Teenie Weenie, Not Hot, and MAGA
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. I have to do it super quiet because my dog is right next to me. And if I clap really hard, he'll wake up. You can already hear him snoring, but I don't want to, I don't want to wake him up. That is not the type of clap.

That's a limp dick, no dick energy clap. That is not the type of clap that the patriots, the gayatriots, and the vatriots need to survive Trump's America. But I believe the listener and I and Kylie will give you a hall pass because there's always a caveat for dogs. Right.

And gay people, they get to carve out too. Yes. All right. Listen, listen up listener. I know that everybody is seeing the abject shit show of incompetence and cruelty on display with Trump 2.0. And this podcast, we laugh and bitch and shit talk. And I feel like we would be remiss to not acknowledge at the top of these episodes that

So many of our listeners are beautiful blue dots in a sea of red. A lot of our listeners are members of the LGBTQ+ community. A lot of our members are black and brown and marginalized.

Actually, I think in this here listenership, the white women for good assemble here. And that is becoming a minority that embarrasses the hell out of me. But I do this little pep talk at the beginning of this to say, what you're seeing is real. But in order to get through this, we form communities. And on our other podcast, I Have News, we break down the fuckery.

instance by instance. This podcast is about community, camaraderie, and shared shit talking. And I think we're all entitled to laugh every Tuesday and Thursday. So in that vein, let's ask the star of our show, Great Dog Mom. So what have you had it with? Okay, I've had it with a lot of things. Obviously, in Trump's America, it's easy. But I've had it with two of my kids go to the University of Oklahoma,

One just graduated from Oklahoma State University. Every time there's a weather alert, a class closing, any kind of notification that a college student would need to anticipate their schedule, I get

texts and phone calls as if I am a student at the University of Oklahoma currently enrolled in classes. Now, my other son, he never got that. Nobody ever notified me if class was closed at OSU. I never heard a thing about it. OU, I get a call and a text from the university and the calls are like a minute and a half long. I mean, I don't listen to them, but they're taking a lot of space up there.

And so I have two kids there. I get two texts about, hey, we're going to be closed tomorrow. And I get two phone calls on my voicemail. My thing is, what am I supposed to do about it? They're grown. They're at college. Like, let them know. It's not my job to police them anymore. I did it for 18 years. I've had it.

All right, this is Titty Baby Enabling. And our listeners know that we have covered helicopter parents in college and identified that they are the problem. And we advocated for universities having the ability to say, "Parents, you don't go to school here anymore. Your children are legal adults.

Sit down and shut up and let us deal with your kids and let them head down a road of autonomy and your enabling is not going to help anything. So here we have a situation where the University of Oklahoma seems to be enabling a helicopter, tomahawk chopper parents. And this is not helpful, but I have a solution for you.

I happen to play cardio tennis with the president of the University of Oklahoma. His daughter and my son Roman are really good friends. They've gone to school together since they were three. His name is Joe. So we can go about this two ways, Pumps, because if you fuck with Pumps, you fuck with me. So here's the options I have for you. Number one, at cardio tennis, I can go, "Joe, what's going on with

sending out these alerts to the parents. I mean, these parents are out of control. Send it to the kids only and make the kids manage it. I can be reasonable. This is a tempered approach, right? That's what a normal person would do. Or while we're playing against each other, because that cardio tennis, you end up playing like these two play against these two, et cetera. I can just start targeting every ball at Joe. And at the end of class, I'll be like, God, Jennifer, what's wrong with you? And I go,

That's for all the helicopter promoting texts that you send pumps, Jo. That's what those balls were for. So you just tell me how you want me to handle it and I'll do it accordingly. I think obviously I like the tennis ball approach, which reminds me of a story. Launch missiles. It pains me to tell this story. So yesterday Jennifer and I are at the doctor for her. She's got a sore throat, fluid in her ear, all this stuff.

