Ep 238: Kumail Nanjiani
01:14:20 Share

Hey, we might be drunk. We're here with Kumail Nanjiani, my old pal. Old buddies. My God. We did open mics together in New York, 2007. We did every alt room from here to Queens, Long Island City, to Manhattan, to Brooklyn. The day I moved to New York, I brought my truck, me and Emily, with a car hitched behind us. And then, you know, they wouldn't go over the bridge. So she took the car. I had to figure out how to do it.

Nightmare, I got there. Friends helped me move in. That night, I went to Kingdom of Heaven. Wow. That night, I'm like, I cannot believe Emily let me fucking do that. Yes. It's an open mic that John F. O'Donnell used to run. At the Creek of the Cave. At the Creek of the Cave in Queens. Yeah, and it would be Sean Patton, Jesse Popp. That's where I met all these guys. I met all you guys my first day in New York.

Wow. That whole New Orleans crew, like Cassidy and Chesley and everybody. Well, the big news about you, or the big word on the street, because you were rising. We were all idiots and drunks and whatever, but you had a mission. You were like, I'm going for it, and I never saw you bomb. I've never seen you bomb.

I've never seen you bomb. You know, I texted you recently. I was just like, I'm proud of you, all your success and all that. Thank you. And you said, never saw you bomb. And I know coming from you, that means a lot. Yes. Thank you. I like hearing that. Because I was at every shit show, every outhouse, townhouse, backhouse. I can't picture you. I mean, I remember doing a lot of those shows with you. And yeah, you always seem to have a hot set. Always. The advantage I had over all you guys was I was five years in by the time I got here. So I was doing it five years in Chicago. Oh.

And when I got you like the Creek in the cave, that first set, which I thought was great, was like five years of material in five minutes. I was like, this guy's a natural. He wrote that today. So my first couple months in, you know, you burn through it. But my first couple months in New York, all the open mics were,

You guys are trying new shit? Yes. I was doing shit that I'd done in Chicago. Now you tell me. I just thought you were this natural. But I will say that as soon as I moved to New York, my stand-up writing completely changed. Yes. My stand-up style completely changed. New York completely changed. I would have changed it.

It became a lot more conversational, became like longer jokes, and Chicago's definitely set up punch. I moved to New York, and doing the alt rooms in New York, UCB, you had to hide your punchlines. Yes. It couldn't sound like you were doing stand-up. Yes, totally. Like, it had to feel like you were just kind of like talking, and then every now and then they would laugh. You're doing your A material like, what else? Exactly. Yeah, the Garofalo effect. Exactly. Exactly.

So you had to really, really like downplay it. So it changed my writing style. I was like, oh, it can't be that set up punchy anymore. It's going to be like, you know, under the surface a little bit. Yes. And you gave me the advice. You go always do a riff up top no matter what. If it's the best riff, the word just do a riff up top because it shows you're in the room. It's great. It's great. It really works. It really works. It makes you comfortable. It makes you feel like, oh, I fucking did that.

And more often than not, you're going to stumble on something. Yes, yes. Yeah, and then you're like, oh, wow, I did that well with shit I hadn't even written. Right. Wait till I get to the stuff I haven't even worked on. Yeah, yeah. And it was an exercise. It's still like, even to this day, like you do a regular seller set, you're like, if I can get a riff off the last comic. Yeah. You get a boost. There's the lesbian comic before me and she walked by me and touched my arm and I'm like, I know she's a lesbian, but I flexed when she touched my arm. That's all it is. And I was like,

I'm in. All right, baby. There you go. I heard her laugh in the room and I was like, got it. Yeah. That helps. That helps. But yeah, those were fun times. It didn't matter as much. It was all for the love of the... It wasn't like we were chasing a clip. It was just like, give me a good bit. I wonder how much New York has changed because I will say, you know, when I shoot here, I go up here. I go up at the cellar. I never used to go up at the cellar when I lived here. Now, whenever I'm here, I go up at the cellar.

If you're gonna do standup, New York is so much better than LA that it's not even the same fucking country. It's so different because here, I've seen you go up a bunch here. People are just always writing, doing new stuff. It's about the standup. I don't know how the clip thing has changed it.

LA, you'll see the same dudes doing the same set five, six years in a row. Right. Because they're not there to really – there's funny comedians, but New York is different. I'd have to become a full-fledged alcoholic. If I was doing the same act, I would hate going up. Yeah. If I was doing the same act for five years, I think I'd be like, what's – it's not fun. Still my most recurring nightmare, even though I didn't do stand-up for so many years and I started up again –

My most recurring nightmare is I have a show and I don't have any material that I want to do. I'm excited about it. It's still the nightmare that I have most of. Well, the new idea, I mean, like killing is fun, but a new idea starting to work, there's nothing better. That's the real, uh,

dopamine. It's the most exciting. I remember, you know, doing 50 First Jokes. Yes. Doing that. I remember doing a bit there for the first time and being like, wow, I have a new bet and it's fucking great. Yeah, Gavigan has five kids. He's famous for saying, I got five kids, but a new idea is my favorite thing in the world. Yeah. I totally get it.

I love his bit where he's like, I have five kids, and if you want to know what that's like, it's like you're drowning and someone hands you another kid. That's a great joke. That's one of his lines? Yeah. He's so funny. Yeah, he's a beast. He's also to hang out with. Yeah. Like, a lot cattier than you think he's going to be.

It's constantly roasting. He's so funny and just cutting you, going at everybody. He's so good. He's good. He's got some venom. I did a thing with my friend. Which I love. Me too. He did a bit part in this movie I was making, and he didn't even read the script, and he just called me and my friend gay for like 10 minutes straight, and we were like, what the fuck?

But if we watch him, like, this is gold. The way he's calling us gay is good. He's got a clean comedian. He's a really good actor, too. Yes. I saw him on Law & Order. He plays, like, a serial killer. And he was like, oh, this guy's, like, a real actor. Dude, they recycled him. He's on, like, three. He's, like, a predator, a rapist. Yeah, he's done all. Yeah.

All kinds of bad shit. Yeah, yeah. He wants to act. Well, you act now. Or you always act. No, I did. When we were hanging out back then, I never acted. I didn't act until... But did you have ambitions of acting then? No. Really? Not at all. I just wanted to do stand-up. Wow. It happened because I started... I wanted a writing job, you know, because it's impossible to make money doing stand-up in New York unless you're doing The Cellar all the time or touring. Right.

I wanted a writing job and I ended up getting a writing job on a show called Michael and Michael Have Issues, which was- Comedy Central? Comedy Central, Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter. Yes, yes. And me and Jesse Klein, who's an amazing writer and stand-up, were the only two writers and the two Michaels, four of us. Those guys. And they were like, we want you guys to be in the show. Wow.

They wrote us parts and I had to audition five times to play myself. Wow. And I would go to the floor where they were. Sometimes, you know, I'd go to the floor where they were auditioning. I'd walk by like a bunch of brown dudes, all like more handsome versions of me reading pages. Yeah. With my name on them. What? Four lines that had written for me to say. Wow. I just feel like, sorry, dude, we're going with Dev Patel. Yeah. That I even get, you know.

And then Showalter directed The Big Sick, so we're still tight. That was a big milestone. You're like, holy shit, Kumail, not only is he acting, he made a fucking movie. And you got Romano in it. Romano's the best. Romano's the best. A great dude. Sweet guy. Really great. So funny. Still does stand-up at the Cellar. Still hilarious. Dude, his stuff is so solid. He's so famous from Raymond that he's kind of underrated now as a stand-up. Right.

I think he's underrated across the board. I think the show, Everybody Loves Raymond is underrated. I think that's one of the great... It did pretty well. It did well. It's hard to call the show underrated. You know, they don't talk about it as like one of the great sitcoms of all time. And I think it's in that conversation. It's a great show. I think it's really, really good. I think he's underrated as a dramatic actor.

