Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited - Chuckle Sandwich Finale
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ABC Wednesdays, Tim Allen and Kat Dennings star in the new family comedy Shifting Gears. Dad, I'm broke and I need a place to stay until I figure out what the rest of my life looks like. So, a couple of days. When his daughter moves back in. The last time you walked out that door, you looked back at me and gave me a double bird. I was 18. The double bird was how I ended all our conversations.

our conversation. The wheels come off. Can we try to talk to each other like rational adults? Have you watched the news lately? That's not a thing anymore. New Wednesdays, 8, 7 central on ABC and stream on Hulu. Before the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich, we have one final piece of merch that we are dropping and that is the Chuckle Dungeon

bootleg shirt available now at chuckle.store. It's got all of the Chucklers on it and it goes so hard. This is my favorite piece of merch I've ever made and it's also the dumbest. This is the final Chuckle Sandwich merch design to commemorate our final episode. And you know what?

I wouldn't have had it any other way. This shirt plus a sticker pack since some of you were requesting that and all the merch that we've released so far will be available for six more days at chuckle.store. When the clock strikes midnight on January 29th, it will be gone forever. Now with all that being said, sit back, relax, and please enjoy the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Welcome

Welcome to the final episode of Chuckle Sandwich. Welcome to Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited.

In the land of Zandrel, cuisine is king. From the unparalleled marbling of the tundra cattle's meat to the rich, buttery flavor of the North Atlantic sea bass, this region is known for its exquisite delicacies and remarkably talented chefs. But lately, the dishes in this land have seemingly lost their luster. A famine is beginning to sweep the nation, withering the crops and sickening the livestock.

Life was food in this place, but now food is merely survival. That brings us to now. Each clutching a yellowed note, three figures step out of these wilted woods in this moonlight clearing at dramatically appropriate times one after another. Who do we see walking out in this clearing under the pale moonlight? These withered branches slowly giving way to a familiar figure. A battered and beaten and yet...

Slightly aged, butch wagyu appears. A tiefling is riddled with trauma. And I went through culinary school once. It went perfectly fine because no one was involved to impede my experience. Then I met a friend and we had a nice dinner with our moms. Sounds good.

Sounds great. And that was great. And then after I decided, you know, but I've always been in search of the tundra meat. This is the greatest meat that's ever been created. It's got the best marbleization because the cows are raised in the tundra where they get the coldest. Some of the cows die in the process. Don't get me wrong. Some of the cows die in the process. That's just business. It's not animal cruelty. It's just business. But then I entered into color school again.

And this time, I wanted to get a better understanding of the meat, so I entered into culinary school with the dream of being able to achieve the highest level and cook the most quality steak of all around, Tundra Steak! We all know this already, however, while in culinary school, for the first time ever, my dreams were stopped short due to a betrayal by my culinary schoolmate, who through a series of coincidence, I would not have known otherwise, Derek Sears.

Derek was a culinary school superstar born into wealth through his parents, who had made their wealth by being landlords, but not the cool medieval kind, the kind that would paint over light switch, I mean candles, with a heavy coat of white paint. While Derek was talented, he could see my potential, and one day he invited me to a feast along with our whole culinary school class at his family's banner, where he had tricked me into believing we'd be tasting some tundra steak that had been recently imported by his parents for their yearly landlord gala. Upon tasting this meat,

The taste was unmistakable. I realized that Derek and his landlord parents had killed my mother and turned her flesh into a steak and manipulated me into a humiliation ritual. Horrific. Where I'd eat my own mother's flesh in front of my whole class. Totally embarrassing. After realizing this, I began to shed tears for my mother and upon seeing this, Derek would say, "Oh, you're gonna cry?"

That's a little gay, dude. It was in this moment I realized that not only had Derek killed my mother and fed her to me, he was also homophobic. After years, I was able to cross hundreds of miles and legal obstacles to acquire the tundra meat. And upon preparing it and tasting it for the first time, I realized, to my horror, the meat tasted...

No different than the charred flesh of my own mother! My goal I had defined my life with was forever tied to my most traumatic experience. After visiting various meat seers, I discovered that the only way for me to discover the true flavor that's a concept in meat making, I would have to, well, I gotta get that motherfuckin' Derek. I'm gonna get that motherfuckin' Derek. And when you get him,

What are you gonna do? Shing! Eric, I'm coming for you. I want to taste you in a stew. Shing! Shing! Shing! Shing! Butch steps out into this crooked, withered clearing, brandishing his familiar cleavers with a mission of vengeance. And following suit, not short after, is...

another figure, which, even whose silhouette to Butch's eyes seems strangely recognizable. Schlatt, go ahead, take a seat and introduce your character at your own pace. Hello, it's me, Mae Oh. I'm a warforged sorcerer who used to be in the war. Fallujah was the one.

What is that? *sniff*

I went on a journey of self-discovery and I realized not only does drinking this delicious potion of grease keep my joints nimble. I'm going to do that right now. It's fantasy, that's WD-50. I also became heavily invested in body modification. Anything I can modify on my body, I do it. Even the places you can't see.

But as time went on, I got a little rusty, some may say. My journey of self-discovery ended in anguish and frustration as my condiments became a little shitty. I'd go for some ketchup. Oh, why is it juicy? It's like you're at an 80-year-old diner trying to get the ketchup out, and all of a sudden you get the puddle. Hated it. Terrible. And I knew I needed to fix it.

Butch, Mayo, you two see each other in... How long has it been? Years? Years? Years? Did you guys ever hang out again after that one fateful day? No. It's been years. It has been. Yeah, no, we just did that one project and then we just kind of went out separate ways. Why are you here? Well, I got this.

I don't even know what my voice is. I got this note, this mysterious note, and it said that I had to come here to the Crooked Clearing. Why? Well, if I wanted my meats to once again have the juice and the marbling they deserve, which is, well, that's all I'm searching for. That's interesting. Yes, that's all I'm searching for. Yes, that's interesting because my note also says that I can be great again.

if I showed her here. And so I-- - And this clearing, it is quite crooked. - And as you look around, yeah, through these wilted branches, you hear thick, thundering footsteps as one final figure, holding a note similar to both of yours,

strides out. What the hell? Who is this? Tucker, go ahead, take a seat, introduce your character. Hello. Ahoy. Ahoy. Well, you might be wondering who I am and how I got here. Yes. Yes. Well, a few nights ago, I woke up in my hammock with a note that's led me to the crooked clearing. My name is Francis. Francis the Fisherman. Francis the Fried Fisherman. I was a fry cook in the Navy in my early years. What are you doing? I'm just...

I couldn't hear you that well, so I got closer to you physically in the world that we are in to hear you better. I was a fry cook in the Navy. I made the best fried fish around. Bass, cod, haddock. Chilean bass? Sea bass. Bluefish. You name it, I fried it. One fish? Two fish. Maguro? Bluefish. What are you saying? After that, my wife Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte.

We retired. We retired in the North Atlantic. I would fish in my days off and sail on my days on. The storm took Charlotte. Charlotte, no. It's not a day that goes by I don't think about Charlotte. But Charlotte and I, we had a good life. We had a little girl, Rose. Taught her how to fish. But the fish grew short. They grew small. No girth on these fish. No girth. And the money stopped coming in. The fun stopped coming in.

And I traded Rose's soul for better fish. I traded it right to Davy Jones. Rose? Who's Rose? That's my daughter. Oh. Listen up. Better watch out, this guy's a ship captain. I don't know if you're gonna stay on the crew. Sorry, I don't work as good as I used to. I don't have night terrors in my hammock every night thinking about Charlotte. Just so you can not pay attention. Where are the crooked clearing? It is such a crooked... It's crooked. It's so crooked. So I've come for fish...

And maybe the chance to save Rose from Davy Jones? Not because- not because I love her, but because he went back on the deal and he didn't provide the fish. It's just not right. I just need the fish. Yeah, we need that fish. It's all that I have. That makes sense. You know, as a fellow meat eater, I can understand. Keep going. Just let me reach behind you. Yeah. Keep talking. I just need a little of this. Oh. Oh. Oh. I thought he was making a move on me. I did too. A little of this. Where did those come from? Oh.

And I need a little bit of this. Oh. Never saw those before. Just to loosen up me bones. Just to loosen up me bones for this. Oh. A sailor never goes anywhere without a stash of goodies. You got a little bit of goody there. And if you're a good boy, maybe you'll get a little yourself. Oh, interesting. Oh, interesting is right. That's half the mug. Easy there, little guy. Easy there. Don't call me little guy. I saw battle. In Fallujah? Yeah.

We tore that place up. I heard stories of Fallujah. Yes. Yeah, the shit you guys did was fucked up. We did drop leaflets. We did one of them. You're making me sad, boys. It's like an hour out. An hour out from the attack, you dropped leaflets. You're just like, no crime. I'm gonna decide on a voice right now. Aye. Aye. Aye. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes

Butch Wagyu! Yes. If you want your meats to once again have the juice and marbling they deserve, come to the Crooked Clearing and tell no one. Yes. Now this is my voice. Sorry, I had something in my throat. Shall I read mine? Yes, please read it, weird fisher guy. It's Francis the Fried. Francis the Friared.

If you desire fish of the immense weight and girth that they were before the lakes ran dry, come to the Crooked Clearing, where the end is nigh. Mine didn't fucking rhyme. Bitch. And mine- A sailor always rhymes. And mine says, if you desire your sauces to regain their bluster and zest, come to the Crooked Clearing to prove you are the best. Why the fuck does both of yours rhyme?

I don't know, butch. If you want your meats to once again have the juice and marbling they deserve, come to the crooked clearing and tell no- that's not a rhyme. Maybe it's hard to rhyme with deserve. I just feel like your notes just had a little bit more thought and then I feel like they were just kinda cloning it in on my note. Rhyme a word with deserve.

Huh? Relax, little man. I'm sorry I didn't decide on the rhyme until the second note. You see as out of the clearing comes this little, what looks like this little blue frog man with a tinfoil hat on. I wonder what he tastes like.

You see, as he pulls out, uh, from under his cloak, these various, like, tablets and scrawlings, this guy looks like he is, like, all over the place. He's looking around, nervous. Oh, shit. A librarian.

No offense, no offense. No offense. Nothing by it. That could be natural, but I have a theory too.

You see as he produces these ancient tablets and etchings of what looks like this great pyramid structure. It looks like it's in the vast cosmos of space floating around. And you see as these tablets tell a story of this

thing floating through the vastness of space, arriving at worlds. And you see as they illustrate in these ancient drawings, as the world is slowly drained until it is this dull black and the pyramid moves on. No.

You're the one that took my fish! No, no, I didn't do that! I didn't do that to your fish! This thing took your fish! This thing up there in the sky! In the sky! Not in a bit. It usually comes by here, but anyway, I'm glad out of the thousands of people I sent notes to, you three decided to show up. I didn't decide on the rhyming thing until I was a ways in. Okay, I mean, fine, but... How about this? To get the meats you deserve, or else you'll find your destiny may... swerve?

That works. That works. Fine. I don't know. I just feel like it would be cooler if it was written down. Yeah, you fucking showed up, so whatever. Yeah, no, I'm here, so fuck it now. Damn it. Anyway, does any of you have a watch or a clock by chance? No. Ah, that's okay. Let's see. Based on my- My fucking cleavers act as a sundial sometimes. Yeah, just put them down. Okay.

I usually get the urge to pull this out around 5 p.m., so I'd say it's around then. That's exactly when it shows up. And you see as you pull it out, at exactly 5 p.m. You have a very accurate, time-accurate nicotine addiction.

I relied on that, I knew. The moon is blotted out by a shape. You can't see it at first as it almost shimmers into existence. What at first appears to be a square obscuring your vision, but as it rotates, you recognize it as this great pyramid floating overhead. And as it does, you feel the land and even your own bodies quiver and you feel yourself weaken. You see the grass starts to wilt.

That's the damn thing. That's the damn thing that's sucking the nutrition out of the land. I'm leaking boys. I can't get hard Every sailor goes through that I can't get hard boys. I can't get hard in time. I'm always hard. What about down below? Biocock how's your bio caucus it in working hard hard always hard check now? Oh, oh my god. I'm soft Shit that fucking pyramids a turnoff. Oh

It is. It is and it's gonna turn off the whole world unless you three- That's why the fish ain't fucking. What? There's no more fish in the sea. You watch fish fuck? Well, I like when they do, 'cause then there's more fish. Actually, I meant to hand that note to you in person, but you were watching them- Watching them fuck in the- They gotta fuck or there's no more fish. That's how it works. That's how it works, fellas. Fish gotta fuck, dude. They have to. Well, how do you expect us to fix this? Big ladder? There's only one way. No.

Wasn't in the budget. But my buddy, he's a big guy. And you see as the ground beneath you starts to move. I don't like this. You see, we're right now on the back of a large mountain giant. I spoke with him. They need the land to survive. And that thing's taking the land, so we struck a deal. We struck a deal. Whatever adventurers I could convince to come here,

he would help me fling into the pyramid! Oh. It's the only way! I do see an iron trapdoor on it. That's right. And where do trapdoors lead? To knowledge. To knowledge! To knowledge! Knowledge. Yes, knowledge. Knowledge. Grace.

Knowledge of tundra beef. Knowledge of fish hocking. Slaps your back a little bit. Help you out there. Little frog boy. Yes, of course. May I say something, by the way, though? If we are to be on the back of a giant in this crooked clearing, I think I understand why this clearing is so crooked. Your giant friend has sciatica. Yes, that's right.

He should get that checked out. It's a bad pinch. Oh, I'm glad you mentioned it! No, no, reach for it! And you see as he goes to reach for it and stands up really quickly, you see as the ground begins to shift upwards faster and faster. Are you three up for the challenge? Uh, I guess. You guys wanna send it? Indeed. Let's fucking go, little weirdo. Okay,

Fucking rude. Jump at the top like it's a big elevator. That should take you all the way there. Good luck, Adventurers! You see, he holds on to a branch. Okay.

Can you re-explain what is around us right now? 'Cause I'm a bit confused. Yes. You are in a, basically a wooded clearing. Um, it has started- Crooked. A crooked wooden clearing. It has started to move upwards and you can see the ground around starting to shift as the back of this great giant is essentially being revealed and he's reaching for his sciatic nerve. Yeah. We have to get on top of that! Hold onto something, lads.

Yes.

You can do more without spending more.

No, no, no, we have to get on top of that, right? Let's try to get on top of that then. And then hold on. And then we hold on. Yes. You guys all start scrambling towards the top of the giant as it is rising to meet what is clearly a much larger structure than you had initially thought. This great black obelisk blacking out the moon as you all run towards it. Watch your guys running! Or power walk or jog towards it. He can teleport, he's technical.

I can't do that. You can. You're technical. I'll see you guys over there. I can see it in your face. I'll see you guys over there. And as the giant goes, oh, and cracks his green back, you feel a wave of tension fly upwards. As you know, the moment is now to jump and describe what does it look like as these characters leap off the back of this great giant into this pyramid. Okay. Are we doing an actual jump? Here we go.

Beautiful. You soar through the air towards the base of this pyramid. I need grease. I need grease. Feed me grease. So we're flying and he's just stuck. Me there, grease. He needs it. Ah.

And as the three of you leap off in place towards this great glass structure, you all instinctively close your eyes as you approach it with a rush and you hear the shattering of glass as your bodies are flung into the first layer of the pyramid. I haven't been on a journey like this since 49. What happened then? A great storm, dark day, dark and stormy day.

What was the adventure if it was dark? The adventure? Yeah. To cross the sea? We never made it. You never made it? Never made it. What happened? Oh, we wrecked. We wrecked. It was bad. Lost our boat. In the middle of the ocean? Middle of the ocean. How are you alive? I'm a good rowboatsman. Lifeboat?

Are you Irish? Sometimes. I've never heard of Ireland before, but is it nice there? It's right next to Landland, between Niceland and Ireland. Oh. Well, where the fuck are we, boys? Yeah, you guys are talking on the ground, and as you are sort of collecting your bearings, you see that you are in...

what looks like a great field of wheat that stretches on. You can see it looks like it appears to be sunset as the beams of light weave their way in between these great stalks of wheat. It smells of grain and starch.

and you can see that in front of you, there appears to be a winding path through it. It seems to stretch out in every direction, but in the distance far ahead of you, you see what looks almost like a great black cylindrical tube heading upwards into the sky. Yes. What do you do? I think we need to get towards that. Set sail for the great black tube. Uh, well, can we first, I don't know, there's a bunch of wheat here.

We don't know how long we're gonna be in here. Maybe we... Maybe we try to get some rations. That's stupid. You should harvest. It's going up. You should grind it. It's going up currently.

All the wheat is? No! The black thing in the sky! We're in it! No we're not! You are within that structure, now you can see you're in this great field. It looks like after you crashed on through, as you see that kind of shatter, almost seal back up behind you, leaving what just looks like sky. Were you even listening to our intrusive thoughts? Too much grease.

He's a machine. I think we should put him to work. I'm very well lubricated. We need to put him to work so we can eat. Is it possible for me to look at this wheat and see if we can do something with it? Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and make a survival check. That is a d20. That's a d20. You got it? You're going to add your survival skill. All right, here I go. That's a fucking four. Four plus what's your survival skill? Four plus...

My survival, which is... plus two, so six. Not...

Great. Oh, you fucked little lad. The wheat appears to be, I mean, it's perfect. It looks GMO'd. It's the perfect wheat. But for some reason, it looks like just looking around, you can't really think of much to do with it in way of recipes. However, however, Butch, you did take the chef fee, right? I did. Very good. If you guys take... Yes. If you guys take...

15, 20 minutes, not real, in-game, uh, in this clearing, um, you can prepare, it won't taste very good because of your six, but you can prepare a bready, wheaty, uh, treat for the party if there's something in mind that you can cook. Wade, what's the party? Well, let me... That's us, dude. Uh... We're the party?

You ain't even laughing, neither are you. I've got a firebolt, we could cook it! You can prepare six. You prepare it? Six of these. I'll cook it. Can I mix it with my rations that I have? Absolutely, yeah. I have 20 pounds of rations, or one day's worth of rations. I could summon us a, uh, an option. Do you think that would, would I be able to figure out if that could improve the qua- like the, how long that'll last us? Uh, yeah, you, you figure if you use the rations in it, it'll last you at least till the end of this, this structure.

Okay. Yeah. So I don't even, I really don't even need to

mess around with this weed. This weed is- would not improve my- quality. What do you make out of it? What do you make out of it? Well, I have uh- Start preparing the bread! Yeah. Start making the bread dish! Okay, you're gonna- I'll use my magic fire! I'm a sorcerer. I'll cook it! You put it together! You've got two cleavers right there! I'm the only one that's had to deal with this fucking crap, and you guys are not. I've got the fire bolt!

He should be harvesting. He's got the mechanical... Nope! No, he really should. He really should. He's got the cleavers! I have chef. Oh, that's true. So... Ability score increase. Con or... I'm hungry. Don't worry, Ted. Just tell me what you make. I'm going to be the one that eats it! In universe, what do you create out of this wheat? That's what matters. Sazbo. Order of the short rest? Yeah.

I'll just describe what you make. I'll take care of the rest. I take the wheat. That was all there was there. Wheat, just wheat. It's pretty much just a big wheat field from where you are standing now. I take the wheat and I'm like going like this and I'm like, and I'm like, man, this is so confusing when there's no tendons going on here. What the fuck? What the fuck? And then you get out of over your head. I'm like, it's going fine.

It's going fine. Mmm, yeah sure it is, laddie. What the fuck, they're gonna fucking hate this. It's fucking stupid. And I put together

Like, basically a bunch of chopped wheat, and then I'm like, put it on this thing, this- this cleaver. Audio people, audio w- audio psychics, love you to death. Um, and I'm like, "Hey, hit this with a fireball, see what happens." Firebolt! *BOOM* *BOOM*

That could keep a sailor warm for quite some time. Which it doesn't look great. I mean, obviously, it's kind of just cooked, chopped, shredded wheat. Um, you know. But you made a... Ray of sickness! No! No!

You made basically like shitty shredded wheat is what you have. Okay. Can I take a bite out of it? You can take a bite. Or can I put it in my pocket? Yeah. Put it in your pocket. For the sake of this, the next time you guys take a short rest, you'll get a bunch of additional HP if you eat that shredded wheat. Okay. All right. Still in front of you is the path. Do you guys want to continue to move forward?

Yeah, let's keep going. Let's see what else there is. Yeah, let's progress. Let's walk, I guess, towards that big pillar or tube that's entering the sky. That's what I was talking about. I was talking about the tube. We have to move towards it. It's moving in the sky. You tried gaslighting me. Listen, machine.

