215: In LA With David Spade
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Hey! Oh my god. We might be drunk. We're here at the Comedy Store. We might be hungover. Yeah, I'm there too. Oof. That bodega will get you. Three hours of sleep, I think. Oh! That was crazy. Five-star hotel, three hours of sleep. Oof. Was that five-star?

It's five star, but in downtown LA. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. Yeah, we got called a, what do we get called? A dive day on the way in? Oh my God, yeah. Guy screamed at that. Made me homesick. Yeah, screaming at us. I was like, hey, let's speed up. Yeah, yeah. Let's walk away. It's 10 in the morning. Right outside the store. Oh yeah. Sunset Boulevard, baby. What a town.

Good movie. Good movie. So just to set the table, we're out here doing a Netflix shoot, a roast, and we're done. And we had a little mixer last night, and now we're here. Yeah, the roast was a lot.

Oh, yeah. It was off the rails. No after party. No after party. No snacks. No nothing. No drinks even. We supplied the booze. We supplied the booze. Nothing, Netflix. Come on. How was the experience for you, Matt, in the audience?

Well, I got there like 5:58 and I stood outside till 8 o'clock. Oh my god. There was one bathroom downstairs. There was like 40 people in line to go to the bathroom. That was insane. Gee, the migrants have a better situation. I mean, I don't want to trash production, but... Trash it. Trash it. It was pretty shitty. They didn't have any organization. Oh, we know. We were there too. Yeah. They didn't tell anybody where to sit. There was just like, "Sit wherever you want."

This is Bedlam. Bedlam. Yeah, Mark turned to me, goes, it's Seth Green in the front row. And then we were like, oh, shit, it's Seth Green in the front row. Like, this might not be a good crowd. Yeah. This is like a celeb crowd. Exactly. Exactly.

It was fun. I mean, it was great guests, great jokes. You guys were fantastic, of course. Tim Dillon did great. Tim was amazing, of course. Oh, Adam Ray killed it. Oh, my God. I mean, we went first, which is probably good, I think. But we did have some dark jokes up top. Yep.

But then by the end, you're just like, get me out of here. I mean, I had a weird moment with Stamos. We got to talk about that. That was that was a weird moment. Super weird. So it's the show's winding down. Thank God we've been physically been sitting on that stage for nine hours. And it really was close to four.

Really? I mean, yeah, that was almost four hours with people doing pickups. It was rough. And Mark and I were itching for a whiskey. Yeah. And Miss Pat's like, didn't you already have one? We're like, I don't think you know how this works. Yeah, it's not a sandwich. I need multiple. Although she might need multiple sandwiches. But you see what I'm saying? Yeah.

Miss Pat's great. But yeah, we're sitting there forever and we work so hard on this. We flew out to L.A. We got up every night. And we have like a week to write this, which is not a lot of time. God bless the writers. We're writing every day around the clock, just trying to perfect it, tweak it. But the writers on this roast are like the unsung heroes. Yes. Because they have to write so much shit. That's true. Shout out like Mike Lawrence, Dickie Egan. Oh, yeah. Pat Barker. Yes. So many good writers. Mike Gibbons. Yeah, he's a beast.

So, yeah, we really worked on it. And then it sucks when you work on something super hard and then the show feels kind of half-assed. So you're like, come on, we did our part, you queefs. Yeah, they didn't know what they were doing. Yeah. Hopefully it came together in post. We don't know yet, but. Editing is pretty magical. They put Jurassic Park together. We'll see what they can do with this. I think this would be harder to put together. I think so, too.

They can open doors. All right. Yeah, no, the Stamos moment was weird. The show's winding down. His segment's not going great, so I decide they're doing a People's Sexiest Man Award thing. John Krasinski. So the joke is he's got the award and Stamos is mad that it's not him, which is very relatable. And it's not hitting. And...

I, you know, we had lines in our head that we wrote. We also had lines that, like, you know, some of his writers feed us. And I'd take a shot and I'd go, I mean, love you, John, but you haven't been anything memorable since Rebecca Romijn. Great joke. Does okay. It's not a hot crowd. No, the crowd was tough. Does okay. And he gets fucking angry. Yeah. Like, something changed in him when I said that. That's true. And it turned into something where he's like, that joke's been done at the Bob Saget roast. And I was like, I mean, that was...

15 years ago. Yeah. I didn't, I'm sorry, I didn't know. It was a line I was fed by a writer. I can't say that. So now it's basically been like, this guy's a joke thief to the crowd. There's not a lot you could do.

Ends with me being like, all right. I'm like a little thrown. It was wild. I thought you guys were going to come to blows. I know. And then he goes, well, this guy's career is dead, which is like the most L.A. Well, you said he's dead. He goes, who's dead? And you go, Bob Saget. Bob Saget. I'm like, that's how long ago it is. And he goes, this guy's career is dead. And it got a pop. And I was just like, that got a pop? I was like, what the fuck? So it was weird. And you can't really bounce back from just being called a thief.

Yeah. It was a weird moment. It was super weird. I mean, none of it's going to make it, I hope. It was weird as hell. It's all on the cutting room floor. But you can't throw the writer under the bus. I can. You're also going back and forth with John Stamos. I mean, that wasn't on my dance card. I did not see that coming. It was weird. We were working on this. Yeah, it was super weird. And we were already exhausted. And I was like, that was fucking... Tim Dillon looked at me like, what the fuck?

Tim Graham would be like, why was he so angry? Yeah, that was crazy. That was weird. I think he's been the butt of a joke for 40 years, and I think he took it all out on you. Yeah, well, it was weird. But man, does he look great. He looks good. He's a full head of hair, handsome son of a B. Split his pants? Yeah, he split his pants, and all the girls went crazy. Must be nice.

Yeah. I really wish we did that in New York or Chicago or like fucking San Diego. Anything. Just get real people in there. I know. I mean, look, I feel like we did pretty well. We did. We did well. We did our part. But, you know, we ran the shit out of this. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. You need more than a week's notice to roast a concept. We're not roasting a person. We're roasting a year. It's a very strange thing. That's what the show was. It was a concept. It was a concept. There was no hard, clear agenda. It was just like, we'll figure it out. That's what the show should be called. We'll figure it out. But we got through it, and we got a story out of it. Stamos. We got yelled at by a hobo. We did Black Sundays, or what is it called? Chocolate Sundays. Chocolate Sundays. Chocolate Sundays.

That was fun. L.A. It's never boring. No, no. It's a wild town, baby. It's always interesting. Tinseltown. La La Land. God damn. It was a weird night. Yes, to say the least. No gift bag? Oh, come on.

What is that? How about like a varsity jacket I'm never going to wear on Netflix? Come on. VH1 gives you a gift pack. I know. They're fucking sinking. They're like, here's a candy bar. Yeah. Comedy Central got you a candle. That's right. Crazy. Come on. Comedy Central will give you good gifts. Netflix is playing fast and loose. I mean, they got to step it up their game.

Flicks people will probably watch it, but you know Comedy Central no one watch, but you get a pair of Jordans right Hey, right, you know Hulu you hear that gift bag gift bag. It was a weird crowd though There was a lot of older people really I mean dude fucking mr. Magoo was in the front row. What was that? Oh, yeah the Monopoly guy

Yeah, Adam Ray got there. He goes, the two guys from the Muppets are here. That was good. That was good. It had to be said. Yeah, what crowd was it? I mean, it was definitely a lot of industry people. Notoriously the worst laughers. And hot girls and celebrities. Not a great batch for stand-up laugh reactions. Yeah, these are hard-honed jokes. We're looking at the crowd. There's women texting. We're like, oh, good. Yeah.

I know. At least there was a Mike Candy there. I was so bored on that stage. Yeah, Seth Green. By the way, I'm next to Mark. We're backstage. We've had a few. And Mark goes, Seth Green is so short. And I'm like, he's right next to us. Oh, yeah. He's a little guy. He definitely heard you say that. Oh, well, it might have gone over his head. Oh!

He's tiny. Sweet guy, though. He was so nice. There was a moment I was like, I'm talking to Seth Green. He's such a nice guy. Yeah. He's been around forever. Oh, yeah. Can't hardly wait. Austin Powers, saw it in the theater. Yeah. Robot Chicken.

You know, Colin Quinn was supposed to be Scott Powers. Wow. That would not have worked. It would have worked. The kid? Yeah. That's why it's funny. He's too old. That's why it's funny. All right. Because he did it in Larry Sanders, the shitty son. Oh, that's true. I think he could have pulled it off. All right. All right. But yeah. Well, he's in a Woody Allen movie, too. New York Stories, I believe. I don't think that's like one I didn't see. Give it a go.

But yeah, we also got to see Derek Myers. What's that guy? Breckenmeyer. Oh, yeah. Clueless fame. So it was a real 90s who's who. That was a real thing where Fruit pointed out like Diplo, that's the DJ? Diplo. I didn't know who that was, but I knew who Breckenmeyer was. I was like, that says a lot about me, I guess. I've seen Road Trip.

