Ep 235: Jordan Jensen
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We're starting! We're starting! Hey! Dude, uh, yeah, before we were rolling, you were just talking. It was interesting to me. I was like, maybe we should roll on this, because you were talking about doing Europe and having a kid. Yes. Yeah, it's a whole new part of the road now. The road used to be just like, write jokes, get drunk, see Denver. Now it's like, my kid! I'm missing him! And you gotta think, he's four months old, so his life is like, like 15 days out of his life is like...

That's a third. You're missing stuff. I'm missing stuff. Did you miss anything big? Nothing big, but she's like, he rolled over, which is so funny. Like, talking about a human, like, he rolled over. What the fuck? You know? It's like a celebrity. Like, oh my God, she took a nap. But the kid is doing, he almost said a word. He was like, where's data? His first word was neglect. Yeah.

But yeah, so, but I'm back. Because she went away. You can miss a word even if you're here. Ah, good point. You can miss a word if you're at this podcast. That's a good point. But I think something about being overseas. Oh yeah, where were you when I said my first word? Iceland. That is rough. Exactly. It's like I'm trying to get as far away from them as possible. Like Polanski. He had a different issue with a kid. Yeah, that was it.

um yeah but no but you're you're aware of it you're that that's gonna make you i think a good dad that yeah thank you like you're conscious you're like okay i'm gonna like i'm with veter all the time on the road he's got two kids a third on the way right so aware like yes i'm gonna make every moment on back count that's what you got to do and your face time face timing with the kid which he doesn't really get he's too stupid now but like you're trying and because she we didn't have that growing up no good point

I mean, it's crazy that you, like, it's innate, these devices. Yes. They just kind of get it from birth. It's like a language. 100%. And you ever seen that old video where the kid is swiping on a magazine picture? It's heartbreaking. But yeah, you're right. They learn it so quick because they're born with it. You know? It's like being born with a fork. You know? You just know what to do. You don't have to learn. Yeah. So yeah, but the kid, so she went away for a few days for a bachelorette party, and she came back and the baby was like, ah!

I think it didn't know how to emote. I missed you. It was just you and the baby? Yeah. Damn. A dad and a baby is like a movie. The mom and the baby are like, but I feel like without the mom, you need the mom more. You were in the mom. Exactly. So there's more of a connection. When I came back, he was like,

It's like a dog. Yeah, it's like a dog. A dog sees you and you're like, oh yeah, okay. Yeah, his ass was wagging, it was cute. But with her, when she went away, it's definitely, there's more mom connection. So he was like, he was freaking out because he didn't know how to handle it. They don't know how to be like, whoa, it's so good to see you. And they're like, ah!

I was more attached to my mom for obvious reasons. Yeah. Big neglect going on here with the dad. Yeah. RIP. Oh, yeah. Sorry about that. I didn't know if I should text or... No, it's fine. Okay. I mean, it was like, it's literally his wife called me and said, he's gone. I was like, I've heard that before. Yeah.

Bad time for a joke. But yeah, no, she I was just like, yeah, you know, I don't really know him that well. But no funeral. I think they had. Well, they were like, we're having a funeral at the at the Buddhist temple. And I said, nice try to just become a Buddhist. Right. Late in life because you were a piece of shit. Well, I did have no objects, you know.

Including you. It's something. I got a dad question for you. My dad's been gone forever. He left when I was a kid. He's got cancer now. I've seen him twice in my entire life. I don't even know what kind. His new wife sent me a message on Facebook. Your dad's Biden? Do you have a hindsight with your dad? Should I reconnect because he's going to die? That is a good question. I think you've never met him, right?

Once as an adult. Once as an adult. Yeah. Okay. And once as a kid. How was it as an adult? It was very weird. Yeah, that's what I mean. If they're not there, they're not there. I think you're searching for something that doesn't exist. I think that's movie shit. It is movie shit. It's like, you know, Darth Vader and Luke, I'm your father. Yeah. All right, but you weren't great. Yeah. You weren't great at... I mean, that's the thing. I...

I was searching for this moment that didn't exist. And then I remember he wrote like a note, left a note in like a safety deposit box. And it was like, and then I had a great dad raise me. So I was just kind of, did you have a dad in the picture? No. So you have like this void. It's tough. I just don't think you're going to get closure from it. I agree. Let him die. And why give him the gift of meeting you?

not meeting you, but like, you're a fun guy, nice guy, successful guy. Yeah. Well, you're just helping him out now. Now he's like, Hey, my son's pretty cool. You're making him feel better about it. Yes. I wasn't really mad. It's you sound like a parent. I was like, I wasn't mad. I was kind of just like disappointed. Yeah. That can be a bit. I wasn't like, yeah, but I wasn't funny. Yeah. You end up turning into a parent talking to them, but then, uh,

But of course, 'cause you're expected to take, if they neglect you and then you go back into their life, you are taking, it's so fucking ironic. Oh, I'm taking care of you? - Right. - Right. - So, no, I didn't go to the funeral. I don't think his other son did either, to be honest. Maybe he did, I don't know. But I haven't met him. It's a whole other thing over there. - Yeah, what are you gonna get out of that? Then you gotta waste a day, put a suit on, go to a Buddhist temple. I don't think you're gonna see him and go, all right.

This chapter is closed or whatever. It's not like some sex in the city moment. Well, she said his wife on the phone said something like, he was a good man. I said, he wasn't. It's just something you say when someone dies. But, you know, I was like, nah, I don't mean to be offensive. He was, you know, he just died. So that's what you say. Yes, exactly. That's why funerals are weirdly dishonest. Yeah. Because if you go up and say the absolute truth, it's cruel. Right. But if you bend it, you know, he...

I guess there's ways to bend things in a way that's appropriate, but funerals always, unless it's a good person. Right. Then you're bummed the person's dead. Exactly. So if you're not into the guy, I don't think it's worth going. No. You can't be real anyway. And I think this is kind of a win. Like he fucked you over and now you're like, I'm skipping this. That's what you get. Yeah, it's not a win. It's just a nothing. All right. It's a nothing. I show up to the funeral, I win. Yeah.

You got the Knicks thing. We win. Do we have peeves? You pull up some peeves. Wait, wait, there's Trump. You got to see it. Oh, what is this? So he goes on whatever, Fox News, and he says the N-word. What? But that's the funny part. He goes, you know, we're trying to avoid the N-word. And the guy's like, huh? The anchor? And he's like, you know...

The N-bomb. And the guy's like, what do you mean? And Trump's like, you know what I mean. And he goes, nuclear? And he's like, yes, nuclear. And you're like, Jesus, you can't say the N-bomb is nuclear. He's just that out to lunch. But it's a funny clip. Well, that's almost like not racist, if that's how you think of it. That's true. Really, a nuclear bomb is much worse than the N-word. That's for sure. Yeah. N-word can't wipe out Asia. Yeah.

Then bomb, I guess. Yeah, let's see it. It's just classic Trump being retarded.

What does he do? Is he tiptoeing on the line there? Is he trying to be funny? Does he actually think that's the N-word? It's weird.

I don't know. I mean, would you have done that to like Don Lemon or something? Like a black anchor? Oh, good question. Then it would have been pretty uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah. I mean, shit, man. Damn. Yeah, I guess the N-word and the N, you got to avoid both. You got to avoid both. You got to not do either. Yeah, I don't want either in my neighborhood. Yeah, no.

I just had, I was just howling at that at home. I had to show you. Jesus. Do you cross the street where the nuke is coming the world? Yeah. There you go. Nuclear with attitude. Okay. Well,

What, do we have some peeves from listeners? We have a bunch. Oh, you want, should we do a few? This is amazing. What a segment. Yeah, I was like, fuck, we do peeves on here. People seem to like, I like the peeve section. Peeves hit home like you wouldn't believe. When I do shows and I'm like, anything in the news, they always go, peeves! I know, same. I always have to have a couple locked. I gotta start locking. So what do we have? When people put whole cherry tomatoes in a salad. Oh, interesting. It's...

It's not like the top of my list, but I can see... Yeah, you know who hates this peeve is third world countries. They're like, oh, you got a whole tomato in your salad. What a nightmare. I don't... Yeah, it's never been a thing. I guess... Is it because it seems lazy? Like they just threw it in? I guess so. And like putting a whole cherry tomato, I guess, is a lot of tomato, I guess. Yeah, this guy's living...

too high on the hog like oh sorry you had to eat a tomato yeah this is this is one that doesn't really i hate the salad the wedge salad yeah because i love it i like a wedge salad because it tastes but i gotta i gotta do the work i gotta cut it up i gotta make a salad that's a good point i do kind of like a wedge something fun about a wedge so hearty it's a big hunk of crunchy lettuce yeah you know what is a peeve is the shrimp guy you know the guy who gives you the shrimp at the thai restaurant and you got to get the heads off

Oh, I hate the head. Or it's pasta with shrimp in it. You're like, wait, so now I got to pull this shit off, then put it back in. Like, what are we doing here? Yeah. You know, the heads, people are like, well, it's more, it means it's more fresh. Okay, I don't give a shit. Give me frozen shrimp with no head. Yes, exactly. I don't want a head. Like my marriage, no heads. No head. No, I don't want a head. I was fucking back to school the other night. It was just on. I was like, fuck it. Don't knock Vanessa. She gives great headache.

Such a good line. I forgot about that joke. That's great. Such a dumb, quick, great line. I love that. She gets a great headache.

When white people are abnormally interested in the Civil War. This is another. It's kind of a strange one. Yeah, I get annoyed by it. If someone's a buff, a Civil War buff, Civil War, World War II, whatever. So you hate Ken Burns now? Right. Let the guy be interested. At least he's into this and not meth. That's true. You know? Might be both. I need more information. Yeah. Maybe this is like a weird, this is like a Civil War reenactment type guy or something. Oh.

Oh, good point. Because that's a little weird. That's very weird. Yeah. Maybe this is a black guy with a white friend who's way into that. Interesting. And he's like, it's a little awkward with the slavery, north-south thing, so maybe that's where this is going from. There's good books on it. I mean, I have no issue with this one either. I mean, this is not a peeve of mine. I guess abnormally means he's got posters on his wall of Whistlin' Dixie and the flag. You're right. Abnormally does...

Yeah. Like, all right, you have a Confederate flag on your property? Okay, now we're getting somewhere. That's a little weird. All right, I'll give you that. The problem with the Confederate flag is it's a cool-looking flag. Is it? Well, it's just a cool... Like, if that was a flag that represented something good, you'd be like, oh, I want a...

- The branding was on point. - Yes. - It's like the Nazis with the uniforms, they were well made. - Well made. - Yeah, look it doesn't look bad. I like our American flag but yeah. - I do too. - But it's not bad. - But you put that on that Dukes of Hazzard car, that's a badass car.

Doesn't look, yeah, I mean, look, you get Hugo Boss making your uniforms too. It's like, you're gonna look good. Yeah, branding is important. It's a bummer. Like, you want him to be dressed by like some, I don't know what a shitty designer is, but. Yeah, that's a cool car, god damn it. It's crazy, this was just a show. These were different times.

Yeah, dude. What else we got? All right. Entering a closed door and not closing it behind you. I'm with you on that one. That's pretty annoying. Yeah, these people just walk in, walk out, no clothes, raising a barn. I had a, because my front door at home doesn't just shut on itself. Me too. And so people just do it and leave it open. I'm like, what are you doing? I know, and I have a cat, so that thing could run out.

So I'm big on the door close. Yeah, no, it's the door close. Just being oblivious is a peeve. That's being oblivious. You're fucking not paying attention to your life. Because you're basically saying, I want to go in this door and I'm not worried about you. So I'm going in. The closing it is a consideration. I got a similar one. I have a friend who always does this. They'll come over.

open a seltzer, take like two sips, and then put it back in the fridge. I'm like, what the fuck is that? What the fuck? I'm like, so you think I want to finish your fucking seltzer? Are we talking a can? Yeah, a can. Oh, that's insane. At least with the top, there's some kind of...

