Who's Your Momma?
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So are we supposed to start the podcast? Ready? One, two, three. That was good right off the bat. Welcome to I've Had It Podcast. The star of our show, Pumps, is the clappiest clapper in all of podcasting.

I sure am. I sure do enjoy a clap when it comes off the first time. Cha-Cha's with us today. She's the cutest little baby girl in the whole wide world. She's my biological daughter. Y'all look just alike. We do. Facial hair-wise, particularly. That's...

You're hilarious. You're absolutely hilarious. Okay, I want to talk to you and the listener about Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson. Fucking nut. Nut job. Nut. I mean, just a pitiful excuse for a leader. He and his wife believe that it's biblical that he became Speaker of the House. I know. It's crazy. It is 2023. I think that's

Not worse than ask me what my worldview is. Just read the Bible. Here's my issue. This guy, he has written in support of the criminalization of gay sex. Yeah. And then a listener sent me a TikTok where he and his wife were being interviewed on the national news.

And she has that voice that talks like this. It's like pure IVLP. It's Jill Duggar. Yeah. It is full-blown Jill Duggar. These people are cuckoo for Coco. There's no doubt about it. They're crazy. And this is the Speaker of the House. Yeah. A unanimously chosen Speaker of the House by all the Republicans.

He's just as bad as Jim Jordan. He's just not as obnoxious. I think it's the deal. Plus, he doesn't have a bank account. What do you mean he doesn't have a bank account? I mean, since 2016, he says he has no bank account. What? Yes. Although he has a mortgage, but he doesn't have a bank account. So what does he operate in cash? I don't know. How can you pay a mortgage in cash?

He gets his check. I'm assuming it's an electronic deposit from Congress. I mean, I would assume they don't write checks. I don't know. They're investigating it now. But he says he's a man of modest means, so he doesn't need a bank account, which I've never heard anything like that. That's the least issue for me with him. I mean, there's so many. That's the least of which. The most of which is that he and his wife think that it's in the Bible. Yeah.

are biblically inspired that he is now the Speaker of the House. Sorry, listener, cha-cha. I got to get her comfortable. There we go. That's her sniffing. Okay, so that really bothers me. But here's my thing about all of these anti-gay right-wing politicians. This is what really gets in my craw about these people is they act like the gay people are a problem.

Correct. And here's my point. And this is the point that I think a narrative that needs to be drummed up and needs to be beaten all over the country is this drum right here.

There is not an issue with homosexual people. There is an issue with religious indoctrination that causes you to believe and shame people that are gay because they're born that way. And you have all of these people that come out of the closet to rejection and shame by their families, by the people who are supposed to love and accept them.

And that is endorsed by their churches. And now it's endorsed by these leaders. The problem is not with the gay community. The problem lies within the religious community. They are the problem. But there is this narrative that you can't ever criticize religion. And that is what is so wrong with it.

The problem are the judgmental Christians, not the gay people. Agree. 100%. I've had it. I've had it up to my eyeballs because everybody has to tiptoe around it. Nobody can criticize religion. And let me be an equal opportunist. Islam is not friendly to the gays. Christianity is not friendly to the gays. And it is gay people predate these religions. Right.

And homosexuality predates the invention of these religions. And I just I think that the conversation needs to shift from what is what are we doing with the gay community and what's wrong with the gay community to everybody pointing and saying, what the fuck's wrong with your religion? What the fuck is wrong with you? What the what the fuck's going on there, you psycho that would make you.

shame your own child. I don't know. It just makes me so crazy. And to see that this guy is in charge of the House of Representatives. And wasn't he like a big insurrectionist? Yeah, he wanted, he was the one leading the charge for Texas to sue Wisconsin about their voting. He was in charge of that lawsuit, which immediately was dismissed. But yeah, I mean, he's a

He's an election denier. You know what's so fascinating about these quote unquote men of God? Why they like Trump. How immoral they get out of the Trump thing. How immoral they are personally. Right. They're so personally immoral. But they have the hubris in thinking, fucking nailed it. God put me at the speaker of the house. Yeah.

