Ep 237: Dolph Lundgren
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And we're back. Hey. We are here. We might be drunk. This is going to be a spicy one, I feel like. Not going to get well. I guess they saw the thumbnail. They know he's coming. Okay. Well, yeah, this is very exciting. He's not in yet, but he's on his way. We're starting early. He's not late. I know people comment when people are late.

He's not Jordan Jensen-ing. He's just coming on time. We're starting early. Although she might be more manly than he is. All right. We're off to a fun start. Look, what a night last night at the Cellar, by the way. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Show up, do some shows. I bump into Liz. She goes, Adam Sandler's here. And I go, holy shit, it's the Sandman, Tappy Gilmore, Billy Mad. Here we go. Opera man.

opera man ah i mean he's got a long list he's got a list big daddy yeah that's a weird third pick alarm water boy water boy remember the pick alarm not really pull up the pick alarm this was when he was really uh like i got i need a i need a sketch quick um pick alarm oh yeah it was a week and update thing that didn't really take but

He had a, you know, he's got quite the resume, obviously. He's Adam Saylor. Sandman. Yeah. And so I run a show at the Cellar and I was like, hey, Liz, can you get him on my show? And she was like, I already sent him over. And then I walk in. You're in there with him. Yeah. Yeah. He asked me which room was good. And I said, for what you're doing, I would do McDougal and the lounge.

Because, it's like, you want intimate, because you're doing stuff that you're not confident in. Do, like, McDougal is low ceilings, intimate, and the lounge the same. Yeah. It's so funny, that fucking setup. You can still hear clapping the other room. I know. It's fucking Sandler. Fix this. I know. Yeah, what are we doing here? It was all embarrassing. But he's such a sweet guy. He's wearing a puffy jacket and basketball shorts and dirty sneakers, and he's got a fucking thick beard and a...

We go, you go, can he go next? I go, sure. I tell the guy, give him a note.

Adam Sandler gets called up, and then he goes, you're the man. And he taps me on the hand. That was great. There's Pickle Arm. And then he went on and did new stuff. It was awesome. Yeah, it was fun, man. Super fun, super cool to see. He might be the most likable celebrity. Yeah. He's so endearing. He doesn't feel like a celebrity. He just feels like a regular dude. Also, I told you, the wife is so, she's like so attracted to him. And she's like, the bad dressing is even hotter. But...

You have to be that famous to even it out. Yeah, you just look like a piece of shit if you're not cool. Exactly. She doesn't say that about Salicus. I mean, look at this guy. This is like if you like like a four year old special needs kid in a closet. But it's cool on him. But it works. It makes it work. Yeah. No hoop in those like kind of Hawaiian polos.

Which I love. I love that. Hawaiian polo. What a hilarious combination, a Hawaiian polo. I love it, dude. I love it. He's the man. Yeah, it was a fun night. Dude, Carl Anthony Towns was at the Cellar the other night, too. Oh, finally. We get the story. So Carl Anthony Towns, the big man on the Knicks. Bodega Cat. Bodega Cat. That's his fucking nickname. So he walks in and Liz, the Cellar manager-

is wearing a Bodega Cat shirt. And he goes, I love your shirt. And she goes, let me introduce you to someone. Oh, no. So I'm on stage fucking around with Mateo and Will in the other room. And she's like, get off stage. I'm like, let me do one more joke. She's like, get the fuck off stage. And I was like, all right. Wow. So Mateo's like, ooh, you're getting bitched around. But I'm like, but she did me a solid. She's like, it's Corey Anthony Towns. I was like, OK. By the way, you guys on stage are a Jew, a black, and a gay walking to a club. It's really like the college pamphlet Avengers. Yeah.

But so I'm talking to Liz. She pulled me over and Carl was at the bar and he's got his girlfriend or wife. I don't know if they're married, whatever together. They're just chilling. And

We start chatting nicks. We start chatting. Wow. We're like breaking down each series. He's super cool. And then I'm like, can I give you something? And he goes, yeah. And Liz gives me a bottle of Bodega Cat to give him. And he goes, oh, my God, I love this. This is amazing. And he goes, old fashioned is my favorite drink. And he's looking at the menu. He's looking at the menu. And he goes, and Bodega Cat is in it. Wow. Did he do the shimmy? Yeah.

He did not do the shit. Of course, Mateo's like, he's so gay. He comes down. He goes, that guy's so gay. I'm like, all right, settle. You think everyone's gay? He's like, yeah, but that guy is gay. That's true. Keep it down. He's with his wife. Gay guys think everyone's gay. They really do. They think they can turn anyone. Yes, yes. They're confident. You know what? Because they probably turned like one or two.

Right. Cause I had a gay friend. He used to like take Ubers home. Yeah. You know, this guy, I don't want to say his name, but he used to take Ubers home. Oh, Joe list. And, uh, and he'd be like, do you want to get jerked off to the driver? And it would work sometimes he would like jerk off. And I'd be like, what a weird, I'm like, do you tip on top of that? I feel like that's the tip, right? Yeah. Good question. But, uh, yeah, no, but he was cool as hell. And then as he's, we talked for a while, I didn't want to overdo it. And, uh,

As he's walking out, he holds a bottle up. He goes, I'm bringing this on vacation. I'm so excited. Holy hell. Yeah, and I went over to do it because a lot of people were hanging after. But he ended up hanging until like 3 in the morning. What? And I left. I was like, I want to leave on a high. But he was very cool. Stupid question. Was this before or after the Big Pacers ending? After, of course. He's not out like that. I was going to say. Yeah, yeah. If he was, I'd blame him for the loss. Oh.

He actually was the best for us in that series. Oh, yeah. He was good. But it looks like your computer's not even loading you. What's going on? Oh, there we go. It's crazy because after all that. Oh, wait. I'm starting to get the Mateo thing now. Is it better? Yeah, give it way higher.

how tall are we talking he's seven feet wow

Where is he from? Jersey. Oh, nice. Sorry, not too far. What the hell is this, Peters, with your crazy jacket? Oh, my God. What did we do? 69, Morel. Whoa. Bodega cat. We might be drunk. What the hell? Come on. Did I get my size right? Large. Canadian, too. Wow. Norman. Oh, come on. Can we wear these next step? Hell, yeah.

Boy, they're thick. This is heavy. Oh, Brooklyn Bodega Cat. Now, is this... I feel bad. Is this a real team? Mark McDonald.

No, there's no way this is a real. Okay. I was going to say, I don't know him. Well, it will be after this. The Brooklyn Bodega cat. Wow. Thank you. Whoever Mark McDonald is. What a guy. I love it. This is so cool. Unbelievable. Wow. I'm going to wear this while I fuck. I'm going to wear what I jerk off. In an Uber. Wow. It was our gay friend who talked like Snagglepuss, by the way. Oh,

Okay, got it. What? I just want to jerk off your dick. Yeah, but look, there's some guys out there who are like, I can turn any lesbian, just give them one look at what I say. Oh, I've never heard a guy say that. Yeah, maybe you're right. I can turn a lesbian? Yeah. I don't even think I can get a lesbian to enjoy a conversation with me.

Turn a lesbian? Yeah, good point. What are we talking about? Yeah, yeah. I've been to a lesbian bar. They're just like, what? Yeah, what are you doing here? What? Not very inclusive. Yeah. They're not. No, they're not. So why are we at the lesbian bar? Well, I mean, it's a free country. I'm dropping in for a cocktail after my long day of homophobia. I'm thirsty. I want a drink. Yeah. Do you have any good names for lesbian bars? Oh.

Well, I got the mountain guzzle. Scissors. I had a whole bit about this. I can't remember it. Yeah. Clits with a Z. Oh, clits with a Z was big. That's big. Yeah, that was fun.