The top is fine. I have no issue with the top. Yeah, there's a sealant there. But the opening the can and then like you think I want that shit? That's crazy. Just fucking throw it out. It honestly bugs me to open a can and then take two sips too. It's like a double peeve. Yeah, and it's going to be flat by the time you get it, even if you were going to drink it. Is this Salicus? It's not Salicus. Because every week I have to throw away a half full can. Does he do that? Yes. Oh, we're going to have to razz him.

It was honestly, it's Rachel Feinstein. Oh, but why put it back? I said person because I was trying to make it with Emily. You know what? Who gives a shit? She knows she does shit like that. When she comes back here, we're giving her a flat, hot can of soda that's been opened. I don't care for that. I'll save one of Sally Kies's old ones. When I was a kid, I would throw parties like in high school and college. And it was always a beer bottle with this much beer drinking out of it because people just want to hold it. I'm like, no, no, no.

You hold that, you're drinking it. Wastefulness is the P. Yes. I'm not giving you a prop for the party. I had some people over the Knicks game. We had Mexican food. I ordered a shitload of tacos just so everyone had tacos to choose from. Love it. Love it. But then there were nine or ten taco boxes left. You better believe I fucking ate those. Good. I put them in the fridge. I'm eating those. Yeah. Those are leftovers. Every day of the week, tacos. 100% would have done the same thing. Yeah.

Pizza, whatever's left, I'll eat it. I don't mind a cold pizza either. I'll go one further. I take a bunch of people out to eat. If they don't finish it, I take it home. Do they try to take it home first? No, no, no. If they want to take it home, that's fine. But sometimes they're like, no, I never want to see that steak again. I'm like, that's half a steak. I'll bring it home. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. No, it's wasteful as fuck. Also, I kind of like the takeout box. Me too. The box, it's like a pleasurable memory. Yes, yes. I like it. It's exciting. It's exciting.

Yeah, and you know, nuking it up, that old Chinese food, it's fun. Yeah, it's good to see a box the next day you don't regret. Am I right? Yeah.

Oh, man. When I get change and they put it on the counter instead of handing it to me. Oh, interesting. I mean, this is like the one person still paying with cash. Yeah, yeah, that's true. I'm a cash guy. You still do a lot of cash? I mean, if you look at my wallet. I got cash on me, but it's just to have it just in case. I got hundreds in here. Look at this. Hundreds? Yeah, I got a few 20s. I'm nothing crazy. I'll do you one further. I'm going international.

What is that from? That's from London. Ooh, nice. Yeah, yeah. What are you doing with that? Churchill. Good old Winston. Yeah.

Well, I just didn't spend it all. I mean, he would have been a good We Might Be Drunk. Oh. He was a fucking booze dude. We should do a church. I saw Bert doing the Churchill Martini. That would be nice. We should do a martini ep. I'm going to throw you for a loop here. I might have a drink. I'll do one with you. I mean, I don't want to push you. I'm just saying it's been a tough weekend. We haven't had a drink on here in a while. Let's do a drink. Should we do a... I mean, I could do a martini. I could do a martini, but I don't trust him to make it. I'll make it. Can we get the ice? Yeah.

Yeah, what the fuck? Do we have vermouth? A little dry vermouth. Do you want to go vodka or gin? What do you think? I'm a vodka man. All right, let's do vodka. I like the potato liquor. Is that a gluten thing? Yeah. Well, I like a little Grey Goose. Oh, I love Grey Goose. Yeah. Crazy they made liquor out of potatoes. That's awesome. I know, but how did they figure that out? How did the Irish not just own all vodka products?

Oh, yeah. The fact that they didn't get on top of all that shit. Good point. They're like the potato people. Yeah. Well, they didn't have any. Yeah. Isn't that the whole thing? They had a famine. I know, but they're like, oh, Boise, Idaho. How come we don't have a good, like, maybe there is a good one. That's a great point. Boise should be the vodka capital of America. Great city, by the way. I'd never been there. Oh, great city. The Egyptian, that was killer, man. Great room. Great comedy people there. Yeah. Is that where Caitlin Clark is in? She plays for the Indiana Fever. I don't know where she's from. Indiana Fever. That's right.

She's fucking amazing. She is so good. I'm a fan. You should go to a game, man. It's right by your place. I would love to. Dude, when the WNBA plays, my neighborhood is like bumping. The lesbians come out. Is this? Oh, dirty. Are we going dirty? Yeah, let's go a little dirty. What the fuck? Yeah, dirty. And the driver moves. Oh, yeah. I love it.

But yeah, she's great. And she's such a, she's got like great character. Like she'll get fucked with on the court and she'll just make it rain instead of like fighting back. And she never goes in on people online. She's well raised. I think the beef with Angel Reese is like great for the sport. Oh, definitely. You need that shit. Definitely. You need some people to dislike each other. It's the female Larry Bird Jordan stuff. Yeah, although the argument is that Angel ain't nearly as good as...

Yeah. But you know what? She's putting up fucking big numbers. She's good. I mean, yeah, we should go to a game, get some fucking drinks in us. I would love to. Heckle. Pre-game at my house. Heckle, let's do it. Put on a Fever jersey and head over. No, you got to put on a Liberty jersey, dude. Oh, that's right. That's right. Got to support the New York team. Okay. Should we do another? What do we got? Oh, yeah. How do you feel about the change? Are you handy into it? What is it? I'm okay with it. That doesn't bother me, but...

Some people have bad hygiene, too. That's true. And I'm not a germaphobe, but I hate touching a sweaty hand. Oh, no world. You get those after the show. Well, dude, I also... Like, my hand will get... We all get sweaty, but when my hand's sweaty, I don't force a handshake. You go...

Or I just do a fist bump. I just don't. I hate a sweaty. It's nothing more disgusting than your sweaty fucking hand. I completely agree. I hate it. Wet. And you think of all the germs that you've already had on your hand and now they're coagulated in the sweat. It's bad. It's bad. I would go one further. I do the fist bump as well, but some people won't do it. They're like, and I'm like,

And they're like... Yeah, like, what is this, Mad Men? You can't fucking... That's Paper Rock Scissor. You can't fucking... No, but it's so... These people are like men shaking. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes I'll do a fist bump. Give me a fist bump. Come on. But yeah, some people just won't do it. They're like, we shake. I'm like, all right, whatever. I like a fist bump. I do too. I'm kind of pumped for the... You know what? I wasn't going to drink, but you know what? I can't let you drink alone either, so what the hell? Those are deep. I love... I like the big ones too because they...

- Should I measure this or what? - Unless you wanna eyeball it now. - I can eyeball it. - I don't like too much vermouth. - Yeah, just a dab. - Just a dab. - You're like a Churchill. - Oh hey, you got any olives is a win. Green whole olives, perfect.

Man, you know what movie I fucking rewatched last night? I mean, we've both seen it a bunch of times, but I was texting you and Salakius. Taxi Driver is so funny, dude. Oh, classic. Albert Brooks. Albert Brooks. Double Shepherd. It's just a funny first name to mention. Yeah, it was. Dude, Taxi Driver. Dude, Albert Brooks. Well, I go with the comedian. Funny movie. I'm comedian friendly. No, he's great in it. I mean, it's...

And he plays kind of a wimp, too. Yeah. Because anyone would look like a wimp next to that psychopath. That's true. He had nothing to lose. But that was like one of the first anti-hero movies. I know, dude. Especially like for an American movie to be that fucking like just dark and fucked up. Oh, yeah. Like creepy, stalker, incel. But then also like the fact that he pulls Cybill Shepherd for a second. Yes. You're like, are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. He's so hot. I know. She's gorgeous. Yeah.

That movie, I mean, what a run he had with this, Raging Bull, Mean Streets. Like, that 70s era, they all were friends. Brian De Palma. Don't forget After Hours. Oh, After Hours, yes. Scorsese, De Palma, Spielberg, George Lucas. Like, just a peckin' paw. Just a great crew. Oh, such a crew. Oh, Coppola.

It felt like movies were art. Now movies are fucking Hawkeye and Queef Man, you know? Queef Man. Back then, a movie was a movie. It was dark. It was gritty. It was real. Yeah, dude. And then, yeah, what other peeves we have? We got some good ones. Oh, yeah, we had a good one there. Oh, man, this is, I'm kind of pumped for a martini right now. Wait, wait, you had one you missed. I hate when people walk out in front of traffic, and I'm with you on that. I hate this guy. He thinks because he does this, he's allowed to walk in front of traffic.

What is that? You're still breaking the law. You're still in the way. I am really annoying with this shit because I'm so annoyed by the, you know, I used to always be like a cheat the lane type of guy as a walker. Oh, yeah. And now with the scooters and the bikes and shit, it's fucking impossible. Oh, yeah. I'm walking in. Another great 70s movie. Improvised. Why?

Dustin Hoffman improvised that line. Oh, that's right. That's right. Pretty cool. So is the reaction from the cabbie real as well? I don't know. It must be. It must be. If it's Rift, right? Because he really slams on that hood. He took a risk. So how light do you want me to go on this vermouth? Like very light or just? I just don't like it oily. I don't like it oily either. Okay. Oh, that's a fresh bottle right there, boy.

What do you say I go like one shot? Nah, yes. That works. Even a little less maybe. Yeah, maybe a little less and we could always add more. That's true. When someone pulls out in front of me in traffic forcing me to hit my brakes and then they go really slow. Oh, I'm with you on that on the road and in walking. Yeah. You got a guy who cuts in front of you on the sidewalk because he has to be in front of you and then he walks two miles an hour.

I fucking hate that. I don't know what it is. Because we hate to feel trapped. Yes. That's what it is. You feel trapped, but then you're like, I have nowhere to go either. I fucking hate that shit. But I do hate when people, slow walkers on the street, it all comes back to being oblivious. People who don't pay attention. Sometimes you'll blow past them, and they're like, jeez. And you're like, well, why do I have to go the speed limit you want to go? Like, I don't want to go your speed. I want to go my speed. So you go your speed. Let me go my speed. Uh-oh.

Speaking of speed. Is that her? Yeah. Here we go. Hey! 32 minutes late. Get in here, you big black queef. We thought you, yeah, you got to fall off the wagon for that one. What happened?

You want to know the truth or the fake truth? No, the real truth. I'd like to hear both. Really? Fake truth, trans fucked up. Real truth, big fight with the person I'm dating. Big fight. Okay. Big fight. Big fighty fight. Who'd you fight with? What's her name? Well, her name's Big Gale. Oprah's chick? Yeah. Is Oprah gay?

Come on, she's a scissor queen. Is she a scissor queen? Oh, yeah. That whole Stedman thing, that's a ruse. She's gay? Big list. It is hard to picture a dick going in her. That's all I think about. I can picture it if she's on top. You know what I mean? But she fluctuates with the weight. And she goes, you get a pussy, you get a pussy. This could be, tell me what you think of this, Mark. Oh, my God. Do you guys really get drunk on this? I mean, every time? He said he wanted a drink. I can't let my buddy drink alone, so. No pressure.

- How's-- - Should I wait for you? - Oh, who's that? - That's Gail, that's her lady partner. - Like her business? What is she, ostensibly. - Their friend. - To Jordan Jensen's new special. - Oh, that's right, yeah, we got you one over there. - I want yours. Oh yeah, I did a special.

