Shownotes Transcript
My wife and I, we've been married for a year and a half. She's been having a physical and emotional affair with one of my co-workers. And my co-worker happens to also be a lesbian. Forget your co-worker for a second. What about your wife, dude? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show.
Talking to people all over the world about challenges in their relationships, their mental and emotional health. All kind of crazy things in this world that we're all trying to figure out how to navigate. It feels like every day the news gets wilder and wonkier and...
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Talk to Derek. What's up, Derek? Hey, Dr. Deloney. What's up, homie? How we doing? I've been better. Uh-oh. What's going on, man? So, yeah, my wife and I, we've been married for about a year and a half. And just around our anniversary time, well, two weeks ago I found out, but I found out that around our anniversary time, a one-year mark, that she's been having a...
like a physical and emotional affair with one of my coworkers. And, um, uh, my coworkers that happens to also be a lesbian. Um, one of those, like looks like one talks like one thinks like one type of, um, chicks. And, um, what does that mean? Um, like she, you know, she, um,
On testosterone, she's a woman who thinks and acts and looks like a dude, really. But your wife is with her now? No. So when I found out, it was pretty much like they seemed like they were breaking up, like they were ending their relationship. Part of my coworker feeling guilt and kind of... Forget your coworker for a second. What about your wife, dude?
Yeah, I mean, she, yeah, she also was feeling guilt about it, but she seemed like she was pretty emotionally involved with this person for all the, for everything that I saw with them. Okay. How old are you, man? How old are you? I'm 36. 36. Is this your first marriage? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm sorry this happened, man.
Yeah, me too. It kind of was unseen and kind of just blew up. And yeah, it's been going on for three months and I just found out a couple weeks ago. Yeah. So what's your next move, man? How can I help? Well, yeah, so the reason my call is, I guess, how do I, you know, do I...
tell my supervisor at work, how do I confront this other person or tell her I know? How do I talk to family and get insight from them? How can I give my wife a second chance knowing that within a year of us being married that she's already been lying and cheating on me? How else has she lied in this first year? Well, throughout other discoveries, I found out about all this because I went through her phone
One night, I found out that there's certain red flags and stuff. Other stuff would be she went places that she didn't tell me. She'd say she's doing one thing and went other places. But for the most part, this was a big, big lie. Other things would be turning off her location. I couldn't see where she's going. Kind of a little deceitful.
acts like that. She doesn't want to be married to you, man. Yeah, I mean... I hate to say it that blunt, dude, but is she spending money like crazy too? I found out that, yeah. Yeah, she was spending money like crazy. She was spending... She was sending money to people telling it was to family members when she was really buying other stuff with it. Yeah, brother, she doesn't want to be married, man.
You know, she's obviously right now going through a whole apologetic phase. And, you know, she did mention she kept in touch. She stays in touch with her ex-husband who cheated on her.
And she says that, you know, through the text that I saw, that she wants to talk to him about divorce. But mainly because, like, I want kids. And recently she said that she doesn't want to have kids. And she's questioning her, you know, she brought up that she's bisexual recently. And she's kind of, she told me that she was giving me signs and all this. Derek, listen to me. Derek, she doesn't want to be married to you, man.
You can cloud it up and convolute it as much as you want. She doesn't want to be married to you. So you don't think there's a second chance of just really giving her, like if she admitted she screwed up and that it was a one-time thing due to me not giving her the affection and attention that this other person slightly gave to her? No, dude, it's madness and you know that.
Yes, I believe couples can come back together. I do. But like she told you, she's been giving you hints for a long time. She didn't really want to do this. Let me say it this way. She doesn't want the life that you want. You want to have a traditional marriage. You want to have kids. You want to have somebody that doesn't cheat on you. You want to have someone that doesn't steal from the family funds and go who knows where. You want to be with somebody that you don't have to wonder where they are no matter what they tell you because they lie all the time.
Yeah. And she doesn't want that life. She wants to go where she wants to go, sleep with who she wants to sleep with, not have any more responsibilities, not disconnect from her ex. She doesn't want this life, man. Yeah. I mean, it's just crazy to think of. I know. I mean, you don't. I know. It's crazy. Y'all just went through this. How long have y'all been dating? We've been together for four years and married for about,
About 14 months. Did she cheat on you while you were dating? No. No, but I mean, the only crush that she really has against me or that she uses against me that kind of said that she lost trust in me and all that was while we were engaged and I was going to a school, there was a girl in my class that was strictly only professional. We never communicated outside.