I saw a bunch of food and I was like, "Mmm, that seems like something that would be good." Something that only an organic beer might be able to enjoy. I don't wanna hear it. I'm greasing. I'm greasing. He gets a little rusty with all the salt coming off me. *Groaning*

Revved up. The V8 is going. He's a machine. Francis, as you guys all start to walk out, you hear something before the rest of your comrades do with your 15 passive perception. You hear what sounds like someone in the field saying,

running and you see out in front before anyone else does it looks like uh an older uh white haired man who's almost bloodied up runs out into the center of the field looks around nervously you see him before he sees you what do you do david david that's david who's that okay wait pause but you have to if if you want to figure it so it is improv but it's like

But like information is

Like you can't give information like that. Why is he jerking off? It's basically like you can do whatever you want, but you have to... But like the information about the world and like the results and everything comes from him. So you could like go up to him and ask him what his name is. And then you would find that out. I was about to give him a backstory. Well, that's his job. Go do that. That's his job. Basically, you're in full control. That's okay. That's okay. I'm just... Yeah, dude, don't worry about it. You're in full control of your character and your actions.

But as for this world, you know, basically, as far as you know, you've just seen this guy stumble out.

Yeah, he builds the world for us and we play with our own characters. Oh, you don't recognize him, but he does look like he's wearing almost a tattered chef's apron. A tattered chef's? Chef's apron. I walk up to this familiar man. I ask him who he is. You start to walk towards him and you ask, you wanted to say, who are you, right? Yeah.

Yeah, you ask out, who are you? His head snaps over to you. You see he's still quite a few meters in front of you. And he goes, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more, no more. What do you say? I say, it's okay, lad. It's okay, come here. Come here, talk to me. I think I recognize you. Okay, okay. He said, okay, as long as he's not here listening. And he starts to kind of cautiously come over to you.

What do you say? I say, what's wrong? Who's got you down? Who's watching you? Tell me everything. I'll help you out. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. He grabs onto you. He starts like crying and sobbing. Thank you so much. You saved me. You saved me. What's your name? My name is Francis, but you can call me Francis the Fried.

Francis the Fried, Francis the Fried, Francis the Fried, Francis. I'm Frank, and thanks to you, I'm Frank, I'm Frank the Free, I'm free. - Frank the Free. - And then he snaps his head off to the side. You hear as well with your passive perception, heavy footsteps. - Uh oh. - Coming towards where you are.

Everything r- everything alright over there, Francis. Who's that? Who is- do I see this guy at this point? You see this guy, he's grabbing him, he's crying, he's sobbing. Francis, are you being assaulted? You being assaulted? No, I'm good, but I hear something coming. I think we should cast a fog cloud. A fog cloud? Can you do that? I can do that. Oh, great idea. Yeah, do you cast fog cloud? Is that why you kinda look like a fish? I come from the sea! Oh, you're like- Oh, you mean my appearance? Yeah, no, I'm- I'm a fish.

I just, I don't like to bring it up, you know, I kind of, in this world, I feel a little uncomfortable about it. Yeah. But yeah, I'm a fish. Yeah, you got gills? Oh yeah, I got to stay wet. We got to get to the top of this tower quick. Okay. Francis, what does it look like as you cast Fog Cloud? I go, I go like this, and the fog comes up out of the ground.

Amazing. Wow. All of a sudden, this once warm, um...

vibrant, welcoming sunset field appears a lot more eerie and sinister as the fog rises and this sound of footsteps gets closer. You see Francis, you can barely make out this figure's face in front of you, and you see as the footsteps get closer, the mist in the distance starts to move. He puts up a single finger to his mouth and he goes, "As fast as you can, Francis."

You can't escape the gingerbread man. Out of the fucking mist, what looks like just a great blur sweeps this man, rending him off of his feet, and you see as he goes screaming into the fog, leaving a trail. As you hear the wheat field, Russell, you guys are safe concealed within the fog cloud, but you can tell that whatever this was- What the fuck was that? Has taken him. Frank. Frank, me boy.

I'm going to put a D6. Dude, I think your buddy just got fucking kidnapped. I think I got him killed. You got him killed? It's okay. You lose sailors at sea. It happens. The fish eat and so do the crabs. So the way the wheat fields work, Francis, is as he raises his finger to you and gets swept away, there is a...

creature in the wheat drawn to... Creature of the wheat. Drawn to excessive noise, to running, to fear, right? There's a D6 on the table. It starts at one. Every time moving your way to this cylinder that you guys create an excessive sound or fail a challenge or cause a large crash or maybe even just scream or raise your voice, that will be turned up one. When it reaches six, the creature will know where you are.

Oh, fuck. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. Oh. Shut the fuck up. He made the... You saw that guy get killed. Yeah, no, that was fucked up, dude. They can sense us. Dude, that was fucked up. That was fucked up. I know we need to be quiet, but I need to top off. I get...

I need a top off, boys. I wanna start freaking out if I can't do a little top off. Okay, this is the exact opposite of what we should be doing now. No, no, no, just relax. I just need a little top off. Where the hell did you get that? I always keep it on me. I know, it's a huge bottle, though. I never go anywhere without my room. Do you have a bag? Don't worry about it. All right. I get a little one of these, too. Where the hell did you get that from? That's awesome. I always keep it on me. What are you doing? I need grease.

I got it. You're eating a solid block of grease? My boy needs a little top off himself. I need grease. Oh, he needs grease. Give me that. You got a little top off yourself. I'm just gonna make sure that this is filled. Okay, we gotta get moving. A good sailor never spills his liquor. We gotta get moving through this wheat field. That we do. Let me try this grease before we... We should be safe for now.

That's... Oh, that's nasty. Oh, that's nasty! That was from AutoZone. Are you in the zone? Oh, you guys are in the zone. I'm gonna start moving. You start moving. Francis, are you keeping the fog cloud up? Of course. I'm gonna start wading through the wheat. You guys start going through the wheat. With the fog cloud, it is...

very, very hard to see where you're going. You can keep your eyes on the path below you. You guys are obscured, but so is the way. So, bit of risk-reward. It seems like it did help, though, in not getting spotted right away. - Well, we're in some sort of structure, correct? - You remember crashing into the structure? - Yes. - But now it appears you're in this big field. - In this big field. - It's a heavenly field. - But we know inherently that this is a structure at the end of the day. - You're inside of it, yeah.

It's a tesseract. Perhaps, is it possible that I could investigate to see if there's maybe something that could help us along the way? Maybe a separate path to avoid our creepy little weird presence. Yeah, yeah, you want to look for a separate... Maybe a hatch or something. You want to look for a hatch? Perhaps. Okay. A hatch. Um, yeah, why don't you just go ahead and give me a prescription.

What doesn't everyone go ahead and give me a perception check as you all look around try and find the best way forward to D20? Oh, did they just a D? Yeah, it's a d20 plus your perception. I got an 18 It looks like a 17 oh I am very 16 so I like this one 1515 Francis skills under skills investigation right perception perception perception skills

I got plus zero. I have plus five on a 17 roll. Wow. That's amazing. I am amazing. So 22? That's good math. And you have a what, Bush? 15 for me. Or I have an 18. Okay. 15, 18, 22. Really great, guys. We're very good. Everyone hears, with those great rolls, what sounds like snoring as you guys are walking forward.

Not human snoring. And with a 22, you can tell that it sounds like sleeping dogs of some kind. Dogs. Is there still the stomping noise? I don't hear the stomping. What I hear are the hounds. And Francis, with that, with a 22, your keen ears, accustomed to all of that time out on the vessel, out at sea, you can tell there's exactly three of these creatures, it seems like. I count three hounds in the distance. I can hear them. Three hounds, you say? That's right.

You guys are moving towards them in Butch as you try and investigate this wheat to see if there's a way around. It looks like you can kind of slide into it as the path starts, but it just becomes far too thick to continue to navigate. So it seems the only real option if you don't want to make too much sound and knock over wheat, which you could try, is heading towards this snoring sound. Oh. What would you like to do? Well, I mean...

Let's do it. Let's do it. Yeah, let's head towards those towns. Does anyone here have any experience with dogs or animals? Animals. Never seen an animal use my meats. Sauces. My sauces. Never seen an animal use my sauces. I kill the fuckers. Yeah, you do. They don't like you. They don't like you. Gentlemen, gentlemen, I have something to tell you. Oh? I've been known to possess an animal, make it do what I want.

It's an ability I learned out on the sea long day, long sober days I figured it out. Oh. Yeah, I ran out of liquor, things got wild. Oh, that's like running out of meat. But ever since then, I can do it. I can clear the way. Well, I... Well, fuck yeah, dude. I mean... This mechanical guy is kind of weird, huh? That was a mask? No, it was a... It was a body modification. That I can unplug at any time when it becomes too uncomfortable. But when it's equipped...

I feel better about myself. Oh, sweet. Very good. Very good. I'm feeling bad about myself. Get him some of that. A little bit of rust never hurt. A little bit of rust never hurt. And a little bit of grease never fixed up. All right, well, Francis, I mean, these hounds, I mean...

And you can't see them yet because of the fog cloud, but you can hear they're very very close. Let's go towards them. Perhaps we could ascertain... I need to lay eyes on the beast to take control. Yeah, can we check out what these hounds look like? You can- if you drop the fog cloud, you'll be able to see what they look like. Otherwise, if you continue to move forward, you're kind of just operating on sound until you're right next to them. How far ahead can we see? In the fog, like, maybe five feet. Maybe one chunk.

Not even a chunk. Low-rated. Maybe five blocks. Francis, if we get up there and those hounds are... If we get up there and those hounds start freaking out on us, I mean, you're gonna be our only shot. Maybe you head up to those hounds and maybe check them out yourself. Here's what's gonna happen, boys. I'm gonna drop the fog, and I'm gonna send Bio-Boy out there.

Okay, and he's gonna distract them while I get control. No, I'm not gonna do that. And you're just gonna keep me covered? How many can your little spell, how many can you possess? One of them? I've never done more than one and three quarters, but we gotta find out now. Okay, but I'm not gonna distract them. You got the least meat to lose. Two dogs. That's true, you got the least meat.

I can handle one big dog. Metal can be replaced. One big dog's easy, but it sounds like you think there's at least three. I'm not going to do it. Are you sure you want to drop the fog? That's the only thing that's... Whatever that noise is... One well-timed kick could take out one dog, but not two others. You think that if they're charging at the same time, things get messy. Hold on, Francis. Tell me more about this well-timed kick. Well...

Timed kick is all a dog needs. Hmm. Nah, I bet I don't know about that. I wanna see this in action. Let's see what happens. Can he drop the fucking fog so we can see what the fuck is over there before you send me out? We'll drop the fu- Oh shit. See, that's what happens when you yell. That's what happens when you yell. Mayo, as you raise your voice, you hear a distant groan, uh, in the wheat.

Hey, man, if you got a good well-timed kick that you're not, that you haven't been sharing with the rest of the group. I have a well-timed kick, yes, I do. You can't be gloating about your skills and not be willing to use them. Mayo, you look at your hands, and you see that your sauce, just a single drop, begins to leak on the ground, and you start to hear sniffing. These hounds are about to wake up unless you guys decide on a course of action. What do you do? Mayo.

Are you confident in your well-timed kick? You want me to kick him? I mean, if you think you can. Why don't I use a spell? I'm a sorcerer. You know, if he kicked one and he sacrificed his power fist for another... How about this? The dogs are faster than us, yes? He can get one of them. How about I well-timed kick one, you do whatever you do, and then Tucker...

Do we even know that these sounds are bad? And then whatever his name is, he goes and possesses the last one and we use that to our own advantage. Well, we need to make a choice. Well, time kick. You're making a mess here, son. You're making a mess. Are you attempting to kick one down? I run up to one and I kick it in the face. Okay. Francis, did you drop the fog? Well, now that he's kicked one, I drop the fog and we make a rake for it. Okay, good stuff. So...

Awesome. You run up, the fog drops. You see what these hounds look like. You can see they are medium, large, dog-looking creatures, almost like hellish in nature as their sort of features are gnarled. They are a golden...

brown color and you can see their their coat is cracked and muddied almost like the crust of bread would be. Oh gross. They're all chained to individual posts that that doesn't matter you weren't straight at one and you go to deliver a well-placed kick go ahead and roll to attack right on this dog. Is it a 20? As it wakes up and goes *roop* 20? D20, yep. 12 plus? Any additions? Plus what would I add? Add your strength or dex.

I'm gonna add my dex. Okay. I roll a 14. Very good. That was nice. That's enough to hit. Go ahead and roll damage on this hound. What's damage? 20? Damage is, uh, what is your unarmed strike damage? Uh, plus one. It's whatever your strength is. Zero. Zero damage. It says zero damage. Do you have no- do you have no strength? It sure looks like a zero. I knew he was all bark and no bite. Mayo, your joints...

are not what they used to be. And you find- Maybe at the last minute I try something else. You find right as you go for this well-placed kick, which does impact the dog, and you hear this crunch of this bread breaking, but unfortunately your joints lock up right at the end of your range of motion, and you basically just tap it. You see as it wakes up, and it starts-

Barking at you, the other two are waking up now. What do you guys do? Well, first of all, I yell out across the field. That's interesting, Mayo. It looks and appears that a well-timed kick has not defeated the dog. I need to visit. I need to take control. The barking as well is going to tick that counter up to three now.

I need to take control of the hounds. Okay. You guys only have a second here. Francis, Francis, you go for a hound, I'll go for a hound. Can I, uh, I wanna try to slit the throat of one of these hounds. Absolutely, yeah. Uh, Mayo, you can choose now to kinda try and scamper on while they're distracting. Butch, you run up, you go to slit one of their throats, go ahead and roll to attack. D20. 15. 15, plus 4 strength?

Very good. Yeah, that'll absolutely hit. Go ahead and roll your damage on your cleaver. Uh, yeah, I'm using my- I'm using my hand axe, so I'm using my 1d6 plus 4. Perfect. Go ahead and roll it. So, uh, 7. So 7 plus 4? Oh, no, 3 plus- Oh, 7 total? 3 plus 4. That's all- that's all you needed? Um, you run up- you run up to this hound, uh, and, I mean-

Like, you're the best thing since sliced bread. You turn this hound into sliced bread. And it basically just falls apart. It's like this. It's like... Yeah. It stays still where it is, and then it's like...

So smooth. You could even take some if you wanted to cook something with it later. Can I grab some and just put it in my pocket? Yep, you're done. In the pocket. Francis, you're up. Last hound's waking up. What do you do to make sure this thing doesn't bark? Animal handling. Putting it to sleep forever. Forever? Forever. So what are you doing to this poor dog? I'm gonna take control of its mind with some serious meditation.

And I'm gonna lower its heart rate to a point where it'll never recover. Okay, no, okay, so... It won't die, but it'll just be sleeping. Francis, how are you achieving that? With my animal handling. You, okay, so you're handling it to death? No, I just said it won't die, it'll just be in a permanent state of slumber. So you, you want to... Francis would never kill an animal. I would never. No, no, no, no, no. Well, except for the fish I eat. Okay, okay, describe as you approach this animal what it looks like, and then roll animal handling.

That's a big black beast. It's like a big, big sort of golden brown muddy beast. It looks almost like the crust of bread. It's big, it's golden brown. It looks like a Wonder Bread loaf, but with a big old meaty head with big teeth. Yeah. Claws coming out. They look like chocolate chip cookies with fangs. It's brutal. And so I had to take control. And here we go. What dice is it?

D20 plus your animal handling. Animal handling is a plus five. Here comes the D20. Okay. 17. Holy shit. Yeah, I got something going on. With a 22, Francis, describe exactly how you achieve what you just said, because you do. I immediately crisscross applesauce under the ground in the field of wheat. I enter a state of meditation. I pour out all the booze that I have with me.

And in this meditative state, I take control of its mind and I lower its heart rate down to single digits. Holy shit! It's a deep, deep hibernation that most animals never recover from. And with this, we can slip right by. It's about as good as killing it. You basically killed it. No, no, no, but I keep my peace with God. I do. He's keeping his peace with God. I keep my peace with God. Unlike me, Mayo.

I sliced it into 70 pieces. I figured one kick would have done well, but... Yours is still alive. No, yours is still alive if you want to try again, but if you do fail it, it will bark again. Are you going to lose that hand? Will timed kick again? No.

Oh! You're losing confidence for that, that's interesting. Moving away from the hounds, as you know, this thing will continue to chase you unless you break line of sight. You guys continue down the path. You've made some sound, but otherwise that hound appears to be sleeping for an indefinite amount of time. Sleeping. That one appears to be now 70. Little sliced hounds. Hell yeah. Um. Yes. And you continue to move until you hear what sounds like water. Wait, what happened to the-

The last hound? They were all chained to posts. So it continues- it continues to bark as you guys- as you guys walk away, but you don't- it doesn't chase after you, yeah. Oh, that fucking bitch. But it appears, unfortunately, a well-placed kick was not enough to take out this particular hound. That's okay. Isn't that interesting? It seems you're not pulling your weight there, Mayo. Whoa! Ohohoho. Ayy.

You alright? Yes. Mayo comes out. As you guys reach the next, uh, obstacle, you see what sounds like rushing water is actually a 20-foot across river of flowing angel's hair spaghetti. Whoa! Not a bridge in sight, it appears the path to vanishes under this raging rapid. What do you guys do?

Can I- can I see, uh, can I try to ascertain how deep the water- the- the angel hair is? Oh, don't- don't you worry about the water. Uh, I got a spell for this. I hit it with my ray of frost. We freeze this thing right up, we go right over. Oh, okay. Interesting. Yeah, it's just like being in the Arctic. You ever been up there? Cold. Oh. Cold. Alright, we'll do it.

Nice. There it goes. Which I'm going to say you obviously still get to do this. As you dip your hand in, it does appear that under the spaghetti, or at least under about six inches of it to a foot, there is eventually what feels like liquid. So maybe there is a real river running under this. Oh, okay. After you ascertain that, you cast Ray of Frost. I'm going to say you don't even have to roll. Here's how it's going to go. Um.

You cast Ray of Frost. You see as the spaghetti, like it has not been cooked yet almost, hardens to create a patch, but it still continues to flow. So you can create those small patches, but it looks like it's still moving. You'll need to be very coordinated to try and work your way across, but this is a method that could absolutely work. I think if I get a running start, no kicks involved, I can use my condiment arms and squirt a little bit.

Generate some force which will send me all the way. We're by the other side of the river. I like the idea of mayo squirting. I do it. I run towards the ice. Yes. As well-timed as I know, I put my arms down and I begin to lift. Let's grab on. Let's grab on. Do we grab on now? Oh, do you want to grab on? Absolutely. It's going to be harder if they grab on.

A little more difficult. Let's just... You are a fish, so I will take you. Oh, fuck yeah. See ya, buddy. All right, fuck you guys. Good. Okay. Bye-bye, butcher boy. Here we go. Mayo, like you're back at the trenches, you blast off mustard and ketchup in either hand. Go ahead, and I'm going to say this is a spellcasting check. Your spellcasting ability as a sorcerer is charisma. Go ahead and roll me a charisma check.

Hold. I need my hand to see how... Oh, why not the other one? See how powerfully you can blast off here. See how far you can get across the river. That's a five. Oh. Plus? Butcher boy, I'm sorry.

A nine? That's a nine. That's single digits. Mayo. We fall in the river. Mayo. Your condiments in here seem more powerful. They seem like a steady stream, but unfortunately that first burst is all... Oh, it's the juice. It's all the rest of the juice. It's the juice. You cleanse your system, but it gets your angle off slightly. You guys see as you make it 10 feet across this 20-foot river before you start to fall. Francis, you have one opportunity here to try and either...

To try and salvage this somehow otherwise you guys are both going in the spaghetti River together well, man I think we're gonna fall but don't worry. I am a fish. I think I'll swim us through this okay You could also try stuff to save yourself from falling in the river in the first place you fucking idiot you fuck okay sailor doesn't mind getting wet

Every good trip involves a plunge. As you yell out this instruction to them, you hear as these footsteps become even closer. You're fucked. And you see as the wheat in the distance starts to move. Great. Well, what I do is I- Can I- We're not done yet. Almost. I'll get to you in a sec. With a splash, you guys crash into the water of the river, and as soon as you do, I need you

to both make acrobatics checks. It's a skill. Acrobatics, okay, what D is this? D20. Go ahead and roll it, add your acrobatics. As the river starts to wash you away and you try to regain your bearing quickly. Hold on, hold on, I've got it. Hold on, I've got it. What is that? That's an add 20. That's a 20, baby! Holy shit! Luckily Irish. Unless you roll a 1, you're okay.

