Two Uglies Make Beauty
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three.

Patriots, Gaitriots, Thatriots. Cuckoo! All right, listen up. It's a new year. Same old bitter us. Yes. I mean, we are not changing, if anything. I want to find more things to be pissed off about in 2025. Yes, and I'm finding it easier all the time. It really is. It's just getting easier. It's getting so much easier to be an asshole. It is. All right, Pumps, what have you had it with? Okay, in the spirit of our new year, I have...

had it with people piling on the same saying. So about six months ago, I heard around the time of the Olympics, give her her flowers, give him his flowers, meaning they should get credit. Their performance deserves praise. I hear give him or her the flowers three or four times a day on different like clips,

social media. I've had it. Why do we all have to say the same thing? There's no originality in sayings. Everybody has to say the same thing. I'm not against people praising performance or any other thing, form of success. You can say I'm a bitter old hag and that's true, but I do cheer for other people to have good things, but I fucking had it with the jumping on and repeated use of the phrase, give him or her the flowers. Yeah.

Let me ask you this. We get a lot of piling on in critiques of us, particularly the bitter old hag. And do you apply that same anger and grievance towards the piling on in the comment section of them calling us bitter old hags? Because it's unoriginal and overused. I would, but there's a little bit of truth to it.

There is. And I think that we are so desperate that any sort of attention we greet with a smile. Positive or negative. Hey, they took the time out of their day to comment on how bitter and how haggish we are. And so, I mean, kudos to them. It could be love. It's passion. It is. It's something. It is something. Yes, because I certainly don't spend my spare time commenting on podcasters'

social media accounts that I don't like. What I do when I don't like somebody is I have nothing to do with any of it. There's zero energy. Well, you know what they say, the opposite of love is not hate. It's ambivalence. I think that's apathy. It's always been ambivalence when it comes to divorce. Anyway, I want to share a story with you. Okay. What I've had it with.

I've had it with drivers that intentionally provoke road rage on purpose. And the other morning I was going to an appointment that was at 7 a.m. And so I left my house around 640 a.m. And as I'm going through a light, right when I hit like the right where I'm about to cross into the intersection, it goes from green to yellow. So I'm totally golden to go on through.

At the same time, this guy who is in the lane that's going to cross the street the other way pulls out about, I don't know, 40% into the intersection. So I have to stop because I'm afraid that I'm going to crash into him. And he kind of looks at me and I kind of look at him and I thought, it's early, whatevs. And the light I look up, it's still yellow at this time. So I have to kind of go around him.

Well, he turns right so that he can be behind me. And then he gets in the lane next to me. And then I hear his engine rev up. He speeds up so that he can be in front of me. But he's in the lane to the left of me. So we're in opposing lanes. But we're in parallel lanes but going the same direction. He has one of those illuminated middle finger things. I've seen those. That you've seen online. So he can light it up.

And he starts repeatedly flipping me off with his little sign that he had installed into his car. And I thought to myself, this little pink arm motherfucker. Right. So we get to the next light and we're right next to each other. So I just go ahead and roll down my window. I mean, guns be damned. Right. So I just go ahead and roll down my window and lean over and I go, do you feel better about yourself? Mind you, it's like 640 a.m. Right. This guy is such a pussy.

He will not look at me. Nothing. He is acting like I'm not even there. And I'm like, oh, so now I'm really starting to feel emboldened. So I'm like, oh, so now you don't have flip me off with your own finger. Can you flip me off with your own finger? Can you not do that? And he's just like, you know, grasping the steering wheel for dear life. So here's what I think this guy does.

I think he saw this little sign that you could buy. Right. To put on the back of your car to flip people off with, you know, a little digital remote control. And he thought, oh, this is fantastic. And he gets up in the morning and he creates instances where he had the red light. I clearly had the right of way where he knew he was going to create some form of me being pissed at him for him protruding into the intersection. And then he tries to create this whole thing so that he can use a sign that

And then I get right next to him and this guy doesn't have the balls to flip me off with his own finger. Because if he wanted to flip me off with his own finger as soon as we got next to each other, if he doubled down, I'd still think he was a nut, but I would respect it. Right. But the fact that he had to hide behind his little sign and then death grip his steering wheel, I just thought, you know, this is the perfect example of a quote unquote alpha male. I'll bark.

