No Teenie Weenie
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, Gatriots, Thatriots. Welcome to the rebellion. We will not pre-surrender. We have a bird. We have a Siberian husky or two. Two. Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with is places that only take cash.

at the end of 2020, 24. Are you fucking kidding me? I never have cash. So I go in this restaurant downtown. I mean, it's a dump. Okay. It's a dump truck. I fucking love it. It's heart attack on a plate food. Hadn't had it in years. And I thought, I'm just going to bounce in there and get me a hot dog. So I go in.

I am like so fired up about it. You're going to get a hot dog? Going to get a hot dog. It's this little tiny wiener. I mean, it's boiling in water. They pull it out. I'm super excited about it. I get up there and she's like, I mean, I think it was like $3. I didn't have $3. I have no cash. I didn't get my hot dog. So I'm like, everybody needs to be...

Completely, 100%. You take both or you take card for sure. It just feels like antiquated. And this place, to be fair, is antiquated. No teeny weeny for pups. I did not get the only teeny weeny that I enjoy. I had to leave. She was like, well, there's an A-team around the corner. And by then I'm just fucking furious. I'm just like, this is a prick tease. I'm mad. I'm not coming back. Will you ever go back? Well...

Of course I will because I love these hot dogs. But I will make sure I go to the ATM first. I just was like, that is criminal to have a cash only place these days. It's frustrating. It is. It's so frustrating. I got frustrated the other day that somebody didn't take Apple Pay because I had my purse in the car.

locked everything in there and I just wanted to run in and I just brought my phone only. They don't take Apple Pay. So the cash thing is just so beyond comprehension nonetheless. All right, let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with the notion that a lot of people have that if we speak about something to our lives that is petty, frivolous, first world things,

that the response can always be, you ladies need to go live in a third world country to get some perspective. Or there are people starving in Africa that you're not allowed to have any suffering that is personal to your life because there is greater suffering out in the world. It drives me insane. And we don't talk about this a lot,

We have a book coming out where we tell it. We have suffered. Right. We've been broke. We've been through all of that shit. We're not in that era anymore. We're in the petty grievance era. And maybe not all of our grievances are entirely relatable. But here's the thing. This is not a serious podcast. This is for fun. And I just can't take that there are people out there that monitor. Like they're just like the hall monitors of the internet. Yeah.

And they monitor everybody's like, if you're not liberal enough or you're too center and there's just all this hyper correcting. You two need to go live in a third world country. It's like, you know what? Fuck off. We don't live in a third world country and we get pissed about stupid shit. And we still try to fight the good fight at the same time. And I've just completely had it with that.

Yeah, and talk about antiquated. I remember people said that when I was like, there are children starving in Africa that don't, you know, they don't have to worry about X, Y, Z, blah, blah, blah. Okay, that's true, but that's not what we're talking about right now. I mean, it's also such a Debbie Downer. You know, like whatever, if anybody says some complaint that they have, that we always have to say, well...

in Africa or in Southeast Asia or in India, these horrible human rights violations are occurring. Therefore, every grievance that you have is completely invalidated. Now, in saying this, are there people that are so breathtakingly out of touch that it's annoying? Yes. Yes. Could Pumps and I at times be those people? Yes. 100%. Yes.

But I just, I feel like there is this micromanaging that is going on the World Wide Web about like all of the people, particularly on the left, tend to try to out liberal each other, correct each other all the time. And you go over to the right and it's Fleabag, Roach Motel, Parasite City. There are not enough insecticides that could diffuse that situation.

And it's they just pile on top of each other's crazy. Can we have some camaraderie if we agree 70% of the time? Can we just not have to hyper correct each other all the time, nonstop? It drives me crazy. I think that's a great, that's a great point. And people, I mean, for me, a lot of it goes back to like, if you have enough time to correct us on this, why aren't you doing something better?

than listening to us. Like, why aren't you solving world hunger? Well, and then somebody said the other day, I hate that you all have commercials. And I'm like, do you think we're up here just doing this as a community service? I mean...