Yeah, thank you. I forgot about that. Yeah, they do not. I used to live in the village, but there was cubbies. Cubbyhole. Cubbyhole. I've been there once. Great park. I went in by accident. I was like, oh, cubbyhole. I'm like, then you're at the bar. You're like, wait a second. Yeah. Cubbyhole. Everyone here has armpit hair. What the hell? Pull up cubbyhole. It's a cute little hole in the wall. I'm not a fan of the armpit hair on women. I'm not either. I know that you just want to be free and it's like hippy dippy, but it's like,

Sometimes you'll see the hottest girl and then she lifts it up and you're like, what the fuck? I know. I'd rather see a dick. I think this is controversial. Not really. I think this is controversial, but I'm with you. The armpit hair is no point. Is it controversial? Well, I mean, I don't know if men are allowed to have a preference, but- We're allowed to have a preference. It's a free country. Tell my audience. But my wife will be like, that's a handsome guy, but he's got a ponytail. That's out. He's out. So I'm like, okay.

I feel the same way about the armpit hair. - The ponytail is, it's a heat check. - I guess so. - It's a real heat check. It's like you're getting so much ass, you're like, I'm gonna go, it's like when Leonardo DiCaprio had like a man bun and you're like, oh, you're getting too much ass. - Yeah. - That you're just gonna like be like, I'm just gonna do this. - Right, you can't be stopped. - It's like Orlando Bloom would do, it's like dudes who are getting too many chicks. - Right. - Will be like, musicians. - Yep, yep, yep. But I think women-- - You don't see a doctor with a ponytail.

You better not. You get an accountant with a ponytail, you're like, what the fuck? Yeah. Oh, God. An accountant with a ponytail. That's no good. He's taking your money. Yeah. Yeah. That guy's a Coke dealer. The heat check dying your armpit hair. It's just not my... No. It's a strange...

Yeah, yeah. I know I offended our three female listeners. But, you know, not my thing. Not my thing. Not doing that. Not doing the ponytail. Not for me. It's going to be a kink, though, for somebody. Oh, for sure. For sure. I don't know. I don't think it's a kink.

There's no, maybe people are okay with it, but there's no like porn category chicks with armpit hair. Well, I mean, I guess you could find anything if you look for it. That's true. Oh, now I'm excited. I love how fucked up your Google search history is because of us. Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is. It's just a guy. All right. Well, now we're getting chicks with dicks. This is a whole different ballgame. Yeah. All right. Yeah. But a chick with a dick usually has less armpit hair.

Really? They usually shave it. Really? I think so, yeah. Because the dick is like a misdirect. It's like a big switch. Yes, yes. It's like when a realtor says it's a two-bedroom and you're like, this is a one-bedroom convertible. Yeah, what the hell? There's a chimney. You lied. Yeah, exactly. No, you're right because they're feminine everywhere else. Right. And then the penis is the surprise. Yeah, if you're bi, if you're a bi dude, that's the best of both worlds. You get the boobs.

You get the femininity and you get the railing of a dong. I'm with you, dude. You hear Billie Eilish is getting all this shit for coming out as bi, which first off, you don't get to come out as bi. Yeah. You don't get to come out as I'm cool with everything. Yes. That's not brave. That's like you're fortunate. Oh, if you're gay, you're like, OK, well, I have there's less people I get. Yes. But if you're bi, you get everyone. This is a bit. Maybe you don't get to cut. It's fortunate. You are fortunate. That's good.

I mean, Woody Allen at the old bit, you've doubled your chance for a date on a Saturday. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But if we were bi, we could be blowing each other and then do the show and then we'd be living high on the hog. Yeah, I've noticed like Mateo has a lot of like friends. He's like, I've hooked up with him, but we're cool now. And I'm like, I have like no exes that I'm friends with.

Are you friends with any exes? Not really. I mean, I'm cool. I'm cool. But I'm not, like, hanging out with them. Exactly. Well, it's hard. It's hard, yeah. Then there's sexual tension. They hate you or whatever it is. I think dudes look at sex as, I guess, look, if you're just hooking up, it's different. Like, I guess he's probably not friends with any of his exes. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I don't think he is. But like just hooking up, you're like, who gives a... Yeah. Someone I just hooked up with like once. Well, have you seen the gay friends do Grindr? I mean, it's like, oh, there's a guy 600 feet away. I'll be right back. And you're like, wow. They do it like Uber. Yeah, yeah. The guy pulls up in the car, get in. Yeah, you could go on a date, get rejected, and then be like, I'll fuck my Uber driver on the ride home. Yeah. Think about that Uber driver sucking the guy's dick or jerking him off. Yeah. You rate him afterwards. Like what rating do you give? You gotta go five. You're going five for sure. I go five without a jerk. Yeah, yeah.

You know what they need is Grindr. You come and go five stars, yeah. They need Grindr and Uber to merge. So there's a gay Gruber. They need Gruber. But in New York. Or Grift. In New York, that's tough. Why? Because I can't drive.

But you're not gay. But I'm like, I know. But if I was gay, I'm like, I'm like the bottom. I'm the guy who always needs to ride. Oh, well, I'm just saying if you're if I was a gay man and I wanted to drive a bunch of gay guys around as an Uber driver, it would be nice to have my own category. It is tough, though. So wait, but you're the one getting jerked off.

The driver's the one who gets jerked off. Oh. How many times can you get jerked off in a night? Yeah. That's the flaw in the technology right there. I'll take that challenge. You've got to pop a Viagra and just keep... I was talking to an old guy the other day, and he goes...

He goes, yeah, man, I just you ever pop a Viagra? He's like in his 60s. There's some at the gym. He's a guy I chat with. And you go, I go, no, you know, I've never done it. And he goes, you should. He goes, I had these two chicks. I just I tore them apart because I took Viagra. I just fucked them both. It was great. And I was like, oh, shit. I'm like, but it's like a drug. And he's like, no, it's not like a drug. He's like, but then, you know, he goes, but actually one time I I didn't use it with a girl I was dating. She was like, what happened? I was like, yeah, it's a fucking drug, dude.

You can't rely on it. You get dependent on it. That's my thing. I don't want to use Viagra until I need it. But I have heard stories, like Stavi's told me stories where he's like, fuck, like a superhero. Yeah. Oh, it works. It works. By the way, I didn't know you were at P. Diddy's locker room. But I like the old guy, like peddling. Hey, you got to get on it, man. He's trying to like get you a sandbag. Yeah, like what investment do you have in my sex life? He's going to be your dealer. He's trying to help, I think. He's like, you should try it. All right. I mean, it does work. He recommends restaurants, too. He's not just talking about it.

It's easy. You guys have an intimate relationship. We have conversations. This is pretty nice. You've got like a father figure. Locker room talk. All right. Well, it works. Blue Chew, all that shit, it's unreal. But you do have to use it sparingly. How much have you used it? I've used it as a, we got free Blue Chew for all the podcasts. So I'd be like. I didn't get, did I get it? My other pod.

Oh. Yeah, we get a ton of blue chew. And so you'll be like, well, let me try it. I'm on vacation with the wife. And then we're banging on the balcony. You're banging in the car. You're banging in the Uber. Do you really bang on the balcony? We have, yeah. I see a balcony. I got to bang on it. I know. Not in New York. There's too many windows.

That's their problem. If they remade Rear Window, you'd have to have people just fucking there. I'm going full... If I was on the Titanic, wherever that scene, I would be inside of her. Just saying. Yeah, I guess it is cool to fuck. I've never done it. What? I've never fucked on a balcony, I don't think. Maybe in a hotel balcony. Yeah, come on. No, yeah. No, it is...

It is pretty cool. What are you doing? Oh, Titanic porn. Nice. Nothing wrong with that. There's a porn for everything now. Simpsons, Seinfeld, everything. Seinfeld porn is weird. It's weird. It's fucking Elaine. Kramer slides in. What's the deal with Bukkake? You done there, buddy? The gangbang. Hello, Newman. Yeah.

They won't let George in the orgies. Like, George is getting upset. Hello, Newman. It's great. We are, ladies, on with our guest right now being like, don't show up. Matt, that's a clip right there. Seinfeld porn. Yes.

Put it side by side with the porn if you don't mind. Yeah, let's get some of those pics. I've seen the Family Guy porn. I haven't watched it, but I've seen the thumbnail. Lois being nasty. Oh, Lois looks great. Of Joe in the wheelchair not being able to get it up. Simpsons porn is weird too because that was like my childhood. I know. I was a little older when Family Guy came out, but Marge is like...