And the only thing I ever did was it was kind of a rough patch in our relationship. And she was drunk all the time. And I was kind of fed up with everything that was going on. And all I did was look up. I typed in this other person's name on social media.
I saw that her account was private and that's all it was. I didn't friend request her. I didn't message her. I just left it at that. And then that night she went through my phone and saw that I was, I guess, curious about this other person I was in class with. Yeah, dude, that's not a violation of trust, homie. It's not. That's just her looking for some way that she can get out of this mess. I didn't even think about substance abuse. She's using all the time. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Recently.
Recently, yeah. Yeah. So here's the thing. You can do whatever you want to do. You're a grown-up, okay? You can plow ahead and just do life without some sort of radical change in what I would call core character, somebody who tells the truth, somebody that isn't running around hiding from emotion, someone who believes in fidelity.
Somebody who, if they say they're no longer married to somebody else, they stop reaching out to them and trying to hang out with them and telling them secrets about their current marriage. Without that, man, I mean, you can hang on all you want, dude, but she doesn't want to be in this marriage, period. And just remember her words. I've been giving you signs. Yeah. Now, as for, I don't know, man, you can go after your coworker or whatever, whatever.
That was an act of betrayal if y'all were friends and coworkers or whatever. But I think that's a distraction. I think the problem is your wife. Yeah. But I mean, I guess, I mean, seeing this person now, I mean, we don't directly work, but it would be through either passing or on jobs or, you know. But I mean, what's your boss? Your boss isn't going to, is it against the company policy?
I'm not sure. I mean, it'll probably look really frowned. I mean, people look down on her. I mean, she's trying to essentially promote and get a higher position. Honestly, bro, I don't think it's going to... I mean, you can do what you're going to do, man. I personally wouldn't spend my energy sitting down and having a big conversation with my boss. In most companies in the...
In the United States, if you're good at your job, that's what they care about. And you can be with whoever you want to be with off company time. You can go do that, but I don't know what it's, it's more likely to just make work really an uncomfortable place. It's already uncomfortable, obviously. You can burn whatever you want to the ground. That's your life. I think the bigger issue here is dealing with this woman doesn't want to build a life with you.
doesn't want to be married to you and doesn't want, doesn't share the same values that you share. And that to me is the bigger, more honest place you find yourself. And I'm so sorry that it happened to you, man. I can't tell you what to do next. I can tell you, I don't have a lot of faith in your wife. I've got zero faith actually. And I don't know how you build a marriage on a hundred percent lack of faith and trust. You can't.
So unless there's a major turnaround there, yeah, man, unfortunately, I think things are pretty tough for you right now. Thanks for the call, man. Call me back anytime if I can help in any way. We'll be right back.
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All right, we are back. Please hit the subscribe button and go leave that five-star review for me. It really helps out the show, helps put this show into more people's algorithms so that they can get, man, some rational, honest talk about their relationships and their mental and emotional health, cutting through some of the nonsense out there. Let's go to Appleton, Wisconsin and talk to Kelsey. Hey, Kelsey, what's up? Hey, what's up? Nothing much, man. What about you?
Oh, nothing much. I'm super nervous. It's all good. It's all good. What's up? Yeah. So, well, I have a lot of problems in my life, but I'll just get to the one that I... Pick three or four. Let's just start there. Pick one. You can find me like a whole week's worth of shows about my life, but...
Anyways, my question today is how can I talk to my fiance about his weight without seeming shallow or too judgmental? I guess my first question is, are you being shallow and judgmental? I mean...
I'm concerned for his health. Okay. So, I mean, he's great in every other way. Like, I couldn't have picked a better person for myself. But, like, I think, like, when we first got together, I was really attracted to the fact, like, I'm on a weight loss journey. I...
Just lost 90 pounds. I go to the gym five days a week, you know, and even our first dates were like going to the gym and going for bike rides and everything like that. But we moved in together about a year ago and all of that just stopped.
So he's gained all that weight back and then some, and I just, he has no motivation to do anything like work out with me, go for a walk with me, anything. So I just don't know how to like approach it and like be like, Hey, like you need to take control of your house. And I'm just worried about you. I don't want to marry you in a month just to have to,
bury you in five years. That's what you just told me. That's exactly how you say it. Okay. I just, that's exactly how you say it. And by the way, if you weren't attracted to him, I wouldn't think you're being shallow either. Okay. You're allowed to be attracted to who you're attracted to. And I know that plays a part of into it, but my guess is yes, he's gained 100 pounds in a year.