Oh, yeah, good point. I didn't even know who Diplo was. He's a DJ, apparently. I don't know. I've heard the name. Yeah, he refucks everybody's girlfriend. Really? That's what I know about Diplo. Damn, I don't know what mine is right now. Yeah, well, we've reached the new Diplo. Shit. But it seems like a nice guy. He was sitting next to Simon Rex. It was two couple of hunks right there. Yeah, that's what I mean. Simon at least laughed, but that was a fucking...

Why would you want an industry crowd at a, maybe it turned out well. Yeah, they'll sweeten. It'll be fine. But you just want to kill and you want the work that you put in to pay off. Yeah. You know, you want to get from them what we put in. But hey, that ain't showbiz, baby. That's why the internet's winning. I can't say it enough. Yeah, it's an ugly biz, buddy. Oh, yeah. It's falling apart. You got to take control.

Speaking of control, we're glad we got that out. Yeah. So watch it on December. When does this come out there, Pete? January, right? Right. Oh, okay. Oh, all right. Wait, this come out before or after the Santino one? After. All right. Well, the show's already out. So take a gander. Take a gander. We did great. Yeah.

They didn't sweeten the crowd. We were killing that hard. That's true. We were just fucking ripping. Yeah, and him and Stamos are moving in together. We're best friends. So it's all going to work out. We got to get out of L.A. I fucking hate it. It's like you said, we're two detectives. We're all road hard, put away wet. We're sipping scotch and crying. I don't sleep. I wake up like a hitman in the hotel. Like, huh? My heart's racing. Oh, yeah.

Been there. Three hours of sleep in that fucking hotel. That's the worst. The worst. What, you just toss it and turn it or you look at the phone? Tossing and turning and I watched a little TV and then I...

I fucking, you just, I keep peeing. Ah, the peeing, yeah. LA's so weird because they're just holding on to this Hollywood thing. Like you drive down Sunset, it's all these billboards for movies and TV shows and you're like, it feels kind of over. It's like if you went to a city and they forced you to speak Latin. Ah, yeah, they're stuck in the past. It's dead. It's done. There's a couple things still popping. Right, right. But it's like overall, it's like...

This ain't the 70s. Yeah. It's like going to Dollywood. I'm like, she's over. Yeah. She's got a moment here and there, but she's not Elvis. She's, Dolly's big. That's true. That's a bad example. I should have gone Graceland. Graceland. He's dead. He's dead. You hear that? You conspiracy nuts? Elvis is dead. JFK is not though. But. It's quite a headshot he's got. All right.

But yeah, so now we're waiting on it. We got a hot guest. Yeah, we got a good one. I'm excited for this one. I guess you saw the thumbnail already. It's not like it's a secret. Yeah. I don't know. Why did we do that? People do that stuff. You got a big guest. Could be anyone. Yeah, that's true. You clicked. Well, we'll see. Could be late. It is LA after all. Gotta be fashionable. Is it fashionable or is it just the traffic?

I used to think it was fashionably late, but it's like we're late everywhere just because we're like, you know. Well, remember that old Ellen joke where she yelled at the staff and then fled the country? No. Where she goes, you ever talk to somebody and they're 25 minutes late? And you're like, what happened? They go, traffic. Like, how do you think I got here? Helicopter in? That's good. It was the 80s. How they got Kobe. He was considerate.

He was. Uh-oh. Is this something? Is this something? No. It's a little blonde girl, so it could be David. Hey, it's that guy.

David and his chair. Oh, he's got to have a nice chair. 50% is here. 50% is just two minutes behind me. That is not the most comfortable chair. I'm shocked. That feels more comfortable than that. Listen. I mean, I'm not... We don't even know what came in. It's no big deal. It's a lovely chair. It's like a church pew. But hi, guys. Nice to meet you. Hey. I work with David. Hey, Heather. Nice to meet you. Thanks for having us. Thanks for doing this. Good boots.

All right, we're switching out a chair. Leave all this in. This is good stuff. There we go. Chairman of the board. Not at all. What was the... Was it a sporting issue? What do you think was the back? I think people have back problems, dude. The body don't get better. Yeah. It was something when he was...

What? See, this is good stuff. Glad I asked. Okay. Oh, boy. Is it traumatizing? I don't want to trigger him. Okay. All right. All right. Great. There you go. Wherever you want.

I gotta tell you, I'm excited about this flight. Oh, I'm so jealous. Not because I like a flight. It's just like, that means it's done. I know. Put a little bow on this shit. I know. When are we going to invent teleportation? What are we waiting for here? Let's get that cooking. This flying back and forth is for the birds. No pun intended. Teleportation. If you kill the airline industry, it'd be beautiful. That would be great. But is there jobs in teleportation? We're killing a lot of jobs. That's a good point.

Be better. Also, it seems like it'd be bad for you. Like, ah, you get like three teleports a year. It's like smoking. You know, you can't do it all the time. Fucks your body up. Yes. You show up without a finger. You're like, ah, damn it. What happened? Teleport. I'd get rid of a pinky if I could just teleport all the time. I would too. You know, if you'd lose your pinky, you lose 50% of your hand strength. Give it a go. I know it sounds crazy, but that's a real, real scientific fact.

Pull it up. I know you don't believe me. I read it in a tweet. How much percent? 50. That can't be right. Maybe. Significantly reduced. It doesn't give you a number. 33 and 54. 33 and 54.

That's crazy. Because this side, I guess, is a lot of the... That's what it is. That's what it is. You see? It's a weird jerk-off without a pinky, too. Well, that's too regal. It's too regal. It's like a cup of tea. Yeah. That's what the Brits are already doing, probably. When I was a kid, my dick was so small, I would do three fingers. You ever do that? I still do that. What am I talking about? You know what's the worst? When a girl's blowing you, and she tries to do the two-hander, and you're like, eh.

Hey, I don't play for the Lakers. The two-hander. Yeah, bringing out a fucking towel. Yeah, I'm on the liberty here. Hey, Dave. We got your chair, you weirdo. Might Be Drunk is brought to you by Perfect Gene. I got one right up my ass. Say goodbye to stiff cardboard denim like this shit this year with the Perfect Gene.

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We got Google. Oh, is that what that is? Hey, we need to pull something up. Hey, pull it up. Pull it up. All right. Hey, man. We're already rolling. Good to see you, dude. Hey, how's it going? Good to see you. Thank you for coming. Good to see you. We're blocking all the promo or whatever. We sell our own hooch. Yeah. There you go. Now, look at you. You got a picture and everything. Fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah. Oh, real. We're a little hungover. We're not going to lie to you. Is that the idea? What?

Well, it's a vice. We did it. We did a little Netflix roast thing last night and we just did not sleep. Is that last night? Yeah. That was the whole thing was last night. I won't call it a whole thing. It was rough. It was bad. But because I thought.

We're going, right? Yeah, we're going. This fucking guy has been here for a half hour. I know, he's good. He's like, oh, you're going to have a guest today? He gets paid in check spots. He got like a full curveball when I walked in. He's like, oh, no one fucking told me about this shit. Anyway, because I went to the improv the other night to bomb, and then they said you guys were after me.

And so I was like, oh, cool. And I was going to stay and say hi. And then I even gave – I saved a good joke for when you guys walked in. So my last joke would be six out of ten, which is a high. We did the urban show after. What's Kreischer doing? By the way, no offense. Kreischer, every guy at the airport looks like Bert Kreischer. That's true. Literally every third person. Every guy in America looks like Bert Kreischer. Right. Right.

And we missed the show because we were here. Yeah, they said you got stuck at the store and they threw someone, some busboy up. We ended up doing DeRay Davis' show and fucking bombing. We died. That was our last show. Yeah. We had to read our roast jokes together. Oh, is that it? So I was hearing about this big Netflix roast. I don't know about big. I don't know if this comes on before or after that, but when does that come on? 27th. This is in January. Oh, so this is...

We'll be over. Yes. So we can trash it. So we'll know. Yeah. So you guys went on together and what did you wrote? You did jokes about the year. The year. Stephen Hawking, Taylor Swift, P. Diddy, all the good stuff. Okay, good. And it went okay. Luigi. Yeah, we did okay. The jokes were pretty good. It's in LA. It was an LA industry type crowd. Yeah. You didn't do it here.

We did it at a store downtown LA, some little tiny theater. They're like, give us a link to promote. And then there's like 250 seats and it's all agents and fucking hot chicks. It was crazy. A couple of B-list celebs. Yeah. Except Green, Breckenmeyer, the other guy. Diplo. So brutal. Yeah. I'm looking at me in the monitor, so keep talking, but I'm just kidding.

Look at the hairs. I just did the hair. I just got a haircut on the way here. Well clothed. Yeah. Looking good. Fishing a little bit. That's all right. I fished a little bit. I got a little tug. We missed that show you were on because we had to apologize to Dane Cook for bumping him. Yeah. Did you bump him here or over there? Here. Oh, how'd it go? It was nice. It was very nice. We kissed the ring a little. Yeah, we...

