Wife Wants to Divorce After I Went to a Strip Club
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We started to kind of do better, and I think she just felt an obligation. So my question is, how do I navigate life after a sudden divorce? And it wasn't even like a week, and she served me papers at like the beginning of November. What in the world's going on? Happy New Year. This is John with the Dr. John Deloney Show, talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health.

You're raising kids, trying to keep a marriage together. Look, whatever you got going on in your life, trying to navigate a divorce, whatever you got going on in your life, here's my promise. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Last two decades plus, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move after they've blown their lives up or someone else has blown their life up or just life has happened. So if you want to be on the show, I'd love to have you. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291.

or go to johndeloney.com slash ask. And before we start the show, please hit the subscribe button. Hit the subscribe button, especially on the YouTubes and the podcast. It makes such a huge difference across the board for us. All right, let's roll out to East Texas, almost Louisiana, but not quite. Tyler, Texas, and talk to Andrew. Hey, Andrew, what's up? So my question is, how do I navigate life after a sudden divorce?

I don't know what happened. Um, I have a few paragraphs if you don't mind, or would you rather just go into it? I mean, yeah, don't read all paragraphs, but, um, like just tell me the story. Um, me and my wife got together, um, in 2020. Um, that's when we got married. Um,

I had trauma from a sexual assault that happened to me by a superior in the army, um, in 2018. And before that, no, it's okay. Thank you. Um, and then an abusive relationship before that. Um, uh, after I got out of the army, I was abusing alcohol while I was in, um, secretly, uh,

keeping porn from her. Um, it got worse. Um, within the first year of marriage, um, I got out of the military. We moved in with her dad. Um, as I was transitioning to civilian life, we both got civilian jobs. Um, she, uh, eventually, uh, started sitting in a, in her car with a coworker that was higher up than her and told her to stop. She did. Um,

but kept doing it out of obligation. Like just sitting in the car like they were hanging out together a lot? Yeah, she made it sound like they were just, like she was naive to his intentions. She was a virgin when we got together, so I kind of gave her the benefit of the doubt. Were you wrong? No.

um yeah yeah he had other intentions uh yeah and she did too yeah yeah like well maybe not initially but she did too yeah and i think it was definitely not uh my fault but i did things that contributed you know like neglect and abusing weed after army the army and then uh lying about the porn and so when i got a feeling something was going on i uh

Came clean about half of my porn use. And I ended up catching her at his place. We ended up staying together. She said that they had just kissed. You know that wasn't true, right?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And then, uh, two months after that, she came clean and said it was more than that. Sure. And for like right after that, I used porn as a kind of like to make up for what she did. I was like, okay, you're going to be okay with porn. And she had seen that as cheating before, like when we early in our marriage before any of this. And, um, so bring me to now y'all get, y'all just finally called it.

Because this sounds like just a mess. Yeah, so after that we went to therapy. A therapist kind of said, okay, that was sexual assault because she tried to leave the two times that there was sexual assault and the second time was at the workplace and she said no and he got aggressive with her. And so it leaned more towards that even though she had put herself in the positions. And so with therapy... I mean, sexual assault is sexual assault is sexual assault.

I guess going over to somebody's house, hoping that it is just goes halfway and not all the way. I mean, this whole thing is messy, but I, I don't, I want to always start with if somebody gets sexually assaulted, you in the, in the army, um, her at the workplace, her with the boss, her with the power deck. I always want to start with, I'm going to sit with a victim first. Right. But what happened is what happens, what happened? Y'all reached a point where, um,

Y'all just couldn't make this thing work? Yeah, so it happened about three months ago, one of our last sessions in therapy. I pretty much said that I want a partner that's not going to care about

about porn because I, I stopped wanting to go out in public because I would look at people, she would get uncomfortable. We'd get distant. Um, I just, I was seeking therapy, trying to get help for that, for it. And so we were living with her dad, uh, who didn't hold any expectations for us would do dishes for us, like all the stuff I was getting VA money. So I was just

She started going to the gym on her own. And one of our last sessions, I said that I want a partner that doesn't care so I can stop for me because I didn't want to continue doing it. And she said she wanted me out of the house until I made a decision. And so I left and ended up intoxicated at a strip club. And I got a 10 minute lap dance, like at the end of the night.

And the next day I told her I was going to stop everything cold turkey. And then I went and I came back and everything started to go in the right direction. And then I showed concern or showed, uh, yeah, concerns that I wanted to go to the gym with her again. And that I wasn't going to look at anyone. She said she liked her time alone, um, brought up a few other reasons. And then pretty much right after that,

asked me the details of the strip club almost to like distance herself emotionally. And so I shared honestly, and that I regretted it all deeply. And, um, a week after that, we started to kind of do better. And I think she just felt an obligation to try to work through things and ended up saying that

the wounds felt too deep and said she wanted like a month to think about everything. And it wasn't even like a week. And she served me papers at like the beginning of November. Okay. And that's about it. So now like this episode will come out in January, but this is December. So are you in like the 60 day you're in Texas? So it's 60 day waiting period.