He's like a really good actor. Yeah. And he's underrated as a stand-up. I remember seeing his stand-up like, you know, from before his show where he's talking about his twins and like the orange juice they give you in like a little thimble. Yes. So funny. So funny. So good. Yeah. I remember him on Dr. Katz back in the day and you'd be like, these are good fucking bits. That was a great show. I loved Dr. Katz.

I saw Jake Johansson on there. Oh, yeah. He was like, Jake Johansson was like my guy. Was he your guy? He was my guy. Interesting. Jake Johansson was my guy. 50 Lettermans or something crazy? Something like that, yeah. All killer sets. Yeah. His HBO special from like 93 called This'll Take About an Hour. Great title for a special. Ah.

That is great. It's one of my favorite specials. I got to rewatch. I saw that years ago, but I got to rewatch it because- Really? I remember the Hot Letterman set back in the day. Oh, yeah. When he did the Cyclone bit. I remember that. That was a hot set, man. Cyclone, Heroin, the Cake bit. I remember all your bits. All those bits were- Heroin was a big bit. That was a big one. Heroin was the first one here that sort of like-

That's how my writing changed. So like heroin, cyclone, we're saying all these as if everybody knows what these fucking bits are. But like I started doing these longer bets and I started that all of those I wrote like my first few months in New York

Even though it was so stressful being in New York having no money, I was the most, like, the most I ever wrote, the most, like, creatively engaged. Yes. It was great. Like, you know, we were out every night. Every night. Every night. And then you showcased. The comics were the audience a lot of times. So when you had a real audience, you could really kill it because we were running with weights on constantly. Then you go to Cabin. Yeah. You get to showcase all the new shit. In front of 23 playing. Yeah.

Paying people. Yes. Not paying. Not even paying. Not paying. They were just there. That was that tiny room. But you remember seeing Jezleks coming by, Kumail, Hannibal, all this gaffing it. Oh, shit. I remember Jesse Eisenberg would come watch it sometimes. Whoa. I didn't know that. Yeah. Jesse Eisenberg is a big stand-up fan. We don't have to watch this. Please. No, no, no. This is not a good performance of it. Find another one. I'll tell you where.

It's Letterman, you know? It's not going to be... What year? What year are we talking here? If I had to guess, what is this? 2000? Wow. He got in right before his show got canceled. Wow. So that one was an interesting story because that was... He made it to like 2015, didn't he? He had a window. Oh, did he go to 2015? He went pretty long, I think. We can look this up.

Yeah, we can. Yeah. But. That happened because I did. No, it's Colbert. AI. I hate that Google AI is the top answer. I know. I know. It's wrong to watch. They fucking ruined everything. Yeah. They took this database that had all the information in the world. Right. And have an idiot like regurgitating it. Yes. This sounds like a peeve to me. It's a total peeve. I like it. I hate.

I hate it. I just want to just link me to the article. I can read. I can figure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's only going to get worse, by the way. 2015, May 20th, 2015. Okay, there you go. All right, well. Can you just do a short version of that? What was the exact angle of the heroin? How did the heroin go? I remember Shake Cakes. I know the whole bit. The,

angle of the heroin was this was real was that there was a new I saw these news reports about this it's hard not to go into the cadence yeah do it do it it was the new drug called cheese I saw these news reports they're like kids are doing it it's an epidemic it's a new drug it's an epidemic so I looked up what cheese is this is all true by the way cheese is Tylenol PM and heroin so really it's heroin

It's mostly heroin. Heroin's doing the heavy lifting. Yes. Not a new drug. Yeah. I said heroin. Heavy lifting's the... Yeah. That's a great line. I feel like I'm back at Big Terrific here. Yeah. Big Terrific. Good show. Big show. Yeah. That was a great show. Yeah. I remember I did that once and someone came up to me and was like, you say heroin 17 times in that joke. Wow.

That was the original Reddit. Remember when Carlin did the stuff bit? Yeah. Oh, yeah. He realized if you say it like three times, it's not funny. If you say it once, it's like fine. But if you say it like 40 times, it's funny. Right.

- Right. - Yeah. - It becomes funnier each time. - Well, the trick with heroin became, it was like a longer bet, was like, I say it a bunch up front and then how long can I wait and then say it again as a punchline? And then how much longer can I, like you wanna forget it. - Yes. - You want the audience to forget and then you say heroin again. - Right, right. - So like you go off on a tangent and then come right back to it. So it's sort of like they think it's done and then it's not.

That was the fun thing of that bit. Nowadays, they wouldn't even let that on late night. Yeah, you're probably right. They'd probably be on foul, and they'd be like, you can't say heroin. That many times. Yeah. I mean, they do say it a lot. It requires that many times. Oh, yeah. The bit was beaten to death, and then you had the shoelaces moved. The shoelaces bounce. Oh, yeah. About the video game? About Call of Duty. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a big one. My God, you remember the bit. I couldn't write good jokes. I was like, ah!

We're all doing well. We're all in the mix doing well. I look back and I'm like, your stuff, it still stands. If I did some of my old stuff. Dude, your first album was fucking great. Ah,

Oh, no. That was too fun to watch. But, dude, Letterman would do that. I remember Nick Griffin had to say, Nick Griffin, if you haven't seen it. Nick Griffin, the master of the five-minute late night. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. One of the greats. One of the greats. I mean, watch all of his Letterman sets. But he had a joke I loved where he goes, you know, young women are filled with sugar and spice and everything nice, and I'm filled with anger and semen and shame. And they made him change it to anger and Prozac and shame. It doesn't hit the same. Prozac. Get out. I bet it worked, though. See, the alliteration...

it worked but the alliteration is like semen and shame yes yes yes his just he's so authentic i mean he's so just miserable yeah but it's so easy and like it's it's hard to have someone who has such a point of view and is such a sharp joke writer you know like it's full of personality but also like

The perfect word choices Totally His jokes are so concise I mean he's And he's He's so good at picking He had an opener too Where they say You know No matter how bad you have There's always someone Worse off than you He said now I'm depressed And worried about This other poor guy

That's a great opener. It's like, oh, you know who the fuck he is immediately. Yes. He's a sad guy. Yeah. Yeah. He's a great Joker. Yeah, he's a great, like the five minute set. I always look up to those people who could nail that. You said you love Jake Johansson. Jake Johansson could do that. There was a guy, Jeff Caldwell, who was amazing on Letterman, but I never really saw him around. Of course.

Does he work? He was at the comic strip all the time. Oh, he was. Okay. I was at the strip a lot back in those days. I'd never see him. You know, I think of all these guys you would see on like in the 80s on like One Night Stand and all that stuff. Yeah. And now you see their names pop up on like a kid's show. It'll be like executive producer. That's true. That's true. You see, you know, a lot of them are like been working in the business for years. Yeah, that guy. The SpongeBob guy I think was a

like an 80s comic and now he's he was on mr show and stuff yeah tom kenney that's it yeah he was really funny his his stand-up was really funny yeah oh good he was amazing it was very like high energy act out he's stand-up you know got it got it he was good he's a he's a funny guy okay do you do you miss the late the late night oh you know it almost feels over feels dead the

It really bums me out. It was my favorite thing. Most of my career, my goal was to be a late-night talk show host, and then it stopped being that at some point. But I'm hosting Kimmel's show for a week this year. I hosted it last year. Wow. I love it. You know why I love it? Because it's really, to me, the exact intersection of everything in Hollywood. You can have a guy whose last movie made...

a billion dollars next to a guy who can, who can like, you know, chew bubble gum and whistle the national anthem at the same time. Right, right. It's like every level of success right there at the same time. Yeah, you get the animal attacks or animal expert guy. You get some animal expert guy who just like joined SAG so he could do this. Yeah, yeah. Next to George Clooney, you know. Right, right. That's true. And then the host is like, this is my show. I'm supposed to give them the spotlight, but also it's kind of my show. So that tension is there too. And,

You know, I mean, the reason I started stand-up was because of Conan. I mean, Conan O'Brien's show is like what made me absolutely fall in love with comedy. And you just did the Mark Twain thing. I just did the Mark Twain thing that I got.

very nervous for that. Wait, what was that? Intense. Conan won a Mark Twain. Oh, you did a piece. I did a piece and you know, you're like, first of all, it's Conan who is like my hero. The king. And then the other people presenting are Letterman, Colbert, Sandler, Will Ferrell. Jesus Christ. Nikki Glaser, John Mulaney. Jesus Christ.

