Ep 234: Mark Normand & Sam Morril
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A solo ep? What are we doing? Hey, we did it. I missed it. Missed it. Lots to talk about. We don't want some fucking queef from Hollywood butting in on our convo. Oh, how'd you get started? Who'd you fuck? Do you know Weinstein? Enough. They never know Weinstein. Oh, they don't know him. Although I met a woman who said she met him and he hit on her. Ah. But he wasn't aggressive.

Wow. He accepted the shutdown. He was like, I'm sorry. Interesting. Isn't that weird? Now, it's funny because she probably hides that story. Like, she won't go public with that. Yeah. You don't want to be the person who's like, we didn't rape me. Exactly. Exactly. Because he probably did do it to other women. Right. Right. Interesting. Well...

What a start to the episode. Jesus. Have you seen that montage? Everybody like, Harvey, I love you. You're a god. And they're all like kissing his fingers and his feet and toes and lips. He didn't have a working penis. That's what they said. He didn't have a working penis? Yeah. So he had like a Luke Skywalker, like Bionic Hand type cock or something? What was going on? I think he was just eating women out.

Oh. He was a gentleman. That's a charity. Yeah. He's a good guy. Yeah, I heard it was a nub that didn't really work, but then they say that Epstein, Hitler, and P. Diddy also had a bad day. Egg-shaped penis. There you go. Yeah. So something's going on. We got a pattern here. Over-difficult to live with.

Is this thing on? All right. No, it's... Overpriced. Oh, my God. I went to a diner in the village. It was like $30 for an omelet. It's crazy. It's getting a little out of hand. It's way out of hand. We went to a diner the other day. It was...

omelet with potato. I got a bowl of soup and I think it was like $59. Dude, and it's like, you know it's bad when presidents are being like, I'm going to do something about these eggs. Yeah. It all comes down to the eggs. The eggs, eggs. People love eggs. Well, if you can find this story, they're smuggling eggs over the border now, which is like, first of all,

That's funny, but also... It's like the movie Sorcery. You got to be really careful. You don't want to fucking... You don't want to break them. The toughest smuggle of all. Like, fentanyl, you can put up your ass. You put an egg up your ass, that's going to crack and make a chicken. Except for the vibrating egg. That's a good thing. Remember that? That's true. The vibrating egg. That was a Jim Jefferies bit. That was big, that egg. There it is. So are borders smuggling. How do they smuggle that shit? Yeah. Not this guy.

I mean, one sneeze and it's all... We did the egg drop challenge. Remember that? Egg drop soup? You never did the egg drop challenge? What is that? Oh, that's where you... Oh, you drop it from a high thing and you make sure it doesn't... I did that, yeah. You have to design an apparatus that keeps it from cracking. Yeah.

and i won mine did you how'd you wrap it i just went to town i did like a cushion with a bubble wrap with the the immigrants are listening right now with a pantyhose let's go i won yeah damn i do love eggs oh i love it when people are vegan i'm like but the eggs i know i do today but they but they have like you know they have is like the just egg but that shit is trash

You know whenever they're showing you... Look it up. It's like egg beater stuff. You just pull it, but it's not real. Get out of here. It's all imitation. Yeah. It's all fake. Gross. You know what that shit is? It's like you go to the play and you get the understudy. Right. That's what the Just Egg is. Except the understudy at least is good. You still might have a good show. Good point. Yeah. Yeah.

It's a horrible name because you're like, I'd rather just an egg. I know. Is it a real egg? Eggs from plants. Oh!

No, it's trash. Get out of here. I dated a girl who was trying to do the vegan thing for a while, and you get sucked into it. Because you just try not to be ... Then you'd be the guy who's just like, well, I don't want to be difficult. Right. It's annoying. Oh, so we're going to order from two different places? Yeah. But then you're like, yeah, I guess we have to. Interesting. Because then she was like, all right, let me try real pizza. And she was like, what the fuck? I was like, yeah, I was lying to you. Your shit sucked. Yeah.

Your fake cheese pizza was trash. Of course. The only thing they get away with is like the cashew milk or, you know, oat milk. No, but like that ice cream can still be good. That's true. Like the Van Leeuwen, like that shit, the vegan flavors are pretty good. Very good. But that just happens to be good. Right, right. It's one of the rare ones. Also, it's $17 more for the vegan shit. That's what they don't talk about. It's a luxury to be vegan.

It's a luxury, and they act like they're saving the world, but we're adapting to them. Yeah, also. I'm a nice guy. You're saving the world, but you're ruining the hang. You're a bad hang. And the meal. Inconvenience, yeah. No, I had people over for the game the other night, and I was ordering. My friend's like, you should get a vegetarian option. I'm like, ugh. Nah, that.

Pizza usually are safe. Vegetarian. That's true. But, you know. You can have cheese with a vegetarian. But the vegans with the no cheese, they're taking it. They're taking it. Well, they say it's not ethically done. I agree, but, like, you're the weirdo. You should figure your problem out. We got to adapt to your thing. If you're handicapped and I got a stairwell, I can't build you a ramp.

That's a bad example. You should always have a ring. The handicap person, it might not be their fault. The vegan guy's choosing it. Good point. The handicap guy didn't choose to get hit by a car. Good point. The vegan's choosing a wheelchair when he doesn't need it. I was with a guy, and he's vegan. He was telling me, he goes, I would eat eggs if I had a farm, and I knew that the... Yeah, at that point, I'm like, how far are we going to take this? Who's got this kind of time? At what point...

But also, doesn't a chicken just shit out an egg? It's not hurting them. I love it. If I had a farm. It's Manhattan. Right, right. Where the fuck's the farm? Get out of here. Farmer. What is it called? What's that? Farmers only? State farm. There you go. Like a good neighbor. That's the one. Like an annoying friend. Yeah.

I'm going to ruin the hang. Yeah. No, it's fucking the vegan stuff. God bless you. It's hard. I also like when the comics we know do it, you're like, how the fuck do you do it on the road late at night on like a Wednesday? Crazy, crazy. You got to carry like a Nutri-Grain bar or something on you.

That shit's all bad for you, too. I think the vegan stuff is bad. Like that Impossible Burger, they did the math on that. It's like way worse for you than a piece of beef. Yeah, probably. Yeah, because you've got to pack it in like the snack wells. They're like, hey, these are actually fat-free, but they're covered in gluten, sugar. What a shame. My grandparents fell for that shit. I did, too. Closet full of snack wells, my grandma's ass. It never looked fatter. Yes!

Yes. I mean, it was like, this ain't working. All these poor housewives are getting fatter and fatter eating that devil's food cake bullshit. Yeah, that shit was not real. No, no. It was pretty good. I had a few sleeps. It didn't taste bad. But everything, there's always a new craze. Every year, like, have you tried these Fig Newtons? Yeah. They're awful. They're horrible for you, but that's what Ozempic is. Fig Newtons don't even taste good.

I don't mind a Newton. They're all right. I don't mind a Newton. They're in the cookie category. You're putting the fig Newton next to an Oreo that you think it's all right? That's a good point. That's a good point. That's like putting Roseanne next to Heidi Klum. I get it. You got a point. But yeah, put that shit in the hippy-dippy power bar aisle. Well, an extra power bar is good. Fine. I guess it's whatever-

Yeah, but you're eating a Power Bar because it's like a meal replacement type thing, right? You're eating a Fig Newton. That's like bit old as a dessert. What about the Newman's Own? Which one? Oh, like Paul Newman? Paul Newman. At least you know it's going to Sickle Cell or whatever. Yeah.

Gotta love Paul Newman. Ah, you gotta love Paul Newman. The lemonade. The lemonade, the spaghetti sauce, the Fig Newtons. What if he's just ripping off other people's products and putting his name on it? Pretty much. And his face. He was like the Robin Hood of the fucking tomato paste aisle. Yeah, sending all the kids. His kid, I think, killed himself. Did he? Yeah, I believe so. Give that a go. Was that a hang gliding accident or did he kill himself?

Hang glide. I don't know about that. Johnny Carson's son or Newman's son died in a hang gliding accident. Wow. Hang glide. That came and went, huh? Yeah, that does not look like a good idea. No, no. How do you look at that thing and think, yeah, I'm going to do that? Yeah, yeah. We should put vegans on a hang glider.

What happened? Bad hang. Oh, Mark. Wait a minute. I think he killed himself. After a motorcycle accident in the fall of 1978, he was taking painkillers to ease his discomfort. Yada, yada, yada. Alcohol, drugs. Looks like he OD'd. Okay, there you go. I'll take it a step further. We're talking hang gliders. What's... Motorcycles, what are we doing? Yeah, it's a bad idea. You're not...

The odds are against you. Especially the guys. They had to pass a law a few years ago in Connecticut so that they would be forced to wear helmets. Wow. Because people were sick of scooping their heads off the side of the road, but they don't want to wear helmets because they feel the breeze in their face. Right. They like the breeze. Well, me and him like to take a nice little bike cycle around the city. But no helmet. We don't wear helmets. You got to wear a helmet. You have no excuse. I got to protect the bird's nest. You got a fucking iron dome up there.

