Ep 219: Nick Swardson
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Let me know when we start. We're started. Oh, you did? Oh, okay. Hey, hey. Hi. Yeah, so you walked up 16 flights to be here. Yeah. Claustrophobia? Yeah, it's claustrophobia. Yeah. Yeah, really claustrophobic. Keeps you thin. It does. I'm really, really thin. 16 floors, folks. 16 floors. This must be a problem for you.

I didn't know that. It's an issue. It's the biggest issue in New York. Yeah. That's like everywhere else is easily accommodating. But like the buildings and people are really weird about stairwells. And like the guy when I was like, oh, I'm going to take the stairs. And he's like 16 flights. And I'm like, yeah. And he goes, okay, do you want to just take the elevator? And I go, oh, no, that's the point. I just don't take elevators. I'm really claustrophobic. He's like, okay, fine.

And then so you want to get let in the stairwell and then hot and you're going to go up. It was like literally people look at me like it's just I'm an insane person, which is insane to walk 16. Sure. But I mean, like the people can never wrap their head around it. They're just like, why don't you just take the elevator? This is an issue. It's like, OK, why don't you just not do heroin? Right. Is this hard in hotels on the road?

Yeah, but I usually, you know, I'll call ahead. I'll make sure. You know what I mean? I'll stay at basic hotels. I don't care. Yeah.

Yeah. But does this hurt your career? Like what if you're at the Netflix building? Yeah, it's really held it back. I was up for all the avatars. And the last thing was you had to take an underwater elevator. Mission Impossible 6, dude. He was taking over for John Cruise. Oh my God. Philadelphia. Yeah. I had to get on the AIDS elevator. No. Damn it. Damn it. Galifianakis has a similar thing.

He does? I don't think he can... I remember in Kings of Comedy or whatever that was called. Was it called? Comedians of Comedy. Comedians of Comedy. He's white. But he wouldn't take the elevator.

I didn't know that. I know Zach really well. Pull it up. You have a new story about him in your hour. It's hilarious. Oh, yeah. I've got a lot of Zach stories. There's one I didn't tell. So Zach and I used to live in New York back in the late 90s. And we would do this thing. We couldn't afford to go home for Christmas. We would be stuck here for Christmas. And we would walk around. And we're in our early 20s.

early 20s and just unassuming just dorky guys and we would walk down the street and we would point to a guy and it would have to be one of the most intimidating just like thuggy mobster just anybody that just looks like intimidating and we would be like okay you gotta go do it to that guy and so then we would me or Zach whatever would walk up to this person and in the thickest like Italian accent and

Walk up to them and go, hey, how you doing? You have a good Christmas, okay? You have a good Christmas. They'd shake their hand, and they would be so disarmed because it was so weird, and they'd be like, yeah, okay, you too. It didn't matter who it was. You got to get that guy. That's fun stuff. Yeah, it was debauchery, just pure debauchery. Well, they said in the old days Charlie Chaplin and Buster Keaton would dress up like hobos and see who would get more money.

That was their day. That's fucking insane. I thought they hated each other, though. Pull it up. No, they didn't. They did that final movie, Limelight, together. Oh. Yeah. There you go. I'm a big Chaplin fan. Huge. I'm a big Keaton fan. Are you really? Oh, yeah. I always debate that with people. They're both great. They're both great. Yeah.

They're both great. But the stunts are insane. Didn't Keaton break his neck on a stunt? Yes, he did. Which one was it? Do you remember? I think it was something with the train where he hit like a bar. It was a bar over the train and he hit it and he broke his back. He fell backwards. Yeah.

Yeah, his technical stunts were insane. Chaplin, I just think, was a better comedian physically. He was just hilarious. He has one of my favorite – I was going to bring this up because you were talking about movies earlier, Sam. One of my favorite movies, which is a deep cut on Chaplin, is called The Circus. And it's one of his feature-length films. And he does a bit where he's on a tightrope and they just unleash these spider monkeys on him.

And so he's on this tightrope and he's got these monkeys and, you know, they have no idea what the monkeys are going to do. So they're crawling all over him and like biting his nose. What? And he's in character and he's so committed and he's also on a fucking tightrope. Yeah. And so, but he's got these monkeys. Yeah. And Jimmy Fallon can't go through a scene without breaking. Come on. Yeah, this is. I can see the wire. Yeah. Like that's easy. Right, right. I mean, obviously I'm sure that's.

Oh shit. Uh oh, monkeys! We lost it. Oh no! Oh no! What a premise. This is like a squid game more than a comedy movie. Yeah, so there's just no idea what these monkeys are gonna do. What the fuck? Oh my god! Wow! It's my favorite fucking thing. What a badass. Yeah.

How scary that would be? Yeah, you have no idea. This is pre the monkey ripping the lady's face off in the 90s. Yeah. Did you watch that doc? No, I couldn't do it. Oh my God. Oh, they're going to bite his dick, aren't they? They eat him out. Yeah, but how amazing is that?

Wow. That's crazy. Wow. Yeah, Keaton can't fucking do that. Oh, come on. Fuck him, man. Keaton's the man. No, he's great. He's funnier, though, but Keaton's maybe more impressive physically. He's stunt-wise. Yeah. The technical stunts, yes. Rick, by the way, from this era, Dana Gould turned me on to a great book called Frame Up about Fatty Arbuckle. It's insane. Oh, wow, really? It's incredible.

Oh, I want to, yeah. I'd love to read that. It's so cool. I know Chris Farley really wanted to play Fatty Arbuckle in a biopic. It would have been so cool. Yeah, he was like obsessed with it. He really wanted that to be like a turning point for him. So that would have been really badass. Yep. But the monkey thing you were talking about. So I remember, I was going to do a bit about it, but there was another monkey story. That's the one. About, um...

That's when we broke his neck. Yeah, hold on. And spray. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. I remember that. The water pressure. Falling on the train tracks, by the way. Yeah. He just broke his neck and he... And he got right up. What an animal. No workers comp. No benefits. Nope.

All right. Sorry. No, that's fine, Mark. It's fine. Monkey? Monkeys. Jizz? No, so there was... AIDS? Oh, sorry. I heard it. I got jizz on the brain. Yeah, it's all right. AIDS, jizz on the brain. Yeah, no, there was a story that I was obsessed with about a guy. It was a couple that had a monkey, and I guess it was in a kennel. I'm loosely paraphrasing, but I guess they went and brought the monkey a birthday cake. It was a monkey's birthday cake.

And they brought the monkey a birthday cake. And this is what was told. Another monkey, they said, got jealous that the other monkey got a birthday cake. Yeah. And then attacked the guy holding the cake and then did what monkeys do instinctively. Ripped off his genitals, bit off his fingers and his nose. I guess that's their go-to thing. Yeah. Yeah. So, like, that's what he did to this guy. And it's all because he brought the monkey a birthday cake, which...

Whoa. Yeah, you've got, I don't know. There's so many layers to that. I don't know why you would bring a monkey a birthday cake. Right. Is the other monkey really jealous? I don't know how they know that. And you'd think he'd attack the other monkey, not the guy who brought the cake. Yeah. Well, the monkey didn't do anything. It was just his birthday. I guess so. It's the guy who did the thing. Yeah. It's also fire, so the monkey's going to panic about that. Oh.

Oh, right. Fire. But here's the thing the monkey did. He blew out the candles and made a wish. No way. Just kidding. That's how they knew. Damn. They found the wish. And the wish was to fucking eat a nose and dick sandwich. There was a lot more monkey comedy. I think that's gone by the wayside with PETA. We had like Clint Eastwood. Well, the Alan Cumming thing. There was that movie with Alan Cumming. And then that's what the doc is about. The woman took that monkey and kidnapped that monkey.

What? The monkey's like getting old. Alan Cumming was like part of trying to find this monkey because he bonded with the monkey. What? It's crazy. It's a crazy story. I just thought he was gay. There's a whole doc about it. It's crazy. What's it called? It's monkey something. It's on Max.

Chimp Empire. Chimp crazy. It's like the Tiger King for monkeys. You're going to hate this woman. She's insane. I already do. I don't even need to watch it. Yeah. Oh, there you go.

He's really branching out. Yeah. This guy's found a niche. Blonde, white, trash, people love animals. Then hamster haywire. It's getting crazy. Gerbilnado. Gerbilnado. Starring Gerbilnado with Richard Gere. Too soon, man. God, Mark, you really jumped on that one. 1888. Fuck, you're not afraid.

By the way, his career's never been the same. That really hurt his career right there. I don't think that's true, Mark. I think he's doing all right. I don't know. Name me one Richard Gere movie in the last 10 years. I think the gerbil thing was out there for a while, though. Well, clearly it still is. I'm telling you. It's on Mark's brain 24-7. You all got the reference? Yeah, we did. Immediately. Who the hell started that? That guy can't just walk into a Petco and look at gerbils. Exactly. You can't. No.

Nothing. Yeah. If I were him, I would do that. I would just double down, triple down. I would be like one of those pied pipers covered in gerbils just constantly, just rubbing in people's faces. And just cut a hole in your pants just to trick people. You know what he said? He's moving to Spain. Maybe. Aha. That's gerbil country. They don't know about it. They don't know about it. Yeah, exactly. It's like Woody Allen going to London. Look at the autofill. I just typed Richard Gere's space bar and then the

First! First! Thank you! You know his wife is jealous. Oh, yeah? The gerbils before me? His wife in her gerbil suit. Just... Look at that. Giant tube. Ha ha!

Good God. I've looked into this. I think you have to declaw them if you're going to do that. The gerbils? Yeah, because they'll just tear you up from the inside. I don't think you have to look into that to figure that out. Well, I mean, an amateur would just get a gerbil and he'd be done with it. Damn amateurs. A pro. That's a sad Reddit thread you looked up. Good God. The gerbil people. Who wants any part of anal claws? Oh. I like that. I'm hard. Now I'm hard. Now I'm hard. Ah.

Oh my god. Gerbil. Yeah. So yeah, elevators I fucking hate. That's crazy. Has anyone ever been like, not understood it, been like, what the fuck? Yeah, nonstop. Yeah. It's like, it's amazing. I don't understand why they have a stop button on an elevator. Do you know why? I don't know why. I'm actually asking that. We got the Google box. Why the fuck? Why would you want to stop an elevator? Maybe a berth?

I feel like they only use it- No, I think you'd want to expedite that. That's a good point. It's always in like a movie like Speed or Heat or something. Right. They're like, we got to get out early, you know, something like that. Oh, the cops need it. I feel like it's only used for better. For illegal things. Yeah. Like we got to circumvent the law. Halt the elevator in case of a critical situation allowing passengers to exit safely. But why wouldn't you exit safely on the floor? Yeah, why wouldn't you want to get out?

