Ep 222: Rosebud Baker & Rachel Feinstein
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We're here with Rosebud Baker, new special on Netflix. Check it out. The Motherlode. Yeah. Watch it with the wife. Before and after. Before and after. This is the first before and after in one, right? Yeah. You found a new... I heard Chris Rockwin say, like, a special should be like an iPhone. You need a new feature. And you did a new feature. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did. It was... You know, it's funny. Like, some people...

Really love it. Some people are like, I didn't know what the fuck was happening and I didn't... You know. And I'm like, I thought about putting...

ahead of it like hey you know like kind of explaining the premise but then i was like that's too on the nose and it also fucks with the comedy of it because it feels like it opens up like a true crime documentary right you know like i was like what would it look like if i were to and i was like that doesn't work they have to just figure it out you know you never addressed it i love that yeah i just um i mean i've just been doing promo kind of trying to say say it

I do think it helps people that don't naturally get it to understand that premise, but I don't think... Rosebud doesn't drink, by the way. Yeah, yeah. We'll put that here for Rachel. Oh, shit. Give that to Rachel. I would have absolutely taken a swig of that. But you've now eliminated another thing that a comic could do, so now the next one's got to be like, you know, I'm pregnant, but I'm not keeping it, and that's a second one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's...

yeah i don't i i kind of was really tossing it back and forth up until the very oh shit baby let's yeah i don't believe in that stuff so yeah the baby hey mazel i love the poster mazel to you yeah jesus christ oh leanne leanne morgan she's a good egg that's a yummy baby she is she's pretty fucking cute um

But I wasn't sure that I was going to do it right up until the end. Oh, yeah? Yeah. I was kind of like, I shot the second one and I was like, I don't think we need it. I don't think we need the back and forth. Like we could just use the second one. And the editor, Kelly Lyon, she sent me two different cuts. She was like, here's one with both and here's one just by itself. And I was like, damn, you did it so well that I'm like...

Now I don't fucking know what I want to do. She just told me, she was like, go with the one that's more interesting for you. I think it nailed it because it differentiates. Now you stand out. Some people go, I got to watch that. Do you save a lot of material doing it this way? Yeah. Interesting. For sure. I think I left like at least 35 minutes on the calendar. What? That's a ton. Yeah. All right.

All right. So I have something to go out on the road with. That's always the challenge with a special because I so often will just throw shit at the one. Like, I take everything. I don't care. That's what I do, too. Yeah. Everything I like, you cut. But then when you start the new hour with the shit you cut, you're like, I cut this because I didn't love it. I know. Right.

I know. That's true. Yeah. And I'm like, I don't even want to deal with that. Like, I don't want to go back to it. Wait a minute. Why aren't you at work? Oh, I am at work. I literally, I have my fucking setups in my bag. I like.

You're ducking out of SNL to be here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey! I'm honored. It'll be a funnier episode because- How was that SNL at 50 thing? That looked insane. Oh, yes. It was awesome. I mean, I literally had nothing to do with the writing of it. It was all like alumni and like the head writers. I just sat back and fucking went to the party, which was fantastic. Sure. It was awesome. I mean, Whoopi Goldberg was there. You got to lead with Whoopi. It's just the most-

was excited about whoopie i was really excited i met her once and she was i we were uh doing the msg benefit thing and uh we just like found each other together and they were like take a picture so we just to uh i put my arm around her and she goes you're gonna regret taking this picture with me really all right i like that i love it it made me laugh dude

It wasn't like I was going up to it going like, maybe Whoopi will be there. But I saw Whoopi and a part of me got really excited in a way that I wasn't kind of expecting. Remember that movie, Eddie, where she plays the Knicks coach? Yeah. And this is how low the bar was for Knicks fans back then. The ending was, they made the playoffs. It wasn't like they won the championship. They're like, we're in the playoffs. Oh, man. But she was, I mean, yeah. I mean, this is like every Knicks fan's dream. I mean, Ghost, she did a lot of great shit. Yeah. Oh, Ghost. She's in the Willis Reed jersey, too. I mean, that's old school. Yeah.

Yeah. So who else were you there? Was there anyone there? I mean, dude, I got in line at the check-in line. I was behind Meryl Streep and I, I just started doing laps around the building. Cause I was like, I, this is the, I'm in the wrong place. Right? Like it was like,

What is it? Imposter syndrome just led me around the building like four times before I went, oh, no, there's one check in line, you dumbass. And you just happened to be behind Meryl Streep. Wow, man. Did you say anything to her? No, no. I was like... Don't move, bitch. No, I was just like, I'm not supposed to be here. It was like...

The way I felt my first day in the building times a million. Oh, yeah. You know? But you know a lot of those people now, though. Yeah. I mean, I've met them, but I just. This is Bill Murray, Sandler, Paul Simon. Oh, look who's here. I can't believe it. Yeah. Wow. Rachel. Do we have any juice for this? Because Rachel can't do a tequila straight. Sit here, Rach. Here you go. Rachel, I like your outfit. You're lightweight. Really? Yeah. Did my sister help you? What's that? Did my sister help you? No, it's literally.

But we need the mic in his face.

Person who's been in comedy for 20 years. You need a mic on this. Make that 70. You guys are the poster children for bouncing back after pregnancy. Yeah. This is the most Rachel entrance of all time. Just throwing shit. A phone's ringing. I have a different outfit. I was like, okay, I'll get there and Rosebud will help me dress. Because Rosebud always looks impeccable. And I was like, I don't know what I'm doing. You both look great. Thank you. You too, Mark. Hey, I'll take it. Go back to the thing about best friends.

about bouncing back. Mark, you've really bounced back. Thank you. Thank you. Adjust my rack while you tell us how we bounced back again. I just did my C-section scar. Oh, yeah. Give her a little juice. She can't handle it. She can't handle a straight tequila. How dare you? Do you want it straight? No. I want the dumbest twat drink, like a mouthful. Hopefully this is good. No, a little more. I think she needs more than that. Yeah, come on. What do you take me for? This is pretty damn good tequila. It goes down easy. I haven't been divorced yet. Tell that to your outfit. That's funny.

as a divorced lady at the bar outfit. Rosebud was telling us about the SNL 50 party. Yeah. Who's who? Who was like the most crazy person to run into there?

I mean. Eddie Murph? I didn't run into Eddie Murphy. It was crazy to see him there. L.D.? Bill Murray. Oh, the king. Was definitely the one. That was a funny segment he did with the, he ranked the anchors. He sang Gloria on stage, like at the after party. And I saw that and I was like, okay, I can go home now. Yeah, that's kind of all you need. Gloria!

Oh, he made up with Chevy. They had a long time feud. Was that real? Oh, they had a feud. Because I know Bill Murray had the feud with Harold Ramis like till the deathbed. I'm like, dude, life's too short. You got to make up. Was anyone like tanked, but like slovenly tanked? You don't have to say who, but you know, were there some people you were- I mean, everybody was hammered. Like it was, you know, I don't-

I don't even know how much cocaine was like coursing through. Wow. Really? Throwback party. That's how they did it in the 70s, right? Yeah. Them good old days. It was a fucking good time. When's the last time you think Chevy Chase blew a line?

During community? I don't know. Probably. Keith was fucked up. He had a cane. You probably want to ask me about things over in Masbeth, Queens. The memory of Coin Store there. It's just picking off. Yeah, I mean, it's funny. To say there are some pretty rare baseball cards showing up. It's weird to go to something like that because you, you know...

Especially as a current writer, you're like, you just feel so beneath it, even though you're there. You feel like, this is, I'm not, I shouldn't be here, you know? Don't you feel better than a few of them? What? There's got to be a couple that you see where you're like, yeah. What do you mean? You're a great, you're... Like a couple comics? No, just like writer. I was just being... Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're definitely, your special also is hilarious, airtight, fucking brilliant special. Hey!

All the way through. I've not watched it yet. I've been on the road for 16 days. We watched Manhunter and Red Rock West. Those are classics. Those are old school. I would never watch either of those. They're classics. Hilarious. No, I was actually on the road once when some of those Sandler dates and we're at a dinner afterwards and Tim Meadows is there. All these people are there and Tim Meadows...

I don't know if I ever told you this, but he goes, there's this really funny new writer there, Rosebud Baker. Whoa! For real? Yeah. Oh, shit. I was like, oh, that's cool. That's awesome. That's really nice. Tim Meadows. That's awesome. Who doesn't like Tim Meadows? That makes me feel a lot better. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Every day that you go in that building, you feel a little less funny than the day that you walked in. You know what I mean? Because of the competition? What do you mean? I don't know. It's the competition or the fucking psychology of the place. I don't know. I just like...

If I was depending entirely, and I think this is why I've stayed focused on stand-up, because if I was depending entirely on that building to feel funny, I'd kill myself. Of course. I'd kill myself. Well, it's a theater energy in there. I took an improv class, and I felt so dark and weird compared to, they were normal and supportive, and I'm making crazy jokes. Mark's starting, Mark, give me a suggestion. The abortion clinic? Let's start a... Yeah, try that.

Yeah, they were not into it. Oh my God, it's dead. I would love to see marketing improv. Fascinating. Every experiment, he's supposed to shiver like an ice cream. He's just calling everyone a whore. Yes. And they have to yes and you. You should do that for your YouTube. Like just go do a fucking, do one. Yeah, they freaked out. I was not invited. You farting on other improv people. Yes and that, you queef. Yes.

I would love to see that. It took like a year to realize that you weren't just like an active prick, but that you were terribly awry. Yeah. Yeah. I was defending Mark early on. I was like, nah, you got to get to know. Sam kept explaining everything you said to me. Yeah, no. I get it now. You guys didn't like each other? No, they liked each other. I liked her. She didn't like me. No, no. I like. No, I love Mark. I just like there was the first few times before I got to know him better that I didn't understand Mark yet.

Right. So I was like, why is he saying things that are like violently, like were horrifying me? I didn't know him quite well enough to that point. So it was just sort of jarring. But then Sam was like, oh, no, that's just Mark. Like he'll go. He actually has no idea. Yeah. And then I and then I think you sent me that lovely text once. I'm like, I think I gently recommended you to a therapist. And you went. And then I.