Showed respect. Yeah, he did. I talked to him recently. He was pretty cool. So, you know, God, that guy's had a fucking roller coaster. Oh, crazy. Yeah. Holy shit. If my brother doesn't give me back 100 bucks. Try millions. I love when you hear millions. You're like.

I know. What was it, 10 mil? I think something. It's a lot of money. Plus, you got to make 30 to make 10. Right, right. You know what I mean? Good point. People throw around money like that, but you're like, fuck, all the money is so hard to come by these days. Talk like this, you're going to move to Austin, you know? I know. I don't know if it's that great. I mean, Austin is cool. Yeah. Yeah.

But you don't escape the federal – I mean there's so much going on. I mean you're getting gunned down no matter where you're going. Yeah. So that's – I like these CEOs that are like – they're like, hey, go ahead and shoot them. Everyone's like, you know what? This is a great idea. I was like, well, if we can shoot everyone we're mad at, then let's – okay. Yeah. Right. But no abortion. Oh, right. Yeah. Anyway, let's look at a clip. Yeah.

We'll be right back. What a cliffhanger. So you guys... I'm running it now. No, you guys go. I'm sorry. Whitney told me she might move there. And I was like, you have a palace here. You live in a great place with a giant infinity pool. Don't leave, you psycho. I agree. I would rather just talk about moving and not move because...

Tim Dillon went and he came back. Came right back. Adam Egan is still there, but he works there. Yeah. So. Begrudgingly. Yeah. I don't know if he loves Austin in particular, but he is there. Yeah. There's only so many girls to fuck. And you're part of the mothership, so it's fun. At least there's stuff to do. Like in my head.

If California gets too tricky with all this shit going on here, I don't know where I'd go. I'm from Arizona. I like it, but there's no one in sync with any sort of showbiz. There's no – I can go on the improv maybe or stand up live. But where do you practice? You get up a lot still. I just – you know what? I didn't for such a long run.

And Adam Egan, I said, he goes, you never come to a comedy store. I go, I'm not past. I tried when I was 21. No way. And Schmitz, he said, no. You had credits. Isn't it a little silly, the whole getting past thing? I never went in here again. And I lived here my whole life. I just drove by it every day and I was like,

Just in my head knowing as a comedian, nope, that's not for me. And then I never went to a show, never saw a show. And wasn't practicing enough doing like a sitcom or a movie. I wasn't really working on my act the way I should be to keep up with everybody. And so once I realized I could go on here and then I went on a few times in the improv, it made it like, oh, my act has to be better. Right. I kind of cobbled it together to do a corporate or to do something. But I was never on tour.

And then I watched everyone like Nate Borgazzi hitting a pinata full of fucking bitcoins and I'm like, wait, this guy – these guys make so much money. Oh, yeah. And they go on the road. But I never in my head thought I can't take that year off of showbiz. And then Alex who handles me and Nate and Nikki and all these people that do great, he

He said, just try it. You can always cancel it. I'm not a – I don't like to cancel. Even spots here. No offense to Bobby Lee, but even spots here. I don't know. I'm with you. Sorry, Whitney. But I don't like to cancel the last second and jack them. So I don't want to cancel a tour when people get babysitters. But they're just like, if you have to move it, move it. So luckily, no movie came up and I did a whole year tour. I didn't have to cancel. So –

I kind of liked it. It was hard. You guys do it all the time. I like The Road, but yeah. The Road is okay, yeah. I'm more fragile and frail, obviously. But I did like working my act and taking it more seriously and just like really – it was scary at first. And then plus if more people are coming in a theater, I've never done theaters.

I'd always just go Irvine Improv, do a couple nights. But how did – when you work out like Take the Hit, that's special. You do hidden clubs? God, I was just doing clubs. And then I think I'd done SNL. So I really never went on – maybe once in SNL in New York. I didn't know any clubs to go on. What? That's crazy. And I just was fucking there until 1 a.m. every night. So I didn't go on. And I think Chris Rock on the weeks off would do it.

maybe on the weeks off but I didn't I was too obsessed with trying to get sketches on and then

After that was a sitcom here, Just Shoot Me. Oh, yeah. Oh, a couple of people remember? I love it, dude. Great show. Great cast. Yeah, thank you. Everyone. Wendy Malick's so funny. Oh, she's great. George Segal. Holy shit. Yeah, it was just her birthday. She's great. So that was a lucky break after SNL. But then I started doing stand-up a little more. Just a couple of clubs and they offered me a special back then when it was –

You know, an HBO special was hard to come by, but I didn't really even appreciate it that much. I was like, oh, okay. It was just one more thing. Like, yeah, yeah. Let me throw it together. But I had never shown any of it. So I really had enough to do it. And then...

In those days, you guys know, well, you're too young, but like if I was opening or middling on the road, the headliner would do about 45 to an hour and they wouldn't change it. I'd see them a year later. It was the same. And they would just fucking drink. Yeah. It's not a bad life. They would just travel. And then the next time they came, it was kind of a new crowd. Right. But nothing new. And so I was not learning. I was not learning like, hey, you got to rotate the shit.

And then I go and do that Take the Hit one, which I did like. That's a great special. Yeah, it's great. It was 10 – I didn't even think about a special again. They weren't everywhere and then Netflix sort of blew it up. Yeah. I think Louis changed it too with all that hour a year shit. That really got people writing. Yeah. And to write – I do like writing and I think I'm a good writer. I like to try to write and it's really just always a Rubik's Cube puzzle to –

crack a joke to figure out something you like if it fucking works it's still the best feeling but you gotta fail I think that's why Eddie Murphy is like I'm gonna come back and then you're like no you're not because you're gonna have to bomb for a year and a half I agree that it's in a new world of filming and even keeping the phones in the pouches oh yeah I don't have the balls to do that yet

It's a little expensive, too. Is it really? Yeah, it's pricey. Oh, it is? It's a pricey move. $15,000 a show or something? The comedy seller just uses like...

Zip lock bag? Yeah, like Staples bags or something. I'm like, this is pretty bad for the environment. Bank of America fucking... It might not work in there. The best is when they're so proud of locking it up, but then the phone rings and the person can't get it open. They're stuck with a fucking... An Amber Alert shit. The kid's dying? Oh, shit. Everyone's got an Amber Alert at the same time. Yeah, so those guys are making at least 15 grand a show. Okay.

Yeah, easily. Spades thrown off the rest of the show. But you've got that commercial money coming in. Oh, yeah. I just have. But honestly, the fact that I have any money left is just because you try to do so many things. Right. And then most of them don't work. I have a sitcom in development right now, animated show, two movies and all this stuff.

And it all sounds good at a party when I tell everyone. Right. It sounds good here. I actually stopped telling people about it 10 years ago because I'm like, first of all, I sound like a fucking asshole. Third of all, when they say, what are you up to? It's just such a weird question. Here's the stuff. I know. I know. Here's my CVS receipt of things in development. Yeah. But when they don't see one happen, it's such a weird business. And then now...

I used to want to do stand-up to do movies. Right. To do a sitcom and it's quietly turning into –

Just do stand-up. And these guys don't really care if they do a movie or do a sitcom. And it's true. Because it's just too tiring to go through it. And it's going away. It's just too hard to get one. There's not as many. Yeah. And there's actually just money in stand-up. You just go and you get paid that night. We like that. Even when they give you a couple bucks to do a set and you get cash, you're like, yeah. Yeah. I love it. Nothing like actual money. Taco money. I love it. A guy like Bargatze, I think he would lose money if he did a movie.

100%. Just stay on the road. Do arenas. Most people would lose. So if you can combine it a bit. Take time off. That's the time you're going to take off the road anyway. You're like, I'll make a movie. But that's also like, I remember talking to Chris Rock once and he was like, you young guys do the road too hard. You got to make other stuff. We can't just make other stuff. It's a different thing. Mark and I are trying to make a movie right now, but it's a different, I just did the thing you said.

at the parties we're trying to make a couple things in development don't worry me and Theo were talking about that for two years someone's like Theo was talking about his podcast and I go he shouldn't talk about it it's not happening because we wrote it we've been doing it for a year probably right well first of all the hard part is writing it so here's me and Theo trying to get in the same room and then

both on the road, hour zoom here, two hours here, and then meet in LA at my house and finally get it down. Then do like another pass, but even just to get to the end. And then you go, there's a lot of problems with it, but we got to the end. Yeah. And then you go, what if this guy did it? And then you go back, listen, it's not fucking inception. Let's not worry about that. It's two fucking morons in a movie, but you have to make it make sense. As long as it makes sense. My argument is if it makes sense,

It's just people remember if it's funny or not. So all the movies I've done, no one ever said horrible, but I did like that it all made sense. Right. I mean, they don't even know. I don't even know what Step Brothers is about. I don't know what Dumb and Dumber is about. I don't know what – there's movies I see and I go, what was the pitch? Yeah. It just was funny. You just go, oh, look at that. No, fucking Google finally got a wake-up call. Yeah.