No bite. Well, it's also the perfect example of a small wiener. I mean, that just jumps off the page to me. It's been a while since you started talking about penis size. 2025, yeah. 2025, we're going to start talking about small penises. That is little dick syndrome, little dick energy like I've never seen it. So he...

He comes around. I mean, he's obviously not going the direction you are, but he flips it around so he can give you his neon light finger and then won't look at you. That is a pussy. Will not. When we got to after he flipped me off four or five times, I thought, oh, he's so proud of his new sign. Right. I wasn't even that worked up. I thought I'm going to pull up next time. So I rolled down my window. I was like, do you feel better now? Like, you know, 640 in the morning on a Tuesday. Do you feel good about yourself now? Can we can we all go on with our day? Yeah.

will not look at me. And I'm like, come on, come on, at least put your finger out. Flip me off with your own hand. Won't do it. What a pussy. I mean, just a titty baby deluxe. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. All right. I have some news stories I would like to share. This, I believe this, this is a study that says people who walk fast,

tend to be less happy in life. And I have to say, I am a very fast walker. You are a very fast walker. Those are facts. We have a podcast called I've Had It that has a negative

unhappy premise to it. So I would say kudos to you scientists. Right. I would say that's probably right. We are probably the evidence for that because Kylie always bitches about how we walk so fast and she doesn't. Do we, do we think Kylie's happier than we are? Kinda. I worry about how on earth Kylie has any dopamine or serotonin because I think she gets like 800 steps per day on a good day on a good day.

That's about right. And that's pushing it. That's like because I go up and down the stairs at the studio. That's it. And that's it. You have to go to the bathroom. So do you think you're happier than we are as people? I don't know about happier. I'm pretty happy, but I kind of think you guys are secretly happy too. We don't want people to know that, but yeah. Yeah. Zip it, Kylie. We have a brand to protect.

Okay, the next story that I thought was pretty good news. Millennial dads spend three times more time with their kids than their father spent with them. Millennial dads are taking on parenthood with a newfound sense of responsibility spending triple the time with their kids compared to the past.

Research shows a big change in how parents share responsibilities with the number of dads who've never changed a diaper dropping from 43% in 1982 to just 3% today. Oh my gosh, that is great news. I think that's excellent. That is great news. You know, paternity leave wasn't a thing when we were younger and having kids. I had never heard of it.

But now we know men that are taking paternity leave. And I think it's super important. And I think this generation, millennials, Gen Z, what I've been most impressed by with them is that they are destroying gender stereotypes. And to hear that men are taking on responsibility and the tasks aren't so male-female, I think that's great news. I do too. And I know a frustration that we both had when our kids were really little is...

like I would go out of town for like maybe a day or two and I'd get back and Josh would say, I babysat the kids. Right. And I'm like,

No, you didn't babysit the kids. You lived your life in the house with the humans that live there with you. That's not babysitting. That's not a job. That's just waking up and being Josh. That's what that is. And so I hope that that kind of gets dismantled because I found that to be very frustrating. And I think a lot of Gen X baby boomers, they felt like anything they did for the kids was extra because all of the roles were so squarely put on a woman's shoulders. And I think that was just...

It's just really unfair. I do too. I remember going to dinner or going on a girl's trip and my ex-husband would call me 57 times. I'd have to leave spiral notebooks of stuff to do with the kids. And that's bullshit. I mean, that's just bullshit. They're your fucking kids. Take an interest. Be a parent. So I just think that's nothing but good news. And I think it'll be good for the kids eventually. Okay. I think you'll really like this news story. Okay. It's right in your wheelhouse. Excellent. Sperm count.

has declined almost 50% in men across the globe in recent decades.

This trend has been observed globally with potential causes including lifestyle factors such as poor diet, obesity, smoking, and stress, as well as environmental exposure to toxins like pesticides and plastics. Sedentary habits, prolonged heat exposure, and hormonal imbalances may also contribute to this decline, highlighting the multifaceted nature of the issue.

You know, before you said globally, I was going to assume that the sperm count in the United States was down because in Trump's America, beta males thrive and we sit on our computers and we are hateful and misogynistic and racist. But the fact that it's global, I can't blame that on Trump. I'd like to. I'd like to find a reason to blame it on him. But, you know, that doesn't surprise me. Sedentary.