I gently recommended. Clearly the text was like coached by Alan because it was like the nicest thing I've ever received. Like you were thanking me for being a kind friend. I was like, oh my God, that's all it took for me. My publicist wrote that. Rachel got me into therapy and I got Mark into therapy. And I haven't gone in a while. I haven't gone in six weeks. But it helped. Whoa. Yeah. Well, actually, up until last week. I did go last week. There you go. Because we got in a fight. Me and Esty got in a fight. Really? What? Yeah.

rosebud at the cellar was amazing we gotta stop wearing that free palestine flag in front of her it was i sort of got backed into a corner a little bit i felt like she wasn't doing it on purpose but she was she was like asking me it was the booker of the cellar yeah she was like she was saying that you know she never needed therapy she's fine everything's fine and she was kind of asking me like why i

needed it or what I got out of it and I answered and then that I guess that answer didn't like do it or she was she kind of asked me the same question again in a different way and I just was like you can't ask me that that's all I did I was like you just

Don't ask me that. Okay. Rosebud was kind of just like, don't ask people. Like, if I'm in therapy, like, I don't need to tell you why I need therapy. I don't need to tell you what I learned there. Yeah, that's fair. It was just so funny because I feel like we're complete opposite. And, like, I want to channel Rosebud in every way, like, at every moment of my life. Like, I just feel like you're just, like, boundary, boundary. Yes. And I'm just, like, giving people clothes out of my bag. And, like, I just, like, always feel like I'm... Let me grab that. But the way you're saying...

I remember when I first met Esty, I just kept trying to learn like players of the Yankees. You used to do that. Oh, yeah. We used to have to call in the veils of the cellar. It wasn't an email that you sent or a text or whatever. You have to call in. And Mark Soto would make fun of us. He goes, oh, did you just do your Esty voice? Yeah. We were sweeter. But Norman would go outside and be like, ah, go Yankees. Oh, man. Oh, that sucks. It's like.

an audition every week oh yeah i'm around friday saturday man the yankees are gonna win the pennant this year you were 50 years younger i'd fuck you somehow whatever i said about the yankees like sd would still find foul somehow yeah i tried to find the most generic broadest thing i could possibly say about the yankees and she would just like she could she could smell the stench of my lies on me you're like i'm doing this for you you old bag

Man, thank God Esty doesn't listen to podcasts. This is on the way up. I remember, though, one of the first times at the cellar, I was on the way upstairs, and Mark was like, yeah, I heard you stunk it up down there. Yeah.

And I had met you maybe once, and I was like, I thought I had a pretty good set. And you were like, oh boy, a lot of people are talking about your, in quotes, material. And they say you're trying your hand at this. This guy sounds great. He basically was like, I'm sorry, you little skirt that you thought you could, you know, you grow some tits. I remember getting off stage once and Mark going, good hair.

I was like, I'm going to kill myself in front of you. Now I'm getting compliments. I'm still giving out compliments. I'd kill for good hair. All this guy says to me is good set. I mean, and I had bombed. No, it was not a good set. All right, all right. It was not, you were right to just do the hair. It was like actually nice of you to say good hair. But it was also at the same time, I was like fucking awful. I was like, this is- I was looking for something. That was the only good thing on the set.

I know years ago, it must be like right when you pass the cellar. Yeah. Mark, we can cut this if you want. I just don't want this in here. But Mark, apparently you went up behind Esty and were doing like this. Oh, yeah. And Gary Goldman called me and he goes, is something wrong with that guy? I'm like, no, he just can't not make the joke. Yeah, do it. And he was like, oh, okay. He was like, didn't understand it. What's with these comedians? Who can't? We're fucking around. He wasn't offended. He thought you were a death wish.

He was like, what is he doing? Well, to me, you go after the most powerful person. That's the butt of the joke. No, no, I get it. I explained it. Now I understand. Thank you. Here's the thing. In the beginning when people first meet you, you'll say the thing. When did this turn into an intervention from Mark? What the hell is happening? I love you. We love you, Mark.

But in the beginning, it's like you'll say something that just annihilates somebody before you're close with them. And Sam explained to me that you don't know. I didn't know I was annihilating. And then so now I get it. I have never felt annihilated. All right. Thank you. I don't know if that means I have autism. Mark raped me. He fucking raped me. That's how he started the pod. I submit. I was like, I'll do the pod. He got me in a moment of weakness. I thought this was like, what?

like well known about Mark. The thing is people will zing me then I'll zing back and then they'll be like what the fuck where'd that come from? And I'm like oh I thought we were I think I go too hard maybe. Maybe yeah. On the back. But the intention is I do feel like your intention is always good and that's why we've never really fought. Right. I've been friends with Mark for

close to 20 years now and we we don't really fight no no we don't argue we're pretty rape we raped yeah we playfully raped yeah and we take turns you know it's important to share exactly yeah

No, after that text, I was like delighted because it would be a text even better because then I was like, oh, I thought this guy was a dick and now he loves me. This is fantastic. I loved you the whole time. No, he loved you. He always loved you. And then you became a dad and then we had that like connection. Yes, the bond. Now it's like we're thick as thieves. This is a fucking photo that you just pulled up. This is a fucking one. This is a...

Somebody took that of me outside of Colbert in 2016. This is an ad I got yesterday on StubHub. Where do they get these photos? This is crazy. It's a 10-year-old photo. This looks like you just got into real estate. It does, yeah. You look like the cousin of George Santos in this photo. Wild.

Oh my God. They do get like crazy. There's, I'm in a battle with someone on Wikipedia. What's happening? Pull it up. Sure. Of me. I tried to take it down again last night. I don't think it worked because I can't figure out Wikipedia. Who is that? Who is that?

Honestly. I look at this photo and I'm like, I don't know where it was taken. That's you? Yes. Oh, I thought that was a Down syndrome child. Wait, that is you? Yes. Wow. That is me. Man, who would impregnate that? I have to say,

Oh, I really thought that wasn't you. I thought it was me. It looks nothing like you. Somebody put that photo of me on Wikipedia and I keep going back and forth and trying to put a different photo up, but I can't figure out Wikipedia. Yeah, you're way hotter. That looks like you're like a slow, fun-loving cousin. You look like Amy Adams with downs here. I mean, this is, you're crushing it now, Rosebud. It's really,

really bad but I didn't even look that that bad even then you look like you're being propped up in that picture it really is like a skin suit photo I don't I'm not I don't appreciate whoever keeps putting this up I feel like and I think talking about it on this podcast is a surefire way to like just keep this going for no no no you have to get help though somebody will dm you and help you because I had the same problem with Wikipedia and somebody helped me because an ex-boyfriend played

My ex put on Wikipedia that I got my start juggling, and it was like... That's fun. Every morning show I did, they were like, oh, juggle. And it looked like I was ashamed of my juggling past. Right, right. Every time I did morning press, I had to bring oranges, and I was like, I don't juggle. At least you didn't have a juggling past. That's a real photo of me. That's true. She's got you there. You know what I'm saying? Well, you got hotter. That's why this is amazing. Brutal. Yeah, you look completely different. Yeah.

You look like you're being propped up there by like health workers or something. I feel like you've got like corrective eye surgery here. Make a wish. I look like frost side. I look like I have a lazy eye. Also, you look older there somehow. I know. It's bad. You look like somebody like rolled you over there and here you look insanely. Now, right now, you look insanely hot. I think that might have been while I was still drinking. Oh, that's what it is. That's it. It had to have been that. That'd be great if she took one sip of this and just went right back to that. I know. Yeah.

Just one. I know. When people are like, God, I wish I knew you when you were drinking. I'm like, you wouldn't have looked my way. You can see the booze in there. What were you like? I would love to hear you as a drinker. I was just really, ah! But you had

the baby. That's great. Do not, don't bring my baby into that. Sorry, that's fair. That's fair. No, you should have made a boundary. She doesn't want to be taken, but she doesn't want to be next to that woman. No, that's fair. No, no. Yeah, what were you like in your drinking days? I want to know your drinking personality. I was just like a really angry, which is psychotic because I look, I look like happier than in some way.

even though I do look simple. Simple, yes. Yeah, like I look happier in a retard kind of way, but I am not. Your baby's pointing and laughing. You look like country slow there. Yes. Country slow. Yeah. Like Cracker Barrel. Right. You look like you're saying cousin mommy told me to go to the store, the Cracker Barrel. Yeah, Mama June. You look like somebody that would come up after you.

up to you after one of your shows and be like, I usually hate women in comedy, but I love your humor. I think you're so funny. You're doing this at county fair. Women are so gross and yucky and scary, but you're fun. I sure do like me a tilt-a-whirl.

I look like someone whose eyes got crossed on the tilt-a-whirl. She does look like she's on a ride. I mean, it's a really sad photo. So would you get angry when you drank? No, I was a very angry drunk. It was like I would go out with every intention of having a good time, and by the end of the night, I'd ask someone what time it was, and they'd be like, I don't have a watch, and I'd just punch them in the face.

Wow. Like, it was crazy. Holy shit. What was your- Like, drawing blood, crazy. What? Yes. Liam Neeson. Fucked up shit. And I remember it started happening- A lot of fights? Towards the end of my drinking, where I would wake up the next day and somebody would be like, yeah, you assaulted our friend. Whoa.

What do you do? Just like, actually, that's a real story. I punched someone in the face because they didn't have their watch on them. I want to be that woman. Isn't that so hot to guys? Like a woman that just punches someone? No, it was not. To me, I think that's really sexy. I mean, part of me is like it's hot and the other part of me is like it's terrifying. Yeah. A woman who's unhinged is hot, but then you wake up with that and you're like, oh, fuck. No, it's really bad. It's like really, really bad. And I like look back on it and I'm like,

Like, I'm in touch with one of my exes that, like, while I was, like, bad drinking. And whenever he tells me a story, like, I'm like, don't, I don't want to know that. You know what I mean? He's don't, I don't even want to know. But also at the same time, I'm kind of like, on a comedy level, I'm like, tell me. Yeah. Because he's like,

he's the only person that I know that could fill me in on that entire chapter of my life. Like, I'm like, I was blacked out from like the moment I moved to New York until I quit drinking. Yeah, wow. So, yeah, he's like... Did you do like a lap of fun and then you'd start assaulting people? Because like most, I love alcoholics and most...

Most throbbing alcoholics that I've dated, usually the first lap is like life of the fucking party. And then the second lap is when they start rocking and glaring. Yeah, it was a lot of that. I was a lot of fun for a little while. And then it was like, what happened to her?

You know what I mean? And that's how people would just like, that's how you keep people in your life is you kind of like. Right. You're fun in the beginning. Yeah, you're fun in the beginning. I do love the drunk who just disappears. You know that one guy? Oh, yeah. He's so jealous of them. That was your dad. I mean.

