Narcissistic Dead People
57:22 Share

Pumps, one of my top goals for 2025 is to save more and spend less. And one of the easiest ways a person can do this is by switching to Mint Mobile. It's amazing to me how fantastic Mint Mobile service is. And you can take your old phone and...

your old contacts with you. Plans start at just $15 a month when you purchase the three-month plan. Listeners, say bye-bye to your overpriced wireless plans, jaw-dropping monthly bills, and unexpected overages. Mint Mobile is here to rescue you with premium wireless plans starting at $15 a month.

All plans come with high-speed data and unlimited talk and text delivered on the nation's largest 5G network. Use your own phone with any Mint Mobile plan and bring your phone number along with all of your existing contacts. To get this new customer offer and your new three-month unlimited wireless plan for just $15 a month, go to mintmobile.com slash mintmobile.

Had it. That's mintmobile.com slash had it. Cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com slash had it. $45 upfront payment required. That's the equivalent of $15 a month. New customers on first three-month plan only. Speeds slower above 40 gigabytes. On unlimited plan, additional taxes, fee, and restrictions apply. See Mint Mobile for details.

So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gaitriots, Thaitriots. Caw, caw, caw. I have some really sad news. My cat, Kitsky, aka Catsky, died peacefully in her sleep and she lived a good life. She was 17 years old.

I know that we had covered her journey, her feline journey into old age exclusively on this podcast. But I do want to say this. When you have a pet for a long time and they're just kind of always there in your house. And then I searched in my photo roll with my sons and my husband last night, Kat, and

And then you have like two decades worth of photographs with this animal. It's really sad when they're gone. Yeah, it's really sad because when you see pictures of like your kids when they were little –

with her, it's like, oh my gosh, she's been around for so many different steps in life, changes. It is sad. And I, when you tell me, I immediately felt guilty because I've been harboring this. Wanted to kill her. You know, her quality of life has, or her quantity of life has outlived her quality of life. And so I just, I'm sorry about that. And it was traumatic how you found her. It's okay. It's okay. And I know that like,

You know, that you loved Kitsky deep down. Yeah, I loved her for you because you loved her. Did the share with our listener? Well, listener, let me just tell you. So the vet had to come to my house to pick up her body. And I'm there and she's like, let's say goodbye to her. And I reached down and I was like, you're a good kitty.

And then the vet like rubbed on her. She goes, and I just shaved her, you know, because she couldn't groom. And I looked at the vet and I said, that's probably what killed her. Well, and I took my dog to the vet yesterday for x-rays and both the veterinarian and the vet tech said,

extended their condolences to me about your cat. And I was like, I know it's sad, but we were ready. If they only knew. No, it's, you know, when somebody, it's always sad when you lose an animal because it's like the fragility of life and, you know, your mortality and you have these animals that live with you and they, for the most part, bring you just an abundance of joy. Yeah.

So anyway, my cat is gone. Long live Kitsky. Do you think you'll get another cat? No, no, no. I'm not going to get another cat. Roman asked me this very question. I could see if I outlived Josh, maybe like the last 10 years of my life, having a house that's on some land and having a lot of animals. Right. Right.

I would think those animals would all be French Bulldogs, though. Yes, but I wouldn't mind having, like, have you seen those little cats have those little short legs and are real fluffy? Oh, I haven't. Yeah, they're super cute. Now, I mean, listen, I don't know. Right now, I'm not going to get another cat. You know, I've got these two dogs. I've got Josh. Josh.

You know, I've got a lot going on. But so what have you had it with? Okay. What I've had it with is I've had like this head cold for two weeks. Me too. It's ridiculous. And I wake up in the morning, Jennifer, and I tell you what, I wake up, my throat and my mouth are so dry. It's like somebody painted it with chalk. Same. You would think that we've been French kissing. I know. I mean, we haven't, but we could have been. And then not only...

Is my throat and mouth, are my throat and mouth dry and chalky? It tastes like the biggest dog on the planet has come and taken a big steaming dump in my mouth. And I wash, I mean, I mouthwash, I brush, I scrape, and the entire day,

I still feel like my breath could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. And I was at the vet yesterday and she was trying to show me some x-rays. And so we were kind of having to lean in. And I have to put my hand over my mouth. And I was like, I am so sorry. I know my breath is terrible. I mean, it is awful. You can just taste it. And I'm sick of it. And I've had it. And I want it to stop. And I can only imagine the snoring that's going along with my open mouth breathing sleep. I mean, I'm sure...

It is a freight train. Wow. Yeah. Wow. I mean, the description of how bad your breath is about the dog. Yeah. Wow. I mean, you know, here's the problem. You know, we're secretly behind your back. The producers and I are trying to market you on dating websites. And so this goes, this is like not good for the branding that we're trying to put out into the universe. Date this hot dog.

Podcaster, you know, America's favorite podcaster, America's Meemaw, Legal Eagle, Meat Curtain, all the stuff. Maybe a little overselling. Princess Diana. And then we just have a description about a dog taking a literal dump in your mouth and then you parading around having conversations with people after that. Right. With my hand over my mouth. Oh, yeah.

And here's the thing. She's like, I can't smell your breath. And I'm like, what are you going to say if you could smell my breath? You're not going to say, oh, my God, your breath is terrible. But I just I have that film in my mouth all day long. It doesn't matter how much mouthwashing, brushing, scraping. I'm just I've had it. I need to get over it. Thank you for all those details. Thank you on behalf of me and the listener that there's no happy ending there either. No, it's not getting better. Right.

