Shownotes Transcript
My sister-in-law, she can turn any conversation into how her and my brother were intimate. And I'm so uncomfortable. How do I tell her to stop? You don't like talking about your brother's sex life? So a little part of me always just felt like maybe I'm a little jealous.
What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, taking your calls on your marriages, your relationships, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. I'm here for you. Here, not for you. I'm here with you. I'll sit here and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I'd love to have you on this show. If you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to johndeloney.com slash ask, A-S-K.
Okay. All right. Let's go out to Twin Falls, Idaho and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah? Hey, John. Thanks for taking my call. I just had a question. My sister-in-law, she can turn any conversation into how her and my brother were intimate. And I'm so uncomfortable. How do I tell her to stop? You don't like talking about your brother's sex life?
You know what? It's so weird. It's really annoying. Have you not said, hey, I don't want to talk about my brother's sex life? No. Why? So a little part of me always just felt like maybe I'm a little jealous because I'm a single mom and that's something I've always desired. So I just stuff it down deep. Not with your brother though. No, definitely not. Okay.
We're going to have to... It's going to be one of those calls. Okay, all right. No. Cool. So do you like hearing about... Okay, this is kind of weird. She doesn't go into details. Okay, okay. I'm pretty good at changing the subject. Okay, but are you jealous like she's your friend in every other way and if this was just your regular like a friend from work or the neighborhood or whatever, you would...
That'd be something y'all would talk about, right? How are things going in the bedroom? Like what? Just normal conversations. And it's just extra weird because it's your brother or she just gratuitous and weird. Probably it's weird because it's my brother. Okay. Cause I don't have those feelings with anyone else.
Okay. Yeah. But also she brings it up so often. Why? That's so weird. I don't know. So like on Wednesday nights, we ride to church together. And so we went to church the other night and we,
I brought up the time change and then she was like, oh, it gave me and your brother an extra little bit of time before the kids woke up. Morning sex with your brother. That's the worst. I just stared out the window and was like, the kids are being really loud. I can't talk right now. Like that's how bad my responses are getting. I know. But okay. But here's the thing.
That's super weird that she does that. It's just not called for. Okay? But... I'm also way more concerned than that. I mean, that's just like an obtuse... She's getting some weird thing out of that. Like, whatever. But...
Like, why won't you say, whoa, whoa, stop, stop, stop. That's my brother. I don't want to hear about that. Like, I think I've let it go on for over 10 years. Like she's, they've been married for, I think 13 years or something. She's always talked about just rocking it onto the break it down with your brother.
Yeah, all the time. Okay, you've got to just put a stop. Every conversation. So then I didn't think it was, like, maybe I thought it was normal. No, I go hunting with my brother-in-law. We go, like, I consider him a close friend. I don't ever talk about his sister, my wife. Yeah. No. No. So then I started hanging out with her cousin, and her cousin was like, oh, I hear it all the time. Yeah, someone just needs to tell her.
Okay. So that's where I just need to know. How do I, like, I feel like I've been in it for so long. How do I throw it out there? I think the next, this is one, this is a rare one. This is one that when it comes up again, I wouldn't just throw, like, have like a big hard conversation. I would try to keep this as light as possible. And the next time she's like, oh, me and your brother would be like, what was, I got to stop you. I've heard so much about your sex life with my brother. I can't take it anymore. It's my brother. Stop.
And you laugh and hopefully she laughs and she's like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. And then we all move on. If she doesn't, if this is a thing for her, hear me say this directly. This is her problem, not yours. Okay. She's the weird one here. If she feels like it is a violation of y'all's relationship that she can't talk about her sex life with your brother.
Yeah. Yeah. Is it fair for me to say something like, it sounds like you're insinuating because it's not like she said, oh, we, you know, we got it on. It's like, oh, we have some extra time and it was so nice. And then we, you know, and it's like, okay. Is it you that's bringing drama to this or was it just talk to you talking about breakfast?
It's because then there will be times like I'll bring the kids home or drop them off in the afternoon and she'll say, oh, we just got out of the shower. Good thing you weren't any earlier. Like she always has to make the comment, but it's like she never goes into detail. That's enough detail for me. I don't need that picture in my head of. Yeah. Right. So I think it's like, no, no, no, stop. I don't hear that. I don't hear that.