I'm doing so great. I'm going to be Speaker of the House. I just nailed this shit. And if you're a religious person, listener, if some of you are religious, I don't take issue with that. Again, for the permanent record, we take issue with weaponizing your religion for a political agenda and or shaming people in your community that are just trying to live their lives just like you are. Right. Right.

Or imposing your beliefs on somebody else. That's right. Do what all you want to do with your religion. Swing for the fences as long as you're not judgmental and you don't try to make anybody else be in that religious sect.

I would say the best thing that could happen to the Mike Johnsons of the world is for him to have gay children. But then I feel sorry for the kid. I do too. Because then they're going to go through all this religious shaming. Right. That there's something wrong with them. Right. You know? And so it's sad. But anyway, that's just kind of been on my mind a lot lately because that guy's been in the news all the time and it just comes out. I follow up like the human rights campaign on Instagram and it's just all of this anti-gay bullshit.

horrible shit that he's written. I mean, that is so immoral and just such egregious human rights violations and so judgmental. And then he gets on the news with this psycho fucking wife and they both look like sociopaths. Fucking psycho. And I don't think there's any question that this is biblical. I'm just like, what the fuck are you talking about? I don't think there's any question that you're a nut. Under the chapter of Mike Johnson, Speaker of the House.

Right there in the Bible. It's just so absurd. I seriously, I can't take it. And maybe because we live in Oklahoma and I know that all of these people around here vote for people like that, it just really gets in my craw, but it just sits up there a lot. Yeah. He's gross. It's awful. I mean, it's awful. Yeah. It's awful. Kylie, what do you think about the new Speaker of the House?

I only know what you guys have told me. Just now? And a little bit before outside of this episode. So he just sounds exactly like what I assume would get put in that spot, though. Right. It's not surprising at all. That's the sad thing. You just assume the worst about. And we got one out. We didn't. What was his name before? McCarthy. McCarthy, who was a campanian.

Comparatively speaking, a moderate. He is a pussy and he did go to Mar-a-Lago and suck up to Trump while behind his back talking about what a nutty is. Right. Wanting to invoke the 25th Amendment. Right. That's the thing. Anytime there's a small victory, be like, OK, we didn't get him elected. It's always someone worse that follows. Right. McCarthy, believe it or not, as bad as he is, was better. Agree. Agree.

I mean, bad as he was. Yeah. That's how low the bar is. McCarthy, his being crazy is performative. He performs to the far right wing base. This guy that's in there now, he believes that he's crazy. Every particle of DNA in his body is fucking crazy. Agree. And I also, another thing that bugs me, I just want to mention is that we have all the answers to tell you how your life's going to be better. You don't know shit.

You don't know what a mother's options are when she's going to have a baby. That's none of your business. And you don't know what's better. You don't know what it's like to be a transgender kid. You don't know what's better. That pushing their will on us like it's going to be better for us is infuriating. And then the whole like everybody's so wound up.

about transgender people and transgender kids, which I think it's like less than 1% of the population for starters. We did the math on it. I think it's less than 3%. I think it's one. Is it one? I think it was like 3000. I don't want to get it wrong, but nonetheless, it's a very small percentage. And the way they make it sound is that there are transgendered people and children out in the street who,

Lined up. Lined up to kill people. A parade. That is how they make this sound. But, you know, these are also the same people. And our international listeners will get a kick out of this. There was this whole conspiracy theory all across the United States last year that high school kids,

and junior high children were identifying as cats. And the schools were acquiescing to the students that identified as cats and allowing litter boxes to be in the public restroom. So you turn on Fox News, you turn on, you know, any sort of right wing that's like, oh, yeah, these kids got these litter boxes in the bathroom.

In the technological age where everybody has a phone nonstop 24-7 to the point that it's annoying, there is not one photograph of one shit that was taken in a litter box in a school in America. Yet so many people believe this. This guy that Josh plays tennis with, he's like, I'm telling you, I swear to God, it jinx high school in Oklahoma. This is like a suburb outside of Tulsa, listener.