Yeah, at the Gramercy? Yeah, MVP Stavros Halkeas. Why, how so? Showed up floating out of the sky like a little cherub, emerged after my first show. What? Not really. Oh, I thought you had him on a pulley or something. Could you imagine? It felt like that. Because after the first show, the first show was scary, tight, way too aware of cameras. He showed up and he was like,

A merge out of nowhere went first shows always weird and I was like really where did you come from and he's like yeah everybody hates the first show second show you'll crush and I was like.

thank god you're here because i just you've heard that before though i've heard people go you get the first show and then you hang out the second show because the first show you're like i got it yeah but you don't always get the first show you can't you can't possibly always get it the first show was like it was tight sometimes tight yeah because they were not drunk and we were all just like fucked up by the crane there was a heckler i had to flip out at what yeah and she you know the cackle heck

- Oh, I hate the cackle. - You hate the cackle. - Yeah, yeah. - During the premise set up, she's like,

like, and I had to be like, there's no way you laugh like that. There's no way you go to dinner with your friends. And while they're setting up a story, you go, you want to be, you want to make the cut. You want to make the cut. You want to go, that's me. You hear it. And I flipped out in a weird twisted way. I bet she opened you up a little bit. Cause you know, you're in your head, you're up your own ass. It's a special, it's a taping. You go yell at this lady. And now it kind of cuts the tension. It made tension because I,

went in on her. Maybe you could use that in the promo. I will use it. I will use it. At one point she said, ew. And it was like about, I was like describing a part of my body. She goes, ew. And then I made a whole riff on that. All right. I hate when people, what was, what did she say? Ooh, too. Well, I was talking about something gross. I was talking about how I lost a bunch of weight. So I had loose skin that I got cut off. Ew. Yeah. And she went, ew.

I want it to be on your side here. I know. I know. I know. I know. And then I was like, it's fucked up that men have to present their penis to women like this. They have to be like, and here's my one flesh sack that I've had my whole life. And she's like, ew. That's fucked. That's annoying. I hate this cackle box. Dude, I wanted it. I mean, I truly was like hexing her. I did a child molestation joke in Salt Lake and a woman went out. Oh, that's messed up. And I was like, oh, how brave. Yeah.

How brave that you're against child molestation. Just so everybody knows I don't fuck kids. Yeah. That's brutal. I had a woman the other night doing this front row going. And I'm like, it's doing well. So who cares what your dumb head. I know. But she wants to fuck with you. I guess so. She wants attention. She wants to fuck you. That's what I always think. I'm like, you're trying to fuck me right now. Mark tried to fuck her after the show, though, and she did this. Yeah, exactly.

She was a gale, if you know what I mean. A gale. Yeah. But during a special taping to heck, it was crazy. Oh, that's crazy. Don't they make an announcement or something? Oh, yeah. Big announcement. I blame B&E on it. Did you boot her? Well, that's the thing is that the PAs kept getting too scared to boot her. Yeah. And then the director was like, I'm so sorry. I should have kicked her out. Yeah. But then the second show was fine. One girl started saying something. After I would say every punchline, would be like, eh,

and say it. And my sister, who's scarier than me, went up to her and was like, you better shut the fuck up. And was, yeah, my sister's like a little bit like hot white trash. Yeah. Pull her up. Can I tell you, my friend, non-comedian, went to the show and he didn't know who you were, no offense. Oh, that's great. He went with a person who did know who you were and I said, how was the show? And he goes,

I'm a huge fan now. I didn't know her. Now I'm on board and I want to know more. Wow, that's great. Wow. That's like the nicest thing you could say. I don't know which one he went to, but it was your special TV. The Late Show was sick. Oh yeah, there's my sister right there on the end. So were you tense on the Late Show or were you kind of like- Loose as hell. Loose as a- I was like, fuck. I switched the whole lineup. Whoa.

Yeah, I was like, I didn't, I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna switch it around. And it went better. It was great. It was incredible. Hell yeah. But if you were like, that first show sucked, what made you lose? What?

I would probably be like, fuck, I got to nail Stavros, dude. Yeah, just Stav. That's it. Stavros was like, do not. So long as you said the jokes correctly, it'll be fine. And then the second show, the audience was loose. My boys got off stage and were like, Jake got off stage and was like, dude, way different. Oh, good. Both the boys were like, yeah, they were like super tight and weird. And then the second show, I think the second show also everybody had been like, do crowd work.

to warm it up. And I didn't, the second show, I did not do that. Cause the first show, it was weird to do crowd work. Cause everybody knows what's up. Right. So the second show, everybody's like, okay. Weird to do it at a taping. Yes. So the second show, I was like, no crowd work. We're just going into it.

Hot and ready. Crowd works like to fuck around and you're like, this is a special. Yeah. It's just weird. Yeah. Yeah. I've done it a little bit in specials, but it's usually at the end. I'm just fucking around. Yeah. I'm just killing time before the closer or something. Pickups are fun. Do you like pickups? I hate pickups. You like them? Well, you're just like, you're going to nail it clean and you're, you don't care anymore.

There's low stakes with a pickup. You don't care if you're bossing them around, which is fun. Tell them what a pickup is. I don't think people know what a pickup is. So say I'm telling a joke, and at one point I fumble a line. Somebody writes that down and goes, hey, you fumbled this line. So then the audience, you go, hey, laugh again. And usually they're like, you're kind of in on this joke together, which is kind of fun. It's kind of endearing. Yeah. And the first show I tried to do a pickup, and they didn't laugh at the part that I wrote. And I was like, you guys...

Come on. Yeah, and then the second show. You have to tell it a third time. Yeah. Was it at 7 p.m.? It was. 7 p.m. is evil. So what do you think? 8? 8 and 10. Always better, because 7, they get off work at 5. Right. Then they're like, do I go home and take a shit, or should I go straight there? Maybe I'll go to Chipotle before. Not enough strength time. What day of the week? It was Saturday, but it was a hot day. Never mind. If it's a hot day. It's funny how everything factors in. You're literally looking at the weather report on your phone, and you're like,

Yes, yes. Also close friend in the front row that I was staring at and telling a long bit about. By the way, that's like on whoever's seen the room because they should fucking know. Because I remember I did a joke about getting blown up

in one of my in my album it was like it was like a crazy story yeah and i just see my mom do this in the crowd i mean i don't need to see that shit throws you off we're both she's upset to hear it i'm upset to see it you know yeah and we sound like such assholes your mom's like i gotta hear about my son getting blown oh yeah well i had to see you do this yeah but that does but that does throw you at a taping where you're just like i don't want to see no i'm lucky my parents sit the parents in the back oh yes your rosa parks the parents ha ha ha

I did make sure the moms were in the back, thank God. But the one friend who bought a ticket because she has a baby, I told a whole joke about her having a baby. You're like this stupid bitch. I was like, yeah, she looked bad. She looked bad after the baby. I'm describing it in detail. I'm talking about her husband who I'm looking at also. It was crazy. See, I'm not too personal of a comedian. So stuff like that, I don't know how you guys deal with that shit. But the good thing is all the setups...

are going to can be pulled into the because I said them so cleanly because it was like pin drop so I was like I will just use diction to say everything so those can be pulled into the second set wow honestly it's gonna be great every special gets saved in the edit I always think about the Mitch Hedberg half hour that became legendary but apparently he's bombing for like 50 minutes and they just cut it into an amazing 22 and it made his career it made his career he's laying on the floor at one point he's like I'm bombing so bad why even try yeah oh really yeah they sweetened it

Yeah, I don't think I'm very like OCD about sweetening. I get very weird about that. Like it's like I don't wear Spanx either because I'm worried that people will love me for the wrong reason. Right. Does that make sense? Like when women are like your body's going to be too tight or something like everybody was like wear Spanx for your special. All of my female friends just because they all do that. And I was like, no, because I don't.

I don't want to trick anybody into thinking that things are better than they are, so I can't sweeten. I can't wear Spanx. I can't wear, what's the other thing I can't wear? Oh, lip stain? Mm.

I can't. Tattoos are weird that I do that. I can't wear deodorant. I apologize. I text you ahead of time. I said, just so you know, this is my boundary. But who's going to be tricked? Like, like you're going to hook up with some guy and he's like, you fucking, you lying bitch. I watched your special. No one's going to actually be tricked by that. By sweetening or by Spanx? No, by Spanx. But,

The Spank thing is like, haven't you seen those memes where it's like what she looks like before I take her pants off, what she looks like after? That's real. It is real. Yoga pants are crazy. No, I have to be, nobody can think that it's, so there can't be sweetened because they can't be like, that joke hit hard. It has to hit as hard as it did. You're just telling the hair and makeup, make me look as dumpy as possible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I wiped off a bunch of makeup she put on. Really? Oh, totally. Dumpy is funnier also. There's nothing that makes me more mad than when somebody is trying to be hot for their special.

Dead is funnier. Chris Farley. Yeah. No, Dumpy usually dies quick, but it is funnier. Yeah, that's true. But you're against sweetening. People always think, the funny thing is even if you kill, they're like, they sweetened it. So that's why I'm like, I don't give a fuck. That's true. My thing is like, this is what the joke usually gets. If it's like a little over, put it up.

You know, I don't care about that shit. I know, but you have one good set and be like, laugh track. I'm like, no, no, this was a good set. It's almost never... I don't think I sweetened shit in the last one. It might have been like one or two jokes. But usually, I did like four jokes.

I did, you know, and then one before I did seven. So I'm like, one of the, one of the jokes. Yeah, it did well. One of the jokes hit. Yeah. Wow. If I can't, if it's not hidden one in seven times, it ain't making. Seven is wild. Seven is wild. I was at the den. I was just having fun. Oh, fun. And I was also like, I had a great setup. I was in Chicago. I had Vita with me. I just had like, it actually made it less pressure because different people came every night. So I didn't get like,

bombarded. Yeah. So just every night we got fucked up. Every night Vitor and I woke up and sauna'd. It was like it was kind of a good vacation almost. It wasn't bad. It was kind of by the end I was like this was a bad idea. But you got some probably so much money it paid for the taping.

I don't know. Maybe. I don't even remember. That is the difference between men and women. If I drank the night before, you would look at my face and be like, she drank. Oh, really? You guys can sauna and look normal again? Yeah. You get a puffy? Have you seen women when they wake up, just in general? When's the last time you drank?

Oh, I drank in Italy like two years ago. I had a glass of wine. I just don't. Pull it up. Let's see that face. I'm addicted to candy. So I had to choose. Ah, Spanx. Are you like a nerds? Oh, nerds clusters? Oh, those are good. Oh, yeah.

Dude, I did a gig with Soder one time, and he's sober, and I'm drinking, and he's like, you want to come with me to 7-Eleven? Because we're starting to go to bed. And I was like, okay. I bought a bunch of Tylenol, and he's in the nerd section. They got the blue nerds. Oh, shit, they got this kind of nerd. He's going nuts. He's like a crackhead, but about nerds. I had the same thing. I have a Soder story just like that, and it's hilarious because I have memories of getting fucked up with him, and now I'm hammered, and he's in like...

He's like grabbing ruffles and shit. Gummy bears, licorice, whatever. He's the best. No, I'm a candy whore. So I had to choose. Do you want sweets or do you want... Because I couldn't... I assumed you had a problem or something. I mean, I have a problem with consumption. Food, sex, love...

Candy. So if it's booze, it's just like that will alter who I am. Candy will not. Good point. Sex will not. You know what I mean? But booze is like I can't. You seem very against altering who you are in any way, which is maybe a good thing. Yeah, yeah. No alterations. Yeah, totally. We could use a few. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. There was no incident where you were like, I'm done with booze?

No rock bottom? It's just weight. Really? It's just my weight is so hard to manage because I used to be so fat that if I do anything extra, I just get too... I like to feel like there's no extra water weight. There's no... You know what I mean? Yeah. How'd you lose the fat originally? Anorexia. Whoa.

Full, full, I only ate grapefruits. That was the move. Grapefruits all day, every day. - That sounds like that's gotta be not good. - Horrible for the stomach lining, must be. But yeah, and I just started, some kid was just like, "Do you wanna put my penis in your mouth? "It's in my special." And I was like, "Yeah." And then the dopamine of getting male satisfaction made it so that I didn't need to eat anymore. I was like, "Oh, if I'm skinny, I'll have sex and love. "I just have to not eat and suck a lot of cock." - Did he actually say it like that? Does that work?

Oh, yeah. Dude, you can do anything to a fat girl. You can literally be like, let's try your butthole and I'm going to put two cocks in there. And they'll be like, oh, okay. Why not? Damn, all right. If you have an ex-fat girl as a partner, she will be, I mean, it's crazy. You can just abuse them. I got to fatten my wife up. Fatten her up and then slim her down.

