Ep 220: Dan Soder
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All right, let's go. Wow, that's a rare Norman miss. Are we rolling? Joined by Dan Soder here, talking tour bussing. Hey, hey. What are you going to be doing? I'm going to be doing it pretty hard. But yeah, you can't sleep. I couldn't sleep when I was with you and Jay and Bert, because Bert would just talk till like 4 a.m. and I'd be like wired. Yeah. It's like a sleepover. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Are you up?

Yeah. But comics need a little recharge downtime. That bus, you wake up and they're like, how you feel today, big guy? The best as I was. I think I finally, I would like sleep in patches on the bus. I was telling Sam, I'm not a good sleeper on tour buses. And then one time, the whole curtain just opened and Peter, blue rules, Bert's assistant was like, hey, they're doing morning radio and they want you to come up. And I was like, no. And then just five minutes later, Pete comes back and he goes,

They're really asking for you. Yeah. All right. But then it ended up being fun because you get up. Here's the thing about it. Here's the thing about going on the road with Bert is when you get up, it is partying. I know. So it feels a little like college where you're like, yeah, I'll get fucked up. Yeah. He was like, bring a joint with you. You could smoke in the studio. And I was like, I never get this opportunity by myself. And it's shit you would never do on your own. Yeah. If you were in a hotel in Poughkeepsie, you'd be like, fuck that.

But with Bert, you're like, I'll get on a fishing boat and catch a fucking squid. Yeah, we went to the Ozarks when we were in Missouri, and I was like, this actually is very fun. Yeah. What did you do in the Ozarks? We just swam. We just went to the water and swam, and it was great. We got that great shot of us with the little shark we caught. And I'm fucking squeezing the shit out of it, because the guy was like, squeeze it. And then everyone was like, so you're squeezing it too hard. I was like, hey!

I don't have the manliness of me to know how to squeeze something. No. I didn't grow up with a dad, so I just go like, it's either too much or too little. Right. And then Big J's out there in jean shorts and like a Phillies jersey. Well, I told him, I was like, you shouldn't wear your shoes. He was going to wear his good shoes, and I was like, we're getting on a boat. And then the second the water started coming over, he's like, thank God. And you're like, yeah.

That happened to me. Chrissy and Nimesh did a gig in Chicago, and this guy from OnlyFans was like, come on my boat. And we're like, all right. So we just go on a boat, and we all stupidly were like, we should take the boat to the casino. Oh, that sounds great. It's in Hammond, Indiana. He's like, I could get you there on the boat. And we're like, that's a great idea. He starts going. We're in our show outfit, and it's just...

Just getting soaked. Wait, you went in your show outfit? He's like, I'll take you to the venue. Wow. By boat? Yeah, by boat. We thought, this is going to be badass. And then we're soaked. And I'm like, this is the one night I'm going to wear a suede jacket. God damn it. And we pull over, pull over. So he had to dock us, and we had to take a cab. Just soaked. Squishy shoes?

Yeah, they were squishy. It sounds like a joke. A Jew, an Indian, and an Italian. Yeah. Tugboat. Sounded like he was trying to get rid of them. He goes, I can get rid of three of them right now. That's true. There won't be a problem. Remember the kid who lived in a houseboat? There was always a guy who lived in a houseboat when I was a kid. Not in New York City. Yeah, I guess so. And I grew up landlocked in Colorado. Unless he lived on the Cherry Creek Reservoir. This is a real Bayou Up. Yeah.

Because you guys remember how everyone got a fan boat when they were 15? And you're like, nope. Remember chasing gators on the water? You remember when a gator would crawl in in the early morning and you'd have gator and eggs? And you're like, never heard of it. Go out and get the P-Rod, get some crawdads. He lived on a... There was always a guy who lived in a boat as a kid. Now, I'll tell you...

the high plains white trash version of that. Which is a 16-year-old that gets his own apartment because he's not living with his parents. Right. That feels like the... That is also awesome. Dude, it is awesome. That's the best. You could go over there and just smoke cigarettes. That's what I always wanted. Once he hits 22, it's pretty sad, but at 16, you're like, this kid's a fucking... Oh, yeah. 16, though, it is... It means something really bad happened. If you're living by yourself at 16 or 17...

Nothing great happened. That's a good point. They weren't like, you know what? You want a house? Yeah. You got all A's. You're going to live by yourself. No, it's dad's in jail. Yeah. We feel bad. Mom's boyfriend gets a little handsy. Yeah. I got to go live in whatever apartment complex was close by, like the Cherry Knoll or something. Right. That's the Colorado names were always named after creek beds or something. And it was a bunch of old people and your friend. Oh, it's great. That's it.

It was great. But a houseboat is wild. Houseboat was big. I mean, it was free. You could just get up and fish and go out, and you would go to school in the houseboat. It was great. What, do you just dock it? Yeah. At school? Dock it, put the book bag on. A houseboat is cool if you're Tony Soprano and it's like your second thing.

It's not great if it's your primary residence. Unless you're a disgraced detective that's really good at fucking. There we go. Oh, rec, John McDonald books, dude. Oh, yeah. Fucking Florida noir. Oh, there you go. You love your noirs. I love my dude. But the detective who solves the cases on the boat is kind of badass. Yeah. Because you're just, you know, you're down in the dumps a little bit. It's the romantic thing of a physical manifestation of you being down.

It's like living on a boat, you want the lethal weapon guitar lick playing. Yes. Pull that up. Pull that up. You just got dumped. Yeah. No, no, no. Your wife has to die. Yes. There can't be like a bitch walking around telling lies about you. Yeah. No, here we go. Who creates that? Does that guy get a paycheck every time that lick hits?

Oh, I don't know. But that's how Hollywood like this is my problem with celebrities doing commercials is you're robbing a whole group of people that used to make their living by

Oh. Yeah, this is it. Oh, this is the kid waking up. Why'd you have to blow up my wife? But for our gay asses, it's like this. It's like, that new one didn't work last night. I thought that crowd work riff was going to be a lot funnier. That fat chick in the condo. That waitress said she didn't have a husband. But she did. I think Joe DeRosa jacked off in this condo bed last night. Oh.

How does Piff the Magic Dragon sell so much merch? Is Fluffy fat? Or is he actually fluffy? He's not fluffy anymore if he's skinny. Where did Matt Rife buy that head piece? Man, you see his promo with Billy Idol? It's pretty fun. No, Billy Idol. It's kind of cool. Pull it up!

Yeah, dude. I mean, when you get that famous, I think calling in favor is like us getting someone that famous for a promo is a huge deal. Yeah. Yeah. I think this is better for Billy Idol's career. That's true. Whoa. White mocha. Cheers. Yeah. It's a nice day for a white mocha. Oh, shit. Kind of fun. It's fun. Shot beautifully. Yeah. All right. We got it, though. That's a gist of it. Nice cheese stash.

I'm telling you, Steve. All right, we don't have to watch the whole thing. All right. Good. We were on a good momentum thing with that. I really derailed us there. Well, you made a whole movie.

Geez, I know. Yeah, this uncut, there's like three hours. It's like a 824 commercial. Yeah. Like the brutalist. We made fun of it on the bonfire years ago, but there used to be a thing called Billy Idol wanted you to stop idling in New York City. Do you remember that? No. It was like, I'm Billy Idol. Stop idling your car. And you're like, what the fuck? So this is way better.

I'm happy to see he's working his way up. I miss those New York taxicab things, and this might be before you guys came to New York, but they used to do a thing where they'd be like, this is Paul O'Neill from the New York Yankees. Buckle up for safety. Great. This is Dr. Ruth. It would just be any celebrity. You know what my favorite one was? At DIA, when you get on the train, and it goes like...

It's like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. It'd be like, this is Peyton Manning. Oh, yeah. Welcome to Denver. The one that always made me laugh was Andrew Luck in Indianapolis, the former Colts quarterback, because he has my voice. So he'd be like, hey, this is Andrew Luck. Thanks for coming to Indianapolis. And I'd be like, that's me. That's fun. Is it a win or a lose when it's like...

like billy idol don't idle yeah is that a win like hey my song got picked it all worked out are you like i'm that guy now i because sting had a deodorant commercial and said don't stand don't stand so and i'm sure he made a shit ton of money but i'm like now you're the deodorant guy yeah but then he shows you his houseboat right where he goes that was the billy uh that was the billy idol don't idol right right no the commercial so i don't know it was like really quick but it uh

Yeah, dude, that's... When you get asked to do a commercial like that, the money better be... Oh, yeah. He got paid every day from Diddy from doing I'll Be Missing You. Oh, Sting did? So he hurts from Diddy going to prison, I guess. Good point. Diddy going bankrupt is bad for him. He's a character witness. Please! He always seemed nice to me. He's like, I taught him tantric sex, so he didn't bust in any of those kids. So is it sex? Yeah.

It's got to be crazy surreal. As an aging musician, when you call up customer service and you hear your song on the whole. Yeah. And you're like, oh, man, White Wedding. You know what made me feel old as fuck? Flying into Seattle, they played Soundgarden at the baggage claim. Oh.

And you're like, we're cooked. Bummer. If you're an elder millennial or Gen X, we're fucking, we're old. Right. Spoon band. Yeah. It was like, I forget what's, I think it was. That band kicks ass. I mean, they're the best. It was really funny to be like waiting for my bag. And it was like, my wave, my wave, my wave. And you're like, oh no. Yeah. Because party is like, here we, ah, shit, I'm old. Yeah.

Damn. Once elevator music is the shit you grew up with. Yeah. That's what we're at. It's like a really swanky hotel maybe and they're just trying to be hip. But then even then. Yeah. But it does hurt. You know who had a houseboat? Pull this up. Kelsey Grammer. Really? Yeah. Yo, this is just a theory. Well, it's not a theory. His ex-wife was on The Real Housewives or whatever. Yeah. And she's like crazy hot.

Back in the day, she was like an MTV spring break girl, which makes me think Frasier was getting some crazy pussy. Oh, yeah. It's Kelsey Grammer. He's like, hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling. Why don't you come suck me off? He's like, I'll toss you a salad. And have some scrambled eggs. He'd eat my ass, and then he'd make me watch him eat eggs. Niles would come in and double team. Yeah. He goes, Niles, friend, what if we have a little menage a trois? Apparently, he's a raging alcoholic.

Really? Oh, yeah. Really tragic childhood. Mm-hmm. Isn't that weird when you were like, oh, I never expected Frasier Crane to have... Look at this resume of Poon. Yeah. He was on drugs those whole first few seasons, so if you rewatch them, it's insane how good he is. Because he's literally sticking the landing on these crazy act-outs, and he's high out of his fucking mind. That's like when you find out Stephen King wrote a whole book and he doesn't remember it. Yeah.

Because he was all fucked up. Babe Ruth just eating sausages and, you know. Right. That breakfast? Smoking, yeah. What was that Babe Ruth breakfast? It was like steak and eggs and sausage. Whiskey. Yeah, everything. And then he was just taking them deep. They say it was half black. Did you hear that? Yeah.

Well, maybe he knew. Maybe he knew that. He's like, white guys ain't going to pitch to me like this. Let me get drunk and get the meat sweats. Yeah. Was he before? He was before Jackie. Oh, yeah. No, he was playing just against white guys. Oh, well, there you go. That's why a lot of the baseball people would be like, eh. Is he? Right. No real competition. That was a great line that Colin had in train wreck. Yes. In Schumer's room where he's like, a 12-year-old Dominican would have fucking...