I wish he drank. He'd have an excuse. He did that shit for Stone Cold Sober. Oh, damn. My favorite Sam dad story is that his dad told him, like, he's like, well, it all makes sense when you're 18, just open this, like, locker in Midtown or something. No, really? It's not decent born. You can't just leave a map in a locker. He left a note in a safety deposit box in the bank, and it was, like, two paragraphs, and it was like, ah.

That was it? Yeah. He had a wife who had previously died of cancer. He's like, I don't want another kid or a relationship. It's not like a scavenger hunt. No.

He made it seem like it was national treasure or something. But then, yeah, there was like a half-brother I had, and I was like, oh, I never met him. And they were like, I was like, oh, does he want to meet? He goes, you know, I floated it out there, and he didn't seem to be receptive. I was like, all right, never mind. No shit. So I just never met him. Apple doesn't fall far, I guess. So then you've got a brother out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A halfie. Dad, I never knew him. No, he's cousin. Oh, he's cousin. I only met him a few times, but he's a nice guy. Wow, so you never met the half-brother?

No, never met the half-boobers. Interesting. I met the other side of the family. They're nice people. Can we put a feeler out there to get them to call in? Nah, I don't want to do that. All right. Call in is lit. Call in. Call in. Only Mark would feel it. Let's go to a caller. By the way, it's only going to be prank calls. Yeah, it's going to be prank calls. Sam, I missed you so much. Ha ha ha, you fucking pussy. That's a good point.

Long time brother. You think he listens to this shit? No, but I was jealous, though, of those alcoholics that disappeared. Those ones are like cool. That's the one I live with. He would just be just dust on my birthday. We were just in Nashville and I got like a long letter from a member of that side of the family. Like a few days ago and they were like, we've been following your career.

We have this last name. Is there a last name? But it was like a long note and I got it right before I'm going on stage. I'm like, I can't. I'll read it later. I can't do it. Pull it up. But I was like, I can't. It's too much. It's crazy. Well, Tammy from Des Moines is on my screen, so let's go to the board. Dude, I just like...

it's weird to hear this that, you know, you were adopted, so like... Legally adopted. My mom. When people hear the word adopted, they think you're fucking like out of an orphanage, like Oliver Twist or something. Right, right, right. That's not how it was. Okay. But still, like, you're not in touch with family members, so it makes sense that there's like pieces that you would not know, right? Sure. But like...

I last year read this biography about my granddad and found out that my grandma didn't tell my dad and all of her, all of his brothers that she was dying. Right. None of them told them. So but she knew she was dying. So she told my now step grandmother that to give this note to her husband, right.

like my granddad and i didn't know that they even knew each other and i didn't know that like as i was reading this book i was like okay so she gave a note to her best friend to give to her husband after she died and as i'm reading it i'm going wait that's the name of my grandmother now and i didn't know like that they were best friends oh my god i had no clue until i read this biography i was like this is shit that you find out if you're adopted but i'm in this i've been

in this family my whole life and nobody has mentioned that. Interesting. It's so fucking weird how families like the shit that they keep to themselves. Oh, yeah. You just want to know on like a health level. I'm like, hey, what age did you get prostate cancer? I just want to know this. Oh, yeah. Little shit like that. Yeah. He had it and I just want to know. Yeah. Doctors will say, does it run in the family? Exactly. He ran in the family. Oh,

I'll tell you, he's all right. Yeah, I didn't know I had a schizophrenic aunt until after. Really? Yeah, yeah. I was like, I mean, you know, it's like Republican political. Yeah, they hold it down. Everybody's got a schizophrenic kid. Whenever I find a relative on, what's it called, 23andMe, I'll be like, you know, oh, so-and-so says they're your second cousin. And my mom's like, I think it's better not to respond. He's definitely a Republican. My husband's a Republican. Yeah.

She's like, we should just block him out. But yeah. Yeah. She says, which is like so funny because she's like supposed to be this open liberal. Like she doesn't even want to know members of her family at all. She's like, well, there's no sense in calling. He's registered Republican. She's her half brother, mom. Right.

He doesn't give a shit. It's basketball. Yeah, we got to get past some shit as a country. Yeah, that's crazy. Sam, didn't your dad skip town but stay in town? Yeah, well, Damien Lemon used to have a joke that I love where he goes, I had the type of dad that would leave the family but stay in the neighborhood. Wow.

I was like, wow, that's like fucking poetic, that joke. Yeah, he was, dude, he lived on like 55th and 1st. I mean, he was like right there. I mean, so, yeah, yeah. So I remember one Christmas I was with, you know, Scott Rogowski? Oh, I love Rogowski. He's an old friend of ours. He used to be the HQ trivia guy. Mark and I like knew him since we were like 20 or something. Micropenis. No, no, he doesn't. No, he doesn't. He had a bit about it. Mark's like. And you guys are like, whoa, easy on Mark. He had a bit about it. It's in his act. It's in his act. Oh.

I'm promoting his act. Are you trying to get him to pull up a picture of his... Thank you. Scott Rogowski. That's a Googler right there. What a Google bitch. 2015, my penis is below average length and girth. That's not even a joke attempt. What the hell are you doing? That's just a... It's actually a sad fact. I love Scott. Whatever. I don't know any of this stuff. But anyway, we were just hanging out. Penis small announcements.

I don't know. We were hanging out one day. We went to a Knicks game on Christmas and we were fucking hammered. I just remember being like in the nosebleeds with him. And Scott's like, I'm titty fucking this girl. And there's this mom and kid. She goes, sir, do you mind? We're like, sorry. Sorry. We're just bombed. We're very sorry. I love that.

And then like a minute later, he's like, so I'm fucking her up the ass. And she's like, sir. We're like, sorry. We're fucked up. What do you expect? It's a nosebleed. Do you mind? But then later that day, I was like, my biological dad just asked me to come over for Christmas. Do you want to be nice to have a buffer? Will you come with me? And he's like, yeah, let's go. So he's like the only person who ever met him. Oh, wow. So yeah, we went over there and like, you know, I love Scott. There he is. Now all he can see is the penis. I know. I know.

That's his nose. His picture is terrific. Like of all the pictures he could have chosen. Yeah. Although I feel, it feels like you bumped into him a lot, which I thought was really funny because they live in, both lived in the Upper West Side. Yeah, I'd see him, I'd see him in the neighborhood. I'd see him, I saw, I had the, well, he moved to artist housing when I was in the Upper West Side. Yeah. He's not an artist. It's a fucking scam. But his wife worked in the arts. But yeah, I saw him, I remember I'd see him and I'd be like, fuck, I just gotta like dodge. And he was old, so I'd be able to like dodge around. We were always on the phone.

like after he'd bump into his and it would always be like the most Jewish play like it would be like they're both grabbing the same can of fish at like Murray's or Murray's or something he'd be like oh I saw my dad at the Y I'm like oh my god I did he went to the fucking Y same Y how Jewish is that Upper West Side Y yeah oh really oh yeah we look exactly like that's like a scene from a

classic movie doing laps past your... Yeah. The Alan scene. Fun fact, my biological dad, micropenis. Like son. You know, he... What's his name? Arthur Elgort.

Wow. Oh, no, Bob Elgort. No, that's his brother. I'm drinking, dude. It's Bob Elgort. That's your dad's name? One time they both tried to climb onto the same elliptical. That's him in the top left. This? Yeah. This is from the 1930s. He's old. Let me see. He's 90. Wow, I can see it in the eyes. Damn. Yeah. Holy shit. I will say, Sammy, he looks rich. No, he's not. I just said he's an artist housing. Oh, yeah, you're right. Never mind. Oh, wow.

He's like one of the March Brothers. He looks like a hot con artist. I can totally see it. Yeah. He was. He will fuck you over. Yeah. He was like an ad man, like a mad man. Yeah, he was, but he blew it all. He's got a Buster Keaton thing, too. I've got breaking news. What? Bad? Oh, no.

Shut up. Whoa. Who did that? Matt Peters did it. Oh, my God. Can you change mine, too, please? Mine's problematic as well. Wait. What? By the way, Rachel, he's producing a podcast right now. How much more can I give him? Okay.

Wait a minute. Why didn't you pick a good picture? I like that. Are you happy? Yeah. That's a hot pick. This is great. Okay. Wow. Now the episode's going to come out and it'll go back. What? Probably, yeah. It doesn't still say that I got my start in the gritty downtown juggling city. I do look exactly like the Quasimodo, like the Hunchback of Notre Dame poster.

Oh, the old one, yeah. Yeah. No, I think it's fun to find old pictures where you look funny. It is. You know what I mean? I just... What's great about being a comic is the internet will humble you over and over. Oh, wow! Wait, Rach, this is not as bad, but I get what you're saying. It's not good. No, it feels like it was taken on a Blackberry. It's being like the old Yves film with a real gummy smile. Come on. Gummy. It's man Frank. Frank. Yuck. Yeah, at least put the one

I played Anne Frank on this. Oh yeah, that was good. Can you put like a better looking pic? Can you please swap that out? Yeah, get a hot one. I've been trying to do this for 10 years. Matt is amazing. Peters is a wizard. I'll tell you who doesn't have a spot. I'll tell you who doesn't have a baby penis, Matt Peters. He's just a fucking idiot.

I knew this would be a good hang. I had a good feeling about this. I got so excited when you said Rachel was. Oh, yeah. No, but you have to understand how fucking hilarious Rosebud Special is. It's killer. I'm going to watch. It's a fucking airtight, brilliant special. I'm bad about watching stand-up. That gay joke with the baby in New York. Oh, I like that. I saw that joke. I think I posted that joke. I love that joke. Thanks, dude. That was funny. Yeah.

Yeah, it's such a good... That's what all joke is, is like the perfect... You need that perfect analogy. And you're just like... You beat the audience to that analogy and you're like, oh, that's the joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was fun to like...

It's interesting because I felt like it was done after that first year. I was like, I think I got it. And then there was so much shit that like over the year, they just got cut down and then got added that I was able to do. I'm like, I'm so glad I did it the way that it always better to wait. It's just way better to wait. And I know there was like that pressure of like putting shit out all the time. But I really am like.

