Shownotes Transcript
Hey. Tim Dillon's here. Thanks for having me. Appreciate you. New special on Netflix. Thank you very much. A good buddy. Yeah, it's there. We were in the top ten for a week, which was good. That's hard now. It's hard to do. Love on the Spectrum got us. But RFK's getting them. That's Rick Glassman's special. So enjoy it while you can. Kidding. It's all going to work. What was that? Adolescence? What was that thing? Adolescence was big. That was huge. About a young kid who murdered his friend. Yes. Or a woman. Which one's that?
About a young kid who killed a girl. The British kid? Uh...
Cute kid, too. Everything on Netflix now is either the silliest thing ever or the darkest thing you've ever seen. There's no in the middle. It's either like these two people are dating, but they've only ever seen each other's eyes, or it's like an eight-year-old committed a mass murder. There's no in the middle ground. It's let's eat cake, or is this cake, or rape. Is this rape? Is this rape? Have you guys done that show, Is It Cake? No.
By the way, that's a show. That's a show. This is rape. This is rape. It's the most I've ever heard. Luis Gomez once, years ago, said we should do a show called Rape Dicks where we investigate open mic rape claims. And I said, I'm going to pass.
I saw this movie. It's a wreck if you've never seen. You know this British director, Mike Lee? Of course. Have you seen Naked? I haven't seen it, but he did. I think he did. If I'm thinking of the right guy, he did Secrets and Lies. He's brilliant. Yeah, dude. It's dark shit. Oh.
That's a congressman. It's a senator from Utah. He pulled up an Asian man. No. No, it's literally opening scene rape and you're like, all right, I guess he's the bad guy. And then there's another rape and you're like, I'm confused. There's like five rapes in this movie. But it's fucking dark. It's good though. It's thought provoking and crazy. Really? Okay. He had one movie called Secrets and Lies. It was brilliant. I've heard it. The whole plot of the movie is that is a British working class woman finds out she has a daughter and
and the daughter's black. So it's just a very interesting, because like,
Today, obviously, wouldn't really be that, but it was like such a thing. Yeah. Right. You know, where it's like, it was just a funny movie on rewatch. It's funny. Yeah. You know, because that's the whole plot. The whole plot is like, she had sex with a black guy and has a black daughter. Wow. And her family has to accept it. I mean, look at the, look at, she's crying next to her. So she's disappointed twice. She's like, I have a daughter. No, she's crying. She's literally crying. She's black. She's like, sweet. Oh, how did it happen? We have come a long way.
We don't forget how long away we've come. We've come a long way. Wow. Now this is the film. Now this looks like an ABC show. This looks like a new show. That's Bob Loves Abishola. This is Abedin Elementary, everybody. Oh, good times. All right, I got to check out this naked. It's good. I'm doing it. It's shocking. Five real. That's more than a Hannah Gadsby special. That's right. It was crazy.
All right, I'm on. I'm in. Yeah, dude, I saw you making the rounds. You're popping up everywhere. I'm doing a lot. You got to do it now. You got to do it. I mean, I'm on CNN, Fox. I'm on all the things, and it's crazy. How much did they actually air of you on CNN? I saw that clip. Yeah, because I saw it too. They haven't done it yet, but we sat there for an hour. We had a really great talk.
And I just think, I think they'll air it. I hope they'll air it. The journalist is pushing for them to air the whole thing either, not on TV, but on the line. YouTube, right? Yeah. We had a good talk. It wasn't, it was, it was a good talk. But they have a narrative.
Yeah, I think they all do. All of the cable. Yeah. All the cable things do, but I get it. Because you go on Fox, you're like, is cancel culture canceled? Right. And then they'll be like, this guy's got a new special that woke losers will hate. But it's like me talking about my mother. I'm not up there being like, the tariffs. But I get it. It's just what it is. But you've got to make the rounds. And they're fun. And you see how much that media is dying because all these things are remote. Right.
Is that right? You just go into a room, they put an earpiece in you, and then Sean Hannity's in Florida. Uh-huh. And he's like, you know, all right, next, coming up is Tim Dillon. And then he goes, you do your thing with him. And then he goes, why are people offended at jokes? I go, I don't know, it's privileged, I guess, or coddled. You know, people have real problems, you know? Yeah.
And he goes, right, right. And you'll go back and forth quick, quick. And then he's like, thank you so much. Well, that's we love you and good luck. And then you do that and you're like, okay. And then some guy comes in and he like takes the thing off you. And then he's like, goodbye. Wow. And then you just walk out onto Sixth Avenue. It's over. Then you do Theo Vaughn and it gets 8 million more views. Right. Yeah. So it's weird. But then it's like weird because Hannity Willoughby, there's just people that watch that. Sure. So like old Long Island friends of mine are like texting me photos. Wow. Because that's their thing.
He's their Theo Vaughn. Right. Sean Hannity's their... You know what I mean? Larry King. Their Larry King, whatever. Howard Stern or whatever. So it's like... It's just interesting what hits what people. Yeah. What people... And I just want people to watch his specials. I'll just do anything...
that'll get people to watch this special. Well, Schultz fucked us because he did, like, Barry Weiss, then he did Megyn Kelly, then he did Shea Shea, then he did Rogan. Like, he hit every... He wouldn't even do, like, Are You Garbage? He just did all the other ones. Well, I'm doing Barry Weiss, but then I'll do Hamas. Like, I'm going to do ball. Like, I'll go right to the tunnel because, frankly, I want to hear everybody. I want all viewers. Some of your friends from Long Island are like, I liked you on Hamas. They're like, I saw you on Hamas. I love Hamas.
That's got to be a big tunnel there. Watch out. Hey! That's what I said about my... I was doing some joke about my, I don't know, my stepmother or something. I said, drag her into the tunnel, make it bigger or something. She heard it. They hear it. They hear it, these people. They hear the things you say now. Well, people send it to these...
They go, hey, did you hear what this asshole said? You're like, what are you doing? She doesn't watch TV. Enjoy it calmly and privately. Yes. Well, I have friends I grew up with who listen to you, and they're like, Tim Dillon mentioned you. I'm like, oh, so I get like cred from you, you know? Yeah, all the time. I have that weird, do you guys ever have that thing? Like, he'll send me a thing. He's like, Bill Burr mentioned you, and you're like, ugh.
I'm always terrified it's going to be like, this guy's a hack. He sucks. He's annoying. You don't know what that guy's going to say. So you kind of have to listen with one eye closed. We make edits on this podcast. Yes. It gets to a point where sometimes too much booze where we start shit talking. Of course. Let's cut it down. You got to rein it in sometimes. I get it. We had Bert on. He got seven whiskeys deep. He's like, this guy sucks. This guy hates me. Oh, I got texts from people who were like, my feelings are hurting. He's an alcoholic. Bert went for sushi for three hours. It's the best dinner ever.
He will shit talk all night. It's pretty great. He's the best shit talker in the business. Best, most fun stories from like back in the day. He's really. He's on our pod. We're all hammered. He's yelling at Mark. He's like, catch up. I'm like, dude, you weigh 400 pounds more than us. We shouldn't be going drink for drink. I don't even think it's that because he's not even that big anymore, but he's just trained his body. Yes, exactly. He's really trained. We have sets that night. He's going to eat a steak and fall asleep. He fell asleep at a steak. Segura's like, he's asleep at dinner.
And I'm like, yeah, we're fucked up too, believe it or not. We're trying to keep up with him. Yeah, what a dinner. What a fun, just fun. Yeah. You know? No, he has a great time. He's a great time. He's a machine. Yeah. He's so much fun. But that sushi dinner, there's no way he remembers that. He loved it. He does remember it. It's weird. All right. But we went to a place where you can't take out the phone.
Oh. And that was on purpose. They will not allow the FOMs. Would you ever get married, do you think? I don't know. I've been thinking about it more. I think it's a... You can do that now. You can do it now. Um...
For now. That's true. But no, I'm kidding. I think it would have to make a lot of sense because New York's a state where it's a community property state. So you got to be deeply in love with someone and you got to want that legal definition because it is half your property and half your money and half of all of it. Well, you get the nup.
Yeah, but I will tell you, New York's tough. LA's tough, even with them. Are you a New York resident right now? I don't know. Yeah, I don't know either. I was last year. The year before that was California. Two years ago was Texas. That was a good one. You better figure that out. You might get sent to El Salvador. Well, first of all, I will enjoy it.
There's not one image from that prison that's disturbed me or made me feel like it isn't fun. No, I'm kidding. They had margaritas. Yeah, no, I think I'm New York resident. All right. Welcome back, man. The numbers of days. Holy shit. That's like Tim Spring Break. I mean, is that? Who's fearing that? Zoom in. Zoom in. Let's get a little more. Zoom in, Stella. Like a Harry Krista.
Holy hell. I mean, come on. That doesn't look so bad. The one with the tats is pretty good. Pretty hot. The ones to the left and right, not great. Yeah. By the way, you know where gay marriage is not legal? Ukraine. Yeah. And I think Greece just pulled back. Did you see this? They pulled back on gay kids. Well, I think Greece got too gay. Oh. I mean, I think Greece went so gay that they said, we need to pull it back. Yeah. I think there were guys just leaving their wives in the middle of dinner getting gay married and then coming back. Yeah.
So I think you need to find a healthy... Right. Well, even the gay icons of Greek guys, right? Gay. Yeah. Very gay. Oh, yeah. Rome, too. Yeah. I think it's a weird time we're in now because...