Eleven! Or fourteen! I got a plus three on that too, so I got a 23. My eyes aren't good. You got a twi- Francis, you're on fuckin' fire, dude. Hey, it's a look at the Irish! Francis, how- describe what it looks like as you take both you and Mayo to safety across this river. As soon as I do that, my coat comes off. It comes off in the river. Oh. Yeah, 'cause it's getting a little steamy. Hold on. Uh, Butch, from your perspective, they go into the river and you say, "Only Francis's coat" *laughs* "Rises back up to the top." It rises to the top!

Can I react real quick? Shut up! No, it's gentle. It's... My fish form becomes more pronounced than it ever has been. He holds on and we swim to shore.

Where I enter back to my half-fish, half-human nature. Well, I could have done it myself, because I rolled a 16. Oh, that's good. Good for you. Amazing. Amazing. And you know what? On the way there, now that your condiments are clear, you are relishing the moment, and you're spurting across. Oh, yeah. You're good. You're feeling good. Butch, you're still on the other side of the river. What would you like to do? Well, that ice is still going across the river, right? That ice has passed, but if Francis was... It's passed? The river is rushing.

So he froze a chunk of the spaghetti and it kept moving basically. Oh. But he could do that again for you. I could freeze it again for you. Freeze some of that ice for me real quick. Oh, we're gonna cut a deal though. Can you freeze it so it goes from shore to shore? Maybe there's a little bit of tension there that keeps it there. I'll do it, but I want the best cut of steak you got in your pocket. Because I know you got some hound steak. How about I'll just help you out later if you help me out now. No, I want one of your soggy steaks.

You want it because it's soggy? Yeah, I do. Alright, that's a deal. Put it across the river. Put it there! I can't reach you. Oh, right, right. There's a river. There's a river. Okay, okay, I'll give you a little icy!

I come across. Nice. Francis, this blast of cold energy shoots out of your hand and you see as you are able to create a winding, albeit still slightly treacherous, much firmer path than before. Across. Butch, you're gonna try and take this path? Oh yeah, I am, but I'm doing it this way.

I'm putting these on the bottom of my shoes. Oh! I'm turning them into ice skates. I like the cut of your jib, son. Actually, such a good idea, I'm not even gonna make you roll. So I go like this, imagine these are my shoes. Yeah. And I go, and I go, shh, shh, shh.

Oh my god. I'll pooch-wag you. Do you like pirouette or pop any tricks on the way over? You can- you- this is a great idea. Uh, can I roll- can I roll for like a- Do an uber trick. Like a triple spin. Do an uber trick. Do an uber trick. Give me an athletics check. You don't know what that's called? And that's 20. D20 plus your athletics. You wanna do a 1080. That's a triple spin. That's a 15. Hey, you're- you're learning! 15.

Nice. Plus six. Twenty-one. Twenty-one. You can do any trick you want. Describe it. Uber trick. I'm doing the middle of something here. Um...

Francis is like Mario watch this this is gonna be a hype man of the group so I've been I've been I've been skating I've been skating and then I I wind up and I do I do a fucking quadruple axle holy shit and then I land it it's like this

And then I'm like, like with my leg up behind me and then I slide all the way to the other side of the shore and I said, "Miss me, boys?" And we hear an applause in the distance. Yeah, the beast starts going that way instead. Um, okay. You guys have cleared the spaghetti river, but this thing has your scent. You can hear it moving in these distant, uh, actually not so distant anymore fields. Uh, getting closer, you can hear the crunching of wheat, but you're almost out of here. I got this.

You guys are almost to the cylinder. You can see it in the distance, but right before you reach there, there's a rickety wooden stand on the side of this path. And you can see there's a sign above it, again, in that wood spray painted on. It says bake sale in red. Bake sale. And just on the table, bake sale, there is a tray of what appears to be cookies. Six cookies. What do you do? Well, I think we should each get two and make a sale. I don't eat.

Oh, that's three- that's three each. Hey, nice. Uh, can I- can I look around the stand and see if there's anyone around? Yeah, go ahead and give me an investigation check. That is- it's 20, right? 50, 20? And I got a- 13. Very good. Go ahead and read your- read your investigation. What, uh, plus what? Investigation...

Plus two. Very good, so 15 total? That's a 15. Okay, investigating around this stand, there appears not to be any person, but you think, as you're looking around, it is very odd that this stand is so derelict and decrepit for how fresh and enticing these cookies look. Right, yeah, there seems to be a bit of a dichotomy going on, boys, that I find to be a little bit suspicious. Um... Mayo!

Ah, well... Perhaps he... What are you doing? Yes, he's consumed by technology. What are you doing? Nothing. Perhaps you search around with your robot eyes and see if, you know, these cookies are fresh, but the stand is... Don't worry about it. ...is derelict. What do you want me to do? I just think that there's a... There's kind of like... I don't know what's going on here. Cookie fresh, but shack.

Forget about barbeque cookie fresh Shack. Yeah, good cookies cookies look good though. They look good Those are some good looking cookies Mayo, and you know what with a 15 as well I'll tell you cuz you have some experience in baking you went to culinary school. You can tell these are snickerdoodles Those are snickerdoodles. I don't know what you want me to do. What do you want me to do? I'm just saying man. It's okay. I

You look around, not even gonna make you check. Still same situation. Wheat field, stand, cookies. Eat it if you want it so badly. Eat the cookie. I think that he should eat the cookie. Me? Yeah, you're like- Eat the cookie! Oh, gladly! Give me an R-Tech R6. You're gonna eat all- okay. Yeah, I love a good cookie. Do you eat a cookie? Yeah, I eat R6. He's eating R6. Okay. There's no cookies on the sea. At once? Well, I mean one after the other. Okay. Go ahead and make-

Go ahead and make me six wisdom saving throws. Oh my god. So go into your saving throws. Six wisdom saving throws. Which I think actually you are very good at.

Wisdom, I don't see on- You have plus five. Plus three, right? Or plus five? Wisdom, plus five. Saving throws, plus five. Nice, so you got a plus five. Okay. So you gotta roll that six times. What d is it? D20. Okay, I'm making- how many rolls? Six? Six. Six wisdom saving throws. Natural 20. Holy shit, okay. First one, first one. So it's a 25. Dude, fucking easy, Francis. One bite. You feel yourself, um, you feel like you would be healed up if you had been hurt at all. I feel fantastic.

You feeling great? You feel like that would have healed you? Wow, I'm surprised it wasn't, uh, it wasn't, it wasn't, you know, poisonous or something. Oh, it was delicious. Alright. Have another one. Have another. Five. Ten. Ten total? Ten total. Ten total is not enough. You see, as you bite into this second cookie, swallow it down, um, Francis, you suddenly feel like this cookie is the funniest thing you've ever eaten, dude.

And you start laughing. Oh, it's good. It's funnier than that. What's funny about it? The cookie is chocolate in it. Oh, wait, no, it's a snickerdoodle. There's a cinnamon, maybe. Francis, you start laughing loud. Francis, you start laughing uncontrollably. You gotta help me.

I need to calm him down. I need to calm him down. I'm casting calm thoughts. I feel calm. I feel calm. Shit. Oh, that ain't a good fella. When Francis first erupts into laughter, you hear in the distance,

Who tried my cookies? Oh my god. You ate all- He's got still four more wisdom checks to do. Now I don't think I want to eat the other four. You realized what they did at this point. This was live. You're also laughing too hard to eat any more cookies. You're on the ground retching- Mayo, what did you try and do? I cast Calm Emotions on him. Okay, nice. Is that a save or anything? I need to calm him down. This is a spell. Is there a save with the spell or does it just work? Attack slash save.

Charisma 14. Okay, nice. Go ahead and make me a... I'm going to say for the purposes of this, go ahead and make me a Charisma saving throw to see if this works on you. Charisma. Ooh. Minus one. You want to fail here. Oh. Yeah. All right. No problem.

17 17 total 16 total 16 total unfortunately francis is laughing too hard uh and son of a bitch he just thinks the deal he struck with davey jones to sell off his wife and daughter is too funny you screwed me the fish never got any bigger

Francis, as you continue to laugh, go ahead and make me one last wisdom saving throw here. This is to make or break this. If you fail this, this thing will find you, and I'm going to let you roll this in a special little box. Did I get a box? I love a good box. I love a good box. The lunchbox of doom. Uh-oh. Go ahead. What is it? Don't tell me.

It was a 19. Oh! So I didn't fail. You didn't fail? Your haunting sailor's past rushes back to you, you're training on the seas. Oh, shut up! And you manage to calm yourself right as this thing is closing in. You see as the wheat is moving closer and closer, it's now or never, you guys need to make it to the cylinder. I use Gust. MEOW!

What do we do? Hell yeah. Yeah. You cast gusts and in a blast of wind, you guys feel the wind at your backs as you run closer to this cylinder. You see as it opens up and there's a figure in the path behind you, his footfall. Pfft. Pfft.

Getting closer. Come back here, little piggies. You run into the cylinder. You see as it just closes on what looks like this abomination with this ginger hair you never quite got to see. It's a giant ginger! He's an Irish lad just like me. Brother!

Not today, son. Not today. And you guys feel whoop as you are sucked up almost this tube. From inside, it appears to be translucent and you can see these fields below you growing further and further away. As you are sucked up and spit out into a...

glassy black room with two tubes in front of you. Looks like there's two options in which to go. - Glassy black room with two tubes? There's nothing in this room other than that? - Nothing in this room. It looks like it's the same material that the pyramid was on the outside. - Oh. - It appears to be almost as if it's like a space between these layers. You can also tell-- - Two tubes. - What's up? - So we can, they're within walking distance? - Mm-hmm, two tubes pretty much right next to you. - With entrances.

Yeah! Same as that one you just went into where it appears the door slides open and slides shut when you get close. I've got something for this. Yeah? Yes. Oh. Delightful. I am going to cast... My. Where the fuck is it?

You know, for a robot, he's a little slow with that thing. I'm gonna cast Creeping Touch. Creeping Touch. This is very clever, actually. I've used that at the tavern. Hey, hey, listen. Listen. It doesn't... It's not rapey at all like that was. Creeping Touch. Here's what I do. I detach my hand at the wrist. Whoa!

- Whoa! - And my hand turns into a spider. - Whoa! - Get it away! - It's a spider, it's a spider! - Hey! - This spider I can control. I reckon I send him up one of the tubes. - Oh! - And we see what happens. - Smart! - I like the cut of your jib, sir. - Smart! - I can see what he sees, except right now, my eyes are like entirely white, 'cause I'm in the spider! - Okay. - All right.

That's terrifying. What do I have to do? That's terrifying. Uh, my hand looks like I've been in a public pool for two hours. So pruned. So pruned. You've been elbow deep in the sauces without even knowing it. Do you want to send the spider left or right to? I'll send him...

Left. Yes. Yes. Yes. Sure thing, Buzz. Spider goes off to the left tube, the door opens up, and it sucks up the tube. Your eyes are in the spider, you see as this glossy black cylinder, you are traversing down, and foosh, it spits you out into, um, cool. Oh.

- Spits you out into what looks like a lush orchard with apples growing on the trees. Another cylinder tube in the distance. - Oh, nobody will be getting scurvy today. - And you can see as well as an orchard, it also appears that there's a cider mill nearby. - Cider mill? - And past that, a vineyard. - So many wines. They just sell it. It's like every single thing that happens.

By the way, the left tube seems pretty good. The left tube seems pretty good. Is it good? Yep. I'm seeing a vineyard and a tree and a beautiful vineyard. A vineyard? A side of mill. Wine.

Oh, what a commodity. A beautiful vineyard, really. Yes. Well, I mean, it sounds like that's the direction that we should go. Well, maybe we should check the one on the right. We should check the one on the right. Are we allowed to do that? We should do that. Uh, the spider does not see a way back through the tube. So that's your only obstacle here. Oh, okay. Oh, so I'm still in spider. It's still my... Yeah. Must pull out. Now, here's a question I have for Francis. Oh.

We used one spider, maybe we could look around and see if there's any spiders on the ground. That he could- he could control. And send up the other two. Okay, interesting. This is like a glossy black, like,

Fucking alien plane. I'm gonna say you can make a Investigation check with a very high DC. I'm gonna say you're gonna need like a 20 to find something here. Is that me? Yeah, all right Whoever's looking for the spider if you guys are both looking for but he's gonna use me Okay, Francis if you want do you want to help him look for the spider? What's your what's your no cuz I think it's bullshit. I don't think there's a spider in here. Okay? All right Yeah, all right here I go

That is a... what? That's high. That's high? That's an 18 plus 2, 20. Oh shit! Well, the luck of the Irish! Butch, when you threw on the apron this morning, it had been collecting dust for a couple days, dude. And you know what else it had been collecting? Spothers.

Spiders. Spiders. There's a little spider that crawls on out that you notice as you lean down. You have a spider. Put him down on the floor and I'll do the rest. Alright. There you go, Francis, you weird fish boy. I enter my meditation state. Do you have to meditate every time you do this? Yeah. Oh, sorry. Criss-cross applesauce on the floor. Eyes closed. I pour a shot out of my bottle. Okay, yeah.

Alright, take control of the spider. We send him up the right hand tube. You send him up the right hand tube. Um, now, are you casting a spell on the spider or what are you doing? Animal handling. So animal handling is like if you were offering pudding to a dog. Oh. And you wanted it to be calm, or like if you were trying to calm down an animal, or get an animal to be nice to you, or aggravate an animal. Can you possess? Uh, hold on, hold on. I would say taking control of a spider would be a magic fucking spell. Alright.

Is there anything he can do? Hold on. You might have a spell for this. Do you have like an animal friendship spell or anything? It says, animal handling says, allows you to calm or train an animal or get an animal to behave in a certain way. Okay, so I will say, if you spend some time, you can train this spider to go up the tube if you roll well. You gotta spend some time to train the spider. You can't see what he's saying. You'll just send the spider up a tube. I mean, you can do it.

You just won't see what the spider sees. Man, if that D20 moment I just had was just the fact that I could find a spider. It was. A spider. We can do nothing with a spider. I mean, I thought you had a spell. Maybe if we get another...

high roll, we get a little... we get a little something-something. What does that mean? I'm trying to bribe your way through this. Tucker, you have to have a reason that what you're doing would work, right? Well, we've had a lot of spiders on the ships over the years. I mean...

We had this wand and a big- Wait, are you trying to get more spiders? No, I'm telling you the history. Are you trying to brainwash a spider to go up a tube and how are you going to know what it's doing somehow? I'm telling you that I have a history with the spider. Okay, and that's fine. You know, we would ship rum from Cuba to...

Iceland and the spiders in Cuba, you know, they were many. And by the time we got to Iceland, there were more spiders than sailors. That's terrifying. Well, actually, that's not that big a deal. But I got to know them quite well. You know, I'd feed them. I'd take flies. I'd put them in the webs.

Francis, how are you going to get the spider to- to do what we're trying to do? I thought I just would have a bond with it and I would get in its head. Maybe I'll tell mine to keep going? That one can't get back. I can- Well, we can go further! So? I can see what he's seeing! Mayo, what happens if you can't get your arm back? If the spider is killed or prevented from returning to me, your hand is restored.

but you take 1d6 points of psychic damage. If you command the spider to return, it crawls back to your wrist and the spell ends. Yeah. I, you know, my confidence with the spiders is dwindling quick. I think we, I think we send his... I'm just asking you to try to do something with this spider that I spent all this...

Energy to get for you. Just try something. I'm trying! I feel like I'm getting a lot of pushback. You just give me a lot of backstory right now about your experience with spiders. Guys, I'm gonna have my spider keep moving. Yeah. I'm gonna have them keep moving on the left because it seems... You have your spider keep moving? Pretty good. Yes. You have your spider continue to move on the left. Dude, so far, so good. Can you smell through the spider?

No. No? But I can hear. You can hear through the spider? What does it sound like? It sounds... You hear the delightful chirping of birds. You hear distant rivers. You hear soft...

welcoming breeze. It actually seems pretty nice. Again, rows of these orchards that are sorry, rows of these apple trees that vineyard in the distance. If you just keep moving forward through this field past everything, nothing, nothing's happening. You're just moving to the two guys. I think we should go to the left.

Let's fucking do it! I start- wait, first of all, I'm like, fuck this. I stomp on the spider, and then I say "fuck this!" and I'm just running towards the tube and I dive in like this *huff* and I go through. Okay, nice. Yeah, can you go ahead? Yeah, can you roll to stomp the spider? Huh? Roll to attack the spider. Oh yeah. Oh, of course. Yeah. We got options.

Two. It gets away. Dammit! You run to the tube. I assume you're all following, right? I missed. Yes. Amazing. So should I just do it? Should I be like this? I'll be like, I'll be like,

Yeah, just put it there. And out of embarrassment, I just start sprinting. Yeah. Start something and dive through. Um, fucking phenomenal. You guys go through the tube, you feel it suck you up, uh, one more time, uh, and you are dumped out the same place that your hand was at these rows of orchards, uh, rows of apple trees leading to that distant tube. What do you do? So nice of you. Well, boys, I think I'm gonna have a few apples, you know? You know, if I don't have any fruit, I start to get scurvy, and we all know how that goes.

Okay, so you know fruit to get your fruit while you can yeah, so these are apple trees everywhere apple looking good can I just Yeah, you cut off one of the apples from this beautiful looking environment and As soon as you do as soon as you touch the apple. There's a rumbling

And you see it's in your hands as you- You're just full of bad ideas, aren't you? As you bring it to your mouth- I just don't want scurvy! It starts to age and ferment. And the juice from this apple starts to seep out. Why? And you see as this effect spreads, it's happening to all of these fruits. Can I toss it away? Ew! Yeah, you toss it away. You go, ew! Hits the ground, kind of starts molding. I mean, ew. This fermented liquid, um...

starts to all drip down from these apples and you even see from the vineyard the grapes fermenting and falling and even from that distant building, liquid seeping out of it as it all starts to come together, working its way through the dirt and grass in front of you and as it starts to take shape.

shape. And in front of you, becoming this large, viscous, golden glob with a face is the Cider Elemental. This elemental of pure alcohol forms in front of you with an angered expression and says, "What are you dudes doing in my orchard?" Go ahead and roll initiative. Oh! Is that a 20? D20. D20, plus your initiative modifier.

That ain't looking good. A 14, a 15, and a 2. So I got- I got- Who's got what? Okay, I roll 18. And Tucker... And they both got an 18. ...plus 1. So you got 3. Francis has 3. I'm not looking to initiate anything. You want that. You want to be able to initiate the fight. Okay. Let me rearrange these here. Hang on. Oh, that's why I got you two chaps. Oh, yeah. This guy's got... That's why I got the crew.

What the hell is that thing? It's a giant- well, it's a- it's a freaky little cider boy. And he's- he's got a weird- he's a lot more intimidating than he sounds. I'm a cider man, dude! And I'm gonna jump down your throat! That's terrifying, actually. First up is Mayo. Alright. Mayo, show 'em what you're made of. What do you do? We're gonna have to fight this guy. I'm gonna cast Ray of Sickness.

We're like rate of sickness rate of sickness I feel violently ill Go ahead. So good. What is the rate of sickness do isn't an attacker is it a say how does it work? It's a cast attack save Con 14 okay, so con so he has to make a constitution save okay. He's made of alcohol. It's pretty good at this. We'll see how it goes oh

He rolled a fucking five. What does it do to him? The target takes 2d8 poison damage. It finally just made its way here. On a failed save, it is also poisoned until the end of your next turn. It's working! Yeah! 2d8. That's this. I have really bad news. What? The one...

Thing that this alcohol monster is resistant to is in fact poison. What the fuck dude? It's it is poison alcohol is poison. No one is not but you fight fire with fire Fire, but there's a good idea Weirdly enough you're getting me fucked up. Oh

You got him drunk that's fucked up because I have a fireball. Yeah, well I specifically now, you know now, you know Okay, you still roll the damage. It's just gonna do half Seven seven damage. Okay, he's gonna take only three damage seven. Yeah. Oh two sevens. Yeah to d8 Oh, that's really really good. Okay, he takes seven damage total then I'm so sorry Wow nice I'm so sorry

"Oh, was that some of your poison? "Well, let me show you some of mine." - Uh-oh. - Uh-oh. - And he starts to swell up. Who would have wanted, who would have probably started combat closer to him, do you think? - Well, I was the one who picked the,

I picked the- You picked the apple. I picked the apple from the tree. You did, you did pick the apple. I got no beef with this man. I- I mean, I picked the apple from the tree. You picked the apple. Okay. I'm gonna say in that case, 'cause you cast the racingness, he's gonna be able to hit you two, uh, Butch and Mayo. Shit. Nerds. With, uh, this... BLEH! Alcohol sort of blast that he sends out of his body. Go ahead, both of you guys, um, make a constitution saving throw.