I waited five years, I think, to put this one out. Oh, wow. Since the last one. Wow, five years? I did too. And I think, like, I remember, like, four years in, I told Colin, I was like, I think I'm gonna quit. And he was like, not yet. And I was like, I walked, I went home that night. I'm like, what the fuck?

the fuck and but I'm like he was so correct right yes and I'm so glad he told me to wait yeah he's like it's not ready and no no comic is gonna tell you that that's why I love Colin because he's really he really cares and he's like no it's not ready and he was a hundred percent right but some comics Colin is a fucking great dude and a great comic and understands but I had a comic once told me to wait and it was my best special and

You know, so I think sometimes people were just like, no, maybe listen to any hack that's jealous of you. But Colin, well, it wasn't a hack, honestly. It was it was a good comic. But I think they were just like, well, maybe you're rushing it. I've rushed specials before. This wasn't one I rushed. Like we've all have rushed a special like it happens. The demand. But I think Louie fucked it up for a while for everyone. Yes. When Louie was putting out every year, year and a half. Yeah, he was doing that. He was like.

but not everyone should be doing that. - I don't think Louis fucked it up for that. I think they fucked it up for themselves thinking I can do. - I have his mind. - You know what I mean? Where they're like, I don't have the experience nor the skill, but I'm gonna do it exactly like he does it. And it's like,

Why? Well, it's like when everyone tried to emulate Jon Stewart and you're like, no, this guy was fucking locked in. Right. It just, same with Animal House. They just kept trying to remake Animal House. Yes. No, maybe Animal House was just really fucking good. Yeah, just let it go. Yeah. I don't like when they try to remake anything, personally. I mean, I'm like, if it was good, stop it.

I know. You better have a new spin. When they did a shot-for-shot remake of Psycho, I'm like, what's the talent here? Why? I agree. They added one thing. It was Vince Vaughn jacking off. That's the only thing they added to that movie. Well, they're just scared. They're cowards. They go, hey, this worked. Let's make money on the next thing, and it'll be the same. It's harder for them to make their money back. Yeah, you're right. Progressively harder for them to make their money back, so they're just counting on what they think is a solid thing. And to be honest, as far as...

movies go, it seems to be working for them. Well, the comic book shit, definitely. Yeah. No, but it's not working. Do you see that? Now it's starting to... Well, Brady Corbett, who made The Brutalist...

The guy said he made no money on the movie. It took three years of his life. I didn't love the movie, but it was impressive. The fact that he stretched this budget, it was under $10 million he shot it for. It looked like a $90 million movie. It did. It looked big. You saw it? I saw half of it. I fell asleep. First half is fucking great. Second half, he made some weird choices. The director, great hair. He has good hair, yeah. I see him.

But like, no, it has beautiful moments, but like there's some misses, but like the fact that he made no fucking money on this and he gave it three years of his life. Yeah. To me, it's like broken. Wait, is that the Rosebud photo? Yeah. The Rosebud photo?

Dude, that guy does kind of look like me if I was like a fat dude. Oh, shut up. No, seriously. You see that shit? The speech he gave about like, this shouldn't be, we shouldn't have to like have a second job as a director. Oh, yeah, yeah. When you're making like good movies too. Well, the internet's fucking everything up. The movie biz is up there. That's when you know you're lonely in your marriage where I want to see a picture of every man that's brought up. Like every time Sam's like, ooh, let me see.

I want Sean Baker. Sean Baker, Simon Rex, our buddy who was in your movie Red Rocket, told me you don't do podcasts. I hope this gets back to you because I want you on my fucking podcast. Simon Rex is lovely. I think your movie Enora was my favorite movie of last year. I fucking loved it. God, I was so annoyed with how much Andy wanted to watch that. It's a great movie. It's really great. I know it's a great movie, but I know he just wants to watch it because she's hot. And that fucking movie was just like, he brought it with us on Christmas break.

I was like, we're not watching Inora in my mom's house. So you can like, I'm going to talk to Andy about this. Yeah. She's not even that hot. She's hot. She like, yeah. Andy has a real thing. Oh, really? She's so good in the movie though. It's a great idea for like what your husband's thing. Like, well, I always know what he should have married. So if any woman looks like she could have been like a Catholic esthetician or something. Yeah.

This tequila's fucking good, man. He should have married a hot nurse from Long Island, so whenever I see a nurse, I'm just clocking her extra tight. This guy's a legit filmmaker, though. He's great. Florida Project, Red Rocket. He's the real deal. I think his stuff is a lot of- No skinny cock there. Let me tell you, a massive, massive- This guy's got a hard dick. Oh, yeah. Hard dick Sean Baker. Come on, we might be drunk, dude. He went on Jim and Sam, I think. Really? Let's fucking get him in here, man. I would love to get him. Hey, there we go. Oh. That's my Wikipedia. Stop.

ours what are we wow is that young simon dude don't don't do it x's out don't do simon like that he doesn't like that yeah that's our buddy come on i had to say it was scott for once and they were like don't ask he looks great he looks great but like we don't i don't want to be promoting his nude why do you wear a prosthetic in red rocket when he's got a decent he's got a nice hug yeah no i mean when i saw that in red rocket i was like

And then I heard you said it was a fake dick, and I was like, thank God. Yeah, yeah, good to be back. Yeah. And just like that, we're back in the game. Yeah, so you're excited. I think Gillis is on this week. Yeah. That'll be fun. I ran into McKeever and Becky in the hall. Oh, good eggs. Love that Becky. Yeah, it's always nice when stand-ups host. Yeah, for sure. Who is someone that you had a lot of fun with when they hosted? Chappelle. Sure.

Sure, sure. You know, Shane. We get more juice for her too. Last time Shane hosted. I mean, I was on the sketch side. So there's more interaction with the host when you're on the sketch side. Yeah. Um...

But I now I'm on update. So I'm just sort of like in a in a windowless room with like four other writers. And it's just like we're like siloed alone. And it's just us and our computers. And then we like turn around and shoot the shit with each other and then go back to our computers. That's more my speed. Yeah, it was. It's much, much better for me in terms of like the way my brain works. And just like, you know, even at the end of the week when it's more collaborative, you're just tagging each other's jokes. Yeah. Yeah.

Do you get burnt out on those topical jokes? Yeah, for sure. Sometimes just staring at a plane crash. What's funny about a plane crash? Yeah, yeah. You start to feel like a psychopath, you know? Yeah. Do you also... Is there ever a time when you pitch a joke and they're like, nah, and you're like, that's a good fucking joke. I'm taking that joke. Keep it. For sure, yeah. Yeah, there's plenty of them. I would think that we kind of like...

Interesting in a way because like every time, you know, it's kind of like stand up where like everything, every time I'm like wildly humiliated or I have some jarring, horrible interaction with somebody, I'm like, okay, great. Well, I'll just put in my act. Yeah, there you go. I wonder if it feels like that a little bit in the writer's room because it's such a terrifying writer's room where it's like, okay, well, I get that. Then I get that, you know, every time. It was more like that on the sketch side because it felt, because I felt so...

odd on that side of the table where it was like, I didn't know how to yes and. Comics are all like, no, but. That's the way that we interact. And then the sketch writers and improv, they're yes anding each other all day long. So the whole time I'm feeling like a freak. I'm just feeling like an absolute freak of nature, like ruining a dinner party every day at work. Yes. Now I feel normal. Now I feel like, okay, I'm with the psychopaths. Yes.

We know some of the other people who write that. Doesn't Casey do that as well? Casey writes... I like her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Her 9-11 joke is so funny. Oh, yeah. I love that joke. And then Josh Patton, Megan Callahan, Pete Schultz, and Dennis McNicholas. Are the hours as crazy? They're as crazy. Yeah, they're crazy. What about Che? You getting in there? I've known Che 20 years. I can't pierce the skin. That guy is a fucking... He's a rhino. He's a tank that's got the door shut. He's like a submarine. Let's talk about

Talk about Keith. Shay loves talking about Keith. Okay, okay. And I'm dead inside too, but Shay, I just...

Can't get in there. You're not dead inside. Well, you know what I mean. I feel like the same could be said of you. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. I find Shane to be pretty warm. But it's all who you ask. I feel like we've had a lot of those nights where we just fucking connect on shit. I mean, it's part of that I've known Mark for so long. But how many of those nights were at the subway station at 2 a.m. and I'm waiting for my train and Mark's just fucking waiting there and we're just shit talking people for like three hours. Sure. And we're just like, good vent.

See you tomorrow. Yeah. Fuck, those keep you going. Look how many, I've had so many nights. This is probably 10, 11 years ago or whatever. Fucking Bobcat, dude. Sometimes I feel like I can't get a read on the guy. On Che? Yeah. I feel like he's very easy to read. He's always been a fun hang to me. He's a great hang. Great hang. I gotta say, this is a peeve right now. No one's yes-ending Mark's fucking... Yeah. I'm with you. I love Che. I'm with you. I love Michael Che. I get what you're saying. I think he's a brilliant comedian. Brilliant. I have said that... Oh, look at us. We're babies here. Yeah. Yeah.

Holy shit. Let me see. Oh, I'm in the top left there. Back before women did comedy. All white men, except for Che and Damien. Yeah. I do think that Che is like...

I've described him as I'm like it feels like hugging a ghost if I come to you with like an emotional problem that's what I'm talking about but I just there's like people that you go to for that and then there's people you don't yeah right I feel like Sam is that you're the most satisfying person to go through like I feel like I do like a like a night time round up of my day where it's like what is Gary Springer's final pause to Sam and just like give all my complaints and I feel like you're very satisfying also because I feel like you have that like

just that New York Jew vibe where you complain just enough until you're done complaining. But it's all for a purpose. You want to stay in that space. It started out as a compliment. It's like an art form. It started as a compliment and then she called me a New York Jew who complained. He's a whiny bitch and it's tough. But no, I know you're kind of a nice

Rachel's the same way. She's a phone buddy for sure on the road. You have that friend you talk shit to. I love talking shit about clubs with Sam. I'll text you whenever I've had a really bad road gig. You need to get it out. And you'll respond with specific examples of places that were similar. We had a good one about Atlanta.

I didn't want to say it. Yeah. I've had great times there, but they did one time do to me. When you're younger, you're not selling enough tickets. They made you do the three shows on Saturday. And I remember selling out the two late ones and the early one they made me do for 12 people. And you really start the night in a rough tone. I had to do a show in Atlanta for five people. Wow. Five. And they were like, finish it up, bitch. Whoa. Get up there and dance. You want your full check? You get up there and dance for five people.

And I believe one of them worked there. Oh. Yeah, found Lisa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Damn. Damn. I did enjoy. Great diner, too. Great diner. The diner's great. There's no steaks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the diner. Yeah. I was like. You want a diner steak? No, I'm saying the low steaks. Oh, okay. Got it, got it.