There's this big circle now called queer. Yeah. No one knows what that means. And people don't like things that are undefined. Yes. Where they go, wait, so who's queer and what is this? And what do you want from me? And what do I got to call you? And how does this work? And are you suing me? And all that.
And and what happens is now you're lumped into this thing where you go, it's your it's it's trans people, which is great. But then it's also non-binary people. And then you go, OK. And then you're like, but it's also people that identify as a million different genders. You go, OK. And then you go, it's also pansexuals and sapiosexuals and demisexuals. And you go, I don't know what any of that means.
And you start. I'm not sure you do either. Yeah. It's like the menu at a diner. You're like, this is a lot. It's too much. And I think what's what's people. I, you know, it's going back. People are pulling back now and going like reevaluating some of these progressive, in my mind, good things like gay marriage and stuff like that, because I think they're going, wait a minute. What is this new thing?
that we don't really understand that we're being kind of led into. Well, yeah, and I think you need the definitions. Like, just what is a woman? And people start going like, well... Yeah, it's crazy. Just...
We got to make this quicker. No one wants to come off as ignorant or disrespectful, but it is getting, I'm a little confused. Yeah. Maybe get yelled at or fired. Well, that's the thing. If people said to me, like, 2010, everything's glee, everything's fine, no one cares about anything. Yeah. And then if somebody came to me and said, well, how do we get this going the other way? How do we go slide back? I go, I don't know, take some drag queens, put them in a library, have them read to eight-year-olds.
Like that's the craziest thing. That just got picked up on Netflix too. Yeah, that's there. The new show. The craziest thing is like you have that and people are like, what is this? Yeah. Right. We're nightclub. Drag is nightclub. We're nightclub people. I don't want kids at our shows. Why would we want kids at our shows, right? Well, some comics. So this to me is like, again, it just – I think people start going like, hey, what's going on here? And then you get this backlash where they start going, all right.
We're going to start reevaluating everything. My thing is just don't gaslight me. If you're like, what's up with that? They're like, whoa, you're fucking mad. You're like, well, it wasn't here before. Now it's here. I'm asking where it came from, and now I'm a bad guy. It just seems unnecessary to have a drag queen in a library. I feel like a library is unfun. I don't know anyone that wants to go to a library. If they called all three of us and go, you need to read the kids in the library, God, none of us would do it. We'd all go, oh, we'd love to, but...
We got too much to do. Also, a longshoreman is weird to read to kids. People get married at the New York Public Library. That's like a big thing here. Rent it out. It's a pretty place. It's a pretty place. So here's the one that I like. Can you bring up that one to the left with the thorns? That one, that one. This is the one. What is going on? This is the one where you go, wait a minute.
This is horrifying. This is horrifying. I mean... We've combined, like, two genres here. Is that Chapel Roan? What's going on? Yeah. What happened? But I mean... Woo!
I might go back in a closet and just marry Schumer. Dan Soder said the best thing. He goes, if you and Schumer, you just, if you take, you fuse your power, and what you do is you just, every coffee house you'd walk out of, it would just explode, and you'd just have the Heath Ledger smiles on. It's an unstoppable force. Right. But see, this is where people start going, what is happening? Yeah.
So I think this is the issue that we're commingling these worlds that shouldn't be around each other. And I don't think it's necessarily bad. I don't think these people are all pedophiles. I think it's like this is like a lot of do-gooder women going like, I want to show how tolerant I am. And even men, right? Going like, I'm taking my kid to the drag hour.
Right. Because there's a lot of Park Slope dads being like, we're going to drag hour. Yeah. And then you go, okay, but maybe... There's a lot of other options in New York. The Mets are playing, I think. We can go to the Rockettes. Right. I was raised by a drag queen. My nanny was a burlesque dancer, big black guy. But it was only because...
He was cheap. My parents were afforded. I mean, he did molest you, but he was also very affordable. Sure. I learned a lot. Sure. But yeah, it wasn't like we're so progressive. It was just like, oh, this guy will do it. Yeah. Bring him in. Yeah. This is a different thing. This is like a statement. Yeah, this is a statement. And I just don't think it's it's not ideal.
Yeah, it's strange. It's strange. And you should be able to say it's strange. Yeah. That's all. Now we're in a garage. All right. How the fuck did you get Kevin Spacey? We've been trying to get him on this show for two years. Maybe you shouldn't have been using his name as a punchline every episode. His reps did one episode of work. My agent. Yeah. Justin? The great fat Justin. Yeah. Hold the...
uh, his manager, their friends. And he said, would he do this? And he goes, yeah. And we called the manager and we chatted about it and we had to go back and forth on the script a lot. Cause like we had him calling me a pig and stuff. Frank, Frank feels like it's more elegant. He doesn't like, he doesn't like the elegant, um,
You know. What's that? Who said that? A predator? Kevin Spacey, Frank Underwood revival. Who's writing that? That's nice. Oh, God. He was acquitted. That's true. That's why we can't have him on the show.
Well, here's the deal. I'm not saying everything he's done is ideal. Here's what I'm saying. The character. Agree to disagree. I'm saying the character of Frank Underwood was Netflix's first hit show. Iconic character. First hit character. I didn't think it was just if he was roasting podcasters, making fun of it. I think it's funny. We wanted someone to make fun of this idea that podcasters are a
It's so important and this and that and whatever. Right. And we're like, who would be better to do it than fucking Frank Underwood from House of Cards? And we started laughing and we said, is there a way to get him? And we got him and he was really professional. Did you have to pay him a lot or was he just. He didn't pay him a dime. Wow. He was a passion. He just did it. Oh, I love it. And he's, you know, he's like one of the greatest actors of all time. Unbelievable talent. He's unbelievable. Even his bad movies. I remember like. K-Pax. Dude, you know, he's. K-Pax was like not terrible.
Do you remember swimming with sharks? He was fucking amazing. Oh, that's great. Guys, kills on everything he does. And he came in and he just was great. But, you know... Did you put... Did you rock the boat at all? Did you poke him at all off camera or no? No. He was very like... Flirty? No. He was just very like... He's just one of these guys who like... You...
he's an actor in the sense that you don't know what he's saying. You don't know if what he's saying is true. Do you know what I mean? Right. I've met these guys like Joaquin Phoenix when they're so good. Like I'm innocent? Well, they don't exist. Joaquin Phoenix doesn't exist. Kevin Spacey doesn't really exist. Frank Underwood exists. Kaiser Shoza. He's not.
Got it. He's a vessel. He's a vessel. Yes. So he could tell you anything he wants. Well, I know someone who did a movie with him, and I was like, was he appropriate? And he goes, he kept trying to touch my dick, and then I asked him to stop, and he mostly stopped and was cool. Oh.
Wow. It's a great promo. Because what it does is it roasts the whole way we have to promote things. It makes fun of comedy. And that's what we were going for. And I told you not to tell anybody that. You've never been in a movie. All right. Not with him. But it was largely positive reaction and then a few very negative ones.
As well. Yeah, you're going to get that with anybody. You're going to get it. Yeah, I mean, you went provocative, and I got sent it by a bunch of friends who just were like, this is funny. I thought it was funny. It was so good. We got Brian Franski, who's a great writer, and we worked on this script. He works with Nikki. He works with me and a few people, and we brought him in, and we're just sitting in Los Angeles, the podcast studio, going like, we had a line that Spacey wouldn't read that I think was so...
We ended up going with Daily Wire the musical, which is a funny one. The original line that Frangie wrote was, I go, I'm supposed to endorse Jews for a Ukrainian Gaza, which I thought was the best. It was a killer line that Brian wrote. And then he just wouldn't.
He came in, he had a Ukraine thing on the wrist. Oh. And he's like, I just won't say that. I'm uncomfortable with that. And we were like, totally. And we're like, alts, alts. We had alts. Yeah, yeah. How about this? How about that? Right. So we're like, you know. Damn. Yeah, he had a few good alts. So he's got standards. He's got scruples. He has, yeah, he has certain things he's uncomfortable with saying and doing. Got it. Okay.
But it came out great. It was really funny, and everybody shared it. It was a fun one. We thought about it. We didn't know what... It's weird now to film a pro, and that's not second nature to me. Some guys are great at it. I wasn't, and I'm like, this might be a really funny idea, and we...
We got him. You're not like a promo whore. I don't know how to do it. I don't know how to do it. Well, it's one thing to go and talk on shows, but to be like, come see my thing. It's hard. It's hard. It's hard for me to do. It's outside of our... I remember I used to bark, and I was so fucking bad at it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Barking wasn't... That was never my skill set. No.
I'd go like this. I'd go, I tried like a few times and then I think it was like, was it the lantern back in the day? Yeah, I did that one. Yeah. And then you try and then people go, I don't want to come. And I go, yeah, right. Yeah.
Yeah. Like, all right, I'm not going to. But when you get people in and there's like four people, you're like, hot show tonight. And then you go up and they're like, what the fuck? I used to live with a guy, by the way, who was pretty good at it. I remember. He was pretty good. He was good. It's kind of an art. He'd like corner a couple. Rarely a good comic, though. Well, it's not ideal, but, you know. Because you're lying. Yeah. You're comfortable lying. He was good at that angle of it. Yeah. Where it was just kind of like, come here. Yeah.
It's one of those. Like, hello. That's hard for us. I did Last Comic Standing and they're like, all right. You know, you do those interstitials, those confessional moments. Yeah.