Yes, sir. So January 13th. January 13th is the final day. Okay. And as far as you know, this is over, over? As far as I know, she's not reaching out. I'm practicing the, you know, even if she wants to hang out, you know, better for me, you know, to heal, probably not to try to talk to her at all. Let me ask it this way. Okay. You're holding papers. They're in the 60-day period.

As far as you're concerned, is this marriage over? I feel like I've done everything. She served you. This isn't a judgment question. This just informs what happens next. Yeah. Okay. She's giving me no sign. So if there's a period at the end of this marriage, the question, how do you navigate a sudden divorce, is you put every ounce of energy you have into you getting well and you becoming somebody that

Okay.

It would make you feel a certain way. And maybe it did. But then you left. And you left your brotherhood. And you left camaraderie. And you also left abuse. And you left everything. And now you're just sitting at home collecting checks. And you don't believe in you anymore. And so we're going to drink. We're going to outsource sex. Not to our wives, but to strippers and to pornography. And we're going to outsource. We're going to smoke a lot. All you're doing is just every morning you get up.

And your alarms are going off. The ones that are supposed to keep you safe. The ones that are saying, dude, you only get one life. Make the most of it. And you're like, I can't today. And you climb up and you pull the batteries out. That's it. And so how do you navigate a sudden divorce? You grieve like crazy because this isn't how you drew it up. Yeah. And you get real, real sad. And you devote yourself not to mindless, I will be a beefcake. But you're going to go exercise. And you're going to go see a counselor.

And alcohol, weed, pornography, it's all Xanax. It's all a numbing device to keep you from being comfortable in... I'm sorry, to keep you from experiencing the discomfort you feel of living in your own skin. How long have you not liked Andrew? I guess I've been trying to figure that out. Don't try to figure it out. Just answer it. You haven't liked you for a long time. Probably like...

maybe second grade. I remember a teacher dumping my desk out in front of all the students because I was hiding papers, papers back there. Okay. And just that embarrassment and the shame and the isolation all by yourself. Yeah. Okay. So tonight I want you to write a letter to that second year, a second grade you, I don't want you to tell second grade you that shouldn't have happened. And it wasn't your fault that you got embarrassed and ashamed. You're just a second grade little kid hiding papers. And that teacher should have treated you with more dignity.

And I want you to make a commitment to 35-year-old Andrew that I'm not going to descend and become one of the millions of unmarriable men in this country. Yeah. But I'm going to develop a purpose. What do you want to do, man? I mean, that's a stupid question. Who do you want to help in this world? You can help people by being a plumber. You can help people by being a professor. You can help people by being a surgeon. You can help people by being a roofer. The job, I don't care. Who do you want to help?

Uh, I actually want to do some type of YouTube channel where I go to like parks, city parks or, um, colleges and ask people questions like what's your happiest memory? What's the most painful thing you've been through and just share people's stories. Okay. So that has a success rate of 2%. I just made that number up. I like it. I pay all my bills with YouTube show. So I'm not anti that.

But most YouTube people I see that are successful have built upon years of practicing. That's not everybody. There's some people who just show up, right? But how would you become good at interviewing? How would you become good at storytelling? By trial and error. Okay. How are you going to do that? Start researching, learning video editing, media marketing, that kind of stuff. That's the production side.

Here's what I'm trying to get you to do. I want you to be very granular and very specific about what your next steps are. What courses do you need to take? Do you need to go take some classes on how to sit with people who are hurting? What are you going to do when one of them says, well, my happiest moment was the day after my dad passed away? You know what I mean? Then now you're in it, right? Yeah.

What's the outcome? If you have a YouTube channel where you tell people stories about their happiest moments, what does that get you? I guess just a sense of sharing that with other people. Maybe that need to hear it. Keep going. Who needs to hear that? Someone like me. Keep going. What do you need to hear? That despite...

All of people's crazy stories that they're still there in front of whatever camera I got. Okay, I want you to remove the camera because you just said something profound to my friend Andrew. You can't give an audience what you don't have. I see. And I want you to first believe that there is life after tough stuff. And you going and reflecting everybody else's life.

journeys isn't going to heal that hole that's inside your chest right now you're going to have to sit down and decide i'm worth the work that it's going to take to heal the abuse what i saw during my military service my loneliness my failed marriage my rubbing my wife's nose in it her cheating on me all those things i got to work through those things and not dwell on them and live in them but i got to process them and get them out of my body so i can get on to the next stuff

Do you get what I'm saying? I don't want you chasing for other people what you're trying to give yourself. Rush into it either. I know that. Yeah. But here's what I hear you also say, that you want people to have a little bit of a better day. Yes. Yes. That when people get their head down or when the world knocks the wind out of them, you want there to be a path for them to see, no, no, no, no, no, that's just today, but tomorrow could be better.

