Shownotes Transcript
How do I protect my daughter but not end up in that situation where I make her run? And it's all regarding a boy. Oh, gosh. With a new interest that has a troubled past. Let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor. Period. Period.
What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids and everything you got going on in your life. If you notice I'm being a little more chill, it's because they did the chat GPT roast of me.
They said I come in pretty hot, like I've had a bunch of espressos. I believe it was, comes in, like he said, seven shot of espressos and run a marathon. Yes. If I'm being specific. So now I'm coming in like I'm like five Quaaludes in, four or five Xanax. What was the worst thing that that playful chat GPT Rose said about you? The most hurtful that I come in hot with youth minister energy. Yeah, it did say that. That hurt in my soul.
right in my soul i have no sparkles on my jeans by the way i anyway i didn't come in here with a somersault or whatever and yeah they gave me the hemorrhoids on that one it was specifically youth minister on sunday morning vibes bro that like that hurt my heart like and dude shout out you want to be youth minister knock your lights out um
Man, if the world really experiences me that way, I've got a lot of work to do. I'm going back to therapy. It's a playful, like it said, a playful roast. Listen, AI doesn't lie. That's what the government keeps telling us. You think it does? I'm heartbroken. Let's go out to Carson City, Nevada or Nevada, depending on who you're talking to. Mary, will you help me out, please? Is it Nevada or Nevada? Nevada.
You know somebody is from Nevada when they say Nevada. The minute they say Nevada, they're not from here. You people of the desert, keep your secrets. Hey, next time I'm there, I'm going to bring a Subaru Outback or an Overlander 4Runner, and I'm going to just tell everyone I'm from Nevada. And they're going to be like, ooh, a local.
Yeah. And I'm going to talk bad about the strip. I'm like, I hate gambling. I'll be like, yeah, that'd be cool. We'll drive out in the desert and me and Michael Easter will go for a rock. It'll be awesome. All right. So Nevada. All right. So Mary from Nevada. I feel like I'm like a Michigander who got lost in Nevada. All right. So what's up?
All right. Well, so just a little... Yeah, let's transition from that to whatever you're about to ask. It's not awkward at all. No. So I'll just say first that, you know, I'm in...
I find myself in a situation of life where I'm, you know, one day I'm convicted and I know exactly what I should do. The next day I have no clue what I'm doing. Me too. Me too. Same team. So I am in the middle of going through a divorce. So I'm hyper-focused on like protecting my children personally.
because there's a lot just going on right now. And my biggest fear is that they'll kind of make wrong choices, right? So I want to make sure that I'm doing right by my kids. So...
The question is how do I protect my daughter but not end up in that situation where I make her run? And it's all regarding a boy. Oh, God. With a new interest that has a troubled past. So I don't have all the details yet. How old is this boy? I have...
So he is 17. She is 15. Okay. Who cares what the, who absolutely cares what the, what the details are.
Well, I kind of do, but because I think it speaks to his character and the picture that's being painted to me is that he's in trouble because he was protecting someone. But you don't get arrested unless you did something wrong, right? So in my mind, I've already got a mismatch of what her perception is and what is actually happening. So he has a criminal background? Yeah.
So, yeah, just recently he was arrested and he's been on an ankle monitor since. And this week he's supposed to be off the ankle monitor and then supposedly going to have probation. And all of your intel, if you will, is from a 15-year-old via a 17-year-old. Yeah. So my...
And I've already told her that I need to sit down and have a conversation with him. Wait, why? Why, Mary? Why? Let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor, period. And I actually teach my son to stand up for people.
And so if my son is out somewhere and there's somebody out on the margins and they're in an unsafe situation or somebody's trying to hurt them, I have taught and trained my son to intervene. And if he gets arrested and goes to jail and has a criminal record and is wearing an ankle monitor, I will also teach him that the 15-year-old girl he's dating is going to need to take a break for a bit.