Babe Ruth Yard. Right. And you're like, yeah, you're right. Baseball was everything back then. Dude, that team was fucking Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig back to back. Woo!

Also what sucks is Lou Gehrig got a horrible disease in the time when science was like bad. Science was just bad and they're like, well, Lou, we're going to name it after you. And he's like, it's horrible. Yeah, it's not a sandwich in a deli. He was like droppy. There's a really sad part of his book where he's just like droppy can't.

He's dropping stuff and young Joe DiMaggio is just next to him and he's just like, that's his hero. And they both just like cried. Jeez, fucking dark moment. It's like when you meet Jackie Mason, you're like, ah, you're a dick. You're like bumming me out. That's your daughter.

Do you do a Jackie Mason? I assume you do. No. I do a Rodney Dangerfield. Hey! You make your choices in life. Are you a Dangerfield or are you a Mason? Yeah. Good question. Can you do Buddy Hackett? No. No.

Dangerfield, I just grew up watching, so that's how I learned how to do it. He was the best. I was obsessed with him. Everything from the movie where he's the dog. Oh, yeah. Rover Dangerfield to Ladybugs. But then when my dad let me watch the actual...

The Caddyshack. Back to school. Back to school was huge. Like, when I got to watch Back to School with my dad, and I popped because the bad guys, Billy Zabka, the bad guy from Karate Kid. Yeah. So, by, like, I was so young that I was like, that's Johnny from Karate Kid. Right. And I just loved it.

Yeah. Dean Martin. That always made me laugh. Great actor, Ned Beatty. Great actor, Ned Beatty. Literally had to play the dude in Deliverance that God. Yeah, Annalie Rae. I want to know what the- He didn't play that role. Yeah, I want to know what the story is with Kinison getting the role as the professor back to school. Because that was back in the day when a comic was getting famous. Another, like, what Eddie Murphy did with Chris Rock in Beverly Hills Cop 2, Rodney kind of did with Kinison in-

in Back to School. Definitely. I'm sure. Because it was right after the Young Comedian special, so he probably was like, get up here. And I love it because they do that thing about Vietnam. He's like, oh, that's right. Tell them what you did. Say it again. Yeah, this scene is like... You know a lot of people think history is just facts. It's just information about the past, but not me. I mean, I hold history very sacred. Sacred?

The way the farmer looks at the earth and he holds it sacred. The way a Christian takes the Bible and he holds it sacred. The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred. Rodney's listening face is funny. Why don't we dive right in by interpreting one of the easiest events in the last 20 years of American history. One of the easiest. Tell me why in 1975 we pulled our troops out of Vietnam.

The failure of Vietnamization to impart their support caused an ongoing erosion of confidence in the various American but illegal Saigon regimes. Is she right? It's so funny. You could like see him getting mad. Yeah, he's good. I know a lot of people like to believe that. I wish I could, but I was there. I wasn't here in a classroom hoping I was right, thinking about it. I was up to my knees in rice paddies with guns and in words, slugging it out with him.

Oh, come on.

Tim Dillon. Yeah. Tim Dillon 100% would have gotten the Kinsman role. Great call. Because Tim is so funny, he could have bent it into like a fucked up thing. A rant. Where you go, it's funny. Yeah, yeah. No matter what he's saying, it's funny. That's a great call. That being said, please don't remake this movie. No. Don't. Stop. No, do it with Matt Rife. Stop. He's like, we're all going to get laid, and I mean it. Because all I've been doing is getting laid.

Oh, poor Ned Beatty. Oh, Ned Beatty just getting fucked. Every bar he went into after that, some guy got behind him and went, hey, what's up, Ned Beatty? That's a rough audition, too. Just one dude after another. Squeer like a pig. Oh, and that, I bet

I wonder how many fistfights Ned Beatty got into. Yes. Because some drunk idiot told him to squeal like a pig. Right. He's like, hey, I'm with my family. We're at a nice dinner. Hey, it was a movie. Yeah. Because people don't know how to separate. No, it's I'm Rick James, bitch. Yeah. You know, at Disneyland. Man, that was the biggest bummer.

I got to see Chappelle when he came back from Africa in 2004. Wow. At the AVA Amphitheater in Tucson. And I spent like, I had no money. And I spent like $90. That's a little full of money. That's a lot of dough in 2004. I spent $90 to my friend Tank. Shout out, Tank. He ran the people for the AVA Amphitheater. And he's like, I can get you a really good seat.

Chappelle's my guy. So I was like, he's back from Africa. I fucking can't wait. I was so excited for the new bits. I fucking smoked a joint. I walked in. I sat down and he started great bit about white guys on meth fighting a group of black guys. A bit he's never done on a special. Very, very funny. He's like, you should never fight.

white guy that's shirtless and jean shorts with grease all over his chest. Something's happening with him. And he does a whole thing about how they beat him up and it doesn't work. And I was like, on cloud nine. And then it just started. People going like, crack! I'm Rick James, bitch! I'm Rick James! And then people were going, this was the worst. He'd be setting up a bit and they'd just go, yeah! And he'd be like, alright. And you saw him go like,

Okay. All right. Like, all right. It just sucked. I was so mad. I was doing the white guy thing where you look behind you like at a movie when black people are talking. Yeah.

I'm not going to say anything, but I'll look. But I'm mad. Just know I'm getting huffy. I will write a negative review of this, even though it's not the theater show. We know it's not the theater's fault. And he had a great line, though, at one point. He was doing a joke, and this lady was like, Dave for president! He goes, president? I can't even do three seasons on cable. He goes, you will get to the second year of my administration, and they'd be like, the

The president has left simply with a note on his desk that said, fuck it. You're like, great. And I saw him riff that. So for me, it was like, I had my first joke book on me. He signed my first joke book. How did you meet him? You just waited? People were yelling for him after the show. And then I just went and was like, will you sign this? Will you sign this? Then he signed it and he kept my pen. And I was like, can I get my pen back? Ha, ha, ha.

But yeah, I have that joke book somewhere. It's funny. I saw Carlin. I saw Seinfeld. That's crazy. And I remember everything. You remember everything. Everything. You're just like, they're in front of me. Holy shit. I remember. David Tell playbill from Carlin. There you go. Yeah. I still have it. It's crazy. And then you just know him now, and you're like, I don't know Chappelle, but knowing Colin Quinn. You are, right? No.

Oh, I bet he does. Now, I've been introduced to him at least four times. And you're like- I do remember one night at the cellar. It was like years and years ago. I was blacked out drunk. Yeah, it was probably like eight or ten years ago or something. And Dan's sitting talking to him at the cellar. And then you went on stage and I sat down right after you. And he just looked up at me and goes, it was great talking to you.

He thought I was you. Oh, really? Yeah. That's crazy. I've talked to him since then, and he's been really cool. Oh, yeah. He doesn't every time. Michelle Wolf's introduced me, other people. I just am like, I don't want to push it. I feel that way about a lot of celebrities that I like. If I really enjoy somebody's stuff, I'm not pushing to meet them. You don't push it. No, never push. Josh Homme from Queens of the Stone Age is my favorite musician of all time.

he's kind of been around like Bill Burr opens for him sometimes. I'll never push that. No, and it'll happen eventually. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't. I think there's nothing wrong with this idea that you have to be friends with every person you like. You can just be a fan. That's true. And being a fan sometimes is very valuable. It's better. Yeah, because you're just like, oh, you know. I'm glad I never met Ned Beatty because I would have tried to rape him. I think it would have sucked. Sam would have gone, I hate to say this, but it's great like it is.

Could you squirt like a pig? He goes, God damn it. I ruined it with Eddie Vedder. What? Yeah, I went to, you know, I'm not a huge Pearl Jam fan, but we did Bonnaroo in 2015. Mm-hmm. And it didn't go well for me because I brought a girlfriend and...

And didn't really go the best. I remember that. Didn't have the greatest time. So Ari Shafir was like. Was it that bad or was it just the girlfriend? The sets were bad. It was just. It was. It was clingy. Don't go with your friends. Come with me. It was. We never saw him. Yeah. It was one of those things where. And Ari being the secret mensch that he is. Because he'll never be loud about this. Yeah. And then she was never heard of again. Only some teeth were found in a lake. But.

But he was like, dude, let's go back 2016. He was like, you know, obviously you can't get booked. But he worked a deal out with Rocky, who would book comedy. And he's like, we're going to do a secret show, two in the morning. And it'll be me, you, Sean Patton, and Jack Knight. That was like the show. Nice. And I was like, great. And he's like, I got an RV. We can stay there. And we've got wristbands and food tickets. We just didn't get paid. But it was awesome.

So I went that year. It was like Judd Apatow, Pete Davidson, Nate Bargetzi, a couple other people were at the comedy tent. So people we knew. Yeah. Specifically Pete and Nate. And like I'm hanging out with Nate and then Eddie Vedder, Pearl Jam was headlining, Eddie Vedder's friends with Judd Apatow. So he came to the comedy tent. Whoa.

And we were just sitting outside talking, and I was having a great conversation with him. We were just talking about weather and humidity and Hawaii versus Chicago. Wow. That's a great conversation. We were talking about the weather. It was. But I'm going to tell you right now, we were locked in. We were having a good convo. And I know he knows that.

But he's sick of talking about Pearl Jam. That's exactly it. And watching everyone suck his dick around him. Right. You're so amazing. You changed my life. And I was like, fuck this Tennessee heat. And he's like, brother, you're telling me. And then we went into it and he was smoking a cigarette and I was like smoking a joint. We're just like having a fucking hang. Yeah. And then they were like, Eddie, they're going to take you. And I went, hey, man, do you mind if I get a picture? And it ruined it. It's like you could just see his face be like.

Damn. You went from like a peer to a fan. Yeah. And that's why I was like, I don't think if I would have done that again,

I wouldn't have taken a picture. Is that it? Yeah. Oh, shit. Well, you got it. It wasn't worth it. It wasn't worth it. Really? But you have that forever. Look how fucking high I am. Oh, man, you look high. I am ripped. You're like the ShamWow guy. Yeah, and I just lost a bunch of weight, so I was wearing these tight t-shirts. I was like, oh, I can finally wear tight t-shirts. It's disgusting that that's nine years ago. I know. That's wild. Yikes. And then when I did it, here's why I also felt bad. Get it out. Sorry. Yeah, dude, I felt it rumble in my hand. Oh.

What sucks is...

Everyone else started asking for pictures after I did it. It ruined it even more. There was like five other people that wanted a picture. You were the Katrina floodgate. You were the levee. The levee's broke. What was that Louis story? You had that funny Louis. Back in the day? Yeah. I am just now on good ground with Louis. And I have not told him this story, but it was an infamous one in our group of friends. Oh, yeah. I remember it. So remember Comedy Village?

The old Boston? Boston on 3rd Street? A little bit. It was on 3rd Street. It wasn't CB's? No. No, CB's was McDougal's. So it was like that way. It was on West 3rd. It was next to Il Molino. Yeah. The firehouse. Yeah. It then became like Zinc Bar? Yes. I know. Yeah. And so it was the comedy village in the West Village.