Oh, okay, okay. That's a trick. The self-esteem. Yeah, you have to break the self-esteem. Jeez, speaking of Oprah, it's like, yeah, fluctuation. If I interrupt, then only grapefruits. That's what I worry about with my hot friends. I'm like, what happens when you get old and ugly? Is your life over? Yeah, you got to have a personality too. If you're only about your looks, then you're in for a rude awakening at a certain point. So many people are like that though.

I know. Well, they kind of go crazy, too. You see Morgan Fairchild on a front lawn, like, drunk and waving, like, a swastika. It's because they're not hot anymore. Oh, yeah. Pull that up. A swastika? Well, I threw that in there. Oh, okay. But, you know, they're not hot anymore, so they have to, like, get attention other ways because they're so used to being, you know, treated so well. Oh, man. She was, like, 80s hot. Yeah. A lot of makeup, big hair, acting crazy. It's just images you're on. You got to go to all. All.

What'd she do? She just went nuts in a front lawn one day. Yeah, who hasn't? That's true. That's true. I mean, we get fucked up every once in a while. I got bombed the other day. Every once in a while, I feel like I need a reset. I need to feel like shit to know that this is bad. Yeah, yeah, totally. How much candy are we talking in a night? Is it a nightly thing?

Well, right now it's cake because I got a cake for my special. But it's like I'll stop eating real food and just go on a candy binge. You know what I mean? It'll be like it's a depression thing. Right. But it is like I'll definitely have candy every day. A little bit of candy every day. Oh, for sure. Really? Oh, yeah. What's your go-to?

You know what's fucked up? It's Swedish Fish. Oh, those are great. You like those? Oh, yeah. They're good. It's just a funny one to binge on. I love Swedish Fish. I wouldn't have guessed. If you gave me 80 guesses, I wouldn't have... Yeah, I know. I like old lady candy. I like black licorice. I like that. Yeah, it's good. Swedish Fish, it's subtle. The beauty of it is the subtlety. It's good. And that gooey, gelatin-y chew. The soft powder outside is good. Yeah. Oh, you are an addict. I am. You're snorting that powder. When I go to the hotel and there's that whole candy...

It's fucked up. I have to remove it. Yeah. Is that your routine after a show? You're just chilling in the hotel and you're like, I don't let myself. Well, in Canada, we were toward me and Jake tour through it all. That's the other thing is Jake. Sometimes my opener, very funny comic, Jake Velasquez will go, he'll become fat Jake.

Usually he's Chachubi T Jake, which is Chachubi T tells him what to eat. He follows directions. Oh my God. But sometimes I can get him to be fat Jake and he'll let loose. And then we're just in candy town. Do the ruffles all dressed or the ketchup lays? And that's the best Canada has to offer. What is it? Ketchup lays? Oh, you've never had those? I've never had that. We had bags of it. We were just in Vancouver. They're fucking phenomenal. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Yeah, so you're like Denzel in flight, but instead of the booze, you're going through the candy at the hotel. Yeah. The Toblerone. Oh, yeah, the Toblerone. Oh, yeah, that's always staring at me. That's why those bark comedy clubs are so dangerous. Oh, my God. Tell them about the bark.

Park Comedy Club. You walk into the green room and there's drawers and drawers. Oh, this is like Spokane. Yeah. I always say get that shit out of there. Do you really? So much. It's too much. But it's not only just like, it's not like bite-sized. They have like full Snickers, like an entire drawer full of Snickers. I think one time Jake got through like 17 cow tails before going on stage and was- It killed Ralphie May, that club. Yeah. I don't know if you knew that. But it's so, it's like organized. So it's all those little clear drawers and you're like-

There's my Reese's. There's my Nerds. There's my Jelly Bean. It makes me feel like you're doing your taxes to eat candy. He's got Snickers all over his face. They feel his neck. They're like, hmm. Yeah. He's gone. Snicker, please. But yeah, those clubs, it's a nice sentiment, but you're like- It's not, though. You're dealing with addicts here. Yeah. So mean. Because I get off the stage, and Vitor and I would just be stuffing our face with Starbursts and Twizzlers, and by the end, we're like, what?

I feel horrible. I feel horrible. It's the same as booze. You realize how bad this shit is the second the high goes away. Also, hangover is the exact same. Yeah. No. Oh, yeah. Not as bad, but it's gross. It's not. If you stay up all night in candy and stay up all night drinking, because all alcohol is that hangover is no sleep. Yes. With the sugar jitters. That's right. So it's the same. It's

- I make worse decisions on alcohol. - That's true, that's why I chose candy. It's never made me fuck anybody. It's made me not fuck people. You eat too much candy, you never have sex. Every time I drank, I had sex with somebody I hated. - Really? - Yeah. - Every time? - Just some guy would be like, "I don't like you." And I'd be like, "Get in here." It was crazy. - I didn't know you hated me. - Wow, that's crazy. - That is a turn on when someone says they don't like you, you're like, "It is fucking." - It's just immediate. - It is a turn on. - It's so crazy. - Why is that?

You want what you can't have. Yeah. And you hate yourself, so you're like, I get it. Yeah. I don't know how you guys do it. These come whores for men that come out for men. There was one girl that goes, you were going there, side splitters. She sees Soder's poster. She was at my show, and I was like, oh, you should go see Soder. He's great. And she goes, yeah, I'm going to fuck him. What?

I was like, no, I think he's in a pretty committed relationship. And she goes, oh, he'll cheat. And I was like, I don't think he will. And she goes, they all cheat. And I went, you are my literal nightmare. Just like a small brunette with huge tits, probably like 21. Just being like, I will force his cock into my body. It was so scary. And I was like, for women, it's scary because of other women. For men, it's scary because of women. Tampa's a different breed.

That's true. Pamper chicks are different. Soder is an anomaly because he's a killer comic, but he's also like 6'4", good-looking face. He's like a hot guy. He'd be a hot guy if he was just like a harlot.

harmonica player. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not a harmonica player. Maybe not a harmonica player. Then you can hear the voice. Good point. But most other jobs. Yeah. Well, he was like a barista. He'd be like, that's a good looking barista. Yeah. Yeah. But here he is just doing comedy and being hilarious.

Yeah. So, well, we have to check in after he does Tampa. We'll have him on and see if he fucked that girl. No, this was a while ago. Oh, all right. He's good. He doesn't seem like a guy. No, he's not. He's not. There's no way. And Katie's a good egg. He's also sober. You can't be the sober guy who's fucking around. You what? Oh, he's sober, too. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the sobriety thing. But it's intense, dude. The girls are going to- You cheated on me? I had too many gummy bears, and I fucking- Yeah, right. Yeah.

Wait, what happened? Just women. If men come up to me, they go like this. They go, do you want to hang out after? And I go, no, absolutely not. No way. And they go, okay. Women, they'll be like, do you want to fuck? And I'll be like, no. And they will not take no for an answer. Because they're not used to anybody saying no to them. Right.

And they'll get closer and touchier and grabby. And I'll have to be like, you have to get the fuck. I mean, the amount of times that me and Jake have been like, we now have to get this woman removed. Wow. It's like a hot girl in a trucker hat who's like, we're the same, dude. I work in a man's world, too. I'm a bassist in a band. And like they won't because women aren't used to. Have you ever been with a woman?

I have. I did not like it. They want to eat you out? Or what do they want to do? Scissor? Strap on? I don't know. They don't say. They don't say I would like to strap on you. They were like, are you sure? They're like, are you sure you're not gay? You are. Just try. We don't have to try anything. Wow. Pushy. It's so pushy. Sounds like a dude.

- It does. - Just watch a movie. - A dude in the 2000s maybe, but now men are like, "All right, I won't do anything." - Yeah, we are more cautious these days. - And we're used to hearing no. If a girl says no, you're like, "Ah, it's about right." - On to the next, yeah. - Yeah, totally. - But a woman, I think, is like, "No, I won't stand for this." - Yeah, a woman is like, "I've decided tonight will be the night where I fuck this comic."

Wow. I've mentioned this before, but female comics always go, oh, it must be nice for men. All these girls come up to you. No guy hits on me. But then if a guy does hit on you, you're like, get the hell away from me. So which one is it? It's the men that hit on you you don't even see because they have...

It's like you'll see the guy who's like a PA for the show, and you'll be like, he's hot. But if it's a fan, we don't see them. Like men, if you see a fan that's like, I want to fuck you, you go, I'll fuck a fan. We don't see fans as men. Okay, no woman has ever told me this. That's the reality. If somebody comes up and they're like, can I have a poster? Also, I'd love to take you out. You're like, what? What are you like? It's like a little kid. Right. You're like, here's your candy. And they're like, do you want to have sex? You're like, no, I'm your babysitter. I see. That's interesting. Whereas for you guys, all women, you're kind of their babysitter because all women are a little in love.

infant play. You know what I mean? He's like, I love you. And you're like, yeah. I love infants. Yeah. But wait, wait, wait, wait. So if it's like a PA at the club or something. Yeah. If the sound guy comes in. Okay. Yeah. Interesting. That's attractive. But if it's a fan, you're like...

No woman is attracted to a fan. I think the PA guy is worse because that's like a work person. Work person's hotter than fan. See, this is good. I've never heard this. What do you think, Mark? Where do you stand? Well, I'm not a woman. I know, but as a dude, where do you stand on it? As a dude, I wouldn't care either way. I don't care if it's fan or work, but where do I give a shit?

- Yeah, it's just I think the work is a little worse, I think. - Yeah. - They were kind of like, eh. - 'Cause that could affect your job. Like now this girl hates you, that you work with. - Yeah. - I mean, you are leaving. In two days or whatever. But you gotta go back and be like, how's that sound lady? And they're like, oh, she got promoted. And you're like, ah, shit. - Yeah. - That's not good. - It's like getting cat called when somebody hits on you at a show. You're like-- - Okay. - You're like, you'll fuck anybody, you're black. You know what I mean?

It's like fucking on training wheels a little bit. You're like, what am I going to? Yeah, it's like not attractive to fuck a fan as a woman. Okay. Because we want to be fanning. Got it. See, you give me honest answers as a woman. Every other girl's like, oh, shut up. I don't know. Put it in my ass. Oh, no. We really, yeah, we want to look up to you guys. I can't. If I date a guy who's at all, there's any like sycophantic, any like, it's disgusting. It's disturbing.

I guess you do. I guess it is also, it is a turn off if a woman likes me. Well, that too, yeah. You know, if someone's like, oh, you're great. I'm like, ew. Yeah. Right, right. It is that Annie Hall shit. Yes. It always comes back to Annie Hall, but it's like, you know. Don't want to be a member of a club that would have me or whatever it is. But that's weird because then he's attracted to children who've literally been...

conned into being attracted to him as a provider. You know what I mean? Yeah. But she didn't want him probably. She was a kid. That's not consent. So you know what? It's like, ew, you're old. It lines up. Yeah, that does make sense. Okay, I'm learning a lot here. This is good. The sound guy, yeah, you kind of even. Yeah, the sound guy just has to do his job. He doesn't even want to be there. Right, right. The fan has bought tickets. Yuck.

Right. That's crazy. Also, the sound guy can be like, hey, good show. Yeah. I see a lot of shows. Okay, what if it's a guy, though, who's just like, yeah, you were all right. Great. I'll fuck with you. That's what I mean. Oh. If the guy is there, but he's not a fan. He's definitely not in the meet and greet line. Yeah, yeah. Which is where I would meet them. Got it. You know what I mean? He's like, yeah, I've seen better, but you were fine. Yeah. I've had guys where their buddy was fanning out, and they're like, hey, my buddy's a huge fan. He can't talk. Can you sign this for him? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like,

"Are you not a fan?" He's like, "No, I am." And I'm like, "Okay." - Oh, okay. - I've never done it because I have, the only reason to have sex is to find love forever for a woman. We don't need to come ever unless it leads to something. - That's what I always tell him too.

No, but that's like, I know what you mean. Like if there's a guy after a show and he's like shaking, you don't want to fuck him. There's no way. Oh, I would love to fuck that guy. Just for the vibration? Yeah. But I think it must be fun as that soda lady with the big tits who's like cute. You're like, I've never gone to a show and seen a female act and been like, I could fuck her. That has never happened once. If I go see Patti LaBelle, I'm not like, you know what? I could probably flip her.