Seriously, it's just there's this micro managing approach to where people now that we have a degree of separation where we communicate with one another. It's not face to face where people just none of this stuff really bothers me. It's just the hyper correction that you see. Remove it from our podcast. Like, here's how low the bar is for me right now. If you don't like Trump, I'm cool. That's it.

That's it. We can disagree on nuances of all sorts of things after that.

But if you don't like Trump and didn't vote for him, we're good. Right. It kind of goes back to when we first started the podcast when people would say, well, don't talk about politics or don't talk about this or don't talk about that. Here's the deal. Our names are on it. It's our podcast. We can talk about whatever the fuck we want. Brenda, if you don't like it, start your own podcast. Right. Like those are your options. Like we don't take direction from Brenda in Ohio, but thank you for playing. I mean, like shut the fuck up. Yeah. I don't like email. Yeah.

Rachel Maddow and say, Rachel, I need you to talk about this more. You know why I don't do that? Stop advertising, Rachel. You don't need commercials. Quit getting a paycheck, Rachel. Right. It's just the whole thing. It's just like, shut up. Yeah.

Yeah. Shut up. Agree. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the Siberian Husky of podcasting. Katerina, what's going on in the World Wide Web? We're just inching so close to 12K reviews. Excellent. And I'm going to read you two of them. So this one's five stars from Sunny. And she writes...

I needed you both right when I found you. Caw, caw, clap. I think your lighting guy, Pumps, might be looking for a reason to come over. You light up my life, so why wouldn't you be lighting up someone else's? I'm glad she brought up the lighting guy because I went to Pumps' house yesterday and hadn't been out there in quite some time. I hadn't seen the Christmas light installation yet.

But as I left your house, I noticed that he had a little sign advertisement in your yard marking his territory that it was, in fact, his work. Right. He does. That's absolutely right. Have you had any communication with him since the Christmas lights are blinking out? No. Now that they're fixed, there has been no communication. I thought I would start on Christmas Eve texting him about how I needed the lights off at 6 p.m. on Christmas Day. I thought that...

I think you got to go December 26th. You do? Yeah, I think you got to go December 26th. I think you say, I will unplug them at 6 p.m. on Christmas Day because I don't like to belabor celebrations. Right. It's over. I would appreciate if you could have them all down by 6 p.m. on December 26th. I think you need to give him Christmas off. Okay. That seems fair. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Who's next, Kylie? Okay. This one is five stars from Anthony and he writes, listen.

I'm an attention-seeking gay man just like you two. And I imagine you checking your review numbers is the equivalent of me looking at how many likes my last thirst trap got. But even I know when to stop whining about it and just realize my followers are lazy and refuse to show me the love I deserve. Please show these women some love and get them to 12,000 so we can move on already. Okay, here's what's going to happen. And I just want everyone to know once we get to 12,000,

Then it resets and we start a new goal and a whole new round of browbeating begins. Just infinite browbeating. What if each time Kylie went on, people had deleted their reviews and it just went down in number? Can you do that? I'm sure you can. You just planted a great idea. Right. Now it's going to happen. Good job. Listeners. All right. Let me, I have some news stories I want to share with everybody. I know that Pumps is just going to lose her mind over this.

Bride surprises wedding guests with a morning 7K run to start the day with endorphins. Your thoughts? I fucking hate her. Nobody that isn't an avid runner wants to do that. Why would you do that? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. A surprise 7K. That's a long time. Well, and that's like a sadistic. Kind of.

I mean, that's like, hey, we're going to start the day with a 7K run. It's like, I signed up to come to the wedding and to be in your wedding. I didn't sign up for an exercise class. Okay. How often have we talked about brides being narcissistic? I mean, the more I read about what's going on with brides, the more I think marriage should be outlawed just on the basis of these people cannot handle anything happening to them. That's good. It's... I just...