Wait, you know, this is a true story that happened to me. So really, really high-end hotels, which I don't stay at. I like staying at Marriott's. Me too. But really high-end hotels, they're fucking impossible to stairs. They're all locked down. It's super difficult. So I was filming a movie in Boston, and they put me up at the Ritz Hotel. And I was like, I don't need that. I can just stay at the Marriott. And they're like, no, no, no. And I'm like, okay, all right, fine. So I acquiesced. But we stayed there, and...

My friend Jay Galvin was with me and we had to take the elevator and we're going down from my floor and all of a sudden it just goes and stops. Oh, God. And I'm not embellishing this. On a fucking dime, he goes, dude, don't freak out. I grabbed the doors and I fucking ripped them open. And I'm not joking. And it was halfway to the lobby and I'm screaming. It was like out of a Keanu Reeves movie. I'm like, jump.

Jump. And Jay's like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, jump. No. And he fucking dive rolled into the lobby. Whoa. And then I dive rolled into the lobby and I was like shaking. And he was like, what the fuck just happened? And I'm like, I have no idea. Oh,

No idea what happened. You got like mom strength. Yeah, it was like surreal when you hear stories like that. It really happened to me. It happened once in a Tacoma. You would have freaked out. I was with my buddy Gary Veeder in a Tacoma elevator. And it's like 12 drunk people on the elevator. And they're like jumping up and down. Oh, what is that? And we're like, and Gary and I are like, what the fuck? And then the elevator got stuck. And it was Gary and I ripped the fucking thing open. And we're like yelling at these drunk. I did have a vision of like me jumping.

After you gave me your bag to take up in the elevator, I was like, fuck, something's going to happen. Yeah. I always think that when I do it, it's going to happen. You know what I mean? Right. That's why I'm like... And your elevator doors are the ones that are like a tomb. Uh-huh. They just are like... Right. And then you're in there for life. Are we looking at bad elevator things here? Oh, God. How hard was it to pull them open? You want to pull up my fucking dad dying? No.

Jesus Christ. Are you weird on flights or just elevators? I had a problem on flights. I had to get over it. Well, that bathroom is tiny. Yeah. Well, I've stopped flights before. I stopped a flight on a tarmac. What? It was a commuter flight. Flew into Minneapolis. I had to just pop over to Michigan and do a college test.

And I'm sitting there in the window seat and it was a tiny plane and this large man sits next to me and I'm kind of like against the window and I start hyperventilating and I just literally, I just go, stop, stop, we're taxiing off the gate. And I go, nope. And the stewardess is like, what do you mean? And I go, off, I gotta get off. And she was like,

Are you sure? And I'm like, yep, I'm out of here. And they had a taxi back. The plane was livid. And I felt really bad for the big dude next to me because he just knew that it was him just like gerbling me into the fucking declawing me into the window. Right, right. Yeah. But that's got to suck to be so fat you trigger someone's phobia. Yeah, totally. That's a bummer. Yeah. Poor guy. Man. He's probably dead. I want to try pulling the doors open.

How hard is that? It's not that hard. Okay. Well, I think the fear has to... Sure. That's the impetus to really... I wonder if the gerbil did that with the asshole. Oh, yeah. Dove out. Yeah. Pretty sweet. I would want to. That asshole's so tight. Oh, you know it. Because you've got to squeeze to keep him in. Yeah. Because he's going to be trying to burrow out of there. Just survival instinct. He's got a lot of PR. Yeah, he's not having a cigarette. They were not able to squash that shit. I know.

How do you not squash? Well, it was pre-internet, so word of mouth you can't squash. I guess. Yeah, that's true. The other one was Jamie Lee Curtis from Aphrodite. Yes! That was another one. And then there was Richard Gere drinking the cum. No. No. Rod Stewart. Rod Stewart. Sorry. Two Geres. I'm obsessed with Gere. I like on fucking Gere. This guy's really... We'd love to have you on, Rich.

Come on in, please. Also, Richard Gere fucked a baby at some point. I heard that, too. Mark's like, Richard Gere orchestrated 9-11. Fucking insane. This guy is a troll. I heard he started the fires in L.A. My God, Gere, dial it down a gear. Yeah. Take it down a gear. There we go. Richard. I'm gearing up. You fucking dick. Hey, is your house still alive?

Yes. All right. Thank God. Yes, it's still alive. Sorry. Is your house unburned? Yeah, no, it's okay. But a lot of people lost. Have you been back since? No, I fly back tonight. Ooh, scary. Yeah.

Thanks. Well, just saying. Your house is there, so you're good. Yeah, I just won't get on a fiery elevator. Good God. I don't understand people. One of my friends took me to some rich dude's house for some after bar, and he had an elevator, and it was literally the size of a coffin. And they all thought it was hilarious. It only fit three people, and they all piled in drunk, and it got stuck. Oh.

And they were like stuck for 40 minutes. Wow. And I was like, other people were at the party like, what the hell? And they had to call the fire department. I was like, why?

Why would you even risk that? Yeah. Some of those houses have, but it's always the shittiest elevator. Oh, yeah. What the fuck? Yeah. Buried alive. You can process that. Exactly. You're buried alive. There's one story that's the worst thing I've ever heard. Lay on me. Happened in New York, and you can look it up, and it's a real story about a fucking dude.

Richard Gere. No. This guy got stuck in an elevator for three and a half days. Oh. And it's 100%. The guy was on Oprah, made national news. He left work on Friday in Manhattan, left work on a holiday weekend. Yeah. And then forgot his phone, went back up, and the elevator got stuck. Oh.

And everybody had left for the weekend. And he was there for three days. What a nightmare. And they show a time lapse. He's trying to go to the bathroom. He's trying to ring the bell. He's trying to get out of the roof. Wow. He was there for three days. He was like, yeah, I had no idea what was going on. I had no idea what day it was or anything. That sucks because it sucks, but it's not like that James Franco thing where he like, no, his arm off. It's not like an inspiring story. It's just shitty. Just shitty. Right, yeah. No, it's just terrible. That just sucks. Yeah. Shit in the corner.

Oh, my God. This is it? This poor guy. I would go up the ceiling. Yeah, I'm like, how is there not some kind of trap door? Totally. They have to have them, don't they? Yeah. Oh, man. And no phone. You can't look at Instagram or anything. Yeah, there's no phone. He's on Tinder. Yeah, right? Oh.

Yeah. Yeah. It didn't open, though. But the floors are too wide. Three fucking days. Unbelievable. This isn't an hour or two hours. Three days. And he had a Snickers and a Gatorade in his backpack. Wow. So, A, I guess that kept him kind of alive. But I don't even know how you ration that. Right. And you probably think, oh, I'll be out in a few hours. I'll be out in, yeah. So I'd have it immediately, probably. Same. Horrible Snickers commercial. Or...

Or... Or Gatorade? In the fetal position is the rough part. Like, look at that. Oh, poor guy. Yeah, like, what do you do? Like, you have no idea what... Oh, my God, it's the worst. They do this in prison. They put you in the box if you're bad. This was like Shawshank. Yeah, you're in solitary. Yeah. Oh, this poor guy. Yeah. Great way to get people to lose weight, though. Your wife puts on a few, you throw it in an elevator, it shut down. Yeah, you take the stairs. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my God. Wait, so that's where someone found him? Yeah. At 40? Oh, I would blow that guy. Oh, yeah. Oh. I mean, you could sue for that, I assume. I mean, I was wondering. You can probably. Yeah. Yeah, look that up for us. That's insane. That's emotional distress and damage.

That's horrible. No one comes in on a weekend. Right. And it's MLK, that fucking asshole. It would be great if he was fucking in the fetal position and people came in and out. Strong people came in like. That would happen in New York. You just step over him. Yeah, totally. Some homeless guy. You could potentially sue instead. Yeah.

Oh, come on. That's horrific. Oh, 40 hours. You said three days. 40 hours is awful, but it's not as bad. Wait, 40 hours? That's about two days, almost. Oh, I thought, all right, that's not that bad. I'm just kidding. Two million dollars. Two mil! Oh, okay. Would you do it for two mil? 40 hours? If I gave you two mil right now to sit in that elevator for 40 hours, I would do it too. I would drug myself and just sleep.

That's true. But no phone. You got to do it. You can't know that it's going to happen, though. So at some point, so you could have diarrhea, Sam. Good point. We all know. So you'd be painting the wall. Yeah. You can't prep for it. Be a Pollock paint. Just I pull my pants. I'm like, fuck you.

You just spray the camera with your turds. We did a movie, The Longest Yard. Hell yeah. We filmed in Santa Fe, and it was home to one of the worst, I think it's the worst prison riot in U.S. history. Whoa. And so Adam's partner paid his assistant to sleep overnight in a cell. Whoa. And he couldn't leave. And it was like the most haunted, violent prison. And he spent an entire night in the cell. That's terrible. And afterwards, I was like...

And he couldn't have a flashlight. He couldn't have a phone. He couldn't have anything. And I go, what was that like? And he was like, I'm not doing that again. He gave me like a thousand bucks. And he was like, yeah, that was a fucking horrible. It's like, I was like hearing shit. And it's like, he was just like, it was awful. Jeez. Where's that memoir? Everybody's mad at Ellen. This guy's putting people in a cell for a, for a day.

Yeah, Ellen. Well, I'm just saying that's way worse. Their world was a prison. Mark, their world was a prison. That's true. How was that movie? Was that a fun one? Yeah, that was fun. I wasn't in it, but I was just writing during it. Oh, hell yeah. That was a fun one. I liked that one. Chris Rock. Yeah. Tracy Morgan.

Richard Gere as the gerbil. What if we pitch that a remake of Leave it to Beaver and it was Leave it to Gerbil? Richard Gere as the gerbil. You know they open up with that big circle, that's just his asshole. And that's the gerbil coming out to the day. Hello everybody. And it just pops out. Blood everywhere. It's kind of like Groundhog. Yeah.

It's going to be three more years of winter or whatever. Groundhog's gay. There we go. Yep, it's a porno now. Now it's a porno. Well, everything's a sequel anyway. You know his agent's getting calls. He's like, yeah, Richard's not doing Gerbil Project. I'm not touching that right now. I never thought I would spend this much time talking about Richard and Gerbil. Well, this is why it's such a big

big news story because it's got a lot of meat to the well not everybody knows that my mom just texted me she watched primal field what's primal why can't I speak I'm having a stroke what the fuck yeah my mom just texted me she watched primal fear I got it there we go and she was like he's still so handsome and I was like oh you don't know the gerbil yeah

That's a phenomenal movie, though. Dude, Ed Norton. Edward Norton's insane. Incredible movie. You want to talk about it? If people haven't seen that, watch it just for Ed Norton. He was totally unknown and beat out everybody in Hollywood for that part. He beat out Matt Damon, all these people. Yeah, he was like his first movie, I think. Yeah, it was incredible. Not to keep it on Richard Gere, but he used to fuck Robin Quivers. Really? From Howard Stern. Also fucked Mike Tyson. Is that right? Robin Givens. She's got a lot of range. No, that's a different line. Quivers.

