Ep 233: Eric Andre
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Are we rolling, Salacuse? We're rolling. We're rolling? Yeah. Salacuse's nipples are hard. Yay. He loves when we roll. There we go. Guy always wants to roll. We should get you some Molly. Then you can roll. All right. Rick Roll. What is Rick Roll? Remember that? Like Rick Ross, his cousin.

Oh, wait. I don't know. Remember Rick Rowling? Yeah. That was like a prank or something. So you would play the Rick Astley song. You would send somebody a link, and it would play the Rick Astley song instead. How old are you, Salacuse? Never gonna give you up. Then the Rick Roll became the black guy with the dick. Remember that? No. No, that was the Buffalo Bill. Oh, yes, the Rick Roll. You get the black guy with the long dick. The San Francisco Chronicle. That was always the giveaway. We're doing a little Lagavulin 16 today.

Treating ourselves. You know, every once in a while you got to, I love rye whiskey, I love rye whiskey, but sometimes you got to do a, I love a peaty scotch. Oh, can't go wrong with peaty. Diablo. That is very, very nice. 16 year, I take it? That's clean, baby. Sound like Epstein.

Oh, he wouldn't go that old. This is good stuff, baby. Yes. Very nice. I'm fired up. I'm fired up. We got the game tonight. I'm nervous, but I'm fired up. This is make or break right here. Yeah. It always is. It always is. Although, I remember seeing Rocket in Nick game once, and I was like, I'm freaking out. It was the playoffs. I was like, I'm freaking out. I don't know what to do. And he goes, hey, whoop.

We're playing in June. This is the best. That's the attitude you got to keep. You got to be grateful to stay in the playoffs. Been re-watching some early rock recently. So good, man. The bad. 90s rock's always been my number one. I think Bring the Pain might be my favorite. It's incredible. That's three on three with a half court. No, that's bigger and blacker. Oh, jeez. Sorry. Man, I've taken a lot of YMCA showers the last few months on the road. Because I don't love them. Don't love them. No. I will tell you, I was in a shower with like me...

Gary, Brian, and there was a dude, an old man next to us. And I said, hey, guys, listen to this. And I just let out a wail of a fart. And we all laughed. And you can tell this guy's like, what the fuck am I doing? Yeah, that is awkward. It is awkward. But you've got to do the laugh for the boys. Of course, of course. And you're in a male locker room. I think a fart is okay. Farts, I think, should stay funny.

I signed up for, when I lived in New Orleans, they had the New Orleans Athletic Club. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's been there since like 1808 or whatever. So it's really cool, but the showers have not been updated. Yeah. So you're like, what am I doing? There's mold from like, you know, the Nixon era in there. And it's like communal. Everything's a trough. You know, it's like eight shower heads in one room. And you're like, oh, this shit sucks now. You know, like...

It's a cool idea. Hey, the old club, it's all kitschy. It's like weird. It's almost, you know, it feels like a...

one of those weird renovated apartments that doesn't work. Yes. There's like weird little nooks everywhere and you're like, it's like an eight bedroom. Right, right. Or something. You're like, what's going on here? It looks good, but yeah, it's not functional. We went there and Vitor got injured because he was trying to be, it'd be really funny if we did pull-ups in front and behind each other for a funny post or something. I was like, all right. So he jumped in front of me not realizing that the pull-up bars are like those monkey bar things. So there's another one in front of him and he just craps his lip

He's bleeding everywhere. He's like, ooh. And I was like, oh, man. Yeah. I was like, all right, well, feel better. I'm going to go try the cold plunge. He literally can't speak because his lip is inflamed. And we're all just like, dude, have you tried the sauna and the plunge? Fucking great. I know. They have those weird old machines, like that machine with the wrap around and it just shakes you. Remember that one? They thought it was medicine balls. They got weird, those giant...

It's like dumbbells, but with a weird bar and then the old round brass balls on the side. Luckily, it's whites only. That's really the only upside. The funny thing is you see why people were not in good shape from those machines. Because, by the way, now you see a guy there who's just like a regular gym guy, and he looks better than bodybuilders in the 50s. That's true. You see what was like a ripped guy. Look at a dude with a shirt off.

In the 50s, who was like a leading... Look at like Jimmy Stewart shirtless. You're like, what the fuck is this? There's no definition. It's smooth. And that guy was in the war. Yeah. Yeah. Like Jimmy Stewart went to like World War... I mean, these dudes were... I mean, like Paul Newman was kind of ripped. He was kind of... But he was like one of the new ones. Right. But no, the old guys like... Because they were alcoholics. They were... Rock Hudson was thin for a different reason. Age joke. Age joke.

Did Anthony Perkins get AIDS? Yeah, he did. Oh, shit. Crazy. If you look up Anthony Perkins from Psycho, he died of AIDS and his wife died in like a crazy plane crash. So that kid just like lost his parents in two, I think it was like the TWA crash his wife passed away in. Oh, I thought he was gay. He was gay, but he was married to a woman. Wow. As you were back then. Oh, World Trade Center. 9-11. Yeah, that's what I mean. I thought it was a TWA, but yeah. Whoa.

So Norman Bates fucking died of AIDS, man. Yeah. Awful. Great actor. Great actor. Kind of couldn't get roles because I think he was so known as Norman Bates. Damn, he killed that role. He killed that role. He made it to 60. That's something. Isn't that great? Isn't that great?

But yeah, they also drank every day. They smoked. So yeah, it's hard to get a hot bod back then, I think. Yeah, but that was kind of what's fun about it is you just got hammered. Like, Cary Grant wasn't doing sit-ups. No, no.

Guy was, that's how much sex they had back then. He's like, I'll just fuck dudes. It's not going to work out. I'll just fuck women and men. Wait, he was bi? Oh, Cary Grant was definitely bi. Is that right? Oh, yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, I think the mob back then had like tapes of him. Like they would, like Mickey Cone and his guys would kind of like blackmail him.

And they'd be like, well, fucking we'll release the gay footage if you don't pay us money. Yeah. All right. You want topical, folks? You cover this pod. Topical stuff. Cary Grant. I got Cone. We'll cover it. Breaking Cary Grant news in his personal life. He was dating Howard Hughes. Whoa. Is that confirmed? That's what it says here on the Internet. Is that why Howard Hughes is always hiding in the closet? Yeah.

We think all this shit is new with the P. Diddy's and the Kevin Spacey's. That shit's been going on for decades. Yeah. Everybody's hiding. My fluid. He did have a lot of baby oil. Look at the chin on that guy.

He was a cool dude. Very. He was the Clooney of his day. He really was. He was classy. He was good looking. And he could do humor. He could do humor. What's that really funny movie with him? His Girl Friday? No, that's a great movie. Yeah. But I was thinking of something else. It was more slapstick. Arsenic and Old Lace. Ooh. That's a funny one of Michelle Wolf's favorite movies. Ah. His

His Girl Friday is hilarious. Hilarious. And it's like, the opening scene of that is just like a joke a minute. Like, you know who he is. He's one of Tarantino's favorites. That's why I watched it, because Tarantino talked about how much he loved it, and I was like, I gotta see it. But so many fucking good zingers. His Girl Friday means like a fun girl? No, it's your right-hand man, but a woman. His Girl Friday. Yeah. It's a strange...

Yeah. It's got some darkness in it, too. There's some darkness. But if I said, like, His Man Friday, it's His Man Friday. That would make more sense. Really? I don't know. Maybe not. Everything's a girl. You call her, she's a beauty. She runs the world. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll look it up. It's funny that I looked it up why they talk like that in the old movies. It was a transatlantic accent, they call it. Like, I'm out here, see? Like that whole thing. That's an accent. That came from somewhere. Yeah, all that shit is from the British, I think.

New England-y. They all had that weird style of speaking. That Catherine Hepburn voice? Yes, yes. Yeah, see? Yes, exactly.

What kind of cocktail are you making over there, Peters? Ooh, tropical. That's an interesting drink. I never touch rum. I'm not a rum guy. I don't go near rum unless I'm drinking like a pina colada. I don't mean to be disrespectful here to rum drinkers, but when I meet an adult rum drinker who's not from like the Caribbean, I just think he's like an amateur. I completely agree. It's like what I would get fucked up on when I was like,

I was like, oh, rum and coke. Rum and coke. But it feels like an amateur. If I get heckled, I got heckled by a dude once, and he was like, I had too much rum. I'm like, of course you did, you fucking lightweight. What are you, a pirate? Whoa, whoa, whoa. Give me another bottle of rum. But Eric seems like he could, I don't think of him as an amateur drinker, just the little I know of him. Yeah. Well, I do...