Okay, let me tell you what I've had it with. And you experienced this with me. And I just want to bring this to everybody's attention because we have to move and we have to move fast. There is something going on at arenas or venues that host people for like, let's say a basketball game, a concert, a tennis match, etc. Where you go to the concession stand and you buy a bottle of water.

And then the concession stand worker says, would you please remove the lid and hand it back to me? And they're basically making you buy a bottle of water and then give the lid back to them because they don't want the lids in the arena.

There is no good reason. There is zero reason for this, that you would take somebody's lid. Because here's my thinking on this entire thing. The reason why you get the bottle of water is you can screw the lid on tightly, stick it down. If somebody kicks it over because people are up and down, going to the bathroom, in your case, going to scrape your tongue and gargolisterine, all this stuff that's going on, right? Right.

This bottle has no lid on it, so it gets knocked over. And then you got some klutz that comes by and then bites it. The lawsuits are going to be far, far worse. So I don't know what the reasons are. Kyla, if you'll start researching, Googling...

I can guarantee you there's not a good reason for this. It's not like you're outside at Madison Square Garden and some bird is flocking in and choking on the water bottle lid. I mean, we're already drinking out of plastic, for God's sake. Right. Oh, my God. The lid is the problem. And this has happened to me. It happened to me once.

I had a tennis match at the Labor Cup in London. I couldn't have my lid on. And then when we went to the Oklahoma City Thunder versus the New York Knicks for the permanent record, the Thunder annihilated the Knicks. And the New Yorkers were really, really salty about it, which gave us a lot of bonus points in that regard. But I ended up – I never drink soda ever. Never.

Ever. And I ended up drinking a Sprite so that it could have a lid because I didn't want this rogue water splashing around pumps. You know, you've trip and fall all the time. I did that for your safety. Right? No, totally. And I've had that happen to me too. And what I can't get over is why are you taking the lid off the water?

But allowing the lid on the soft drinks, like, I don't understand that. That makes no sense. There's no symmetry to that. I don't know who started this, but here's what I predict. I predict there were some people scrambling jets around a table. Oh, yeah. And they were bored and they decided that they were going to commit violence that day. Yeah.

And they took the lids away from all of us and then just snowball effects. And then one arena does it and another arena does it and another arena does it. And here's what's going to happen. Hide and watch. You're going to have all this spilled water all over the place. And then all of a sudden you're going to have broken hips, broken wrists, broken a lot of stuff, concussions, banging on the steps. Yeah.

And then there's going to be a class action lawsuit. And let me tell you who the attorney for the class action lawsuit is going to be. It is going to be America's legal eagle, attorney at law, Pumps. Well, I would say I'd probably be more likely to be a litigant and one of the claimants because I did, when I got a water at a soccer game in London, no lid, I put it underneath my seat. Knocked it over. Immensely.

I immediately knocked it over, got my purse all wet, walked through it. I'm surprised I didn't fall head first down the stairs, but I do. It worries me that it's like I'm going to slip. And now I'm like, because I did fall the other day, I'm super paranoid about it. So I just threw the water away. I was like, I cannot be trusted with water. Let me ask you this. In the lawsuit that is going to be imminent, that we're organizing, can you both be a litigant and a lawyer? Yeah.

You know what they say about that? A lawyer that represents themselves has a fool for a client.

So I would say no. I could either be the lawyer or the litigant. Because you're no fool. I'm no fool. Well, that might be an overstatement. But in that particular capacity, I'm no fool. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. Kylie, what'd you find out about the lids? I found out that it is because it's a safety issue and people use water bottles with the lid on tight, full of liquid as weapons.

Bullshit. Okay, but here's the thing. Why couldn't you use a bottle of soda for the exact same reason? Because they give you the lid with the soda. Well, because I think then you can beat. But here's the thing. Here's...

That's the dad. That is no good reason because what's going to happen are these slips. We're going to have concussions. We're going to broken wrists, broken arms, broken shoulders, broken hips, a lot of things. We're going to have a lot of medical problems. And I just want to say right now that if this happened to you, contact what's your meet curtain? Meet curtain. Meemaw law firm. Isn't that right? Meet curtain. Meemaw. Or no, is it meemaw? Meemaw. What is it?

What was it? 1-800-meatflap? Meatmaw. Meatmaw. Yeah. 1-800-meat. People even made jingles for this. Meatcurtainlaw. Yeah. That is, okay, here's the deal. If I, I'm, I think I could take a beating from a water bottle and I think I could, maybe I'd get a bruise or two. I think I could survive it.

I think it's more dangerous to slip down those stairs in an arena. I do too. It makes no sense. I want to know who came up with this idea. I want more information. And it's not just the United States because this has happened in the UK. Right. And the United States. And I'm just going to tell you right here, we have had it. We're not going to stand for it. And it trumps America if there's one bloody thing the Democrats could do. If you could just give us one little victory.

Get us our caps back on our water bottles for God's sake. Let's start small. Yeah. Just small changes every day. Yeah. That would, that would buy me about 10 hours of not worrying. Maybe five. I was going to say, yeah, 10 is generous. Yeah. All right. Kylie, what's going on on the internet? I've got two reviews for you today. And this one is titled A Masterclass in Chewing People Out. Five stars from the Queer Cajun.

