Ep 223: The Cold Open with Phil Hanley
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Oh, you. I'm just kidding. Oh, he does this every day. No, I don't. You got to join me, dude. Come on. You. Oh, God. I can't fit. You got a 69. Come on. The ball sack. The sack.

Brokeback cold plunge. Ow, cramping. Get down here, brother. My C-section scar. What's the timer? 40 seconds. 40 seconds. This is nothing. Get your body in there, man. I can't breathe. This is brutal. You're a f***ing dude. This is not that cold. Jesus Christ.

This is freezing! Alright, do the line read. What's the line? Get a cold punch! The line is... I didn't know Mark was this big of a gaping hole, but here he is. The cold, I can't do the cold. The cold punch is great. It's like 48, it's not even that bad, dude. I feel like Matthew Perry. I feel like Whitney Houston. I'm dying in here. This is crazy. Give me some ketamine. Mark, come on. This is nothing. My legs.

10 more seconds? Yep. What? You can do it! I mean, this isn't bad. Ah, my legs, they don't work. I'm like Austin Pistorius. Yeah, this is... I expected better from Mark. This is a pretty... There's no room. It's like my first apartment. So, were you going after me? Sure. Really? Wow, we got the video. I look like I have trauma from Katrina. I can't be around water.

Alright, you ready to rock? I'm in. I just had one. I'm a piece of shit. I'm a piece of shit. We're rolling? Wait a minute, where's those coffees? Oh, I thought we said we're not doing coffees because we're drinking. Oh, I thought you already bought them. Oh no, I thought it was either or.

I feel like the caffeine or the booze. I'm not a big mix the booze. Oh, my. The Rizzler? This is tough because we had a guest cancel on us today. This is my peeve. I wrote to this person. They said, you never confirmed. So then I pull up a screenshot. I hate doing the screenshot. I love it. But I did it. Pull it up. And it said, this date? Yep, I'm in. And I wrote, confirmed.

What did they write right before that? You never confirmed. Didn't they write... Hey, Harry, you never called. Didn't they write, let me know when it's confirmed, and then you wrote confirmed? Yes. Okay. No, I didn't say let me know when it's confirmed. They said this date, I'm in, and I wrote confirmed. That's a confirm. That's a confirm. You can't confirm more than confirm. And then they said, okay, I'm sorry, but it's a peeve.

Of course. Mark and I aren't here a lot. It's hard to schedule these. Well, how long ago was that? How long ago before this? It was a few weeks ago. All right, all right. And this person said there should have been a confirmation.

after the confirmation. So right before the thing, we still on. But it's like for me, it's like, no, it's in the calendar. It's confirmed. That's a confer. I mean, this is a Larry David moment. It is a Larry David moment. Completely. But I think I'm in the right. You're completely in the right. You're real confirmed. That's up to her to put in the calendar. We can't hold your hand for every date you have. You were at an appointment. Was that confirmed every day till the day of? No. You write it down. But then here's the question. Are we like a dental office?

Because they do write the confirmation the day before, and I'm going against myself. But it annoys me when you make a restaurant reservation on, like, Resi or OpenTable, and they're like, are you still in? Press 1 to confirm. I'm like, oh, fuck, you had to scramble to, you know, press 1. Yeah. You're in. But I'm like, I said I was in a day ago. Right, right. But they do it now. On Resi, if you don't show up, they charge you 50 bucks. That's... I get it. You're holding a table. I guess so. If it's, like, a weekend and it's a... I think that's fair. But, you know...

Yeah, we're not a dental office. We're not a dental podcast. Or a gyno. No, but I think, yeah, you can only do so much. You're an adult. You got to put your shit in the date book. Got to put it in the date book. Yes, a planner. Get yourself a Palm Pilot, sister. A Palm Pilot. Remember Dope Wars? Dope Wars? That was a game on a Palm Pilot. Oh, no, I never had one. You want to grab your dad's Palm Pilot, and then you'd be like, let me download this. And it's just a game where you sell drugs. Ha ha.

It's like the Sims for bad kids. Right, right. I never knew Dope War. That's a dark game for a bomb pilot. Like, what's acid going for in Harlem? Yeah.

I'm in like fifth grade. My mom had a palm pilot. That was a hot ticket item. She was like Elon Musk walking around with that thing in the 90s. It was like pre-Blackberry. Right, right. Remember Blackberries? Of course. The ball, the wheel. It was like the little golden T on there. It was pretty cool. The little clit. I liked that clit. I loved it. I could find it. It's nice to have one you can see. Yeah. That clit actually did something. No hood on it.

The hood. The clitoral hood. You learn a lot as you get older. They never tell you about the hood when you're a kid. Never, David Tell? Ah, the clit under a hood, like a little racist. By the way, is the cues on mic? Because I read 78 comments about it. I love it. I've got a producer, a Google bitch over there. He's talking a mile a minute, and we can't even hear what he's saying. Really? Yeah, so get the guy a little...

As much as I hate to say it, get this man a microphone. All right, well, I'm going to take advantage. We need a scoop for this, too, for the ice. I sent this rider. Wow, my burps are not as good as yours. That was solid. That was a good burp. It was a bad burp. Sorry, what were you saying? I found a Frank Sinatra rider from the 50s or 60s. You sent me this. This is extensive. Oh, I can't wait. This makes me feel like not a diva. Oh, boy. What year? Oh.

Based on the color TV, I would guess early 60s. Early 60s, okay. You want to read these, Mark? Can you read them? Color TV. We got to move these. Upright piano for the dressing room. Private telephone with dedicated line. One bottle each of vodka, gin, Jack, white wine, Chivas Regal, red wine, and Cavazier. Hey!

It's a lot. Thank you. That is a lot. That's a lot. I mean, upright piano? What a psycho. I love number 11, which was two tuna sandwiches crossed out to be two ham sandwiches. Interesting. I might have overpoured here, dude. I apologize in advance. Well, you know, it's afternoon.

Twelve rolls of cherry Lifesavers. Wow. Only cherry. To me, that's the most annoying part of the whole thing. Yeah. Do they sell them as just cherry? They must have, yeah. They must have back then, because that's the worst part, if you have to pick them apart. Yeah. Twelve boxes of Luden's cough drops. Jeez. One bag of mini Tootsie Rolls.

A bowl of pretzels and chips, salt and pepper, tea bags, honey, lemon, lime, sugar. It is funny that he's like a tough guy who's like smacking women around. He's like, don't forget my Tootsie Rolls. Yeah, right. Check out number 35. I like this one. 35. We're on a carton of camels. Yeah, no filter. This should be a show. Seeing the pimple-faced nerd going out to get all this. The intern who's like, Frank Sinatra. It's like grocery games, but if you don't deliver, you get fucking beat up by the mob. Yeah, you get hit with a whiskey glass.

Six hand doves. Mine? I got the bodega cat whiskey in there. Gotta have that. I got a fruit plate. This was when I was doing clubs hard. A fruit plate and a veggie plate. Get some healthy food. I need some hummus. I do the same. I got some nuts.

I used to have some fucking natty wine in there. Just because you get hangover free. Yeah, it's natural. It's nice. I'm trying to think what else. Oh, I got the fixings from Manhattan. So I got vermouth. Nice. I got the cherries. And I got the, man, this might be a photo finish. I might have made this. This is a classy rider you got here. You're like Dean Martin. What do you got?

All I have is a veggie plate, almonds, bodega cat. That's it? That's it. That's a fucking boring rider. Yeah. You had a better rider when you were opening for Schumer. You had like beef jerky in there. Well, she was footing the bill and I didn't feel as guilty when it's me. They're going to go talk shit later. But with her, they talked about her. So I was okay with it.

Look at that. Making a cocktail in a robe in the middle of the day in Manhattan. Now that's living, baby. We're doing all right. Yeah. You got to up that rider game. I'm not going crazy, but yeah, a lot of it's honestly, a lot of it's got pushed up because of Eater.

When you're in the theater, you know, you kind of order dinner and stuff. In the club, it used to be hard back in the day. You couldn't get a healthy fucking... I don't want to have wings for... You eat that for years on the road, and at a certain point, you're like, I don't want to eat this shit anymore. Can I give you one from Stavi's? Please. Two roasted chickens. Two! Two. You know, they say those are bad for you. What? I eat those all the time. Look it up, but it's in a plastic bag. There's all these reasons it's not good for you. Look, I didn't retain any of these. I just...

See an Instagram video and I'm like, and then I looked it up and then I was like, I don't remember. I get one every time I go. And I pop that iron dome right off there. You know what's annoying? This is my peeve. Those fucking tampon strings on the rotisserie that are tying everything up. You try to get a good pull of a chicken leg and it's lynched up with a twine. I hate that twine. I do love a good rotisserie chicken too. Oh, no, go ahead. Well, the pro move is...

You take that thing, you flip it over, and you eat the bottom first. The bottom's where all the flavor is. You eat ass? Yes, I'm eating chicken, poultry, pussy. Remember when every open mic comic had a bit about eating ass? Oh, that was huge. Every comic, they'd be like, I eat ass. And you'd be like, I don't want to know that. I don't give a shit. I don't want to say this because I'm sure 900 comics are going to hear it and go, fuck, I have that bit. But I heard this bit.

You don't do Coke, but you eat ass? You don't drink Coca-Cola, but you eat ass? Everything was, you don't do this, but you eat ass. 800 comics had that formula. But it would probably kill every time. It crushed. It crushed. Yeah, that's why they did it. I don't eat gluten, but you eat ass?

You know, in retrospect, not a bad point, though. No, it's a great point. The first person who wrote it had something, and then every other comic. There you go. I can't remember who it was, but they're talking about like... Ooh, that's a perfect looking Boulevardier. That's why I'm doing this, because we have Phil Hanley coming in. He's a big Negroni guy. Said he didn't want a drink. We heard it through his reps, I guess. But then I text him, and he said, no, I'll have a drink.

And he's a big Negroni guy. Boulevardier is just whiskey in place of Negroni. It's whiskey, sweet vermouth, and Campari equal parts. So it's a good cocktail. I would put it over Negroni for my personal taste. Wow. My personal taste. Because of the bodega cat, that's why. Yeah. What do you got, Sally? I was going to say that Phil has people.

Yeah. We all have people. What do you mean? I don't know. He knows you really well. Why would he have to have people to get on the show? That's true. Because, you know, we're busy and Peters was dealing with them. I don't know. Yeah, but they don't seem like they're in sync. These Phil people. They're never. Are they ever in sync? Yeah. I feel like whoever's repping us always makes us sound more difficult than we are. That's true. That's true. But you need that. Yeah. You know, because we don't want to be the bad guy.