This is so gross. Everything about a bride that makes everything about her, like here's, if I've said it once, I've said it 50 million times. Nobody gives a shit that you're a bride. They're coming because they'd like your parents. They're your friends. They do not give a fuck. They don't think you're special. They don't think you're the prettiest girl in the world. They don't think you're a princess. They don't look up every minute.

after their eyes open on the day of your wedding and say, oh my gosh, it's only six hours and 42 minutes till I get to go sit in the world's most boring wedding with the world's dumbest music. And then I go to a dinner that's cold, obnoxious, and I have to talk to people I don't like. Nobody's dying for that. Nobody. All right, let me ask you this. I remember there was a time back in our early friendship before your marriage and finances blew up. Right.

And you had told me, oh, yes, my ex-husband and I, at the time he was your husband. So you were like, my husband and I, you know, just put some money in the kids' college accounts. And we also set up an account for the expenses for Emily's wedding. Right. I think at the time Emily was four. Right. So would you say historically you're a part of this problem or part of the solution? Let me just tell you, the reason I'm so passionate about

about hating brides is because I myself was the worst offender. Never once thought about the marriage. The guests. Never even dawned on me what the guests felt like. I never even took into account their feelings. I paraded just an enormous, ridiculous, everything.

Everything that I hate is because I've done it and it's so stupid. And I look back and just the visceral reaction to how stupid I am probably takes into account this problem. I mean, parading nine bridesmaids, 500 people walking down the aisle knowing it wasn't going to work. I mean, disaster.

that is, I mean, you know how they used to like in those shows be like, shame, shame, shame. That's what all the guests should have been doing. Shame, shame, shame. That's what we should start doing at weddings. The more obnoxious it is, you and I can be kind of in the back. We could just go, you know how there's that movie, The Wedding Crashers? Yeah. We could revive it. And we could go to weddings and we could kind of get dolled up, sit in the back and

And the more obnoxious, I mean, when they get to like the sixth bridesmaid and the third flower girl, and then the dogs start trotting down the aisle, we start going, shame, shame, shame. Or, you know, we could also do a poster. We like, you know, like an auctioneer poster, just stand at the back or sit at the back and just like,

Hold it up until somebody noticed. Be on the video. Yeah, there's a lot of really, really particularly egregious behavior. What is your stance now when Emily was three or four? I remember it struck me at the time. That's weird.

wow, like the last thing I'm thinking about is my children getting married. Like I wasn't even thinking that far. And so what is your position on it now? If Emily were to get engaged and married, what advice would the more enlightened, more cynical, more fuck you pumps have for her daughter? Okay, so here's the thing. I've kind of thought about that. And it's just going to be really hard for me

to even like act like I think it's a good idea to have a big wedding

I'm like, go to the courthouse, get married, call it a day. Here's the thing. I know you well. I know you well. I think you will get sucked. You think I do? You will get sucked right into it. You think I'll fall back into those traps? Yes. I think old habits die hard. And I think this brings me to my next news story. Hold on. I had one other thing kind of on this topic. Did I tell you? So Emily's friends...

the friends that are older than her like 26-ish they're starting to get married this is a true story and I know you're gonna die because I died 20 bridesmaids 20 why 2-0 why I don't know 2-0

That's just abuse. It's guest abuse. That's guest abuse. That is guest abuse. And it's so over the top performative to say that you have 20 people with whom you were that close. It's just lying. It's an insult to the guest's intelligence, emotional intelligence. Because for me, if somebody says they have 20, two zero, very close friends,

Very, very, very close friends. I think that's kind of a red flag. I don't think that's possible. Yeah. I just, I mean, I about fell out of my chair when I heard 20. 20 friends. Yes. 20 friends. But close bridesmaid friends. No, I'm not buying that. I think then, then I was told by somebody else that that's kind of the new trend is like 2018, something like that. Bridesmaids. And I'm just saying as a public service announcement, in my experience, I'm

If you have that much emphasis on the bridesmaids, the flowers, all that shit, you're probably not thinking about the marriage. And that is a deep, dark hole of despair that I fell down. Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid.

In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is...

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now.