And they write, no one is safe from the verbal lashings of Meemaw Meat Curtains and Blessica. And honestly, thank God.

My favorite part of every Tuesday and Thursday morning is cooking breakfast while y'all chew out every corner of the American population. From influencers and small talk to yoga instructors and Facebook moms, you two somehow say exactly what I'm thinking before I even knew it. I mean, you know what? I thank you. It's a service. It is, you know.

So it's all of this toxic positivity is nauseating, not sustainable. I've had it. It's disgusting. Shut up. Shut up. And I love the name. Was it Queer Cajun? I love that. Yeah, that's a great name. Yeah, that's a good one.

Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid. In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say Pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now. Pumps, it's really important for me to get nutrient dense meals because I play so much tennis and pickleball, I notice if I don't get enough protein or if I eat, you

you know, non-healthy food. I really feel it and my game suffers. And you know, when you're a serious athlete like me, eating clean is so important. That's why I am so happy to have discovered CookUnity. I love CookUnity because it caters to your individual diet. So I like the GLP-1 plan meals. And I also, I'm very good about eating protein, but not so great about vegetables. So it helps. It gives you all that. And it's all-star chefs that make it and it's delicious. Yeah.

That's right. Choose from hundreds of meals made by, like Pump said, all-star chefs. Or let the app curate a menu based on your preferences. No cleanup or meal planning. Meals delivered fully cooked and ready to heat and eat in as little as five minutes.

Enjoy restaurant quality meals for a fraction of the price. Subscriptions start as low as $11 a meal. Listener, crush your health goals with nourishing, convenient, chef-curated meals delivered straight to your front door. Go to cookunity.com slash hadit and enter code HADIT before checkout for 50% off your first week.

That's 50% off your first week by using code HADIT or going to cookunity.com slash HADIT.

Listener, let's face it. Pumps and I are not spring chickens. And so we're on screen all the time. It seems like every time I open up an app, I'm like, oh my God, holy wrinkle, what is going on? And then the dry skin in the winter, yikes. Fortunately, the reason we look remotely presentable is because we've discovered Apostrophe. It is an online platform that connects you with an expert dermatology team to get you customized acne and dermatology treatment for your unique skin.

I have struggled with hormonal acne and so I sent selfies in and discussed it with the dermatology team at Apostrophe and they sent me a whole regimen that has really improved my skin and I really like it. Listener, you simply fill out an online consultation about your skin goals and medical history. Then snap a few selfies and a dermatology provider will create a customized treatment plan just for you.

And listen, we have a special deal for our audience. Get your first visit for only $5 at apostrophe.com slash had it. When you use our code had it, that's a savings of $15. This code is only available to our listeners to get started. Just go to apostrophe.com slash had it and click get started. Then use our code had it at sign up and you'll get your first visit for only $5.

Thank you, Apostrophe, for sponsoring this episode. It's true that some things change as we get older. But if you're a woman over 40 and you're dealing with insomnia, brain fog, moodiness, and weight gain, you don't have to accept it as just another part of aging. And with Midi Health, you can get help and stop pushing through it alone. The experts at Midi understand that all these symptoms can be connected to the hormonal changes that happen around menopause. And Midi can help you feel more like yourself again.

Many healthcare providers aren't trained to treat or even recognize menopause symptoms. Middie clinicians are menopause experts. They're dedicated to providing safe, effective, FDA-approved solutions for dozens of hormonal symptoms, not just hot flashes. Most importantly, they're covered by insurance. 91% of Middie patients get relief from symptoms within just two months.

You deserve to feel great. Book your virtual visit today at joinmidi.com. That's joinmidi.com.

All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay, this one's five stars titled, Kylie, My Dehydrated Queen. Hi, ladies. I'm disappointed to admit that I am a lackluster listener as I have been listening to your podcast and I'm a devoted cult member for over a year and I'm just now writing a review. Oh.

I want to dedicate this to Kylie, whose travel advice I have now adopted whenever I fly. I will never use the restroom on a plane, so I purposefully stop all intakes hours before my flight. Sure, I may look like a dehydrated wrinkly raisin, a.k.a. Meemaw meat curtains after a year with no Botox, but it's worth it. I love you all, and coming from a member of the LGBTQ plus community, thank you for standing up, not only for our community, but for all marginalized communities, especially during these frightening times. Keep it up.

What a great review. It's a great review. And here's the thing. This is not a popular opinion, but we've been pushing it. And I actually have – I've been beating this so long that I'm starting to really reap some results. So, you know, pumps back in the day, you guys, she'd get in my car and she had –

A Stanley, a backup Stanley. And this was before Stanley's. They were actually these really large styrofoam cups. And she'd have one and then another. It was like four beverages. Unless you had an RV, you would not have enough cup holders for all of the beverages she transported around. And this is when I just started getting really irritated with hydration.

combine that with the fact that when you go to any town with altitude, everybody's like, be sure to hydrate, be sure to hydrate. And I'm like, be sure to put a sock in it. Everybody knows quit talking about it. And so then the Stanley cup comes in and we all know what that leads to and all of this stuff. And then Kylie, this little angel enters my life who intentionally dehydrates. And I'm like, Oh my God, like,

I didn't ever take it far enough. Right. You were just on the cusp. I was like, I was at the appetizer and she was full-blown entree and dessert. Right. And so when Kylie just admitted on our podcast that she intentionally dehydrates, I was immediately envious and in awe. I was too. And I would like to report this. I have instituted a whole new policy on hydration.