So the doctor's checking her out and she's like, such a good story. I fucking was so mad. She's like, well, your resting heart rate is great. It's like 80 something. And Jennifer's like, that's kind of high for me. And she says, oh,

Well, you must be an athlete. And I just I said out loud, oh, my gosh, please do not stoke this fire. So we go on for a few minutes. Then she's putting in something about her deal. And she's like, oh, well, I can tell by your session such that you're an athlete. And I was just like, Jesus Christ, shut the fuck up. Do not encourage this woman.

It's bad. Here's what's so great about this whole thing, listener. This could have happened and I wouldn't have had a witness to it. And then I would have come on the podcast and I would have sounded like I was making it up. But we're sitting in there and she does my oxygen thing and the resting heart rate, my blood pressure, everything. And she's like, "Wow, you're in incredible shape." These are the stats of an athlete. And I'm just looking over at Pops, smug AF. It was

to be sick was totally worth it for this moment. Like this was one of those moments. And the one person that I wanted to be tortured by this was my very best friend, the dawning of an angel, Angelina Pampkantina. And she was right there. But I have to say, Pamps is such a good friend that she actually took me to the doctor and then to pay her back for being so sweet. I took her and got manicure and pedicure, but that was really fun. Let me tell you what I've had it with.

All right. I've had it with our friend Renee Stubbs. And listener, you might not know who Renee Stubbs is. Renee Stubbs is a former Grand Slam tennis champion, doubles champion from Australia. She's an ESPN news commentator for tennis. Every January, she heads over to Australia to cover the Australian Open.

So, it starts with this barrage because it's summer down there, winter up here. It starts with this barrage of her hanging out with all the top tennis players at the Australian Open. And then she's with all these beautiful lesbians on beaches. And it just keeps going and going. Well, the Australian Open comes to a screeching halt.

We're inaugurating dipshit over here. The weather's terrible. It's everybody knows it's like, you know, cinder blocks raining down on you and you're just like, fuck. So you get on social media for a respite from all the fuckery, right? And our dear friend Renee Stubbs, every single post is like she's on a boat.

She's at Bondi Beach. She's at these fabulous houses floating on rafts. And I ended up getting pretty aggressive in my DMs to her. I was like, this is infuriating. I've had it. And it just keeps going and going and going. She finally lands back in New York mid-February. And then she...

starts texting pumps in me to flex on us more. She's like, yeah, I'm just here for a few days and then I'm heading to Whistler and then I'm going to Palm Springs for a bit with like a kissy face emoji. And this is just high level trolling. Yeah. And what's so good about this trolling is she's not intentionally targeting us. This is what we feel like we're the targets. So it's so successful. Like it's wildly successful trolling and I've just had it. Yeah, I've had it. I mean her life, I about one

Once a week, I will send her a text that says, I just want your life. I want to be you. I want to have a beautiful girlfriend and travel all over the world all the time and be with all the famous people. That's what I want to do. But instead, she gets to do it. She's always gorgeous. And here's the thing. You want to hate her, but she's not the likable person on the planet. The nicest person on the planet. Yeah. Love her. All right.

Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star of the show, America's legal eagle, despite us finding out there actually is a legal eagle who's like wildly successful. Right. Somebody messaged me, I can't remember who it was, that like their roommate got engaged to the real legal eagle. Really? Yes. It was crazy. Okay. I can't remember who it was because I have like sick brain. Okay. I want to share a story with you guys. Kylie, are you here?

I'm here. They're sweet, Kylie. Okay. I want to share a story that I had forgotten about. And I just think it's a really good, a really good story. And in Trump's America, we need these type of good stories for camaraderie. So Pumps and I have this friend, Julie, and I've been friends with her forever. She's like loyal as shit, tough as nails. Like you're so happy that she likes you because you know, if she doesn't, you're screwed.

So, Julie's not to be trifled with, right? No. So, Julie calls me one day and she's like, "Oh my God, my car was stolen out of my driveway." Like what? She's like, "I accidentally left the keys in it. I didn't mean to. I ran in. I came back out. It's gone. I'm coming to pick you up. We're going to drive around and look for it." This is before like the cars had GPS. So, maybe it was like five, six years ago, not that long ago. And I'm always game for an investigation. So, I was like, "Pick me up. I'm ready. Let's go."