That's true though. Dumb and Dumber is about getting a briefcase back, but you don't even think about that. Right. You're just like, oh, he's making funny noises. Oh, he's wearing a funny outfit now. Oh, he has to go somewhere. Right. Okay. And he looks ridiculous. So that's – just be funny. So there's a lot of those we were going over and going, what was that one about quickly? And they're like, so whatever. But this one will make sense and then what you guys might do is the same kind of thing. We sort of – it was more him who said let's –

The future is not going to all these streamers right away. Let's just try to just make it. Yes. And then maybe just get it to the consumer because a lot of stuff is just like that. And then I go, I like the idea. I just don't know if I want to be the first one. Of course. Let's someone else and we figure out what they did wrong. Yes. And then we go in. But now we're just saying, fuck it. Somebody came in and said, hey, we'll give you. There was people that wanted to get money. There was places that wanted to read it. And we were kind of going, okay.

Honestly, mostly Theo. Because I'm from half the old school and half the new one. And I appreciate what's going on right now versus before. And I'm kind of stuck in the old way. So are all my people, you know, around me. I have a team like Taylor Swift. I have like a thousand people. Yeah.

No, I just have one old agent that goes, what are you doing? You go to Netflix. So, but I still love Netflix and I like all, you know, my last movie was Netflix. And so it was great and it did well and I was so stoked. So it's hard to let that go and go like, should we try to work it for them? But he goes, no, it'll be, let's just do it our way. No notes. And it's kind of hard because we both are in charge. And usually you have...

A studio, Paramount, you know, on Tommy Boy, you have Paramount. And these are the movies, Black Sheep, Paramount. Lorne Michaels or the director is brought in. You know, on Black Sheep, we got a director that was paid more than me and Farley. So now suddenly we have a boss that we didn't really have on Tommy Boy. Right. And she's saying, I know what's funny for you guys. And you go, oh, so these are the things that you can run across. Even though everyone means to do well, studio notes, TV notes, everything is – you always hear these stories.

I would just rather tune it out and say, do we have the wherewithal to do this? And then if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. But at least we did it. And then you go on from there. But it is really fun like a bit where it's like a long bit where you have to crack –

every code yeah what do we wear what are we doing does this make sense is this funny is this stupid well it's bittersweet because if you're in control you have to do all the work oh if netflix has some control but they do all the filming the editing the production they have grips and all that i don't know how to do any of that exactly that's what we're learning and uh and theo hasn't really done

Anything. Anything. I mean, he's – you know the thing is he's got – He's talking to Trump. He has stand-up that works and he has a podcast that works really well. Yeah. So he's coming in with confidence but he also knows this is scary because – Yes. It's so almost uncontrolled. It's too overwhelming. There's so many ways to fuck it up. And I like those when they hire me for Netflix and I walk in. Where does fucking Spade go? Exactly. Put your hat on. Turn it – Let's go.

Catering, craft service. Yeah, even those grown-ups movies, like we give Adam ideas and then we just see if they show up in it because someone has to make the final call. So on that one, Adam. So I go, what if this guy did this? Or what if you said this? What if this? And then at the end of the day, you get there and you go, shut the fuck up and do it because it has to move along. Yeah. And you can't talk about it forever. You have to go, go, go. And those movies are fun. Sometimes like in grown-ups, you'd huddle up after a scene and go, hey –

what if Kevin James said this and Adam would go, that's funny. Actually you say it or someone would say this and he would spread jokes around. So it would be kind of fair in a weird way, but we all think of stuff. Like if you guys are on a movie, you think of stuff the whole time. Yeah. And then someone, he was delegating, but we knew that because Adam's in the scene. He's right there.

And it's easier than us arguing or, you know, you don't know. It's better to have one person pick. And sometimes it's Lauren. You're on SNL and they go, Lauren didn't like that. And you're like, fuck. You know, you can gripe and grouse, but the truth is someone has to. And you find that out at, like, rehearsal that he didn't like it? Is that at SNL? Yeah. Yeah, you find it out at SNL.

When someone goes, Lauren doesn't like you. One time they would say Lauren would pick someone each year to not like. I go, that cannot be true, even though it seems true, because someone would just feel like an asshole all year. But Lauren did like me when I was there, but I just couldn't get anything on. I think Al Franken didn't really think I was hilarious, which. Us either. Understood. He did our pod and he was like, every joke, he's like, try the veal. Oh.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No yes and nothing. I mean, listen, I give it to him because he was part of the original SNL. And then I was sadly, I don't think he loved the new guys coming in. And it was, of course, it was.

upsetting that's how it works new people that's how shows like that we can't just keep the same cast forever yeah and i'm no genius but you know don't take it out of me take it out on sandler and farley it was too many you know and i think with me he could kind of go maybe i can keep this guy if i could uh which oh right and i get along with him now but i just thought at the time i was told someone finally went up to me and goes dude he doesn't like you damn and i was like

Oh, my God. That's got to feel weird. Because that environment's already stressful as hell. Yeah. And at least it – and then everything sort of clicked. And they're like – when they're picking sketches, you know, even Lauren Downey, Smigel, those guys liked it. He goes, ah, come on. What are we doing here? And they go, okay. And I go, well, don't roll over. Fucking fight for me. But there's too many people. I was just there –

Three months ago, whenever this airs. Or two weeks ago. So I was there two weeks ago and they called me on a Friday at 1 because Dana Carvey's there. And Dana goes, I think they're going to.

they're going to do this sketch by church lady, sort of what you guys did, like what happened this year and who was misbehaving. And he goes, I said, what about Hunter Biden? Cause Spade always says, why don't you do Hunter Biden on the show? So he goes, do you want to come? I think they're going to ask you. And I go, when would it be? And he goes, tomorrow's show. And I go, oh, well, I'm at McDonald's. And so Warren's office calls. I do want to come out. Can you get a three 30 flight? I go,

impossible not at all it's one yeah and the way flights work and i turn into a neighbor god see joke so i i went to uh i went got in at one in the morning and then i they didn't even tell me the script nothing they just said just try to pull off some semblance of hunter we'll throw a wig on you and jesus and then dana had seen it that night and said we were practicing it at midnight and uh

It's way too long. We're just going to chop it down. So anyway, you could get there and get cut. This reminds me of my old days. Like, what if I go there? Yeah. And they go, it's just too long. Sorry. I'm like, sorry, what? They're like, go back home. Sorry. Al Franken's in the back like, no, it's not working. No, I sound like I'm trashing Al. Listen, if he doesn't think I'm fine, that's okay. It just wasn't.

What I wanted to hear. I don't know if I'm supposed to say this, but I did a show at Gaffigan. He's been doing the Tim Walls or he was during the election. And I was like, how cool is that? He's like, I'm losing road work. Like I'm losing money. And they pay you like four grand or something. This is crazy. It's cool to do. But that's I mean, SNL like this one was not a money thing, but it was definitely really fun to go in.

Plus we talk about it a lot and then – and it was fun with Dana and Church Lady. I always thought it was funny. And so I just did it. It wasn't even some huge impression. But it was – you run in there, you get a wig, they're fitting, they're taping your head. That's fun. They're like, go, go to fucking – and then I see all the other cast and – Yeah. And then – You just snort some fake lines. Yeah, dude. Oh, this is where you see the lines. Yeah. And then go to my old dressing room. Yeah.

Go to the bathroom. This is where I used to throw up before the show. Do you get back there and go, thank God I'm not in this world anymore? No, it does give me...

Anxiety, which I wish we had that word back then. Fuck, I would say that. We just didn't have it. You know what's funny? You're a kid. You just can't blame everything on everything. You're just like, hey, it's a scary show. It's tough. I don't feel great today. That was it. Everyone just drank heavily back then because they didn't know what anxiety was. Yeah, they knew how to do it. Or therapy. Or eat, yeah. Yeah. When you do make a movie like Tommy Boy, does that just come together by Lauren being like, you guys should make a movie? What's the process? Yeah.

You know, pretty lucky just being there. I wasn't even doing that much on the show. I was never in any year had like a huge year. It was always just chipping away at writing, trying to get in a few lines, getting in there more. You know, Farley came out of the gate. Great. But everyone knew it when he came in. Sandler clicked right away. Chris Rock had his whole thing when he got there. So, yeah.