That's like our mom right there. That's fucked up. I know. I know. It's crazy. There's Quagmire going to town. Oh, wait. Now we got inset. His son is involved. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. That's too much. Oh, this is crazy. It has to be inset more, right? Nah, Moe could be banging Mars. Blanders is a hunk. He's ripped. Mustache. Forget about it.

Why the mom-son thing? And Bart is an adult there, too. Yeah, that's the problem with this. I'm like, not the mom and the son. I'm like, it's a cartoon porn, and I'm upset about the character. Jesus. Maggie? What the fuck are we doing? Oh, my God. I'm into this too much.

Well, Maggie's used to having something in her mouth. I'll say that. Yeah. What is happening? Oh, hey, Milhouse's mom. Milhouse's mom. That was one of the best episodes. The divorce? Yeah. I love that ending where it's like, come on, what do you say we give it one more shot? She's like, no. No.

Can I borrow a feeling? That was, oh. Yeah. Can I borrow a feeling? The Simpsons made sadness so funny. Like, every time they were sad, it was really well done. Like, Moe is the saddest man on the planet. My favorite Simpsons joke of all time is who shot Mr. Burns? They got Moe on the lie detector, and they go, where were you on Saturday night? He's like, I had a hot date. Dinner with friends. Dinner alone. Yeah.

All right, I was ogling the women in the Playboy at Sears Catalog. Ding! It just kept going, kept going. Yeah, they have levels. I mean, you're talking good sad jokes. That Milhouse episode had such good jokes. The dad showing off his new bachelor pad to Homer. Oh. I sleep in a race car bed. Do you sleep in a race car bed? He goes, no, I sleep in a big bed with my wife. Yeah.

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Oh, yeah. Remember how blown away you were when you found out Bart was a lady? Yeah. I was blown away. I couldn't believe it.

Yeah, some of those voice actors, you ever meet them in person and they just start doing a voice and you're like, oh my, how does that sound come out of your face? I know, I know. They had a panel on Conan or Letterman where it was like Dan Castellaneta, whatever the name is. Harry Shearer. Harry Shearer, Hank Azaria. I forgot the lady's name. Voorhees or something. Julie Cast, no, Julie Kavner. Kavner, yeah, there you go.

Yeah, that was crazy. And they just do this shit from home now, and they get a paycheck. Yeah, you just build a little. They probably have mansions. They build a little sound room in there. Nancy Cartwright, that's it. Yes. Julie Kavner. Is she? Yes. Whoa. Yeardley Smith, that's her name. She was in a couple Woody Allen movies. That's right. Which ones? In and Out of Sisters. Yes. Yes. Crazy voice, crazy face. She was also on a show called Herman's Head. Wow.

Wow. Which is old school. Damn, you run deep. I watched a lot of TV growing up. My dad was scary. So I would just hide in the upstairs and turn on the old boob tube. There it was. As opposed to Norman's head, which can be seen on his balcony. Ha, ha, ha.

Or an Uber. Yeah. Gruber. The jerking off of the Uber really is incredible. Those Uber drivers, the shit they see, I mean, like drunk women climbing on top of them after going out and like puking in the car and the phone calls they hear. Taxis are worse. Taxi guys confess. In a world with no ratings, it is the Wild West. That's true. I mean, of course, you still behave badly in Ubers if you're that type of person, but

I mean, the rating system. You ever meet someone with a bad rating on Uber? Yes. Should we look up our rating? Luis Gomez. What's your rating? I'm going to go, I'm going to guess. I've never looked, but I'm going to say it's like a four. That's not, but it's four what though? Four point something, I'm guessing. Damn, I wonder if I'm bad. Let's see. All right, hang on. Let's see our Uber scores. What do you got? The Mirage had a book on who killed Mr. Burns. Oh, I love that.

This could have been like the best insider trading ever. Yeah. You should know a Simpsons writer. He's like, dude, put a mill on Maggie. We're keeping it in the app. That's what put Pelosi on the map. She was all over Maggie. Okay, I got it. Where do I go? Oh, 4.88. Ooh, I'm a 4.67. Ooh.

I got to start. You got to blow a couple guys. Next week, I'm like, dude, I jerked a couple dudes off. I'm up to a 4.70. I'm rocking. You blow enough guys, you'll be at like six. You blew past the five. Wow, that's crazy. That really brought the country together. I mean, I was like a prime age for this. And it was like, this was like the who shot? JR. This was our version of that.

And man, this and the McDonald's monopoly was huge. Dude, that game got me fat. Really? I thought I was going to get boardwalk, dude. I wanted that cool meal. Yeah. All you get is a McFlurry, and then you just keep getting, you're like, free McFlurry. Like, now I'm fatter.

I know, I know. I'm a little second grader with bitch tits. We kept chasing that high, though. Remember you buy the fries, you're like, come on, baby. You're like a crackhead peeling that thing off. That was Vegas for kids. Yes, yes, exactly. Unhealthy. The kids looked like they were shaking. Like, come on, Atlantic Avenue. Yeah, it's rascal scooters and cigarettes. For those who are too old to get this, McDonald's used to do a Monopoly game, and the grand prize was a million dollars if you got Park Place and Boardwalk. Guess what?

Boardwalk was fucking, I don't even think one existed. No. There were a lot of park places to get you going back. Right. But there were other prizes. There was like a jet ski you could get like, you know. There was a documentary on Netflix about this. It was addictive. And McDonald's is already addictive. You can't add gambling on top of what is, for a kid already, like the most addictive shit. But genius marketing. Hey, buy more food so you can get the tickets to get the places. I mean, it was genius.

Yeah, I was hooked on it, man. It was a McDonald's as a kid. Like, is there anything better? I know. Is that still for kids? Number one, I guess. What do you think the number one fast food is? That's a good question. I think it's kicked up a notch with like Shake Shack in and out. And you know, it's big now is Cane's. Yes. Cane's Chick-fil-A is big. Chick-fil-A is big too. The fast food is just kind of like.

uh leveled up hard to eat like chicken tenders man when you're a kid oh it's the best or mcdonald's nuggets so you get those extra sauces you're fucking you're living but don't you walk by mcdonald's a hobo in there there's a crazy guy with the crown on his head jerking off and you're like this is this is

This is low class. But you see a Chick-fil-A, it's clean. There's like a Christian blonde lady behind the counter going, how y'all doing? You know, it just feels and Shake Shack's got beer and custards and concretes. It just feels like they kicked it up a notch. I don't think kids care as much about Shake Shack. I think like the McDonald's marketing where you like you get a toy. Yeah. Even if it's a shitty toy. True. The toy is big. I get something. The toy is big.

But I wonder because movies aren't as big now. I guess certain movies. But like back in the day, like you get a Ghostbusters. There was like something that you're like, oh, I like that thing. Yeah. They partnered with the right. Right. I remember when they did the Space Jam promotion. I was like, holy shit, I get a Michael Jordan like. Oh, yeah. Right. Right. That's true. Yeah. They had superheroes. They had everything. Yeah. And they had a Playland.

That was fucking the best. You have that in Manhattan? You got a place there? No, but I'd been to a Suburban McDonald's. It was legit. Yeah. There might have been like one in Manhattan. There weren't a lot. Yeah. I mean, talk about a germ-infested zone. Oh, my God. It's gross. Those kids were like- A freak-off. Discovery Zone. What are the ones that are like, what's the big one?

Showbiz pizza. Chuck E. Cheese. Chuck E. Cheese. Yes. That's worse. The rat? Oh, yeah. Who was like, this is our mascot. I know. Vermin. Let's get a cockroach for our other location. There's remnants of pizza everywhere, and the mascot is a giant rat. Remember the Mad Men episode where he's trying to help-

Conrad Hilton. Yes. And he goes, what do you think of this? I made it, Don. And Don goes, I don't want to see a mouse in a hotel. And I was like, there you go. And that's what this is. God damn, he was smooth. He was good. So good. You and I send each other Mad Men clips. I know. That's like a... Because my feed will just get like those moments and I just...

That show just fucking rules. Yeah, he's the cool. And then Sterling was funny. So you got the cool Draper and the funny Sterling. Great one-liners. Fuck, man. Yeah, I need a new show, man. I got to watch that. There's a couple things I got to watch, but I still haven't even watched. I got to give Severance a real shot. I tried. It's too smart and too moody for me. You got to get past three episodes. I know it's hard, but get past the third episode and start picking up. But aren't you sick of hearing that? I know, I know.