My friend knows a girl who saw a litter box and a kid took a shit in there. And I go, and they didn't take a picture of it? That's a lie. It's a total myth. But that's what these people want to believe, that these transgendered cats are taking shits in litter boxes at the school. None of this shit is happening. And here's the thing. If you have a transgendered kid or if you are transgendered,

They're just looking to try to carve out moments of good in their life, just like the rest of us. I just want to be happy. Leave them the fuck alone and take care of your own fucking kid and maybe quit, maybe deprogram them to not be assholes. Agree. I'll tell you what else just bugs the shit. Let's go. Let's go. I'm riled up. Let's go. Fire off.

okay, here's just what, I just can't even take it anymore. It just goes all through me. If I hear one more person send victims of gun violence thoughts and prayers,

I just want to swan dive off the Empire State Building. The problem is not transgender people. The problem is not black people. It's not brown people. It's not LGBTQIA plus people. It's the fucking guns. And it's the gun net. Yes. Those are the problems we should be dealing with. Not less than 3% of the population. There's more people. I mean, I'm sorry. There's more guns than people in the United States. Yes. But we're worried about less than a fraction of Americans.

a percentage of the population instead of the fucking guns. And it just makes me crazy. You know what's so funny is right-wing Americans think that they have this notion, everybody in the world is just dying to be America, live in America, worships America.

And they don't get it that like when you go abroad, people that live in like Europe are scared to come to America because they don't want to fucking get shot. And how can you blame them? If you were a French woman, would you send your kids to study in America at a high school? No, absolutely not. For a lot of reasons. Guns being one. Right. The homophobia, the racism, all of it. Yeah. I mean, absolutely not. But the guns, I think they're ish.

warnings from other countries about coming to the United States. There's warnings about the homophobia in certain states, particularly Florida. I know off the top of my head is one. Like Canada warns, if you're LGBTQIA plus all the letters, it's a warning to go to Florida. Who's proud of that? I'll tell you who is. Kitten Hill DeSantis with his little kitten heels.

With his little lifts, lying and saying he's 5'11". Oh, is that what he says? I've never known what he says. He says he's 5'11", okay? But he wears about a, I would say, three and a half to four inch kitten heel on his cowboy boot. He's 5'11", both ways. Which means he's probably about 5'6", 5'7". Oh, 100%. And when he puts the kitten heel on, it probably gets him to 5'9", and then he just adds the two inches. So he's probably my height, flat-footed. Yeah. 5'6"-ish. Yeah. Uh-huh.

And probably teeny weeny. Oh, he can't find it over the fat, but whatever. Yeah. I mean, ugh. Pumps, there are so many things in life I wish we could fix. For example, the kids being messy. Yes, I wish we could fix airports. Oh my God, don't even get me started. But you know what, listener? If you suffer from hot flashes, night sweats, brain fog, lack of energy...

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Okay. Would you rather? Okay. Fuck Ron DeSantis or the new Speaker of the House? Do I have to choose? You have to pick. Well, obviously, I'd have to do it doggy style so I couldn't see any face. Well, and you like it from behind so much. I would think both limp dicks. I'd go DeSantis because I think the other guy...

DeSantis, I think on some level kind of knows how fucking maniacal and fucking sinister he is. Like he plays, I mean, he was Ivy League educated, which makes him super dangerous. But I think on some level he knows the performative sellout to the right wing that he does. This fucking nut that's the speaker of the house. You think he believes that? This guy thinks the earth is 5,000 years old. Yeah, I just can't, I can't pick.

I can't believe you're going in on DeSantis. Listen, I don't want to fuck DeSantis. Kylie, I heard she wants to fuck DeSantis. After I edit the words around, that's exactly what it's going to say. That's right. That's right.

Let's just do one more. That's so fun. Listener, this is the shit pumps that I like to do when we're traveling all the time. Okay. Would you rather, this can be a lesbian one. Okay. Would you rather Marjorie Taylor Greene or Lauren Boebert? I would say on that one, I mean, and this is strictly just a vein. Yeah. Who'd you scissor with? I would have to scissor with Lauren Boebert because at least she's, I mean, with her mouth shut, she's far more attractive. So you want to fuck Lauren Boebert? I don't.

For the permanent record. For the permanent record, I'm fucking Rhonda Santus. She's scissoring with Lauren Boebert. See, this is what happens, listener. Every time we start to have a serious conversation about religion in America and exploitation and weaponization of it directed to the LGBTQIA plus community. And then it devolves into this very mature game of would you rather. And this is what happens, doesn't it, Kylie? Every time.