Here's your kids. Stop her. Yeah. But I think you stopped the first time I would, this is me. I would stop with a smile on my face. All right. Right. Cause I've avoided her and I feel like she doesn't deserve that. Like she has a really good friend, you know, we hang out and. Yeah. Don't avoid her. Yeah. Yeah. But also y'all can be great friends and she not tell you about getting out of the shower with your brother.
Intimate things, yeah. She can just say, thanks for bringing my kids by. Yeah. That'd be nice. She doesn't have to add that. Right? And if y'all were... If she was just like a close, close girlfriend, like one of your college roommates, and then you dropped her kids off and she looked at you and be like, ooh, you just... That would be fun and appropriate, I think. Yeah, we'd laugh and go on with life. And even still, you'd probably go, ooh, gross, I don't want to hear that. Yeah. Right? And so, like, because I don't want...
Um, I don't know. I just try to put myself in her position. I don't want my friends, even my closest best friends that I consider brothers. I don't want them picturing my wife getting in the shower. Yeah. You know what I mean? I don't want that in their head. Yeah. I might like, I can, I am, here's the thing. Here's, here's how I know that she's in the wrong here. I talk about sex too much.
Like I've researched it as a nerd. I've had to investigate it as like a, like it's just been a part of my professional life for so long.
Yeah. Right. And I know that I talk about it too much and I would never do that with my, to my brother-in-law. I would never engage in that conversation with my sister-in-law, my brother's wife, who's amazing. And with my, you know, my sister's husband, like I would never do that because that's insane. Right. Yeah. I don't want to hear that. So no. Yeah.
Lay it out. Yes, I would lay it out. I would do it laughingly at first. If she can't get there, if she's like, ooh, and she rams it up, there may come a moment when you have to stop and say, I don't want to talk about you and my brother having sex. Stop. I don't want to talk about you and my brother in the shower.
And hopefully she'd be like, okay, okay. And if she's just obtuse, then she's opting out of friendship with you. She's opting out of relationship with you. And surely your brother would understand too, if we're crying out loud. Good grief. Nope, you're good, Sarah. You're good. But yes, this is your conversation to have. And for everybody out there, don't be weird with your brother and sister-in-law. Gross. Nobody wants that picture in their head. We'll be right back.
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All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Steve. Hey, Steve, what's up, brother? Hey, Dr. John. Thanks a lot for taking the time to take my call. Heck yeah, man. What's up? So just going to cannonball in, I guess. Let's do it. So I met my wife on a dating app in late 23. And she found out she was pregnant in early 24. Was it yours? Yeah.
Yes. Okay. And, um, so August, I am a father of a beautiful baby girl. Um, and so my life kind of changed, you know, basically overnight I went from being single, um, not really a bachelor, but definitely single to wife, kids. So you got married, y'all went and got married? We got married. Okay. Was that a good decision?
I mean, I feel like it was, I feel like she was, she was pretty like definitely open. Like she definitely went like full, full feet in. Like I did. Like she was like, yes, I want to do this. I want to, you know, continue to build our relationship. Yes. It's going to look different because we're, we're going to be married and we're going to have a kid. But I, I, we have, I feel like we have enough of a foundation there that we can do that. That's, that was what she said to me. Enough of a foundation. We had 60 whole days. We're, we're in. Yeah.
All right. Yeah. Okay. So y'all are in it, dude. Um, so your baby is a year old now. She's 18 months, six, six months, six months. Okay. She was born August of 24. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I'm great with math. All right. So six months old. So your whole life is, um, like a human explosion. Okay. Yeah. Literally sometimes. Um, so I, uh, you know, she, of course she had her maternity leave. And after that, uh,
uh, you know, of course, as we've discussed several times on the show, childcare is very expensive. So, um, I said, okay, I'll take on the burden of, you know, being a stay at home dad. Um, I also work full time. So I do it work. So it's very hit or miss whether I'm busy or like a lot of the time, it's very slow. It's a lot. I do have a lot of downtime for my job. So I'm basically getting paid to take care of her and run the house. Um,
What does she do for a living? She works in skilled nursing. Okay. All right. So...