That's going to sound controversial, but I give black guys a little leeway with the booze. Interesting. You see a tough black guy with some Tahiti blue nonsense with an umbrella and a fruit on it, I'm like, all right, if you were white, I would really call you a homo. But if you're black, I'd let you slide with some of these hot pink drinks. That is fair, but I remember Mike Yard, our buddy from the Comedy Cellar, black guy,

was drinking a Bailey's Irish Cream on the rocks once and I said, ooh, I made a comment and he goes, I could still whoop your ass. There you go. And I was like, you could, but then you would celebrate with a Bailey's Irish Cream. So it's not as cool. But to me, people who drink Bailey's Irish Cream straight up, that is a weird, like it's,

It's fine. It's a milkshake. It's a milkshake. Yeah, yeah. I would go white Russian over just like if I was doing so. We never really do that on here. Well, it's a lot of dairy. It's a lot of dairy. Yeah. But it tastes good. It tastes great. But two or three of them, you're like. Exactly. Lebowski kind of popularized it. Yes. And then you had all these college kids being like, we're going to get fucked up on white Russians. And by like the sixth one, you're like, this was a horrible idea. Yeah. And a little redundant. Very redundant. Is there a black?

guy that even makes sense very redundant that doesn't make sense it's just redundant good point it's like very unique yeah no it's redundant you want to mix it up a little bit yeah yeah yeah i agree but they look great on camera i mean what a movie that was god and you know i feel like it got kind of uh like it became uncool to say how good it is yes it was hack it was like it didn't crush in the movie theater i don't think i think it's one of those like it blew up on dvd and dvd but it's so good it's dude it's the big sleep

The Big Lebowski is the big sleep instead of Philip Marlowe. It's a burnout. But it's the exact plot. And they used the big in the title. I never saw that coming. Shit. Wow, good pull. Fucking, well, it's not. I mean, they admitted it. But I didn't know that. Yeah, it's such, dude. DVDs, we don't realize how good they were for cinema because they saved movies like this. Yeah. So, like,

Hundreds of movies were saved because of DVD. Office Space was all DVD. It got passed around. And it's an amazing movie. I feel like Austin Powers blew up on DVD, too. I saw that in the theater. I did, too, but I feel like a lot of people... Maybe Grandma's Boy was a big DVD. Big DVD. But yeah, it saves the movie. And now they don't make these anymore because they're not going to make money. But the DVD was the parachute. I got a factoid about Lebowski. Please. That Lebowski's in every scene.

Except one where they're in the diner plotting how to... And the tow. Yes, but if you... You want a tow, I can get you a tow. But if you look very closely... You got me till 2 p.m. If you look very closely, his car drives by in the background, so he is in the scene. Dom Herrera, little cameo in that, remember? Yes, that's right. The limo driver? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Such a great movie. Goodman in that movie is lights out. Every time he speaks. Yes. Every time he speaks, just that psychotic friend...

And Julianne Moore, that voice. We're talking about that transatlantic. Yes, yeah, that's it. She was sexy in that. So sexy. Would you? No question. Yeah, I'd fuck Donnie. Will Slevin's is Donnie, by the way. He is Donnie. He goes, who? Get the hell out of here. We've been talking for 20 minutes.

Can't repeat everything. That's a deep cut. No one knows who that is. Will Silvins is our buddy. Haitian comedian. Are you into the redhead? Am I into the redhead? I am. Because I think a redhead is like, it's like. Obviously depends on the head. It depends, but when it's done right, man, it's like. Oh, full bush. Yeah. Machi machi. That's not Lebowski. No, that's right. I can't remember.

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Go Knicks. She looks like a normal lady. That's what's hot about her. Redhead could go wrong so easily. Yes. It's like a trip to the fucking Caribbean. Could be amazing. Could go very sideways. Right. No, I mean, but when it's like Julianne Moore, you're like, oh my God, it's even hotter that it works. Right.

Or like a Christine Hendricks or something. You're like, oh my God, this is crazy. Lord, so hot. Yeah. Oh boy. Her and that Mad Men. That was something else. Hourglass. Look forward to those scenes. I like it, dude. Yeah, and it's cool that they address, that's what I love about Mad Men. She was so hot, she had the va-va-voom, the hourglass, and Sterling's like, Jesus Christ, look at this chick. I hate when they have her on a show and they don't address it.

You're like, how could everyone not be gawking at her? That's not realistic. Yeah, real life, you're just all day like, please can I fuck you? Like every person in her life, yeah, she's ridiculous. Yeah, you're right. And a great character, too. Great character. Like tough, like, you know. She had layers. It wasn't just a hot lady. She was developed, no pun intended. Yeah, she was, I mean, dude. I think she was married to him for a while.

Yeah, the Super Troopers guy. What the fuck is going on? Comedy, baby. This is every nerd's dream. Wow. Good for him. Everybody's got a type. Yeah, hang in there. Yeah. Well, he's also is eight foot one, this guy. And he's also probably funny. Yeah. I'm sure. And being funny helps.

Wow, that's why you got to take that walk over to the end of the bar and talk to that lady because you never know. She could be into you. You could be batting 111. You still get on base that one time. It's like George Costanza. Wait, wait. Marissa Tomei likes short, stocky, balding men? That's her type. I know she threw stocky there.

Does she have nudes? I just want to see what it looks like once. I'm not saying you've got to pull up now, but just... You know what's fun about this podcast? It's like a sleepover. You're just like, is she naked anywhere? That's a good point. Let's go to celebskin.com. Well, these youngsters don't know what they got. You can just pull up a nude chick before you had to wait until she was in a movie. I remember having to rent Unfaithful. My dad's like, wait, what's the movie Wild Things? It's a neo-noir. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Let me see that lesbian kiss. Come on. Species is a sci-fi thriller. You wouldn't like it, mom. The funny thing is some of these movies are actually kind of like campy and good. Sure. But as a kid, you're only renting it for one reason. What?

You would rent a movie to jack off. Yes. You get one. Your parents are taking you to your blockbuster. You get one. Yep. And you're picking the beat-off movie. Well, you could do a combo. Like, I rented Time Cop, which has the Van Damme ass-kicking and the Mia Sara tits. The combo's big. Yeah. It's like a lunch special at a restaurant. You're getting a deal, you know? Right, right. A pad thai and an egg roll. Ha ha ha!

I didn't know Thai and Chinese went together. What the hell? It's a combo. Yeah. Give me this AI shit. That's all they got. That's all they got. All right. Well, good for her. She hung in there.

Yeah, that's a fortune on those cans. We're jerking off to celebrity death match here, I guess. This is great. Did you hear the OnlyFans gal who got arrested for banging a chihuahua? What? On her OnlyFans. It just keeps escalating. She's like, what else should I do? Finger myself? They're like, is that a chihuahua in the background? Pull that thing out. I just thought it was the worst Taco Bell ad I'd ever seen. I don't know. Ah, your Kiara OnlyFans.

Damn, OnlyFans is getting out of control. Oh, yeah. You meet these people that just make a living on it, and you're just like, you idiot. And they're like, I cleared $7 million last month. And you're like, maybe I'm the idiot. I know, I know. And some of that was my money. How about these people that are just like, I'm just going to show feet, and they're still crushing it? I know. Because feet, I guess if you're into that, that's like, oh, my God. But I've never been into it. Feet are fine. Wait, so what happened? Did she do it? I don't know, but look at that dog's face. He's seen some things. Oh, my God.

That dog's had a dark life. Oh, yeah. But, you know, it's like if you're into feet, dude, the world is your fucking oyster. I'm so jealous. I got a bit about the feet, guys. Yeah. Because there's flip-flops, there's open toe, there's barefoot. I mean, we like tits. It's hard to find a tit.

But I feel like once you see if you live in the strip club, it's no longer that interesting. Sure. Like CGI. Now, no one gives a fuck about CGI because you're just like it's not it's not that like back in the day, you'd see a train on a movie screen to be like, oh, my God, I'm scared. Right. It would be coming out. You'd be like, ah. But now you're just like, who gives a fuck? It's true. Yeah. I remember I rented a what is that movie called? Jesus Christ.

Girls Gone Wild. Yeah. And me and my friends got it. It was a big deal. It was the early 90s or whatever. And it's two hours long. 38 minutes in, you're like, I'm good. Yeah. 38 minutes in, I'm like, what's the plot? Where is this going? I don't... Well, it was the saddest moment of my life because I'm like, I'm bored of tits. I know. This is not good. I never thought I could get here. But it's too much. It's like a diner menu. Too much is bad. Too much is bad. You get to page 47 and you're like, cottage cheese and melon. Yeah.

That's the tits in minute 47. Yeah. I have a bit I'm working on about how now you get the phone...

And you're just staring at your phone while watching this big budget show. They spent fucking $40 million on this one scene. I'm like, I'd rather watch a guy power wash a sidewalk on TikTok instead. Yes, yes. What's amazing to me is the entertainment business is crumbling. Hollywood is crumbling. And it's because we'd rather watch a guy eat a sandwich in a fucking Toyota Camry. That's not what I thought would destroy Hollywood. Good point. Is a guy being like 7.5. Yes.

Yeah. And you're watching every minute of it. Yeah, you're loving it. I know. It is amazing. Like...

That's like you're talking tits. I mean, look, if you see too many... That's why at a certain point the strip club is sad. Yes. You're there too long. You're just like, who cares? The first minute in, you're like, oh my God. Of course. Minute 47. Yeah, well then you start buying pussy and then you start going to the back room and you always got to up it, whether it's sex or drugs or whatever. But my buddy works at Netflix. He's just like in the marketing, whatever. He has no pull or anything. But he told me...

He goes... I go, what's up with Netflix? Everything they're buying is just bullshit, game show, reality, garbage bin shit. And he goes...

They buy stuff that you can watch while scrolling. I know. That's where we're at. That's why they're saying the names out loud. They'll be like, that's right, Steve. Yeah. You don't even have to look. You're like, oh, that guy was Steve. Yes, exactly. Some guy just scrolling on fucking Hinge. I know. By the way, think about how privilege... I mean, maybe it's privilege. Maybe it's bad, dude, because you used to go to a movie and you would really sit down and enjoy it. You're not watching Chinatown anymore.