Oh fuck. What did he say? That's a three. Okay. That's a three plus that's a five. Eighteen. Okay. Schlott, you pass. You don't have to drink. No! Really? I guess you can anyway. Butch. That's a good boy right there. Unfortunately.

He remains true on his promise and you feel as down your entire throat as it is opened up by a tendril of this cider elemental. This thing goes flying down. Go ahead, a big, no, right out of the bottle. Right out of the bottle. Big gulp. There you go, my boy. Just like Papa taught you. There you go! There you go. Fuck.

Oh, how'd that go down? Yeah, I think twice before touching my apples next time, dude. There you go! That was like two full shots. And you are gonna take... Oh fuck, man. Nine, ten, eleven. Jesus. You're gonna take fourteen poison damage. Okay. Wait. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Mayo, you're only gonna take seven poison damage because you succeeded the save. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

13, 14. And you're already halfway done with your fucking drink anyway. So whatever. I don't think that matters. All right. Fuck, dude. What's your health at? 27 out of 41. Okay. That hurt. Can't hold your liquor, dude. What's the problem? Damn. Is it my turn? Not yet. Okay, I have my turn. Now it is. Butch, you're up. What do you do?

Meat Rage! Activate! Nice! Is that a spell? It's an ability! I can start a... It's my ability. It's my... Meat Rage? Yeah. I'm now in Meat Rage. Meat Rage. Sorry, what does Heroic Inspiration do for me, by the way? Heroic Inspiration just means if you roll a die and I tell you you fail or you don't like the outcome, you can re-roll it and use that inspiration. That was... I gave it to you because... Could I choose the best out of those? Or...

Or is it, or is it I could try to re-roll and I have to commit to the re-roll? I would say, I would, uh, best out of the re-rolls. Um...

Meat rage! And I'm in meat rage mode. Woah! Okay, so in meat rage, um... That's my bonus action. That's your bonus action? Yeah. You have advantage on strength checks and strength saves. Oh, this is actually helpful that I played Baldur's Gate. Uh-huh. You get a +2 bonus to your damage. You have resistance to bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing, and you can't cast spells anymore. I can't cast spells anymore. You can't cast spells, but you get- Good thing I mostly hit things with my hand. There you go. What do you do from there?

Well, I would love to- What are you gonna do dude? Hit me? Solve everything with violence? Uh, yes. Now if you do, you lose man. You socially lose if you hit me. Well, you gonna take the weak man's way out and hit me dude? How far away is he? Uh, he's like right next to you. He's right next to me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pick the apple. He's like five feet away from you. I'm gonna- I'm gonna go like this. I'm gonna go like- Nice. Okay. Go ahead and roll to attack.

See if you can change him from 40 proof to 20 proof. 11 plus 6. Nice, so 17 hit? Absolutely hits. As you cleave through him, go ahead and roll your damage. My damage is the, uh, that is an 8. This is a 6. 1d6 plus 4.

So six. Total. Uh, plus you added four already? Yeah. You get to add another two because of your rage, so eight. Eight! Yes! Eight damage. Alright, what does it look like as you cleave this creature in half? Uh, it, it looks like, it looks like I go like this and I go, and, and his, and I can see the bubbles that, that fulfill, he's, he's, he's cider and he's bubbles, but the bubbles are,

I-I noticed seemed to be where his soul lies, and my- and my blades cut through the bubbles of his soul, putting damage onto him. Dude! Fuck, that attack would've done nothing if you didn't find my soul bubble! *laughs*

Shit! You see a glowing red core within him that's slightly cracked now. My most vulnerable spot! Mayo! Francis! That red core, it seems like, is weak spot. Don't listen to this guy! He's a liar and you shouldn't trust him! Have a drink instead! Trust me! Um, up next is finally you, Francis. I appreciate that more than you know, given how long it took me to pull that up, that episode. Um...

It's - who? Francis. If I can't stop you from going home, I'm gonna at least keep you from driving there. Francis, you're up next. Well, he's made of alcohol and I do love that stuff as is - as does any good sailor. Oh my god. So I'm gonna use charm and I think we're gonna hit the tavern tonight. I think we're gonna break some bread. Oh shit. Do you have like a - you're like, what are you gonna do? Like a spell or - I'm gonna charm person. Oh, you have charm person? I do.

Okay, alright. Um, read me out what that does. One humanoid you can see within range makes a wisdom saving throw. Yeah, he's dude coded. It does so with advantage if you or your allies are fighting it. Okay. So he gets two throws, right? So yeah, he's gonna make two, he's gonna take the better one. He's not super wise because he is made of alcohol. Hard way at all. Here we go.

Okay, first roll is a five. Second roll is a 13. Do either of those pass? Help me out here. Attacks slash save is wisdom 13. So he saved. Unfortunately, with a 13, he's able to overcome your charm. Your charms, dude. You're not that charming. I mean, you're not that charming. You're not that charming, dude. And I don't like Wagyu.

Hey, tell you what, you do have a bit of a glint in your eye though. If you help me kill your two friends, we can totally go out for drinks after this. What's in it for me? Is it that easy? Drinks, dude. Unlimited drinks. And you can stay here forever. Unlimited drinks. Unlimited drinks. Well, lucky for you two boys, you know, I always keep some on me.

So I'm not in need. Where is it coming? Is there like a pocket universe in your body? It just comes out of me. I'm gonna absorb that and I'm gonna ruin it for you forever. So we gotta fuck this guy up. Alright, is it the... That is Francis' turn. Unfortunately, charm person doesn't work. Up next is top of the round, Mayo.

Firebolt! Who's got a lighter? Who's got a lighter? I don't think in this context anyone has a lighter. A good drunk can't smoke and drink. I'm glad that spider isn't in here, he'd be having a terrible day. Firebolt! I hurl a mote of fire at a creature or object within range, make a ranged spell attack against the target. Nice. On a hit, the target takes 1d10 fire damage. Amazing. A flammable object hit by the spell ignites if it isn't being worn or carried.

Dispel damage, increases, uh no, it's still okay. So you just roll for attack. Go ahead and roll to attack. Yeah. Add your plus to hit with that. D20. What do you got? 14, 20. 20's absolutely gonna hit as you fire off this bolt of flame towards him. Describe what it looks like as it pops into him. Go ahead and roll your damage. Apoha is flammable. Okay, D10, is that this? Yeah. Uh, yeah. I think? It's so small from here. I launch my firebolt at him. Yes.

And it is on fire and it hits him. Three.

Three damage? Do you add anything? Well, it says plus six next to the firebolt. That's just for, uh, that's just for attack, but he is vulnerable to fire, so as you hit them with his, he goes, Oh, no, dude, I'm getting too lit. Go ahead and roll the damage again. We're going to add them both together. Okay. So double damage. Six. Nice. Total of nine damage. He is not looking good, you see, as the alcohol starts to evaporate off of him.

He's not looking good. He's not looking good. Up next is the cider elemental. He turns to you, Mayo. You, dude!

I want you! What did I do to you? I want you, dude! What did I do to you? I want you! Why is he clarifying it so much? He starts to turn into this tidal wave that rushes towards you, this flaming fucking tidal wave that sweeps over you as he rolls to attack here. Hey, I'll watch out! Okay, first roll to hit is a... Oh my gosh, 19 to hit. So I roll 20? What's your AC?

AC? Armor class, yes. Armor class? 14. 14, so that's absolutely gonna hit you. He crashes into you. Okay. This flaming, uh, alcoholic wave. Go ahead and take a drink, and take, uh... You don't have to tell me what to do. You got it. You're about to make three shoots to the window, boy. Nine- nine poison damage. Nine poison damage. Holy shit. Damn. I'm hurting. Oh, dude! I'm not done! He turns to you, Francis. Francis!

Dude, you seem kind of shy dude. Everyone's looking at you. You know what would help? A drink! And he dives towards your throat. Um, this thing is fucking horrific. That is going to be an 18 to hit. What is your AC Francis? 11, it hits. Okay, it hits. Francis, you are going to take a drink and you are going to take, Jesus, 10 poison damage.

He's not fucking around, dude. He's not fucking around. Francis, he sends a good amount of alcohol down your gullet and even into those gills. Some gills you didn't even know you had. Alright, go for it. Here it comes. There you go! Don't you feel much better?

*Bullying* Okay, I will say, this guy actually chills a lot, dude. Oh fuck. That was a hell of a poor me, boy! Dude, what the fuck? That's awesome. Um, up next is you, Butch. You see him do this, turn into a tidal wave, pass through these two, come out the other side, but you've got a shot on him. What do you do? Well, she needs to kill this motherfucker. You better fuck this motherfucker up!

So I have two of these. Uh-huh. In my character. Can I use them both in one go? Or like, how does that work? Or do I just like switch them off every time I have it? Yes, you can. On the second roll, you're not going to add... When you attack with your offhand, you're not going to add your strength to the bonus damage. Like you're not going to add your strength to the damage, but you are going to add that plus two rage. So go ahead, roll one attack first. Okay. Yes. And also, how long does my rage last?

You're chillin right now at the end of this combat. It'll be over. Okay. I think it lasts a minute. Here we go Yeah rolling for attack. That's a 15 15 gonna hit go ahead and roll your second attack - here we go 11 and then they're both there. Those are both plus six both of them hit yes

So, nice. You cleave into him with two of these slashes. I go like this, I go like- I come up and I'm like, I'm like running at him like a crazy guy 'cause I've- 'cause- because I have more trauma since the last dungeon. And I- and I go around like- Storm, you're scaring me, dude! You're scaring me! This is freaking me out, bro! What the fuck?

You chop into them go ahead roll your first damage So that's gonna be your damage die plus your strength plus the plus two for barbarian three plus four yes Plus two nice so the first one does eight nine right nine nine nice Go ahead and roll it again and add two this time just two so it's six so six is it's a four and then nice two is six Butch how do you want to do this? Oh? Oh, yeah, okay?

Shit. He had 11 HP with the second attack. That is just enough. So as I'm slicing and I'm going...

What they don't know is that I am such an experienced chef that I am I'm such good so good at cutting that every single little Carbonated bubble in the cider is getting sliced and as I am slicing through him the little cider man can feel his life force getting away He tries to move his body to avoid my slices, but no all the bubbles. He's cutting through my very mouth

And then I say to him, "Sing, sing, sing, sing, sing, sing!" And as the pieces of cider are flying out, Mayo is on the ground grabbing with his fingers and trying to sip as much as he can. And just as I'm doing it, I believe I see it in the corner of my eye that, uh, that, uh, Francis begins to do it as well. As the- as the- Oh, shit!

No, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine, you'll reach the top! And I say, "Die, die, die, die, die, die, die!" You'll never reach the top! I say, "Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill!" And then I go like this and I say, "Hasta la vista, baby." And I go, "Shing!" And then, like a water suspended on a string in the air, trapped in time, all of a sudden, time starts moving again, and the water falls to the ground.

And you have bested the elemental. My bio cock is hard again. And then I go like this and I go... Roll a charisma check. And I go like this, boys, and I go... Oh my god. Nice. You are a one-eyed chef, me boy. As you do that, something catches your eye in the remains of the elemental as it's sinking into the earth, the liquid dissipating. You notice there's a scrap of what looks like an apron. Oh? What is that? A chef's apron.

Can I roll a perception check or whatever the fuck? Go ahead and roll investigation. Investigation. Or survival, up to you. If you want to go on. Seven plus... Seven plus two is a nine. With a nine, it feels familiar, but you're not able to discern how. Boys, I smell a mystery. And that's all I can smell. Up ahead of you, the path seems pretty clear through these trees to the tube, but there does appear to be...

Something between you and the tube lying on the ground. From here, it just looks like a sort of heap.

Sort of what? A heap. Like a heap of clothes. A heap. A heap. Look, a heap! Hey, that was pretty good though, right? We did that. Very good, very good! I feel like two-thirds of my life is gone. Oh, me too, me too. Speaking of which, um... Why don't we eat that shit that I made? Oh, the stuff we made together? Yeah, no, the shit I made, yeah, yeah. That we made as a team. Well, you...

Yes, of course we can make the stuff we made as a team. Let me open up this compartment in my knife that I've been holding this whole time. And... Now eat from it like a goat. Well, let's cook this. It's cooked. I did! I made it! Eat from it like a goat. When? When did you cook this? Like earlier. He's sitting with the fireball. You sit with my fireball. Is this the bread or the meat? I can't tell. Okay, stop worrying about it. Come here.

Alright. Actually bit me. Who was eating the wheat scraps? Everyone? Pretty sure I just did. And then... Very good. Okay, guys. Go ahead and take a short rest.

You can choose as many hit die as you want, those will replenish your HP, and at the end of it, roll another d8 and you heal that additional amount as well because of your wheat thins. So we click short rest. Click short rest, and then you'll be able to click how many hit dice you want to use. So basically what this does is, uh,

This uses your character's pool of dice to heal over, you know, you guys basically take 20, right? And for the day, that's how many hit dice you have. So it's up to you if you want to use more and be assured that you're up to full or you want to save some in case you get a chance to rest later. Okay, so we can use four total. You can use, uh, yeah, is that how many you have total? I see four checkmark. Yeah, so that's the max you could use? Yeah, I have four too. Yeah, you can use as many as you'd like. Four?

Everyone has four. Yeah. Okay. Everyone's got four. Yeah, so click however many you want to use. There's one. Yeah, go ahead and hit apply it should roll it for you actually. I'm rolling two man. I'm rolling one. I don't wanna get greedy here. Did it do it? Yeah, I got a nine. A six plus two equals eight. Nice, so you guys should have all that health restored.

I got seven in two rolls. Oof. Bitch boy. Here's the good news. Everyone, roll another d8. That's from the wheat things that you guys ate, the scraps you cooked, and you gain that back too. D8. Love to know what that one is. Oh, I found it. I think this is it.

Five! Let me go into the... One! Uh, three. Three. Good cooking, chef. And then so you go to your... Unfortunately, Mayo, your bio-tongue appears to be a little faulty. It's flapping around. You can't get it all in there, dude. You're rolling like shit. I'm so sorry. Are you maxed out? I got a scratch on me, but other than that, I'm good. I'm maxed out and you're not. Yeah, but I also have, like, literally, like, 20 health points. You don't look happy.

How's your health doing, Mayo? Terrible. I might die. Oh man. It's not looking good. Oh yeah, that's yikes. Who is that? Okay. That's... Oh, I generated a random image with... That's this website that's called This Person Does Not Exist.

Dude, you were so confused after seeing that for the first time in three years. Yeah, because I did it three fucking years ago. But then I remembered, oh yeah, that's who the fuck is this? That's funny. You guys finish up your brief respite. It is respite, right? It's not respite? Respite? I think it's respite. Respite. Respose.

- That's a different form of the word. - You respose and ruminate for a while. - Now that we have been resposed. - You've resposed. Now you're all feeling resposed, you start to make your way towards this great cylinder leading up and you see what this heap is.

It's a person, or what used to be one. You can see that it looks like they unfortunately were felled by the elemental you bested. - Oh. - A drunken heap. - Their skin is pale and clammy, and Butch, they are wearing a tattered apron.

What the hell? Coming closer, you recognize this type of apron. You can't really tell from here who this is. This type of apron is the same type that you used at your culinary school. Can I turn him over and look at his body? Of course. You turn him over. Go ahead and make me a history check. Shit. That's a four, I think.

A four? And I got plus zero on- on history. Damn. Butch, you're unable to recognize exactly who this is, and you will never be able to inform their families. You know that this was a classmate of yours? Yeah, ah, I know this guy, ah, ah, ah. Bad with names, boys, bad with names. But on this body are three potions. Oh? Uh oh.

Wow. The same exact ones I ordered off of Amazon. Oh, those look viscous. Oh, those look viscous. These are what you find. The potions are unidentifiable and unidentified. However you wish to split them amongst yourselves is fair. Red one, green one. Well, shit. And when you wish to use the potion in game, all you need to do is take one big uncork and take one big sip.

Okay. Not- are you using it? Okay! Oh my god. Okay. Francis, you immediately uncork

And used the potion! Francis, where the fuck did you do that? I thought it was a little bit of a, uh, slippery stuff. I think you have a pro- you're an alcoholic, Francis. Oh, you're just finding that out, my boy. Francis, which color potion was that? Green. R- Okay. Um, Francis, pick one stat to drop to one.

And one stat to raise to 30. Oh my god. I drop my Riz to 1. Your charisma? Well, it's at negative 1. No, it's at 8, though. Oh. And I'll take my... Wait. Wait, no! I drop my dexterity to 1, and I up my charisma to 30. Okay.

Totally different choice. Okay. Um, holy shit. Francis, describe what happens as you become the hottest, most clumsy person that has ever lived. Well, that's basically what's happening to me on Chuckle Sandwich.

Um, I'm gonna- I'm gonna change- as you describe this, I'm gonna change your stats, um, and then you can refresh, but- Describe what it feels like to become incredibly clumsy and then also the most hottest, most Riz-filled guy. Well, it's just like you see a girl at the pub and she's yours, no matter what. You know, a lot of times you gotta fight for 'em. Yeah, no, no, Francis, nobody relates to that but you, you're clearly- Oh, you know, but now you get every girl at the pub, it doesn't matter! They fight for ya. They fight- they fight on you.

Where is this? Have you got women fighting on top of you like you're a table? Oh, I've got lots of women everywhere, every night, different taverns. Oh, they're great. It's like the song The Wanderer. The Wanderer. Yeah. I like the cut of your jib, son.

But you feel butterflies when he does that? What the hell was that? And also Francis is- Francis is looking good. Like I don't know if there's a skincare thing going on or what, but you are glowing. Well I always look good, I always did. Francis, I like the cut of your jib as well. Oh it's a nice jib. Some might call it a flying jib. He's funny. He's so funny.

I don't remember you being that funny. Oh, I'm good. I'm good. We should have a drink sometime. I would love that. Alright, here you go. I can't say no. Okay, give it back now. Give it back. Oh, fuck. Holy shit. Alright. I think you two should find out what's in your little potions. No, I'm saving mine for later. Definitely not doing that. I'm about to finish this one because it turned out really good.

Alright. Okay. Um, you guys continue forward into the great tube. Uh, once again, walking inside, getting vacuumed up. Again, you are in this black, uh, void. This one looks actually smaller than last time. This glassy, uh, black room with these two tubes in front of you. Again, another intersection. And it also appears now as if there is...

Almost this, uh, like blue twinkling beneath the- the- the black glass. Almost as if you're getting closer to the source of whatever this thing's power is. Oh. Blue twinkling, rising to the sea. Which way would you guys like to go? And there's- what are our directions? What are the directions? Same as last time that you were in this room, there are two cylinders to take upwards. Alright, I'm rolling to see if there's a spider. Okay.

That's a one. That's a one. I don't think there's any spiders in here, Sonny. That's a- it's a one. That's a one. You rolled a one. To look for spiders. Damn it. Should I send the spider up? You want me to send a little spider up? I think that took us too long last time. Why don't we just fucking choose one? Okay, let's think about it. How about we just go- Right. Left worked badly last time. Let's go right!

I mean, let's go right! Wait, wait, but what if left's the good one this time? No. Let's go right. Let's go right. Okay. So we go right. You guys are going right? Yes. Okay, sick. Yeah, you brush the scorpion off that you found on your clothes as you continue forward. Ow! With a natural one. Um, okay. You guys move through the right tube. Hang on. Hang on.

Hang on. It's a little bright in here. It's like I just came above deck. It is like you just came above deck because Francis, Butch, and Mayo, as you all are flung out of this tube and it disappears behind you,

you see that you are on a beach. Oh, it's just like home. Off to the side, there is a great door, it looks like, with what appears to be a large scale in front of it with a golden fish symbol upon it. Outstretched before you in the other direction is a vast lake you cannot see the end of, along with a dock that runs down

20-40 feet out, um, and at the end of it is a small boat. What do you do? We get in the boat! We get in the boat! Are you with us? Yeah, but you- okay. Okay. Okay, alright. You guys go, you get in the boat, um, you start rowing off, or what do you do? We're rowing! We hang out for a second. You hang out for a second? Okay. Okay, while you're hanging out for a second, everyone go ahead and give me perception checks. Uh-oh.

Okay. Uh, that is a seven. That's a single digit. That's a seven. Alright, not great. That's a three. Not great either. That's an eight. Seven. I got a seven. Yeah, I mean this lake actually seems really, really nice. It seems like you could boat or swim in it. Oh, sick. You could do anything. Dude, let's set off. I'll use my little squirters.