I'm not sitting down with a minor, with a 17-year-old who's about to be 18 and trying to get the facts. Because you know what 17-year-olds who want to hook up with 15-year-olds do? They just make up whatever story that is going to be most advantageous to them. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Like, this is like a scorched earth thing for me. Yeah. Because here's why. You'll be testing – the test here is your daughter. This isn't hypothetical. Yeah.
If he spins you some story that's amazing and you feel compassion and moved and he's getting rigged by the system, whether he's telling the truth or not, that's the test there for a guy that just got arrested and is being prosecuted for assault is your daughter. I'm not taking that risk. Not a 15-year-old. She's 18. She can do what she wants to. But are you heartbroken about breaking her heart again? I just –
have not personally experienced but I've always had this fear because she's had a hard life with her dad and she's threatened and you know all these things about you know moving away and no one loves her and all of these things and so it's just like this big like if I forbid this then I
That's going to give her a reason to run away from me. And I feel like I'm the only one that can protect her right now. Yeah, but the stakes are too high. I would much rather my 15-year-old not like me than cross my fingers and hope that a convicted 17-year-old makes good choices. I think the fallacy here, yes, if you cut off a child,
And I've had episodes of the show where I kind of go after dads especially. I'm taking her phone. I'm cutting her off. She can't do anything. So basically you starve a child who's desperate for connection from oxygen, right? Right. That's a terrible idea. You're right. They will claw through the walls to get out of your house so they can breathe with connection being their breath, right?
And if you have a young daughter whose dad has been absent or abusive or treated their mother like crap or been highly critical, then yes, she's going to go find the nearest warm-bodied male that says, I love you. Right. Absolutely. Yeah.
And that's exactly what I fear she's doing, right? She's blinded by the fact that he, this boy, has strong feelings for her. And she thinks, oh, this is it. This is the guy who's going to love me no matter what, right? Totally get that. Totally get that. And what I want you to do is I want you to think about 25-year-old her who's holding a toddler and is not in school.
or didn't go to school because she couldn't, who looks at you and says, why did you let me run amok when I was 15? Because I'd get mad at you? Now, listen, I got a 14-year-old. I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare. I hate it. I hate it, right? And I don't have near the challenges you have. I just know the nights after we have hard conversations about something I'm drawing a hard line on, man. I know what it costs my kid. I hate it. In your case, the false dichotomy is –
It's either I let her cross my fingers and let her like – I give this 17-year-old a stern talking to, and then I let my daughter out with the wolves, which, by the way, let's just do the math. I don't know what the age of consent is in Nevada, but what is he, six months, eight months away from being 18, and this is illegal?
Yeah, it will technically be illegal for a few months. It will be. And if he's got pictures of her on his phone right now, he's, you get what I'm saying? Like, this is a mess waiting to happen. But let's back all the way up. If you keep her from a rattlesnake, if you keep her from getting hurt, you have to backfill that connection. Right.
And that's exhausting. You don't have time. You probably have to work another job now because you're trying to figure out how you're going to pay bills post-divorce. Like, I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare. But this is your mother moving in with you for a season. This is y'all finding an aunt or your sister. This is, we'll do whatever we got to do because we got about three years, maybe two. We can do anything for two or three years.
But we're going to go to breakfast once a week. We're going to have dinner. I'm going to be obnoxious. I'm going to take your phone if I got to do that. You're not having a car. Like, I'm going to do these things. And a 16-year-old can run away. They can. There's not a lot we can do. We can call the police and get her back and yada, yada. But it's a tough season. And the research says divorce on 15-year-old kids on early teens is really impactful. Not to mention the father figure she's grown up seeing. It's hard. Yeah.
But I guess what I'm trying to present to you is I get how trapped you feel. And this is the time to wrap your arms around that girl and say, I can't let you do this. Can I give you some tips on connection points? Yeah. This is she's 15. She's seen a lot of life. This is when you sit down and say, here's what happened to me when I was 15. This is what happened to me when I was 18. And that's when she sees her mother as a person, not as this overlord. You get what I'm saying? Yeah.