No. In the theater while doing anything else. Forget about it. You're blown away, and that's a slow movie. Of course. Now think about how fast-paced these movies are. Like, you watch an old movie. The credits is like six minutes. Oh, yeah. It's just words. It's like directed by blank, blank. Over a horizon. Over a horizon. That's it. And you're like, oh, cool. This is like getting me into the movie. Yeah. It's pacing me for the movie. And now you're watching these fast-paced movies.

And you're just like, who gives a shit? Who gives a shit? Yeah. You know why? Because there's no confidence in a movie like that. Uh-huh. A slow movie at least has the confidence to be like, I'll get you. It's like a low energy comic. Yes. I'll get you. You'll figure it out. Pacing. But these fast paced ones are like, it's like you're running up to a girl to bar me like, what's your name? Can I buy you a drink? What's your name?

What's going on? There's almost like a lacking of confidence in that type of filmmaking. 100%, but you can't even blame them because they're like, no one's going to watch. No one's going to get off their phone. But now it's to the point where I'm mad. I'm watching that show, The Pit.

Everybody's raving about the pit. It's a new ER ripoff. I don't even know what it is. But it's kicked up a notch. It's like an ER shit, emergency room. There it is. And you like it? It's eh. The writing's not great. It's in Pittsburgh? Yeah. And that's what they call the hospital. They're out of money. They're understaffed. And it's just bullet wound coming in. Guy with a head sawed off. A lady with a dead baby. I watched the gynecology spinoff, The Clit. It's not as good. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

But, yeah, so it's good when they're in the middle of the shit. You know, you're like, oh, my God, this guy's leg got cut off by a train. Holy shit. And they got eight guys working with a scalpel and the beep, beep, beep. But other than that, I don't care about it. And I'm getting angry because I'm like, I'm trying to look at my phone here. Stop being interesting. That's where I'm at. I'm watching this bullshit at night going, hey, what are you doing being captivating? I got to.

I got a tweet to write. Interesting. Yeah. So you almost like maybe we are ultimately part of the problem is completely conditioned. I heard a Hollywood note, which was, is it second screen worthy? Is what you're making second screen worthy? Second screen worthy. I mean, is it good enough what you're making that I won't look at my phone?

That's horrible. Here's what I do, though. I make it a point. I'm going to put my phone. If I'm watching a classic movie, I make it a point to put my phone away. I watch this old movie. I had a lady over. She wanted to watch an old movie. She suggested Belle du Jour, which is a Catherine Deneuve movie from the late 60s French movie. It's good. It's like she's a bored housewife who just decides she wants to be a whore, basically. Jeez. It's good. And she's hot as fuck, dude. Really? Oh, my. I mean, look at her. She's ridiculous. Looks like Bewitched.

She is hot. But I was like, yeah, let me give my... I want to watch this movie. And it helps that it has subtitles. Yeah. That's the good thing about foreign films. You have to pay attention. You have to. That's why I like... I think that's why I'm suddenly really getting into foreign movies because it forces you to put your phone down. Right. Or else you miss a plot point. Totally. What's the story of this movie?

She becomes a whore. She's so bored. Her husband's a sweet guy. Yeah, that's one of her fantasies. She's getting humiliated. She likes getting tortured and humiliated. This is ahead of its time. Oh, the French don't fucking play, dude. With sex. Remember when the Me Too started? They had the not me movement. Oh, yeah. The French don't fuck around with sex. Is that cow poop?

They throw mud at her face. Her fantasies are all about being humiliated. And her husband's like a vanilla, really sweet, attractive doctor. And she wants to be dominated and treated like shit. And that's why she... It's about sexuality and being a prostitute. It's a cool movie. It's like...

And she is nice to look at. This must have not been played in the U.S. It feels like this would be banned. I don't know. I don't know. I've never heard of it. She is a sexy lady. You got that right. Yeah, but that's what I love. We were texting about all these Danish movies and stuff. I love that I have to put my phone away and I have to just watch. It's good because you're like, oh, I feel better that I had to give myself to this. Well, you know who's the genius of all this is Josh Johnson.

You know about this kid? Of course. He's a friend of mine, and he just started putting these long form, which everyone's like, clips, short clips, got to get to the punch, no setup. And he put this long form. He zigged when everyone zagged, and he's fucking the number two on YouTube or whatever. Wow. Jesus Christ. Sold out a couple of town halls. He's selling out everywhere. He's doing big theaters. Sold out three town halls in one day. Wow. Yeah. Wow.

Good for him. Yeah, yeah, it's cool. It's cool to see people doing different things, for sure. Well, it kind of feels like pot when everyone's like, everything on YouTube's got to be three minutes, and then Rogan's like, we're going to do a three-hour podcast, and it worked. Right, right. So you never know. Yeah, although I will say, they say...

You know, brevity is a soul of wit, right? I think less is more. I agree. I'm a big fan of less. And that's why I've been underachieving for years. That's what I tell my wife. Less is more. No, I think I love... I mean, look, I love short jokes. I love, you know... I love a story as well if it's done right. But, like, I do... I'm never mad that a movie was 90 minutes. No, no. You know what I mean? Like, I was like, oh, they found...

I love that Succession ended after season four because I was like, fuck, I wish it didn't end. Of course. And I respect the hell out of that. Leave you wanting more. This scotch is just fucking crazy. I have to put it over here. It goes down too easy. What is our guest, an hour late now? This is impressive. Well, I think he'll have some guilt on the way in and that'll buy us a good meal. I would love some guilt because you know what's bad? When you fix the guest a drink and the ice is melting. Oh.

Not a great sign. I feel like I got stood up on a date here. What do you drink? I'll be there. Will you? We should do ice cream next time. Then when he shows up, that shit's a puddle. You go, hey, we tried to give you ice cream. When he sits down, we should just do his date and be like, all right, thanks for coming. There's a couple guests I would have loved to have done that too. I know. Why can't the bad guests be late? Al Franken showed up two hours earlier.

Leave that in. But when he's on stage, he... Oh, my God. Holy crap. I pull out a pillow, a sleeping hat, and a candle. I do. I record it on my phone. I put it next to my ear. I pop an Ambien. I sleep like a baby. Stick to the news, Frankie. Lagavulin fucking rules.

It's too good. We were drinking this at my place last week. That was good times, man. Oh, yeah. The Knicks party. Had a little Shabang. Hello, Knicks thing. Just a few comics. Just watching the fucking game. But we got a guest. Oh, OK. You watching him? I might have to have around to buddy. I'll take a squirt.

Love a squirt. Give me that squirt. You ever sleep with a squirter? Yes. Old lady once. Old lady squirter? Yeah, ruined my whole bed. Damn. I had to sleep in it. That was all the water she had left. Yeah. Could have just been a bed wetter. No, it was a rooster tail. Here he is. Whoa, we made you a drink. Thank you. Oh, shit. What's this for?

Via Corona. What are you, crazy? You don't have to bring gifts? What is this? Whoa! Mama! Beautiful independent black queen. Kiss. Thank you. Damn, that was like the Predator Arnold and Carl Weathers right there. Oh, you're in Brooklyn, too. You're not supposed to say the neighborhood of the guy on the show. Just bleep it and scramble it. Now I'm going to have a lot of problems. Oh, shit. I'm going to have a ton of problems. You're in Brownsville, too. Ha ha ha!

Finish that up so I can pour you a Manhattan or a Negroni. I don't really. I haven't been drinking. We have a drink for you right there. We got you a rum. No, no pressure. It's right there. We have a cocktail for you right there. Cheers. No, no, no. What happened? I just moved back after 15 years. So I don't. I'm like an hour late to every meeting. Oh.

Oh, you do it. Because I don't understand. I'm like, yeah, I'll be there in 15 minutes. And then I'm like, I'll cram a bunch of meetings right before. What were you coming from for this? I had a Zoom meeting, so I was at my house. TikTok's going to go through the roof. Go to Manhattan, Norman. What are you doing? I'll do a Manhattan, if you don't mind. I want to try this. Where he lives. This is good. What did you make? Rum and soda. Or dig a cat. That's our whiskey. That's our whiskey there, Fetty. That's our whiskey. Congratulations. Thank you. Thank you. Where's the rum?

What kind of rum do you use? Rumpelstiltskin. Why are you keeping secrets? Which Pat Riley are you wearing right here? Is this like Miami Riley, LA, or New York? It would only be Miami Riley because I'm a Heat fan. Are you a Heat fan? I'm from Miami. I didn't know that. Jew and black. Haitian and Jewish. That's very Miami. This is a great rum producer. And I met him in New Orleans. He's a great podcast producer.

with him and his son. Hell yeah. He was on time for that one. No one has taken more black people to the promised land. Pat Riley. I just rewatched that special. That's great. That's a great fucking special. How are the Knicks doing? Knicks, as of today, we're going tonight. We're going tonight, baby. We're still in it.

We're still alive, baby. We're in the nosebleed, but we're going. Do you want me to move my shit out of the frame? You're good. You're good. What brings you back to the big app? I never wanted to be in L.A. for so long. It's like the Bermuda Triangle. I kept getting sucked back in. But you got to bang Rosario Dawson, so I would move out there for that. That was 10 years ago, and that was here. Oh, shit. New York's better, baby. Dude.