So we start driving through neighborhoods and Julie will get up at 4:00 AM and do more by 7:00 AM than most people do in a month. Like she's a highly productive individual and she's kind of manic, right? But like the good kind of manic. So we're driving around and then she's like, you know what? Let's divide and conquer. You get in your car, I'm gonna get in my car. I think we can cover more space. We're driving around looking everywhere for a car and Oklahoma City is like the second largest landmass city that there is. So we're never gonna find it, right?

Well, about like 10 days later, Julie calls me and she goes, "Oh my God, such and such just called me. She saw, and it was a white Volvo SUV. She said she saw a white Volvo SUV over, and it's like a mile from where I live and behind this apartment complex. I think it's my car. I'm going to come pick you up. Let's go." So we drive over there. Sure enough, it's her car. Like we found it because Julie had sent out like

mass alerts to everybody in Oklahoma City. My car was stolen. Keep an eye out, blah, blah. So we call 911. Police come. And they're like, okay, do you have your registration or title? She's like, yeah. He's like, okay, all right, you can take your car. She's like, don't you want to interview me and fingerprint the car? And the cops are like,

uh no like your car was stolen here's your car we're moving on we have bigger fish to fry she's like i mean you don't want to take fingerprints or anything he's like you got your car back move on down the road julie was having none of it she launches her own personal investigation and i have to say i was recruited to be the assistant investigator

So Julie starts going door to door around this apartment complex, interviewing people, right? Like, hey, do you know who was driving that white car? Across the street from the apartment complex is this house. And these people were like, oh yeah, Billy was driving that car. Well, that was my car. Julie's super confrontational. Again, listener, I said she's not to be trifled with, right? Right. So they're like, oh, well, he said that somebody gave it to him or he was borrowing it. She's, well, no, he stole it.

and i need my keys back because she had a spare key and the cops let her take it with a scare spare key but she didn't have the original set of keys like all right we'll tell billy so julie proceeds because the police were far from helpful in this matter because they considered it a case solved julie was having no part of that so she starts going to this house three and four times a day is billy here i still need to get my keys back is billy here i need my keys billy here i need my keys relentless

Finally, like four days later, she walks outside and goes to get her mail. And there's a sack and a note in her mailbox. Her keys are in the sack. And there's a note that says, "Billy didn't mean to steal your car. He doesn't live in this house. Please leave these people alone."

here's the thing about julie she's maybe five two or five three a hundred pounds soaking wet i mean but she is like a baller like you do not want to be on the right i can here's the deal it takes me zero imagination to see her rolling up to that house every day three or four times a day knocking on the door i need my keys where's billy i mean they put him on her porch and said leave these people alone leave these people alone she beat the criminals down so much

though that they wrote a handwritten note and returned the keys to her house. I mean, it's just unbelievable. And every single key was on there. And I mean, it was just like, she was not going to let it go. And still like, she calls me and we're dying laughing. And she's still like, I want to know why you did it. I'm like, Julie, you have to stop. Stop.

Is that not fantastic? She would duct tape him to a chair and do a full interview had she gotten her hands on Billy. There's no question about it. Waterboard that guy. Yeah. Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid.

In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is...

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now. Some might say homes.com is the best home shopping site. Could it be because it has a sleek, spam-free site?

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Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Potential savings will vary. Not available in all states or situations. Kylie, what's going on on the internet regarding our podcast? Anything good? I have two reviews and an email for you. And we're going to start with the good review. Okay. Okay.

Five stars. Saving me right now. And MDMom94 writes, I don't know why all your negativity and complaining about Trump's America makes me feel better. I can't watch the news anymore because it depresses me, but I'll listen to you anytime. Keep up the good fight. That's the energy we have to have. That's what we're trying to do. We have to keep people engaged and we can't pre-surrender to all this shit.