We're on our computers more as a society. You know, the hunting gathering days are more like on an app on your phone ordering stuff. So that's not necessarily a surprise to me. Yeah, it doesn't surprise me one bit. And I think a lot of the reason that people are so much...

less happy, like happiness factors are decreasing, is because we're not moving. Like it is just this total sedentary lifestyle. And when I sit around too much, I am not happy. I do not feel good. We're the opposite that way. Like the more you lounge, the more your happier factor goes up. If I lounge too much, I start to feel this depressive like state or I feel some form of anxiety.

But, you know, it's going to be interesting to see like all the GLP ones, Ozempic, WeGoV. Josh and I were out recently and we were at a basketball game. And he was like, let's look in the audience and see if we can like spot the people that are on Ozempic or WeGoV because of the hollowed out cheeks. And so it's going to be interesting like.

how all of this plays down. Everything is a quick fix, right? Nobody ever has to do the work for anything anymore. Like you want something delivered to your house, click it on your phone. It's there in 10 minutes. You want to lose weight, you get a shot. You want, you know, to date somebody, you get on your app. And so I wonder what the long term, I don't think we'll live long enough to see like

this all of the skirting the system what the impact is going to be on our species right because 20 years skirting we've been anti-skirting for a long time the whole world is set up now to skirt the system right how can you do less to get more absolutely right I mean I was just thinking when you were saying that like I grocery shop when I get up first thing in the morning and it's at my house when I get home from work you know I don't have to go to the grocery store right

Of course, I will never give up my GLP-1. That's my favorite thing on planet Earth. So, you know, I'm a skirter. Yeah, I am too. I'm a total skirter. I get it. But I do not think you can underestimate how the skirting is going to affect long term. Right. It's got to. There's just, we are, particularly Americans, it is a, there is a pill for everything because we have fallen prey so much to big pharma. Yeah.

And the amount of pills that Americans take compared to other countries is staggering. It is staggering. And it's because of all the capitalism in the country. So I think it's going to be really interesting, like when we're old or much older and we have like grandchildren, seeing what the impact. I don't think it's going to be good. Yeah. Okay. I have a question on that. It just reminded me.

If Americans are taking more pills, I can believe that. Do you think with all the ads for all the erectile dysfunction shit that we have, you know, we've got wipes, we've got pills, we've got cream. I see it all the time on ads. Do you think American men are taking more erectile dysfunction pills?

some type of medication supplement, whatever, than European and other countries? No. You don't? You think it's universal? I think the penis is the penis. Okay. And the sex drive is the sex drive. I would love to, you know, I would love for there to be a study that came out that said

that said that MAGA men took more erectile dysfunction than other men. And I welcome the scientists to do that study. But my gut tells me that sex drive is a universal genetically encoded type thing. And that the skirting of trying to get a more fantastic erection would be universal. Gotcha.

All right, Kylie, what's going on on the internet? I've got a couple reviews for you. Okay. This one is titled Eagle Noises, Five Stars. And she writes, as a Hispanic woman, I so appreciate the honesty and unity y'all bring after nonstop yapping of I've had it. May Jennifer always have her sass and may Meemaw always have her curtains. Okay.

Yeah. And fortunately, I think I'm stuck with the curtains. You could go. There's a plastic surgery for that. I know. I've told that story on the air before. Okay. Okay. This one is five stars from Jay titled Brow Beating Works. Okay, Jen. Fine. Here I am.

These white women with southern accents have my heart. I make it a point to have women's voices emanating from my phone as often as possible. It delights me when I hear my husband laugh at them from the other room. If you think you don't have anything in common with them, you're wrong. If you think you know what they're going to say, you're wrong. They make me cackle each episode. Those beautiful jerks. I love it. What a nice review. I like that. Yeah. You know, even assholes like us. Mm-hmm.

can people can find the goodness you know that shows you how unique and amazing our listeners are and smart that they see goodness in us into washed up old and just for the record I don't think I've said this that much in 2025 you're significantly significantly older than I am so um all right I think that's all we have for our intro today listener we do have a guest today

And our guest is comedian and actor. His name is Roy Wood Jr. And he has a special called Lonely Flowers that is going to drop on Hulu on January 17th. Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid.

In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally. And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is...

Life is a lazy Susan of shit sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now.

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As promised, we're back with our guest, comedian and actor Roy Wood Jr. Roy, how are you today? I am well. I'm very well. This is my voice for you all because this podcast has reverence. It is very focused anger, I think is the proper way to put it.