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Okay, the next story is, welcome to the golden age of six-figure birthday parties for toddlers. A recent piece in the New York Times reported on this phenomenon zooming in where rich moms routinely spend six or seven figures on fancy parties for their toddlers to ensure their one-year-old has a birthday she'll never forget.

which of course nobody remembers being one. If Instagram had already been turning all of this into a competition the past few years, then the pandemic,

have basically turned it into a blood sport. Stunning tablescapes to rival those of a wedding with a flower budget to match, massive balloon installations, personalized swag, four-tier cakes. These are just a few of the things that have become de rigueur for this sort of crowd who are taking tried-and-true kids' party favorites and capitulating them into a stratospheric level of status symbol. I think...

I think all of this stuff, these weddings, the 20 bridesmaids, these birthday parties, everything was on steroids before COVID.

social media. And now it is on crystal meth, intravenously injected crystal meth. That's how chaotic it is, which brought me back to, I remember the most over-the-top toddler birthday party I ever went to was for the aforementioned daughter of yours, Emily, where we had a clown, a petting zoo. I think it was a two-tiered cake.

I have no, I have no memory of the Cagle. I remember seeing a couple tears. Yeah, there were goats. I mean, I remember the ponies. Yeah, pony. The clown. The balloon animal magician. Chester the clown. What else? The goats. The clown.

It was a bouncy house. Oh, a bouncy house. Yeah. It was face painting. Yeah. Face painting. Yeah. It was ridiculous. It was stupid. That was completely born out of guilt for me. I was trying to appease my own guilt. I look back at that. It's like the wedding. That's the dumbest fucking thing. Strike that. It's one of the dumber things that I've done in my life. It's certainly not a top 20 or a top 100. Here's the deal. I have to tell you.

My son Dylan and I had a great time at that party because I like animals. I like a petting zoo. I like balloon art. I'm not, I wasn't afraid of the clown, although he did terrify a lot of the children. But yeah. I had a great time. Yeah. But does Dylan remember it? Well, hell no. He doesn't remember it. So I think that goes back to the party is not for the child. Right. Full stop. Right. Emily could give two shits. She doesn't remember. She was three. The party was for me.

to make me feel better because I felt guilty that I had a brand new baby so close to her birthday. But in this instance, this is, I think, produced. These six-figure parties are produced for social media. There's no question. And I have to go back to, if that's where your time and energy is going, these people that browbeat us about

Why aren't they browbeating them? Like, take all that free time on your hands. Oh, I'm sure they get it. Oh, you do. Oh, there's no question. There is. Nobody is safe on the World Wide Web. Right. I mean, they are one million percent getting it. I think they're probably getting it so bad it makes whatever we get look like child's play. Okay. And deservingly so. Yeah.

All right. I believe today we have some voice memos we would like to hear from our listeners because we love and cherish our relationship with you. Okay. At first, we've got Sage. Sage.

Hello, Gin Pumps, Kylie. Y'all, I've really had it with people making eye contact with me in the security line at the airport. Like, don't fucking look at me, dude. Look at your phone. Look at the floor. Close your eyes if you have to. Stop looking at my face. Stop making eye contact with me. Like, it's fucking annoying. Every 10 steps, we're going to be face to face.

Don't make this harder than it needs to be. And maybe just like a general, I've had it. Man, quit looking at me in general. Like we're not about to have a meet cute. You're not going to be staring at me like I'm a piece of meat. And then I'm going to be like, oh, let's fall in love. Oh, we fell in love at the airport. He just wouldn't stop staring at me. You know, we're married. It's never going to happen. Stop looking at people. Close your eyes. I've had it. Thank you.

I completely agree with this. I believe there are these awkward interactions where you catch people like, and it's the people that make this type of contact, which I'm going to go ahead and call inappropriate eye contact. You're going to go that far. Yeah. Abusive eye contact.

eye contact, personal space invasion, eye contact, they continue to do it. I'll give you an example. I was recently playing tennis in like a class type setting. And it's like a cardio tennis. And the instructor is telling us, okay, here's what we're going to do. Four people in here, four people here, rotate in, yak, blah.