Number one, I do not drink liquids after 6 p.m. Here, here, here, here. Yeah. I mean, none. If I eat dinner like at 630, I just choke it down. No liquid. Because if I get up to potty in the middle of the night, that means my dog has to get up and potty. So that means I'm schlepping out to super cold weather. So I've just been really focused. Intentionally dehydrating. Intentionally dehydrating. Tell them about the Stanley. Well.

Well, I would love to take credit that I'm not on the Stanley, but I stopped the Stanley because my girlfriend said her dermatologist said the straw makes you have more wrinkles. So I'm completely off the Stanley. Let me ask you this. None of it, none of the getting rid of the Stanley, 0% of it had to do with me browbeating it leading to Trumpism. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? No, I want the truth. No. 0%. 0%. 0%. It was the wrinkles. It was the wrinkles.

I'm not paying this much money for Botox and filler and all the other shit to sit around and Stanley straw my way in to worse wrinkles. I mean, I already smoked for 100 years. So I've got to start doing better on that. So now I've completely I'm off the Stanley dehydrating on purpose. Thank you, Kylie. You know what? Here's what I'm going to say about these arenas. They do. I didn't. I ended up not purchasing the water.

on principle. Because I'm like, I'm not, is there any discount for not getting the cap? Because I want the complete package. You get a dollar off. Right. How much are you going to deduct for removing that cap? Yeah. It's kind of like when you buy a cheeseburger, like I buy a cheeseburger and I put no cheese on it.

That's a hamburger. I mean, I know, but like it's when you order, like it's a number five with no cheese. So it's a cheese. You order the cheeseburger, but then you take the cheese off. So I've probably not taken, like I've made money for them all these years, not ordering cheese. So it's the same way with the lid and the bottle. They're profiting. Why are you laughing at me? Why are you laughing? Because...

You haven't made anybody any money. You've simply ordered a hamburger. I know, but I order off all the burgers on this one menu in town. Wait, you intentionally order a cheeseburger without cheese? Yes, because I don't have just like a plain hamburger option. So I order the no cheese. So I'm like, that's saving them 30 cents every time I order. But if I order a hamburger with cheese, you have to pay extra for the cheese.

But I'm not getting a discount for not ordering the cheese. Kylie, do you know what's going on? Are you okay? Look at the Brahms menu. Look it up right now. They do not have just a plain hamburger option. They do. Kylie, look it up. Look it up. Kylie, look it up. Yeah, you can order a hamburger. You can do that everywhere. I want to know what. No, but on the menu where it has all the menus pointed out, like boxed into different things. It's 420 calories. It's 20 fats. It's 39 carbs. It's the hamburger. Yeah, they have a hamburger.

Are you for real? Let me see that. Pumps every single burger joint has a cheeseburger and a hamburger. And when you order a cheeseburger minus the cheese, you're ordering a hamburger. I know. But I mean, from the drive-thru window, I didn't see...

Just a hamburger option. So you're out there just, you think in your mind, you're out there just helping corporate America. I am. I'm out there saving them a slice of cheese every time I get a hamburger at the drive-thru. Okay. Kylie, do you know what's going on? No, I don't. Okay. I love you. I really do. I've been bitter about that for years and now you're telling me I had no reason to be bitter. Yeah. You would just order the hamburger, the number one hamburger.

Yeah, but it comes with cheese. So you have to say no cheese. Okay. We're going to go through that in a minute. We're going to go to Brahms. We're going to fucking go to Brahms. And for those of you that don't know, Brahms is like a regional ice cream and burger shop. It's like Texas, Oklahoma. I don't know where else it is. All right. Anyway, I love you. We're going to go. You know what we're going to have for lunch today? Brahms. I'm going to have a cheeseburger. You can have a hamburger.

We're going to order it accordingly. Okay. I'm going to have Kylie come with us and film it for our social media. I think I'm going to prove that I'm right. Here's what you are. You are a cheeseburger influencer where you are really gaming the system by saying, I'll have the cheeseburger, no cheese. No cheese. And please charge me for the cheese. Okay.

They're like, okay, no, I demand that you charge me for the cheese. You put that cheese on my bill. I want that cheese charged. Like this whole time I've been mad about it. Okay. I have some news to share with you. Here's the headline. My five-year-old sister can't come to my wedding unless she sees a psychologist. What? A five-year-old?

When the couple told their exciting news to the kids, both the older ones were happy. Evie, however, was furious. The reason for her anger was a surprising one. She wrote...

She started crying and hitting me because she wanted to marry him. And if I marry him, she can't. She refused to speak to me for almost a week. And now she's mostly okay, but she gets mad at me and starts crying and hitting me anytime she sees me kiss him. She shared her feelings with her dad, explaining that she won't be allowed to attend the ceremony until she sees a child psychologist.

he's saying she doesn't need therapy. She's just a five-year-old with a crush on my fiance. I'm overreacting and she won't forgive me if I exclude her from the wedding. Yeah, I just kind of think you tell the five-year-old you're not going to act like an asshole at the wedding or you're not going. I think here's something that

Remember our toddler advocacy? Right. Yes. That we're starting. Right. A boarding school for toddlers. So here's... And we are like toddler safety advocates. Yes. Here's what I'm going to say. This involves a wedding. Right. And about five, six episodes ago, we identified places...