Yeah, you don't want to be a bad guy. But also, we're not bad. I mean, I'm pretty easy usually. Same, same. My rider, you heard it. You're easier than me. I also got a crew. I got a few people with me in there. They all want to picket stuff, you know. Right, right. That's true. Well, that's nice of you. I got coffee in there too, actually. Coffee's big.

You used to not drink coffee. That's true. 33, I made it. Until 33. It's fucking insane. I was drinking coffee in like seventh grade. Wow. Man, I pictured you with a black coffee, those New York blue cups with the Greek on them. I got those like glasses at home. Really? I love those things. Oh, that's cool. Pull those up. Those ceramic-y, not ceramic, but they're like paper. That's it. I love those. There's nothing more New York than that cup. I love those. Yeah, I got those at home, man. Are those still around? Yeah.

Watch the whole TikTok about it. They went out and then a company brought them back in 2015. Hell yeah. There's a spot in the East Village called Abraco and they serve, that's like really, really good coffee and they serve them out of there and it's one of those places, I think it's Big Nabo when it opened, it was one of those like, you know, curly haired Italian guys, old guy with great curly hair

gray hair yeah and he would just open when he felt like it which was so annoying because you're like I want a coffee but he'd be like yeah I feel like we're going to like 12 to 3 today and I'd be like okay but I don't know when you're gonna we don't know when but he didn't give a shit and it worked not caring works I know it's so true every guy who didn't care gets laid it's true you know and then every guy's like what is she like he's getting nothing he's dry as a bone twiddling the fingers doesn't help either come on come on tell me about her pussy

There's a dumpling place in Chinatown, four dumplings for a dollar, but they'll just close when they run out. So they'll just run out. Four for a dollar? Oh, yeah. It's the best deal in town. That's incredible. What are they, pork? What are we talking? Pork, yeah. And there's a line out the door every single time. Even the biggest vegetarian will kind of clamp up in the city when there's a deal.

Oh, yeah. How about the frog legs in the window? You pass those windows, you see the ducks. It is a little... It is aggressive. Oh, the skin ducks, the red, yeah. That's true. You walk through Chinatown, you're like, it's a culture clash. Oh, yeah. Chinatown is eating Little Italy alive, by the way. You seeing this? Little Italy used to be here, and then Chinatown was here, and now Chinatown is slowly... The Chinese, they're better at everything. Yeah.

They're just, they're killing the wops. They're eating them alive and then they're hungry again 30 minutes later. Yeah, I mean, I think Chinatown is just morphing. Little Italy used to go all the way up to Houston. What's the significant, oh, the movie Chinatown. I'm such an idiot. Oh, nicely done. I'm a dumbass. Chinatown, Jake. But, yeah, look at those. I mean, it looks delicious, though. Another bed at a Peking. God, it's fucking good. Crispy skin. Ooh.

You know what I love are those, uh, bao, those little white fluffy bread. The dumpling things? Shrimp toast? No, no, no. It's like a fluffy bread that you clamp onto a meat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a bao. I think it's bao. Yeah. B-O-I, maybe? A bao bun, I think it's called. Bao bun. B-O-B-A-O. Oh, I love a bao bun. What?

Yes, it's like a puffy pussy. It does. Look at that. We should stop saying taco. We should start calling it a bao bun. Yeah. Look at that. I mean, taco's not a great. That's true. No woman wants to. Pink taco. Nice taco. Man, that's a good taco. You know what my lady calls it? The dolphin smile. Wow. Why? She's got a real zipped up.

Organized, tight clam. Really? Give me just a dolphin. There it is. That's it on the left. So she's saying she has a great vagina. Yes, it's tight and it's sealed up. It's not all wacky like a sail at a car lot, that fucking inflatable thing. You hear guys brag about their dick, but you rarely hear women say, I got a great pussy. She's very into her vagina. Yeah. As am I.

You should be. I guess so, yeah. Yeah, that would suck if you're like, her pussy stinks. And what's fun about her vagina is I've seen it more than she has. Really? Well, yeah, because a woman can't get down there. I guess, yeah, I don't know why I said really. That makes more sense. Yeah, I've seen it a million times, and she's seen it maybe twice, three. A good vagina is so important. I've definitely, like, you have those one-night stands where you have a real bad one. Oh, yeah.

What's a bad one? Not... Flappy, floppy. Not sanitary either. It was a bad smell once, and I was too embarrassed to say anything, so I just ate it. It's like sending the food back, but the chef would be really offended. Right, right. You can't do it. Can't do it. It sucked. But yeah, you're face-to-face with that thing, so you want it to be somewhat attractive. There's definitely a moment when you're down there and you're like, phew.

Yes, for sure. Where do you stand on hairy muff? I don't mind a worked a hard day Don Draper 5 o'clock. Sometimes I'll put a cigarette in it. But I don't love the full bush. Full bush, it feels aggressive. Yeah. It's like I could have guessed you were for a woman's right to choose. You didn't need to rub it in. Right, right, yeah. I mean, if your vagina looks like the top of my head, I'm out. Yeah, if it looks like Tommy Chong's hair.

We got a problem. Yeah, but I don't mind a little stubble. I like a little stubble or a little fluff on the top, like a little Hitler on top. I'm cool with that. Yeah.

How about like armpit hair? What do you stand on? I know I'm an asshole, but I just don't like it. I can't do it. See, women are allowed to not like things like my wife would be like ponytail on a guy. Fuck that. If I ever met a guy with a ponytail, I'd kick him down the stairs. But I feel like if a guy goes, hey, armpit hair is fucking gross. Everybody's like, you're an asshole. Oh, and I'm aware of my body hair is a situation. I know it's bad. But you're a male.

But see, that's the problem. Right. We're like, I don't like this. And I'm like, but I just, I got some hair up here. I got the Captain America fucking shoulder hair. Oh, wow. Damn. You know, it's not great. Yeah. But yeah, the armpit hair is tough. But she's like, if I see a guy with jewelry, if I see a guy with a ponytail, if I see a guy with like...

I don't know, too tight of a jean, she's out. A lot of actors do the ponytail. Yeah. You see Leo do it for a while, Orlando Bloom. I feel like some of those guys were just getting so much pussy, they were just like, let me do a heat check. Right, right. Let me see if I'm still getting ass with this ponytail. And they do. They clean up. And they're like, fuck it, I'll cut it. Yeah, the man bun. Every guy who gets a man bun, women make fun of them, but that guy gets tons of gash. Yeah, and you know they could probably play guitar.

Yeah, and maybe surf or woodworking. Look at these all-hot guys. Man Bun, Man Bun, Man Bun, Steven Seagal. Steven Seagal is one hot dude. Man, Seagal movies are just, they're not good. No, but they're so bad, they're fun. Pull up a classic one. I would say he's the original Andrew Tate.

Because he's like, I'm the shit. I'm awesome. Everybody wants to be me. I can kick anyone's ass. I'm the coolest guy. He has zero humility, this guy. And he eventually had to leave America. Yeah. Potato's back, they say, right? Oh, is that right? That's what they're saying. Well, there you go. We'll get him on here.

Did you watch the Oscars? I did watch them. I thought Conan was unbelievable. Conan's always the best. He's just the best. He's a great guy. That Drake halftime joke was so good. So good. And I love the Lithgow thing. I love the shoot where you're like, no one else would do this but Conan. And the worm from Dune. And he goes, this is a showbiz thing. You spend that kind of money, you got to use it twice. I love that. I love Conan. Me too.

Yeah, he's the best. I thought it was fun. I felt like it wasn't as queefy as the rest of them. Yeah, until Adrian Brody spoke. I didn't make it that far. Oh, my God. Longest acceptance speech ever. Like five minutes plus. It was almost as long as The Brutalist. Was that fucking... No. It was a really good tweet. What was it? Oh, I don't remember, but it was something along those lines. Yeah, it needs an intermission or something. Yeah, the speech needs an intermission. No, but he...

Yeah, he, there's, it was like everything people hate about actors. Yeah. Is what he did in the speech. It didn't, he didn't say anything, but he just was like, I'm going to keep going. It's like, it reminds you like, you're really good. Yeah. When you have a script. Right.

Right, right. When you're writing it, there's a reason there isn't any screenplay by Adrian Brody things out there. Yeah. But Shalamu. He should have won, I think. He was upset. You could tell he was visibly upset. This is the same thing with Demi Moore. But I thought Shalamu should have won the Oscar. I thought he was awesome. Somebody had a good tweet. Demi Moore lost to a hotter, younger woman. And they're like, this is the plot. This is the substance. Did you see the substance? I have not. You heard my story. Yeah.

Yeah, it's kind of fucked up, right? Oh, look at Kylie. Man, she is like a cartoon woman. Yeah. Huge cans, nice face, big hips, small waist.

That's like the Kardashian way. Yeah, but how do you go from, what is it, Travis Scott? Was that who she was with? Yeah. The blackest man on the planet to this little twink dressed as Curious George. I think sometimes you overcorrect. Ah, yes. I remember Jim Jefferies had a bit about how he dated a girl whose ex was Michael Phelps, and he's like, can you imagine fucking the greatest athlete in the world and then me? So true. Overcorrect. I think you got something there. We all do it.

You think? Oh, I think it also... You've been pretty consistent. I think I'm all over the map, honestly. I think you also, when something goes wrong, you're like, look, as you get older, I think you get better at this, and you kind of are like, I'm going to rule this out. I'm going to rule that out. But then when you're... I think she's still young. I think you're kind of like...

This was an extreme choice. I'm going the other way. And he is maybe one of the hotter actors in show business right now. So no matter what he looks like, you're still dating one of the... He's like the Leo of our time. He's crushing it. Crushing it. And he's good. Do you like that movie? I liked it. I thought it was okay, and I talked to him. You ever have that where you see a movie, and you're like, yeah, it's pretty good. Then you talk to somebody, and you're like...

Maybe it was great. Oh, you thought it was great? Yeah. Yeah. I had some analysis for Mark. What's your analysis? It's just that he was involved in like two different love triangles, one with two men and one with two women. And the stories paralleled each other. I was telling him how great the writing was. What do you think?