It's not belligerent yelling, ESPN bait anger. It's very exacto knife. I'm tired of ugly people kissing each other. That's right. And there's a passion to it. I've done some research. Yes. You know, the thing about ugly people kissing each other, of course we want ugly people to kiss each other. Of course they should do that. I just don't want to see it. I think when it comes to PDA, um,

You know, we need to have some sort of like a minimum threshold. A minimum threshold of attractiveness. Is it fair to ugly people as we've already deduced scientifically? Two ugly people make a pretty person. So what you're witnessing is the creation of someone amazing. And I think-

We're just so disconnected and angry as a society. I legitimately like it when I see two people making out in public. I know it can be a bit extreme. Right. But I I watch and I don't know if that's creepy, but for like a split, I look for like half a beat too long. And I'm like, man, that's all right. In the midst of all this anger and cussing and yelling and political discord.

There's two people on this bus who love each other enough to say, I don't care who else is on this bus. I'm going to grab that ass. Grab that ass. Yeah, I'm sorry for coming in hot like that. But I just think we have to give a little bit of respect to ugly people. That's why you never really see the parents of gorgeous actors and actresses in Hollywood. Like it's award season right now. You don't really see those parents. They keep them off in storage. Yeah.

That's something I have noticed in my life, like exceptionally beautiful people. I feel like they have average looking kids, but I know a few people that are just unbelievably attractive and I think their parents are below average. So I think there's something to like the unattractive kind of makes attractive. Two sixes make a 10. And that's why when you see two sixes, you know, in your case at a gas station, making out pumping 87 octane into the car, you're,

I think we have to just, we have to go up to them and tell them thank you for what they're about to do for society. Thank you for your service. Let me ask you this. As a connoisseur of watching PDA, where is it too far? What physical movements would you be, would you kind of go, okay, you just took it a little bit too far. What's acceptable and unacceptable in PDA? Okay.

I'm pretty sure the couple in front of me on the plane was fingering once. And I thought that was a little, it's like, like, I understand, like maybe like over the panties or like over the pants, like, you know, you can just rub the hump or just, you know, play with each other on top of your draws. But once you're like over and under and into each other's draws, I thought that was a little. Do you know who Congresswoman Lauren Boebert is?

Oh, yeah. You're talking about Beetlejuice handjob. That's exactly what I'm talking about. That's how I have a lot in my brain. She saved this Beetlejuice handjob dot JPG. So what do we what do we think about that? What do we think about the the handjob at Beetlejuice while vaping, which is I mean, she's doing two things at a time. She's vaping and giving a handjob.

Which is terrible because smokers have dry mouth. So whatever comes after that hand job is going to be terrible. Um,

The only because the theater was crowded and Beetlejuice kind of has kids, I think. And this is as a person who has tried to have sex in a movie theater. Shout out to Barbershop, too. You have to do it week three when it's a little less packed. Right. I think that's the time to do it. And to be fair, Barbershop, too, came out at a time.

before like the stadium seating and the wider, 'cause like this is one of those older theaters where the armrest didn't go up yet. So we're trying to find an angle. - Right. - You can't, like the only angle we're both facing away from the screen, well, that's not cool, but to face the other way, like to do doggy style in the theater facing the screen, there's no railing for her to keep her from falling forward.

So we try to go the other way on the side, but you can't lay down because the aisles aren't wider. We were both kind of big. I used to be like 50 pounds heavier and she was about the same weight as me. So we were both two Huskies, if you will, trying to. So, you know, to Boba's credit, though, they left. I mean, I know they were kind of kicked out, but...

You left. Once you know that you've got it in the bag, why are you still out? Go home and bang. Wait, I need to get back to Barbershop 2. Barbershop 2 back in business. Were you able to execute? Were you able to take it over the finish line or was this a failed attempt? It was failed because once we got on the floor and it was sticky and you're kind of out of the mood of it. And like when you're doing something that slutty,

Once you get out the theater, you kind of look at each other and just, what are we doing? And we just went to California Pizza Kitchen and I dropped her off. And I didn't even try to like go in the house. I just walked into the door like a Southern gentleman and just drove away popcorn kernels in the back of my tummy, heel, finger, sweat. Oh, that's so good. Well, Roy, what have you had it with? I don't even know where to begin with you all, but...

I figure we start a little more serious. I have two or three I for sure want to get to. And if we have time, I have some more nuanced ones. I've had it with work sex scandals being this super big issue in this country without acknowledging that every now and then it works out when you bang your coworker.