That's right.

You still need to go see a shrink, you little twat. I like it. I like that she has such high expectations of the child. It isn't just, you know, pumping rainbows and unicorns up the kid's ass all the time. It's what we used to call accountability before Trump's America. That's right. There used to be accountability for behavior. Okay. Here's one.

Research says dogs who have other dogs as friends live longer. A study from Arizona State University found that a dog's social support network significantly influences its health outcomes, with social companionship having a more substantial impact than other factors like financial conditions or the owner's age.

I don't know about anybody else's dog, but my dogs are gold diggers. Substantial impact than other factors like finance. Now, I will say that some pets can probably be like, you know,

Live in poverty. Right, right, right. Yes. Yes. Agree. But apparently dogs that have friends live longer. And I agree with this. It makes perfect sense. They're pack creatures. Well, and they just...

Having somebody like the isolation is what gets you human or dog apparently. Let me ask you this. How's your pack leadership going? Okay. It's better. I tried harder this weekend and he did a little bit better. He, oh, yesterday when I picked him up from school, it took me a lot longer than it took you, but I got him to sit after a while. He just gets so excited. He just comes out of his skin.

He's a really good boy. I think that this weekend we can take them to the cemetery. And I have something I've had it with. Listen up, listener. When I say that we take our dogs to the cemetery, there's a bunch of keyboard warriors that go apeshit bananas in the comment section. How dare you take your dogs to a cemetery and run over people's graves?

We are monsters and we are terrible people, but we do not let our dogs run over tombstones. Here's the layout, everybody, all of you busybodies, keyboard warriors. The layout of the cemetery is this. It's a huge, huge acreage and a part of it is developed and there's all the, you know, tombstones and deceased people that passed, et cetera. And

And then there's the part that they're going to grow into, which is this big open field that is gigantic, like 10 acres. There's not one dead body, not one tombstone anywhere, but it's on the cemetery compound. Everybody takes their dogs and runs there. Yes, everybody. So our dogs go and they run, not near the dead bodies. No, they're not even in the same. They're not even in the... I mean, they're like way far. It's a completely different area. And...

I just want it noted for the permanent record as well. When I'm dead, if dogs are running on top of my grave, it wouldn't upset me one bit. We don't do that. But number one, I wouldn't know it because I'm dead. And number two, I would want living things...

living their lives. Right. Because I'm dead. I wouldn't be a narcissistic dead person. Right. I prefer narcissism in life. What about that? Narcissistic dead people is what they're campaigning for in the comments section. Yeah. Well, a lot of people are dumb. Dead people, narcissism. Yeah. I mean, you would think that it could finally end at some point.

I feel like it's never going to end. All right. That's all we have for the news today. I think we have voice memos. Kylie, who's first? We do. Up first is Wesley, and he's seeking some advice. Oh, good. Hello, my mothers. I know this is a podcast about grievances, but at this point, y'all are like my life coaches. So here's the question for you all. What do you do when your best friend starts dating somebody that you cannot stand?

So in the past, my philosophy has always been tell my friend once, never bring it up again unless they bring it up.

God, like I cannot stand. Jen, what did you do when Pumps was married to her husband? I don't want to be in the same room as this person. I don't want to be in the same car. I don't want to breathe the same air. I don't want to be socially associated with them. I mean, when I even think about it, my heart rate is like Tucker Carlson when Obama wore a tan suit. What do I do? I love him. I love him. Okay.

This is a great one. Because everybody's had to face it. Everybody has had to face it. It's really tough because it seems like just human nature. When you tell somebody that you don't like their spouse or the person they're dating or seeing, it makes them get closer. 100%. And it's just, it is such a catch-22 because they ask for your opinion and

I do think the role Wesley had at first was, I'm going to tell you how I feel once, and then I'm never going to bring it up again. I have done that. It has bitten me in the ass so hard. I had one of my very best friends forever.

She and her future husband were just dating. They broke up and she was like, he's a loser. I've got to get away from him. So what did I do? I doubled down on that. I went in and started telling her how much of a loser he was, how I could identify every loser part of him. And I mean, I left no stone unturned. And about three weeks later, they're back together. They get married.

And I have to live with that. Like she knows, I think he's a loser. Now they're divorced, but he's the father of her kids. And we laugh about it now, but it was just like, it is such an uncomfortable feeling to do that. But when it's your best friend, I just think you have to be honest and be like, I'm not their biggest fan, but I think for the sake of your friend, you have to be courteous. I mean, I do. When Pumps was married to her first husband. First, I've only had one. Unless I got married and didn't know this.

My second ex-husband. Everybody's got to have a first husband. I agree. So we're just going to refer to him as your first husband. It makes you sound more like, I don't know. Social? Yeah. Yeah. I like it. Romantic? Yeah. It makes it sound like you're getting laid more than you really are. Okay. Well, I'm all in on that. Okay. So when Pumps is married to her first husband...

By the time I started sounding the alarm bells, they were so obvious that we would sit and nobody freak out. We haven't, neither one of us has smoked in over 10 years, but we used to smoke, chain smoke Marlboro Lights. And we would sit on my front porch and light cigarette after cigarette. And we had flow charts about what a lying, horrific sack of shit this motherfucker was. He could call.