It's tough. You don't do that with dating. Go on the fourth date. Then you're going to really start to be attracted to her. Come on. You're so right. But Landman was pretty good. And Mobland, everybody's saying is good. What's Mobland? That's the new Tom Hardy, Guy Ritchie joint. Oh, that's fun. Yeah, I love Guy Ritchie. So I'm trying to start that. Oh, Pierce Brosnan. Hey, good group. What's that other lady?

Forgot her name. Helen Mirren? No. Is that her? I think so. Okay. Great cans.

But yeah, so these are the hot shows everybody's talking about. I think there's a new one out now. I got a movie rec for you. Oh, please. Old French Noir, Le Samurai. Le Samurai. Have you seen it? Wow. There was a Criterion flash sale. I like buying some of those DVDs. So I see it playing all over town in the old movie, like film form and stuff. So yeah, Alain Delon, the French stud.

yeah he was like the handsome dude back then he played ripley and like the right and um

- Yeah, and I just saw it everywhere. So I was like, fuck it, I'm gonna buy it. I bet it looks cool. - It looks really cool. - And then I just ran to Andy Haynes at the Comedy Cellar and he was like, we were talking noir and he goes, my number one is Le Samurai. So I was like, I just bought it, I'm watching it tomorrow. - Holy shit. - Yeah. - So I thought it was gonna be a samurai movie. - I had Santino over, we were gonna watch it, but I hadn't seen him forever. - Yeah. - So we ended up just talking all day. But then my other friend came over and we watched it, my friend Chase, and it's badass. - Hell yeah. - It's cool. - It's called Samurai Code and he's a hit man or something.

Yeah. Ooh, nailed it. All right. Yeah, but it's cool, man. It's a cool movie. I like Ronny.

Yeah, like that type. I haven't seen that, but I think it's that type of vibe. By the way, Santino can talk, huh? He's like a real gift of gab. He's like, yeah, he can just go. But also, those buddies you don't see for a while. Yeah. Yeah, we're just going to talk. I ended up getting lunch with him at Veselka, and then we just took a walk, and then we just came over. We just hung the whole day. It was fun. Wow, that's the best. He's a fun hang, man. That is good stuff. Yeah. That is pre-kid stuff, when you got that day to just kill.

Yeah, I saw him at the cellar the night before, and he was like, what are you doing tomorrow? I was like, I'm doing nothing. Let's fuck it. One of those. We're like, let's hang. Love a good day hang. Love a good day hang, especially spontaneous like that that just keeps going. That's the best. Yeah, we're having fun. Some good shit talking, I take? A little shit talking. Yeah. A little, you know.

Yeah, L.A. is good. That's why L.A. – you go to L.A. and, you know, I don't want to live there. But, like, you know, you're out in a coffee shop. You meet a guy. You see a guy. You walk around. You go to the beach. You really kind of have some freedom in L.A. Oh, yeah. We're at Veselka, which is, like, one of my favorite spots in the city, obviously. Ukrainian diner, OG, great New York spot. And one of the cooks recognizes Santino from the show Dave. Oh.

Send over a free plate of pierogies. Hey, you're all right, kid. Not too shabby. Yeah, not bad. Yeah, all you LA get queefs. Come on out here. I think he'll move eventually. I think so. He feels New York. He wants it. Because Chicago. Chicago people feel New York. Yeah. I know it's in the middle, but you're more like us. I'll say your house is burned down. The fires, the raids, the riots. Get over here. The raids. Yeah. The open micers are paid protesters there now. It's the whole thing.

Yes. Like, hey, a gig's a gig. Yeah, we got ice here, too. Get over here. I'm trying to get away from it all. I'm trying to live more. Ari is moving out of country. He brought a hot tub to my house. I'm getting in that puppy tonight. I'm excited. A hot tub in June. I know. I don't mind. It's a great gift. Get you a cold plunge in January. That's a good point. Who wants a hot tub? It's like 80 degrees, dude.

That's true. But I don't mind at night. I'll sweat it all out, you know, just get out of the pool, go in the shower. With a breeze, it's nice. You've got to set up that cold plunge, dude. I know. I know. I'm running out of room. You've got that whole outdoor area. I know, but I like having the grass. I still want the green. Yeah, but you've got the underpass thing, don't you? That's where the hot tub is. Ah, damn. Yeah. Can you put the cold plunge indoor? You could, I guess, but I wouldn't. Okay, okay. Yeah. All right.

Got to set that thing up. Peter, how about I task rabbit you? I'll pay you $16. You come over and put the thing together. These task rabbits are nice. We just hired a guy. I bought an armoire from, like, you know, Ikea or one of those places. And I couldn't, the directions, I couldn't find them. I hired a guy. This Asian guy came over, put it together without directions.

Just played with it, figured it out, hung up all my photos, cleaned my AC vents, and the whole thing was like $100. Rich Mark. Huh? I hire real people to do this. I know, but I feel guilty. Real people? What are Asians? What the hell is wrong with you? No, no, that stays. Keep that in. That stays. That stays for sure. Yeah. Real people.

The Asian guy's like, oh. Oh, he's fading like back to the future. Uh-oh, what are you doing?

oh is he coming yeah about 10 minutes now jesus christ what do we say damn the traffic in this area we gotta get out of square man well he can't walk here that's probably he looks like that he's six five he's a tall swedish blonde god can't walk no i'm saying he can't go out in public really he'll be mobbed you think so oh yeah oh yeah people recognize us yeah they gotta recognize

Fucking one of the expendables. But he's an older guy now. Maybe it's not as bad. That's true. That's true. But 6'5 and blonde, I don't care who you are. You're turning ahead. Yeah. Look at Bridget Nielsen. If I saw her walk down the street, I would turn. Also from the movie. They're married, right? What? They were married. Get the fuck out of here. I got to ask him about all this vagina he's slayed because these women are seven feet tall. He fucking killed Apollo Creed, too. Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Wow. Can't believe. Why don't you double check that? They must have been in a room together. No, she's in the movie. Oh, okay. Wow, look at that. Can you believe she fucked Flavor Flav?

How did that? That is crazier than anything that's ever like a Kanye, Elon and Trump. The fact that she dated Flavor Flame is unreal. It's very strange. It's like a simulation. Look at that. This this like crazy, stunning blonde lady who's seven feet tall dated this. I wish we could have seen how they would have bred. I know. What do they make together?

That's a great question. I think an Ewok. I have no idea. Damn, Anna Nicole Smith was hot, dude. Jesus. I know that's not a hot take. I said, wow, she was attractive. The lady who literally... Well, she was the epitome of big blonde bombshell. Jesus Christ. But the pills, my God, the pills. Yeah. Pills, they'll get you. They'll get you eventually. Tell that to David Sacks. What's his name? Sackler. Sackler.

Sackler family. Yeah, dude. They're hurting everybody. Rich family. Flavor, Flav!

Not much talent with the guy. He was just kind of eccentric. He's a hype man. He's a hype man. The horns, the clock. Public Enemy is pretty good, though, man. That's true. That's true. Public Enemy was legit. I was more of an NWA guy. Yeah, he had more hits, for sure. Yeah. What's the Public Enemy hit? Yeah, Harder Than You Think. Yeah. They got some fucking bangers, dude. That's a good Blue Chew ad. Harder Than You Think? Yeah. Yeah. And if you throw your boner in public, you're Public Enemy.

So your first thing he said was you knew Richard Pryor? A little bit, yeah. Wow! Yeah, I ran into him a couple of times because I met him with Grace Jones. I used to date her. And I ran into him in New York early on and then I ran into him later in his career when he was in pretty bad shape. I met him at some premiere and he was in the wheelchair. Yeah.

