Chelsea Handler Finally Showed Up
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We know when it comes to finding balance, the more choices, the better. So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gatriots, Vatriots. Cuckoo! And everybody that wants to be a member of Asshole Island, we have some space. We are organizing to try to stay sane through all of this fuckery.

It's not as easy as it might look. It's a lot harder than people think. What have you had it with, Pumps? Okay, what I've had it with is when you have dinner companions that you're supposed to meet for dinner and they show up late and act like you're supposed to wait for them to order. No. If you're not there at the appointed time, we're all going to order. We're not waiting for you. Do you think that's rude? This is why I don't go to dinner with people. It depends on the people. Like...

I would – if somebody asked me to go to dinner and they were 15 to 20 minutes late, I would wait for all of us to order together. See, not me. I think you send in your order or you just order late because if you're not there, you're not there. And I only have one friend that does this to me. It bugs the living shit out of me. Yeah. I just –

I mean, I wouldn't like it. Tardiness is something that really bothers me. But in the interest of being polite, I would wait for that person to arrive before I order. Now, I might order an appetizer and say, oh, we ordered an appetizer while we were waiting, but I would not order my entree if it was a set meal.

meal that we were all taking time out of our lives to have together. Even if that person makes you go to bed later. See, that's what I, I'm like, you're getting into my bedtime. If I had one person that chronically did this to me, I wouldn't go to dinner with them anymore. I know that's probably, I would draw a boundary and just not go to dinner with them anymore. Let me ask you this. When everybody's like, when you're being served and let's say there's five people at your table and one person's dinner's late and

Do you go ahead and start eating or do you wait for someone at the table to say, like, if you're the one that doesn't have the food, obviously you have to be the one that says everybody go ahead and eat. Or do you just go ahead and eat? Depends. Again, it depends on who I'm with. Like if I'm with you and Josh and, you know, like Vanessa or Liz, I would look at all of you and be like,

I'm going to go ahead and start. I am starving. But if it's like we're at dinner in New York with people we don't know very well that we're doing business with, I'm going to sit and I'm going to be polite. Yeah. That's what I think you kind of have to do. But it really bugs me when people don't immediately say...

Go ahead and start. That's the worst because I immediately, number one, I've had it with kitchens not delivering food all at the same time because it puts us all in a very precarious position. But I'm always, if my meal is the delayed meal, I immediately say, please go ahead and eat. Same. Do not wait on me. Same. Totally. Yeah. All right. Let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with belts. And I want you to hear me out on this.

So as a woman, you have high-waisted pants, mid-waisted pants, and then low-waisted pants that are around your hip. And if I'm wearing high-waisted pants and I bought the belt that I want to put on with the high-waisted pants, when I tried it on the store, I tried it on with the low-waisted pants.

It doesn't quite fit. Right. It's different. And vice versa. And I feel like you just can't find a belt if you're a woman that always fits with whatever size your waist is, the pants are aligning on your waist. And I have this constant problem like this belt I have on today. I really need a size smaller because I have on high-waisted jeans. But if I wear this belt with kind of some low-riders, kind of some hip-riders,

fits perfectly. Yeah, that's the problem. Or what I hate is you get it with the high-waisted jeans so it's smaller and then it looks ridiculous with the low-waisted jeans where you need a bigger, you know? And so it's almost like you have to buy two belts and that seems like a waste. I've had it. I'm up to my eyeballs with this belt situation because...

I have all of these different waisted pants and then the belts I like to mix and match every single day, you know, a different belt. And like this belt I have on right now, I literally want to take it and just throw it out the car when I'm driving down the street because it doesn't work with these pants. Yeah.

It drives me crazy. And then if I go get another hole in it, then this end of it is going to be curled around to the small of my back. It's too waggy. And I don't know what's going on with the belt industry, but there seems to be no regulation, especially in Trump's America. I've noticed this more and more. Everything's worse in Trump's America. I don't think there's any question about that. I've had it. I've had it with the belts. Welcome to I've had it. We are America's top DEI podcast.

broadcasting from the buckle of the Bible belt, although neither of us are religious at all. We're both wildly progressive and getting more so by the day. I think that's one thing Trump's America is making everybody that's on the left even more left because he's so fucking crazy. I forgot to mention our names. I'm Jennifer. Oh, I'm Angie. She is America's top DEI hire.

America's top DEI Meemaw meat curtains effortless legal eagle effortlessly cheat you know what would be great the real legal eagle I wish he'd sue you

For us kind of using the name Legal Eagle, just for a distraction. Just for a little entertainment value? Yeah. The thing about suing somebody, it's just a pain in the ass, everything about it. I know. It's a pain. I know it is. I need something to take my eye off the ball of the Russian billionaire power grab on the United States of America. I think we're stewing in that for quite some time. Definitely the foreseeable future. Kylie. Yes. Yes.