And that's where I want you to consider using some of that VA money. And I want you to go consider becoming a counselor, even if it's just an addictions counselor, which is just a two-year program. I want you to become skilled in sitting with hurting people. Okay. And in the process of doing that, and dude, that might be, I learned working at Burger King that like it took 15 seconds for me when I was 17 years old, taking an order that if I said,

They would walk up to the register and they would just look straight at the menu. They wouldn't make eye contact and be like, oh, number one with no cheese. And I'd go, oh, hey, how are we doing today? Fine. No, no, really, how are we doing? And they would drop their shoulders and make eye contact with me. And it was almost a snap back to humanity. And I realized, oh, it takes about 15 seconds to plug in with somebody, to make somebody's day, to make them feel a little bit more human again. Or it takes 15 seconds to just completely blow by somebody

and let everybody pass each other in the day into the night. And so whether you're being a plumber, whether you're being a counselor, whether you're learning how to be in the presence of hurting people, you have a gift and that gift is you want to see other people have a little bit better day after they've met you than before. That's amazing. Very few people have that desire. That means you got to go get some skills. You got to learn how to do that. And you've got the VA money and as a taxpayer, I'm happy to support that.

your secondary education. Why don't you go get trained in how to do that? And along the way, if you start listening to stories and listening to stories and you start to realize, oh, there's a thread here. I could record this and put this on YouTube. That would be amazing. And along the way, I think you're going to find Andrew. You're going to realize Andrew's worth a little bit better day too.

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Hey folks, we all have stories. We have the family and cultural stories we were born into. We have the stories of the good and challenging things that have happened to us. And we have the stories we are constantly telling ourselves, both good and not so good. The stories of our pasts and the stories we have yet to write about our future are powerful. And while you can't go back and change any of your old stories, the world is waiting to see what story you're going to write next.

As we enter 2025, I want to encourage you to examine and even heal your old stories and be intentional about the new ones you're writing. And I'm not talking about goals that will be long gone by February. I'm talking about writing new stories that will change your life forever for the better. If you're like me, therapy can be a great place to explore the old stories and begin writing new ones.

Maybe think of your therapist as an editorial partner helping you write new, better stories. If you're considering therapy, I want you to consider BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, and you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

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All right, we are back. Don't forget, you can go over to the Ramsey Network app. This show is hosted by Ramsey Solutions and the Ramsey Network. And you can go over and get the Ramsey Network app. You can get the show a week early and some other cool stuff. Go check it out. I think you can, Kelly, is there a link in the show notes or something like that? Yes. A link in the internet. In the show notes below this episode.

I don't even know what that means. Luckily, I do. Let's go out to Omaha, Nebraska and talk to Julia Guglia. What's up, Julia? Hello. What's up? Hi, John. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thanks for calling. Yeah. All right. I'm...

51. I've been working since I was 24 in a legit career. I have switched careers one time already. I'm kind of at that point again. However, my husband, who is well compensated and really good at what he does, has a very high stress job. We also have what I like to call the golden handcuffs. We're at a point in our life where we have a mortgage and college savings. So the luxury that I had when I made that first career change is...

The timing is not the same. I'll put it that way. I have this pattern throughout my life of retreat, hide, push it down. To make way for everyone else's stress and problems, I don't stand up for my own. So here I am at a point in my life where I'm thinking I've got nine, 10 good years left till I want to retire. I'm in a job that while I love it, I feel like I'm going to retire.

I feel it's at odds with its own industry and it's just riddled with politics and it's become rather unfulfilling and lets me lose sleep at night. But coming to my husband right now and saying, hey, this kind of sucks. I'd like to change things up. Feels like an impossibility. And I'm wondering what's my right next step, as you like to say. I hope that made sense. Yeah, totally. There's a lot there. There's a lot here.

Okay. Some of it I've lived in my own marriage and some of it I've lived with my mom's pretty amazing story. I guess all of this for me sits on a really concerning fulcrum, if you will. Can I just poke? Yeah. How about it? How long have you been married? 20 years. How in a 20 year marriage are you still scared to tell your husband how you feel and what you want to do next?

I can tell him usually how I feel about most things. All right. So we have a pretty solid relationship.

This though, this is a big one. And the reason I called in or sent into your show last week was I had a particularly bad day at work. And the message back was, I need you to not get fired or quit right now. We're not, I just can't. And I went, okay. So that's my usual like, oh, okay. I'll just retreat, stuff it down, deal with it later. Okay, so you don't have a great marriage.

You have one that you have managed to peacekeep. Yeah, that's very true. Yes. You have an arms agreement. Okay. A great marriage when you come home and say, I can't do this anymore. Your husband should say, who do I need to go kill? Right? And obviously nobody, but you're kidding. And you're like, I'm a grown woman. I'm smarter than you. But yeah. And then it's, what's our next move? Yeah. Because the way you laid it out to me, your mortgage is more important than your

than your husband's wife's sanity. That's insane. It is, which is why I'm at this breaking point. Yeah. But that tells me, here's what I can almost guarantee you. This is not about your job. This is about your kids about to leave your house. And how old are your kids? They're 15 and 11. Okay. So you are starting to count the days down. You have three years left with one and six years left with another. And you're starting to realize this is my life.