Yeah. And since I moved out and everything, we've had a lot of those conversations, right? I mean, it's actually in many ways improved my relationship with them, my daughters. Absolutely, yes. And I think it gives you a little sliver of credibility.
To say, hey, I can't. I can't. If he defended somebody and he got arrested and got convicted and whatever, then I'll salute him. But I'm not going to, you can't go out with a 17-year-old with an ankle monitor on. We're just not going to have that. We're not going to have that story. When you're 18, you can do what you want to do. Unless you're still living at my house, eating my food, or I'm still paying your tuition. This isn't about control. This is about safety.
And I know I can't imagine being in your seat when you made a hard call to value your dignity and your character to leave this guy who's cheating on you and rubbing your nose in misery. And they blame you for blowing up the house, or at least he does. And I get all of that. And the last thing you want to do is to have one of your kids mad at you again. I hate you. I'm leaving here. Nobody loves me. He's the only one who loves me. Dude, I get that.
I guess the hard line I draw is that this is when she needs a boundary. She needs love. She needs connection. She needs a tight, tight squeeze more than ever, more than ever. And as parents, like globally, but especially in the United States, we have to learn to be okay with teenagers who don't like us. We have to be okay with that.
You're a good mom for modeling to her what it's like to have dignity and respect for yourself when your husband tries to take it from you. I applaud you. And I also know the road ahead of you is very difficult. I also applaud you for being honest and open and beginning to show these young girls like, hey, I was a young girl too. And I've been hurt. And I found myself in crummy situations and, and, and, and. And I'm drawing the line here.
And that's when your extra connection has to begin. We're going to have breakfast every week. We're going to go on a date once a week. You and I are going to have to keep a joint journal together. You and I are going to go for walks every day. You and I are going to start going to the gym or yoga or something together. I'm going to double down on connection. She's going to hate it and be mad. I can't believe this. I don't want to go. And then she's going to wake up and be 18 and exhale and say, thank God my mom came and got me. You're a good, good mom, Mary. Thank you for loving these girls. And thank you for having a radar that went up.
Ain't no 17-year-old boy with an ankle monitor dating my daughter. And I know that sounds old and paternalistic, and I simply don't care. We'll be right back. All right, good folks. Cutting corners with our physical health won't cut it anymore. And whenever I try to just wing it, when I don't have a plan or any goals, I end up skipping workouts and making a lot of excuses or not really getting anywhere with my physical fitness. And I hear from you a lot, and I know that you guys work out the same way.
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All right, we are back. Let's go out to San Bernardino, California and talk to, well, well, well, my Michelle. What's up, Michelle? Hi, Dr. John. How are you? I'm rocking on to the break of dawn. How about you?
Pretty good. What's up? I wanted to get into my question. I wanted to know, how can I support my husband wanting to go out of state and start a new business while we have a six-month-old at home and twins on the way? Oh, gosh. What? Yes. What business is he going to start?
He currently works for a plumbing company, so they kind of want to expand it and start other ones out of state. I imagine that when they were like, man, we need somebody to move out of state, he's like, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go. There's a hurricane. There's been a human explosion at my house. I'll come back in three years. God, I got it. Yeah, it's not a good time, huh? I totally don't think so. And when he brought it up to me, I was not happy and said no.
Yeah, that's not helpful either. Who am I? Like, that's not good. Yeah. In these kind of situations, again, he's not on the phone, so I can't, I can't, I don't know what's going on in his mind, what's going on in his soul. Who knows? And so I can only speculate, so I don't want to do that too much. But y'all, I say this often on the show and I'll say it again here.
Often when there's a newborn, this isn't an excuse, but it's a context for everybody out there to stop with the Hollywood stuff and to speak very clearly to each other about what you need and what you want. Husbands also often have a kid come home and they have no idea what to do. And if you try to Google what to do, it is super unhelpful. And none of their guy friends can help very much. And so...