Oh. She was hot. Oh, Robert Quivers from Howard Stern? Yeah. Oh. I think they used to date. And she said his penis was very disappointing. Imagine saying that on the biggest radio show of all time. What, did it have teeth and fur? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Richard. We're changing gears. I'm sorry, Richard. We're switching gears. Look at Mark, you fucking asshole. Oh.

All right. Well, she said she saw his dick somewhere. I don't know if she fucked him, but she saw his... I remember listening as a youth being like... So they dated and she just saw it? That's it? Yeah. I see his dick in American Gigolo. I can bring it up if you like. Please. All right. Okay. This is a gear heavy ep. Yeah. I didn't date.

We're going to get a phone call from the viewers, people. Not yet. Come rebuttal, Rich. Yeah, we'd love to have you on. By the way, I'm sure Gary Lovey is a big fan. Oh, that's not all right. He's got a normal wang here. That's deece. Yeah, what the hell, Robin Quivers? Yeah. He's got a fucking buff clit. Look at this roided out clit. It's a weird pose, though. Bad pose. A little fruity. Yeah. Yeah, it's not great. But...

Good looking man. Oh, there's a, it's winking at you there. The guy's a fucking legend. The guy's a legend. I got nowhere else to go. That's what his dick's saying right now. Keanu Reeves gay scene. Oh man. How did I miss that movie? I was just going to say probably my friend. Also phenomenal movie. Great movie. River Phoenix. Yeah. Okay. Great movie. I'll check that out. Sam, you mentioned to me, um, you guys talk about movies a lot. We do a lot of wrecks.

Like, if you got a recommendation for the people. That's fun. The gerbil said the same thing. Be to it. All right, that dick is really eyeballing me. Please. Do you have any recs? Yes, I do. Ooh, baby. One of my favorite movies. Here we go. From the makers of Napoleon Dynamite. It's a movie called Gentleman Broncos. Do you know it? No. Do you know it? No.

Phenomenal movie. Came out after Napoleon. Didn't really do anything at all. But it is so fucking good. It's in the same vein of really dry, quirky humor. But it's Jennifer Coolidge, Jemaine Clement, Sam Rockwell, Mike Londronu. Phenomenal. Mike White. Yep, Mike White. He's great. He's got the same vibe, too. Oh, cool.

It's so good. Oh, I'm excited. I will check this out. I love Jermaine Clement, man. Jermaine's amazing. He's so good. Flight of the Conchords was so funny. Yeah. Very funny. You'll love this movie. Oh, all right.

All right. It's kind of Wes Anderson meets Gummo. That's how I would describe this director. Just do that person right there. Maybe that's just that kid. You're wrong. Yeah, you're just going off the kid, man. Maybe I'm going off the kid. That's an ugly kid. What was your most fun movie that you... You've been in so many movies. What was the most fun one? Too many. Yeah.

Probably Charlie Chaplin's The Circus when I was a monk. You were great in that. They're all so fun. They're all different. One of them, kind of a sleeper that nobody really saw, was a movie called 30 Minutes or Less. And that was the director of Zombieland. And it's me, Danny McBride, Jesse Eisenberg, and Aziz Ansari. Okay. Fun group. That was a blast. Yeah. We filmed in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Madcap coffee. It didn't do well because we had a backlash. Uh-oh. Because there was an incident that's a real thing where these couple... Aziz, man. What's up, man? Hey, it's me. I'm Sean of the Comedy Cellar. So there was a real incident about a couple that took this mentally challenged person and strapped a bomb around his neck and had him rob a bank. Whoa.

Whoa. And then the bomb detonated and the guy died. So the writer used the premise of strapping a bomb to somebody to have them rob a bank. It's not based on what happened, but then people equated it to the movie. Like we were making fun of it, but we weren't. And it's a dark comedy. Sure. But the writer just used the premise of the bomb and somebody robbing a bank. But anyway, people were like...

You guys are a piece of shit. It's like, what the hell? We didn't do anything. Yeah, but it's also, we don't, it's not making fun of anything, but it's a great movie. Okay. Me and Danny McBride are the bad guy. That's one of the first times I've been a bad guy. All right. I'm down. Yeah, you're fucking down. That Eisenberg's a talent.

I mean, he's annoying and whatever, but he can write a movie. What are you, his fucking grandfather? Well, did you see that? That Eisenberg's a talent. That kid's got it. He's got something. I like this new movie. Moxie. Loved it. What is it? A Real Pain, his new movie. I haven't seen it yet. Oh, it's killer. Great, great movie. I remember I was on a flight with Jesse, and he was reading a script.

And I go, oh, what are you reading? And he goes, it's the new Woody Allen movie. And I was like, are you fucking kidding me? You have a fucking Woody Allen script on your lap right now. And he goes, yes. And I go, can I read it? And he goes, I'm not supposed to. And I go, okay.

Okay, I guess how is it and I just would like pick his brain Jesse's awesome. By the way, he's one of my oldest friends Yeah, and but he was you know protective of it obviously, but I was like so enamored. Let me switch gears here Oh Yeah, no, it's so um There's a movie coming out called 28 years later

Okay. Based on 28 Days Later, which was critically acclaimed, also Danny Boyle. Uh-huh. One of my favorite movies is 28 Weeks Later. The sequel today is that people don't talk about enough. The opening sequence to 28 Weeks Later, I...

Think is maybe the scariest thing I've ever seen in my life. Really? It's the opening. You don't have to play it. It's the opening like 10, 12 minutes, and it is fucking horrific. Come on. I was so obsessed with it that when I would have pregame parties at my house before we would go out, I would make people watch the first 10 minutes. What? I was so obsessed with it. So people would come over all fired up, and I'd be like, you guys, just wait. Before we go on, let's just 10 minutes real quick. Watch this.

And it was just, people were like, oh. Wow. Oh, God. And it would just ruin the mood, and then we would go out. Scarier than the special? Okay. All right. Sorry. Cut that. Wait, I've never even seen 28 Days Later. It's really good. They're both great. But 28 Weeks is underrated. I heard somewhere that you almost were in Tropic Thunder, but weren't. Ouch. Yeah. Several times. What happened? What happened?

So, Ben had called me about being in Tropic Thunder. So, it was like his pet, like, favorite thing. And I was like, yeah, done. Which role was it? Jack Black's role. Oh. And he wanted me to gain 100 pounds. No stairs. And, yeah, pfft.

Stairs made out of donuts, man. That's what they probably want to do. So I was like, okay. But I'm like, 100 pounds. He's like, you can do it. We'll figure it out. I'm like, okay. And then Sandler called me two days later. And he goes, hey, I'm doing this movie with Zohan. I want you to be in it and play my best friend in the movie.

And I'm like, okay. And then I called Ben back and they shot at the exact same time. And then they were trying to spend partner Stewart, who has passed away, um, was one of my best friends and they were trying to find something for me, but they were shooting in Hawaii and we were shooting in New York and it just couldn't, nothing could happen. And I loved the Zohan. It was great, but I love Tropic Thunder. So it was like, it was just the worst timing of both at the same time. I was like, fuck. Damn.

Damn. Yeah. Jack Black killed it. Oh, Jack was amazing. I mean, he was way more right for the part, but I was just honored that Ben, you know, thought, because I had done Blades of Glory with his company. Oh, right. Which is one of my favorite movies. That's a good movie. Yeah, you're the stalker. Yeah. Right. That's just a funny movie without me in it. That movie's fucking hilarious. How cool is that? Sandler calls you. I know you're used to it now. You've been doing it 700 years, but they call you. You can be in a movie.

You got it made. It's pretty fun. It's great. You shouldn't slough that off. I'm not, Mark. I'm just saying. You should embrace that. How in any way? I just said they were both great. He's happy. I'm just, yeah, I want you to know how cool that is. Were there any other ones that almost happened but didn't happen that you're like, fuck? I don't know, Mark. Are there? Well, let's see. Jesus fucking. Grandma's boy was great. Thank you. Classic. Wait, what were you asking? Sorry. Are there any others that almost happened but didn't happen?

No, there were ones I was up for that I was like, yeah, I did. This is true. I did. I got a call from my agent and they go, hey, they want to. This is 100% true. I just remember this. They want to read you for Star Wars. Yeah.

And I go, what do you mean? And they go, they want to read you for Anakin. What? And I go, wait, they call it for me, Nick Swartzen? Nick Swartzen, my name.

And they were like, yeah, they want to read it. And they know who, like, I'm a comedian. They were like, they don't care. They just, you have a good look for it, blah, blah, blah. Wow. And I'm like, okay. And so I just went in and read Lucas and read for fucking Anakin, who the part went to Hayden Christensen. A little hunk. But... You read it in front of George Lucas? Not in front of George Lucas. No, no. I went to his office, like, the company. And, yeah, it was like fucking, I was like, and I literally go, why am I here? Yeah.

And they go, well, you know, blah, blah, blah. And I go, just, I go, I'm honored. This is, like, amazing. Sure. But you saw me on, like, Reno 911 and thought, like, maybe Vader would skate around space or something. Like, this doesn't make any sense. I'm never getting this part. Yeah. They just laughed. And I'm like, yeah.

You never know. I mean, Robin Williams, Jim Carrey, they pulled off some serious roles. I feel like you could do a serious role. No, I could, but it's like to be in that Star Wars universe. I could definitely do it. I could fucking nail it. Yes. Yeah. You started in Minnesota? Yeah, in St. Paul. Was that tough? I mean, were there clubs and stuff there?

I started in 1996. Oh, okay. And they told me when I started that comedy was dead. Yeah. So, like, there were eight clubs at that time in the Twin Cities. What? Whoa. Eight clubs. Wow. I mean, this is coming off the 80s, like the boom of the 80s. Right, right. And when I was there, there were...

three. And then one of them was closing. So I remember the local comics were like, yeah, it's, oh, like, why are you even starting? They're like, it's done. Comedy's over. Yeah. So the people that started around that time were the people that really like

Really wanted to do stand-up and believed in doing stand-up, you know, like we made no money It was like sleeping in my car shit. Yeah, I mean cross-country so, you know Then I moved to New York and you know, that's what like everybody was Galifianakis and Jim Gaffigan Kevin Hart, I mean like the lineups were like insane back then Wow, and it was just all of us vying for like five minutes. So yeah Well, I knew that any of the older headliners take you on the road or help you out. I

The people I opened for starting out were Jay Moore, David Cross, Anthony Clark, and Janine Garofalo. Hey, star studded affair. Yeah, so they were all nice enough to bring me out on the road, which helped immensely. And then I in turn, when I would find funny young people, I would make fun of them.

make sure, you know, I would get him out and get him on the road and get him, like, good stage time. Yeah. Like, I remember, like, BJ Novak. Oh, yeah. I remember I saw him, brought him out to do shows. Dan Mintz, who's really funny. Very funny. Zach Galifianakis did shows for me. I'd open, he would open. Wow. Stuff like that. Man. Yeah, I mean, I'll just...