No. Okay, this one is one star review. Oh, good. And it's short and sweet. Shut up about Trump. And then they also write, shut up about Trump. Oh my God, Jasmine. Jasmine is MAGA all the way. She might be dark MAGA. That is so, you know what's so crazy to me that like,

At the end of this, it's not going to end well. Like he's not a spring chicken. At some point, Trumpism will come to an end. He is a person. Now, Trumpism as a movement may live on, but it's not going to be as contagious because there's something about this guy that these people like. And they're going to have to look back on that and go, oh my God, like I was a nut for this guy that can't blend his makeup.

Do you think they will? Or do you think they just go? I mean, I look at people like in Scientology, that's what I compare it to. And you've got the diehards that you can't say one word about David Miscavige. They are just like, you cannot say one word. Same thing about Jesus, the whole nine. I just don't think that they'll ever cycle out of it unless they get, what do you call it? Deprogrammed.

I mean, I just don't think him dying and a new person coming in, even though I know they say he's charismatic, I don't understand it. But I just can't imagine that they'd be like, yeah, he was really bad. I think like after January 6th,

Even Fox News was criticizing him. It was short and it was short lived. Even your mother, who's a triple time Trump voter, criticized him after January 6th. But then they all went back on board. But what he's doing right now, this level of dismantling of our security, our country, our allies, there will be some Monday morning quarterbacking. And I'm going to tell you what, listener.

We're not going to let them have it. We're going to go. You did it three times. You did it three times. You tripled down. You made Canada hate us. Yes. You can't make Canada hate anything. They're the nicest people on the planet. I know. I know. Okay. Kylie, what's next on the agenda? I've got an email for you. I'm going to read.

This is from Samuel and Samuel writes, hi mamas. Since you both are such big fans of nicknames, I wanted to share a funny story. I had my headphones in watching one of your episodes on YouTube when my husband came home from work and he asked what I was doing. I replied, oh, just watching my favorite ladies bitch and moan. He then asked me who are bitch and moan.

I damn near died laughing. So in the spirit of nicknames, I think you should add these to your list. Obviously, Jen is bitch. Angie is moan, which is a double entendre because as the permanent record shows, nobody has given her a real reason to moan in the last 1,962 days. Love you all so much. Keep it up.

Okay. That is so good. That's so good. And I love like, you're the bitch. I'm the moan, the double entendre. I love a double entendre. Well, my brain went there immediately. Immediately. Before Sam, before Kylie read what Sam wrote. And I was like, oh, it's perfect that she'd be moaned because she hasn't been laid. And so we can just keep gaslighting the whole situation. I loved it. I love a double entendre as well. All right, Kylie, what else do we have in store for our banger of an episode today?

We have a couple news stories and funny images that you've sent me. I'm going to pop those up. Okay. Oh my God. Okay, Paps, I wanted to show you this. Listener, I'm going to describe it for you. There is the Carrollton Church of Christ and one side of their outdoor sign says, "You have a God-sized hole in you." And the other side says, "How are you trying to fill it in?"

You know, it's so funny, all of the erotica and some of the language, you know, with some of these churches, it absolutely cracks me up. Okay, Kylie, what's next? Okay. A conservative writer who accused drag queens of grooming kids is arrested for child molestation. Not even a kind of a surprise?

I know we say it all the time. The people that are screaming the loudest

are the ones that are doing it. All these people that are on and on about, you know, people being gay, they're the ones that are crashing Grindr at the Republican National Convention two times. I mean, this is chapter and verse projection. And I will say, I will give MAGA credit for one thing. Their projection is like nothing I've ever seen. And you should have seen my ex-husband. Like, he was child's play compared to these motherfuckers. What?

just the projection, like he's talking about grooming and of course he's grooming. They're always trying to cover it up. No, no, no, no. I'm saying like he was always projecting stupid shit on me. I'm just saying I've been around a lot of projection, not about, no, no, no, no, no, no, not about that. But I'm just saying, you know, he would sit in church and point out the husbands that were unfaithful.

Right. He was the worst offender. So I'm just saying I'm familiar with projection and these people have, I mean, have it sewed up. All right, Kylie, what's next?