The old Boston. It was the old Boston comedy club. Yeah. And I used to bark, um, Monday nights. There was like a show there that this lady, Daniella put on and I would bark and list would host. Hey, all right. And this was like when we first started hanging out, it's 2007, 2008. And, uh, we drink a lot. Oh yeah. Uh,

Christy, the waitress, would feed us shots that we couldn't afford. You'd do a double shot of Jameson. Then my barking got real good. You're out there like, what are you doing? You want to talk? The legend of the drunken barker. I found out

When I was barking, I found out it was like a cheat code. I could sit in the front of the place and smoke cigarettes and just hang out with all the comics. Like when it was warm out, everyone would just hang out front. And I could just like chill and hang out. Was it Voss and Keith and Norton? But it was Monday nights. So it was like Norton would come around. He'd be like...

But it was like me, List, Ira Proctor, Dan Bolger. Wow. You would come around sometimes. A little bit, yeah. But once in a while. And then it was like Matt Ruby and a bunch of people would be there just kind of hanging out. And List was opening for DePaulo. And List was like, I got to go around to the cellar. DePaulo's there. I got to get my check from last weekend. And I was like, great. And he comes back. He was hosting. So he ran back out of breath. And he's like...

Louie's there. He's like, Louie's there. And Louie was working on Chewed Up. Oh! So it was like he was building Chewed Up. And he's like, Louie's doing sets. Go tell him we got a show working. There was like maybe eight people. Yeah. And he's like, go tell him we got a show working. And I was like, oh, okay. Way out of my... I see. He's like, I'm going to tell him at the well. I was like... And he's like, you better go, boy. Go get him. And...

I went over there and Shaq, RIP Shaq, the bouncer from the cellar, Big J introduced me to him. So he was the only person I knew really on the staff at that point. Giant. Yeah, dude. The best. Shaq was the best. And I was like, Shaq, can I go watch Louie's set? Is he on right now? And Shaq was like, yeah, he's on stage. I'll let you in. So he walked me downstairs. I watched the back half of Louie's set from the hallway. Yeah.

He got off, and I was drunk. I was like, I was pretty drunk. Oh, yeah. We'd been drinking shots. It's just a bad combo of drunk. Excited. Nervous. Yeah. And your idol is like one of the comedy gods gets off stage. Oh, yeah. And I was like, he got off stage, and I was like, great set, Louie. And he's like, thanks, man. And I was like, the village is working. And he goes, what? And I go, the village is working. And he goes, I don't know.

I don't know. And I go, the bill is just working. Well, like three times, I think. Yeah. He like looks at me in like a very Louie way of like, and I go, I don't know what I'm talking about. And he goes, either do I. And then he just turned around and walked up the steps and that was it. And dude, I came back. This is something that's burned in my brain. This is something, because Joe is so animated like stuff. And I'm walking down West 3rd and I'm coming to the thing and he's going like this. He's going...

He does that. You know that list? Yeah. He goes, what do you say? Woo! He goes, is Louie coming? Yeah. Is Louie coming? And I go, I told him the village is working. And he goes, what? And I go, I told him the village is working. And this thing's about it. And he goes, we're in the village. And I go, I know.

I just tried to sound cool. It doesn't make any sense. And that was it. And then anytime Lou would come around, I mean, I quit drinking, but anytime Lou would come around, I'd be like, ah, fuck. Yeah, well, we've all had the, you know, my famous one with Louie where I'm opening for him. We're having a good time hanging out in his hotel room. I'm sitting on his bed. He's at the desk. Liz is in a chair. I think Wolf was there, somebody else. And I thought it'd be funny to rip a huge fart. And he flipped. He's like, what the fuck was that? I was like,

You're Louie. You're like the fart jerk-off guy. Like, what do you care? And he's like, you're on my bed. We've been through this, too, where, like, on The Daily Show, there's a clip of him being like, let's go find farts for me. You're an asshole. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Mark literally got this...

I'm sorry, what? Do you want to tell us what you did last Wednesday? No, what did I do? You did this show with Louie. Oh, I did a show with Louie. Yeah, I've like done it because of List. I've done a couple shows with Louie. Have not brought up The Village is Working. I'm surprised List hasn't brought up The Village is Working. I think he would find it funny at this point. Yeah. I think he would go like,

Oh, well, you're retarded. Yeah. I was being stupid. I was being like... I was just so excited. Yeah. Of course. And you don't know what to say. Yeah. It's almost like you're hitting on a beautiful woman. That's what it is. Where you're like...

I want to make you feel good. Right, it's like the Eddie Vedder. You talked about the weather. You didn't go, you're so pretty. Let me take you out. You were like, hey, it's cold out. But then you got the number at the end. I did. I almost just jerk off before you talk to Louie. Yeah. Empty the tank. I don't care anymore. Oh.

You go, oh, you're here? Yeah. Sorry, I want to talk to Dan Natterman. Get out of my way. You're nothing to me now. Jerk it off before you meet Louie's, ironic. Yeah, that was like one of those things where we were coming up where I was like, fuck.

fuck we've all had them yeah yeah have you had one yeah I've had a few well yeah I had one with Lou I'd rather not mention okay okay but I have I remember I was on Conan once and Luke Wilson just I was just hammered afterwards I was like did you get excited yeah you know I had a few I had a couple whiskeys before I went on and I'm in the green room and Luke Wilson you know came back super nice guy he's like

I'm going to keep my eye on you. Never saw him again, of course, but in the moment, you're like, oh, cool. Yeah. And I was drunk, so I was like, fucking Royal Tenenbaums in Rushmore Hall of Fame. No, I think I said Royal Tenenbaums in old school. You're in the Hall of Fame for those two, and he was like, okay. Yeah. It just works.

Okay is never good. Meeting someone and them going, okay. Yeah. But they do forget. When I first met Seinfeld at the Creek, I went to go see Colin Quinn's One Man when he was running it back in the day. Unconstitutional. Yes. And Seinfeld's front row, because he was directing it or producing it, something. And I went up to him and I went, I was such a retard, drunk, you know, 22-year-old. And I was like, you know, I'm the master of my domain. And he just went,

Yeah. He gave you his back. He gave me the back. I'm sure he's heard that nine million times. It's Ned Beatty, ass rape quality. Oh, the master of my domain. Yeah, you're right. You are hitting that one way too late. I might as well have gone up and gone...

He's like, what is that? What are you doing? What's the deal? Why are you quoting an old episode? Stop. What did I think was going to happen? He'd go, oh, shit. No one does that. We should hang out. We should hang. It's funny to watch our friends start to get that now. Like Shane gets people being like, he's making them at night. Oh, yeah. And Shane's like, ah.

But every time I see that, I don't ever judge those people because I just think of me going, the village is working. Yeah. So like anytime I see someone Shane going, I'm a dog, Shane. Right. I'm making them at night. And he's like, all right. I'm like, I get it, buddy. 20 years, you're going to regret that. Yeah. What can you say? Because you want to show you know them, but you don't want

I don't know. You got one opportunity. What do you say? Yeah, that's got to suck. It's tough. You want to kill it. Because you got to be like okay about it. Right. Yeah, no, it's a fan. You have to be nice to someone who is supporting your stuff. The coolest one I ever got was...

was a billions fan it was after the end of like season three where i turn on bobby axelrod i like leave the company or whatever and i was walking to sirius xm and this old black dude goes can't believe you did that man and i had my earbuds in and i went what's up and he goes

Why did you do that? And I went, why did I do what? He goes, you turned your back on my man Axe. And I was like, oh, yeah. No, I don't know. I'm sorry. An old black guy giving you props. Yeah. Thanks, mister. Right. This is why I'll never play a slave owner in a movie. People still, they think you're that guy. Yeah. That's why Brad Pitt wisely cast himself as the guy who freed the slave. By the way, he didn't wisely cast that. He was the producer. Yeah, yeah. And he gave himself. That's the move, though.

He was like, hey, could you put me in the movie as the guy that only makes women cum? I just don't want to be anything else. By the way, that's all of his movies anyway. That's true. But no, I love that he's just like, he's got one scene and he's like, I'm going to free you. I'm Canadian. Yeah. So I've got none of this blood on my hands. Because he does. He comes in in 12 Years a Slave and he's like, I've got blood on, dude. I mean, DiCaprio's got a couple of big N-bombs out there in Django. Well, I was actually just reading about how

he was uncomfortable with the script of Django and Samuel L. Jackson was like, no, say it. He does that to people. Yeah, he wants you to say it. Say it! To make you uncomfortable. Yeah. Dude, I was just watching, have you ever seen this movie Deep Cover with Laurence Fishburne? Yeah, absolutely. There's an opening scene where, you know, it's all these like black guys auditioning to be this undercover agent and...

there's this white guy interviewing them and he goes, what's the difference between an N-word and a black person? And he keeps asking them and one guy punches him, another guy like freaks out. And here it is.

I was watching. I'm like, hopefully there's more to this guy's role. Yeah. Dude, that's crazy. He went in and had to read that? Yeah. He goes, can we not do that scene? Can we do the other scene? And they go, do the scene. They're like, there was some background noise. We need you to say it again. He's like, fuck. These cameras are recording? Yeah. Oh, plane went by. Dude.

Room tone. There's a callback in the end to it where Fishburne gets him, basically. He gets him in the end, but it's like... That's the difference. Yeah. Well, who would rather play this or Ned Beatty's role? Oh, great question. Damn, that is tough. That role. Because you're not getting raped. Yeah. It's a fake rape. I don't care, though. Like we were saying, people believe it's real. Yeah, true. Guys would just walk up to you and be like, do they have to sew your asshole back together? And you're like...

And I feel like black people give Leo props. Like, Lloyd Wood even has that bit. That's a great bit. About him being like, we need guys like you to tell the story, basically. Well, that's why Louis' bit of goodbye, Jews. That is like, I never even thought about the audition process till that bit. Yeah. Goodbye, Jews. Yeah. Juilliard. Yeah. It is so funny because, like, actors are very liberal and very, like, you know.

I don't want to hurt. Is this a safe space? And then they have to say wild ass shit like that. I know, that's true. Okay, here we go. Get down there, you damn. I know, that's why I'm so glad. I think we're all safe here. We've never done a photo of us in blackface. I know. Because like every time a Kimmel thing or a Sarah Silverman thing or a Jimmy Fallon thing, it always bubbles right back up. And you're like, God damn it. It's going to live forever. Well, you know.

Yeah, and it really is a picture that says a thousand words. Yeah. And it's all the N-word. That's the difference right there. That's the picture. Yeah, and that's got to suck. And I don't think Jimmy Kimmel's a racist. I don't think Sarah Silverman's a racist or Fallon, but that photo just lives. Yeah, at what point do you go like, because you can't really get mad at it because you did it. Right. Kimmel's was the Carl Malone. Yeah. Yeah.

Why do they call it diabetes? Karl Malone thinks they need to call it liver-betes. That sounds a lot better than diabetes. Look out, world. I got liver-betes. But then some people get more mad at Kimmel for this than they are at Karl Malone for fucking a 12-year-old. That's true. That 12-year-old produced an NFL caliber tackle.