Find people like if I see a clip, but I'm like DM on Billy do really funny Yeah, that was funny because when we have a weird history, which is super funny The gerbil farm no No, but um before that before I realized our history. I remember seeing clips of you on Instagram and

And I was like, oh, this guy's really funny. I'm like, who the fuck is he? And then, because it was funny because I've been doing stand-up 30 years. I fucking know everybody. And I didn't know who you were. But you came off like you've been doing it for like 80 years. Like you had this like energy of just like, yeah, yeah.

Back at it again. Yeah, a little grizzle. I used to fuck Joan Rivers. That type of old Catskill diarrhea. Yeah. Just borscht. Just borscht belt. Fucking underwear. Yeah.

But it was just so funny just watching your stuff. It's almost like you're a vampire. Oh, yeah. Like, in a way, it's like you're Nosferatu. The Jewish vampire. The Jewish vampire Nosferatu. Nosferatu. That's pretty good. That was good. Wow. So, does Mark not know the history? I didn't know. Tell me. Lay it on me. Is that from fucking the college gig? No. You think I'm DeStefano now? No.

Oh, jeez. Did we go to college together? I thought we did back in the day. I don't think we did. Oh, that's awkward. I thought you were the one that told me that you booked. Where'd you go to college? Oh, fuck. You're right. Okay. You fucking asshole. I forgot this part, dude. You fucking dick. I fucked up, dude. Fuck you, man. I tried to book Nick at Tulane when I went there. So I was doing stand-up, and...

They wouldn't let me... They were like, you can open for who we bring down. I was like, all right. They brought down Dat Fan. Of course they did. And...

And it went well. So they were like, okay, you're good enough to – I mean, my jokes suck, but they were college because they wanted to like me. Yeah. And you can help bring people down. And I saw Nick's half hour and I was like, you should bring Nick Swartzen down. And Nick, because of Katrina, cut a deal. That's mean. He cut a deal, but I think they still couldn't afford him. So it was like – it just didn't – for time and whatever, it didn't work out. But then –

But then Burr ended up coming down. That was cool. But Nick was one of the only people to write me back. Pretty cool. No, but then I came back for half the money. Did you? Yeah. Not when I was there, though. I think you came back later. You had left, but I came back because I felt bad about the Katrina thing. Because I had started it.

whoopsie you and richard gear dude um but yeah so that we yeah we did correspond yeah that's cool yeah that must be exciting text to get from him i know it's pumped yeah but uh then sam sent me a shit pic so wait do you know andy dick i do know andy did you guys still partying

I haven't talked to him in a while, but I know Andy. Yeah, I have several Andy stories. Oh, well, I just bring it up because he got punched out in New Orleans on Bourbon Street. When? This is years ago. It was all over TMZ. Some guy knocked him out. He's been punched out. One story I just heard that he was in a bathroom with Wesley Snipes, and they were at the urinal, and Andy looked over at his penis and went like, oh, nice, and then Wesley punched him in the face. What? That's what I heard, and I wasn't. Woo!

I'm 100% believing it. The white men can't peek. Yeah, poor Andy. I don't know how he's still... Bless his heart. I respect that. I do the look over as well. Yeah, but you can't comment. You can't comment. That's the problem. The look over is already invasive. But wouldn't you rather hear nice than oof, poor guy. I don't think I want to hear either. I'd take a nice.

Yeah, but... He's got Dick in his name. He's an expert. Yeah, Andy's... He's bi, right? Andy's whatever Andy wants to be. I remember I opened for him at Irving Plaza, 1998, and it was Andy Dick's Circus of Freaks. So it was me, Todd Berry, Marilyn Rice Cub...

And so Andy was sober at the time. So he goes, okay, I'm going to go out and do this bit, okay? And I go, okay. And he goes, then I'm going to bring you on. And I go, okay, fine. So he goes out, goes on stage, starts doing stand-up, and then he had the bit where he had a guy who played his sponsor. Mm-hmm.

So he goes, I'm sober right now. It's great. And he goes, my sponsor, Paul, is here. So Paul comes up and he's wasted. That's great. So it's a whole bit. So Paul, I witnessed this. So Paul backstage had pounded like five cans of clam chowder. Oh, no. So Paul comes on stage and he goes, oh, my God, Paul, you're drunk. And Paul's like, fuck you, Eddie. Fuck.

And he's like, I don't know, fuck you! And then Paul does this reflex where he projectile vomits into Andy's face. Oh, man. So there's puke all over the fucking, like, all over his face, all over the stage. Andy fucking just goes to the microphone and he just goes, Nick Swartzen. And walks off. And I'm like...

The fuck was that? Yeah. I'm walking past him and he goes, sorry, sorry about that. I'm like, all right. I can see him doing that. It's not a good bit. No, no. Tough to follow. Yeah. At least give me one credit. Right. Good God. Nobody even knew who I was. They're just like, all right. Are you off the sauce? Yeah. Hey, how long?

I did have some celebratory drinks after my special taping, but I haven't drank this whole tour. I haven't drank since August. Holy moly. Yeah, it was fun when I saw you in Texas. I was like, it looks fucking good. Yeah, I didn't drink in Austin. Yeah, I didn't drink the entire Toilet Head tour. And I'm going to continue. I don't really want to drink anymore. Come on. I just don't. I'm like done. We got a bottle. Wait, what?

What about? I just feel like I won drinking. Right. Like I won. You went hard for a long time. I went hard for a long time. I was down low like I went hard in the paint. People don't realize. And I wasn't a drug guy. People always think I do blow and stuff like that. I was never a drug guy. I just loved drinking. Yeah. What about it did you love?

I just liked hanging out at a bar, watching a game. I love day drinking. I love airport bar drinks. I love checking into a hotel, getting a cocktail. All of that. What was your drink? Here's the funny thing. I always tried to do this where like...

I always tried to solve drinking where I would go through phases. So like everybody starts out drinking kind of whatever. Sure. Like Jack Coke, vodka, cranberry, you know, bullshit. And then you're like, well, I think I'm a whiskey guy. Right. And then I went through like a Jameson phase that imploded. And then I'm like, yeah, that's on me. Tequila. That's where I'm at. And then I went through that phase imploded that. And I'm just like, you know what?

I'm all about Jager bombs. It was just like, I just kept trying to find how to make it work. Yeah. And then it was like, nail polish remover, I mean. And then I just landed on like, I'm just vodka. Yeah. And I'm diabetic. I got diabetes in Key West. You got it there? Yeah. So it turns out, just everybody listening. That's a fucking amazing sentence. Yeah.

I'm sure I'm the first person to ever do that. I'm the first person to get too high and drunk on stage in Colorado.

Jimmy Buffett song. Yeah. But no, so Key West, it turns out, everybody, you can't get drunk every day, blacked out for a year and a half, and eat Key Lime Pie nonstop. In that altitude. It will. No, Key West doesn't have altitude. Oh, I thought you said Colorado. No, I was making a joke about what happened to me. Oh, I forgot about that. I didn't. Ha ha ha.

We'll cover that after. Fucking chat Sajak over here. One no sleep, I got a toddler. My friend saw you. I called you during, I don't know if you remember. You did call me. Many people did. My friend who I grew up with was just in Key West and he's like, I think Nick Swartz and shit face at the bar. And I was like, maybe I should check up on him because I feel like he didn't just randomly, like he's probably been here for a while. Dude, it was unreal.

It was so fun because it was during COVID. Yeah. So COVID was kind of a little superfluous there because it was like nobody really... Just, I don't know. It didn't really exist. Yep. Because it was all outdoors and everything. So it was just kind of like Narnia with bars. It was Varnia, you know? So it was like every day you just wake up and drink. Yeah. And then that night go see live music and drink and then pass out. Repeat. Sounds like heaven. There was nothing. It was fucking amazing. That's great. There was nothing...

you know, in the sense of there was no work. I didn't really, I was going to retire. Actually. I wanted to just live in Key West and, um, but I just, just completely succumbed to this Island life. Yeah. And like, I didn't care. I, it changed my whole perspective on life where when I came back to LA briefly, um,

And I like was like, why do I have all this stuff? And I like sold all my clothes and shoes and Rolex and diamond chain. And so I had all this stupid shit. And I just like lived in Key West and like flip flops and board shorts. It was like super happy. Yeah. It was like a really happy time. That's great. And it was like being at bars and just having discussions about like art and literature and music. And it was just fucking great. Hell yeah. I remember one of my highlights was they have a butterfly museum.

And I went and I spent $1,000 at the gift shop. Come on. I swear to God. You just sold all your stuff to then waste it on butterfly stuff? Yeah. Yeah. I was walking around in like butterfly pajamas, butterfly like bedazzled hats. The butterfly is your gerbil. Yes, it is. Wow. Butterfly kisses in my anus tonight. Wow.

I think that's the lyrics. I think. I'm not mistaken on that. Key West is a magical place. It's great. And they have the Key West Comedy Club. Yes. Phenomenal. Tom Dustin. And they have Tom Dustin. Our buddy just made a documentary about him and we don't know when it's coming out. God. Noah, I'm sorry for trying to give a plug. Whatever the plug to your friend. Fuck off. It's a great doc. Yeah. Documentary.

I think you're in it Key West Comedy Club well the funny thing is I was in Key West for a year and a half and I never did one set Tom can vouch for this I never did one set that must have driven him crazy you got a great comic one bar over and you went through a set literally just stumbling past your comedy club yeah and they have the Key West Theater I'll be there February 20th all my dates by the way nickswartzen.net back on the road picking up clubs for the theaters I missed and I've got more theaters when does this pod air?

Two weeks? Wait. Not this weekend, but the next one, right? Yeah. Okay. You're going to go to Key West as a sober guy? You know how hard that is? Yeah, dude. That's a challenge. No, I can do it. It's like a pedophile going to the Vatican. Okay. Yeah. He's a tough laugher. Oh, it's fine. That was an easy analogy. You know what? Yeah.

I know. That's great. Yeah. What's the website? Do you plug it? Dot net. Nick Swartzen dot net. Yeah. I couldn't get, I lost dot org. What about gov? Yeah. I wanted gov or edu. What'd you call him?

A vampire? Ed, you. Oh, no. I was a Woody Allen callback there. No, it's for our two. There it is. Yeah. All right. I'm going back to Florida. Yeah, dude. Which I know Sam has a beef talking.

but i know i love yeah i might film my next special in tampa i'm debating oh i'm doing it great florida's great for comedy i love it i love florida too people think i hate florida just because i fucking hate naples but like florida lauderdale is great i love orlando crowds are great yeah yeah miami's tough though miami's tough they're just they show up late they're kind of just not they're hot they're the thing about the florida club that you're talking about um off the hook you're off the hook

which I like a lot. I like the club. The thing about, this is one of my pet peeves. No, you don't. I do. Really? I do like that. Do you really? Well, here's the thing I don't like, and this is what I don't like in general about comedy, and I don't know how you guys feel about it. I don't like...

