Ep 225: Drunk History w/ Chris DiStefano & Yannis Pappas
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Hey, we're here, folks. We might be drunk. We got the hyenas. What's shaking, boys? We're back, baby. Our ticket sales dropped and we have to get back together. Tell me about it. I have a side job. Yeah. Yeah. It's what it is. We're Uber pooling it. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I'm working on my pilot's license.

No, you're not. Oh, really? No. Yeah. I'm working for ICE. I'm cleaning up. I'm making a fortune. Burr has a pilot's license. That's why I'm like, I don't know. I know. He does. Yeah. Yeah. And so, I mean. Just don't sig heil around him. Yeah. For Republican crowds, he may need to. That may be his job. I heard you and John Stamos have the same father. Who, me and Stamos? Yeah. What? It's very possible. No, I was making a Bill Burr, Billy Corrigan joke. Oh. Oh.

What was that move by Howie Mandel? When did he become fucking Maury Povich? That was a stupid move. Strange move. He's a germaphobe. He doesn't have much. I know. Bill should have just touched his hands. Should have licked his fingers. Yeah.

Yeah, you don't want to throw any surprises at Burr. But look at him. I mean, that is dead on. That dad is definitely a piece of shit. Dad is, really. But I mean, do you think some of it is that they're both bald? Like if they both had hair, then it would definitely- Yeah, I heard he fucked Jason Statham's mom and Vin Diesel's. Yeah. That guy's Gary Veeder's dad, too. Terrible father. Right. And Jeff Ross. Yeah.

We should have Buran and surprise him with Elon Musk. Oh, that's big. Yeah, those two guys are having a love fest right now. That's it, baby. Yeah. We'll call Tim Dillon. Yeah. Get Elon on the phone. Apparently, he said Musk suppressed him on Twitter. He's like, I got off Twitter because every time I make fun of him, I get no views. Yeah, I can't go on Twitter without seeing Elon. I can't. There's two things. And here's the deal. When I go on Twitter...

I'm either seeing an Elon Musk tweet or I'm seeing like hardcore, uncut, unadulterated anti-Semitism. Big Jew hate. It's huge. Right. We're back, baby. Yeah, I mean, it's huge.

It's good to know that's just not my feed and that's everyone's. That's very common. It is getting bad. The antisemitism is getting bad. Wow. It doesn't help that I heart all of them. Yeah. Yeah, the problem is I can't look away. I know. Yeah, my whole feed now is just that because I want to know what's going on. Same here. I only follow Kanye, so it's getting rough. Yeah.

Yeah. But that merch is well made, I got to be honest. Well, it's good quality. It's, you know, I'll say what you want about the symbol, but the quality is top notch. Good cotton? Soft cotton. Yeah. And his new album, I think, is just a swastika. And his new studio is two swastikas. You know what's weird is Kanye has got all the swastikas. He wants to be a Nazi. And then Elon Musk does a Heil, but he doesn't.

doesn't want to be a Nazi. Right. So it's almost like they should switch places. Kanye was probably like, you did the Heil? Yeah. I'm doing that. That's my thing. Well, the funny thing is everyone was going like, it wasn't a Heil, it wasn't a Heil, and then you turn on Nick Fuentes who is a, you know, he's an out Nazi. Is that right? And Nick Fuentes was like, fuck yeah. Funny that Nazis have to come out

now. Oh, no, he's not even, there's no closets in his house. He lives in a studio apartment. You can see all the walls. I mean, he is a Nazi and he wants you to know about kid Nick Fuentes. And he said, he was like, yeah, Elon Musk fucking, he was like, that was a Nazi salute. He was like, it was enthusiastic.

Whoa. So Nazis think it was a salute, but everyone else thinks it's an autistic dick. What's his name? Nick Fuentes? I don't know this guy. What kind of Latino name? Yeah, I mean- I'm supposed to be the Puerto Rican Nazi. Dude, racists are more diverse than anything right now. I mean- That's true. Oh, Salacuse. Look at who just showed up. You better have been late because you're cutting my fucking promos. Yes.

It is getting more diverse. Clan rallies have Black Lives Matter stickers now. Yeah, yeah. That was a joke. Kanye is the Joe Robinson of Nazis. I saw you do a bit about that. It was really funny. Yeah, it's true, right? Yeah. He's kind of a... Calcues looks good, cleanly shaven. Yeah. I like it. Just the stache. I love it. Are you on camera? Okay. Let's go.

Let's turn that one off. No, good to have you. Is this the kid? Yeah, and he is a full-blown out white supremacist. It's just like he's all about hating the Jews. Interesting. It's funny because we keep calling people Nazis. Like Obama was a Nazi, Trump's a Nazi, but we actually have Nazis. Yeah, we got a lot of them. Damn. And these guys want the title. Yeah, now they want it. Now they want it.

It's just out. And what I read, the Viktor Frankl's book, Man's Search for Meaning, he was a Holocaust survivor. And he says in the book that if you would have told him and the people that he lived, I think he was living in Germany as a Jew, that in 1930, so 15 years-ish before the Holocaust stuff, that they would have been

This would have happened to them. They would have said, you're crazy. Barbarians did that 200 years ago. We're civilized. So every point in civilization, you think you're the most civilized, that you won't do that again, and then it happens again. We're all the same. We just keep repeating everything. They went after the rich German Jews, and they were like, these guys control everything. That's how it starts.

That's where every conspiracy theory either starts or ends with Jews running everything. Yeah. Yeah. We do have a hand on a lot of things. We do. Yeah. We do. You got any spidey senses? Do you feel some tingling? Are you nervous around microwaves and shit? Can you tell if a hurricane's coming? It might be an STD. I don't know. I don't know what it is. Are you feeling any Jew stuff?

Eh, you just gotta get off your phone. No, not from my crowd. Not from like, I don't like I go into a gas station, I'm like, oh shit. No, but you know, yeah, you gotta just get off Twitter. Well, Jews have the cloak of white guy. Right. Undercover. Yeah, exactly. They're like Cubans. Oh.

Yeah, you're like, are you Latin? You're like, are you? Right. You look Swedish. You just got to not let your Jewish tendencies come out, so you're busted. Like, you can't send food back. Right, no Pepto. Yeah. Right. Not Pepsi or AC on. I know. That doesn't help. I wonder who that one belongs to. Now you got to, like...

You're feeling that, though, right? You can't have an anxiety attack in public. You got to go into the bathroom. Don't let any sign show. Yeah. If someone says, is there any food allergies at the table? You just go, nope. Nope. Then you just deal with the rash. Just take it. You got to deal with going to the hospital. But you guys dominate. Like, I gave birth in a Jewish hospital, and there was a lot of different races and whatnot. I saw some, what are those, Muslim head things. Yeah. So when it comes to the hospital, they want you.

Like you see a Jewish doctor walk in, you go, all right, we're going to be OK. Yeah. You know, so you're they they they pick and choose. They do. It's funny that the conspiracy never goes to that. Like, why are there there only two percent of the population, but they're 14 percent of doctors. Nobody ever goes, hey, what are they doing? Exactly. Didn't we say didn't we talk about on his training is that it's actually a stat that Ashkenazi Jews are the smartest people.

race, the highest intelligence, like data measured. Is that right? You just look at the Nobel Peace Prizes. And it's Ashkenazi. According to RFK, we're also the best at dodging COVID, which I was like, I've never heard about Jews being good at dodging any illness. The only issue with Ashkenazi Jews is they're the smartest, but they all look like Ari. Yeah. It's a tough trade-off. But that's why Jesus is like, hey, I can't give it all. Don't you feel like the right is starting to gaslight in some way the way the left did?

What do you mean? You'd be like, hey, is that a dude swimming in the pool? And they're like, that is a woman. And you're going, she's 6'6". And then they go, yeah, she was a guy two years ago. She was a male swimmer. And it's totally fine. DeRosa jumps in the pool, starts blowing her. Yeah. And everyone's just going like, that's a girl. That's just cool. There's nothing wrong with that. And you're going like, okay. Very gas lady. And now you're watching Elon just go like.

Yeah. And he's like, it's an autistic sick guy. I don't think he's a Nazi, but I do think he's sick hailed. I mean. Yeah. I mean, coming full across? Yeah, twice. Yeah. That's culture appropriation too, by the way. Why don't we call it culture appropriation when you're Nazi Heil? Yeah. Because you're not a Nazi, so where's the left on that? Right. Well, where's the Germans speaking up? That's our culture. Good point. You culture vulture? Yeah. Good point. Yeah. My mother came home and was like, did you see the good news what Elon did? Yeah.

The right is also getting canceling. I posted a Barron Trump joke, and it was like, this is appalling. You should be ashamed. Or an abortion joke they get mad at. You're like, wait, wait, now you sound like the blue-haired queef. Everyone's cool until you fuck with their shit. Yes. Silence is violence unless you speak up and say something they don't agree with. Then you're a piece of shit. Yeah. Good point. Everyone's full of shit. Like, big is beautiful. Hey, we got Ozempic. Put that in my ass. I thought it was beautiful, you fat fuck. It made me call you pretty. Yeah.

Yeah. It just shows. Literally, Ozempic is a drug that we are... You know how people used to walk around with scurvy? Yeah. Obesity, and therefore type 2 diabetes, they don't have to exist. We can fully eradicate it with Ozempic and Mojaro and all that, but...

It's this life-saving drug, but now people are against it because they're like, hey, don't label me that I lost my weight on Ozempic. Who gives a fuck? Just lose the weight, you fat. Yeah. People say they're cheating, but it's like – No, it's a drug. It's a drug. We don't do that with anything. When we get breast implants, we're not like, she cheated. We're like, cool. Yeah. Great. I like natties, though.

I like that. Yeah. That is a great. I don't like him. I don't mind fake boobs. I don't like a fake butt and I don't like fake lips or Botox, but I don't know. I don't mind a little, you know, whatever. Fake tit. Don't hurt anybody. It doesn't. I don't love it. I'd rather not. I think everybody would prefer natural. Yeah. Sure. You know, but I think some good fake tits these days. They do. Yeah, they do. They really do. They really do. You can't tell the fake butt. I'm not into at all.

No. I don't like that at all. I feel like that's how every influencer dies, just like a butt implant. A butt implant. Oh, yeah. Always in Mexico. Right. I was going to say, but Amber Rose and Kim K got the butt taken out. Yeah. Those are some bad ones. Yikes. Yeah. What the hell was happening before? Those are what you call third world tits. Yeah. Yeah. That's when you go to Chile or you go to Madagascar, you're like, give me some implants. Right. Who releases these photos? Yeah.