Home becomes a failure factory. I don't know how to succeed here. And the good husbands who find themselves stuck, they're trying to Google, they're trying to help, they're trying to wash the bottles and they do that wrong and they do the diapers wrong. And then my wife comes home and goes, hey, guess what? I'm having twins. They're like, oh gosh. They know one place where they can be successful for their family and that's at work.
And that's what he tells me. Okay. So really that's a man that doesn't feel like he has a purpose in his own house. And so he's found the one thing he can do that society says, this is the way you love your family. Right. And there is some truth to that. Like, right. Providing for his three kids and his, and his pregnant wife. That's important. It's critically important. But so is being present, being home, being around during this chaos.
But if you rattle off and say no, then you quickly become his mother, and he's been rebelling against her his whole life, hasn't he? Yeah. Yeah. Do not think about that. Yeah. I don't want to be his mom. Yeah. But here's what you need. Beneath the no is what? Like when he brought that up, what did you immediately think? Give me the things that you started rattling off in your mind that if he's gone, won't get done, won't happen. Fill those blanks in for me.
It was more so I thought to myself, you're not going to be around to see them grow up because in his head, from what he told me, it can take two to three years to become successful. So with that, it will take that time. And I see my six-month-old now sees him and she smiles when she gets home. And I think to myself, why do you not want to be here for that? Yeah, but let me flip that around on you. Having held a six-month-old,
I don't think I've ever felt that scared and inept in my life. Okay. I didn't know what to do. I just knew I couldn't feed him other than unless, you know, my wife had pumped. I knew I was kind of useless. I know now that's not true.
But I want you to not personalize. In the same way that he's like, why aren't we making out anymore? And you're like, because I'm a human jungle gym right now, right? And he takes that personal. I don't want you to take his request to start a business as take that personal too. Does that make sense?
Yeah. And I feel like I kind of look at like everything in the sense of finances. I currently work and we're looking to me not working anymore and just staying at home because paying for child care is going to be way more than what it's worth. I might as well just watch them on my own. But I feel like all that scares me. And the thought of him not coming home
Every night is just like, how am I supposed to do this all by myself and try and get a degree at the same time? All right. Well, that's where you got to write that stuff down. And let's have that conversation. Because here's what you're telling him in those moments. I need you. I want you here. I'm so proud of you trying to protect our family, to earn for our family, to go start a new business so that I can stay home. And if this is a math problem, y'all need to be honest about your math problem. Okay. Mm-hmm.
And it may be that we got to leave San Bernardino, California, which is a very expensive place to live. And we're all moving out of state. There's a math problem to this. But beneath it, and again, I'm trying to be as altruistic as possible. This guy may suck. You mean he'd take all this personally. Like he's trying to run away from you guys, right? That may be the case. Kelly's nodding yes, yes, yes. He may be terrible. I'm trying to be as altruistic as I can.
But beneath the no is I want you here. You play an important role here. And here's what that is. I can't do this by myself. I need you home. Okay. And then it is tell me what scares you about holding that baby. Tell me what scares you about. And now you're getting into dangerous territory for a guy because vulnerability gets a guy killed on the works on the worksite in the boardroom. It gets a guy killed. And so you're asking him to do something that's scary to him.
And if he's honest, he may say, I'm scared about money. Or I'm scared about having three kids in here and not knowing what to do. Or he may say, I'm a jerk. I don't want to be here. He won't say he's a jerk, but this is his way of leaving you. Yeah. And I know like partly it's from what we've talked about very little because I try not to get super emotional and just like shut the conversation down. Why do you do that? Because...
I don't know. I constantly tell myself, oh, it's because I'm pregnant. But I know... It could be because you love your husband. You don't want him to leave. And then he tells me, well, I want to get us a good foundation so we don't have to work. And when they're at the point where they go to school, we'll be having this income and...