May and Stacey are going to be wiping your own asses for the rest of your lives. You're not careful. It's not you. It's the other. Because I saw a guy. This is a walking city to me. Fuck the scooters. So I crossed diagonally through an intersection. I see a guy on a scooter. I see a guy on a scooter. And he looked really angry at me. And I was like, fuck you. It's a walker city. Yeah.

But he gave me one of these. I was like, fuck you. You're in a suit on a scooter. Who the fuck? Go fuck yourself. The suit scooter is a bad combo. The suit scooter. Because you're powerful, but you're not. Right. A business scoot. Unless you're like the CEO of scooting. Right. You're kind of a pussy. Yeah. Well, poor Sam's got a fan out there in a wheelchair. He's like, it's a walking city. I guess I'll never go there. So I was wrong about Carson's son. Ricky died in a car accident while shooting nature photographs. Oh.

Oh, man, that sucks. Damn. Well, you can't shoot while you drive, Ricky. That's the problem. Put the camera down while you're on the gas. That was the texting while driving of its day. That's true. That's true. There you go. I'm a big texter while driving. Are you? It's like drinking and smoking. They go together.

It's like steak and potatoes. Yeah. It's a good combo. They're good apart, but together, wow. It makes it fly by, right? Flies by. You're getting shit done while driving. I love it. But you can do the voice. That's the key. The voice does help. Hey, hey, tell Salik you used to wear a helmet.

But that's L.A. people. L.A. people would just leave you like a minute and a half. And you're like, fuck, now I've got to listen to a minute and a half of this fucking person. Oh, don't do that. Pontificating. You can type it out with your voice, I mean. So it sends a text. I like that. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. But the L.A. people always leave you. All the L.A. people I know, it's like a long fucking message. The worst is you see the guy at the park or whatever and he's going...

Take a note, too. And he's like, we all have to hear his fucking phone thing. Get out of here. Here's why the voice thing is so obnoxious. You found a way to elongate the voice message. Yes. So now it's the voice message, but it's going on and on. Okay, cool. Here's another one.

What are you doing? I know. I'm not, yeah, I'm not listening to your album here. Fuck you. Yeah, it's brutal. I hate it. It's too, and they always, they never have all their thoughts together. Like, what was that guy? Who played Yoda? Frank Oz. That was it. Boy, he's good. All right, come on.

It's the rough draft. Oh, yeah. You've got to get it together. You've got to have a fucking... It's the rough draft. It's insane. Yeah, remember that old Craig Baldo joke? I love this bit. I know the bit you're going to say. That was his big bit. What was it? He was listening to Elton John. He's like, something, something, then again, no. And he's like, I don't want the rough draft. Yes. Finish the fucking song before you record it on the studio. Yeah, he had some funny shit, man. Yeah, he was funny. He's a sports...

reporter now or so really yeah in boston oh shit funny guy i remember every great bit i heard when i moved to new york because uh i remember leo allen had that great bit about pet stores he's like they say don't go to the grocery store when you're hungry don't go to the pet store when you're lonely oh that's great i'll take all the turtles and i'm gonna name them elizabeth elizabeth that's good man oh yeah that's you know i remember every tom caffrey mccaffrey bit i got so many so many good bits my favorite one was uh

you pick, like I was a pussy when I was a kid. So if someone would pick a fight with me, I would just give them a time and location that was really difficult to get to. Oh, this guy wants to go. You and me, uh, mountain Christmas morning, Mount St. Helen. He's like, that's kind of hard to get to. And he's like, you hear this pussy? Yeah.

Oh, you want to go? You and me, Vanity Fair, Oscars after party. That's kind of a tight list. This pussy's not even going to get on the list. That's brilliant. That's a great fucking joke. I think I've said it on here before, but he had the first girl and guy give you the... The boyfriend and girlfriend give you the hall pass. Yes. You can fuck her, and he's like... The girlfriend's like, George Clooney, Val Kilmer, whatever, Nicolas Cage. What about you? He goes...

the girl from the store, my aunt Sheila, whatever it was. Everyone ended up copying that bit. Completely. That's one of those bits that sounds hacky in retrospect, but the first time I heard it, I was like, damn, that's good. Damn, that's good. He had the great bit. He's like, I read the Jenna Jameson book. The movie was better. Yes, classic. Quick. Quick.

He had good shit, man. Oh, yeah. Because I couldn't write it. I was so bad. I was so new at comedy. So seeing other people's jokes really inspired me. Also, he would kill in the tough rooms. Oh, yeah. Those were, yeah, dude. I need new jokes. I was just on a run, man. I did 11 nights on a tour bus, and then we're filming a movie while we're doing it. So I'm just like, by the end, I'm fucking cranky. I'm sleep deprived. But some of these venues, man, the Masonic and SF, fucking SF is-

Amazing. One of the top comedy shows. Some less homeless people, too. Oh, good. They're still poop, but they were, you know, it's like mice. They're still there. But, you know, but it was beautiful. It was great. All right. Yeah, I saw some, sometimes people tag you and they tag me. Yeah, yeah. So one guy was like, best show I've ever seen. They were good.

You know what my favorite one of the whole run was, I think, was Seattle, the Moore Theater. Seattle's just something about it. I love that town. By the water down there. Vancouver's dicey right now. Yeah. We go outside. So, you know, I'm flying high after the Knicks win. They won. It's just one game, too. I'm losing my mind against the Celtics. And I go, oh, yeah, this is...

game six, Stavi and I, some guy tagged us. We're running through the street just fucking screaming. That's an amazing photo. I turned to Stavi. I'm like, should we embrace Seventh Avenue and the madness? And he goes, we must. You have to. And we ran out there like, ah. Hell yeah. People were climbing the fucking billboards. It's mayhem. It's like, you know, but yeah, I'm going nuts. I'm so happy. And then after the show, my tour manager's like,

run down to the green room and i'm like why he's like just run i'm like all right jesus there's a guy wielding the machete in the alleyway trying to get in i'm like all right whoa fucking vancouver man so give me the the knicks rundown they won the first lost the second won the third no they they won the first two rounds but oh against the celtics they won the first two they lost game three is big because if you're up 3-0 you never lose right in the nba right but uh

They won the first two. They lost game three. Okay. Ended up going to game four with my mom. Pretty fucking badass. I know. I wish I could have gone. It was pretty damn fun. And then... Did you get any? I did. I fucked my mom, dude. Yeah. It was pretty cool. Andy. Look, it was... They put us on the kiss cam. I'm a sucker. No, we... Dude, it was pretty epic. Brunson went off.

Tatum tore his Achilles. That sucked for the Celtics. Yeah. But then, yeah, then I went back for game six with little Stavi. And then...

Yeah, we were flying high, man. Walking through the streets just embracing the fucking... Just high-fiving strangers. Just loving it. When was the last time they were in this level of playoffs? 25 years. Wow. Jesus. Yeah. So now what happens? Dude, I almost booked a gig in Indy to go to game four. I almost was like, oh, fuck. I booked it. I booked the flight. I booked the hotel. And...

I got a gig and then I just was like, dude, what am I doing? I know. I'm so tired though. I'm just like burnt out. I've hit 50 cities already this year. I'm like, what am I doing to my fucking, my body was like, what are you doing to me? You're going to get a little break though. Yeah. That's in what? Two weeks. We got other shit. No, it's, it would be like next. I mean, I don't know when this is coming out, but we're, we're dating this episode right now. But, uh,

No, I just was fucking that last run just like because we did you know, we're doing the tour bus movie So then we have the third run they gave us a different bus. So we just couldn't film anything I was like, oh so now I can't shoot so we have to film everything and

On the fourth one, I was just like, it'd be like I do two shows and I get off and be like, oh, we got to film till three. Oh. And then Vito would be like, we need a shot of you like looking out the bus window at seven. I'd be like, all right. So I'd wake up. So it was like that for like 11 days. But did you finish?

Finish that part. Okay, okay. Not the whole thing, but yeah, we're getting there. No, we still got shit to do. No, that's true. No, we're cooking, man. You're recently single, if that's what you're saying. Are you meeting women? Sure, Howard Stern. Are you meeting women on the road? It's hard on the road because of the bus. I think I want to do a bit about this because I think this could be a bit...

We were fooling around a little, and she goes, I want to kill you. And I was like, I'll humor this. Let's see where this goes. So I was like- Wait, you met Casey Anthony? She's out there. I know. She's not bad. She's not bad. She's not bad. We've all thought about it. Yeah, I've already jerked off to her twice. But would you roll the dice? Eh.

I wouldn't sleep with one eye open. You know you don't have to use plan B with her at least. That's true. That's a good thing. Yeah, she's not bad. But now she's trying to be an influencer. Some guy threw his life apart for her. He was married and he cheated on his wife with her and then tried to get his wife to take him back. And she was like, no, you banged Casey Anthony. Like, what are my friends going to say? And he's the insane one? Yeah. I don't know. The influencing is worse than the killing. I want to do a joke with this girl says...

She goes, "I wanna kill you." And I was like, you know, I was rolling with it 'cause we're hooking up and I was like, "Yeah?" And she goes, I go, "How you gonna kill me?" And she goes, "When you least suspect it with a knife, "I'm gonna stab you a bunch of times." And I go, "Yeah, you little slut?" And she goes, "What did you say?" I'm like, "Oh, I crossed the line?" - That's funny.