This is a bad doctor. I guess this is lawsuits. Wow. My tits came out like that. I'd go lawsuit. Yeah, nose job was the original fake tits. What was the nose job? Oh, that was the original one? Right there. I can't tell those two apart.

that's racist this is all not going anywhere you know no what this podcast episode or our careers which one yeah maybe all of it but fake tits trans technology it's going nowhere people are resisting it but you know they also resisted remember when netflix used to do the dvds yeah and then they switched to streaming and people rebelled and they canceled all their netflix

subscriptions when the new technology came out. That's what they're kind of doing with trans. They're resisting. But this technology is not going anywhere. It's not going anywhere. And it'll get better. It's only going to get better. And it'll get probably more acceptable as time goes on where it's like you can just marry a trans woman and nobody even bats an eye. People are just going to give in. The future is going to be wild. Wait till we take We Might Be Drunk to Thailand. Woo! Ladyboy! Yeah. Once we...

Wait till the robots come out and then the trans women are gonna start protesting the robots. - Well dude, did you ever see that movie that just came out with Megan Fox as a robot? - Yes. - That's a real thing that could happen. It's one of the hottest things I've ever seen. She's smoking hot, it's Megan Fox, and she goes to her owner, 'cause the wife is in the hospital, she goes, "I sense that you're depressed."

She goes, and I also sense an increase in blood pressure. There are certain things I can do to relieve your stress about your wife. And then she goes, oh, I've just calculated a rise in blood pressure in your genitals. Whoa. And it's like, so it's all scientific. Yeah. But then her hand opens up and it's just a flesh line. She starts fucking jerking. So she basically just acts like an Asian woman.

Which is great. Right, right. Yeah, just very subservient. Yeah. That's what we kind of like once in a while. Well, that's what we just want to go back to that. Yeah. Let's be honest. But no, the trans women will look at the robots and go, hey, no, we're the fucking artificial women, not you. Ooh. Yeah. They'll be going like, we're- But then they're going to go, women are women. Robot women are women. Yeah, robots will be like, robot women are women. Yes. And the trans women will be like, no, we're the trans women that are women. But they can't win the swim meet because they'll malfunction in the water. They can't. They can't. But the liberals-

able to fucking do. The only way they'll beat us in everything except swimming. It's like black people. The liberals will let in the robots too and they'll be like we have to accept the robots and then the robots will kill all of us. That's how it's going to happen. They're going to be like no we need to tolerate them and then they're going to Yeah it's like Native Americans. The white athlete is safe in the pool.

That's right. And hockey a little bit there. They're starting to bleed in. It's got to be H2O, either frozen or liquid. Exactly. Exactly. Now, wait a minute. We got Leah Thomas dominating the other lady, whatever. Why aren't trans women going into the WNBA?

Yeah. What's taking so long? That could save the sport. Right. Yeah. The sports no one watches. Do you want a man? Yeah. Do you want a man? No one even watched that movie. No. No one wants to see that. I didn't see that. I mean, Brittney Griner's in there. You can't tell me. But I'm talking man to woman. Yeah.

You're talking about a woman? She's going woman to man. Brittany Griner, yeah. No, Brittany Griner's just a, I think she's just a lesbo, but you think she looks like a man. I thought that was Pete Davidson. I think the verdict is not out. He got his tattoos removed. She looks like she's never had tits. I heard her on Fresh Air, and she said when she goes in the bathroom, she has to pull down her pants so people aren't mad. Right. People will be like, what the fuck? And then she has to show she has a vagina, and people are like, sorry. Yeah.

Which is like, you got to feel kind of bad. Yeah. Another thing robots won't have to worry about. Yeah. What are you, tucked back? Because her voice is very masculine, too. She is, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, there has to be a trans man, or like in any sport. Well, the boxer controversy. Oh, yeah, yeah. But that was a woman, wasn't it? That was. She just had really high levels of testosterone. Well, this is how you know sports should be separated by sex and not gender identity, because there is no...

controversy on the other side. Exactly. Because if there was a trans man who could cover Odell Beckham Jr. in the open field, I mean, those jerseys would fly off the fucking floor. Sure. Oh, yeah. That would be a hero. But it's just not possible. Right. Yeah. It's not possible for someone who was born a woman to cover Odell Beckham Jr.

Well, how do they argue that? Like if you said that to like a trans activist, how would they? They can't because there's nothing you can say because it's true. Because there is no controversy. There's no conservatives getting riled up about trans men and men's sports because they can't because sports is separated by sex and not gender identity. And that there is no controversy on the male side shows that there's an unfair advantage there.

For trans women going into women's sports. Very interesting. And it's just what it is. You can support trans women, but you've got to say, hey, sports are separated by sex, not gender identity. And then you just end the whole fucking thing. There you go. Just defuse the whole thing. Oh, yeah. And you're running for office. Yeah. You go, trans women are for secretly sneaking around with, but not sports. Yeah. Right. Very simple thing.

And put them in the military. That would scare the Russians. Yeah, trans women. They're in my internet history, and then they get erased immediately. That's it. That was a joke I tried the other night. Being trans is already kind of like being in the military because you've got to get a new haircut, and you've got to figure out how to work a different piece, and your dad is like, hope he comes back. That's great. Have you heard there's a call in the WNBA to lower the rim? Oh, really? Yeah, to make it more like...

More dunking, more activity around the rim. It would help numbers. I would help numbers because the thing is with the WNBA, it's not men not watching it. It's women not watching it. Of course. So you can't blame that on men because the women – I have two daughters. I've asked my older daughter, let's go to WNBA games. She's like, these are not as fun as the Knicks games. No. They're getting better though. They are getting better. Oh, yeah, they are. They are getting better. Taylor Clark is – I love it. Taylor Clark is awesome to watch. She's awesome. And the reason why she's awesome is not because she's white. It doesn't hurt.

You know, there's a lot of white people in the country, but it's because she shoot bombs.

She shoots balls. That's like the dunk in women's basketball. Whoa, she shot it from the right. In the NBA, who's more fun to watch than Steph Curry? No, he's the best. Well, you know, and dunks are fun. Dunks are fun. Mack McClung, it's like, give him a contract, dude. But he's not in the NBA. Just put him somewhere. It's so sad the way they wheel him out at All-Star Weekend every year, like a freak show. Yeah, but I mean, he's a white kid who can dunk. Really? He's in the G League. He's won the last three dunk contests. He's unbelievable. Really? Pull him up.

Yeah. He jumps over cars. He's unbelievable. Just throw him on the Kings to sell tickets. Mack McClung. And you know what's happening now? It's the same thing that's happening in comedy. These kids, they get drafted to the NBA or D1 scholarships because they go viral on social media from the stuff they can do. And then they get an agent like we would, and it's the same thing. Look at this. Look at this Hulk.

He's 6'2", and he's white. 6'2"! Look at how sick this is. This is crazy. The thing is, even the best dunkers in the NBA just can't do this. Is that right? No, they can't. Who's the best NBA dunker?

Aaron Gordon did this and he didn't do it as good because Aaron Gordon just jumped over the car. But also being that tall is like a disadvantage. Yeah, because you're not as athletic. When I grew up and if you told me the best dunker in a basketball player was a 6'2 white guy and the best running back in football would be a white guy. Christian McCaffrey. I'd be like, what? Oh boy, we're taking over. Yeah.

It's over. Yeah, look at this. We're gentrifying sports. Yeah, look at this. But it is crazy how the NBA just adjusts the rules now because he's not even in the NBA. No. Right. He's in the G. Yeah, but they know what's good for ratings because that All-Star weekend was – you see what hockey is doing? It's so much better. No, I don't. They do like the tournament. So it was – I think it was Sweden, America, Canada, and I believe Finland. That was for the All-Star game? That was their All-Star weekend. I didn't know that. So these guys are savages. Yeah.

U.S. and Canada, three fights in the first nine seconds. Yeah!

And you know, the Kachuk brothers are fucking psychos. Psychos. They're awesome. Couple of hunks. Yeah. And I mean, that's cool, man. You're repping your country as opposed to this All-Star game, which in the NBA, they don't even try. Right. They don't give a shit. So you're saying do a mini, do that in basketball. Well, yeah. Well, they say they don't want to get injured, which I totally get because how mad would you be if your star player got injured? But like, look what these fucking hot, there's like more pride in hockey, I feel. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And when your country's on the line, like, I mean, look what America did in the Olympics when we fucked up.

I mean, we barely beat France, but courage is going off. By the way, one of the best Netflix documentaries is Court of Gold. Did you see that, Court of Gold? Oh, dude, on Netflix? It's a documentary about the 2024 Paris basketball. This is a peeve of mine. The documentary coming out immediately after. I think there's got to be a reminisce period. I want like 10 years. That was like that movie with Nicolas Cage about 9-11.

Yeah. It came out like nine months after 9-12. Yeah. Did you guys, were you writing the script like while the towers were burning? Yeah. You know that NBA views are way down. Really? It's really bad. Oh, yeah. Why? Yeah, but it's also people watching a lot of different ways. But I think NFL's up.

Yeah. Less games. Less games. Yeah. And NFL is just the American sport. Yeah. It's not a holiday. It's a Sunday. NFL is always going to be the biggest in America, but NBA is international, man. It's huge. We had Pac-Man Jones on History Hyenas yesterday. It was unreal to have to like talk to like an NFL fricking cornerback, like who's just

Doesn't give a fuck. Trump, Giannis said, what did you say? He said something about Trump and he was like, I voted for Trump. I already told you that. He got mad at you. He was like, I told you I vote for Trump. I told you that. I was like, oh. And then he asked him, which group is the worst? And you know what he said?

Unfortunately, blacks. Oh. Yeah, he said it. No answer was going to make us feel good. Yeah, it's Pac-Man Jones. If he said Inuits, I'd be like, all right. Yeah. I think we edited that part out, but I guess not now. Yeah. No, he said it. No, no, no. Yeah, I was just asking him a question. But he was just saying. I don't agree.

He was just saying that because I asked him, you know, I wondered, like, you know, we do comedy and stuff like times where you're like, do you ever forget like that you're a pro athlete and like feel not ungrateful, but, you know, just like, do you ever like not pinch yourself? He goes, every day of my life, I couldn't believe that I was playing in the NFL. Oh, I love that. That's cool. That's great. I like that about it because, you know, some guys, you all get all the money, all the fame. They don't feel that way, but he did. Did he keep money? Huh?

Did he keep any money? He said he spent a lot of it, stupid, but he still has enough money. Hell yeah. What was the dumbest thing he spent it on? A slave. I mean, I think he was wearing some of the dumbest stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he was funny. He was cool. He was a great dude. Back to NBA for a second. If this McClung guy isn't

You're saying he's not pro level. He's not. But what about Bronny? He got in. He stinks. I wonder how he got in. I know, but I'm saying if he got in, you could put in the cracker. Matt McClung's father owns an auto zone. Yeah. That's the difference. Get in the zone. Auto zone.