I don't like food at a comedy club. I don't like it either. And off the hook, it's like full on. It's really good food, but it's a full on fucking meal. It's like salmon and asparagus, surf and turf. Like a bib on. Yeah. And the staff's great. The food's great. But it's like... Food is good. It's fucking brutal to perform. Of course. Well, people... I don't understand. Like, people in the comments, why...

Why do you eat at a club when you go to a show? Even in comedy clubs, I have people eating cake in the front row. Isn't that not healthy for you? Of course. Yeah.

It should be no food. Like, comedy on Stade Madison, the fact that they have no food. Yeah. Fuck, this was a choice, and it's great. Yes. The main money you're making is on booze anyway. Of course. Yeah, and it's not like the show's that long. It's like when you go to a movie, you don't want to fucking surf and turf. They do that now. That's how they're trying to revive movie theaters. They're doing, like, two-year service. I've seen that. It's kind of fun, actually. But you don't have to laugh audibly as a response in a movie. Not a great way to see 12 Years a Slave. Right.

Yeah. You got the blackened chicken? But yeah, I'm with you on the food. And if you're going to eat at a comedy club, which is disgusting and weird, do it early. Go an hour early, pig out, and then enjoy a show with a full stomach. Yeah, when they bring out, we used to, you know, Caroline's all the time, they bring out the giant. Oh.

A block of chicken parmesan. Yes. It's fucking pungent, too. It's distressing. I know. I know. I'm smelling it. Yeah. And you know what, clubs? A lot of clubs do this popcorn now, which when you're bombing, all you hear is, I don't need that. Maybe don't bomb. Wow. I'm done.

trying that for 20 years i can't crack the code on that one at least it's not they should open a fajita comedy club or just hundreds of fucking it just looks like fucking armageddon that'd be beautiful i think we i think i did your fajita joke on a tv show once and i got creamed online no i didn't know you did it already and i did a similar thing that's fine

I just want to bury that. Some... Ben and Schaub got attacked for that, too. Well... Well, that's on you. Yeah. Yeah, you're doing the same thing. I know. I did a fajita joke that was like a throwaway observation at, like, the Laugh Factory. Yeah.

And then this was during the MySpace days, and it went viral during that time. And it was just literally an observation. It was just about fajitas and blah, blah, blah. Yeah. So it's like, I don't own an observation. Well, you had it first. Well, I mean, what was your joke? Just about how it's like the most attention-getting meal. Right. Similar to yours. Yeah, it's an obvious observation. The whole thing about comedy cops these days is so funny because I've had people go like,

oh dude I yeah that bit you do I just saw so and so do it right and I go really what's the bit and they're like it's exactly like yours and I go well what what is it

And they would tell me it. And I'm like, no, no, no. It's an observation. I got my, my punchline, the whole, where I take it is different. Yeah. You're just seeing the setup and the premise. Like we all share premises and then we have a different take on it. Totally. I saw someone posted like a morning TV thing. I did. And they're like, Bill Burr did it first or whatever. I'm like,

A lot of comics fuck around on morning TV. I know. We've all done it. It's a common thing. Good God. Yeah, well, they like to be the guy who gets you. I called him out. I'm the man. I'm the cop. Why would we all steal from each other? That doesn't make any sense. So I remember this when I first started. I remember this very vividly. And I was in Minnesota at my mom's apartment, 1997. And I did a bit at the open mic. And it was about athletes that celebrate. Hmm.

And I'm like, why are you celebrating? That's your job. You score a touchdown. Why are you freaking out and blah, blah, blah. And so I did a whole bit. I'm like, a doctor doesn't do that. They're not in surgery. And then they fucking last stitch. Then they fucking throw everything and spike all the stuff. So I thought I was all excited. And then I go home and I'm watching Conan. And Bill Burr is on Conan.

And Bill Burr does the exact same premise and the doctor and the surgeon. And there's no way he saw me in hell. There's no way I saw him. But it was just like minded thinking. Yeah. And I'll never forget that where I was like, oh, this is probably going to happen. Yeah. You know what I mean? And so I like when people go like, oh, you know, so and so's thief. I'm like, well, like, no.

Right. Let's like actually disprove this. You know what I mean? Because I've thought of bits where people are like, oh, Brian Regan does the same thing. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I came up with the N-word black people bit organically and it turns out Chris Rock already did it. That's true. Not my fault. That's not your fault. No. Sam, that's why we pray. I just wish you wouldn't do it at dinner all the time. That's when it gets weird. Can you tell, because we've had great Norm stories on here and you were actually tight with him. Can you tell any Norm stories? The King.

I mean, I do a couple in my set. Dude, they're great. So I don't want to give any of those away. Don't give those away yet. I'll share with you one that was one of my favorites. All right. So we're on tour. It's me, Sandler, and Spade, and Norm. And it's our final show. I believe it was Mohegan Sun. And so it's our final show. So we're deprived of sleep. So everybody's just like, let's sleep in. Okay? Okay.

So we're all in a text thread. So we all sleep in and we're, you know, wake up. And so Norm was on the thread at 6 a.m. on the thread with everybody. And he goes, hey, I'm getting breakfast. Anybody want to get breakfast? And radio silence. Everyone's sleeping. I wake up at about 9 a.m. and I go, hey, does anybody want to get breakfast? And people are like, yeah, yeah, I'm down, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

So we go down to the lobby and Norm's walking up and he goes, what are you doing? And I'm like, we're going to go get breakfast. He goes, yeah, that was my idea. I go, what do you mean? He goes, yeah, no, I said, you guys want to get breakfast? And nobody said anything. And I go, yeah, we're all sleeping. Adam's like, yeah, we're sleeping. And he goes, yeah, then Swartzen, he fucking goes, hey, you want to get breakfast? Now everybody wants to get breakfast. So he took my idea.

He took my idea. I go, I didn't fucking create breakfast. He goes, yeah, I know, but I thought of it first, my idea. He goes, they don't even have breakfast here. And we're at a casino, and we're like, they don't have breakfast. They always have breakfast. And then he goes, no, I've been walking around trying to find it. And then we go to the concierge. We're like, do you guys have breakfast? She's like, yeah, there's like three diners. And he goes, what? What?

What are you talking about? He was walking around. He had breakfast. It was like the most insane. Yeah. And that was the thing about Norm is like, you just never, I was always like, what are you talking about? Yeah. It's just like. Did he know he was being funny? I don't know. That's what's the genius of it. I can't tell. Well, that was the genius of it, but it was like, I was one of his good friends. So it was just like, I didn't steal your idea for breakfast. That's so funny. It's like so insane. Yeah, Swanson stole it. Yeah. I thought of it.

And it was so funny. I still have screenshots of the threads of all of us. Yeah. Because it was like, Norm would just, it was so bizarre. I remember one time we were going down to Florida. We had a whole run of shows in Florida. Like four sold out amphitheater, amazing shows. So we're on the- St. Augustine, right? Yeah. That's a beautiful- It's the best show I've, I'll talk about that in a second. It's the best show I've ever seen in my life. So we're on a thread-

So Norm is going to meet us from California and Florida. So two days before, we're like, all right, Florida, Orlando, blah, blah, blah. Excited, fired up. Yeah, yeah. See you guys there. So we go. We get into Orlando. We're all at the hotel. We're like, okay, Norm, you here yet? He goes, what? Where? And we're like, we're in Florida. We're in Orlando. Like, are you here? And he goes, Orlando? What are you talking about?

What do you mean? We have a show. We have a show tonight. And he goes, What? Who said that? I didn't know that. And I literally screenshotted it two days before Norm going, Can't wait to see you in Florida. And I go, You fucking said. And he goes,

Oh, yeah, no. Yeah, shit, I have the flu. And we're like, what do you mean you have the flu? He goes, yeah, I have the flu. And we're like, why don't you say you have the flu? And he goes, yeah, I forgot. And we're like, what the fuck? Yeah. So he missed the whole Florida run. Wow. He just didn't tell anybody his name's built on this thing, too? What?

Well, sometimes he was, sometimes he wasn't. Like we were the main four, me and Spade and Strainer and Adam. So Norm, they would be like a rotating, like Nealon, Tim Meadows, Norm, stuff like that. Yeah. But, um, but yeah, it was just like, you just said. That's hilarious. Were you ever nervous being the new guy? Cause all those guys have known each other forever. Um,

No, I came in hot. I just started slapping genitals. Well, I had worked with Adam for so long. And those guys all became really close. So when we went on tour, it was just...

You know, it was, I never felt like the new guy. It was just like my buddies. I've heard you got a jump shot too. I did before I went blind. I literally like, that was in Key West too. I have glasses now because I can't fucking see shit. I've had multiple people tell me, I remember Godfrey once was like, Swartzen's got a J dude. Dude, I used to, yeah, I was a shooting guard.

Yeah, I couldn't run point, but I was very like Redick. That was my idol who became a friend, J.J. Redick. Can I ask one more Norm question? He's my favorite. Okay.

Did he do well on the shows? Because I've only seen him live twice. And one night he fucking annihilated. It was like the roof came off. And then one night he bombed silence for like 45 minutes. It's kind of like whatever he wanted. You know, like he could... Yeah, he could murder or if he just wasn't in the mood, he would just go off on like some kind of whatever he wanted to do. Yeah. But he did say one of my favorite things ever.

I did a festival in San Diego and I headlined Friday, Norm headlined Saturday. And I stayed and hung out with Norm. And we're backstage and I'm right next to him. He's about to go on. Kirk Fox's opener is really funny. He's about to introduce, he's in the process of introducing him. He goes, you know, you're a headliner, blah, blah, blah. And Norm just turns to me and he just goes...

The only thing I'm good at, I hate. They're like, Norm Macdonald, and he went on stage. Jesus, that's dark. No, it was perfect. Because it's like, sometimes comedians are just like, I can, sometimes, I don't know, you just like, feel fucking dark. Sure. You don't feel like it, but yeah, but.

I mean, do you think he didn't like doing stand-up? No, he loved it. You know, it's just kind of just a self-loathing, like... Yeah. Maybe he just wasn't in the mood. It was a music festival. Oh, yeah. So, you know what I mean? I'm sure he was just like...

This could go either way. Yeah. I used to open for Louie and he would always pace in the green room and be like, I don't feel funny today. I don't feel funny. I don't have it. I'm not funny anymore. And then he would go up and murder. Yeah. I think before a show you just get that weird. You get in your head. I'm like a legit insane person before I go on stage. I don't know if you're like this. I get really tired. Like I get a weird fatigue where I'm just like, oh. And then people are like, are you okay? And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I just have to get out there. And then once I'm out there, I fucking love it. It's the best. Yeah.