Wait, who's this 12-year-old? His kid ended up going for it. Whoa! His kid played in the NFL. Karl Malone's illegitimate son played in the NFL. And then once he made it to the NFL, Karl Malone was like, yeah, he's mine. Whoa. Yeah. Damn, that's the best case scenario, I guess. Oh, that's actually his real son. I'm talking about, look up his...

The one from the grape. From the statutory grape. I'm talking TikTok now. Yeah. I'm going to unalive myself. I had sex. Typing Carmelone Rape Baby. I don't know. That's probably the way. Sorry, Grape Baby. That sounds racist. CarmeloneRapeBaby.com. There's a website for it. RapeBaby.com.

Oh, that's him. All right. No, Carl Malone Jr. Okay. His name isn't Carl Malone Jr. Yeah, they don't usually take the name. Yeah, they don't. It's not his name. His name is Rape Baby Malone? It was. Yeah, there it is. At age 20, Carl Malone had a child with a 13-year-old. 13! Which means he fucked her when she was 12. And you should look it up. The guy's name. I'm mad. I'm such a pothead. I usually know the guy's name, but he played it. It's what?

Yes. Damn, good name. Yeah. Demetrius Bell. That's exactly who it was. Played in the NFL.

and played in the NFL a while, like had a career. Wow. And once he was finally in the NFL, Carl Malone was like, is he in the NFL? Yeah, he's my baby. But it's wild. So the mom's like, what, 28 now? Yeah, she's still out there. Yeah. She's younger than him somehow. Right. Demetrius Bell. Yeah, dude, isn't that wild? Yeah. Damn. Man, sports are cool, man. But you're also like, if you're a rape baby, how mad are you that the rapist isn't in –

professional athlete caliber DNA. That's true. You're like, ah, my mom got raped by a fat little slug at the bar and now I'm, you know. Is that how they do it at the clinic? Well, he's an athlete. I think you should keep it. Keep it. Yeah. What's the rapist's 40 pound? Ha ha ha.

You go 4-4 and you go, ah. Right, right. Might want to keep it. A boyhood episode of Law & Order SVU. Just over time. It sounds like a perfect Republican argument. Like, hey, hey, you might be in the NFL one day. Don't abort him. One out of 500,000. Yeah. It's always, he might cure cancer. That's always the go-to. Yeah. But that was, when you find that out, you're like, that sucks. Yeah. You ever paid for an abortion?

No. Oh, you got them for free, yeah? Yeah. I do them myself. There's wire hangers for a reason. Yeah, dude. It's hard to get them off the thing, but you know. It is crazy. I used a wire hanger recently to something fell down our sink, and it was like right where the pipe was.

Curves. Curves. Yeah. It was there. It was like a long, and I was like, oh, I can get it. And we had, from the dry cleaners, we had it. And as I was undoing it, I was like, crazy that people used to do abortions with these things. Insane. I think about that all the time. It's just like. Wow. Just damn.

Not when you hold your son. I can't believe a coat hanger could have got rid of you. I saved $350. Have you paid for one? Yeah, twice. The first one didn't take. That's a morning after pill. Oh, there you go. A morning after pill or plan B is like, if you haven't paid for those, what are you doing? Yeah, that's a must. It's crazy that you can just get that like that, but Ritalin, you need a prescription.

Oh, yeah. Good point. What, you can just get a thing that'll destroy a baby? Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah. It's just like you have to go to the pharmacist, but they just give it to you. It is a mulligan. Yeah. Can I get a mulligan? I think I came in a lady. It's a wash. You just do it like as a precautionary thing. You go, you take one, I'll take one. I won't do anything to me, but hey. She tried to split it with me. I was like, no, it's probably my fault. I'll pay for it. Yeah. I have bought plant B pills.

Yeah. I remember that was like when I had no money.

And she was like, I think. And you're like, yeah, we'll take a walk to CVS. And then you're like, 50 bucks? You know what I mean? And they're like, holy shit. She tries to throw an orbit, too. You're like, nah, just the pill. No, I want a Sobe. You don't get the white Sobe with the abortion pill. What do you think would happen if you gave a morning after pill to an infant? I don't know. Just let him eat it. He gets twice as strong. Oh, no, he's growing. Yeah. Wow.

They should also make them in like a dispenser. If you buy like 10 of them, you should get like a cool- Yeah, like Pez. In the baby's head. Or like a punch card. Yeah. They go 10 pay and bees, you get a free abortion. Well, remember how in Wayne's World he had the licorice thing on the roof? Oh, yeah. Come on with morning after pill. God, that was awesome. Pull it up. You could technically stock up on those. Yeah, why not? I wonder what the expiration date is on that. I also think those things are probably going to be off the shelf soon. Really? Yeah. With Trump? Not in New York. I mean, dude, you don't know. Yeah.

You have no idea. They can restrict. I feel like I can make my own. Get the rain in there. You just have rubber gloves on and goggles. Yeah. You just hand her a bottle of whiskey. Yeah. You go drink that, but you got to drink it all at once. Bodega cat. Plan B. Liquid Plan B. By the way, Plan B is the name of Brad Pitt's production company. Which is wild. Yeah. It's Plan B. Which is wild. Why would you do that? If it dies, then he has no one to blame. Good point.

That's the name of the drug. Is RU-486. I bet it took 486. RU-486 in a baby? Whoa! It should be called RU-187. Oh, there we go. It is funny thinking about calling an abortion 86ing a baby. Yeah. Hey, guys, we're 86ed on infant. Like a restaurant? Yeah. We're slammed. We're 86ed on baby. Whoa, RU-486. That's brilliant. Yeah.

Brad Pitt. Plan B? It's called Plan B, and they're like, oh, Brad, you've never had to use that. Any girl he's spunked in, she's been like, I'm holding it. Right. Yeah. They just plug her pussy. Right. It's weird that he adopted, too. Well, they had actual babies. He had a few of his own. He had a few, but they adopted him. Well, they wanted some ethnics. Look at that. You've got to score points. Look at that cast. Oh, yeah. Like a college catalog. Look at that. Apparently, they all hate him now. Really? Is that correct? Yeah.

Is that right? I don't know. I feel like they do that with celebrities' kids all the time, where they go like, you know all of his kids are trans. Right. All right. A couple of Elons, I think, are trans. One, I think one. One. I mean, it's a numbers game. At a certain point, you're going to hit, you can't be like pro-population and anti-trans. You're going to hit trans. Oh, yeah. Shiloh Jolie-Pitt has said she would like to be called John. There you go, because I think he roughed her up a bit.

But where was that when we were kids? I knew a ton of kids that got beat. They didn't switch it. He beat the mom, I mean. Oh, so Shiloh wants to switch to a man to defend her mom. Right. I guess so.

I always say, she went to the press about getting beat up by him in the first rule of fight club. Can't talk about it. That's why he was mad? Yeah. Why did you do that? Why did you do that? I'm Bob. I have bitched it. Oh, yeah, the Grammys thing. Dude, Kanye West's relationship with his wife is just abuse. What's going on here with the nudes? It's just abuse. It's like...

I don't give a fuck who you are. You can't pitch it to me that it's anything other than wild abuse. You don't think she likes showing her body? I'm just playing devil's aim. Oh, I know. And I know there are people that are going to go like, I love that kink, but it's like...

There was one picture I saw. It's a hard kink to pull off. We're going to walk the red carpet. Look at these nubs. You got to be pretty famous. I mean, her tits are giant. Those are unbelievable. Isn't it weird she looks exactly like Kim Kardashian? A little. Yeah. If you had an ex and she started dating a guy that was like, hey, this is...

This is Ted. Yeah. He just looks like you. And you're like, what are you doing? I'm flattered. You would? Yeah, a little bit. Maybe not. Maybe it would mean that my personality was that bad that you have to go... Well, I think Kim broke up with him, right? Oh, yeah. Well, he went cuckoo. He's not medicated. This is a better option because she's not as famous. She's not as high maintenance, probably. She does whatever he wants. And her tits are bigger. So funny, though, that she's just in comfy sweats. Yeah. He's like, we're going to go get dinner. And she's like, do you want me to...

put on the plastic six-pack we got and rain boots. He's like, yeah, squeeze your titties in them plastic six-pack. That is unreal. He started tweeting again, and it was like literally when they dropped the Luka trade news, which is so funny that he thought he was going to make a bigger splash, but everyone's like, oh my God, Luka. The biggest trade in NBA history. Yeah. And you go like, what, Kanye? And he goes, I'm crazy. I am.

I am a god. And you're like, yeah, Luca's on the Lakers. Shut the fuck up. Well, he tweeted, I was going to fuck Kamala, but I don't fuck losers. That was like his first tweet back. And he misspelled it. Nah. Nah. You want that one back. Yeah. What is this a relief for? I love that there's like a charity behind her. That's so funny. Just get her clothes. Throw an army blanket on that woman. I know. It's to get people clothed after. There was one time. Los Angeles. She was just naked one time holding like a stuffed cat.

And she just had to walk around like that. And you're like, that's your outfit? Yeah. She's holding. You're just like a scared kid after a nightmare, but you're naked? Right. It's got to be a tough existence to be in a relationship with her. Kanye has to suck to hang out with. Yeah. Oh, of course. Her name's Sensory? Yeah, which is, Katie finds that the funniest thing. She goes, a lady named Sensory, which sounds Italian for censor. Yep. I've never seen her not naked. All right. That one right there, where you're like, what is that?

Yeah, it's two on the notes, like Anthony Weiner. Yeah, showing his dick. Right. Yeah. Bernie Madoff, yeah. Yeah. It's like, yeah, dude, Madoff. I didn't even think of that. Damn, that's crazy. It's just got to be, like, obviously Kanye's a musical genius. Sure. He's a musical genius. But then at one point it's like,

Like, this is like when a hot lady starts ruining someone's life. Yeah. And you go like, well, what's it worth? He's like, well, she's so hot. And you go, but outside of that. Yeah. I mean, he looks like a Mortal Kombat villain. What the fuck's he wearing? He does. Although Yoko wasn't hot and fucked shit up. So better to go hot and fuck up, I guess. Yeah. But look at that hat.

What's she wearing? The chain mail? Yeah. This is strange. Look at this guy. He's like a hefty bag. He really does just always dress like a five-year-old that got into his parents' closet. He's like, I'm wearing oversized boots and my dad's suit jacket. Yeah. I'm going to work like daddy. And you're like, sure. I mean, you wonder if he ever got medicated, if he would have been like, I made her do what?

Yeah. You want him to snap back to reality and be like, oh, that was kind of mean. It's a lot to look back on. Yeah. I mean, it would take a few days. Days? It would take years. If his head evened out, he would be like, what was I doing? It's like a blackout where you're like, what did I do? Oh, my God. I said, what about the juice? He wakes up. He's like.

what are these teeth where's my wife right my kids are all how old and she's like do you want me to grab the floss and wear it as a jacket right he's like yeah he's like why am i it was all a bad dream she's like no i really fuck pete davidson he goes fuck i was really hoping that wasn't true yeah but like with his new wife there was like when he got in trouble like his old assistant sued him

And she said that he would tell... Kanye would tell his wife that he wants to fuck her mom. Whoa. I don't know if that's true. That's just something I read online. But he was like, I want to fuck your mom. And you're like...