I thought some of the dialogue was not great, but great director, love James Mangold. It looked so good. It looked beautiful. And he was incredible, man. And the woman who played Joan Baez was amazing. I've never seen her in anything. Monica. She was great. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Dude, he nailed it. It's one of those things where you're like, oh yeah, I love Bob Dylan's songs. Me too. You're just watching a biopic and even if they're bad, you're like, like people hate the Queen one, but just watching Rami Malek do Bohemian Rhapsody, all these songs, you're kind of like,

It's kind of cool. That Live Aid scene was unbelievable. The fact that they recreated that so perfectly, it was incredible. It's like, I'll watch someone do bad karaoke. So when you see someone fucking crush it with high production value, there's worse ways to spend your time. I saw the Elton John movie. I thought that guy was pretty incredible. That guy was great. Rocket Man. I mean, it is usually... At least this wasn't the totally traditional...

that they all follow where it was like, okay, it was unique. It was like about being a folk artist versus being, you know, doing whatever you want to do. I think it's a little weird to go into Electric Thing because it's like he had everything and this is kind of all they had. And he's like, I'm going to fucking do what I want to do.

And I also get the other part of me is like, that's rock and roll, man. Yeah. Sometimes you got to do what you want. So I kind of go back and forth where it's like, we didn't have to do this there. You just did it to kind of be a dick. Right. But also like getting...

You get to this level because you do whatever the fuck you want. Right. And that's, I don't know. I get you. What do you think of that? I felt the same way when I went from a toothbrush to an oral B. I went from acoustic to, okay. But remember David Tell's joke? He goes, what do you like, man? I'm a vibrator. She goes, I go fingers. He goes, mmm, acoustic. Acoustic. Acoustic. But yeah, I thought it was good. That's how I felt with the vacuum glide. I was like, I'm still good jerking off with my, did you fuck the vacuum glide, Matt? No.

That's a yes. Nah. Was it amazing? I didn't fuck it. Well, then what happened to it? It's in the store room somewhere. What? We thought you were going to take it. Oh, give it to Hanley. All right. We got to give it to someone. I mean, it's so... For those of you who don't know, the VacuGlide is a $1,000 dick-sucking device. Is it $1,000? It's $1,000. And...

Yeah, I know. And Mark and I, to protect our friendship since they only sent one, we decided to neither take it. Yeah, I mean, for $1,000, you could get 10 hookers. 10 hookers? Where are you getting hookers? Wait a minute. How much is a hooker these days? $100 for a hooker? Yeah! What is this, $19.22? Go down to AC. Get a couple of skeevy pockmarked weirdos. Yeah, you don't need to play my shit. No, but, you know, VacuGlide. That was a good bit. So we...

I thought we gave it to you because someone could enjoy the greatest blowjob ever.

You'll fuck it tonight and report back? Full review. Let us live vicariously. Remember at the end of Ebert's life when he was missing his jaw? And people were like, I feel bad eating in front of you. And he's like, no, eat for me. Fuck this thing for us. Report back. Was that from dick sucking? How'd he hurt his jaw? All right. Sorry. That was too far.

Putting it in there might feel as good as a vacuum glide. That's true. That thing's loose and wet. No bones anymore. Look at those lips. You'd see your dick come out the side, I think. Oh, no. That was a tough, tough ending. Poor guy. Great doc. Great writer, too. Yeah, he was. Anytime I watch an old movie, if he has a review on it, I'll read it after the movie. Me too. Because he's so good. I do the same thing. Because he'll say shit that you don't realize.

you that you feel yeah oh wow you articulated that in a way i never like like maybe i would have someday figured that out but like he's so good at breaking down yeah he was a little harsh at times too there's some stuff where you're like oh easy ebert you don't have to say that i disagree with him a lot on comedies yes that's kind of where i'm kind of like he could trash a comedy be like no i think it's funny but then sometimes he would like he loved booty call he'd occasionally like when we'd be like damn i didn't see that coming that's hilarious yeah there you go there you go yeah as the wife

Pull up that scene. Remember that scene in Booty Call? This is like 90s comedy where you could get away with shit that they just don't do anymore. The two deli guys, you got to lick it before you stick it. This is the scene where I'm like, this would never... You got to love the 90s for just doing insane shit like this. Well, boy, did they. This movie had some moments. You got to skip it a little. Yeah, a little further. Yeah.

What the fuck is this? I don't remember this part. When you realize this movie had an insane budget, too. Yeah, this is a big budget picture. This definitely isn't it. It must be way before this. I bet this cleaned up at the box office. God, Jamie Foxx has been around a while, huh? Oh, yeah. Living Color. They were on together, those two. Speaking of... No, it's this and this. It's another one. Whatever. Speaking of overcorrection, Katie Holmes was dating Tom Cruise and then went to Jamie Foxx. Talk about ultimate correct. That's crazy. Color correct.

But yeah, yeah, she uh, I watched her make out with him at the backstage of Jimmy Fallon. You watched it? Yeah! Did he tape it? I drew it, I taped it, I filmed it, I audio recorded, and I tried to join in. That is definitely a white guy on the right there, isn't it? That's a Jewish guy, for sure. Alright, alright, what's so funny?

This is the 90s. You got to lick it before you kick it. You got to make it soften right before you stick it. Hey, hey.

Someone wrote that in the script. Yeah, and they had to audition for that. You got to lick it. No, no, go browner. More ethnic. The 90s were a good time. They were great. Hey, what's up, dude? How are you? Come on. Sit down, sit down. We figured for you, because you're a Negroni guy, we made boulevardier. Oh, that's beautiful. Yeah. Don't mind the robes. Hey, I mind the robes.

Don't ask. We did a cold plunge before. I heard, because I said when I got in here, I was like, do I have to sit beside Norman wearing that? And he goes, yeah, they did a cold plunge. Do you have a cold plunge in the studio? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, put that front and center. It's a sponsor, so. Oh, really? Yeah, you got to show some love. Wow, thank you. How, what, do you do that every episode? No, he has one at the house, and he does it every morning. No, I don't do it every day. I had a cheap one. I got rid of it, and it's gone.

I got one for like 500 bucks and I was like, I use it for a while. It's good. Yeah. But then the winter comes and I got a cheap one and it was so cold this winter. It just turned into like a block of ice. I go on the road and forget about it. And I come home, I'm like, how the fuck do I get rid of this? Right. So I just waited till a day it got warm and melted. I tossed it, but they sent us a few of these. So this is a good one.

It's just such an unpleasant experience It's brutal He couldn't even get in He's a fucking baby I got up to here And I squealed like a pig Yeah I tried to pull him in Yeah What? Do you do them? No Oh really? No no I'm gonna try I'm gonna really go for it Cause they wake you up They're great for the body I like waking up to it Do you feel great afterwards? Yeah you feel amazing Really? I would like listen to my girlfriend's stories It was crazy I'd be connected

How long do you feel good for? It gives you a boost. You feel more focused. For someone who has bad ADD, it would make me pay attention. So cheers, boys. Wow. Cheers, man. Congrats on the book. Congrats. A new book. Did you guys get copies I sent you? No, I'm all in. I made a list of people that got copies, and you guys were on the list. I'm waiting. Oh, really? It's going to arrive. Okay. I'm going to leave when I see it. No, I love it, dude. I love the... But I get that it's... You sound like a douche. It's like...

I remember I was on Legion of Skanks once and Lewis was like, the two douchiest thing a person could do is cold plunge and get an IV drip. I'm like, I've done both this week. I like how they're telling us what's douchey. They've got a black baby with like a swastika on its forehead. Cold plunge is horrible. I'm like, yeah, can you clip that out of the clips you post with me? Yeah, exactly. IV drip is great. I've only done it once. Love IV drip. Can I put my coat somewhere? Throw it anywhere. Throw it on the big barrel. Put it in the plunge.

there you go on screen does that look bad all right you're fine sweet oh my god it's great to see you guys i feel like i never get to see you anymore yeah we're all pretty busy we're running around i got a kid he's uh on a bus yeah how's the bus good throwing on some movies yeah fun how's the road how you like it's good it's been great i don't i just fly everywhere but uh same yeah i don't like the bus

I think you'd have to be really selective. I think Sam's got a good crew. Great crew. Yeah. Vitor. Can't go wrong with Vitor. He fits in the overhead. He doesn't talk. Yeah. It's cheap on flights. Yeah. And how's the kid?

You know, he's in the cold plunge right now. He's belly up. But I got a lot of kid material. Really? I don't want to be the dad comic, so I'm making it my own. You should never be the dad comic. Okay, okay, okay. They're dark, twisted jokes, but with a kid, people really, I get the whole Rock thing. People, like, open up to you. When I say I have a kid, they're like, oh, this guy has a kid? I got to hear this. Rock said that to me once. He was like, he's like, you got to have a kid to grow with your audience because all the old guys who don't have kids are weird.

Oh, I think that's true. I don't want to name names. Yeah, yeah. But I said, how about Quinn? He goes, one exception. He goes, that's one exception. Yeah, but Quinn is so tuned in to everything that...

And he's so empathetic and warm already. Yeah. You know, other comics, I'm not going to name names, but they get a little cold and stiff over the years. I remember coming home and I was getting, I was in Philly and I was taking the train home after a gig. Like there was like one show at the Punchline or whatever. And I met a comic who is single, doesn't have a kid, definitely will never have a kid. And I was like, and I was going home to an unhappy relationship and he was going by himself and I was like,

I was like, fuck, you gotta, you can't. He's like a comet, comet, comet. I'm like, you gotta introduce some normality to this weird life. And it just, it shakes it up because we could do the same, we could do the same thing for the rest of our lives routinely. Road, roads. Well, how long do you feel, you're on the road so hard right now. You're on the road so hard right now. It's like,

So easy to just be like, here's another fucking airport joke. Yeah. Yeah. I finally have airport jokes. But I bought it for two decades. But you can't. You spend so much time there. You shit happens. I know. I don't subscribe to that whole like, hey, you can't do this topic. No. If it's funny, it's funny. Louis has amazing airplane jokes. Yep. So just do it if it's funny. This is an airplane, but it's.

It does take place in an airport That's fine It happens, yeah The opening of my last special Was like missing a connect flight And it was more about like Just how I dealt with it Like a baby It wasn't really about the flight That's a great joke Oh, thanks man But That joke I was thinking That particular joke I think of now Because I'm trying to I haven't been writing The way I should Because I've been working On a fucking book For eight years Yeah, I can't imagine Like how much creative energy You have to put in that And then trying to write stand-up Right? And then now And then after this I have to do the audio book

I can't read. You're going to be slurring. It's going to be, I'm wondering. How do you do an audio book when you, because the book's about being dyslexic. Yeah, it's about being dyslexic. It's, Salicus was there, part of it. Did your agents laugh when you said you wanted to do the audio? Yeah, they didn't want me to, my manager wasn't like over the moon about it. Because it, most people do it in a couple days. And it took me 64 hours. I have one more session I have to do today and then I have a pickup session. Wow.