Tell us how you're going to kick everybody's ass. I'm like, honestly, I'm probably not going to make it through. I'm not a minority. We were on Last Comic together years ago. With Norm, Roseanne, and Keenan. Yeah. We were on it. I was on it for two minutes. You were maybe on it longer. And I was gone in the first thing. I was on two and a half minutes, I think. But literally, here's the deal. Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It was probably... I don't think...
I don't think they have any footage of it, but it was like me and you were on this thing. And I remember like there was a moment during the, I just never looked worse than these ice house photos. I hate this guy took these photos of the ice house. I'm like, can you just get them off? Um,
And it's like, it's a club I perform at once a year. I'm like, can you just get the photo? It's a great club. It's a great club. It's far from LA, right? Sure. So we were on this comic scene and I remember there were people on it that were really, really good at going like, all right, I'm going to call my mom now. And then the camera would go up to this person and then they would be like, mom, I'm here. And then you're like, oh, this is...
Crazy. I know. And me and you were just really, and we looked at each other and we're like, we're just not comfortable with that. No. That's not what we're into. They wanted drama. They wanted to be like, I'm living in a van. I've got divorced. My mom has cancer. I need to win this. But I didn't have that. I was like, yeah, I'm not going to do well. The drama we would do is like poking people, but it wasn't just like, I'm a victim.
And they want the I'm a victim. They want the sob story. Here's my sad story. But I was like, no, I have a pretty good life. Yeah. Yeah, I'm just trying to write jokes. I want to be a good person. That's the enemy of that. That's what I'm saying. Dude, I remember doing AGT. I did all these fucking awful shows. And they were trying to get me to trash people on camera. I'm like, dude, I don't want to do it.
You know, it's already stressful. There's a fat couple dancing Mambo No. 5 next to me. Right. They're like a bird, talking bird. I'm like, I'm already losing my mind. Yeah. Don't make me, like, bury these people. Yeah. A little bit of Monica in my life. Yeah. No, it was a weird thing. Yeah. Yeah, reality TV. That's kind of over now for comics. I think we've ruined it for ourselves. Comics, it's over. But those shows are still big, right? God, is it not for everyone else? I mean, those shows. What's the big one now? Well, oh, God. Like, Love Island shows like that. Oh.
A billion hours of watching. I guess that is competition. No, I don't. Yeah, like. Oh, what was it? The Mask? Is that still around? The Circle is big. Bachelor. Love is Blind. I don't even know what The Circle is. Mess. Singers are dystopian hellscape. It really is. I mean, that's a scary thing. Yeah. Yeah.
That looks like something you make fun of. It doesn't look like a real thing. Yeah, you did. Is it cake? I did. How was it? They cut out every... It was a kid's show, so I'm making AIDS jokes and keto jokes. How much of it is actually cake? They're like...
I should fire Justin right now for not getting us on is it K. Why are we not on is it K? The only thing of mine that my niece has ever seen, she was like, you're on is it K? So it's like for them. No, it's fucking ridiculous. I was on with Christina P, so thank God it wasn't her. Oh, that helps. But she's like a real fan of the show, so she's like, Mikey Day is incredible. He's an incredible host. Look at the leather. Where'd you get a leather jacket? I don't know.
This is crazy. What am I doing? He's selling Molly. So wait a minute. You just look at it and then you have to see if it's really hard. It really is the worst. It's a terrible show. It's a terrible show. But Mikey Day actually is like a great host. Sure. But dude, you're like, you're looking across and you're like, dude, it's impossible. You're fucking 40 feet away. How the fuck could I? I don't know what it is. Yeah. Oh, please don't play clips. Please. Oh, here we go. Turn up the volume. That looks like cake. One.
Yeah, this is tough. That is hard, dude. Also, you're up against this fattest lady ever, so she's going to know the cake. Oh, thank God. Okay. We have to decide together. Oh, God. Watch out for that guy. They cut out a domestic abuse. This woman knows every cake. I definitely made a domestic abuse joke there. Turns out she was cake at the end. They cut her open.
He's chocolate. Okay. That's a crazy lineup again. Like, they just get a crazy lineup of guests. Makes no sense. I just think you're like, say, it's a story, if anything else. And then here's the story. It was bad. That's the stuff Jaden's asking you. The story's like, it was a bad show. Glad I spent six hours there. That's so funny. Yeah. Is it cake? Yeah. What a nightmare.
You got a Netflix show. I mean, you're on TV. Yeah, it's something to do. Something to do. Half the time, I'm like, it's something to do. It's just a fun thing. I mean, shit, what is any of this? You feed the beast. Exactly. You just got to do it. Yeah, I would do The View. If The View called me, I would do it. Would you? Yeah, it's The View. I don't know.
I tried to get on The View. There you go. They're not doing that. I go, all right. They should have you. They had fucking... I agree. Who do they have? Bill Burr? They won't have me. Damn. I just... We tried. How great would you be on The View? What's your bucket list show that you'd want to get on? Well, I grew up listening to Stern, but that's tough because he only has mega famous people. Yeah. But Stern would be cool because I grew up listening to him. Yeah. And then I think I've done a lot of them. I just...
I can't think of ones outside of Stern that are like ones that I really grew up with that I like that meant a lot to me. And they don't have the silly. Obviously, Larry King is dead. But Stern isn't what it used to be. It's different now. It used to be horrors getting salami thrown at him. Yeah. No Charlie Rose anymore. That would be kind of cool. Charlie Rose. I'd like that would be cool. I mean, I grew up watching that.
You know. Or James Lipton. Yeah. I know, I know. Yeah, but I liked it. He had Chappelle on. But he acts. Chappelle acts. That's true. That's true. That's a good point. I just took a joke or two for an hour with James Lipton. Tell me about the process. Were they mad at you for trashing that after? I haven't heard about it. I think it was so bad that no one cared. It's obvious. You have not heard from Todd. No, but that's okay. Like, I don't, I don't, I don't, I got to be honest. Yeah.
Why would I lie? Right, right. Why would I lie? It's terrible. I haven't seen it. That relationship has no value to me. It's not because I dislike him. It's because the value of my career is being honest and saying, oh, this is what I think about this.
Not my relationship with him. So, I mean, I would think he'd not care. There's other people saying it that have more weight than me. Good point. Yeah, I don't think it's like... Do you think there's any truth that he intentionally made it horrible or hard to watch? No. No truth to that? He was trying to make a great film? I don't get why anyone would make a bad movie on purpose. I don't think he made a bad movie on purpose. It's not the producers. That's not real. Exactly. I think that they said to them, all the incels and shit loved the first one, and then it became this like...
Oh, what they do now is if they can't, if they don't like something, but it's objectively good, they go, the audience is bad. Yes. This is the new tactic. They go, but the people who like it are bad.
So instead of going, oh, this sucks because they go, no, it doesn't suck. It's objectively good. They go, OK, but the audience is bad. That's true. So then they ran the other way and they were like, all right, let's take this thing that people really like to make it into this. Like, let's let's add show tunes. Right. And then they made it this kind of silly thing that like I don't think was for anyone. No, no one liked it. It's weird because sometimes the critics like they really get it wrong both ways. But like.
I feel like sometimes they're scared to trash certain, like, I think there's a lot of movies that come out where they're just like, it's like 97% of Rotten Tomatoes. I'm like, this is the worst piece of shit I've ever seen. Oh, yeah. Of course. Well, Rotten Tomatoes really lost the plot a long time ago, which is, it was like my go-to. And then it was like, audience score, 99. Audience score matters. Of course. Like a lot, like more to me at this point, you know?
But once you find out it's tainted, you're like, well, what are we doing here? I also feel like the days of the critic, like, it's so... Fuck critics. Like, I used to read all Ebert's, like, reviews. Me too. I loved reading those. I thought he was a great writer. But, like, the days of, like, I'll destroy you in my column are fucking dead, you know? Yeah. Yeah, I just don't think people care. Yeah. You like what you like. You know? I think people vote with their pocketbooks now where it's like, if they are spending money, they like you.
Yeah. And if they're not spending money, they either they don't know about you or they're not into it or whatever. Yeah. I think I don't think one guy makes that much of a difference. Like, yeah, I just did that Ari storytelling show. Just your mom's house produced it. It was big budget, real cameras, rips and all this shit. And I was like, wow, I was impressed. I go, what are you going to sell this to Netflix? He goes, no, I'm going to do pay per view. Why would I do that? They're going to lowball me.
You know, they're not going to promote it. He's like, I got all these giant comics on. We'll all share it, you know, tweet about it. Right. We'll make a ton of money on pay-per-view. I mean, the star power on this show, he's like, I'm not going to just give this away. Yeah. And I'm like, good for you. Fuck them. That feels like the new way to do it. That's right.
But I stand with Netflix. Yeah. I completely agree with you, but I just want to say that we're also just grateful to Netflix and Tetsurandos and the Greek people in general. I don't care what they ban. We're thankful for democracy, for the Greeks, for Tetsurandos or Netflix, for all the people that work there, that other woman. Yeah. All of them. All of them. That other woman. I think it's all important. I think it's all important. Hear, hear. Hear, hear. All right.
We don't have to get into it. But yeah, like Hulu. Hulu tried. Yeah. Tried to throw the hat in the ring, but I feel like Netflix is just so big. The problem with, number one, Netflix is really smart in the sense that they're a digitally native app on every smart TV in the world. I know. You go to any hotel. It's so easy to log in. Yeah. Use your phone. Not a big deal. You get in.