Mm-hmm. That tells me he's got some significant other challenges going on in his life. Well, I've asked him if he wants to go to counseling with me because I go to counseling every other week. And he says, no, like there's nothing going on. And I just, it has caused like some issues in our relationship. Of course it has. Of course it has. And by the way, I've never in my entire life ever,
met with somebody, sat down with somebody, talked with somebody who gained a hundred pounds in a year that did not have some significant other challenges going on. Yeah. And you know that. Yeah. I mean, it's just like caused a lot of issues like sexually. Um, and like we went to Gatlinburg last year on vacation and just like, we couldn't do certain things because like we can do the mountain coasters or the zip lines and, um,
I mean, I know that's all stuff, but like... No, it's about a life you're building. And you have a particular life that you want to live. And the guy you started dating and guy you fell in love with would do those things. And the guy now that you're about to marry, for some reason, has just cashed out on his health. Yeah, and I just think it's my fault, honestly. Why? Because...
Well, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last fall. And so I just like, I don't know if like my... Kelsey, stop right now. Stop. I can't let you keep going with that. Yeah. Your ovarian cancer has zero to do with his 100 pound weight gain. Okay? Yeah. We're going to be done with that conversation. It's not true.
I just like, I don't want to make him feel bad because my whole life, my mom like would always be on me about my weight. And like, it just has caused so much, like, I don't know, PTSD. Like, that's what I think about constantly is like, is she going to tell me I look like I gained weight today? Or like, and I don't want him to feel that way. I know, but this isn't about weight gain.
This is about you're watching the man that you love slowly, slowly kill himself. And I guarantee you the light in his eyes has gone out, hasn't it? Yeah. Yes. That's what you're missing. The weight gain is the byproduct of, okay?
Mm-hmm. It's the alarm bells that are going off. It's a number on a scale we can see that, but this tells me there is something, several dramatic things going on inside the heart and chest and mind of this guy. And I don't know what to do because I'm always just trying to make sure he's okay. I know. He just seems... But he has to decide he wants to live a zestful, exciting, fun, rambunctious, adventurous life with his new wife. Mm-hmm.
He has to decide that you can't force it. And your mom tried to shame you into it. And you know, that doesn't work. She tried to belittle you into it. And you know, that doesn't work. So the exact conversation you just get had with me is what you have with him. We're a month out and I'm about to push pause on this wedding because I can't commit myself to somebody who's not interested in living a full life. And I've watched you over the last year, just give up on life.
I just have so much trauma in my life that it's scary he's going to leave me like my last husband did. Kelsey, he might. Yeah. He might. And he also might say, thank God somebody saw me. Yeah. But as you said, at this trajectory, you're going to bury him in five years, so he's going to leave anyway. Yeah.
It's just so hard because, you know, like I just know how I feel. I know. But can I also tell you this? He knows that there's a big disconnection between the two of you. He can feel it. He knows. Yeah. And there's a big disconnect with my kids as well. He's just, he's there, but it's like, he's not there for them. Yeah. They don't feel like. Listen, listen, you have a lot of feeling.
You see a counselor every other week. I think you should sit down with your counselor and say, okay, I need to have this hard conversation because I'm about to pause the wedding. I'm about to pause this because I can't be a part of somebody watching somebody just drown. And at some point you're going to have to have some boundaries with him and you're going to have to say, hey, you got to go see somebody. You've got to get on a plan. You got to meet with a nutritionist because I'm not going to watch my husband die. I'm just not going to watch that. I can't.
And I'm not going to belittle you and beat you up and scream at you because that happened to me my whole life. And I know what that feels like. And I know that, you know, nobody in the world knows, I mean, feels worse for this guy than he does. He knows. He gets it. But if nothing changes, nothing's going to change. And it appears that he is unable right now to flip that switch. And so some big shakeup has to happen.
And maybe you saying, hey, I'm pausing the wedding. We're not doing this yet. We're going to put it out six more months. We're going to put out one more year, but we got a lot of work to do. We have a lot of work to do because I deserve to feel alive in my own home. My kids, I want them to have a dad and I want you to have a full adventurous life. You're worth that.
So Kelsey, yeah, I know it's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. It's all these feelings, all that emotion. But that doesn't mean just because it's hard or just because it hurts that it's not the right move. And I think you are exactly right. This is absolutely the next right move. Your friend is on a very scary trajectory. And you're right to love him enough to say, I'm turning all the lights on. I love you too much. Just let this keep going. And at the end of the day, you can't control him. He could leave. He could just say, forget it. I'm not doing nothing.