Mm-hmm. This has, I mean, every job has politics and gossip and drama. Every single one of them. It sure does. It does. Yes. That's life. So this is why I haven't just bailed on it and run to the next one because I'm just trading the names on the faces, right? There you go. What you have to deal with directly is you don't like living in your own skin. Absolutely. Yes. And right now, you're married to somebody who doesn't care how you feel in your own skin. He just needs you to tough it up and not get fired right now because he's got this thing he wants to do.

He's got this thing he's trying to survive, I think is fair to say. Give me more. Give me more. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So the company he works for, he does really well, but they are being acquired soon. And there has been so much stripping of labor, basic functions in the HR side aren't getting done. So the stress for him and his coworkers has just been unbearable.

and I don't use this term lightly, astronomical. They're understaffed, overbooked, and it's an industrial field, so it's very much a man's world. And so men, they just tend to raz each other and drink and take a lot of Adderall to get through their days. Hold on. That's not true. Yeah, it's not? No. And if your family is first, your job is in service to your family.

Right. And so I'm not saying there's not seasons when you work 150 hours a week and there's not seasons when you're going to school and working and like that's life. Yeah, it is. But the person trying to be the last person on the Titanic of a business and we're just drinking and Adderalling and watching our family like that's not how men just handle problems.

No, I know. You know what I mean? I'm not saying it's the right thing to do. Why doesn't your husband quit? That's what he's managing. Why doesn't he quit and get a new job? Okay.

So here's the deal. This actually happened since I contacted your show. They have offered him a substantial amount of money to see the acquisition through to the end with no strings attached. Once that happens, he does not have to stay employed. That's the money to keep. Okay, that's awesome. Yes. And so for the first time in a long time, we have...

a light at the end of the tunnel for this mess. - No you don't, no you don't, no you don't, no you don't. - But-- - You have a light at the end of the tunnel for his mess. Here's what's awesome, you have a light at the end of the tunnel, he does. There's a dollar amount, no strings attached. That's similar to when my boss calls and says, "Hey, your book just went number one, "we wanna get right back on the horse, "let's circle up and have a meeting about "what the next book will be, when can we put it out?"

And I listen to the conversations. We talk about it. They ask me what I'm researching and what I'm kind of obsessed with at the moment and what I want to write about. And it's all good. And then I go sit down with my wife and say, here's what our life could look like in the next 24 to 36 months. How would we map this out? Okay. And after writing three books in three years, my wife said, the best way you could show me you love me is to take a year off. Done. Right. Done. You know what I'm saying? It's not a matter of what comes like...

All right, here's this money and there's a light at the tunnel. It's you and him sitting down saying, okay, what is this going to mean for us? Because I don't like this life that we have. And what's cool is we have created this one, which means we can create a new one. Right. But what you're telling me is he would what? No, I think he would be open to that. I just don't know that I could come at it right now.

And keep my poop together. I disagree with that. I think I would break down. Do you? I don't. Why are you at such a, like, tell me where I'm missing it. Why am I in such a raw emotional state? No, it's not that. It's like, um, um, here's the way I'm feeling you. Tell me if I'm wrong. You know, you're driving down the highway and you got out of the bathroom and you got to go pretty bad, but there's no exits. And then finally there's an exit and you exit and you've had to go for a while.

And right when you exit and start to turn into the gas station, it's like becomes a hundred X emergency. Yeah. And it's like, there's a light at the end of this tunnel somewhere. And now all of a sudden it's like, I got to have it right now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now, now. And so what I'm asking you is, yeah, why, why, why all, why the, why all right now? Because it doesn't sound like you're running to something. It sounds like you're running from something. And it, my, I would, I would guess you've been running from things your whole life.

Yes. And I want you to run to something. Right. What do you want to run to? Well, that's the big question, isn't it? No, because I think you know. I think you're real smart. Fulfillment? Mattering? Yeah, but those are amorphous. Those are moving targets. Because your husband could quit this job.

Not take the money and come sit with you and be like, I love you and this and this. And you'd be like, well, mattering is this and then this and that. Like, be specific. Mm-hmm. I've considered, okay, so this all started with a career change as an idea to this, to find that target, not moving target. Mm-hmm.

I could go back to school and get caught up. And I live in the coding world. I could learn to code again. I would enjoy that. I've thought of just quitting entirely and being a stay-at-home mom, which if you told me this five years ago, I would have told you you were crazy.