Do you have this issue with belts? I don't have this issue with belts. I have before, and you know what I do? I take a knife and I'll like make my own holes. Surgery? Mm-hmm. I would have done that at your age too. DIY surgery? Yes. You know what it reminds me of is a habit of mine is they now sell most bathing suits separately. You have to buy the top and you have to buy the bottom. I like this. I like this too. You don't like it? Why don't you like it? Why do you want to do that?

Just because I like the ability to, like maybe I want a certain size on the bottom and a different size on the top. Also, I do think it's kind of fun if it's a bikini and it's a solid color. Right. Doing like, you know, a little mix, like two different shades of pink, kind of an ombre bikini. And you can customize it yourself that way or two different shades of blue. Right.

And you're doing like, you know, a darker blue on the bottom and then kind of an aqua on the top. And so I like having that type of control, purchasing power, purchasing control in this late stage capitalism that we're in. I just like being able to get a bathing suit that is big enough for my boobs and for my butt. I just think I just want to buy it. A set? One purchase. It's a set. I don't have to think about it. Cost me double. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't like it. I don't need to customize my bathing suit. You could do a one-piece. I don't want to do a one-piece. Okay, I didn't know until we went to Italy that when you wear a one-piece, you bring the crotch over to pee. You don't take the whole thing off. Like in 54 years, I had no idea. What?

Yeah. Who was doing this? I was taking the whole thing down. I was like, had a one piece on. I remember. And I took the whole thing down. Yeah. And our friend Liz was like, what is wrong with you? You're supposed to just pull the crotch over. Pull the crotch to the side. Pull the crotch to the side. I hadn't

earthly idea that that was a thing see this great this is this is one of the more beautiful things about life that someone could be at your advanced age and you're still learning and open to learning and learning learning new p tricks yeah it was great take the crotch slide it over hike the leg let her rip put it back jump in the ocean yeah never knew that until the kylie what about you

I definitely don't undress. I mean, being fully naked, dripping wet, bathing suit around your ankles. That sounds like my worst nightmare, Pumps. I can't believe you were doing that. Yeah, well, I didn't put it around my ankles, but I put it down. I mean, I was naked. Even a romper, you pull to the side. I've never done that either. Yeah. I always completely undress. I'm just rolling around these bathrooms in the stall, butt naked from the knee up. See, this is why I think you would be a great candidate for one of these nude resorts. Yeah.

I do. Please, let's not go back there. I just, I don't know. I just think it could be kind of fun for you. Why not? Running around. It'd be airy. Do you just, I think you could go. It could be, the podcast could pay for it. And it could be a content creation trip where you're going, you have notes, and you're getting a lot of information to bring back to Asshole Island to help us get through Trump's America. You go,

underground to the nudist resort, participate in all the activities. I mean, if they're having bubble bath time in the hot tub, I want you and those second dragons over there motorboating like nobody's business. I come back with a black eye from naked volleyball from my own breasts. That we'll know that I did, you know, honestly, if would you do it? Here's the deal. If I didn't have to be walking around naked, I would totally go just for content because I just think it would be so interesting. Yeah.

But why? I mean, you used to answer your front door naked. Why all of a sudden you have an aversion? I knew it was you. Yeah. And I'm not like typical. I'm not like modest, but I wouldn't just like flit around naked at a nudist resort. So here's something we need to find out. At the nudist resort, can you wear panties? Like we just need to email one of these resorts, the concierge desk. So we have a candidate that we think might want to come in.

To the all-inclusive nude resort. But she's a little bit modest. Can she wear panties? Because you'd let the dragons just go, right? Yeah, the dragons would bother me at all times. I'd be running around with a hanger on the end of my nipple the whole nudist resort. Yeah. Yeah. For those of you that are new listeners, one of Pump's tricks, tell them, Pumps. A party trick back in the day. Now, I think gravity may have caught me up on this, but I could balance a hanger on the end of my nipple.

And I'd just take it and I would put it up there and it would just hang perfectly even. Now I just think, now I'm, the last time I did it, which has probably been a year or two ago, I was, I could do a wooden hanger. I could do a plastic hanger. Any, any hanger challenge, I could do it. I've been regulated to wire hangers because of gravity.

Okay, Kylie, what's going on on the internet regarding our podcast? I've got a couple reviews for you. I'm going to pop them up. Okay. This one is titled Bangs Five Stars. And she writes, Okay, hi, ladies. I've had it stand here. I've been here since literally day one. I love you both so much. But Jen and pumps dot dot dot. Please stop it with the bang slander. Okay.

I'm 29 and I cut my own bangs when I was 25 and I have not gone back. It's a part of my identity and they're so cute. Are they a lot of work? Yeah. Do they literally ruin my morning sometimes when they don't do what I want them to do? Yeah. But I actually think they make me look younger. I can't imagine myself without bangs. So Pumps as a 29 year old with bangs who loves them, get them, love them and embrace them. K by Kirsten.

Okay, here's what I have to say. Some people are super cute with bangs. Great with bangs. Some people, they have these bangs and I'm like, oh my God, your bangs are so cute. Now, I will say on the Yassified version of you, I thought you looked pretty cute. I mean, MAGA cute. But I mean, I think some people look great with bangs. But my problem is I like the easiest hair you can ever come up with. And it's just easier to put your hair all the way back in a ponytail than fight with the bangs.