I, um, you know, I took all this on and so I'm working full time. I'm taking care of the baby full time, doing all the household chores. And I, I just feel like I'm kind of lost somewhere. Like I, like, uh, where am I? Um, and then kind of to add onto this, um, I'm,
Legally blind. Um, I can see I have, um, I'm basically nearsighted essentially, but I can't drive. So there's no, you know, there's no going out on the weekend. There's no me driving, um, anywhere or doing anything like that. So I, I hate to use the word like prisoner, right. But some days I wake up and I do feel that way. Sure. Um, and yeah,
So before all this started, I kind of... My social...
kind of outlet was video games because obviously I can't just get up and go to the bar or go to bowling every weekend. It's very difficult for me to do those things even with Uber and whatever. So that's kind of always been my social outlet. That's been my mental outlet to just shut everything else off and go blow stuff up for a couple hours or whatever. And I feel like now that's just completely gone.
And I feel horrible for feeling that. I feel selfish for wanting that time. It's just, I hope I'm making sense. Yeah, totally. I guess I'm trying to think of the right words. I won't try to get cute with it. Dude, you should be feeling overwhelmed. There's nothing wrong with you. You're working a full-time job. You're a full-time caretaker.
Your wife goes and works a very difficult job. You've also got a considerable limitation, like a physical limitation. Yeah, you should totally be feeling overwhelmed. And yes, most of the time I get this call or have this conversation, it's in reverse, right? The guy runs off to work and wife is trying to work from home and manage everything.
So that's, but that prisoner language, I hear that over and over and over and over again. So I don't say that to make you, I want you to know you're not crazy. Okay. And there's nothing for you to feel guilty about. There's nothing for you to feel wrong. Like you're not doing anything wrong. Okay. In fact, you're doing a pretty heroic thing. You're doing a whole bunch of stuff all at the same time.
And you're doing it in an unclassical way. And so it can feel really isolating because none of your other guy friends are probably doing something similar. No way. But no, there's nothing wrong with you, okay? Like you're stepping up and taking care of your responsibilities and you're all trying to make it work. What I wish every single parent of a new baby knew is,
And by the way, can we also be honest? You're still trying to work out how to be married to this person. You don't know them that well.
Yeah, absolutely. Like you think you know them well, you don't. And so you're figuring that out. What marriage even looks like? What does love look like? How do we keep romance alive? How do we even keep it alive? How do we continue to build romance? Right. All this stuff is new. How do you be married to somebody who deals with secondary traumatic stress all day long? How does she be married to somebody who struggles with sight limitations? Like y'all are figuring all this stuff out. It's a lot. Yeah.
So feeling overwhelmed is right, okay? What I wish every new parent would do would be to sit down with their partner and just make a plan for 90 days, three months, and then revisit that plan. And because what most couples do is they try to create the rest of their life the day the baby's born. I'm going to stay at home forever, okay?
And that's a bold proclamation when you don't know what's going to happen financially. You don't know what's going to happen. You may wake up and realize, I hate being trapped in this house or I am going back to work forever. And then you realize, I don't care about what anyone else, what this corporation wants me to do. I want to be with my kid, right? So if you do it three months at a time, then you're always planning on coming back to the table saying, how are you? How are you?
It gives each other an opportunity to drop your shoulders and for her to say, I want to go three quarter time because I'm missing this baby. Or it allows you to say, hey, I'm getting to the end of the day and I'm completely fried and I just want an hour of unplug with my video game nerd friends. Or, hey, we've got to go to, I've got to get out of this house. When you get home, I know you're tired too, but I need you to take us all in the car and we're going to go to a local park and just be outside.
And I know our baby's a lump of human, but I want to walk around with you. I just need to get out of the house. And so you're renegotiating and not negotiating in a win, like somebody wins and somebody loses, but maybe a better word is you're reimagining it every three months. And that way it gives you permission to say, hey, I don't like this arrangement or parts of this arrangement aren't working or I can't carry this full load like this. And she gets to come to the table and say the same thing. Does that make sense?
Yeah, absolutely. But dude, the greatest gift you can give that kid and your brand new wife is for you to be whole. And that means you got to be honest about what it means to be whole.