That's so funny. Just to do that to someone you're dating, being like, I want to fuck your mom. And she's like, all right. At what point do you go like, you can't be like, yeah, it's hot, baby. Yeah, baby, you want my fucking mommy? It's a dude who watches too much porn. Because in porn, that's cool. But in real life, that's fucking disgusting. That's incest. It also feels like a Seinfeld premise of an episode where they're like, how do I get out of this relationship, Jerry? Say you want to fuck his mom. Yeah! She's into it. Yeah.

She's into it. Yeah. Someone said a long time ago, one of my buddies, who's black, so this counts more. Okay. He was like, yeah, Kanye's a nerd. He's like, Kanye's just a nerd, and he just got access to everything, so he's acting like a nerd would, where he'd be like, I make hot girls dress crazy. Right. It's not cool, though. And he's like, it is cool to me. Right. I got silver teeth. In fairness, that's Sensory's mom. The mom's cute. She is hot. Yeah.

All right, Kanye. We're back in on you. She's wearing a Red Rocket pop dress. Oh, yeah. I'd like to break her over the counter. What does she think of the daughter is the question. We've got to get the daughter to go on Call Her Daddy. Dude, they will do... I'm telling you right now, there will be a documentary in like 15 years where she's like...

This is what happened. I hope so. This was the abuse. This is why I did it. The money or whatever. A lot of drugs, probably. Probably, like, yeah. Well, they said that rumor that he's addicted to nitrous. Whoa. What does that do to you? I don't know. I think it's like a Whippet.

I genuinely don't know, but when people say that, whenever someone's addicted to a drug, I don't know what they do, I don't judge them, because I go like, I don't know what that would do to you. How about ketamine? Ketamine. You know what that does? What? Okay, so you can't judge me. Oh, well, how much ketamine do you do? I'm just kidding. I had friends that used to do lines of ketamine in high school. Me too. Isn't that what would kill Matthew Perry? It's like horse tranquilizer. Yeah, they would do it off a key. Is that what killed him? I think it was a mix. I think old Chandler Bing had a cocktail in him. Could I be any more fucked?

But they, like ketamine, I remember back in the day was the drug that when the friends I knew that did it, I was like, oh, that's way too hard. Same, same. But it seems like it's more. He was high concentration of drug ketamine in his blood. Okay.

Damn. Whoa. He fell asleep in the hot tub? Yeah. No, he fell asleep in that fountain in the opening. That would be a great parody, just seeing Schwimmer like, he's not okay. We got to revive him. They rip his tuxedo open. Joey's like, how you doing? I'm dying here. I'm fucking dying. So no one told you ketamine was going to kill you.

That's what they're doing above. Wake up. So no one told you ketamine was going to stop your heart?

That's fucked up. Have you done ketamine? No, I've never done it. Have you done it? I've never snorted anything. I can't snort stuff. Snorting freaks me out. Uppers make me obnoxious. I'm already obnoxious and I smoke a lot of weed. So an upper would just be a nightmare for people. Caffeine's great too. I'm good with just caffeine. Caffeine and booze. Yeah, that's a big boy. Caffeine and weed are exactly what I love. The perfect balance. Together? Love it. Really? Love to get high then have a coffee.

That's nice. It's real nice. You're like a productive pothead. Kind of. Kind of. You get juiced up, I notice. When you smoke, you're like up an atom. I have fun with it. I like it. When you quit booze, you got to have something. Can you write high? I prefer to. Whoa. What I do is I think a lot of my premises and stuff that I know I want to talk about is I write sober. But punchlines are like...

When a joke goes a different way, weed kind of helps me be like, oh, I never thought about it from that angle. Right, right. Carlin used to do that. That's right. Carlin used to write and then he would smoke a joint and go back over his writing and be like, oh, I could put this in. Because I think it just makes you sillier and weirder.

So you, like, come up with a joke where you're like, oh, yeah. Takes the filters off a little bit. Sometimes you're writing like, this sucks, I suck, with the weed just kind of in it. Big Jay told me one time he likes to get high before he goes on stage because when he riffs, he's more likely to say something that'll make him laugh. And then when it connects to the audience, he's like, oh, that's genuine. It depends who you are, though, because I've tried it once, and I was like, yeah, this ain't my drug. Oh, I've had bad experiences, like doing stand-up and writing high. Yeah.

It's like sometimes you're like, oh, this is all so stupid. I'm so stupid. And then it's down the tube. Yeah, I did shrooms before a set once. That was bad. Were you peaking when you went on or were you like getting high? I was getting high and then kind of peaking and got off. Yeah. I did. This is like 2012, maybe 2000. It might have been a little later than that. Ari did his This Is Not Happening.

And he was like, we're all going to do mushrooms and do a story about doing mushrooms. So Ari showed up with the mushrooms. I was there first out of everybody. He was like, hey, will you go first? And I was like, sure. We ate the mushrooms.

I went on stage and I was telling a story about when I got pulled over in high school on mushrooms by a cop and they let us go. And it was like crazy. But I was like on stage and felt so good. I was like comparing things and I was like, oh, and then this light on the stairway turned on because it was at that strip club. Yeah. The cheetah one. Cheetahs. The one upstairs and a light on the stair turned on and it for some reason. Ha ha.

Got my attention and then I spiraled It was a cop's flashlight You were driving I'm back I'm on stage I just looked over and I was like And then everything I was like

Are you guys? And then I felt like my pubic hair was open. Was it on TV? I think you just shit your pants. That was bad. Were you on TV for this one or was it just a live show? This was like way before he did it as a TV show. I mean, I would hate to be doing a TV tape. Of course. No.

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Did you ever do one drunk or like buzzed? A special or like a TV? Like a late set? A couple of Conan's I've had a couple of whiskeys in me because they would just have whiskey there. Right. I have a few glasses. They had a full bar. I think my best set on there, I was buzzed. Really? It was just so loose. I knew the jokes like the back of my hand because they were just, I'd been doing them for a while and I didn't really think about it. And that was like, that was a really good one. That was like...

Burr and Bill Hader were on that show too. It was a cool one to be on. I got to follow Bill Burr. Great whites. It was fun. But yeah, I don't,

I don't think high would freak me the fuck out. Yeah, of course. Well, that Conan shit, they leave you in that back room for like three hours. Remember that jug of popcorn? Yes, yes. The cheese and the caramel? I always took that. Oh, dude, I would eat half of it while I was there and I'd go on like, ugh. But you're just ruminating back there. You're like, ugh, hopeless go. What if I forget my jokes? What if I'm gay? The first time I did it,

was with me so it was easy because we were just sitting around talking and Nate knew everybody because Nate had done Conan so much. Yeah, that's true. It was like Nate worked there. Right. He just knew everybody and then it went so well the second time I did it I was like, I don't need anybody with me and that was the biggest mistake I made. Huge. Because then I was just sitting by myself like you said forever. Right. And then you're like, ah,

Speaking of... Oh, sorry. What were you saying? Well, speaking of Nate, we just went to his hotel room in Tribeca. How crazy... It was like a layer in the side of a mountain. It was unbelievable. It was the coolest hotel room I've ever been in in my life. Greenwich? The Greenwich Hotel. Nice hotel. I think it's owned by De Niro. It's next to the Tribeca offices. It's fucking crazy. Unbelievable. The room, the penthouse he was in was...

Was he just staying there for kicks or was he filming something? He was filming that Billy Geist thing, whatever that was. Oh, Willie Geist. Willie Geist. Yeah, he did the Willie Geist show. But that, I mean, he got us all food and we had a big screen TV. We watched... It was like a foreign dignitary. Yes, yes. It felt like the president of like...

A foreign country was there, and they were like, we're going to bring in sandwiches that he likes. Yeah. Great. He had a sauna on the roof. He had his own greenhouse. I took a picture of the hotel, or of the hot tub on the roof when I was out there smoking weed. I was like, this is insane. I know. So he does own it. Oh, wow. Okay. I mean, that place was beautiful. So hip. Type in the Greenwich Hotel penthouse. He's struggling right there. He pulled it up. Yeah.

See if you can see the penthouse because it was crazy. I mean, that pool looks kind of cool. Let's go to images. Man, that's a cool front desk. Yeah, right when Dan walked in, they were like, you're here for Nate. Yeah, we sat right there. We sat on that couch eating sandwiches. That was one of the rooms. That was just one of the living rooms. Look at that window. Oh, yeah. That's where we watched. The TV was against the window. Oh, yeah. Louis Cat sat there.

Or you did, maybe. I almost farted. And by farted, I mean shit my pants. It was crazy. It was one of those places that's exactly where we were. Yep. Nate was on that chair on the right. Right, right. Ari was on the chair on the left. It was one of those hotels where I was like, I'll never be back in here. No. There'll never be another situation where I'm back in this fucking penthouse. Yeah. It was one of those ones where the elevator opens to the room. Ooh, I like that. Dude, halfway up in the elevator, Nate's assistant was like, you're here for Nate, right? I was like...

What if I'm not? If I'm not, you're in big trouble. Yeah, right. We looked so shitty. They're all dressed up, bow ties, and we're like car hearts. It was so nice. What was the hang like, though? It was fun. It was all us. It was all people we knew. It was like me, Norman, Sal, Louis Katz, Nate. Ari. Ari. Just a good chopping the shit. Chopping the shit? Is that a thing? Shooting the shit. Chopping it up and doing a lot of shit talking and comedy business. It was great. It was great.

It's always fun because it's fun to talk to Nate where you go, yeah, you still got that in you. Oh, yeah. You see him doing well. Yeah, then you talk and you go, you ain't ever going to lose that. No. Comics never lose that. You seen this motherfucker's shit? And you go, tell me about it. He's at the most expensive hotel. He's doing a Christmas special. He's doing arenas. And he's like, this guy never supported me. He never helped me on the way up. I had to do it all on my own.

Yeah, but it was a fun hang, and that hotel was wild. Oh, yeah. I mean, that never goes away, but this shit helps. Oh, hell yeah. I mean, that's nuts. I'm doing a couple dates with... You're doing some dates with Shane, right? Hell yeah. Yeah, I'm doing a couple. You doing Minneapolis? No. Ah.

I'm doing Colorado, Utah, D.C., and Cleveland. Ooh, that's going to be fun. Yeah, it's fun. He was just like, he wants to bring all of his friends on the road. That's cool, man. He was like, hey, you want to do some dates? I was like, fuck yeah, dude. I'm doing one of those dates I know is with James McCann and Big Jay. Oh, that's killer. So that's going to be a fun fucking date. Love McCann. See, that's the beauty of Shay. He never really changed either because he's...

He's having celebrities hit him up. We're like bombing in front of Eddie Vedder and Bradley Cooper's like, you want to hang out? They get like giddy around him. Yeah, Shane home? Hi, can I hang out with you, Shane? He's like, yeah, I guess. Yeah, all right, Drake. It was funny watching him. He took me to a barbecue two years ago on Long Island with some 49ers. Wow. And it was Kyle Juszczyk. It was Kyle Juszczyk's house and George Kittle was there. Yeah, I met him through Shane once too. And they're like so funny because they're like, love Shane and you're like,

I love you guys so much. I'm supposed to speak for an Irish fan. You guys are the best. But then you have to lose it after a while. When you're at a barbecue with them, you're kind of like, ah, you're a regular guy. Also, I've met him before. The good thing about being a Giants fan is not a lot of football players star strike me at this point. Well, they were at the Cellar the other night. Who? Really? The New York Giants. Which one? They were being a problem. Really? Yeah. That's great. Not on the field, they're not. Yeah. Well, I wish I would have known.