I'm impressed that she can cut her own bangs because I've done that a couple times with disastrous results. I didn't know that when your hair's wet, it's longer and it shrinks up when it's drier. I learned that the fucking hard way. What age did you crack that code? Oh, it was high school. Okay. All right, Kylie, who's next?

Okay, this one is titled Saving My Life, Five Stars. Thank you, ladies, for garnering all of my frustrations and disenchantment. I love the pettiness of it all, and I love it when you comment on the daily disgrace that is the second coming vomit emoji of Trump and his merry band of ass kissers. Thankfully, I live in a blue state, but I know this bunch of right-wing nutjobs will not rest until we're all think, pray, and living as they themselves choose.

Thank you, ladies, all of you. Your podcast was the first that I listened to after the debacle of the last election. Much love to you all. I love that. Thank you for that message because I want our listeners to know that, you know, we have this podcast where it's more fun and we do this twice a week, but we also have IHIP News, which is political hits twice a day, 15 to 20 minute episodes. And I think it's a great way to get people to know that we're here.

And we have to stay abreast of the news all the time so we know what the hell we're talking about. And it's taken a toll. Yeah, I've lost sleep at night. I wake up in kind of like a sweaty panic. Like, it's terrifying. It really is. What they're doing is exhausting. But anyway, I have some news stories, non-Trump related, that I'm going to share with everybody today. The first one is, a new study finds that friends who often playfully insult each other are

are 300% more honest and loyal. Research shows that we should all absolutely relentlessly roast our friends. Contrary to popular beliefs, psychologists believe that friends who grill each other with frequent good natured jokes might have stronger friendships after all. In fact, one study suggested that those who playfully insult each other, as long as it's in jest, of course, are actually 300% more loyal and honest.

Have I told you how much older you are than me lately? Fuck off. Talk about low-hanging fruit. Is this what happens in Trump's America? You just go for the lowest-hanging fruit all the time? Always. Always. Now, when I read that article, I saw it, and I was like, I think that's right. It's true. We always razz each other. Always. All the time. If I get some sort of bad comment on the internet, nobody is happier about this insult to me than Pumps. I mean, she...

revels in it. But I will say when somebody attacks you on the internet, I'm always like, that's my fucking job. I will fucking cut a bitch. Only I get to bully pumps. I will absolutely take those fuckers out. Do not fuck with my pumps. That's my job. Because then you know I love you. That's right. Okay.

All right. This is something that's so wild. And I have my, I have a high school senior right now and he's applied to colleges and I've had it with waiting on college results. We're still waiting to hear from some colleges. And then my older son's applying to law school. So this whole going to college thing has become the biggest racket of all rackets. And here's the headline. Your kid got into college. Does she need a bed party?

Parents are tricking out their children's bedrooms to celebrate college acceptances.

Sometimes spending thousands of dollars. A bed party is a celebration usually thrown for a high school senior who has been accepted to college where they decorate their bed with merchandise from their chosen university, including clothing, blankets, balloons, and themed snacks, essentially showcasing their school pride and excitement about attending that institution. It's often accompanied by photos on social media to share the news with friends and family.

And parents are spending upwards of $5,000 on these. So like right now, my youngest son, Roman, applied to 14 colleges. Why? I don't know. But we've heard from about four to five. We are still waiting on others. We're not doing any of this. No. I'm not going to be doing any of this. And again, why is everything so performative? Yeah.

That's what I was going to say. When it said, and they often take photos and post it on social media, that's the whole game. That's the only thing they care about. I mean, here's the deal. Shut the fuck up. This is stupid. If you do it, you're stupid. Congratulations to your child for getting in. I mean, when my kids got in, I was like, oh, yay, great. That was it. That was the list. I mean, it's just...

Everything is about performance. And then now we're doing the whole dorm room situation where you have a decorator go do the dorm room and you jazz it all up and it's tens of thousands of dollars. This is stupid. This is not preparing people for reality. This is not what happens. I blame 100% of this on the parents. 100%. Completely. And it's just such a...

But I see why Gen Z is always so risk adverse and always like terrified to do things because every time you get on the internet, you're seeing this perfectly curated version of somebody who's living a parallel life from you. And this mother is doing all of this, you know,

overly decorating the room and exploding confetti, you know for sure they had gender reveal parties. That's where it started. Of course. And I bet they have a bunch of Stanley Cups too. Yeah. But then think about the majority of kids like maybe their parents can't afford to send them to college or they don't want to take on student loans or

And they're going to, you know, maybe a Votek school or maybe they're taking a gap year. Maybe they're just immediately going to work or I don't know. I just think that we are just constantly highlighting this path that somebody somewhere wrote that this has to be the only American path that everybody has to go down.