Schneider actually did well pretty quickly, but it was very hard to just sit there on the sidelines and keep trying to get a few lines. I had Dana Carvey. He was great. He's too good. He's the best. And they're like, you're going to be here for when Dana –

I'm like, by the way, Dana's still doing it as of last Saturday. So I go... You felt like a backup quarterback or something. I don't think... I don't want to pull the Aaron Rodgers three years waiting, waiting. You're going to be great one day. And I'm like, well... So with Farley, I had done a little more, but it was more about around the office and making fun of him and laughing. And we just always had a good time. And he would always go, he would make fun of me, say something about... He just thought it was so funny. Yeah. And so we would all...

obviously shit on each other and then when Lorne said make a movie about these two because he had a deal at Paramount and so for a summer movie they're like what do you got Lorne he's like you got too many good things happening he's like oh right I'm supposed to they just did Wayne's World or something oh yeah well maybe get these two and two of the writers Bonnie and Terry Turner can write out a rough idea for these two so it's a good script so they wrote yeah they wrote it and it was called Billy the Third and a Midwestern

It's kind of funny. A little tagline, right? Yeah. I like that. And then we were going to shoot it that summer and Fred Wolf came in to help it and make it better. And then they were, Sandler was doing Billy Madison. And so we had to change the name. We were like, oh my God, of all names. So his was coming out first. So-

Tommy Madison wasn't an option, I guess. Happy Madison? Yeah, that came later, but I agree that we were like, shit, we'll change it. And then we just could not think of a name for the fucking movie. And Brian Denny, I think, kept calling him Tommy Boy. And then when they told me Tommy Boy, I go, boo. Because I still like the old one and I...

I just didn't know if that would be any good. It didn't sound like any movie I'd ever seen. It didn't sound like Caddyshack. Right. No, it didn't sound as cool. But that worked out. But then the next year, they just go do another one. This is the first time. This is how easy I thought it was. Lauren's like, okay, Tommy White's doing great. So next year, another one? Chris, you too? We're like, he's like, ooh, ooh. Yeah, yeah, boss. So we're like, Fred writes Black Sheep. And then...

we got a director and uh and then it was greenlit and it wasn't even finished it was just like they're gonna write it and you're gonna shoot it next summer i'm like and then you just think how hard it is to get movies in the real world right because then i think the next summer he goes you want to write a gap girls i'm like no even though i thought i'll just do another one next year whatever whatever my choosing yeah it was really like lightning in a bottle window shutting you know you don't know and then i leave the show and

there's no point to doing any sketch ones anymore really and luckily got on just shoot me and then luckily whatever other happened but it's it's just i don't know where i'm going with this i'm still talking well you're at the mercy back then you're at the mercy of like i gotta get a gig yeah now i feel like you can do your own well now i can do stand up yeah as hard as it is i'm late in the game because man it is a beating to go it is um

But when it works, it's fun. Yeah, and when it works, it's great. I mean, the shows itself are fun. I feel like I'm doing something. You feel like you're good at something if it works. And then... And you got your voice so down. I mean, your voice is... I think so. I hear one of your jokes. I'm like, that's a Spade joke. Oh, good. Like dry and kind of sarcastic and self-deprecating. You just know a Spade joke. Stanley used to call me and he goes, hey, have you seen this comic? I go, he's doing you. And I'm like...

That's the thing? You can do that? It was like over the years. No, they're just doing your fucking shit. I go, what is my shit? Because, you know, that's the thing about lately in my standup, I'm trying to tell more stories because stories are really the only way it's your fingerprint where this is just what happened to me and my version of it and my take on it. But if you say, you know, when I used to go open or middle, I throw middle in there.

Because I got an SNL as a middle and I wasn't even ready to headline. Then they go, you should go headline on the week's off. I go, and do what? 40 minutes? So how do I take 25, Google? How do I take 25 and make it 40? Yeah. You go to the crowd. So who was doing you? Jay Pharoah? No, there was – I don't know. And one was a girl. Oh, interesting. But it was funny. Take just the idea of like it could be something because I was always a research paper of like

Kevin Nealon and Dennis Miller everyone I liked Seinfeld everyone I saw you just start steering your style from just comedy in quotes it's like music when girls like I like a guy that's funny it's like well what what kind do you like yes exactly so many kinds it has to sync up so do you like R&B do you like rock so with comedy it's like this kind I like I started to hone it I started to think that that was funny and then um

started to write but uh writing writing part of it is tough too but some of these some of these stories are funny and then if you i did a joke i was saying when i was on the road and this this headliner right before i brought him up he goes you're going before me i go and he goes no jeopardy jokes no wheel of fortune but he's doing my whole act i'm like uh-huh and he's like no this no this i'm like he goes i do all that shit and i'm like oh no oh and a funny uh

coincidence, so do I. So I literally had a, not only did I have a Jeopardy joke, I had a play school fucking xylophone. Oh, geez. Yeah. Good times. Lost all respect. Phones just lit up. And I go like this, bing, bong. Oh, boy. That was the 70s. You know, it was a different time. You know, when I, my buddy lived at Columbia and Vic Henley, this old, this guy. We know Vic. We knew Vic, yeah. So Vic, shockingly for being a

Go Roper from fucking Alabama or wherever. He wound up in Arizona. So I met him and then we lived together for a year. Wow. And he had a gacked out roommate. His roommate was so gacked out. I remember when Vic was gone, I was kind of scared of him because he was so fucking, and he had all this cola and he's like, you're fucking doing something tonight. And he was like tweaking. And I'm like, you know, it's, I would love it. It's just at this juncture right now, I have to kind of go over here and do this. I just, it's like,

I had a whole day the next day and he fucking trapped me in the kitchen and he's like, do this fucking line. I'm like, dude, I can't. He was like, I'm going to beat you because I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Oh, wow. He's fucked up. He's all fucked up. And I was like, I did it. And then it was over. He's like, all right. And then he went and watched TV and I'm like, no, what now? I fucking was like, JonBenet. I walked around the apartment complex 3,000 times. Next day ruined. You go to sleep. I was like, and it was literally, I don't know.

Anyway, so... I go, this is supposed to be fun. It's not fun when you have a gun to your head. Right. And then immediately the fun was over for him once I did it. So I escaped my pounding. By the way, the Comedy Store basement, a little dank. Now, I didn't... I wasn't expecting miracles. I just... I'd never been down here to see where the bodies are buried, but this is...

Just a ghost of a Pauly Shore handjob from 1991. There's so many rooms. It never ends. I didn't know. This is – Was there pressure on your cast SNL to get fucked up? Was everyone drinking and partying so much? You know, it was actually less – Plus Farley's. Yeah. I think Farley took it upon himself to keep the traditions going because we – He loved pollution. It was too valuable of a job. Right. Yeah. Sandler was never a big drinker. Chris Rock never.

And it was more everyone was so lasered in on the job going – because the word around there was you're about to get fired. And we still talk about that word. Even today you can ask Sarah Sherman, anyone there, they're like, I think I'm going to get fired. Because you just don't know and you're never doing quite good enough in your eyes and you're in that bubble of the – you know, you do the show like I did last week and then you don't know anything until you leave. And someone's like, oh, hey, I saw you. I'm at the airport. The guy's like, oh, I saw you do Hunter Biden last night. I'm like, what?

You did? Right. Because you forget that it goes out to the whole world and then it's on TikTok and it's on, you know, whatever, Yahoo News. So if you're there over and over, it's just like a little click. But we didn't drink. The question is we didn't drink and get too fucked up unless maybe the week's off or the after party because we had to be – I knew I had to give every possible way to be good on that show. Yeah, yeah. And I was falling apart anyway because the stress of –

just like losing weight and feeling like shit just eating pizza all day we didn't know what carbs were this is honestly i swear to god i did not know what carbs were it was just pizza probably not great for you yeah it's a spaghetti at night not a water bottle in sight you know what i mean like my dad hasn't

had a glass of water in 22 years. Yeah. There's people that do not drink water and then you're like, you need about three gallons a day. I know. It went from nothing to just, I have to drown. Right. Exactly. Who were the hosts that were awesome and who sucked? Like as a human, I mean. Still got beef with Eddie Murphy? I don't know.

I don't. Oh, good. I don't. I'm going to have to see him at the 50th. Come on in, Eddie. Yeah, I'd like to see Eddie do stand-up again. I mean, that would be fun, but I think it would be hard for Eddie, like you said, to just practice. Of course. No one gave a shit back in the day. He's in New Jersey, wherever he lives, and just doing clubs. Yeah. Yeah.

No one knows what's going on and now it's too much news. If he comes in here, it's news. Exactly. Every phone comes out. Yeah. At that level, how do you work out? I guess you can't. How does Chris? I mean, everybody likes Chappelle. But Chris will pop into the cellar. Right. But it's still...

Do they have to put their phones in a bag? Everyone does. When Chris comes in? No, no. Just default. As you walk in. That's the new thing there. It's kind of nice. I didn't know that. Come by. Come by. We'd love to have you. Say the N word. I did figure out finally a way to call the seller and get in. And so I was like, oh. Oh, come on. Because I was...

But if you don't know anyone, I'm just going to walk in and how dare I try to bump or something? Just shoot me. Great show. Throw that around. You can bump. Lost and found. The guy Kuzco's here from Emperor's New Groove, he said. Fucking C's part. Well, you never know. I mean, didn't Dana Carvey went viral online just doing a Biden?