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But they were fun. I mean, it was like one of those road gigs where you're like, this is insane what's happening, but I can appreciate it because I've left my body. Yes, exactly. Exactly. You're looking down at yourself, yelling at some dude. It's like literally laughing at myself from like above. You know what I mean? It's like De Niro outside that place was smacking the phone, finding out Joe Pesci got whacked. That's the fucking...

It's like an assault in a stairwell of a parking complex. You're like, I'm out of my body. This guy's having his way with me. I'll go up there. Yeah, I'm looking from above. Yeah, but laughing at myself. I've had fun there. I love Atlanta crowds. I really think they're great. They're great crowds. I love those crowds. I just did Atlanta on this run and I was like, man, that was one of the most fun crowds I've had.

I love it. I love the South. Tabernacle? I will say Nashville. I'm going to Nashville this week. I will say like Nashville's crowds are always really, really, really fun. Great comedy town. We had a great time. Taylor LeJuan from Busting with the Boys came out and we were making this dumb movie where we were shooting a dumb party scene with him and he was like so game to like make Gary snort fake lines and shit. He was so fun to hang out with. I mean, Nashville's the best. I love it. And the

fucked up the tour bus for a while. Sure, sure. But I love that you love the South. South gets a bad rap. I love the South. We have a good time. You haven't done the smaller room at Zany's, have you? It's brand new, right? I'm doing Zany's this weekend. Are you doing the newer room? I don't know. I don't know. I didn't even look. I just like read things on the way when the plane lands. It's really fucking good. Everybody

I forgot where I'm hurling myself to. I'm always just like, what? Who's picking me up? I just know some girl named Meredith is going to be there. Right, right. My mom yells at me for this and I'm like, hey, the car will be there. Yeah. It's going to work out. Every time I get on a plane, it feels so unnatural. So I just feel like

Like, stand-up feels like obviously the most natural thing, but hurling my body to an airport, I kind of have to disassociate like a child that's getting abused or something. I'm like, I'm going to go to a meadow where it's safe until I'm landing in Atlanta. Yes. Here, here, I zombie out. I feel like that's happened with everything in my life, though. Like, truly everything. Like, even having a kid. I was kind of like, I guess I'm doing this. You know what I mean? Yes. But that might be the most healthy attitude because you know what? You're more present.

Yeah. You're more present. Well, I'm too tired to form a new memory. So it's not like I'm present. I know, but if you're not planning ahead, I do think you're present. I think if you're not like thinking about everything that's coming next, you're like, this is going to happen. Well, I do feel like that's why I kind of relate to comedian moms a little bit more than some other moms because I feel like, or at least people like a little more like me. Because I'm like type A.

D like I'm the least type A person so I didn't read a single book about pregnancy like I was just like whatever I just had one like my dermatologist told me what to do and I was like okay she's like have a c-section I'm like alright yeah

one type A bitch to give me like a plan. Right. You know, and I feel like, and I, a lot of women get very like, I don't know, they just get like holier than thou around like birthing and stuff. And I'm just like, the rest of our lives is so exciting and compelling. Like, I don't care how my kid arrives, you know? Yeah. And that's why it was very satisfying like to talk to like Rosebud. That's why I loved your special so much because I just feel like

It's nice to talk to a mom that's like, also maybe a little darker. I feel like I overshare too fast. Yeah. Oh my God. Story of my life. Like I'm just like, I'm never going to be that. You start telling parents how you really feel and they start backing away slowly. And you're like, oh, I fucked this up. Yes. We're bonding. I always say too much too fast. Me too. Like they're just like, oh, we just started teething. And I'm like, I'm snacking on Xanax. Yeah.

Flip it. Flip it, Peters. I think our brain naturally goes to the craziest place. I know. And we have to dial it back for non-comedians all the time. Yeah, Mateo was saying that to me the other night because he's just like, I see the way that you and I interact with people and he's just like, that's not, we have to remember that's not what most people do. Like, I'm just like, should we take this to the sickest place? Okay, I feel better. You guys are giving me shit. This is why I'm jerking off on Esty. Mateo. I'm going to the

craziest place. That's all I was doing. Mateo is the best fucking person to be your neighbor. It's so fucking nice to have him in my building. He's a good egg. I love him so much. I really love him so much. Him screaming at his Italian aunts too is like nothing makes me laugh more than his Chicago family. At the TV together like no no watch hoarders put on

I also appreciate like just like the comedians in general, like when you have a kid, they don't care. And it's nice because they don't like for a while I was like, I'm lonely. And then I was like, oh, they just don't care because I'm still the same person to them. They didn't. None of them gave me that bullshit like him. I'm a mama.

They didn't do any of that. And I was so grateful for that because I didn't want to be treated like differently. Yes. You know what I mean? I know what you mean. It was almost a relief to be around narcissists because they didn't feel like they had to lower their voice an octave. I'm like, they don't even didn't even occur to them whether you slept last night or not, which is somehow appealing because you don't give a fuck. That's interesting. Yeah. That is interesting. Yeah. Yeah. I went to high school with a bunch of like mook, drunk kids.

psycho guys and they didn't care about anything and it was very they didn't ask you about your day or anything it was just get drunk black out fight each other whatever and it was a easier life those guys are weirdly non-judgmental yes you think of them as like judgmental but then you're like now these guys only care about getting drunk yeah well you say that until you cry in front of them then they're like get him yeah

But I've had comics meet my high school friends who are like, whoa, how do you hang out with those guys? It was easy. I have one that still hits me up all the time and he is like a complete psycho. There you go. His mom was a hoarder. They got like kicked out of their building. He's like a chess genius. So he was ranked number one in the country.

But he also was like a raging coke head. Is this your gambling friend? The one that gambles? Yeah. He's a gamble. Dude, he used to show up at shows and Phil Hanley would be like, this guy is incredible. And I'd be like, give it a couple hours. What the fuck's wrong with this guy? Seeing what's happened to the rich kids that I grew up with because they always had money. They didn't try to be anything because they had everything they needed. So I'll go home and I'll – like I remember going to pick up like a steak or something from like a steakhouse and my friend –

who I had gone to high school with comes around the corner in a waitress like outfit and she's got like this and she's on crutches and she's like Rosebud how's it going and I was like hey what happened she goes I fell off her

off a roof. You know what that reminds me of is Schumer's high school friend. You ever hang out with them? Like, he'd be on a private jet with Schumer or something and she'd be like, I'm going to bring my Long Island high school friend. One of the most fun girls you ever met. So fun, crazy, doing shots. They're all just like nurses with like the scratchiest voice you could ever hear in your life. Yeah, bad tattoos. They got like a... I'm like, how do you have

a burden when you just move straight to the state of Long Island and they seem like they've been around the world like three times. But it's the best, man. Those friends you grew up with, it's like, it's fucking so satisfying. Yeah. Because you do like, oh shit, this is...

Oh, totally. One of my friends, he bartends at the Cellar, Dan Hall. Oh, look at that. You know, he's at the- Oh, he's a great guy. He's my boy. I mean, we grew up together. I love him. I know. Mark in that photo. Those were the good old days. That is hilarious in that photo. But yeah, anytime somebody's at the Cellar like, this guy's toxic, I'm like, I grew up with a guy exactly like that and he was my best friend. Yeah.

Because the toxic guy's fucking funny. They're funny and they're fun and they do crazy shit. That's why I used to like to hang with the skaters in high school because the skaters were funny. They were like the dry, weird, checked out guys that may or may not commit suicide. Yes. But they got some edge. Yeah. And the toxic guy's more fun than the narc. 100%. People think you were...

The funniest thing about Mark is that in every picture, it looks like somebody photoshopped you in because you were on the road. That's Ben. Yeah, he was the woodsman. He'd do all the cool furniture. Woodworking. I like that guy a lot. Great guy. He's fun.

She married the wrong guy. Chris is cool. Chris is great. I love featuring. Oh, it's the best. I really love featuring. You didn't have to worry about promoting, selling tickets. You do 15 minutes of work and you live a rich person's lifestyle for the weekend. Oh, yeah. And then people come up and they go, oh, you should have been the headliner.

headliner and you're like yeah I know and then but you're like you're just living it up for like very little work and it's I mean it's I do think it's the best job in comedy featuring for a really successful comic I remember when I first started opening on the road and I would just be like

waiting like after just to see like is he gonna ask me again like oh yeah hack me again like just wait i check my texts all day yeah and then i remember getting off stage once and like the headliner being like oh you're a dirty bird meanwhile you're a dirty bird like one dirty joke yeah oh you're naughty little bitch you know

But it is kind of nice, I will say. Norton's like, if you had a dick, we could take this to the next level. But I don't know. That's an old-timey thing, no offense. But I remember those days where you had to audition for the headliner. You wanted him to like you, or you wanted her to like you. Every single one. Every one. It wasn't as much as auditioning, but it was like I would...

It was like I would... That was like my whole life. So I was just like, if he asks me to do another disgusting weekend for like 500 bucks, then, you know... That's a win. Oh my God. I remember being like, I hope Spanky Brown thinks I'm funny. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. I know, but you really did. Yeah. You really did. And like those fucking weekends made you a pro. Those weekends made you give a shit about...

Setting up the headliner, you know, it's not just about doing well, but you want them to be like this guy like gave me a good crowd I hadn't even done the road and then started featuring for Amy and then started headlining my own and I was like, oh, this is a fucking rude awakening Oh wrong way where like I should have been doing these shitty gigs then done that then gone back to the shitty gigs cuz like I

Once I was doing headlining gigs at these shitty clubs, I was like, this sucks ass. I didn't realize how fucking rough this was. Oh, yeah. You remember you think you have way more time than you do? Yeah. I thought being on the road and it sucking was like a myth and story comics were telling. Oh, no. And I got on the road and I was like...

Oh my God. Papered rooms. But I started so young that I was like, this is cool. Like I just being a hotel to me was fucking cool. Like I remember, I remember it took me a while. My mom would call and be like, this isn't the life you want. And I'm like, I think I'm too far in. Yeah. And we were young. We were young, but like, I think she,

I think she saw the writing on the wall, like, if this doesn't work, you are going to have a sad fucking life. Oh, yeah. And I was like, I know. Yeah. I don't need the reminder. Yeah. I have these thoughts. You'd see those headshots. I'm listening to Tom Waits. Right. You'd see those headshots in a club, and you're like, ooh, I'm scared of being that guy with the mullet, who's like kind of a draw in Nashville. And that's when they looked good. Yeah. Yeah, right. You know what I mean?