The user experience is better. It's a tech platform. It's just better. It is. It is just better. The interface is almost like a kid could use it. It's easy. It's easy, and you're like, okay. Do they make the best content always? No. No. In fact, a lot of the original content there that is made could be a lot better. They've had big hits, Stranger Things, House of Cards, Wednesday. A lot of the things that have been hits, like Ozark, they've bought. Oh.
Oh, I thought they made Ozark. No, Bateman and Adam Proud. They made a full season. There was a bidding war between HBO, Netflix, and I forget the third person. How about that? How about Mindhunter? They discontinued that. I thought that was great. That was a great show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. You know, I mean, just a lot of, a lot, some of it doesn't hit some of it. Maybe they don't give, give, maybe it's a lot of it is so numbers based over there that I think sometimes they might not give something a chance to.
Yeah. It's so data oriented. It's so bad for entertainment. Bad for art. Yeah. Yes. But also good for art and great. And I'm grateful for it. No, but it is. No, but at the end of the day, it's like, I think part of the issue now is like, there's so much data that you get in real time as a, that a lot of people go, well, you know,
Now, look at shows like Severance that are making huge... They've been out for a long time. Now they're getting super popular. So I think that you got to get people rediscovering shows now. Now you're up against... If you put a show out now, you're up against every show ever made. There's people that haven't seen The Sopranos, literally. That's true. There's people that haven't seen any of these shows. There's people that are watching old episodes of ER because they like to show the pit and they want to find out what it... Right. So...
Now it's just this crazy catalog and library of everything ever made that people are watching. And the algo is so different now. Like Val Kilmer died and Heat went to number one. Right. Heat went to number one because he's in it. That's right. It's so weird to like that's how you got your Heat to be number one. That's right. Fascinating. Yeah. It's a weird time for entertainment. You are against everything ever made. You're up against so many things. I mean think about even on the road now when you're like who else is in town? Yeah.
Lady Gaga. Yeah. You know, you're in Vegas. You're like, yeah, I'm against fucking everyone. I'm against the severe. Dude, I used to bomb it at Funny Bowl and they were like, the Strawberry Fest is in town. Like, they would throw everything at me. The Ice Capades are a town. The lacrosse team has a game. You're like, I can't beat the lacrosse team. Exactly. I heard it all. Yeah. Muppets on ice, whatever. Yeah, no, it's a lot. Yeah. Too much out there now. I know. My fucking agent keeps putting me in these big rooms in these tiny towns. I'm like, fuck.
Put me in a small room. Let me sell maybe a two. Don't throw me in the fucking auditorium in Asheville, North Carolina. Throw me in the orange peel. I get a lot of like, I'll be like,
And there's like also you've got to keep track of like there's been like flooding and stuff. Yeah. You've got to watch out for like. Fires. Am I like heartlessly marketing something in an area where people's lives are completely ruined? That's a good point. A recession, flooding, someone's family's underwater. Just come to the show. Just swim here. How about the devastation of the tornado? I'm like, what? On their Friday. What do you mean? Before it was like Taylor Swift in town. Now it's like, oh, we had a school shooting yesterday. Yeah. Like, oh, fuck.
That's right. That was fun. People... What's this? Well, I stood in front of someone's house that burned down and took a nice photo. That's a fun bit. I like that he does the cool guy pose to this shit. Yeah, of course. Well, it's LA. You got to be, you know... You got to be hip. You got to be hip. And people get it. Go through a few of those there. There's some good photos there of how bad it is there. It'll never be the same. It's completely dead and over.
And it's sad, but you'll never have. You think L.A. is not coming back? No, I don't know about L.A., but look at Malibu, dude. I mean, look at this. It's awful. Yeah. I mean, dude, you're years and years away from that ever looking anything like it did. Yeah. And that whole stretch of the PCH, it's really fucking sad. The amount of toxic shit floating in the water and the amount. It's just really unfortunate. Yeah.
It was a clip that went viral of Rogan and he was just like, he's going on and on about this. Right when all the fires happened, he was like, it's going to be like, there's going to be a fire and no one's going to be able to contain it. And he's going on for like a minute and it's going to wipe out the whole city. And then it just cuts to my face. I'm like, what?
And it just went viral. Hilarious. It's like, Jesus. And then you put the dates on the end of that. Tulsa. Go see me in Asheville. Wow. I mean, there's still cars there. It's so crazy. Awful. It's awful. L.A. will be fine, but this is a tough thing. Yeah, yeah. Well, luckily they'll get all their money and insurance back. You'll get some. That'll save them.
Do you like being in New York right now? Yeah, I love LA too, though. I like them both. You know, I like New York as a place when you're touring. I like spending the summer here, but I also like like when you're touring, it's really great to tour from here.
It's very hard to tour from L.A. You lose three hours. But I do like L.A. a lot. I love the comedy store. I love the improv. I like the lifestyle. I like the weather. It's all good. Dude, California is amazing. It's a great place. It gets so much shit. I'm about to do a run there, and I'm like, I'm pumped for a West Coast. It's great. Yeah, it's great. I just did Napa, and I drove to Santa Barbara. The drive was unbelievable. It's like, I feel like you're in Hawaii. We talked the whole drive.
Oh, that's right. Yeah. Stunning. The mountains. But it's down bad. Yeah. Well, the COVID, the strike, and the fire. You had a big three-punch knockout. I think it's in a good position to come up because if you look at the real estate prices in Florida and Texas, they're going down. And New York and Cali are steady. And they're going up a little bit because people tried Florida and Texas and they went, oh, we get it.
Or a lot of foreign money is now going, yeah, we're not investing in these cities. It was clearly a pandemic frenzy to go to places like Austin and Miami. Overreaction. Overreaction. Overcorrection. And now people are going, okay-
People are going, they're leaving. They're going to a real city. They're leaving because number one, the rents have skyrocketed. So younger people are going, all right, I'm not going to do this. Right. Yeah. And then a lot of people, there's other costs, right? You move to Texas, you go, I saved all this money on income tax. Well, your property tax is really high. Oh, you're paying a lot of property tax. Now there's traffic. Now there's homeless. Now there's things that you didn't, you're creating the same condition from the place that you left. Right.
in a smaller place. Austin's much smaller. LA's huge. So like, are there problems that are, are there nightmare areas? Yeah. Then there's also areas that are not. Sure. So I think with, and Florida's like all fun and games until you realize every restaurant closes at 8 p.m. and everyone's 100. And there's a hurricane on the way. And there's a hurricane. And then everyone goes, oh, and I love Florida, but you gotta really pick your spots. Oh yeah. You gotta really pick your spots. There's something special about Florida for comedy though. It's amazing. I, I,
I think I'm going to shoot my next special in Tampa just because they don't groan at anything. No. It's a good comedy. You could take someone from Tampa on the stage and kill them in front of the audience and the audience would enjoy it. They would love it. They would love it. They would not care. But then you're like, I love Tampa. It's great, but then you're eating dinner in a restaurant called Crabby Bill's.
And it looks like a pirate ship. And you're going, could I do, am I going to live? This is the best they have. Am I doing this? Yeah. That's the problem. That's a good point. And the waitress comes over and she's got like prison tats on her neck.
And you go, is this why I work hard to be part of this? And then they go, there's celebrities in this town. You go, oh, who? They go, Hulk Hogan, Carole Baskin. It's all wrestlers. It's wrestlers and then people from documentaries that have been accused of murder. And Scientology. Right. In Clearwater. But it's great. You get in that gulf, that water. It's amazing. Sidesplitters, one of the greatest clubs in the world. Great, great club. To me, I feel Sidesplitters may...
it's one of those clubs I think about that to me is comedy driving into that strip mall during a monsoon and then just like sneaking around the building and going in the back and then having this amazing set and then having your opener go to Chili's and get you a triple dipper and then bring it back. Yeah. That to me is what it is. It's one of the only, it's a great club. It's one of the only clubs that audience offends me. Right. They'll say stuff to me and I'm like, geez, you're canceled. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's fun. They love life down there. Like, you see the audience. They love life. And it's a woman with two guys next to her. And you're like, well, what's going on here? And they're like, we're all fucking. And you're like, oh, all right. That's very Florida. No, they have orgies down there. But it's anyone can kind of get involved. Yes. It's like retired doctors and, like, hookers. And then also, like, people that work at this local steakhouse. Like, it's like Epstein's Island from Mongoloids. Ha, ha, ha.
Just total monsters. And there's something beautiful about it. But instead of 14-year-olds, it's like 68-year-old women who make tits. There's 71. Yeah, leather skin, but they're still good. But it's a great place. There's no better place to give up.
Oh, yeah. That is the place. And then Key West is like the jizz puddle that Florida shot out because they're even more detached. Oh, they're out of it. Oh, it's fun, man. It's just dark. There's a darkness there. Oh, yeah. It's adults and bugs. It's like people that are trying to get away from stuff. Yeah. People that have run away from stuff. Yeah. You know?
I always say it's like New Orleans fucked a red lobster because they got wild drinking, but they're also beachy and fun. They're fun people. Sunburned. Yes. A nice red burn. Yeah, and they've seen it all. They're all like, you know, you talk to a cop and you can't- That's how the people are. Yeah. No, they're awesome. They're all molested or molested. And they're friendly. You'll go to a CVS and you'll ask-
You'll be on the phone talking to somebody. They'll overhear you and give you a recommendation. They'll go, actually, what you should do. Yes. And you're like, oh, you guys are so friendly here. And in New York, you can literally look at a cashier at a CVS and directly ask them a question. They will turn away. That's true. They'll go, do you have headphones? And you're like, all right, well...