Is that where SNL plucked? Yeah. I figured that's incredible. Well, we were doing the, uh, our stupid podcast and we,

And we were joking that they never do Biden. Yes. And he goes, I think I kind of got a hook on Biden. He would do a little bit. Then he had a new one. And he's like, and furthermore, and see here. And here's the thing. Yeah. And then he started doing it. And just doing that, we did that. And we talked about Fauci. Oh, right. And I mentioned something about the border. And just that. You forget that people are so used to hearing this one. Right. I'm like, I think we're supposed to talk about everything. Right.

And I just said, it was something about COVID, of course. And I said, I knew it was kind of a scam because if they're letting everyone in the border and they don't give them a shot, then what am I worried about? Like if it was so scary, legal, illegal, you have to get a shot if you're coming in here. Right. And if they're not, I'm like, I can't go to work. That's all I said. I go, that was something sketchy going on. And that was 6 million views in one second. I was like, oh, what happened? They're like.

And then half the people are like, fuck you. I'm like, fuck me? What? What am I saying? Yeah. And then Dana goes, he goes, Fauci's like, you get a shot when you go to the airport. You get a shot. We're going to have six shots a day and we're going to shoot the fuck out of you. Yeah. And just being funny like that, again, people flipped out and were like,

Is this really controversial to make fun of? You're supposed to make fun of everybody. Yeah. You can't just praise everyone. Right. So then he said Biden. He's like, oh. And he made fun of Biden. And then we did that a few times.

And then, you know, he makes fun of Trump, but no one says anything. But he makes fun of Biden and we got mad. And so then we're like, we're doing both. We're doing both. Yeah, that's what you should do. I think it's good for SNL that they're doing both now. It was good. Then they saw Biden. They said, why don't you come out and do it? Right. And he was like, oh, shit. Yeah, because it was getting funnier. And I said, Dana, we should put up a podium and just do like a little sketch about it. Yeah. It's funny. You know, you're just doing it right here, but put a wig on you or something. Anyway, they brought him out, did it. It was kind of a good thing.

you know way to do it and then uh and now he's doing a lot of stuff out there oh great yeah fun again why the internet is great because they would have said no you can put it online yourself but you know they had to see that it worked somebody somebody liked it it started to work right like okay it was like an audition in a weird way they go oh that works yeah and uh

He should do Fauci, but Fauci's not around anymore. But he does a lot of funny people. I mean, he's so good at just picking something and then grinding it down and getting it going. Dude, we had the VHS of Opportunity Knocks in my household. Oh, yeah. That was my brother's favorite movie. So we watched it probably 12 times. Yeah. He gets a lot of people that know the old...

You know, I think after you do... You got that? I got it. Couldn't figure it out. I wish I had a close-up of slow motion. I'm very decisive. You're hovering over it. You're like, that's funny. Then you go, I don't want to interrupt the story, but deesh. Exactly. Fucking lunar landing. Yeah.

Yeah, Dana's great. Oh, I forgot. Yeah, he's great. He's always great. I like you two turds dressed up in tuxedo. That's all Photoshop. It's not even a real tux. Is that real? Yeah, it's not real. Oh, you fucking... We don't even own a tuxedo. One for one, you tricked me when I walked in.

So you go up and do spots after this or how does it work? I'm flying home. Oh, yeah. You guys are going home today. We did four last night. Four of these? We did a show last night, but before that. Yeah. Oh, horrible. We were running into the ground, man. We worked way too hard on this. It's hard. If you get someone that doesn't talk, luckily I'm a fucking yapper. Yap it up. But I yap because on ours, if people don't talk, you go...

And then they go, you over talk. I go, well, people aren't talking. I know. It's very hard to think of shit to ask people. Right. It's work. Either that they don't get asked or whatever. You just want to sort of bullshit like you're at dinner. And I go, I don't care if people over talk, but...

It's hard to keep things moving. I like when people talk as in it's less to do. Yeah, you guys. I like you guys are both zoned out. It's good. You guys like action. I thought you were a jizzle neck. Is it over? No, I cut my hair now. He looks more like me than I do. Yeah, he's got the flip. Yeah, he flipped. He changed it. Now it's mine's fucking buzzed. Because in Buzz Boys, I might cut off all the sides and dye that top black. I'm just like fucking around with it and...

Or just wind up with a wig. Who knows? Top black. You're like a famous blonde guy. I don't think you can go dark. Some of the salt has taken over the pepper. I mean, this I just saw in the back. I thought it was blonde. And someone goes, it's gray. I go, what the fuck did you say? You know who it was? Al Franken.

He walked in behind me getting a little aggressive. That too? Geez, I can't win. We had him on this pod and we were trying to be reverent and supportive. He's such a legend. And we played all his sketches and they all died. It was brutal. He was laughing. Yeah. He's funny. He used to write those political things on the show. I could see why we didn't 1,000% sync up.

I just, if I'm not popping off the page from the first minute, I was a writer there. You see people come in and you go, fuck, I want to write for them. Who are the people you want to write for? Well, I mean, I could tell immediately when Adam would just have different ideas. I go, fuck, Adam really knows what he's doing. Like different characters, super weird ideas. Smigel would go write with them. I'm like, oh, fuck. And he also gets Smigel and Downey and they all liked him. I think they liked me, but as you know, I'm more of like,

I want to say one note because it's accurate. But it sounds bad. But it is sort of – when I was there and I liked a Bill Murray type. Yeah. I felt like he was always kind of Bill Murray. He wasn't super impressive. Not a lot of range. Yeah. So I go, I'm kind of like this. What I should have done is probably try to do Weekend Update earlier. I never wanted to. Right. You kind of did that. I did something like that and I'd go on and do it and then I go –

Then it was almost too late because if I wasn't that concentrated and harsh, it's like Nikki Glaser, like when she did that Amazon football thing. Do that. You know what I mean? Once they see something work –

then everyone's like do that exactly you should on so many hour you should on so many famous people you like showbiz show and you i mean did did you have to run into people around town who would be like dude well everyone hates it it's just you can't really say you don't like it because then you don't want to make an enemy right me because suddenly i'm this dipshit from arizona who's 27 or something and i'm like

you know who fucking sucks elizabeth taylor you know it's like some huge star and everyone's like what and then i go they suck and she's looking like shit sleeps on her face every night god damn dude but then they laugh and i go so it's just basically what you say anyway around with your friends so right that but that saved my job you know i wasn't doing enough i did some sketches and they were

Fine, but not enough to be like, you have to be here. So when it ultimately... That bought me some time and then do a couple other things and then fucking got out and then luckily land on something because, you know, that cliff you can fall off leaving SNL, as you know. Oh, yeah. I mean, you look...

At the reunion, we're coming up to this big 50th reunion and they're like, here's the 900 cast members. I'm like, what? There's some that want to be on our podcast. I'm like, no idea. They go, oh, they were on for 11 seasons. Isn't that weird? But in fairness, we usually say like your favorite cast, most people's is like seventh grade through college. Yes. Like high school. Like all the time when you're fucking thinking it's so funny and they're –

doing shit you can't believe and it's just like you talk to your friends about it and then you get distracted after that you're out every night and oh yeah so but there's a there's a uh special place for people that have their cast they like so people come they go my favorite cast is kristen wigg and i'm like of course there's still good people um and there was before or when we were there after but they said we were horrible and then uh wow we believed it then later

Will Ferrell got there and they go, no, those guys are horrible. You guys were good. And then later they're like, where's Will Ferrell? And I'm like, guys, you see what you're doing? Yeah. This happens every time. Whoever's there now is bad. Yeah. It's the same with generation. These kids today, every generation says that. Yeah. Including us. Yeah. I'm exactly what you're doing. I'm bitching about everything now. Well, I got to ask a personal question. So you used to skateboard? Yeah. That was my whole life growing up. Oh, for real? Yeah. So...

I think you were in, was it Police Academy? Yes, sir. First movie. First? Four, the good one. It answered the questions one, two, and three. They did seven, by the way. Oh, I saw them all. And they did not put me in five and I fucking flipped out. No way. I was like, what did I do so wrong?

Well, Steve Goodberg. Poor man's Bill Murray. Fucking good. He put the kibosh on me. Really? No, there was actually an extra on Police Academy. I have obviously no game. I was never famous. I couldn't. No dates in high school. Barely. I was always like a friend. And then college started stand-up. But when I got on Police Academy...

I'm kind of, you know, I have a trailer and stuff. And one of the extras was just knockout. And so I'm like, I'm in here for 10 weeks. I have nothing to do. So I asked her to go to

Bob Seger. Oh, nice. What a fucking great concert to go to. Night Moves. Yeah. And she goes, yeah. And then I was talking to Goody at luncheon. The Goot. The two funny things were it was raining, so I just sat in his trailer and we bullshitted to lunch. And he made my whole salary while we were sitting there. Of course, I calculated it. I was like...