I've thought about selling our house, getting something smaller, more manageable so that we wouldn't have the financial needs that we have, like unburdening ourselves a bit. I've thought about just learning how to deal with the day-to-day workings.

work stresses that put me in this position in the first place instead of running from them because there are parts of this job that I do love and I absolutely love my team and the people I'm with. It's not all bad. I'm just, I'm really stuck. But you're playing at the surface. Get beneath that. Where's the disconnect? Oh yeah. I don't really value myself. Why doesn't your husband value what you just said to me? Well,

Um, again, he's reached a tipping point with his own stress. No, no, no, no. I don't know the answer then. Because his stress has to be in service to something. It can't just be stress for stress sake. Okay. But there's something you're not either confronting or something you're not telling me that's underneath all of these things because you've got this, you've got this stirring in your chest. And my guess is it's been stirring for a long time.

And it's about to burst on you. And I can't place it. Like you're about to go do something dumb. Yeah, reckless. Like, do you have somebody at work that you're texting that you probably shouldn't be? No, not something like that. Do you have money that you're spending that your husband doesn't know about? No. Okay, what are the things about you that nobody knows that you are trying desperately to wallpaper over? You're about to do something and I can feel it.

I feel like I'm going to just become a hermit, just withdraw entirely. What would that get you? Like that fantasy, what would that get you? A break. Okay. Growing up, I was told constantly that I was selfish. Okay. It wasn't until I moved out, started university,

I kind of had to figure it out. I mean, it's a life skill, right? I was put in situations and I kind of started to figure it out. I ended up in an emotionally abusive relationship that I finally just bailed on. I cut my losses because we own property. I got out of that. Um,

Switched careers because I was dying a slow death in it. I was an engineer and switched over into the e-commerce world. And I found it much more of a creative outlet and I enjoyed it. And I worked for a great company for years. They were my family. It was acquired and shut down. And now I'm just spinning, spinning my tires. When was that acquisition? It started in 2016 and I was laid off in 2019. And you still haven't grieved that loss?

Not fully. No. And then you see your husband, your experience and your husband going through another acquisition and the whole thing's back on fire again. Yep. And when everything catches on fire, your body starts pulling memories from 20, 30, 40 years ago to justify how you feel right now, why you don't deserve to be taken care of, why your needs don't matter.

And it also justifies your next destructive behavior move, the next drink, the next ignoring your kids to stay on your phone, the next texting back someone you're not married to, whatever the thing is.

Yeah, I'm not doing that. I know. I'm just throwing things out there. I really think what it is, John, is avoiding like, I'll go do my hobby instead of organizing my office. I will avoid anything that causes me anxiety, such as organization or getting rid of stuff or

And I'm avoiding trying to figure out how to get my kids picked up from school starting in the new year because now we've been called back to work and they no longer have the option to leave early, pick them up and rejoin online. That's gone. So I'm avoiding that. It's just. Okay. What is that avoidance getting you other than making you crazy? It's just what I've always done. I know it's not working for me anymore. Okay. So let's stop. Here's what I want you to start solving for.

Okay. One thing and one thing only. We're not solving for money. We're not solving for relational bliss. We're not solving for great sex. We're not solving for parent of the year. We're going to solve for one thing. Okay. Okay. Peace. And the only way to solve for peace is to begin to list the things that are setting you off and head directly into them. Okay. Because here's what's coming your way. A hard conversation with your husband about what kind of life do we want to live, do we want to have together?

Mm-hmm. Listen to me super carefully. You can have this in divorce court. You can have this while one of y'all is being open about your affair or pornography use or whatever, or in rehab, or you can both just spend the next 20 years, most of which will be empty nesters, you on your iPad, him on his cell phone, and y'all six inches apart from each other on the couch, but 6,000 miles away from each other. Or... Mm-hmm.

January 1, which this show's coming out after that, but we're talking before that, you and your husband can go have a retreat. Y'all can get away for a day and be like, we get to create whatever world we want. What do we want our life to be like? You're about to be free from this crazy thing. We're going to have a whole bunch of money. What kind of world do we want to have? But you don't think you're worth that conversation because you're worried if you say, well, actually, what if we sold the house and just downsized?

We only have, we have two and a half years with our old list left. What if we sold this house and downsized? You're afraid he's going to say, I'm never doing that. You know, it's a stupid idea. And now you got to deal with that with a husband that's not on the same page as you. And you got to do this with your job. You got to do this with your kids. You got to do this with your health. Do you get what I'm saying? I'm just seeing a path of freedom right in front of you, but you got to walk towards it. Well, that's helpful. Thank you. It's not helpful. I mean, it's like, you're like, okay, thanks for you.

No, it is. Okay, here's your homework. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life. I'm going to send it to you as just my gift, okay? Oh, that's awesome. Okay. But you got to promise that you'll go through it and you'll answer the questions and that you'll bring your husband with you. Okay. And if he says no, if he says no, then you say, well, I'm going to forge on ahead. Because all you can control is what you can control. Right. But I want you to get a journal today on Amazon that's too expensive, a nice one.