New York. What about Amber Rose? You want to talk about my love life? Sure. You got a good piece. Let's fucking put it all out on the table. You didn't move them up at all. You just went right in. You went right into my love life. Finish that. Finish that. You married. Yeah. So your love life.

You fuck? You fuck your wife? Yeah, we actually banged the other day. Oh, yeah, dog. That's sick. Yeah, smell my dick. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do that. That's crazy. I'm just kidding. I'm just dabbing you up for fucking your wife. Smell my dick. That's fucking...

It's outrageous. This is an outrageous podcast. Oh, yeah. You know what? I didn't think it was going to be so much blue humor. Well, you're blue. We had Ed Helms before you, and he did not want us to go there. He did the view, then us. And he was like, geez. Very cool guy, though. Great guy. But yeah. For me, I keep it clean. I only do clean material. Yeah. Since the beginning. Yeah.

Never did one dirty joke. I know your whole act. Baconator, the Anthony Bourdain. Oh, my God. Those jokes are from 15 years ago. Well, you were making it. You're in a fucking fog. I remember everything. Do you get mad when people remember the really old shit?

No, I haven't written anything since. That's all it is. I kind of quit. You showing me naked up on the thing? You guys are fucking distracting. We're very distracting. What did you get? I went with the Manhattan. Oh, delicioso. Thank you for the cocktail. That was very nice. Did you pull in Elaine and do the Jujubees thing? Did you get it on the way here? Someone gave it to me as a gift. I can't stand this stuff. Thank you.

But yeah, what a career you've had. You had your own talk show. This is good. And movies. It's not bad? It's good. What about you, man? You look good. You haven't aged for a drunk. You haven't aged at all. You look young. Thank you. You look fresh. And I had a baby, too. Did you? Yeah. How recently? For your wife. Three months? Yeah, the wife had the baby. But I watched it come out. You watched it come out? Yeah. Is that your wife poop? C-section. No poop. Oh, okay. C-section. Yeah. I'll send you the video. Okay, nice. Your wife's...

Puerto Rican. Yeah, yeah. Assuming. So she got pregnant just when I looked at her. You hugged her and she got pregnant. That's not where I was going with the joke. Oh, oh, sorry. You tricked me into a... You put me in a corner. That was fucking racist. I love the 40s. Good people. What are you working on? You got a podcast? All right, I guess we're out of time. I'm going to... We'll show you dates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm playing at the...

chuckle factory and coyote bladder mississippi that's a good one doing stand-up yeah i'm not doing stand-up anymore i haven't done stand-up since uh 2020 like right before covid i like filmed my netflix special i oh yeah edited it edited it edited it february 2020 delivered it

And then COVID hit. And then people were like, we'll do stand up on Zoom. I was like, I'm not fucking doing stand up on Zoom. We're shaking our heads, but we did it. I taped a special on Zoom. It was terrible.

bombing in your own home. It was awful. There's nowhere to go. You close the laptop and you're like... I remember doing one of them on Zoom and I was just like, let me just... I have no outlet. Let me just work out new jokes here. And one of the comments was like, this is so bad. And I was like, I know. I don't want to be doing this. What about the shows where they were at the drive-in movie theaters? The honking? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't like stand up as much as you guys. I didn't do those. I don't like stand up regular. You know, like I don't like when everything's set up for us to succeed. Right. I'm still kind of in a bad mood about my set. It's still so a fucking car honking and a zoom. Yeah. Put a bullet in my brain. So when I came back from. If you really got the wipers, that's all I remember. Oh, you were bad. If you were killing, you got the wipers.

Oh killing What was like bad? Bad was like Silence Yeah silence And maybe What a fucking nightmare You know get off stage Yeah Sorry Then people would yell at you No just when I came out of COVID I was like Other than when shows Started coming back I was in my 40s And then I was like old And I'm tired at night And I was like I don't understand I'm fucking

Exhausted. It's a young man's game. You gotta get up there, bomb, fail, yeah. And my sleep is all fucked up. I have insomnia, so it gives me adrenaline. A lot of people say they have insomnia, but how bad? Well, now I'm on medication.

Now I'm medicated and I'm seeing an insomnia special. Whoa. But it was fucking rough. I get bouts of that. What do you take? Give me some stuff. You got to do the orange sunglasses at night. Whoa. Is that like blue light? The blue light from the screens is killing you. Whoa. I've had people tell me even the Wi-Fi, you turn off Wi-Fi on your phone and don't put it next to your nightstand. Put it on the floor. I don't even charge my phone in my room. No electronics in my room. Orange sunglasses at night. You got to wear those fucking sunglasses. Really? Yeah.

- I gotta order another, I keep losing those. - And then I'm on Trazodone and Qvivic. I'm on two. - What's your wind down routine? Like no TV, right? - I just started this with this insomnia specialist. So no, I can watch TV. I try to do seven hours of sleep. And so at like 10, the blue light blocking glasses come on. 11, the screens go off, brush my teeth, whatever. Get ready for bed, take my medications.

And then I go into my bedroom with no electronics and I can only read a book or journal.

Whoa. And so I sit. I have like a Moroccan poof. So I sit, I journal, I read a book. This is why Anne Frank slept very well. And you can't get sleepy. You can't touch your bed until you're like yawning and sleeping. Okay. You can't associate your bed with tossing and turning because Pavlovian. Interesting. Really? I'm a tosser and turner for sure. I did the trans though. It's better to get out of bed if you're tossing and turning more than 15, 20 minutes and just go –

Read by candlelight. You want dim light. Read by candlelight, journal. It's a fucking... I'm living in the medieval times. The Amish must be just 10 hours a night. They must be getting great sleep. No screen, candle. I have a king-sized bed, but I have two twin mattresses because I don't want to annoy the person next to me that I'm tossing and turning that much. This is your wife or it's a stranger? Oh, I'm single. It's just hopeful that I won't annoy the next person. An unlucky lady. I got a sleep app machine, so now I'm locked in. Sleep app? Damn.

CPAP, yeah, I'm like fucking Bane. I got a whole system. I got a silk bonnet I wear. Jeez, you can't get laid with this. No, I look horrible. Yeah. A silk bonnet. I look fucking ridiculous. I did the trascone. I blew through it. It worked for like a week, and then I was like, I'm up. I wore through it. You can always go up and dose it. What about like a Unisom? What is that? It's like a sleep tablet. Oh, that's like a Benadryl. Yeah, yeah. I think in a pinch you take that stuff, but I don't think you can take that all the time.

Trazodone is an SSRI or an SNRI or something. So I think you can take it. I want to wean off it, but for now I'm like, I had to stop the bleeding. It was real bad. I'll tell you, I got hooked on Xanax for a while. Yeah, same with me. Because it works. Same with you. It's the only thing that knocked me out. Me too. But I was like licking the inside of the bag and shit. And I was like, I got to stop. I got to stop. I was like, no more. So I called my psychiatrist. I was like, just come on a bit. You got any? I sure do. Oh, I'll buy it from you. They make every drink two for one. Woo!

I think they put peach in this. I think there's peach bitters in this. It's fucking delicious. What is this guy? Sommelier. This is really good. Sommelier. So, yeah, good to have you back in the... Fucked up you call me gay, dude. That was fucking weird. Who do you hate the least? Or who do you hate the most? Who do I hate the most? Who's the one that you're like, you know what, kind of glad he's dead? Yeah. Damn. Yeah.

Well, Patrice could be mean. Phyllis Diller, I never got to do. I never met him. And this is Kurt Cobain. Smash mouth. That's actually a rifle. This is the picture of him killing him. Yeah.

There's Michael Che, Judy Gold. Another picture of Judy Gold. And next to him, Judy Gold as well. Another picture of Judy Gold. Oh, man. Not even dead. You got three of her up there. You got some strays, as the kids say. Yeah, so he was mean to you. What did he say?

Well, he was just, you know, a scary guy. He would cut you to the bone. One time my friend opened for him and he bombed. And my friend had glasses. Who was this? I don't want to say his name. He's very sensitive about it. But I'll tell you after. So he opens up. He had a mediocre set. And then he did bomb. And Patrice walks up and goes, ugh, I hate when these alt f***s open for me. And that was the first line of his set. Did it kill? Yeah, it killed. It was a different time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was a funny guy, too.

Yeah, I'm sure he looked up to Patrice because everyone thought Patrice was hilarious. Everyone loved Patrice. His comedy. Yeah, his comedy. I've heard controversial things. Yeah, I don't know if I'd love to hang with him, but I liked watching his Elephant in the Roof. What do you think that is? A personality disorder? Definitely. Or just profound depression? Hates himself, hates everybody. Probably just... Massive old. Some people just love...

confrontation and conflict and just depressed people they just want to fuck with you with people that are severely depressed yeah yeah yeah this is pre-therapy giant hole in their heart that the i think patrice would break a therapist or just associate baths yeah maybe associate bath there's a little that in there for sure yeah but dami was funny

He loved animals? He's Tony Soprano. What do you mean? He's a classic. If an animal's in pain, I feel horrible, but I'll ruin a human's life. You think he was abused when he was a kid? I would assume he had a terrible childhood. Terrible childhood. Elephant in the room. Great special. Great special, dude. I loved it. Yeah, the other ones didn't capture his greatness. The one night stand for HBO he did was like, he was doing street jokes at the end. It was just weird. It was like, you're brilliant, clearly, but you're...

it's like you're just bored or something you gotta see stand up live i never feel like you captured on it's hard he's always missing something when you he certainly was he was definitely missing yeah you have to see there has to be this like danger in the air or something especially you i feel like you're all alive i don't do stand up

Well, when you did, you had an energy about you that no one could follow and no one wanted to follow. Thank you. We're all doing just like a, what's the deal with Cheerios? And you were like, you ever get an anal fissure? You ever get an anal fissure? You remember the Bourdain bit about diarrhea? Not really. What? That was one of my favorites. About how he must have had the worst diarrhea on the planet. No, you know what? That joke lasted like...