Hell yeah! Ketchup flows from the boat. Fucking awesome. With a trail of like red behind you like it's oil from a motorboat, you guys, uh, you effectively become the motor. Um, and you guys start sailing out blissfully unaware. May I sing a sea shanty for you boys? No. No. Of course. Let's keep some morale up. Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooioioioioioioioioio

*singing* All hands hoist the colors high... It's beautiful! It's a natural! *singing* Eves and Feds... Just like my mother used to sing! *singing* Never shall we die... Hey, father! And as you say "never shall we die"... *laughing* No. A little too late. All of you notice a dark

big shape in the water heading towards you. - No, I'm allergic to irony! - And with those perception checks, you are not able to stop this massive biggest mouth bass as it crashes into your ship. Everyone go ahead and make me dexterity saving throws. - That's a 17 plus two, so I got a 19. - Nice. - That's a five.

17. 5 plus 1. Go ahead and refresh your page, Tucker, because you have one dexterity. We are waiting. It's a 5 minus 5. I got a 17. Is it 17? I got a 19. 19? Great. It's 0. 0. You both managed to hold on. Francis, you unfortunately take...

three bludgeoning damage and are flung off of the boat into the water. Where you see- Francis, no! Jesus, fish. Not a fish, it's okay. I wasn't thinking about that. You see what must be the biggest catch you have ever seen. This thing is gargantuan. Yeah, you do, because you fall into the water. You see it rush past you. A mouth so big, it could easily swallow you. And at this time, you two notice that there are rods on the boat. Fishing rods.

And you look back over to the shore, and the dots connect. The fish scale. The fish. What? You better catch this thing, boys! It's gonna eat me! Francis has got the right idea. Go ahead, everyone, roll initiative. We're fighting this big old fish in this pyramid. Everyone, yeah, yeah. So, it appears where you are right now, again, like you cannot see the end.

It is like a demi-plane. I think that we're all seven. Could you see that? Twelve. That's what I was- You got seventeen, you got thirteen, and then... You add your initiative, that's at the top of your profile. So I got a nineteen. But you got a nineteen? Nice. 'Cause I said seventeen just now, right? And that's what's nineteen. I got an eight. Twelve. Plus what? No, I did it all. Oh, you got negative five initiative? Francis has an eight. Eh, I don't like to get things done. What do you have? What do you have, Mal?

12. 12, gotcha. Okay. Um, here's how this is gonna work, alright? Uh, there is a huge, big bass swimming around. You guys have to catch, right? Yes. Uh, it's gotta get on that scale. Now, you guys are gonna make a series of skill checks. You can choose how you wish to approach them, what you'd like to try with the fish. You need five successes to succeed and catch this thing.

But with five failures, something very bad will happen. You're gonna kill me. Alright. Play to your strengths, play creatively, and good luck. Drink up, my boy! You want me to drink it? Butch throws back the blue... That doesn't taste very good. Oh, I liked it. ...potion. Okay. Butch, what's your favorite monkey? My favorite monkey? You better not say gibbon. Because that is not a monkey.

My favorite monkey. Favorite monkey or favorite ape. Favorite ape. Or favorite ape? Or favorite ape. Gorilla. Gorilla. Silverback. Butch, your muscles begin to bulge. Hair begins growing where even you had none. It's like Jumanji! And all of a sudden where Butch once was...

A great 10 foot tall mustached gorilla stands in his place. Ted, I am sending you the stat block for a giant ape. You are now a giant ape. You will stop being a giant ape when you run out of HP or an hour is over.

Okay, you're a giant fucking ape. You're a gorilla. You use all of its stats. That was your bonus action. You still have an action. What would you like to do? Uh, where do I find it? You gotta grab the rod, bro. I messaged it to you. You no longer are using your stats. You're using the stats of a giant ape. You gotta grab this rod and start reeling. You're strong, dude. You're strong. I'm not strong. I use magic, okay? This is you.

I mean, how close is this fish to me? Yeah, this fish is within, like, you could jump to it. I have rock. You have a- You do have- I have rock. You do have rock. Ranged weapon attack. Okay, so you're gonna try and attack the fish. I'm gonna throw a rock at it, I guess? Okay, sounds good to me. Um, you're gonna throw a rock at it. Go ahead and give me, I'm gonna say for the sake of this, give me an athletics check.

To see how well you can hurl this rock, how much you can disorient this fish, and open it up to a success. That is a 15- that's a 15. Take it from the giant 8, take everything from the giant 8. It has +9. Athletics +9, so 15. So I got a- I got a 24. 24 is fucking amazing. You produce a rock from... somewhere. I go, I go. Oh actually I go.

Come here, bring me your ear. I pulled out a rock behind his ear. Holy shit. Magic. What now? Fish.

And I throw the rock at the fish. Fuck yeah, dude. This rock slams into the water with such speed it doesn't even slow down, nails this fish in the side, you see a massive splash as it flies out of the water. That is one success towards your five. Up next is Francis. Francis, what are you doing? You're in the water swimming around right now. I'm in the water. I'm taking control of the fish. Can I do that?

Can I do that? Francis, with 30 charisma... I'm about to riz up this fish! I want you to describe how you riz up this fish. Give it your best shot. It is swimming right at ya. What do you do? I dodge it, but as it passes by, I stroke its pectoral fin. It's soft spot. It comes back around for another bite, I stroke its dorsal fin. It's warmed up now. It comes up. It comes up, I reach through, I grab its gills, I give him a rub.

Now I think it likes me. I think it does. Oh my god. It comes around and lets me hop on top. It leaps out of the water. I'm riding it! I'm riding it. We almost ride off into the sunset together. I almost forget about my shipmates. I think we got this, sucker. I think we got it! Francis, go ahead and roll me persuasion or performance. Your choice as this scene plays out in your head. Let's see what happens. Okay, here we go. Tell me what that is. Ugh.

Six. Oh shit. Oh. No good. Plus what? Plus what? Uh, persuasion or performance? Performance. Plus what? Sixteen. Sixteen total. Plus, right. You have a plus ten. With a sixteen, not to the degree that you wished you could do this. There's still a little connection though.

But, uh, you start to feel the connection. It rushes by you, you get one good graze off it, and you see as it swims by, it does... It looks back. It looks back. You can tell that she's a hard catch. She's a hard catch, but she could be yours. Oh, lucky me! She could be yours. I always wanted a ladyfish. Okay, let's see. Up next is Mayo.

Okay. Mayo, what are you doing? You guys have got this thing down, you're doing really really well right now. I have two choices. Would you guys like to kill this fish, or would you like to catch it? Catch it? You wanna catch it? I wanna bring it home to mom. Because I have a spell called Dissonant Whispers, which could cause great harm, but I also have Mage Hand, which can create a hand anywhere, and maybe I could catch him and toss him right onto the boat.

Right onto the boat. I'm gonna tell you right now. I think the max weight for Mage Hand is like five pounds How big is a fish? This one is so big. Oh. It's so big. Okay, I'm going to try to kill the fish. I'm gonna cast Dissonant Whispers. You cast Dissonant Whispers? Charlotte! Can you read for me what Dissonant Whispers does? You whisper a discordant melody that only a creature of your choice within range can hear, racking it with terrible pain.

The target must make a wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, it takes 3d6 psychic damage and must immediately use its reaction, if available, to move as far as its speed allows away from you. The creature doesn't move into obviously dangerous ground such as a fire or a pit.

Okay. On a successful save, the target takes half as much damage and doesn't have to move away. A deafened creature automatically succeeds on the save. I'm going to tell you right now, that might have just saved you guys some trouble and it might have made some... He rolled a six on the wisdom save. Go ahead and roll your psychic damage. You see this fish's eyes...

Francis, after you gave him this beautiful stroke across his pectoral fin... You like that? I love it. You see his eyes go a milky white and his jaw falls open and like bubbles come out. A little slack jaw never hurt. It doesn't look right.

And then what you can only assume is a scream comes out from the mouth and it begins to swim off in the opposite direction as it is like trying to thrash out of its own skin. Go ahead and roll me... So I'm rolling 3d6? 3d6 psychic damage, yeah yeah. Six. Six total? Uh, that was one of them. Oh...kay. Six. Oh-kay. One. Thirte- okay. Thirteen total damage.

Okay, this thing is clearly wounded. You even see some like blood comes out of... Do fish have ears? It? It comes out of it somewhere. Um, if you guys would like to pursue this option and kill the fish, it is absolutely an option. This thing swims away at top speed, but top of the round, you see on initiative 20, it's good you got it all the way away, because now when it turns around, the only one it can reach is you, Francis. And you're in the water. You're in the water.

So it's gonna try and swallow you. It starts swimming at you. Top speed, it's its turn right now. - Wait, so since it's not close to us, it skips me? - So basically, you guys were on the boat, it swam away, it was where Francis was in the water. You made it go all of its movement away, so it couldn't reach you on the way back. It could only reach Francis, which is good for you, bad for Francis. So, that's actually only a six to hit you. What's your AC? - Armor class? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Five.

Oh, because of your dexterity. Oh, my God. I got a spell here that I wouldn't mind. No, no, no. It's not your turn. You're getting hit right now, man. This is not good for you. I don't think I've ever seen a six hit anything. Oh, you chose dex. Francis. Don't tell me. You get swallowed. Don't tell me I'm into fish. But, I mean, dude, where does change happen?

Inside the- In the belly of the beast. From within. In the belly of the beast. From within. Yeah. But Francis, you are swallowed and forced down this fish's gullet, taking... Jesus Christ. What a sick hit. Um... You take seven bludgeoning damage and four acid damage. Good. He's not dead. I hate to tell you. Okay. Uh, and you are in the belly of the beast. The belly of the beast. Um...

Butch, you're up next. Can I reach the beast? This is the monkey speaking. You could absolutely reach the beast. I forgot that happened. You could maybe slice his belly open. Don't cut too deep, though. How far away is the beast? You could jump to him, but you'd be in the water. That's a problem. This is like a King Kong movie now. You guys are like the same size. He's maybe a little bigger. Oh, okay. Yeah. This is a gorilla capable of swimming.

Yeah. All right. Could Butch swim? Butch could swim. Gorilla can swim. All right. In that case, I'm going to run at the beast and use multi-attack. You fucking dive into the water. How do you... That's fucking awesome. Go ahead. Roll to hit. Both your attacks on this big fish. AC's not crazy. What's that? A nine plus. Is that strength?

Uh, plus your... you'll see it at your melee, your fist. You have +9 to hit. Oh, so... 18. Absolutely hits. And then... You get another one, right? 5 + 9, so... Also hits. 14, yeah. Go ahead, describe it to me, roll your damage as you pummel this fucking fish. Okay, so 3d10. Okay, first one. 8. Okay, 8, plus? 3. 3? Okay, 11, plus?

Six six okay 17 plus six is 23 Ted go ahead and roll three more d10 Okay, so two okay two plus yep three okay five plus yeah eight okay? six eight plus so five thirteen plus six nineteen you do a total of Jesus Christ 34 damage

Uh, as you pummel into this thing, it is on... Death's door. What does it look like as you take this thing within an inch of its life? I go like, "Can I... Can I rip him open and go like this to get Francis out?" Oh, get me out of this! So I wanna go *huff huff huff huff huff huff* Yeah, yeah. And then I'm like *grrrr* and I go *ffff*

And I'm like, and then out of like a slimy. Absolutely. I'm just going to roll something real quick. What's your rolling out of the bass's mouth does not come Francis. No. Out of the bass's mouth comes a wet slimy.

but wetter and slimier than you're used to, with blonde hair, slicked back, piercing blue eyes, a gold-adorned chef's apron, and a golden knife just like yours. Derek Sear. What?! Slides out onto the vessel. Up next. I start baring my teeth. He's still unconscious. Yep. Ah! Ah! Ah!

*Maeo laughs* Mayo, what do you do? This fish is on death's door, you just watched a weird wet slimy man come out of the bass's mouth, and you're- ONE WELL-TIMED KICK! *Maeo laughs* No, wait. Maybe not. Well, it would be pretty cool! But it does... zero... damage. Zero? Zero damage. Uuuum... Do I have anything sharp? Is a mace- oh, I have a dagger! *Maeo laughs*

I'm gonna tell you right now, this thing is very weak. Um, I mean, if the kick was well-placed enough. Don't tempt me. I will tell you, if you roll a natural 20. Wait, I have to roll a natural 20 for the kick to- Your kick does zero damage.

Fuck that man. I'm using I'm gonna use a mace I guess Okay, wait, why am I doing that? I don't know you're like a wizard. I'm gonna use a firebolt Go ahead roll it go ahead roll the hit 13 Plus six that's gonna hit go and roll your damage

That's a 10. That's zero. That's a 10. That's a 10? Congratulations. That's a 10. That's what you needed. Looks like I might be saved. Mayo. My fireball hits him and burns him. You're killing this guy. How do you want to describe it? How do you finish him? You finish him. That's it? It hits him. Flames engulf the entire beast. Beautiful. And his skin, his skin dissolves with the flames, unveiling everything within him.

And in there, you see Francis. Hello, my boy! I'm in the belly of the beast! It's Jamaican now? Yeah, easy, easy.

I don't know what accent I am. Just kidding, what'd you make? With that, you guys have bested the beast, and Francis, you have made the biggest catch of your life. You're my best friend now. No. And I don't know who you are.

You're a guy I met like two hours ago. I met you like two hours ago. Everybody likes Eddron. Wait, you're my best friend now. No. No, I'm a condiment machine. You're more than that. You're beautiful. He's raising you up. He's got 30 ribs. You're heroic. You're stunning. You're more than a machine. You're beautiful. What happens? What happens?

What happens? We beat him. Right? Oh, you're asking what happens right now? We beat the bass! Yeah, well you got a giant ape holding the fish in the water, you guys are on a boat- Fish bones? Fish- Oh no, like the fish is, uh, cooked, right? The skin's gone. You still have the weight of it. You take a bite out of it? I think we should all take a little bite. We should fry it! He got- I cooked him! Yet again! Once again, I have cooked the food already! Just relax, have a drink.

Oh my god. Okay, well I'm gonna eat the fish. You're gonna start eating the fish? Okay. Alright, yeah, you take some bites out of the fish. It's good. There's far too much- When do I become myself again? Um... Not yet. Okay. You take bites out of the fish. You're still a giant ape. You're still a giant ape. Um...

You guys do, uh, it does catch your eye. The giant door at the shore glimmers, and the sort of scale plate in front of it, with that fish emblem on it, shimmers in your vision, sort of catching your eye, like a refracting mirror to a plane. Yeah. Looks like a piece of gold! We're about to be rich! I turn over to Derek Sear with my monkey arms bursting out of my tiny little apron on my ape body.

I know it's him. Still unconscious. Still unconscious. What do you do? Now hold on! Before you do anything drastic, I know he was homophobic. But that was a lot of years ago. The world is a different place now. He could even be gay. He could have been closeted the whole time. That's what a lot of homophobes are. How do I become not a gorilla anymore? That's true. The 90s were a different time.

You can't get AIDS from sitting in a toilet seat. Not anymore. Not anymore. Do you wanna- I'll say if you- if you want to, uh, dispel it, you can wait it out, but it won't- it won't come back. You just have to wait for a little bit. Okay. Yeah. Shall we get back to sh- I mean- Before you kill him, before you do anything drastic, why don't you let me detect his thoughts? Then we can find out if he's homophobic still. I- can I speak?

As the gorilla? As a giant ape? No. I'm gonna say yeah, because it's funnier. If you can, yeah. Can I propose a middle ground?

Me want go back shore with friend. Easy there, big ape. Fish boy, come. I pick him up by the head. And I put him in my ape pocket. I've decided now that the clothing has gotten bigger with me. Yeah, I love it. You're in my pocket now. I grab you. You're in my... Can I put... What? What are we doing? I don't know. Where's Derek Sear? What are we doing with Derek Sear? I'm putting him in my pocket.

Okay, alright great. Okay.

I thought we ate it. You are a giant- you started eating- this thing is far too big to eat in one sitting. It is a massive fish. So I dropped the fish- It's like the size of a goliath grouper, it's huge. I dropped the fish- HOO! On the- on the shore, and then I- I put Tucker- Yeah. Put, uh, Francis- My name is Francis! And I put- eh? And then I pick up little- Francis the fraud. Seer. And I put him there. Yeah. And hopefully that took a half an hour! *laughs*

Yeah, swimming to shore with all of those people in your aprons just drowning. I imagine them just walking. It took a while. Yeah, no, I mean you could walk at a certain point, but it was like that weird like tiptoe walk where like the bottom of the bottom of the kind of pool is just a little too far away. Might as well just swim at that point. But by the time you get back to the shore, the potion does wear off. You feel yourself shrinking back into your regular butch. Welcome back, butch. Guys, that fucking sucked.

I was in pain the whole time and none of you helped me.

You didn't- You realize that was like a drop, right? You seemed quite happy. That was like- No, no, my skin felt like it was- You were hard. You were hard. I saw it. No, that's impressive. All my blood was pumping all at the same moment at the highest level. Do you understand what that feels like? Yes. It feels like my blood is boiling. It feels like I want to fuck something, doesn't it? Well, Gorillaz got that very small package. What the fuck was that? Don't drink that, dude.

Detect thoughts. You're detecting the thoughts of Derek Sear, right? Yes. Oh, I remember, it's Derek Sear, I hear you. What is the save? For the duration, you can read the thoughts of certain creatures. If the creature you choose has an intelligence of three or lower, doesn't speak any language, it's unaffected. You initially learn the surface thoughts of the creature, what is most on its mind at the moment. As an action, you can either shift your attention to another creature's thoughts or attempt to probe deeper into the same creature's mind.

If you probe deeper, the target must make a wisdom-saving throw. If it fails, you gain insight into its reasoning, its emotional state, and something that looms large in its mind, such as something it worries over, loves, or hates. You are going to get the surface thoughts first. Okay. The surface thoughts, you kind of get a...

painted in your mind in almost this watercolor style as you're, it feels like you're combing through his thoughts and his memories. You see Derek Sear with two other, what looks like sort of in Butch's attire, chef adventurers,

You see them casting a spell that allows them to fly up and reach this pyramid. You see them going through the same challenges that you guys did, and you see them failing at the bass, him getting swallowed as the other two had fallen in the rooms before. Those are like the surface level thoughts. I just cut Charlie's ear off. Not Charlie. That's Charlie. I mean, I just cut Francis's ear off. What? He did, but I've had enough in me that it doesn't feel too bad.

While you're reading these thoughts, Francis's ear gets cut off. Why? Why? Wait, what? I'm all right. I'm all right. My blood's feeling a little thin. I'll be okay. I'm like mentally unstable these days. You know, I just, I did it. I think if there's anyone's thoughts, you should read it to this guy. Every good sailor experience is a little bit of madness out there. You know? Pull it off.

Eat it? Okay, alright. I put it in my pocket. In your pocket! You pocket his ear. We're gonna focus on Mayo for a second. Mayo, that's the service. I'm gonna dig deeper. You're gonna dig deeper? Okay, I'm gonna say he's gonna roll with disadvantage here because he's unconscious. Okay, that fails. And that fails. Alright. You probe deeper into... What is this? What does he love or hate? Or cares about. Or cares about. Right. Right. Okay. This is solely to see if he's still homophobic. Right. Of course. Um, you see...

a vision of deep, juicy, marbled steak. Uh-huh. And you see vision of big, muscly, sweaty cows. Okay. And you see a vision of veiny, throbbing cuts of venison, and deeper,

Deeper behind all of that as you make this way through this minescape. There is a closet What do you do come out of it? You're on the you're on the other side of the closet you're right you what do you open the door? You open the door and Derek's here snaps awake. No, man. Oh

You were gay the whole time! And you were stuck in the closet so you behaved like a homophobe! That's why you said that to me after you tricked me into eating my mom! Damn, that's right! How did you know? And I know this is a lot to say to you the moment you wake up from being inside a fish, but honestly, you are still an asshole.

Derek and Because you're an asshole Derek. I'm gonna cast infestation I just want to give him a cloud of mites fleas and other parasites Wow, wait, who is this?

Oh shit, no way! Boroff! It's Boroff! How are you? What's up, dude? Boroff! Wait, come into frame. A hero returns! This is the last episode, Boroff. We gotta come into frame for this. Oh, this is amazing. Wow. Everyone welcome Boroff! Sit up. Sit up. Hey, it's so good to see you, man. Oh my god. Oh my god, it's Boroff. Good to see you. Hello, Boroff. Hi, Tucker. Nice to meet you. Wow. Oh my god. Oh my goodness.