Every time. This is what we did. We start serious. We're going to change the world. The next thing you know, Pumps is scissoring Lauren Boebert. And you're riding high on Ron DeSantis. And I'm taking it from behind. Big old Ronnie. I'm taking a play out of Pumps playbook and taking it from behind. Oh, God, we think we're funny. I'm really sorry, listener. But you know what? That had just been on my mind. And I know that

those of you that remain feel the same way because we've wanted to filter out the people that use religion to hurt other people. And we want this to be a space where we can all share in our desire to support people that are marginalized and let them know that you're loved. And it's okay if you're, if you want to wear clothes that don't go with your birthright,

Jenna tell you we don't give a shit who cares and if these other people do what the fuck is wrong with them like out of all the egregious things that happen in the world that's what you're upset about a guy wearing a skirt who cares who gives a fuck the Pope wears one for God's sake priests do too the Scots yeah all right listen Kylie is here today to share with us

grievances from the listener, which is really one of the fun parts. They always have great ones. It's so fun because you know what? We are always in the market for new things to hate. I mean, I will expand my bitch shit talk about something in a heartbeat. We are so open-minded in the area of shit talking and what other grievance can we add? Right, Kylie?

That's right. Let's see what we can add. Okay. Up first, we've got Dahlia and Iante. I'm Dahlia. And I'm Iante. We're a mother-daughter and we're in California. And we have had it with people complaining about their algorithms. Algorithm. Yeah, right. So they say, why do I always see just buts?

You created it. It's feeding off of what you like. When you complain about what's on your algorithm or what you see, that's because that's what you're interacting with. And it says 100% about what your eyeballs are actually looking at and spending time on. So if you're seeing nothing but butts,

this mom is going to tell you right now, I know what you're staring at. Listen, I know exactly what you're looking at all day because my feed is full of lovely moms and like really nice quotes and

And mine is full of drag queens and fellow lesbians. And that's because that's what we look at. So thank you. We love your pun. Kylie, that was perfect. Perfect. Perfect timing, Kyle. A mother and a daughter. And the mother loves her lesbian daughter. And they sent in a shared grievance of the dumb fucks that cell phone...

when they complain about their own algorithm, wherein it reveals where they spend the majority of their time on the World Wide Web. It's kind of great when people do that. I don't know why all this porn keeps coming up on my Google search history. It's like, because you're obviously watching porn or whatever it is. I don't know why my algorithm is constantly showing people pegging. Yeah.

Why is mine always bringing up symptoms of STDs? I don't know why Pump's algorithm is constantly showing women scissoring.

I did Google that one time, and I did look at a picture, but it did not come back. It's not in your algorithm yet? It's not in my algorithm. Well. But I love the algorithm. That's great. I love it when people like rat themselves out. Yeah. The only thing I see on TikTok is da-da-da-da-da-da. Well, it's because you watch it. Yeah. You like it. Yeah. Because I've gotten busted a couple times with like cooking videos because I'm like, well, that looks really good. And I'm like, you know you're never going to cook it. You know you're never going to go to the store and buy it.

And now you have no one to blame but yourself that it keeps popping up. Now I'm so self-aware about the algorithm that sometimes when I'm hate watching something, like maybe it's some like crazy right wing clip and I'm like,

this is like a train wreck. I've got to watch it. Then about 10 seconds in, I'm like, oh shit, I don't want this shit to start thinking that I'm into it. And I'm like swiping out of it because I don't want to start picking that up. Oh, that's smart. I was just about to say that. Yeah. That's the one thing I don't like about the algorithm because sometimes I want to watch this crazy QAnon video that comes up. Right. Just see how crazy it is. And then I'll watch it and then it's QAnon videos for like two weeks.

You know, that was happening to me, but I fixed it. One time I had, I watched like a blurb from, it was from Fox News, but it had nothing to do with politics. And then I started getting a bunch of Fox News stuff. And so now I won't watch anything. And if it said Jennifer Welch won the lottery news at six on Fox News, I would not watch it.