Two shows And you were at one of them I caught it I was like That's a keeper I remember somebody Who said I remember I think I met you At the Underground Lounge On 107th Like way back in the day I was I was out barking for those Those were not fun shows Yeah yeah yeah But uh Bring her shows Barking

Barking was crazy, yeah. How about the Jamaican bit about cops? Bad boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I only have like 45 minutes worth of jokes after 22 years. Did you tour at all or no? Yeah, yeah. I toured last year, but the Eric Andre show live. And then before that, I toured 2019, 2020, filmed it, sent it into Netflix, and then never did stand up again. I did like a little bit. Che pulled me out on stage a year ago, I think. Okay.

he was like you're doing stand-up and i was like i don't know it's too hard damn because now you're you're just coming i'll sit with me and will sylvans will sit next to you and help you out okay i miss seeing shade do stand-up because i think he had like isn't he still doing his job yeah but i don't see he doesn't we don't see him come around everyone he doesn't like hit the no hey pound the pavement but he used to always come to the cellar and like you know and his mind is so is so sharp like he has such great

premises and stuff. So I would like seeing them work out and not work. I was kind of like, oh, this is just like fun to watch. Yeah. This is the first drink I've had. How the hell did you know that? You quit comedy, you quit alcohol. What are you still doing? I didn't really drink. I didn't really quit alcohol. I'm just like,

Puffs me up, man. I'm trying to fucking fit my old jeans. Yeah. No, it puffs me up. Oh, puffs. No, I'm feeling puffy, dude. I'm puffed up. All right, this is the juice side. I want to fit my old jeans. All right. Well, how the hell? Slide in those old fucking Wranglers. Well, the sweatpants will help. No, the sweatpants is because I'm fucking great. Well, you look fine. I just lost 30 pounds. Whoa. Really? Was that big? Manjaro. There it is.

Really any needle What is that? Is that the black version? What is that? Yeah yeah Okay It's kind of like The vaccine I saw the ad on BET What was the black version Was Johnson and Johnson And the white he got Moderna I think Is that right? I think so It split the room Nobody knows Nah Nah Hey how'd you guys come up with this Fucking silly shit Drinking Drinking Old drinking buddy Yeah

Is that a shot in the ass? No, it's an Italian sauce. Sounds like a slur. A couple of Manjaros moved into the neighborhood. A couple of Manjaros in here. You know who we got to get rid of in this country. Uh,

What's a white Negroni? It's got tequila in it? Oh, shit. It's on time is what it is. All right. Hello. But yeah. How the hell did you sell the Eric Andre show? How do you do that? The show's wacky. You're falling through a table. You're naked. Well, everybody passed. Everybody passed except Adult Swim. So it wasn't selling like hotcakes. There wasn't a bidding war. Yeah. But Adult Swim hadn't. They were looking for a talk show at the time because they hadn't had Space Ghost on the air for a while. Oh, yeah. So I made like a little.

Demo reel with Hannibal in this like Shitty abandoned bodega In Bushwick or Bed-Stuy Yeah Like a rat's nest And uh Sorry Sorry Excuse me And um I like taught myself Final Cut And I Whoa

It took me like a year to edit together a seven-minute social reel. And I sent it. Did you do it yourself? Oh, it wasn't on the air yet. Sorry. No, no. No, it wasn't on the air. Wow. And that's how you sold it. You showed him the – I showed him a tape. I'm literally going up to Nick Weidenfeld, who was the – That's his buddy. VP of development. I was like showing him the first cuts at parties on my iPhone 1.

And I was like, hey, I'm not done with this yet. I'm learning how to do it. He's like, when you're done, show me. Whoa. And then I kept just showing. And then a year went by. And then when he sent it to...

Mike Lazo, who was his boss at the time, who ran the network, he loved it instantly. And that was 2010. Thanksgiving 2010. I was in Guatemala. Wow. Very good email. And then it was like, let's do a pilot. And that was 2011. And then they picked it up. And brilliant to bring Hannibal on, who is the lowest energy guy on the planet. And you're the highest. And it was a fun little juxtaposition. The best compliment I ever got was about that pairing.

Chris Rock called me like after the first season and he goes, the reason your show works is because there's no two black guys that have less in common. Well,

Wow, that's great. Yeah, and the show was wild. And you'd have stars on, and then you could tell they didn't get it. They were freaked out. No, you don't want them to get it. So you gave them no prep. In the beginning, we were like, well, we'll tell them some things. We'll tell them maybe season one. And then we realized if you tell them anything, or you tell even one guest something, and the other 19 guests aren't in on it, it ruins it for everybody. Like, everybody has to be in.

completely in the dark and every prank has to be 100 real so i or you jeopardize the the stakes of the whole show right when you there's never fake reactions there's never freight no nobody's in on it there's never uh like yeah we learned that quick lauren conrad i mean she's like she's not gonna get it well i i vomited on it what the you thinking

Oh, that's great. Did you ever break on these? No, because it takes so much prep. So much goes into it. When you have somebody on the hook, you don't want to ruin it. Trying to do the Manson swastika. Almost got it. It's hard to do it without a mirror. She's going to kill herself after this. I'm listening. Animal got it. He got it. Straight up eat the lettuce. What up?

Hey, have you ever heard a guitar before? Yeah. They're like... It's like between two ferns on Kennedy. Did anyone ever walk off set like that? She walked off on the second part, yeah. She walks and T.I. walks. What about when you had Stacey Dash on? I remember that one. She jumped up because there were rats coming out of the... Whoa. Yeah. She's very attractive. She was like game. She is attractive. Hot lady. Very attractive.

Yeah, when you whipped out Obama's dick. That was a good one right there. And I didn't want to get political. Damn, that's fun. Donald Glover must have gotten it. He's a comic. Well, he knew I'm a fucker, but he didn't know what we were going to do. Was there anyone you were dying to get on that you couldn't get on? Bill Cosby. That would have been nice. Especially during the Hannibal shit. Yeah, sure. That would have been nice.

Yeah, damn. Yeah, he doesn't even like bad language. And you come out with a fucking chainsaw and a swastika. Well, it's more of the fact that Hannibal, you know, presented the world with this certain information about him that we all knew for 40 years. I remember that. What a weird thing to just do. Why did they cover it up? I didn't see the documentary, but like, they're like, ah, just...

Hey, NBC, everybody, his wife, everybody's just like, well, it's okay. Hey, he's Cosby. He's a little crazy. Right, right. I don't know, man. He's a fucking serial rapist. We all go on riffs during sets on the road that you don't think about. You don't think it's going to destroy Cosby. Oh, no. I could tell that was like a throwaway joke. Yeah. Working on it. And then everybody was itching to take him down, I think. Yeah. For some reason, broke the camel's back.

It was in the ether. Yeah, for sure. We all heard it. I didn't know he did that until I was a door guy at Broadway Comedy Club and Mike DiStefano, I remember him, was on stage and he did a joke about, he's like, yeah, I'm dirty, but Cosby's clean. He's a fucking rapist. I was like, he is? I didn't know. I had to go online. I was like, oh, I guess he's a bad guy. I didn't know that. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. That was around. That was before Hannibal's

Called him out Yeah it was before Oh shit But it was the Broadway comedy club And nothing leaves that room Everything dies in that room That's true I miss Mike He was a funny guy So funny Very funny He had the fucking best joke He goes He goes this woman came up to me After a show

and said, you know, calling women the C word is like calling black people the N word. And he goes, yeah, but I'm not worried about a bunch of C words beating me up after the show. Wow. He was so good. The one he did on Last Comic Stand, the one about his agents faxing me a bio. He's like, bio? I fucking yell at strangers. This joke, yeah. And he's like, what did you do before comedy? He's like, I was a drug counselor. What did you do before that? I was a drug addict. What did you do before that? I was 12. Ha ha ha.

He was so funny. So funny. Put him up on this fucking thing. Oh, yeah. Damn. We got Mike DiStefano. That's a good point. Let's get old Mike D. And what else did he have? He died of AIDS. He did. Right? Heart attack. I don't think AIDS was doing him any favors. Okay. Yeah. Shit. Sorry, Mike. And then he had a joke. He goes, I went to a Chinese restaurant. They had a suggestion box.

I wrote in free to bet. Oddly woke for the least woke. Yeah. Right, right. Oh, no, he was so funny. He was great. Somebody asked him on an interview what his voice was. How'd you find your voice? And he yelled at the guy for like six minutes. He's like, my voice. I'm trying to get laughs up here. Get the fuck out of my face. Yeah, yeah.

my voice oh 44 44. he was 44 but he looked like he was like 64. i feel like in that like two year span so many comics died like giraldo patrice robert schimmel like so many comics just yeah well comics aren't health nuts no no they kind of are now which is weird a lot of death came hours after filming a video for funny or die and then he died yeah funeral home in the bronx look at that dude r.i.p

Yeah, comedy's not healthy. Comics aren't health nuts. Nah. Clearly there's something wrong. Sure. That's part of the fun. There's clearly. But I'm sure. It's apparently clear. I'm sure there's garbage men who got problems too. Yeah, everyone's got problems. Everybody's got problems. Yeah. Everybody's a fucking disaster.