And then I just think there's a lot of emptiness behind all of that. I completely agree. There's just not a lot of substance to that. If you want your friends to know where your kid's going to school, take a picture. So-and-so is going to so-and-so place. I mean, just all this, the balloons and all the money and the time, it just seems inefficient, ineffective, and stupid to me. Yeah. All right. We've got that figured out. I think this is stupid, the college kid thing. The whole thing's stupid. Okay. Okay.

Listener, today we have a big day. This is, we have a great guest. I mean, like a really, really, really good guest. When we first started the podcast a couple of years ago, we made a list of guests that we would like to have. And this guest was near the top of it, as was Barack Obama, which we died laughing when we put him on the list because we knew that we would never, ever, ever interview Barack Obama.

Much to our surprise. It's a shock. It's a shock to us mostly. We interviewed Barack Obama before we interviewed this person. That's right. Yeah. And so, but we love her. She is smart, fights the good fight, great liberal. Let's welcome to I've Had It. She's comedian, television host, six-time New York Times bestselling author and advocate, Chelsea Handler.

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This episode is supported by FX's Dying for Sex, starring Michelle Williams and Jenny Slate. Inspired by a true story, this series follows Molly, who after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis, decides to leave her husband to explore the full breadth of her sexual desires.

She gets the courage and support to go on this sex quest from her best friend, Nikki, who stays by her side through it all. FX's Dying for Sex, all episodes streaming April 4th on Hulu. All right, let's welcome to Asshole Island, Chelsea Handler. Chelsea, how are you? Oh my God, welcome. Thank you for having me at Asshole Island, on Asshole Island. I love assholes and I love islands. Yeah.

Exactly. This is a place where we can all come to celebrate petty grievances and be the counter-programming to toxic positivity, self-help, all the stuff, because it's just exhausting. It's exhausting being on the internet right now. It's exhausting being an American. Toxic positivity is a real thing. I hear you. Yes. All right, Chelsea, what have you had it with?

Oh, God. I mean, a lot of men, you know, flip flip flops for sure. People talking to me. I'm not even talking to me, but people talking to each other on planes.

That I find annoying when people try to get to know each other. I find people at airports with no sense of urgency annoying when they're at the airport and they're just looking around or they have a water bottle going through TSA. It's like, was the last flight before 9-11? How can you possibly think in this day and age that a full jug of water is acceptable to go through TSA? You haven't gotten that memo yet.

What else do I find annoying? People who are really rude to service people. I've had it with that. And I will say something to a stranger. I've actually get off on that. So like if you're around me in a restaurant or on a plane and you're rude, then you're going to hear about it from me. And that's always an unwelcome, you know, exchange for that person.

I've had it with Donald Trump and Elon Musk, obviously. I had it with them before they even really took office. I mean, there's not much I haven't had it with. Right. When we emailed with you prior, you mentioned something about having it with dog parks. Oh, yeah. I've had some of my worst exchanges there.

in the world, in my life at dog parks. I talk about, my new book is out. I talk about that in my new book about rescuing my most recent dog. His name is Doug. He's a black chow chow. He's so sexually charged. I mean, not with me, but I just find him so attractive and debonair. But when I went to go meet up with him to have a viewing of Doug, I ran into a man at a dog park

And I tell the story in my book, but it was pretty, pretty ridiculous. And he was a gay man. And I've established a lot of goodwill with most of the gay people in America and abroad. So for him, for him, he, this guy went off on me. And then once he realized who I was, he doubled down and was like, I think the last thing he said to me was you're a whore Chelsea Hamlet. And it was 10 a.m.

on like a Friday morning at a dog park in Brentwood. And then I just, obviously that was just so funny and ridiculous because obviously if you're screaming at somebody at a dog park and calling them a whore, you've got some problem. I want to get back. So you, you adopted Doug, but you went to view him first. Was this clandestinely viewing? Were you watching him play with somebody else before you decided to get him?

It's a showing, a dog showing, like what you do when you go see a house. That was a potential buy. I have a thing for chow chows. That's my type. Okay. So they brought me two chows. One is called a blue chow, but they're not blue. They're gray. Okay. And then they have a black chow. And obviously we know my propensity towards black men. So there was no decision to make. Okay.

So, you know, we have really attractive dogs, too. And I think very photogenic dogs, great personalities, very congenial, very attractive. And it's great around the house when you have a really attractive dog. But I find it really annoying in public because then your dog's so attractive, it invites conversations that you really don't want to participate in.

Yeah, no shit. I don't want, I don't bring my dog to half of the places I go because I don't want to deal with all of the attention he's getting. I'm already trying to be incognito. I don't want someone asking me about my dog. So I just pretend. So I bring him when I need a buffer.

like if i need an excuse to get out of a place sooner then i would like you know like sooner than later i'll bring him and they'll go i have to go doug you know it's a great excuse to get out of things but it's also a real pain in the ass if you're just like randomly i totally hear you when i'm in whistler in the winter which i usually am when i walk down with him in the village and people think he's a bear i had three five-year-old australian girls going oh daddy it's a bear she has a

I'm like, oh my God. And so it's cute, but you know, I don't really invite those kinds of interactions. Right. You know, it says these are interactions where people don't take into account the feelings of the listener. And I find myself in this situation all the time where somebody is just sharing their

a lot of information, a lot of detail about their life. And as they're expressing this, I think, are they not thinking about my feelings? Are you not taking into account the feelings of the listener about how breathtakingly boring this conversation is? I couldn't agree with you more. It's like when people, it's almost like,

There are so many situations where people say things that are so stupid that you just want to go, really? Like you didn't edit that. And like when, when people come up to me and, or, and they don't, they recognize me, but they don't know exactly from where. And they'll say, are you famous? Yeah.