We'll be able to take him to school and not have to worry about money. And I'm like, okay, but what if it doesn't work? And then I tell him that. And then he says, why are you like killing my dream? I'm like, I'm not trying to, I'm trying to be realistic. It's not about killing a dream. It's just not a good time. If somebody else goes and starts this particular branch of this company that him and his partners are running, um, in two or three years, there will be multiple state opportunities there too.
And you'll have two three-year-olds and you'll have a five-year-old and then y'all can make some plans. I moved across the country with my one two-year-old and she did great. I know that's nothing like moving a circus like you would be moving, but like, you know what I mean? Like you can do that. But right now it's just not a good time. But if you shut down every time you get emotional and blame pregnancy or blame, like he needs to hear, I love you and I miss you. And I know I don't say that enough and I,
Try and do that more but the whole other thing again, I'm Trying to be altruistic and think of the best for us right if you come back and you're like no He actually sucks. He's a terrible guy then that's a whole other thing But I want you to spend some time writing down what it is and it sounds so common sense right me on the other side of this thing I can be like bro. You got to do X Y & Z and all these things totally
But I want you to, he needs to hear you say, I need you. Is that Hollywood? No. Hollywood, he's just supposed to read your mind and know and have downloaded all the childcare info and all that kind of stuff. I'm not trying to provide this guy a pass, right? He's that interested in plumbing. He could get that interested in child raising. I know he could figure that stuff out. I'm just saying, at home, he's trying to come up with other options down the road. And here's how I can love you guys.
And if you say, actually, here's how you could love us right now, that becomes a compelling message other than no, no, you can't do that. Because my guess is that'll send him running for the door even faster. Or maybe not. Maybe he'll just live dead in his own skin and blame you for the whole time. And that's resentment. And we don't want that either. Yeah, not a good time. I'd love to talk to him, though. I want to find out if he's a great guy like I'm hoping he is or if he's kind of a box of turds. But Kelly, I can see you just fuming over there. What are you thinking?
I'm flabbergasted. Okay. Flabbergast away. At me or him? Him. Okay. You a little bit. Yeah. Only because you're being nicer than I. And I think the crew in here are. I just, you know, yes, you're holding that six-month-old, and I get all that. And tough crap. Yeah. You can't run away. She's going to have three children under nine months old.
But you know what that means. No, actually, I don't because I brought mine home older than that. So no, I don't. I know, but you know, again, maybe I, am I, am I, which one is right? Michelle, you can answer this. Am I, am I being too soft on this guy?
I want to say no, because I know him and he means totally well. And trust me, I think he's amazing. But it's just one little thing. Well, moving out for three years is a huge thing. It's not one little thing. I guess, Kelly, here's the thing that catches me.
I personally remember, and maybe I'm too biased for this call. I personally remember thinking, I don't know how to do this and I don't know how to do this. I can help my family at the office. And so I took another job and then another job and then another job. And him circling back saying, I'm trying to set us up so in five years I can be with you guys fully.
which we all know that's not true. None of that is true. He's going to have, if he's successful and that's successful, there'll be 54 more branches open across the country. Right. So that's not even true. But either he's lying or he is saying, okay, I want to be here all the time. And if I just sacrifice right now, and he just doesn't understand, you can't burn that time. And I do get that. And I, and I, and I see that where he feels like that's the best thing that he can do. Just, just,
It's madness. Any rational person is madness to leave your wife for three days. Michelle, I'm totally team you here on this one. I am too. I just know that running is not the option. Yeah, you can't. Not the right time. Not the right time. I, Michelle, want – again, instead of you saying no, I want to hear you write out for yourself and for him, here's why I need you here. And this might sound so absurd and so dumb, but –
But he needs to hear, and not just tasks. You need to do diapers. This is a marriage-building moment. This is a before and after for your marriage. I see you, and I need you, and I want you here. And I know you don't think that you're providing things. You are. You're a critical piece. You're way more important than some stupid plumbing business. You're their dad. You're my husband. You're the foundation of this home. I need you here, especially during these first few crazy years.