Think he had MS. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and he had that incident where I think his I ain't told me I think he my crackpot blew my face Freebasing the famous bit of the last joke in live at the Sunset Strip, you know lights a match What do you call this Richard Pryor running down the? Right, right That was that was back before he had a scandal and

And then he talked about it. So you had to watch his special. Because you're like, I got to hear about it now. Like the Chris Rock slap or whatever it is. Now that's pretty normal. Yeah. But he was a sweet guy, you know. Really friendly. I remember, you know. Yeah. Very, very, very friendly. Oh, yeah. Cool dude. He went into movies, too. I was on her show once. Oh, wow. She subbed for Johnny Carson. Yep, that's right. The Tonight Show with Joan Rivers. Yeah.

Then they had a falling out. Yeah. Oh, they did? Yeah. She started her own show. She had her own show. Oh, yeah, that's right. She did, yeah. He was a competitive guy. Look at that. There's you. Whoa. Whoa. With Joe. Look at that jacket, dude. Looking good. I know.

Listen to the ladies. Damn. Such a kid, man. Yeah. So, innocent.

There's such a difference between, like, my real personality and Ivan Drago. Of course. 180, you know? Yeah, yeah. Couldn't keep any smiling in the movie. It would have killed it. Did you ever just break, though? Were you ever just like this? Oh, yeah, for sure. But not on camera. No, but off camera, for sure, yeah. No, I...

I felt I was really, I remember, you know, I knew Stallone very well because I worked with him for six months. You know, we were training twice a day, six days a week, weights in the morning at nine for an hour. And then we're boxing for two hours in the afternoon. You know, so, you know, you're in the ring, you bear chest, they're throwing each other around. So I was kind of got pretty close to him, even though he was, you know, I was a fan of his. But I mean, we became friendly, but yeah.

And he knew my character because I did a screen test for it when I played that kind of very stoic Russian guy. But, you know, Carl Weathers. Oh, yeah. I only met him like a day before we shot the fight, you know, Drago versus Apollo Creed. That was in Vegas. So he didn't know me.

And that was in character. So he said, I could tell he was checking me out. Here's this big Swedish guy, looks deadly, you know. No smiles, nothing. So when he was backpedaling in the ring, that was real. Oh, wow. It wasn't acting, you know. Man. Yeah, it was a good experience. What was first, this or He-Man? He-Man.

uh rocky was first yeah boy so that just changed her whole life yeah it did it did actually i was in a small movie before that called uh a view to a kill the bond movie oh i was on the set with grace she played the kind of bad girl yeah chris walken so i met him and

And one day somebody was missing, you know, one of the stunt guys didn't show, so they gave me a part in the picture. And I have a scene with Chris Walken and Grace. But I don't say anything. I'm just there with a gun, you know, basically. If you blink, you miss me. But that was my debut. So you had to date her. There's not a lot of Grace Joneses in Sweden.

I assume. No, no, that's true. Yeah. And the funny thing is, you know, I was a chemical engineering student. Right. MIT. MIT. So my dad thought I was going to MIT and I had a full scholarship, but I sort of had quit. Right. And I was studying. Are your parents like, are you insane? No, no. But they didn't know because I couldn't tell my dad, you know, it was insane.

I just, you know, because it wasn't like before. It was before iPhones and such. So, you know, we spoke on the phone maybe every three or four months. Right. And he said, how's school? And I could, without lying, say school's great because I was studying acting. And then he was, you know, he's a businessman in Sweden. One morning he comes home. One afternoon he comes home after work and

gets the evening paper and opens it. And there's a shot of Grace Jones at Studio 54 with her new boyfriend, her toy boy. Oh, boy. And there was this guy in leather pants, no shirt, sunglasses, and it was me. And I think my dad was like, what the hell happened? This is a 180. And I had to tell him. Yeah, I had to tell him.

Well, you can go to MIT and still go to Studio 54. Yeah, you could. You could. But I guess that guy, that ain't no PhD. You can see I've had a little too much of something there. Hell yeah. And, uh...

Yeah, 54 was interesting because there were no bottle services, nothing like that. You paid 20 bucks and you were in. You could do whatever you wanted. And the drugs were just everywhere, right? Drugs, yeah. Sex and drugs everywhere. When you walked in there, did you walk in there only as a guy in a relationship or did you go there as a single guy as well? No, only as a guy in a relationship. So I was very innocent and I...

I was just looking around going, what the hell? You know, I was seeing all this stuff going down. But I was pretty...

I was faithful to Grace and we were in love so I didn't mess around. - Sure. What about Warhol? - Warhol was a cool guy. I met him separate one day. One night I was at a club, it was called Club A I think and she wasn't there and some little guy comes up and takes a picture of me when there's an Instamatic camera

"What are you famous for?" And I'm like, "Nothing, as far as I know." And he's like, "I'll put you in my magazine." Anyway, it was him. And then I realized him and Grace were good friends and he would go to the factory and she would be, maybe he would take pictures of her, but I would walk around

Behind, you know, the back area where he had all his artwork and stuff stashed away. Man. Yeah. He was an interesting guy, you know, very friendly and smart. I mean, I saw that documentary. Oh, yeah, that's the picture my dad saw, I think. Ah! Wow.

Wow. I think that's the one, yeah. Like, dude, that's my teacher. That's my chemical engineering student. Fulbright Scholar. Yeah, there he is on the left. How did you land on that outfit? That's a crazy look. I mean, if you look like that, you've got to show it off. I think it was grace, you know. I like the gloves. The leather gloves kind of makes it work. Yeah.

Man, I'd love to watch you two have sex. Rubber leather gloves, just like the touch. Yeah, that was cool. Wow. Yeah, that was in Paris. We were in Paris, and I carried her up the staircase there at some premier place.

It was fun. Where's she from? She's from Jamaica. Oh. She grew up here. Her dad was a minister upstate New York. Wow. And then she lived in Paris, which was younger. She spoke fluent French. And, you know, very, very nice lady. Uh-huh.

You know, obviously it was, you know, I met David Bowie, Michael Jackson, all these characters sort of influenced me to try to perhaps maybe I thought chemical engineering was not as attractive anymore. I thought maybe show business could be good. And I used to act when I was younger. So I...

Took some acting lessons and then I went up for some movies and I ended up landing a part in the Rocket picture. Wow. Because I was also European heavyweight champion in karate. So I had the moves. Like Sly says, you can't teach someone to fight. You know, so you got to know there's not enough time to teach someone to move well. So I had it for a big white guy, a great white hope. I had to move, you know, so.

It worked well for the picture. Was anyone in the street where they'd recognize you for Rocky IV mad at you for killing Creed? Oh, yeah. Especially uptown. Who would you kill the brother for? I was in trouble up there. Stay in my limo. This is the 80s. Stay in the limo. You pull out Grace, you're like, no, I'm cool. That's right. I'm chilling. That saved me. I still got some points for that.

Yeah. Did you fight this guy for the championship? It's a little unfair fight at all. Oh, you mean the guy? Yeah. Yeah, that guy on the right. Yes, I fought him. Nice guy, but, you know, I think he got pretty badly knocked out. I think so, yeah. This looks like... I felt sorry for him. I was not a mean person. Sure. I just had to win, you know. Wow, it looks like Nazi propaganda. White man winning. Yeah.

Against the disgusting ground. Sorry.

Wow. Should we try your vodka? Oh, yeah. Let's get the hooch going. Get the sauce. Stay on mic while you do it here. Make us a drink with your... Tell us what we've got here. Hard cut vodka. It's 45% alcohol. No, more than that, huh? 45, man. That's it. That's 90 proof. 90 proof. That's what I remember. So let's see. We're going to do three... So that's seven and a half. Yeah, so it's high proof vodka. Woo, baby. It's potato. Nice. And only by one...

1-3% of all vodkas in America are made from potato. So it's an American vodka. American from Idaho. Idaho potatoes. Hell yeah. Idaho potatoes and Rocky Mountain water. Nice. Sounds healthy. Rocky Mountain water.

Let's see, I've got to keep the recipe in my head. So, yeah, I do a five-to-one martini, five parts vodka, one part of vermouth. Oh, that's the right vermouth, too. All right. And she sold three times. MIT over here. So that's 1.5. Yeah, I know, I know. Finally. This is the MIT dropout. My dad will be proud of me now. Oh, yeah. One of the years, my skills will be.

oh this is exciting i'm going to helsinki uh in a month are you guys oh yeah doing some shows over there oh wow pretty excited like to drink already yeah quick stint i just i did uh sweden last year i played stockholm very cool oh that's where i'm going not helsinki stockholm yeah oh you go to stockholm you're going i went there last year oh yeah i didn't get to spend a ton of time there but yeah the crowd was awesome i had a great time it is a fun place we're going um in a couple of weeks next week over

Sorry, I'm just looking at my wife over there. She's from Norway. I love Norway too. Norway's great. You seem too bubbly to be from Norway.

I've been there before. It's a lot of gray scowls. A lot of reindeer. I mean, they eat whale over there. Yeah. What could be a little bit diluted now because the ice is a bit... I mean, it's been sitting for a while. Sure. I like a little ice belt. A little dilution. Yeah. So it's overproof, 90 proof, so that means...

It actually holds the ice pretty well. Okay. Especially when it gets diluted with ice because it has high 45 ABV. It makes for a pretty good cocktail. We have a whiskey. You know way more already. Than we do about ours. Sure, yeah. We have our whiskey at Bodega. Oh, you do? Yeah.

Take a look. Bodega cat. Yes. Bodega. I lived in Spain for 10 years. Bodegas. Okay, let's see. Everything, there you go. There you go, guys. Gracias. Now I cancel my afternoon meeting so I can have a drink. Hell yeah. The only problem with the cocktail, these olives are not supposed to have the chili in it because it kind of takes over. Oh, okay. Anyway, screw it. Screw it. I'll take mine out.

Oh, that's delicious, dude. Oh, it's so smooth. That is incredible. You like it, right? Yeah. It's pretty good, right? Yeah, it's very smooth. Potato. So potato means it starts here and it has more, like all the other vodkas, Belvedere, you know, the other ones, they're all wheat. Potatoes is corn, but potato is the way to go. I like potato because I'm gluten intolerant. Yeah, that's right. That's another reason. Yeah, this is really good, dude.

Oh, that's good stuff. This will be my new vodka. I was a Tito's man because I'm a cheap fuck. But that is really tasty. This is almost the same price as Tito's. It's not that expensive. It's beautiful. Was doing Creed II a lot of fun? Yeah. It was great. You know what I've done? I did Rocky IV with Sly and then...

I did those three expandables pictures, so I kind of had a relationship with him. But then Creed II came along, and I had a script. I mean, I heard about it, and I didn't want to make it because I thought, I really want to play this Ivan Drago guy again, and they'll probably have him be a bad, disgusting Russian character with no redeeming features. But it turned out it was a pretty good script. Yeah. Yeah.

I thought he had a good arc, you know, and the fact that my character has this kind of hard relationship with his son, which reminded me of my relationship with my dad. So it was actually, I could kind of play my dad in the movie. I could kind of

be kind of the way he was to me a little bit. But in the movie, I had a chance to resolve it kind of in a good way. So it felt, it was kind of personal. Huh? You threw in the towel. Yeah, I threw in the towel and I gave him a hug. I said, don't worry about it. It's okay. Yeah. That's the cool thing about those movies is like they surprise you.

Like the first Creed surprised me. I didn't expect it to be that good either. Yeah, the first one was really good. Yeah, the first two were really good. I think you've got to surprise them because everyone's expecting a certain thing and they go, is this just a copy of a copy? And then if you twist it on people, they go, all right, it was actually good and original.

yeah yeah the first one was uh really interesting they came up with the idea of you know apollo creed having a legitimate son and that was i mean what a wonderful idea for a movie and then the fact that he gets rocket or train them i mean yeah uh and sly was great in that movie he he was nominated for an academy award he won the golden globe

It was really good. I love that picture. I'll tell you, it's good to see an actor still drinking. Yeah. All these actors, they go all queefy, they get vegan, they go to yoga, they go to a retreat and do ayahuasca, they never drink again, and they become a Scientologist. No, I mean, I don't drink that much, but I like to drink once in a while. You're going to become a Scientologist. No, I like to enjoy my liquor when I have it. Yeah, same. That's why I like this, and I think...

You know, it's got a nice little bite to it because it's smooth, but it's, you know, the overproof makes it kind of makes it more flavorful, but also, you know, picks you up, makes you feel good. I feel real good. Do you feel it already? A little bit, right? Yeah. Martini. Yeah. We're classic cocktail drinkers. So we like Manhattan's, Negroni's, Martini's. We're, you know, I like the classics. Oh, yeah. Hey, we might be drunk. It's brought to you by Cal Sheet.

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I had a, at BCB in Brooklyn, a bar come in Brooklyn. I was there yesterday and Dale DeGroff was this famous bartender from, you know, he was at Rainbow Room. Oh, wow. Top of the Rock. And he made me a Negroni with hard cut. It was really good. Damn. Yeah. Vodka Negroni. Yeah. Digroni, he called it. Digroni. Because of DeGroff, right. I like it.

I've been to that rainbow room. It was, I went as a kid with my dad and got the martini. I remember it was $17 and I was like, Jesus Christ. Now that's what like a beer goes for. But it was, you know, the nineties. Yeah. It was nice. They open. I was there in the nineties too. I was there. I lived here in the nineties. So I was up there and it was cool. It was like forties. Yeah. 30s, 40s. Where do you live now? West Hollywood, LA. We live in LA and, um,

I miss New York. I really enjoyed being out here. I mean, this is where I first came when I first moved to America and have all great memories from the city. And it's just been great to be back for a week for our vodka. Was New York wild in the 80s? You see all the porn theaters, the hobos, the pigs, the hookers, drugs. Drugs. Yeah.

Yeah, everybody was armed. I was going out with Grace, you know, first week I think I was with her here in New York and she asked me to get her cigarettes out of her purse and I looked around and come up with this little gun, you know, looks like a toy gun. It was like a Derringer, like a two-shot, 32. And I said, is this real? Yeah, yeah, Durango, yeah. I said, is this real? She said, yeah, it's real.

why do you carry a gun? Oh, you know, last year, me and my boyfriend at the time, we were held up at gunpoint. They tied us up, you know, and went through the apartment. I was like, they climbed in through the window and I was like... You're like, that's not happening with me. Not going to happen to me, man. Immediately went to buy a couple of guns in Colorado. Whoa! I was carrying one or two guns all the time. And this is before they had like, you know, they didn't have any metal detectors. Right. You could walk into a club, you know, armed. Holy moly. Yeah. I never...

Had to use it, so that was good. Yeah, you're like if a woman created a man in a lab. Six-five, muscular, with the karate, so you're tough, and you got the MIT, and then actor. You got it all. And two guns. And two guns! Every lady loves a gun. No, those two guns and the other ones. And then you got to be, speaking of guns, you did Expendables? Yeah.

Yeah. That must have been just pure fun. That was great. No, that was really good. It was a full cast because there's so many bad ass dudes. It's like killer cast. Yeah. No, that was cool. I got a script from somebody. My agent sent me a script. It was like a skull with a

Raven sitting on it and said, Expendables. And I read the script. Advice of Esther Stallone. So I hadn't read a Stallone script since 1985, since Rocky IV. So I started reading it. It was funny. Fun as hell. Yeah. Over the top. Brutal. But it had on page four, it said, Gunner Jensen,

drunk Swede carrying a big Bowie knife and I'm like, okay, I guess this is my character. Yeah, yeah. And I fire this anti-tank gun and blow this guy's, you know, this pirate, blow him up and just the boots left, you know. Oh, yeah. Hit him with his rocket, so...

yeah, it was, it was fun. I went, I showed up on set, gave Sly a big hug and it was great to be on film with him again. Yeah. And I, when that came out, I hadn't been on the big screen because I live in Spain. So my career had gone down. I hadn't been,

in the movies for like 15 years on a big screen so it felt really great I mean look at this Steve Austin oh yeah Statham Randy Couture I mean this is insanity Jet Li Jet Li yeah Gary Cruz damn

Mickey Rourke! I don't know if you could do that today, but he pulled that together. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, that's the thing about Sly is he loved movies. Like, he could, you know, be like, yo, Adrian. He got made fun of, but, like, he wrote Rocky himself. He's another dude who, like, you hear in an interview and you're like, oh, this dude's way smarter than I thought he would be. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he's really smart. You don't talk about movies and also the fact that he just