That was just the peak. That was the peak, yeah. I also feel like it's just a way different situation for a guy and a woman on the road. There's just such a throbbing loneliness to being a woman, a road woman. And all my time in the road, like in the years where a guy would just be crushing ass, I don't remember one man just even glancing at me. Oh, come on. Never, never, never. Now, this is a peeve.

People in comics always do this. They go, no guy ever hit on me, blah, blah, blah. And then one guy hits on you, you go, there's too many creeps in this club. Which one is it? No, I want them to. Are you kidding? Oh, come on. I want anything I can get. It's still there, damn it. That big fucking shiny forehead. Fuck you. Fix that. I want...

I want a Paris filter instead of that. I don't want to be a human being. Make me a Paris filter. I got a fucking peeve too. All right, hit me. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. No, go ahead. I just want to respond to Mark. No, we're not making it. At least I'm not making it. If Salicues hit on you at the Zanies in Nashville, you'd go, this fucking, it's hard being a woman. This weirdo's hitting on me. I would immediately be like, stick it in. But I would download that to continue my self-esteem. Okay, okay. Yeah.

I've had a few female headliners I work with were like, everybody here is hitting on me. I hate it. This sucks. And you're like, all right, I'll stop. And then they'll be like, no guy ever hits on me. And I'm like, you can't have it both ways. Here's what we're saying. Here's what we're saying is that based off of how well we just did, we think that we should be getting hit on more than we are. Got it. We're not saying no one ever hits on us. Okay. We're saying like...

This is crazy because I've seen male comics do worse than I just did and get pussy thrown at their fucking nose. You know what I mean? And we are... Our bar is lower too. Maybe. I'd go wheelchair lady. That's true. I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But listen, you get lonely enough... Wheelchair lady in some hotels. That's true. They don't have elevators. It's a whole thing. You know? It could be tough. I put a broomstick right in that wheel. She can't go anywhere. Oh my God.

I used to date this Russia guy and the mom would complain about when they first came to the country and she used to go, and then Marina, she had no friends. She was like friends with wheelchair people. Wheelchair people. That was like, she said it like with tears running down her face. She's like, that's how bad we have it. She has to like it.

fraternize with wheelchair kids. That's what it says on the parking spot. Wheelchair people. Goddamn. Man, that is hilarious. The Special Olympics is now called wheelchair people. I will say, being a single male road comic is fun. It was fun. And I totally get that not being a woman on the road is... Of course. There's definitely... I remember Ida Rodriguez, man. We were on a road gig years ago in like fucking...

I want to say like Puerto Rico or some shit. We were somewhere weird. I was hammered the whole fucking weekend. But I remember some guy came backstage and I was like, he was fucking with her. And I was like, I'll fucking kill you. I was totally bluffing, but I was like, I will fucking like leave her the fuck alone. And she told me a story on the road gig where like, she was like,

I had a guy once like try to break my door down and I was like, oh my God. Like you hear the shit women deal with on the road. You're like, yeah, it's fucking different. That sounds like a porno for us. That's never once happened to me. A man came into my room in Vegas. Like he started to open the door. Just go? No, it was the guy.

That's a deep cut. No one's going to get that. I said a man, a man. Not a lovely lady. Again, if JustGal hit on you on the road, you'd go, this fucking fuck. I mean, nothing would make me feel safer than JustGal hitting on me. All right.

And then just if I woke up in the dead of night and Jessica was like strumming a show tune on my bed. I can't remember like a single time that something that that something that creepy has happened. Oh, no, no, no. There was once. But it was a different kind of creepy. It was not sexual. It was a guy came up and was like, hey, Rosebud, can you sign this? And it was a book. And I was like, well, I haven't written a book. So I looked at it and I was like, what is this? And he was like, it's just a book. And I was like.

do you want me to sign a picture or something? And he was like, no, you can just do this. And I was like, no, I can do it just on a piece of paper for you or something. And he was like, no, I just wanted to get your signature in case something happens to you and Andy needs your signature. What? And I was like, what the fuck? And I was just like, yeah. And it wasn't...

It didn't feel sexual, but it did feel like you don't want to fuck me, but you might want to kill me. Right. That's worse. Yeah, I had to get a restraining order against this guy because he was making like... He was sending packages to this other Rachel Feinstein that he thought was me in Brooklyn with this weird dark but embarrassing fan fiction. It would be like, Rachel got off stage and her manager, Sylvia, looked at her taut ass and she turned around and waved. It was...

It was like an entire book. He sent her like a wedding ring.

Thinking it was you. Thinking that it was me. Got it. And then she reached out to me and she's like, hey, I filed a police report. I've been getting a lot of packages from somebody. She was so annoyed too. She wasn't, I wasn't like. The cops are like, this guy's a good writer. Yeah. This is good writing right here. No, I mean, he was like, I shouldn't talk about this probably, but like, yeah, no, he was in a trailer park and the cops just like knocked at his door. They were like, yes, you got to stop selling these packages. Yeah. He was doing a lot of, he was like painting me a lot. Like, but.

What? You had someone paint you? They weren't that flattering. He was like home-lish at best. He lived in the woods. Oh, that's bad. Was he painting that Eastville picture of you? No, not. Kind of a rough one there. You got

Thank you. But no, it was not. It wasn't good. I mean, it was very alarming. Yeah, it's bad. Yeah. No, I mean, I've never had anybody just come up and it's true, by the way, Mark, we're not making it up. Oh, no. But my point is the guy with the book that you're freaked out by, we would go, I think I'm in with this chick. Right. Because you wouldn't have a fear of getting murdered afterwards. That's the difference. The fear of getting murdered. Yes. Yeah. We don't have the murder fear. Well, he brought up that I might die.

You know what I mean? Yeah. It also wasn't like an unrealistic, like, just like, I wasn't like jumping to, he literally said like, just in case something happens to you. No, that's crazy. I was like, that's, I don't love that. Yeah, this guy wanted to make a shoot out of my skin probably. Like, I don't know. Like he was like painting and I mean, it wasn't good. He was living in the woods. Like he was throbbing with. How many acres on the woods? Yeah.

What are we looking at? How big was his compound? Right. By the way, like of all the people that like since I started dating Pete that have like there's been a few situations like that where a guy's been kind of alarming. And I'm like one time I got into a guy's car because he pretended like he was an Uber when I was leaving a club. Whoa. And I called Pete and I was like I don't know if this guy's the Uber. I'm just a little worried. And Pete was like I'm sure it'll be fine. I'm so bad.

I'm going to send you like, and it wasn't by the way, it, I convinced the guy to like, take me back, but it wasn't in any way at Uber. Like, it was a dude who was just trying to pick up chicks as a fake Uber driver. And, and he was like, sure, it'll be fine. And he took you home. He took me back to the,

back to the hotel. What I'm hearing is you got a free ride. That's all I'm hearing. I did get a free ride. Okay. Female privilege. To get in a car and be like, oh, this guy's not an Uber and I don't know whether or not, like, what did you? He was a guy that was like quaking with mental illness who was at my show earlier and wanted to be my Uber, which I still think is kind of flattering if you're out there. That's true. Because he didn't rate me and I just want to say thank you so much. That's so sweet.

Who has better adjectives than Rachel? Throbbing, quaking, wildly. Truly the best adjectives in comedy. Quaking mental illness. Yeah. That's wild. But no, I had a guy at the summer. Folming. She also said. That's by the way, that's a dark life. You're just waiting for chicks in a fake. That's like the plot of Bone Collector. Remember that movie? Denzel, Angelina. Is that how that was? Yeah. Guy just picks you up in a cab and he puts some gas in the backseat and fucking takes you and kills you. Not a great movie, but.

Angelina. Angelina. She was looking pretty good. I got a bone to collect. Yeah, buddy. A bone? Oh, yeah, you do. John Voight. Daughter. Weird.

It is weird. I know. I guess Jon Voight was a hot guy. He's a fucking midnight cowboy. You can see his face in her face. Yeah. It looks exactly like her. So it's almost like I can't see him as a man because I just see beautiful Angelina. That's probably how you stay hard while fucking her. I mean, don't come. I mean, you're just like, I'm going to fucking Jon Voight. Jon Voight. And you're like, all right, I lasted 20 minutes. That's her mother, right? That's her mom. Whoa, she's hot too. Wasn't she like a French actress? I don't know. I have no information. Yeah, she's beautiful. Yeah.

Dang. Angelina, man. You heard she, Brad Pitt, I think hit the kids. Yeah? Yeah. I did read that. You see? Yeah. You sound like a kid hitting an apologist right there, Sal. Doing the allegedly. That's the one I can see.

Yeah, we don't want to get sued. I saw that on like... Distancing. And a plane, right? Yeah, he beat her. He roughed her up a little. And the FBI had to come. And they were still like, I don't know about this lying bitch. The FBI was there. What the fuck? Yeah. Every time a woman tells a tale of any kind of abuse, they're just like, I don't know. You don't want him to be a bad guy, you know? I know. I like too many of his movies. So hot. Listen, you can still come to him. Oh, yeah. And I still will.

I did. He was the only man I've ever seen on screen where when he was on that rooftop in Hollywood, I was alone in that theater and I took a picture of the movie screen. Wow. Pull it up. Which is psychotic. No, when he was on like

That movie was so satisfying. Oh, yeah. I remember I saw it with Ari Shaffir and I remember we just like, we just left, went to his house. He's like, let's do a podcast about that movie. I was like, let's fucking do it. DiCaprio alone in that trailer. I loved it. Oh, I've been there. Oh, man. And this guy's like, what, 54 here or something like that? Yeah, he's like 54 or something. I...

I remember seeing this and just going, good God. I get angry when I see a guy that's that hot because I just feel like a dirty Jew and I'm like, he would never want to fucking, he wouldn't want anything to do with a Rachel Feinstein. That's true, especially that Wikipedia pic. That makes me want to name like Rosebud Baker. Rosebud Baker is a fucking, that's a hot name. That's a good name. It's like a mean,

name yeah nice gentile not a whisper but you know what i grew up with people just called me bud so that's like how i got the personality interesting you know how about how about brad pitt and troy that was fucking crazy i never saw troy it's not great but he's he's achilles and he's just you guys didn't let that play long enough or slow enough

Yeah, see, like when I would see a guy like that that was that hot, though, I would imagine when I even when I would fantasize about him, I would give him some kind of ailment or something so that I could make him want me. So I'd be like, oh, he has to have some sort of gangrenous disease. I mean, look at this fucking dude on his last legs. See that? I don't know who I'm more attracted to him or Rose Byrne. This is crazy. Oh, yeah. Rose Byrne. Rose Byrne's hot. I mean, he's shredded. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I don't like wet, long hair on men. And then when I start thinking about him screaming at me on the plane and shaking me a little, I'm like, okay. Come on. Now I'm in it to win it. Yeah, why'd she call the FBI on that? Why'd he hit his kids? Did they say why? I think they made fun of Troy. He shoved him down. It wasn't a punch situation. Oh my God, look at what he used to do. Allegedly. You are an apologist, aren't you? Yeah. What are you doing to Charlie? He loves BP. I love it.