It's great to see you guys, how you doing? Good, good. We're doing the last episode ever. Yeah, I heard, unfortunately. Yeah. I'm super happy. Okay. We're chilling over there. Yeah. All right. Oh, dude, it's got to be good from here now. Laura's here. Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh, the pressure's on. Oh, the pressure's on now. What is that one doing? As you cast infestation. No, no, no, no, no. Reverse that. Control Z. I need to invest. Infest. Bugs or no bugs. Bugs or no bugs. Wow, you're

We need to talk to him first! Now mites, fleas, and other parasites! What the fuck, man? You cast infestation- I understood why Derek was a homophobe! Infestation on- He was just gay, man! He was projecting! As charismatic as you are, I'm very. Francis, you realize that upon realizing that Derek was gay,

What you just did could be construed as a hate crime. No, no, no! You can't be doing that! You're the homophobic one! You're homophobic! You're talking with bugs! Don't put that on me! I'm gonna stay away from this, Francis. This is no longer my issue. Like, you know, I had my problems. Is this one with you guys? He's not cool! He's not cool! No, I'm very cool. Well, you're still not cool, Francis. I mean, you fucking- I mean, that was really not cool. Hard to tell who's who anymore, that's all I'm saying. You still made me eat my own mom.

Yeah, that was not cool. It is what it is. That doesn't take away from the potentially hate crime nature. All right, here's the deal. I learned infestation and I really wanted to use it before we finish this quest.

So you're just gonna sling it at anyone? I'm just gonna sling it at somebody. What is the save, by the way, for infestation? You can cause a cloud of mites, fleas, and other parasites to appear momentarily on one creature you can see within range. The target must succeed on a constitution saving throw or it takes 1d6 poison damage and moves 5 feet in a random direction if it can move and its speed is at least 5 feet.

Roll a d4 for the direction. One north, two south, three east, four west. This moving direction doesn't provoke opportunity attacks. And if the direction rolled is blocked, the target doesn't move. Just roll a d6. Yes, sir. He failed. Three. Okay. Derek takes three poison damage. He looks not good. Oh!

"Ahh, I gotta get away! South!" Runs five feet to the south and falls to the ground. You know, this didn't feel as good as I thought it would. Yeah, I imagine, dude, it was a hate crime. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm drunk. The bottle's almost empty and I'm running out of steam. I thought I'd just infest somebody. With hate? With hatred. Well, no, he infested him with fleas. And mites and other parasites.

It's true, but I was infested with hatred. Hatred once too, Butch. He was too. But now I'm better! And I could be better too. Why are you here, Derek? Yeah, Derek. What the fuck? I... My family's estate and restaurant are three Michelin stars. They were draining one by one. Our meat, our legumes, our veggies, everything was getting worse.

Until my- Yeah, maybe it started with feeding people to people. I don't see how that fits in. Oh! *laughs* That's very dense. Thanks, Francis. It was dense! Dense and tough. I'm suspicious. And tough. But my family spies. Big family. Lots of money, lots of spies. Yeah, I know, they're landlords, it's- Oh yes, oh yes. Anyway, we forced the tenants to spy for us or else we would evict them. And what they found... was a great... pyramid.

Okay... Go on. One we lost in the fields, another to some... elemental creature. I was a little crunked up at the time, I don't remember. And then... I remember trying to overcome this last challenge before the bass swallowed me whole.

Like you did with your mother when I fed her to you. But we're past that! We're past it now! We're past it now! We're past it! He's got info! We're past it! Because even with two of my best, the three of us couldn't reach the top! You three stand no chance! Without me helping you, I've had plenty of time to think inside that bass about what I did, how wrong it was, how much money do I need to pay you?

For you to believe me. Two and a half million dollars. Done. Wait. That was easier than I thought. Come here, boys, sidebar. If we brought him, we could use him, we could throw him at whatever's at the top. That's true. And then convince him that killing Derek is a hate crime. I need you boys to understand that when I went to the meat seers, they told me

that the only way that I'm gonna be able to taste things normally again is if I kill specifically Derek and eat him. - Well, it's not, obviously it's not Derek because Derek is trying the same things we were. He had the same motivations. - No, no, no, no. Completely separate from the thing in the sky. Like after he fed me my own mom, I just can't taste like anything good anymore. - You're being selfish. You're being selfish. - That's the guy that killed my mom. - He's gay.

You're gonna kill a gay guy? A gay guy could never kill your mother. What does that mean? Yeah, what- I'm not sure, that might have been a rum-speaking- Francis, you gotta stop involving yourself like this. Honestly, even I'm unclear on what that means. I'm not gonna kill a gay guy. That would be- You think that gay people are incapable of killing? I thought they were nice. So, you think that gay people are incapable of killing someone? I just thought they were nice people. That almost roundabout makes it homophobic. I'm very sorry.

I should never have said that. Why did we bring- This guy is a problem, man. And we bring him to the top. And we can figure out what to do with him after that. I just think killing me now sets a really weird precedent given everything that Francis has said. Okay, here's what I'll say. I'd be down to take him to the top, but only if I get to cut one of his Achilles and eat it. Oh, that's terrible. You're gonna eat another man?

Isn't that a little... Am I? I just feel like the wires are getting crossed. Isn't that a little gay? Isn't that a little gay? Dude, Derek goes for a high five with you, Mayo. Oh, very gay. All right. Okay.

Okay, I'm do you butch I get it so you see we can take him with us But I need a taste of his ankle. I need some of his a gillis. You do whatever you let me do that all right? I'm rolling for attack Go ahead roll to attack Seven plus six or wait yeah six set twelve thirteen thirteen oh

13 is just a little shy as you take this sweep and just barely miss. Ah, still can't keep up, can you, Butch? That's funny your name Butch. Never mind. Heroic inspiration. Heroic inspiration. Isn't that a little gay? Heroic inspiration. Okay, you go ahead and re-roll the die.

Two! Fuck! Very gay. You're a joke, Butch. Your name and your- your swings are gay. You might as well ask Derek out on a date. Okay, that's it. You might as well. I'm actually entering into battle with him right now. I'm going to kill Derek. I'm vending this conversation, I'm killing this guy. He's becoming more of a problem. This is not a good idea. It is. This is a terrible idea. I want him dead! I'm almost dead, Butch.

I'm almost dead. I'm almost dead. I was your one shot, Butch. Are you sure about this? He pretty much- He loves men! I'm killing Derek. Why would he betray three men? Why would he betray three men? I don't care. Maybe I'm homophobic. Who cares? I'm killing Derek. Oh, I've been looking forward to wrestling you! One piece of advice. What was that? What? I'm killing Derek. Okay, go ahead and roll initiative. 11 plus 13. That is a 14 total.

Dude. I was really curious what you guys would do with Derek. The options were open. We infested him. You did infest him. Okay, hang on. He's got it. Be careful, butch.

He has mites, fleas, and other parasites. Oh, you guys are in my party. You're in this too. I'm not helping you with this. Are they allowed to stay out of it? You are going- This is a 1v1. Oh, they're allowed to stay out of it. This is 1v1 rust. He's got no reason- Invention. Throwing knife. Commando. Off. Mayo. Mayo. Mayo. I get it, dude. No stadium on this. I get it, man.

And Connraite's pants is terrible. Minuscule health! Connraite's pants is horrible! I don't know what that is! I was not in it that day! Mayo? I get it, you've got your qualms, but this is my guy. Good! This is my journey. I'm gonna- Oh yeah, that's your guy! Interesting you say it like that! Because, if I'm not mistaken, I feel like you're just trying to make something- That's a little bit- Derek, I'm gonna kill you right now. Like, this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna kill another man? That's it, bridge! Okay, what'd you get for initiative?

I got a 13. Okay. Wait. Can I cast a spell to help out here? You want to join me again? No, no. You have to roll initiative if you want to be a part of this now. Roll initiative then. Is that a d20? Yes. Plus your initiative. That's a six. Plus your initiative is not good, is it?

It's a one. He got a one total. I got a one. Can I please? Can I please cast a spell? We'll get to you. It's purely atmospheric. It's purely atmospheric, I promise. Is it actually just like for vibes? Yeah. Okay, what is it? It's drizzle. I just wanted a little stormy sky. Okay. Just for the atmosphere. Derek! Why'd you get wet while you were screaming my name, dude? Isn't that a little...

Gay? I'm going to kill Derek. This guy gets me. Um, up first is Derek. He rolled one more than you. Dammit. Um, Derek draws his golden cleavers. Like yours. What the- But more ornate. 'Cause he's rich! Mm-hmm. Oh, you like these? These are only hand-me-downs. You fuckin' prick. Aha! He jumps towards you. Um, he's gonna make

Oh my god, Derek is not looking hot, but he's not bad at this either. First is a 21 to hit, second is a 15 to hit. Oh, my armor class is 14. Okay, those both hit. The first one is going to do six slashing damage. The second one is going to do four slashing damage for a total of ten.

Alright, Der- AH! AH! AH! AH! Fuck you, Derek! Fuck you, butch! I'll kill you right now! I'll kill you first! And you'll deserve it! And then, you know what? I'll- I bet me and your friends will be my friends instead and we'll sit down and we'll eat you. Alright, that's it. Rage! Okay. You rage as a bonus action? What are you doing with your action? Wow, this drizzle is atmospheric. I'm gonna- I'm gonna- 'Cause many of you may not know, these have- these- I got, uh...

Chains that come out of the bottom of these because I have got flail as well. Okay, so it goes and I go I go throw it at him sick That is a 13

Uh, plus six, so that's a 19. 19 is absolutely gonna do it. And then I do a 1d8. Okay. Which is... He's looking weak. This? No. I always knew it would end like this. You, me, on the beach, all wet from the drizzle. That does seven damage. Going at it- Ah!

UGH! He's- *cough* UGH! Uh, you do a nice chunk. You nail that Achilles tendon you were going for with that chain sweep. I just wanted to make sure you knew how much that hurt me, butch. Oh, I was going to hurt you. Like, that was the intention. I hate you. Well, I never meant to hurt- You killed my mom. I never meant to hurt you.

What? That's a crazy thing to say. You killed my mom and served her to me in front of our whole class.

Are you like so- does being rich make you socially unaware of why that would bother me? That was like high school for me, man. You're bringing up like high school drama now. Yeah, butch, this is like bringing up an old tweet. We were 17, you didn't learn morals? What are you gonna cancel me for that? No, I'm gonna kill you! He just lunges at you with his two golden cleavers again. First- he's rolling really good. First one is a 23 to hit.

Second one is a 19 to hit. Yeah, I mean those both hit. God. The first attack... Fuck, dude. ...is going to do seven damage. The second attack is going to do three damage for another total of ten. Yeah, Derek, I don't care. You're raging, right? You're raging? Yeah, I'm raging. You only take half of that. You only take five. Oh, okay.

I see your meat's gotten tougher! Derek, I'm going to kill you. Like, I don't know if you understand the gravity of the situation right now. You can keep hitting me, but I am going to murder you. That sounds homophobic. It does. Your people are turning against you, Butch, and when I and them walk out of here- Their help has been dubious this whole time, let's be honest here. I'm gonna tell everyone about how you ate your mom's food. Dubious!

Oh! Dubious! You're an ass, you're drunk. I attack again. Trouble in paradise. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I just imagine it's like we're just slashing and they're both like sitting on the beach like just being like just comments and I'm like guys, fuck you, you're drunk. Okay. Go ahead. Take another attack. Take another attack. I'm gonna do, wait, so let me just look at my actions real quick. Yeah.

He's looking really bloodied up. You can tell when he came out already pretty. Oh, he's looking really bloody or dare in that in that case I'm doing that such a bit. I'm doing it He's infested. I'm doing I'm doing a hand attack. Okay, and I want to attack go ahead and roll the hit all right here I go that is a 19 nice plus six not as a 25 Go ahead roll damage

That's a 2 plus 4, so 6? 6 damage. Yeah. Okay, he's looking really, really rough. How much health does he have?! He's looking really, really rough, but he's not down yet. Do you still have your bonus action to attack? Oh wait, I also am in rage. You didn't rage on this turn, you raged last turn, I believe. You have your two-handed option, so if you want to use your second cleaver and try and strike, you can. Oh. You're using your second hand, yeah. Okay, yeah. Okay, go ahead and roll the attack. Don't add your strength this time.

18. With an 18, which beats even if he parried, go ahead and roll your damage. He has, I'll just tell you, let's roll this in the lunchbox, pull it up. He has 5 HP left. He has 5 HP left? He has 5 HP. Lunchbox of Doom, a bit which I have shamelessly repurposed from Dimension 20. Here I go. Here we go. Five or more and you're good. Five. A five? It's like five total.

Five total. Yeah. That is exactly what you needed. Yeeees. He says, "Yeeees." Yeeees. Yeeees. I thought we could work together, butch! I was always just jealous of your meats! Yeah, and I take the fucking lunchbox that was- Oh, this isn't physically there. I don't know why. Actually, yeah! I take the lunchbox, I put his face in it!

How- how do you do it? Yep. Okay. Basically, you know how like the way that like all the tendons connect the neck to the rest of the body and the head? Jesus Christ. Right? Like, is there a rock around me? Surely. Yeah, you're on a beach, there's a rock. Okay, I grab him by the hair. Oh my god. And I say, "Come here, little Richie bitch." And I fucking burn him on the rock. And I take this cleaver. And I go *chewing noises*

You see his neck separate from his body. You cut- You see me cutting through bone. This is a cleaver. You cut Derek- Cutting through bone. Derek Sears head off. Well, Derek is- He's alive. He's still alive. He's just- He's screaming about how he was jealous of you, about how you guys could have made it to the top together, about how there was another way. Yeah, no, but like he killed my mom. But he did kill your mom and feed her to you. Yeah, no, no. He killed my mom and made me eat her. So you cut his head off.

He is so- I don't feel bad. No, and that is so fair. As you cut his head off, literally just like gold spills out of his pockets. Like, just like his body falls to the ground, money just spills. Yeah, and as I'm picking those up, put them in my pockets, eat the rich, I say, and then I- I could have made you both billionaire! And then I slice open his stomach, and I grab his intestines, and I start chewing on them. Oh my-

God. Maybe something happens because of the meat seers. I don't know. I mean, that's what they told me, but like, I don't know. Go ahead and give me a wisdom saving throw. Wisdom saving throw. That's a natural one. That's a natural one. Butch. I always roll a natural one at like the time where there's like a story changing moment. Butch with a natural one.

You realize that maybe what the meat sayers meant was more metaphorical. Huh? And that maybe... What's that mean? It means that as you're biting into this, you don't feel like you've discovered the true... No, no, metaphorical. I don't know what that word is. Like, it didn't literally mean to eat him somehow.

What do you mean, voice inside my head? Unfortunately, with a natural one, Butch, as you're eating him, you still feel that hole inside you. That fire is gone, but it's replaced with a longing. Not for fucking Derek. Not for Derek, but for meaning. For what actually you need to find. Because as you're chewing down, it doesn't give you the satisfaction you wanted.

Maybe it gives you purpose, but it isn't what you had hoped it would be. I told you you shouldn't have done it. His meat tastes funny. You ate another man's- Think about this. Think about this. You are currently eating another man's meat. You're gonna be fucked up, Larry. You're gonna get the visions. And he's gone. Not the good ones. But I have to say-

That's gonna be hard to keep down. What I had to say though is so satisfying to cut his head off. Sooo satisfying. I mean, did you see that? I can't believe that. Yeah. A little bit of pain goes a long way. Yup. No, he's dead now though. Oh yeah. He's fucking dead. His last words spent on saying that's a little gay, that you were eating him. Yeah, sorry. Sorry that you guys had to see that, but he was totally a homophobe, whether or not he was in the closet. Homophobes deserve a lot worse than that.

Yeah? Oh, yeah. Like, I cut his head off and ate his intestines. Well, we used to keelhaul him on the ships, but, you know. Keelhaul? You want to explain that one? Well, you drag him under the ship and they get ripped up by the barnacles. That's brutal stuff. They might drown. You never heard of this?

Landlubber. We should move on. Yeah, we should probably keep moving. You guys see, uh, besides Derek's beheaded corpse, and your revenge quest now ended in maybe a different note than you had expected, um, you still have a massive fish, and you still have the scale. Oh! We can weigh things.

Yeah! How much do you weigh? I say we get over to that- what? How much do you weigh? Uh, like 230 pounds. Have a try the, uh, imper- in the metric system. For the imperialist? You'd- you would- you would not survive on a ship, my boy.

So, while Francis is monologuing, Mayo, would you like to get that fish on the scale with me? What? The fish. What about it? There's a scale?

It has a picture of a fish on it. Would you like to drag the giant? Yeah, yeah, okay, okay, let's do it. We're dragging the fish- you drag the fish over onto the scale? Yep. As soon as you do, you hear it clunk all the way down and the door swoosh swings open with a great whoosh and creak revealing yet another tube that you didn't see on the other side of the door before but now exists leading all the way up past this layer. Again, that black now with those blue sparkles within it. New tube.

That's another one. Noob tube. Noob tube. Noob tube. Noob tube. Back when I broke my thumb. I started noob tubing. One man army. One man army. It's an addiction. So that's the only thing that's there is the... There's the tube to go up. Tube to go up. Butch ate another man's meat.

Well, I guess all there is to do, boys, is to head up the tube. Let's go. Very good. Let's do it. We do it. You guys shoot on up the tube, and as you do, you feel a rejuvenating, um, energy wash over you, and a deep, unsettling realization that even though you start to feel better, you may be reaching the top of this pyramid. Uh-oh.

Go ahead everyone. Take a long rest. You haven't sounded like that. Okay. Long rest. Long rest. This is it, I'm using the rest of my- Oh, with a long rest you should just get everything back. Oh. Long rest. Great! You guys, uh, come out into- Come! It's kind of gay, dude. Echoes in your mind. Psychically. In your implants.

You guys come out into the final layer of the pyramid. It is... This one is enclosed. This one looks smaller. Rivers of oil run on either side, and you can see, like, sweets and candies and chocolates all around. And in front of you...

There are two great archways, and as well, two great guardians. Both of them stand at about 12 feet tall, this crystalline sort of exterior, both of them translucent, one bright blue, one bright red. You've reached the final layer of the food pyramid.

*snort* We'll hit. *laughs* Wait a second. *laughs* It was always food. It was the food pyramid! The bottom was wheat! I thought it was the Bass Pro Shop pyramid! Oh, I love Bass Pro Shops. Curse you, Michelle Obama! Damn it, Michelle Obama! The 1970s food pyramid, which wants you to eat 70% grains. A better time. 70% grains. It's fucking crazy. A better time.

The carbs were flowing. The carbs were flowing. Um, that is what you guys see in front of you. The two giant guardians. Two giant guardians, two great archways. Blue is the ocean. I always vote red. Up and down the ballot. At least he's honest. Uh, so there's two guardians. We could choose which guardian we go to? Uh, they're both standing side by side. Doors are right there too. You can talk to both of them basically as you- Oh, these are guys. Oh, they're like big guys, yeah. Well, no, the blue one's a girl.

No. You guys, you guys make your way up to the guardians. You see as they cross pikes in front of the two doors and say in unison.

One of us is sweet, and one of us is sour. You could not best us with all of your power. The sweet one tells only truths, the sour only lies. You have but one question. Good fucking luck, guys. Oh, wait, I know the answer to this one. And they uncross the pikes. What do you mean you know the answer to this one? There's a great red guardian and a great blue guardian. No, one only tells truth, one only tells lies.

So, it's like something along the lines of- I mean, it's something along the lines of, uh, uh... Are you about to ask it? Does this count? No, no, I've been sard by it. It's a sidebar. Okay. It's like something where you ask- you ask it. Will you tell me the truth? Oh, oh yeah. Will- will you lie to me? No, no, will your- will the other one lie to me? What? Right? Will the other one lie to me? Will we be lied to?

- Well, one of them will lie. We know one of them will lie and one of them will tell the truth. - But if they say, "Yes, we will lie to you," then it would be true, so they'd be telling the truth. - Wait, wait, repeat that. - Okay, so one always tells the truth. One always tells lies. - Right. - If we ask either of them, "Will you lie to us?" - Okay, so-- - If the boy, if, "Will we be lied to?" we ask. If the one who only tells the truth says, "No,"

Then that would not be the truth. So he'd short circuit. And then the other one who would say no or yes, I mean, it'd be a lie either way. Well, if you ask the truthful one, if you lie to us, he'll say no. No. Will we be lied to? The red one pipes up and says, I'm not confused by this at all. Oh, the red one, eh? I think my old boy needs to drink his red potion. Why don't you ask the question? Take a swig of this and then let's get a little insight from that.