That is such a good point. It is crazy to be sitting in the audience and be like, I'm going to fuck that guy. But it's reality for a woman. She could go to a Maroon 5 concert and be like, I'm hot enough that I could probably fuck whatever the guy's name is with the tattoos. Whereas a guy could never be like, I'll go to this Madonna show and get laid by Madonna. That would never happen. That's a big one, though. An arena, I'm going to fuck this person. That's big. Even Gwen Stefani is also big.

Who's a low-level singer? Even Fat Adele wouldn't fuck me. Fat Adele. Fat Adele is still an arena act, though, Mark. Oh, yeah, you're right. I mean, we're talking about, you know... Joan Jett now? Who's playing in Long Island? I fucked Joan Baez a few weeks ago. She's got to be 79. Maybe older, actually. I'm trying to think of a female that...

No, I have not. I mean, the joke doesn't work because we don't know that deep in the music. No, no. Even to go to the cellar when they're playing that music. Okay. You know what I mean? Even her, I couldn't have bitch on the fiddle. Yeah, no way. You'd be like, she's busy. She's doing something. Yeah, it's just crazy. Can you imagine if we went to, I don't know, some big female comedy? But you've never done that? Because you guys are kind of famous. No. What do you mean? No. Done what? Gone to a show and been like, I can fuck her.

Like you've never gone to a party and there's famous people there and you've been like, I think I can hook up with. No. We have friends who think that way and do it. They can do it. That's crazy. I couldn't fuck the randos at the party. Yeah, no, same.

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I'm also just not motivated to, I'll DM forever. I'll DM flirt forever. But yeah, I have my best friend and my dog waiting for me at the hotel. There's no way. The DM flirt's underrated. It's almost filling the same need in a way. It is, yeah. But you don't have to get a yeast infection. You can just jack off and be like, yeah, that worked. That worked.

Yeah, totally. Now I can just watch what I want to watch. Jake will be like, there'll be such a hot girl that's my fan that will come up to him and be like, let's fuck, right? And I'll see him at the hotel with me being like, I have to go. She is so hot. But The Hang, and I'm like, I know it's a really hard choice. The Hang is underrated. The Hang is crucial. I wasn't even trying to get laid when I'm on a tour bus because I'm just like, I want to watch a movie with...

I know, I know. With my buddies, I'm like, we're going to watch Manhunter tonight. I want to see that. Some women will just be like, I will blow you in the, because, you know, Ian, girls will just be like, I'll blow you in the bathroom. What? Right now. Ian? What does anyone get out of this? A blowjob? No, but I get what he gets out of it. What does the person? You tell us. You're the gal. I don't blow randomly. Come on. No, I never have. I only have sex for forever love. Really? Or to punish somebody who doesn't love me.

I didn't know you were in a relationship. Is it good? Are you happy? Oh, it's on and off all the time. We break up every other day. But I've never not had that. Okay. But it is like if I'm in a relationship and me and you get into a fight, that would be one reason I fuck, right? Just for revenge. Okay, wow. Otherwise it's... You would fuck someone else?

Well, if we broke up. Yeah, totally. Damn. Immediate breakup. Revenge fuck. Oh, you got it. Fiery coups. Are you good in a fight? Are you a good communicator or are you just vicious?

I'm not, I'm windy. I'll wind you up into an insane thing that you can't get out of where if you say one thing, I'll say it's bad and the other thing, I'll tie you up. Oh, this is making me wildly uncomfortable. Yeah. Oh yeah, it'll be like, what did you mean by that? Because it sounds like you meant this by this and if you meant that by that, then we have to break up. So did you mean this or that? And I'll be like,

that and I'll be like I knew it it's over it's like that wow and then if he's like okay fine we can end it I'll be like what do you you wanna end it it's like that oh you're a minefield it's fucked up yeah I'm in therapy Alan's helping the problem with Alan is Alan is the stand up for you guy

Yeah, he is. He's like, you need to stand up for yourself, which is a little fucked up sometimes because I'm like, I'm wrong a lot. And he's like, you're never wrong. He does. Yeah, you're right. He does that. You're right. And he taught me to assert myself. He's like, you got to assert. And he raises prices. And I was like, that's too high. And he's like, well, that's what it is. So I haven't gone in two years. But it worked. He taught me that. It worked. I was like, you fucked yourself here, Al. You negotiated against him. Yeah.

I mean, he like, I think he saw the Netflix special and he was like, oh, you can afford more than $17. And he upped it like 500%. And I was like, I'm out. Yeah. You had a few crumpled up bills. I threw it in his face. Yeah.

You're leaving the session crying. I pay him in salary cash and it's crazy. I do that too. I'll come in. I'll owe him like $2,000 and just come in with 50s and be like, and he's like, thank you. It's so weird. He's also big on the parent. Alan's always like, oh, that's your parents. That's your parents. And I'm like, what? I'm killing prostitutes. That's your parents. Yeah, he's big on the parents.

I know, and sometimes I'm like, Alan, I'm doing bad things. And he's like, no, he's bad. Some of these parents, some of these serial killers had normal parents. I know, I know. Sometimes you're just a bad little shit. Exactly, exactly. People are bad. I mean, I think sociopathy is just, it's like an eight, right? It's just in you. Yeah. You can't become a sociopath, right? Have you ever met somebody that you're like, whew?

I'm in showbiz, yes. I know, I know. I have people that represent me where I'm like, that guy could kill some people. Yeah, totally. He strangled a couple prostitutes. Oh, yeah. So I'm fascinated by the fact that you say you only have sex for love. I didn't know that about you. That's interesting. Oh, yeah. I mean, I was talking to Steph Tolove because she has like a hit list of guys she's fucked. It's the funniest list. A hit list? I mean, you know, of sex. What do they call that? A

A list? Schindler's List? What's it called? Body Count? Body Count. Very different than a hit list. Hit list? Yeah. Hit list people you want to kill. But she has them all named as like Lake Man. They all have names that she can remember it where it's like two kids lives with mom, stuff like that. And I was like, oh yeah, I never have fucked on the road. I mean, I fucked like once maybe. Well, that's part of the problem is we do this whole thing of like men and women were the same, but we're so different. No way. So different.

90% of the women I've had sex with, I have no recollection of it. I never got their name, I never thought about it twice. It's just an oil change for a guy. It's an oil change. I know that sounds crass, but it's just how we're wired.

I'm sorry. Yeah, the release is literally so we can be a human again. Yeah. So that they can fill it back up. It's like werewolf shit. Yeah, it is. It is. And that's why we want to leave after because we're like, oh, what the hell? I'm hanging out with you? Why don't you just jerk off? Oh, I've done it. That's what we do now. I'm married. You ever in a fight with someone you're dating and you just jerk off before and you're like, none of your powers are working? Oh.

I'll jerk off and I'll pop an ad roll and I'll be like Superman. I'll be fucking like, I'll be like, I'll be just dodging her dumb fucking, it's amazing. That's awesome. Her tits and her ass. I should do that before I fight. Oh, I don't know what you mean. Same for a lady. I know, I just get sleepy. I just pass out for six hours every time. No, but I think the jerk off is,

is is a powerful maneuver totally totally you use that as a as a tactic in in a relationship you're like oh you you get the power back because they know you want to get laid you're right how often are you guys having sex in long-term relationships

Well, my wife just had a baby. Yeah. So you're not allowed to have sex for six weeks. So we had sex six weeks to the day. Nice. Wow. Yeah. And I jizzed in her again on accident. Oh my God. Do you think you're going to get round two out of that? No, no. We checked. We're good. I don't think it can do it. Oh, I guess Irish twins happen. Oh.

It comes up right. That's right. Wow. Would you be okay with a second kid? Well, yeah, I would go with it. It's kind of nice to knock it out, actually, I think. Yeah, I think you might. You should. Yeah. You think you'll have a second kid? No, I don't think she's pregnant again, but I think I would like a second. Wow. It helps to have them together. Yes. Have you met only children?

Are they bad? Oh, yeah. They're like comedians. They're the worst. They just don't learn to share. Yeah, they don't have... It's like if you've been out to dinner with somebody who demands that there's no tapas. That's an only child. You know what I mean? They don't learn how to fight. They don't learn that they'll get their shit kicked in if they call somebody a name.

- Right. - That's what I've realized with people, where I'll be like, you can't say this shit, and they're like, why not, I can say what I want. I'm like, oh, you never had an older sister that just ran your head into a dragon. - I'll beat you up, that's a good point. - Yeah. - See what's keep you in check. - Yeah. - You know, you're like, I'm wearing a boa and sunglasses are like, they rip that off you and kick you in the balls. - Yeah. - Okay, I needed that. - Yeah. - It's very necessary. - Gotta have two, and they can hang out with each other. Like, I don't have to entertain two kids or one kid. If they have two kids, now you're playing basketball or whatever, wrestling. - Yeah. - Go nuts.

- Can you crank it out that fast? Your vagina just rips open and then you just do it again? - Do you want kids? - I don't know. My whole thing is if I get pregnant, I'll have it. If I don't, I will never. I'm very animal oriented. I really treat my dog like a baby and feel totally whole. - Didn't you meet, I think last time we talked, you met a guy at the dog park. Didn't that happen? - Oh yeah. We went on a date. It was a very meet cute.

But yeah, brutal kisser. I'm all about if the kissing is bad, we can't. What's a bad kisser? Teeth? No, teeth is even better. Teeth I can work with. Really? It's the zero mouth open. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is that? It's just a, I don't know. It's just fear. It's just a form of fear. Oh, yeah, you're right. And I've had the opposite where the girl's like,

Oh, that's rough, too. Paint the fence. Take it easy, sister. Jesus Christ. Yeah, that's awful. I mean, she was in a wheelchair with MLS, but still. Yikes. Dog park pickup. That's like a rom-com. The dog park pickup was very cute. Yeah. The other thing is, I don't think I would want to date a guy who has a dog.

Oh, you want to be the dog. I want to be the dog. It's also like a bit of a form of weakness to me. A dog? Yeah. To me, it's the opposite. To me, it's like the person knows responsibility. No, I prefer a guy who's like, I don't want to fuck a guy with a dog. Yeah. No,

No, but why do you need a dog? Because you're slightly codependent and a gooey, gooey boy? If I didn't do this job, I would absolutely have a dog. Yeah. In the city, though, you got to walk it. Dogs are fun, man. They're fun, but I feel like in the city it's tough. It is tough. You would never do a dog? I wouldn't do a dog. I have a cat. A cat is not a cat.

Huh? What? Your cat is not a cat. That's true. You know my cat? My dog knows your cat. Your cat... I kept doing the funniest game. His cat is 45 pounds. Yes. And I kept throwing Coyote's toy... My dog is 15 pounds. Kept throwing Coyote's toy near the cat and Coyote would like...

try and get it and get as close as possible. And the second the cat would move, she would like zip out of the room. Oh, yeah. When did your dog meet my cat? It was at Broussard's birthday party. They were babysitting. That's my cat, a Maine Coon. Yeah, but you're not. You can't say that word. A Maine Coon is like this big. Your cat is the biggest. It's you. Big paws, big head. It's crazy. It looks like it should be illegal. Yes. It looks like you own. It's like a Lynx.

It's so huge. It's huge, but I didn't want a cat, and the wife was pushing it, and I gave it. That's realistic. That's the cat. That's literally, you think that's Photoshopped? In German, the word for Maine Coon translates to living room tiger. It's so. Because that's what it is. Mm.

- It's awesome. - Beautiful cat. - But I would say that's a dog. - It's a dog, it plays fetch, it greets you at the door, it sleeps with you. - I like that. - It's great. - Maybe a cat's a move at some point, who knows? - Love a cat. - But their piss smells like piss. - Well there you go, litter box.