It just shows you America. Nepotism exists everywhere. It exists everywhere. And it's not about color as much as it is about money. LeBron's a powerful guy. He is the NBA. But it shows things have flipped that now the white guy's dunking, can't get a job. Black guy sucks. He got hired. That's it. We flipped it every way. That's what we wanted here. People still fucking complaining. I know. We got it, man.

I mean, listen, a DEI hire in the NBA would be a white guy. At this point. For a long time. Oh, you know what? Asian or Indian. Even when we were bringing up – I always thought about this. Even when we were bringing up, you know, over the last few years, you know –

filling quotas and DI hiring. How come it doesn't apply to sports? Sports you can have an all-black team, an all-white team in hockey. You don't ever have to do that and fill a quota in sports. So what's the difference between? In the arts versus sports? Because you can bullshit in the arts. Yeah, exactly. Subjective. Subjective versus actual hard statistics. Yeah.

Right, but I'm just saying, it's bullshit. If it's got to be DEI, it's got to be everywhere. If you really believe it, might as well put it everywhere. Yeah. Right. But it would ruin sports. Sports would go through the floor. That's what I'm saying. So that's why. It would be kind of funny if they forced a DEI hire for like four minutes a game. Yeah. Yeah. Bring in the Indian guy. Like, fuck. Yeah.

We're getting crushed. Although Jeremy Lin, it worked against him because they profiled him being like, well, we've never seen a dude who looks like this, who's good enough for this level. So that's why it worked against him. And then he was like, oh shit, he also went to Harvard. He was fucking up dudes at UConn at Harvard. We have an Indian guy in the NBA, Steph Curry. All right. Yeah.

We need one of those breakaway bottles for that shit. Can we get more of those? Those were fun. Yeah, those were fun. Yeah, I got you guys cracked me over the head with one last time I was here. We pick and choose, though, because we all love Ukraine, but gay marriage isn't legal there. Sure. So all these Americans were like, we're all racist, and this country sucks. And you're like, yeah, but Zelensky's your hero. He's anti-gay. Yeah, he'd throw you off a roof if you went to Ukraine. Yes. And he's dressed like a ninja. Yeah.

Can you be gay in Russia? No. I don't think they're cool to gays there. Let them fight it out. Gays can fight. People don't realize they have it the best here. They just do. I don't care what you tell me. They just have it the best here, so shut up. There's some places that might be... I love America. There might be some places that are nice to live. There's some good places. No, but I'm saying there's really like

You know, there's not like outrageous issues here like there are in other countries. I mean, you're pretty much safe to do whatever you want, despite what you think. Yeah. The only issue here is that, like, you know, women, you know, have a lot to say. Right. Well, the Texas abortion stuff. Yeah. I'm just kidding. I'm joking. He's in his marriage right now. Exactly.

- Exactly, yeah. But you can move within the country. I know it's not what you wanted to, but you can move within the confines and you can find a place that'll allow it. Other nations, you cannot, like they're not gonna let you get an abortion anywhere in Russia. - No, it is, you go to certain cities, you go to small towns, like the liberal small town, and you go to the coffee shop and the barista's trans, and you're like, good.

Good. That's what they do here. A nice, safe space. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It ain't so bad. I think the best thing America can hope for is that. Is like, everyone stop complaining. Everyone want to be trans? Go to Vermont. Right. Leave Arkansas. First of all, you should leave Arkansas anyway. Right. If you're trans, you should definitely leave Arkansas. Yeah. Go to Vermont. Just move to Vermont. Yeah. And if you're like a crazy... If you're like really into Jesus or whatever, like...

fucking go anywhere. And it works both ways because Musk or Rogan's like, it's too woke here. I'm leaving. I'm going to Texas or I'm going to Phoenix. You're never going to get everyone to like your shit. Everyone's just got to respect their differences. Right. You got to do it. The Jews, they're just different. They run the banks. Accept it. Yeah. I'll be right back. That's what I like. Yummy. Hello. Love the painting.

One of my faves. This is hanging in Epstein's home. Yeah. Is it? Yes, it was. Now, who gets it? It's not the only thing that was hanging in Epstein's home. Ha ha!

Do you know that the JFK files are supposed to be released today? I'm not holding my breath. 80,000 pages. Yeah, but all the names and everything got redacted, they said, because of national security. That's what they said. And Trump's team said that. So it's like- Right. Well, he was the one who promised, right? Yeah. The new JFK files is this black runner who hit the lady with a baton. You following this? What? Oh, pull that up. This is huge news. Oh, yeah.

Oh, but was it by accident or no? Well, that's the question. He claims it was by accident, but when you watch it, you go, how is that an accident? And the other girl, thank God they're both black. Yeah. Because this would be a fucking riot in the street if this was a white lady. This is the was it a Heil Hitler or not of sports. Yes, exactly. All right. This has taken over the internet. Oh, my God. That's a metal baton. Yeah, look. Wow. This is Latonya Harding.

Oh my god. Did she lose a race after that or what? Oh, that's brutal. Played it black and to the left. Oh my god. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Wow. Yeah, that's sports, baby. Yeah. Where was that? In what part of the world? No.

I'm going to go with the South. Black names are the best. Yeah. Chris had a joke on History Hyena is that tariffs are so big that some black kids are going to be named Tarif. Yeah. There's going to be whole generations of Tarifs. Tarifs. Tarif Jenkins coming. Tarif Jenkins, yeah.

Boy, Canada hates us, huh? You know, at the hockey game, when they booed us, Trump apparently did a speech to the players in the locker room before, like, go out, fuck them up, kill them, this is America. Because they booed the national anthem. Yeah. That's what happened.

So they got all hyped up. Yeah, they're not thrilled over there. No. We were at this game. You were at this game? We were there last night. Oh, shit. Giannis, our seats last night were directly next to the Knicks bench. Like I'm talking about the closest Knick to us was right here. Damn. I got to admit, I think it was one of the best nights of my life. Come on.

We were watching Tom Thibodeau coach on the play. I tried to get his tickets, but it was too last minute. I appreciate it. And then so we're watching the game, and then Giannis goes, dude, I think Tracy Morgan's throwing up. And I was like, what? I saw it. I think I might have been the first person that saw it in Madison Square Garden. He was like this.

And then he just went, wow. And he just started vomiting. Bro, he couldn't get up. Like something. What happened? Did we find out what happened? Yeah, he said it's food poisoning. Yeah. I heard Walmart's behind it. Yeah. He'll get a sweet settlement. Nose was bleeding. I bet he's on Manjaro or something. It's bad, dude. Because he was just like sitting there like just vomiting. And I was like, he must not be able to get up. Yeah. Damn. And they had to take him out on a wheelchair. Yeah.

The craziest part of all that is this will help him sell tickets. He could do an arena after that. I was wishing that I was right next to him with a shirt that said, come see me 9-11. That said MSG 9-11 with two thumbs up. Look at the girl's face. She was just looking away.

We were sitting directly across from those two chicks. That's quite a snap. He got the mid-flow of the puke and everything. Yeah, it was a—he was puking, like, profusely, projectile. And then even when they put him in the wheelchair, he was just vomiting everywhere. Holy moly. It was bad.

It was an incredible night. We sat like the two seats next to the Knicks bench. So we were just in the huddle. We were on the Knicks. That's amazing. Yeah, it was one of the coolest experiences ever. The kid in me was just going nuts. It was one of the best nights of my life. The kid in me is also the name of Epstein's novel. I mean, the Knicks aren't that bad. Jesus. Yeah, it was wild. Was it Nimesh Patel's?

I thought it was his Netflix. Catch him on. Shot the whole thing at New York Comedy. Left a sign up and everything. Good for him. Oh, there it is, yeah. There it is. Steph Curry. Indian meme song. That's what it's called.

They have one song over there. How does that work? There's like 18 million people or whatever and there's one song. Apparently the snake charming, very cruel to the snake. Huh. I didn't know that. Yeah, apparently. I can see that. Yeah, it's like fucking with them. Oh, interesting. It's like our laser pointer with a cat. No, I think it's worse. Oh, okay. Shit. I would think the rapes over there are worse. We're not hurting their feelings. They don't have them. Snakes? Yeah, they have no feelings. Really? So if you're going to fuck with something...

Fuck what it's... You know animals. Is that an actual fact? Yeah, they're reptiles. They don't have feelings. They just... Because their brains are too small? Like, they just eat and... Yeah. The lizard brain. It's a lizard brain. They have no feelings. They feel nothing. I know alligators are like that, too. They just eat nothing. Search for food. That's it. Yeah. They fucking live a peaceful existence. You ever see a lizard just... Anything they could just meditate and chill like that. Yeah. No feelings. It must be great. Psychopaths have no stress, no anxiety. They have snake brains. Really great. Like, peaceful. Yeah.

They don't get anxiety. They don't worry about shit. We got to meditate for hours just to get a glimpse of what a psychopath feels every second of every day. But we got Uber Eats. It's the toss up. What do you want? Right. But yeah, alligators. Pull this up if you can. Oh, this is a crab being cooked and he's eating. Wow. He's going out like a fucking G though. Yeah, he is. G.

An alligator in Louisiana, when it snowed for like 10 seconds, the swamp froze and the alligator froze and then it just hung out and then it thawed and he swam away. Wow. Wow.

Wow. Yeah, they're dinosaurs. Yeah, they're really- They can just survive anything. The only way to kill an alligator, I don't know if you guys watch Swamp People. These are my roots. But you got to go up and shoot it at a certain part of the head. You can stab it. You can shoot it in the back. You can, you know, flamethrower. You got to shoot it in one part of the skull. It's the only way to kill it. Wow. Really? Yeah. Now, your ancestors that went to New Orleans, they did some bad stuff, didn't they? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Awful people. We were talking about that before, like the Norman family name, like there's something. You were not kind to people who had a little more melanin in their skin. Well, in my defense, I'm half Guinea, and we were hung. Oh, you were half Italian? In New Orleans? Yeah. Yeah, they hated Italians. More Italians got lynched in Louisiana than Jews. Wow.

I didn't know that. Oh, yeah. Big Italian hate down there. Wow. Nice. We don't get any love for it. Why is that? I think because we were a little swarthier, a little grosser, greasier. Yeah. You know, we were louder. Yeah, they didn't like them over here for a while. Cold sauce gravy. Yeah, exactly. A lot of annoying stuff. Lynchings, murder of 11 Italians. Wow. Yeah. That was a Tuesday. Yeah. Those are some guys right before they got hung, they just called out Ma. Yeah. Ma. Ma. Ma.