Here's my take on Woody Allen. He shook her a little bit, but she was not alive. I think his girlfriend now is a big hebe. If I'm not correct. I think his kid said the N-word or something. I think she's Israeli. Pull up as his girlfriend. He's dating Inez something. She's not a hebe. Oh, damn. Sorry. She's like Inez something or other. You want a Jew in there? I was hoping. She's like a hot Latina architect. Oh, you're right. You're right. What about Amal Clooney?

What about her? Is she a hebe? No, you're just saying that because of her nose, you fucking racist. She's hot. She is hot. I mean, she's in my top five. She's not in your top five. Easily. I love when you got Scarlett Johan. Oh, she's gorgeous. Very attractive lady. Stunning. Do you remember how mad people were that he was with her?

What? Really? Yeah, when they first got together, they were like, why the fuck would he go? Because she was like a lawyer. They were upset that he went with a really intelligent woman with a career. Public service announcement. Clooney, you're on Broadway. We're clearly fans of yours. I've fucking quoted out of sight on this podcast many times. Come on the fucking pod. We'll promote Good Night and Good Luck. Love the movie. Clooney, I know you're hearing us here. Love your wife.

He loves your wife. He wants to have sex with your wife. That's their sales pitch. You need to come on the show. Do you know actress Jewish people? Oh, Gal Gadot. No, not Jewish. These are amazing. No, we need Clooney on here. I think that's a good ep. Oh, of course. Of course. Come on, that's classic. That's classic. Come on, Clooney. You did Marin. We're fucking comics. He probably drinks the most man's man of drinks. What do you think? He has a tequila. He's Casamigos. Yeah. But I think he would like Bodega Cat. Yeah, you better believe it.

Come on. Hey, we're kind of like you. We're following your footsteps. So you want to talk to the younger versions of the, you know, we got bodega. You guys are buying a villa in Lake Cologne. Oh no, we're liquor salesmen. We're doing that. We're not saying we're like Cologne. We're the Timu of those two guys. We are. Timu's fucking flattering at that point. I'll take Timu. I'll take Timu anything. Who was that like, Rob?

Randy Gerber. Yeah, he looks like he'd be a wild one to drink with. Who's Gerber? Is that Randy Gerber? Yeah, I think so. Who's Randy Gerber? He is Cindy Crawford. Whoa. Damn. He looks like he would tie one on in a fucking... Yeah, like we'll hang out. We'll wife swap. It'll be great. It'll be cool. This is some real Gentile shit right here. Just a couple of men out there on hogs. But Clooney would like us. Clooney, it's out there. It's out there now. Clooney.

Clooney seems like the kind of guy that would go to like an all-man's barbershop. Like he would just go and get, you know, and he would have a job with the guys and have a whiskey. Get the head shave or the neck shave. You guys go to barbershops? I do. Don't they all go to barbershops? I guess they all do. Don't all men go to barbershops? My guy says weird shit, man. I might need a change. It's tough. I've always been so jealous that men have the barbershop. He just makes fucked up jokes and then starts laughing to himself. And I'm like, I don't like this energy. That sounds great.

But they're not good jokes. Ah, okay. My dentist does that. It's like disgusting. Really? What is he doing? It's like my mouth is open and I feel, I just feel like I'm getting- Drilled? Violated right now. You're getting drilled by a dude? Yeah, I'm just like, but with bad jokes. Yeah. It's like really terrible. No, I get it. You have to take a laugh. Yeah. It's a lot of work. You're like, ha ha, that's sharp. Sure. Yeah, my dentist has bad breath, which is weird.

Who does? My dentist. I'm like, you got horrible breath, but that's your thing. You should say, it's like a barber with a fucking bad head. I've gotten the fucking bald ponytail barber. I'm like, you don't know well enough to cut that shit? I know. This is your whole bag. Yeah. Find me a photo of a Jew on a motorcycle. I don't think I've ever seen it. Jew on a motorcycle. That doesn't exist. There's no way. Or NFL. Or a Jew operating a fuse box. Let's see a Jew at a fuse box. Yes.

At like four in the morning. Jew in a motorcycle is... I told you he'd be Israeli. What did I say? He's posing.

That's not really with his wife. Israelis are built differently. They are. They're like fucking... Because I think of military and how I'd not be cut out for the military. My back! But then you see those, I'm like, oh, fuck, I have allergies. Any of you guys have Clarendon D? This gun is heavy. Frankie still remembers when I would talk to Sam at night and she did an impression of me talking to Sam once when she was playing with her dolls. She was like...

Don't worry, Sam. It's not your back. It's just anxiety. Oh. Wait till you see. Are you for real? Yes. She goes, don't worry. She's fast asleep. She can't hear anything we say right now. I was so horrified because I'm like, she's heard all my conversations with Sam. She can't hear anything we say. My pussy's so wet right now. She's like, what?

Yeah, she goes, it's not your back, it's anxiety. Wow, that's adorable. No, she's getting really funny. She's like, did you see that video where she talked to me all about God? Like, she asked me all about God and Pete was fully worthless. Yeah. She's like, can I see a picture of God? Like, she woke me up at like five in the morning and Pete was like, yeah, I wouldn't worry about it. Let's just play Hungry Hippos. I'm like, how did he...

How did she, did you tell her about God? He goes, well, she asked me how I was born. And I said, God and an angel, which is the fucking laziest answer ever. God and an angel had sex? That's vague. And she says some angels. She goes, daddy said I came here because of God and some angel, which almost sounds like some whore. By the way. Yeah. It does sound like some whore. He's a New Yorker. That's the answer you're giving like Birmingham, Alabama. It was an angel. Yeah, but they're pretty close to each other. You know what I mean? Oh.

Interesting. They're kind of close. One is said with a different accent. You're right. That's such a good insight. It's kind of like Long Island and Jersey are the same thing. Yeah. I mean, anywhere outside of a major city. Yeah, he's a repressed Catholic. Of course that's what he said. God and some angel. Yeah.

What are you looking up? God and some angel. It really does feel like... Salacuse, you've lost control of Google here. What are you doing? What is this shit? I was looking for a Mexican guy with the name Angel. Tattoo. All right. This guy's lost his fucking mojo. I lost it when I looked up Jew fixing an electrical box for you. You're not going to find it. Nothing came up. There would never be a picture. Yeah, it did not come up. My dad cannot operate a fuse box. He doesn't even know what it is. He looks at it like somebody from the 60s looking at an IBM computer. Is Andy Jewish? No.

Is Andy not good at fixing shit? He's okay. He's not like...

He's not terrible at it, but I would pick hiring someone. Yeah, TaskRabbit. I would choose to hire someone just so that it doesn't. Can you fix stuff, Mark? I only can because I worked as a porter for years because I couldn't get a job anywhere else. Wow, I didn't know this shit. You didn't know that? So I had to learn everything on the fly. They'd be like, go fix the fuse box. And I was like, oh, okay. And I would Google the shit out of it and then I would have to fix it. And then the lights in the skyscraper go, ooh. Where were you a porter? That's fascinating. At a high rise in Midtown East.

Oh, shit. I dated a porter. Oh, really? Yes, because I was a nanny at this building on the Upper East Side. And you met the porter? I think I just thought he was flirting with me and he was just helping me to the car. I was like, oh, he's obviously hitting on me. But then I was like, he likes me. And then, yeah, I dated him for a little while. Hey. Yeah, Upper East Side. There you go. 86th and York. I never dated.

I've never dated anybody that I met in the wild like that. - Really? - What? - Yeah, I never. - Where do you meet people? - I have a very unapproachable energy. It's what I've come to understand. - There's a hard edge. - I'm very unapproachable, even on dates with men that have told me, where I don't know if I'm on a date or not,

What's going on? Like, I'll be like, what's, why am I here? Are you trying to sleep with me? I just need to know if you're trying to. I feel the same way. So that I know how to act. Right. You know what I mean? I say the same thing. I'm like, this dick ain't free. I mean, you gotta fucking, come on. I just need to know what the deal is, you know? Like, I feel. Well, the problem is they go up in Wikipedia you and then. Oh my God. She's a Bible thug. You have a lot of bad, you have a lot of bad first dates? Um, no, I mean, I,

Not really. Like, I've had first dates where I'm like, I don't want to see you again. But I wouldn't call them, like, really terrible. How did you meet guys? Like, online? I would always meet them on, like, apps. Yeah, apps work. They work. But I kind of... They work. I was like, damn, I wish I had met, like... I mean, I met my husband in the wild, but I didn't... Yeah, comedy. You know what I mean? It's not really the same. Didn't you meet at Dan's wedding?

No, we met before that. I mean, Dan's wedding was like when we hit it off. And then I was like on the way home from there and I was like,

Were we just at a wedding and that's like why I'm feeling like I couldn't quite figure out if I liked him or not. And then a few like a week later, I was like, I still want to hang out with him again. And I was like, oh, that's I think there's something there. Something's going on there. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that wedding. That was fun. And then he proposed to you. Like, what do you do when you propose? Well, I had a moment with him where I was like.

listen, we should fuck other people because I'm trying to get married again. I want to get married. You said that? Yeah. That's a shocking thing to say. I know. Because I didn't think he wanted to get married. Yeah. I was like, I want to get married. I'm looking for a husband. You're a comic. You've been married before. I imagine you're not trying to get married again. So we should probably fuck other people. Whoa. I like that. But I was like, I just couldn't do the...

You know, pretending like I didn't care about getting married and all the fucking bullshit. Yeah, good for you. That's cool. Enough of that. And what did he say to this? He was like, I would think about getting married again. And he's like, I don't want to fuck other people. Wow. And I was like, oh, okay, well...

All right. You know, so then we're like dating. This is so not romantic. No, it was not romantic at all. It was like, but it's so unromantic that it's kind of romantic. Yeah. I like it. I think it's, I like how straightforward it is. I also assume like, I was like, I told Pete, I was like, you should probably just drive me out to the woods. Like some cat you failed to domesticate or something. Like, let me, there's this guy I want to meet in the woods. He's doing paintings of me.