Yeah. But, uh, yeah, there's something there maybe, but yeah. Oh dude. Yeah. We got into a fight on the street. Uh, we were both hammered. It was like 4am. I ended up at down the hatch, a beer pong bar. I know it. That's a good bar. Great bar. And I ended up just like, you know, that's the one tucked away on Greenwich. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We ended up playing beer pong. I'm bombed. We're like, you know, we didn't leave with all these people. We get into a fight in the street and, uh,

And I was like, all right, it's 4 a.m. I'm too old for this shit. I'm leaving. And she was just like, she's like, screw you. And I was like, I was like, you suck. And some guy's like, he goes, oh, Sam Morrell. And I go, this chick sucks. And he goes, well, fuck you. Suck my dick. He says, I'm like, whoa, chill out, dude.

I thought I started walking and he followed me, the guy. Oh, no. So I'm just like in a conversation with him. He's like some 20-year-old aspiring comic. And he's like, can I pick your brain? And I'm like, yeah, it's 4 a.m. and I'm shit-faced. Now seems like the right time. So I'm like, yeah, sure. So we start walking for like five blocks and I'm bombed. You know what, Lady Goods?

Let's talk it out. But we're walking, and he's like, I got a flight. Like, this has been so, I don't know what I said. I was so wasted. He's like, this has been so informative. Like, thank you. I'm like, by the way, this is like a meeting in our business. Yeah, right, right. I'm like, this is how stupid our lives are. And he's like, can I take a picture to, like, commemorate this, like, meeting or whatever? And I was just like, like, fucking hammered.

And then I talked to that girl the next day and she was like, we need to talk about what happened. You ever black out and you just don't know what happened? So I was just like, I'm trying to put together what happened because I don't remember. So I'm like, we need to talk about what you said. She's like, what did I say? I was like, you tell me. You got to tell me what you said. I don't know. I don't remember shit. Yeah. So what'd you say? What was the fight about?

I don't know. I just, I couldn't pick it. I couldn't put it together. It's so funny. I think she wanted to stay out and I was hammered. I think it was like, it was like when you're hammered and you like don't want to keep, but I've been, it's also women will fucking feed you shots. Yeah. And then they're like, yeah, I'll do it. And then they don't do it. So I'm getting bombed. Sure. And she was, you know. Oh, you're doing shots too. That's tough. I end up at all these fucking bars where like you look around and you're like, I'm the only one with gray hairs here. Yeah.

I'm too old to be here. Damn. But you're also like, fuck. Yeah, there's not a lot of people our age at beer pong bars. Yeah. I liked that the knife conversation, that wasn't the fight. No. The fight was about staying out. No, I'm intrigued. It's funny. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day about the movie Basic Instinct, and it's basically just like a cop who is turned on by the fact that this chick might murder him.

Yes. That's like you get to a kinky place at a certain point where you're like, yeah, if I get like, you know, why not? Is there a more rewound scene in American history than this movie? Yeah, but it's hard to jack off to because you keep seeing Newman's face. Every time you see a vagina, you're like fucking Newman. Yeah, I had this VHS video.

This put her on the map, baby. Yeah, but then you have to deal with Wayne Knight's sweaty face. But, you know, yeah, no, it was hot. She was so hot in this movie.

So hot. I think Sharon Stone would be a cool. We don't have enough women on the pod. That would be a cool podcast. That's an all-timer. She's got stories. Can we get Sharon Stone on? She follows Veeder. What? Yes. Of all people. Sharon Stone's a Gary Veeder fan. Wow. That's amazing. I mean, she's great in Casino, too. Oh, so good, dude. When she blows Pesci. I know. Oh, yeah. Damn, she was sexy.

Yeah, Newman really ruins this scene. The director was such an auteur, he's like, I want to make sure people don't jack off to this scene, and they actually take it in. It's Paul Verhoeven, right? Yes, yes. It's like a cool, misunderstood director. Man, Newman had a run in the 90s. This, Jurassic Park, and Seinfeld. He's great. JFK. He's a great actor. Yeah, Wayne Knight, he's really good.

Do they show it on YouTube? I guess they do. Wait, go back. It's all pubes. You can't see because the... Oh, I saw a lip. I saw a lip. Damn, that is crazy. Can you imagine getting this script and it's like, and then I show my pussy? Yeah. During an interrogation. By the way, look at the interrogation hall. It's ridiculous looking. I never noticed the lip that well. This is the best I've ever seen it. Holy shit. So apparently she said she didn't know that shot was going to be in the movie.

Oh, get out of here. That's what she said. She claimed I didn't know. And then what's her reaction to when it's in it? She said she was shocked. I'll try and find the interview. Now, is that a prosthetic clam or is that the real? I would say it's real because she said she didn't know. Yeah, but she happened to be perfectly shaved. I don't know. Seems. You do hair and makeup. Are they like trimming your pubes? Right, right. Yeah, do they powder that puss? Yeah.

Whoa! Newman! You would roll the dice. If the chick's hot enough, you're like, eh, let her kill me. Sure, with an ice pick, why not? It's hot. And it's phallic, too. Right.

Well, Douglas, he was in all the hot sex movies. Oh, dude, remember Robert Schimmel's joke from the movie Disclosure with Demi Moore? Yes. He's a joker. She goes, if you don't let me blow you, you're fired. He goes, right then the UFO should start landing. Yeah, he's in that, the one, Fatal Attraction. Yes, he's in all the- He's in all of them. He's all, my dick makes bad decisions. That's the whole genre. That's a good one.

that's a good job the fatal attraction is just like don't don't fuck crazy chicks that's the moral of the story just don't you can cheat on your wife just fucking be smart about it my dick makes bad decisions was that was like me in the 20s or in my 20s you know

That's all it was. Who had that great quote, like, your dick has taken you places, you wouldn't go without a gun? Oh, wow. I've never heard that. It's so true. You know, like, I'll go down this dark alley because I think that girl's on the other side of it, whatever. Well, it also just leads to bits. Like, I feel like my best stories in my act are, like, from just, like, following women.

Right. And just like a story. Yeah, yeah. Just like you're like, well, let's see where this goes. Yeah, my dick led me to a homeless shelter once. Really? I hooked up with a girl who was staying in a homeless shelter. Damn. Years ago, yeah. Nice. Again, four in the morning, shithoused. She was like, we can go back to my place, but I'm staying in a shelter. I was like, cab, shelter. Let's go. Step on it. Were there people around you? We banged in her...

on like on a cot in a in a shithole and i shouldn't sneak me in it was crazy damn yeah you have to like prove you're homeless yeah she put like a coat on me and makeup because i had to go in the women's section which is you hear like women crying and screaming yeah how was the smell

It wasn't great. It wasn't great. The whole thing was kind of a bummer. Damn. But I saw the homeless shelter like a week ago, just randomly. It's on Atlantic. You went back for seconds. Yeah. It's on Atlantic and I think Bedford. It's this big armory. It's crazy. But yeah. Yeah. Imagine women listening to this story being like, what the fuck is wrong with you guys? Because I've done it too. I remember like.

I went to that girl's place where the guy just showed up. I mean, but that was like a true story where like the guy just showed up and I was like, oh, this guy's going to murder me. But you're like, and you know it's a bad situation. You know it doesn't sound right, but your dick is like, eh, it'll figure itself out. Your penis is so confident that it puts you at ease. But there's like 95% of female hookups. Like a woman is like, I could die here at every single one of these.

That's fair. Yeah. Yeah. I always remind them, like, I could kill you. Yeah. Yeah, they love that. Women want to be with a guy who could kill them but won't. Yes. They don't want to be with a guy who can't kill them. Unless you're like a UFC, unless you're like a female UFC fighter, you could beat the shit out of the guy. But otherwise, it's probably uneven. That's true.

Yeah. Female UFC fighter would kill all of us. But I've hung out with UFC guys and I'm like, this guy could kill me if he wants. Oh, yeah. Good point. Good point. I'll roll the dice. They're actually the gentlest men on the planet, weirdly enough. Yeah. Like, they could kick some ass. Well, not all of them. One of them beat the shit out of that girl. Oh, really? Not all of them.

And we wonder why we don't have more female guests. We're hopeful. Sharon Stone, we won't beat your shit out of you. Come on in. We love you. No, she's great, man. She's great. Great run of movies. Yeah, we need more women. Yeah, call in. It is a sausage fest of guests. In our defense, we've tried to book Jessica Kirsten 17 times. Is she coming on? What happened with that? It's still working.

Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. She is harder to find than Amelia Earhart. Am I right? I'll tell you. Both lesbians. She had to be a lesbian, right? I don't know if that's confirmed. That jacket. Yeah, come on. Woo! Earhart!

But, yeah, we've tried a lot of women. Do women not like us? No. We got Rosebud. We got Rachel. We got Miss Pat. We have recurring women. I know, but I wish we had more. I just feel like we've tried. Short hair. There it is. That's all I need. What year is that? 20s? Oh, wow. Boy, she's a revolutionary, but not doing a great thing for female drivers. No. You know, just...