Okay, dealer's choice. Do you guys want to read a couple listener had its they've written in or do you want to do voice memos? Let's read a couple of had its and end with voice memos. Okay, Bill says I've had it with unsolicited iPhone notification. Let me give you an example. I don't need five notification and deals from DoorDash and Uber Eats a day.

You'd think the simple solution would be just turn them off, but it's not quite that easy. If I turned off those delicious food delivery app notifications, I'd never know when the food my fat ass ordered is nearing my doorstep and the notifications always come up when I'm in the middle of something. It's harassment and it needs to stop.

Okay, Bill, I have this exact same struggle because I have turned off my notifications from Uber Eats. And then 10 minutes after my food's delivered, I finally figure it out. So you're torn. Do you keep your...

notifications on so you know when your food's there? Or do you get harassed all day long with the stupid shit? It's a catch 22 bill. I get it. I've had it too. I wish you could just have the notifications when your orders out. You didn't have to have them 24 seven.

Yeah, I'm anti-notifications. However, I am still somewhat jealous that Netflix sends you shows to watch. I wish I could trade that to where you didn't get them and then I got them, but I don't know how to do that. I don't want to go into the settings of my phone. Yeah, no, I got another one this weekend.

Would you screenshot them and send them to me? I'm always looking for a good show. Okay. Okay. Next up, Rose says, I've had it with working in an office. I spend an inordinate amount of time around full grown adults who can't rinse out a sink or throw away expired food. And it's killing my brain cells one by one. One man I work with is notorious for not washing his hands after using the urinal.

And another woman likes to walk around the office, including the bathroom, without shoes. Corporate America is, in my estimation, little more than a petri dish designed to germinate the next big plague a la COVID, Spanish influenza and the Black Death.

Coupled with the crunchy moms who don't wear deodorant and mushy sandwiches in the fridge that just might be the only holdover left from the Carter administration. I can almost guarantee we'll be ground zero for the next deadly pathogen that sweeps the streets of gin pumps in Kathy's America. Hey, Rose, we don't have a very big office. No. But I have to say...

The situation is it all comes back down to sharing. Right. Sharing is hard. And it's one of the first thing our parents teach us. And our instinct as a toddler is no, mine, mine.

And I still feel that. I can still feel that sometimes. And it's not necessarily like if I have something, I'll give it. It's more about my personal space I'm very selfish with. Pumps, what about you? Okay, here's the deal. Not washing the hands is fucking gross. I mean, that's just- Let's talk about that. The urinal. The urinal? I mean, that is disgusting. Here's the thing. Let me ask you something, Pumps.

you know i like to you know just mess with you a little bit what if the guy's hot and you know for 100 certain because i know what a size queen you are and our listener knows what a size queen you are i mean you talk about large dicks at a rate the likes of which this country has never seen and so i'm just curious for somebody that has such an insatiable appetite for large cock as you

This guy is good looking. We're talking salt and pepper hair, like 48 to fit to your age and well-dressed, great bullshit. Everything about him is a 12 out of 10. You find out that he goes and he uses the urinal and all the other coworkers are like, "He doesn't wash his hands."

Are you grossed out if he touches hand or not? Do not give one fuck about it. If he's got a big dick and he's hot, give two shits. Okay, what about- I'm not a germaphobe. What about teeny weeny, not on and MAGA?

Teeny weeny, not hot and maggot. Any one of those is the disqualifier. All three together is the mess. How do you feel if he touches you? He tries to touch your hand with his little penis maggot infected hand. What do you do? Do you go exfoliate the hand? What's your course of action? I know you don't wash your hand. Please don't touch me. It's gross. Even though if he was hot and had a big dick, I would be like, put him in my mouth. I don't care.

Thanks for sharing, Pubs. Okay, Kylie. The barefoot? The barefoot? Oh, yeah. In a workspace? Okay, here's the deal. I don't see these anymore, and maybe they don't still exist, but no shoes, no shirt, no service. That was like everywhere when we were growing up. There is absolutely no reason on planet Earth somebody should take their shoes off and walk around at work. I mean, I get if you have to readjust your sock or whatever. Walking around with no shoes, that's just gross. Okay, I get it.