I mean, it's a wild, wild room. Yeah. And you're just going up with all these people. How did you run that? Pull it up. You don't run it. I didn't run it. You didn't even take it to like a- Come on. No. Well, this is what I did. What I did was I was like, if I'm doing straight standup and you got Mulaney, you got Klaser, you got Sandler, you got all these people there.

that's tough to sort of like go straight at them, you know? - Yeah. - So I did like a presentation. I did, I was like, I'll have graphics, I'll have charts, twain talk, like a Ted talk. I did a little Ted talk parody. - Oh, fun. - And then I knew, I was like, these are the bets.

this graph will pop up. That's going to get a laugh. You know, they made a funny graph. I do this. I just set up that graph is going to come up. That's going to get a laugh. So I like, I was like, I'll do something different. Yeah. And, and it'll be different and it'll do well. Cause it's different. You just trusted that you're like, you did. You run it by friends. Who'd you run it by?

No, I was pretty sure it was funny. I mean, you know, the set, the Kumail set. We don't need the photo. What are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no. Now we're not going to see this. Well, I just want to see you on the stage with a graph or a graphic. Yeah. See me on stage with the graphic. OK, here we go. But yeah, that that is scary. What is that? Lincoln Center.

It's at the one with all the Kennedy Center. Kennedy Center. That's the one. Different president. Yeah. They may not have put it on. That was for Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Oh, you did her too? That was a few years ago. Holy shit. Julia Louis-Dreyfus, yeah. Maybe it's Conan. There you go. Oh, is that it? That's backstage. Oh, okay. See, they didn't put it on the thing. Well, how is that better? What's your connection to Julia Louis-Dreyfus? They didn't put any of them on. Oh, okay. Okay.

Trump related? No. It's because it's on Netflix now. Oh. They only want it to be on Netflix. It's not Trump related. Okay. I've known Julia because I did a part on Veep years and years ago. And it's one of the few things that I've gotten from like just an audition. Nice. I auditioned with her. It was really fun. And then I did one episode. And that's how I got Silicon Valley was from doing that one episode with

But she was great and we sort of stayed in touch. And I mean, she's fucking incredible. She's a dream guest.

I'm a big fan. She's awesome. And she's, like, you know, super grounded, super normal. Like, she would, like, go out with us. Wow. And it's, like, weird. Like, she's the biggest sitcom of all time. I think you can make an argument that she's the greatest comedic actor of all time. Hmm. Most successful. Most successful comedian. Well, here's what we were saying just before. Yeah.

I think Adam Sandler is the most successful comedic actor of all time. He might be right there too. Because people have had heights, you know, obviously Jim Carrey at his height was like the, it's very rare that a comedic actor is the biggest movie star.

Jim Carrey had that. He had three number one movies in the same year. He had Dumb and Dumber, The Mask, and Ace Ventura in the same year. 1994. Imagine what that's like. Insane. Will Ferrell had big heights. You know, super funny people. They're all hilarious. But Sandler, since the 90s up until now...

has been making huge comedies that entire time. That's true. And I'll throw in a couple dramas. Punch Drunk Love, Uncut Gems. Yeah, he's got a new Spaceman movie coming out. But he was talking like TV, I think. Oh, you're talking TV. Maybe I should have said accomplished or successful. I think Julia has to be because she's won a bunch of Emmys. She's been on like three different shows that all she won Best Actress for. What was the second one? New Adventures. New Adventures of Old Christine. Old Christine. Seinfeld and Veep.

I would say Seinfeld and Veep are in like top 10 comedy. Two of those she got. She also has a reoccurring role in Arrested Development that's great. She's a blind lady. And she was on SNL in the fucking 80s.

Yikes. She's got a crazy resume. And her dad is an oil tycoon. So it's not one of these, like, I came up from the streets, the wrong side of the tracks. Just had it. Just had it. Well, that's the tough thing is, you know, growing up with that much money and still being cool and normal, like, that's what I'm doing. The old Nick Kroll. It also shows, you know, so many people talk about, like,

Oh, their parents were rich. They had opportunities and stuff. And that's totally true. It's much harder to come from not having any safety net. Like I didn't have a safety net. I don't know if you guys had a safety net for me. It was like, if this doesn't work, like I got to get a real fucking job. Definitely. Um,

What it shows is that this pursuing this stuff is what a lot of people want to do if they had the opportunity. That's all it shows. Right. Really, is that more people would be like, you know, rich art school kids and stuff. Yeah. If you give poor people those opportunities, I think you'd have you'd have more people doing that, too. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good point.

I do think, because everybody says you've got to be depressed, you've got to be molested, you've got to be beaten. It's the only way to be great. I really hate that. I don't like it either. I often say you've got to be molested. I heard that somewhere. Hitler was molested. Oprah was molested. Hey, what are you doing to your son? Making him an artist.

That would be a good argument. Like you hear this guy. He's got the craziest, grew up in a whorehouse. His dad died. His mom was fucked in front of him. He was a heroin addict or a cokehead or whatever. So they're like, he's the best comedian of all time. It's because of that.

But also, Seinfeld's a funny comedian. He grew up in the suburbs of Long Island. I think... Different types of comedy. I think that's exactly right. I don't think you have to be damaged. This whole thing that you have to be damaged to be an artist, I think it's false. Some damaged people make great art. Some completely well, like normal people also make great art. Seinfeld's an observational comic and Pryor is essentially like a cautionary tale. Yeah. Like you shouldn't be like me, but it's hilarious that I'm aware of how fucked up I am.

I mean, there's different types of comedy, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different types of comedy. And I'm sure there's welders who are molested. Yeah. And welders who weren't molested, and they're both as good as welding. But the ones who are molested are welding a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You see that? They're working hard. Did a victim of child abuse make this? Because it's fucking perfect. You welded the shit out of this thing. There's no room between the...

Between the metals. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I guess so. That is a clean well. You got to give us movie recs on this pod because you are like a movie... You're like a connoisseur. You're in movies. You're in movies, but I feel like every time I'd see you at the cellar, you'd be like, oh, you got to watch this. Well, did you see the one I told you to watch, Dark City? Of course. Yeah. I watched the director's cut. Isn't it great? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, it was like...

A sci-fi noir. I loved it. It's a sci-fi noir. And if you look at... Don't look up the story, but if you look up the visuals, you'll be like, oh my God, 90s Matrix ripoff. It came out before the movie. It came out before the movie. It's really a cool movie. And it's a fantastic movie. Jennifer Connelly, Rufus Sewell, Kiefer Sutherland, really going for it. If you want to see Kiefer Sutherland, really like going for it. Okay. That's a great movie. If I'm going to... This is a...

This is a movie that's like a so bad it's good movie that I'm going to recommend. Dark City is good, good. But I can't believe more people don't know about this movie. People might have heard about it, but so many people have not seen it. It's a movie called Zardoz. Have you heard of it? Zardoz. Look it up. That was my Uber driver. Z-A-R-D-O-Z.

Zardoz. Z-A-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-R-O-Z-O-

You're like, oh, is he dressed like... There's no way he's dressed like that in the whole movie. He's not. Because halfway through, he takes off the bandolier. And it is just him. What the fuck? In those red little undies the entire time. Completely out of shape. Extremely hairy back. Wow. Like, just...

wheezing through the whole thing. This is after James Bond. This is unreal. And his movie, you know, it's after James Bond. His career wasn't doing well. He got this offer. This guy, John Borman, had just directed Deliverance. Wow. And everybody in town was like, we want to do... I think I'd rather be Ned Beatty in Deliverance than be a producer. Yeah.