Because I would never, I just don't want any of that coming up. This is Pumps teaching a master class in algorithm boundaries. Algorithm maintenance. Algorithm boundaries. She does not have boundaries in real life. Right. But when it comes to her algorithm, hell hath no fury. Right.

Like pumps his boundary. I will not do it. I did it one time and I'm like, absolutely not. Because we all know how much you love your left wing echo chamber. I love my left wing echo chamber. Okay, Kylie, who's next? Okay, up next we've got Jared. So...

You know what I fucking had it with? This is Jared, by the way. I have fucking had it with, and we've touched on this subject a little briefly, um, about engagement photos, but what's even a worse offense is staged proposal photos.

Like you mean to tell me that this bitch showed up to the nines with six inch stilettos and that face beat to the gods and she just, Oh my God, I had no idea this was happening. Fuck off. Fuck all the way off. Tom or whoever Terry, her boyfriend is, he didn't want to do this shit. She did this shit. The whole thing. I know we've talked about engagement photos, but stage proposal photos,

Done. Had it. Over it. Totally agree with him. The staged proposal, it is such fucking bullshit. It's so clearly not intimate.

And it's so clearly staged. It's like nobody has a perfect proposal for Instagram. It's just a habit. Nobody has their nails perfectly manicured. A fantastic outfit. All the makeup. Everything is like you just randomly got that super dolled. It would never happen.

To go out with somebody who basically has probably smelled what your shit smells like before. And you're that dulled. And then it's, it is, it's staged. It's fraudulent. Yeah. And then they feign how surprised they are. I love him. He goes, fuck off. Fuck all the way off. And another thing is when people have it.

You have somebody recording it and then all the parents are there and the siblings are there. It's like, you don't think that tipped her off when she walked in? There's a videographer. I mean, it just makes no sense. The thing is, you know, it's really becoming such an ask of people. Everything is, yes. Because you have now, when we got engaged...

It was all done on your own. And then you went and like, maybe you went to your parents afterwards to show them or you went to your friends. But when you got engaged, you were completely alone. Right. Which is really the way it should be because that's what your fucking marriage is going to be like. Right. But now it's, you know, the proposal, the engagement, the fucking circle jerks of showers, all of this stuff. I mean, it's too much. Have you heard about these couples that, um,

Take the last names, like say that my last name is, there was somebody who did this locally. I think it was our governor's daughter, former governor's daughter. But her, one of the, the wife's last name was like Fallon. And then the husband's last name was Bacon. And so they merged them together and it was Falcon, right?

It wasn't hyphenated. No, no, no. You take a part of one person's first name and a part of the other person's last name. Like, okay, Welch and Sullivan. So if we got married- Yeah. Welch-o-vin. Welch-o-vin. Welch-o-vin. Yeah. That's so stupid. I think that's just trying too hard. That's too cute by half. Just enough. It's just, it doesn't have to be that hard. But I think they probably thought it was so cute.

don't you think? Oh, for sure. I just thought, I mean, we're killing it. We're going to start a new trend. I mean, just fast forward to the divorce and the name change. It's easier. Restoration of your maiden name. Check. All right, Kylie, who's next? Okay. Up next, we've got Mary. I have fucking had it with people who hijack you into watching a YouTube video. I was at the grocery store the other day

And I was checking out and the guy likes my shirt. I'm wearing a Smokey the Bear shirt. And he said, hey, have you seen that old ad for Smokey the Bear? That was really funny. And I said, no, I have not, sir. And he said, let me show you it. He pulls out his phone, YouTubes this video of a Smokey the Bear ad from like the 80s.

It enforceably makes me watch it. And there are people in line behind me. So I have had it with people who force you to watch YouTube videos. I agree with her. I totally, totally agree with her. And how about just what a great storyteller she is. She really is. I had on this Smokey the Bear t-shirt. Right. And then the guy's like, remember those ads about Smokey the Bear? Yeah.

I do remember the Smokey the bear ad. Oh, I totally do. I mean, I can't remember the, but I remember the little bear with the hat. Okay. So I have a confession to make. I'm certain that in my life, if I'm telling, if I'm explaining to somebody a funny scene about Curb Your Enthusiasm, which is my favorite show, Larry David, who is my number one favorite person in the world, and I'm telling them about it and they don't get it, I've pulled up YouTube videos to show them. Yeah.