We do this. You and I sometimes take our shoes off and walk around the podcast. There's five people at our office. I know, but I'm just saying we do it sometimes. I mean, we don't make a habit of it. It's not like we roll around without shoes on. I was going to say, I have a new thing I've adopted. I've been taking my shoes off and like walking around with my socks in the studio, in the office. Has anyone noticed? Am I grossing you out? I haven't noticed and I don't care. They're clean socks. I will say...

I think it was her name, Rose. I think Rose's point is this sounds like a pretty big office space. Yes. And taking a barefoot into a large corporate restroom is a level of

A lot of give a fuck meter being broken, I'm attracted to, I like it. That level of I don't give a fuck that I'm going to step in people's shedding of their bodily stuff in a bathroom, I'm out on that. I would rather if I had to choose a coworker that walked around with their shoes off or didn't wash their hands after they peed, I think I would choose the no hand washing because I'm not going to touch the person. But just walking around seeing people's feet, ugh.

okay let me first get more i think let me ask you this if you could only wash your hands either before a meal or after a meal for the rest of your life and that includes meals that you have to use your hands for i'm talking like buffalo wings greasy stuff that you have to touch and hold but you can only do one or the other what do you do after

Me too. Because I mean, I want to stay off. Same. And I'm just not a huge germaphobe at all. I mean, I had three kids. So like Luke, when he was my youngest, had a pacifier forever. I remember. The first baby, you know, you boil the bottle, you do all that shit.

I remember distinctly walking through the mall when people still went to the malls with him in a stroller and his pacifier. He was maybe six months old. His pacifier went flying out of the stroller. I remember picking it up, wiping it on my jeans and sticking it back in his mouth. He's fine. Yeah. All right. What do we have next today, Kylie? We have one last listener had it. Okay.

All right, Kyle says, "Had it with people who merge at the last possible second in a construction zone.

There are signs for two plus miles warning you that the right lane is ending. It even reminds you every half mile that the right lane is ending. I have already done my due diligence and moved myself out of the right lane well in advance to it ending. Then at the last fucking second, you've got some asshole who is barreling down the right lane about to hit the orange cones.

turning signal on, cutting you off at 60 plus miles per hour. Like what? What's the issue? Can you not read the signs? It is not my emergency that you have poor planning. I've had it up my eyeballs with the incompetence of drivers. Kyle, I feel this with every molecule of DNA in my body. I always get mad at like road rage.

I try to like, you're not getting it. I'm not going to give it to you. I'm like, I mean, I'm just like, there's not a piece of paper between us. I won't do it. Yeah. I'm not doing it. I am like, I am not letting this person in. This is a showboater. This is a person who thinks the rules don't apply to them. We're all going to end up getting to the place within this, around the same time period. I think we all have to

the people that enable these showboaters and let them in at the last minute i hold them more responsible than i do the showboater because these are the enablers i agree totally agree everybody just needs to be like you know especially in america this episode of i've had it is brought to you by booking.com booking.yeah

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We've got a couple voice memos, and up first, we've got Shelby. Hey, Ken, Polly, Frumps, and Sean, this is Shelbert's Ass, and I just wanted to let y'all know that I have fucking had it with people taking dead people home. A while back, my grandpa died, and my grandma got cremated, and she called me, and she said, do you want a piece of your grandpa?

No. What do you mean? Put that man in the ground so he could be at peace. Shit. No. Well, you could make a little you could make a necklace or something. No, I don't want a grandpa necklace. You keep that.

Why are we taking dead people home? Put that man in the ground. Put him on the ground. This is an oversight I want addressed. I know we've already had, you know, the vice president on and it's too late, but this needs to be solved. Quit taking dead people home. Well, given that you have your cat's ashes, Jennifer, what do you have to say for yourself?