Then you have to decide, am I going to watch this man slowly drown or am I going to step away? Because I can't force him to do anything. I'm so sorry you're in this position, Kelsey, but I'll also say on his behalf, thank God he's got you. And man, I hope he'll hear you. Sit down with your counselor and get some very clear talking steps and make sure you're clear about what you want to say. Write it down and then take them out and say, we're going to push pause on the wedding because I'm not all right and I know you're not all right.
Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times, and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help.
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Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P, dot com slash Deloney. All right, let's go out to Shreveport, Louisiana, write down old I-20 there and talk to Abby. Hey, Abby, what's up?
Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for calling me. I was just listening to your show this morning. Well, I appreciate you. Hopefully it was a good show this morning. It was. What's up? Well, I currently work my dream job away from home, but I'm getting married in a couple of months and I'm worried about my ability to be the wife that I want to be.
While working off. And I don't know at what point do I give up on my dream job? What is working off? What do you mean? I work about two hours away from home. And during the week, I have to stay out of town. And then I only get to come home on the weekends. So can we say out of the gate, this is clearly not a dream job? It's a job that you like. Yes. It's a great job, but it does not give you the life you want.
No, it's like I have to sacrifice my personal life to have this work life that I want. And what do you want this work life for?
I'm just really passionate about the work that I get to do. I get to work with animals regularly. I'm out in the woods every day. And so it's extremely fulfilling in that aspect. But I do have to sacrifice a lot of my personal life for that. So you tell me, what's the chances of moving closer?
The only reason that that is not an option for us is my fiance makes significantly more money than I do at this job. And his job is located two hours away from this one. So moving is just not an option because he would have to take such a significant pay cut for us to do that.
Man, you guys have boxed yourselves in, haven't you? Yes, we have. And both of our families live close to where his job is, and we are extremely close to our families and want to keep that. Our goal has always been to live close to our families so that one day when we do have kids, you know, we're raising them with our village. Okay.
So, is some of this he knows who he married and he knows that you're out of town four days a week? Yes. Yeah, he knows. He's extremely supportive. My job is also his dream job. So, he's extremely supportive and he understands why I'm doing it. The hope has been for me to eventually get a job down in central Louisiana where we live. But,
And it seems like that's not going to become a thing anytime soon because I've been waiting on some jobs to come open, but they've been canceled with a lot of the federal funding cuts. Yeah, no kidding. And they've been pushed back. Yeah, that's a conservation nightmare. I've been reading up on that. It's wild, man. Yes, it is. So what is it about your job that you love?
I would say it doesn't even feel like I'm working when I'm at work. Like I get to trap and band ducks and respond to wildlife emergency calls. I get to help landowners manage their properties so that they get quality deer food.
and I'm just, I'm outside and I'm having fun and I'm in the sunshine every day. Like it just feels like I'm outside playing every day, but it's work and I'm getting paid for it. And I can't tell you how many times I've been working and I'm like, man, I can't believe I'm getting paid right now. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have a good solution for you, sister. I'm sorry. I wish I did. I don't have a great solution. I mean, it, it,
I think my most recent fear with it, especially with all of these cuts, is if I do leave my job so that I can be home full time, I'm afraid that I'll never find another biologist job again, especially not one that's this fun. Because a lot of the jobs...
In my field, you're doing a lot of soil work and plant work. It's not as wildlife-based, but this job is extremely wildlife-based. It's like I hit the jackpot with a biologist job with this one. Sure. Well, and I guess there's two things I would put on the table. One is nobody in the world, nobody saw a...
conservative Senate house and presidency coming in and all of the resulting cuts to public land conservation. Nobody saw that coming. No, I definitely didn't. Nobody did it in a billion years. Nobody saw that. Right. Right. I'm watching the most conservative people I know who are outdoorsmen just like in a panic. Right. I'm reading up on, I'm like, it's nobody saw that coming. Here's what I tell you that the job that you have is,
will it still be here in 18 months, 24 months, 36 months? That's number one. I think it's the sense that like, it's always going to be here. And all of your colleagues thought that too. They thought that a month ago. Right. Right. So that's number one. The second one is,
This one's unpopular, right? My still probably my top one or two favorite jobs ever of all time. Like the job I have right now is like a glitch in the matrix. It's not real. Okay. Yeah. That's how I feel about my job. Yeah, exactly. It's, it's, it's silly. This is my job. Okay. I was a high school basketball coach and a track coach.