Wow. It was like, I would, because I can't read, like I can read in my head, but out loud it was like, I'd have to be like,

Like I was like, okay, you can fucking do this. Like pepping my, like getting, oh fuck man. It was crazy. It's like Rocky, but for a paragraph. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Yeah. It was, yeah, it was fucking rough, but I'm almost done. But I thought it was important because otherwise it's like the whole book is like kind of about like, you know, overcoming, um, you know, diverse or diversity.

and uh just of the times three white guys guys we did it overcoming uh adversity and stuff like that so it felt weird not to do the audiobook but god damn it was brutal but that's a great pitch the fact that you can't fucking read or spell i mean we've texted with you it's uh crazy shit you said yeah you said it seemed like a ransom note yes yes it's all over the place and i'm like deciphering words like oh he he meant

adversity, not diversity. Yeah. You know, you learn to speak Phil. Um, yeah. So it was fucking, uh, yeah, it was something, but I'm almost done. I got one more so I can only have one drink. Yeah. All right. All right. It's a stiff one, but, uh,

Yeah, man. You get paid on the audio book too, so you got to do it. Yeah, it's not, it's, you don't get, yeah, you get paid, but it's not like 64 hours worth of fucking. Ah. The most. But it's cool that you're doing it. Yeah. A lot of people listen, I listen to a lot of books on tape. Yeah. And if, you know, if the, I listen to Segura's book on tape and it was way funnier because he read it. Yeah. Oh, interesting. Yeah, that was the thing because I have jokes, I mean, there's like, in the book there are jokes and then there's also like, you know, kind of dark shit.

But I was like, someone's going to fuck these jokes. Some actor is going to fuck these jokes. It's going to drive me crazy. Could you imagine an actor doing your jokes? Oh, God. I read Sam Talent's book because he wanted every comic to read a chapter. I read it so poorly, he didn't use it.

Wait, so you know what it's like to do an audiobook? Yeah. It's fucking brutal, eh? It's brutal. Yeah, and I didn't want to read his book. No. No, I'm kidding. His book is amazing. It's a great book. It's unreal, yeah. What's it about? It's about a road comic, like a fictional guy. Like a washed up road comic. Like it's like a novel? Yeah. Wow. It's incredible. It's incredible. Really? Check it out.

What's it called? Running the Light. Okay. He's working on a new book now, too, he said. Oh, is he? Yeah. I bet it becomes a movie. It's so captivating because it's so detailed, like doing the line of coke, fucking the hooker, bombing the corporate, getting back on the plane. It's great. But it's hard to watch. He's right. It's hard to hear an actor read your jokes. It's hard to watch actors play stand-up. It's getting kind of played out. Yeah. Yeah.

It happens a lot. It's happening right now, actually, at the Cellar. Has anyone ever captured stand-up on TV or in a movie? Funny people, Sandler.

Oh, right. But he's a comic. Yeah. And Judd wrote it. Right. And Aziz is in it. Seth Rogen did comedy for a while. Seth Rogen was a stand-up at 13. Dude, in Vancouver. Wow. When I started comedy, everyone had stories about Seth Rogen's parents would bring him to, at the time, there was a, it was like,

It was like a book show, but it was Tuesday nights in Vancouver at a bar. But it was killer. And Brent Butt, who I think is one of the best. Oh, yeah. He's funny. He would host it. Anyways, his parents would bring Seth when he was a kid. Wow. Man. It must have been good to get spots on a show like that. Yeah. He has a clip on YouTube. It's pretty funny. It's pretty funny. I never. It was before. You can find it. Look how little. It was before I started.

Yeah, that might actually be at the venue I'm talking about. There you go. 13. To me, this is the opposite of comedy. My parents weren't around to drive me to a show. Like, they were doing their own thing. Yeah. So, like, the fact that you're loving parents is crazy. I was on acid. Yeah, exactly. But he was just funny, I think. I think he was just a funny kid. And then he got cast in Freaks and Geeks at, like, 17 or 18. Yeah. And he was just set. It's crazy. Yeah.

Look at that. It's weird to think, like I just wouldn't have crossed my mind. I was a smart ass. I was making people laugh, but I would never think to do. Yeah, it's wild. Wild. I would never think to go in this adult venue where they were adults are drinking. That was the reason I went when I was young. Alcohol, yeah. They'll sit there arguing, but they're both deaf, so they can't hear what they're arguing about. Callie, I'm a nomad pillow.

I love that he's like, the bits like an 80-year-old man would do. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like, he was like an old Jew since he was a kid. Armadillo. Another thing that Rock said, and sorry, I meant to say this, about having the kid, he also said like, you have to get married because if you're not married, people are like, well, why is this guy not married? I don't know. I don't know. Seinfeld has all these absolutes where you gotta have to do the absolutes. Yeah, I'm like, that's not true. You have to do, Louis does it too. They're like, you have to do this. Yes. I don't know.

I don't know. And also, Rock's divorced. I mean, you can get married and divorced. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Louie told me, don't do clips. Clips are bad. Don't ever tweet. And now he does both. So I'm like, what are we doing here? Yeah. Yeah, but he hates them. He hates all of that stuff. We all hate it. I feel like all, because that's what I say, it's like a comic starting out. I'm like, listen to advice, but people are going to tell you what they do. Yes. And everything is such an individual thing. Coming up with material is such an individual thing. Yeah.

everything is such an individual thing but comics will tell you absolutely this is what you gotta do comics will tell you this is what you gotta do and then they'll tell you don't listen to advice comics are all over the place but it's also the advice they give you is also what worked for them like Louis would say you don't want this shit in a career you want

this. I'm like, well, that's what you did. Yeah. But there are people who blew up like, yeah, like Adam Sandler blew up young. Yeah. Right. There's, there's many ways to, to have a big career. Yeah. If anything, it's kind of nice to have this cause you have it longer. That's true. It's just, it's just, I did this. I didn't know. I know. But, uh, it's going to get fucking gift. God damn it. As long as you don't do that one. You know, but, uh,

Yeah, I mean, I think it's more like, are you equipped to handle it when you're young? Because we've seen people flame out. We've seen people like pop and then you're just like, oh shit, you were not mature enough. And that's not an age thing always. That's like...

Are you ready for that? Yeah. It's similar to a cancel. If you're like, he got canceled, but he's doing great. I'm like, but he's also good. Yeah. If you get canceled, you're good. You're fine. Yeah. You just show them, hey, I can do this. I can do that. But if you suck, you're like, eh, you're kind of fucked. Also, if you blow up, I mean, there's such pros and cons to everything, but if you blow up immediately, then you miss-

I mean, some of the best parts about being a comic are like the weird fucking situation. That's true. Also, what about when we were just all at the cellar every night? Right. You know what I mean? That's some of the best times. Absolutely. The come up. Yeah. You got nothing to lose. Having like a Glenfiddich. That's your drink? Yeah, man. Glenfiddich or like a...

you know just those long nights fucking with Liz the manager there just hanging out everyone like walking in there knowing everyone you want to see that night are gonna be there and then doing your sets and then hanging out and being like fuck a towel goes on in 45 minutes I'm gonna have another drink stand by that cash register door and watch a towel

Yeah. There's nothing better than that. And you had no responsibilities. You get home at four and you're like, who cares? Yeah. I still have no responsibilities. Yeah. But you're worried about, well, you wrote a book. I mean. Yeah. You're in it, Sammy. I'm in it? Yeah. The Collette, when we first met, because I talk about, you know, my whole life, but I talk about when I first moved to Vancouver. I can't say his name, but the person that owned the bar where we met, the-

He was your roommate Oh shit Yeah yeah yeah Sure Damn Now I wanna hear this You know who it is

Dan? No, I used to live with this guy. Oh, yeah. Jello shots. Let's call him Jello shots. There you go. That guy was wild. Jello shots. It was weird because I was so paranoid. I used people's real names if they're in the public eye. I figured if I could say this on a podcast and use their real name, then I could do it. But then people from home, I changed certain people's names. Some people I reached out and I was like, hey, can I use your name in the book? And they were like, yeah. But some people I was like, oh, fuck it.

man. Yeah. You know, in Bukowski's book, Hollywood, he just would use famous people's name and like, you can't use their name. And he'd be like, all right, Arden or say, say, he would just write names like that. And you're like, oh, that's fucking genius. I had to go through the whole thing with a lawyer and change people's names. Oh, damn. Like, like just people who just grew up with him. Yeah. Not like there's a couple people that like, if you're a lawyer,

If it was like I tried to be real I was like really Careful I didn't want anyone To look bad or whatever But yeah just like Certain people Like teachers names And stuff like that The teachers were Shitty to me Oh

Oh, gotcha. Stuff like that. I just changed their names. If they're dead, can you use their real name? I mean, I would like to think they are, but yeah, no. They were mean to kids. Yeah. You know what I mean? Gross. Yeah. Called me dumb and lazy. Damn. Oh, shit. Yeah. Really? Totally. That's how teachers used to be, I feel like. Yeah. Now they're not like that. I was in French immersion, so I didn't know when they were calling me that. Yeah. But they were mean. Well, you know they were calling you that. Wait, what? Oh.

No. Wow, really? Can you speak French? I used to. It's gone away. But I was pretty good. I think if I gave it like an hour and really hung out with a French guy, I'd get it back. Yeah. What if you went to France and you spent like two weeks here? Easy. Week one, I'd have it. Dude, you should just do that. I know, but I got a kid.

You could take a kid on vacation. That's not a good kid vacation, really. Can't do the flight. Yeah, there's no Disneyland in Paris. List says he flies with his kid all the time. He's flown with his kid, I think, 28 times, he told me. Holy shit. Which is insane. The kid is actually a diamond medallion. That's amazing. I bumped in. I was flying to Milwaukee. Oh, there it is.

Never mind. And I got on the plane. I was like, fuck, that dude looks like List. He was already asleep before it took off. Yeah. I think he's back on the bottle. No, he was already asleep. You're like, damn, that guy's ugly. I go, that guy looks so much like List. And then we get off the plane, and it was Joe List. He told me. He's like, I saw Phil Hanley on the plane to Wisconsin. Yeah. So there you go. Yeah. He thinks you're Batman. He's like, I don't know what Phil Hanley's up to. I don't know where he is, who he is. Yeah.