It's a insane movie. It's so fucking fun. It's like, to me, the perfect good-bad movie. All right. I'm in. It's wild. You got to send me these, too, because I want to remember these. Huge budget. So everybody in town was fighting to make his next movie, and I think it was Fox was like,

Whatever you want, we'll make. We don't even need to read it. And he was like, okay, we're making this. And they signed the deal and then he sent them the movie and they were like, what the fuck? And it's a huge budget movie that is an absolute disaster and it's so fucking good. Wow. I can't wait. You know they always say Sean Connery is pro-hitting women. I bet it's women who brought this movie up. Stop bringing up Zardust. You put it

Barbara Walters should have hit back with this in that interview. Oh, yeah. How was Zardoz? Look how terrible he looks. He's fucking doughy and pale. Oh, my God. Very legs, too. He looks like a demon. Terrible.

This is brutal. Poor guy. We're going to cut to an ad for Manscaped right here. This is James Bond. What is going on? This is insane. What the fuck? Yeah, it's a wild movie. It's also the movie itself, the point of view of the movie is like very misogynistic. It's like very sexist. It's sort of like the point of the movie is like guys should be out there doing stuff and women should be in the kitchen making food. That's what the movie's perspective. It's fucking amazing. Wow.

It's an incredible movie. You like a good bad. You told me about The Room before anybody was talking about The Room. I do. You know, I like a good bad when I think it's really, I think it has to come from passion. Hey, folks, We Might Be Drunk is brought to you by HIMS. Stop blaming your job, your stress, and your needy girlfriend. It's time to get your dick fixed, and HIMS is going to do it. They can help with the ED.

It gives men access to ED treatments like Viagra, Cialis, and their generic versions for up to 95% off. They've got what you need to get going and stay there. Everything's done online, so you don't have to leave the house, and no insurance is required. Wow!

It couldn't be easier to get things back on track. Start your free online visit today at HIMS.com slash drunk. That's H-I-M-S dot com slash drunk for your personalized E-D treatment options. HIMS.com slash drunk.

The featured products include compounded products which are not approved nor verified for safety effectiveness or quality by the FDA. Prescription required. See website for details. Restrictions and important safety information. Price varies based on product and subscription plan. Hey, we might be drunk as a party by cornbread hemp. When you're ready to seriously unwind, it's time for cornbread hemp. Cornbread and hemp's

CBD gummies are created to help you feel better whether stress, discomfort, or you just need to relax. Cornbread hemp only uses the best part of the hemp plant, the flour. So you're getting the purest and most potent CBD.

I love cornbread hemp. I take it at night just to unwind, just to relax, just to take the edge off. I'm not great with too much THC, so I like the hemp. It just hits me right, and I sleep like a baby. All their products are third-party lab tested, so you know you can trust them, and everything is USDA organic to ensure safety and purity. Right now, We Don't Have Any Drunk fans can save 30% off their first order. Wow.

Just head to cornbreadhemp.com slash drunks and use code DRUNKS at checkout. That's cornbreadhemp.com slash drunks.

And use code DRUNKS. When you watch The Room, you're like, this is the movie this guy wanted to make. He didn't make it because he was like, people will like this or it's going to be a big hit or I want to get money to make my next movie. He was like, this is what I want to express to the world. Yes. When people make movies that they, you know, they want to be bad, that never works. But Zardoz, like that guy made that movie because he had to make that movie. Right.

This guy Tommy Wiseau made The Room because he had to make The Room. To me, those kinds of bad movies where it's like real passion, that's the sweet spot. I'm with you. It wasn't like a money grab. No. There's like soul in it. Yes. And honestly, so many Hollywood movies right now are so like test marketed and test audience and overthought and all the edges are off. You see something that was clearly made by one guy and

It's exciting because it's so different from everything else. That's true. That's true. Now, you're in the Marvel Universe. Yeah. Do we have the toy? Guys. You're dead. Some respect. It's a voodoo doll. This is badass. I know. I mean. Is it crazy to think that kids are playing with this?

Yeah, I don't know if kids are playing with it. Yeah, I mean, that was a real dream. Like, you know, I grew up collecting action figures. I love them. And that was really like, looks like me, you know. I got to approve it. Yeah. They would send you like different versions and you'd say, oh, yeah. And you got kind of jacked here. I mean, what the hell? Kind of jacked. I mean, really jacked. Look at that. Holy shit. Zardoz. Zardoz. I got Zardoz. Damn. Wow. Was that miserable to have to get that jacked?

Getting that jacked was miserable. It was truly, truly miserable. Honestly, once you have it, keeping it is like a fourth as difficult. Keeping it is not that hard. Not that I look like that. I don't look like that. But... I see. You look pretty good. Getting it is hard. Keeping it is much easier. Not easy, but easier. Emily must have loved it. Emily was like... She was like... It's... See...

She had an adjustment because she was like, your body feels so different. At one point, she said, you know, after we had sex, she's like, it's like fucking the corner of a building. That's perfect. That's great. And then, you know, she started really working out, too. Like, we've got a gym now in our house. And now she's like, she's got like abs and stuff. She does like weights and all that, like heavy weights, you know, for weight.

For her. For a lady. Yeah. Come on. I mean, was it just like awesome to be in this movie? It's a big budget. That's what's great about it. Yes. The budget is insane. You're really in the lap of luxury. They give you a driver that's like, he was a great guy. Like we became friends. Still talk to him.

take you wherever you want, whenever you want, weekend, day off, whatever it is. Like he drove me to Stonehenge, which is like a few hours away, drove me back, me and Emily, both of us back.

You know, you really, the food's amazing. Like when they give, so you go. What are you eating on the Eternal? So they do this thing where you go and you talk to the guy and you tell him, they get all your, they have your exact macros, exact calories. They give you five meals a day that are exactly for you. Everybody's meals are different, different quantities. And you could be like, hey, tonight I'm going to go like do this. Yeah. So they're like adjust it and fix it for you. Or like, oh, on the weekend I want to go out and have a need for, look, there he is.

That was quick. That is quick work. Well done. What meals were those? Man, they get your meals. They give you a driver. This is big, big Hollywood. You really... Excuse me? Nice hotel.

Well, we had an apartment. Yeah. Nice apartment. Yeah. No, it's a great. I mean, you do realize on movie sets how much money is being wasted. I know. You hear like, you know, this movie was cheap. It was $10 million. And you're like, $10 million? So much money. How does it take so much money to make something that looks like shit? Right. So much money is wasted. I know. I mean, you know.

There's just a lot of wasted time. It's true. How did the movie come up? I mean, was it something that you kind of sought out or did you audition or what was the process? No, they called me, you know, kind of out of nowhere. They just called me, Chloe Zhao, who directed Nomadland and The Rider and all these. I knew she was doing this movie, Eternals, and they were like, hey, she wants to have a meeting with you. And I was like, what is this about? And I just walked in and they were...

Her and Nate Moore, who's a producer, who's great, he's produced all the Black Panther movies. They sat there and pitched me the whole movie in 45 minutes. And I was like, so what are you saying? They're like, would you want to play this part? They didn't tell me that's what it was. And I was like, yeah, of course. They'd already cast...

Angelina Jolie. I was the second person cast. That's exciting. Angelina Jolie. Yeah. Jesus. What was less exciting was the don't bring up the rotten tomato. Did that just throw you for a loop? Because you're making a movie. You're like, this is good. We're making a good thing. And then you see reviews that are like,

that didn't love it. What's your reaction? Yeah, it, yeah, it obviously threw me for a loop, you know? It was like really like sort of jarring. I actually talk about it in my standup, like my new, I just did a Hulu special. It's going to come out in December. All right. I talk about what that was like because it's also, you know, you're like,

I'm living the dream. Like you tell any version of me as a kid that I get to do this. Yeah. I'm thrilled. I don't care what the reviews are. So the fact that people have real problems, people have much harder things, but the fact that this thing, the reviews of my big Hollywood movie, like fucking destroying me is also like,

get it together. You know, like, like there are bigger problems. Right. But yeah, it, it really threw me for a loop. I think if you wrote it, it'd be in directed it. It'd be a little different, but yeah, you're just in the movie. Yeah. But it's still your face up there. It makes a difference. It's tough. Like I've been at the premiere of a movie that I was in that I was like, I've, it was one of the worst bombs. Like, Oh,

I've never seen a movie bomb at a premiere. And this movie, this is a big movie with big movie stars. Bombed it. How big a role did you have in it?