It's like the early years of the WNBA. It's like, we're not there yet. Yeah, exactly. You ever heard List's bit about, he's like, I had a female pilot the other day, which is fine. What bothered me is she had a ponytail coming out of the side of her head. He's like, that worries me. I'm not worried about the female. I'm worried about, you're too wacky to be with a pilot. I can't remember the bit. I hope I'm not.

Spoiling his act. Greg Giraldo had a great one too. Everyone in the flight heard a woman's voice and they're like, oh fuck, this is an expensive vehicle, Buttercup. Buttercup is amazing. Buttercup is fucking condescending. I got some peeves, by the way. I love a good peeve. You've been in Europe. I want to hear about it, dude. Oh, yeah.

Europe is amazing, by the way. We had a great time. I'm going off Eurex for where I go because I want to do another Euro trip. I mean, Iceland? Holy shit. The pictures you're sending me were crazy. That was number one. That was the first spot, so it was hard to beat. Why was it number one? It's just because we've all been to England. We've been to the UK, Ireland. It's not that different. It's drunks. It's fun people. It's whatever.

you know, bad food, but that's the Palladium, by the way, which is like their, their Carnegie Hall. Gorgeous. Unbelievable. Wait, where is this? The Palladium in London. Yes. That's like Lenny Bruce played. Yes. Yeah. Right in the heart of the city too. Beautiful. That's in Birmingham. No one cares, but I don't know where that was. Gorgeous.

I love those old bars, the hatchet wound. That's a good time. But yeah, that's in Iceland. So Iceland was first. It's otherworldly. It's all volcanoes and glaciers. They call it the city of fire and ice, Reykjavik.

and it's incredible. All the rocks are big and black and they got this crazy... And hard and throbbing. Yeah, big vein, Snickers bar. But this is like one random... It's all Viking shit and you can feel it in the air and the people are big and blonde and have man buns and the food is weird. Reindeer and all this shit. Have you eaten reindeer? I ate reindeer. Yeah, you gotta do it. I had fucking whale in Norway. I was like,

I'll try it once. Well, you're single now. But yeah. So, yeah, we just had a hoot and a holler. But you get pissy on the road because your creature comforts aren't there. Yeah. So, like, first of all, they don't have drip coffee.

There's no drip coffee anywhere outside of America. So would you order a flat white? You got to get a flat white or an Americano, which I hate. I know. You do feel like an American piece of trash because I have the same problem. I'm used to just like drip coffee with a splash of whole milk. Yeah, but it's the best. You go to a diner, you get the lady with the pencil in her ear, report. They can't do that there. They must look at that as just garbage. I guess. I think, yeah. But dude, I'm the same way. I'm traveling. I go to every...

You get a coffee and you're like, flat white. I don't even know what this shit is. It's all milk. It's all milk. It's all milk. So then you got to get an espresso if you want to just have the coffee. But then you're just drinking this fucking tiny. Yeah, I like I like what I like. Yeah. And it behooves you to have multiple different. You know, it's an international city. Give me some drip.

We show up to Europe, we're like, I'd like a Dunkin' Donuts. Would it kill you to have a Dunkin' Donuts? Yeah. Well, I took a stand after a while. They're like, we have Americano, and I would walk out. I just couldn't do it anymore. I hate Americano. I don't like Americano. And it's named after us. I know. So we got to name it after us. Get the drip. But it must be Italian Americano. Do you know what it is? What? Actually, I know the history of it. It's from World War II.

when our soldiers went over there and they served us espressos. And we're like, where's the coffee? They're like, this is it. They're like, add water to it. Is that right? And they called it Americanos because we were American. So, yeah, it is American, I guess. Well, they steal all our movies and music. Get the drip. Just steal another thing. I remember Richard Jennings used to have a joke how we Americanize all their stuff about how they have the croissant. We go, eat your croissant with your fat piece of shit. Oh, that's funny. But, dude, yeah, I...

I do miss like that's like the most basic shit I miss when I'm in Europe. It's the same with Australia. They don't do just drip. They don't do drip. So get the drip. That's an American thing. Yeah. I bet it'll catch on if they bring it over there. I love diner coffee. I love. Me too. I mean that was one of my favorite things about the road is when you just show up at like a spot you just get like

Five cups. Yes. They just keep filling you up. Keep filling you up your whole day. You didn't even drink coffee when I met you. That's true. I was blown. Mark was like a guy who was like a comedian who doesn't drink. Our hours are so fucking wacky. Yeah. And it helps a hangover like a motherfucker. Oh, dude. I'll tell you what's helping that hangover is that fucking cold plunge, baby. Oh.

Not too bad. Yeah, I got to set that up. That and some coffee. I'm fucking back, baby. Although I was down for the count on Sunday. I was fucking out. After the fight? I was supposed to look at places with Stavi.

And I was like, buddy, I'm not, I can't move. And he was like, I get it. He was like, I know. I've been there. But I, you know, I was like, I can't, I had to go to fucking Brooklyn to see family. And I was like, I was like, am I going to puke in this cab ride to Brooklyn? What's your move? Cause we're getting older. Yeah. I'm, you know, forties now when I'm dead hung over, I'm like, I'm praying to God. I'm on my knees. I'm like, please take this away from me. I need some, some help. So I do coffee, uh,

Big meal, like big greasy meal.

What's your order? A huge shit. I'll do like the classic, like the lumberjack. Give me eight eggs, a sausage, bacon, potato, pancake. Go nuts. And eight coffees. Chinese food's always good. Spicy. I like spicy when I'm hungover. Yeah, coffee. Some fucking Chinese food. A big dump really clears you out. Yeah. That helps. I like all that. Yeah, that's kind of the move at this point. You just kind of have to accept it. We're at the point where it's like, yeah, that's that. Yeah.

Yeah. And also, it's like in you for a couple days where you're just like sad. Yes. It'll be like two days later. I'm like, why am I sad? Yeah, the anxiety is brutal. Because I'm fucking flushing. Dude, it's also... I can't drink with people that do shots anymore. I have a system. I know what I can drink. I know how to pace myself. I also...

I got trapped in a bar the other night because the rain just came down. I was like, I guess I'm drinking until this rain stops because I don't want to walk home in this shit. And I did. Yeah. And that was another fucking mistake. Wow. That's hilarious. Why'd you hit that woman? It was raining. I was stuck. So Reykjavik is incredible. It's incredible. Me and Sean Murphy, first of all, the show is bananas. The crowds are incredible. No one goes there, I guess. And then. How big is Reykjavik?

Like, what's the population? I'd say like 400K, something like that. It's like a village, you know? And we went to the sauna. This is called the Sky Lagoon. It's on top of a mountain. It's 15 minutes outside the city. It's one of those things, you know, like, should we do this? I'm kind of lazy, and I'm so glad we did it. There's a bar behind me. There's

There's a bar edged into the rock where you can sit in the water. The water is very warm and the air is freezing. I love that shit. And you can sit. I drank a couple beers at the bar, nursed the hangover. Then you do a cold plunge. Then you do a sauna. Then you cover yourself in this milky, salty shit that exfoliates you. From the big black thing. Yeah, exactly. And then you get back in the sauna and you kind of like marinate in this stuff.

And it goes into your skin and it feels all good. Then you shower. Then you go back in the sauna. It's incredible. Wow. It was so cool. What a day. I highly recommend it. I want to do it. Yeah. And then what about, where else did you hit? So then we went to England. England.

Birmingham, Bristol. Bristol's where Banksy's from. So we went to all the old Banksy's on the wall, like back when he was like an open miker. Oh, that's a great one. What was that one back there? Was that Amsterdam? No, that was London. Oh, that's Birmingham or Bristol. Bristol's cool. It's kind of like Madison. It's a college town, but it's very artsy. Cool. And Russell Howard is from there. Steve Merchant's from there. Banksy's from there. Yeah, so it's like a very art town. I've never been. But Cardiff.

is in Wales. So we took a train from Birmingham to Cardiff. So you got to... Wales is like its own thing. They call themselves... They're like, we're not English. We're Welsh. Fuck you. Yeah. And it's kind of like Long Island where they're fatter...

uglier, drunker, thicker accent. It was so fun. The women look like whores. They're covered in makeup, caked in makeup, crazy, like Bozo the Clown. And the crowd was great, but you can't even understand these people. The accent is so thick. We show up. We took a train. It was like a three-hour train ride. Yeah, I'm hungover, whatever. Hour one, hour two, hour...

Two and a half. All these people come on the train. They're all shit-faced. All these women are like, ah, good day, mate. Scoot over, you f***ing man. You're like, Jesus Christ, what's all this about? There was a rugby game in town. Oh, no. So all the yokels from the outside towns were going into Cardiff. Look at that. That was a Saturday night.

That was me and Stavros. No, I'm just kidding. Damn. We were there on a Friday. We show up. There's a rugby game going on, and the whole town was abuzz. Every fucking pub was full. It was like 11 a.m. It was crazy. And the show was killer, and we just walked around and had people watching at night and got a donor, you know, donor.