I love you, Ma. Go, M. Doodish. Yankee score. Somebody take care of my Ma. Jason Giambi for life. Free Luigi. Ma. I love this fucking country. What does free Luigi mean?

What are they supposed to do? Let him out of jail? What else could it mean? I know, but what are you supposed to do? Is murder not supposed to apply just because you hate insurance companies? What are you supposed to do? That's a good question. It's a silly statement. He shot a dad in the back. Yeah, you can't do that. Maybe they need a new slogan. You're almost going like, free Luigi. Free Luigi from what? He committed murder.

Well, that's what it is. People think, I think this. I hate this guy. I hate this company. So shoot people. Yeah. Like, that's where we're at now. It's just like, I don't like something. Get rid of it. Like, I understand their point. They're saying, like, oh, the insurance companies are bad. But the guy did commit a murder. We have laws. Like, how do you feel? You got to do it. Also, it didn't work. Yeah. Healthcare still sucks. Yeah. Like, it didn't even help. Yeah. But it got us talking. It got us talking. That's right. And we saw him shortly. That's the start of the dialogue. When I saw Norman in the ice bath yesterday, I said, body by Luigi. Yeah.

It's got to have something to do with how hot he is. Oh, of course. That's all it has to do with. What about this sex tape? This sex tape that they're apparently trying to get for 500 grand with Louis. What? Have you heard about this? I'll donate. From the channel seller? No, no. Before that. Funny, just some black guy ramming him. Yeah.

Money well spent. Yo, one of my friends is a cop. One of my friends is a cop. I was like, what? He goes, there was a new guy that was in the jail. This was like a week ago. And he texts me. He goes, bro. He goes, one of the head guys and the head prisoners in the jail just told this new kid. The kid was taking a shit. He goes, the prisoner comes by the jail cell. And he goes, turn around, look at the wall, and don't wipe. Ooh. I was like, what? Because it's natural lube. Exactly. Ooh. Yikes.

That's not good. It was Diddy. Pink eye. They're in the same jail, by the way. Diddy, Luigi, and a third one. Bankman Freed. That's who it is. It's like an old joke. Yeah, a Jew, an Italian, and a black walking to a cell. I'll put that big three up against any other big three. They all get raped. No, that's crazy. Crazy. Baby oil meets olive oil. Yeah. Love it. I like it. All right.

Yeah, this is a wacky time to be alive. It is a wacky time to be alive. You know Luigi gets all the props in there. White collar, I guess you get some love, but the way he did it is more fucked up. I feel like Madoff got more props in prison than a guy like Bankman Freed. Good point. Right.

Yeah, Bankman Free. And now, and out of those, I mean, look at this. He's a gay man, though. That's a gay post. He's definitely gay. Yeah. He has to be. You can't get that ripped unless you're... That's why he had back problems. Yeah. That's why I think you're a fucking homo, Norman. Look at those abs. You queer.

I mean, that is a 10 out of 10 bod. Yeah. He's a killer bod. Yeah, dude, would you? Again? No. Hell yeah, dude. Apparently he had real bad back problems, too. I'd fuck him for that. And he eats McDonald's, too, which is even more impressive. Yeah.

I mean, he is a hottie. He's a hottie with a body. Yeah. Yeah, like, that's like, you know, one of those, if, like, your ex-girl, if, like, your girlfriend, if that was, like, her last boyfriend, it just hurts. Oh. Just hurts if it's this guy. Yeah. When girls go and do a semester in Italy, like, you know, like rich girls, that's what they think they're going to meet a guy like that. Right. Yeah, that's their dream. So I think it's playing into their... And instead they meet a guy who looks like Salicus. That's what happens. Because when you go to Italy... He chains him to a radiator. Yeah.

He's like, I'll feed you when I feel like it. He goes, I want to edit your pussy. He's just taking photos. She's chained up. It is true. When you go to Italy, there's like three Luigi's and the rest of them just look like. Yeah. The rest look like Polly Walnuts. They're short people, the Italians. Italians are true. Not this one. Jacked, ripped.

How tall is he? Threw it all away. I'm going to go six even. I'm going to go five, nine. Yeah, I don't think he was as tall as... Okay. Remember Paulie Walnuts used to live in Bay Ridge? Yeah. To be honest, we used to see him wear his apartment. Really? We used to go walk down by the water in Bay Ridge when we were doing those Bay Ridge Boys stuff, which we just put another episode out, by the way. Chris Mullen and the crew of 82. Yeah. That's up at YouTube.com. You got Chris Mullen in there? No, we did a sketch about how...

because I have a good jump shot that I am I possibly Chris Mullins' illegitimate son. And we just wrote a whole sketch about it. Allegedly, we got word that him and his family don't appreciate it. Well, yeah. You know who loved it, though? Mitch Richmond. Mitch Richmond. He reached out to us. He reached out. Whoa. The Rock. Yeah. He was a badass. Yeah. We heard that he didn't appreciate the fact that we were alluding to the fact that maybe he cheated on his wife in 1982. Yeah.

So I guess that wasn't family watching for them. But it was just a sketch. Yeah, it's a sketch. Chris doesn't know his pops. And then his mom, who is played by the woman from, she was in Orange is the New Black. She was great. She was great, yeah. But we would see Paulie Walnuts. And he, so what his real story is, you know he got on The Sopranos? So he was a real mobster. Oh, wow. That's real. And so he came in for an audition.

And he told, they auditioned all these people, and he told the casting agent, he goes, listen, me and David Chase, he fucking knows me, so he already told me I got the part. And then the casting agent was like, well, you know, obviously you have to audition people, whatever, and I wasn't told of that. And he goes, I got the part. I know him. He's a friend of mine. Wow. And then he allegedly said something like, he knows we already spoke that night.

that I got to get that part so you're going to just give me the part now and if you let him know that I told you anything about it he's going to be a bigger problem for him so it was this whole thing that was all made up yeah she just gave him the part what supposedly that's the story I heard from my guys that know him that know the real him he's a legitimate like I saw him one time leaving the supermarket and he was holding all his bag like he had like so many bags like he was like in his 80s so I said to him

I said, hey. It's a pinky in there. You know, his name's Tony Sirico. So I said, hey, Mr. Sirico, like, you know, my name's Chris. I live in the neighborhood. Would you like any help with your bags? He goes, I ain't no fucking mook. I'll take my own bags. Damn. And I was like, all right, see you later. He was in Goodfellas, too. And Boys Over Broadway. Yeah, so he had a resume.

Yeah. He fought his way into every role. Hey, Woody, I got the part. Yeah, right. That's a look, dude. He was great on the show. Oh, my God. He's fucking amazing. Perfect. You can't picture anyone else as Pauly Walnut. I mean, that hair. Look at the hair. Didn't he recognize you once, too? Yeah. What did he say again?

The supermarket thing. No, but didn't he say, like, take care of his stuff or something to a guy helping him to you? No. Well, he told me later on, he was like, you know, somebody said I was like a comedian. He goes, I like what you do and you represent the neighborhood. Hey. He does the three like this. Yeah. Hey, T. That's what Trump did with Zelensky. He did that one. Yeah. If you can pull that up. I might know when Zelensky got yelled at. Isn't that Chaz Palminteri from Bronx Tale? He does it too. Probably, yeah. The Bulls.

I think you're the comedian for these guys. Yeah. 100%. No, Sebastian is. I'm not. I'm the guy for maybe their sons. I'm not. Sebastian, any hope I had of getting this fan base was just taken by Sebastian. It was Dice, Sebastian, now you. Yeah, well, based off my ticket sales, not me. You're doing great, dude. No, we are. We're doing good.

Damn. What, he died? I didn't even know he died. Paulie Walnuts died a few years ago. Yeah. Not that old either. 79? Guys lived to their 90s. That's old for a gangster. That is. That's a good point. Yeah. Damn, Biden's 80. Yeah. 81? 81 probably. What the hell are you doing, Giannis? I'm getting a snooze. Snooze. Yeah, you got to get a snooze. You're addicted to the snooze. What is this, Giannis? It's this. It's Nick T-Mobile.

Oh, no, no. Snooze is not a good word for that. Why are you taking that? Don't call it snooze because it's Swedish. Guy who's drunk at noon. I do do that to people. I'm like, there's processed sugar in that. Meanwhile, I'm six Manhattans deep. I'm sorry for my bad habits, Sam. Yeah. No, Vito called me out for that on the road. I was like, no, there's too much sugar in this. And I was drunk as I was giving him the advice. You've got to even it out at least. At least you're eating right but still drinking wrong. Yeah, yeah.

He would try to be healthy, but having some bad ethnic farts on that. Pull up the video I sent you. This bus, we're on a tour bus right now, and there are some bad farts on this bus. Oh, wow. Impressive. Look at the little smile at the end. Look at this devious. Oh, wow. This is not happening on the Tig Notaro tour. This is a dude thing. Yeah.

That's good bass and treble. Oh, he's so proud because his farts are the loudest. Littlest guy with the loudest ass. Yeah. Well done. There will be a lot of silences in the bus, and then there will be just a horrible smell, and we'll look around like, who did it? Yeah. But what can you do? We're all doing it. Little Gary. You're trying to eat clean, but what's the healthy option this time? We'll get Turkish food, and then our asshole just... Yeah. You can't poop on that bus. No.

No, no. Do you guys like the bus? I like it. Yeah? For my lifestyle, I like it. For you, you got a family. Well, no, just for that alone, I'm like, I got to be able to shit. I mean, you saw what I did in your bathroom. I smelled it. I went in right after you. I was furious. I was like, this guy's a fucking pig.

Yeah. We did an episode on Louis XIV, and there was no toilets in Versailles except for his toilet. Come on. So everyone would just shit all over Versailles. In the palace, like behind a curtain. Shit. There was no toilet. What? The only toilet was his. Was that a mental thing, like a power move? It could have been because he actually would do business meetings on the shit.

It was part of the ritual for everyone to gather around and watch him shit. Watch him shit. And then he had anal. He's really rubbing it in too. He is rubbing it in. Just taking his shit. And then he had anal fistulas, which is like, you know, protruding like blisters coming out of his asshole. And they didn't know like what to do. It's because of poor hygiene. Yeah. And then so they finally like,

fixed it kind of a little bit with the surgery but because they didn't want to just practice the first time on the king they took like 14 15 pens and they just started ripping apart their assholes whoa the technique killing them they didn't care throwing them down the toilet and they got it right for king well you know what it is if you sit on the shitter for too long you get the hemorrhoids so you're probably just shitting for weeks yeah but how it's so easy to sit in the toilet forever you just bring a laptop in you throw on a fucking dock you

Yeah. Oh. It's like Louis XVI. Yeah. Well, King was – Yeah, he brought in a small slave. It's tough. Yeah, right? Dude, it's torture. If I have 2%, like, I will fucking – even if –

I have diarrhea. I will wait. It's like wait until it gets to like 4% just to be able to take my phone into the shitter. Yeah. Try shitting without your phone. You're going with laptop? That's bad. You got a phone. Phone is bad enough. You're going with a full computer. Do some work emails. Dude, I go in with a desktop. You don't want to watch a Ken Burns in there. I bring the whole thing in. You got Ken Burns Civil War. You're going to get a complete. I'm going in with a fucking Zenith.

But can you imagine people used to shit without phones? I would stare at a wall. You'd pick up an Ajax. Books. You would read the shampoo bottle. Yeah. I made it work. You would think. You would think. You would think. You'd be bored for a second. Well, that's why meditation is – I saw an article about this. That's why it's so important today and why they're trying to ram it down your throats to meditate is because you never give your brain a moment. Never. Because you're constantly occupied. So that's why they're saying if you can just detach for 20 minutes –

your brain will be like you'll feel like a superhero where if 40 years ago you didn't have to do it as much because you had just these times in nature or not looking not having to be stimulated all the time I see when my kid I gave my daughter she's nine I gave her a cell phone but it's called GAB G-A-B-B so it's

specifically designed to help children you know who have to lean into technology because the world we live in but not get addicted to the phone so it's like it's not an iphone it can only do certain things it only can send out like 100 texts in the day right it doesn't have any social media apps nothing you only get i kind of like the idea of 100 texts then you're then you're like oh these actually mean something yeah you know but even her even with that if you once you tell her hey

time for the you know no phone you know you give her like a five minute grace period it's like a it's like a drug when you take it from them like she's so angry and then she's so agitated like I have a three-year-old so like you know three-year-old would be three-year-old

And she doesn't really annoy her that much. But when my daughter's on the phone and my three-year-old starts running around, she starts screaming at my daughter. And I'm like, oh, shit. That's how we all are as adults subconsciously. Especially if you have kids. The only time I ever really ever yell at my kids is when I'm trying to do something on my phone and they're just asking me to be their father. I'm like, not right now. I got to post. Well, it makes you wonder, has hemorrhoids gone up?

Because you get on the toilet and it's your only alone time. Yeah. So you're going to have to sit for a while. You're going to text. You're going to do emails. You're going to look at shark attacks or whatever. Sure. I have them on the inside of my asshole and they just said leave them. You have innies? Yeah, I got innies. Wow.

They just flatten the shit as they come out. So it's like a rolling pin. I remember that. We used to take pencil shits, we used to call them. Yeah. And so I was worried. I was like, is this a prostate thing? Colon cancer or something. Yeah. Do you guys hate your prostates? Your shits look like taquitos. They do. They come out like tacos. Yeah. They really do. Soft tacos. If you got pegged, it might clean house a little bit. Well, that's what we were saying the other day. Because we were talking about Louis XIV, and it's like, why doesn't a guy just come and just clean it out? Clean them out. That's what Giannis has on the inside of his asshole. No, I haven't gotten one.

one yet. You need to get them. Really? Really. Just tell everybody. I'm 38. At what age do I have to get them? I got my first one at 35. Dude, the propofol alone, you feel great. They're already lowering it. I do like the propofol. It's an epidemic. I have 4.5.

People need to know. It's the most preventable cancer. Do it. I had four polyps when I was 35. I had like seven when I was 40. Whoa. And as long as you go, they know how long they grow. So what they do is they burn them off for you, and then my doctor says come back every five years. Yeah. Three to five years because they know what –

It's okay to have them, the polyps. They know they take this long to grow. So that's what it is. We've lost every young listener on this podcast. I'm telling you. You've got to get rid of those polyps. We're doing a service to people right now. Go, just tell your doctor, I feel bloated, something's up, I'm getting some pain. They give you a colonoscopy, and then if you have them, they take them out. Let's do it. You want to do it together? Patreon. Yeah.

It's the most preventable cancer if you catch it early. It's the most deadly if you don't. You're dead if they grow up. I wish my biological father had it. It would have been nice to have him kick the dirt. Right. He had prostate cancer. The only fucking thing he passed down to me. Do you ever see him? You know him? No, I don't see him.

Come on in. He's coming in. Welcome to Howie Mandel. You Howie Mandel me there? Mr. Morale. He's coming in on a walker. Oh, yeah. Speaking of hemorrhoids. When you're looking for the most comfortable underwear that's going to cradle your balls and make your package look awesome, sheath underwear is where it's at. It's the official underwear of comedy. Anyone who's anybody is wearing them. Let's see if I'm wearing right now. See? Yep, sheath.

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Really the best underwear I've ever had. I wear them every day, so you should give it a shot. Get sheath underwear, support the show, support your balls. By the way, I did a gig this weekend. Chevy Chase shows up. Whoa! In a wheelchair. Whoa! We did that Adam Ray thing, Dr. Phil, and it was at Chicago Theater, so it was like a big one, and Chevy Chase got wind of it, and he just showed up with his handler and wheelchaired it in. And he did a set? He did a little interview for like 10 minutes, and then... How was he?

A little persnickety. Yeah. You know, he didn't. What is it? Because they always say he's like so tough to be around. But like, is it ego? Is it like, what is it about him? I don't know. That's a good question. I think it's ego. I think he's just like, he's just that guy. He's like, I'm a dick. And he's a difficult guy. That's what I hear. I didn't even ask for a photo. I was like, holy shit. That guy's a, you know, comedic legend. Vacation and all that. That was funny. You were like, he's a dick. And he goes, and he's a difficult guy.

But there's a difference. There's a difference, yeah. You know what's crazy, too? Your dick and you're difficult. Then you're a real dick. I guess I'll be a real dick. This guy, Dan, I know, he told me, you know, like, what's happening, like, in comedy with all of us being, like, you know, Adam Ray selling out the Chicago Theater, like the venue size we were doing. He said he used to book the Chicago Theater in the late 90s. He goes, and in the late 90s, it was like,

unheard of for a comedian even a big comedian to be able to sell that place out he said i had don rickles in there wow 1999 we have to curtain off the balcony wow that's done rickles as a legend already for years and he said so what we're doing like with these ticket sales he was like this is like crazy and unheard of and you guys should be happy with what's going on even if the sales are down a little bit because he was like you this did not happen ever in comedy rick rickles is looking at the curtain like all sad like there should be a

up there. Yeah. It's that scene from Louie was the best scene about that. Oh, yeah. With the Dane Cook one? No. Joan Rivers? Joan Rivers. That was great. What was it? Great episode. Great episode. Of Atlantic City? It goes back to like the cabaret lounge or something like that? Yeah, he's like complaining. He's complaining about the room. He's in the small room. She's in the big room.

And she gives him this speech about like, hey, that's the career. You go big, small, back to the big, small. Yeah. And then he just tries to kiss her. It's so funny. Yeah, I think they fuck at the end. Yeah, yeah, it's really funny. Yeah, but it's just cool. It's cool because it's coming from her. Yeah. Christine wouldn't have carried weight if it wasn't like Joan. It had to be Joan Rivers. It had to be Joan. And the fact that she's been through hell.

You know shit through hell. That hack show kind of covers this. They do a good job of doing the old school, new school, and the older lady's like, you got it good. You're a writer. You work in air conditioning, craft service. You get free lunches. Shut the fuck up. She's like, I had to grind my way to the top. The Clark guy, that asshole, he came out and took your jobs from you. Knowing you're lucky. Yeah, I know. I mean, I know all that. It's just that sometimes I get sick of the bullshit. Sick of the bullshit?

Ah!

I don't want to guess that. Guess, come on. To go from clubs to Carson and Carson to Fox and my own show on daytime and Emmy and then the great carbon. Give me another. Give me another. I don't want to guess. And then with Melissa now, I have my own show. Give me another. Guess, guess, come on. Give me another. Guess, guess, guess, guess, guess. I want to hear a number. 40. Excuse me? Around 40. How?

Pull up her red carpet style. She has a best of. The answer was none, you idiot. Yeah, dude, I mean, Louie's new shit, by the way, is fun. Oh, my God. His new hour is incredible. He's fucking locked in right now. This shit would be on Kill Tony now. Get to the actors. Actors, okay.

She was a beast. Beast. Filthy, raw, fun...

I love the doc on there too. Yes. It's great. It's the best. I saw her live. Wow. Really? Yeah. We went to, she used to do the basement of this Chinese restaurant, like right in Midtown. It was like a workout room? Yeah. Whoa. She would do like an hour, hour and a half. Did she kill? Killed. I mean, she's so mean. Yeah. I saw her just for laughs. Yeah. In like 2013. I think celebrities killed her.

Really? Yeah, because she's so fucking mean and hilarious. But she was mean. She was mean. Yeah. She said fucked up shit to their face. Yeah. Yeah, she... And her act was filled with that stuff. Right. Oh, yeah. The way she died, didn't they blame doctors for kind of fucking that up? Yeah. Yeah. That's brutal. She was getting surgery, and I think they fucked up the anesthesia. Yeah. Oh, what was the surgery? Like plastic surgery? Yeah. Yeah.

I think it was dental. Was it dental? Dental surgery? I think so. Interesting. But it was like not in a professional setting. It wasn't like in a, it was like in an off brand, like a guy with his own practice. Yeah. Small, yeah. Michelle Obama dentistry. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

Because she called her a man. I'm doing her podcast. Are you? No. Yeah. She would never have me, but... Was Joan Rivers the one that started it? She was one of the first ones, but she was the biggest person to say it. That's right. Yeah. She would always comment on her arms. Yeah, and so she was like, she's a man. Everyone knows she's a man.

What was it? A routine endoscopy. Wow. What's that? A butt stuff? I think it's down your throat. Oh. Endoscopy's in the butt. Endoscopy's in the mouth. Got it. That's crazy. That, like, is so routine. Yeah. Malpractice lawsuit. Goddamn. Maybe you're right. Maybe it was a, like. Yeah. Michelle put a call in and said, you know what? I don't like her talking anymore. Yeah. Yeah. Just like the chef. It's like the chef. Yeah. I don't like you talking anymore. Damn. I don't want talking.

This is for sucking, not for talking. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Joan. Joan Rivers calls President Obama gay. His first lady is. How about these breakup rumors? Oh, between them. Of Barack and Michelle. I don't think it's true.

Well, they... I mean, I don't think that Barack Obama's dating Jennifer Aniston. No. Right. She's racist. No, but they are not being seen together a lot. What'd you say? They're not being seen together a lot. That's true, and it's got to be a hard life. That's because Michelle's going for swimsuits. Dude, Chris solved the cock thing on Ellen. It was a fucking battery pack. Oh! It was a battery pack. That's what it was. Yeah, she... It's just a cock. You never watch this?

You can see something swinging. You can even see that it's the battery pack. It's what it is. Yeah. From the mic. She's mic'd up. Why is this entertaining? I don't get the, uh, what's the talent here? Because America's retarded. Yes. Apparently. Yeah. This is what daytime TV is, Mark. This is why Theo Vaughn gets way more numbers than, uh, what is the upside of it? No, the problem is, Mark, we're not dancing enough. Yeah. You know who else danced? Bill Cosby.

He would always dance in the beginning of his show. Dancing might be a sign of evil. I think we got something here. Michelle Obama penis Ellen. There's one where she's walking outside. Downstairs, there it is. All right, I'll be able to tell you what kind of cock this is. This kid knows cock. It's one of my specialties. Let's see. Okay, that was a... That's Lennon.

Those were her balls. Yeah. Oh, she grabbed something. Yeah. All right. Well, this has turned into... You can see us on Truth Social. She's hot. I think Michelle Obama's hot. She's got a gorgeous body. I mean, the Big Mike jokes are funny, but I don't think she's a man. No. No. But then Macron's wife... No. I don't think... That's what they're saying. Who was saying... Candace Owens. Yeah, but it was someone else. Candace Owens. Oh, wild. No, she says a lot of crazy shit. Who was it that... It was someone...

LSU's been saying that. The story is crazy. She was his teacher. I know. She's like 35 years older. He was friends with her daughter. I mean, the whole thing's insane. He was banging his teacher and it worked out. And it worked out. Yeah, but isn't that just French?

I heard in France, you're allowed to cheat on your wife as long as you don't fall in love with the other woman. So you can physically cheat. And then it's like, it's not like they love it, but they're not going to divorce you over that. Like you couldn't bring that up in divorce court, which is a real thing in France. Divorce court, dude, there's this thing. We got to do a history episode on this. In like the 1600s, 1700s, you could not, you could, they would allow you for like a period of time in France to,

You could only get divorced from your husband if he couldn't get it up. If he had an impotence issue, they would, in a divorce, a French divorce court, if you could- That sucks because then everyone knows why you got divorced. But that's the only way they would allow it. So what would happen is you would have to go in front of a court with an audience, like a court today, and have sex with your wife. And if you couldn't get it up- Come on.

I swear to God, it's real. But that doesn't mean your dick doesn't work. That means it doesn't work with her. Impotence trials where men were forced to prove their virility was a legal justification of divorce rooted in the belief that marriage's primary purpose was procreation. This is the ultimate blue-chew commercial. Seriously.

Maybe your dick does still work. It just doesn't work with her at that point. That's what I would have said. Good point. I would say, give me any other woman in here. I'll show you. She's gross. Look at this bush. Also, the pressure's on. This is the hardest boner ever to get up. But here was the loophole. You would get divorced. You could get...

you know, they would grant you the divorce. Fine, you know, whatever. But it was like a whole process to grant you a divorce that like didn't happen that day. And in French law at this time, if you, a family fight, like if you killed your spouse, handled with the family, French court doesn't intervene. What years? So you would kill. So these guys would get the divorce and then have this two week lay period where if that woman didn't get away, like, well, now we're going to fucking kill you. Oh, what about, here's a question about the vaginal times. Yeah. Do they put the vaginal wetness on trial?

Oh. That's something, too. Yeah. Equality. That's it. I like it. 1600, someone said. Yeah, pre-Revolutionary France. I thought it was 81. I'd have no problem getting hard because the room would be full of dudes in wigs. Yeah. Yeah. That's a whole story. You would be fucking it. They would all be going, that's it. I don't know.

Do you know that in ancient Greece, if your wife was frigid, meaning she couldn't come, they would match her with another woman who couldn't come, and they would scissor. Come on. They said there was like a buildup of blood in there that you had to sort of release. They had to do it together. Did it work? Yes, because they're probably lesbians. That's Roman propaganda, dude. So then my wife's a lesbian? No.

That's not true. Ancient Greeks didn't consider the sexual desires of women. Ah, good point.

Good boy. Dude, ancient medicine is wild. I mean, they used to think, I mean, George Washington, they would put leeches on him. Sure. And just suck his blood out. Like, you got to go, when you go back in time and you think, like Thomas Jefferson, when they had the Louisiana Purchase. There you go. I was right. Yeah. What are they saying? Look, women's lives were significantly restricted with their primary roles centered around domestic duties and maintaining the household in ancient Greece. Let me type in scissoring now. Yes. I don't think they use the word scissoring in those books, man, but we'll see.

SC? Are you seriously spelling it S-I? S-C-I-S-S-O-R-S. They're scissoring. Frigid. You can find anything, though, if you plug it into the internet. Journal of Women Empowerment. I've never heard this.

Wait a minute. Mythology, select a female character. Yeah, this is from Greek mythology. Mythology is not reality. Journal of Women in the Armament. There's no god of war. This guy thinks Hermes is real. Get him. Herpes is real. So the court of law made Aphrodite and Hermes scissor? Probably. Well, Hermes is a devil. Yeah, I know. I can't think of another female guy because there's not. Athena. Athena. Artemis. Medusa. Medusa.

Medusa wasn't a... She'll get your dick stoned hard. She was the one snake hair? She's the one that sounded Puerto Rican, huh? Chris already knocked her up. 100%. She has a tattoo on her stone tit.

I want to know, was female homosexuality accepted in ancient Greece? Probably wasn't. Homosexuality was accepted in ancient Greece. No, women. Female. Isn't lesbian named after a Greek island? When you look back in history, you recognize one thing, that homosexuality was widely accepted in every race, religion, culture, creed. We accept homosexuality the least today. Oh, no. Africa. Africa.

Yeah, it's rough there. Oh, you mean we as humans? No, I'm saying- Not even American. No, no, no. Like gay people throughout history- Yeah, it was like a power thing. It was like, yeah, nobody cared. We care about it the most today. Right. But even just man-to-man love, like even samurais. Samurais were gay. Yeah.

Really? Even when they killed themselves. Penetration. Yeah. Penetration right there. But they were gay. On their knees. Pure love was restricted for guy on guy. Guy on guy was pure love. Ancient, what was it? The Sacred Band of Thebes. They would all have sex with each other. Elite warriors. Elite warriors would all have sex with each other for a battle because in their mind, they were like, well, the only way we can really protect each other and my fellow brother in battle is if I'm in love with you. The only way I can fall in love with you is if I put it in your ass the night before. Women were...

Looked at a lot for procreation But for fun it was more like You had a buffet at the table of eunuchs You know, boys Kind of the same today You knock up your wives then you go to the Knicks game with the boys That's what I'm saying Except you fuck them Mark and I jerk each other off in the bathroom I'm loving it Take it to the hole What's this, African care? Core Why are you gay? What's your gender?

I'm a mechanic! The fuck? I don't think you can be gay in Dagestan. And so aliens will be in a deeper shit. Oh no, that is not parliamentary. What are we watching? African Corps. What is that? It's sort of like ultra manliness in Africa. Oh, okay. Well, now that I know, play one. You just put it on. You didn't explain it. Sorry, I thought we were talking about Africa. Africa.

That's the other thing about America. Everybody shits on America, but whenever the war breaks out, they call us. Yeah, we're ugly Americans. We're stupid. We're picking up the bar tab. What is your gender? My gender. We saw that one. I'm a mechanic. I'm very confused what's going on. I don't know what you're doing here. What is this? I thought we were talking about

Machismo in Africa. What does mechanic have to do with it? Yeah, but what did that video have to do with that? They're so not gay that it's like, what's your gender? And he goes, mechanic. Pull a video up of a guy cutting a clit off of a woman. Now we're getting somewhere. Journal of powerful women that you subscribe to. What the fuck is that? Jesus Christ, dude.

Yeah. Clip cutting still happening and slavery still happening. Yeah. In Saudi Arabia, it's the biggest it's ever been. Wow. Nobody sells more tickets than slavery in Saudi Arabia. Is it? I don't know if it's still happening. 100%. Who do you think built all the fucking soccer stadiums and all...

I saw something that said that the most amount of human slaves that have ever existed in the world is right now. And it's mostly in the Saudi Arabian Middle East. Some of these African nations, they enslave, you know, the people there. And what is it? Where's all the war happening that's awful in Africa? It's like way bigger problem than... Darfur? No. Congo? Yeah.

everywhere yeah everywhere somewhere no it's maybe it's somalia somalia where it's like they're going around it's like a kenya it's like a 10 times worse problem than russia ukraine i'll say this one slow niger niger right it's the country didn't help yeah niger police chicago

Yeah. I like to call that country African America. I like to call it Niger. Niger. See? Yes, while slavery was a reality in 1860, estimates suggest that far more people are in some form of modern slavery today. Define modern slavery. What's an example? Like forced labor, forced marriage. Right. Forced labor, forced marriage, other forms of exploitation which differ from the historical. Transatlantic. That's the name of J.K. Rowling's boat. Yeah.

My theory is, you know how they have the pyramids in what is now Mexico? Yes. And people always wonder what they do in there. What happened was, I think the Egyptians were probably the first ones, and this was lost in history, to figure out boats. They went over there. They saw what the Mexicans built, brought them back.

And built the pyramids. Because who could build pyramids like that? It's like, dude, anyone who owns a house knows it was Mexican. It was Mexican. I don't know, dude. Jews are pretty good at building stones and stuff like that. We're fucking sure. Yeah, they did the ones in Egypt. No. Jews did? Yeah. No, I don't probably know. I thought it was Jews. I thought it was Jewish slaves. I haven't seen a Jew do manual labor in my entire life.

Jesus the carpenter. And I grew up around Jews. Okay, well, maybe the... Here's another theory. Maybe the Jews in Egypt called maintenance and they did it for them. Exactly. Jesus. And they went on a boat. So maybe it was a collab effort. I used to live in Crown Heights. You'd see Jews with like a tool belt. No, there are. There are. It was weird. We're making a joke. Yeah.

Not many, though. No, not many. Not many. But the Mexicans, dude. And it's just a coincidence that they happen to be in Mexico and they happen to be there. Mexicans built the fucking pyramids. Now, have we done a date? Like a, what do you call it? You can see the date made of each? Well, they don't know. They try to guess where. They don't know the exact dates that these things were built, right? They don't know. But I believe these are 3,000 to 6,000 years old where the Yucatan ones are in the 1,500 years old. Okay, you're right. No, he said first. First.

I'm right, dude. I'm telling you, it was Mexicans. No, no, he's saying you're wrong. I'm saying the Egyptian pyramids are far older. Oh. That's what he's saying. So they actually found records of- So the Mexicans, they look alike. The Mexicans, they got on a boat from Egypt, and they went and built those over there. But then why are the ones in Mexico younger then? Dude.

All I'm saying is when you hire Mexicans, you go and you make a coffee. Whatever job you told them to do, it's done. Right. You're just like, hey, can you take it? And then you turn around and the fucking tree or the fucking thing is built. Right. And then you go, how did you do it? It's the same question I'm asking in my head that everyone's asking about the pyramids. The answer is Mexicans. That's what it is. They're the only ones who can do that shit. It's like a fucking magic trick. Yeah. And they'll take the work overseas before they work in their own home. Exactly.

This was off the books Mexican labor. There you go. I'll tell you one thing. That's it. Under the table. There was no receipt of the work for this. This was off the books. Okay. We just got to find some used halal plates around there and we'll know it's them. Some empty bottles of haritos. Yeah, exactly.

All right, we're learning. This is why it's great to have you guys. I'm talking a lot about hitting Louis XIV, hemorrhoids, pyramids, Mexicans. We do accurate. It's learning, but it's fun. Yes! Oh, we want to tell you.

Louisiana Purchase. Thank you. Right? Jefferson. Thomas Jefferson, El Presidente at the time. Oh, you better believe it. This is what just shows you how at every point in history you think you know everything and you really don't know anything. The smartest man right now, Elon Musk, say, or people like that,

Howard Hughes, Ben Franklin. 200 years from now, they're going to look back at some of the things that Elon Musk thought was correct that was wrong and be like, these fucking idiots. Yeah. Because it's just what it is. Thomas Jefferson, arguably the smartest man in the world at that time, he was president of the United States. He told Lewis and Clark, because they were going westward and they had never been west of Pennsylvania, it was outside the 13 colonies, got this whole new territory, to bring certain types of tools and pictures because there might be dinosaurs out there. Whoa.

He thought there were dinosaurs walking around Louisiana and Mississippi and these places. Wow. And, you know, of course there wasn't. But that's like from creed of the president. Really? Like, there's dinosaurs out there, baby. Damn. Yeah, and Lewis Clark, they just came back with Sacagawea. They're like, we found some titties. She was supposedly a smoke show. Come on. That's what they say. That's not true. Have you seen those natives back then? I like it. They were like an old catcher's mitt. I like it. I have kids with them.

Can we get a photo? Sacagawea? I mean, something like AI enhanced. I don't know. Got some thirst traps out there. There it is. Oh, that's a filter. That's got to be, yeah. That's close. It's not bad. All right. Actually, it's not bad, especially from back then. Everybody had scurvy and monkey pox. Yeah. All right. All right. I mean, yeah.

I like that. She looks like she could have built a pyramid. She looks like an Easter Island statue. That's another one. How the fuck do you explain Easter Island? Easter Island. How the hell did they get those rocks over there? Nobody knows. Stonehenge, baby. Yeah. I just feel like if there's no answer, I think it's a good guess that it was Mexicans. There you go. I like that. Mexicans should run on that. Like, hey, we built everything. Motherfucker, hire me. I've never seen. I mean, I know it's a stereotype, but when you have experience with it,

You know, you're just like, nobody can. And they did it at a decent rate, too. Yeah, under the table. I will say this. I went to Mexico last year. They could use some Mexicans. A lot of dilapidated buildings, a lot of crumbling infrastructure. I'm like, hey, I guess they all left. I heard Mexico City is very built up, though. It's beautiful, but there's pockets where you're like, did a bomb go off here? Did you feel safe, though, pretty much, in Mexico City? Yeah, certain areas. It's a cool-ass city. Like New York, right? Yeah. It's beautiful.

Two times New York, 20 million people. And you ate very well. Ate well. The pollution's a problem. But yeah, ate well. But the scary thing is there's posters everywhere like, abducto, abducto, abducto. And you're like, oh shit, is that a new magician? But no, it's a bunch of abducted kids. It is weird when you go to other parts of the world and the air is just that much better. You just end up in Vancouver and you're like, why is the air so much nicer here? So true. Yeah.

When I went to Vancouver, it's a beautiful city, but... Beautiful. You can't go there in the fucking winter. No, no, no. They also have a lot of drug problems there. The heroin's a problem there. Big time. Everywhere, it's a problem. Yeah, but Vancouver, it's like there's that one section that's like, holy shitballs. You could go to any fucking city in the country right now. Eh, Dallas is thriving. But there's downtowns where you're like, what the fuck? Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. I mean, dude, anywhere, like...

I was just, every city I was in, walking around Burlington, we're like, what the fuck? Oh, yeah. Whites love the downers. Well, we voted for change. I mean, it's just like, dude, just stop hating Jews. Yeah. That's what it is. Just look at what they do good and just, why don't you do it? Yeah, right. They were the first to figure out, like, I'm in New York when it's warm and then when it gets cold, I'm in New York.

I go to Florida. Everyone's upset that they chose Palestine. They also offered Greenland, right? Is that right? That is right. So they were also offered Greenland, but they're fucking smart. They go, we don't control the weather yet. I can't make it warm yet. Interesting. We're choosing a warm place.

I didn't know anyone had Greenland. Yeah, they were offered it years ago. They were offered it, and they went, I can't. It's too cold. It's too cold. I can't. Yeah, no. You'd think just the green would get them over there. Yeah, the green. That's what I mean. I think initially that was the interest. Right. They were like, oh, Greenland. Yeah. Talk more. What about the Gold Coast? Yeah, talk more. Gold Coast. But then they said the weather. And they knew which land would be worth more. Yeah. Yeah.

Ah, yes. For Jews, it is a very uncharacteristic move to pick Palestine because it is a fucking worthless desert. Yeah, but it's beautiful. Have you been to Israel? There's no fucking resources there. They got a beach. It's beautiful. They got a beach, but I'm talking about no natural resources, Bubba. That's why they're all tech. Yeah, Bubby, but I mean, it's just amazing what they did with that rock, Bubby. It's incredible. I just love Bubby. Bubby. Bubby.

Like, dude, when you go, well, what's up with the Jews? Dude, they took that place that has no natural resources, no oil, and they turned it into a first world country. It's like, stop being a hater. Well, that's why they hate them, because they ain't them. They ain't? I mean, boy, that's Thomas Dale right there. Yeah, I mean. What are you, suck his dick off? Suck his dick off. What? That's the Long Island thing, which is based on Jews. Let me read you tavern cards off. Give him some Iron Doma. People go, where's the Jewish accent? I'm a homosexual. I'm a homosexual.

I was fucking here, Peters. What are you doing to me? Hit the AC. Good Lord. Jesus Christ. All this talk at Thomas Downs. I'm getting hot. But everyone's fucking complaining about the Jews. It's like, what are they doing that you can't do? Everything. So do it. Shut your mouth and fucking do it. They can't. They know it. It's like when the fat white guy's on the couch yelling at the bears. They're like, oh, these guys are bums. Like, you could never do that. Yeah, so shut up. I mean, they control the bank. So start your own bank. Yeah. What do you want me to do? Start your own bank. They can't do it. Stop complaining.

They hate us because they hate us. They control comedy. We'll tell better jokes. Yeah. What do you want from me? They're good, but we... You're not cheating. Yeah, they're not cheating. Well, it's like Salke showed, you know, Bill Burr's on that new Broadway show, Glenn Gary. And then a bunch of articles are like, because it's Bob Odenkirk, Kieran Culkin, Bill Burr. So all these women are like, hey, what about a women's...

And you're like, well, go start it. Yes. Go do it. Do it. Yeah, you make it. WNBA. But, you know, we're used to women yelling at us for things that are really their fault. It's like they're yelling about the WNBA. It's like always be closing, but always be complaining. Always be cunty. That could work for Jews as well. Yeah.

No, I'm actually pumped to see that show. I heard it's light. I saw it years ago with with Alan Alda and Liev Schreiber. Jeffrey Tambor was really good. Yeah, that's another great cast. Yeah. Damn. That's a good man. Oh, Mamet. Great stuff. I like the movie. The movie was good. Movie's great. Jack Lemmon and Alec Baldwin. You know, the Baldwin character was put in for the movie. That's not in the original. Yeah, it's not in the play. Oh, that's a great fucking scene. Yeah.

Yeah, and the rust scene didn't have the shooting. All right, all right. They added that in. Yeah, that's a tough one. I see Baldwin in the village all the time. Me too. Did you see that clip with his wife? That was crazy. What? With that comedian, Jason Scoop? No. We play a lot of Baldwin on here, I realize now. But yeah, pull up thing with his wife. His wife was like shushing him at a red carpet thing. Oh, no. That's the end of that? Yeah, I didn't.

What was that? That's a divorce right there. She's a Jewish girl from Boston. Yeah. I see her on the street a lot and she's always loudly speaking like... Yeah, where's the appropriation there?

I mean, she's funny. I mean, it's funny. Seven kids that have that body. Yeah, I think it's there. Go down. No, it's right. I think it's, I don't know. It's wherever she interrupts him. Her real name is Hillary. This one's got to be a Google bitch. Come as you please say.

Hilaria. Hilaria. I don't know. Try Twitter, maybe. Try shushing. She's pretty hot. I like to live in America. I'll tell you, I watched it. I watched the reality show they had. It's just depressing. You're like, come on, Alec. You're better than this. Yeah, well, seven kids in Manhattan. That's expensive, dude. I guess so. And legal bills. Right.

Yeah, I guess. But what are you doing to your legacy? I know. What are you doing? You know that was a great idea. I don't think anyone's doing a reality show because they're thinking about their legacies. Well, some people just have nothing going on. So they're like, hey, I'll be on Love Island. Yeah, him shooting someone is better for his career than a reality show.

You don't think he's got enough money? I don't know. Seven kids. People spend, man. That's the thing. It's not about what you make. It's about what you spend. And people spend like you cannot imagine. I know. It runs with Tim Dillon. Yeah. Talk about ladyboys. Oh, yeah. Man, you were a bad Googler, Salacuse. Ouchie. Damn. Damn. Yeah, go back to African Core. Okay.

It's crazy the South African racial tension is still happening. We think we have racial tension? It's bananas down there. I went there for my honeymoon when that was a mistake. Isn't it disturbing? It's palpable. It's really palpable. You can feel it. I went there. I was in Johannesburg, and you feel like you're going back in time. Oh, yeah. Everyone lives behind security walls. The wealth disparity is one of the worst in the world. You can feel it.

feel it's crazy it's crazy you got like you stop your car there's like people without shoes yeah and then you go to this like uh mansions behind walls it's and then like it's very weird yeah i would walk around with my wife and i'd be like where's a good bar we want to go drink and they're like you go to that bar don't go over there you're like oh geez it was cape town yeah cape town it's beautiful it's beautiful the beach is great and the safari was unreal can't believe you found it so curious look at that

Now you gotta hit the play button. You're a winner. Oh my God, when I'm talking, you're not talking. No, when I'm talking, you're not talking. Whoa, whoa. This is why, yes, we'll have to just cut him out of the show. You're a winner. Oh my God, when I'm talking, you're not talking. No, when I'm talking, you're not talking. Oh, you can blame Kamala for that. He's gonna cast her in his next movie. Hi!

If he was going to do a reality show... He's shooting her mouth off. He should have done a reality show with his brothers. Yeah! It would be a fucking reality show. Stephen Baldwin's a huge... Stephen Baldwin, yeah. You fucking cock-lib. You fucking right-wing nut. But I...

What I respect about Alec Baldwin is, like, he will throw hands. Oh, yeah. Go to this day. Oh, yeah. And he is an insane talent. He really is. Super funny. I mean, on 30 Rock, that is one of the greatest performances ever. Yeah. He's great in everything. Even, like, a Long Came Polly. Remember in a Long Came Polly? Oh, yeah. He's great in that. His boss or whatever. It's fantastic. He's a great actor. Great. And great series and comedic. He can do both. Yeah. Yeah. We did a whole thing on him last week about how they must have just run Long Island in, like, their 20s. Oh.

I mean, Billy Baldwin's a stud. Oh, yeah. Gorgeous. Oh, yeah.

But it would be great to just be a fly on the wall at Thanksgiving at the Baldwin House when they start talking politics. Yeah. Wow. Because Alec obviously hates Trump, but do the other Baldwin's like him? Alec and Billy are like way left, and especially Billy. Yeah. Billy's on Twitter all the time. But Stephen is. Stephen is. Hardcore to the right. QAnon. He's a born again QAnon kind of Christian dude. Nice. And his daughter. That look he gave her when she shushed him was like, oh, this is something bad will happen at some point. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

But wait, the daughter is Bieber's. He's like, whoops, I didn't know the gun was loaded. Sorry, Hilaria. Bieber's husband? Yeah. Oh, man. Bieber's wife, right. Bieber's wife, sorry. That's Stephen Baldwin's daughter. Yeah, sorry. Yeah. And then there's an older one. Yeah, there's another one. Bobby? Yeah. No, they're all in movies. They all did movies, and they're all good looking. They were all like, when they were young, they were all good looking. Oh, yeah. There it is. Usual suspects. Boy, the daughter's very pretty. Beautiful, beautiful daughter, yeah. She's got an interesting look.

Oh, his daughter, yeah. Beautiful. When's Bieber going to come out with the P. Diddy stuff? We're all waiting. When he blows his brains out? All right. There might be a moment where we look back and we were— Yeah, that's really horrible. I mean, that video says he's definitely blowing somebody. Odell Beckham Jr. We might have been hard on him. You ever seen that, Mark? Because he was a kid looking back. This should be on after four. You see that N-word video? You ever see that? Oh, man. That was a classic. That's when I became a fan. Bieber blowing Odell Beckham.

Really? Wait, what? Bieber, Odell, Beckham, blowjob, you know, allegedly. Sam Jay? Creeping on Justin Bieber. See, the Drewski stuff, I don't really. No, that's bullshit. Because it's like he wasn't famous yet. Same with the Jay-Z shit. It's like it's out. Also, Jay-Z went so hard as like, fuck you, that that was kind of like a power flex. Yeah. Like, I'm innocent. Yeah, well, she dropped the charges and now he's suing her back. Good. Good for him. Enough's enough. The old Baldoni, we call that.

Yeah, this video is nuts. Disturbing. What is it? It's disturbing. You'll see. Paint a picture. Where are we? When are we? This is at a Diddy party. Everyone's filming everything. Maybe early 2000? No, like a few years ago. Those are iPhones, buddy. Oh, yeah, you're right. And then you see... Oh, my God. It's so disturbing. Oh, no. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? No, I think he's just standing there. Oh, his pants are down. Yeah, it's disturbing. At least he's wearing a mask.

It could be cocaine.

Like why the pants? He's pulling his pants up. You ever see the way some people wear their pants? Good point. Racist. Yeah. Some people. You're fucking racist. You mean the people you see on African Corps, your favorite website? Mechanic. Play it again, dude. I think he's right. I think the cocaine was on Odell's dick. Oh, shit. There we go. Split the medium. I've seen some people blow people in a club. There's more like this going on. I don't know. He's too fresh. Right.

I don't know. All right. Maybe I'm just trying to benefit. Maybe, maybe not. I don't know. They both got their hoods on. They're like kind of trying to conceal. Yeah, all right. Either way. But they're also both really famous, so that's also part of it. Maybe they're trying to, you know, be private. He did look ashamed. He looked ashamed, though. I do think bad things happen to Bieber.

I think so. Yeah, unfortunately. Unfortunately. I think so as well. Unfortunately. Damn. Yeah. You want your ticket to Hollywood Kid? I think it was one of those. It was a Joan Rivers. Yeah, I'll make you famous. So I'll be glad we weren't cuter kids. Seriously. Here, here. More talent. I mean, just be thankful. I think it's thankful that we're like ugly celebrities. Well, not Chris, but we're ugly celebrities.

Because I think nobody cares. Nobody wants to make us famous. They're not going to offer us anything, but Chris eventually will get that offer. Eventually. I had to suck Ferranti's back. I don't know, dude. I think Chris is on his way down. I think it would have happened. I know. I'm already 40, man. Yeah, you are. I got no buyer. Yeah.

You got any things up your sleeve for the garden? I mean, you don't have to tell us, but you're going to have to bring out some big guns. Okay, we'll see. Right now, no. The only thing I have up my sleeve is moving it to the theater. Okay.

It's fucking scary when you're trying to sell tickets. Jesus Christ. But Chicago Theater's almost sold out. Come see me there in September. And go see Chris at MSG, man. September 11th, baby. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Bring your turbans. Yeah, and see me at Comedy on the Carlson. That's a great club. That is a good club. Good room. Oh, Boise.

Houston, Austin. Yeah, where are you going to be? Dallas, New Haven, Albany. I had that Frank Pepe's and the salad. What do you think is better? Last time I thought Sally's, this time Frank Pepe's. I like Frank Pepe's. I agree with you. Interesting. But they're both amazing. Yeah, and I do think that it's the best pizza. It's the best pizza. I think it's the best pizza. And we're New Yorkers, tried and true. New York is the most consistent with pizza in America, but...

But New Haven's the best. I'll tell you something. I said it yesterday on the Patreon, and I stand by this. If you ever go to Belfast, Ireland, you go to Flout Pizza. I've heard about it. It's up there with New York pizza. Really? He makes every type, which is nice. He does a deep dish. He does a Detroit-style New Haven, New York. He's playing Wu-Tang while he's doing it. Interesting. And you're in there drinking Irish whiskey with him while he's making it for you. It's great. Cool. They say the best pizza now in New York is on Long Island. Which spot? That's what Colin Quinn said. They got great pizza in Long Island.

Okay. Jersey is great pizza, too. Where? New Jersey. Oh, yeah. Staten Island has great pizza. Sure, sure. The Northeast has got great pizza. Right. Yeah. Hey, New Brunswick. All right.

I mean, you know, just go over there. Go to the website. The big ones are, oh, Paramount Theater, Denver. Yeah. Great room. Got a lot of casino gigs. Thank you, Mr. Berkowitz. Guaranteed money. Nice. Moolah. Love a good casino. The Ryman, where me and Mark aren't selling. Yeah. All there in September. When is Mark? When are you there? I'm there in like a week. Oh, in a week. Yeah. So I'll be even more nervous. Yeah. Well, go see Mark.

And then Madison Square Garden, September 11th. You'll see the promos coming out, all filmed and edited by Salacuse. All right. Worst thing that ever happened in New York. Me? No, that show. Oh, okay. All right, Giannis. That is. Yeah, see me in Rochester, San Diego, and one more, Cleveland. And that's it right now. And then I'm going to fire my manager. And he has a high, there's a very high chance of him doing those gigs, even though the last three gigs he has canceled all of them. What?

What? Just one. What happened? Bird flu? No, just... These he's going to do. Yeah, I'll do these. All right, all right. Yeah, let's start. Columbus, Ohio, Royal Oak, Michigan, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison on a Monday. Please come to that. Des Moines, Iowa, St. Louis, Missouri, Kansas City, Minneapolis, and then we got Phoenix.

San Diego, Sacramento, San Francisco, Portland, added a late show there, Seattle, Vancouver added a late show. Get on that. We got Boise, Idaho, Salt Lake City, and Denver. Gotta love it. Hell yeah. Yeah. All right. Samorel.com slash shows or follow us all on Punch-Up. Hey, hey. I'm at the Villages. We're premiering Pace to Stage, episode two. It's going to be in New York City. That'll be fun. It's almost sold out. Stay tuned.

State Theater in New Brunswick. Then we got, what is that, Gotham? What the hell is that? Benefit. N-C-A-C. Benefit. Yeah, helping ISIS. Then Portchester. Ben Salem, PA. Hampton, New York. We'll see Alec Baldwin out there. Reno.

And then Nashville, coming to the Rhyme in Napa, Santa Barbara, Asheville, Bristol, Tennessee, New Brunswick, Ithaca. Come on by. And then we're going to UK and then Australia. So let's yuck it up. We need those. Is that an Iceland date? Yeah, in Iceland.

So, yeah, we'll bring out the Brits. Oh, Ulster Hall in Belfast is great. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's a good one. Is that where the pizza is? He's there, yeah. Okay, great. I'm sure he'll hit you up. Bring it on, pizza guy. Drink our bodega cat whiskey. We're making moves. We just had a great signing. We got a big article coming out. Is it Wine Enthusiasts? Oh, yeah. We made it. We're wine enthusiasts. Ronan Farrow wrote about you. Four-page spread. Yeah, he's bringing down this whole operation. Yeah, man.

That's Frank Sinatra. We love you guys. Without a doubt. Great. We love seeing you guys. You guys. Always the best. Thank you. Great podcast. Great comedy. I'm out to lunch here at noon.