Silly nice. Silly nice. Yeah. Okay. And I want you to begin to write down in it the things that you are anxious about. And make a checklist and head right through. I have. Oh, I've tried to draw and I don't even want to write it down. I'm afraid someone else will read it. I know.

You're an anxious mind, dude. I get it. I can live that life. But listen to me. You have to know on the other side of this, I am free. I get stressed. I get pissed off. I get frustrated. But 95% of the time, my brain doesn't take off on me anymore. And when it does, I kind of know where it's from. Yeah. Do you get what I'm saying? Yep, I do. Solve for peace. Okay. Not for avoidance, not for feeling good.

Not for maximization of profit, not to avoid a fight with my husband. Because sometimes to have peace, you got to go through a hard disagreement. Right. Yeah. Will you just say, I think I'm worth the effort that's coming? You want me to say that right now? Yep. Okay. I am worth the effort that's coming. Do you believe that?

- I do, yes and no. I think it just depends on the day. And so the goal here is if I work towards the peace, I'll be reinforcing that message. - But you're gonna have to reinforce it all the time. I want you to put on your mirror right after this call. - Okay, okay. - A note that says, "I am worth the work." - Okay. - Because what you have ahead of you is hard because you haven't done this your whole life. You're still giving that bastard that hit you as a kid

You're still giving him a seat at your table. Yep. Get him out of your living room, for God's sake, or her. Get her out. Right? Get her out. Get these people out of your life. And then begin to ask your husband, what do we want our house to feel like? What do we want our finances to feel like? Why are we making all this money for what? For misery? If you love your team at work, if you don't like, now I'm going to have to navigate going back, we'll figure that out.

All right, so I'm a founding member of the Get Off the Internet and Go Outside and Play Club. I think I may be the only member. And yet, like all of you, I often find myself at work or in my personal life living on the internets. As a society, we've created more and more online accounts for everything, and we're all always signing up for promos, giving away our emails and personal numbers, and buying everything with our phones.

I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff all the time. Drives me nuts. And with all this online activity, do we really know where our data is and who even has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers, and other shady people.

But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites, and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they've removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls, which allow me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace.

This new year, share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com slash deloney today for 20% off. That's join, J-O-I-N, deleteme.com slash deloney. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Anthony. Hey, Anthony, what's up, man? Hey, how's it going, Dr. John? Good, brother. How are you, man?

Not too bad. What's up? Quick question. So I got two little kids and I got a 15-year-old. And I just try to find a way to have to talk to them about my estranged brother if they ever ask. I know my son, he's six and he's autistic. So he'll just, no filter, he'll be like, who's your brother? What's your brother's name?

How old is he? And I answer him, but like once he gets older, I know he's going to ask more deep questions or my oldest might ask more questions. Where are y'all estranged? He's really my half brother. And whenever he's six years older than me and my dad pretty much left him and me with my mom and took off to another country. And this is about,

2021, he died from COVID and my brother just... Your dad did? Yeah. Okay. And he just crumbled. He was like thinking he should have been there the whole time with him and he just pretty much disowned everybody on my mom's side. He was like, you're not my real family and my daughter is not related to you biologically and didn't even talk to his daughter either. So, and...

I know it's going to come up later on, not so much now, but just not sure how to really talk about him whenever they do that. There's some pretty clear, pretty simple tactical things we can do there, but I don't think that's the purpose of this call. I think you need an answer to that question, not your kids. On my brother? Yeah. I don't think you've dealt with him leaving you guys. I mean...

Not really. I mean, I've tried reaching out to him and all the numbers. Not that, not that, not that, not that. He doesn't want to be in your life. But there's got to be a moment when you exhale and you drop your shoulders and you let past that Texas male armor the understanding that you lost your dad and your brother bailed on you. And he said, you're not my family. I don't want you in my life. That hurts, man. Yeah, but I mean, it's life. No, it's not, though. I mean, it's life, but...

That doesn't mean you ignore it. Let me put it this way. At least honor your body because your body's still trying to solve for it because your body leaned on that guy for a long time. You had a ride or die. And he said, I don't want you in my life. You're not my family out, which I can't. I mean, my brother is one of the best men I know. I can't imagine him calling me and saying that. I can tell you I've got one of my oldest friends on the planet did that exact same thing. Said, I wish you the best. I'm out. You'll never hear from me again.

And dude, it left a huge hole in my heart. Sucks. So at least do this. At least sometime this week, in between Thanksgiving and Christmas when we're having this conversation, write him a letter that you'll never send him. Just tell him how much you miss him and how you wish him well, wherever he ends up. All right. I can do that. Because it's trapped in your chest right now, whether you want to like admit it or not. It is just life, but it's not a good part of life. Just because life is our mom's pass away someday doesn't mean we don't deal with it.