So there's a friendliness there because people just live. Yeah, there's no boundaries there. I kind of like the rudeness of New Yorkers. I was walking with Attell the other day and we just walked into a CVS. And the woman was taking forever, so we just walked in front of her and she goes, oh, fuck you two. And I was like, ah, we just laughed. It's kind of fun. Of course. Yeah. Well, that's the thing. In L.A., people are very passive aggressive. Yeah.
And they just insult you in kind of a different way. And it's just like, no one will ever say fuck you in L.A. No, no. They'll never hear that in L.A., but it'll just be some version of that. It's a version of fuck you. Like, you bring your girlfriend or your wife to a show, and the comment's like, hey, what's up? And you're like, this is my wife. And they're like...
So you're working on that screenplay? Like, they don't even acknowledge her because she's not in the business. Right. Or they'll go like this. They drop the word doing. They drop an octave. Like, they go like this. Ready? They go...
How are you doing? Like, it's a way to just say, like, how are you doing? Are you? I'm worried about you. How are you doing? Yeah. How are you? Interesting. How are you doing? You okay? Yeah. You okay? It keeps getting worse. It's like so. You're going to kill yourself? It's so patronizing. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. You hear that, Whitney? Yeah. I'm asking you that. How are you doing?
Yeah, she said she's moving to Texas, but I don't believe it. Is she? I think the moving to Texas is over. Really? This is Mike. You putting your foot down was, I think, a big part of that probably. No, it wasn't. Well, maybe it was, but I just think it was. Listen, here's the deal. One person being like no is helpful. I think it's, listen, at the end of the day, Joe is the best. The club is the best. I love Shane. I love Tony. I love everyone. Here's the problem. Uh-oh, unknown caller. The new year.
The city of Austin, Texas, let's be very honest, is dangerous. The homeless there are more aggressive than I've ever seen them in New York. There's pockets of it that really do look San Fran-like. Yeah.
It's not good. Yeah. Like as a metropolis, it's bad. It's pretty small. It's small. It's brown. There's no grass. It's not green. It turns brown. For four months out of the year, it's over 100 degrees. The lake is vomit colored and there are brain eating amoebas that can swim up your nose and kill you within 48 hours. It's rare, but it happens. Wow. In Austin, Texas. Yeah. In all the hot lake states when you get in the lake and go, ooh, this is nice and hot. Instead of a glacial lake.
Wow. Eat the brain. You know, listen, as a city, it's just you cannot compare it...
sorry to New York or Los Angeles. Can't be compared. Nice to hear that. Can't be compared. I mean, that's not news to anyone, right? Not to us. Don't say that in the green room with a mothership. They'll stab you. Well, I feel like people were moving there in Biden's America. Now it's Trump's America and all of America is kind of like Austin. I think the politics of New York and L.A. are insane. I don't agree with any of the people that run anything. I'm just talking about the city.
Right. I think that I don't, I don't, I don't, I would love if they elected Republican governor in California. I'd love it. I'm just talking about, let's be very honest about the actual city. Suburbs are nice. The people are cool. I love Texas. I love Dallas. Yeah. I like Houston. Yeah. I,
I like San Antonio better. Like the actual city of Austin is four blocks. And one of them is just 20 person brawls, like melees that they're broken up by horses. Like, and so I don't even know what we're talking about.
It's fun to visit. Pop in for the weekend, pop out. Yeah, I agree. But also, all these towns you go to, they have to tell you how great it is, which is like a person who posts their wedding photo every day, and you're like, you guys are going to break up. The great thing about New York, everyone shits on it.
If you go to New York, it sucks. Yes. Even the people that love it go, you have no idea. Right. You have no idea how much it sucks. I'll tell you why it sucks. That's because we love it. Because we love it. My wife's a fucking whore. You ever going to leave her? Of course not. Exactly. I love whores. Right. But you don't have to...
blow New York every day because it's already great. And look, it's got its problems too. The part of living here is being in a constant state of irritation because minute to minute, there's more frustration in New York. There's more stimulation. You're going to get bumped by a crazy person more often. There's more people on each block. There's less space. You're navigating. You're going to be more frustrated here, but at the end of the day, you're still like, good place to live.
Part of the thing you lost it to is just the worst of the right and the worst of the left. Like, everyone's either like a proud boy who's like ready to get in a brawl or it's like a non-binary blue-haired dreadlocked gremlin. They push each other to further length. You're like, what is it? Is there any normal human? Is there like a person? Right.
People are like college kids or, you know, tourists. That's a good point. Interesting. Yeah. No, I think they push each other so much that they end up like circling around and becoming the same thing. Yeah. It's just like a weird... Well, the problem with New York and L.A., they're so different. Like, New York is like a family that's constantly yelling at each other. Like, shut the fuck up. You're like, Jesus Christ, my family's dysfunctional. Then you go to L.A. and no one talks. That's like a family that never speaks. Right. And you're like...
So which one is better? That's why it's good. You do both. Yeah. You go back and forth. Cause you, in LA it is lonely and weird. Yes. Soulless and vapid and strange and cold and isolating. And you know, you, it really is a hard place and you know, it's, you know, it's, it's, there's, but it's, it,
There's a weird seductiveness to it because like it is pretty and it smells nice. It's got honeysuckle and jazz. Yeah. It's like weirdly mysterious. And you keep thinking it's going to get better and it never does. You keep having this vision of the life you'd like to live there. If you had the right friends, we're in a good relationship. Or if you had all the things that like I'm like, well, if I had a more type show and I had 10 writers, we all went in and hung out every day. Yeah. Yeah.
the perfect version of that it could be like that for you at some point well who knows but it never happens never happens and then you're always like on a on a canyon alone thinking of killing yourself and then you had you got to come back here and have like a bowl of pasta and there's a community i think there's more community in the comedy new york yes well there's more hanging out too that's also like there's young comics there's older con in la it's very which i kind of like about a little bit is like it's just very you'd go you do your work and you leave there's something nice about
That's true. Because New York, as you get older, the hanging out all the time. Yes, yes. You don't have to hang out. No, you don't. You could just go in and leave. But you can't. But the culture of it is, I get it. But there's something nice about, you're in your car and you do a bit and you get in your car and you're alone and that loneliness can actually add to what you're doing.
Oh, yeah. You go, no one's in my head except me. Right. And I think some of those things are, can be good. But you're also like a guy who I feel like your mind doesn't shut off and you're very in your head. So that might actually be a bonus for you to just be like, okay, like ideas, jokes, shit like that, you know? Yeah, yeah. It's sometimes it's good to just take a walk around like a, you know, an area and just like, you know, but then you also got to realize the holidays are so bad there because there's no soulful. Ooh, yeah.
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your first $5 lineup. That's drunks to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game! Yeah. All the stuff that I just said bad about Austin, and I'll continue to, there is more of a soul in Texas than there is in California. That's true. California is soul. Texas has a soul. And California doesn't have a soul. No offense to anyone who lives there, but you don't have a soul. Not everyone needs a soul. There's actually nothing wrong with not having a soul.
I would say L.A. has no soul. I think other parts of California have some soul. I think San Fran in the 90s had a lot of soul. I think you go to San Diego that feels like San Diego has some family value shit going on. There's something just off. There's something off.
Every film noir takes place in L.A. Yeah. It's about, you know, disappointment and broken people. Yes. And someone and some hot dame fucking you over. The Mexicans have souls. There you go. Let's just say that. Coco. The Mexicans have souls. Yes. Sounds like a Christmas album. Tucker Carlson. Yeah.
At Tim and Tucker Christmas, the Mexicans have souls. But the problem is they'll be leaving soon. So there goes the soul, folks. Solo. So long. Look at those else elves. Tim, how is your life different when you're like... What's that movie? Oh, it's the human centipede. Sorry. What's your routine different day to day in LA to New York?
I mean, I just walk around more here and get, you know, you go to coffee with people and kind of like see people and you just, you just, you know, like you see people and you just talk more with people. And LA is just kind of like, you got to make plans with people because everyone lives far away. So you got to go, all right, I'll do this with you on this day. And then that's the whole day.
And then, you know, but what I loved is like when Malibu wasn't fucked, you'd go, you'd swim in the ocean, you'd take a walk on the beach, you'd go back, you'd do spots, you'd sleep really well, you'd get up the next day. It was like a good... You felt healthier? You felt, well, I don't know about healthier, but you feel like...
you're in an area where you can like... Quality of life. Yeah, quality of life. You could do some cool stuff. Like New York comics come in, you go, we'll go to the beach, we'll go get sushi, and we'll do a bunch of spots. And it's a full day. That's nice. It's a nice day. But now that we don't have that because Malibu's on fire...
Then it's harder. Yeah. Then it's harder. It's kind of shitty. But New York is more spontaneous. You just walk around and get into shit. Now, this is a dumb news-style question, but do you think L.A. is going to be hit with these fires? The regulations might slow down. Maybe they'll take a hint and change a little? Because you can't do anything there. The rules are out of control. Bill Maher's got to build a pool for 30 years. I think they might. Are they going to rewrite the ship? Yeah.
And save LA or is it fucked to hell and back? I mean, I'll just say this. Every time something happens, people go, this is the thing. Right. And then it's never really the thing. So I don't know if...