Yeah. And we've had the conversation about me unplugging for an hour or whatever. And her comeback to that is, I work 50 hours a week. I'm away from you and her. And I don't want to take away any time from our family so that you can go be by yourself or be with your online friends. Yeah.
or whatever it is. I get that, but also, I mean, it's a negotiation, right? It's a reimagination. And I'll say, how cool is it that she comes home from a super stressed job and she looks at you and says, I want to be with you. And also, in reverse, how many exhausted, fried moms slash professionals when dad gets home from his 60-hour week says, you're taking the kids. I need some time off. Right? It's just a common thing. It may be for a year, right?
You're playing video games after the house is asleep. And that just may be when that's got to be for you. And that's just part of being a dad and a husband and making a sacrifice. Yeah, absolutely. And by the way, I've been married for 23 years and I still do most of my down the hatch nerd work, like reading journal articles and reading like really deep. I do that at night after the house was asleep.
Because that's when I have an hour of focus and that is not taking away from something else that I also deem important. Because I don't want to get into a competition between something I love, which is researching mental health nerd stuff,
and my family. I love my family more than life itself. And I also have this passion about this other stuff. I love it. And so I don't want ever those things to compete. And so I'm going to do what I got to do during the day. And I'm going to do what I get to do during the day. And that's be with my loved ones. And then I'm going to carve an hour out at night. And some nights I go to bed because I'm tired. I'm exhausted. And that's okay.
Yeah. And it's just been, it's just been a lot. And I try and power through, you know, I do the normal guy thing, right? Like you've talked about dozens of times, like just power through, like that's, that's our culture now, um, is that we're, that we're expected to do that with little or no, um,
you know, thanks or a little, little to no, you know, you know, appreciation. Um, and I, I've expressed that to her and we've gotten a lot better. I think she's gotten a lot better about expressing that as well. It's just, uh, yeah, it's just a lot sometimes. Yeah, it's a lot, but dude, both of you give yourself a ton, a metric dump truck, ton of grace. Yeah.
You're trying to become a husband, continue to improve professionally, and to be a new dad, and to be a stay-at-home dad, and to deal with physical limitations all at the same time. You are trying to do an oil change while your car is flying down the highway at 80 miles an hour. That's hard. You're going to get some oil on you, on the car, and on the ground, period, right? Yeah.
What I want you and your wife to do is build in natural back-to-the-table moments. That way it doesn't have to be in a huge – like you hear me say this on the show all the time, turn the lights on and turn the music off. You don't have to do that when you build it in. When every week you'll get together and say, hey, what's our budget for the month? Hey, how are we doing financially? How are we doing – like what's our sex life like? Hey, are you hanging in there? I'm wiped.
Right. Or she can say, hey, I had six, I had six, like, like major traumas. I'm fried this week, this weekend, I just need to unplug. And you might be thinking, I was about to say that too. But I'm going to power through this weekend because we have a six month old and then next week, I'm going to really unplug. Right. So there is give and take during these seasons or just is.
Everybody sacrificing, but she doesn't get to come home and do the classic, the more traditional male line, which is I work so hard. I get to come home and just do what she didn't get to do that either. Right? Both of y'all are coming to the table.
Because if it was reversed and you were calling me being like, I work so hard and she works a full-time job and stays at home with a kid and does everything and she's blind and can't drive, but I just want to come home and chill. I would, you know what I'd say to you, right? I'd be all over you too. So the same thing applies to her. But I would love it if you said, hey, starting this week, I want to start planning a Sunday night, like 35 or 45 minutes. Let's just exhale.
And depending on what kind of nursing she does, whether it's trauma or she's got a set patient load and she can tell you this week's going to be this straightforward or this week's going to be a hard one. Or if she works trauma, you just know it's just going to be hard because that's just the nature of that job. And y'all can begin to exhale and say, okay, what do we need this week? How can we love each other this week? And yeah,
On Wednesday night and Friday night, after you're in bed, I'm going to go nerd out with my nerd friends on the internets. And Saturday, we're going to go as a family and go outside because we got to get some sunlight in our life and on and on and on. But begin to map that out. And then every 30 days, put a star on the calendar. And this is a...