I'm not saying every time it works out. I'm not saying that this doesn't, you know, contribute to a power dynamic that creates an opportunity for discrimination and workplace coercion. I'm not saying it's all good, but we act like the act of daring to be attracted to a person who's getting a check with you in the same building is this wrong thing. And it's not.

So do you think workplace romances should be judged on a case by case basis? Yes. Now, if you're banging to get ahead and get a promotion and only you did it one time. No, but I'm talking like this idea that there are some people who work together and are having sex and it works out fine. Right. Kelly Ripa and her husband are number one in daytime.

Right. Their ratings, their ratings are higher than what they were when she was hosting with Ryan Seacrest. Now, I'm not going to say that sex with your co-host is the sole reason why it could have been some chemistry issues, but also sex. I feel like there's instances where it kind of works out. There were there were these two people.

I'm going to try and do this without saying people's names because I'm trying to be respectful of people's space. But there were these two daytime talk show hosts that got outed a while back for having an affair with each other. They were both married, but it turns out they were actually having sex.

Okay. We can argue the rights or wrongs of that, but that couple is still together. Is that not finding love? How is that not considered like how you got there? Yeah. We can argue that that's right or wrong, but the idea that you're still with that person still in a relationship, they got fired. And after getting fired, they started making public appearances together. They didn't hide like some scandal. They were like, no, we were in love. And it's like,

The idea that because of where you met means that your love is unsanctioned or invalid or not right. I don't know. I just think we put a lot of stress on people. And when I say workplace, I'm talking like a real workplace with like Fortune 500 company. I'm not talking about somewhere with a deep fryer. That doesn't count. Everybody's a handsomer.

I agree with you. I think there is obviously like a Matt Lauer situation, which is unacceptable. And we would all agree that there's no space for that in a Fortune 500. But what you're talking about, I agree that society puts this Puritan-like judgment on that.

And we don't know what the state of their marriages were before. And it's really nobody's business. But the fact that they choose to get divorced and choose to stay together really shouldn't be the business of the consumers. And I think this is a very American Puritan judgment about sex that we have to get rid of because –

It's like in France, this kind of shit goes on all the time and nobody thinks anything of it. But this is a uniquely American puritanical bullshit judgment thing. And I know the couple that you're talking about. And I don't think it's my business. And I thought they were both good at their jobs and good for them for being in love. You fumble your family and your career and every picture we see of you since then is smiling. Yeah.

Right.

And it be okay. And it worked out okay from time to time. We act like it's this huge live grenade that's being juggled around. And I understand that because of the Matt Lowers, because of the abuse of politics within the workplace from men. And I get it, but let's not ignore that every now and then you can work with your spouse and maybe it's okay.

Right. I'm far more concerned when it comes to Joe and Mika about them slinking off to Mar-a-Lago to kiss the ring of Donald Trump without bringing their cameras. That bothers me far more than whatever slap and tickle took place before they did that. Yeah. And I think that when you have a when you have happy co-workers like there's also another company, I won't name this company, but there's a company that encourages co-workers to date.

and celebrates when those marriages happen within the building, as if to say, our company is a place where you can meet, not only do your career, you might meet the love of your life. Well, does that not encourage people shooting a shot at the Christmas party and getting drunk and doing something wrong on the dance floor? Probably.

I just, you know, I don't know. It's a weird thing to be fed up with, but I just feel like we only look at one side of the coin with that. And I speak about this as a man who had a girlfriend who worked with him at Golden Corral in 02. Let me ask you this. Was the girlfriend at Golden Corral in 02 the same person at Barbershop 2 or is this different? Oh, no, baby. Oh, no, baby. Barbershop 2, I don't know where she is in life. Okay.

I don't know where she is in life. I hope she's doing well, but it's one of those things you can never run back. Like once you've tried to have sex in a value movie theater, this is back in the day where movies would go. Let me tell you a story, children. There was not only the movies, then there was the dollar movie before the movie got to blockbuster. So we were in the value movie theater. Sticky knees is not romantic.

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All right, Pumps, new year, new us. We are not going to stink at all this year, thanks to our friends at Lume. As everybody knows, I love to play tennis and pickleball as much as I possibly can, but I smell fantastic because of Lume. Lume is so great. I particularly like the all-over body deodorant because you can put it in hard-to-reach places. Like, I'm not ashamed to say I put it in my ass crack and under my boobs.