I didn't have a huge role. Finally, you bombed. Yeah. Finally. Can I tell you my worst bomb? I don't know if this story might not be appropriate. No, it's not. This story might not be appropriate. I already farted. You can do anything here. Okay, so this was a few years ago. I wasn't doing stand-up at this time, so this was between the big sec and me starting stand-up again. I hadn't been doing stand-up.

And I was doing a show at Largo that was like a benefit. And just by chance, me, Martin Starr, and Thomas Middleditch were all on it. We're all in Silicon Valley. Yes. This is a horrible story. I can't believe I'm telling it. Bring it on, baby. So Martin's going to sing. Thomas is doing improv with Keegan-Michael Key. I'm going to do stand-up. And I hadn't been doing stand-up. And it's like a bunch of, maybe it was 2015, 2014, something like that. Anyway.

So Thomas goes up and he's doing improv with Keegan and he asked for a suggestion and someone in the audience yells out, Nazi! And Thomas pulls up his sleeve and there's a swastika tattoo because that day Thomas had shot a sketch where he had a swastika tattoo and he hadn't just taken it off, it comes straight there. So if someone yells Nazi- - He accidentally made it permanent and he's like, "Eh, fine." - It hurts so much to get this.

He pulls it up and the crowd goes wild. He crushes because it's such a fucking crazy thing. And then he explains to them, I played this thing. This is washable. I'm going to wash it up. So that happens. Okay. That's amazing. So I go up to Martin and I'm like, hey, Martin.

"We should both draw swastikas on our arms, so we can go out and be like, you know, I'll go up and I'll be like, 'Hey, the cast of Silicon Valley, you know, we had such a wonderful experience, we wanted to get a tattoo to commemorate it and raise it and show it.'" And Martin was like, "That's a bad idea. Don't do that."

And I'm like, no, no, no, it's good. So I convinced someone to like with a Sharpie, draw a swastika on my arm. I go out there, opening joke. You say riff in the beginning. This is what I did. I was like, hey, so, you know, Casa Silicon Valley, we got so close, we wanted to all get a tattoo. You saw Thomas's, here's mine. And I pull it up and it's a scratched in swastika and it is fucking silent. Oh,

I have never heard this much silence. And now I got 14 minutes to go. Yes, yes. So I'm just sitting there, my arms burning right where I drew the swastika. My ears are burning. I do the whole set. Bomb. Someone whispers, it's a Holocaust benefit.

I want to clarify, this is before Nazis came back. Nazis used to be a punchline, remember? Hitler was a punchline. Now it's a headline. Yeah, now it's a headline. From punchlines to headlines. Martin goes up after me and he's like, I have a tattoo too, but I don't think you guys want to see it. Killed again. The first guy killed, the third guy killed, and the middle guy didn't. What?

That's like a comedy class. It is. It is a comedy class. That is funny as hell. So his worked? No, he didn't show it. That's why. He didn't even watch. That's the genius. He didn't show it. He was like, I don't want that on me. I was like, yeah, I think that's probably the best. What?

Wow, that's crazy. He took a big swing. I took a big swing. You know, sometimes you got to take a big swing. But this is what, this is like my nightmare, you know? I hadn't been doing stand-up. I didn't have material. I was like, I don't know what I'm going to do. Oh, I'll open with this. I'll ride that laugh for the first five to six minutes. And then I'll bring up the other like half-baked ideas. Then you're like, you guys heard of cheese? It's all about heroin. That is the worst bomb I've had.

That is hilarious. That story though. God damn. Did you pull out of that nosedive? No. Oh, man. I truly, I remember being like, I am totally bombing. I'd drawn it over here. And I remember talking for like two or three minutes and realizing, oh, I should cover this. Like I'd forgotten that I was still showing, just watching a swastika.

Man. Three minutes. And then I like covered it and continued to bomb. Terrible set. Jesus. Yeah. We've all had, you know, you got to have your riff. You take a shot sometimes and sometimes it doesn't work. You know? Here's one of the best versions of those that those are good. You guys don't know Jason Fever. Jason Fever was this Chicago comedian. Like all the Chicago dudes, you know, we all know him. And he lives in LA now. He's a really funny guy. And he was always like anti-comedy was this thing. Yeah. This is the funniest thing I ever saw him do. This is fucking insane.

There was a show. So we would do all these alt rooms like in New York. You know, there were these alt things. But there was a bar called Joe's on Weed Street, which was like a douchebag warehouse. It was like where the hot people went. And that was not our place. But they would have this show once a month. And it was fucking killer because it would be 400 people packed, gorgeous people. And we would kill it. And it was great. Yeah. Yeah.

They booked Jason Fever, which was a mistake. Jason Fever is an anti-comic. He wants to piss people off. So he goes on stage and he's like, I just want to say, I'm sorry, that intro, you guys weren't excited enough for me. So we have to do that again. I'm going to go off. And when I come back, you have to really go nuts. And he has these posters that he's made.

Go Jason Fever. We love Jason Fever. And he's handing them out to people. And now people are getting really into it. They're getting really excited. He's making them chant like, Jason, Fever, Jason, Fever. And the crowd's really into it. For five minutes, he hypes them up. He passes out all this stuff, hats that he's gotten made and all this stuff. People are really excited. He's like, all right, I'm going to go off right now. And then host's going to introduce me as if for the first time. I come out and you guys go fucking insane. Eddie Murphy's here.

He leaves stage. The guy comes out. He's like, please welcome to the stage, Jason Fever. Crowd goes fucking wild. The walls are shaking. And he comes out in a KKK outfit. That's hilarious.

They hated it. And you're backstage like, I'm going to go out in a KKK outfit. We should do it, Martin. Come on, Martin. Wow. But they hated it? That's gold. It ate shit. But it's, I mean, it's worth a story. It's worth a story. Yeah. He didn't care. He liked it. I mean, it's one of those things that you would think if the crowd is cool enough, they'd be like, oh, you

got us yeah yeah exactly there was a canadian guy he would like come out and like fist i forgot his name but he would like fist bump the crowd and he would like as he would fist like a white power i guess and they'd be like oh fuck oh you know who had a little of that but it always was funny was uh john dore

remember john dore was a little dangerous he was a little dangerous but but brilliant i haven't seen him in a while i haven't either he's so funny very funny i love this success with rory scovall oh yeah yeah he's one of those guys john dore that was just like naturally so funny and yeah his own thing i was like oh this guy he's also handsome i was like oh this guy movie star he's got it all yeah i just did a dr phil on sunday and rory was the other guest and you've

First of all, it was great to see Roy. I haven't seen him in a while, but you forget how fucking quick he is. He's so funny. He's so committed. He's so quick. It was incredible. I saw him in Atlanta improvise a whole hour-long one-man show that had like three acts. It was the craziest thing. Crazy. Fully improvised one story. He comes out, and he starts off. He's holding the mic by the wire so the mic is hanging down. Okay.

And so people can barely hear him. And it's just about this guy who is a he wants to be a comedian, but he doesn't know how to hold a microphone. There's a whole hour long story. And at the end, he like fine. He does the whole thing with the mic hanging down. Well, at the end, he gets it. And then people go fucking insane. Jesus killing the entire time with fully made up shit. Yeah, we would do like Montreal auditions. A new face. It was a big deal. You got to get this. And he would go up as a character and never tell them.