Yeah, but List does that, but he's hard to fucking find, too. That's true. He is a kid. Yeah, he's at home right now, I guarantee it. I love how hard at work you are. We're talking about List. You bring up a picture of List. Yeah. You're fucking working, man. I appreciate it. I shot this pic, so. Oh, okay. Great pic. Thank you. I think that's the first hour at the cellar he did. I think so. Which now is like 10 million views. God, that's a great hour. Killer. He's prolific as fuck. He keeps pumping it out.

out and they're all great they're all great he's got one in the can right now i think it's coming out i don't know soon really yeah i don't know how he just yeah he just pumps it out he has really found i remember seeing like a rory scoville or nate bergatzi where you're like oh they know exactly who they are they're they're like on the way to being great yeah

You got to just know your voice. Like Nate would have a thing happen to him and he would just go on stage and talk about it and it would do okay. And they would do it again and it would kill. Yeah. He just knows where to go. Yeah. Yeah. I'm still all over the place. Rory's like that too. Oh, Rory's unreal.

A famous story, not a famous story, but I opened for him once. He was doing four hours at the Relapse Theater in Atlanta, all no material, just riffing for four different hours. Yeah. I opened for him. I would do material, and I was like, hey, I had a good set. I'm the man. Here we go. And then he would go up with no material for an hour and crush.

and blow me out of the water. And I'm like, damn, but I worked so hard on that. And this guy's just killing with nothing. He just did 10 nights in Brooklyn. Really? Yeah. He did 10 nights at, uh, what's that place where there's like shuffleboard upstairs. Union hall. Yeah. 10 nights. I saw him on a flight and he was talking about it. Yeah. He did 10 nights, 10 new hours. And he had like music in the background.

Wow. Yeah. Are any of them good enough to, like, how do you film something like that? Do you break it up like something night one? I feel like editing that together has got to be a nightmare. I think Katz broke it up. I think Katz. Oh, he filmed it? Yeah, I believe so. Yeah. I'm bummed I didn't know he was here. I'd love to have him on. I know.

He's a really special talent, that guy. He really is hilarious. Interesting. I fucking hate that airport. That's the thing about like, wherever you live, you got to have a good airport if you're going to do this. Yeah. Any airport with a tram in the middle, I want to kill myself. You know, like you land, you're like, oh, you got to get on the air train to go to baggage claim. You're like, what? And you feel like such an amateur. I was at Minneapolis this weekend. I was like, what the fuck? How do you get? You know, you're asking people where the baggage claim is. I know. It's the worst.

Airports. Gotta get it together. LaGuardia voted number one. Really? I love LaGuardia. It sucked like 10 years ago. Now it's amazing. Now we're doing Phil's airport material.

So, I mean, how long did this book take you, dude? Took about, like, from the beginning, like eight years. Wow. Yeah, because I started and I had no, I didn't even fucking take English in school. What? I finished high school having never read a book. Whoa. I had a special ed teacher read me a book about some kid who got lost in the wilderness, which I think she was, like, pushing me in that direction. Were you running a lot by, was there anyone you'd run stuff by?

No, I started. I made a list of everybody. It was when I was living in New Jersey. That's how long ago it was. Wow. And I made a list of everyone I had ever met in my whole life. And then I made a list of everywhere I'd ever been in my whole life. And then I started just trying to write. And it was so bad. And then I slowly...

Got better. Yeah. Cause I was trying to like, at first, my first draft that I handed in, my agent was like, I can tell when you're going for a joke. Cause that's all I've ever written. So I would like set up a paragraph where like, Oh, this is going to be a doozy at the end. And he's like, just tell the story. And so it's like funny, but it was so freeing to not have to worry about punchlines.

Of course. Or anything like that. Yeah. Like Sam. I was going to make a one man show joke, but that was, yeah. Oh yeah. That works too. But, uh, yeah, man. So it just kept going. And then I guess I sold it like maybe four years ago and then I finished it. So it took four years and then I finished it like a year and a half ago. And then I thought I was done and I'd hand it in and then it would just be like slight changes, but it just took so long. Yeah. And then the audio book and then it comes out in two days.

From when this aired Wow Yes Hell yeah Were there any writers Whose brains you picked for advice? No Like the only I mean I was inspired that Quinn had Done it before He's got a book He's got a bunch The coloring book He's got a couple Oh yeah Yeah a coloring book And then he wrote another one too Damn But I was inspired Matt took that picture It's a good book And then You don't know And the only people that I can really read Is like I can read Bukowski Because it's so straight forward Yeah

But I can't read like flowery. So the book's written very like.

you know like hemingway sentences tight that's yeah that's the comparison i keep getting hopefully it ends the same but i think this is going to really hit home people who are dyslexic and they're going to send you all kinds of up letters yeah a lot of crayons people that come to my shows are dyslexic people parents of dyslexic people and uh oh nice self-induced dyslexia yeah do you think the drugs did anything to you or no i don't know

A lot of acid in his history for the folks at home. Yeah, I took a lot of LSD. But the reason... And I always thought it was just because I was like, whatever. I felt like dirty as a teenager for taking so much drugs. But I

Then I had a therapist be like, well, you, it was so miserable. Like, can you imagine going through school and not, you just don't, you don't know what they're fucking reading. So you just, I would just like fake read. Right. And then they'd ask questions. You'd be like, I have no, it's like, you know, when you're. This is probably why you became a smart ass. Yes. 100%. 100%. Because you needed some control. So the sarcasm was your control, right? Absolutely. Recess. I would be fucking, you know.

introduced by Johnny and I would fucking go out and be bopping and scatting at recess or also just to like prove that I was smart because you're told you're dumb you felt you feel dumb yeah you can't read and can't write you feel stupid what about what about the relation to you because you have two older siblings right yeah yeah were they they were good students great students yeah so that I mean that's got to be I relate to this very much yeah I mean what did that feel like when they're pulling back good grades and you're just like

What do I do? Yeah, because you just feel like, because at first they didn't know what was wrong. So they would just say, I was lazy and I was dumb. And my mom

would just show up and fucking fight for me to get put to the next grade because she thought it would be devastating if I didn't go to school. You have that great joke about how your mom was doing your homework and then the teacher was saying how bad all the homework was. And you're like, damn it, Phil is working two jobs and raising three kids. That's a great joke.

Also, you're big into the crowd work, I feel like. Yeah. And that almost feels like you're smart ass. Now you're putting it to work and making money on it. Yeah. I think, yeah, that's, it's a weird thing because when people started, because I always did crowd work from as soon as I started comedy. Yeah. And I never thought anything of it just because you get it in your head. If you're dyslexic and you're bad at everything, you get it in your head that the things that you are good at, you devalue them because you're like, oh, this must just be easy if I can do it.

Right. So it took me a long time to start posting clips and accepting like, oh, no, this is a skill. Yeah. You know, besides if you watch certain people's clips. Well, it also became popular, too. And you were happy to be good at it. Well, yeah, it became popular and I'd been doing it for 19 years. Exactly. Where it was kind of an I don't want to say an afterthought.

Like, crowd work was always around, but it wasn't what it is now. Now crowd work is, like, making a career off it. But there were people who I think were really thought of as being good at, and Phil was one of those people. I think, you know, in New York, you're like, Phil, Todd Barry. Yeah, Big Jay. Jay does it well, yeah. Yeah, that's true. But, yeah, you're selling tickets, like hotcakes. Now, yeah, after all the, yeah, which feels so crazy.

That's what it's all about, baby. Butts and seats. Yeah. Yeah. It feels so weird because now to do, when I started comedy, the only people that did theaters were people that, like the only way you could do it would be on a sitcom. I know.

It's weird We're in a boom Quinn keeps joking like it's about to end I've been hearing that for five years Colin Quinn keeps saying the boom's about to end And he keeps saying He made a great point last night About how comedy He's like I felt this The crowds are getting dumber The end is coming What killed comedy back in the day Was we'll just do karaoke now Now it's like everyone's doing karaoke On TikTok

Yeah. And you're like, fuck, he'd make all these comparisons to like these huge reversions of what happened. He's like, this is five times because the boom, this boom is like huge. 20 times the boom of the. We know people, 10 guys at arenas. Friends of ours. So insane. It's insane. Yeah. Two guys at arenas in the history of comedy or three guys. And now it's like four people we know. Yeah. Nate does an arena at 4 p.m.

We started with him at The World. He's adding shows like it's an improv in an arena. I talk about The World a ton in the book. Oh, hell yeah. Yeah. For those of you who don't know, there was a place called The World. It was like a satellite room to Broadway comedy club. Already not a good club. No. This is the bad room at that club. It's in the attic. It's like a storage space. Yeah. They had fucking tables on the- Stage? Yeah, on the stage.

Run by a guy in a fedora. I'm guessing it was a name you didn't use. Summer, yeah. In the winter, fur coat. Yes. That's right. I was on stage at the world and had someone tell me that their bill was wrong mid-set. That was where it was at.

That was where it was at. It was like, this is wrong. Yeah. It's so wrong. My career was so in the toilet. I'd be like, let me fix it. I just paid the bill. I remember getting you in there and you crushed like the first night because you were, you had to be, it was like a, it was a papered room. Obviously it was all barked in. Yeah. And so you had to shuck and jive. And I was up there like, what's the deal with peanut?

They're weird, you know? It's not a pee. It's a nut, whatever. And I'm bombing. Yeah. And you went up there and you were like, look at this fucking guy. Holy shit. And I was like, who's this dude? Yeah. Yeah, because I'd done so many shitty gigs. Right. Vancouver used to do shitty gigs. Phil had a very professional vibe. You did have professional vibes. Well, we didn't have. Because I think Mark and I were so used to just doing...

kind of just like these shit rooms in New York. And Phil kind of came with a more professional approach where I remember we were at a bar show and there were like five people in the room and Phil just went up there and really handled it like it was a big show. And I was like, oh shit, this is kind of cool. Everyone else was like, oh, five people showed up. But he really like played to them and I was like, oh, that's what you're supposed to do as an entertainer. You're supposed to, I mean, it's obvious. Yeah. But it wasn't obvious to us. No. For me, it was a big fucking deal because I like,

ended a relationship of five years and didn't get to see my nephew and like to move here. Yeah. Every show in New York to me just felt like a fucking huge deal. Interesting. I didn't know about all that. Yeah. Wow. That's kind of how I feel with the kid. Like every set I'm working.