Like everybody, okay. Is everybody okay with the arrangement that we're making? Because we made this arrangement, which means we can change it at any time. And if she says, I hate this job. Cool. If you say, I need some help around the house. Maybe you're not going to go full-time childcare, but maybe you're going to hire a
sixth grader or somebody that will take the kid three hours, you know, Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and just go play so you can exhale a little bit and get some stuff done, right? Whatever that looks like. But we're going to negotiate that every three months and then we're going to go from there. But bro, give yourself some grace, man. Y'all are in it, in it, in it. And I'm proud of you for doing the next right thing, no matter how hard it is. I see that on you, man. And I'm proud of you. Keep going. We'll be right back.
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I'm out on the road having, I'm having the time of my life. What if me and Dave did that dance? Who lives who? I think Dave has to live to you. Yeah, I could jump high. Dave, I don't know, Dave's the most athletic 64-year-old I've ever met in my life. When he gets to ski in, it's amazing. It's amazing. I can't decide who I want to see. Well, probably neither, to be honest. Yeah.
I don't think anybody needs to see it. Come catch me live on the road. We are having an amazing time in these rad theaters all over the country. Next up, I'm going to be in Phoenix on May 5th. If you are in Phoenix...
Please, let's have a wild event, a wild party, dude. It's going to be a blast. Fort Worth, Texas. I expect all my Texas brothers and sisters to show up on May 7th. And then Kansas City. We got to run this one back after what happened with...
with Philly. We need you, man. We're going to make everything all okay again, May 9th in Kansas City. Come check us out. Go to ramsaysolutions.com slash tour. Man, I cannot wait to hang out. And don't forget to like or subscribe to show on the internets. Tell the overlords you love this show. Love it. Love it. Love it. Love it. All right. Let's go to Bozeman, Montana and talk to ABBY. What's up, Abby? How we doing?
Hey, good morning. Good morning. What's up? Long time listener. I'm a long time listener. First time caller. I'm one of the original 17 from way back in the day. Well, thanks for getting the courage to call. It only took you four years, Abby. I know. I'm just playing. Hey, thanks for being with us for so long, man. That's awesome.
Yeah. So I have a 17-year-old daughter. She's a senior in high school. She's bright. She's kind. She's beautiful. She's generous. She's very smart. And she's romantic. She has all the feels. She kind of takes after her mother a little bit. I was going to say, just like you raised her, right? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. And she's got a boyfriend. Oh, gross. I know. He's a nice kid.
But is not the most motivated. And they are not going to college together. He'll be a couple hours away.
So driving distance. But I'm worried that their relationship is going to interfere with her college experience and that she's going to be fixated on him and kind of avoid school or other new relationships at school that are like right in front of her face. So how do I throw some cold water on this? I don't think that's going to happen.
That's not what I want to hear. I don't think it's going to. I mean, I spent my whole career working with college kids, and I used to tell them in orientation, just break up now. It will just save you some time. And A, I was always amazed at how many people went home and just broke up. Like they needed an excuse to do that. And B, a few didn't, and then they ended up getting married. But that was like, I mean, you're talking one out of a thousand, right?
Maybe one out of every, like every two or three years, a high school romance made it right. I just, that happening is very, very rare. Okay. What I think is happening is your daughter's about to leave you this amazing, wonderful woman and young woman. And that's just hard.
Yeah, it is hard. I think if you raise them right, you should get to keep them. I do. But instead, they grow up and they launch and they be their own person. And it's the best and the worst. My wife, when my son was born, I think I've said this on the show, she said, hey, we have one job and that is to raise it. And I was like, oh, here we go. Like, raise a good man. And she said, raise a kid that we like being around.
And it just now has occurred to me. My son is 14. He's halfway through high school. I mean, his freshman year of high school. I love having him around. He's hilarious. He's funny. He can be serious. He's thoughtful about things. He makes fun of me in just the right appropriate way. And the thought of him being gone in three years, I'm going to lose somebody that I like spending time with. You know what I mean? And I was so ready to go. My dad was so ready to get me out of the house. It's just not like that.
And I have to be careful not to be pre-sad. And so that way I don't miss the awesome moments I've got right now. Yeah. But she's going to love, she's going to feel like she loves this dumb boyfriend. And as much as a 17-year-old can love anything, she's going to be in love. And ooh, gross. Oh, they're in love. Oh, I know. Of course. But have you taken her out? Did you have boys in your life that you, as a romantic, that you overloved?