That he was that guy. So he would be like a Southern guy. He'd be like a Southern gay guy. Like, hi, how y'all doing? You know, he'd tuck his shirt in and everything and he would kill. And then he would just leave. And I'm up there sweating like, uh, cereal's weird. And I didn't get it, but he would get it off of a character. He was next level.

Yeah, his newest HBO special is the first time I think that he sat down and wrote a whole hour. Oh, great. It's really good. Okay. He wrote good jokes, man. His late night sets were funny always. Oh, yeah. He's really funny. He's got it all. What was I going to ask you? Hold on. He just moved to Denver.

Yeah, that's right. That's a rough airport, though. That's a rough airport. I just think as being a comic, you've got to have a good airport. Yeah. I could not agree more. Yeah. That was one of the brutal things about living in Chicago. O'Hare sucks. O'Hare's a tough airport. Yeah, well, that Chicago class, that stands alone. I think the Boston, it's like Louis C.K., Bill Burr, Stan Hope, Patrice. It's crazy. Dane Cook. David Cross. David Cross. Yeah, it just goes on and on.

But then you got Chicago. It was like you, TJ Miller, Pete Holmes, Jared Logan, Nick Vatterot, Kyle Kinane, Matt Bronger, Hannibal, Mulaney, Brooke Van Poplin. I mean, I'm falling off here. But it was a great group for a while.

Who did I leave out? These socks. David Angelo. Yes. She gave me these socks. I think they're so funny. It just says women's stand-up comedy on it. It's more like it's a sport. Yeah, like it's a sport. That's funny. That's darling super funny. Yeah. Oh, yeah. She's another one in Chicago. David Angelo. We had a good- David Angelo.

We had a good group. And again, it was like here, we were just performing for each other in front of barely any audiences. And all that mattered, I remember there was an open mic on Monday nights that we used to do called Lion's Den. And that was like the center of the scene in Chicago because the clubs never booked locals. Zany's never booked us.

and so every Monday night you'd go put your name in a hat there'd be like 70 to 80 people going up and the show would start at 8 and go to like 3am you know yeah and there were waves like uh

In the beginning, it wasn't good. Then around 15 to 30, it would be good. Then it'd be dead again. And then the pretty people who worked at like the restaurant where one of them was like a standout would show up with all his hardcore workers. So then it became a party again. So it was like really... I remember once I was up late and all the cool people were in later.

And I was like, oh man, I just want to kill in front of this crowd. So I just went up and I did five minutes from like something that had worked for me like a couple of weeks. Yeah. As soon as that came off after crushing, Kyle was like, I've heard that one. Oh,

Kanane said that. Kanane said that. Oh, he called you out. Yeah, he called me out. He's a purist. And I was like, that's right. Like, that's not what this room is for. Right, right. So that's what it was. I resent people when they would do, like, we have New Joke Night at the Cellar, and I get a little annoyed. You can't do. Well, when people are doing shit that I've seen, like,

Look, if it's crushed like once or twice in the main room, it's still new. You're adding a tag. That's one thing. But if you're doing like an old bit, I'm just like, dude, you're fucking up the curve in here. There's no honor in that. I get annoyed for sure. Totally. That's the thing with 50 first jokes too. I would be like pissed when I was like, oh, that's a bit you've been working on.

Right. Yeah. Yeah, totally. There's an honor. Speaking of. Good to have a friend like that, though, you know. I totally, I think about that all the time. And I only bring that up to say it was, it didn't matter how we were doing with the crowd. We were performing for the other comics. And it had to be original. And you had to have your point of view. And you had to always be writing. And that's why I think that class in Chicago, you know, everybody was like kept each other on. Right. Sorry. Oh, speaking of, we do a thing on this pod called Working on Any New Bits.

So are you working on any new bits? You know, I sort of... I recorded my special in March and then I took a couple months off stand-up. And this Saturday is my first time back. Oh, wow. I'm going back on tour at the end of the month. Yeah. So I don't really have anything new. If you have a peeve or something we could do. Yeah, what do you got a peeve? All right, I got a peeve. I got...

Here's my, I got two peeps. Please. I'm excited to hear them. I don't like a burger that's too big. I think burgers are getting too big. Like, LA has a five napkin burger. Don't give me that. Yeah. It's got to be something I can eat. I don't want it. The mess is included in the name. Yeah. Five napkins? Napkins is so many napkins. I want a period hooker. Give me the hooker. That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's a five tampon. Yeah, I don't want her. It's going to be a mess. Yeah. Your face is going to be covered. Yeah, I don't want her dripping down my forearm. What are you, fisting? Yeah, I guess so, yeah.

Yeah, that's a great one. The burger, and sometimes they put the big knife in there. I don't want the knife. The knife should not go in the middle of the burger. It's like a horror film with that knife in there. I like a big burger. I don't want a huge burger. I'm with you. They're too big. There's a limit. I just had a burger in Atlanta that I was like, this is the burger, because it was big.

But it wasn't drippy It was compact The bun didn't fucking fall apart Right There's so much like wet sauce The bun's falling apart You're just like Digging your fingers Straight into the meat now Yes Nobody wants I'll take it another level Not just burgers But just sandwiches You go to these places And they stack them like this high I'm like how the fuck Am I supposed to pick a bite Out of a sandwich Like cats Right How did you Right That's like Cats you gotta open a little And eat a little out first I think Yeah With like a fork

Cats is fucking, that's an institution. I love cats. I love cats. Nothing against cats. What's that swastika now? Yeah, exactly. Cats is great. The big bird, but you go to Vegas and you're like, we got the biggest steak or whatever. You're like, who's this for?

And they're like, it's called the heart attack steak or whatever. They name it. Now they're proud of it again. Yes. Become like, yeah, there was a heart attack burger that I – Laughing Skull. That my food truck used to have. Right. Yeah. Laughing Skull, the Vortex had those crazy burgers. But I'll do you one better, though. You get like a Bloody Mary and they put a fucking pork chop, an okra, an olive, a celery, a cheese cube, a bacon. You're like, all right, all right. There's a giant burger on it. You're like, what?

There's a burger. There's a slider in there. Yeah, exactly. Like enough's enough. And I love a Bloody Mary. Look at that. That's a salad. That's what I'm talking about. That's a fucking donut. That's like a beignet. At that point, the Bloody Mary is just a dressing. I got a Bloody Mary rack for you. Throw a little beef broth in there. They call it a Bloody Bull. It's fucking great. Bloody Bull. That was the name of that prostitute. But yeah. Wow. Look at that. Bloody Bull. I'm down.

It was fucking delicious. The other peeve I have. Please. I think every public bathroom should be pulled to enter and pushed to leave. Because when you're going in, people's hands are clean. You can pull it. Then you wash your hands. This is genius. With your butt, you push out. If I'm washing my hands and then I'm touching... So many people are touching their dicks and...

butts and then not washing their hands properly. It's all on the handle. Don't make me touch the handle again. It should be pull to enter, push to leave every single public bathroom. That's killer. That's a great piece. That's like a public announcement to the politicians. We go to Congress with that. I could run on that. Yes, yes. If only I wasn't born in Pakistan. I really feel like it's such a basic thing because I always hate like I'm like pulling up my shirt to get that. I'd rather have, I guess,

Stranger shit on my shirt than on my shirt. That's a good point. But yeah, that's a great one. I went to England. They have a kick flush. And I was like, why don't we always do a kick flush? It should always be a kick flush. Yeah. I wish every place had a fucking bidet. I'll take it a step further. I love a bidet. Yeah. You go to like a gas station rest stop and they have like the fucking thin toilet paper. Yeah. God damn it. I got to stack it like 10 times. I know. Five napkin shit.

Pull this up. We're talking public restrooms. That fucking restroom where it's like a dark plastic where it has the toilet papers hanging down. It's a two-paper holder, and you got to pull it, and it keeps tearing. So you got to get momentum, and you got to pull it, pull it just gently but still firm enough to where you're holding it. I hate that fucking thing because you're in a vulnerable situation. That guy. That guy. I hate that guy. The other thing is fighting it.