Like, who are you? And how is one supposed to react to some sort of question like that? Am I supposed to list all of my credits like an asshole and be like, well, you may have seen me in, you know, can you imagine? And so I just don't understand how you could possibly say to someone, are you famous?

That is the dumbest thing ever. There was an article recently that people that engage in small talk have a lower IQ than people that despise small talk. And I was like, that confirms right here that we're all so smart because I despise small talk. I won't go to places because I'm like, it's a small talk yak fest. I'm out.

Yeah. As soon as the weather comes up, I've even, I'm guilty of it. Like when I'm real desperate, I will bring up the weather just if I'm in an elevator and someone's like taking me to the next floor for something and they work for the place that I'm going to, like, I have to, like, if it's a podcast and they're, you know, they have someone meet me in the lobby. And then as soon as the weather comes up, even if it's my, like, if it's, I initiate it, I have to stop talking because I'm so disappointed in myself.

Does silence bother you? Like in an elevator or something like that? See, I start talking because the silence makes me nervous.

Yeah, I think that's why we all do it. But I think it's really good to get comfortable with silence and not try to interrupt it because then it's almost a game. After I went to therapy for a while and my psychiatrist was like, listen, you don't have to be the center of attention at every dinner party. Hang back. Don't insert yourself. Not everyone needs your opinion. And I remember going to a few dinner parties after that really...

trying not to like, you know, talk like going, okay, don't be the reason. You don't have to be the center of attention. You don't have to be the life of the party. Just sit back and let someone else handle that. It was brutally boring when I did that. Like if I don't do it, I'm not interested. You didn't realize how much fun you were. I know. I know. I'm always reminded. I'm like, you are the party. You might, you might as well bring it, you know?

So there are these rumors, these pictures of you with a very distinguished, handsome British. Which one? Which one? There's so many rumors. I can't keep up. The Brit, Ralph Fiennes, Fiennes. I don't know how you say his name. Ralph Fiennes. Yeah. No, we just left the party together. Did you make out with him? Did you make out? No, I did not. No? We left the party together and we went to another party together and we were with a large group of people. Nothing romantic ensued. Although I love...

I love how everybody is rooting for that. I think he's, I think he's pretty hot. I do too. Yeah. I think it's really hot. And I like the accent, you know, we, we live in Oklahoma city, so we're very easily impressed by accents, you know, it's like, Oh my gosh, because everybody here just has a Southern accent. And so it's always so impressive for us.

My assistant, Karen, from like, she's been my assistant for over 10 years now. She was my assistant for nine years. She left to have a baby. She thought that she didn't want to expose me to her child rearing. And I appreciated that. And now that the baby is two, she's returned. And she's from Enid, Oklahoma. Oh, my gosh. Yes. So I have a big connection to Oklahoma via my assistant, Karen. Does she tell you it's just Magaville, USA around here?

Well, she definitely is disappointed with the politics of Oklahoma, as you women are. And I appreciate how disappointed you guys are. It's a very great representation of Oklahoma for you guys to have your own podcast and have it be so popular. You're doing the Lord's work. And I know the Lord is someone that a lot of Oklahomans believe in. So...

It's true. Yeah, it's true. I mean, it's a really big it's kind of neck to neck Jesus and Trump. I mean, they're kind of in a neck to neck race. Yeah. Can you imagine Jesus being supportive of Donald Trump? I love when Christianity and religion is obfuscated with our president as if like as if somebody.

sending people out of this country and deporting people. That's very Christian, discriminating against people who are transgender and gay and women and of color. I mean, honestly, there is nothing less Christian. Well, you know, the breed of Christianity in the Bible Belt is different. In the Bible Belt, these people are primed to support Donald Trump.

You have these really horrible architecture-built churches where the whole idea is to grift. They accept Venmo. The pastor is a liar, a con man. And it is a total – it's basically just like Trumpism. There's a cruelty to it. There is other rising people demonizing trans people, demonizing gay people, and most importantly, the worship of capitalism.

in these churches. And so for me, because I'm an atheist and was raised by atheists in the buckle of the Bible belt. So for me, when I see the jump from people go from being evangelicals to Trump supporters, to me, it makes perfect sense. The through line is just right there. Pumps was raised evangelical and has deconstructed her faith. And yeah, no shit.