Across the net, I see this person staring at me, like really, really staring at me. And so I make eye contact and then I divert like a normal person does. Listen to the instructor for a second. Look back. He's still staring, like completely staring me down. I look away again. It goes on for like five minutes. And I'm just like, why are you continuing to stare at me when I made the eye divert than you eye divert?

Do you think he had the hots for you? No. I mean, obviously. I mean, who doesn't? But join, get in line. But it was, it's so weird. And then you see, have you ever caught that? Like, I'm like, why do they keep staring at me? And then I look behind me and think, is somebody behind me? Like, why are we not together?

diverting. Yeah, I think I mean, first of all, I think Sage's presentations an A plus. I mean, it's a perfect point. Like if you are rotating in a line and you keep seeing the same person, I think there should be a sign at the airport when you walk in that says, pretend you're invisible. Pretend everybody else around you is invisible. This is somebody that obviously I'm just going to say the guy at the club to

I think probably socially awkward. I mean, I just think if you're doing that repeatedly, you probably are socially awkward as a person. Like you don't understand the social cues. So I just fucking love her. Okay. Next we've got Cody S. I blue Eagle Falcon hookers, whatever we're calling y'all these days, bitches. I have something to vent about again, Christmas, Christmas gifts, Christmas,

Christmas group texts. Okay, so my fiance, his side of the family is fucking crazy when it comes to Christmas gifts. We have a shared list amongst the family of what these people want. Then there is seven individual group text messages that

Going amongst these seven different people trying to keep up with who is buying what, who wants to split the gift, how much money, who did what, this, that, that. They keep adding shit. It is fucking crazy.

and out of hand. I have never experienced something like this in my entire life. We're on year three and why I'm bitching about it right now. Don't know, but I really need to get this out and just, it is annoying the piss out of me. 187 messages I woke up to this morning. 187.

Amongst these seven family group texts for mom, brother one, brother two, uncle, grandma. It's it's I fucking had it. I mean, that is I've I've already had it just from listening. Yeah. And I know that that is happening all across this country. Christmas is an inherently narcissistic holiday, much like the brides. It becomes this big thing.

Like, let me give you an example. The girl that used to work for me, she tells me the other day, and this is a 30-something, early 30-something, that her in-laws sent her their wish list of what they want their gifts to be. Like, you ask for kids, please send, I ask my kids, please send me what you want for Christmas. Send me your Christmas list. I would never, ever, ever,

You could not torture it out of me to send a daughter-in-law a, here's what I want for Christmas. When I would be like, I have everything I need. Do not worry about getting me one thing. And then all of that group texting, all they would see on my end is Jennifer has left the text.

And I advise Cody, as soon as you're married, I think this is something that Cody needs to manage. Just because there are two people in the marriage doesn't mean there always has to be two participants. You don't have to participate in this, Cody. You can say it's your family. Right. These are your problems. I'm not participating in this because it's going to lead to a divorce and potentially to a homicide. And because I care about fighting crime, because I'm a big crime fighter, darling, I'm not

I must not engage in this Christmas list texting fuckery because it is ape shit bananas. There's just no excuse for parents sending children their Christmas gifts, in my opinion. I mean, I just, that just doesn't, why would you do that?

I just, I think it's insane. And this is, in this situation, in this person's situation, it is not even, it is a stepmother-in-law. Right, no. Sending a Christmas gift list for two people well over the age of 50. And I just think that is so tacky. I think it's tacky. I think it is as tacky as all get out. And I think the biggest gift is,

adults that are established, that are over the magic of Christmas for themselves personally can engage in, don't worry about me. If you must bring something, get me a small little something. Do not spend any money on me.