Are you sure? That smells like shit. Just throw it back. What the fuck was that? Oh, is that garlic? That is thick water mixed with sriracha. Oh, yikes, me boy, yikes. You drink the potion of flame imbuement.

You feel your, um, inner mechanisms start to heat up and lubricate to a degree they've never been before. The furnace inside you gets hotter and hotter. And now every attack and spell you do that does damage does another 2d6 fire damage. Oh, shit. Damn. That's big. Now, ask the question you wanted to ask. Okay, we ask. Okay, well, hold on. Let's get this straight. And which one do you ask? The red one or the blue one?

We should, okay, so if we ask the one that tells the truth, will we, will... No, no, but... And if you and...

Wait, but is there two paths? There's two paths and there's two guards. Yeah, but if we ask "Will we be lied to?" we can ask one question. We're just gonna figure out which one is which, but then we don't know which path to take. Oh, we don't know which one tells truths and lies? Yeah. Yeah. Do you want the rhyme again? So we need to- Yes! Okay. What if they cross it again? One of us is sweet and one of us is sour.

You could not best us with all your power. The sweet one tells only truths, the sour only lies. You have but one question. Good fucking luck, guy. So we need one question that will work on both of them. Yeah, so like, think about this for a second. So if we ask, will you lie to us? The person who will say the truth will say no. Oh, so that won't work on him. Nothing to say. Because we need a path out of it, too. So we say, uh...

We could say- Wait! I have an idea. What if we have an action that we decide? What? And we say, "Will I do this to you?" And you already know. No, but we need to know the path, guys! We need to know the path! So we'll ask you- This is on you, I've drank a little too much. I've also drank a little much. So how about both of you shut up for a second and let me work this out. As you say that, as you tell both of them to shut up and get a little more heated, the red one smiles. And you're wearing red. *laughs*

I don't know how that doesn't give me any information right now. Okay. Okay. Only a liar would smile. I need you to quiet down for a second. As you say that again, the red one smiles. The only liar would smile. Is that what that seems like a way to trick someone though? Why would I trick you? Because we're on the same boat. As you say that, the blue one smiles. Damn it. What'd you say? He said, why would I trick you? We're on the same boat. The blue one smiles.

Okay, now this is making things more confusing for me. He's the enemy. I just need to work it out in my head for ten seconds without you saying something, Francis, I swear to fuck. As you say that, the red one smiles.

You're wearing red! What did I just say? The red one smiles even wider as you guys are doing this. Swig this, it'll help you. No! It's red! As you say that, the blue one smiles. Damn it. We're getting nowhere fast. So if I were to say to maybe one of them, I would say, is the, like, what would your other friend tell me to do?

What? Which path would your- would your friend tell me to do? No, I don't like that. I shouldn't have put this here. We've got quite the roadblock. Roll for attack? No! We get a question, bro! Let's at least try the question! Okay! I'll roll for attack. As you shout out at him, the red one smiles. I don't know what that means! Let's all roll for attack. No!

The red one clearly likes it when we argue. As you say that, the red one smiles. If we kill both of them. Stop. I love you all. The blue one smiles. That's so sweet. Okay, we ask the blue one which path is right. Okay. You ask the blue one which path is right? No. What? You don't. Okay, the blue one likes when we like each other.

So the blue one is the sweet one. The blue one is the sweet one. We've determined that. Does the sweet one- do we know the sweet one only tells truths? They said the sweet one only tells truths, the sour only lies. But the sour only lies if we- if we say something nice and the sour one hears that it's gonna smile because it's lying about its feelings. But the blue one is smiling when we say we love each other. That would- that's sweet.

This is another layer of riddle that has been entered on top of the original riddle. I might kill myself! As you say that, the red one smiles. What do you do? You wanna ask the blue one? I cast Drizzle. He starts drizzling. I think the red one smiles as you all get a little damp. The red one's honest.

I would smile too if others were damp. I think we asked the blue one. We asked the blue one if we asked the red one which one would be the safe one. What?! Okay, final answer? Is this the final answer? Can you repeat the final answer? You asked the blue one which one the red one would say if they were asked what the safe one is, right? Yes. And the blue one says the red one would say the left path. Who's on the left?!

I think it's blue. Well, that means that both scenarios, if it lies... So we asked a blue one. So we... And... And... That was your question. And then...

I asked the blue one, if we asked the red one what the safe one is, what would the red one say? And the blue one said the red one would say the left path. The red one would say the left path if it was lying about what the truth would be, or in the other scenario, it would say the left one if it was truthful in what that one would say.

Which path do you take? The f- I don't know, the f- the f- Right one, right path, right path. Okay. Always the right path. I don't know. Dude, you guys walk down the right- are you sure you walk down the right- No, I'm- No, let's take the fucking left path. Okay. Why?! Why?! You wanna take the left path? You think the left wins?

Buddy, it's October. Yeah, 'cause one of them's a double negative and one of them's just normal. Okay, I need verification. Which path? Right or left? The left! Right! No. No. Right! No. Right! I'm the least strong. Tucker, you picked it! It's October 10th and I genuinely believe the left is gonna win. I do. So you're all going down the left path. Yes. Yes. Fine. You walk down the left path and the red one smiles.

Okay. The red ones are smiling all night! And the path- the path closes behind you, and again you are in this black, crystalline structure between these layers, and all of a sudden those stars start getting wider and bigger and lighter, because you were right the first time, and it was the right path. Oh.

And you all get shot by lasers. Damn it. Go ahead everyone, make me a dexterity saving throw. Dude, Ted, you were right! You were right! You had the right idea! Like, you did the right thing, um, you asked the right question- We got you the right answer! You got it? You changed it right before we fucking did it! You changed it, and you walked down the wrong path. Okay. You fool.

Okay, listen. I got a little confused and I've got two drunk people yelling at me the whole time. What do you mean you got confused, bro? He's not drunk. Go ahead, go ahead everyone make a dexterity saving throw. He's had a very small amount of liquor. If you could have explained to me the logic behind it. Make it with disadvantage, make it with disadvantage because you're in the darkness. So we do two? Yeah, take the little one. I got a ten, seventeen, seventeen. How many rolls? Two? Two rolls. I got a ten. I got a three. Okay.

Hold on. Uh, a 16. Okay. Dexterity plus 3, so I rolled two 20s. Okay, that's fucking amazing. Um, you guys... You guys both... You guys both take 21 radiant damage. Yikes! Uh, that's- that's not gonna be good for anybody. Uh, Schlatt, you only take 10. Here's what I'll say.

'Cause I rolled really high on that damage, and I can't imagine you guys are looking good right now. Yeah. Um... Yes? You guys do still have...

four remaining snickerdoodles you may have forgotten about. I'm reminding you of this before you go into the final room here. 'Cause I took off six? Um, you guys are blasted by these beams of radiant light. You manage to barely sort of make it through, dodging some. You dodge most of them with your condiment sort of bursts. You guys get hit by a lot of them. Bursts. Um, your skin is searing, you're smoking, and you manage to just barely duck through this final, uh, doorway.

into what looks like a control room where there is something ahead of you. But you guys made it through that room. You guys are pretty worse for wear. Just reminding you, you got four snickerdoodles. You guys should split them. What are the snickerdoodles do again? They're cookies, dude. They're good. They're delicious. They're cookies. They heal you, but you got to make a wisdom save not to laugh. That was their whole gimmick thing. They're about 200 calories apiece. They're delicious. You guys should eat them.

You're not getting a single fucking one. I don't need one and we know I'll take one okay. It's a full heal with them No, I'll tell you how much you heal um who's eating one because there's four. We're gonna share them two and two yeah At this point. I'm just gonna be so honest like laughing doesn't really matter here if you guys fell a save so go ahead and roll um it's gonna be 44 plus four

Four D four like the number D like the letter triangles So roll four triangles and then add four for each of you and you gain that much health I don't know what these mean. So I got the top numbers the one you read I got food So four of these four times and add four. Yeah, and they're adding one each time You guys are both gonna be a man. Yeah, that works, too. That's okay. Oh five. That's six. Oh

That's... 7, plus 4, 11. You hold 11 HP then. 17. Okay, 17 HP? Nice. Um, sweet, okay, cool. You guys, uh, pop back these... pop back these snickerdoodles, have a couple chuckles as they're going down. *Bomp, Bomp, Bomp, Bomp* And... Why do you do- how do you get there? How do you- We're having fun!

Dude, that one was full healed! Oh, I'm not over that riddle shit, that stressed me out. I have a low health. I made it too, so that I was really trying to drill in the sweet and sour thing. You guys could've tasted them. Huh? What? Like, they like, one was literally sweet and one was like literally sour. Oh my god. Mine were not sour.

Yeah, this hour. I clocked what they were doing. You did not get one. This is what Slut does after the answer is really like, I knew the whole time and you guys fucked me over. Ted, I don't know a kinder way to say this. I literally did know. And you went the complete opposite direction for no fucking reason. That's the last I'm going to say about it.

I'm not peeved off, I didn't get hit by these things to the extent- I'M NOT MAD! I'M NOT MAD! That's basically- See what I'm doing here? Do it. Sniff that. Sniff that mustache. Check this out, everyone, everyone, everyone. We're here, we're in the final room, we're gonna do this. Okay? Because in front of you- Tensions are high. In front of you,

is a control room. In this control room, you see these various screens. Some of them are of these layers you've passed through. Some are of places you recognize down below, but you can tell that this is the control room for this food pyramid.

And in front of all of these screens is a chair with what looks like a figure seated in it. And this figure spins around to face you. Not- Is it a swivel chair? It's a swivel chair.

Dastardly. Oh yes. This figure spins around, and this is a big fucking chair. Like if you guys have seen like Prometheus, it's like the big fucking like engineer chairs. Yeah. Um, this person is still veiled in, uh, shadow. Uh, but they turn to you. You're the first to ever make it to the top. Who are you? Oh, questions you have.

I mean, yeah. Yoda? I'll give you three. Are you Yoda? No. Next question. Okay, now we have two questions. What would the right guardian tell me to do? No! The right guardian- That's too meta. The right guardian would have told you to- hang on, the blue- the right- like the blue one or the red one?

Because I don't think it mattered which side they were. Honestly, I'll give you four questions. Was he right? Mark that off. Yes. Damn it! There were only two uh- how did you get this far? I get stressed out with binary options! Then you'll hate it here and you see it on the screen. No!

Two questions remaining, that one doesn't count. But what? Oh wait, we only have three questions? We're in a land of riddles. Did he really just fucking waste one? Exactly. Wait, when can I use the spell? What's the riddle? What's the- I'm not asking you. What does he- what does he want? He said we have three quest- he's not Yoda, that's all we know. Where are you lost?

You're not- you're barely even here right now. I just want to use a spell. You could try to charm him. I can read his thoughts. No, no, that's not- I can read his thoughts. That's not what I was gonna use. You said it earlier. I'm gonna use detect thoughts. I'm gonna use detect thoughts. Okay. Wait, I've been wanting to use a spell the whole fucking time. Shut the fuck up.

With the detect thoughts, you see as you peer into this mind, Mayo, for the first time that you've used this spell, it is overwhelming. The amount of sound and the amount of knowledge and the amount of power within this creature is insane. Did they say knowledge? You feel your mind expanding and contracting and struggling to comprehend what is happening here, but what you can tell

is that what the crazy-ass frog man told you was partially true. This creature, whatever it is, and peering through its memories, you can see it piloting this thing going to different worlds, travels across the universe in this vessel, this pyramid, and drains worlds of their nutrients. The reason is because what is the organ that uses the most nutrients? It's the brain.

Now this creature has traveled far and wide across the cosmos gathering knowledge, gathering nutrients to answer the only riddle it cannot solve. Oh. My. God. That's as much you get without digging deeper, but your mind is bursting and even casting a spell, you take one psychic damage.

Ow. What is that? What do I have to roll? Uh, no, you just take one damage. Take one second damage. Mayo. Do you- before we move on, do you wish to probe deeper? Mayo, I think there's a question that you should ask. And I think you've known it all these years. And I think I can hear the sizzling in the distance. Now, before you get to it, I am gonna say, Francis,

Oh. You had something you want to do, I want to make sure we get to it. Oh, uh... This is getting heated. Um, but I was going to, uh, detect magic. Oh.

- Yeah, you didn't expect that, did ya? - I guess not. What is detect-- does-- yeah, it's very magical. - That's what I thought. That's what I thought. - It's very magical, but I'll tell you what else. You detect two kinds of magic in this creature.

One kind of magic seems to be this fiery, you feel this fiery sizzling presence. And this other magic, you feel this almost paradoxical void. Okay. I think I know exactly what you're talking about. I think I know as well. I encountered this on the open sea once before. Mayo. I think Mayo needs to face this. What are your two questions? Do you need some?

is gorgeous. Oh my god, that's so gross. Dude, I know for a fact that's gross. Oh, I actually know for- I genuinely couldn't- I gagged after one sip. Dude, I really- Oh my god! You have to get on a flight! That's gonna fucking exp- What the fuck? Jesus Christ! No, that's actually the foulest thing I've ever tasted. Amongst men. Stay away from him. Would you rather have unlimited bacon, but no more video games, or

games games unlimited games but no more games I was about to ask you the same thing and as this creature Rises to its height you see this. Oh, I'm so sorry you did that this Sphinx like

This sphinx-like head, uh, and with these cat features and odd feathers, yes, and eyes full of knowledge. Trapdoor! This is how I ask you, how you want to die.

Would you rather? stands up to his full height and you see as one eye Beams with a red flaming energy have unlimited bacon but no games and his hand outstretches this wretched flaming sizzle extending out from it a wing of pure bacon sprouting from one side or games

UNLIMITED GAMES! And the room stretches in front of you, sliding and expanding, BUT NO MORE GAMES! And you see as he clenches his fist, and fucking pure paradox, pure void appears in the other, and in front of you stands the ultimate

Question the purveyor of knowledge the Sphinx we're fighting the question The question roll initiative Seven I got nine

17. I got 9. Only fitting. Perfect. Ching, ching! Okay. Ching! So, uh, you first, Mayo. What'd you get? 17. Got it. Uh, 17? Okay. Um... I really drank all- No, I don't know why you did that, dude. Francis, you next. I thought it would be epic. I get a 6. It was! It was epic? It was epic. It was very- it was very epic. Hey, okay. Hey. Okay. Butch? Okay. Butch, what'd you get? A 7. A 7. Wait. Yeah. Oh, I got a 9. A 9. A 9 initiative. Okay.

top of the round before even the Sphinx. It's Mayo. Mayo. Mayo. Francis. What? What do I do? I- I just drank that again. So my fire shit is epic. Dude, you know what? Because you drank that entire fucking thing- My fire shit is epic right now. 40- you get double the effect. 46. 40, which was already double. I can't not give that to you. That is genuinely the most wretched concoction.

An additional 40 seconds. Firebolt! Firebolt! Firebolt! Oh my god! Go ahead and roll to hit. Jesus, dude. Jesus. One! One! No! Seven! Seven! Plus six! Thirteen! Thirteen hits. Go ahead and roll that damage on the Sphinx. Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Okay, so it says 1d10. 1d10 plus 4d6 now.

Zero. Ten! That's a ten! Holy shit. Plus 46. God damn. Holy shit, dude. One. Okay. Three. Okay. Four. Okay.

Six you've gotten really good at rolling. Oh my god. Very good. You're getting really accurate towards the middle there. Uh, yeah, fuck you shoot a massive bolt of flame out of this grill um built into you Oh, what is this? What is this?

Um, you blast into this thing, it noticeably takes damage. You singe through some of the bacon wing, but you see as it just grows back as there is infinite bacon. Unlimited bacon! I will raise your world for that. What's happening? Now... Enough games! And you see... Dude, it fucking smells like raid. Um...

He reaches out a hand and uses No More Games. All of you make a wisdom saving throw. Damn it, seven. That's a 13. 13? Okay. Five. Five, okay. Okay, what'd you get, Tucker? A 16. Okay. Tucker, you pass.

Yes. Uh, um, Francis, you take five psychic damage. Ooh. Uh, and Mayo and Butch, you guys both take ten psychic damage. Oh, Jesus. Oh my god. Information blasts through your mind. I thought I passed. Every game playing out at once. Once you didn't even know you played. It's too much! Butch, visions of someone you don't even recognize cooking and eating your mother. Another game, another world.

And just as fast- He's so racist! It is all gone. Every game you've ever played is erased from your fucking mind. And now you have minus 1d4 to any checks you are making here on your next turn. Oh. I'm clinging to life right now. I thought I should let you guys know. Up next is Butch. How much do you have left?

Five holy fuck up next is butch. Okay. Ah shit. We gotta lock in here rage rage Absolutely rage and then I guess I'll do my double hand X nice nice nice nice So I will suck the nutrients from your body and there is no one here to call that gay You go ahead roll your attacks what oh?

Did the creature say that? I see- Yes! I see everything! Okay! Uh, roll to attack. Roll to attack. You guys have ten. Ten to hit? Total? Uh, ten- Well, ten plus six, so sixteen. Sixteen's gonna do it. Yes, you're good. Alright. Roll your damage. Roll your damage. And then I gotta roll... 1d6. Mm-hmm.

That's five plus four. Plus two, right? Plus two. Nice, eleven. So five plus four now is eleven. Holy shit, okay! And then I do it again? Uh, yeah, yeah. I know all the games. That's a- that's a fifteen plus six. That will hit two, yes. And then I roll a d- Roll the d- yeah, roll it and just add two. Mm-hmm. Damn, three. Total? Yeah. Okay, nice. Uh, alright. How- yeah, you slash into this fucking creature.

Oh, you have sizzle in your heart. Little bit. Wanna have a little more? Whoa, I think he's flirting with you. Butch, as you cleave into this sphinx-like creature with your mighty blow, um, there is a...

Sudden moment where faster than you thought possible the Sphinx looks over to you and stretches out a finger and you see as Bacon unlimited bacon flies out from behind him towards you go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. Ha ha after you attack. Yeah. Oh shit. That's a five. That's a five a five plus

Plus two, so that's a seven. Seven absolutely does not pass. You take four fire damage, which you're a tiefling, so I think that's actually halved to two. Okay. As unlimited bacon shoots out past you. You see it in the corners of your vision, and all you can see is just this sizzling pork cut flying past you, slicing into your flesh. Jesus!

It's okay, but next is Francis. My plan is to use Thunder wave nice It's gonna fuck you guys up Oh Jesus, but hopefully it fucks up the bacon a little bit more. It's gonna hurt us Yeah, yeah, it's gonna hurt. It's gonna hurt like the Sphinx sees you start to cast it in laughs He laughs He's just happy you guys are gonna get fucked up. Why would you do that? Uh?

I've always been about the liquor, man. It's not about you. It's the Irish accent. Gone to the waves. It comes and goes.

Even the Sphinx looks at you and goes, "Are you sure about this?" Well, I don't really have a lot of offensive spells here. You know, it's kind of Thunder Wave or nothing. Can you turn into an animal? There is like a video game tip that I hand wrote for you that says you can turn into animals. And it is good. You can turn into an animal and it will increase your damage a bunch and like it's a thing.

I use it a lot in Baldur's Gate. I'm not telling you what to do. You can do whatever you want. Let's see here... I'm only trying to provide options that aren't blowing everyone out. Okay, let it be known that based on peer pressure... For the best! I shall be turning into a... tiger! And I will be... eating the bacon...

Okay, okay. What is the fish man? Okay, it's a straight tiger. Funny fucking thing to say. Um, alright. Uh, yeah, I've got the stat block. I've got the stat block. Um, holy shit. Francis, Francis, you turn into a fucking tiger, dude. Yes, yes I do. It's sick. Um, you get one attack. Do you want to bite or claw this bacon? Bite, absolutely. Make sense, go ahead and roll the hit. You get plus five. I've got all your stats right here.

Alright, Tiger, uh, Tancis, go ahead and roll me 1d10 plus 3, that's your damage. Piercing damage. As you bite into this bacon.

Mm-hmm. Seven. Seven plus... Plus three, so ten? Ten. Nice! You bite a large chunk of this bacon wing, and you see as it is regenerating slower and slower. No, this isn't possible, it's unlimited! Um... I'm not in my mouth. As you deal this blow to him, and you see he is more wounded than ever before, um, he says, Fine.

If I can't drain your world, I'll drain you! - Fuck! - And his hands extend. You start to feel yourselves weaken. Everyone go ahead and make me a constitution saving throw.