I have to say that I am for the cremating and taking the body home. I really genuinely am. I think that

embalming people and like trying to preserve them seems like so weird. And like putting them in these soft cushy coffins and then putting them in the ground is more bizarre to me personally. And I love the collar and I love the grievance and I love the delivery and all of that. But I'm for the cremating and taking the person home. Like I remember I had this friend, he's dead now, but

His name was Drew and he was this great hairdresser when I was in my early twenties, gay guy. And his partner for many, many years died of AIDS during the AIDS crisis in the eighties. And he had his partner cremated and he had his partner's ashes. And my friend Drew ended up dying of AIDS many years later. But I

I always liked that when I went to his house, he had his partner there. I don't know. I just kind of liked it. I liked the whole cremating and then like that the person's there. And then I have three dead animals, ashes just right over here to my left collar. Okay. I have a confession to make that I'd kind of forgotten about until this had it. But my ex-mother-in-law was cremated. And we made- The one you hated? The one I fucking hated. So I'm in the attic.

And there's like this heavy box and I didn't know what it was. Oh no. We were moving and it was her ashes. I mean, I didn't spill them or anything. And so I tell my assistant, I'm like, these are here. Like take them to work, you know, do whatever you want to do with them. And he's like, well, I don't know what to do with them. What am I supposed to do with them? I'm like, well, what am I supposed to do with them? So went back and forth and he's just like, do whatever you want with them.

I know what you did. I threw him away. I knew it. You're dead. I knew it. You can throw my ashes away. I don't care because I'm dead. So I did. Did he know? Oh, thank goodness he didn't. I don't think so. He never asked me again. It was his mother. I knew. The minute you said attic and you found your mother-in-law's ashes, I knew exactly what you did with them. I knew. I knew. I sought out solutions, but he had none. Yeah. I mean, you were in a...

difficult situation i guess here's the deal like my dad died i had him cremated i just said get rid of it like not very it's just like wearing his ashes i don't know i told it i paid for them to they were cremated okay let me ask you this i dropped dead today and i was cremated and i put in my will that i wanted for you to have 25 of my ashes would you throw them away

Ultimately, yes. I mean, I might keep him around for a little bit, but at some point, you know me, I throw shit away. Like I'm not a collector. I'm the opposite of a hoarder. So it'd be like, okay, love you, kiss. You're dead. So how long do you think you'd keep me around before you threw me away?

I'd say probably a year or two. Okay, I'm going to go to my estate planner just for spite. Make me wear a necklace. The likelihood of this is obviously very slim considering how much older you are than I. But I am going to put in that I want you to receive something like 33, some weird number, 33.8% of my ashes.

and that I want you to keep them around until your death. And then I want my ashes mixed with your ashes. I'm gonna get it notarized. I'm gonna file it in court. I'm gonna do as much as I possibly can to torture you

from the grave with these ashes because I do think it would bring you some joy later in life to go, God damn it, your fucking ashes. She won't let me throw them away. She's got a court order. And I think it will give you something. I would like it. It would be some grievance. And so that's going to be my gift to do in the very, very small chance.

that I happened to pass before you considering the aforementioned athleticism and health stats that you witnessed at the doctor's office. Like if I died, would you want part of my ashes? Yes. Yes, I would. I just think you're saying that. No, I'm not. I would want them and I would take them somewhere and I would like, I would take them to

Mexico where we've gone on Thanksgiving and put them on the beach and have a, yes, I would. Okay. Now that I can see, like if you take somebody's ashes and they love a place and you get, and you like throw their ashes out, I'm,

I'm all for that. You know what else I would do? You know what else I would do for you? What? I would take all of your dead animals' ashes and mix your ashes with your dead animals. And I would go take you and your animals, mix them equally, make sure everybody's all mixed up together and throw it all the places that brought you joy because that's how I love. I don't just discard people after a year. I don't discard people, but it's- That's what you said you'd do with me, Kyla. Rewind the tape. I just, you're dead.

Well, I didn't- The real test will be when Ollie, when my, the love of my life, but I didn't, the vet got rid of Bodie. I didn't get his ashes, but we'll see what- Oh, you'll want that French Bulldog's ashes. And then you'll put, you'll start turning into a nut. One of your ashes mixed with the French Bulldog's ashes.