I loved it. And I coached cross country and then I went to basketball season and then went to track season and I was unmarried. I had no kids. And so I got up at six o'clock. I had to be in my classroom by like 640. So, cause the bell rang at 710 or something got awful early and I'd get home at midnight and I did, that was just my life. And I loved it. I loved it.
And I get to look back on it now in season as the great job that it was. It was a blast. I got to hang out with lots of amazing high school athletes, lots of amazing high school kids. I mean, it was just an amazing coaches. I got to learn so much. It was a great time in my life and it wouldn't be completely impractical now with the life I have now.
Right. And that's what I feel like I'm moving on to a new season of my life with getting married. And I have ideas of the kind of wife I want to be. I want to be available, you know, and...
I just, I see how much my job takes away from my personal life and this dream, this idea of what I have, of what I want my personal life to be. Can I tell you what I think about you? How old are you? I'm 25. I think you're a person, maybe I'm crazy.
I think you're a person that will find joy at just about any job in the world. You know what? My fiance actually told me that I'm a wildflower and I can grow anywhere I go. I think he's right. I just listening to you talk.
You know what was so crazy? My next job, I loved it. And then the job after that, I loved it. And there's some parts I don't love that aren't fun about every job. Right now, Kelly's staring right at me. I don't love that, right? But like, I think you're a kind of person that's just going to have pretty much a great life where you go. What I don't want you to do is I don't want you to have a fantasy about this picture of what being a wife is going to look like and then subsequently feel like.
Right. And then dump all that on your husband. Okay. Because then you're going to resent him that you're not out running around with deer. Right. Yeah. If you make this transition, I want you to take full ownership of it and there's going to be some sad parts to it. Just because you miss your old job and grieve it doesn't mean that you creating this new picture isn't of great value and it's going to be awesome. Mm-hmm.
I agree. And you know yourself well enough to know I probably will not be good sitting in a windowless office. Yeah, I would go crazy. Yeah, go crazy. So cool. But I don't know. I don't know, like joining a yard crew or joining a land management team up there in central Louisiana. Like, who knows? But it wouldn't be a biologist. But man, you've got a skill set that would be amazing to ranchers, to...
city parks to I don't know you could be the next Leslie Knope I don't know but you just see like a person that's gonna just be so full of joy wherever you go I appreciate that and I think that wherever I go it'll be whatever I make of it yeah I do agree with you saying that but can we also say this this pretty sweet gig you have
It is. It's all right to be really sad about it. Yes. And maybe you're right. Like, it is just a season of my life that I'll look back on and...
show photos to my kids and be like, look how awesome your mom used to be. Well, hopefully I'll still be awesome. You'll still be awesome, but instead of tagging ducks, you'll be all camoed up and you'll be like, now we're hunting them, right? I don't know what you'll be doing. But like, I think it'll be up to you to make sure I know what keeps me whole and well, and that is being outside.
Right. And I'm just, I've been doing this now for close to two years and I can feel, I feel myself getting burnt out. The job duties that keep me going, like that's the only thing that keeps me going. But as soon as I'm off the clock, I'm sad because I know I'm not going home. That's right. To my home. That's right. So let's, let's, let's,
Let's do a couple of things. One, let's exhale. What an amazing two years you've been able to have. You got a biologist dream job. You've been running around and it fit you like a glove. This particular job for this particular season. That's amazing. And you've decided, I want to have this other kind of life and it's not going to be compatible. I can't drive two hours one way to work.
And so I'm going to grieve it. I'm going to be sad about it. Maybe you and your husband have a ceremony, like a, like a, like a cheesy little ceremony. Like this is the end of this particular season. And now I'm going to work really hard to find an outdoor job, a job I can run around and it's not going to be as good, but we're not going to compare because we've got a much bigger world that we're trying to create now. And when you have those moments where you feel sad or you see a whole bunch of deer on the side of the road, when you're driving in the middle of Louisiana, you can have that little lump in your throat. Like, Oh, so fun. Um,
Or, man, this particular field, it needs to have this kind of grass instead of this. You'll be able to do all that kind of stuff.
But man, maybe you find yourself as a biology teacher and you are communicating to these kids like how amazing conservation is and how amazing the outdoor world is. I mean, that's awesome. But you get to create the next season of your life. And dude, I just applaud you for being a person who finds joy. And I applaud you for being a person who says, I have a different picture for my life and it's going to cost me the one I'm living right now.