The reason LA is able to run is because you have like this economy in Northern California that's like $8 trillion because it's all the big tech companies. And they kind of run it off that. Like the way that California is able to run, they run it off this really consolidated...
huge bundle of money but what if they leave northern california they're not gonna leave all right because they got to recruit out of stanford that's one of the reasons austin didn't work you can't recruit out of rice university in houston do it a little bit yeah you need stanford yeah that's the thing it's like people talk about oh is this thing gonna be the new hollywood you go no hollywood's dead forever right but the hollywood you can't just make a thing what you want it to be in a week you can't just know miami's the new wall street you can't
do that. No. You know what I mean? It just doesn't work like that. Areas have cultures that develop for very long periods of time. And there's a lot of reasons that
Like, for example, people go, why is Palm Springs a thing? You go, well, it was 99 miles away from Paramount. And there was a clause in everybody's contract that while we're editing the movie, you can't be more than 200 miles away. So everybody drove 99 miles and found this beautiful desert and said, we're going to make it a hot place. I didn't know that. There's a reason that everything's everything. Nothing's an accident. Yeah. Everything's developed in a certain way where you go, you go, oh, well, we'll just move all the tech things somewhere else. You go, yeah, but the literal Ivy League school that has the biggest...
all of these tech guys are coming out of is Stanford. Right. So you can't, you know, that's one of the reasons that Stanford, Stanford and the Bay Area is the Bay Area. Right. Like it's not just an act, you know? So I think that like, that's the difficulty about,
I completely agree you can't take Hollywood and go, it's going to be in Houston now. That's never going to work. But I do think you can start a new thing that could become like Edison, New Jersey is where a movie started, Thomas Edison, with the film reel. He had all these rules. Everybody said, fuck this. Let's go to California. There's more daylight. There's cheap land. Right. And then they started Hollywood, and that's how Hollywood started. All these Jews, writers, all that shit got together. Edison is dead. Now it's all Indian. Well, also, how many movies are being filmed in India? Hold on. Well.
Wait, what was that? I followed that right up to the end. You said it's all India? Indians. Oh, Indians. Edison is now Indian. Oh, it's Indians. Yeah. I thought you meant they run Hollywood. I didn't know what... No, no, no. The Jews run Hollywood. Indians have taken over Hollywood. I go, wait, what happened? No, no, no. The Jews... Have you seen The Searchers? Indians have taken over Edison. It's the funniest racism to be like, these fucking Indians in Hollywood. I can't get anywhere with these guys. They took the cabs and the bodegas. I'll give them that. But...
Not in Edison. Hollywood. How many movies can afford to shoot in California? None. They made a big mistake. That's a big problem. They destroyed their whole state. It's hard to shoot a movie in New York, too. I mean, look how expensive it is. They go to Toronto, Atlanta, New Orleans. Hoboken. They never should have let any productions leave because that, to me, once you let them all leave and people go, oh, shit, we don't have to live here, then fucking nobody's who's going to live there.
They literally said, I think Ben Affleck just came out on a rant and said it's cheaper to ship the crew to Ireland and shoot there than to go across the Radford. Look how they did the Brutalist. They shot it all in Europe. Oh, really? Yeah, none of that was in America. LA just becomes a vassal state of China. They're buying all the big real estate now, truly. 75% of people buying high-end real estate in Los Angeles are Chinese nationals.
So if you're selling a property over $10 million, at least 50% of them right now are being bought by foreign money and heavily Chinese. Well, that's a wrap. A couple of Saudis, a couple of this, a couple of that. But it's no longer a play. The head of the studio isn't living there anymore. It's the Chinese amusement park. Where are they living now?
They're, you know, they maybe are splitting time. They're, you know, some of them, a lot of them are still there, but they've downsized there. Some of them, you know, have gone somewhere else, you know? Yeah. I heard it's all Indian. No, it's a lot of Indians. Yeah. God, this is wild. There's not enough American money to, just like New York, there's not enough American money to run these cities.
Really? That's terrifying. No. They're global. You take farm money out of the city, the real estate values will crash 40%. Wow. Yeah. 50% easily. Easily. How did we do it before in the 50s?
Well, in the 50s, you weren't... Number one, you didn't have $200 million apartment. And also, people could afford homes back then. You could have a regular job. And they should go back to that. Look at CEO pay. It wasn't like a million times what a worker made. Like, there was more of a value...
But now you have and also in the 50s, all the countries, they didn't have billionaires in those countries. Right. Like you didn't have like now you have India's coming up. China's there. Oh, yeah. Russia has tons of wealth. You know, Brazil, all these emerging market, whatever. Forget the Middle East. Right. I mean, Dubai, Qatar, all these. Yeah. They all have the money now to come in here and buy tons and tons of real estate. And without them.
You know, the average condo price in Manhattan, I think, is $2.3 million, which is way higher than it should be. Without farm money, that falls to probably about a million bucks, which is still a lot of fucking money. But isn't that good?
Then we can pay less. Well, listen, it is good in certain ways. No one has a house anymore. No, I agree with you. And I think it might be good. But if you're invested, if you're 401k, it will not be good for that because all of you have a place in all of your investments, even if you're a teacher, are tied into these big companies like BlackRock.
And that's why that this is why they do it like this. So they get everybody integrated. So they go, sure. You want to fucking do this? We'll pull the plug and everybody loses. Right. All your 401ks are indexed to these stocks. These stocks are based on what do you think all these all these private equity companies are doing? Right. So all of these companies tumble because the prices of things tumble.
I mean it becomes a problem Yikes So it's a big scam Yeah But I think if you unwind it now It could be ugly Right Interesting It's bad but Undone it could be worse That It might be Well you know It's a big club And you ain't in it Yeah Or we're all in it That's really That's actually the worst thing Yeah We're all to some degree in it Oh It's so funny When people get offended by And then we're living in this Hellscape of like Chinese money Yeah Yikes
I gotta ask you this because Chrissy told this story about Emma Stone and you on the podcast does she hate you? I don't know if she hates me but she didn't like me because of like an incident in like a sushi place in Sushi Park no it's not you're not gonna find it
Trigger finger But no She didn't like Whatever Like she was in a sushi place That we both liked going to And there was like We didn't know Whose table it was Or whatever And she didn't like There's a couple looks Being thrown What? Comments You know It's okay Interesting You know Yeah I heard Bill Burr Somebody goes You want to meet Obama? He goes No I don't want to meet Obama
You don't like Obama? He's like, no, I just want to be able to make fun of him. Right. If I meet him, I can't shit on him. I didn't want to go to the inauguration because I want to be able to say whatever I want. Exactly. And if I go, then I feel weird about saying it. Maybe. That makes sense. I think that's the move as a comedian. Yeah. Are there any people who have reached out who you trashed on your podcast where you're like, I feel a little bad I shit on them? No.
No. Some people like it. No one really reached, no one reaches out. And they're usually, usually it's big figures that are not, like people like Meghan Markle don't care. That's why she succeeds. She doesn't care. She knows. She leans in. Yes. And that's why it works. Yes. Is it work? I feel like, I guess she's just failing upward. I feel like everything she does seems like it doesn't work. Right now, I think part of it is,
it is just being famous whether you're liked or hated. Right. I don't know if it matters if people like you or hate you. That's true. It's like, obviously you don't want to be hated, I guess. Some people don't want to, but I don't think she really cares. She doesn't seem to care. Yeah, my neighbors in Brooklyn are British and they're like, we fucking hate Meghan Markle. She ruined the royal family. Yeah.
We hate her show too We just finished it Right So like they Watch the show Because they hate her No you gotta hate Watch the show Remember the Stern thing Yes How long do you listen Yeah The person who Likes you Yeah they listen more People don't like you Listen more So I think That's the move You know Yikes And Meghan Markle She doesn't know What a
She doesn't care. Somebody showed her a clip of me probably, and she goes, who cares? Yeah. Fat idiots. I just scammed the prince. Exactly. I just conned the royal family. What do I care? I wonder what that behind closed doors is like. Oh, it can't be pretty. She knew what she was doing, I think, and I think it was actually smart. She was like, fuck this. She goes, fuck this. Well, she knew it. Didn't he court her? He saw her on TV and was like, I want her. I guess. No, there's no way. I mean...
That's what I heard, but I think she did the back work. By the way, that is a fucking cool level of success. You're like her. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, for sure. But I think what was great about her, she's like, I'm so into it. Like in the beginning, she was so into it. You watch that documentary? I did. She was so into it in the beginning. She's like doing the appearances and everything like that. The deal with the British royal family is the people pay for their lifestyles.
So the people pay their taxes, allow these people to live like, like Disney characters. Yeah. And, and it's a strange tradition, but the payment for that is that they, you, they get to know everything about your life, meaning like it's the ultimate reality show to them. They don't have the Kardashians. They have the Royal family. Right. So they, so these, these women in like,
Putney or whatever, these little places, you know, what's Kate's cancer? What cancer does she have? And they're into it because that's their entertainment. Yes. And then Meghan Markle came in and goes, what do you mean you want a picture of my kid? And you go...
It's our kid. Right. We pay for this, all of this shit, and you people belong to us. Whoa. And she didn't... She had to know that. You can't not know that going in. So Princess Di in a car crash was like, that's a ratings bonanza for them. It was the season finale. Oh!
That is the season finale of ER. It's Julianna Margulies and Clooney. Will they, won't they? Yeah, that's just like, hey, we eliminated a character. We had to write you off. It's big. But that's the game over there. It's like they don't, they're obsessed with those people. Obsessed. Princess Beatrice. These people look like they got hit in the mouth with a golf club.