You got him back. Because he got $1.9 million on that movie. I was like, what the fuck? Back then. I'm like, for what? No offense. For what? What do you do? He was cute. He's hot. So Gutenberg was friendly to me. And then I said, oh, I'm going to. I go, you want to go? He goes, oh, I love Bob. Yeah, I'll go. Let me grab some skeezer. So we doubled. Isn't that funny? We went to Bob's secret. Oh, jeez. And then my date, his date liked him and my date liked him.

And it was the first time I just saw the trade up so clearly because I was in the movie. I thought I was fucking hot shit. Right. Turns out I was cold boogers. And she was like, fuck, this guy is so great. And so she was flirting with him clearly. And then he didn't bite and he broed me out.

I mean, if he did, he did it behind, which is better. Yeah. But at the time, he's like, no, no, no, dude, I wouldn't do that to you. So, I like that. Can we pull up Gutenberg's dating history? I think he had quite a run. Wow. Him and Scott Baio. Good looking, 1.9 million. Yeah. Funny. On the fourth one. It must have gone up after that. Yeah. And then, nice guy, funny.

I'd still see. I don't see him much, but I'd still... Yeah, what's he doing now? But you were asking about the skateboarding. Oh, yeah. That was great. I love skateboarding in Arizona. Skating pools. We had a ramp in my backyard. Hell, yeah. Shittiest ramp. But we had pipes. We had desert pipes. Those are the one thing we had no one had. Yeah, we built the ramp. Yeah, it was good. Mahoney. Mahoney. I mean, Tiffany Amber Thiessen. Oh, really? I don't know any of these. Rumor. Uh...

It's Jill Martin from fucking Quincy Jones. What are these old? What? These old. All right, maybe I was wrong. Elizabeth Taylor. Holy shit. Fucking Betsy Ross. Maureen McCormick. Get out of here. Oh, you're joking. That's insane. That chick's AI. That is weird that pops up now on Instagram. I can't. If I could block my phone from AI. Yeah. And I don't know what's anything. First of all, all the girls are AI. Second of all.

I don't know. Well, all the UFOs right now, I think they're real, but there's some... The drones. You ever crank one and you're like, oh, that was a fake woman. I've had that. I crank it and it was a drone. Oh, that was one of mine that bombed last night, the drone joke. Oh, yeah. I said, usually when a guy from New Jersey says, what is that thing? He's talking about a trans person. That bombed? Yeah. I think it was your crowd. It wasn't our crowd. No, no. It was Breckin Meyer. I say...

I, on SNL, I was going to say, is it true that these drones are just, are the orbs, each of them have a cast member from the 90s and they're just dropping them in the studio every week? Because we all keep showing up. Sandler was there last week. Oh, that's right. Chris was the host. He killed. That monologue was great. Now!

I got a joke for you. That's all I have so far. Superman can't walk. Is that what he says? Is that a joke? Yeah. What's next? Hulk going to get the gout? Aquaman going to drown on the tub? I know his whole act. Is that what he used to say? Hulk going to get the gout? Yeah. I don't remember that one. Yeah, Christopher Reeves in a wheelchair. Has it been long enough? Can I do that?

One time when I was doing stand-up at the beginning, I was just at a local comedy club. I'd only been to one comedy club and seen someone. I was absolutely fucking floored that they did an hour. I'm like, this guy making this shit up? This is unreal. Yeah. So I go. They start these shitty comedy nights in Arizona. I told Colin Quinn, I said, this was before there was a comedy scene in Arizona. He goes, you think there's a comedy scene in Arizona? Yeah.

Who said that? I go, you're right. So anyway, I go to this place and then I go, oh, I was telling someone what I was going to do because it was, you know, open mic night. Right. And they go, that's pretty funny. Yeah, that's Billy Crystal. I was just listening to his album. And they go, oh, and where are you going to do that? Up there? And I go, yeah. And I go, I don't think you can do that. And I go, I think you're just supposed to get up and just try to be funny. Right. I fucking had no idea. Wow. And I didn't do it, but I was like,

I didn't know. There's no rules. No one says anything. No. No one tells you one fucking thing. And I just go, it's funny. The xylophone, too. You were really creepy. Yeah, I sort of had a hunch. I had a Wheel of Fortune. It was fucking killer. Actually, I had a Tom Petty hat. And I do Tom Petty. I had a big fucking top hat. And then at the end, one time, Dennis Miller, who was my favorite. I still love Dennis. Okay, babe. I was opening for him.

What am I, Glico? Spudly. And I was there and I was walking up front and I had the girl was standing there. It was after New Year's Eve. I had a girl standing there and I was holding it like this, waiting for the taxi. You sleeping in that fucking hat, Spud? I go, oh, no, this is just, he goes, oh, I know what it is. He goes, I think it's time to lose the props. Wow. I go, really? He goes,

You're not a prop actor. All right. I did you a favor. He gave me two good pieces of advice. He told me to fucking lose the hat.

xylophone obviously goes with it sure the whole uh you know um storage unit goes the whole storage unit act the whole trunk yeah it was actually just small sookie and then i did open forum and then i whoa it was like the oh the old like black and white special i opened for killer special yeah good stuff and then i and then like a little later i'm like uh he sees me it's something by the seashore in in uh new york

Not Caroline's, but maybe there's something. That was on the seaboard. There's something seaboard. And again, he goes, they changed your acts. And I go, yeah, I wasn't doing that good on the road. And I was actually doing hackier shit in a weird way. And he goes...

no, you got to go back to the other shit. He goes, he goes, if he goes, just do the shit you're doing because, um, that's innately from you. And he said, and if you, if it doesn't work, then you're just not cut out for it, but don't change it. I was like, fuck. And then I did it slowly came back. Uh, one last thing. And then I'll let you guys talk is Bob Goldthwick gave me a good piece. I opened for him and he said, uh,

I remember being in, no, fucking Oklahoma or whatever. It was 3,000-seater, which is way too much. Even today, a club is great. But when it gets over 2,000, 3,000, it's just hard to manage. Right. And so, like we did those homes at Sandler. Yeah, that was fun. They're fucking kind of hard to manage because there's a lag and then there's people talking over here and people getting up. Anyway, it's hard to get like throwaway jokes in this situation. That's a lot of my act is throwaway and stuff.

My whole act should be thrown away, obviously. So I go in wherever I was and I do a 3,000-seater with Bob and I'm like, you guys watch Michael Jackson? You ever notice a – and I do my dog shit and then I'm getting screamed at and heckled the whole time. And so I feel bad backstage and he goes, why? You know what? No, I'm kidding. No, he'd drop it and talk normally. He goes, do you know that every bit starts with a question?

I did not know that. He goes, just say it. Just say Michael Jackson's new album and do your joke. Because you're giving them a window. You say, you guys heard the new Michael Jackson album? And they go, no. Right. And every fucking joke started like that. And then you got to be like, well, I'm still doing it. I go, I'm still doing the joke. I'm doing the joke, but I don't leave him a pause to ruin it. Yeah. So I just go...

I got the new Michael Jackson album. And if you notice it, there's no reason for them to talk. That's a good note. And you're cutting fat, too. Yeah, cutting fat. Yeah. And then at the end, they just boo at the end, which is smart. It helped me.

They were like, just the whole act is a boo. And so we're not going to interrupt you the whole time. We're going to save it. Right. So these Sandler shows you guys did, was that Arena? Yeah. Whoa. We did one that was like in that outdoor kind of- Was it St. Augustine maybe? We did a couple, yeah. We did. I jumped on you. Everyone's kind of jumping in and out. Yeah. It was good to see you there because you're not normally on those. It was fun. Super fun. Yeah.

Yeah. And it's just fun. Yeah, I felt a little like, I'm like, you guys all go back 30 years. And I was like the only guy who wasn't a part of that. So I was like, ah, shit. But yeah, you were like a child. We're like babysitting.

No, he comes out and Sarah Sherman came on a few hours on. Was she on that one? No, no. I think he brings one younger person and it's me or Sarah. Are you the young guy? I guess. Anyway. Prepare the Schneider. I said younger. I gave you the fucking Franken. Try the veal. No, but it's funny because...

It's really fun when he's there and everyone's there and other people are there. It's in Bula. Dan Bula is super cool. Yeah, he's great. He's on SNL writing and he's so good at it. He's a killer. Really good.

just a great find you know because he writes for those things he writes for Sandler specials and he's a good good all-around dude you know they all wear suits on show night all the writers I didn't know I didn't know that I was the please don't destroy dudes are all standing there like this really with all suits on I'm like what fucking shitty bit are you guys doing we wear suits like oh wow

I went to the cast party embarrassingly like this. Right. I was in my three-minute schedule. It's weird to be in like one thing and then – Right. I was never in a ton, but it's just weird to just know for sure. A, you're in this. And A, it's not getting cut. But B, you're in nothing else. So the energy went up and then it dies down because dress, it's over. And then you wait two-hour dress and then another 45 until the show starts. Then it goes up again. And then I got to wait the whole show.