It's amazing I'm as normal as I am, and that's not very normal. It's the low bar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tell by the coat that you're wearing and the color that you're transitioning out of that evangelical behavior. So good for you, girls. I mean, stick together, please. We need you. Totally. Okay, Chelsea, we're going to play a game with you called Hat It or Hit It. Okay. Oh, my God. Welcome to Hat It or Hit It. I would hit it. Hat it.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Okay. Had it or hit it psychedelics? Had it. And we'll continue. Oh, I've hit it. Sorry. Sorry. Hit it, hit it, hit it, hit it every day. I mean, yesterday I woke up. Honestly, I was in Seattle. I had a book signing in Seattle. I had to fly here. I got off the plane, had to go to my trainer, got my hair color done, then had to do another interview. And I

I woke up yesterday morning in Seattle and I was like, how am I going to get through this day? Because it's been like 14 days in a row. And I rolled over, grabbed a micro dose of LSD and said, let's get after our day. So I am always about to hit it. That is my Emma. I love that. You know, my husband is a recovering opioid addict and he had taken SSRIs for years and didn't really have a lot of success. And I know some people have great success on antidepressants, but he really didn't.

So he started doing ketamine therapy through a medical doctor. It's legal in Oklahoma, if you can believe it, but he goes to the doctor. I can't believe that. I can't believe it. And so was weed. Anyway, intravenously, like once a month, and it completely transformed my

the way he organized his trauma in his brain and he it has been so helpful for him in maintaining his sobriety and at first when he came home and he was like i think i need to do psychedelics i'm like you i've been to five family weeks and you're coming home and telling me you want to take drugs to treat your drug addiction you

And then I'm watching Anderson Cooper one night on 60 Minutes. And he's like, John Hopkins University is talking about microdosing psilocybin. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm gonna have to go say sorry. So I walk up to Josh and I'm like, hey, I'm really, really sorry. But I think you're right about this. Anyway, so he started doing this and quit taking SSRIs. And it has been a complete disaster.

game changer in him sustaining his sobriety and finding serenity and happiness. So I'm a huge believer in this, in this microdosing. Oh my God, I love this story. This is such a success story. I couldn't agree more. I mean, so many people who have real trauma and actually participate, whether it's microdosing, whether it's

you know, guided therapy. I have a lot of friends. I live in Canada usually during the wintertime and the best and cleanest drugs are up there. And I have a friend who's a doctor and she's married to, she's a therapist and he's a doctor. And these guys do sits with people like psilocybin sits, ketamine sits, MDMA sits for couples and the results are incredible. So it's indisputable that

that those kinds of drugs help heal trauma and drug addiction. Okay. Chelsea had it, which means you don't like it. Thank you for reiterating the rules of the game because I'm a little bit slow on the uptake sometimes. I didn't have my LSD today. All right. Had it or hit it sexting.

Uh, no, I've had it with sexting. I find that I don't find that sexy. I like flirting, but I don't want like someone's, I don't want to dick pic and I don't want someone being like, I'm going to, you know, eat your pussy. I don't, I don't want to talk like that. You know what I mean? Those texts are, I just assume anything you put in writing is going to end up publicly. Right. So I don't want to be like, I can't wait to, you know, like that kind of talk is better just left for the bedroom. I agree. I agree. In person. Okay. Had it or hit it Canada.

I hit it always. I love Canada. It's my favorite place. And I consider myself to be a Canadian. I love Canada. What do you think about all this bullshit people are doing to Canada to just make you want to tear your hair out?

Yeah, I feel like I have to go represent and apologize to the entire country. I just can't believe that we are treating our neighbors like that. Like, it is so clear what is going on. Like, we are basically acting in Russia's best interest now because these are all Russian interests. So the idea of Canada, which has basically no military defense against us,

becoming our 51st state is so disrespectful and so insulting. So, I mean, I just am constantly trying to make nice with Canadians. There's only like 35 million of them. You know what I mean? And we have like 340 million people. So we really need to get on it in terms of supporting them. Like, what are we going to do? Invade Canada? Like, is that what's going to happen? Our military is going to do that? I don't think so.

Well, I think that we have a situation where Donald Trump is completely compromised by Vladimir Putin and has hired Elon Musk to be Donald Trump's full-time nanny. And Republicans during the election like to ask the question, are you better off today than you were four years ago, completely forgetting that we were all like locked up from COVID and millions of people were dying.

But I think we have to start asking the question now, are you better off today than you were on January 19th? Like, think about the complete historic realignment that is happening. 80 years of peacemaking and democracy building that we've done is being flushed down the toilet because Donald Trump is compromised by a weak thug who's

dictator Putin. And it's just, it's so maddening. I mean, we have another podcast where we talk about politics all the time. And it's like completely beating me down because I want to pull my hair out by the root. It's so frustrating that half the country is so goddamn dumb.

I know, I know. But I have to believe that more than half the country like overturning democracy is okay, like, you know, it happened in Iran, as it happens, and it's happening in Venezuela, it's been happening in Venezuela for many years, we're talking about countries that have a lot fewer people than we do. So

with 340 million people, I just keep thinking it's impossible to overturn democracy with that many people, even though the Democrats don't seem to have some sort of resistance plan. We haven't developed that yet. But that is what I'm thinking. Like, at

At some point, there's got to be. I don't think it's possible to do that. Like either whether we whether certain states secede from the union or what. But like we just that's just not going to happen. People aren't going to put up with that. And I'm eager to find out what our move is because I'm not sure I can steer at it.