I know, but it's like the wire. You're like, who's that character again? None of them are hot. It doesn't matter. They're just royals, and they're upset because it's, by the way, if you take away the royal family over there, what do you have? That's the question. Like, here's the thing about America. If you take away the president, yeah, if you take away the president in America, you can't. Even though, like, let's say the country would still kind of run, I mean, Jesus. I'm eating here. Jesus Christ.
Well, at least our celebrities are attractive. But by the way, it's inbred. It's inbreeding. Yeah, of course. Look at that. Look at the blog on that. Hot bless. That would be a toothy BJ right there. That's a tough one. Yeah, there goes Big Ben. Holy hell. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.
Wow. Pio Mai. Somebody get a carrot. It's like we're obsessed with the president. Everyone writes about the president. They're obsessed with these people. Sure, sure. They love it. At least Trump is saying crazy shit. You're like, did you hear what Trump said? That was crazy. But these people, they're so boring. They're boring. They're incredibly boring until they start cheating on each other or killing each other.
Well, the only interesting story is the one they won't talk about, which is Prince Andrew. You know? Prince Andrew. They keep him nice and locked up. Yeah. Yeah. Well, we watched The Crown. That was interesting. That was a good show. Good show. First couple of seasons, at least, were pretty good. Yeah. I don't know. There's a... Yeah. Lithgow was a good Churchill. Yeah. Yeah, he's great. He's great. But yeah, you're right. That is their reality show, and it's literal reality. That's what it is. And...
It's perfect. Harry is the fuck up. Yeah. You know, he goes and marries the black chick. He moves away. And then the other guy went bald, but his wife is a class act. It's like you were saying. It was like 90s racism, but they were holding on to that shit. That's right. But it probably wasn't even that bad. It was probably like very polite racism. Well, did you hear what she said? The most racist thing she's ever heard? What? Uh.
someone in the family said, oh, he's so pink and you're light brown. I wonder what color the baby will be. And she was like, this is the most racist thing I've ever heard. Sure, I mean, listen, maybe it was the way they said it was indelicate, but it was probably not. It was minor curiosity. Proper accent. Of course. What color do you think it would be? It also sucks to be described as light pink.
He's large. That's kind of rough, too. You're a bit duskier. What do you think's coming out of your love? Well, Chris Rock had that great bit. He's like, that ain't racist. Black people do that to black people. Like, oh, I hope he's not too dark. He did it better. I like her. I like her now. I think she's won me over.
Really? Wow. She's got the cupcake show now. Well, she's not only that. To me, the best thing in the world is somebody goes, oh, you hate me? Good. You'll really hate this. Like that to me, I go, because by the way, it gives you nowhere to go. She's a heel. Yeah, there's nowhere to go now. Right. Interesting. How long do you think people are going to care about her? She'll milk this for a few years. She'll keep working. And then she's going to have to throw him out.
or he's going to have to throw her away, or they're going to have to go back to the UK. I predict they're going back to the UK. Oh, 100%. They're going back. Yeah, that'll be the whole thing. I predict they're going back to the UK. It's going to be a whole thing. It's season three. Yes. It's season three. A lot of pearl clenching. The family's going to go, I never.
It's season three. Charles is going to croak. Yep. He's going to come back right before the dad croaks. He's going to have a deathbed, make peace with his father. His father's going to go, I also had many... I also dated blacks. Yes, they were brown. He's going to go. I'm fit. And then they're going to be back and...
The brothers are going to be reunited, and it's back. And then everybody in Britain is like, let's watch it. Take that to the bank. And you know what? She's going to black it up. She's going to walk in there with a boombox on her shoulder. The lady's black. Yes. Purple sweatsuit, boombox. Breakdancing into the castle. 1,000%. Good writing. In living color black. Yeah. Gold teeth, girl, big sneakers, shooting up the place. It's going to be great.
Dapping up Trump. Grape drink. You name it. Yeah. Well, that's good. I think you just sold season five of the Royal Queefs. If they're listening, they're like, that's the move. Season six is all Indians. And it will just all be Indians. All England is Indian. These fucking Indians are running this script room. A lot of Indians in England.
Yes. Good Indian food. Great curry over there. Shish Mahal, a block from the Stan Comedy Club in Glasgow, Scotland. Maybe the best I've ever... Oh, really? You've got to hit us with some food recs. By the way, you gave us a food rec in one place. Was it good? It was good, and you're one of the only people Vitor will let even wait. Oh, yeah. You've earned his respect as a food... He's a snobby cunt. Yeah. You've earned his respect as a food.
Where was it? Do you remember? I forgot. It was a seafood place somewhere. Interesting. But you... Chicago? No, I have a spot in Chicago. I go to Shaw's Crab House in Chicago. That's my go-to there. Yeah, yeah. But Stefano and I got fucking lit up last time we were there and ended up... He books us on a boat. We had like five martinis each. And he's like... We have his...
one of his kids with him and his girlfriend and he's like I got us a boat tour and I'm like ah that'll be nice we'll get hammered we'll talk it's with a guide so we just have to sit there quietly as a guide like and here's this and we're just like we're just like cool oh you can tell them to shut up here's a bunch of money we don't care that's true push them over like a Robert Wagner but uh now you've earned give us some give us some food spots New York LA where should we go oh I don't know anymore uh
It's got to be a steakhouse. Texas is a great place in an alley. There's a junkie who's got really good – but this is the type of fentanyl where you're not dead. It's just you get real warm inside. Yeah.
No, I don't really know. I've kind of retired from giving recs because then I'll go to a place and I'll be like, I'll be unhappy with it. And I just, you know, you got to figure it out on your own. I don't want to give people any advertising. These people do it. Fair enough, fair enough. I think the Italians...
Are there too many Italians on social media? I think people waiting four months to eat spicy rigatoni is stupid. I think this glorification of chicken parmesan is retarded. I agree. For guys who grew up in New York, it's a little embarrassing. I'm a little embarrassed for all these people. But I get it. If you come here from Ohio, you think it's a big deal to eat spicy rigatoni.
It's like my friend's mother will make you spicy rigatoni. You know what I mean? She'll tell you the earth is flat and defend January 6th. But that's part of the dish. But the food is good. I don't know. The food direction the city is going in, I actually don't like. Oh, interesting. I don't like restaurants like the corner store where they're like, hey, what about Totino's pizza rolls except they're $70 because we've got – I hate all this shit. It's all nightclubs. It's all gross. I remember when you used to eat in a restaurant –
And it was like you dress in a suit and the chef was from France and he hated you, but he made great food. I love that you're like dressed in a suit. You look like you're Sandler right now going to a pickup game. Because I'm not being pressured to act a certain way. Right. We had lunch at Luger's. It was horrible. Just now? It was bad? I never loved it.
I thought it was Luger's. No. By the way, he's my buddy there. Oh, I love Luger's. I like Luger's too, but I'll tell you right now, the steak we had, it's not where it was. Interesting. It's not where it was, dude. That was like our childhood. That was like- I know. I loved it. There was one on Long Island, but it's just not where it was. I had it recently. It was good. I-
Do you ever go to Strip House? Strip House is good. That's a good place. There's a bunch. Strip House, they have our whiskey too there. Don Angie is really good in the village. Don Angie is very good. Don Angie is great in the village. Don Angie is great. Where's that? It's by the cellar. It's near 6th Avenue. Oh, I should have known that. Don Angie is good.
Don Angie's killing it. What do you know about this Red Hook burger? It's the best. I'm friends with the guy who owns it. That's better than the city. Me, Schultz, and Bethany Frankel had it. He has a place called Sag Harbor Tavern. Bethany Frankel ate? Yeah. She eats all the time. I'm dying to go. Pull that up, Sally. How do you know about Fort Charles or Minetta Burgers? Fine. Just fine? Oh, I love the Minetta Burger. The Minetta Burger's great. It's a burger with sauteed onions on a bun. I'll come for you. I'll do it in my apartment for you.
It's good. It's not bad. Yeah, yeah. It's not bad. Their chocolate souffle was great. It used to be. This burger's on a wait list. You got to wait nine years to get this burger. This guy has created the best burger in the world. Wow. He knows all about Texas barbecue. Should we do an ep there? We got to go there. Let's do it. He's great. It's legendary. Sag Harbor Tavern is easier to get into in out east in the Hamptons. Wow.
You guys should come out one day. We'll all go. I'd love to. Do an episode from there. Hang out, swim in the pool, do whatever. But he kills it, this guy. I love this guy. What's so great about it? What's the difference? The burger sits on an onion. Okay. So the juice from the burger cooks the onion, but it doesn't make the bun soggy. Whoa! It's science. It's science. Yeah.
I've heard this is whenever you see it sits on a raw onion. Yeah. Puts the burger in a raw onion, but the onion itself starts to get cooked by the burger. So it's like a half cooked onion. Interesting. And the bun doesn't get all fucked up. And then the cheese is perfect. And then I got to be honest. I love ketchup. I don't even use ketchup with it. Yeah.
It's the best thing I've ever had in my life. It's one of the best things I've ever had in my life. Wow, this is a big endorse. We should figure it out. We got to go. He deserves it. He's a good person. He's a great guy. And, you know, he's created a thing that's really made our city better. This is way better than the cronut. People, I'm just running for city council. Like, we want you to talk about education.