Then I go, must go to party. Yeah. Crawl. Right. Act cool. Yeah. Must eat free linguine. I remember the first party, SNL party I went to, I thought the drinks were free. I was like a poor open wiker and I drank 8,000 Jack and Cokes and they were like, that'll be $600. Oh, for real? I actually thought it was free too. Yeah. I've never been to one. I assumed it was free. They're fun, but it's just some fancy steakhouse or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, this was like...

tables and booths but they put me in the way back it was actually too far from the action because it was like a bar area fun then like a few tables and cool area where i looked for where to sit and they go no you're back here and then kind of around a corner and you could see us but it was like lauren's table me dana and uh i think sarah sherman but it was too far removed like i kind of wanted to go out here and see everybody yeah because cast you know when i went there

they'd get me and go like, all right, if Chris Rock or Schneider's here, we'll pair you up with them. You know, like you guys get a four top table. But Mike Myers would have his full table. It's always that and everything. And then Lorne, you'd go up. Hey, Lorne.

This isn't UFO related. Sprinted out of here. That was a loud exit. I remember meeting Lorne. Somebody introduced me to him and he's got a big mitt. He's got quite the paws on that guy. Pull those hands up. I mean, he's like the rock. Pull those Lorne's hands up. It's the first Google search in history of Lorne's. We lost the Google guy. But yeah, Lorne, he's like a mob boss. That guy that sprinted out of here, where do you think he went?

I like your lights are so fucking bright. You need to rub one out to Yasmin. That is not Lorne's hand, is it? I'm telling you. Look at those mitts. That is crazy. It's like Joe Rogan's hand. It's crazy. Jesus Christ. He could squeeze an intern and pop him like a zit. He was great. We did this first show, you know, and then he's... We didn't talk too much about his hands, but he... I said...

I go, Mark Norman thinks you have a huge dick. I bet he does. He said that. I go, well, basically. Your hands are big. Then he kind of. Oh, yeah. Well, Lorne's the man. You know, our buddy Shane Gillis got fired. You remember that whole thing? Yeah. And he still calls him like to apologize probably like once a week. Shane. I like that Shane went back. Yeah. That's fun. Why not? That was great. That was good. Yeah, why not? Yeah. I mean, Norm went back when he got. Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's right. That monologue was so good. That Norm monologue. The show blows. Yeah. That was fucking great. I'm sure everyone's like, why do we have this fucking guy back? Where is the J? Norm is like on a mission. Yeah. On a mission to ruin his life and career at all times. So he's just like. Well, legend has it he was in the green room with Artie Lang. And he was like, you know what? Maybe I'll just walk.

Like, I'll just leave them with no host. And Artie's like, that's funny, but you'll never have a career again. Yeah. So he did those. When Artie Lang is talking. Talking sense, India. He's the reason. I love Artie, but holy shit.

Yeah, I haven't seen Artie in a long time. I know. I see that. He's the best. Have you seen him around or no? No, not in a while. Not as much. A little bit. You see Colin? He's in comedy class. Colin every night. You see Colin Quinn? Always around. Oh, good. Oh, constantly, yeah. Colin, it's so funny. We were running that roast set and Colin said, you know, it's these supportive texts. Like, you're going to kill. It's so good. Then we see a tell and a tell goes, hey, I'd say we're like 70% there. We're like, cool, we tape tomorrow. Oh, yeah. I literally thought it was in the future because I was...

When I was fucking waiting on you assholes the other night, I was like with my big closer. I did that with Nikki because she came in the night, a couple nights before and I go, I want to do my last joke. I want to hear this joke. Rock her off the hinges. Right. Al Franken hated it. It was a new joke. I was like so happy. And then, but Nikki, yeah, I saw her. She watched. But your guys, I thought it was like, maybe because it's not airing. I thought it was live.

No, thank God. I thought you were doing it like a video. Oh, my God. If that were live. It wasn't the Ace Theater, right? Was it smaller? Smaller. It was the Bellwether. It's a 300-seat Brock Club. And it was less people because they had, you know, the cameras. It was... It's where they have... It felt lighter than the cellar. It was weird. It was rough. Baseball card collectible meetings. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Jeff scouted it out. Was he still the roast master that night? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. No one's doing that job.

No. I mean, he does have it cornered. He does. He does. Tonight we have the Roastmaster Lieutenant. We were the privates. Bill Squankmeyer. Is the general sick? Are you covering up?

All right. Hey, Simon Rex is front row. Yeah. All right. I'm going to have to let you guys go. All right. Dude, you're the best, man. You're the best. You guys, thanks for having me. I think we all learned a lot. Yeah. We did. Thanks for doing it. I think you guys are both fucking hilarious. You too, man. Oh, thanks. I see you more on Instagram than in real life, but I like seeing it.

Always funny. Good relationship. Yeah, it's good. At least I see something. Yeah, thanks for the comments. No, yeah, I do put comments. That helps. That goes, I can show my mom. I put a comment. Sometimes I just put random ones.

And this girl the other day says – just pops up in your feed. Sometimes they have 100,000 million likes. Yeah. And I look at some and I go, this has five likes. How did it come across my desk? How did this get to my fucking phone? But she said, hey, guys, so I'm having an operation. I'm getting my butthole removed. And if you have any questions, just put them in the comments. I wrote –

Self-explanatory. No further questions. It's like a million likes because everyone's like, what are you doing over here? I'm like, I don't know. I saw it and I had to say something and then I move on. And you blew it up. Yeah, I blew it up. Get some fucking attention. I felt bad for her.

Skinnier butthole removed. Yeah, how's that work? Had a million questions. Yeah. Acted like I didn't. Where do you poo? I go, no, I got it. You blow your nose, there's diarrhea, I get it. Was that the closer from last night? That's my big one. That's a seven out of ten. That's great. Fucking shit, dude. We missed that. We missed it. I got to text Nicky about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about Nicky? Geez, what a career. Golden Globes. Nicky's doing great, yeah. Yeah. Golden Globes are exactly...

The one to pick because I think there's talk of her doing the Emmys. I think Golden Gloves are the one. That's smart. You're a loser. They're going to wait for – if you have Ricky Gervais, then it's good. Right. Because they're going to go, at least we know this world of getting shit on. And everyone's like going to tighten up when they walk in there. Hell yeah. But I did see some of the jokes. They're great. They're great. She's always killer. I told her, slow down. She's made for that.

You're already 90% there. Yeah. I should have said 70%. It really fucks you up a little bit. You're like, 70? Oh, yeah. She loves you. You're like, and which ones was it that were not so good? You'll figure it out. I called a tell after that thing last night. I was like, yeah, you made the right decision bailing on this. Oh, you didn't do it? Yeah, yeah. They pushed hard, too. They wanted him to be Jeff Ross's tumor. Oh. That would have killed. It would have been funny. Who got that job? The tumor. The tumor.

There was no real tumor played the tomb? No. Shit. Well, I'll keep putting comments on. All right, guys. Thank you. Thank you, dude. Give me a head start. Give me a couple steps. Get out of here. See you in the parking lot. Okay. I guess that's it. That's how we end. There you go. Good to see you, boys. Good to see you, dude. Thank you very much. Thanks.

Hey, so David Spade. Awesome to see him. Fun guest. Drink Bodega Cat Whiskey. BodegaCatWhiskey.com. See us on the road. I'll be in Pittsburgh January 23rd through 25th. We got Charlotte, Richmond, Philly, D.C., Bethlehem. All theaters coming up on the bus. Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston.

New Orleans, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Georgia, Durham, New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth. That is a second show. Thank you, guys. Portland, Maine, Burlington, Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, much more. Samorell.com slash shows or go to punchup.live slash Samorell slash tickets or whatever. Punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Find our tickets there. Mark, where are you going to be, man? Thank you.

I will be at the Addison Improv in Dallas, Texas, and then at the Ryman in Nashville, Asheville, North Carolina at some theater. And then I'm going to Europe and Australia, doing the whole thing, New Zealand. So check out the website. Where in Europe are you going to head? I'm doing the big ones. I'm doing Gay Paris. Then I'm doing the whole Scandinavian area.

I got food racks for you. Have you performed in the Scandinavians? I have. Yeah, so good I love Norway and Stockholm and Sweden and then I'm going to Rome which I've never performed in Rome Athens as well damn Rome I you're gonna have to hit me with Rex. I will well, you know, I was so mad. I didn't hit I

Italy or Germany. How was that? Rihanna. All the wrecks. But yeah. All right. Well, this was fun, man. Yeah. Spade. How about that? The legendary comedy store. Thanks, LA. Thank you. Get some bodega and we'll see you in hell. Check out the special on Netflix. The roast. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit about getting home. The same. I bother when danger roasts.

I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't remember me. True.