But I remember Dana Carvey was saying that to me. We were doing a gig at Laugh Factory in Hollywood and it was Kevin Nealon's New Material Night. And I'm backstage with Dana and Dana's like, I'm going to bomb. I'm going to tank. And I'm like, you're not.

And he's like, "No, no, no, no, no. I just, I don't, I don't have anything, blah, blah, blah." And I'm like, "No, it's a new material night." And he's like, "No, no, no, I'm gonna bomb. I'm gonna bomb. I'm gonna bomb." And I'm like, "All right, whatever, dude." And he just went out and fucking murdered Dana Carvey. Yeah, exactly. Literally, he's the most charismatic, naturally hilarious human being that's ever created. Yeah. Much like a Richard Gere. Yeah! But, no, he's amazing.

It's funny when people say stuff like that. Now, was Norma... I mean, I know he's a brilliant comedian, blah, blah, blah. He said one question. Was he ever brutal to hang out with?

Like, was it ever hard? What? Abusive? No. It just means it was just like a hard hand. Was it annoying sometimes? Shut up, Sam. You know, like. I'm trying to fucking defend Mark. Well, like. Stupid question. He's got that. No, he's trying to like. I appreciate it. Be easy on my man. No, you can be. Hey, you're in our cave, man. What are you doing here, Nick? What are you doing here?

You know, he couldn't drive, so you had to go pick him up. He has that great story where his assistant was like, Norm, you're not going to believe this. I got a hooker last night, and she snorted coke off my dick. Don't tell anybody, please. And Norm's like, yeah, of course, I got you. And then the UPS guy walked in. He goes, ah, this guy got his dick coke snort by a hooker. And the guy was like, what are you doing? But that's Norm. Yeah, I mean...

It was always just interesting. I mean, there's a story I've told before. I'll just tell it quickly. Please. But it's the one of where I called him to watch a baseball game. So do you know this story? No. So I call him. It's noon. There's a triple header on. So I go to the bar, have a couple beers. And then Norm's like, hey, what are you doing?

And I go, I'm at the bar. I just got here. I've had a couple beers. Want to meet me and watch games? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you pick me up? And I go, no, I've already had drinks. I don't want to drink and drive. I go, you live a mile away. Just call a cab. It's before Uber.

And he goes, all right, yeah, see you there. So I'm like, okay. So I'm drinking at the bar. Watch one whole game. No norm. Another whole game. No norm. Text him. Nothing. No reply. This is what? Six hours now. Six hours. So now I'm like, solid buzz. Thank you, Mark. So then third game. No norm. So it's nine o'clock at night. Now I'm like fucking drunk as shit. And I'm leaving the bar and he's walking in.

And he goes, where are you going? And I go, what do you mean? Where the fuck have you been? Yeah. I watched all three games. I'm like in a blackout. I can't walk. And he goes, so you're leaving? And I go, yeah, I can't see. This is what I'm talking about. And he goes, yeah, and this is the best part. This is so Norm. I go, where the fuck have you been? And he goes, I had to do laundry. Ha!

hours for nine hours i go nine hours to run an orphanage the fuck are you doing you wear the same thing yes right he goes yeah so i stayed and had like one more beer but it was just like that would drive me crazy of course that's what i'm talking about but i mean that's why like you just never you would never like fully invest right but he was great though he was really competitive one time um

He goes, hey, you ever play ping pong? And I go, yeah. I grew up playing ping pong. I had a ping pong table. You ever play ping pong? No way. I play ping pong. I'm really good. And I go, I bet you I beat you. And he goes, no, no, no. I bet you won't.

And I go, yeah, he goes, he goes, and I got a new ping pong table. So I go over to his place and we're playing ping pong and I'm annihilate him like in front of him is in front of Lori and his son. And it's just, and he's fucking livid and I'm just, just smoking. And he's like, what the fuck?

What are you, fucking half Asian? What's going on here? What are you doing? And I'm like, I grew up playing ping pong. I'm like, really, really, really good. And he's like, yeah, I play again. And so I just kept beating him. And then I felt bad. It was kind of like I would let up a little bit. Yeah. And he could tell and he would make it more mad. Nah.

He's like, yeah, yeah, fuck you. And he was just so mad. Oh, that's funny. So there was a funny competitive side to him. God, could you imagine him trying to have a girlfriend or anything like that? Showing up nine hours late to stuff? It's insane. No. Or not be able to drive in L.A.? That is crazy. I have another friend who can't drive in L.A., and how do you live there?

You got Uber now, but this is, you know, in the 90s and early 2000s. Yeah. I mean, it was tricky. I mean, I can't believe I don't have a DUI. I mean, so many stupid decisions of like, because I would live in Venice Beach and I would do sets at the improv. So I'd like try and sleep in my car, but sometimes like you would roll the dice. Yeah. And you get off because of your fame.

No, one time. Yeah, I did a couple of times. I would get out of tickets because I was on Reno 911. Oh, beautiful. But this is a true story of getting out of a DUI. This is 100% true. I was leaving the improv and I was going six blocks to a bar in Hollywood. And I'd had about five or six drinks, which is nothing. It's easy. Okay.

So I'm driving and I go, I'm going to go back roads, not do major streets just in case. So I go back roads and I pass a cop car going down. I'm almost to the bar and I pass this cop car. My windows are down and music's blaring. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I just know they're going to pull me over. I just know it. And I look at my rear view and they're doing a U-turn. So I floor it.

Step on the gas. Go to the street in front of me. Whip a hard right. There's a meter there. Thank God. I jump out. Get out of the car. Turn the car off. Cops come by. Whee!

Pulled up behind me. They're like, hands on the car. Hands on the hood. Hands up, up, up. Empty your pockets. They're like, are you on drugs? And I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. And I'm emptying my pockets. And they're like, okay, what are you doing? What are you doing? And I'm like, I just got off stage. I was at the improv. I'm a comedian. I was just going to this bar. And they're like, okay, you have drugs on you? And I go, no, I don't do any drugs. There's no drugs, I promise. And they're like, have you been drinking? And I go...

I'm not going to lie to you. I had a drink after I got off stage. I go, it's so scary doing stand-up that I just, I had to just to kill the nerves because it's just so scary. And they totally were like, oh yeah, I can see that. Yeah, that'd be horrifying. Well played. And I go, yeah, I go, I'm not going to lie to you though. Then, this is before cell phones, and I had a little notepad with all my jokes and ideas and premises. So the cop goes, what's up?

And I go, it's my joke notebook. And he goes, okay. And he looks at it and he goes, what's that? And I go, joke. And he goes, what is it? And I told it to him and he goes, that's very funny. And then he goes, what's that? And I go, it's an idea I have for a TV show. And he goes, what's the idea? And I go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And he goes, yeah, that could work. Ha ha!

And then he's like, this is the most LA polar bear. It's so insane. And it's a hundred percent true. He's like, that's a Bill Bird joke actually. What's this drawing of a gerbil? So then he like points out one more joke. So he turns to his partner and he goes, what do you think? And the guy goes, I don't know. The kid's a fucking comedian.

And he goes, okay. He goes, good luck, man. He goes, don't get back in that fucking car. And I go, I won't. I won't. I swear to God. And he goes, okay. And they left. And I walked into the bar and I was like, oh, my fucking God. I couldn't believe. I'm invincible. It was insane. I just never. You're act. That happened to me when I was at school and they pulled my notepad out, but they hated my fucking joke. No way. Yeah. They were like, that sucks.

No way. Yeah, it was fucking annoying. Did they let you off though? They let me off. Okay. And it was a bit of my act. This was a story, but a guy, a true story, a guy actually had cocaine on him. I didn't know him. They stopped all of us. And he

He didn't search the guy because they beat up on me for my shitty jokes. Oh, he owes you a beer. Yeah, yeah. And a bump. Good God. It was fucking weird. I got pulled over in Rhode Island. This is a month ago. I think I told you the story. Cop pulls me out of the car. I go, I'm a comedian. He goes, give me three jokes. First two bombed. He was about to take me to jail. I'm hammered. Did a trans joke.

Smooth sailing. No way. Oh, yeah. Are you serious? The black joke, I thought I'd pull out a black one first, and I think I did an Asian, and then a trans joke. Woo!

baby. I'm home free. Wow. I love that you said, I'm going to be honest to a cop. You know it's not that bad though because a pedo would never be like, I fucked one kid. I was nervous. That's true. Good God. But if you level with them, if you go into an emotional connection, my friend, we got pulled over. We were in high school. He was whizzing down this highway. We were all drunk and the cop pulled him over and he gets out and he goes, I just got dumped. I'm so sad. My girlfriend, she was a lovely

my life the cops like i get it man get out of here and we got out of it i love cops yeah amazing good people on the show called working on new bits question mark are you working on new yeah i didn't prep them on this i did i said peeves i said peeves if you have any pee i gotta watch the time too oh shit yeah we've gone over i've got a little bit um i'll tell you this one i uh

I was at dinner. I was doing the movie Just Go with it with Sandler and Jennifer Aniston, and we're in Maui. Wow. And we're all out to dinner. It was pretty awesome. That was a great shoot. She's very cool, I'm guessing. She's cool as shit. She's like the coolest person. What about Barack Obama? He was not in the movie. All right. I heard they were canoodling. That's the rumor.

Is that true? Yeah, pull it up. I don't know if it's true. It's a rumor. She didn't deny it on Kimmel. There's rumors. No, she did deny it. Oh, she did. Oh, okay. I saw a different version. No, she gets like a million rumors. I remember we were hanging out in our hotel room and she was like, look at this. And she just like Googled her name and it was like all this stuff. She goes, this is what I deal with. It was like all this fucking nonsense. And Michelle fucked David Schwimmer too. There was one that said Jennifer Aniston's addicted to grapes or something. Grapes?

It was like one thing she's like, I'm not a, what does that even mean? Statutory. So anyway, we're at, um, we're at a dinner and it's Sandler, the whole crew. And then Woody Harrelson lives in Maui. So he crashed the, he crashed the dinner. So we're hanging out and I had just met him. And so, um, we're, you know, just having dinner. And so Jennifer's like, Woody, Nick does stand up. He's also a standup. And Woody goes, oh yeah. Tell me a joke. Ah, here we go. And then everybody got quiet and he was like dead serious.

And I go, what do you mean? We're at dinner. And he goes, no, tell me a joke. And I'm like, okay. And then I just, I told him a joke and I go, and it was one I use with police when I get pulled over if they're like, tell me a joke. And I go, blonde walks into a library and she's like, can I get two cheeseburgers? And I'm like, this is a library. And she's like, sorry, can I get two cheeseburgers? I told that joke to Woody and it was just a beat. And he just goes.