I love everyone knows the story with the fact that he just bet on himself. Yeah, like similar We had Chaz Palminteri on this podcast who like similar thing with Bronx Tale just like they're like We'll make it for this much money if you're not in and he was like fuck you. This is my movie So did you work with Chaz at the nightclub? Was it was that yeah at limelight? Yeah, I was but he was in the back. I was in the front and

That was one of the goons in the front, you know. It was one of those guys. He wasn't more in the back. He was more sophisticated. He was taking care of the VIP room or something. And I was up there with some, you know. Yeah, it was cool. It was a good time. It was, you know, it was an old church that was turned into a – it was kind of sacrilegious. People were upset. But it did very well, you know. Yeah, you can still see the church right there in Chelsea. Yeah, I was there on –

You know, there was me and a couple of other tough guys, you know, and then there was a little, you know, the main doorman was, you know, a little guy named Fred. Nice guy. He would pick everybody out, you know, whoever looked cool could get in. Yeah. And he got all the bribes. He got all the money. He got all the coke, you know, whatever they bribed him with. And then at the end of the night, he was, you know, bribed.

he'll give everybody a little share. Hey, fun. How much coke do you think you were doing in the 80s? I mean, I know it was just everybody. Me? I didn't do that much myself, but people were doing it everywhere. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it was like you went to go to a restaurant, like a really top restaurant, and people would be doing...

Coke at the table. Wow. Passing it around like nobody thought about it. I think it's coming back. I think Coke is everywhere I go. I've heard that. I'm too old for that shit. I'm doing comedy and everywhere people are offering me Coke. Really? You're playing good venues now. What the hell? You're not playing Sanford. I think my fan base is a bunch of degenerate addicts, but they're always throwing Coke at me. You take Coke from a stranger now, you're a fucking idiot. Yeah, that's true. Well, come to my apartment. I know you. Just in case.

Well, yeah, that's so at this time, like people are just offering you blow everywhere. How about like the gay bars? They must be all over you. Yeah. Well, yeah. Grace had a big gay audience. You know, she performed at a lot of these places on Christopher Street and a lot of these clubs. I can't remember all the names now, but I would come with her. I didn't quite understand what was going on. I was a little bit naive, you know. Yeah.

You know, we lived in the West Village on Bank and West. Oh, yeah. And I bought this motorcycle, this big black Yamaha 1200, and I would drive around with my leather pants and a shirt.

And glasses. You're so much more of a man than I am. People are so, but people are so friendly, you know. I guess, you know, everybody stopped me. Hey, how you doing? All these friendly people down there in the village. It's like, they invited home, got invited home to like, I stayed out, I got out of trouble, stayed out of trouble. Yeah, yeah. But, it was cool. I mean, yeah, make their day. It's your neighbor. But you know, you know what they say is, was that time between, was it the, uh,

the invention of the of the pill and AIDS right 20 years where anything went and you didn't have to worry you know didn't have to worry about anything in the bad invention exactly yeah between there was a pretty crazy time in New York for sure oh 100% Jesus these pictures I mean I remember you were you were the first Punisher yeah

Yeah. Oh, that's right. That's it. That movie, that picture from the Punisher. That's from Australia. I shot that in, we shot it in Sydney, Australia. Oh, cool. And they had the same, the costume designer was the woman who did Mad Max with Mel Gibson. Sure. So it had the same kind of look, the leather. Man. I remember loving that movie as a kid. I watched it. Oh, yeah. That was like, you know. That was badass. 87. Yeah.

Now, are you, you ever want to write stuff?

What? Like write a movie? Write stuff. You mean the space thing? No. No, like do you ever want to write things? Oh, write, write. Yes, I do write. I've written a couple of scripts or co-written scripts, and I directed about seven, eight movies. Oh, nice. Smaller movies. So I like to write, too. It's just fun. Or at least rewrite, you know? Yeah. When you direct, you should get a script, and it's sort of there. But you end up rewriting, fixing scenes to make sure it kind of flows. Yeah.

Yeah, I have a script now actually that we're trying to

We developed, and it's almost done now. It's sort of about, it's based, Lucy, on a Lady Gaga incident where some dog walker got shot. And they took the dogs. Took the dogs. Bulldogs. They're currency in this city. Yeah, that's it. Worth thousands and thousands. Yeah, like hundreds of grand. She offered like 500 grand, I think. Wow. We're finding another dog walker. Somebody came up with this idea that these two kids are...

They're like small time gangsters. They owe a lot of money to the mob and they're desperate and they decided to steal some celebrity dogs to, you know, like ransomed them back. They steal these two French Bulldogs or whatever they are, Pomeranians, maybe even smaller. And they're my dogs. So...

So anyway, I play myself. So I'm a bit of a version of myself. But you're getting your dogs back. Yeah, and I call a couple of guys from the Expandables to help me. Oh, hell yeah. Randy and a few others, 50. I mean, John Wick, the dog was killed. Well, that's quite because no one can side with someone. Like, you kill a dog.

a person, you're like, all right, fuck them. But you kill a dog, you're like, I hope you rot in hell. Yeah, true. There's something about that. Even Tony Soprano was mad about the dog more than the people. Exactly. And you know, if you write a script, like,

you can kill 20 guys in a row but if you shoot a dog even in the script that's true you know the studio's gonna go well do you have to do this I mean right is there another way around this somehow yeah we shot 30 people in the scene before so you're gonna do some crazy stunts in it you think you'll still throw down yeah a little bit a little bit of fights and stuff kind of old school like Exponible style you're right about the dog like P. Diddy got caught beating up Cassie in that hotel but if that was a dog he'd already be in jail

Like we wouldn't even have the trial. The woman, we can take her. Beat up Cassie. Baby all or no baby all. Cassie, not Lassie. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, I forgot about that Lady Gaga thing. That was crazy. That fucked her up.

Yeah. So anyway, that's it's kind of a script that I've been working on a little bit. So we have writers work on it. But sometimes you got to rewrite stuff yourself. I don't think I direct it, but I'll probably I'm in it, but I'll produce it. But don't you hate like we're we wrote a movie and we've been in showbiz, quote unquote.

The meetings, the getting things greenlit. These fuckers are in Turks and Caicos six months a year. Not taking vacations. You meet some woman who's taking like four maternity leaves. She's got two babies. They're never not on vacation, these people. And we do stand-ups. We write the joke. We tell the joke. We're done. We make it special. With the movie, there's so many cooks in the kitchen and legal and money.

Oh, they're moving meetings all the time. And I'm like, you don't even do anything. Why do you keep? Yeah, it's true. No, it looks show business. It's like that series, The Offer. You ever see that about making of Godfather? Yes. Yeah, it's still like that a little bit. Like, you know. Totally. And that's actually why I like.

I like the liquor business a little bit because it's just a little more easygoing. People are a little more chill, you know? Agreed. I mean, movie business, you're right. Everybody's uptight and people are kind of insecure and scared. Yes. Because there's such a big investment and you're, you know, in a very, on, you're very, nobody's sure about, nobody knows shit, you know? Nobody knows anything. Nobody knows if it's going to work, if you have 200 million. You can still bomb.

And then you lose all your money. So it's a very risky business, you know. People are scared because of that, I think. And that's why they have attitude and that's why it's so hard to get shit done, you know. Yeah, I agree. But I also think that's why the Internet is kind of starting to take over because it's just. It's right there. Right there. And then it's here. You post it. Yeah. Yeah, sure. All these meetings. But I got to ask you, are there any roles that you were like this close to getting? Good question.

Not that many. I auditioned only twice. I auditioned for Rocky IV and for Aquaman. I had to audition for that because Warner Brothers, you know, I was playing the king. I didn't have that much action. Anyway, but there was one script that somebody sent me in the 90s. It was a script called Gladiator. And I read it. I was in my apartment here in New York. I read it. I said, this is not very good, you know. Oh, my God. Yeah.

This is before, you know, before. Like this sucks too. Yeah. Before, what's his name was involved, the Australian guy. Ridley. Ridley Scott and Russell Crowe. Yeah, it was before that. But anyway, yeah, that could have been nice to be in that. Yeah, best picture. Sucks. Damn. Best picture, best actor. Anyway. What are your favorite movies?