It was the Village Underground. They were at the VU, and when you're on stage, they were in the right, in that back corner room. Yeah. Where that back is usually where people get noisy because they feel so removed from the show. Yes, and the bar's right there. So they were talking. My set was fine, but I could hear them talking, and I didn't go after it. And then I got off stage, and I was like, yo, what's up with that group in the right corner? And they go, oh, that's the New York Giants. And I was like, I wish I would have known that because I would have talked so much shit. Ah.

I would have immediately been like, hey, you got to win more than seven games if you're going to interrupt the show. I don't think we came close to seven. That's what I mean. Three? Yeah. It would have been fun. They can't even tank properly. Yeah. It's brutal. That is the weird part about the cellars. Sometimes there's celebrities there that you don't have any interest in that you'll bump into. Yeah.

And they'll just be like, good set. And you're like, oh, fuck. All right. I'm trying to think of one of the weirdest ones. One time I was bombing in Bill Maher. What? Esty walked Bill Maher into the room. Holy shit. It was like 10 years ago. And I was like, oh.

I don't even like this guy, but this sucks. This guy's bombing, okay? Okay. Oh, really? That's your set? Oh, you're doing Subway material? One time I met Spike Jones there. That's cool. That was pretty cool. Matt Damon, he was there a lot. I met him because of Papa and Brian Koppelman. Yep, yep.

Trying to think of a new rule. No more soda going on first. Why does Dan Soder want to talk about smoking weed? It's actually Big Jay and I smoked a joint and I was like, I don't like to smoke right before I go up because I usually freak out. And Jay was like, don't be a pussy. And then I was doing this was like 2013. I was doing a new bit that was like killing. Like it was like I'd had it for a couple of weeks. So I was opening with it just to like, you

You know? And I'm doing it. And this lady gets up. And I go, where are you going? She goes, I'm going to go smoke a cigarette. I heard you do this joke last week. Whoa. Damn. And I was like... And I was pretty new at the cellar. So I was like, um...

And I just like went back to old material. Yeah, of course. And so it wasn't going the way I wanted it to because it was old material that I didn't even like anymore. Yeah. And then I saw Esty walk. First off, Esty walked in the room, which scares the shit out of you. Sure. And then Bill Maher. I was like, is that Bill Maher with Esty? Holy.

Holy moly. Fucking. What's your worst heckle? Worst thing that just crushed you? Got you. You couldn't come up with anything. I had one that was bad. Dry mouth. A club called Rooster Teafet. I know it. Shout out Sunnyvale, California. Hell yeah. I don't even think it was Sunnyvale. Oh yeah, it was Sunnyvale. It was. It was like Cooper Teen or whatever. Yeah, it's like south of San Francisco. And it's like a small crowd. I was not selling shit. And I was doing that.

which people some now know as the alligator store. Oh yeah. And it was, it was a work in progress, that story. It took a while to get it where it was. And I guess it wasn't there yet. Cause in the middle of it, a woman walks out, opens the door and goes, you fucking suck. And the door just slows. It's like slowly closing in slow-mo. And I'm just like,

I just kind of stopped, and some other woman goes, I think you're doing great. And I was like, that was even worse. The pity's worse than the outrage. Pity's worse. And I was like, oh, God. It's just hard because I didn't have- I think you're a sweet boy. I didn't have an opening to hit her back because the door shut. Right. So I'm like, oh, you just won. Yeah, smart way to heckle is say it and leave. Yeah. You can't rebuttal. Worse, the pity. That was a bad one. That's the first one. I also got spat on once at- Whoa!

That was a bad one. Spat on. I was doing the door there and they throw you up sometimes. And I went on and I just like was going back with this guy and I was dressed like shit, you know? I had like, you know, the same pants I wore every day. Yeah. Shitty young comic. And he was like, look at those cheap fucking pants. I was like, yeah, they're fucking... This doesn't pay much. Yeah. And then...

We went back and forth a few times, and he just was like, I forgot what I said that really fired him up, but he just got up, and I just heard, and I was like, oh, boy. And then he just fucking, terrible people, great aim, hits me right here. And the staff was so cool. The staff liked me there. It was all these tough Latina waitresses, and they were barricading. They wouldn't let him on the stage. I'm like, this is humiliating for so many reasons. Hits me, walks out, and

Shout out Chris Murphy, who like, I was a young comic. I was a little rattled. The dude was kind of scary. He was like, I'll walk you out. And I was like, I love you, Chris. I don't think you're making a difference with this guy. Was he there? He walked me out. No, he wasn't there. He was gone. Holy shit. When you're a young comic, you're like, fuck, that was a little weird. Man, you got a hock to it. Yeah. Not the good kind. Yeah. Definitely finished you, though. Yeah. Finished all the tits.

How about you guys? That's pretty bad. Those are the two that jumped out immediately. I mean, I have a couple. One was not long ago where I was doing a joke that I put on my YouTube special about I'm always afraid I'm going to let the mass shooter into the building. It was an early show at the Cellar.

And I was like, I'm a people pleaser, you know? And I, like, did the act out of opening the door, and it got nothing. And this guy right to the side of the stage goes, you're not funny. Oh. And I was like. That's harsh. And then I just, I didn't address it. I just fucking, like. How do you not address that? I went, like, because the joke bombed so hard. Right. He technically was right.

And I was just like, oh. And you were new at the cellar. No, this is fucking 18 months ago. And I fucking ate it. Dude, I ate it so hard. But I stuck to my guns. Like, I was like, fuck this. I'm going to do these jokes. I know these jokes work. But I bombed. And I got off stage. I was in the back hallway. And one of the waiters came out. And he was like, that was impressive. Wow. Like, I watched you stay to your guns. But you fucking took a beating on that one. It was so bad. I had a set at New York Comedy Club on East 4th.

you know, across town. I called and talked to Shane the entire walk over because I was like, no, the joke works. Joke works. Joke works. And he was like, yeah, dude, you're fine. This is just like, it was just like a bad set. I was like, I'm not going to fucking stop doing the joke. And it was just like, it fucked me up. Wow. Because it got nothing. And it's a shooter joke or whatever. Yeah, it was a mass shooter joke. And they were like, oh, and the guy goes, you're not funny. Damn. That guy should be thrown out for that. That's crazy. Yeah, fuck him.

I got a pity. I was bombing. I was somewhere on the road, some funny bone, and it was a papered room. Do you remember which one? I think it was Dayton, which is already sad. Yeah. A Dayton funny bone, papered room, half full, whatever, sweating, dry mouth, bombing, two older ladies in the front row, probably 65. One leans over and goes-

this is bad. I heard everything. It's pure silence. So I could hear everything. And now you have to pretend you didn't hear it and keep delivering the jokes with a smile on your face and tap dancing and jazz hands. And I wanted to kill myself. You just knocked loose a memory. All right. When I was at helium in St. Louis, you know, you know, the helium, the room, they're like right in front of you. Worst helium. But they're like right in front of you. And like a little semicircle.

I was doing a joke that was on my HBO special about killing my grandmother because she asked me what gluten was. And it's like a big act out or whatever. And this old woman was with her daughter in the very front. I did the whole joke. Yeah. It didn't do bad, but the laughs came down and I heard her lean over to her daughter and she goes, I don't like this. And I was like, and you can't.

Go back at that. No one else heard that. Exactly. Just you have it. And then the rest of the time, it's like you're performing with this spot where you're like, I know this fucking woman hates me. It's like when a sibling would do something and you're under the table. Yeah. And it's like, well, I can't throw the first hit. They're going to think it's me. Exactly. They don't realize it's defense. But yeah, dude, I experienced that club once where –

Everything was just going wrong that week. Oh, Helium St. Louis? Yeah, I was in the bathroom the first night. Vitor's on stage and I can't, the bathroom door just locked. It's a sliding door with one of those turn locks. Yeah, so I couldn't get out and Vitor's like about to call my name. I'm like, fuck, what do I do? I had to kick the door in.

So I broke the door. That looked like – that would have been, by the way, I think that has to be your next special intro. You fucking kick the door out and you're like, are these motherfuckers ready for this? You Kool-Aid man. I didn't do it in a cool way. It wasn't like a cop movie thing. It like kind of – and then like the little lock thing in the middle was just gone. There was like a hole this big for a weekend. So I got out and Gary's like, what the fuck happened? I'm like, it wouldn't open. I was texting the manager. No one answered. And then –

And then the next night, I thought it was a good idea to get a rainbow trout at a restaurant in St. Louis, Missouri. I deserve this. You're a gay fish. I deserve this. And in the Uber to the club, I was like, man, my stomach's killing me. I'm like, I don't know if I'm going to make it to the club. And the Uber driver, like, he's...

And he's just going, I had some diarrhea last week during that bull pink. And I was like, why are you doing this to me? Don't do that. A little tugboat captain. He's got war stories. God damn it. I had to hobble into the club. I ran into the bathroom. Vito had to stretch. He'd do like 35. I had diarrhea. I'm sure I've told this on the pod before. Wow. Yeah. So they put Pepto through that little hole in the door. Did you get through your whole set? Yeah, I made it. The Pepto numbs you. But by the end of the set, were you feeling like...

Oh, I got a shit again. Yeah, I was bad. Damn. That shit is... It's not good. In the same stall that you ruined the night before. Yeah. That's so funny. Wow. Yeah. Wow. What a weekend. I thought I've told this on the podcast. I'm sure I told that. One time I was pooping at Bricktown Comedy. Oh, yeah. Oklahoma City. Great club. And I shut the door, but I was like pooping and I thought I had more time. And then they were like...

As I was finishing, I heard them calling me. I was like, no, no, no, no, no. And then you're like, I got to clean. I got to clean. I got to wipe my hands. And it was like three dance odors. It was like, dance odor. Dance odor. And then what you have to do at that point is you walk out slowly. You have to make it seem like it's on purpose. Right, right. You're like, no, I like to wait. No, I went up there and I was like, I was just pooping. Like, I like pure honesty. You just go up there and you go, guys, poop was falling out of my butt when he said my name the first time.

I was being relieved. Yeah. That is a good club. I like OKC. Yeah, I went and it was like 104 every day there. It was like smoke. I want to go back when it's not. I wasn't sweating on stage like a tent preacher. It was wild. Yeah, that's a tough one. You always think you can shit in time.

I hate a rush shit. A rush shit is the worst? It's the worst. You want a free calendar, turn the phone off, light a candle, and really enjoy it. When was the last time you were constipated? I never get constipated. Have you ever had major constipation? Never. First time I ever prayed to God was constipation. Wow. It was in first grade, and I... Didn't we talk about this last time I was on? I feel like we've talked about... I don't know. Damn, I feel like I don't want to repeat another... I've never heard of this constipation. No, I just... Yeah. Because I've...

You get it all the time? No, but I had a horrific one at Comedy at the Carlson in Rochester, New York. Another club I like a lot. Love that club. And it was similar on... I was constipated for like a week, and then I was at that club, and I was like begging God to make me poop. What causes this? Habituates? Yeah, bad diet? What are you eating? Well, my...