Oh, that's great. Because you get out the house. Just getting out of the house is hard. Yeah. And so you're like, I got to make sure this line works. I got to take that line out, tweak that. You go in there with a mission. Yeah. Because you can't. Stage time is precious now. Before, I was like, I'll fuck around. You just want to kill. I can't imagine. We were laughing because we were on the road, and Mark's like, God, I can't get out of the house with this baby. And we look on YouTube. I'm like, did Mark just do Brendan Sagalow's podcast in Queens? Yeah.

Your wife's at home dealing with the baby. You're like, I got to go to a story to bang out this pod real quick. I lied. I was like, I'm doing The Tonight Show. I got to go. Yeah.

Yeah, I kept putting it off for years, so I was like, fuck it, I'll do it. My parents were in town. That's what got me out of the house. I knew it was something. Yeah, it would drive me nuts. If you're too busy to cook, that doesn't mean you should give up on your health goals and eat out all the time. There are other options, like Factor's two-minute meals. Factor arrives fresh and fully prepared. All you have to do is heat.

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I can't imagine how that would affect time management. Oh, dude, that's the hardest part about a kid. It's not the keeping it alive. It's not the shitty diapers and the screaming. It's like the scheduling. I got a pot of this time. She's like, well, I have yoga. And I'm like...

so you got to hire somebody or get somebody over. It's brutal. I've done everything I've wanted to do all day, every day. It's hard. Cherish it. Cherish it. Cause that goes away quick. But do you ever think about having a kid? I want to so bad. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Yes. I love kids. What? Yes. I was like, yeah, totally. I just, yeah.

I didn't know that. So you want to do the old-fashioned way? Are you thinking about adopting? What do you like? Oh, I think, I mean, ideally I would do the old-fashioned way. All right, all right. You never know. Yeah. I feel like adopting, you get like a 17-year-old. You're one year in, you're cruising. Yeah. I think about it. You ever see the movie Theon?

You ever see Thief with James Caan? I have seen Thief, yes. You know, there's that scene where, you know, he's like an ex-con and he's trying to adopt a kid. And they're like, where were you from these years to yours? He's like, I was in prison. They're like, yeah, you can't adopt a kid. And he's like, I'll take a black or a Mexican one. I don't give a shit. He's doing them a favor. I forgot about that, yeah. It's one of the most fucked up, hilarious scenes. He died, right? He died, dude. That movie fucking rules, though. He's an ex-con. Phil likes kids so much.

his home screen is his nephew. Yeah. Dang. You're super close to your nephew. Yeah, I'm super, yeah, when he was a baby. Kevin Spacey's home screen is also your nephew. Yeah, I was going to say. You got to explain that one quick. Is that your kid? No. That's my nephew.

I think since he was born. I don't know if I've ever not had him as my home. He's 18 now. But yeah, the picture of him when he's just. But you're tight. You're really tight with your sister too, right? My sister tight with my, super tight with my nephew. I'm going home and performing in Vancouver this weekend. Hey. Yeah. What club? What room? The Queen Elizabeth. Hell yeah. The good one, right? No, no, that was in. Where did you play, Sammy? The Valkyrie.

Vogue? Vogue! That's a good one. That's a great room. Is it? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, it's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Great crowds in Canada. Yeah. Vancouver's awesome. Oh, I love it. Remember the mix? Too bad the mix is gone. The mix was such a great, and the thing that sucks is it's still there, it's just not a club. It was sold out from Tuesdays like the whole week.

I know. I stayed in that hotel recently, randomly. I did the Great Outdoors whatever with Santino and Soder. Oh, that's a fun show. It was a great time. But I was like, why is this hotel familiar? What's going on? And then I realized the mix is right under the fucking lobby. Us three and Joe List were in the sauna at that hotel. Holy shit. No, wasn't that the Sutton Place? When we all did the Vancouver comedy, that was one block down. That was the Sutton Place. Oh, okay, okay. Damn, what a great city. Yeah. Yeah, I'm pumped to go back. I love...

I really like that. I love Seattle too, man, for comedy. Seattle's great. I love it.

I know the downtown has seen better days, but that Pike Market's so fucking cool. Oh, killer. Yeah. Yeah, I love the Pacific Northwest. I mean, Portland, Oregon gets a bad rap, but I usually have fun there, too. Crowds are great. Crowds are great in Portland. That whole strip, that Pacific Northwest is... It's a good strip for shows, man. And heroin. Great for heroin. They got good shit. Yeah. Yeah, Hastings is nasty. Woo-wee. Yikes. I always, wherever I am, I always text Vitor for Rex. For Vitor? Dude, it's insane. He's actually... It's annoying because...

he's so arrogant about it but every meal is a home run yeah okay to me he thinks it's a real skill though to just take my credit card and just be like i found a spot yeah and everyone by the way i'm paying for these these like insanely expensive meals and and everyone's like gary thank you so much thank you gary that's hilarious i took him to chicago to open for me and he had a dud

Yeah. I thought he was going to hang himself. I thought I was going to come into his closet with a belt. I got food wrecks too. Chicago is easy. Come on. But Gary, so, I mean, one of the most fun loving, easy to laugh. When he's on a mission finding, after we did the beacon, when I was on your beacon show. That was fun. Yeah, it was fun. But afterwards, Gary was trying to find a place to go. And it was like, it was like a fucking doctor trying to save a life, man. He was like, beep.

he's like on his phone. You can't joke around with him. He takes it seriously. He takes, he takes the vibe of the road very seriously. And that's who you want to be on the road with is someone who like, he's like every moment has to count. Like he gets me up early in the morning. We go to like, by the way, here's a rec, go to the rec center. Seriously. Like you go on, you go on the road, the South, every YMCA is like fucking beautiful now. Really? Dude. I mean,

rec centers they usually have a steam room a sauna they have like a basketball court a pool it's like that's good rec you can get you can get a seven-day pass for free usually or it's like a day rate yeah it's like man you're on the road it's and if you live there it's like 150 for the whole year you're you're so i highly recommend wait you get up when you're on the road we veter veter fucking pushes us and really he's sober

Vitor's sober I still drink at night So I'm like The superhero here But like Right But like They're Yeah We try to like I'll play ball With my tour manager Brian We play basketball Vitor's doing weights We fucking Yeah we There we go There's Gary There he is That's special Yeah look at that little suit I feel like Looking like a million bucks If you get up Then Cause you don't nap right

I hate nap. Yeah. I can't nap either. Nap is kind of a peeve to me. Really? I mean, it works. It feels great. I just can't do it. That's a wreck for me. Really? Yeah. What's the trick? The trick is... You try to read? Yeah. Go out? The trick is... The reading would totally... It's fucking exhausting, dude. It is. It's hard. But...

Yeah, I just wait. I just don't have a coffee until I have a nap. And then after my nap, I have a coffee. Whoa. If you get up and drink coffee, it's going to fuck up your nap. There you go. But 20 minutes, man. Because don't you tie? If you get up and you work out. But how do you do the alarm? My question is, how long does it take you to fall asleep for a nap? That's the question. Because then maybe like 10 minutes. You have to keep adjusting the alarm, I feel like.

No, I'd set the alarm for like an hour out, even though I'll probably wake up in 20 minutes. Right, right. But if I work out and do shit on the road, like when I look at lists on the road, he's hiking and all that. I'll be so tired in between the early show and the late show. What are you, an old man? Come on. You're a healthy guy. You're proud. I picture him with a walking stick. No, I would just be burnt. You know what I mean? Honestly, it wakes me up. If we exercise and like...

hit the sauna and do a little shower, get a good breakfast. I'll have like four coffees at breakfast, but I'm like up for the day. But then we fall asleep somewhat early on the road. Oh, really? Aren't you not tired when you're on the road? I am, but I just push through and then I try to get some good sleep at night. You're the only person, that's where the booze comes in. Yeah, that helps. You're the only person that, and I think of you when I'm on the road, like Norman gets so pumped.

about like, he's like, flew in from South Africa, did a podcast, I got three spots tonight. Like that, it's like the shit that would weigh me down. Right. Gets you pumped. Yeah, I guess so. Cause I, I am tired, but I'm pumped that I could get it all in. Yeah. I beat the system, I feel like. Do you get a feeling like when it's all over, you're like, yes, it's satisfaction. Satisfaction, this is for the kids at home. Satisfaction is better than happiness. Yeah.

Everybody's like, I want to be happy. I want to be happy. You're not satisfied. You get satisfied, you'll be happy. But maybe they're connected. Satisfaction makes you happy, right? I think so. I think so. Everybody's chasing happiness. They want to take a pill or just be like, what do I do? I want to be happier. Go fulfill yourself and scratch something off a list. I will say, after four hours, I would prep for the audiobook for four hours. Then I would do the audiobook session for four hours. And I felt...

burnt but on top of the world after that. Maybe we're all different here, but I feel like a vacation, I almost can't enjoy it because I'm like, I'm not being productive. I could have done this. I could have done that. I wasted a day. And I don't enjoy the vacation because I'm just thinking of what I could have done with those hours. Maybe that's a disease. I'm bad at vacation, dude. There we go.

look you have to you have to almost trick yourself because I think we're all wired in this way we're like to get good at stand up we had to do so many shows a night never really take nights off for so many years you're like it became hard to relax and then and then you go on I'd be in like Santorini and I'd be like I'm supposed to just like go on a catamaran what the fuck is this shit I got stuff to

do and even then my girlfriend would be making fun of me she'd be like you're just gonna read like a puddin book by the pool and i was like i was like that was me trying to be good but yeah yeah yeah i don't know uh it's hard for me like i yeah i'd always want to be like what's this doing for my comedy and that's a really unhealthy way to i guess yeah but because i don't do that if i go to like a nix game i'm like how is this good but i guess the things i enjoy the ways i like kind of decompress aren't

Same. I feel like I take a lot of mini vacations. Yeah. I'll go to like a Knicks game or like a fucking, you know, a hockey game or go to like a museum or go see a movie. Yes. But I'm not going to like...