I'm not ruling that out. But let me just tell you that I will be calling my attorney that has my living will. And I'm going to draft as many, a flurry of legal documents as possible to make sure that I give you something to bitch about because I know it brings you joy. Yeah, it does. It would bring me, it would take years off my life. That's what I'm going to do for you in the small instance that you outlive me. Okay, Kylie, last one.

I also want to say I have a friend who their dog died. And so they got the skeleton and it's like standing up like a statue. And it's in like right when you walk in their house, it's one of the first things you see is their dog. Skeleton? The skeleton. Not a taxidermy. Not, yeah, no fur, no skin. The skeleton. That's fucked up. What? Yeah. And it's literally one of the first things you see. The skeleton. The skull. Which you said is...

A dog or cat? It was a dog. How big is this dog? It was a small dog. Is it like on pins? Yeah, it's got like stands. How old are these people? In their 30s. Well, they're married. One's in their 30s, one's in like their 60s. Are they heterosexual? Yeah, they're heterosexual. One's 30 and one's 60? Mm-hmm.

Is it a gold digger situation? No, you know these people. I do? Yeah. I can't believe that. I can't wait to find out who it is. Sorry, listener, but I can't wait to land the plane to figure out who these nuts are. Okay, the last one we will do is Angelina.

I have had it with gym couples. I go to the gym at my apartment complex. There's a couple that constantly goes together, which would be fine if like they each did their own thing, but no, they do everything in tandem. I've seen them doing pushups in sync, lunges in sync. When they use the weight machines, they take turns and cheer each other on. The other day I saw them sitting side by side on the weight bench, kissing and giggling. And I'm just sitting there like,

Like, do you people not know Donald Trump is the president right now? And in the midst of all of that, I have worked up the courage to go to the gym. And then you're subjecting me to this, this public PDA. And of course, of course, they're straight. I've had it. I mean, I have to say, you know, I, this type of shit, like couples that have to do everything together, it gets under my skin. Yeah.

almost disproportionately that it makes me question, am I so mad about this because I secretly in some Freudian way kind of want this? Because why am I reacting to this like this? It just infuriates me because there's just such a lack of individuality to it. And the gym couples that are doing everything together, I mean, I would literally just, like she said, want to scream like, Donald Trump is president. Quit fucking around, you two.

here's the deal when she's describing they're doing joint push-ups and all that i'm thinking somebody's around like nobody is that doing that that somebody's not being naughty outside the relationship that's just my personal opinion i don't know i think it's weird either that or it's like the most brand new relationship we're still in the you you know endorphin rush phase because nobody that's married

wants to do that. That's, that there's no, it's an actual thing. It's an actual enmeshed couples. It's an actual thing where they're addicted to each other. And I've met people like this, where you could,

pry them apart. They're so toxic together. You could pry them apart with a crowbar and they end up just with the strongest magnetic force, just straight back together again. And it's like they're addicted to each other in a very toxic way. It's a very real thing. You know that. We've talked about it. We've identified.

Oh, we have. Yeah. Yes. Armchair history. There's no fucking around in that relationship. Yeah. Yeah. Because they're together constantly. Constantly. Yeah. Yeah. I would like to see some phone history. That's just personal. Uh-huh. I just, I'm just cynical.

I know. Okay, listen up, listeners. We are on Substack. We have a robust YouTube channel. We have another podcast called IHIP News that drops twice daily, which are digestible,

talking points about the fucked up shit that we're living through right now, all of us together. But we're going to get through this and we're going to unapologetically stand up for democracy and human rights. And we're not going to shut up in that right, Pumps. That's exactly right. We have merch and we have a fabulous book coming out. And all of this is hashtag Lincoln bio. And Pumps, why don't you tell them? We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with.

Listen up, patriots, gay-triots, and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20-minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances.

We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? A little bit more enthusiasm. That's it. That's, that's, that's the patriotism that this country needs right there.

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