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I think that at some point we have to have a conversation about how can I put this? The lack of fighting in professional sports. I'm fed up with the lack of fighting in professional sports. I think that

Violence is part of the entertainment value of the sport. And when we really look at the NBA and everything that's been going on in the NBA regarding ratings, I know this is an amazing NBA podcast. This is a great topic to bring up with you too. I know we're huge OKC Thunder fans. Shout out.

Oh, they are running the earth right now. Crushing it. Do they ever lose? No, never. I was just at the Boston Thunder game two days ago. It was magnificent. Shout out to the team. Love you guys. Yeah, SGA's not to be fooled with and Pope. Like they are. That's a whole other conversation. J-Dub, J-Will, let's fucking go. Yeah. Thunder up, baby.

You need a fight once a week in an NBA game. Baseball gives you a fight about once a month. NFL is inherently violent. Hockey fighting is already part of the culture. But the NBA, I just think we need a little bit more fighting. I think golfing could benefit from that.

I don't know quite what you do after the fight. Like in the NHL, there's a locker room to go to after you got your ass whooped. But in golf, you're just kind of outside. Yeah, yeah. That kind of sucks. I don't know. Maybe you have a golf cart or something to take you away. I was out with my son yesterday.

And we went to a natural history museum. And, you know, he's big in history and science and stuff like that. And I've gone to enough of these museums now to where, you know, a lot of natural history museums, they're curated by the same group of people and, you know, the same people, the same tendencies for what they think the museum should have. Right. The curators. Right. I am fed up with us praising extinct animals. They did. Right.

They lost. Why are we praising these animals who couldn't figure out how to stay alive? Kind of a point. It's a pretty good point. It's it's you go into these exhibits and they go, here's the woolly mammoth. And the woolly mammoth was one of the most dangerous and most. Yeah. Then it got cold and he froze like a bitch. And he had wool. What about the T-Rex? Same game. Same game.

Let me ask you this. Have you seen the Jurassic Park movie? Yeah, yeah. I've seen them all. I've seen Chris Pratt's and the Goldberg's. Okay. If, let's say, the crazy billionaires, if they opened up a Jurassic Park, would you go there? No. You know that's coming, right? You know that's coming. They're digging up the bones. They're splicing the genes. They're going to give it some AI, and then we're going to have super creatured

super smart creature, chip controlled. We're going to reintroduce the velociraptor to the ecosystem. Morons. I just, I love the history of the earth and I love exploring that. But whenever we talk about dead animals, whenever we talk about extinct animals, it's just, oh, they were great and then they died. And we're not talking about animals that like died because of human pollution and us changing up the ecosystem.

The duckbill platypus checked out a long time before mankind.

It's bitch ass. Bitch ass. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay to say that some of these animals was bitch made and they just couldn't, they couldn't cut it. Yeah. They lost it. They couldn't cut it. Yeah. What would the world be like if it was still here? It'd lose again because now it's got to go up against pollution. Okay. Roy, now we're going to play a game with you called Had It or Hit It. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it.

I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. Had it or hit it, circling back emails. Oh, hit that. I circled back. I fired off all my circle backs on Jan 6th. I put up a post on Twitter. There's a scene at the end of Terminator 3 Rise of the Machines where Skynet takes over and they fire off all the nuclear missiles to start the end of the world scene.

to start Judgment Day, and there's a beautiful shot of a barn in Iowa, and there's like 50 nuclear missiles rising up on the horizon to end civilization. That's my Gmail outbox at the end of Christmas. I've preset all these emails. I was typing emails on the Christmas night. My brain doesn't turn off. But out of respect to you, I set it to go out Jan 6th. I wish I could do that with text messages.

I'm all for circling back because here's the thing. You're not going to hide from me. You're not going to avoid me. I am as imminent and inevitable as the sunrise. So if you think that ignoring me or slowing your replies is going to change this issue, it's not. I'm going to be right here. And I want you to know that.

And so one email turns into two. There's an issue right now with the charity. I'm not going to say the state that was supposed to donate some money in my name to a cause. And they have not. And it's been four months. I'm not fucking around. You have until Wednesday. So I sent that fucking judgment day missile up.