I want to see this dude. He's a really talented artist. What do you mean? You want him to get rid of you? What are you talking about? I just thought there's no way this...

like Catholic fireman wants to marry me. Like I'm like, he's like, he should marry some fucking nurse named Gina or like a hairstylist in Jersey. You know, he's not going to want to like settle down. And I also wanted to get married. Like I, I very monogamous. I always wanted to get married. And so I was just like, don't dick me around here. Like you're, you're going to waste my time. So I was like, yeah, drive me out. I told him that direct. I was like, it's like some fucking cat. You failed to domesticate. Let me back out in the wild.

And I think he said something that was not romantic, but he was just kind of like, no, I don't want to drive you to the wall. He's like, I think we'll keep going. It was like the vaguest non-compliment. I love it. Keep going. Let's just keep going. Let's just keep going. Yeah. Well, Rachel, it sounds like you need to go where the deer and antelope prey.

Check out Nick Offerman's new book on paperbacks, wherever you can find them. I can't wait to have a book just so I can do gags like that. I love that guy. He's hilarious. He's awesome. He's a fucking man. Now that's a marriage. Him and Megan Mullally. Yeah, they're doing it. How long have they been married?

Who knows, but I bet they have wild, rough sex. Didn't you see that? I love that guy. Look at her. She's hot. Yeah, she is hot. She's very attractive. And he's a cool fucking dude. Yeah, you can tell they fuck. Look how they pose. Oh, yeah. Married since 2003. Hey. That's an incredible Hollywood marriage. Yeah. That's rare. That's a long run. Man, I was watching the other night. I just was like, I pulled my fucking back out so bad when I got back on the road. And I'm laying down. I was like.

I haven't seen Eyes Wide Shut in a while. I just threw it on. That movie was made, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman are having marital difficulties and Stanley Kubrick's like, I'm going to cast them as a couple who's having marital difficulty. And,

And it's great. You're watching them. And she has this long monologue about how she wants to fuck this marine or whatever. This sailor. This sailor. And Tom Cruise just sits there and takes it. And it's this dark fucking movie. Yikes. It's pretty damn... I wouldn't say it's a perfect movie, but it's pretty fucking entertaining. It's very entertaining. And it bombed. It bombed horribly. I've watched that movie multiple times. And apparently...

Roger Avery was saying on Rogan he was like that movie was supposed to be about like child molestation And they changed it because the studio was like we're not making this because he like complained to the studio four days before he died And then he just died and yeah, we'll make this what we want to make it, but it's still pretty fucking good. It's good. You ever see this photo

What's that? It's Nicole Kidman. Dissociating from her marriage. Yeah. And you can just tell that he hates that she's smoking. Yeah. He's a health nut. I mean, apparently he wouldn't allow alcohol on Top Gun. He's like, no, really. He wants everyone in tip-top shape. You see that Adderall clip that's going around of him? You know what? It bothers me because a lot of people are posting like Tom Cruise was right. Was he? Pull it up. I took Adderall when I was a kid. It fucking helped me turn my grades around. Me too. I got it.

I was like failing until I started taking out. Really? It's the classic clip where he's calling Matt whatever his name from the Today Show. Lauer. Lauer, Glib. And it's like, fine, you make some fair points, but also like, I've done the research. You're a fucking actor, bro. I know you're like probably you commit like crazy to your work, so I'm sure he goes hard with this other stuff, but-

You're not a scientist. Doing your research now is code for I found something I agreed with and I stopped looking. You know what I mean? I've done some research, but also it's like Lauer I thought handled it all right, where he's like, look, I'm not saying I know this, but I'm saying I've seen cases where this works. I'm a case where it worked. You're a case where it worked. Maybe you don't fucking know every kid's story. I mean, I just think it's one of those moments where people are like, man, Tom Cruise called it.

No, we all just like Tom Cruise. He's a good fucking actor. I don't know if he called anything here. Is this when we was prancing around the couch pretending to like pussy or something? It's a similar era. By the way, he's in Scientology. What are we fucking talking about? They have dirt on him. They have dirt on everybody. He's gay. No one has left Scientology unscathed in a pleasant situation where they're like, yeah, we had an amicable split. Will Smith had a good run. I was told Richard Gere, the story...

Same Richard Gere. The gerbil. The gerbil's back, baby. That's a six-week callback. Because he left Scientology. Yeah. He was in Scientology, left, and they're like, we're going to fucking destroy you. That's what I'm talking about. So if you want to talk about the pharmaceutical industry, I'll admit they're fucking evil. But those drugs helped me when I was a kid. And they develop habits if you use them right. And guess what, Richard Gere?

This thing didn't hurt you more than Scientology did, did it? This little fucking gerbil. But I think the problem is... Little fucking adorable gerbil. That smells like shit. Shit gerbil. Oh, jeez. Like Trump and Elon's toes. One shot and this guy will fucking... I've had a couple cat shots. Come on.

But I think his point is we shouldn't just throw drugs at a kid. You know, like, hey, we should try to solve the problem. Yeah. I'm not saying he's right or wrong, but I do hate when these actors go on these tirades. Like when Jim Carrey did the vaccine tirade, you're like, just stick to acting, you queef. We don't care about your tight t-shirt. Yeah, when people are like, you know...

Look. Nathan McIntosh had the funniest thing about Jim Carrey that I do agree with, where he was like, everybody's talking about how Jim Carrey's a fucking whack job and how he's like, shut up. And they're like, he's crazy now. And he's like, oh, you think he was more sane when he was opening his asshole up and talking with it? That's a good point. He's more sane than he's ever been. Nathan's got great jokes. Check out McIntosh. Yeah.

Yeah. Great hang, too. Nathan's so fun. Good hang. Yeah, he's great. I love... He and I... By the way, if Jim Carrey were in this room right now, not one of us wouldn't fucking run up and hug him. Of course. We all love... He's a genius. I fucking love Tom Cruise, too. I'm just saying, like, people sucking him off for that tirade, it's like, come on. Yeah. All it takes for me is just one compliment from a Nazi, and I'm sitting on his lap. Yeah. Sure. Hey, Goebbels, if he called me funny, I'd be like, hey, this guy's all right. Goebbels, Goebbels. Goebbels, Goebbels.

Good gerbils really seems to care. But gerbils are fast. This

This tequila is fucking good. What is this? It's very good. It's smooth as hell. What is that? Patron El Alto. Goddamn. That looks like some guy's high school cologne. A lot of cologne. Jamie, the bartender, we love you for sending us. J-Mo. It's delicious. Thank you, Poppy. Thank you for all you do. Thank you. She is Puerto Rican. Should we wrap this up? Let's wrap it up. Plug new special on. Motherload.

Motherload on Netflix. The special is unbelievable. I'm going to watch it. Go check it out. I'm sorry I'm behind on shit. My fucking website is like, I just don't even. So much better. It's all blank. It's still Whiskey Fist. No, the show's, oh shit, I don't know why those are blank. That should be. Well, I do my own website, so I'll fix that. Yay!

That's what I was looking for. Check up her website. We'll get it fixed by the time this is out. That is a different person. Her friends are going to wheel her to a town near you. Rachel Feinstein, we're going to be coming. Oh, I love it. Hey, you can see the bottom of the labia. Who does your website, Rach? I don't know. I can't even remember, honestly. A man in the woods. A guy named Sam that emailed me. If you guys have somebody that does your website, please tell Sam that you do. But you should use the punch-up page now. Yeah, punch-up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You're at Vermont Comedy Club, Mabubi's Joke House, Comedy Mothership in Austin, Mic Drop Comedy in San Diego, Mic Drop Comedy in Plano, Texas, and the Arlington Cinema and Draft House. Go see Rachel Feinstein on the road. Go to her website for tickets. And Rachel's got a Netflix special out there. Yeah, check out Rachel's hilarious Netflix special. It's called Big Guy. Big Guy. When is this out?

Yeah, the 9th tonight, I'm in Burlington, Vermont. I'm sure I didn't sell that out. Maybe I will. It's a big venue. Montreal, Toronto, Buffalo, Albany, Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, Iowa, St. Louis, Missouri, can't wait. Kansas City, a lot of barbecue on this trip. Minneapolis, Phoenix, couple nights in Phoenix. Then we got San Diego, Sacramento, SF, the Masonic, I can't wait. Added a late show in Portland on a Monday, so you better fucking help me out.

Seattle, the Moore Theater, my favorite theater. And a late show in Vancouver, Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake. And then we got Denver, Colorado at the Paramount. Can't wait. Fuck yeah. Samrell.com slash shows. Follow us on Punch Up. Hello, Chicago.

Put it on Punch-Up. Put it on Punch-Up. Reno, Nevada, two shows, Nashville at the Rhyme, and Napa, Santa Barbara, Hatchville, Bristol, New Brunswick, Ithaca, Reykjavik. We're going to the UK, folks. Come on out. Glasgow, Birmingham, Bristol, London, you name it. Rochester, Portchester, Albany, all the toothless towns.

Wausau, Green Bay, oh, Eugene, San Jose. I got invited to the Nike store in- It's overrated. Oh, really? It's overrated. Okay. It's not as good as- They bill it up like it's going to be something amazing. It's fine. Hey, it's free shit. I'll take it. It's not free. What? It's discounted. I'm not going. You can get free shit. Fuck it. We're canceling the whole gig. Cancel it. Las Vegas, Akron, Dayton. Oh, we're in September. This is crazy. I'll be dead by then. We'll see you all in hell. Praise God. Can I say-

Let's get some dates from Rosebud. I just want to look him up. So you want to see Rosebud on the road? Sorry, just kill time for a second while I look him up. We'll kill time for a second. All right, pull up Rosebud's phone. For all you soldiers out there at sea, we're thinking about all you all. We got Bodega Cat Whiskey, bodegacatwhiskey.com. We're at a lot of new places right now. We're crushing. There's Jodie Foster on drugs. Jodie Foster and the accused. And...

Damn it. I don't know where they are. All right, you know what? I won't do this to people. Rosebud's special is called Motherload. It's amazing. Just watch the special and then go to my website. And we love you all. Thank you for listening. Watch Rachel and Rosebud's stuff. We love them both. Hell yeah. I was pumped for this episode and it did not disappoint. Oh, killer rep. Love it. What a great hang. And send Rachel paintings and nudes and send and get Rosebud to sign your book of dead people. Yes.

We love you. See you next week, guys. Thanks. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye. Bye.