I think it was – I truly think it was because the 49ers lost the NFC Championship game. There we go. And I was so mad about it. It's when they lost to the Rams, which we beat twice that season. So the year the Rams won the Super Bowl over the Bengals.

The Niners lost the NFC Championship game, and then I had a blowout Facebook thing with a family member. Oh. Like an end contact. Like a very real- Over the game? No. Over just the history with me and this family member. Wow. And it was like a fucking- I was shaking when I wrote it. I was so angry. And I wrote it. I read it to Alan, and Alan was like, that was fucking great. Wow. I read it to my mom, and my mom was like, fuck him. It was like a guy that is related to me that I don't-

I don't have a relationship with anymore. So you think it was stress? That's exactly what my doctor said. Wow. Because I went to the doctor. I was like, I've been constipated for like eight days and my diet has stayed the same and I'm usually very regular. Yeah, yeah. I shit every morning and I was like, and I can't shit and I was like, I'm trying to force it and he was like, no, you got to drink Miralax and just let it happen. Stress will do it though. It was stress and then

I did suppositories. It can't be the game. I think it's all the family. I think the game is a little stretch. Well, I was stressed out during the game, and I tried forcing a shit that didn't work. Oh, interesting. Honestly, this is the – I'm telling you 100% the real truth. Lay it on me, Fetty. Half-time of the NFC Championship game, I tried to force a shit out. Didn't happen. Mm-hmm.

Was mad I held on to it. The family thing happened the next day, and I was locked up for like nine days. It's a combo. And then my doctor was like- The Niners were stuck too. What's that? I said the Niners were stuck too. Dude, couldn't get past Aaron Donald. It was our blockage. Couldn't get out the Browns. Have you ever done a suppository? No, never. That was a low point as a young road comic in an Amtrak bathroom having to put a suppository up my ass. It made me think all I could think about was the Louie joke.

What's that? Where he was like – he had to do – they gave him a painkiller that was a suppository and he put it in. And then he's like – he started getting warm and he's like, why don't I shove more stuff up my ass? Yeah. It's such a good bit. That's a great idea. He's like, why don't I shove everything up my ass? But I did it. I did it and it made some of the poop come out but not enough that I was like, oh, I'm doing it. And then I did a suppository. I remember in the hotel in Rochester. Yeah.

Nothing. Whoa. And I just remember being like, come on, God. And then I talked to my doctor. My doctor was like- God ignores the wildfires in LA. He's like, let me help soda. Hold on. Let me knock this shit loose. But my doctor was like, drink as much Miralax as you want. It won't hurt you. He was like, put every time you're just sitting around- Like stomach acid? What is it? It loosens your stools. It's for constipation. So I was just like sitting around in my hotel room and I'd be like, bloop, and just do a dump of Miralax.

Did the two shows that night. Still couldn't poop. Got home to my apartment and had the most enjoyable shit of my life. It's like a dumb and dumber? Yeah. It was one of those things where I think after the weekend of the stress of the shows. Yes. And everything was done. And I sat down. The noise I made when I pooped was like, oh, it was dumb and dumber because I was like, oh, cleaning my teeth. I had to do three flushes. Yes.

Because I was like, oh, fuck. And then I flushed. I was like, oh, fuck. And it fucked me up so bad that I was high. I got done pooping, and I just laid down on my couch. I was like, that felt wonderful. Wow. It's a great flusher. It is kind of like in the end of the movie where you have the extra gunshot to the bad guy's head. Yeah.

Let me make sure this is gone. Stay fucking dead. Well, stress hits everybody differently. When I'm super stressed, my beard falls out. Really? Yeah, so it hits everyone differently. Shitting, beard. Your beard's looking pretty full. It's looking good. Well, now, yeah, my razor broke, so I got to buy a new one. But, yeah. But will it come out in clumps? Yeah, just circles. Really? Like a nickel. Razor's breaking as a peeve. Of course. They break a lot. They really do.

I use a buzzer now. That's what I use. My buzzer's broken. Me too, but they break all the time. Yeah. You know what? Yeah. You just got to find one that doesn't break. Yeah. And let's Manscaped the sponsor in this episode, in which case their stuff is really good. That's the thing. It is good. It is great. Manscaped does some good work. They do good stuff. I give them as gifts. Yeah? Those boxes. Yeah. I got 9,000 razors. That's the way to go because you're sponsored by them? Yeah.

That was like me giving digital picture frames, which if anyone I gave is watching this, I apologize, but it's a good gift. Great gift. Those are pretty cool, actually. We had like six of them, and Katie's like, what do you want to give them for Christmas? And I just grabbed one, and she was like,

Okay. You wrap it and you're like, fuck it, why not? You get a gift and I'm like, I got you some bodega cat whiskey. I just give impressions as gifts. I'll do your voicemail as Macho Man. What about the singing telegram? That went away. Remember that guy? Yeah. He'd be like, happy birthday. Right. It's now cameo. Do you guys have any themes or bits you're working on?

Oh, I got to peeve. What do you got? I got to buy you guys some time. Yeah. You ever have this guy? This happens to me all the time and I fucking hate it. When the guy, you go, hey, some guy's like, so yeah, my friend was a heroin addict. He eventually died. And I go, oh, did he die of a heroin overdose? And another guy I was with goes-

Of course he did. What the fuck kind of question is that? And then the guy goes, no, I actually got hit by a car. And I'm like, how about you not call me out before you know? Yeah. You know, he made me seem like an asshole because I asked that question. Who else is he going to die from? Yeah, that was it. It was cancer. Right. There you go. Exactly. So don't give the guy shit for asking a dumb question. He said eventually, too. So I think your instincts were right. Yeah. Thank you. That is weird to be like.

Why are you asking him that? Right, I get that all the time. Like, of course, you idiot. How else would you think he died? I'm like, well, we don't know. And then it was a different thing. Oh, fuck.

That does make me mad because that's someone trying to make you look stupid when you're smart. Exactly. You're like, no, I actually had a good question. I'm like, why would you ask that? And then there never is, the apology is never as loud as the accusation. Of course. They never go like, I'm sorry, I jumped in on that. Right. I was fucking wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So always ask questions. My peeve is very generic, but it's very true. Text back. Stop. Stop.

Like what if I text you and you don't respond I'm taking that very personally you know

I'm no dude I'll tell you this right now because he's terrible I'll tell you right now with Michael Che I stopped texting me too I just don't care anymore yeah and I love we're not in high school you're not too cool to text me back I'm your friend at least give me a thumbs up yes I won't name names but there's two people that I I've been trying to hang out with and it's just three unanswered texts and I go well then I think we're done and I think we're done yeah and I don't

I don't accept the, you know, I know people that are like, well, I'm overwhelmed. I got a lot of texts or whatever. That's like, say that. That's fine. But the next text I get from you better be an apology for the text you didn't answer. Like, hey, dude, I just saw the thing above. I'm sorry. I must have fucking missed it. Because I understand you're getting on the train. Someone texts you, you read it, you put it back. You get overwhelmed sometimes. I completely agree that. You do a bunch of these. There are people that are consistent that I don't put up with it anymore. It was one of them. Yeah.

A guy that you would text and just not hear from him. And you're like, I think we're good then. Yeah. I just don't care that much. And I'm not looking for a how are you? I'm not trying to start a conversation. Some stuff I – he was like, you want to come to SNL and we'll hang out? Some band was on I liked. So I was like, I'd love to. And I texted, what time should I be there? Nothing. So you're like, I know you're busy, but I'm not trying to chit-chat. I need this information. I don't want to show up at the wrong time. I ended up going, but I just showed up.

Dude, there's one of our friends that I text that it's just all blue. Can we blank the name, would we say? Yeah, I mean, they're going to read lips. Wow. I would not think that. It does not answer any of my texts. Why is that? I don't know, but it's not just me. Okay. That does help. I've talked to friends, and they go like, he doesn't respond. And you go like, clearly he must be going through something.

But I can only give so many texts before I'm kind of like, I don't care, dude. If I see you around, I see you around. But you guys are close. I don't want to give too much away here. Yeah. I mean, it just. He's a Hispanic man. Yeah. He is a black lesbian. Trans. Trans comedian. No, but I think it is like in the age of texting, it's like the least you can do is just go like.

Either, if you forget, go, sorry, dude, I didn't see that text. My bad. Yeah, easy. Because he did that on a Christmas text. I sent a very nice Christmas text. And then a couple days later, he's like, holy shit, I thought I answered this. Merry Christmas. Yeah, okay. Damn. I have some friends like that, too. A couple close friends. And I know that they...

Do this to everybody when you find out they do it to everybody it does help. It's not so bad Don't look at their phones. They really don't that's true. I'm not one of them, but that's true You know your friend does yeah, cuz you're around them. Yeah, see how much they're on their fucking phone right? There's no fucking excuse Yeah, well there is also and this is not you but there are people out there who are like it's like eight favors in a row I'm not responding. I will only be upset if

If I send you a positive, benign message and you don't respond. Right. A sincere reach out of like, what's up?

Would love to grab... You texted me back. I was like, hey, let's go get a diner. I was on the road, but I want to... But you're on the road, and then you wrote, hey, dude, sorry, just saw this. I know it's a little late. But we do want to hang. Yeah. But that's not something I would hold against you, because I knew you were on the road. But you know... I'm talking about when it happens. There are also the bait-and-switch texters. That's true. The texters who are like, how you been? And then they rope that into a favor. Gomez!

I mean, I don't think I've ever gotten a text from Lewis that isn't a question of... That's true. I've never got a question of, how are you? It's a statement. It's like, you're doing Story Wars this Wednesday. I'm like, I told you I couldn't do that. He goes, I'm confirming you. I'm like, there was no confirmation. I love you, Lewis, but I didn't fucking confirm. I will add to your point, there's nothing worse than someone going, uh, hi. Oh, I fucking hate hi. Hey. Hey.

Hey, what? Yeah, that's never good. Hey, what? Put it in the fucking text. You sackless asshole. Yes. Go like, hey, can you do this? Or hey, don't. Hi. No, I hate hi. Because guess what you're going to get back? Hi.

Yes. That's all you're going to get back. And then I'm not going to answer the next question. Girls would do that. When you're dating, they'd be like, hey. And you're like, you got to set something up here. I got an Instagram message from a girl a long time ago, but she wrote, hi. And I wrote, hi back. And then there was no other. She wants you to do the dirty work. Hey, this is a little volley. I don't know. You do it. I know this isn't really related, but it's just something that I just thought of that really annoyed me. Back in the day when I was single, before I met the love of my life, Katie Nolan, I

I was on match.com. I signed up for it. Old school. This is like 2016 or whatever, and I was like, I want to meet someone. I want to actually meet someone that isn't a comedian, that isn't in the entertainment industry. I just want to meet someone, and it's New York. So I signed up for this match. Match.com, you have to like...

put in effort to like do a profile. Oh, really? I did like a whole profile. I spent time on it. And then when I first started getting matches or whatever, it was women being like, I bet I'm funnier than you. And then you're like, delete profile. Fuck. Because I don't want to fucking do this. Oh, no. I bet my pussy gets wetter than yours. What are we doing? Are we just going to say crazy shit at each other? How good of a dick does your brother suck? And then they're like, why are you saying this? I thought you were funnier than me. Yeah.