Thanks for the call, Michelle. Give him that gift. And if he rubs your nose in it, call me back and I'll eat crow and then we'll call him together. That'd be fun. But hopefully, hopefully Kelly is shaking her head at me. We'll be right back.
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All right, we're back. Hey, before we take the next call, listen, I missed the math on this. Huge whiff on my part. All right, you were doing the math, Kelly. What do you got on this last call here? Okay, well, we just figured out that if their infant is six months old right now and they're due with twins in May, that's three months from now.
that means there's going to be nine months. That means there was some rocking on to the break of dawn, like in the hospital. Yeah, or like the day they came home, which concerns me more for Michelle because...
Because, whoa. That's not safe for her. And so I think that lends— I totally whiffed on that math. That lends to why I felt the way I did about him was because of this as well. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the math is different. Judgey Janet over here. I know. And I normally don't get this worked up about him, but I just—that on top of everything else, it left a bad taste. Gosh, I wish we could get him back on the phone. We won't do it on this one, but I'd love to know the math on that.
Michelle, if you're listening and we're wrong on the math, please, please, please tell me. We'll clarify it on the show. But yes, if, oh man, I whiffed on that one. There is signs in the hospital that says like, like, here's the deal. They have to give, tell you to take time because you know somebody's tried.
Oh, 100%. Even the ones like no sex during the, like, while somebody's in labor. Like, you know that those signs are up because somebody has tried it. Signs and warnings only happen after somebody's tried it. That's astonishing to me. Yeah, like when you read some stupid, like, you know, label about... Do not ingest. Yeah, it's because someone has done it. God help us all. We're doomed. Let's go out to Carroll, Iowa and talk to Victor. What's up, Victor?
Hey, John, how's it going? Good, man. What's up? Well, if you don't mind, I've got a thought about your conversation just now. Yeah, let it rip. If I tried to get anywhere, like sidle up to my wife in any way in the first six months, she would have shot me. Well, that's because y'all are from Iowa. That's kind of the thing. But no, dude. Yeah. I don't know how this math works.
Sheesh. No, you want to stay away from that. What's up, man? Anyway, well, on the subject of my wife and being a mother. Nice transition. Yeah. My question is, how do I help her to stop mothering everybody that isn't her child?
Hmm. Tell me about that. You're on dangerous thin ice, homie. I'll walk up there a little bit. Okay. Go for it. Yeah. She's the one who brought it up in a conversation a little bit ago, but so, uh, long story short, when she was about 12, um,
Her dad was having some serious, occasionally life-threatening health issues. Her mom had a bad miscarriage, and she became kind of pseudo-mother. And she's the second oldest, but she loves to cook. She bakes when she gets angry. That sounds awesome.
Yeah, well, it's great, except that our kitchen is perpetually dirty at the moment. So I don't get, she's just angry with nowhere to vent. But yeah, she, since 12 years old, she's been mother to her siblings and some of her extended family as well. I mean, her youngest aunt is, I think, three years older.
So who's she over-mothering now? Well, she's trying really hard not to, but we've got one of her younger brothers living with us. We had her older sister and her two boys living with us a short time ago, maybe a year ago. And it's just the whole family is always talking to each other and...
And so the opinions fly, the gossip flies. And she tries really hard to not put her opinions into everybody else's ear and remind herself that most of them are adults and they have their own lives and they have their own mother. Yeah, but when they move into your house,
Well, and when they moved into our house, her older sister was recently divorced, had a, what, seven, no, eight, nine-year-old. And those two are bonkers. Well, here's the thing. I say it on the show all the time, and this is a perfect example of it. The things that your body and spirit and mind and nervous system did to survive as a kid will blow up your adult relationships.
Yeah. Well, and that's where everybody else is outside the house.