And lo and behold, got an email back. I'm not going to read you the email I sent them, but I'm going to read you back the email that they sent me. They said, hey, I apologize for this oversight. I thought it was taken care of in November, but there was an issue with our system. We screwed this up. I'm grateful that you pointed this out so that we could correct it. Good quality ass kissing right there.

Thank you for showing me that I'm a fuck up so that I can correct being a fuck up. That's respect. That's what a circle back. That's what a nice stern circle back email gets you. That's inspiration for me to take into 2025 because I'm pretty pissed off heading into this new year. And I like that. I like that a lot. Okay. Had it or hit it. Masculine commercials. Oh, had it. Had it. Why does every commercial have to have...

of fucking dude bro voice. Do you need dude bro voice to sell everything to men? I'm a man. Just tell me to take a bath. I'll buy Old Spice. Just like every commercial is just a man and this one, and I wear their underwear. So this isn't hating. Duluth Trading Company underwear for a man. Yeah.

You can just say draws. Like they've sold, Hanes has sold draws to men for years. They had Michael Jordan and Charles Barkley back in the olden days selling t-shirts. I don't, you don't have to do Mike Todd lemonade and you're drinking lemonade and you're a man. It's like, hey man, it's okay. Like the Old Spice commercials. I love the Old Spice commercials, but I wish that there was a tweak. If there was a tweak I would make to the commercials.

You know the ones I'm talking about. It's Dion Cole and Gabrielle Dennis. And every Old Spice commercial is the woman that's, I took your shit. And then the man turns to the camera, why'd you take my shit? I wanted to take a bath. Yeah.

Why, as a man, are they selling me body wash under the premise that women are annoying? Flip it, because they're in a happy marriage, as far as I can tell. You could flip it, and you could have the woman just come in and go, hey, babe, I love you. Thanks for being a man and supporting and providing and putting a roof over me and the kids' heads and loving us so much. Here's some Old Spice. I'm going to fuck you when you get out the tub. And she was presumed.

And then Dion Cole turns to the camera and goes, see, if you be a man, your woman will take care of you the way she take care of me. And you'd have some old spice, but you at the house must be, motherfucker. That would be just as great of a commercial. And it's framed under the

of a healthy relationship and not two people arguing. Like the bath is his escape. She should be in the tub with him, but you can't do that because God forbid some religious group get outraged at two black people butt naked in a tub enjoying Old Spice. Yeah.

I don't know. It's just you must be a man or you must be mad at woman. This is a Ford truck. Look at the engine drop down in that Ford. You a man to drive your truck next to horses out in the wilderness. Where the fuck are you going? It's just horses. OK, last one. Had it or hit it. Herschel Walker.

Too many people hit Herschel Walker. Yeah. Heard that brother talk. That is, first of all, let me make sure I get this right. You're saying the word Herschel Walker, but he is United States ambassador to the Bahamas. Correct. Herschel Walker.

Now, the second question is to get Herschel Walker to find the Bahamas on a map. Like this map that's behind me, for the people who are just listening, there's a map behind me. You should put Herschel Walker in front of this map of the world and then just go point to the Bahamas and you can have the job.

And I guarantee you, Hershel Walker would point to the Philippines. Oh, no question. No question. If he didn't point to Africa, like a continent, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised. Yeah, it's a very interesting administration. And I will say that I'm nervously anxious to see how it all unfolds. Yeah. Yeah, I think we all are. I mean, I, you know, it's one of these things like where it's,

terrifying, but also like...

something delicious about watching the train wreck. And that's, I think indicative of how screwed up we've all become the last nine years, you know, that it's that we all haven't just, you know, retreated into nihilism. So I don't know. Yeah. It'll be interesting to see, you know, and I think that's part of why I wanted to make sure that my comedy special came out before the inauguration, because I didn't know what the hell was going to happen. Yeah.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm very scared. So let's talk about your comedy special. It's dropping on January 17th, three days before Trump's America begins on Hulu. And it's called Lonely Flowers. I chose to call the special Lonely Flowers because I wanted to talk a little bit about how collectively as a society, I feel like we're all beautiful people, but we have all somehow become siloed and isolated.