As we sip on our second drink. These are fucking phenomenal. Yeah, okay, good. I'm putting these away for a rainy day. We're getting fucking lit up on these. They're great. Thank you for the gift. What a cool gift. Are you doing the rounds for the pod? The circuit? The press? I'm doing a little round. What else are you doing? I can't remember. I can't remember. Can I ask you about your movie?

Yeah. All right. Do whatever you want. I thought it was innovative. Thanks. You're talking about Bad Trip? Yeah. Thank you, man. Because the reactions were real, right? Yeah, yeah. That was a brilliant move. Sorry. You got it. You can't fake a reaction. You can't fake a reaction. If you fake one, you compromise all of them. Hear, hear. So how'd you do it? You just shot it, and you'd have these card corrections. It was incredibly hard. It took seven and a half years. Whoa. Wow. From the earliest writings to airing the movie, it was almost eight years. Wow. And it was a lot of work.

and it was supposed to debut at South by Southwest March 2020, and then COVID happened. Damn. Yeah, and then it was nowhere, and then MGM tried to sell it to Quibi behind her backs. But the only reason they got busted with their hand in the cookie jar is because they told, oh, my producer, Jeff Tremaine, had final cut, and they had to ask him for... They had to ask him for...

permission to cut it into little quibby iPhone segments and he's like what the fuck's going on here and they were like yeah we tried to set up to Netflix they didn't want it and then we called Netflix and they were like well we absolutely want this oh wow yeah and they were like

MGM was willing to take it at a loss. And you're like, hold on, let me go back to Quibi real quick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Quibi's kind of cool. That's the next big thing. But it was number one on Netflix in the US. We've offered some Quibi, Seesaw. We're fucking crushing. Oh, yeah. Damn, it's such a cool movie. It's kind of got a Buster Keaton vibe, and Haddish killed it. Oh, yeah, she killed it. She thrives in those. She does. I think I could have freshed her.

Oh, yeah? She was all over me. Really? We did a run together on the road. And, yeah, I think she likes the honky. And you blew it. What?

Well, I was... You were too shy. I was married. She did sleep with a friend of mine who's a white guy. And he's very white. He's Irish. Oh, that's whiter than me. Well, it gets whiter than Irish. Swedish. Yes. Maybe Gaffigan after that. Yeah. Oh, fuck. Those Scandinavian countries are fun, man. I just toured the fucking insanity. Oh, my God. You hit Copenhagen, man. You hit a little Stockholm. I have rough...

Stand up Crowds Internationally Stand up is hit or miss I feel like I agree Of course But it's hit or miss In fucking America too right I mean shit I had a bad set in Columbus, Ohio too You know Right I almost got punched In the face on stage In Columbus, Ohio Oh yeah Really Yeah This Um

young gal. I would say she's like 21, very drunk, very loud in the, not the front row, but maybe let's say the third row wouldn't stop talking on her phone, belligerent, drunk, just classic, annoying audience member. Right. And she's interrupted. She's stepping on my punchline. She's fucking a huge distraction. So I go, I'm like riffing with her. I'm trying to like get her to shut the fuck up in the most polite way. Then she,

I go, give me your phone. And I took her cell phone and I looked up mom in her cell phone and I wrote, mom, I've always had a thing for dad.

And then everyone's like, ah. Then I gave it back to her. She was like, wah, wah, wah, wah. Then she wouldn't shut the fuck up again. So I grabbed it back and I went to the audience. I go, everybody pass your phone around and send crazy text to whoever you want. That's brilliant. And go nuts and pass it all around. And by the time it made it back to her, she like fucking saw red and turned into a cartoon thermometer. It was like, ah, and jumped on stage and swung like a big haywire.

Whoa. And I was like, whoa. And I look back at security and they're just laughing. They're like, this guy's crazy. Two college kids like grabbed her and like escorted her out. And then security was like, oh, maybe we drag her out. Maybe this isn't part of the show.

And then I finished my set And then And also that was like the height I couldn't really I cut the set short Because I couldn't go back to like Hey Iraq That place is fucked right So I like wrapped it up quick And then I got off stage And then like I went out

to go home or to sell merch or something like through the front and she was like waiting there for me and she's like can i get a selfie i was like what poison phone no thank you

Maybe that's what happened with Will Smith. We didn't know Chris Rock was doing that to his phone the whole time. I'm bored of this story. I think Chris Rock went, can I get a selfie? That's a brilliant move for the hijacking of the phone in the past around. You fuck with my life, I'm fucking with your life, bitch. She was out of control, belligerent. And just stepping on, I'd set up a joke.

For however many minutes And then she'd like Crumple the fucking punchline I'm like Lady You're fucking killing me Yeah You know how it goes Those punchlines That's all I have What's the worst What's the worst bomb You've ever had I got so many Tell me some Last night was a great Stinkers My worst bomb ever I did a roast Of like a hedge fund

I've told this story before. But this guy hit me up. I did a seller set. This is 10 years ago. It went well. And he goes, I got five grand with your name on it. You come to my company and roast all my employees. I'll give you five grand. I was like, that's the most money I've ever seen. Yeah, you're like, hooga booga. Yeah. Five grand! Cheese!

You know, dollar signs. Yeah. Somebody's smoking. I put on a green visor. So then I go, oh, my God. But I don't know your hedge fund. I don't know these. So he goes, I'll send you a rap sheet with all the dirt on these guys. I go, oh, this is going to be cake. Easy money. Kevin cheats on his wife. That was in there. That was in there. Cheats on the wife. Coke head. He's secretly gay. I mean, it was all like heavy duty dirt. Like, this is like put you in jail dirt. Ruin a marriage dirt. So.

So I'm like, oh, this is gold. I'm going to kill this. And he keeps writing. He's texting me. He's like, be vicious. Be vicious. No T's. Hold back. He's psychotic. He's a hedge fund guy. Yeah, yeah. Nuts. And so I was like, oh, this is going to be great. So he goes, here's the address. I didn't know it was at a golf club, like a golf thing upstate. So I took the Metro North up. I get there. It's Lamborghini, Ferrari, Benz, all these things. Got to set you up for a mafia hit. I get there. It's just everybody's hair slicked back, hot wife, annoying kids.

And those are not the guys who can take the joke. No. They're not. Is there footage of them? No. God, no. What are you, crazy? These guys don't film anything. They're all hookered up and everything. You're trying to roast Jordan Belfort here. Yes. Yes. That's who it was. So when you started your jokes and you're saying specific shit, dirt about specific people, what started it? Tell me the fucking-

So the guy's like, uh, so you're a stranger and you're just insulting strangers with really harsh information. And I'm dressed like this and everyone's like, you know, wear a vest. These guys look sharp as shit. You're wearing old Navy clearance and you're just walking up and just fucking feel like, hey, you cheated. This guy's dick doesn't work. They're like, what the fuck?

is this guy? So I meet the guy. He's got the cigar. He's out on the back deck with his sprawling golf course. It's beautiful. It's a bunch of black guys with the white jackets on. They're not allowed in the club unless they're serving. And I get up to the podium and the guy goes, hey, we got a great comic. He's going to roast the shit out of us. You know these comedy guys. They go crazy. And I get up there and it's like, hey, so Dan, we all know you're gay. And his wife's like, ah!

So that's the whole thing. I'm like, oh, I better move over here. Hey, Bob, we all know you got a Coke problem. And he's like, shut the fuck up.

fuck up his wife's like i thought you went to rehab oh my fucking lord you destroyed people's lives kids are crying jeff ross goes on after you and murders exactly uh so i'm bombing within like you know four four jokes you know and they're mad people are getting up and leaving and i can see the guy in the back who booked me like what the fuck man what are you doing and i'm like you gave me this shit what am i doing you set me up for this you set me

You should have bought him on stage. You go, what do you mean? What do you mean? Yeah. So about eight minutes in, I'm like ruining lives. So I go into my act, you know, I'm like, uh, Uber's, uh, what's up with Uber? Five stars. Come on. How about one star? You know? And that's bombing of course, because of the whole rooms in a pandemonium. Well, yeah, it's

And so I cut it short. I did like 17 or 18 minutes. Got the fuck. I was supposed to do an hour. Yeah. I find the guys like having a meltdown on the back deck. He's like on the phone. He's like, I'm so sorry, bud. I go, Hey man, I just got to get my check. And he goes, I shouldn't give this to you. And he put the cigar up to the corner of the check. He's like, you're lucky.

I'm a nice guy. I'm giving this to you. You ruined my whole fucking day, my whole event. And I was like... You told me to do this, you fucking idiot. Yeah, I got the check and I took the Metro North back home. Cash it for free in the morning. Run for your life. I did a hell gig. I mean, so many, but one that jumps out to me is I was a door guy at Broadway Comedy Club and they would throw you up every once in a while. The waitstaff loved me because I was just one of them. Yeah, yeah. But I bombed so fucking hard. I don't know. This guy just keeps heckling me and I couldn't do shit. I kept...