But she's never given herself permission to ask that question, and you're going to have to be a steadfast supporter in you got to put your oxygen mask on first. And then the second thing is she's going to have to practice being uncomfortable saying no because she doesn't have a psychology for it. She doesn't have a wiring for it. Yeah. Well, she learned somewhat. She's –
There was a while she was bouncing around between relatives helping with babies because there's, for the last six years, there's been two or three babies across the family at a time. Okay, but tell me, like, let's pause all that. How's your marriage? Well, we're, at the moment, we're struggling. We've been married about three years. We've got a two-year-old and a nine-month-old. Why are you struggling? And...
Well, a lot of it's a lot of it's stress of work. I'm stressed out because I don't feel like we have enough. We have enough money for our bills and then a little despair. But to me, it doesn't feel like enough. And she's trying to she's been trying to get me to understand that we do have enough.
Um, yeah, but our house is always disaster. Both of you. That's it. Your house, you brought that up to what your house is a disaster. You don't, you don't think you have enough money. How's your, what's your, um, sex and intimacy life like? It's pretty good actually. Awesome. We were, we try to be very open with each other and I'm a very much a physical touch guy. Um,
And so we try to be open with each other, but at the same time, I have a really, I've always had a hard time articulating what I'm feeling. I just don't have that toolbox. Yeah, I want to lean on you, though. That can't be a thing you sit on. That can't be a lawn chair you lean back in. You got to go forward. And it might be writing it down and writing it down and writing it down until you can say, here's what I want. I want you. Here's what I need.
How can I love you today? And then vice versa. But y'all have to, here's the thing. If she doesn't feel anchored at home, she's going to just default back to 12 year old, her 12 year old, her 12 year old, her. Cause that's what her nervous system knows. Yeah. That, that neural wiring is already in place. And if she feels anchored and has a purpose and connected at her house, then she can have a chance to begin to practice these other things. But y'all have to have a shared, a shared path moving forward, which is as for our house,
And you can be honest about, hey, I don't think we have enough. And she can say we have plenty. And then the beauty about that conversation is it's a math problem, right? And in my house, it's a math problem. And I'm a little bit crazy on one end. And my wife is a little bit open-handed on the other end. And we both make space for each other. It doesn't bother her one tiny bit to have a mortgage on a house that you're paying off with some speed. I can't sleep at night.
And I really want a deep freezer with like a year's worth of food in it. She's like, okay, whatever. So we make some concessions for each other because we're on the same team. But almost always when I hear somebody defaulting back to their time when they were a kid, it's because their body recognizes I'm out of control again. Yeah. Well, and growing up, she had...
three generations within 100 square yards. There was grandma and grandpa and their kids and then each there were three or four other families of the
Okay, again, you keep taking me back. I want to come here. Well, and that's the reason I bring that up is she, in some of our hardest moments in the last couple of weeks even, she is wondering, do we stay here in Iowa? Do we move back to New Mexico or to Idaho where both of our families are? Okay, now let's have that real question. So that we can be close for years.
for kids like help of kids with grandparents and stuff like that and you need to be able to say I would love that for you like that's great and wonderful or that terrifies me and here's why otherwise you're going to end up moving across the country in a move that you don't think is good for her or your family or you and you're going to resent her and the family or you're just going to keep plowing ahead and trying to make more money at work and she's going to resent you you'll got to put that stuff on the table yeah
Her going back home to become a surrogate mother for all these kids is probably not a wise move right now with her own two kids and a very young, young, young marriage. But it also may be a place where she gets some help with the kids too. Is she lonely? Yeah. Are you? That's one thing she says a lot. I'm not sure how to answer that. Do you have guy friends that you hang out with?
No, I want to. I've never had a, never really had a gang as it were. I would put that at the top, top, top of your priority list. And I'm telling you as a fellow guy, it's the worst. I hate it. Yeah. But our bodies come home dysregulated and our family absorbs our attention when we do that. Yeah. I can absolutely see that in our boys.