12 16 20 nice Francis 13 okay Unfortunately it was 14 you needed a hit so you guys both fail you pass you're totally okay you guys both take Yeah, you guys both take five force damage and you both age and

Seven years. Okay. Instantly. I would have been dead. I'm in my thirties! I'm in my thirties, fuck! You see as he begins to heal. Oh, unlimited bacon, unlimited possibility. Up next is Mayo. Firebolt! You're fucking imbued with this power. Go ahead and roll to hit. You're gonna do a shit ton of damage if this hits. Game's back.

How much? 19 plus 6, 25. Absolutely hits, go ahead and roll that damage. Okay, 1d10. Plus 4d6. 7. Nice. Plus. Yes. 2. Yes. Plus. 9. Okay. 5. Okay. Plus. 14, yes. 2. Holy shit. Plus. Yes. 6. Oh my god. He is looking rough. How do you do this as you blast him down to what looks like an inch within the Sphinx's life?

I mean, I use the firebolt. I shoot the firebolt down a minute. You shoot the firebolt, it rips through him, singeing, uh, you see the fur. UGH! This is impossible! I can see unlimited futures and this is none of them! The Sphinx is made of sand. He doesn't have fur.

The Sphinx is made of sand? I don't think that's true. Is it like limestone? Well, like the Sphinx of mythology isn't made of sand, they made that because- Oh, this is the Sphinx. Yeah. This is not the actual Sphinx in Egypt. This isn't like the Sphinx from Egypt. Okay. No, that's awesome. That's awesome. Alright. I'm just gonna fight! Up next, unfortunately, is... the Sphinx. Oh boy. Uh oh. Shit. You've so far only tasted... finite... bacon.

But now, it's time for ALL of it! And you see as around you the walls *shrug* all change into bacon, it all- every slice *shrug* angles at you, Francis, and you, Butch, and it starts to *tickle*

Unlimited bacon all in a room all in a club around you guys terrible trying to dodge around this bacon But there's just so much of it. There's too much dexterity saves both of you. This is very bad dexterity's terrible damn it, dude I'm rolling solo five. Holy five plus so seven total seven damn

Uh... 7... Plus? 12? No, negative 5 plus 12. Oh my gosh. 7. I think I- I don't know if I'm gonna make it. You guys both take 30 fire damage.

I'm dead. You take half because of fire resistance. I don't know if it helps, but that's what you take. If I had 15, I'd be at zero, but I have 14. FUUUUUCK! Okay. Unfortunate- Francis, how much did you have? Wait, how much damage did I just take? 30. He did 30. I rolled all sixes. I'm dead.

Oh god, okay. Francis, you see as is absolutely blasted by these different slices of bacon, goes flying back into a wall. Wait! I should've used Heroic Inspiration on that dexterity throw. Clothes singed, I'll give you one last shot to do it. Pull out the lunchbox of doom right fucking now and use that. If you don't save me, we're through. This is it. Butch, for all the marbles. This is if you stay up or go down, Butch. For all the bacon. For my marbles. For all the bacon. The DC's 14. 13. Plus?

Butch, you see all of these coming towards you, but what is your fucking job? To slice and dice. And you do. As unlimited bacon is flying towards you, you use unlimited slashes. And as they're coming off, and they just keep landing into Francis. Wait, did I die, or did he?

You're knocked down, but you're not dead. But you're out of the fight. I'm so sorry. *shriek* Ted, you only take, uh, you only take seven fire damage because of your resistance and because it's halved. Okay. So you're still up. Okay, so I'm at seven. Not great, but you're still up. Um, that's the Sphinx's turn. Up next, Butch, it's you. Sphinx is looking rough. This is probably do or die.

You see Mayo next to you, looking beat up, condiments leaking, you see Francis on the floor. It's your turn. Okay. I Rage! Go for it. Yeah, I feel like all this occurs in the lunchbox at Doom now. I think so. Go ahead and roll that. Here we go.

11 plus fuckin... what is this? Roll to attack 11 plus 6, so that would be 17? That's gonna hit. Go ahead and roll your damage. Okay, so that's a 1d6 plus 4. Yeah. Oh my god. This thing keeps falling. 1d6. Come on, Butch. Come on, Butch. That's 8. 8 damage? 8 total. Okay. Butch.

You still have an offhand attack? He's looking really rough. You cleave one of his fucking arms clean off, dude. You slice all the way through it. You see as his arm of unlimited bacon falls to the ground, the bacon all flapping lifelessly down. And then I go again, and this is just plus two, correct? Oh wait, plus two?

Because if I'm Rage, I did... Sorry, it was a 4 plus 4 plus 2. It was actually... 10? 10. Okay. He's looking even worse. Roll a flat die for your secondhand attack. Yeah, you don't add strength to it. It's just flat.

Oh shit. Plus six is eleven. Eleven does not hit. Your cleaver, you try and swing it and you see as this void of infinite games but no games absorbs the fucking cleaver into it. One of your cleavers lost forever. One more game ended. Um...

And as you attack him, he is going to, once again, his arm lying on the ground sizzles once more, firing one final burst of bacon at you. Go ahead and make a dexterity saving throw. That is a...

Bad scenario for me because I've got a six and that's an eight you only take four fire damage Oh, I'm on my last legs right now next up next is would be Francis Francis go ahead and make me a death saving throw. I thought I was on the floor You're making death saves basic you want a tenner higher into the box It's a four

Francis, Francis's life is leaving him on the floor. You guys need to finish this fast or it's over. Mayo, it's your turn. The Sphinx is looking so bloodied. Butch has lost a cleaver. Butch is on his last legs. Francis is on the ground. I'm on the ground. You're on your last legs. You're leaking every condiment you've had. Mayo, look at me. Do it. For everything we've gone through, I believe in you. Firebolt.

And as you go to cast it one more time, you realize that your friend's believing in you. That was the secret sauce. And your body starts to expand. Your sauces flow with a new, bright, beautiful orange. And you fire off a final blast roll to hit. It's an eight. Plus? Plus six. Fourteen. You needed a thirteen. I'm going to tell you right now.

The Sphinx had one HP. Oh my god. And if you missed, I actually think you all would have died. But how do you want to do this? Take it away. Do it, Mr. Bale. Polish it off. Spuddering. You fool. I say to the Sphinx, you've been so caught up in this paradox of unlimited games and no games when the answer's been in front of you the whole time.

You always take the bacon! It's four. You only needed one. You see, right as you fire off this fireball and his eyes widen. That was my first choice.

I fucking- I second-guessed it. Slams into him. Explodes out! Half into this negative energy, half into this bacon as his form is strewn across the walls of this place. And combat is over. You have defeated the question. It was never a question. The answer was always the bacon.

Francis, I'm gonna say if you guys take a second, you can get him back up and now you are left with a dead, basically dead god and a choice in front of you. The control center for this pyramid. You can choose to take it for yourselves, whatever that means. All of this food, all of these ingredients, all of this wealth, all of these nutrients go off to other worlds. Take this one, do whatever you want. Or you can destroy it.

You don't know much about this console, but you know enough that you could figure out those two things. All three of you, this is your decision. The final one in Shuckle Dungeon. Lead it. Ready boys? There is a big red button. Is there a- on the- is there a steering wheel? Is there a steering wheel? Yeah. Okay. There's a steering wheel. Boys, on the count of three. One, two, three. We crash it into the earth. Crash it into the earth. Crash it into the earth.

As you... Woo!

You see all of the monitors, "Danger, danger, danger, danger!" -Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull! Pull

Leaving a vast- do you want to just destroy the planet? Oh, just leave a big crater. Just a big crater? This thing leaves a scar upon the earth as it indents, leaves a massive fucking, uh, crater that is literally seen from space. Do you want to survive this or no? Yes. I wa- Please, I need this.

We'll leave it up to the imagination of our listeners. No, no, no. I need to survive. I need this. We all collectively think that we'll leave it up to the imagination of our listeners. Please save me. We, all three of us. No. I've got, no worry, I got you. As you all veer off and it starts to shake, you all close your eyes, except Francis, who's definitely going to live. I definitely imagine.

I am gonna live. I need something. And with that, the story of Mayo, of Francis, of Butch, and how they saved the world will forever be told.

In stories, and in restaurants, maybe experimental menus, and on streams across the continent. Thank you all so much for playing Chuckle Dungeon Unlimited. I hope you enjoyed playing. I hope you enjoyed watching. Thank you so much. I'm your dungeon master, Charlie Slimesicle. These are these wonderful people who you will never see again on this podcast as this is the finale. Thank you guys so, so much for letting me run this. I really appreciate it. This was amazing.

And however much the video says this is long, that's a lie. It just took a while. Alright Chucklers, thank you so much for watching that final episode of Chuckle Sandwich, the Chuckle Dungeon episode. We hope you really enjoyed it.

I know that Charlie here put a lot of work into preparing that for us. We did a lot of work to try to make it seem special for you guys. And, uh, I mean, thanks so much for listening to chuckle sandwich. So I had to leave for a flight at the end of that episode and we didn't really get a chance to kind of say what we wanted to for the end of the podcast. Um, so we're here after the Christmas recording a couple of weeks ago that you guys watched and we are, um, going to say some, some final, final stuff. Uh,

Would anyone, I don't know, I don't know how to do this, but this is the last things that we're going to say at the end of Chuckle Sandwich. So I don't know, Charlie, would you like to? I'll go. I'll go. Chuckles, Chucklers, it's been the last, this is the last chuckle. It's it. That's it. That's all. That's, that's all she wrote.

This is the last time you're ever going to laugh listening to any of us again. Especially with whatever Ted and Tucker are going to be up to after. I think they're going to be kind of hard to come by. But on a real note, every YouTuber has videos that they can look back on and be proud of. And...

It's great when you pour your heart and soul into one little thing, and that can kind of live in its own bubble. But it's just one video. And there's been multiple years that we've poured into Chuckle, hundreds of episodes. And this is the only project, I think, that I've worked on for such a long time that I can look back on and say,

recall nothing but good memories. Um,

Which, you know, again, I can't really say about much of the other huge things I've been a part of. And Chuckle is that one thing that I can look back on. You know, we closed it up real nice, wrapped it up in a nice Christmas present for you all. And I can say in full confidence that it's something that I'm genuinely proud of. And, you know, I'm very grateful for all of you for coming along on that ride for the four years that we had.

and i don't love you but i do appreciate you that's all from me that was really sweet um okay man um geez this is um honestly i mean i haven't been on the podcast for real in a hundred or more fucking episodes you know um

Maybe 96 because of all the Christmas episodes. Okay, okay. Maybe not... Oh, well, then it's not as bad as I thought. I never... Looking back on this whole thing, this whole podcast, I don't think I'm ever going to... This is going to sound weird. I don't think I'm ever going to look back on it like it was a podcast. I think, especially you, Schlatt, and you, Ted...

we've kind of known each other for, um, what is now getting to be a pretty crazy long time through the good shit and the not so good shit. Um, and I don't think I'll ever, I don't think I'll ever forget, um, what it was like that you invited me to something like this, Ted. And I'll never take for granted the fact that we've been able to keep,

talking to each other and keep laughing and keep doing stuff like this. And so I think, you know, I think that I, my hope is that even without Chuckle Sandwich, that I can stay close with you guys, because this really, Schlatt's right. I mean, this is one of the few things that I can look back on with

pretty much nothing but fond memories. I mean, we were watching just the clip of the Christmas episode earlier. Um, and I mean, I, I loved doing stuff like that, not for the viewers or whatever, but honestly, just to make you guys laugh. Cause I've been lucky enough to, to call you both my friends. Um,

Schlatt, I think that despite you having a very spiky exterior, you know, online and stuff, I genuinely think that you are... You have one of the kindest hearts inside that I've ever seen. And I know you hate it when it shines through a little bit and when I find out about what you're actually doing. But I hope that you...

get to keep doing what actually brings you joy and what brings light into your life. And I think you're on your way to doing that. That makes me really, really happy to see. And Ted, I hope you know that I will never take for granted how much you are always extending a hand or friendship to me or making sure that I feel included or heard or part of something. It seriously really, really means the world.

Oh man, fuck you. Oh, geez. Yeah. So I love, I love you guys to death. Jesus. I really, really do. So, you know, I am very, very grateful. I probably said this on the episode, but I'm very, very grateful that you guys asked me to come back for that finale. It meant a lot to me and,

I made that, you know, I toiled away at that, not because I wanted it to be good for whoever the fuck was watching, because I really wanted it to be good for you guys. Thank you, Charlie. You're the best, dude. No, I love you guys. I really do. I love you too, Charlie. Yeah. Whoever's watching, you guys are fine too, whoever's watching this. Fuck, man, you one-upped me.

Oh, Jesus. I told you. I was serious. I was serious. I really mean it. I really mean it. And Tucker, I know that I don't know you as well as this guy. No, I'm serious. I'm serious. But it really meant a lot to me when we did Chuckle Dungeon and you brought fucking nothing but your A-game, dude. I thought you absolutely crushed it in every way. I tried very hard. So, yeah. I hope that...

I hope that your guys' podcast and Tucker, I hope everything you do is literally nothing but successful, man. I hope you get everything you want in life. Thank you. So, yeah.

Tucker, would you like to say something? Sure. So I started working on Chuckle in 2021. I had freshly gotten out of the Marine Corps with just a high school diploma. I was freshly engaged. I had been listening to a couple of the early single digit episodes while I worked for my dad, mowing lawns and blowing leaves. And

I moved in with my wife, or then who became my wife, and Ted, my high school best friend, and we stayed in touch all throughout Ted's college, my Marine Corps. We stayed in touch, and Ted offered me a job

making clips and highlights. YouTube Shorts didn't even exist at the time. Making highlights for Chuckle Sandwich as kind of a college job. And I was fully intending to apply for just a part-time position at Home Depot to make ends meet while I put myself through school. And Ted offered me the job, which was monumental in allowing me to start a family and

make some money while getting my education. And I'm forever grateful for that. And not only like only a year later, I'm actually, I got, I mean, due to some circumstances that happened, I've been, I was promoted to be on the show and making some more money, which was, you know, instrumental in getting me off the ground in both content and financial freedom.

and allowing my wife and I to get going in life. And we're three or four years later now, and Ted and I are starting our own project, and I've been streaming successfully all year, making YouTube videos, and just meeting tons of great people, meeting...

Schlatt and Charlie who I never would have met through this and you know thanks to you guys for getting chuckle sandwich off the ground because if it never got off the ground then my life would look completely different than it does now I wouldn't be on this camera I wouldn't be using this microphone I wouldn't be using these monitors I wouldn't be using this computer or this go XLR if it wasn't for the three of you especially Ted though credit where credit's due Ted is my best friend and he's pulled me up into this world and allowed me to

do whatever I want really and now you know we're looking to a new chapter I couldn't be more excited and I couldn't be more proud of his empathy his generosity and his friendship and I just want to thank all of you guys so thank you oh fuck you man that was nice oh it's been life changing so it really has

I guess it's my turn to say something. I mean, I knew when I saw all the stuff that Charlie and Schlatt were doing, like in my experiences with them in the years prior and just in like

Just how absolutely funny and talented they were that I was like, I want to do something where I can assure that I will be able to continue to be friends with these people and be able to continue working with them. And so I pitched Chuckle Sandwich to these guys being like, sort of like a... I'm a big proponent of friendship preservation projects, I think I'm realizing, because I did the same thing with Tucker where we had like a...

We were playing... Our project where we were playing through all of...

All of the Halo campaigns on Legendary. When he was in the Marines and I was in college, that was what we would do. Every month we would see each other. At a minimum. It's hard sometimes when you have a mostly remote relationship with people on staying in touch and stuff like that. Me being out in LA and being away from a lot of the world that I grew up with. It's an important thing to me. I'm so glad that Charlie and Shalette, you guys...

Took a chance on my ability to like pull something like this together and I'm so appreciative of you guys bringing your whole selves into this project and giving your comedy and your work ethic and just your enthusiasm for something like this because, you know, it's hard, you know, to do a...

to do a group project in the first place. It's cause it's just a lot of, but you guys have always, you know, been willing to, you know, you guys were all willing to come out to LA. I mean, even in the later ends, you know, it was a little hard to get flat out to LA, but I mean, he still came out, he still came out and we kept them happy into the end. And I'm pretty happy about that. I think we did a good job, Tucker. Don't you think we did a pretty good job? We did a great job. That was just fantastic that it, that it went as well as it did. Yeah.

No, I think that our last Juggle Week was the most successful, least slat problem Juggle Week that we had, which I was very happy about. We had a theory. Tucker and I had a theory. We were like, if we just get him. We can't let him get a hotel. We can't let him go away somewhere else. If we get him around all the time, then he can keep him as happy as he can. We can ensure he's having a good time. We can pump him full of serotonin. Okay.

Do you know what it was like to having the most wonderful chuckle week and then watching you drink that entire disgusting potion I made and being like, oh God, he's going to have a miserable fucking time now. I can't believe I did that. I don't know why you did. It was probably the fireball. But yeah, no, I mean, I'm just so pleased that...

you know, we were able to just finish this project that I was able to pull Tucker in and be able to, um, basically assure that like, uh, my best friend isn't going to be too busy to do anything because he's going to be fucking working with me the whole time. Um, and yeah, I mean, I think that,

In many ways, I don't know what would have happened if we didn't do Chuckle Sandwich. I don't know if we would have grown apart. In a lot of the context of those years, a lot of us, all three of us, were doing very different content and stuff. I think, Shlatten, you and Charlie kind of collabed a little bit more than I did with either of you. I'm very pleased with how it went. I feel like where things stand right now, comparing where we were

When we started Chuckle Sandwich, we weren't all that close, but we liked each other. And now I feel like as Chuckle Sandwich ends, I feel at the closest that I've been with either of you than I've ever been, especially with Charlie moving out to LA and then when I came out there to New York, Schlatt, and we hung out, I definitely felt like I was like, oh, okay, this isn't...

like a work friendship. These are my friends, you know, you know what I mean? Like where there's like, sometimes you have that with YouTube. And so that's really what I, I think I wanted from chuckle sandwich at the end of the day. And I'm really happy that it got to that point. And I'm so happy that, you know, there's hundreds of thousands of people that like, just, you know, got to ride along for that journey with us. And,

And that Charlie you were willing to come back for all the all the Christmas episodes Yeah, fuck yeah It was a great project and I'm just fucking did it guys we fucking did it and You know and now this will live on the internet forever people be able to listen to all the episodes of chocolate sandwich and it's like this wonderful time capsule of of a weekly period on a weekly basis of our lives and just

of different places we lived and seeing us grow through our mid-20s. Fuck, we're all halfway through. Yeah. We're all 25 plus now. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Charlie and I are about to turn 27. Tucker too. Shalad, you're going to turn like, what, 14? Yeah.

But yeah, is there any other thoughts that people have before I do this? Well, also, and remember, I got to say this because Tucker and I, we've got a new podcast that's coming out. The first episode will launch next week.

Yes. Next week. Right on schedule. Dancing on our grave. We're not going to let you guys... You're spinning a sign on our grave. That's what you guys taught me. This is... To be fair, this is Tucker's entire...

uh chuckle sandwich is most of tucker's income right now that's just why i hope you know i hope you know that i'm just i'm just okay yeah just making sure it's known though keep that fucking money printer going baby of course dude uh but but there's a new podcast that tucker and i are starting that comes out next week it's called take it easy

Guys, we'll hope that if you guys will listen to Tucker and I do a little bit of stuff with this new project, I think that that's a project Tucker and I will do for, I don't even know. Indefinitely. Indefinite project that we'll do. And we really hope you guys will listen in for that. You will be listeners. It's not optional. But yeah. Well, shit. I feel like...

I feel like I'm the member of the group project that did no work for that final statement, but I echo everything that's been said. You guys are all extremely talented, great people, and I'm grateful to have worked with you alongside these

alongside with you for these years. And we're all still going to collab. Of course. It's not like we're like... I was going to say, I look forward to more of it. I was going to say. Oh, sorry. No, I was just... It was more for the audience member who was like, are they going to all not talk anymore? No. No. No.

Yeah. Um, I mean, you know, I, I said what I wanted to say to you guys, but I guess to anyone watching this, whether that's when it comes out or a year from now or a couple of years from now, um, I would say that the biggest takeaway for me from this experience that, um, everyone watching this maybe, uh, could use is that kind of regardless of the stuff going on in your, in your life or what's happening, um,

I think you'll come to realize that no time is more valuable than the time you set aside to make a memory with your friends, especially a special one like this over the course of years and years every week. So thank you guys for being a part of that. And that's all. All right. That's all I wanted to say. Well, Chucklers, thank you all so much.

for listening to this podcast. And this has been Chuckle Sandwich.

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