When you see a flower by itself on the street, you're like, oh, that's sad. Where are your friends? But when you see flowers together, it's a beautiful and amazing thing. So I just hope that, you know, we can talk a little bit about the loneliness epidemic that's going on in this country. And, you know, dare I say, make a couple of jokes about it as well. Do you all feel like one of your one of your callers on your show a while back was talking about how

How she was done with the people asking the extra questions at the register when you're trying to get rung up. Right. And you're, oh, do you support this cause? Donate the money. Do you want to round up to the next whole dollar? I hate that, too. But I still rather that than self-checkout because I feel like the interaction we've had with the cashier, like if you ever had a bad day and a cashier just said, hey, nice sweater.

And that's enough. Right. That's enough to change your whole emotional dynamic. And like that...

I don't know. I really feel like the retail experience is where a lot of the disconnect started in this country. And because we didn't have casual interactions with strangers, we now view all strangers as threats and weirdos and you don't want to be around anybody in public. And so it's just it's a fun way that I'm thankful to Hulu for giving me an opportunity. But it's a fun way to just dissect what we've turned into since COVID.

Yeah. And I'm, I'm with you like intellectually, I think, yes, we need more human interaction and this is what's missing. And then I go out and interact with humans and then I think I want the fucking self-checkout.

And then when I get to the self-checkout, it's wanting me to tip and donate and do all this shit. And then I'm like, oh, my God, I want the humans. So I don't know what's going on. I'm both a part of the problem and a part of the solution. But at the end of the day, when I do spend time with other people like this fantastic person.

nonstop award-winning podcast that we just episode that is going to obviously go viral that we've just recorded with you. I feel better. I like hearing your take on life and it's the connections that our listeners are hearing right now, hearing us talk. And I do think that with all of the AI that's coming out, AI accounts that's coming out, that human connection is going to be so much more important. So I think I'm going to have to

be a big girl get on my big girl panties and when I go to check out if the registered lady is annoying I need to just embrace it and just answer right back like killer with I don't really want to donate to that today but I really do like that lipstick shade on you you know just start giving what what I need and just and I'm you know what I'm going to start the charm offensive in 2025.

First of all, I'm going to circle back like the motherfucker that you are. I'm going to try to match that energy, which I don't know that I can do. I think you're probably going to be undefeated. But secondly, what I've learned from you, Roy, is we need to start the retail charm offensive. And we need to be super kind to all of these people out there working in all of these places that provide services. You know one place?

One place where you can easily attack and be different is when you go to these places. Because I'm also done with everything being locked up. Like, depending on where you live, you go on a Walgreens, all the shit is locked up. Hey, can you come with me to get the lotion, please? Okay. So then on that walk to get the lotion...

How you been? What's been going on? What's the craziest customer? You'd be surprised. Retail employees, no one talks to them. So they would be thrilled to just tell you something about their day. Just, hey, who was shoplifting that whole thing? And then you'd laugh about crazy people.

Right. And you can make it juicy. You can get some tea and bring that back. Roy, I'm telling you, I can't wait to watch your special. Yeah. Ask these people who's having sex with each other in this building right now. What's the workplace sex drama? Oh, let me tell you, the girl in the pharmacy having sex for Percocets right now. You'd be surprised.

Roy, it has been so much fun having you on. You are fantastic. I know our listeners have loved this and I want to direct everybody to Hulu to listen to, I'm sorry, to watch Lonely Flowers, your standup special dropping January 17th.

Thank you. And next time I'm on, I'll have a camera that has a battery that lasts the entirety of our interview. Get your shit together. Right. You know what? We're going to get my email address because I'm going to start circling back to that thing until the next time you show up with a goddamn camera that works, Roy. Oh, one email and got $5,000 for inner city baseball. That's how that's the energy you got to have in the deuce five. We're not fucking around with people. I like it. I'm bringing it. I'm absolutely bringing it. All right. Thanks so much, Roy. Thanks, Roy. All right. Thank you. Bye.

I'm 100% in on his life plan for 2025. You know what's interesting? The way he explained the lonely flower, that was kind of heartwarming to me. That's a picture I can get behind. It's really heartwarming and as big of assholes as we are. Right. I agree with him that when you go to these places, instead of being so irritated at people that are doing their jobs or asking questions, just...

How are you doing today? Just show some kindness because everybody's struggling. Everybody has to live in Trump's America. You know, and so I think that that his advice on that is really good. And if you want to make it juicier, you can't. So, you know, I'm I hated circlebacks. Now I'm going to embrace them. Although I am a circleback or I'm a huge emailer. Yeah, no. And I don't let people have the energy. Oh, no, I had a percent. He is full blown.

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