Do you have an auto clean? No, but I have my house. I keep it in the back. Oh, that's good. That cat probably shits human. Oh, it's bigger than Ian's finance. I like how I said cat piss and we all thought of Ian. Yeah, Ian does seem like he has a smelly taint. Should we do a peeve? Oh, yeah. Let's get some peeves cooking again. We got some guest peeves. What do we got? Listener peeves.

You should get a dog, Sam. I bring Coyote everywhere. It's the best. I can't do it now. Another difference between men and women, you see a guy with a dog and you go, codependent, nerd. Gay. You just said you would never fuck a guy with a dog. You should get a dog. Well, you like them. I do like them. I know, but what if other women think this way? Women love guys with dogs. Okay. Not you, though. I prefer somebody who's like zero attachments. I'm really- You want to be the center of the world. No. I want them to hate everybody, including me, but sometimes they let me in a little bit. Whoa.

You like this. Why do you think that is? My parents. Zero. Alan. Zero, Alan. Yeah. But I don't. My mom, the game we used to play was called No Kisses Today, which is where me and my sister would try and kiss my mom and she would forehead punch us off of her. It was so fun. It was so fun. That is fucking revealing. Yeah, but I only realized recently that wasn't a game that everybody plays. Wow. And you'd be like this.

And she'd push like that was the best game. My dad did the opposite game. He was like, here's a bunch of kisses when you don't want them. Let me kiss your penis. Oh, weird. Okay, wow, an unfriendly lesbian? I've never heard of such a thing. Oh, so unfriendly. My mom's just a man. She's just, that's why she fucks women. She's a man. If she were like now, she'd be trans. Oh, wow. Really? You're really close with your mom though, right? Oh, yeah. But two moms.

Two moms. One is a mommy. My stepmom is like mommy. Okay, got it. And she's very touchy and I go, and she goes, I'm doing it. And I go like that. But my mom is like, we don't touch. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah.

All right. She came to my special and was crying, and my sister was videotaping it just because we never see her cry. And she was like, just get the fuck out of here. She was just proud. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's cool. It was cool. Man, I'm learning a lot. And what's your mom like? What does she behave like at a special like that? The sweet mom? Yeah. She did my hair. Nice. Yeah, so she's just like touching my hair and like, yeah, like that. So it's yin and yang. It's very yin. But they're not together anymore because my mom was too mean. Whoa.

- Whoa. - But they're very good friends. My mom has two pit bulls, I will never be in a relationship again. She cheats constantly. I found out she fucked two dudes recently. - Whoa. - Two dudes cheated on Michelle. We just did a podcast here the other day and Michelle was like, "What about the two dudes you fucked?" Mom was like, "That was conference sex." And I was like, what? - Conference? - What does that mean? - I don't know. - Conference? - I guess it means-- - Two dudes at once, is that what it means? - No, no, it's separate dudes. - Like conference call? - No, no, like she was at a conference and I guess didn't think it counted. - Is she attractive? - My mom?

Yeah, she's swaggy. Eh. She's super swaggy. Guys don't care about swag. Sue Cosentini. Give me the weight. So she's bi? She's bi. All right. Oh, you're going to. Oh, oh, oh. We don't have to pull your mom. I don't want to show your mom's hotness level. There she is. She is kind of swaggy. Yeah, she's swaggy. I thought that was Sammy Hagar. Yeah. But either way. Yeah. Wow. Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah.

Oh, she did Rick Glassman's pod, huh? That's not her. No, that was his mom. Oh, sorry, Rick. Oh, yeah, I can see it. Yeah.

- Who was the sperm though for you? - My dad. - And you don't talk to your dad. - Oh he died, okay. - Yeah. - Yeah, he's dead so you can't talk to him. - But he was also very hot. - He's a hot guy? - Yeah. - Were you close with your dad? - Super close, yeah. - When did he pass? - Super close. - Oh shit, your dad fucked you? - Yeah, we fucked. - Damn. - No, but my dad was, we were like best friends. He died when I was like 50, when he was 58.

So like 10 years ago. Wow. Oh, geez. It was like the way he wanted to go. He was like, I do not want to get old. I just want to work and die. It was good. Suicide? It was actually great. No, he just had a bunch of weed, some NyQuil, died in his sleep. He smoked two packs a day. Wow. So-

Whoa. Where are you from again? Upstate New York. Oh, that's why. Ithaca, Lansing. Yeah. Yeah, that's a dark area. Yeah, it is a dark area. That's like a high suicide rate, that area. Well, the Asians. So the Asians, their parents go like this. Their parents go, you have to go to an Ivy League school or we kill you. So they go to Cornell, which is the least Ivy League school, and then they get a B and they jump off one of our gorges because we have gorges everywhere. Beautiful gorges. So then we built Asian catchers. Like the Apple Store. Yeah, like the Apple Store, these big nets that catch...

That's what I used to call dating apps, Asian catchers. That's a good dating app. And then we catch the Asians and we pull them out.

- Yeah, I mean it is a depressing place. I feel like a lot of great writers came from there. Didn't Raymond Carver, Jay McInerney, all these dark writers, he at least was a student there or something, all these great writers, 'cause it's miserable and it's cold and there's a darkness to it. - I just did Ithaca, I just performed there, it was great.

Where'd you go? The state? Yeah. Oh, that's beautiful. They're beautiful. I think Buffalo is killer. Buffalo is great. Buffalo is dark. Buffalo has no... Because Ithaca at least has like a Narnia quality where it's small and there's waterfalls. It's hippy-dippy. Yeah. Buffalo is like... I like Buffalo. Buffalo is rough. I mean, I love the crowds there because they need a fucking laugh. Yeah. I love them because the women there are like...

they are funnier than most female comics. Like I lived in Buffalo for three months and they were just like fat slap hoggy women who would just like randomly be like, I'm taking off my shirt, not to be sexy, but just like, it's too hot. You know what I mean? Like, and they were just like, everybody we're doing that. We're playing rugby now, but they were all straight with like a boyfriend that was castrated. I think that was my opener. I said, all the women on Tinder here look like Artie Lang. Yeah. Yeah. Totally. Totally.

Yeah, the Buffalo uniform is a Bill's jersey, pajama pants, and a scowl. Yes. But great food in Buffalo. They really do have good food. They do have good food. I mean, they eat well. You've got to have good food in a cold weather place. Well, it was like a boom town for a while. Then all the shit went to Rochester, Buffalo, it all went to hell. Yeah. Syracuse. Yeah, Kodak. Even in Minneapolis, that's like a secret.

I love Minneapolis. That place is bizarrely well run. The area I was performing in was rough. Oh, really? I was in the downtown, right by the arena. I'm like, this is fucking a rough part of town. Oh, I didn't see any of that. Most Somalis in America. Okay, the Somali thing is so funny. Yeah. I cannot, when I was there, I could not stop asking questions about it. The fact that it's all these Midwesterners that are so sweet, and then the blackest people. Yeah. You know what I mean? And they're just like, no, the more the merrier. Come on.

And it's just like a full, because it's like when you go to Williamsburg and it's like an entire different tribe of people. You know what I mean? And you're like, okay, I guess this is just, it's so blatant. Here it's like so integrated, but there it's like fat little ladies resting their little paws on their bellies with casseroles and like black pirates. And then Jukes would say, we're the captain now. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Like a man holding a machete, and they're like, come on in. Use it to cut the cake. That's good. It's crazy. Yeah, yeah. Minneapolis. I was there in the summer, the first time I ever performed there. And I was like, this town is great. And the guys drive me around the city. And I'm like, why don't more people live here? This is an amazing hidden gem. And he's like, the cold is so bad, it keeps people out. Oh, I mean, that's one part I don't love about that downtown is that everything is like an indoor mall thing.

So you're like, wait, where's this coffee shop? And you're like, oh, I have to go through like a tunnel. Yeah. So I don't love that. But yeah, Minneapolis is a great city. People love tunnels. We don't like talking about them, though.

You keep them a secret. My favorite city is Toronto, I think. Toronto's awesome. It's your number one city. Yeah. Come on. I love Toronto, but number one? You mean like in Europe, including Europe and stuff? No, no. Let's go in the tri-state area or the new American. U.S. and Canada. There you go. U.S. and Toronto. Really? Over New York? I mean, aside from...

- Oh, well, New York is hard because I have it down. - You live here. - Toronto is like clean New York. - How about Vancouver? - No, too much weed. Way too much weed. - You don't like weed? - They do dabs. - That's true. - The Toronto audiences are so hot. They're obsessed with comedy. They treat me like a celebrity.

I like how integrated everything is. Like here it's just like black, white, Mexican. But there it's like every different. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? And it's just well maintained. Yeah, it's a good city. It's better than New York. Vancouver, they do dabs. I asked them, I was like, what are you guys smoking? And they were like, a bunch of them were like dabs.

And heroin is huge. The Hastings Street is like walking dead. There's a guy with a fucking machete right outside the alley. I was trying to get out my door and they're like, stay put. Fucking machete. Yeah. I think I said this last week. Winnipeg is crazy too. Oh yeah, that's a sad place. It's a good comedy town. Great comedy town. One thing I noticed about Winnipeg,

Beautiful women with ugly guys. Oh, yeah. We noticed that, too. Oh, there you go. Yes. You see a guy who looks like Joe List, and you're like, wow, his girlfriend is gorgeous. Really hot women. Very interesting. Yeah. That was sad. Really good accent, though. Yeah, I'm going to Winnipeg soon. I can't wait, man. They hate us up there. Do they hate us? Well, Trump. That was better, yeah. Yeah, they hate Trump. They broke up with him. Oh, yeah. He broke up with them.

- Oh yeah, but he said, "I'll make you my bitch." - You know, he wasn't cool. - And then Canada said,

I'm not, I'm bucking you. I thought it was a little bitchy. No, it's a divorce and we're the children and it's our dad's fault for sure. Yeah, totally. But we gotta, you know. And we don't mind that much. Like she was the, you know, she was a good cook. Yeah, we're like, we're America. We'll find someone else. Yeah. We'll go to Cuba if we have to. Or Haiti. But Mexico's mad at us too. So our upstairs and downstairs neighbors in the apartment fucking hate us. They're like hitting us with broomsticks on the ceiling. It's not good. Why is Mexico mad at us?

Gulf of America. I think Trump's been poking them for quite some time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Why were they driving a ship through here? Oh, that was bad. That was fucking weird. Hispanic Titanic. That's what I've been calling that. How do you not know if that thing is going to hit you? Well, it was drifting because they turned the motor off. And so they were getting up on the mast. Now they're half-mast. But they were getting up on the mast and they were like, hey, everybody. And they didn't realize they were drifting into the bridge. Yeah, that was cool. But it didn't shut it down.

I went right over it that next day. Oh, no. Yeah, the bridge was fine. Who needs a wall? How did they not know? I guess they're not used to being tall. I tweeted that thing. You did? I did that same joke, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. Look at that. Oh, and there's people on there, by the way. Those sails are full of people. They're like standing. Two people died. Yeah. RIP. Built that bridge. That is crazy. Really cool that our bridge didn't fucking budge, though. No, it's a wooden ship.

But what were they doing? They were just showing some stuff? I think it was the part of the Mexican Navy, which, you know, they should have been in our waters. Just kidding. What's your number one city, Sam? In America, outside New York, I like Chicago. I like SF. I like... Chicago has too many men that wear no-show socks. Like, it's too many... No-show socks. It's too many queer... You're writing off a whole city based on socks? Yeah. It's too many, like,

I mean, like, not gay men, but, like, gay men married to women. You know what I mean? Men with, like, maybe, like... Well, that should work to my advantage because then there's more available women. Oh, yeah. Great for you. I like Chicago. I love Chicago. I love SF. What are you thinking, Mark? SF's sick. I mean, those are both great cities. I try to find a hidden gem, like a sleeper, because everybody knows those are great. So, you ever been to...

Wilmington, North Carolina. It's a great city. Great town. Great town. Beach town. On the water. Yeah. Southern, but still fun. It's got a New Orleans vibe, but not all Cajun-y. It's not played out really. I haven't been there in years, but I've been there a few times and I loved it. The Carolinas are great. Like Asheville's great. Providence is cool. Providence is a great town. Underrated. I love Providence. It's cool because it's a beach town, but there's a mafia vibe. Yes. And more strip clubs than any city per capita. Foxy ladies. Eggs and legs. Yeah. Yeah.