I had a couple witty lines and then you run out because he's one of those dudes who can't take being insulted. And I remember he just went like,

you fucking he was like look at your fucking shitty pants i was like yeah they're like bad pants i'm like a door guy broadway comedy club you know he's like you fucking p and i just started hammering him he can't take it i don't know what i said but i said i called him like garbage or something and he was like what did you say and he stood up and i was like oh boy and i just remember him walking toward the stage and i'm like all right what's gonna happen is he gonna he's a bigger dude than he's gonna kick my ass and

And I was extra skinny back then. Yeah. Not ready to fight. And the weight staff like barricades the stage for me because they're like, they like me. That's good. But then I just hear, and I'm like, oh boy. Oh no. Hits me right in the chest. And I'm like, oh fuck. Perfect aim for a piece of shit. You got to hug to it. Hey, I got to hug to it. I got none of the fame out of it either. His girl pulls him out. And I remember being like, oh boy.

Chris Murphy, shout out Chris Murphy. Great guy. Great guy. Was like, I'll make sure. We waited for a second. He's like, he's up there. But he was like, I'm going to walk you out to make sure you don't have to go out alone if he's waiting for you. I was like, ah, thanks, man. But I remember I told this fucking story to the basketball player Bernard King. I used to have a show on MSG and Bernard King was on. I told him like off-

I was like, oh yeah, a guy spat on me once on stage. And I seen him in a Knicks game like five months ago with my brother and he just walks over to me and goes, remember when that guy spat on you during your show? I thought he was going to be like, that was, I spit on you. But my brother was like, did Bernard King just reference a bomb of yours? I was like, yeah, that was fucking weird. Okay. One time, I know he doesn't mind me saying this and if he does, he can call and yell at me, but Johnny O'Donnie. Oh.

This is 20 years ago. John F. O'Donnell, folks. This is 2003. I'm not joking. This is 20 years ago. 2005. He was a pistol, that kid. We're at the open mic. It was called the Chinatown. Was it the drag queen joint? No. Lucky dragon. It was a little. There's no way it can exist. It was a little cafe, bar, whatever the fuck gives a shit place off Canal Street.

And it was an open mic where they would, like, it wouldn't be just stand-ups. It would be, like, a freestyle rapper. Yeah. And then, like, a fucking, yeah, whatever. Fucking a clairvoyant, a magician, yada, yada, sis, boom, bah. So, like, this rapper goes, this is, like, 2003. Okay? 9-11 is only two years old. Think about where you were. The buildings are still smoldering. I might have been wearing jorts, like, jean shorts. Yeah, yeah. Just put yourself...

Lincoln Park's playing on the fucking radar. Razor scooter. Yeah, put yourself in the fucker. All right, I got it. Okay, so this dude is like,

super book like deep brooklyn out black dude all like jean jacket fitted baseball cap he's freestyle rapping before john goes on he does his rap set or whatever to like a crowd of seven confused chinese people and then john john f o donald goes on stage and he's doing his set and we're all none of us nobody's doing well as you know

john goes jay-z has this lyric where he says uh i'm like the black brad pitt he goes yeah right jay-z you look like my grandpa after he died dude the rapper not a bad joke the rapper dude took his glass glass bottle glass and threw it at john's head it missed him by like six inches boom shattered on the wall behind john

And then John just kept going with his set as if nothing happened. He was like, hey, you see Tom Cruise on Oprah? He was like, whoop. I was like, John, it's time to go. Wrap it up. Whoa. Wow. I was just like, whoa. And.

And anyway... Whoa! That's wild. That would have spooked me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Christ. Damn. Those are the open mic days, folks. Those are the open mic days. I did my first show here was with Nate Bergazzi in a basement, again in Chinatown. Yeah. The show was called Yellow. I didn't name it. Ha, ha, ha.

And I hope that an Asian guy named it. But that was the name of the bar. That was the name of the bar. Oh, shit. And that was rock bottom. It was just me, Nate Bergazzi, and one other person in a windowless basement doing jokes for each other. Yeah. And I had this. It was my first show. I was doing stand-up in Boston.

When I was finishing college, so I had this big vision, like my first show in New York City, it's going to be like Madison Square fucking Garden. Yeah. Fucking go. And it was, yeah, there it is. It was the worst 4 p.m. of my life. Oh. You got to hand it to Nate. The guy's an arena comic. He's clean as a whistle, but he did all that shit. I remember we were at CB's, and I remember,

Our buddy Louie Katz Is a really funny guy But he's having a rough set And uh Just can't get a fucking laugh They're an awful crowd And then he Out of nowhere just goes Uh Never hire a clown Named Molesto And it does okay And Todd Lynn Uh who We could throw up there too But if he was nicer Oh another dead guy But Todd Lynn goes uh He's got one Ha ha ha ha ha ha

That's a good way to compliment you and insult you. Oh, it was such a shitty thing to say, but I cracked up when I heard that. I was like, Jesus. He's got one. Throw Todd Lynn's picture up. You remember that guy? Yeah, it's like ringing a bell, but I need like a little picture. Not a nice man. He made Patrice look like Mother Teresa. Oh, he was mean. Not a nice person. Oh, yeah, I kind of remember this guy. Yeah, yeah, he was like a curmudgeon. Yes, yes. He was a curmudgeon, but I think he died like pretty quickly.

when did he die what year did he die a while ago not a health nut oh seven oh eight oh nine we were still this generation of 2012. what was this generation of curmudgeon they were just bitter right well they're just sad dudes who never got a hug and uh there was no they're all up therapy or medication combination i think it was harder back then and also they had horrible childhoods

Now comedy is like a viable career. You can go on TikTok and, you know, make a living. But back then you had to like really hate yourself. Think about doing the road in like 91. Like a hotel and you're like, I guess I'll call someone long distance. Yes. What do you do? Meanwhile, you got a fucking map out. You got to unfold a map to find rascals in Orange, New Jersey. You know, now at least you got Google Maps and all this shit.

You got lost. You hit a payphone. Is that going to spill all over me? No, you got it. I'm all good. So you were in New York at a certain time. Do you have any run-ins with Puffy?

Puffy? You know how broke I was? Easy clickbait. Jesus. Hey, Salicus, right here. Take that. You could cut me calling out your candy guy. I wasn't sure. Cut that out. Cut that out. Cut me calling it out. But that's a pro guy who knows a fucked up set when you call out a breakable bottle. Oh, yeah. No other comedian in history would know that was breakable. Well, it wasn't just that. It was your guys' fault.

Clear lie afterwards. No, no. Like, you got weirdly loud. No, it hurts, man. It hurts. Really? Yeah, do it hard. Do it.

That does hurt. No. It hurts fucking. That wasn't bad. You got to hit the back of the head. One time I got it on top, I had a concussion. I love that Mark and I are trying to be actors, and we're just like, is that breakaway glass? No. No. It's because it got way louder. No. What? It's suspicious. Like an empty thing next to the glass. It's serving no purpose. That one is, but this one isn't right here. Dude, I've gotten rocked.

Oh, that one looked like it hurt. That was strong base. What if it just went into my throat like at the end of Grifters?

You gotta commit, you gotta get the fake blood too Oh fuck I can't feel half my hand The nerve damage? Yeah Still? Whoa I can barely feel half my hand It's the origin story of a fucking wacky comedian Yeah, yeah, yeah It was the day Liquid Swords came out, the JZA album Ooh, I remember I think we were smoking brown weed

Damn. That's me at 14. Remember Four Loko? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a fun time. We used to do shots of Bacardi 151 and then a five-hour energy shot. Damn. You've changed. Homemade Four Loko. That's fucked up. I can't do that anymore. Boy, those were good times. That's when I injured myself. Was it 95? I was born in 83. Damn, Geffen did that. Good for him.

Guy's got range. Are you talking about David Geffen? Yeah. Yes, he's very much. Look at that. He's signed Urbana and Weezer. And some old people. And Wute. Patty LaBelle and shit. Oh, yeah. He got back. Look how old he is. This guy figured out the fucking pulse.

Yeah, he started in 80. No, 73. 73! So he did everybody. Probably did some Bee Gees and some... Fucking us hammered at that bar the other night. Just every Bee Gees song. You're like, Bee Gees is the best drunk music ever. Oh, it's great. It's just fucking... There's a bar downtown called Joy Face. And the DJ is killer. Holy shit. He went for a party.

Joy face In Lower East Side What are good clubs now? And good shows We don't go clubbing Look at us You think we know No I mean stand up clubs I don't mean clubbing What am I fucking nuts? You mean in the country or in the city?

Both. I mean, we just kind of go with the seller for the most part in the city. But on the road, like Madison, Comedy on State's incredible. That plays rules. Denver Comedy Works, like for clubs. SF. I like Hilarity's in Cleveland. I just love the owners, too. They're like good people. Tampa Sidesplitters, Utah. Was it Salt Lake City? Wise Guys. Love that one. Yeah, I just keep going back. I'll just keep going back to those. Like, what else? Dallas Improv I love. I like...

I like the Dania improv, actually. Oh, yeah. That's not bad. Dania improv? Dania is gnarly. That's where I grew up. Oh, really? I didn't grow up in Dania, but if you were from Dania, you were fucking intense. Really? Yeah, you had a butterfly night. Oh. I don't know. I like those crowds, man. I think Dania changed. It changed. I was born in 83. Oh, Omaha Funny Bone. That's a great one. I love that one. Dania was like...

Hell's Angel Nazi. Whoa, really? Yeah, it was fucking Everglades back in the day. Oh, yeah, right. It was like white Miami.