You fucking riff it, you stupid bitch. God, it made me so mad. I got like four of those. I got that too. Make me laugh right now. Oh, fuck you. Show me your tits. Yeah, there you go. Let's just be honest while we're both here. Right. What's your suck game at, lady? Yeah, I would just send him a clip. There you go. Yeah, fuck. Dude, you know what's funny is I got, you guys definitely have to get these messages.

where a fan will send you a tag for a bit that's already recorded. Like it's on a special and it's out. And he goes, you know what you should say right here. You go, I got it. Yeah. We used to do a lot of bits on here. So we would, I would sometimes get them for, uh,

bits that we were working on and I was like flattered that our people would take the time they were like witty lines sometimes I didn't end up using them ever but I was like that's a good line you know it was kind of fun yeah but for the finished bit someone's a comic will do that and I'm like you know the fucking bits there's a comic that tried giving me a note recently

One note I got that was great. Like Mary Santoro saw me do a joke and she was like, hey, at the end of the joke, you should say this. She goes, do you want a note? And I went, no, I don't. And then she was like, can I just tell you what I think? And I was like, yeah. She goes, at the end of this joke, you should do this. And it was correct. I was like, didn't think of that. And she was laughing. She goes, I know. We hate getting notes. We hate getting notes. But then another fucking comic, and I'll tell you who it is at the end, who none of us respect. Oh.

That reaction lets you know I'm not wrong. Yeah. And he was like, you know what you should do? Because I just have like a throwaway line about how I'm getting older, but I'm doing old man stuff. And I talk about leaving the flashlight on my cell phone on. And he's like, you know what you should do? At the end, your flashlight should be on your cell phone. Oh, now you're props. I went, we were at one of those underground shows or whatever. And I went, what? What?

And he was like, yeah, you should do that. And I went, I think we're on the same show. And I was like, no, I don't think I'm going to do that. And he's like, oh, well, it's just like a thing. And you're like, that disgust face. Yeah, yeah. No. But Mary, I was like apologizing. I was like, I'm sorry. That actually is a good idea. Right, right. Damn. We're such catty little folks.

Well, it's all insecurity. You know, one of my favorite things that ever, when I first started on Billions and I met David Costable, who plays Wags. He's a great actor. He's a generational talent. Yeah, he's great on a lot. He was on Damages. He was on, he was Gil in Breaking Bad. He was in, he was on The Wire, Suits. I mean. Yeah, he's had a nice. He is, I'm going to tell you this right now.

Possibly one of my favorite humans. Easily one of the favorite people I've ever worked with. But one of my favorite human beings I've ever worked with. I got to go to a fucking boxing match at Barclays with him. And rappers love wags. When Billionaire was on. Oh, yeah.

There was like, yo, that's my man. Cause he was like the shit talking, get pussy, make money guy. Yeah. And he's funny. He's very funny. But he told me when I first met him, we were in the makeup trailer. We're like in hair and makeup. We're like getting ready to go to set. And he was like, this is like season one. And he's like, oh, I was like, I'm not really an actor. I'm a, I'm a comic. So that's why they kind of brought me on here to be like, you know, this shithead in the office or whatever. He goes, you're a standup comic. And I was like, yeah. He's like, you are the second best.

worst group to each other only behind Broadway dancers. Interesting. And he's like, Broadway dancers will push each other downstairs to get roles. Comics do it verbally. Yeah. He said that, I was like,

you know a lot of comedians. He was like, yeah. I was like, that is, we are the bitches. We're Hackswan. Hackswan is a great. I did a, I took an improv class when I first started comedy because I heard you're supposed to do that and I was blown away by how supportive, nice, sweet you are. How gay that shit is. So gay. I think it's just like. Well, you form bonds and you form like little groups and it is cliquish but.

If you ever want to get calm and comfortable around you, just start talking shit. Works every time. It will work every fucking time. I think once you find your group, it's like... Yeah. We had a very lucky experience. Our group naturally came together like this wonderful planet we lived on, where it was just an explosion. We all moved. We were all doing it at the same time. We all started hanging at the same time. Shout out to Rebecca Trent in the creek for giving us a place that we could go and kind of like...

Hang out. And black out. And get completely black out and throw up Tecates. Yeah. You know what I mean? But it's like, that is important. Well, also, we had a shared love, like actual love of comedy. Like a lot of people are hobbyists, so they do this to get to some stepping stone. We all gave a shit. Yeah. And I think that really brought us together. Yeah. We also would like sit around and talk jokes. Yes. And talk old jokes. Like, dude, List and I, I remember, and it was like when...

you and list started hanging out i was already hanging out with list and i remember he would be like ah norman's one of us he just wants to talk about jokes wants to talk about old specials and you're like great great great and it really is like a filtrating system where you're like yes yes exactly because listen i were quoting comedian at each other like within a week of hanging out right like what are you doing this weekend you're like this weekend

Working here. Yeah. Or he would get off and he'd be like, work, work, work, work. Yes. Man, I can't talk to Colin about that movie because it bugs him how much I love it. He's so funny in it though. I love it. I'm like, dude, it framed how I look at stand-up comedy. Oh, yeah. And if you watch it at different points in your career, it means something else. I watched it two weeks ago. Hey! How great is it at the beginning when you see young Sherrod? Yes. And he goes, there's a certain compulsion among comedians to get on stage. He goes, you want to go on? He goes, you're up next? Oh, my God. Young Russian Eve. He goes,

And my favorite is when Colin's sitting right by the server hutch, you know, that table. And he points to the other table and he goes, Apollo's got a friend in the think tank. Nick, where's your friend in that think tank? I'm telling you, that think tank bit's going to be big. It's going to be big. And the story, you know what? I just quoted comedian. Madonna went to the cellar. I heard. Schumer brought her and Madonna bombed for a half hour. You don't say. Like she bombed so bad that like.

That has to, like, bring John Mayer back. Yeah. Oh, she would kill for a Mayer set. But, um...

It was funny. I think the British press was like, she did so well and the American audience couldn't handle it. Oh, we could. We got it. But. It's like that Quinn bit. That's what I mean. A minute of grace. Yeah, he goes, Jack Nicholson, who's the most beloved person on the planet. After five minutes, they'd be like, all right, Jack, what do you got? Exactly. Oh, dude, there's even a clip of Jack, and I don't know if it's the Oscars or what, but he brings out Robin Williams to like. Oh, yeah, I remember that. He's leaning on a comic. Yeah. Whoa.

But Madonna kept doing the thing where she was like, do you guys hate me? And then they would clap. What a week. Did she clap for a role or something? No, she just wants to do it. She's tried stand-up before. She did Fallon. He opened for me at the...

Not open for me, but I was opening for Schumer at the Garden, and she went on before me. Wow. Did you talk to her at all? It was the easiest softball follow of all time. Did you talk to her? I tried to get her number. She wasn't into it. But no, I was too scared to approach her. I didn't want her to amaze me. Before the pandemic, when Jon Stewart was hanging back out at the Garden. I remember that. It was me, Stewart, and Michelle Wolfe at the table, and Schumer brought her in.

And took her downstairs to do a set and like everybody followed. Yeah. You know, it pulled like the side tables and everybody like went down the thing. And to Jon Stewart, I was like, you don't want to go watch Madonna do stand-up? And he like looked at the TV and he goes, not at all. And then looked back at the TV and I was like, this is why you're the best. I said that to Jon Stewart. I said, you are the –

Like the whole theory of never meet your heroes. He's cool. That is not true of Jon Stewart. Great guy. He's the fucking man. Yeah. He just sat down at the table. He'd stand up when he was doing like... That first hour was so good too. But when he'd come to the cellar...

You literally felt there's celebrities that make you feel like shit. Yeah. Stuart, I was like, hey, he like remembered the club I worked at. Wow. He's like, weren't you down in Florida? And I was like, yeah, I did that. And he's like, it was awesome. I'm going to be at the Levity Live in Alabama.

In Huntsville, February 20th through the 22nd. And then I'll be at the Balboa Theater, February 28th in San Diego. I'll be at the United Theater, March 1st in Los Angeles. We're trying to hold on to that date. We might have to move it. But March 2nd, I will be at Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco. Nice. And then March 7th.

I will be or March 8th I will be as part of Gilda's Laugh Fest I'm doing a theater in Grand Rapids, Michigan cool danceorder.com for all my dates hell yeah and check out the YouTube special it's climbing yeah just go watch me do stand-up I love doing it go see Dan in the Road Dan's got a great podcast as well right now oh yeah

Who's this? You. Oh, jeez. I'm picking up some casinos so I don't have to leave the baby for too long. He's in the car right now. Atlanta's Casino in Reno. Then I'm doing Nashville at the Ryman. Then Napa. Santa Barbara. Asheville. Bristol, Tennessee. New Brunswick. Ithaca. Rochester. Portchester. Albany. Burlington. Wausau. Wausau.

Wax on, wax off. Yeah, something we took from the Indians. Green Bay, Eugene, San Jose, and Mashantucket at the Great Cedar Showroom at Foxwoods. Hey, I'm doing the Flynn in Burlington, too. Hey, I've never done that one. Burlington rules. I do like Burlington. Burlington is great, and also they have the greatest sandwich shop in the world called Four Corners of the Earth. Oh, really? It's one guy.

Oh, really? And he makes all the sandwiches, and it's his thing. It's the greatest. I'm in. I'll see you there. All right, what do you got, Sammy? Sammy the Bull. When does this come out? Eight weeks. Let's don't roll down a little bit. Let's just say, yeah, we got...

February 11th, Tulsa, Austin, Dallas, Houston, Nola, Memphis, Knoxville, Nashville, Birmingham, Atlanta, Durham. Thank you, Mark. Then in March, we got New Haven, Providence, Portsmouth added a second there. Look at this.

Maine. We're going hard. Burlington, Vermont, Montreal, Toronto. Hey, we're all doing the Flynn. Yeah, baby. Buffalo, New York, Albany, Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids. It goes on and on. SamRoe.com. I'm coming everywhere, baby. This is crazy. This is March 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th. Yo, you know what's crazy? No break. On a tour bus, baby. Hell yeah. Go back to the March 8th thing. March 8th?

Are you in Portland, Maine? No, I think I'm right by you, though, on... Down by the bayou. Down by the bayou. March 9th, you're in Burlington. Let's hang. Oh, I'm not there till... Damn it, I'm not there. I'm not there. Damn it, I thought I was there like that weekend.

By the way, that's State Theater. Watch out. Those guys get hammered. Those Maine folk. We talked about this last time. I had a great one last time. Okay. Oh, that's hilarious. I'm not at the Flint till May. I thought May was March. I'm stupid. All good. Coming up. Then we got the West Coast. All through the West Coast I'm hitting. So samorell.com slash shows or just follow us all on Punch Up. PunchUp.live slash Dan Soder. PunchUp.live slash- Yeah. Shout out Punch Up. Yeah. PunchUp.live slash Samorell. Get tickets there and-

See Dan on tour, man. Hell yeah. Great to see you. I love you guys. Thanks for having me on. Thanks for coming in. Yep. Hope you can shit soon. Poop time. Meow. Next is Ben. I'm out to lunch here at noon. This woman does it.