What, Mayor Adams? Is he out? By the way, I knew it'd come out of him. He was like, I don't want to give any an advertisement. Yeah, but now, no, this is... I had to bring it up. Because you know what it is? I'll do something and then I'll be like, oh, then I'll go... I did it recently. I told someone, I said something, oh, that place is great. Then I went and they go, oh, it sucks.
This is the best burger in the city. Okay. Best burger in the United States of America right now. Wow. Yeah. Let's go the other way. Do you guys have any peeves? Anything's pissing you off lately? I got a ton of peeves. Pull them up. I wrote some down. Let me give you a couple of peeves. Peeve. I wrote some down so I don't forget. I had one today that just annoyed me. It's not really a peeve, but it was a specific thing. I'm trying to garden. Yeah.
yeah i got a bunch of really i went to a plant nursery that's nice well my in my neighborhood is getting a little high end so they're all looking at my house like hey you're the white trash douche on the block like you got to step it up right and it's all these like rich parents and shit so i went to the nursery i picked out a bunch of shit it cost me eight million dollars i lugged it all back to the house and i'm in the dirt with a fucking spoon trying to put some plants in and this old guy walks by and he goes what are you doing and i'm like
I'm trying to spruce up the front lawn area. And he's like, you're doing it all wrong. You got a crack in your sidewalk. You got to change that. There's graffiti on your wall. And I'm like, all right, old man. Like, I'm on my knees here. I'm trying. Is that his way of trying to help? Or is he just annoying? I think he's just a dick. He's just like mansplaining me about how to garden and how my house sucks. And he's like, you got to step it up. But I'm like, I don't even know. I kind of like that he attacked her.
Because you were vulnerable, you're putting bulbs in. Yes. And then an old guy comes and just goes at you. I mean, it was bad. I was on my hands and knees with an apron on, my underwear. I can't believe you're gardening. You're like, that's like real dad shit. I know, but dad. You're becoming that like Gaffigan gardener. Are you going to plant like herbs? Yeah, I'll do it all. That's good. You get an herb. No, it's very nice. I have a terrace I have. Oh, you do?
Yeah, but I'm on the road. I always come back to it. I'm like, I don't give a shit. It's all dead when I come back. That's going to happen with me and the kid. You guys know Tracy. Morgan? Carnazzo. So she planted fruit in my house out east, and then the bugs went crazy. And then there's just bugs all over the place in the back. So don't do fruit. Okay. Because they'll go nuts, the bugs. All right, good to know. I got a good peeve.
People who put in the seltzer thing the wrong way. The seltzer thing. You know the seltzer cans? You put them in vertically instead of horizontally instead of vertically. You open it, they fucking come out. Right. This is a bad. I have two bad peeves. In the crisper? Oh, I got you. These are both bad ones. I'm sorry. I get that. I get that. I have only bad ones today. You get the avalanche. We haven't done peeves in a while.
Yeah. I wasn't prepared. I fucked up. I don't mind the Celsius. I'm a cunt. Let me grunt to get out of this to pretend I'm... Yeah, what else is a peeve? I had a couple. I had a couple. I'm nothing good. God damn it. I don't even know why I wrote these down. These aren't even good. Here's a peeve, and everyone's probably had it. If the restaurant's completely empty and they go, do you have a reservation? I get angry at that because you go, why?
You know what I mean? Like, why are you asking me if I had a reservation? Because your restaurant's empty. But my friend told me. Oh, yeah. My friend told me you worked at a restaurant. They're actually just want to cross your name off. Yeah. If you have a reservation. But I'm like, well, that's an annoying thing. It is annoying. I learned the hard way because they go, well, you got a 20-minute wait. And you're like, well, that table's open there. And they're like, yeah, asshole. There's not enough servers. I don't like that everything's key fobs now in the buildings to get anywhere. Oh.
Everything, key fob here, key fob there. There's a level of security that I think is a little unnecessary. You like a key. Well, it's not only that. It's like it's a doorman building. Like, are there people running in with knives trying to kill him? Like, what, is he going to not notice? That's true. Like, there's just something weird about, like, I don't know, the level of security that everything is. Yeah, that's annoying. I will say, when you ever check in a hotel and-
They give you a hard metal key. I do hate that. You're like, oh, this is a bad hotel. I hate that. And they think it's kitschy. Although I'll tell you, the worst one is when you check in and they give you, you're in a huge hotel for some reason, and the card keeps fucking not working. I always get, by the way, they hate me. I get a new card every time I walk in. I go, I know it's not going to work. I go, it's been next to it. I've done that. It's next to a credit card in my wallet. I go, I just redo it.
Yeah. Because I go, I'm going to get there, and then it's not going to work. Because I hate the walk. The walk back is annoying. We have all this. We have retina scan. We can't get a card to work? Like, what are we doing here? It's a fucking Hilton. Oh, speaking of hotels, no hand lotion in your room. Oh, you want to jerk it? Yes. Like, you're going to make me go down to the front desk and be like, I need to jerk off? That's a very creepy peeve, but I appreciate it. It's a very creepy peeve. Yeah, I mean, he looks the part for it, though. He's like, come on. He goes, no hand lotion in the room. And there's no kiddie porn option on the TV. Yeah.
You know what? Another problem is with the hotel, and I'm not the first guy to say this, but there's no plunger. No plunger? Sometimes you're on a hot date with a bang, with a gal, and you just shit up the toilet. It won't flush, and you're like, I got to get on my hands and knees. I was going to go one further. I want a toilet brush. I'm on the road. I might have traveler's diarrhea. Okay, well, that's ridiculous. You know what?
You want to get on your hands and knees like a maid? Give yourself a value. I might want to scrape my own diarrhea off the inside of the fucking toilet. I like that job well done. You're not living there. Just leave.
This segment has not been my strong suit. I apologize. Toilet brush? I'll get you a toilet brush for Christmas. That's your gift. All right, well, watch Tim's new special on Netflix. We love him. It's called I'm Your Mother. It's all Indians on Netflix. That's what it's called. Great.
Hey, is that John Daly? That's a shot there. Is that the Ice House? There's no dates. I have no dates on sale. I have no material. There's no dates on sale. Well, don't you hate that? You put out a special and people go, we loved it. We want to come see you. And you're like, I'm out of material. I have nothing. Yeah. I will get it. I'm doing Spanish. There's me. I'm doing Spanish. Tim Dillon shocks Spanish. Who runs this site, by the way? Follow Tim on Punch-Up. Hilaria Baldwin? What's with the Spanish?
Have you talked to Baldwin, by the way? He's great. I love him. I see him all the time at my coffee shop. He's a great man. I'm a fan. He looks a little on edge. I think the wife is really running him ragged. He's got a lot of kids. We've got Phoenix. Oh, so here's San Francisco at the Masonic. Portland. I added a late show on a Monday, so please come out. Seattle. Vancouver. Boise. Denver. And then we just added Red Bank. Boston. Irvine.
OKC. Yeah, work back up. Vegas at the Venetian. Is that the Venetian? I think, right? It was a Piazza Theater at the Venetian. OK, cool. Rochester. I like that club a lot. And then we got Chicago Theater. That's a big one. Chicago, October 4th.
going back to Salt Lake again to just get some reps in and then we got Carnegie Hall December 4th please come out that's a big deal for New York my hot take Chicago theater and people might disagree I think maybe best comedy venue in the country I don't even think that's a hot take it's great because it's big but it feels intimate and it feels like a road gig but it's the best version of the road because you're in a great city I love Chicago that's a couple hour flight away
It's great food, great walking, great chilling, and then a great show. And the crowds, I think, are some of the most amazing. Because it's like you get that city vibe, but Midwest. Midwest is really good. It's the best. I just performed for the first time ever in Des Moines, Iowa. It was one of my favorite shows. Des Moines is killer. They were fucking amazing. Midwest is great. And the Masonics is one of the best venues. I've never done it, actually, so I'm fired up, dude. It's amazing. Don't go outside. They'll kill you. Don't kill me, but get a little soda. Best Chinese food in the world. Yangtze? Yangtze?
Or any of them. I don't know him, but they're all good. Yeah. I love SF, dude. But yeah, I'm fired up, man. There we go. That hurt. That was a weak one. Yeah, that was weak. Sorry. All right.
These are Mark's dates. May 7th in Reykjavik. Going to the full UK, Reykjavik, Glasgow. I'll go to that pizza joint you mentioned. United Kingdom, London, Belfast, Birmingham, Bristol. And then back into upstate New York to get my ass kicked in Rochester at the Kodak Center. Portchester, Albany, Burlington, Monticello.
Wisconsin, Massachusetts, San Jose, Ben Salem. I'll see you at the fucking Foxwoods. And then off to Australia. So a lot of dates. The baby's dead. We're getting back on the road and we got to make some money. Also, page to stage. Check out page to stage, folks. Episode two out now on Punch-Up.
And we got Seinfeld in it, Jon Stewart, Gaffigan, Bruce Springsteen. It's a hot app. Amazing. And Sam. Oh, hell yeah. Get Bodega Cat. Yeah, bodegacatwhiskey.com, dude. We're popping up everywhere. The new article in the wine is Wine Enthusiast. Yes. That was really cool. Very nice. Check that article out. Really cool. We're in all the restaurants Tim hates. So check it out. Get a bottle. Get a glass. Get a cocktail. And yeah, Tim, you're the best. We love you, man. Thank you, guys. Thank you, Timbo. Sunday's the day for Monday.
This woman doesn't look like I remember. Be true.