That's just life is the way Texans, it's like a saying that Texans use just to avoid like dealing with hard things. And then when it comes to your kids, it's as simple as, yeah, daddy had a brother named so-and-so and he got real, he got real sick and his particular sick was in his mind and he wanted to be left alone. And that's what you tell somebody until they're about 10 or 11. And then they get to be 10 or 11. They may ask a little, like, what do you mean he wants to be left alone? Like he really struggled with anxiousness. And when grandpa died, he,

He really took it to heart and he felt lost. And his way of dealing with loss was just to cut everybody off. That's the way he made him feel safe. And it makes your dad real sad. It makes Anthony, it makes your dad real sad. Then you tell your kids, but I'll never leave y'all ever, ever, ever. And as they get older and older, then it becomes a little more age appropriate. At 13, 14, 15, you can say like, yeah, he struggled with depression his whole life or he was struggling with whatever was going on with him. And you'll know more context there.

He drank too much. He struggled with, he smoked too much. Like you, you get, you'll know the details there. And when somebody gets into ninth grade, 10th grade, 11th grade, you can start explaining some of that. And depending on where your son falls, your autistic son falls on the spectrum is how much he'll be able to, to appreciate some of that nuance. And listen, when you tell them that back part that it makes you, it makes you really sad. You're not showing them a weakness. You're not showing them vulnerability.

You're showing them that they're not crazy because they will immediately imagine what if one of their brothers got that same sick and left them how heartbroken they would be. And so you saying, I have feelings and I miss my brother and I wish he hadn't taken off. I miss him a lot. It's a gift to your sons. It's a gift to your daughters, gift to your kids. It makes them feel not crazy. And if you haven't written your dad a letter, just tell him you miss him. Tell him all the things he's going to miss and what kind of dad you're going to be. Please do that too.

What was your dad's name? I can do it. Pedro. Is he a good guy? Not so much. Complex? Yeah, a little bit. So maybe your letter is a little bit of a thumb on your nose. Hey, you left. Here's what kind of dad I'm going to be, just so you know. I'm going to be different than you were, because here's how. And by the way, brother, the fact that you're asking this question tells me you're already about legacy change, right?

Yeah, definitely. What's the chances your old man would have called and said like, hey, I've got this other kid. What's the best way to tell? He would have called, right, to get wisdom on that, would he? He had four other kids that we didn't even know about. That's right. So you're changing. I mean, you are. You're a man of integrity. You're a man of wisdom. You want to do this thing right. You want to give these kids something that you didn't get that's noble. I would hug you if you were standing in front of me, and I'd make it really awkward, too.

I think you're a good dad, man. Do you feel good about the work you're putting in? Oh, yeah, definitely. That's amazing. The hardest thing is becoming a new father without a path forward. You're having to make this thing up as you go. Do you have some men in your life that are good dads that you can lean on? Not really. That's your homework assignment. You got two letters to write, one to brother, one to dad. And I want you to reach out to one or two guys. Could be guys you work with, got uncles of yours, uncles.

Somebody in your life that you see they've got good kids You see they've got a relationship with their children that you want to have one day And you say hey, I want to go buy you coffee I'm gonna go buy you a beer and let's sit and talk and say I like how you're being a dad and I want you to teach me because I didn't get that My dad wasn't a good man He had a bunch of kids that none of us even knew about and then he died And I want my kids to have something different, but I need a roadmap. Will you walk with me? If you're um, I think this applies across the board. I haven't read it in like two years, but

There's a book by a guy named John Tyson. He's a pastor out of New York, but he wrote a book called The Intentional Father. And it's probably been the most influential book for me. And if you're not a person of faith, I still think it's a powerful, powerful book about the intentionality it takes to be a good dad.

So that may be a book to check out. And if you've never been to a church building, no, I mean, it's no problem. You can, the book is still very, very, very wise, but it is written. It is written by a pastor. We'll link to it in the show notes. Um, and I've never met John. I don't know anything about him. I just know that that book really impacted me in a very significant way. Um, it even impacted me taking to my son, my 14 year old, do his first punk rock show recently. It's like, he used to see my life through his eyes. Right. Um,

Anyway, all I have to say is that that might be a place to start as well, but I want you to get a couple of men in your life that you can reach out to and say, all right, I'm about to do this thing all in. It's the new year. It's my favorite time of year. It's when everyone starts thinking of new routines, building better habits, stopping things that aren't helpful, and overall building a better life. And we all know that most new go-get-em goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems to make them sustainable.

So how about this year? Let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's actually good for your soul. Let's start this year with our spiritual lives. And let's start off 2025 by focusing on prayer and meditation. To do this, I recommend Halo, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it.

Hallow offers 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start each of your days with. One of Hallow's most popular features is the daily reflection with Jonathan Rumi from The Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, nightly sleep prayers, and if you don't have much time, there's something called the Daily Minute.

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All right, we are back. All right, Kelly, I'm the problem. Is it me? Yes. Or are you? I think it's you. Probably both. Go for it. Hey, you're rocking some gold chains today. I wear these quite a bit. Oh, do you? Yeah. Oh, usually you don't unbutton that many buttons, so it's cool. It's just blinding. It's not a bad thing. Jewelry's good. Anyway, anywho. I'm a come around the city, bling bling.