I mean, I would give you a pass because it's Larry David. No, it's a forced watch. It's a forced watch. I've done it. I was telling somebody recently about a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode wherein Larry is dating this woman. And she has this son named Greg.

And Greg is clearly gay. He's about 10 or 11. He's, I mean, clearly gay. And so Larry buys Greg a sewing machine for his birthday and gives it to him. Greg loves it. He's so excited because he's going to make all these costumes, right? And then the mom's mad. She's like, why would you buy him a sewing machine? That's not what you buy a little boy. And he's like,

So I'm telling somebody the story and they don't get it. And so I'm like, I've got to show you the video. And then I like force them to watch it. I think I've done this with Curb Your Enthusiasm. I've done a forced YouTube watch and

At least probably four to five times. Yeah. People do it with TikToks too. Yeah. They make you watch a bunch of TikToks. Yeah. And they never end up funny. No. No. All the ones that you're forced to watch. Mary, thank you for bringing this to my attention. I'm going to do better. I don't do it all the time. But when I'm really passionate about something, much like the guy in the grocery store line was passionate about Smokey the Bear. Yeah.

I share that same passion regarding Larry David and Curb Your Enthusiasm, that Smokey the Bear enthusiasm. And I've done a forced watch. Yeah. Fuck. I don't do that because I'm not that proficient at YouTube. Take you too long to pull the video up. Right. I mean, people have lost interest by the time I figured it out. I'm really thinking about that. I was really wrong. That's a real call out. I've definitely done it. Yeah. It's a bad choice on my part. It's the TikTok videos, the forced TikTok video watching. I have another confession to make.

I have shown people TikTok videos of tennis and pickleball matches. Oh, you have done it with tennis for sure. And French Bulldogs. I'm a problem. You're a problem. Mary. God damn it, Mary. Fucking Mary. I mean, she just hits you right where it hurts. I've done it. I've done all this. Yeah. Not all the time. I don't traffic in it on the daily. Yeah.

But I've shown you, haven't I shown you shots that like Rafa Nadal has taken? Yes, more than once. And I'm super excited about it. And I'm cramming the phone about an inch from your face. You don't even like tennis. I mean, I like it. But you're not fired up about it. Right. I've done a forced watch. On multiple occasions. Have I shown you tennis?

Actually, an instance of this recently was with a dog. Yeah. You were going to show me this dog, which I enjoy. Yeah. But I did get the entire backstory of the dog's life before I was allowed to watch the video as well. Oh, it's Ralphie the Demon Dog. Yes. I want to do a whole episode on this dog. Yeah. I've had that same thing happen with Ralphie. Ralphie the Demon Dog. Shout out Ralphie the Demon Dog. I'm going to do an intro to an upcoming podcast.

devoted to you and you alone because it is a fabulous story despite pumps and Kylie poo-pooing it. I think our listeners will get into it, but I, God damn it, Mary, I have to own my shit. I have to say, I think it's more you're the problem than Ralphie the dog. Wouldn't you agree, Kylie? That's probably true. It's probably true, pumps. Every now and then you can be right. Boy, that hurt. It does. It's a burden being right all the time. I'll happily share it with you some.

Please don't. Pumps, the holidays are upon us. And you know what that means? Making a lot of food, having a lot of friends over, having a lot of family over, which then means you have to clean.

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Okay, up next, we've got Haley. Hi, Pumps and Jessica, I think it is. I finally have an I've had it. I've listened to every single episode that you have ever, ever made. And now I finally have my own I've had it. I have had it with people that ask you to remind them to do something that is their responsibility. Like, let me give you an example. Let's just say,

Someone is supposed to cut your grass. It's a service that you are paying someone to do and they ask you to remind them to do that service. So example, someone's supposed to cut your grass every Tuesday at 5 p.m. Well, let's just say this week I need them to come on Monday instead of Tuesday. So I text them, hey, would you mind coming this week on Monday instead of Tuesday? And they're like, yeah, just remind me. Like, no, this.