What else? What else is a good city? Uh...

Tempe is fun if you're really getting after it. Dude, I had a great time in Seattle, honestly. Seattle's fun. Seattle's sick. Killer. Yeah, trying to think some off the beaten path. Madison, great town. Yeah, sometimes I just think of the shows, though. I'm like, what's a good city? I'm like, I had a good show there. That's a good point, yeah. Madison is so hot. It's crazy. Yeah, it's a good point. Honestly, I had a great time in Milwaukee. I loved it. Oh, really? I've never been to Milwaukee. I'm going there soon. I love Milwaukee. I've never been to New Mexico either, I realized. Santa Fe is sick.

- Really? - Yeah, I think it's cool. You don't like it? - Eh, a little dry. - Yeah. - A tumbleweed. It's very Hispanic. - Bozeman, Montana. - That's very pretty. - Very cool. - Very pretty. - Yeah, you should go. - Like Yellowstone vibes? - Yeah, very earthy, very fun. Although I got heckled for an hour. That crowd was the drunkest I've ever seen. - Oh, they get fucked up. That's the problem with the hidden gems are they're wasted. - Yeah, that's true. - 'Cause they're so far off the map, it's all they can do. - Oh yeah.

Winnipeg got fucked up. Winnipeg is a weird place. It is. Neil Young's from there. It's Stab City or something. What did they always say? Stab City? Never take a Winnipeg handshake, which is just where somebody stabs you. Whoa. Nine people said that while I was there. What? They got no guns there, so they're stabby. They're stabby.

That's an awful adjective. He's a little stabby. Do you get Joe List with cities where Joe's scared to go outside? He's scared of the kooks. Yeah, what is that? Meanwhile, he lives in Kookville. Because things happen to him. In Vegas, he got circled by kids on a bike. Oh, that's right. You know when you're scared, it kind of finds you? Yes, yes. It's like my friends who lock their money up and shit, they always get robbed. You know what I mean? Right.

He always like whack shit happens to him. Yeah. You have to just be like, you just walk around confidently. And if something happens, it happens. Dude. I feel like Steve Rogers has been punched in the head by almost five times. He's got a real punchable mug. That guy, he was like a little kid. Uh,

But we were at my wedding in New Orleans, and Liz is like, this town's crazy. There's too many psychos here. And Andy Haynes, we're all eating at this brunch spot. Andy Haynes is like, shut up, you big pussy. What are you talking about? He's very progressive. He's like, it's fine. And we look outside. There's a guy getting stabbed in the courtyard. And the cops come, and Liz is like, thank you very much. All right, here we go. And the cops start stabbing Liz. Yeah, he's like, I saw your last special. I hated it.

yeah but that was a true story new orleans is very violent it's why that's a great city though that's a fun city that's a great city not a great comedy city no no although the last one i did was pretty i did the film where last time was pretty fun oh the film or i heard savaros told me that's a tough room i i liked them okay it's funny i liked him and then my agent forwarded me uh an email being like this is the worst show i've ever seen and i was like well i was like that was a pretty good one and why you forwarded me these hate

Because the things I find, I do find them funny. Okay, okay. I think when someone writes a long thing about how much they hated the show, I find it funny. That is enjoyable. Yeah. Yeah, so. Sometimes I get the lady like, you were so offensive, you should be ashamed of yourself. And I'm like, that's funny. Yeah, yeah. No, it wasn't like, you know, you should kill yourself. It was like, he's disgusting, awful. I find that shit kind of funny. Do you get women? Because you're a lady. So are women like, you're not being ladylike and you're wearing pants that are torn and your hair is weird? No way. Okay, good. No, I don't.

But I don't read anything. I don't read comments. Oh, really? I don't read emails. Buckle up. I can show you some stuff. Don't. People send it to me. I cannot. Who sends you that stuff?

My friends will be like, fuck this guy. And it's like somebody being like... Oh my God, my mom does that too. My mom's like, I read this awful review and I'm like, I never would have seen this. Yeah, yeah. No, I don't read anything like that because I don't... Yeah, I don't want to know. If I have cancer, don't want to know. If somebody cheats on me, don't want to know. I want to know about the cancer. I want to be kept in the dark. The terminal? You should know about... Not if it's terminal. Yeah. If it's like...

I'd like to know. Yeah, I want to know that. Yeah. But yeah, if somebody cheats on me, I'm like, keep me in the dark. But yeah, I don't want to know what people think. I had one woman try to fight me on a stage because I... Whoa. Yeah. But they got her. I mean, because...

I was like, do you have a weird relationship with your dad? And she got weird. And I was like, don't get weird. I was like, did you fuck him? Did you guys fuck? And she like stormed off and was sobbing in a bathroom. And then I just like went in all about her. I was like, this is all just a move to get this guy to go in there after her. And he was like, it's true. It's true. Wow. And then she came out of the bathroom and I realized she heard everything because there was a speaker going in there and she tried to storm on stage. That was in Appleton.

Interesting town. Yeah. Wisconsin. Yeah. Yeah, wow, that's crazy. I've been there, yeah. It's kind of a cute city, but it's definitely...

off the beaten path. Like that's one of those, like some of these connect flight cities. I'm like, fuck. Oh yeah. Just Spokane or whatever. Yeah. Well, that's not a bad club, but that's a good club. Yeah. But sometimes, you know, when you're connecting, you're like, this could be tough. Yeah. And I was a little, we getting that little plane to connect. They're like, this is the, this is the bullshit express. Yeah. Right. The turbulence is crazy. Yes. Dude, I'm getting, I never was scared of turbulence and now I'm scared of it. Yeah.

I never cared. I was ready to die. Have you been on a private jet yet? Too much turbulence. I don't like it. That is real turbulence where you're like, whoa, whoa. And you have karma. Like, I've been on a plane with like, you know, when I'm on a private jet, it's like with Louie or something. Yeah. And I'm like, if you're so rich that you're taking a private jet, if God is going to smite either the commercial jet full of children or Louie C.K. and me, it's going to choose us. Like, we are going down. Have you seen him wig out? He hates it. He's like, whoo!

You're like, hey, man, come on. I look up to you. Keep it together. What are you doing? It is funny to meet your heroes and be like, what the fuck was that? Yes, yes. See that they're scared of bees? Like, no. Right, right. It is weird, though, because you're also in the top .0001% if you're on a private jet in that moment. Yeah. And you're like, this sucks. I know. Yeah. Yeah.

Why is it there's so much just because they're smaller. Yeah. The wind's throwing it around. It's so scary. That's why those like big New York to L.A. planes are kind of like in a way. Great. I mean, they're annoying because those are the ones I like. Yeah. Yeah. But you're like, I feel better. I mean, I like when there are children around me because I'm like, this is we're OK. We're OK. I'm the least important person who dies on this. That's OK. You know what I mean? Yeah. When I'm in a private jet, I'm like, dude.

Totally. We're going down. First part of that was the same as Jared Fogle. But yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I knew something was coming. There are kids around me. I feel good. I almost used a comedian, but I turned it around to another guy. But yeah. Spacey's taking a lot of strays in the last few weeks. We like to mix it around here. We'd love to have you on, Kev.

It's also good to have a woman. We haven't had a woman on this show forever. Wow. This is, yeah. Well, this is, we're easing back into women. Even I looked around and I was like, is she here? Is Rosalind here? What happened? That might be her last woman. You got a title for the thing? Special? I think it's going to be called Take Me With You. When is it out? Or Speed Bag. I'm choosing between the two. Ooh.

Wait, tape me with you or speed bag? Yeah. I don't know. I kind of like tape me with you. That's kind of fun. Yeah, it's more tidily, but speed bag is, I think, a drugs. What are you probably talking about? Yeah. Okay. Speed bag is what I described, the loose skin that was on my stomach. Oh, when you say that. Yeah. That's kind of fun. That's kind of fun. But tape me with you is like just a little part where I say when somebody breaks up with me, I'm like, yeah, get out of here. Run. Take me with you. Oh.

Oh, got it, got it. And I was thinking about just having that in the beginning and then having Take Me With You and then going into it. I like it. That sounds more like a title, Take Me With You. I can see that on a...

Yeah. Netflix. It's Netflix, right? Yeah. Is it out soon? Congrats. It's hopefully September. We hope. If they do that, they might push it forever, right? I don't know. Nah. I don't know why. Okay. But you got to do all the promoting. They don't promote those bloodsuckers. I got to do a whole podcast thing? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Go out to LA, do Bobby and Santino and the other guy, whatever. The other guy. And that's it, right? Just podcasts. There's no other secret. I mean, you could go on Fox News and...

to talk about stuff okay but it's not like you have to like do a i don't have to hire a no don't get the publicist they'll they'll rape you but i mean i i don't they ever work though do they i mean i'm always touring should they just do everything i mean it's just like i'm always on the road so they just you know well they'll be like it'll be 14 000. mine's not that bad we'll get you on we might be drunk oh yeah text somebody okay so be weary of that

Okay. We'll get you on the Cellar podcast. Yeah. No one listens to that. Yeah. What are we doing? I don't want to talk about Gaza. Yeah. You want to, yeah, just do the pods and do whatever, you know? Do whatever. I always feel like it's good to get outside of our bubbles.

Yeah. I feel like every time, because, yeah, I do the same shit. I pay these people, and then they're like, we got you on two bears. I'm like, I know them. I know. I know. That's one thing. Schultz went on Barry Weiss, Megyn Kelly, Shea Shea. I'm like, oh, wow, he really got out of the bubble.

I was thinking about getting a stencil and spray painting it. Jordan Jensen, Netflix, all through Brooklyn and Manhattan. Hey, old school. That'd be cool, right? Grassroots. Nobody's done that. That's true. That's true. It would be Jordan Jensen, Netflix, da-da-da-da-da. Because you see those and you're like, who had the balls to do that? And I've always wanted graffiti. Well, you should pay a migrant to do that. Don't do the publicist, do the migrant. That's not bad. That's good. That is good. A dollar a day. Or 15.

Or a teen. Just a teen. Or a teen. Yeah. Get an NYU kid or something. I saw a teen stealing the other day. Little, maybe like 11-year-old black kid ran out with some...

What is it called that you put wash clothes with that I don't use? Detergent. Detergent. Ran out with it. That's rough that you didn't know that word. Yeah, I know, I know. Ran out with it. I use Dr. Bronner's. And ran out with it. What is that other thing? Soap? Yeah, what is it? Soap? And a tampon. I go with an old rag. Dude, I'm out on tampons. Biggest decision of my life. What? You pad chick? Dude, I've been against pads my entire life. Here's the deal. Tampons, disgusting. What?

witch's finger that absorbs blood and then sits in your pussy? - It is a crazy concept. - It's gross, but they taste good, but yeah. - You go wings or no?

You are married. Yeah, I do like the wind. I know nothing that's happening right now. I'm like, what? Red Bull, it gives you wings. Wings are great. The wings are good. Yeah. Okay. Yep, I'm all about pads. Ladies, I know you're not watching this podcast, but go pads. That was for like special needs women who can't. Dude, that's what I thought too. I'm almost thinking about going full. Like, have you seen diapers for, they're like soft and-

Yeah, boy, oh boy, you're going to cruise right into senior citizen age. No, they have big diapers. I mean the ones that your kid wears I think could stretch out nice and tight. This is the slippery slope. I like it. You're against banks, but you're down for depends. Oh, yeah. I was a bed wetter, so I wore those.

- Oh really, a bed wetter? - Big time. - At sleepovers you ever do it? - Oh yeah. - It sucks. - I would stay up all night like a patrolman and then eventually you'd conk out and fall asleep for two seconds and you're like, ah, I'm covered in piss. - What is that? Is it a nightmare you have in U of P? - They say it's trauma. I had some weird, I had a weird childhood. - Was sex stuff? - No, no, break ins and bad home.