I was like, Jesus Christ. Yeah, it wasn't like Cheers Woody Harrelson. It was like Natural Born Killers Woody Harrelson. Was he cool after that? Yeah, he was cool as fuck. He's like the nicest dude. He seems like a cool dude. Yeah, he was great. Yeah, I remember he did this bit at the bar and he pulled out a tin of red powder and

And he goes, hey, I grow my own cayenne pepper. Whoa. And I go, no way. That's cool. And he goes, yeah, I have a farm. And he goes, smell it. And I go, okay. Like an idiot. And I go, okay. Ah! So immediate fire, pain, sobbing. Like, it was so painful. And he's laughing. And I'm like, oh, my God. And I go and rinse my fucking eyes out, blah, blah, blah. And I go back. And he's like, sorry about that, man. I didn't think you were really going to do it. And I go, yeah, that sucked. And he goes...

Yeah, I'll do it too then. Sorry. He did it and he was like, What a guy. So he went through it too. So it was cool. Have you tried those smelling salts? Oh, it's a nightmare. Those are brutal. No. The NFL players do. They have it in Rogan's green room at that club. Oh, no. In comes the Grim Reaper. Ah.

Hi, sweetheart. How are you? What a bonus. He's got a flight to catch. Boners. What is this? Is that a gerbil? Oh, shit. What? What is it? It's from Mark. He had a job. It's from me and Sam. You got me a gift. Sorry. You can open it afterwards. Should I? Maybe a little jumpsuit.

Oh, come on. You are not allowed in a kid's store. Look at this. This is good stuff. Oh, this is a classic. This should be on every kid's shelf. Yeah. Just ask Kevin Spacey. Yeah, Kevin O did the soundtrack for that book. Wow. This is great. I grew up with this book. Good Night Moon. Every child should have it. Yeah. That's great. Wow. Thank you, Ari. What a guy. You're welcome. Yeah, I try my best. God bless you, Ari.

I'll read the card aloud. I hope it's not too sad. No, no, no. You don't have to read it. By the way, Ari's got a new special out on Netflix. Give it a watch. Thank you. Yeah. It's called America's Sweetheart. Yes. On Netflix. 85K on plants. That's not wrong. Ari, we were talking about the new Jewish vampire movie that's out right now, Nosferatu. No.

That guy looks so much like me. He does. I saw it. I was like, wait, was I in this? Did I forget? You're the stunt double. Here, wait. All right, take my place. I got to go. He's going to the airport. Yeah, I got to make sure. Oh, really? You came so late. I know. I had to come straight. Bandit wouldn't poop.

Ah, his girlfriend. Everyone said Sam has diarrhea. That's a standard for Sam. I know. Weak Jewish stomachs, man. Yeah, I know. You have a weak one, right? I've managed, but yeah, it's not great. I'm a bloody guy. Ugh.

and all blood yuck all blood i mean sometimes it's mostly blood it's the first third of it you're gonna flag that or no you're just gonna roll with it roll with it yeah his age listen god has his plan for everyone yeah nick plug some dates before we go man nicholas well when does it when is this gonna drop two weeks so so what would that be then the 20th just

So start here. Key West. Nice. So Key West and then Florida. But Richmond, right? Yeah. And then Houston Improv. You got to hit Pearly's in Richmond, dude. West Palm. Yeah. Great diner. Yeah. I'm picking up some clubs and then. That's a big room. And 410. The comedy works in downtown Denver. And south. You're going everywhere in Denver. Yeah. Yeah. It's pretty cool. And then there's more dates added too. So they're all on the website. You're not going to do an edible, are you?

We'll see. Ooh, you got to go now. We'll see. A bloody edible. Ain't no bloody edible. That's the name of my next special. What were some of the rumors people made up about it? Because you had all kinds of stuff swirling. He's on drugs. I fucking literally went to Colorado. It was 9,000 feet altitude. I was starting my tour. I was in a good mood. And not even the tour. I was prepping for it. Yeah. And I fucking had cocktails. And then somebody gave me an edible, which I eat.

But it hit me when I went on stage. Yep. And it was a new set, so I didn't have my set list. Oh. And so I was like brain farting on stage. And then I was like trying to like remember where the act was. It was a brand new act. And then somebody videotaped it and sent it to TMZ. And then the theater pulled me and my opener, Ari Maness. Yeah. Ari was like, don't pull him. What the fuck are you doing? And they're like, no, no, no. So they pulled him and the crowd was like, boo.

Like, don't. And I just wave. You got to pull your own show. That's, yeah. Wow. It's mountain town. It's mixed with, like, Degenerates and Illuminati. Right. Our billionaires might be upset. Right. Yeah, totally. I've done that. It was a weird show. I did it right before you, actually. I saw you right there the next day. Yeah, that's right. That's right. People are, like, really worried about Nick. I'm like, why? I had a meaningful conversation with him. Yeah, like, totally not a red flag at all.

Like, good God. And then it was like on Yahoo News. USA Today called me for a comment. Whoa. I'm like, what did Michael Richards go through? Ah!

Like I didn't go through like some like fucking meltdown. I was just too high in Colorado. Yeah. I wasn't at the fucking, you know what I mean? We never would have said that in Colorado. Too many whites. That's true. Yeah, exactly. God. All right. I got to go. All right. Thanks, Nick. I love you. Let's take a photo. Hell yeah. Get the moon in there. Good night. Hey, sex with kids.

All right. Praise him. Thanks for the gift, sorry. Yeah, buddy. Congratulations on the addition. Being away is quite nice. Hey, thanks for doing it, man. Good stories, good ep, good times. Boy, I got a weird handshake. They got a hug. That was tough. Sorry, dude. All right.

It was your body mark. Wow. When are you leaving? One of those nights? I'm leaving Wednesday morning or tomorrow night. I thought you were gone already. Yeah, I was like two days and I'm gone for six weeks. Whoa, six weeks. Where are you going? All over. LA, Nashville, San Jose, San Antonio, Denver, Atlanta, Portland.

Yeah, so I'll do some press shit in Austin. I'm in San Antonio. I'll stay there for a little bit in LA. And Bray, I'll do press there until I go to Nashville. Do some press there. No sets though? No, all sets. Oh, okay, okay, great. In between, I'll stay there. Oh, okay, great. You just stay in a hotel or something? San Antonio. Yeah, San Antonio. I'll go back up to Austin, hang out there, do spots and shit.

All right. I'm going to go skiing in between Tampa and Florida. Come on. You're living. Get two days off. I know, but I have a kid now. All this shit is just FOMO for me. Dude, I was using a fake pass.

I got caught with a fake pass. Oh, no. What pass? It was in a... Well, I don't want to say which one, but it was one of the passes for Ski Towns. Yeah. And I was with Ryan O'Neal, and they go, we're like, we already dinged it six times. And then I go, sir, step out of line for a second. Oh, shit. And then I'm like, well, we're fucked. I already knew we're fucked, but we still hold out hope. And they go, can I see your face? And he goes...

No. He goes, well, can I see some ID? He goes, I don't have any ID.

And they didn't let you in? No. He goes, I need to see something. Why can't I see your face? And O'Neal just went straight Karen. He goes, I was badly burned. Are you familiar with the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1997? Good for him. The guy was like, you think this is the first time I've seen a fake pass? They're pretty lax with them. We went skiing. Very lax. And what's his fucking name? The guy, the barstool guy. He gave me his pass. Francis. Francis.

Ellis. Ellis. Yeah. He's like, here, take my pass. I'm like, your photo is on there. They always get used. He's like a 6'4 Nazi looking blonde guy. And I'm a twink 5'10 curly douche. And it worked every time. Not a peep. They just go, go. It's all coke heads bringing it in. One old man. Don't go to the old man. Yeah. Cool dudes in those types of jobs. They're just like, I'm just looking to do this until I can ski. Park City lines are insane. Oh,

Oh, they had a strike. It's over now. Oh. They had a strike, so they had to shut a bunch of lives. What? We didn't tell anybody. They had a strike for the ... They wanted more money. Are you guys good skiers? I'm okay at snowboarding. I can't ski to save my life. I'm okay, but I go for it. He's good. You're good. You're pretty good. You're above average. The best terrible to challenging ratio is Ian Finance. He's awful. So bad. And just bombs it.

He'll go up on fucking smoke. He goes, I'll try one leg. I'm like, buddy, you don't even know how to ski yet. Yeah, and he's smoking the whole time. Smoking, no helmet, just smoking, one leg in it. Yeah. And he's bad. You know what was really bad was Gillis. He's just a big snowman out there. Gillis is terrible. He looks like the Michelin man. I've never even tried. Eagle's jacket. I would be worse. You'd be worse.

Yeah, it's fun as hell. I mean, one day you got it. Just do it for a full day and you got it down. You got it. Snowboarding is easier to master, I've heard. Yeah, I agree. Plus, I'm used to going sideways because of skateboarding my whole life. Yeah, and you're bisexual, so it's halfway there. There you go. I go both ways. Yeah. And yeah, it's a great, really the fun time is cooking the dinner, shitting on the comics, getting drunk, doing drugs. God, it was fun. Getting in the hot tub. I gave you a VD.

Yeah. Hell yeah. Comedian ski trip was the best. The best. Doing nothing for three days, had a show to pay for it. Yeah. We'd put on a bad special just to shit on it. Put on a bad special just to shit on it. It was like, come on, I want to hear these bad jokes. Who are you watching? Wait, did I got this at the VU? We can't say, but yeah, you know, you know the culprits. Yeah. Yeah. And just like...

It's fun. It's a good time. Yeah, Renazisi makes Ziti. Yeah. In the morning, we all just have a blast. Shane does two runs and then starts drinking. Yeah, and then he cuts it out. Sean Patton, he's so fat, he had to quit like halfway through. He had to leave him on the mountain. The helicopter got him. Oh, he always. I watch his show, the FX show. It's killer. He's amazing on it. Yeah. You seen it?

He's a real piece of shit on it. I love him. Yeah, it's great. He's the comedic relief. It's a well-written show. Comedic relief on a sitcom, but he really is. He made it. And it's actually a really good sitcom as far as sitcoms go. The principal's great, too. The guy from Just Shoot Me. Oh, yeah. There we are, hungover and gay. He's rocking a Nate Robinson jersey. These are all jerseys I found for the ski trip. Thrift store? Yeah, any double or triple extra large, I would get it. You're rocking a Kobe? Yeah.

uh no yeah no i had a kobe i gave it to from the roast i gave it to norman he's he's rocking it um i'm down i'm rocking out i also have some hills i forgot who 23 on golden state was before no it's draymond dude it's pre-dramont really yeah cj watson fuck i wish i knew i had a dirt dirk davitsky for a while i don't know who's not in this

Somebody's not in this. Well, Pat was gone because he can't remember. He stopped doing the skiing because he was too hurt. Oh, we had Chrysler one year too. Chrysler came one year.