I married the first one. Oh, gross. I know. No way. I know. All right, dude. Yeah, like freshman in college. Oh, so you got married as a freshman? Oh, you met him as a freshman in college? We met, yeah, fall of freshman year and married within a year and a half. So, yeah. Okay. Have you taken your daughter out for breakfast and had that conversation about it was the greatest thing ever and I kind of wish I'd waited?
Yes. Okay. Y'all have had that talk? Yeah. And just wanting...
And it's gone through her high school. They started dating in the fall, and we've seen some change in relationships with her at school. We've seen her disengage from some of the activities that she once was really into. And so that's hard to hear and see. And one of her teachers said she doesn't recognize her anymore, that all of her energy has just gone into this boy. Yeah.
Well, and it's not too late to put some boundaries on it if you want to do that. So what we've done is we've said, you know, we've got to take a step back. You know, you can see them one-on-one like twice a week. And if you want to see them anymore, you know, meet them at a basketball game, go out with friends, do those kind of things. And so we've tried to do that, but she's smarter than me and she's kind of sneaky and she can kind of...
I don't want to have to catch and discipline every little thing. I want to, I don't know. I got that. Is she sexually active? No. Are you certain? No. Yeah. But I'm pretty sure not. You need to have that conversation. Yeah. Have that conversation. Because it is that infatuation switch. It's not always, but it is very often. Almost what feels like a mania to see each other.
At 17, 18 is almost always have some sort of physical intimacy linkage to it. And it may just be holding hands. Maybe it's just, I feel so good holding hands. It feels so good just kissing you. But that's definitely worthy of a conversation. Yeah. Have you sat down and said like, hey, the light's going out in your eyes. People are noticing. I'm noticing that people, I don't want to blame other people. I'm missing my daughter. Yes. Okay. How'd she hear it? Um, yeah.
She said, I'm trying. I'm trying to do the things that we want her to do. I don't know. She's come back and said that this school stuff that she's been interested in is now dumb. That she doesn't like the people. That she's lost those relationships. And there may be some truth to that. But here's what I always want to look at with a high school kid. I always want to look at trend lines.
Yeah. And if I watch a kid, suddenly their grades fall. If I watch a kid and certainly the things that they've loved their whole life, they just fall off a cliff. And that's different than like, hey, I'm a senior. I don't want to play football anymore. I don't play volleyball anymore. Like it becomes a job and I don't want to do that anymore. That's different than I just don't go outside at all.
Or I just am glued to my phone 24-7. I think there's some of that. Well, I told Seth about just pulling away. Yeah. I think she's kind of pulling back just as that senioritis and getting ready to change. Sure. That's a big time in life. Very much so. Deciding who you're going to be outside of your parents and growing up and going to college. And by the way, that fear that you have that, oh my gosh, this really wonderful, great, amazing person that we've grown to not
not only love because we're their parents, but just value them as a human. They're about to leave. She feels that too. And sometimes having a boyfriend, you give somebody a permission to have that pain put somewhere else. And my only concern with a 16 or 17 or 18 or 19 or 25 year old is that they channel that into healthy behaviors.
Because a way to numb that pain can be sex. And a way to numb that pain can be sneaking alcohol. And a way to numb that pain can be sneaking Xanax. And I know that's not going to happen to your kid, except that for 20 years I sat with teenagers and their parents because it happened to their kid. Yeah. Right? That's scary. It's terrifying. But that's why I'm going to be pretty clear-eyed and go straight into it.
And if I feel like I'm losing my kid, not my kid is head over heels on some romance, I'm fine with that. In fact, I want them to practice some of that while they're in my house because she's about to be 18 and wheels off, right? Right. And so I want them to practice some of that head over heels-ness in my house. But man, if I see the light going out in my kid's eyes, I'm going to get involved with that. And so what does that look like? Like how do you, do you restrict that?
time together do you i don't know i mean you can do whatever you want you're the parent and there is a balance between sitting your kid running away and turning your kid into like when you say like she's kind of sneaky i don't want to have a sneaky relationship with my kid i want to tell the truth right all right and also i'm not going to shy away from hey dude i'm losing you
Yeah. I only see this, I only hear about this when people have discovered how fun sex is and I need to know where you are. Yeah. And that might be the time for you to say like, dude, I was 18 too. I was 19 also and I fell head over heels and I don't regret my life, but I wish I'd had some things back. Maybe not. Or maybe it's the alternative. Maybe it's like, man, I fell head over heels and I remember how hard it was to stay plugged into my values, to be safe, to be smart or whatever.
