to come to church with me. And he was just saying, I honor that guy. Good for him. And so if you're calling me because you are worried about your faith has said, hey, people like your husband are in grave eternal danger. That's challenge number one.
Right. If... Like, it has been struggling mentally a lot, too, and... That's what... That was my next thing. That's my next thing. Yeah. I guarantee you that church isn't the only thing that you thought was going to be a part of y'all's life that has fallen off. Right. What else has changed? Everything. Tell me about it. So...
uh, we've been recently trying to get out of debt. Uh, we've been following Dave Ramsey's plan. That's kind of what sparked all this is, uh, because in Dave Ramsey's teachings, it's very, he's a very, he's a very, yeah, exactly. And I love it. Like he's bought, like he's bought me your books. He's bought, I think we bought pretty much everything we can from you guys. Okay. Help us get back on track. Right. And get back on track to what though? That's what I'm getting to. Uh,
Just being happy, being able to be in a place where we can not have to worry about money or anything, you know, like the daily struggles, like to a point he doesn't have to go to work. He just, he can go to work. You know what I mean? Okay. But dig underneath that. What has changed? You're talking all about symptoms. What has changed? Our marriage. Tell me about it. What has changed? Um,
We're different people now than we were when we got together. Of course you were. We've... There's just a lot of things that have... What are they? Start spitting them out. I don't know. Did he change the way he votes now? No, no. Does he change the way he dresses? No. Does he start listening to Morgan Wallen all of a sudden? No, no. And that's the thing. I don't know what's changed with him. Like...
He just tells me he's had these feelings come up and all of a sudden he's struggling. I'm like, okay, but where did it come from? Because I thought everything was fine. Okay, that's not a good answer. I know. I don't know what to say. I'm sorry. When your husband comes to you and says, hey, I don't know where they're coming from, but all these feelings are coming up inside of me, take both of his hands and put your hand, hold one of his hands and take the other hand and put it behind his neck and look him in the eyes and say, I'm so grateful that you told me. Thank you. I believe you.
I'd like to try that. Please do that right when you get off this call. Okay. For a man to say that to his wife, I'm speaking generally, that's a guy on the edge saying help. That's what I'm afraid of. Okay. Yeah. And when you say, I thought everyone was fine, he goes, oh yeah, crap. Keep that bottled. Right. Okay.
And so as soon as this calls over, if you can get to him in person, get to him in person and say, hey, I said this wrong. I believe you. I love you. Okay. I can do that. Because he may have challenges in his life with some sort of addiction you don't know anything about. He may have challenges in his life financially that you don't know anything about. He may have all kinds of challenges that makes walking into a church makes him feel like he's going to get struck by lightning. Right.
He may not think that he deserves to be seen next to you and those kids in that church building. It could have nothing to do with his faith. He could be struggling with anxiety. He could be struggling with depression. He could be struggling with any number of things. That makes sense. And most men do not have the verbal skills to articulate what's going on. So they hit things, they hide, they drink beer, they play video games, they shut down. Sounds about right.
Those are usually signs for me, especially when they come out of nowhere or they come on strong that somebody's not doing well. Yeah. But did you go see a marriage counselor with you? Yep. We've been doing that. We found a good one. Has he told the truth? I don't know. You know him. You've been with him for over 10 years. When you leave, do you feel like all air is out of the room? Do you feel like all things are on the table or not? No. Okay.
It's time for you to go there. Right. Are you scared about what you're going to find? Yes. What are you going to find? I don't know. Okay, I'm worried. Okay. You know, sometimes you just get a feeling. Yep, 100%. Yep, that's where I'm at. Okay, go towards it. But I don't know. He likes to be left alone sometimes to just process things in his head, and I'm trying to respect that.
But at the same time, I can see him hurting and I don't want to make anything worse. And that's kind of where I struggle. Okay. Because I care a lot. I know. Probably too much. No, there's no such thing as caring too much about your husband. Yeah. There's no such thing as that. Yeah. Lead with curiosity over judgment. Okay. All the time. Yep.
Yeah, no one's perfect and I'm not in a place to judge. I just care and it's hard to get through those walls. So start this time saying, I'm sorry, I said the wrong thing here. I can do that. I believe you that you're not okay. And sometimes I get loud and I care so much, I get overzealous and I just get worried about everything all at the same time. But I promise I'll do my best to be a safe place. What is actually going on? Please tell me.