Oh, kebab? Yes. I love a good kebab. Love it. Love it. That's big out there. Oh, yeah. That's the way of the Brits and I guess the whales as well. Yeah. Yeah. So then we left there, went to London, and London's just fucking great. London's awesome. Awesome. It feels like New York. So how many places did you hit? Was that it? Then I did Scotland. I did Glasgow. How was that? Killer. Glasgow's great. But again, they heckle you, and it's this guy who sounds like Groundskeeper Willie. I know. He's like, I got it.

And you're like, what? I don't know what you said. That's what happened to me in Belfast. I was like, huh? Oh, you did Belfast? Yeah. Oh, that's where I ended. That was great, too. Did you get the pizza? I did. That guy's great, right? He sent one to the room. It's great, right? So I ate it. Yeah, thank you, sir. Flout. Great pie. What, did he make you a New Haven style or what? Sicilian, actually, which was a little much. Yeah. But I ate it before the show and after the show. Dude, yeah, Belfast is cool. And...

Yeah, but the heckling. I can't understand a fucking word. No, no. They're like, we just had Jeff R. Curry. He couldn't do the crowd work. That's how you neutralize him. Yeah, exactly. Where are you from? Ah, fuck.

And then you're like, can they understand me? I can't understand them. So you're like, so I was at the mall. You're trying to really enunciate. They're like, this guy, we don't hear a word he's saying. What the fuck is this? Yeah, no, I got to do another. I mean, you're smart. You hit a lot of places I didn't hit. I was like, maybe I'd go back and do something like that because I just love the change of scenery and I love mixing it up. So, yeah, I'm thinking maybe end of –

some point but we gotta fucking film this movie too so we'll see we'll see what happens well oh that's right yeah good point but we're gonna have to end up canceling either way we're gonna we're gonna have to end up canceling gigs we'll reschedule them we can always go back yeah we get this movie's gotta get done gotta make we're gonna make it you know how Hollywood is or whatever it doesn't if you don't just do it

It'll just, oh, I have a meeting about the next time we shoot, then another meeting, and then a Klan meeting, and it's too much. Oh, dude, it's like, you know, we got Yom Kippur's right around the corner. Like, I think it's a few months away, and they're like, and after that, MLK? I'm like, that's a year. That's about a year, you just said. Exactly. Dude, they take the longest... I swear to God, if there's...

Memorial Day turns into three weeks with these people. Totally. I've never seen... These people go on fucking, you know, five maternity leaves. They have two kids. It's fucking amazing. If you follow any of these people on Instagram, they're always in Turks and Caicos. Right. They're always on vacation. Right. And we're just like, what? No wonder shit never gets done. I know. Because all we do is work and all these people do is fucking play. They play and then they're like, oh, we have to go down to scout. Like, they'll make a meal out of like, we're scouting this location and that means we're going to be in Miami for four months. Yeah. Wait, what?

That's crazy. Send a guy. It's always a fun place to scout. Yeah, always. They're never like, I got to pop into Gaza for this new movie. It's always fucking South Beach. Dude, you know, it's amazing because I...

I have a thing I'm trying to develop and it's like, they're like, I'm like the meetings three and a half weeks away. They're like, that's really good for them. And I'm like, that's good. Meanwhile, this thing I'm just making is so satisfying because I'm just making it and I don't have to wait on anyone except my friends who are like, you know, your friends will do you favors. I'll be like, whatever you need. I'll, I'll bend over backwards. Like, you know, uh, so the same way we do favors for friends, you know, you,

With comics, we're so used to doing shit work for like nothing. Right. That if it's your friend, you're like, yeah, gladly. I don't give a shit. Sure. I know, but they don't have that. Yeah, well, that's why it's crumbling. That's why it's crumbling, but it's amazing. Any movie's been made. I see a movie and I'm like, how did that get made?

I know. But just think, it was probably four years in the making. Every story you hear is like, it took seven years to get done. I'm like, well, maybe that should be an indictment on the system and not a positive story. Exactly. I remember at the comic strip, they used to have a thing, the comic strip comedy club, they used to have a thing like, Chris Rock, we used to make him wash dishes for stage time here. I'm like,

Maybe you shouldn't be bragging about that. Maybe you should have recognized that this guy had a lot of talent. Well, it took Eddie Murphy to go put this guy on. So you're like, it proves your point. You need a friend or a wash dishes or clean ship, whatever it was. I don't remember, but I know he had to move chairs. Sam, who gave you a break?

Early on. A break? I don't think, I don't know of any one person. You remember someone being like, well, Jim Jeffries used you a little bit. Yeah, no, I mean, it was a bunch of people. But that's my point. It's not one person. It's not a break. It's not like in the movies where they're like, kid, you got, I mean. Right, right. You know. That's rare. That's a Weinstein moment. Yeah. Weinstein, yeah. He gave me a back rub. Yeah. He ate my fucking asshole, dude. Hey.

Hey. I don't have a pussy, but he's, you know, he. He sounds like a hell of a guy. Yeah. Good dude. Good dude. Well, you know, Candace Owen's whole thing is that he's innocent. She's doing. Oh, really? She's doing a whole thing about he's, he's completely innocent. We're like, okay. I mean. Well, she's got some Kanye in her where she's like, oh,

I'm not going to wear a Klan hood, but I'll say the craziest thing, and that'll be my move. Yeah, yeah. Because we're talking about it right now. Exactly. So it works. Yeah. You heard it here, guys. Weinstein's innocent. Yeah, there you go. All right, I got some peeves. I want to hear some peeves. How about this?

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Oh, I saw the edit. He'll write the old word that you misspelled, like the way you spelled it. You're like, what are you getting out of this? I used the wrong there. I didn't strangle a hooker. Yes, exactly. What is this? This is your day. You're like my third grade teacher with a red line. Like, ah, see me after class. No, I misspelled it. I saw that. I caught it and I re-spelled it. Get out of here. It's the same type of person who writes first.

Oh, yeah. You need attention. That at least is not like needling. Right, right. He's just like, I'm first. It's still sad and the guy's a loser. But the spelling guy, you're like, what are you doing? Yeah. It's a weird one. I think they feel like they're special. Like, I got you. I caught it. Yeah. Now what I've been doing, and I probably shouldn't give away my secrets, but I've been putting fuck-ups on purpose. For the engagement? For the engagement. Ooh.

I put a... I'm doing Portchester. All your fans think you're a retard? This guy's dumb as shit. They already thought that. But I've been putting a... I'm going to Portchester. And I was like, where's Portchester? And it's like right above the Bronx. So I go, hey, I'm going upstate, everybody. And every single comment... You can pull this up on my Instagram. Every single comment is like, that's not upstate, you idiot. Hey, upstate, what are you, crazy? Wow. It's 10 feet above the Bronx, you retard. And I'm like, great, keep them coming. I bet that show sells out.

Damn, that's a cool venue too, isn't it? What's it called again? I don't know. I played there once. It was cool. I think it's the Upstate Theater. Yeah. No, I'm just kidding. Upstate Theater. It's an ad. It's an ad I made on Facebook, but every comment is literally like... That's fucking smart, though. It's not Upstate. It's not Upstate. It's working. Goddamn. No one cares about the ads. So how about this one? More peeves. I like it. How about the guy who...

Can't accept a compliment because he's doubling down on how I should be thanking him more. I'll give you an example. You go, hey, man, that was a really good layup you did. He goes, yeah, it's me.

Of course it was a great layup. I'm doing the layup. I'm the layup guy. And you're like, I'm just giving you a compliment. Now I'm like, I know, I know you're the layup guy. So like you couldn't take the compliment. You had to like triple down on it. So now I'm like blowing you even more. I hate that guy. Take the compliment or don't. That's Gary with food. I'm like, this is a good meal. He's like,

I'm the fucking meal guy. He does that. Would you expect me to do that? Not only that, I fucking pay for the fucking $500 meal. And everyone's like, Gary, thank you so much. You're the meal guy. Thank you so much. Yes, exactly. Thanks for picking this. You did such a good job choosing. Yeah, of course I did. Who else would pick this meal? This is my thing. I'm just saying. It's a good meal.

Sorry, I brought it up. Yeah, it's like their ego is so big that they can't even accept a compliment. He's almost mad at me for complimenting him as if he's like, yeah, you didn't expect this? I'm the best. Yes, yes. I'm like, I got it. I got it. I'll never compliment you again. So that guy I hate. That's a good peeve. These are good peeves. All right, I got one more. And they're specific. All right, I wonder if I have any. Well, I've been gone in my head for so long, so you're just, you know, taking in the world. But this is an object.

Enough. And see if you can find this. I'm putting an end to this. Let's put this to bed. The lamp where the flip switch is on the cord. Oh. You know what I mean? We got a lamp on this table. There's a cord going down to the wall. And you got to follow the cord.

Like a fucking magician with the strings or the rope. That's a great peeve. Now, I'll take it a step further. When there's like a weird random light switch somewhere on the table, that's like a little light that you can't find. I had to call the front desk and be like, I'm sorry, but like where I can't turn the light. It's like right in my eye. It's like a sharp. Yes. Like what? Where is this?