Yeah, we've had that conversation and I think that it's just distant, right? Like I fear that she's one who's going to have to learn things by going through them. Like she doesn't seem to, and I just don't want her to fall flat on her face. Have you tried making a weekly, hey, for the next, until the day we drop you off every week, you're going to have breakfast with me?
No, that's a good idea. I would say this is mandatory. You don't get to miss this. Or I'll take your phone away. I mean, I would do something caustic on the other end of it, right? And with a smile on my face too. But like, I'm going to be, you have to do this. And here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to send you the questions for humans. It's going to sound kind of nutty. I'm going to send you the questions for humans couples deck one, two, and three. And I know that sounds weird.
Because you and your daughter aren't a romantic couple, but you can get some insight into how she is metabolizing this new relationship by asking some of those questions in that deck. And I want you all to go to breakfast together and just say, we're going to do 10 of these questions. Oh God, are you serious, mom? Yes. And it may be that breakfast one, breakfast two, breakfast three are annoying, annoying, annoying. And then it's breakfast six out of nowhere that she's like, hey, I don't know how to get out of this thing. Or he's really pressuring me too. Or...
I took Xanax for the first time. I took three of them and it felt really good. I don't know what to do. But this is where you begin to not just talk to her or more importantly, most parents talk at their teenagers. It's a place for their nervous system to know, even though their head is like, they're just old fuddy-duddy parents and they don't understand. Their head can do that all day long, but their prefrontal cortex hasn't developed yet. But their nervous system will know she's safe.
Okay. She keeps showing up. Now, is this helpful if my husband goes too? He needs to do a different one. Do it on his own? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And maybe the rule is for every time you go be with this boy, you have to go on a date with me. Okay. Y'all get to decide what these rules are. But this is going to cost y'all money. And more importantly, it's going to cost y'all time. And what I'm telling you is that's the single greatest investment you can make in this young woman right now.
Okay. And I know this is very unpopular. I am not going to allow a 17-year-old to put themselves in situations when I know they're being unsafe sexually, when they're being unsafe with substance abuse just because most of my career was dealing with the ramifications of that. I was afraid to give boundaries because I thought they were going to rebel. And then now I'm looking at an addict.
a 19-year-old who can't, right, who can't function. Or I'm talking to a 20-year-old who's got a new baby. And so I'm going to err on the side of not being liked and keeping my kids safe than the, well, I don't know, right? So I'm going to head right into that. And I know parents don't like to hear that, but I'm also going to not be harsh without being loving too. And that's where this time, like we're going to go to breakfast, we're going to breakfast, we're going to breakfast, we're going to breakfast.
And I'll tell you this, as my sons entered into high school, now we've started doing now, we might not do this forever, but now we alternate who's got a big question for the other person. So the one two weeks ago was I asked my son, hey, we're going to talk about the death penalty. Pro and cons. When do you think it's appropriate? Is it appropriate? Is it not? And dude, we had an amazing hour long conversation.
About the death penalty, what it does, what's the actual statistics on it, what's the data on it. A guy at my church is an attorney who works with death row inmates. And so he's got actual data about how insane some of it is. And so we had a great conversation. The next week it was his job and he said, I want to know what makes somebody a ride or die friend for you.
Dude, we talked for the whole lunch on that. It was an amazing conversation. But again, those are big conversations that maybe you can make a list of. I'm going to ask you like three big questions and then you're going to ask me three big questions. So you've got to come up with what you want to talk about and give her an opportunity. Okay. I can do that. Yes. And I don't think this relationship will last for whatever it's worth. Although you were the one in a thousand. Well, no, you met as freshmen. So y'all met at college, but...
Technically. Yeah. We were young. Yeah. You were. I would, I just, I want to get her to a fully mature frontal lobe without, you know, like a felony, a pregnancy, an addiction. Um, what are the other big ones? I don't know. Just those big things in life that follow you everywhere. Like. Did you have felonies? No. Did you or your husband struggle with addiction? No. Does your daughter know in her nervous system that she's fully and deeply loved?