And you look better than Russell now, so I think you won that one in the end. And your drink. Yeah, pulled ahead. He drinks too, though. He looks like it. Favorite movies. I mean, I...

I like Gladiator, for instance. That's a cool picture. That's a great movie. It's a great movie. I like the more epic pictures, you know, like, I like Scorsese's movies, too, like King of Comedy. Wow. Deep cut. You know, Taxi Driver. Yeah. Goodfellas, all of those. Taxi Driver's like a... Yeah, that one is maybe his best, even. Yeah, I'm with you. Because he didn't have any monies, you have to be very smart about how you shot things, you know? Yeah.

that's the score too holy oh the score yeah yeah i know there's some great swedish movies too what was that was it let the right one in is that swedish oh yeah i never saw that but oh it's great it's great and then what about about a fall was that swedish or am i right now no that's not sweden yeah anatomy of a fall i'm an idiot i think it's french yeah there's there are a lot of good movies out there great movie i love them i saw alexia i saw this uh

fairly recent picture not too long ago which is not really my type of movie but I like the way the director called Greta Goes West you've seen her once Greta Goes West no is it Greta or is it is her name Ingrid Ingrid Goes West Greta's my daughter so I have

I need another drink. But Ingrid goes first. Yeah, it's this cool movie. This director, I mean, because there's a script that somebody wants to make, and this is supposedly this guy I was going to direct it, Mark Spicer. Oh, okay. So I watched the movie, and it was actually really cool. It's really well done, and...

Kind of. I don't know how to describe it, but he has his own style. But it's about this girl who she's like infatuated by this social media star. And she moves. Her grandma dies and she inherits 20 grand and she moves to the house like the neighboring. She rents the house next door to this woman. And she kind of starts kind of infiltrating her life, like becoming her best friend. And anyway, but the way it was shot was amazing.

It was really nice. And it kind of reminded me of King of Comedy a little bit. Yeah, because they're obsessed, fan of Stalking. It's like comedic, but it's straight. When you were popping off? I had more. Yeah, I have some. When I was younger, yeah, they had a few. And scary? Well, I had... Well, let me see. There was one guy who kept sending... This is when I lived in Malibu. He kept sending letters from Death Row. He was mailing letters to...

And the thing was, it was, you know, somebody gave me a bunch of them. This is before they had all kinds of, you know, ways to like intercept shit. But I did came in the mail and the weird thing was it was to Dolph Lundgren. But this long letter, it didn't make much sense, but it was signed there.

Dolph Lundgren. And that was kind of... That was the weird part. Yeah, yeah. That's when I had to call the FBI and somebody started... Yeah, I did actually. That's when you know you made it. Yeah. That was Ingmar Bergman. Oh, yeah. That's great. He's the king. Seven Seals. Yes. We used some ideas from that in that script. It's called Broken Leash, The Moment of Stealing My Dogs. Oh, nice. We used some scenes from that picture. That...

There's a scene in the movie where I'm trying to get my dogs back, you know, and I love these dogs. I'm going to kind of play a bit of a version of myself who's like super frustrated. And, you know, he hates his career. He's doing all these, you know, dumb ass movies with a bunch of, you know, muscle heads. You know, he wants to become a real actor. And then I get a chance to audition for this Scorsese movie, actually. And he's doing a remake of that one.

of the seventh seal because he loves Bergman. Bergman was the director. So anyway, so it's a funny audition scene when I have flashbacks to the dogs being killed. And anyway, so anyway, so it is kind of like in the same vein as, as King of Comedy a little bit. I love that. Boy, that movie really hit you. Yeah, I love it. Did you see Joker?

Yeah, pretty good too. They took some ideas from King of Comedy, I think. Definitely. Definitely took some of that. He's in that one. Oh, you are? Yeah. The fact that they have the talk show host in there. Yep, yep. And also, it's like a mix between Taxi Driver and King of Comedy. Exactly, exactly, yeah. With Todd Phillips. Yes, he did that one. Yeah.

Funny, he was a comedic director, then he went full emo to do it. I'm feeling pretty good. Pretty good. You get a good buzz from this. Oh, yeah. I'm loving it. Yeah, it's good. Where can people get hard cut vodka? Yes.

Let's see. Well, we're in California, like off-premise everywhere. New York, we just launched like a couple of days ago on-premise. We're in Bemelman's Bar, for instance, at the Coilo. Yeah, that's amazing. Talk about an expensive drink. Yeah, I know, I know. Where else are we again? I don't know.

Hudson Malone. Oh, that's a great bar. Midtown, yeah. Sugar Monk. Hudson Malone. Ivory Peacock. PJ Clark's, that cool bar. Oh, PJ, yeah. That guy runs it now, PJ Clark guy, yeah. That's cool. We were there yesterday. Oh, you're in some high-end joints. And then, you know, I did a signing down at Broadway Spirits on Broadway and then downtown, did a signing there. We have a few off-premise accounts there.

But I think I'm learning about the liquor business. New York's different because there's some rule in the state that you can only own, I think, three liquor stores per person. You can't, like in California, there's BevMo. It has 146 stores. In Florida, you have ABC Liquor. It's about 100 stores. Then you have Total Wine. It has 260 all over the country. But New York's kind of restricted. Yeah.

From the prohibition. Yeah, exactly. It's state by state here, too. Yeah, state by state. I mean, you said that this is an easier business than film, and I'm like, fuck, well, that's how bad film is. Because it's not easy. It's easier, but it's, I don't think it's easier, but it's a little more pleasant. Yeah. Film is like everybody's...

Everybody's a bit uptight because it's, I don't know why, it's just something about it. I agree. They're all scared of loser drugs. Are you definitely making this movie about the dog? Yeah, I would think so, yeah. We're going out with the script now. Nice. Doing the deck, yeah, about the dogs. Broken leash. Broken leash. Broken leash invest, yeah. And drink hard cut. Can they order it online as well, hard cut? Yeah, I think so. It's through Flaviar. I think Flaviar is the...

The website is hardcutvodka.com. Oh, yeah. Okay. Get it. This is good stuff. I know some of this. I killed it like that. It's delicious vodka. I know. And I love a martini. And I want three more now. Yeah. I'm going to go take a nap. Come on. Well, dude, it was so good to have you on. Thanks. I'll be at the Red Bank, New Jersey, July 12th, the Count Basie Theater, then the Wilbur in Boston. Nice.

August 7th, Irvine Improv, August 22nd through 24th. Then we have Oklahoma City the following weekend, the Bricktown Comedy Club. Then I'm doing the Venetian in Vegas, September 19th. Rochester, New York, 25th through 27th. And then we got the Chicago Theater, October 4th. Winnipeg, Salt Lake City. And the big one, Carnegie Hall, New York City, September 4th. See you there. That's exciting. Mark, what do you got? Are you guys doing it together? No, we're solo. I need to stand up. I need to stand up.

We do our own thing. Oh, wow. That's great, man. Congratulations. Thanks. Thanks. You ever tried stand-up? No, no. That would be fun. That's harsh. That's tough, man. It's a lot of failure. It's fun, but a lot of failure. Oh, yeah. You've got to go through all the... It's fun, though. It's a good life. It's painful. Yeah. All right. I'm in Eugene, Oregon, San Jose, Cape Cod, Connecticut.

Ben Salem at the Parks Casino. New Zealand. Then we're going all over Australia. Sydney, Melbourne, Brisbane, Adelaide. Then we're back in the Hamptons. Calgary, Vegas, Dallas. Just trying to get away from the family. Akron, Dayton, Halifax, Ottawa, Huntsville, Hattiesburg, you name it. And get yourself some hard cut. Get yourself some bodega cat. Yeah, you need both in your liquor cabinet. Get a little whiskey, get a little vodka. Dolph and Grace Jones right here.

Mix and match. Live it up. And Dolph, you're a fucking legend. It's an honor to have you. The fact that you made me a drink is one I can die happy. Thank you. You're the man. You're the coolest. And I'd still fuck you. Thank you. Good night. And get hard cut. I'm out to lunch here at noon.