I can do that. We leave the counselor's office and I know in my bones you're leaving stuff unsaid. Please tell me. I can do that. Are you safe? Yes. Okay. Yes, we're safe. All right. Today's the day. Today's the day. Yep, it is. All right. Yep. I'm happy to talk to him too. He sounds like he's a good man just going through it, huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's one of the good ones. Okay. I just, he's...
He's just hurting, I think. Turn the lights on for him. And it might be standing in that first initial blast. I just need to be by myself. I'm not going to leave you alone on this one. Right. It has no point in being married if you're going to leave each other alone. I know. I'm not going to leave you alone on this one. Usually I'll respect that, but not today because I see that you're not okay. I can tell him that. It's easy. With one hand on the back of his neck. Okay. Okay.
I can do that. All right. Let me know how it goes, Jane. Call anytime. Okay, sister. Thank you. All right. You got it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right. You've heard me say this a thousand times, and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help.
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All right. So money marriage event question. I'm flipping over my paper here. Let's see here. Oh, here it is right here. All right. This is me looking at it for the first time. Is it better to start with small things or just jump into the heavy stuff when I haven't been vulnerable much in the past? Great, great question. I don't know. You know what?
Let me think through this here in real time. I'll kind of give you a framework for how I would think of this. So I guess caution number one is yes, if you've never been vulnerable in your marriage before, if you've never talked about really heavy stuff or past abuse or past, you know, sexual past, anything like that, if you've never talked about those things in the past and one day you're like, Hey, I need to be vulnerable. And yeah,
Let's pretend this is a husband and your wife's making dinner. Your wife's walking in from her job as an attorney holding a briefcase. And she's like, what? And you just vomit. Yeah, I wouldn't start like that. So number one, environment's going to be important. Where are we going? And we're going to set that up. Hey.
I'm going to practice being vulnerable here. I've never done this before. I'm so nervous. And I got some big things to talk about and some, I got tons of stuff. I've just kept bottled up forever and I don't know how to do this. So this Saturday, we're going to go to breakfast and I'd like to take you. I've made childcare arrangements. I want to take you out.
So you're setting the context, you're changing the environment up a little bit. That way it's not like there's not dirty dishes over here or a baby crying over here or a gutter that needs fixing over here. Y'all can get away and just focus on each other. That's number one. Number two, I would suggest starting with small things in equal parts for you and for your partner so you can practice. And small things might be, hey, I don't, I've never told you this, like,
Whenever I come home and you've made dinner, husband or wife, I feel so loved. It's amazing. I've never told you this. Those red shoes are embarrassing to me.
I kind of want to set my rods and cones on fire so I can't see color anymore because I hate them so much. Right, right. Like little things like that. They're kind of fun, kind of silly, kind of little, kind of whatever. And then lead into the big stuff. If there's big stuff, it's kind of just hanging out there. I've been cheating, cheating on you. You know, your dad did this and you didn't know it, that kind of stuff.
then small stuff actually is distracting. It causes a problem. So we need to set up, hey, I need to tell you about a big scary thing. It's hard for me to talk about. Let's do that tonight after the kids go to bed. We're just going to get right into it. But it just kind of depends on what's the small stuff and what's the heavy stuff. I always like a ramp in, but not if there's something major, major, major we need to discuss right now. If it's just about being vulnerable in general, yeah, practice with small stuff.
Try out a big thing and you're looking for your partners, like their eyebrows and their eyes get wide, you know, their eye crinkles them. Are they being curious? Are they being judgmental? And yeah, so practice that and give your partner an opportunity to say the wrong thing and to go, oh my gosh. Okay. Sorry that I said, oh my gosh. Or I can't believe you didn't tell me or that hurts my feelings too. Like give them permission to say the wrong thing out of the gate. Also, it's just a part about, it's just a part of being graceful and being in relationship with each other.
But yeah, hopefully that helps. Um, maybe invulnerable is a process. It's a, it's a skill. It's a way of being, it's a thing that you do and it's a thing that you are. And it's a way of, of interacting with the world. And it just takes practice, especially if you've been told your whole life, it's for weaklings and cowards. And, um,
It's not. It's the way relationships, it's the adhesive that keeps relationships together and bonded. So great question. Thank you all so much for reaching out. Hey, everybody, be kind to each other. Be kind to one another. Be kind to one another. We'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye.