Ep 228: Joe List & Tom Dustin - Portrait of A Comedian
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Hey, we're here. We might be drunk. We got Tom Dustin and Joe List. He's about to crack open a bodega cat. Fresh off their new movie, which I really enjoyed. I think it's really great. Can you watch it yet or no? So it's coming into the theater. I don't know when this comes out, but it's coming into theaters. It's coming to theaters.

movie theaters. Unbelievable. Literally not believable. We just did Bennington. He's like, this makes no sense. You shouldn't be in the theater. Well, theaters are in the toilet now, so you can pretty much do anything over there, I imagine. Oh, yeah. I'll shit in your mouth. We can get it into a regal. Two boys, one mouth. David Fincher's going straight to Netflix. You're like, I'm going to the theaters. We're taking the theaters back, baby.

So we got some, I sent them to Salicus, April 25th, the Quad Cinema here in New York City. Nice. And the Sunset Five in Los Angeles. It's coming everywhere. Look at this. Philadelphia, Cambridge, Massachusetts, Atlanta, Houston, New York.

I can't read that fast. The one that's not on there is the best one. What? It's the Tropic Cinema in Key West. Hey! Yeah. That a baby. So it's coming everywhere. Go to TomDustinDoc.com. All the info's there. You can't get tickets yet, but they're coming because it's a movie. Right.

So it's not a fucking the Wilbur Theater or whatever. There's no link. Not a link yet. Look at that poster. Is that beautiful? I don't know. I've never seen it with that. You look way worse in that picture than you do in real life. Yeah, that's a point. Oh, give him an hour. I don't remember when they took that picture because I was hammered.

It's a haunting portrait. Well, I don't like how my facial hair looks like it goes all over my face. That's true, yeah. It looks like I got a hairy forehead. You're Teen Wolf. You're Drunk Wolf. Also, by the way, I was like, this poster, this is finally Salicus does some work that I can really sink my teeth. This is his best work. I didn't take the picture. For six months, I told everyone, this is Salicus at his best. Some other guy took it. No way. I've been saying that too.

I designed it. I didn't take it. Oh, you put letters on a photo. He put letters over the hair. The guy that took that picture, his name's Tom Flip. He's an artist and whatever. And Flippy. Photographer in Key West. He prefers Flipper. He does a thing every five years. He takes pictures of everyone in Key West, all the locals. And so that's what that came out of is he does –

like a big art project where it's every local. Oh, fun. It's pretty cool to see how people age every five years. Sure. And die. He also does a thing called... He doesn't take many second portraits. Yeah, exactly. He does the flip book, which is nude women in Key West, locals of any shape, size, ugliness. And my fiancée, Kristen, she's in it. She's on the last page with her...

Tits. Pull it up!

I don't want a seat to pull up someone else's tits. She's in the book. It's open game. But her husband's not next to her in the book. Well, how do we buy the book? I'll send you a copy of the book. Thank you. Well, who had the line? Was it your line about it? Because someone was saying it was porn, and he was saying. Brittany Griner, what the hell? He said, bring up somebody's tits. Oh, God. I thought that was Reggie Miller on the right. Oh, yeah. I can see it. I thought it was Pete Davidson. That's who I was thinking of.

But someone said that like, well, this is porn. And then they were like, no, it's art. And that was it you? Yeah. Yeah. Tell that. I think basically because Kristen sold me, sold a shoe. I got to take these pictures. They're a little risque. I go, I don't care. Do whatever you want. Yeah. And she goes, it's for the, you know, nice coffee. It's fucking paperback. Yeah.

Paperback does not mean art. You need a hardcover. You need a fucking hardcover. Right. Can we get a ruling on that? Anything non-hardcover is porn.

I mean, it sounds right. Yeah, you got something there. I mean, you're in like a paperback? Yeah, I mean, it's fancy. It's glossy. You could flip through it. It's like a Bible. Pop flip through it. Yeah. There's no soft cover Bible. No. You know, Bible's a Bible. You know, it's hard. No, there's soft Bibles. The one in the hotels are soft, I think. I think they're hard. The Koran. Yeah, the Koran is a little floppy. The Torah's soft.

The Torah is soft. You open it up. It's like a little scroll. That's true. I'm always blown away by people that know about religion, like many religions. Like I was watching Jason...

Salmon? Salmon? How do you say his name? I think you got it. Salmon. He's hilarious. Great bits. But he was doing a long bit about religion. He was doing all the things from every religion. I'm like, you know about the religions? Interesting. He's like, because in Ramadan is this and hula hoops are that. And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? I can research. No, I know. That's what I mean. I'm like, I don't research, so I'm impressed by people that do. Right, right. Do you research for the bit? I guess if I had a bit, I would research. But that seems like...

Which one is Ramadan? Is that Muslim? Yes. See, you're with me. I thought it was your neighbor. Ramadan Hirschberg. Ramadan Inn. Worst breakfast ever. No bacon. Nothing. But yeah, so tell the world about you and Tom. Give us the whole history. So we made a movie. I made a movie.

Tom's in it. It's called Tom Dustin Portrait Comedian. Matt Salicus, he was the cameraman on the damn thing. Key grip. What made you want to do this?

Well, Tom, I mean, you guys know Tom. Tom is like the best hang, the funniest guy I've ever met, my best buddy. Hear, hear. And you just want people to get to see what it's like to hang out with Tom because, you know, he's down in Key West. He's not on the podcast. Everyone knows what it's like to hang out with you guys. Sure. And it's not great. But Tom is a laugh a minute.

He's a hoot. And so I just wanted to make a movie. Originally, it was just going to be Tom has so many great stories and that maybe we'll get to a couple. But he's got so many great stories. I was like, let me capture Tom telling some stories and doing his job and put together like, you know, just a portrait of Tom being Tom. It was like originally you're thinking it was like a short maybe.

I thought it could be a feature. So Matt's ahead of us here. He's pulling it up. There's a great doc called Italian American by Martin Scorsese and another one called American Boy. Leonard, did you ever watch those movies? I own them, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So basically I was watching this American Boy, which is a fun profile of this guy Steve Prince, and he's telling stories. And the most famous thing from that movie is he tells the story that's

The scene in Pulp Fiction where she gets the heart. No way. Tarantino stole it from this documentary. I didn't know that. Wow. You got to stab him three times. He tells all that stuff. It's pretty amazing. A felt pen. Yeah, a fucking black magic marker.

So I was like, well, Tom's more interesting than this fucking fella. And they even look similar. So I thought I'll go down there. I'll shoot Tom telling some stories. And we shot for three days and Salicus was asking him some questions that ended up having great answers. And then it became this much sort of bigger thing.

and Tom was very sweet to me, so it kind of became about our friendship in a lot of ways. Yeah, yeah, it's a beautiful thing because you guys were tight as kissing cousins, and then you moved to NYC. You stayed in Beantown. Then eventually you kind of went to Key West, and you wanted to stay friends, and it's a great way to...

Bring it back in. It's funny. We wanted to stay friends. Well, I mean, I've seen you more the last year. If you want to reconnect with a friend... This isn't Charlie Rose, dude. I'm sorry. If you want to reconnect with a friend, make a movie about him because now we've got to go around promoting. That's a great point. That's my podcast. I'm going to make a movie about my father. Ghost Dad. I think... No, that's...

Nice pull. That was a nice little tag. Nice pull. All right. But dude, yeah, I love when you talk about like you make Key West kind of a character in this and it's like, you call it like the land of broken toys or something. Who said that? Oh, a lady said misfit toys. Misfit toys. The land of misfit toys. I love that. So yeah, I wanted Key West to be like a character in the movie, which I think we got. I think we got a lot of great Key West stuff. But there's also, I want to make sure people realize, like Ari said, he's like, this is literally the funniest documentary ever. Like,

When you guys came to the theater and saw it, which meant a lot to us,

It's a laugh a minute. I mean, there's like a lot of big, big laughs. You got like probably 20. Capturing the Freedmen's was pretty funny, but I guess. Oh. If you're going to force. Yeah, it was. Cut that. No, Tom does about 15 or 20 minutes worth of stand up in there, which is killer. And then we tell some story. And then Tom is just so. We're going to get Tom to talk. I need this. I need this to be big because you burned my 20 minutes. Yeah.

They didn't even use one of your favorite, one of my favorite bits of yours, the you don't shit where you eat bit. Oh, that's a great bit. Do the bit. I still do it. I don't know. You're burning 21 minutes now. Uh,

The thing about it, it's tip your bar staff bit. I always used to do it, which was funny because I'd work at comedy clubs and be like, don't do that bit because the bar staff would be like, hey, there's already 18% gratuity. Don't call attention to it. Oh, wow. Don't call attention to the tip. Right. But I used to do the bit about tip your bar staff. I don't know. I worked in a bar in Boston and-

I figured out the fucking thing. The bit is, you were talking to a woman, one of the waitresses, and the manager said, hey, don't shit where you eat. I was trying to fuck all the waitresses, and they were like, hey. The manager was like, don't shit where you eat. And I was like, I'm not trying to shit where I eat. I would never eat here.

I'm trying to fuck where I steal. Hey, that's great. That's a good bit. There it is. That's great. Folks, for more bits like that, check out Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian. Now, are you guys going to go to some of the theaters and do a little live thing as well? Well, here's the thing with Tom. The master of promotion is leaving on a round-the-world trip.

The day before the fucking movie premieres. Leaving or deported? I didn't know. I didn't know. So, no, my fiancée, Kristen, you didn't meet her yet. Flip? Oh, no, you met her at the thing? Yeah, we met her at the thing. But, yeah, she, her brother's getting married in Vietnam. Oh, God. So she was like, one day she was like, Tom, we got to go to Vietnam. And I was like, I got some old scores to settle. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

How did they land on Vietnam? Well, her brother's wife is Vietnamese. Oh, that makes sense. Charlie. Met her online. I was convinced it was a dude. But no, it turned out she's a wonderful lady, and we're going over. I'm wearing the traditional Vietnamese wedding outfit. It's called an ao dai. Pull that up. It means long shirt.

And, uh, but,

But yeah, we're going over there. And I was like, I'm not going halfway around the world unless we can keep going. I want to go all the way around and tell these flat earthers to fuck off. Hell yeah. So yeah, we're going Vietnam, Thailand, Nepal, Dubai, Greece, Turkey, Portugal. You got that kind of scratch? I mean, that ain't cheap. My fiance's mother.

is paying for it. Wow. Beautiful. But once you folks come to see the movie... Then I'll have that kind of scratch. Well, that money goes back to me. I spent a lot of money on this. Yeah. You're in the hole a little bit. Quite a bit.

And it keeps being more. It's like owning a boat. Everything's like another thousand. We bought a song. What song did you buy? Souvenirs by John Prine. Pull it up. That was a good pick. One of the greats. Thank you. And Henry Phillips covered it for us. But then my manager, God bless his heart, he's one of the best...

He writes to me and goes, hey, it looks like the movie's going to be, the song's going to be $1,000. And I was like, that's a steal. You've got to be kidding me. That's crazy. And then like six months later, he was like, actually, it's $75,000. $7,500. $7,500. Oh, all right. But I was like, that sounds more like it. Can you put this on YouTube? I don't know about it. Play all of it. He's literally saying it's $7,500. He's like, let's play it. Great instincts.

No, it's crazy what certain songs cost. I'm trying to get... There were some songs I wanted for this movie I'm trying to make, and it's like... It'll be like a jazz song. I'm like, oh, it's kind of a cool song. And they're like, yeah, 15 grand. I'm like, no one knows this song. Yeah, I'm helping you out. But then something like Sony will own it, and they're just like, yeah, it's 15 grand. But you can bargain them down. I think you can bargain and...

Also, we got Henry Phillips, brilliant Henry Phillips, to play it, and so that made it cheaper to just cover the thing. You just had to buy certain rights or whatever. But that's what they say about... Henry's like, that'll be eight grand. By the way, Henry, I'm in the hole a ton of money on this, and that's without Salicuse or Henry charging me for the services. Man, oh man. Thank you. How do you make money, Salicuse? I feel like you're very generous. I can't make rent.

Alright, well we'll figure it out. This got dark. Wait, seriously? You got the one house water? No, no, I do okay. My wife does okay. Oh, the wife. Yeah, you did that gig the other day. I assisted Salicus on a photo shoot Sunday. I made $1,000 cash. I got a rook. There we go. Yeah, he gave me $20,000.

Oh, come on. Well, that's the other thing about Sally. Even when you get paid, you pay everyone else out good from your pocket. That's true. And you're the one who was hired. Yeah. You'd think you'd pick up on that. I had to hold a light for Sally. He's like, you're going to learn. I'm into photography. Check out Joe List Photography. I dabble. And he's like, come. Will I learn anything? And he goes, oh, you'll learn. I'll teach you all about the thing. And then he goes, hey, hold that lamp. And I'm just holding a fucking light.

And then the subject goes, she goes, do you ever get recognized? And I'm like, I guess not. I'm just standing around holding a light. Nobody recognized me. Damn. That was embarrassing.

Well, you know, you're an intern. I'll get there. Yeah. Can I say this is a good little bet? Thank you, sir. I'll tell you. Go take a cat. And I'm not a huge... Is it a... What is it? It's a rye whiskey. Holy macaroni. I love it. All right. If you don't mind. Go for it. Take all of it. He gave me an ice cube the size of the thing that sank the Titanic. And...

Well, we got to get that down in your club. We'll sell it at the bar. Oh, I'll sell that at the bar as soon as we get a liquor license. We have beer and wine only. Okay. But we can get creative with the, they make wine-based vodka and wine-based tequila. Beautiful. You can make a margarita with that. It's just not good.

Well, what's going on with Bodega? Because every club I go to, they're like, we can't get it here. I'm like, I got to call our guy. That's a question for our guy. Yeah. I think he's on it. I don't know. We're not good businessmen. No. I want to get this down in Key West. We will ship it. Ship it. You'll be in Vietnam, but we'll ship it. But yeah, so I'm going to make some appearances at the events, I think. I don't know. April. It starts in New York, the Quad Cinema, April 25th. We're doing a full run.

Full run in L.A. at the Sunset Five starting at the same time. But Atlanta, Chicago, Houston, all these places. I'm so retarded with business. Let's say you sell all these out. Yeah. Do you make a bunch of money? I think that the distributor gets the first. He's got to make back whatever money, and then I start making money. Who's the distributor? I mean, is it like a company? No, he's a Tuesday. Really?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Distribute whatever you want. This guy, he loves us. Good to know. We need a booze distributor. Big fan. Okay. So, yeah, if it keeps up. But the hope is people go see it, and then it spreads, and then more theaters go, what's this movie? It's a little engine that could. That's the hope. And then eventually we're going to have it on Punch-Up so everybody can see it in London and all that stuff, Punch-Up Live. Watch it in the comfort of your own home. It's funny as hell, and it's tearjerker. I mean, we all walked out of there a little...

little wet we sent me Salakies Norman we're in a row watching it we're like this is this is awesome yeah it's one of those movies like you laugh you have moments you turn to your friends it has those kind of heavy moments you know yeah it's awesome yeah Mark had a feeling like I saw him get misty I've never seen him have a feeling before I got a boner

So what were the feels? I was blown away that you were even there because everyone was like, oh, Sam doesn't go to stuff like that. I go to big stuff. I support my friends. And it was incredible that you were there. I was like, oh, my God. Oh, yeah. But my friend makes a movie. I'm going to go to it. Well, it is a gamble to get the friends out at night because it was showtime. Right. And so if it sucked, we'd all hate you guys. Right. Good point. But it was great. That's right. Mark got married on a Tuesday morning. Yeah.

Is that right? Like 9-11. At the Comedy Cellar. Peter actually did get married on 9-11. Oh, yeah, that's right. He's got a bit about it. He's got a great bit about it. Yeah, yeah. Like my wife hates. That was a fun wedding. That was fun. Luis Gomez, best man. Wow. Hell of a speech. Oh, yeah. One of the all-time speeches. There's something out there. He said that comedians were, quote, in the trenches and that people that aren't in the trenches don't get it.

And to a bunch of, like, a Long Island family of, like, roofers. Peter's grandma had a heart attack. It was rough. Well, your sister's wedding will be in the trenches in Vietnam. Is it your sister? It's my...

Fiance's brother. But his fiance is his sister. So you're close. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Got it. Got it. But yeah, the movie, I think people are really going to like it. You have all these people. Some people write to me like, why we want to watch a movie about some guy we never heard of. And you're like, is that how you watch movies? Yeah, right. So this is just some dude who smokes pot and goes bowling? I never heard of that. Yeah, good point. Not only that, but most docs...

You know, a lot of the great ones, like Searching for Sugar Man. That's a great doc. Great doc. I've never heard of that guy. Or King of Kong, which is the greatest doc in the history of doc. Unreal. I have not seen that. The 7-5. All of them. I've heard it's great. I hate that you've got to...

It's the best. It's really good. It's like one of the best movies of any kind. Were there movies that inspired you while you were making this? That were like, oh, this is giving me... Even if it's not from the same genre? Well, the two Scorsese movies. And then we watched the Woodstock doc. We kind of used like a split screen thing. Yeah. The good one. The original Woodstock film. And then... What do you call it? The fucking...

Oh, I can't remember the name of it. Yeah, what the hell? All right. Yeah, get in there. Put a little in mine, too. What are you at, 12 years? 12 years, yeah. Almost 13. 12 and a half. Is this... Tastes like an 18. Oh. Give me a little. Just a smooch. Yeah, just a smooch. There we go. So that's not... We went to Scotland. That's where I got engaged. Is that right? In Scotland. I had it done by...

I had it done by a bird of prey. I hired a falconer, and I go, hey, I want one of them giant birds to swoop in on my lady, and fucking that's how I'm going to propose. Holy, that's a risk. I know. It's an interface. That's what fucking happened. What? What happened. So we show up. I called the guy. No, that's legit.

I call up the guy and I go, hey, I want one of them giant birds of prey to swoop in on my lady and that's how I'm going to propose. And he goes, yeah, we can do that. He goes, aye. What? What'd you get, RFK? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then the day we show up, I go, I got the note. Cause originally I was like, do we tie the ring to the Falcon? He was like, no, that's fucking dumb. These things fly away. We'll tie a note to the fucking Falcon. And I go, all right. And I had my friend calligraphy up a note and put a ribbon on it. We get all go down to the Falcon joint. And the Falcon guy goes, Hey, listen, I'm real sorry.

He goes, the falcon's having a bad day. Falcon's broken. What do you mean? It's my big day. I'm proposing. He goes, don't worry. I got you an owl. I swear to God. I do it as a bit in my act, but essentially they tie the fucking note to the owl's talon. Oh, aren't they? What do you call that? Nocturnal? Nocturnal. No, this owl is wide awake. Okay, great. They cook him up a little. It's a day owl. Okay.

But yeah, that's how I did it. I proposed via bird of prey. Wow. Swooped in on the lady. It was pretty fucking cool. And it worked. Oh, yeah. She said yes. The owl was like, who gives a shit? Didn't she initially talk to the owl? Yeah. When she pulled the note off the owl, the Scottish guy was like, oh, Kristen, it looks like Dougie. That's the owl. Dougie brought you a present.

And Kristen's like, I fucking love presents. And she pulled the note off the owl, read it out loud. She was like, Kristen, will you marry me? Wow. And she looked at the owl and was like, where are we going to live? She really thought the owl was proposed. You should have written it in a Boston accent.

Man, that's great. Dougie the owl. That's a fun proposal because you always got to have something, but that feels so risky. What did you guys do? I don't even know what you guys did. I did nothing. I did it on a beach in Martha's Vineyard. That's good. Yeah, I did the whole, I got to pee. Can you turn around and keep an eye out? And then I fake pissed.

I got on one knee. She turned around, and I was there with the ring. That's pretty cool. And she cried and all that. Then he pissed on her. Then I pissed on her. And then two old Massachusetts people were just at the beach on lawn chairs. They went, good for you, honey. And it was fun.

Yeah, I was in just in mind sucks. But my thing is, when you buy the engagement ring, you just want to get rid of it. I don't want the fucking thing. I want to be responsible for it anymore. Totally. And so I had it and we were sleeping in this. We had roommates at the time, which is also hilarious. And I just woke up and was like, hey, do you want? Here you go. Married. It was terrible. Yeah.

But she was very happy. She thought it was sweet in our own way. And then we went our separate ways because I was going to see Pearl Jam in Central Park and she was going to see Brian Regan at Radio City.

So we literally got engaged, and then I was like, all right, I'll see you later. Damn. A friend of mine, a comedian that I know, she was proposed to, and then it was so bad, the proposal, she made him redo it. Oh. What did he do? That's a deal breaker. The dude had proposed to her. He used a pigeon. It was her, her.

the dude and the dude's mother, and they were just playing cards. Oh, no. On a card table, you know, playing whist or fucking... Go fish. Yeah, playing go fish. And he was like, and she was like, yeah, this isn't going to do. You're going to have to fucking make this whole thing. Well, my thing was... Got a point. My wife's a cynical comedian. I could use other adjectives, but...

Everything that's pro, she's like, that sucks. That's stupid. Hot air balloon is gay. Red Sox game is obnoxious. I was going to do hot air balloon. So you did? I was going to. A private hot air balloon ride over Loch Ness in Scotland. But I found out what that costs. And I was like, fuck, that's more than the ring. Plus the monster. Sure. What if she said, no, you could put your ride over? I think that was an old bit of mine. I did the thing. Remember that about the clip-clop?

Oh, yeah. I had one of my first bits. It was a horse and carriage. The most popular place to propose is a horse and carriage ride in New York City. But it's awkward if she says no, because then you're just like... I was like 19. Do you smell shit? Yes, I do. Yeah, I taste it. I said, do you smell shit? Yeah, I think I taste it. That's good. And then I tagged it with like, what you want to do it is on the top of a mountain, because if she says no, you push her, something like that. There you go. But I was, you know...

A boy. Yeah. It's scary. I was nervous. But you knew she was going to say yes. I knew she was going to say yes, but it's more like, do I really want to do this? It's not like she's going to say yes or no. It's like, holy shit, this is a huge decision that I'm making right now.

Yeah, it's awkward. And then it's like the old Louis bit when you're like, oh, I could have still could get out. Right. Right. Then you have a kid. Right. And you're like, damn, I could have left. Yeah. But then they break up anyways. That's true. Congratulations, by the way. Thank you, sir. Not only, I don't think we've tied since you've been, what have you been married, three years now? Yeah, three years and a kid for two months. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, yeah, I'm on no sleep. My head is throbbing. Hmm.

Then I have to break it down. But, yeah, the sleep. It gets better. Yeah, my kid sleeps well now. He sleeps seven to seven. But I'm still exhausted because then you want to get all your things in. I still want to watch a game and a movie and have sex and all that stuff. So then you end up staying up late. Yeah, we're night people. I know. It's tough. Very tough. We're on a shift system where I take the baby from, like,

to 5 a.m., and then she tags me out and goes in from 5, and I sleep till, like, noon. Yeah, it's funky, but it gets easier. You get 11 p.m. to 5, so you get to sleep. Well, I have to be with the baby, so it wakes up every 10 seconds. Oh, really? So you're not really getting great sleep. Right. That's why you gotta shift it. His baby sleeps like a...

Last night I'm over his house, the baby's sleeping. I'm like, Joe, should we be whispering? He's like, we started fucking like right outside the door of the baby. I scream when I cum. Oh, I remember. We sat in the balcony and smoked. It was beautiful. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. But no, he sleeps. The problem is he's sick every 10 seconds. What the hell is that?

Half a bag? You're a special needs kid. Thank you. You handle a cookie every six minutes. It's a little dark. Yeah. Dark. No, it's not ideal for an audio form. This is fantastic. Wow. That's good pop. All right. That's a thickie, too. Yeah, coming in big. What is it, a cookie? Yeah, it's a cookie. Where'd you get the cookies? Yeah, it's a cookie.

All right. You going to eat that whole thing or should I crack this one? Yeah, you better get that one. All right. I'm cracking. You sure you don't want this? Oh, you fat bastard. No kidding. All right. A bunch of buddies eating cookies. Hell yeah. It's like back in the day. We've known Tom. We've known you for a long time.

Yeah. When did we, we probably met you like. I think, I don't know. I can't be sure. I thought about this the other day. Were you living in Astoria with like, so I remember going to Dan Soder's house and it's somebody, there was another comedian living there. Maybe it was Becky. I remember being there with Nate a long time ago. When I first got to Astoria, it was you, me, Nate and somebody. But we had to be quiet because one of the other roommates was.

Maybe it was Vecchione. I think it was Vecchione. Probably Vecchione. Yeah. Aren't you going to a big wedding soon? My Vecchione is marrying Katie Hannigan. Yeah, yeah. We had them both down at the Comedy King. Oh, yeah. They were fantastic. Oh, yeah. Best week ever. Good eggs. But yeah, those days...

We all bonded because we were all raging alcoholics. Yeah. And it was so nice because you meet people in the wild, and they're like, boy, you're drinking a lot. And I'd meet you guys, and we were all blacked out. So I was like, all right, I'm home. I felt like you drank less then than you do now. No, it would go nuts. No. We just didn't drink together that much. I don't think we drank together a ton. No. But...

Yeah, no, I get fucked up with Mark all the time. We got it. Come home at 7 a.m. Sun was up. Yeah. Go all night. Well, we did that. Me and Hanley went out. I don't know what. We must have lost you somewhere along the way. We went to the Caroline's Christmas party. I remember that night. Yeah. Open bar. Was that the night Rich Ross spin kicked? He didn't spin. He didn't spin. Oh, I just got my copy of Phil's book. What a wholesome picture. Oh, yeah. It's so exciting. Wait, who is that? That's...

That's Rich Voss. That's a retouched Phil Hanley. That's Phil Hanley. He was touched as a kid. They retouched him. Like refried beans. But by the way, I was talking to SD. I'm sorry. I'm all over the place. It's good to see you guys.

Phil Hanley has a new book, which I'm so excited about. I cracked it open yesterday. Hey. But Esty, I hate people like this. She goes, it's written. You can read it in one sitting. I just flew through it one sitting. So I thought it was like, oh, he wrote like a bullshit pamphlet. It's fucking this thick. It's a real book. Oh, really? I thought it was going to be like one sitting. I'm like, what are you, nuts? It's going to take me six months to read this fucking thing. I'll tell you one thing. It ain't no paperback. That's true.

That's a hard cover, mofo. It's beautiful, and she said it's a tearjerker. I didn't realize. I've been poking fun of Hanley for 20 years. Me too. He was getting called a retard. Guilty. Had to go to special schools. Makes me feel bad we've been calling him a retard for about 15 years.

I told him he wrote like a ransom note. Oh, dude, those set lists. We used to see those set lists back in the day. I was like, what the hell is wrong with you? Turns out it was a serious disorder. Yeah, he has like a horrible debilitating disorder. He almost killed himself. He was sent to special. I'm like, the whole time we've been like, look at this idiot. Yeah. Why's he got a Crayola? I threw gum at him once. Yeah, so good for him. But wait, what were we talking about with the blackout?

Caroline's. Oh, we went to the Caroline's Christmas party and then you, me, and Phil Hanley ended up at a diner.

And I was drinking beers at the diner. Yeah, that's right. And then we got the check. It was like the classic thing. To me, it seemed romantic that the sun was coming up and we're at a diner and we're still drinking. It was like swingers, you know? And then they bring the check. And I'm like, that's 100% of my money. And then some of your money. Yes. It was like $185 check. Oh, my God. And then I was walking home. Because you were at a Times Square diner. Yes. And then I was walking home and I bumped into Sarah on her way to work because we were dating at that point. Oh, boy.

And she's in her managerial uniform, and I'm like, what are you doing? She's like, I'm going to work. And she'd been sober for years at that point. Yeah. Was she put off by that? She wasn't put off, but she wasn't put on. She wasn't pumped. And I got sober shortly after, because that was the last Christmas party. That was 2012. That's one thing I'll say about my wife, is I will come home legless, falling down, knocking lamps over, smothering the baby. And the next day, my wife will be like, man, you were funny last night. You puked.

You killed the baby. It was hilarious. Yeah. So good on you, sister. Well, you bring home that coin. You got a lot of leniency. Good point. I brought that up. The late night diner in New York City, like it's not really a thing anymore. I know. That's what kind of kills me is I was with a friend the other night. We were kind of hammered at like 1230. We're walking around the West Village looking for a diner. They're all fucking closed. I know. It's heartbreaking. We got like whatever they call them. Those like Indian wraps. Oh.

Oh. But you want to fucking, I want to like eggs and. Yeah, of course. Waverly closes? Closes early. Well, that's because. The few times I ever visited you guys in New York, the few times we, we always went to the Neptune diner. Yeah. Every night. That's still there. No, that's gone. What? What? Neptune's a staple. It's out. Oh, no. Wow. Yeah. That's like a New York crown jewel staple.

Bel Air is still there. You got Court Square. Court Square is still there. Okay, but I didn't know that. And then if you go to a diner now in Manhattan, holy shit, it's like comically expensive. It's crazy. It's like you're like $30 for an omelet. It's fucking insane. Yeah. It's stupid. Blue Heaven, Key West. That's the only place you pay $30 for an omelet. It's a little pricey. Oh, yeah, that's there too, the airline diner. The Goodfellas Diner. Oh, that's by the airport, right? Yeah. Two N-words stole my truck.

You know that's Bob Golub. What? The guy who said that line. What? Bob Golub, yeah. That's his line, and I did a weekend with him once in Reno. Was he open with it? No, but he said, you know, I improvised that line. It was supposed to be one N-word. Oh, that's hilarious. I was like, nice. He was a nice guy. A fun fact about this scene.

They're leaning on a 1963 Impala, but it says 1961. It establishes the year as 61. Fun fact. Do you watch those YouTubes? 18 things you didn't know about Goodfellas. I never watch them because... I watch them all the time. They used to get me with the fucking thing, the thumbnail, and I put it on, and they're like...

Ray Liotta is an actor. Yeah, yeah. It's like not a good fact. Yeah. A lot of it's like you knew. Henry Hill was a real gangster. Right. Those stories about Henry Hill, how they would torture people. He'd put a cheese. They'd shave the head and then put a cheese grater to the head. That's the one where I'm like, oof. What? That's a rough. That feels like Three Stooges-y. You know, that doesn't even seem like a real thing. It's pretty violent, dude. I mean, it's violent. Don't get me wrong. I don't want that happening to me, but it seems goofy. Yeah.

Three Stooges is like an eye poke or something, not a fucking scalping. I could see him making pizzas one day, like... They do the cheese grating off the head, you know, standruff. Yeah. If you were going to make a documentary about a comedian, who would you choose? Ooh. Yes, he's the most mysterious comedian. Not many comedians have a mystique, and Attell does. He would hate it. You want them to hate it.

You don't want to do a doc on someone who's like, yeah, yeah, come follow me. Yeah, good point. Whoops. I was against it. I didn't even know what it was about. No, it seemed like it bothered him, which is good. That's perfect. It's like people who want to be president. It's like you don't want them to – you want someone who doesn't want to be president. Right. Cops too. I'm forced into this position because –

Yeah. I just had a guy – I don't want to be political, but some guy – I was critical of RFK for a moment, and then some guy wrote, the guy, he's reluctantly a politician. I'm like, well, no one's reluctantly –

He was like, no, I don't want to run for president. He ran for president. He announced he's running for president. He campaigned. No one's like accidentally. He took out expensive ads. Right. Yes. He did a Kennedy ad during the Super Bowl. I didn't want to do that. It's cheap. Do the voice. When are you going to do? I had to do it last week when I had my sore throat. I played you the video. Yeah. Fucking crazy. I lost my voice in Nashville. You got to hear it. I sound exactly like RFK. It was crazy.

It's goofy. Can I just say this is the weirdest timeline ever? Antonio Brown just tweeted this.

Okay, we got a Shane Gillis as Trump. Yeah, that's weird. I mean... He loves Gillis. Oh, he does? Oh, he loves him. Okay. Okay, what's the next one? Oh, that was it. This is Ginger of the Day. That's it? I just thought that the Shane and Antonio Brown catch, I thought that was... Oh, he's a huge fan. No, he's done it before. Oh, shit. He was Cracker of the Day once. And so was Theo. He has Cracker of the Day and Ginger of the Day? He does Ginger of the Day, he does... Wait, can you say that? I don't know. Just bleep it. Yeah, bleep it.

I'm just saying what he does. Okay, he's got n-word of the day, too. I think he has a guy. Who's Antonio Brown? The receiver? The wide receiver? Yeah, he's got some CTE stuff. That's what I'm saying. This is strange.

I don't know if it's interrupt the show. But yeah, I thought there was a lull and he's very big on Twitter. Okay. No, low. It is weird to see people just completely fall apart on social media though. Yeah. I think like, you know, if what's his name, uh, Aaron Hernandez, like he could have been tweeting crazy shit before he did that. That's true. You know, we just, he just murdered people, but right. I,

I think more people should tweet on their demise. If Epstein was tweeting in the cell, that'd be great. Like, that's a noose around my neck. Yeah, or it was there. Yeah, a lot of people having breakdowns. It's really devastating. Yeah, good times. I almost had one in Key West that time I went because I think I drank for...

Yeah. Six days straight. We hit it hard. We did the jet ski. Yeah. I barely remember that. Oh, I got pictures of us fucking hammered on jet skis. That was like 11 a.m. It was awesome. Is Key West a dark place? No, it's wonderful. It's a great time. It's whatever you want to be. You can be gay, suck a dick, take it up the ass. Those are all the same thing, Tom.

Well, we had that in the movie. We had that section with James Patterson. This was funny. So we've played the movie in Boston, Key West, and New York so far. And there's a section where we wanted to talk about if there is a dark side to Key West. And James Patterson, brilliant comedian, you guys know him. Mm-hmm. He talks about the darker side of Key West, and he finds it more depressing and dark. Mm.

And everyone thought it was funny and interesting in Boston and New York. We played that part in Key West with the whole island. It was dead silent. You saw people like this. What the fuck's he talking about? It just hit home. They've got a heroin needle in their arm. They're like, we're not dark here. A little known thing is Key West does have a, for the population, a huge suicide rate.

But it's not dark. That's what it is. It's people. Light suicide. Hawaii has a big one, too, by the way. Yeah. Yeah. So the good with the bad. This is what it is. People move to a place and they're like, oh, this is paradise. Yes. Oh, my God. Everything's wonderful. And it's Jimmy Buffett, Margaritaville playing and steel drums. And I'm drinking a Margaritaville. And then they realize, if I can't be happy here. Exactly. In what people call paradise.

then I'm not going to be happy anywhere. So I should probably end it. They should move to somewhere shitty. Yes. Go to Syracuse. Syracuse has a high suicide rate. Does it? Very high. Thank God. They should go to Key West.

Flip and flop. A suicide exchange program? Yes, exactly. Hey, that could be a bit. SEP. No, that's got a crazy high. Really? Give us some stats here, Fetty. Suicide rate in Onondago County. Where is that? Includes Syracuse. That's where the funny bone is, Onondago.

Honestly, that's where it is. I believe it. That funny bone's got a darkness. Oh, yeah. It's a vortex of hell. I remember there was a shooting in the mall, and my first thought was, why not here? Why not me? Come up a few floors. 10.3 deaths per 100,000 people. Damn. It's higher than the state's rate. Can't you just leave? I don't get to just leave. But it's lower than the national rate. That's pretty good. Okay.

Wait, so 13 of 100,000 people killed themselves? 13.9. That seems pretty high. No, U.S. suicide rate says... Oh, all right, never mind. 13.9, so one guy almost kills himself. Right, right. He's like right there, and then he takes the rope off. Right. That's a lot of... Now let's see Key West. Oh, God. Here we go. I'm nervous. I don't want to ruin the movie. You really didn't even come close to spelling suicide. No, you read soosed. I got it.

Oh, one for every 2,500. That's a lot. That's crazy. Is that a lot? The other one was way, way, way higher. And a way less population. Staggering. Staggering. Staggering. 27.7. Well, everybody's staggering there. Dude, we're beating Syracuse. You got them doubled up.

But a lot of people who move there, as you said, are like they're trying to get away from something. That's right. They're running from something. You know what people say? Weird shit. Like, hey, when I first moved down there, how long you been living in Key West? And they go, they don't say I moved down here. They say, I quit the real world in 1991. Right.

I quit the real world is what they say. Because it is weird. It is weird. My girlfriend calls it adult fan. What do they call it? Adult never, never land. Oh, that's what it is. Like you're just going away. That's where Michael Jackson raped children. He did that child never, never land. Yeah.

That's a beautiful portrait there. One of the most famous suicides of all time. Hemingway. Was that in Key West? Did he do it there? No, he didn't kill himself in Key West. He killed himself in Cuba. All right, Cuba sucks worse. But...

But no, James Patterson, who we were just talking about, he does a killer show called Hemingway in a Funny Way. And it's just an interesting look at the lesser known things about Ernest Hemingway. And he researched the fuck out of it and wrote a beautiful show. It's an hour long. And it's really interesting and really funny. And I think this week is his last week doing it. Oh. Because he's going to kill himself. Yeah, he's going to. It's a bit closer. Yeah.

The Ken Burns Hemingway thing is so good. Oh, I haven't seen that. Really? We talked about it. I thought you watched it. It's really good. Might have been pretending. I think I saw it. He liked cats. No, you'd watch it. We talked about it. Yeah, all right. It was years ago. I didn't know it was Burns. Yeah. Oh, shit. That was a good one. PBS? Yeah. Oh, wait. That's the one where they allude to Hemingway being-

Queer? No, but he would dress as a woman. Well, no, no, no. He didn't. This is what happened. And this is in James's show is when he was a boy, a young boy, his mother would dress him up as a girl. Oh. And called him Little Dolly.

Wow. And so that's why he went on this rampage of killing everything, like being a hunter and fucking killing rhinos. He got to overcompensate. Yeah, that's what James' show is kind of about. Oh. It's interesting. Okay. But yeah, yeah, he was a little dolly. I've been called worse by my mother. Yeah, right?

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What was I going to say about the fucking movie, a duck, something? Oh, Ken Burns. I don't know. Does that guy, how does he work this much? He's made like 750 hours with the movies. I know his brother makes movies too, which I think sometimes people squeeze them together. And he's got a full head of black hair. He almost had him on the pod and the note I got from the publicist was Mark can't fart on him. Oh, wait. I didn't know that. You never told me.

told me that yeah yeah but we were like this I think we still could maybe get him at some point all right I'll hold back he was promoting I think it was on like Da Vinci or something it was a new thing he was doing but that means he's watched if he knows about the farting no it means the publicist is watching right right ah shit I don't think he's aware of us I love the idea that he's like I'll do it but I don't want to be farting yeah no he never stops making movies this guy he's unbelievable

Yeah, some could be edited. Well, he's... Isn't it kind of... Because it's not original footage. He's not shooting a movie. No, it's just a photo. He's taking archives of stuff and being like, all right, this is what happened. But that's even harder. That's the hardest part of doing the fucking thing. You got to find all the stuff.

Shooting is easier. He's definitely got help. He's got a lot of help, of course. But still, it's a lot of work. I've always loved Ken Burns. I talk about this any time he comes up. He made the baseball doc, and I think the Red Sox were celebrating like 100 years of 99 or whatever. And they had him, and he read a poem or something that he wrote, and he was like, no matter what, the Boston Red Sox will always be the greatest baseball organization ever.

And you're like, well, they have a history of extreme racism and haven't won a championship in 86 years. We're like, I think that could be up for debate. Pretty good. They were the last team to have a black player or manager and haven't won in eight decades. He's like, they're number one.

Didn't they beat the Yankees? I bet you. It was after that. Post that. Oh, shit. But baseball, that documentary is amazing. Yeah. The Vietnam one was a tad dense. I don't think I saw that one. Oh, it's awesome. It's good, but it was heavy. It's really great. You're going there. Yeah, I'm going there. Wow, this is amazing. This is Boston's first black player, Elijah Pumpsey Green, in 1959.

The league got integrated in 47. Oh, wow. Yeah. They held out. Yeah. That's hilarious. Tough to win a pennant when you refuse to have a black guy. Yeah.

Damn. A little tricky. I think Yawkey, they had to change the name of the street. It was called Yawkey Way, but Tom Yawkey was like a vile racist, so now it's back to Jersey Street. Wait, really? They changed Yawkey Way? Yeah, quite a while ago now. Yeah, he has a racist face. He does. Wow. But he's, you know, born in 1903. What do you want him to do? Yeah, yeah. What's his face? Was it Ted Williams? No, Ty Cobb. Ty Cobb.

He was a raging racist. Yeah, they made a movie about it. They did? Tommy Lee Jones. Yeah, Tommy Lee Jones. Well, Bulger had that great joke. Yeah, there's more than one. There was another comic from Atlanta that had pretty much the same joke about how crazy Ty Cobb's racism was. And basically the joke was another reporter in 19-whatever-29 wrote an article about how crazy...

Ty Cobb's racism was. And he was like, do you know how racist you're going to be to have a white guy call another guy, another white guy fucking racist in 1929? Damn. I think I butchered it. No, it's Baljeet. His joke was something about that. There was a quote that said he's racist, almost the point of psychosis. Yeah, yeah. And it was the same thing of like a white guy. It's delusional. Right. And it was like, what does that mean? He was like, oh,

Everyone's like, I don't think black people should be in the same swimming pools with white people. And then Ty Cobb's in the corner of the pool like, yeah, they're going to steal our mermaids. That's great.

Damn. That's great. Well, you got to think, if you're a white player back then and you're super racist, you got to play your fucking head off because you want to beat, you want to show everybody like, hey, we're the best. We can have these blacks coming in. Look how good I am. Yeah. But those Negro Leagues, like they just started letting those stats in for like the Hall of Fame now, like recently. Oh, no. We're done. That's it. When those stats get in, it's over for the honkies. We should do a black versus white.

I don't know. See what happens. It depends on which sport. Dominican's taking everybody. Oh, good point. Well, we could do swimming.

Yes, swimming I think would be okay. Hockey. Running, we're out. What would Sammy Sosa play for? Hockey's tough. He was Dominican, I think. But have you seen him lately? He's black again. Is he? Yeah, he's back. Oh, yeah. He got pretty white there. He got white, but I think he's back. And he finally admitted he cheated. He finally admitted to steroids. Really? Oh, that's nice. Geez. It's like Mambo No. 5 over here. It's like a Batman villain on the right. No, he looks... It does not look good. Wow. Look at that.

That's crazy. How did he do that? That is really something. Does steroids make you whiter? It's just powder. Ah. Powder up. Good movie. I'd like to differ. It's not great. That's not in the theater. Did you really? Oh, yeah. I think I did, too. Well, Powder came out at the same time as the other one that was just like it. Phenomenon? Phenomenon. That was a piece. That was in the theater, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. John Travolta? John Travolta. Yes.

I was thinking of Michael. Michael too? It was a piece of shit. The big spiritual moment in movies. I'll see anything in the theater. This, Portrait of a Comedian. Well, back in the day, you went to every movie. I did anyways. I went to a lot. And it was always full. It was great. I saw Batteries Not Included. That's great. By myself.

Wait, was that Johnny Five? No, that was a short circuit. It was right around the same time as all that shit. This was a Spielberg film. Yes! And it was the robots that came and helped the poor people in a fucking house that they were going to tear down. It was stop motion. I don't know. It was fucking awesome. Real people. No, no, but they had the little robots. Oh, like this.

Yeah, that was... Those were cute as hell. Wow, that's a fucking blast from the past right there. I saw that in the theater. Oh, it's great, right? Because all those people live in like a tenement building in New York. Yes, yes. And they're getting ready to demolish the block, but they don't want to leave. Yeah.

And so the developer is like, we're going to fucking kick you out of here. And then robots come in and help him. Yeah. I can't believe he made E.T. and then this. Yeah, yeah. How could this be over? Yes. No, he produced it. Oh, he didn't direct this? No, Marty Robbins directed it. Whoa. I saw it on the poster a second ago. Well, it's funny how times have changed. Now robots are going to take away from poor people.

They're like, hey, you drive a truck? Well, that's over. Yeah, we can do that. Yeah, exactly. And the rich people, too. It's terrifying. You guys terrified? Oh, Matthew Robbins. Ah, we got a little time. Very little. Not a lot of time. Well, I was just in... One of those tours now. I was just in Tempe, and they got the self-driving car. This sounds like...

A made-up story. It was so perfect for a movie, or I did it in my act. The Waymo? Waymo. Yeah. So it's like a self-driving Lyft. And Matt Wayne and I get to Tempe. We get in the car. The Lyft is all duct-taped together. The whole trunk is duct-taped.

She goes, my trunk doesn't open. I was in a fender bender. I got to put your suitcases in through the back. So she has to open the back door and put our suitcases. And I go, what's with the Waymo? They got the robot car. And she goes, I don't know how people trust these with their lives. It's insane. She literally pulls directly into traffic. It's like...

Oh, Jesus. I'm like, yeah, it seems crazy to trust these things. Yeah, well, what's worse, self-driving or woman? Oh, my God. I mean, if they're going to replace Asian drivers, I'm all for it. Yeah, Waymo. I think that's what Tom's wearing to the wedding. Oh, Waymo. Oh.

Way more! Way less. That was a bit, years ago when they first come out with the GPS directions. Oh yeah. That was big. I always questioned, why is it always a lady's voice? Yeah. Why is it always a lady's voice? Turn left. It's gentler. No.

No lady has ever had fucking good direction. That's a good point. But there's all these studies, psychological studies, this is why the subway is like this. Yes. Men listen, not men, people hear instructions from women better, information from women better, and commands from men better. Right. That's why we're on the subway, it's a lady says...

The next stop is 42nd Street. And then a man comes on and says, stand clear of the closing doors, please. Interesting. Yeah. So women are better at... Because women are like teachers. Right. Men are... Sure. Can I say that? Bleep it.

Yeah. Hey, let me get a hit of Bodega Cat. Keep it coming, man. We got 18 bottles back here. Is it Bodega Cat? You got it. Say it again for the people at home. That one's open. I don't want to open a new one. You got another cocktail left in that one. Oh, my goodness. This is, I really enjoy your whiskey. Now, do you brew it at home? Yeah, we'd make it in Vietnam. But we'll send some to the club for sure. But I don't know. We don't want to get you in trouble there, Patty. Does it have any names right on it?

Oh yeah. Somewhere on there, yeah. I like the picture of Sam and Marcus in a bathtub. Yeah. On the back. Oh my God. Yeah, it's fun, man. I'm bringing this all over the world. Hell yeah.

Get a bottle. Take a bottle. It's more than, I think it's more than 4.3 ounces. You checked the thing. Are you kidding? Who can afford a checked bag? It's never worth checking a bag. Really? I hate checking bags. I don't check either. Oh, I check sometimes now. I never checked. If I go on like a 10-day stretch, I'll check. But other than that. I'm going for 40 days. I have a backpack.

And a duffel. Jesus. Duffel. Yeah. Yeah, I do the check sometimes when I have to, and then I'll go to the lounge and burn like 10 minutes, and then you come back and the bag's waiting for you.

Well, yeah. Also, if you rent a car, it just takes time. I put my opener in the back of the plane, so I got to stand around waiting for his. Oh, well, there you go. The time he gets there. I do that with my wife. I've done that, too, actually. Yeah, they don't like it. Yeah. What can you do? What I did once, we flew to London when we did that game show.

Oh, yeah, that was great. I loved every second of it, and I hope they bring it back. We had a great time. A lot of work, this show. You hated it. We went to London. I hated it. But the wife, I brought the wife, but they gave us a first-class ticket, which was not too shabby. Ticket to London, lay down, great meal. So what I would do is eat half the meal and then walk back to the old peasant area and give her half the bowl.

Very nice. I was trying to be, you know, equality. That's pretty good. I did the same, but I just whipped it back there. I just kind of hurled it back at all of them. Catch it like a seal.

No, I had that one time when I was on a flight. I was in first class because I bought my ticket first and then Sarah fucking tagged along. And so she was in the back. And then so when I was sitting there, there was a big Texas guy. We were heading to Texas. That's where she's from. He was next to me. Yeehaw. And then she got on and I was like, oh, too bad. You didn't work harder. I was busting her balls. The guy was like, well, down in Texas, no man, no gentleman would let his wife sit back there. And they certainly wouldn't make any jokes about it. Jeez. And I was like, well, that's a good thing I'm not from Texas. Did you ask him where his wife was?

She was in Oklahoma trying to get an abortion. He's in the overhead, but he talks to her nicely. Right, right. Yeah, he tried to shame me, and I was like, I don't know what to tell you. Damn, did he talk to him or no? No, no, I try not to. Yeah, the plain chit-chat is tough.

That's the one thing I liked about the masks is it was like you could just avoid a conversation. I mean, I hated everything else. Right. But like no one talked to you in those things. That's true. And I had a after COVID, I sat next to a woman. I don't want to.

be too mean here, but she smelled horrific. Like the craziest BO, a weird milky, soury smell coming off of her. And I had to ask for a mask. So everybody thought I was like a COVID queef on the plane. This is like six months ago. Look at this fucking nerd. And I'm like, no, no, it's the giant lady. I did that with Hanley once. Phil Hanley and I were on a flight together and the person sitting next to me smelled like absolute shit. There we go. And I just walked over. I was like, hey, do you mind if I...

my friends right here do you mind if I switch and they were like yeah sure the person walks over and they just looked at me like you motherfucker because they couldn't say shit they couldn't say shit without being rude and I told Phil I'm like it smells really bad good move it's a good move that is shit it's a dick move but it was a good move well it's a dick move to smell like ass in public also I had it yesterday because I'm not familiar with New York City I get to the LaGuardia I get on the

bus which was fine oh yeah and then the train to Joe's uh place yep and there was a fella the only seat available there was a fella across from me and he was an older uh African American man sure um and he had pissed and shit his pants for weeks like

Same pain, like just a whole leg. Yeah. Clearly he hanged to the right. Sure, sure. And just piss and shit down his fucking... And I'm sitting across and it was nauseating. Of course. But it was the only seat on the...

You didn't want to stand? Then finally. He sat in his lap, of course. So eventually somebody over there moved and I go, oh, I'm going to move seats to get a better smell. Yes. And everyone looked at me like I was an asshole. They were like, why are you moving seats in the middle of the ride?

No one cares. No real New Yorker gives a fuck. Yeah, fuck that. I don't get it. It's too big. This fucking place is too big. In that situation, you wait for the pregnant woman to come and you go, ma'am, here you go. I've got a seat right here for you. I'm a gentleman.

Well, you want that stuff they have in Silence of the Lambs when they work with the dead bodies, where you put a little Hitler mustache with the thing. Oh, that's good. What's that called? What is that? The spelling salt? Oh, when he goes, I can smell your cunt. No, that's different. I just saw a thing about that movie that Gene Hackman was originally supposed to direct that. What? Yeah. And his daughter talked him out of it. She's like, it's really dark. You shouldn't do it. And that's why Jonathan... It's hard to picture someone crushing it like Jonathan. Yeah. It's such a good movie. Blessing in disguise, I think.

Didn't he just die in a weird thing? Yes. With his wife. You think it was about that movie? Yeah, I do. If I had just directed... Long game. People sometimes place methylated product, like Vicks or Stink Bomb. Ooh, I like that. Stink Bomb. I had a couple of those.

Yeah, they should get more of that. You ever done the smelling salts? Yeah. That shit hurts. I hate it. Oh, I hate it. I've never done that. It's hell. It hurts. I didn't know you were supposed to put it down here. I was in Rogan's green room, and I just put it right here. I was like, fuck, and he's just shaking me. I'm like, am I dying? He's like, I'm the fucking, this is like a Jew in that green room. Right. I'm like, god damn it. Well, Ari has to hold it over here. I mean, it's that hunger. Yeah.

That aardvark. Why would that come into play at all? Why you got smelling salts? To get you jacked up. In Austin, you got to be jacked up to do comedy. You got that right. I was just fading. You're just on the road that many days. I'm like, I've never tried it. I'll try it once. And then I was like, I'm never doing it. It works. I had a hangover. I hit that shit. I was cool as a cucumber. What happened to cocaine?

That's around. That's scary. Yeah, that's awesome. But it's just another form of discomfort. It's like when you have a jammed pinky and then you fuck up your toe and you're like, ah, this is the focus. Yes, yes, exactly. I don't know if it's curing it or you're just annoyed with something else. That's how I feel about drinking caffeine. People are like, you're tired, have a cup of coffee. I'll have caffeine. I'm still sleepy, but I'm jittery and sleepy. Right.

Right. Now I'm still tired, but I'm doing this. I always think coffee is going to cure depression when I'm feeling low. And then I have five of them and I'm just anxious. Yeah, exactly. And depressed. Yeah, I'm just like, oh, fuck. Well, they say coffee doesn't make you energetic. It just makes the tired feeling, you don't feel it.

So it actually doesn't give you any energy. It just blocks that feeling of tiredness for a second. But the problem, it's like the mafia coffee, because once you get in, you can't get out. And that's the problem. If you're gay, they'll kill you. Yeah, that too. That would be a good coffee product. Gay coffee. There you go.

What the hell is this? What is Sopranos? The gay mafia guy. Well done. Oh, man, I got to tell a quick story about Steve Scherippa. Because he's coming on the pod. And I was texting with him. And he was like, no other Sopranos people. And I was like, that's fine. It can be just you. And he's like, call me. And I was like, all right. And he goes, you booking any other Sopranos people? I was like, no. And he's like, no setups. And I was like, this isn't the Sopranos, dude. Oh, it's Bacala. Bacala. Bacala, sorry. Yeah, but I was like, what the fuck?

Geez, what's that about? He wants to be the main star? No, I think he's just like, I think he's probably just done a ton of shit with them and he just wants to do his own thing. I get that. But then also, I just like the idea that he thought it was going to set him up. Right, right. I think it's kind of like, you know. Wait, is he the one, he's not the one that turned out gay on the show. No. No, that's Vito. That's Vito. That's a crazy storyline. Yeah, but I think it's like you call Andrew Santino and he goes, no Bobby Lee. Like, I don't want to always be associated. I don't, but he wouldn't say that.

Do you have any movie recs list? I haven't been watching too much. We just watched Leave the World Behind. Did you watch that one? The Netflix? Yeah. Really comes apart. For like 45 minutes, I was like, this movie is chilling and fucking cool as hell. And then it falls apart. Produced by Obama.

Oh, yeah. Both Obamas. Michelle and Barack. Very strange. What have I been seeing? We saw the new Woody Harrelson is underwater movie. I heard it was decent. Oh, Kristen wants to see that. It's not great. Deep breath. Deep breath. Last breath. Last breath. Mm.

Last kiss. Yeah, we saw that. That's a true story, though, right? About the guys down in the... That's right. Yeah. And they try to reattach the thing and drag him up, and it's not going to work out. I was bummed out because it's based on a documentary, and if I knew that, I would have just watched the goddamn documentary. I saw the documentary. Yeah. It's like the Bob Dylan movie. I don't know what else I've... Watch the doc. Yeah. I don't know what else I've seen. Oh, yeah? A little late, huh? Did you see the movie? No. No.

I don't see something. I liked him. I thought he was good. He's good in it. He was pissed he didn't win that Oscar. You could tell. He's a young guy. He's going to be all right. He'll be fine. He'll be back. He's like Dan Marino. He'll be back. Plenty of opportunities. Him, Karl Malone. I'll figure it out. You're a weird guy, Ace. The Mailman. I'm reading that Phil Jackson book. I'm loving it. I'm going to pick it up. I'm ripping through it. I just read the Facebook. It's called...

What's it called? Meta. No, no, the new... Social network. Careless People. It's like everyone's talking about this book, and she's not even allowed to promote it because they're suing her. Whoa! Yeah, but it's like crazy stories about Zuckerberg and Sheryl Sandberg and stuff. It's fucking crazy. That'll help numbers if you get sued. That'll make it some buzz. I know, you can't do any press, but everyone's fucking talking about this book. That is crazy. It is funny, this thing I've realized about these super famous...

or super powerful, like, uh, people who just control everything. Whenever they do, like, a board game on their private jet or any game, they just, everyone just throws the game. Oh, wow. And they don't realize it. Why? Because the same thing with Summoner Redstone. All these, like, big, powerful, like, you know, uh,

Because I think they're just terrified of them. And these people all can't accept losing. They don't understand losing because their life is all winning. Right. So when they lose, they're just like, wait, what? And this one woman told no one let him win. And Mark Zuckerberg's like, what are you talking about? They don't let me. He didn't realize that everyone lets him win. No kidding. Wow. I went for Louis. We played tennis. I fucking dominated his ass. I was fucking killing him.

I was like, suck my dick. That was old as fat. It's weird to think about these power... Just being like, all right, we're on the private jet. Let's bust out the monopoly. Yeah. That's a weird game. You'd think they'd look at Facebook. Any game, yeah. But it's interesting as hell. It's really good. You got to play left, right, center because there's no skill or talent. Never played that.

No, you must have played. I don't think I have. I don't think I played it either. What is that? That was a $3 ante, so it might put both of you guys up. Is it a gambling? You never played it, huh?

The world. Aha. What? Go bananas. We said, LOL. Maybe I played when you was booking. LOL. LOL. It took over. We were all playing there. You roll dice and you start with $3 in front of you. And it is an L die, which means you pass a dollar to the left.

Oh, jeez. There's a center die. If you get that, you put it in the center. That's out of play now. Okay. There's a right one. You pass your dollar to the right, and there's a dot, and that means you keep your dollar. Okay. Eventually, only one person has a dollar left. Oh. And they win all the money. So how long do you have to play before? It takes a while. It's the only game that you're like, I really want to be surrounded by dots. Right. That and cricket. But there's...

That was good. Also, you're never out of the game because you think, like, I have no money left, but if you roll, you get a right, the dollar goes to him. You roll a right, it goes to him. We got to play it. Should we do a round? I brought left, right, center, but it's in my bag. Oh! Fucking condo. That could get epic. We were playing at, I tried to get it at your bachelor party. Ari and I went on like a fucking epic party.

What do you call that? Run? Run. Beer run. Quest. Quest. We're left, right, center. We couldn't find it. But we used to play in the green room at LOL when Lewis's girl was booking it. And there'd be like nine of us and everyone's screaming. It's the most fun. Damn, I totally forgot about Beatrice. Fucking time flies, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Those were crazy days. LOL days. It was on. During December, it was the best club in the city. That's true. January, it was the worst place on earth. I did New Year's there once. That was probably the worst New Year's of my life. What? No.

I had nothing booked. I was like, I want to work. And yeah, I wanted to fucking kill myself. Oh, wow. Oh, that like hurt my heart, Sam. It was a bad New Year's. That has a better suicide rate than Syracuse. New Year's and LOL. Do you still work New Year's? Usually not. I haven't worked. I don't like...

performing for gigs that are just like people are out for the night and not for the show. It's babysitting. Yeah. When you said you'd quit, I quit. Yeah. I said for... I had to think about it, but I don't think I've done it the last couple years. For years, I would say, I remember being at Caroline's with you saying, my goal in comedy is to no longer work New Year's Eve. Yeah. And I did the last one I ever did was Grand Rapids. I did that one. Dr. Grin? Dr. Grin's. And it was a fucking... It wasn't even a knife fight. It was a gun and sword fight.

all in the same building. Yeah. And I said, I'm like, that's it. I'm done. I haven't worked since. Also, that three-show Saturday, we did too many clubs that were three-show Saturdays, and the green room in the winter would be like 25 degrees. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta get like a fucking space heater or something. Something. I'm dying in here. I know. Yeah, that, I did that same New Year's, that's already a boozy show. Yes. That's a boozy show

In May Yeah You know Let alone New Year Oh there are fucking Booze bags in that city The building it's in The big old building The Bob Bob Is literally like A drinking center You know They have like A bar on every floor There's a wedding On the top floor Then a comedy club Then a brothel And you know what they did

They put up nets like the apple. That's right. Because people were falling off. Yes. Like many times. We were like, well, we'll see you tomorrow. Yeah. They set up fucking nets. Yes. Hang it. You see a fat bachelorette go down the stairs. That's got to be a lot of deaths just being a fall down drunk. You just fall. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Tom will do it. I got a little terrace area and I'm like, oh, I almost... There was one time I was like, oh, I'm fucking hammered. This could be ugly. I had to be aware of my steps. Oh, yeah. I've told this story before, but on the north end, our friend Ryan Cott, who was the old manager of the comedy club. Oh, roof deck. He had a rooftop in the north end, the fifth floor, and I was woken up by someone sleeping on this thing, but this was a...

Drop, like five stories. Oh, God. And I was laying on it, like taking a nap like this. And they were like, dude, you got to wake up. And I was like, well, fucking get out of here. Whoa, there's a clapping song about that. Yeah, it was just straight down. If I had moved, like if I had rolled in my sleep, I would have fucking fallen off a building. Oh, my God. Good Lord, man. What a place to nap. But I don't know why it made sense to me at the time. I was like, oh, this is like a good size. Like a cot. You just fucking pass out. Yeah. You're just drunk.

Yeah, the amount of falling asleep driving I've done. We're all lucky to be alive. Oh, yeah. Well, dude, plug the movie. You know...

One more time, plug the movie Portrait of a Comedian. Tom Dustin, Portrait of a Comedian, Quad Cinema in New York starting April 25th. I mean, there's a whole list. Midtown Art Cinema in Atlanta, May 9th. Kendall Square in Cambridge, Massachusetts, May 9th. These are all full runs, by the way. Ritz 5 in Philadelphia starting May 9th. Los Angeles, Sunset 5. And you can go to TomDustinDoc.com to see where it's playing near you. And we're going to be adding theaters. Grand Rapids must...

It's at the Bob. You can see it. Oh, there you go. Yeah. Lexington, Mass, San Jose, San Francisco. It'll be all over. It's a fun movie. First of all, it's 93 minutes long. It's really funny. Hilarious. That's what I like about it. You made a...

Because I was bummed. I was like, oh my God, everyone's going to know what a fucking piece of shit I am. No. And blah, blah, blah. And you made it so funny. Oh, thank you. And then it does tell a nice story. I think you fucking did a nice job. It's beautifully done. Oh, fucking thing. And you feel the friendship. And you come off very funny in it. I mean, it's a lot of laughs in the theater. When you pulled that shotgun out, I lost it. I don't want to give anything away. Yeah.

That makes it sound like the suicide happens. And then, yeah, I mean, I got a bunch of dates. April, I don't know when this comes out, but Punch-Up Live, April 10th through the 12th, Minneapolis Acme, which is selling out, so do that. And Wilbur Theater, April 19th, which is really close to selling out, so you might be too late on that.

Rochester, Cleveland, all those things. They're going to be playing it at the Tropic Cinema in Key West on May 9th. Okay. And they're doing a free bodega cat tasting. Hell yeah. Did you know about that? You get one full free bottle. I'm fucking doing a bodega cat tasting. We'll set it up. We'll set it up.

I wish you guys would come back down. I'll figure it out. I'll make it worth it. I'll figure it out. I know you're fucking big stars. Well, if I can get a hotel this time, I'm in. No, would you stay with Joe Models last time? Yeah, I think so. No, no. I'll tell you. We got it figured out now. I got you. I believe you. Louis C.K. just did it.

Louie, Ari, Chad Daniels. You guys have killer lineups. Jim Norton. I get Jim Norton coming in. You know what we should do? Let's go do the three of us. Oh, my God. The old boy. That's the festival. That's the comedy key festival right there. One of us will kill ourselves. We'll leave the wives and babies behind.

I say we do it. I love it. And just go see the movie. It's fantastic. Have a few pops. Make a night out of it. Try to match Tom's drunkenness. Go see the movie. I'm not that bad. Well, in the movie, I mean. Oh. Then yes. Mark, you got Napa. Oh, hell yeah. Napa, Santa Barbara, Asheville, Bristol, Tennessee, New Brunswick, New Jersey, Ithaca. I'm going to the Syracuse area. Then we're going to the United Kingdom.

Birmingham, Cardiff, London, Glasgow. Wait, this is your schedule? Yeah, yeah, I'm going to the UK, baby. You forgot to say Reykjavik.

Oh, thank you. I didn't know how to pronounce it. Reykjavik. It's almost sold out, which I don't know anything about Reykjavik, but I can't wait to go. And Albany, Burlington, you know, MarkNormanComedy.com. Go to Punch-Up Live. We're all on there. Figure it out. Get a ticket and say hello. Yeah. Sammy! I got Columbus. Yeah, what do you got there? Go up. It's the 10th. No, you're the wrong way.

Columbus, Royal Oak, Grand Rapids, Milwaukee, Madison, Des Moines, St. Louis, Kansas City, Minneapolis, then Phoenix, San Diego, Sacramento, SF, Portland, uh, Adelaide show on a Monday. So please fucking don't make me regret that shit. Uh, Seattle, Vancouver, Boise, uh,

Denver, I'm all over. So, yeah, adding a bunch of dates coming out soon for the fall and the summer. So, punchup.live slash Joe List, punchup.live slash Mark Norman, punchup.live slash Sam Morrell. We love you. Go see the movie. Get some Bodega Cat, bodegacatwhiskey.com, and we'll see you next time. Thanks, guys. Oh, can I add one thing? Add it. I'm so sorry. Add it. I don't think this has been announced to anybody.

I'm the first one in the pool. May 21st, my new special is premiering at the IFC Center at a movie theater. You can come see it live. I love a movie theater. They'll let you do anything at these places. You're like Paul Reubens. May 21st, here in New York City at the IFC Center, right by the cellar. He got it. It'll be in the cinema. You can watch a comedy special. I'm going to be the first pirate. I don't want to be a pirate. All right, great. That's exciting.

Love you guys. Go see it. I'll see you guys soon. Comedy!