This is more about me getting something for you all. And that's my parents are the same. We do not. Each year we've gotten less and less. Lately, we've done like you pick a family member's name. Now we have just said, no, only buy for children and children only. Adults don't buy adults gifts any longer. Because here's the thing. Oftentimes you get a gift.

that somebody thinks is neat. It's what I like to call a projection gift. Like sometimes you might see a robe and you think, oh, I personally would like this robe. I think this robe is great. And you project how you feel about it onto the receiver and

And then there's a big, oh, don't you love it? And, you know, rubbing all over the robe. Here's the thing. I finally had to tell Josh and the boys, I don't know, a few years ago, quit buying me robes. I'm so tired of receiving robes. I don't, if I want a robe, I'm going to go pick out my very own. And I found myself wearing certain robes to please them so they could see me around the house in it.

And I didn't like any of them. So about a year ago, I loaded them all up and donated them. And I bought the robe that I wanted. And I just sometimes gift receiving, it's nice, but sometimes people are projecting what they want on the gift. Yeah, I've been known to do that before. And here's the deal. I do not want to give something to somebody that they hate and feel like they have to say, oh, I love it. I love it. I love it.

Because that's awkward. When you get a gift, I mean, there's nothing more awkward to get a gift and you hate it, but you have to act like you like it. So I just think no gifting. Here's where my hypocrisy comes in. Recently, I would say probably the last three years, I have started to purchase things for Josh that I want for myself. Right. So considering we live, you know, in the house together, this item lives in the house together.

I recently bought him a suitcase and I really wanted the suitcase for myself.

And we travel a lot for work and I have just used the suitcase. So what this suitcase did is it was, this is what I call the gift that is two birds, one stone. He had something under the tree that he unwrapped. I got the suitcase that I wanted. Yeah, no, I think that's a great idea. I remember when my kids were little and you got professional pictures taken all the time. I would not give anybody like my parents or my grandmother the option of picking out the pictures they wanted.

I picked out the pictures they were going to have.

Because I knew at some point they would become mine. So my grandmother's pictures, I've repossessed those. My dad's pictures, I've repossessed those. And I have to pat myself on the back. It was a brilliant plan. So they never got to look at the proofs. This reminds me of the best Christmas card I ever received. Oh, gosh. It was great. I wish I had signed it. God, I wish. Do you have it? No, I don't have it. It's probably, I'm not a keepsake Christmas card type person. No, I'm not a keepsake person either.

I've shared this before, but it's worth a reshare. So Pumps, in the early days, hopeful days of rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic that was her marriage, does a Hail Mary trip to Costa Rica with her husband and the kids.

And they're lying in this gigantic oversized hammock in some rainforest somewhere. All right. And the kids are toddlers. I'm talking like one, maybe like two, four and six and her husband. And her husband's in his swim trunks.

And Pumps was already reaping the benefits of what we referred to as the pre-divorce diet where you can't eat and you're stressed all the time. So she's just tiny, like size two tiny. And he is having the reverse effect where he's eating his emotions. So he was larger than normal. No shirt, just for the record. No shirt. So they're sprawled out on this hammock.

And the ex-husband looks like a goddamn beached whale. And Pumps is like curled up to him like on her side. And it looks like the scale wise of the photograph, it looks like he's like 30 inches wide. And it looks like you and then you have these three miniature humans also in the hammock around you.

You look like you're maybe four inches wide, scale-wise. Supermodel look. I looked fabulous. You looked so fabulous. I opened it up. I am howling with laughter. I am dying laughing. And I call her up immediately. And I go, well, either you thought you looked really cute.

Or you thought Kirk looked really bad and it was kind of a fuck you thing or both. And you're like, oh, it's both. It's both. I just advertised it, printed it, postcarded it. Probably sent more Christmas cards that year than I'd ever sent before. Yeah. Or give me a hundred extra. Oh, you looked great. Yeah. Do you think somebody has that? You've got to have a friend somewhere that saved that rainforest hammock. I know people that, it was on a catamaran.