Do you have any worry about the elections? Yes. Yes. I think Elon Musk is now in charge of, you know, I worry about it. I think the algorithms, everything he does, the misinformation, I can't believe these tech bros and all of the things that they're doing just to keep, it's like, I just don't understand how these billionaires know.

need more money. Like when is enough money? You're never going to spend $400 billion. It's impossible. I mean, especially when you don't give any away in charity or do any philanthropy, it would be really hard to burn through that. So talk, you know, like I really don't, I just can't believe the genuflection that has been happening since he took office.

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I love inspirational quotes. My book is filled with them because I just think people need an injection of optimism. I know when I read something that sticks with me, I love that. Like, I like a little positivity. There's too much negativity around right now, so I'm very much into kind of

infusing everywhere. Like wherever I go, I want to double down with that stuff, with everything. I mean, I'm not setting out to make, you know, to say things that are quotable, but when I read things from other people that are quotable, I love that. I'm like, wow, that's something every woman needs to hear, especially when it's directed towards women. Okay. Here's a nuance of this. You go to somebody's Instagram page and at the top, it says like,

live, laugh, love. Jesus is my homeboy and has a sunflower and a cross. Right. And then it's full of inspirational quotes, but on yours, they've written, you know, Chelsea, you are,

demon, krat, transgender lover. Can't wait for you to burn in hell. But her whole Instagram, the whole facade is this inspirational quote thing. We here on asshole Island believe that when you see people that traffic in inspirational quotes, particularly in a performative manner online, that it is a red flag, much the same way when couples that live together have conversations in the comment section online, also a red flag.

I also believe that's a red flag. Yeah, any couple. Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. And there's a lot of examples of that very public examples of that. Yeah. Okay. Had it or hit it flight attendants.

I have never I've no I I hit it. I love flight attendants. I dedicated my entire new book to them. They do not get enough respect. These people put up with garbage and nonsense and inebriated people and men with fucking bare feet on planes. Okay, they deserve raises and they deserve to drink and do drugs while they're transporting us from one location to the next.

Yeah, I loved it when they got to duct tape people during COVID. I was like, go for it because people are awful. They act terrible. As if you would be mad at a flight attendant about the rules on a flight. I once had a guy next to me tell on me because I didn't, I had my phone on and I was listening to something during takeoff. I'm like, and he flagged the flight attendant to tell on me.

we're both adults. I'm sitting right next to him. It's like, if we're in like, you know, fucking Catholic school or something. And the flight attendant was like, sir, she's right here. If you want her to take her headphones off or take off, which by the way, is a, not a thing. You can actually listen to something while you're taking off. I mean, maybe not now with the way the FAA is being organized by Doge and Elon Musk. Maybe you should turn your, your, your phone or your program off. But,

I, my, the flight attendant was like, I'm not ever going to fuck with Chelsea. Like I've got their back and they've got my back and passengers can, you know, I don't like when people tell on each other as adults. It's so stupid. Okay. Had it or hit it pickleball.

Oh, I've had it with pickleball. Chelsea. I've had it. I've won a tournament in pickleball. Okay. You know what? Most recent tournament, I was a semi-finalist, which means hashtag almost a winner. Which means you're almost an exerciser. Okay. I need to make it to you. Okay.

That pickleball is not a real sport and everyone needs to stop acting like it is. I can understand that there's fun to be had, but it is not a real, it's not that it's not a demonstration of athleticism. Have you played?

I have played. I played at the Bush compound in Kennebunkport with George W. Bush watching me play. I was very stoned, obviously, because I can't do it without Republicans without having some drugs in my system. But I didn't play for long because there was really nothing to do because it was pickleball. So you just stand there and wait, and then usually not much happens. What's George W. Bush like in person?

He's pretty charming in person. He's got dimples and always gets me. So, but I had to go. I was in Maine and I'm friends with his daughters and every, they were like, come over, we'll do a pickleball tournament. I'm like, I can't go to George W. Bush's house. I said to Barbara Bush, his daughter, I'm like, Sissy, I can't be seen with your father. I have outbursts. I don't know when they're going to happen. I don't know when I'm going to go off on someone. And your father, I would hate to do that. I'm,

On his own property. You know what I mean? I would hate to be a guest and be like, hey, asshole. And so my brother was like, can you just take one of your edibles? You know, my sister's like, take two. And my other sister's like, take four. Because that's when your personality is really subdued.