It is your reminder. That is your responsibility. Get a journal. Get a planner. Use the calendar on your iPhone. I don't fucking know. It's not my problem. I've had it with that. She's right. She's right. And I love, I mean, imagine being so happy that it took you 96 episodes to figure out your one I've had it. I mean, I love that. She tried. Persevered. She got one. Yeah. She got an I've had it. I think that's true. And I did it. I just did it to my kid on Sunday.

I just said, remind me. I am guilty yet again. Yet again. Yet again. I've done this. I know that there's no question about it, that I've been in a situation with a client and they're like, can you swing by my house on Thursday to tell me if you think this paint color looks good? And I have responded with, sure. Text me in the morning and remind me. I've done it too. I mean, I've done this one a lot. A lot.

I've done it too. And she's spot on. She is 1000% correct. There are two instances that I'm really going to try to do better. The remind me part, I think is going to be much easier for me than when I'm overcome with pure joy and emotion about either Larry David, a French bulldog or tennis. I pity the fool who ends up on the other side of my iPhone. Yeah.

Yeah. This is a big day for us. It is. Gross. Two I've had it. I'm guilty of. And I'm guilty of that one. Yep. Not with clients as bad as with my family and friends. Kylie. What really hurts is that all day yesterday-

I said, Anna, I need to find voice memos. Will you remind me? Don't let me forget all day. Yeah. Please remind me. I forgot this morning. I woke up and I was like, we have to find voice memos. You didn't remind me. And then that's the first one she played. You did not say you didn't remind me. Like it was her fault. You blamed Anna. You blamed Anna.

Oh, that's bad. Poor Anna, who is not an employee of I've Had a Podcast, got blamed for this episode being the failure that it is in that... Multiple failures. Yeah. Multiple failures. Multiple failures. But you know what, Anna, you did a good job picking all of these out. Yes, she did. Because let me tell you why.

These I've had it's are pointing out the hypocrisy that lives right inside me and right inside pumps that we intend to do absolutely nothing about. No, I am going to try to if somebody says, can you do this? I'm going to try to put it in my calendar right then. If I'm driving, that's what kills me. I probably won't. Here's the deal. I think we're fine being hypocrites on these two issues.

Yeah, but it is annoying and I do it all the time. It's annoying as fuck, but I guarantee you I'm still going to tell people, text me. Remind me. Remind me. And she's 100% right and we're 100% wrong. I agree. And Kylie was the worst offender of them all, blaming Ana. Blaming Ana is just, that's the worst part of that whole deal, Kyle. She didn't remind me.

It's all her fault. - Anna. - Nothing's my fault. - Anna, we're sorry. - Okay, who's next? - All right, the last one is from Michelle M., who you might know from I Rule Goddamn City. - Yay, Michelle! - Hey ladies, it's me again. 'Cause you know, I'm a stay-at-home mom. Ain't got nothing better to do than call you guys. I needed to tell you what I've had it with, and it's overachieving moms. I'm at the playground with my daughters,

I don't know. They're off in the woods. They're scootering somewhere. Maybe one of them fell off a slide. Maybe she's bleeding. I'm not sure because I'm trying to get some me time since I'm home with them. Then I got Karen over here who's sliding down the slide. She's pushing them on the swing. First of all, woman, you're going to break that slide. You better watch yourself. Also, like, okay, we get it. Like your mom of the year is,

Wait till you have two, Karen, and then come back to me and let me know how it goes. You'll be sitting right next to me on my phone. I've had it. I don't even know where you start. I love her so much. Michelle, I love you so much because you get it. You get it. You don't know what the fuck your kids are doing or if they're bleeding. You're just trying to get some me time at the park. Laughter

And that is so relatable. So relatable. It is so true because kids like suck the life out of you. They are. They're emotional suction caps. And they're rewarding and all of those things. But the way Michelle articulates that.

That she's just trying to get some me time. She just fucking wants to sit and look at her phone. Right. And just chill the fuck out. If you're bleeding a little bit or somebody's bullying you on the playground, let's just, we'll get past it and deal with it at another point. Give me 30 goddamn minutes without saying mom. And then you got Sally performative Karen over here. Yeah. So you're going to break that slide. It's so true though.