Was it a catamaran? It was a catamaran. You know how that... Yeah, because the person was up top. That's why it was such a... They were up top on the back of the ship. So, I mean, it was just... It was focused on his gut, it felt like. His...

make it overflowing. It was homicide via Christmas card delivery if I have ever seen it. Yeah, I don't, I can't imagine. You know, my mom might have that. I'll check. I need for you to look into it. She's not a great historian either though. She's a throwawayer.

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Okay, up next, we've got Elizabeth. You know what I've had it with? People who put antlers and a Rudolph nose on their damn car. Same vein, eyelashes on a VW Bug. Like, that does not have a beating heart. You don't have to dress it up.

Channel that energy somewhere else because I cannot stand it. I've told everybody I know, if you ever see me put antlers or eyelashes on my car, know that that is a cry for help and I need to be committed. Full stop. I've had it. Pound sand. Okay, here's the thing. I completely agree with this. I don't like flags on cars. I don't like noses on cars, ears on cars, eyelashes on cars, and

Any of those types of things. Additionally, I don't like cups or backpacks for cups and purses for cups and all of those things. They all live in the exact same space. However, the other day I saw this woman, elderly, and she was pretty cute. Like she was just like you see her and you just think this is a happy old lady. Like she was just happy and

And she was kind of like smiling in her car. And she pulled up next to me. And she had on like the little Rudolph nose and the ears. And I immediately thought, who's this bitch? She gets out. She's smiling. We go in. And she's just, you can tell she has a pep in her step. And I just thought, Jesus Christ, I am an awful, awful person. Yeah. I'm 100% with Elizabeth, though. If it doesn't have a heartbeat, you can't dress it up.

It's dumb. It's stupid. Which reminds me, I saw a bumper sticker of a pair of thongs on somebody's car. I'm like, flip-flop thongs. She's like, that's the best you got? Anyway, that's not the point. Just enough. You know what I've had it with? When I was leaving your house out in the suburbs yesterday, when I saw the Christmas light advertisement in your yard. So, you know, it gets kind of Trumpy out there.

So there's all these like Ford F-150s. And as I'm leaving, they're on the streets between where I go from my house to your house. And one bumper sticker has like an American flag on it. And it says, Patriots stand up. Yeah.

And I just thought, who is this fucking blowhard? Who is this schmohawk? What a pussy. I just, I can't stand it. And then I went further and there's another truck and there's like a, you know, like a AR-15. And it said, you want it? Come get it. I'm so sick of these machismo bullshit trucks.

Patriot gun. Faux patriot. Bumper stickers where they, you know, it's like this, let's all get juiced up together. Because what it tells me, what I receive when I see that is I don't think testosterone. I think low T testosterone.

I think the opposite of whatever the image is that they want to project. I mean, it's kind of like when I hear you talk about, I'm never going to date a prisoner. I'm never going to date an inmate. I 100% know that your soulmate is behind bars right now. Right now, as we speak. Right now. I know that that is the case. Just like I knew that you would like that French bulldog. And I know with these men, I know that we...

That we've got a low T situation or a bi-curious situation. I'll tell you what I know we have. And it goes without question. I see that shit. I'm like, your penis is an inch and a half. It has no girth. You've never given a woman an orgasm. You fucking suck in bed. So you're parading around with your stand up and your guns so that nobody thinks your dick is too little. Let me ask you this.

That hot dog that you tried to purchase the other day that you were denied. Yeah. Do you think the person who had the truck that says, Patriots, stand up. Do you think that his penis is smaller or larger than the hot dog that you tried to purchase? I 100% think smaller than the teeny little coney weenie that I couldn't purchase because I didn't have cash.

I think we're talking- Because you're just a lonely old podcaster. I think we're talking a nebbing. I mean, I think we've got a neb. A micropene? A micro, I think we've got a neb. You think it's a micropene? Here's what I think. I think there's two options. I think you've got a micropene situation. Right. I think you've got a, or a low T situation. Or both. Yeah, both of those. But I also think this is something that nobody really talks about. And I think this could be a lot of it. I think these men that have to do all this machismo and, because there's all of this

Trump photoshopped kind of homoerotic where it makes Trump like he has abs and pectoral muscles and all this stuff. I think a lot of these men watch a lot of porn. And I think they get excited when they see the men. And I'm not saying they're gay. I'm saying they're bi-curious. I'm saying that the man's role in it excited the guy.