Yeah, Sal came one year. Oh, yeah. Big Sal Volcano. Yeah. Man, what did we do? Four or five times? Yeah, it was great. We'll go again. We all slept in the condo, like floors and stuff. Oh, yeah. But the first time, nobody was a draw. Right. Let's just do this show. We did a This Is Not Happening show, a storytelling show. It was like, we don't have room for extra rooms. That's right. So we just got air mattresses.

Amazing. Those are good times. We're going to remember these days when we're old and gay and in a wheelchair. Yeah. Damn. Shane was still paying for merch. Shane still had nowhere to be. Now he's like, I'm in eight movies. I'm on an arena tour. I'm in a Bud Light commercial, Under Armour commercial.

Yeah. O'Neal's got the Ben Wallace. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Those jerseys hidden to jam to be able to find each other in the mountain. Brilliant. Brilliant. Yeah. That's a good idea. I didn't think about that. Oh, yeah. Get them cheap at thrift stores. Just the biggest ones. They're fun. They're fun. Yeah. And you see a Philly jersey popping out of a snowbank and you're like, oh, this finance is a fully covered body. Yeah.

Yeah, it's funny to be able to spot you. And then you get props on like, oh, hey, that. And we're all like, I don't know. It was just Canada's part, too. I feel bad. You came to see Nick, and then he saw you and left. He doesn't take elevators? He walked 16 floors up. I was not aware of that. You didn't know that? No. I thought he was fucking with me when he texted to me, and I was like, ha-ha. And then he was like, no, I'm not kidding, man. I really didn't. Yeah. He won't take elevators, but he'll take random edibles on a mountain? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Always trust your instincts.

How are you guys doing? I'm on two hours of sleep. Love New York. They said it was fucking global warming made the winter stop. Great. It's here. It's back. Yeah, it's nice. 40 degrees. Yeah, Trump's America. This is Trump's America. Is this coming out the day of the Super Bowl? The 8th? 9th? That's the day of the Super Bowl. Who do you got? Eagles versus Chiefs, is it? Okay. It's hard to bet against the Chiefs. I know. God, I wanted the Bills to pull that out. I wanted the Bills to win. Did you see Allen's

Breath go out of him when they got that last first down. Because the fact that he got that ball off. He got the ball and it hit him in the hands. That guy should have come. And also on fourth down, he made that. That was a first. That was right on the line. A couple things went against him there. But he just goes like this. He's like this. And then you see his puff of smoke as he breathes out his fears and his fucking failures. It's kind of like going against Brady where you just kind of wish you were in another conference. You just want to get there because...

Dude, you have to go through the Ravens and the fucking... This is his legacy. Even the old Bills went to the Super Bowl every year. He's a footnote in 20 years. Harder now, though, obviously. Sure, sure. But no one will remember this if you don't go to the show. Wait a minute. Did the Eagles play the Chiefs in a Super Bowl two years ago? Yeah. I was at that one. And the Chiefs won. And the Chiefs won. You went to it? With Gillis. Oh, Burt. And Big J. And Burt. Yeah. And it was a sad, sad state. You gotta make that catch. And then you're up...

Then you just got to get a field goal. It felt like that Giants throw when Eli broke through and threw it to Tyree, except I fucking caught it. Yeah. You know? This is last night? I mean, the fact that he makes it on a receiver's hands. In a receiver's hands. Was it a honky? Yeah. Ah, fuck me. He's Steve Larger in a receiver's hands. Ouch. Ouch.

And then there was a flag, and they just, yeah, that's sad. It's sad when they're, like, hugging you, like, sorry. Right then. Yeah. What a game. Did you hit your wife, Peters? Yeah. I did see a black eye out there. I can understand. I don't say hit your wife, but when you're that mad about a football team, and she says just one thing wrong. What's that Nick DiPaolo joke? He's like, you never said the N-word? I guess you never bet any money on the magic or something like that.

That's his fault for betting on the magic. Dump it to the left, bro. Dump it to the left. Look at that. But no, you had a guy, actually. You hit the right guy. Oh, that hurts. I'm not saying we could have caught that, but... We could have. I could have caught that with one hand. Give us ten chances. We make a couple of those catches. One of these. Yep. He put his hands on it. He wasn't like it over there. He went right to his fuck. Big mistake. That sucks.

Damn, all right. We're never going to see you again. You're going to be on the road. I'll be back in March for like four days and then April. April, I'm back. April, I'm back. Why do you decide to go out like this? I took from June to December off.

And then I got to go hard because I was going to want to. The question is, why don't you come back in between? Oh, well, I scheduled so I could do press for the special. We can Nashville. We can LA. We can Austin. You're all over my album. I'm going hard next month. I'm doing 20 cities next month. 20 cities. This month. This month. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah. Those are ready. But yeah, I got the bus. You could see me in. You're doing the bus? Yeah. Who are you going with? Uh.

Peter. Nice. Web filming, and we got my tour manager, Brian Hubbard. So we're starting on the 11th here, right? Are they booze bags or not? No, they will be for the thing. Does Peter drink? Barely. He will for this tour. Nice. Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, and Durham all in this month. Oh, I did the Bijou, and that's where it was? Great theater. Goddamn. I heard someone else film there. That's why I was like... It's good. Oh, yeah. I would think that would...

You're not filming there, are you? No, no, no. But it's one of those where you see it, you're like, oh yeah. And the crowds are fucking perfect. They're happy. Dusty Slay film there. Yeah, that's what it is. Yeah, I got New Haven coming up, Providence, a bunch of other ones. Portsmouth, we added a show there. Portland, Maine, Berlin. Nice. Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo. It goes on and on. Madison, the Orpheum. They send out

paper tickets. Oh no. It's so old school that guy. He rules. He talks about any musician you want. There's going to be paper in that room. I'm doing a Monday. You're doing some tough markets too. Well, you got to go everywhere, baby. Hell yeah. I love it. Yeah. Bob Bo is good in San Diego. Go through my website, please. Don't go by. Don't hit me up that tickets are crazy expensive. Isn't that crazy? People show up and they go, I paid $180 for these tickets. I'm like, there's still some left for $30. I know. What are you doing?

Yeah, right? Go to the guy's website. And then they yell at us. Like, we put the prices out. I'm not charging $400. It's confusing, though, because a lot of people just Google. Yeah, tickets. Right. Yeah, just go to our sites. Go to Punch-Up, for Christ's sake. Hey, I'm in Reno! Not bragging. I'm doing a bunch of casino dates to get a nice purse and one

night only I'm out of there who cares about the draw they don't give a fuck anyone there's like sometimes you're like don't draw well you're like I'm sorry it goes I don't care exactly daddy daycare tour dude yeah I'll probably lose it all at the craps table but I'll hit the buffet then we're going to Napa Santa Barbara Asheville make update for the hurricane Bristol Tennessee New Brunswick Ithaca Rochester Portchester Albany Burlington Wausau how do you say that

Green Bay, Eugene, San Jose. Well, this goes on and on. I heard a tell out a line about Eugene once. He called it a Eugene, Oregon, or the town that makeup forgot. What?

Not bad. Fucking great. I think Nike's from there. No, they're Portland, aren't they? Portland, yeah. Right outside Portland. Like an hour. You ever go to that store? It's not that great. Really? But you get to shop. You get to just get free stuff. But I feel like you expect them like cool shit and it's kind of like, they're like, yeah, this is our other shit. Oh, interesting. It's a trek and it ain't great. It's a trek. And then the amount of money you spend on a cab out there is like, all right, that's like two pairs of shoes already. Wow.

It's a lot. Interesting. This is a Jewy conversation. It could be it. Yeah, it is. Sounds right. I bought a pair of slips or whatever they're called. Vans? No, the ones you slip on. Slides? Slides. Ah. Jordan Slides. I took them to Southeast Asia. By country three, they stunk so bad, I just soaked them overnight in soapy water, pulled them out. They still smelled terrible. Whoa. And I was like, I just got to dump these. Yeah. There's some Cambodian villager. Oh, my God.

Wearing some nice slides. No, no. Those are cool, though. I can't picture even those. No, those are cool. It was like some light blue. Oh, those. Yeah, those absorb weird. Yeah. Yeah, it had all the dots on it. That's it. That's it. But in light blue. Anthony Bourdain must have smelled like complete ass. God, he must have.

Eating all that curry. Yeah. He's kind of fucking hookers. I watched some Bourdain over the weekend, and it's like, man, he's so fucking good. He's good. He's cool. He's a cool guy. Cool as a cucumber. It is kind of fucked up that we live in a world, no offense to Guy Fieri, but where Bourdain kills himself, and Guy Fieri's just like everywhere. Thriving. It is a little fucked up. I always say Bourdain is Guy Fieri with depression. Yeah. Guy Fieri, it's not too late. Yeah. Kill yourself, will you? Kill yourself. Please, Guy Fieri. End it all. He looks like he hurt himself. Wow.

Looks like he ate Bert. If he eats one more boudin ball, he's going to croak anyway. He'd get fat. Damn. I was watching one though. He went from smash mouth to smash burger. Way to get it out. There we go. That's a good one. I was watching one boudin in Ukraine. They went through like three bottles of vodka in one. He's a cool dude. It was before the war. The war? You didn't hear?

a bourdain smashing vodka i thought you said fieri oh i think my fieri too oh yeah he's a he's an animal he's cool you couldn't have a jew on this tour because the the pepto would go through the roof i saw his gaza israel one it's pretty interesting it was good oh really good he's just like i don't know it seems hopeless this is then all the restaurants they had in that we all looked them up all all closed oh really a lot were on the border trying to make peace through food yeah did

Didn't work. They do have similar menus. They do have very similar menus. There was a long piece about who invented the falafel. Was it Palestine or was it Israel? And then he finally researches and goes, Syria. Oh.

Oh, man. Well, all these places, you just throw down borders where you throw them, so it's like they're eating the same shit. Right. Russia, Ukraine, you get the pierogies, you get the borscht. I feel like a lot of Russian restaurants just said, we're actually Ukrainian. Just to get money for business. A little political maneuver. Yeah. Yeah.

Where is it? Where is it? I went to one. It was really good. Really? And the East Village is a really good one. Get the Gaza strip steak. Israeli food, for sure. Shut the fuck up, influencer voice. Definitely.

I think that might be it. No, that's it. Gary's going to make me do this on the road. That place is the bomb. Nice.

All right, I'm on two hours of sleep. I'm going to kill my time. I wish you came earlier. I know. It's good to see you. Come back again. Please. In March or April. Do a full afternoon. He did like a tag team. He left, you showed up. He was great. He was like, sweet, I'm out. Yeah, yeah. We kind of ran him ragged. We got all the stories out of him. You got him a cab to the airport, right? Okay, good, good. Hey, we love you guys. We'll see you on the road. Drink Bodega Cat, bodegacatwhiskey.com. New bottle. Hell yeah. We'll see you guys soon. New me. Comedy. Sunday's a day, man.

And Norman's talking shit about up on the roof like feeling dangerous. I'm out to lunch here in New Norman, does it