And she goes, we get this call all the time. And I'm like, well, then maybe fix it. Maybe change the switch. Maybe enough with this buggy. Which it wasn't her decision. Sorry, man. I'm like, you stupid bitch. She's like, no, I'm on your side. I'm like, oh, sorry. Yeah. I also hate the lamp you have to touch to turn on and off. Oh, that takes a while to figure out. You're like, did it do it? It's like the clip. Was that too much? Jesus Christ. What the hell's going on? Exactly.

At least the lamp I can see. But with the cord. Honestly, I couldn't find either without calling for help. But the cord thing, the cord tends to be behind the couch, behind the table. So I'm doing a Kaepernick. I'm on one knee and I'm like a kid in a cave trying to find my way out with the rope. It's fucking brutal. It's like Goonies. It's Goonies. Put it right here. Dude, I got to pee if.

And it's a positive, but then it turns into a peeve. I love a woman who's never on the phone. It's such a positive thing. Oh, that's hot. She's never on the phone. She's never checking. But then here's the peeve. They never answer their texts because they never check their phone. You can't have it both ways. So that's... I got another one. That's good. So then here's...

Here's the other one. I mean, this is... You ever have someone just explaining again and again to you how something's bad for the environment, and they do like a 15... They'll give me like a 15-minute spiel on like, we're on the tour bus, the vent, they're like, you got to close the vent when you're sleeping. You know that little vent that gives you air? Yes. And you're like, oh, okay, you got to close that vent when you sleep. You don't want that in your face. I'm like, why? And they give me like a 10-minute speech on pollution, how all it's the bad stuff in the road. And finally, I was just like...

But I was like, yeah, I like it. It's a cool breeze in my face. I like it. Yeah. I'm keeping it on. Keep it on. I kept that. It was hot in there. So I got the pollution in my face for 11 days. So it wasn't like a climate change thing. It was like you're taking in bad. It's unhealthy. It's probably rotting my skin. But you know what? It was a cool breeze. I liked it. You need the breeze. I like a cool breeze. I'm with you. I'm with you. And hey, this is America. Let me put pollution up my ass if I want to. I think the peeve is just.

people who worry too much. Yeah, I guess so. Eventually, their boundary-less anxiety is pushed onto you, and I'm like, I don't care. Right. I don't give a fuck. Right. I'm already on a road diet, sleeping on a tour bus. I'm already unhealthy. Exactly, exactly. Things are already, like, who gives a fuck about some air? Yes, yes. Maybe the poison I'm drinking every night is the worst problem. Hey, poison we're selling. Yeah! Bodega Cat whiskey, baby. Oh, God.

Good poison right there. Everyone's saying that young people aren't drinking, but I got to tell you, I'm walking around the city. The bars are packed. Bars are full. I completely agree. You know, I think it's less like, I think it's less social. You know, the kids can't get together because they can't make eye contact. I had a thought the other day, and tell me where you're at on this there, Fatty.

Bands are going to go away. Oh, because people aren't hanging. People aren't hanging. You need to have six friends to drop off. You get into a garage for nine hours just ding, ding, tick, tick, hitting the drums and all that shit. That's going away because, hey, why would I practice in a garage when I can just look at TikTok? Yes. And you have the dynamics of a personality where you guys don't gel, but you've got to make up again. That's all going to go away. And technology is going to come in.

It's already in. I get a bass board or an electric whatever. I can make up all the sounds on my laptop.

why would I learn the guitar or the drums? Yes, the people just have a fucking AI keyboard type thing and you're like, I'll fucking, I'll just sing and I'll use the AI. Exactly. But there's no drama, although now the drama instead of like Slash and Axl having beef, it's like you and a fucking robot. Yeah. We couldn't make it work. He was too fucking stiff. Yeah, right. My battery died. I couldn't find an outlet. Yeah, so that's, I think bands are going to go away.

That's my theory. I think people still need entertainment and people still will learn. I think it's cool when a parent pushes an instrument on a kid as long as they're not like a crazy. It's like discipline. It teaches you how to. So I think that's cool. And then maybe early on you realize that the kid is a prodigy. I think people will still love music. I don't think bands will ever go away for real. I think people love music, but I think convenience always wins. So I think people are going to tend to go to the –

music, what do you call that thing? Those boxes, they make like Reggie Watts thing, you know? It just makes up, it's like a drum machine or whatever. Right, right. Or a laptop where they'll just make beats and they'll make, I'll just put a guitar in, you know? I'll put a guitar sound right here. I don't need to actually play the guitar or learn a guitar or be in a band with a guy with a guitar. Yeah, you like learn, it's easier to learn software than an instrument. Yes, yes, exactly. I know you, man. I watch the Avicii doc, you see that? What's that? Woo!

He's a DJ, and I hate DJs. I hate techno. I hate all that shit. But the doc is fascinating. This guy, he's made songs that are huge, and we all know them, and I didn't know he made them. Wow. So he's like a fucking legend, this guy, but he killed himself because he was depressed. I feel like a lot of DJs kill themselves. Yeah. Or OD. I think it's these crazy hours. Yep, yep, exactly. Oh, yeah, you're partying late. I mean, and also, like, think about, like,

We have to kind of be connected. You can get fucked up. I mean, you have to still be like... Good point. But you can just get like... Think of all the uppers are probably on too to be doing that shit till 5 a.m. And then you can't just go to sleep. No. Think about how wired we are after a set. Right. If you get off work at 5 a.m.,

What are you going to bet at, like 10 a.m.? Yeah. Also, we hit the booze, maybe. These guys are doing molly, coke, meth, crank, ketamine, all this shit, because it's the drug scene. It's the party scene. It's a rave. It's techno. But the guy's a genius. Is it a wreck? Oh, yeah, I reckon. That wasn't my wreck, but I reckon. Just as an artist or a comedian, it was fun to watch this guy just spiral into hell. Nice. Very good. Nice.

I got a peeve. Please. The you never know guy. Oh, yeah. You know what? You'll never get attacked by an old Asian lady on the street.

You never know. That's enough of that. Yeah. I'm with you. So you're just killing the whole story? I hope you get attacked by an old Asian lady on the street on the way home. You give her one can, you're fine. But, yeah, no, that is annoying because it just negates everything you just said. You never know. Yeah, Gary Goldman had a great bit back in the day. Sometimes you know. Right, right.

What was that one? He goes, hey, Gary, it adds up. He's like, actually, it only adds up if you add it up. He's some guy. He's got some gold. Great jokes. But my rec is the Nathan Fielder new rehearsal. It's amazing. Hey, man, this guy is on another level. He makes me feel like a fraud as a comedic person. He's so unique and weird and abstract. And I'm sure not everyone gets it.

But if you get it, it is a beautiful thing. Do you have to see season one to see season two? No, not at all. All right, I'm going to check it out. I feel like we have to watch Nathan For You first. Maybe. I love that show. You love it already? I love Nathan For You. Then you can jump right into this. But if I just said to someone who's never seen that, watch this, they'll be like, I'm lost. This is too insane. Sure. It's so out of pocket, this guy. Yeah.

You don't have to watch the first season, but you have to know who he is and what he does. The things you can pull comedy from, it's really impressive. Like this guy, the fact that he's even famous is also crazy because he's so different. And I could see a pitch meeting going real south with this guy. I pitch shit that's way more mainstream and people are like, that's horrible.

But he's just... This guy's just such a brilliant comedy mind. He's also so good at not breaking. Like, I would love to see the behind-the-scenes footage of him break. Because you know he breaks sometimes. So true. No, it's not... Because occasionally he's got to meet someone who's just so weird. But, yeah, the way he just stays... I mean, when he has the nail salon with the valet... Yes, yes. I mean, shit like that where you're just like, oh, my God. Like, he just stays fucking...

It's like when we would do morning TV and you're like, just don't fucking break. I think of guys like this or guys like Sacha Baron Cohen back in the day, what he would do. But he's just so unique. Oh, I wrote another joke about ball sacks, and then this guy's doing this crazy, abstract, original humor. All right, all right. But yeah, that's my big wreck. This season tops the first season, I think, by far. And they're both great, but I'm just saying, this one is on another level.

So, yeah, big wreck. And the studio, I'm loving that show, too. I got to give it a watch. Yeah, man, my wreck is, dude, we just watch a lot. I mean, it's obvious, but we've been watching a lot of just classics when we're on the bus late at night. We've rewatched South Park bigger, longer. Oh, yeah. It's the best. Can't beat it. It's incredible. It holds up.

whatever 25 years later so hard it's like they don't make enough good comedies anymore no rewatch it it's so good if you haven't seen it definitely watch it it's like the fact that they just went balls to the wall to make it a musical yeah and the fact that every song is hilarious yep and also good yep

And it's like a Dave Attell where it's dirty but smart. I love it. Yeah. You know? I would kill me. Team America would say the same thing. Agree. They know what they're doing. Obviously, they have a sex scene between two puppets, but they're heightening it and making it really long on purpose. So good. They're pros, those guys.

pause it for a sec i got another peeve when people this is reminding me another peeve when people will like show a video of some actor who's like older now he's been out of the spotlight they're like look how old he is oh yeah that's how fucking time i know i hate that that's what the fucking the new york post will do that shit all the time yes yes or uh i saw an in touch magazine they're like look how old jack nichols it is you're like yeah he's 80 he's 88 or something yeah well what are we what are we doing here

Yeah. I love when they do the, they're aging gracefully. You're like, no, he looks like the Crypt Keeper. We all know that, but just let the man die. He's awesome. He met his match. I mean, this is like the Nathan, but from the convenience store side. Right, right. That's fucking crazy. There's almost like a little Chris DiStefano in that guy. He's like, yeah, I drink some pee. I drink some fucking pee. Yeah. It's great. It's good stuff. Right, right.