Mini vacation. That's big. But when I go travel, I'd be like, well, I'm here. I want to do a gig. Yeah, that's how I feel. And then the women in your life get mad at you. Like, you got to go do this? What about dinner? And I'm like, I hate dinner. I want to go do this. It works both ways, though, because I was just in... I did a little Euro tour, and dude, I did too many countries in too short a time. I didn't enjoy it. That's the other problem. The balance is hard, but man, I did like...

all of scandinavia in like four days really and i'm like this isn't how you fucking enjoy it yeah you know wake up you're at an airport it sucked yeah and every time i'd land there i'd be like man i found a good restaurant i'd be like i want to be here for a few days yeah so then i see what like leonard cone used to do when he just like live in hydra for a month and i'm like that's kind of cool i mean i guess a musician you can do that yeah but like but we don't be ari ari lives in fucking uh cambodia for a month and i'm like

That's too much. You're 68 years old. But if you were doing, if you did that and did like every other day. That's true. That's the move. You know what I mean? Do a show in Norway. Spend the day in Norway. Fly to, you know. I brought the wife on that. I did the same run.

Where you just wake up, go to the airport, you fly to Oslo. The show's that night. You do the show. You try to get dinner, try to do something after the show. Which is so fucking hard when you don't know what's going down. I know. And it's late and shit closes early. We live in New York. We forget. Shit rolls up over there. Even New York's closing early, dude. I was trying to go to a bar the other night after I saw you at the cellar when I was fucking shit-faced.

That night at the cellar. Oh, yeah. All I know is I ran the light. Liz, the manager, is lighting me. I was like, I impregnated her, and I won't pay child support. And I was like, what the fuck is happening? I was just, like, fucking with her. He's laughing. Yeah, she was cracking up. I got off stage to a bomb to try to find a bar, and, like, nothing was open. That's so sad. I was like, this is a fucking West Village. Dude. Bars are going to start closing more and more because no one drinks now. East Village.

That was a hot spot. It was a hot spot. 7A, there was that other, you know. Oh, yeah. 7A is 24 hours. Or used to be. Yeah. Veselka is not 24 hours. That was the one that ripped my fucking heart. I got it. Veselka is a spot. It's a spot. That's a spot. It's a spot. And it was such a comic spot. Yeah.

You'd go there We've been there together a couple times Yeah That's a great spot Yeah And I've been there Because I live so close I'll stop in And you always see comics there Yeah But yeah it closes at 12 Damn Which now is like late For the city It's like why are we What happened We need a new catchphrase It's not the city that never sleeps anymore No It really isn't Diners are also dead too In the city Yeah And then you go to a diner And you're like How do you stay open You're like Oh eggs are $22 Right It kind of takes away the charm Of a fucking diner

I know. Now they got these diners that are pretending to be a diner. It's like I identify as a diner, but it's so expensive. And you're like, what are you doing? It used to be like blue collar people in here, middle class. And now it's just everything's like fucking fake. It's like a diner accoutrements, you know, but they don't have the prices.

Yeah, but East Village, nothing open late now. Oh, that was the bar area. Yeah, I know. Remember Mars Bar and all that shit? I mean, bars might still be open late, but. Norman and I talk about the movie, How Much We Both Love, After Hours so much. Just about the idea that this, like, the chaos of the city all night. Yeah. And what it represented. Yes.

That part Like look It's crazy to see like Tribeca and Soho And like how fucking grimy They were It's also awesome Great fucking movie I love that movie You recommended that to me During the pandemic And I fucking loved it It's so funny It's Scorsese's funniest movie Yeah But

Yeah, it's crazy. I love that he's in that bar late night. There's the weird bar owner, all the weird characters, the diner that's late. And just Soho when it wasn't a mall. I know. They had strip clubs in Soho. Isn't that crazy? They were strip clubs in Soho. It's insane to think about how much shit has changed. But yeah, it's sad. And the problem is we're bitching about it, but the kids now don't even care. They're like, ah, we don't want to do that. We want to watch Netflix and take edibles and vape.

That's what it says. Yeah. These kids today. statutory vape. That's all it is. They just want to like, uh, like play Twitch and shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's sad that no one's got any fire in the belly.

Maybe I'm an old boomer. In the robe, it's harder, too. Well, the kids are fascinating now because they're, like, soft and queefy, but they also eat ass and do ketamine. Yeah. So, like, they've stayed crazy. They just do it in different ways. That's interesting. Yeah. Like, Luigi is killing CEOs, but he didn't drink.

You know, that's what I'm saying. Yeah. I think I got something here. Yeah, there could be something. All right. Luigi. This is a prototype, like, Larry David scene from After Hours. Curb Your Enthusiasm. He's trying to buy a token. Oh, yeah. And he gets there at, like, 12.01, and the price of the token just goes up. Ah, that's funny. Wow, he's a great scene. Griffin Dunn. He's in a new movie. Really? Yeah. I've got 97 cents. No. It's raining like mad out there. No. No.

would you just give me a break i really just want to go home i'm sorry i can't do that i could lose my job that's heavy the one actor is probably like 40 ideal dude yeah go to a party get drunk talk to someone who knows

That was the line. Sorry. Who knows? Everything going wrong is like, it can be annoying, and this movie does it right, which is a hard thing to do. You could just be annoyed watching it. Yeah. But this movie keeps it just funny enough. Right, right. And visually, it's just so good. Beautiful. I know. Do you ever just see an old taxi cab in a movie, and you get sad? Yeah.

Of course, of course. The Untouchables was on TV the other day, and fucking those old-timey cabs. I miss just seeing cabs. The checker cabs? Those are cool looking. Yeah, remember Arthur? I love Arthur. Yeah, Arthur, man. Moon in New York City. Exactly. New York was wild. Taxi driver, all that shit. I mean, it's really...

Buttoned up. Yeah, I watched the movie Taxi Driver. It really made me miss Taxi Driver. Seemed like really stable people. You remember he was wiping jizz on the back seat. Those were good times. So we have three premier joke writers in New York City right here. Are you guys working on any bits? You always do this when I got nothing. Every time he does this, I'm like, I got no fucking... All my new shit sucks. You got some stuff. I saw you the other night. No, I fucking suck. All right, well...

Bill Hanley's got a book he's been writing. The last line's a punchline. Oh. No, that's not true. That'd be cool for a buildup that long. Well, it is kind of the first line of the book relates to the last line of the. Hey, callback. Yeah. Or bookend. Where's the best place to buy it from? If you could do anything for me, my dream is to go from special ed to.

to the New York Times bestseller list. Woo!

I love it. You have now, the people that are watching the podcast, now is the time. If you pre-order it now, today, or tomorrow, then it can happen. Okay, we can do this. Pre-order this, guys. Now, Spellbound and Amazon's a place to do it? You can do it on Amazon. If you go to my Instagram, just give a little follow. And then the link in the bio, there's a link in the bio. It's on Amazon. It's on wherever you buy books.

I love it. And we'll put it on the YouTube as well. We'll put it on our page and we'll plug it. Yeah, we'll plug it. There'll be a link in the YouTube, right? There's a modeling photo in there. Whoa!

I think I've seen some of these. On the end pages, Sammy, if you look at the end pages, I made a list of all the words I couldn't spell as I wrote the book. Oh, awesome. And the end pages, the black pages there, that's a list of all of them. Oh, wow. Oh, this is great. Oh, cool. Look at that. Okay, cool. All right, all right. And there's a zillion people out there with reading problems and writing problems, so this is going to hit home. And kids now are illiterate.

Yeah, but you can also get the audio. But yeah, does the audio book cost count toward the bestseller list? It counts. There's like two categories. There's one category that encompasses everything. But if you actually buy the book, I mean, if I was you, I would just go. You get both. Yeah. There you go. But if you buy the hard copy of the book, then that goes towards the New York Times bestseller list. But that's like my dream, dream, dream. OK, well, I was told I was stupid. Let's get him there. Yeah.

That was this morning by his agent. So we're not going to get the bestseller list. No, get them on the bestseller list. New York times spellbound by Phil Hanley. Uh, uh, my life is a dyslexic wordsmith. It's I can't wait to read this. Uh,

I know Mark's going to read it. You're in it, Sammy. You're in it. I can't wait. We talk about going to Cafe Collette, doing that show. Oh, shit. Those fucking cappuccinos. Yeah, yeah. Those were fucking good, man. Talk about when you got passed at the cellar. Oh, shit. Hey, man. All right. And check out him on the road, too. Yeah, give us some road dates as well for Phil. Pull up some road dates. Yeah, can you bring it up? Punch-Up's the way to go. Punch-Up.live slash Phil Hanley slash tickets.

You can see Phil. This comes out the 16th, I believe. Oh, these are killer rooms you got. San Francisco at Cobb's, one of the best rooms in the country. We got Washington, D.C., the D.C. Improv, another classic. Kimball Theater in Virginia. You got the Variety Playhouse in Georgia. Plaza Live. Orlando. Orlando, Asheville. Orange Pill, have you played there? Yeah, let me tell you something. Asheville's a great city. It was one of my least favorite shows in my last run. Uh-oh.

I might have just draw a bad crowd that day. Oh, okay. I think Asheville's great. I love Asheville. I have a sweatshirt from the Orange Peel. That's why I remember. Is it a jazz club? What is that? No, it's a really cool little rock club. Okay. And then I'm at Town Hall. Whoa. In New York? Yep, New York. Hell yeah. And then the Wilbur, which were two dream venues for me to play. Two of the best rooms in the country. Yeah. Wilbur's top five, I think, in the whole country. I taped a special there. I fucking love the Wilbur. And we just added a show in D.C.,

Beautiful, man. And that's not me. Man, you got to go to Old Ebbets. You ever go there? No. Pull up real quick, Salacuse. Old Ebbets in D.C.? Old Ebbets. Dude, trust me.

I don't know old Ebbets This is a Gary Doesn't Miss Old Ebbet Grill Pull up a picture It's fucking old school Like a Sinatra type place Dude it's so Oh look at that So it looks like a big version Of the Tornado Room in Madison And the host was a We Might Be Drunk listener So he made sure we were taken care of Oh yay I got you the coolest waiter It was like an old guy Who was like kind of a ball buster I was like oh this is what it's all about We got fucking sauce We're pounding martinis We're getting great stuff for the table It was a great night Uh

I love it. Look at that. That's beautiful. Old school. Gotta check it out. Yeah, look at that. That looks beautiful. I don't want to brag, but I'm doing Vegas, and the Spearmint Rhino guy hit me up. Whoa. No way. Are you serious? Yeah, so I'm going to go in there with just gym shorts on. Yeah. Hide your wallet. Wear that outfit you're wearing tonight. Yeah, exactly.

Dude, that place is classic. Oh, yeah. I've been. Oh, you have? I've been, yeah. I've been once, too. I got my head shots on the wall. But, yeah, I'm all over the road. I mean, Reno, Chicago.