And say, what are you doing? And she would say, I'm sitting with Jennifer making a list of things. And he knew exactly what that meant. Right. And here's the deal. It was kind of easier for you because I hated him as much as you hated him. It was so easy. Right. We were in lockstep with our hatred. Now, there was a time period where I thought for sure it's over. Like, this is the point of no return. But there were so many. And then, get this, listener. They get back together again.

like for appearances only. Right. So he would come home and y'all would play house. Like until the kids went to bed. And then the kids went to bed. Right. And he would leave and go spend the night with the friends. And then he would arrive back like five or six hours later. In the morning before the kids got up. In the morning before the kids got up. Yeah. That's fucking crazy. That part right there, that's where I was just like...

Why are we trying to put lipstick on that pig? There was no, there wasn't enough lipstick at the Chanel store to put lipstick on that pig. He's not worthy of that type of cosmetics. No, absolutely not. No. I mean, it was, it was so ridiculous. I look back and I think that is the dumbest you have ever been. Full stop. I mean, just dumb, dumb, dumb. That went on for months. Yeah. And then we moved back in the same house.

I mean, we never had sex or anything, but still. You did that one time when he bought you that car in the back of the car. That was before. Oh, wait. Remember, you fucked him in the back of that car. He bought you that Infiniti and you rewarded him. I think that was before, wasn't it? I don't remember when it was, but I remember thinking, it's fucking gross is what it is. You know, here's the thing. You can say it's gross.

When you're married and you've had kids with somebody and you've had sex a million times, it's like, what's one more time? I got the car I wanted. Yeah, I'll fuck him in the back of it. Yeah. I mean, I think that was my idea if I remember correctly. I think it kind of was your idea, which brings us back to how you're a closet horny person. Yeah.

You were in the closet as a horny person. Yeah. I'm just waiting for the hinges to spring off. Yeah. Because, I mean, that was kind of kinky. I think your kids were at home even. Yeah. I do think you are a closet horny person. I do. Just waiting for a partner. As evidenced by the car sex. Right. Car sex. And when that guy recently flashed you a couple years ago...

You were delighted by it. That driver, fellow driver pulled up next to you and he was masturbating or something wildly inappropriate. And you came to me and you were grinning from ear to ear. I was just like, oh my gosh. As excited as you could be about it. Yeah. I think you're a closet kinky horny person. I wish. I wish I was out.

Listener, my feet are always freezing, especially in the winter. And once my feet and my little piggies are cold, I'm cold all over my body. But all of this has changed because I have discovered Bombas socks. They are like little marshmallows, little pillows for my feet. And they are so warm and they even have the no-show Bombas logo.

They are warm and they don't slide down your heel. They stay in place because I love a no-show sock.

But again, my feet get so cold, but not with the Bombas. Bombas, I've always loved their long socks, but the no-show socks are A++. Like you said, they don't slide down. They keep your feet warm. And the slippers are amazing too. Oh my gosh, the Bombas slippers are just a little nice treat. And here's a great thing about Bombas. For every item you purchase, Bombas will donate another item to someone facing homelessness.

And I'm serious about this. They've donated over 150 million items thanks to purchases like yours. Listener, try Bombas now. Head over to bombas.com slash had it and use the code had it for 20% off your first purchase. That's B-O-M-B-A-S dot com slash had it. Code had it at checkout.

You know, I love a little luxury. I absolutely love a good cashmere sweater, but it can just be so expensive. And that's why I am so happy to personally endorse Quince's Mongolian Sweaters.

I love them. I have multiple colors. They are an absolute staple in my winter wardrobe. What I love about the cashmere sweaters is they feel so good and they are so comfortable. So I ordered one and then I ended up ordering like three more because they are just so easy to wear and they feel great. And listener, the best part, all Quince items are priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands.

By partnering directly with top factories, Quince cuts out the cost of the middleman and passes the savings on to us. Give yourself the luxury you deserve with Quince. Go to quince.com slash had it for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash had it to get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince dot com slash had it. Addy!

Hey ladies, did you know that one of the most common complaints from women about their sexual health is a frustratingly low libido? Our sex drives can decline, but it's also treatable. Addi or flibanserin is FDA approved and has been clinically proven to increase sexual desire in certain premenopausal women who are bothered by a low libido. So if you feel like you've lost your desire and you want to get it back,

Stop falling for the snake oils and ask your doctor today about Addi. Go to Addi.com. That's A-D-D-Y-I.com. Addi is for premenopausal women with acquired generalized hypoactive sexual desire disorder, HSDD, who have not had problems with low sexual desire in the past, who have low sexual desire no matter the type of sexual activity, the situation, or the sexual partner. The low sexual desire is troubling to them and is not due to a medical or mental health problem, problems in the relationship.

Thank you.

Ask your doctor about Addi today. That's addi.com. All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay, up next, we've got Kirby.

Okay, so I love you guys, first of all. You're like my surrogate non-lesbo mommies, and I absolutely love you. I'm an OKC resident, born and raised in Oklahoma. I work in the service industry at the moment in time, but I worked in HR for a long time. And what that's taught me is that you don't put up with bullshit when bullshit's right in front of you. So I want to tell you about a story.

From a few nights ago, where a man wearing a MAGA hat walked into my bar, which is an intentional safe space, and I full-on barked at him. And not just like a, it was like an English bulldog that hasn't been treated properly its entire lifetime. It was a...