God, drinking pee would be fucking bad. You ever tasted it? I must have. I've tasted it. It is a weird, sour tang that is unmatched. Sounds kind of good. It's bad. It's bad. How did you drink pee? Well, we had no running water, no plumbing in our house when we moved in, so we'd have to pee in cups.

And so one time I peed in a cup, I left it out and I was like, what is this, apple juice? And I took a swig and I went, oh, I forgot I pissed in this cup five hours ago. I did the same thing with cum. We ran out of yogurt and I was like, what is that, fucking, what is that, Siggy's? I just fucking chugged my own cum. It was fucking horrible. Greek yogurt. But, uh,

Yeah, man. That was the gag back in the day. You'd be like lemon-lime Gatorade, remember? You'd just pee in it and get someone to try to drink it. Yeah, well, pee has a weird tint to it. It's like an orangey, almost. It's not good. No, it's not good. You ever pee in the morning and you're like, damn, this piss is way too dark. Yeah, what is that? I think you've got to drink more water. You're not drinking enough water. Your piss should be clear.

Clear. Clear. Clear. Wow. No, it's not. My pee is not clear. No. My pee is... My pee is like Donald Trump's skin. It's fucking... It is no nutrients in there. Yeah. Dehydrated. Well, I drink too much coffee, too.

Coffee will get you diuretic. But, dude, I drank so much since I've been back. I was on the road, and by the end of the run, I'm just like, I'm tired. I'm just going to do two shows. I just start pounding whiskey. I'm just like, fuck it. I'll just get drunk. And the shows end up, I make it through the shows because I'm like feeling, you just have to manage those, the highs, the lows, like coffee before, booze during, the new crash. But then you come back, and you're like, oh, my God, I'm home. I've got to get fucking hammered.

Yeah. You know, and there's always someone. That's the thing about our jobs. There's always someone out who's willing to drink with you. Boy, you got that right. You ever, where you at on drinking on a plane? I try not to because it's for work, but God, it's good. It's so good. They bring it to you. It's a bar in the sky, basically. And it tastes better. Like, you ever have a Bloody Mary on a flight? It's something about tomato juice in the air. That's true. It's so good. Also, dude, you just like, I don't know, you just get like a...

Jack and Coke on a flight. Oh, yeah. Something so damn, you feel so damn American. You feel American. You feel like Draper. Yeah. It is nice. And if you could imagine, we'd still smoke on there and slap the- We'd get a Seagram's and soda. Yeah. Does it hit different? Because I know when I watch a movie and I'm emotional on a plane, I haven't ever drank on a plane. Does it hit different? Yeah. Oh, yeah, it does. Do you cry? Oh, yeah. I cry on the ground. But-

But also, when you land, you're in this euphoric, boozy buzz. Where you land, you're like, whoa, I'm ready to get that Uber. It's not a chore. It's a chore later when you're at the hotel and you're like...

If I fly in to a gig the night early, it's very hard not to have a couple on there. It is. But, I mean, I'll mix it up. Sometimes I'll just be like, fuck it, I'm going to get like a random drink. I'll get like a vodka soda splash of crayon. I'm like, let me fucking mix it up a little bit. Yeah, why not? You're 10,000 feet. Sometimes I'll get a fucking screwdriver. I'm like, what the hell? Why not? I love a screwdriver. Yeah, what the? Sometimes you just mix it up. Mm-hmm.

Because you think about the shit you drank when you were a kid, and you're like, that's what you drink when you get that shitty-ass vodka. Yeah. And just mix it with OJ. You're like, oh, we're getting, oh, my God. Fuck, did you ever make some sangria when you were young?

Oh, man. When I was first moved here, 2007, 2008, I was like 22, 23. I worked at the New York Film Academy. And the guy who was my, what do you call it, my upper senior, he's like my- Your supervisor? Supervisor. Yeah. He was a big booze bag. So he would go, once I was there like a year and he felt comfortable with me, he was like, you want to pop out for lunch and get two beers each at Shades of Green? You know Shade of Green on, what is that, 16th Street? What's that?

Because the New York Film Academy was on Park Ave and whatever, 18th. So we'd go to Shades of Green, we'd chug two pints, and it was just the right amount where you're not stumbling at work, but you're like, ooh, man, I'm feeling good. And I'd be typing like, woo-hoo.

life's all right you know i was 23 years old it was great but when you hit that right buzz oh that's that is a cool bar that's the one when you get that right buzz and you're just like fucking but then the problem is maintaining that exactly that's i mean that movie another round i think i love that you gotta finish it it's so fucking good one of my faves but uh but yeah maintaining that buzz that's the issue it's like it's a fucking dance i'm just being out like you know

I'm at the game. I'm like fucking, you know, having a few scotch and sodas. I'm like fucking, you know, I'm like, oh, I'm feeling good. But then the Knicks start losing. Yeah. Not in this game. This game, I didn't even drink at this game. I was flying high. That was the one night last week I didn't drink. Right. But I was at the other game, and I'm just like pounding. And then the Knicks start losing. I'm like, mm, start pouring a little heavy. Yeah. Then we come back. I'm like, we're coming back. I start pouring a little heavier. Yeah.

What the hell? Any reason and pour. Yeah, any reason. You can pour on a good, pour on a bad. That's the problem with booze. Or the great thing about booze. Yeah, something about a scotch and soda just...

It's easy to get fucking bombed on. It goes down to scotch and ginger, too. There's nothing wrong with that. Yeah, whiskey ginger, Santino. Oh, yeah, that's right. Whiskey ginger. Yeah, drinking is fun. Drinking's great. But don't you feel like you've mastered it as an adult? Like, we've drank so much. We've blacked out so much. I mean, sure. I did until over the weekend. Every once in a while, I have a slip up. You need that every now and then. It's when shots come into the equation. That's bad. When I'm just drinking regularly, I'm fine. But when people start...

It's always that one fucking person like, come on, I'm going to do it. And I got to just be smart enough to be like, well, I'm not. I know. I'm going to sip. But once one person's an idiot, and then, of course, they disappear sometimes. And then you're just like, well, what happened to them? Right. But I'm stuck feeling like shit now. You know what else sucks about shots? Shots are always a problem. But when there's rules with it, like if somebody will give me a shot, I'm like, whoa. And he goes, you got to wait for me. I'm like, what are we, dating? Come on. Do the shot. Or like they do this shit.

I'm like, oh, I didn't know we did the table tap move. It's too much. I was in a bar and some guy walked up to me. I guess he likes our pod. And he just, it was like a young kid. He must have been like 24 or something. He takes a Guinness. He puts it here and he goes and just chugs it in front of me. Like this. It was like...

God bless them. Yeah, have fun out there kids, but do that drink to drink I know well It's like the huge that they're at the age where they can do that and back but dude guys who put ice in their mouth when they eat pussy So then yeah, I'm at the cellar they're bringing a shot they're like this big I

And I'm like, they're like, we're hooking you guys up. And I'm like, you're killing me is what you're doing. You're going to kill me. Yeah, hook me up with a colostomy bag and IV tomorrow and a handy. Oof. And then it's not to mention the diarrhea. Yeah, the diarrhea. People don't mention the diarrhea, but when you get to a certain age, it's like, eh, get the runs. It's true. It's not good. It's bad. It's real bad. And my shits the next day are like...

Flint mixed with ink mixed with soft serve.

It's a horrible combination. It sounds kind of tasty at the end. I could go for some soft serve. But it's like the blackest thing you've ever seen, and I've been to Atlanta. Like a Spike Lee movie in the early 90s. Exactly. Yeah. It just sits in the toilet like pudding. There's no form to it. All right, we're getting too graphic. It's bad, yeah. Why don't we have more female guests? Yeah.

We need some women. Sharon Stone. I love that we went from like we can't get any women to like we should get Sharon Stone. Yeah, that's a good point. I love that that was our logical next step. We should get one of the biggest actresses of all time on. We can't even get Jessica Kirsten. We should get Nancy Pelosi in here. We can learn a lot about the insider trading. We can't get any women. You know who I'd like to have on? Catherine Zeta-Jones. Can we get her?