Oh, we've got the live page to stage premiere at the Village East. We're playing our second episode. Oh, yeah. What was that? I might be there for that. Hey, we'd love to have you. When is it? March 26th. I'm going to a Knicks game. Oh, shit. I'd be there. That's understandable. The Ryman. Do it.

Oh my God. Have you done the Ryman? Yeah. Sick. You've done the Ryman? That's amazing. Very exciting. That's a bucket list. Yeah, that's a bucket list. One of the best rooms in the fucking country. I just did a pretty cool one in Nashville that wasn't the Ryman. It was on a university thing, but it was pretty good. All right. Yeah, Nashville's great. Great comedy town. Had Taylor LeJuan from Bustin' with the Boys come out. Oh. Yeah, great hang, man. That guy- Dude, three fucking-

James, our video guy, had three hot chickens, which on the bus, you got to know not to do. You can't poop on a bus. No, no, no. He hot boxes the fucking bus and then throws it in the garbage. And I was like... Oh, he fished it out? He had to fish it out because he triple bagged it. I'll give him that. I was like, all right, at least he had the foresight to triple bag it. But we're like, dude, you can't do that. You can't be carcasses on the bus, man. Yeah, that's a spicy shit. That's a spicy carcass. Yeah. Yeah, but goddamn, the hot chicken's...

it's good but it's a mistake yeah it's a huge mistake but all right so uh yeah so come out to my show busting with the boys they did the jelly roll roast with me they had a better set than i did they killed they're funny dudes uptown theater in napa which napa i'm very excited about just going to wine i'd love to go to napa you get some fucking wine i get some merlot i feel like giamatti no you don't you don't drink merlot you're right oh really yeah oh shit all right santa barbara

Asheville, make update for the hurricane. Although Asheville just had a crazy fire. You see that? Yeah. They just don't want you to perform there. They really don't.

Bristol, Tennessee, New Brunswick, Ithaca. Then I'm going on a UK tour for a couple of days. That's in May. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that'll be fun. And I love the UK. I love the UK. I love it, dude. They gave me a long Europe tour and I say, break it up. I got a child now. Dude, you know what? I really wish I did the same thing because I loved Copenhagen and I loved Amsterdam. I love all these places I didn't get to fucking explore. It broke my heart. I'm going to spread it out. Spread it out. Spread it out. Oh, dude, you're playing the egg? Yeah.

Yeah, the egg is sick. It looks cool. Yeah, so we got the, but this is after that. Wait, I'm at the same week. This comes out the 12th? This comes out the 15th, 16th. Okay, that's March 13th.

- Yeah, I would have played the egg though. The egg was great. Great show. Cuomo came out, it was a blast. Columbus, Ohio, April 10th. Royal Oak, Michigan. Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, Iowa, never been. St. Louis, Missouri, Kansas City, Minneapolis, Phoenix, Arizona, San Diego, Sac.

SF Portland we added a late show on a Monday so please come out I hope I don't regret this the Vogue yeah we got the Vogue we had a late show there please these are like midweek things they make me fucking nervous adding a late show but Seattle the Moore's great late show in Vancouver May 7th oh that Egyptian's killer

Oh yeah, Boise and then Salt Lake and then closing out in Denver. Hell yeah. Paramount's supposed to be great. It's fucking insane. It's so good. Denver's top five as well. I love Denver. Sam, what are you doing in this big break here between April? There's a big break here, right?

April 30th to May 1st. Two weeks after March. It's a big break, I guess. 12th and... I guess I'm a piece of shit, man. Sorry. Yeah. Sorry I'm taking two weeks to recover. What are you doing that week, dude? What the fuck? I'm doing like 12 days at a time. I got to fucking recoup a little bit. Yeah. Thank some pods with Mark over here. Yeah. Podcast. Some other shit. I was expecting Sardinia or something. Are we doing pep peeves? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You fucking kidding me? I got a bunch of them. This is a huge pep peeve. And then...

Is when you're You get upgraded Right Yeah You're in first You wanna sleep I need to sleep Sure You know what I mean You're a napper I'm a napper Napa Valley Fucking The whole plane Is completely silent Everyone is not being a dick Everyone's got their blinds down It's just like Fucking I already know

Xanadu The stewardess In the little cubby thing Are talking And fucking being so loud Uh huh Have you had that? I have Were they not aware of the volume? It's like You gotta be It's insane Respectful to the sleepers Yeah That You don't do noise cancel? Uh I do earplugs It's hard to sleep It's hard to sleep in the noise cancel It's hard to get a good angle on those Yeah That's true I go the pods

Oh, really? Not the headphone. You know what's a good hack for that, actually, is you put the pods in and you play, I play like just a white noise app. Whoa. And I'll just do a fan. It'll just be the noise of a fan, but it's...

With the pods in it, it works. I never thought of that. It's not going to cancel out if they're yapping. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good one. Good peeve. Good peeve. Okay. Damn. This guy told me about a book. Can we show the writing? Your writing just to let people know how fucked up you actually are? This is pretty good. This is pretty good. Oh, that is pretty good. Yeah. All right. That's not bad. All right. My girlfriend wrote that up. Okay. Okay.

And then this is a huge one that ruins my night. So I'll do stand-up. All I want to do is go back to the hotel and watch the Leafs, right? Watch the Maple Leafs. Oh, yeah. Fucking people who ruin the game. Like, after the game, they're like, I guess that's another one in the win column or whatever. It's like, dude, first off, no one gives a shit what you think. Secondly, my night's fucked. Exactly. I'm supposed to watch a game not knowing? That's a big one. Because that's what most people do. Of course. Of course. Don't read the comments. No. No.

Did you see the Canada 1 eventually? What is it? The Final Four? What do you call it? The Nation. I know. Vitor told me he was texting me. I was like, well, let's send him a fucking middle finger right now. And he was like, no, no, no. I was like, why? It's fucking funny. Canada 1.

You got to hand it over. They're so talented, their team. Yeah, and I mean, the States were great too. It was hard to vote because some of my favorite players were playing for the Americans. The Kachuk brothers are so cool. Oh, dude. They're such badasses. They're just like the fact that you see that they got into three fights within the first nine. Yes, I did because they booed the anthem. Three scraps. But the thing that was crazy was because they'd been hyping it up. The NHL had been hyping that up. And I was like,

I don't know, because the All-Star game is always so boring and lame. Right. These guys went so – they were playing like game seven. It was insane. Scraps.

Crazy hits We saw it in Montreal I was with In Montreal they like sing And it was like yeah it was huge It's kind of sad to see the tension Between Canada and the US Where like they're booing and you're like It's a bummer We were neighbors It's such a bummer and the one thing that I'll say When I tell people Like Americans I'm like yeah they were They booed the

Americans are always like, I guess so. Like the people that I tell understand why Canada's hurt. Right. Yeah. Wait, wait, what do you mean? They booed the anthem. Yeah, they booed the anthem. Yeah, but they're mad at us. Yeah. Oh.

They're mad at Trump. Well, yeah, I mean, they're mad at the states, but I think they, yeah, they're a little upset because of the tariff thing. Sure, sure. You know what I mean? Just because we kind of had your back in every war. Is Trudeau in or out? Because I thought he stepped down. He's on his way out. Oh, he is? Okay. Yeah, he's on his way out. Yeah, but he got one little snipe on the way out on Twitter. But every commercial in Canada right now is referencing the tariff. Like, it's a huge deal. Whoa, really? It's a huge deal. Yeah, look at Mike Myers. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, shit. He did a fun Elon with the chainsaw. I don't know if you guys caught that. I know I caught it. 13 million? Boy, that Tate McRae is not too shabby, huh? She's like 21, right? Yeah. I didn't know who that was until I saw it. I thought it was a dude. I just heard Tate, and I'm like, oh, it's with Shane. Maybe it's like a country singer. I thought it was a country singer, too. Damn. She's hot. Tate McRae.

There you go. All right. So, yeah. Thanks, folks. Get the book. Buy the book. Spellbound. Spellbound by Phil Hanley. Will that be your rec? We're very impressed. That's my rec. That's my rec for the week. Get it on Amazon. Spellbound by Phil Hanley. If you could, please buy it. So, this comes out. I have like two.

Two more days to get it on the bestseller list if you buy it. If you buy it today or the next, or I guess, yeah, the next few days, then it would get on the New York Times bestseller list. We're going to get there. Spread the word. Great comic. Great joke writer. Yes. I have every belief that this is going to be amazing. I haven't read it yet, but. You get a copy. I got a copy coming to me. Yeah. I can't wait. All right. Thank you. I'm going to bring it with me on the fucking bus. I'm going to read it for real. So please. I don't want James farting near it. All right.

I'm going to get it too. By the way, I just skipped to a chapter that said sick chicken. Yeah. No. That's a modeling story. Oh, weird. Well, isn't that, that's kismet. Yes. So I can't wait. Buy the book. Support our buddy over here. Please, thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me.

Yeah, of course. Great to see you guys. You want a plunge before you go? Absolutely, yeah. Off camera, but yeah, definitely. We both had our balls in there, so it's a nice... It's filtered. It's a good plunge right there, dude. A hell of a plunge. An RIP Hackman. RIP. We didn't do... We should have... It bugged me a little...

A lot of people were pissed David Lynch didn't get a bigger thing at the Oscars. Yeah, that memorandum is always a popularity contest. People always get pissed. They'll get pissed over random people and they're like, Shannon Doherty wasn't in the Oscars. I'm like,

She wasn't like an Oscar. I mean, I liked her. TV actor. I liked her. She was hot. She was hot. Was she Asian? She had a look. Is that how we're going to? No, Gene Hackman. So this is my book rec. Asian wife. My movie rec is going to be The Conversation with Gene Hackman. There you go. And one more Gene Hackman night moves.

Oh yeah That's a fucking tight way Two unsung great I mean people know the conversation I guess Great moves But it's fucking These are like great movies Yeah And I feel like they get forgotten And God Hackman was great in everything He was the man You know his dad walked out on him when he was 13 No way really Yeah in the interview he was like tearing up over it Yes And he kind of paused and goes Guess you never get over it And I was like Jesus I know Wow What a tough 13 He's playing with his friends in the neighborhood And his dad just goes

And he never saw him again. No way. That was it. Yeah. Wow. Damn. Thanks a lot, folks. Hug your father. Hug your mom. Buy the book. We love you. Thank you for listening, guys. Thanks for having me. See you in hell. Stay for my next event. I'm out to lunch here at noon. This woman has a phone.