She does. She's probably going to be all right. I know. I know. And when I look at just all the things that, you know, God's divine intervention in he's got his hand on her and she's got to walk through some things I know, but I just. And I'm not going to ever get upset with a 17 year old for being in love and being curious about things that feel good, but I am going to be really direct with my wisdom there.
Right. And that's that curiosity over judgment. When you talk to a 17 year old, like you should not be, that's, they're going to blow you off. But when you're like, oh yeah, dude, sex rules. Yeah. And man, it's not safe for a 17 year old. Your heart's not ready. Right. Right. And so have been able to have that conversation is just a different, a different tune. And I, as a parent, dude, I can't, I can't look myself in the mirror and say, I love my daughter knowing that I'm putting you in this situation. If this is what's going on, I wouldn't be who I said I am. Right. Right.
And that, I mean, the daughter you just described to me, she would understand that. She wouldn't like it. She would hate it. She'd be mad at you, but she would understand it. It's the same. I think I've mentioned this on the show. The number, the greatest compliment my son ever gave me was, um,
He was, we were having another disagreement about social media because I'm a Luddite and I won't let my son have it. And Snapchat, especially, I think Snapchat's clinically insane for kids to have that. Parents to give their kids Snapchat. But I told him, I finally said, hey, tell your friends at school that your dad is a loser and he sucks and he's an old man and he just won't let me have it. And he, in frustration and exasperation said, I can't say that because that's not true.
And when he turned around, I was like, oh, yeah. Like, right. He gets it. And, dude, I get it, too. Nobody wants to be the only one or frustrated or whatever. But, yeah, 17 is that transition time, man. And now for you guys, y'all are on the clock. You're on the countdown to it's almost time to go. It's almost time to go. And maybe your husband takes your daughter out and says or you take your daughter out and ask, all right, what are the 10 or 15 things you think a good husband has?
Let's see. Does dad have those? What are 10 or 15 things you want to wrap your head around when it comes to the person you'd like to marry? And that might be a way to get her to stop thinking about this kind of dud of a 17 or 18 year old boyfriend, begin to write some of these things down and y'all could talk about them like, oh, you think this one's a big deal? It's not.
Oh, you think a six pack abs is the most important thing? It's not. You think this is not a big deal? This is a huge deal, right? And you can begin to have some of those conversations. And you got to be honest with you where you and your husband are falling short of some of those things. So it just becomes a very authentic, vulnerable, direct, loving, curious conversation with your kid. As she's making this transition from somebody you can boss around to someone
somebody you're going to have to influence positively and let her know you're going to make dumb decisions and I'll always be right here. Thanks for being a mom that cares. I have a feeling she's going to be great. I have a feeling she's going to be great. We'll be right back.
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Right now, go to O-R-G-A-N-I-F-I, Organifi.com slash D'Loni, and use code D'Loni for 20% off the kit and everything else on their site. Go right now. All right, we are back. And Ben, can we cue the heartbreaking music? Do we have any sad music? I'll put it in post. All right. I don't have it ready. Good, we'll put some sad. So we have to say goodbye to one of our greatest, best gang members.
finally kelly's gotten fired i'm just kidding it's not kelly but this is the last show with the great and powerful taylor we'll be heading off and so taylor joined the team right um as it was floundering kelly didn't know what she was doing taylor joins and um we flew past the million mark the show has been incredibly successful one of the greatest professionals i've worked with and so we're gonna miss you gangster one of the uh
the OG team members, man. So thanks for being a part of the gang for so long. It's awesome. Do what? She's saying mean things about me. No, she says she hates us all because we're putting her on the spot. You don't have to say anything. We're just going to shout you out, say that we love you, and party. This is when we should... So we've carved the road
I tried out for Boyz II Men. I sent my audition tape. I never heard back. I think they're still just working through the tapes. Probably. I think you should expect that response any time now. I'm a good mid-baritone tenor. I can get it. Any minute now. Taylor, you weren't the gangsters. Thank you for being on our team and for getting us to a place where I can finally look at my family and say we're being successful. It's kind of good. Thank you for letting me join the team. I love working with you.
You're the best. Appreciate you guys. Everybody else, stay in school. Don't do drugs. Love you guys. And if you got good, awesome team members that you get to work with at your professional job, make sure you tell them that you appreciate them. Love you guys. Bye.