Like maybe as he's beaten off when he's watching porn, the man did something and that was the money shot. That's what triggered it. And so there's this desire because this is an internal secret that only they know that they're little, you know, there's a little bi curious in them. There's a little bit of bi curiosity in them. And I think that all of this machismo is just to mask that. And I think this bi curious thing is a lot more ubiquitous now.

with these types of men than earlier stated. And I know for sure what will end up happening. We make these statements and then the scientists catch up with I've had it podcast, like they have with the other stuff. But at some point we'll be sitting here saying, I knew that those guys were bisexual. Right. I knew that in 2024 at the Republican National Convention. That's when I knew it for first time. Yep. But here's the deal. Anytime, and I might be a product of this,

Talking about never getting or going on a date or getting married to a prison inmate. It's the same way with these politicians that stand up there. Anti-gay, anti-gay, anti-gay. I mean, is it 100 times out of 90? They're having all kinds of gay sexual encounters. So I just, I don't want to hear it. Let me ask you this before we wrap. When you get prison married. Okay.

how many bridesmaids will you have? And can I be the maid of honor? And then will you have all three of our dogs participate in that wedding with the inmate? Okay, it was just the minute you said, can I be a bridesmaid? I thought, well, obviously, Ollie would give me away. And that's Oliver Glizzard, your dog that you named after a hot dog. Yes, he's immediately giving me away. You can be

the maid of honor. Matron. Matron of honor. But you know, I just think I'll leave it at that. Really? Small? Just small. I've done the big and it was a disaster. I'm going to go small this time, marry a prison inmate. So many things could go right.

So many things could go right. Here's the thing. With him incarcerated, that gives you your best chance of success, in my opinion. 100%. In my opinion, that catapults the relationship to a place that you never gave your first marriage the ability to succeed in. Right. No, I mean, seriously. I mean, that is the kind of relationship that I could probably...

Fucking shine in. I don't have to share my stuff. You would crush it. I would crush that shit. Maybe I should get back on those websites. I mean, I am. I'm just saying I've never heard somebody talk so much about inmate marriage as I have you. I'm into it. And I just want it for the record. It's not jail. It's prison. Just want to make that distinction. Oh, so wait.

But okay, just for the permanent record. We haven't talked about the permanent record in quite some time. Are you never marrying somebody that's in prison? Okay, but jail's okay? No, I didn't even think about jail because the people I'm referring to, it's all prison. It's not jail. Okay, but for the permanent record. I'm going to go ahead and lump it in. Prison or jail? Let's just lump it in. Okay, prison, jail, all of the above. Mental institution? Mental institution.

Well, if I'm in the middle institution, I can't rule that out. And there's just, you never know when you're going to get a call from a middle institution. So I don't want to rule that one out entirely. All right. All right. I think that's just all.

That we can do for today. Wouldn't you agree, Katarina? I agree. All right. Do you, don't you for sure think Pumps is marrying an inmate? Yeah. Can I, I actually took notes on an episode of the bullet points that she wants in a partner. Okay. And I would just love to read it to you and see who it sounds like. Okay. Number one, sex was on your terms. You didn't have to do it all the time. Right. Two, you want to keep your nighttime routine. Right. Three, you want to live alone. Four, they can't call you all the time.

And the last one has a lot of red flags. Who does that sound like? It's perfect. Kyle, this is exactly why you keep saying you're not going to do it because deep down, you know, it's your destiny. It's the perfect match for me. It is the absolute best case scenario and a partner for me. A prisoner. A prisoner. Never getting out. That's key. Clutch. All right. Thank you guys. Pumps tell them. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday.

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances.

We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Caw, caw. A little bit more enthusiasm. Caw, caw. That's it. That's, that's. Caw, caw. That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.

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