So I did. I took like 40 milligrams of THC and I went there. I met the president. He was very charming. He wanted me to like him. He paid attention to my family in a very nice, respectful way, the way a politician is trained to do. He duped me and then he showed me his artwork, his painting collection. You know, it's so funny about, I used to just, I hated him and I had so much focus for eight years, a very concentrated myopic person.

hate onto him. And then, you know, we got Obama and it was, you know, hope and change. Everybody's great. And then you get Trump again. And then during Trump's first term, uh,

W comes back out and he's painting portraits of immigrants. And I remember this moment and I go, Oh, George W. Bush, how sweet is that? It's like it all just dissipated. All of this focus of me, like literally grinding up John Stewart every night from the buckle of the Bible belt, snorting it, anything I could do to just dislike Donald Trump.

I mean, not Donald Trump, him. That's where I am right now. But George W. Bush. And then they get out of office and they don't have that power anymore. And they don't have that. They don't occupy as much real estate in your brain anymore. Don't get me wrong. I still think he's a war criminal, not the best president. But I think I could probably go play pickleball with him.

But also, well, we have so much like it's so much worse now. What Republicans mean is so much more threatening out to democracy that it kind of takes the you know what I mean? It's like overshadows him like he does seem like a nice guy. Right. Totally. OK, last one. Had it or hit it. The United States of America.

Well, I'm not going to say I've had it with the country that I was born in and that I live in, but I'm very disappointed in everything that's going on. I'm very worried about all the people who feel so scared and threatened, and I'm worried about all of this private information that's going to be exposed and all of the people in government agencies that are losing their jobs. So, I mean, I could see I have...

Like, you know, I could see a way like I could see myself leaving if things get so bad. But I really don't want to bail on my country and I don't want to bail on the people that like, you know, depend on people who are outspoken and have big platforms to defend democracy. I I just I don't want to say I'm exhausted because but I mean, I am. We all are. But I'm not ready to give up.

Yes. I like that answer. That's a really good answer. I like it. It's a very good answer. And I hope that you're right about the 340 million people and not...

able to hoodwink us and make this an autocracy. All right, Chelsea, tell us, you dropped little nuggets about your Netflix comedy special, which I can't wait for. And then we have, we have your book. It's great. Your books are really good to show to our viewer. Are you to have what she's having? That's the name of my book. There she is. And then my special comes out March 25th. It's called the feeling that's, um, and that's on Netflix. And,

And yeah, yeah, I'm celebrating my 50th birthday with lots of new releases and I've got lots of stuff lined up for this year. So I'm very, very happy that I got to sit down with the two of you wonderful women and talk and bash our situation or bash our leadership.

I'm so glad we did too. And we have a mutual friend, Renee Stubbs, who I've really had it with because when Trump was inaugurated, I follow her on Instagram. She's like at the Australian Open and then she's on the beach and then she's with all these hot power lesbians with, you know, floating on tubes and she's doing all this fun stuff. And I would just, I would just reply like, this is insufferable. I can't watch you having fun for one more second and one more day. But how great is Renee? Yeah.

Renee's great. She came to Whistler for my party there. She came to LA. She came to New York City. I had a party in New York City. And then I said, you know what? I don't see why you're not at every party. You should come to my birthday party in LA too. And she's like, okay, I'll book a flight. And I'm like, well, that wasn't very difficult. So yeah, she likes to get around for sure. And she's a real piece of work. Yeah. She's the best. She'll love this. She will love this mention of her in the closing of this episode. Chelsea,

Thank you so much for coming on our show. When we started our podcast two years ago, we made a list of dream guests and you were like probably top five. Barack Obama was there and we thought, well, we'll never get Barack Obama. We got Barack Obama before we got you. So thank you so much for finally coming on. Oh my God, I didn't know that. I have to go look back and listen to that episode right now. I fucking can't wait. Now he's hot. I mean, Chelsea, he is hot. Listen, you don't have to tell me about hot black men. No.

I got that message and memo a long time ago, probably way before you girls did in Oklahoma, to be fair. Touche. All right. Thanks, Chelsea. Tell Renee hi. Thanks, Chelsea. Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Congrats on all your success. Thank you. Happy birthday. Bye. Thank you. Chelsea Handler.

You know, it's so weird because I watched her on Chelsea Lately every night forever. And she's just like she is on the show. She's just normal and funny and smart. And I love all her specials. I'm excited for her special. That'll give me something to look forward to. This was Kylie's top guest that she wanted Kylie.

How was that for you? Good. I was so nervous. You were? I'm not even a part of it, but I was just back here like, I hope I'm doing a good job. Were you excited? Yes. It was Chelsea Handler Day when I woke up. That's what Anna said to me. She said, it's Chelsea Handler Day. Oh, that's sweet. I heard you giggling. I mean, she's fucking funny. She's so funny. No, she's great. And she's so pretty. So pretty. Yeah. Yeah. She's really, I really like her. I think...

I think we're, you know, doing big things here on Asshole Island. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, listen, here's the deal. We have another podcast, IHIP News, drops twice daily. Please go subscribe to that podcast. And remember that Pumps is America's top DEI podcaster. DEI hire. DEI hire. Yeah. Yeah.

And I think we have merch and we have a bunch of other shit. Just pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Listen up patriots, gay-triots and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube.

Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? A little bit more enthusiasm. That's it. That's, that's, that's the patriotism that this country needs right there.

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