So I just, I just want to put that out there as a suggestion for you all. Um, a few women came up to me afterwards after I did that and thanked me for my service. So, I mean, you say get fully unhinged and give them what they've been getting, give them what they've been giving. So, um, I full on barked at this man and anytime I walked past him, I went, so, um,

I've become unhinged as a result of listening to your podcast. I just want to thank you. Thank you for your service because we're out here being deputized members of your community and doing the Lord's work that I don't believe in. But I really do love you guys and wanted to share that with you. I mean, to what I have to say is you're welcome. Little soldier, young grasshopper. Deputized. Deputized. And I have a little story to tell you all.

So Pumps and I on inauguration day went and had breakfast together at this little greasy diner we both love in Oklahoma City. I order scrambled eggs and a short stack. She orders biscuits and gravy in a side of hand. It's not really relevant. I know. I'm painting the picture as an author would do. Okay. I'm letting them know that we're not in here eating like, you know, crunchy food. We're doing greasy spoon. Right. All right.

So we look around at the people around us and Pumps is like glaring at me and she's doing her head like this. She's like, MAGA hat, MAGA hat, MAGA hat. So I turn and there's this woman sitting with this man that's about 950 years old.

And she has on a MAGA hat, red. And then she has this cup in front of her. And the cup has all these many American flags in it. This is January 20th. Pumps and I are literally on suicide watch. We're just like, fuck, fuck, fuck. Let's go eat. So she's parading around the restaurant, smiling, waving a little flag at everybody. And I want to tell you that I glared.

like nobody's business. I would not blink. I didn't. And I looked at her with just, I wanted her to feel it. If she got smiles from everybody else, I wanted my negative energy and my disdain for her support of a sexist, racist, anti-Semitic piece of shit that tried to give a microphone a blowjob. Right. Because you know that woman was a big churchgoer. You could see it all

Right. All over her that she was a big Old Testament gal. Right. And so I wanted my energy to just supersede anything else in that little cafe. And I think it did. Yeah. You were like, because her back was to me as they were leaving. And Jennifer is just giving her the most evil eye you've ever seen. And they looked exactly, exactly if they hadn't had the MAGA hat on.

We both would have been able to identify them as maggots. Yeah. It looked like they came fresh from January 6th. Totally. I mean, just fresh off the boat from January 6th. Freshly pardoned. Yes. Freshly pardoned from jail. They just looked exactly... And Jennifer was like... I said, look, look, look. And she was like, oh, that guy with the maggot? I'm like, that's a woman. And she's like, that's a woman? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I did. I did misgender her initially. Yeah. Yeah. But it was just from the side. And then once I got the front, then I could... She was too old. I mean, she was old enough to know better. Had we known about the barking? Like, I hadn't heard about the barking. I didn't know people were doing that. Would you have barked? Was she meaning that metaphorically? No.

No, because she said when he walked by, she'd go, right. But the barking, was that literal or metaphorical? I take it literally. Did you take it metaphorically? Kylie, what do you think? I want to take it literally. That she literally barked at him? Yeah, just for me, I like picturing that. Okay. That's what we should have done. And when she said it was an intentional safe space, do we think that this was a gay bar? Yeah.

Right now, we're just fucking shooting at the wind trying to paint a picture. We need more details, caller. Yes, please. OKC caller, we need more details. Or send an Instagram to Seth where this is and we might take a loop through there. Please message Kylie or Seth. OK, who's next? Up next, we've got Jess.

Hey guys, it's Jess from Australia and my I've had it is kind of a double-edged sword in a way. The first side of the situation is when you're in a public car park and you are walking back to your car, you're about to leave, you're kind of sitting in the car and, you know, before I leave, I kind of like to reapply my lip gloss, go on my phone a little bit, just mentally prepare for the driver ahead. And then some cunt pulls up next to you and starts indicating obviously like one in your car park.

No, you can't have my car park. I'm not done with it yet. I don't owe you the car park. You can fuck right off and find your own. If I want to sit here all day, then I fucking will.

On the flip side of this, however, when I need someone's car park and they don't get up and drive off fast enough, they are the problem and they need to be faster. And I hate them and start costing them out. And this is just another example of how I'm always right and everyone around me is always wrong. I'm going to be brutally honest. I hate both sides of the situation. And in both situations, I'm the correct one. Thanks, guys, for the podcast.

Okay. That is the most relatable grievance. I've been on both sides of it. I'm on both sides of it.

And I am like, come on, lollygagger. What are you doing? Get your shit together. Can't you see you're stopping traffic? What a selfish piece of shit. And that if I'm the person in and I'm checking my phone, responding to a text, I see somebody, I'm like, settle down. Slow your roll. Maybe walk an extra 10 yards, asshole. Why are you in such a hurry? Why is your hair on fire? Why are you breathing down my neck? But I do want to say this. I think it'd be really fun just to be

assholes and twats to just start calling, just start using British and Australian words in Oklahoma City. Like car park. I loved that when she was saying car park. We'll use car park instead of aluminum. We'll start saying aluminium. Aluminium.

Instead of vitamin, we'll say vitamin. Yeah. And just when people say like, why are you doing that? And it's just like in Trump's America, we're trying to distinguish ourselves from fascists and always possible. So we're trying to use different forms of English and pronunciation. And we can call them twats.