And dude, I invited my neighbor to a concert the other night. I gave him like two hours notice. He's got a toddler. Of course he couldn't make it. And I was like, oh man, I was, I was embarrassingly nervous all day to text him. Me, me, I wrote the book on this. And I was like, man, I don't know, dude, what if the concert's weird? It's not good. It was so ridiculous.
And you know what? It ended up being magic. A great fun night. My buddy Brian Welch from Korn shows up. I mean, the whole thing was ended up getting off the rails. It was a blast. And because I was a chicken all day, I didn't give this guy enough time. Right? I'm still working through it. I tell you that to tell you there's amazing opportunities for connection on the other side of just being awkward and going first. This could be weird, man. Yeah. But here's all the things I'm telling you. I'm throwing a lot at you. Yeah. What matters the most is you and your wife decide...
Let's clear the deck. What kind of home and marriage do we want to have? Because we get to build whatever we want. You have bricks in your backpack from your childhood. Your wife has bricks in her backpack from her childhood. She's got automated default setting to run across the country and save everybody from themselves because she had to do that growing up. You've got your default settings, which is probably scarcity and not enough money. We've got to work, got to work, got to work. And y'all need to sit down and say, okay, those things kept us safe and got us here. And we get to choose what happens next.
And you saying, I just don't do that well. It's not my toolkit. You got to get that toolkit. You got to learn how to talk openly and directly with your wife. That's the way you can love her. Clear as kind, right? And her vice versa. And, and, and, and, and, and, and. And so I guess the answer is to how does she stop mothering is let's get her a place where she can anchor in with you. Anchor in in a way that she's never anchored in before. And by the way, her body tells her that you might die. You might leave. You might get sick.
And so let's honor that. Her body's not broken. It's just running a script that it already knows. I will be right here. How can I love you today? I'll be right here. What kind of marriage do we want to build? And we're going to build it, and we're going to build it, and we're going to build it. And it might include moving. It might include not moving. It might include one year of just you socking away a bunch of money in an emergency fund so that you can exhale some, and then you'll move across the country to New Mexico. Who knows what it ends up being? But it's going to start with y'all saying,
As for our house, we're going to choose peace. And what does that even mean? Thank you so much for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right?
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Go check out Halo at halo.com slash deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. This is the second time we're back because Kelly's not reading it read good. Go ahead, Kelly. I'm blaming it on... Here we go, the cough syrups. Yes, because I've had the flu and I'm just back in... The brain is still not 100% engaged. I'm not going to lie. It always is. Otherwise...
Well, somebody has to be. 100% engaged. Yep. All right. So this is from Sarah in California, and she writes, My husband and I have had a bit of a strained sex life. On my end is due to lack of emotional intimacy. He knows this. On his end, he says he's tired of being rejected. I have made attempts to bridge the connection by reaching out in a sexual nature. For example, I got us a couple's sex adventure book.
When I do these things, I am met with responses like, well, that's going to make a nice paperweight. This makes me feel rejected and my efforts die there. Am I the problem for letting these comments get to me? No. Like sex and rejection are so deeply intertwined. It's like so personal. I mean, it's the ultimate, this is all of me. Do you still love me? And when somebody is like, hey, this is all of me.
Even underneath my skin, right? And I'm trying. And when somebody tries in a vulnerable state and it's met with, oh, that's stupid. Dude, that cuts to the soul, man. Yeah, no, not at all. I would be heartbroken. And I'm so sick of the, I'm tired of getting rejected all the time.
We need another, we need some more language there. Right. Um, cause that's just trying to make somebody else's life all about you. Let's get some different language there, man. But yeah, I, yeah, she's, she has every reason to feel heartbroken. This is a conversation that needs to happen in, uh, in the daytime, like over a breakfast, like, Hey, we're not seeing each other. I, I hear what needs to happen. And dude, what was the book?
She just said it was a... A sex adventure book? Adventure book. Yeah. Dude, tell her to put the link in the show notes on that one. Love you guys. Bye.