Can we get Madeline Albright? Is she alive? I think she just died. I think she just died, yeah. R.I.P. Mark, you just got back from Europe.

working on any new stuff out there? Well, that's the problem. Everybody goes, oh, you came to Europe, you must have all this gold. But I got one bit idea that I think I told you about on the phone. I tried it last night. It did okay. Maybe we can punch it up because it needs more. But I'm pretty gluten intolerant. Yeah. You know? And so...

certain shit you know has gluten in it. Bread, pizza, croissant. All right, it's obvious. But gluten is also sneaky. It's in beer. It's in soup. It's in all this other shit. We don't know it. And I go, it must be what an anti-Semite feels like. Because usually you can tell who's Jewish, but sometimes they fool you. Now I'm at a dinner party and I'm like,

half an hour in like, there's Jew in this? What the hell? You didn't tell me. Your friend's like, whoa, what's your problem? You're like, I'm intolerant. I can't digest these people. Yeah, it's like being an anti-Semite. Because you never know. Yeah, where you're just like, you're a Jew? Right, right. Then the twist could be like, I'm complaining at this dinner party and then I'm like, maybe I'm the Jew. Also, it could be like, it makes my stomach hurt. It makes me sick. Yeah, uncomfortable. Right.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but there's no... Maybe the Nazis, they were getting the nutrition facts. That was in the papers. They were like, let me see if there's Jew in this. The Bursa Divot's kind of like the nutrition facts where it tells you what's in it. Or 23andMe, maybe, is like the nutrition facts. But I think there's something funny about having to feel it out.

Oh, because you have to like feel out like with the food, you just ask the person. Right. But with with with them, you're just like, I have to. Really, we have to do is you have to say something messed up about Jews and

And then they're like, hey. And you're like, I knew it. Right, right. That's why I'm feeling bad. Although I guess it wouldn't just be a Jew who would be bothered by it. I don't know. I'm thinking of an angle here. Yeah, yeah. But the first part's working. So I got to just expand on it. Yeah, I have a gluten joke. Oh, yeah? I hooked up with a girl who was gluten free. And I go, it's fine. But it's never the only thing. Hmm.

It's never like that. I'm gluten-free, and I'm not annoying in any other way. Right. So I was like, I'm gluten-free, and here's eight other irritating attributes. That's true. And she fucked like she was gluten-free. I was going down there for like 10 minutes, and I was like, nothing. And she goes, not yet. And I was like, I feel like if you ate bread, you would have come by now. It's doing all right. Yeah, yeah. It's doing pretty well. Is that why I'm not risen? All right. Sorry.

Yeah, yeah. Also, gluten, another thing is people give it to you. If you've got a heroin problem, you don't go to a restaurant, they just put a basket of heroin on the table.

You know, like you're always being tempted when you're gluten intolerant. You go to any restaurant and that's the first thing that comes out. Exactly. But gluten's also not as addictive as heroin. Of course, of course. But I think there's something too like you don't know. Yeah. Like I ate a bowl of soup and you're like, oh, there's gluten in the soup. I had to Google it. You don't know until later. Right. That might be it. You don't know until later. Maybe HPV. Yeah, it could be like an STD. There's something there. Like I found out.

After the fact. Right, right. Yes, you find out on the toilet. You fucking liar. Yeah, like... Going to the bathroom, like, uh-huh. What do you feel when you eat it? You feel, like, crazy bloated. Like, I eat one pancake, and I'm like, this... My stomach feels this big, and you just feel weighed down.

And then you get the diarrhea. So you can't eat pizza? I still do it. I still do it. I push through. Yeah, you ate pizza at my place the other night. Yeah, I mean, I love pizza. I love pancakes. I love all that shit. Maybe that's an angle, too. I still do it. It's kind of funny. Like, I still do it and just deal with the consequences. Right, right. Yeah, I'm not gay, but I still do it. Yeah. My ass is killing me. Well, if you're going the STD angle, it's like...

Yeah, I'm not going to quit fucking... I'm not going to quit fucking... I'm not going to wear a condom. Yeah, I'm not going to wear a condom. Right, right. Yeah, that's true. Well, we both know a guy who's got herpes, and him and his wife make it work. Yeah. I'm sure she... I like that you said we both know, like they're not going to put it together in the comments. I wonder who that could be. First. He's vocal about it. First, yeah. It's about herpes with two Ps, you fucking asshole. Yeah.

All right. What do you got? I had a, what do I have? I mean, the crazy girl was a big one. I had one about, I was talking to a girl and she was kind of, I don't know where to go with this exactly, but like she was kind of crazy. And I was like, you know, you start a fight with me like every five minutes. And she goes, well, if you start dating me, then I'll, then

And I was like, is that how it works? Like you go to a car dealership and the car just explodes. And he's like, you got to buy this now. Right. That's not it. But it's like that's like I feel like the angle. Totally the angle. That's a great angle. Yeah. Something about that. Like if I start dating you, it's going to get better. What are you kidding? You're fighting with me now. No, this is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. Right. Exactly. This is when it's supposed to be good. Yeah. It's like you shit your pants in a job interview and you're like nothing.

Oh, yeah. It's kind of like you break it, you bought it. You know, like, well, if it's already broken, I don't want to buy it. I don't want to own this thing. Yeah, there's something there for sure.

Yeah. Man, crazy people are entertaining. They really are. That's why we like Charlie Sheen and P. Diddy. I mean, it's fun. I've always said I like P. Diddy. Well, we can't get there on some of them. He looks like hell. You see him? He's aged like 50 years. I know. He does not look good. Somebody wrote under that photo, they wrote, that's what happens if you can't get to the baby oil. Wow. That's funny. I was like, ah, we've all missed that one. It's a good one. Yeah, he's...

He's not doing great. Look at that. That's not real. This is AI, but it's not real. Oh, I thought that was Uncle Ben. Ben's rice. There. That's the real one. Wow. I mean, you can't go buy these. It looks like Charles Oakley. That's crazy. Damn.

Damn, yeah, he's gonna fry I think not good not good Yeah, you heard any of that testimony. It's pretty awful. What is what was it? It's just I mean beating up the girl. I don't know like Cassie Cassie yeah, she's like He would He would have people there. It's a sex trafficking thing you'd have people there and they would finish on my chest and

And he would be in the corner with a towel over his face. And then he would come over and then rub the cum on his chest. Sharon Stone, anytime you want to come on, we'd love to have you. It's an open door, open invite. I mean, I feel like this is a good time to plug some dates. Yeah, yeah. What do you got, Mark? I got some stuff. Oh, okay. Should we open it on air?

Yeah, why not? Yeah, open it while you're plugging some stuff here. This is June 1st, you guys. Portchester going upstate. Oh, sorry. Rochester, New York. Coming to the Kodak Center. I haven't been to Rochester in years. Portchester, upstate Albany at the Egg. I love that Egg. Oh, I love that one. What a great room. That one I think is already almost sold out. And then Burlington, Vermont. I haven't been to Burlington since the Comedy Club days back in who knows when. Wausau, Wisconsin. Green Bay, Wisconsin. Eugene, Oregon. San Jose, California.

Oh, this is nice. A little Chopin vodka. Oh, wow. Is that from JMO? Hyannis, Connecticut. Then Salem, PA. Then Australia. Wow. Auckland, Melbourne, Sydney, Sydney, Brisbane. You're going hard, buddy. Out of the show in Sydney. Yeah, come on by. Then we're going to do the Hamptons one night. Calgary with Adam Ray. That's cool. Las Vegas.

I might go down to Skank Fest in Nola, Dallas. A lot of shows. We've got nine shows in Dallas. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Well, I'm going to shoot an hour in October, so I'm really prepping. Yeah, I get that. Akron, Dayton, Halifax, New York.

Yeah, man. I love it. And we added San Diego and D.C. I just did a San Diego. I loved it. Great place. I got Red Bank, New Jersey, July 12th. I got Boston, Massachusetts at the Wilbur, August 7th. Irvine, California, the Improv, the 22nd through the 24th. We got Oklahoma City the following weekend, the 26th through the 28th. Wait, what is it? The 28th through the 30th. Yeah, that makes more sense. That's better. That's better.

We got Vegas at the Venetian, September 19th. Can't wait for that. Rochester, New York, Comedy at the Carlson, the 25th through the 27th. You're going too quick for me, buddy. October 4th, the Chicago Theater. That's going to be a great one. Then the next night I got Winnipeg, Canada at a casino. And then we got Salt Lake City. I just went there for a couple, going back for more because we had a great time. November 14th through 16th.

And, wait, is that right? Yeah, I can't read. Oh, December 4th, Carnegie Hall, baby. Start spreading the news. Love you guys.

uh, practice being a retard for a long time. And we got Bordega cat whiskeys making a fucking, making some news. So, I mean, we're, we're crushing it right now. Comedy store. Shout out. Thank you. The sunset Boulevard. Yeah. The comedy store on the menu, baby, on the menu. And we love you guys for it. Thank you. Comedy store. Uh, I still can't get a spot there, but it's nice to know. No, it's nice to know. I appreciate it. Hell yeah. And, uh,

We're a bunch of clubs. We're in a bunch of clubs. We're working on it. Yeah. So it's all cooking. Got to keep hustling. Tampa side splitters. Love it. You name it. We'll see you guys on the road. We love you. Oh, sorry. I didn't see this. What is this? A hat? It's apparently signed by Norm Macdonald.

Oh, my God. To Brandon OJ Simpson, Norm MacDonald. Wow. We'll hang this up on the wall, huh? That's fun. That's cool. Thanks. Poker hat. Keep listening, guys. We love you, and we'll see you next week. Hell, yeah. Comedy. Sunday's the day for my next Fender juice close. And Norman's talking shit about his pose in the same way. Up on the roof like it's been dangerous.

I'm out to lunch here in New This woman does it what I remember True