Oh, break-ins will do it. Oh, yeah. In the middle of the night, fear. Yeah. I remember being an eight-year-old, and I would hear people breaking shit in the living room because I lived above the living room. I could hear it, and you're like, there's a guy in my house. That's so scary. It was terrifying. But you would all eat dinner or breakfast the next morning. No one brought it up. So you get a bad side effect to an already bad thing. Yes. Good point. Yeah. I think I was just so scared as a kid.

- That sucks. - Good times. - I was scared at night. I would hallucinate all the time. - Really? - Did you ever do that in the middle of the night? - What is it, yeah, like what? - Where you just like see shit. I would always see these things that I thought were fingers. Anytime I got a fever, I would see a finger poking out of all these places and my mom would come in and I'd be like, "Get the finger." And I'd be like, "It's in your hair." - Too dead. - It was a cock. It was a cock.

Because my dad would walk around naked. It took me forever to realize it was a big penis. Because I was like, it's a big finger. It's like a thick, big finger. You got your revenge by referring to his cock as a finger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get your finger out of here. I'd see a guy like a coat rack and you're like, is that a guy? Oh my god, the coat racks. But never had the dick finger dead. Our brains would do crazy things with just a coat on a chair. That's the scariest thing I've ever seen. 100%. Or like on wood

Paneling Yes Yes the face So scary So scary I still have Home invasion Up here like I'm scared Of spiders or heights Or whatever Home invasion is my I got a real problem With that And it happened To you in New York too Which is like crazy Yeah that's true That's true Did somebody steal All your When he was in the village Yeah you left town Guy came in Through the window On the fire escape He climbed up The fire escape

I left my window open. I was on like the second floor and he was a crackhead, broken, stepped across my bed so he could see the footprints and

That's more horrifying. Horrifying. And then I came home and a bunch of shit was turned over. But he found I had a drawer with all my good stuff in it. I didn't have a safe. I had a drawer. I had cash, drugs, brass knuckles, a knife, all cool guy shit, baseball cards, a Playboy, a slingshot. But I had like six grand in cash from seller spots. I would just throw it in there every night and he took all of it.

- I know, I have mine distributed around. - Oh, good move. - That's also why, part of the reason I got a dog was because there was a fire escape that went right into my window like that.

There you go. She's tiny. She barks at everything. She sounds big. You can't see her. Well, you put some cash in those pads and no one's going near that shit, I'll tell you that. Look at those. Look at that diaper. Come on. Anyone else hard? That's good. Yeah. Wow. It's just a big step in my life to get rid of the tampons. I know, but you got to pull a...

messy pad out of your panties. Go like this. Rip it off and then all of a sudden your underwear, it's like nothing ever happened to it. Oh, okay. You toss it away. The tampon, you pull it out. There's blood hanging off of it. Really? It's horrendous. Sometimes it gets full so you can just pull it out.

Push it out like that. That sucks. Yeah. It's not good. Being a woman's tough. I guess so. It's pretty... That's what my whole hour is about, is about how it's weird that we have to do all this disgusting shit, and yet we have to be hot. Some women, not me. Right. Interesting. It is weird. It's weird that your wife ripped open and pushed a child out, and it's now hot again. Yeah, she looks good. Yeah. That's nuts. Yes. How does that happen? What does she do? Does she go into the gym and stuff a lot? She works out from home, but...

you know, you shed a lot of it just naturally. Did her ankles get scary? No, no. She actually kind of killed it during pregnancy. She looked good the whole time. We'd have pregnant sex. You'd roll her over and

Get in there. That's all you need. Yeah. Just a little mail slot. Yeah. Sometimes you can feel the baby's hand on your hand. That's nice. Double teaming her. Yeah. We're high-fiving. But yeah, yeah. You shed a lot of it, and she's active. She's always walking and moving around, so it sheds. How is being a, is it crazy? It's crazy. It's crazy. Because you miss, you go on the road, and you used to go on the road, you're like, look at this. I'm waking up at noon in a hotel, and now I'm like, what's going on?

"What's the baby doing? "Does he remember me?" - Wow. - I'm texting her like, "Hey, tell the baby I said hi." And she's like, "It's a baby." But I went to Europe and you're like, "Gah, I gotta get back." - Really? - I missed the baby. - So pro-baby. - I was never a baby guy either. I've never held a baby, never changed a diaper until this guy. - You figure it out. - You figure it out big time. It kicks in 'cause you have to.

- Is it annoying, the crying? - It is, but you kinda learn what the baby likes and what he doesn't like, so the crying goes down. - And he's used to it with her, so you know. - Yeah, exactly. - And did it bring you guys up closer or further? - Oh, definitely closer. - Really? - 'Cause you're a team now. It's two against one. - Oh, cool. Do you want kids?

- I think I would someday, yeah. - Yeah, we've talked about this. - I'm getting older. - Fucking Chris DiStefano's kid made me want a kid. - Really? - You fucking the kid made you want a kid? - Me fucking the kid? Why the kid? Yeah, I could have a kid to fuck all the time. It was mine? - A lot of people. - And I owned it illegally? - Wait, the girl? - Oh yeah, we were hanging out. - She's funny. - Ripped, dude. - She's really funny. - Dude, at one point, we're all going like this, 'cause she had to stay outside.

And we're like all trying to figure out how to go up so that somebody's babysitting her at all time. And we're doing like Rubik's cube math. We're like, Sam goes up, then Jordan. Oh my God. That was a crazy day. Excuse me. Excuse me. And we're like, quiet your child. And then finally she goes, the person who goes up first, we'll go up and then come back out and watch me the whole time. We were like,

Yeah. Oh, wow. It was something like that. That's adorable. That was in Hammond, Indiana at a casino. You, me, and Chris. That was hilarious. Oh, wow. Yeah. I was picturing the cellar in my head. This is at Hammond. Yeah. No, they wouldn't let a kid in the casino. Ah! So we were like, okay. So Jordan and I were like, we'll stay outside and watch the kid. And-

They were like, the kid can't come in. I'm like, but we're performing. They're like, state rules. Can't be in. And we're like, but surely there's... That guy with the giant thing on his face. Oh, yeah. He had a big thing on his face. I was like, why can we not bring the kid, but you can bring... Yeah, that's way more offensive than a child. A bull or a goiter? What are we talking here? It was a goiter. It was fucking insane. It was a big-ass goiter. Yikes. If I right-hooked him, that would have exploded. We could have made a run for it, but... No, it was crazy. And he was like...

He was one of those real, like, I'm in charge type guys. We're just trying to not get... You were being so cool, though. I was? I get so mad. Yeah, you were being so diplomatic. I get so mad. I'm like, what the... I get very Italian very quick. Or I just want a fist fight. And you're like, okay, we'll figure it out. Yeah, we're just trying to keep the kid calm. I try and get in a physical fight constantly. I fight with people all the time. When's the last time you threw hands? At the airport. What?

At the airport. You're that guy? You're the airport fight guy? Yeah, outside. Outside. I tried to fight a guy recently where I said, let's go outside and talk about this. And Jake grabbed me and was like, don't. I'll have to fight. And I was like, okay, fine. Yeah, that's true. Jake's four foot three. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. You're fighting men?

Yeah, if I have to. This guy I fought, the one guy I fought, they don't fight back. Yeah, that's true. So you just end up, I just smushed him against a car and was screaming at him and saying that he fucks kids, which was crazy. Oh, that's funny. Because he hit my dog with his bag on purpose. What? On purpose. Dude, I flipped out. Was it definitely on purpose? Yeah, he goes, excuse me. And then I go.

I said, excuse me for you. He goes, excuse me. And then I go, surely he's not talking to me. There's so much room. That's crazy. And then he goes, I said, excuse me and hit her. Whoa. And she was like, you know, and she's the cutest angel in my life. And so then I ran after him and he goes, I said, excuse me. And I was like, you fucking, I was like, you're a sociopath. Oh, you're in the right. Yeah. There was a group of black girls there. That was sick. Cause they were cheering me on. Oh, nice. That's big.

And I was like, sociopaths, what else do you do? You fuck kids? And then I went, hey, everybody, this guy fucks kids. And he was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I don't know. I'm getting carried away, man. Wow. That's my worst nightmare at an airport. Yeah. Everyone yelled at me. Yeah. I don't want to get busted either. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I get so pissed. It's just justice. It's like if something happens that nobody, you know what I mean? Yeah, and nothing better than a group of black girls on your side. Oh, it was the best. All waiting for the bus because it was outside at the Uber stand. Oh, yeah. You tell them.

It was good. Damn. Well, hey, check out the special. Oh, yeah. I wish it was me. No. Take me with you. Take me with you. Or Speedbag. Let's get some tour dates going here. Who's this for here? Have you guys been here? Mark Ridley's? Oh, it's Great Room. Classic. Oh, wow. Did not expect that. Oh, yeah. Old school. And you know what I love about that club? It's in Royal Oak, Michigan. Jordan will be there June 12th through the...

through the 14th. It's got like every old headshot. So I love clubs that you're walking by like Gary Shanley and I'm John Stewart. I love shit like that. A lot of history. You'll be in D.C. the following weekend, June 20th through 22nd. Then Denver.

at comedy works great club Dallas Texas oh you're hitting the road hard in the summer to July Dallas in July lovely time to go to Texas I know then awesome the first through the third you'll be at the mothership that's cool and then uh oh Matt you're just doing like the best clubs ever here comedy on state oh my god summer these are great yeah Spokane is fun watch out for the candy

Bray Improv's a great room. These are all great clubs. It's big. Oh, I love Rochester. I'm going there that month, too. I love Rochester. That's near home, so I'll just go. Oh, yeah. The darkness. And then Houston, you're hitting the road hard. Greenville, South Carolina. This is going to be a fun little ride. Then you're hitting Europe. Look at that. Woo!

In the fall, go see Jordan all over Europe, London, Amsterdam, Oslo. I'll give you some tips for these places because I just did it too. Paris, Berlin, Nashville, then back to Nashville. You're hitting it hard. Go see Jordan Jensen on the road. Punchup.live slash Jordan Jensen.

This is me. Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie, July 12th. The Wilbur, what day is that? August 7th. I'll be at Boston, the Wilbur. Irvine Improv, August 22nd through 24th. Then we got Oklahoma City the following weekend. That's a fun one, too. The Venetian in Vegas, September 19th. Rochester as well. I'll be there. The Carlson, the 25th through the 27th.

Then we got Chicago Theater, October 4th, one of my favorite rooms. Next night, Winnipeg, as I said. Going back to Utah, November 14th through 16th at Salt Lake City, Wiseguys. And then Carnegie Hall, New York City, December 4th. Buy tickets, please. I hope to see you there. What a run. That's a fun one. Marcus, what do you got? I'm at the Egg.

Speaking of upstate, one of the best. Great room. Burlington, Vermont, Wausau, Wisconsin, whatever that is. Green Bay, that'll be a connecting flight. Eugene, Oregon at the McDonald Theater. San Jose, Hyannis Mass in the Melody Tent. Come on out to that bean town and connecting areas. Then I'm at the Grand Cedar Showroom at Foxwoods in Connecticut. Ben Salem at the Parks Casino. Then we're going to Australia, New Zealand, folks. Sydney, Melbourne, Adelaide, Brisbane, Perth.

And then I'm off in the Hamptons for a night, bringing the wife and the baby. We'll hit the water. Then I'm going to Alberta with Adam Ray, doing the outdoor festival. Vegas, Dallas, nine shows sold out. Wow. Yeah, back in the clubs. I'm running an hour. I'm doing a special shoot in October, November, so I'm just running it. Then Akron, Dayton, Canada, Canada.

Anal, queef, semen. We'll see you in hell. Thanks a lot, folks. Jordan. Look out for Jordan's special coming to hopefully Netflix in September. And being Ian. And being Ian. And RIP Jordan Jensen. And RIP Jordan Jensen. The podcast I have here. Huh? I have a solo. Oh, great. Boy, you're busy. I'm very busy. All right. I need to sleep. All right. Yes, thank you.

I'm out to lunch here in New. This woman doesn't want to be true.