Right. Yes, yes. Horrible. Exactly. This is the worst. The worst. Oh my God, that makes me so angry. It just keeps tearing and tearing so you get like strip after strip and you're wiping your ass with a fucking ransom note. I'd rather get a swastika tattoo than a tattoo of that.

Look at that. It looks like an old tape deck. It does. Yeah, come on. It's reel-to-reel. That is maddening right there. That is reel-to-reel. Roll-to-roll. Roll-to-roll. This just reminds you of a bad shit. Yes, yes, exactly. You're already vulnerable. Your pants are at your ankles. You're getting blown. Give me a regular paper towel holder. I mean, the reason they have this is because people keep peeing on the toilet paper. Why? Is that what it is? It's just people are maniacs. Wait, what are you getting at?

What are you getting? Is that real? Well, why is it encased in steel? Why is that the first thing you think of? Is that your instinct? Oh, God. They got me again. I got to pee on this toilet paper. They're stealing the rolls, I think, maybe. Oh, good. I got a couple peeves. I feel like that's more likely than people peeing on the toilet roll. Yeah, what's your peeve? I got one. Someone asked me to do a favor, and then they said, and while I have you. No.

Oh. I was like, the favor's the favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't get to stack on. You don't get to stack on. It's not like DoorDash where you're like, you have another 10 minutes to throw on another thing. Ha, ha, ha.

It's literally like someone's blowing you and you're like, could you do the dishes later too? Yeah, right. No, you're doing the one favor. Yes, while I have you. That's crazy. That's like a CEO or something. I was furious. What was the favor? I don't even want to say because it's going to out the person. Okay. Tell us this. How big was the second flavor and how...

A favor? And how was it in comparison to the size of the first one? Good question. Which one was the bigger favor? They were equal level. That's crazy. Oh, it should be lower. It's got to be lower. The second favor has to be much less. I hate the second favor. Yeah, it's a total second favor, just the same size as the first one. Yeah, that's true. It's two favors. What'd you do? I'll tell you afterwards. I'm going to out the person. All right, all right.

I had one other. I got one. How about this guy? People have talked about this, so I'm not breaking the... What is it? Reinventing the wheel here, but...

The guy, you know, the airport, you're finally getting boarding. You're boarding the plane. They go, group one, group two. I'm in group two. So I start walking towards. We got a full clear line forming. There's 10 people in line in group two. And you get the side guy. Oh, the side guy. I hate these. They swarm in on the side. And now all of a sudden they're third in line. And I'm eighth. But I waited in line like a good citizen. Yeah. Now he's third. That is bullshit. What is that?

It's entitlement. It's entitlement. I guess so. It's entitlement. But no one wants to be the Karen and go, hey, hey. I'll call them out. Really? If they try to cut them, I'm like, nope, I'll box out. Okay. I hate that shit. I hate it. The side. And they come from both sides. It's great. My ex did that once where she was so mad about it that she boxed the people out and let others go in front. Yes!

And the person cursed her out and she goes, bye-bye. Whoa! She was like, hit her back with like a fuck you. I was like, all right. Bye-bye. I guess I'm in it with her right now. I guess so. Rules. We live in a society. Thank you. I'm with you, dude. Okay. What do you got? What else do I have? Um...

What was Galifianakis? When a guy went up to him and goes, you look just like Galifianakis. No offense. That's a great joke. That's so good. I remember one of the Galifianakis jokes I always think of. I didn't like my last name because it's so complicated. My grandfather was a beautiful name. It starts with a gal and ends with a kiss. And he says, I wish my name was Zach Galifianakis. Fuck. Fuck.

He had some jokes that were like, I don't know why that's funny, but it's so funny. He did on SNL monologue. He said, this is my impression of a guy from Queens.

what do you got cargo shorts that's the whole joke but it's hilarious i i just that was last year where he was like he was you know when i was starting stand-up he i saw him on conan as a stand-up with the piano yep i was like that's one of my favorite stand-ups like back you know when he was doing stand-up late 90s and stuff oh yeah mr show guys in that whole scene he was so funny and last year he was in l.a for a while because he doesn't live in l.a anymore

But he was going up a lot, so I was like seeing him go up a whole bunch, and he's still just as funny. He's a brilliant guy. I mean, Purple Onion, his presents was amazing. When he had all the dancers come out. The dancers, he pulls the Annie dress off, you know, that whole thing. My first thing right before moving to New York, I opened for Zach on the road. I did like a little tour with Zach before Hangover, but after a movie called Out Cold. So good.

Oh, yes. The snowboard movie. Yeah. Big movie. He had so he had like comedy, all all comedy nerds. And then, yeah, so like bro people who. Right. Yeah. Wow. There it is.

Yeah, Hangover, I think Todd Phillips fought to get him in. He's like, this guy's hilarious. And everybody's like, he's a no-name. No one's heard of him. Forget it. And he fought for it, and it worked out, obviously. I mean, yeah, you can't even picture someone else in that movie. I know. He's so, I mean, that movie, you know, it was like, oh, wow, a new comedy star has arrived. Yes, yes. So funny.

And then he kind of like, you know, he did that for a little bit. Then he was like, I kind of want to go off and do my own thing. So he did baskets for a few years. And that was a great show. That was brilliant. Not like a big mainstream thing or anything. He just kind of does what he wants to do. He's like a true, like, he has integrity, I think. I agree. Yeah. I think he lives in South Carolina or something. He used to live in North Carolina. Now he lives in Canada somewhere. Whoa. Weird. Weird.

middle of nowhere yeah there's i remember seeing a clip of him on youtube and i was just starting in new york and he was playing on a piano in some shit bar and he goes why am i not famous because he was like bombing playing the piano and i remember relating to that like oh i didn't think i was supposed to be famous but i just knew that frustration yeah why am i not connecting yes exactly yeah

Yeah. You know, it's like that old Bill Burr thing where he'd be like, I would go kill in Cleveland and then I'd come back to New York. I'm getting shit on, stepped on. I can't get booked. He's like, I'm killing in obscurity. I love that quote. I think of that quote constantly. Me too. Killing in obscurity. Well, you know, there's a lot of comics like that. I mean, Jake Johansson, he's not, I think, as big as he should be. Yeah, totally. He does clubs, he doesn't do theaters.

you know, seven shows from Thursday to Sunday. Clean. Huh? Clean. New all the time. I mean, that dude's got like probably 50...

15 different hours at the end of the show. Yeah, yeah. And there's people like that. You know, like comics, you're like, you're so fucking funny and you just don't... People don't know how... You know who was like that for a long time? Nate Borghese. Nate Borghese. He was like that for a long time and now he's the biggest comic in the country. Huge. I just did his movie. He's doing a movie. He is? Yeah, he's like the lead of a big comedy. Wow. And I just went... You know...

He's in the Chicago scene He's from there Is that right? Yeah he was with us Back then Oh I didn't even know that That is a loaded scene man Crazy scene Nate Bargatze yeah Wow Guess Matt Ruby's The only one who blew it No He's not from Chicago Well he's I think he started there

I didn't know him there. Yeah, he went to Northwestern. Is that there? Oh, he must have been there. Yeah. Is he still, do you still see him? He's at the Cellar. I saw him last night. You guys do a show together, right? Yeah, yeah. If you ever want to do it, we do three shows in the city together. Which, what night? New York Comedy Club on Monday, Cellar on Tuesday, and the other New York on Wednesday. Which Cellar? The Lounge. Fat Black. It's a good workout room. Sandler did it last night. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Just saying. Pretty fun. Oh, yeah. How long are you in town for?

I leave tomorrow to go see my parents in Jersey, so I'm there for a few days. Nice. And then I go home. I'm just in town for this corporate. You take breaks. You're like a healthy, sane human being. We've been touring the same amount since you left. We haven't taken a break. We're going to fall down of a heart attack one day. I'm so nervous to take a break because I feel like I'll lose it. But you can do it. Well, two things. One, you know...