I'm going to make that happen. You're amazing, Abby. Amazing, amazing. Hang on the phone. My wedding gift to you is we're going to hook you up with all the questions for humans, for couples, for you and your fiance, and as he becomes your husband. And also, hang on the line. I'm going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book, Work Your Wire To Do. It's got a...
like a survey in there, like an inventory to see what kind of jobs you might be interested in. And it might be a good way for you to start exploring new careers with the passions that you already have. So hang on the line here. I'll hook you up with those, with those gifts. Congratulations. And thank you for brightening up our show a little bit today. You're awesome. We'll be right back.
All right, so Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well-being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice, and any time can be a new starting point.
So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful.
Whether it's guided meditation, music, or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time, and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallow. When you sign up right now at hallow.com slash deloney, you'll get three months free
for free. So even if you missed out on Lent, it's still a great time to start. Again, go to hallow.com. That's H-A-L-L-O-W, hallow.com slash Deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. I have a money and marriage question here. Here's the question. Our son and daughter-in-law live about four and a half hours from us. She is his whole world, which we agree should be his first commitment. However,
while they spend time with her family almost weekly oh here comes the scorekeeping um we are lucky to see them two to three times a year all calls are initiated by us we're always very open with communication prior to their marriage but since then we feel like we've been shut out of their lives often we've gently told them we love them and we want to love and support them even though we are not nearby we've shown we are more than willing to visit them but we are never invited how
How do we manage resentment that keeps resurfacing mostly towards our daughter-in-law? Number one, get over yourself. Get over yourself. You raised an independent son who is off creating the life that you raised him to create. Get over it. That's number one. Now, number two, don't just get all the way over it. Okay. I want you to pick up the phone and tell your son I'm coming down to probably his dad and
Dad, I'm coming down to meet with you, son. I want to take you to lunch, take you to breakfast, just us two. And drive down and say, hey, I'm creating a whole bunch of stories in my head. Me and your mom are creating a whole bunch of stories in our head. And I guess I just want to tell you, I miss you. And it's not your job to make us feel like we have purpose in the world or whatever, but we really miss you. And we miss how connected we used to be. And we know that you're married and we know you've got a new life and we know we get all that. But man, we miss you.
What does it look like for us to visit? What does it look like? You've turned into a bad caller, a bad communicator. I'd love to talk to you, but I want to feel like we're not invading on you. What's the best way we can do this? We feel like behavior is a language. We feel like we're getting a message you don't want to send your life. And maybe y'all are too much. Maybe he's finding a different level of peace with being around his new wife and her family.
Maybe he just gets to exhale. I don't know. I don't know if you all show up and you're criticized and complain. If you're like, well, why are you doing this? I don't know. Who knows? I don't know what the dynamic is. But if dad drives down and meets with his son, presence is a huge thing. And saying the words, hey, I've been making up all these stories over the last couple of years. I'm so happy for you. And golly, I miss you, man. I miss you so much. The stories I'm making up are that
Like we drive you crazy. You don't want to talk to us anymore. And I don't want to be a burden, but also, man, we miss you. And sometimes I wish you'd call your mom. Talk to me, bud. Talk to me. And that's how I'd approach it. Unspoken secrets, unspoken frustrations turn into those resentments. And that's not fair for his new wife.
It's not fair because your son doesn't call you and y'all don't like calling him. You want him to have to do the work. Fine. You can put those expectations on him, but if he doesn't meet them, blaming his new wife is simply unfair. It's not cool. I also want y'all to be reflective. Are y'all critical? Do y'all show up and just sit on your phones the whole time? Do y'all show up and don't have any idea? Like, what do y'all want to do? I don't know. I don't know. Like, like,
How are y'all participating in his life? And then some of it is, yeah, man, this is kind of what happens. He goes off and begins his new adventure. And maybe calls being initiated by you aren't such a bad thing. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. This one's tough, man. The only way this gets solved is by people speaking face to face with each other and being humble and saying, hey, I miss you. Hey, I'm making up stories. You sent this text and I interpreted it this way. Am I out to lunch?
My story is I'm making y'all crazy. We've made you crazy. My story that we're making up is your new wife doesn't like us. Is there ways, is there things we can do to become more likable because we want to be around you guys? That's the way to have that conversation. Giving your son more chores as an adult as he's starting his new family is just a recipe for him to continue to isolate and go on about his life without you. Now it's time to have mano y mano. Two guys sitting down saying, I miss you, buddy. How can we reconnect?
Love you guys. Bye.