It wasn't even Miami. It was like Deliverance. Oh, really? Yeah. You forget about Florida because you think- But then they built into it. Yeah, yeah. Well, Florida, you think Jews, old people, Cuban. You don't really think about the crazy whites that are down there. Oh, there's some of the gnarliest whites. Yeah. Some of the gnarliest. Like American History Acts. Oh, okay. Oh, hell's angels.

Joel, America. Wow. That's fucking Florida though, dude. Yeah. Remember that show, uh, Florida or Germany or Florida. Remember that where they'd, they'd show a news story and then they tell you, you have to guess, was it Germany or Florida? And it was always Germany. I mean, always Florida. Cause it was the wildest shit. Like guy kills wife with a,

with a plush doll i don't know what about that computer scientist that cut that guy's dick off and they ate it together then he murdered the guy armin mevez look him up your army hammer army mevez army mevez army armin armin me not army hammer not army hammer armin me me wes

M-E-W-E-S? S? Try that. No, that's Mendez. No. Armin Mewes, German dick eater. Dick eater. Armin Mewes. There we go. Oh, shit. This guy's not Florida. This is beyond Florida. He's still in jail.

oh he like put a post up on craigslist he's like i want to fucking make love to you cut your dick off eat it with you at my dinner table then kill you and the one guy responded he's like yeah i'm in let's do it it was very german i'll take any gig gigs a gig a gig's a gig it was like you at the fucking hedge fund yeah right i would have killed to eat my dick i love that the guy was so cartoonishly evil he goes

puts his cigar to the check that's like come on what are you a fucking batman villain yeah he was he was a batman villain but i'm a nice guy he passed himself on the back he told me to do this you fucking monster yeah yeah i'm in me was i guess if you're gonna kill yourself you might as well go out like this yeah armin is alive but the man he ate and killed is no longer with us is it murder may he rest in paradise if the guy's in on it well that was a big part of the case

But it is. It's consensual. It is consensual, but it is still a homicide. So he did not win the game. Yeah, you can't cut the dick off. Sounds like a Black Mirror episode. I feel like if you've got any dudes on that jury, too, they're like, you can't cut a dick. Yeah. Well, that was also part of the deal. There he is, just fucking loving life. Remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

Yeah, of course. That was a good pick-off. Bobbitt, John Wayne Gacy, John Wayne. Oh, yeah. I love John Wayne. They're all kind of fucking shitty guys. That's true. That guy fucking lost his dick. That's crazy. Lost his dick. They put it back on. He's raping the shit out of his wife. Yeah, but it's not the same. Not the same. Do you remember Tom McCaffrey had that bit about... Remember him? Remember Tom? I love Tom McCaffrey. I love Tom. Great. He was so funny. What happened? Why did he stop doing... Did he stop doing stand-up? I don't know. They got the dick. Come on. Oh.

You know his bit where the guy goes, what color is it? And he's just like, if you find a dick, just bring it in. I'm sure he'll take what he can get at this point. That's great. So good. He had a joke that was like, he goes, some toupees are so bad, it's like I might as well

duct tape an anonymous cucumber on the outside of my pants I go yep that's my dick sorry dude huge dick I loved him that joke I read the Pamela was it the Pamela I read the Jenna Jameson book he's like the movie was better it was great I love this shit put him on the wall he did become a rapper that is kind of the death of comedy

Like legit He was like I'm gonna rap now You don't remember that? No I think he's a lawyer now Oh is he? I think so Most guys go lawyer to comedy He went comedy to lawyer Yeah He went lawyer No he went comedy to rapper to lawyer Yeah No one's done that Also that voice for a lawyer He's like Your honor This is fucked up Your honor dude It's not fucking cool Not cool You're a dick

He had that great line because he would bomb a lot because he was sometimes too smart for the room. And he would go, if you agree, stare at me blankly. Thank you. So good. He was great. We'll get him on here one day. Funny. Or if we need a lawyer. Well, dude, you got the new pod, Eric Andre podcast. Yeah, you guys got to come on. I'd love to. Come on. We shoot up the street. We had some good bombing stories here. I got to think of a better one if I come on. So you talk about...

your worst bomb. Yeah, I just have guests come on and just say, what's the shittiest show you ever did? I guess you don't have to come on. No, no, no. I have others. Trust me. And more and potentially more to come. That's true. Potentially more to come. That's true. So you just do this. The seller is the only good place.

place to do it. No, those are the good places. Yeah, those good spots. I just... I'm lazy. I live down by the cellar, so I'm just like... I'm gone so much on the road. I'm just... I don't want to travel far to do sets. Dude, I can't do it anymore. I gotta... Maybe I should start doing it. Do you miss it? Do you ever think of a bit? No, because I think of a bit, but it like...

it goes to a different medium. I think of it in like, how does it work on a television show? Well, any advice for, we're writing, we wrote a movie and I think we're making some headway on it. And we got a director in the back right there. That's our director right there. Jonah. Um,

I know it's fucking production hell. You got to just keep pitching it. You got to go to meetings. What do you mean? His story, he just said Netflix bought it immediately. Oh, yeah. Good point. My thing? Yeah. It took eight years. Netflix didn't buy it immediately. Oh, never mind. No, no, no. We were in the doldrums for fucking almost a decade. We'll figure it out. Nightmare. What's the move? Just do it yourself or-

Well, what's the question? Well, the question is... I'll give you my advice. I'm not fucking J.J. Abrams. We've never seen a movie. We've never written a movie before, so we're just... We're in the dark here. I think it's a pretty funny movie. It's very funny. Well, educate yourself. Take screenwriting class. Well, we finished the script. And...

Well, that's not what I'm talking about. Oh, okay. You don't read Save the Cat. Reddit. Robert McKee. You've got to educate yourself. Find a coach. Find a script writing coach that you trust. We wrote with two other writers who have experience with it. Yeah, and then the story... If you don't have a good story, you don't have a good script. The story is more important than the jokes. And the story has to have... All jokes. The jokes won't have any...

value if the story isn't lock solid. The story has to have like emotional value. You got to make them cry so that you can make them laugh. Yeah. I was hoping that the rest of them were just going to, and you would get drunk and forget which ones. It's got a heart in it. Your producers. You definitely want that in your drink. That's sugar. The

They call it sugar glass, but it's not sugar. Oh, really? You don't want to drink that. Oh, shit. I've been sucking on that. It was like sugar in Charlie Chaplin's era. Now it's like harsh chemicals. Oh, no. Yeah, you don't want to drink it. Well, I'm going to get syphilis or something. Well, check out Bombing with Eric Andre. Thank you. I'm so sorry. We'll come back next time. We'll do it again, man. Absolutely. Take me to a show because I'm fucking...

Rusty, I want to bomb. I need to bomb more. I got to show the cellar tonight. You're welcome to pop on. You should do it. It seems a little bit late. Is it at 4? Is it at 5.20 p.m.? It's 10.30. I know. You're old now. I'm very tired. Are you tired? Do you get to sleep easy after a show? No, and I have a baby. See, I'm like, after a show, my adrenaline kicks in, and then it's like,

It's just because I had insomnia. I got addicted to Xanax. Yeah, me too. Like, we kicked it. Kind of. Oh, jeez. Well, sell me some of those Oxys and we'll talk. Well, thank you, Andre. Thanks, dude. Good to see you, man. All right. See you guys. Get some bodega cat. We'll see you all in hell. Praise Allah. Cheers. Hey, folks. First, I want to say thanks for coming out. UK, we loved you. Love going there and always a blast.

Sorry about the immigration. Rochester, New York, Portchester, Albany, Burlington, Wausau, Wisconsin, Green Bay, Eugene, Oregon, hit that Nike store, San Jose, Hyannis, Mass, that's Cape Cod. Now we're going to Connecticut, Ben Salem, PA at Parks Casino, and off to New Zealand, Australia,

All over Perth and Brisbane, Sydney, we added a show. You going to bring the lady or no? I'm going to bring the lady and not the baby. Wow. Yeah, we're putting it in an orphanage. I like it. Church steps. Oliver twisted. Oh, yeah. We're sending that puppy right down the Nile.

I got the Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie Theater, July 12th, August 7th. We got Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur. Can't wait. We got Irvine Improv, August 22nd through 24th. Then we got Oklahoma City the following weekend, the Bricktown Comedy Club, late August. It'll be my birthday there.

September 19th, the Venetian in Vegas. Can't wait. Never done that room, so that'll be fun. Then we got September 25th. That weekend, I'll be in Rochester, New York, comedy at the Carlson Great Club. Coming up October 4th, the Chicago Theater. That's a big, fat one. I love Chicago. I'm going to get me some Shaw's Crab House, some... I'm going to go Tavern Pie over Deep Dish, I'm going to say. I'm with you on that. November 14th through the 16th, I'm coming back to Salt Lake City. You guys sold out my club...

Earlier this year So I'm coming back For you guys I love you Ford Damn And then December 4th Carnegie motherfucking Hall Wow I'll see you there baby How'd you get there? I hear it's Alcoholism and comedy Yeah Yeah I can't wait It's gonna be great So I'll see you guys there Thanks for listening BodegaCatWhiskey.com Drink Bodega Cat We love you guys And thanks to Eric Andre The day for my now It's talking shit And dangerous

♪ I'm out to lunch here in New ♪ ♪ This woman doesn't ♪