All right. Pinky ring cost about 50, bling, bling. You done? Every time I buy a new ride. Okay. Go for it. Okay. So this is from Pearl, and she asks, when I was nine years old, I started asking for a puppy. At the time, my parents asked me if I understood the responsibility of having a dog, and of course I said yes. My parents generously surprised me with a dog on my 10th birthday. Now the dog is 12 and still lives at their house because my apartment does not allow pets.

They want me to pitch in money for his vet bills and haircuts. They say he is my responsibility since he is my dog. I think that he is their responsibility because even though I asked for him, I was nine. And they should know that I really did not understand the long-term commitment and cost of having a dog.

They bought the dog with their own money and brought him into their house. Paying for dog bills is not in my budget, and I do not believe it is my responsibility. And I have refused. This makes my parents upset with me and all of the drama. Am I the problem? Is this where we are? Like, as a people? Is this what it's come to? You say it best when you say nothing at all. I just don't know what to say.

I just need more context. If you ask for a dog when you're nine, I have an eight-year-old that asks for a dog. Literally has no concept of any of it. But just no, no, no, no. When she moves out, when she goes to college or whatever. No, I'm not going to call my, sweat my kid who can't afford a house. No. It's dumb. It's dumb. Like we have a dog and he's technically my son's dog.

But you're the grown-ups. Right. And we got the dog. And when he moves out, the dogs will probably stay with... Well, the dog will stay with us because he'll be a 19-year-old that doesn't need a dog. Now, in college, I got a basset hound named Molly. I also had a basset hound named Molly. Molly was my ride or die. Yes. Great basset hound name. The greatest dog that's ever existed. Mine was pretty great. Agree, disagree. But Molly, when I came home...

To college, she lived with my parents for six months while I was in my first apartment before I could move. Yes, that's my responsibility to buy food, to buy vet bills, to repair their back door that she ate. I never did that, by the way. Sorry, mom. Because you got the dog. It's my dog. Right. I said, can they stay at your house for a while? Right. And she destroyed everything. And I still didn't pay for that. But I gave my parents great grandkids. I think that's a fair trade. Not really. I should have bought them a door. I'm sorry. But here's the deal. That's my dog.

When your nine-year-old has her a dog, and then for nine of those 12 years the dog's been alive, that kid just lives in your house with the dog. Here's why I'm exasperated. I'm so sick of adults acting like children. I just can't anymore. I can't. Like, what parent would call their 21-year-old kid or 22-year-old and be like, hey, I need some money for vet bills?

Because this is your dog. If you need money, like, hey, me and your mom have fallen on real hard times and we're struggling to make ends meet. Like, could you help? That's a different conversation. I'm all about that. It's your dog. You have to. Is that where we are? Apparently it's where they are. That's like, hey, when you were 12, you really wanted a futon in your room. And we got that futon. And it's time for us to get some new furniture. So we think you owe us about 112 bucks on the new couch. What are we doing?

Listen, adults, adults, if you will act like adults, regulated, yes, get emotional, yes, but overall regulated human beings. Overnight, boom, the world would change. The whole world would change. But if you go hitting up your kids for back dog support, I don't even have the words for this.

Yeah, dog support. I'm surprised. Okay, parents, hold my beer. Sue her. Sue your kid for back dog child support. Do that. Yeah, how about that? Dog parents, child support payments. Now we're talking. I like that. I've kind of burned this entire thing. Just ruined it.

I didn't think I had any buttons to push today. I'm having a pretty great day, but you found the one, Kelly, and you just mashed the crap out of it. That's what I do. It's one of your spiritual gifts. You and your bling bling. Let's just end this. Love you guys. Nine-year-olds listening. Hey, you shouldn't be listening, but we all know there's an adult crisis in this country. Nine-year-olds, don't ask for things that you can't afford 12 years from now. Think this through. God help us.

Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John Deloney Show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.

All right, it's the new year and it's a perfect time to begin focusing on your most important relationship, your marriage. Every marriage needs intentional time and energy so that both of you can be aligned in co-creating the life that you both want. That's why my friend Rachel Cruz and I have teamed up to offer our amazing money and marriage getaway retreat in Nashville, Tennessee, this time over Valentine's Day weekend.

You and your spouse will head to Nashville for three days of laughter, hard conversations, maybe a few tears, intentional time together, and lots of practical teaching. At Money in Marriage, we don't shy away from anything. We have sessions on sex and intimacy, communication, how to fight, money, building a new future together, and more.

This is my favorite live event that I'm ever a part of, and I hope you'll grab one of the few remaining tickets. You are worth an extraordinary marriage. Prices start at $799 per couple. That's for the whole weekend. And like I said, there's only a few left, and Valentine's Day will be here before you know it. Get your tickets at ramsaysolutions.com slash getaway.