Quit being a twat. Yeah, that's exactly right. She is hashtag inspo. Totally. And... Hashtag mood board. Love the accent. We all know I love an accent. She's fabulous. The car park. Okay, Kylie, last one. Okay, the last one is from Gwen, and she's also seeking your advice. Oh, good.

Hi, Jen and Pumps. I need some advice on this pressing issue in my life. So my coworker, who I work very closely with, just bought me a Stanley Cup for Christmas.

I feel a little bit like I'm being summoned into some sort of cult. I'm looking at it from across the room. It is matte black, kind of chic. If I'm being honest, I'm kind of getting the urge to go and fill it up with water, maybe even iced tea like pumps might. However, I do understand that this could be a total gateway into Trump isms.

I'm trying not to take that possibility lightly. And it should be noted that this coworker of mine is in fact a Trump supporter. And I know that because she pronounced Kamala Harris's name as Kamala. And she also asked me if I had ever read Hillbilly Elegy. Please help. Bye. Okay. To me, this wasn't a gift. This is grooming. This is MAGA grooming.

They are groomers. You're being groomed. It is very dangerous. What I would do is I would take that cup.

right up to that office and walk right over to my colleague's desk and say, hey, where's your trash can? And then pull it out and I'd say, don't ever give me this MAGA shit again. And don't groom me either. I know that y'all try to identify all the groomers. It's because you're the groomer. And just flip the script and just be unhinged. Be crazy and be unhinged because you cannot drink out of this cup forever.

multiple reasons that I've covered since the inception of this podcast. And we're adding wrinkles to that. And the fact that this woman, the colleague that gave the cup is mispronouncing Kamala Harris's name and reading Hillbilly Elegy and all of that nonsense. I just think this was an aggression. I think this was an act of

of aggression. See, here's the thing. I feel like, I mean, Stanley caps are pretty expensive, so she must like her. So do you think she likes her and that's why she wants to bring her into the cult? I think it's a part of the cult. I think it's just, I just, I know everybody thinks I'm fucking crazy about this, but it's, there's just, there are certain things when you start getting like the top knot headband that

Right. If it's bedazzled combined with the Stanley Cup, you know, you just start combining a lot of things and you know exactly what you're dealing with. Yeah. That's a tough one. I just think I would just not use it. I just wouldn't. I don't think I'd make a big scene because what if her boss and all her other peer works are Trumpers? Here's the thing that kind of goes back to the Australian caller.

And pumps can attest to this. I'm a notorious fantasizer about being a badass. We both are. I mean, I can sit and say, here's what I would do. And I would do this and I would say this and I would do all of these things. And I say it with such passion and so much confidence. You think, God, man, she would do that. She would really fuck people up.

Half the time I just tell Pops or I share with you, the listener, and then I'm over it. Yeah. Big talking is one of our specialties. Yeah. I'm a big talker. We're big fantasy people. Phew.

huge we chew out people and fantasies like you would not believe for years especially this was exacerbated by um joint and shared chain smoking right pumps would call me and she would say let's burn and that means go out to your front porch and let's light a cigarette and this is when our kids were really little and we couldn't you know be together so i'd light up she got okay

I'm going to give you a fantasy of what I'm going to say to my husband. And I was like, okay, lay it on me. And then she would just chew his fucking ass out and then would finish that cigarette. And she would say, let's double shot. And that means light another cigarette. And then we just light another one. And then you should say this. And this would go on for like an hour. Right. Until the kids got up. Because we got up super early before the kids. So we could do this. Sometimes the kids were watching cartoons, eating junk food. But what does that matter? We were having therapy. They're all fine now. They're all fine. Yeah. Nobody died.

Okay, listen, we have, as many of you know, another podcast called IHIP News, and it is a way to stay engaged with the insanity that is the Trump era administration.

10 to 15 minute short digestible doses with a little bit of humor in it. But what they're going to try to do is wear you down and exhaust you to where you don't give a shit anymore. It is important to stay engaged. So make sure you subscribe to that podcast. If you're on YouTube, it all comes in one main feed. But if you're a listener, you need to subscribe to both and pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Barilla wants to help you stay active this winter with its great tasting Protein Plus Pasta. It's the pasta taste you love with the energy you want. So it provides a good source of protein and it's made with 100% plant-based protein from lentil flour, pea protein, and chickpea flour, making it a good source of fiber too. We love that. Barilla Protein Plus is made with ingredients you can trust and it's from Barilla so you know it's going to taste great.

I'm always looking for ways to increase my protein intake, and this is an easy way. You can add 17 grams of protein per 3.5 ounce serving with the Barilla Protein Plus Pasta. It tastes so good. I also feed this to my son, Ford, because he's a picky eater, but he loves Barilla. So this is a way for me to get him his favorite food and a little extra protein. Also, you can put your energy to the test and take on Barilla's Protein Plus Pasta.

Pasta's Winter Energy Challenge this February. It's on the Strava Fitness app. It's free and all you need to do is simply complete 10 days of movement for your Barilla Protein Plus Pasta reward. Terms and conditions apply. Sign up at strava.com slash Barilla.

NetCredit is here to say yes. Because you're more than a credit score. Apply in minutes and get a decision as soon as the same day. Loans offered by NetCredit are lending partner banks and serviced by NetCredit. Applications subject to review and approval. Learn more at netcredit.com slash partners. NetCredit. Credit to the people.