It's so true. There's always one. There's always those moms that are out there trying to dunk on all the other moms. There are. Constantly dunking on everyone. I've had it with these moms that just want to dunk, dunk. And it's such performative bullshit. Right. It is such bullshit. The way Michelle explains motherhood is exactly right.

Exactly what it is.

And it doesn't mean your kids, you're a worse mother than Karen that's sliding down the slide. It's fine. Actually, I think that kids do better in reality. Right. I think it prepares them better for adulthood.

If everything is this veneer of cupcakes, rainbows, unicorns being pumped up the ass 24-7, 365, then you get to adulthood and guess what happens? Grownups aren't that nice. No. And nobody gives a shit about your little bitty tiny accomplishment. Or your little tiny penis. Little bitty penis. I don't know.

Sorry, it was just teed up. It was just teed up. It was teed up. It was teed up, listener. Yeah. I mean, God. We're about 12 in our minds. Damn it. It's bad. All right. I love Michelle. Michelle, I love you. I love you. She's just so great. And you're right. She just nails it. That's exactly how you feel when you have a little kid. 100%. Yeah. You're bleeding a little. You'll be fine. We love Michelle. Michelle came to our live show in Philadelphia. Philadelphia.

And she had it. She was front row. She had a shirt that said, I roll city. And we just at the airport discussed that she might be dead because we hadn't heard from her. There was no we in that. Me and Kylie, not you. You keep trying to pull Kylie into this. And Kylie did not kill Michelle. It was Kylie too. We were talking. We were talking about she must have died. Did you say you thought she died too? I think I brought up the death first. Oh, yeah. I'll do that. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, what if she's dead? Michelle, I did not think that you had died. I thought that you were alive. And...

Hated our guts. Which is more plausible. Yeah.

But in fact, she was busy at the screenshot making her own I've had it merch. Fabulous. Front row tickets. And I just love her. I'm just so glad we have a name with a face. I love her. I follow her on Instagram. Do you? No. Kylie will have to show me how. Michelle, not only did pumps try to kill you off, she doesn't follow you on Instagram. Okay, I will. I wasn't a forced follow is all I'm saying. I wasn't shamed into following. I don't know how to find her.

When there's a will, there's a way. When there's love, you persevere. I'll help you. Thank you, Kyle. Kylie has to help me. Speaking of seeing us on tour, listener, the Hot Shit Tour has a few stops left in this calendar year. Go to our link in bio to come see us, to come see Pumps in person, the star of our show. She's rolling her eyes at me. She is the star of our show, even though...

I like Michelle more through actions. Actions speak louder than words. I hate you so much. I know you do, but you, you know what? I'm stuck with you. You'll never quit me. No, I won't. Never. Never quit. Cause who fucking always has your back? You always. Who's your mama? Yeah.

Who schedules everything? Oh, no. You are my travel mama. Who fucking handles shit? I mean, you're my travel daddy. Who fucking handles shit? Jay Welch. When you're in a pinch of all pinches, who's your girl? Jay Welch. That's right.

That's right. Okay. So anyway, the hot shit to our Patreon is fucking fireball. It's really good. We got this documentary club and everybody in the patron club are called titty babies and all the titty babies do their homework and they report to the patron. And we have these fabulous documentary club sessions as well as bonus content. And, um,

We want you to give us five stars on Apple because we really, for no reason whatsoever, have decided that we want 10,000. We want to look at our bio in Apple and we want the reviews to say 10K. Because we're obsessed with stupid shit. We're obsessed with stupid shit. And I know that more than 10,000 people listen to this because I've seen the numbers, which means a lot of you are lackluster listeners that you don't go ahead and give the review.

I have to say, well, I'm just not going to, but I listen to a lot of podcasts and I never review. Have you given the indictment of Donald Trump podcast you listen to every day a review? No, I have not. I never reviewed a podcast. This is our karma. It's your fault. It's my fault. It is your fucking fault that we're not at 10K yet. I don't even think I would know how. All right. Pumps, tell them. We will see you next Tuesday or Thursday or both. I'll tell you what I've had up with.

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