He took a break and then he put a swastika on his arm. Yeah, man. I'm a cautionary tale. I'm not aspirational. For me, it was, you know, I was just touring. I got a little spoiled because like shooting is exhausting, but it's not the same as flying, doing a show, flying, doing a show. Right. That is...

The only like when I'm touring, the only time I really love is that hour on stage or sometimes afterwards. Like now that I do theaters, I do like early shows. I'll do like 7 p.m. I'll buy 830, have dinner with Emily at nine somewhere nice. Those are the things I like.

What I was doing last few months was really tough. I was shooting during the week, and then on the weekends I was touring, which is what Bargatze is doing right now. It's too much. Couldn't handle it. I said what helped me from taking the break was...

I took my break for like seven years, whatever. I went out, I'm seeing people that I haven't seen in a long time. And you're like, some people you're like, oh, you got better. But some people I'm like, you were funny then and you're still funny, but you're the same. Like not doing the same material, new bits, but I'm like,

Nothing's like progressed. Your point of view hasn't changed. Your jokes aren't better. I was like, you stayed the same. You know what Chris Rock said about that? He said, it's like a basketball player. Every offseason, you need to come back with a new move. That's so true. It's like, what have you added to your bag? It's true. Interesting. Absolutely true. Yeesh. And so that bummed me out. Yeah.

The advantage I had taking a break and then coming back, one, I had to have a reason to come back. Like, why am I doing this again? Because honestly, the only thing, those years that I did not miss doing stand-up because I was feeling fulfilled doing other stuff. Yeah. What I missed was the feeling of being good at it. Right. The feeling of, I used to be good at this and I'm not anymore was a horrible feeling. Yeah. You know, you never saw me bomb. I took a few years off. Yeah.

like you said, drawing swastikas. Yeah, yeah. Horrible feeling. But the advantage I had of coming back after a break was I got to like sort of restart and be like, okay, like what do I want to, how do I want to be on stage? Yeah. I got to have some distance, some objectivity. How do I want to be on stage? What are the things I want to talk about? Not in any kind of like heady or serious way, but it's like, what's funny to me now?

Yeah. How is that different from, you know, what was funny? Did you have to like relearn? Did you have to like listen to old stuff? You're like, oh, this is my voice as a comic. Oh, no. The weird if you guys really want to hear. For me, it's interesting. I don't know if it's interesting for anybody else. I basically, you know, I was about to shoot this movie. The actor strike happened. Suddenly I was on this runway ready to go do something. And then suddenly I was very fucking frustrated. I was like, yeah.

I'm going to do stand-up. And in those seven, eight years that I didn't do stand-up, every now and then I'd go up on stage and fuck around like the way I did with that Largo show. But I was like, each time I'd do it, it was like, okay, I have to recreate the conditions of when I was really doing it. So over two weeks, I set up like seven or eight shows. And I was like, I'm going to do all of these shows. And at the end of that, I'll know, I'll decide if I want to do it. Then the last show of that run felt like old time. Oh.

All right, now it's got its hooks in me. Because you had some momentum. You felt better. I just felt like myself. Yes. For a moment, it was glimpses of how it used to feel. Right. You know that feeling of, and I don't have that feeling anymore, and I don't think it sounds arrogant to say because it's a past version of me. I remember having the feeling as a stand-up at a certain point being like,

I can kill in any room in any situation. I had that confidence for a little bit. Some of my time in New York, I had that. The first two weeks I came back, first two, three, four weeks, I was doing great on stage. I was killing...

Because I think, one, people were excited to see me. They hadn't seen me in a while. But I was also nervous, so my energy was different. I was very present. As I got more comfortable on stage, I started not doing as well. After the first few weeks, the next few weeks were not good. I was doing fine, but I wasn't killing. I wasn't doing well. It was soft. I think it was because...

I think it was because my muscle memory was defaulting me back to how I used to be on stage eight years ago. You know, you walk out, your heart's going, you pick up the mic, the feeling of putting it to the right, all that. And suddenly I was doing stand-up the way I used to do it back then. And it felt fake to me. And it felt fake to them because I was like, I'm an older guy now. I'm like a different person than I was back then. I'm pretending to be like this other person that I'm kind of not anymore. And I think...

You know, audiences can sniff when you're sincere. When you're in it and you're not in it, they can sniff it, right? Oh, totally. When it's just the words without the meaning, they laugh less. They know. So I think that's what it was. And so then I was like, okay, this is weird. So what I have to do is...

I have to go out on stage and have no obligation to do well. I have to lean back and just see what happens, see how it comes out. And then once I decided that, that I'm not going to kill, I'm just going to go out, lean back and see how naturally I am on stage. That's when then I finally think that's when I started slowly making progress again. The other thing that was hard was learning to write standup again, because, you know, I'd been writing scripts and,

Those are two very different things. Like writing a script actually I think makes you worse at writing stand-up. Because with the stand-up, you do a set-up. Ideally, you do one set-up, you got a punchline, you got four tags. Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny, funny.

In a movie or TV show, you can't do that. You have to like reset and reset the stakes. So like something like The Big Sick, you know, you have a laugh, then you got to have something that grounds it again. Then you got to have a laugh, then you got to have something that grounds it again so that you can ride that wave. So you're having like in a movie like The Big Sick, having a funny sequence that's like,

Six or seven big laughs in a row can actually hurt your movie, can hurt the tone of the movie. Whereas in stand-up, that is the fucking goal. Be as funny as you can possibly be. So my instinct was always like, I'll have a punchline, then I'll have some more stuff to say, then I'll have a punchline. And I was like, oh, that's exactly wrong for stand-up. The goal for stand-up is to have like five funny things to say in a row. Yeah. Wow. But now you feel back.

I feel back. Yeah, yeah. And it took me like, honestly, it took me like two or three months and I was going up all the time and I was doing well. But when I wrote the first- Was it painful? No, I was really liking it. It was painful for those three or four weeks where I wasn't doing it. Right, right. Because then after that, suddenly I understood what the goal was and what I was reaching for. Because there's not like riding a bike because you're saying like, I mean, you're literally having to reinvent yourself.

You have the tools. You've done this a long time, but you do have to reinvent yourself. And you relearn the lessons that you learned that I learned over 10 years. I relearned them, but over the course of two months where you remember, oh, right, yeah, that thing that I learned. Yes, yes. Oh, right, that thing. Just little ways, like you were saying, the riffing up top, little things like that that you remember like, oh, right, I knew this and had forgotten it.

I do feel like I'm back. I was really loving doing it, but I really felt when I had my first new bit that I wrote, that's like a six or seven minute long bit, that I was like, oh, this bit kills. This bit, I would say, would hold up against the best stuff that I've ever done for me. And that's when I was like, okay, now I know I'm capable of it. I know I can write a bit as funny as that.

as I used to, and that then helped me a lot more.

It's almost like the Roger Bannister. He did the four minute mile. Then everybody did it. But you needed the first guy to do it. So you can go, oh, I can do it. Yeah, it's possible. Like the 900. Tony Hawk did the 900. Now like 12 year olds are doing 900. You know, but you need the first guy to do it. That's so interesting. Yeah, yeah. Imagine the first guy who dunked in basketball. I know. They were like, I didn't know you'd do that. You just touched the rim. The damn Negro Leagues. Well, you see those old clips of Wilt Chamberlain and he's just so much bigger than everybody.

and everyone in the room, you're like, holy shit. - I know. - This is like a god. I mean, look at this guy. - Wilt the Stilt. - He was incredible. I mean, some of the shit he was doing back then is-- - But then you look at these guys now, like, you know, when you see like, Wemby or whatever, where like, guys that tall that can move like that, that's new. That's-- - I know. - It was never like that.

It's crazy. Yeah. It just keeps getting better. His talent is crazy. That guy, and he's also like an interesting guy. He was at like a monastery. Really? He's like sophisticated. He's reading. He's not like all these other. Yeah. Giannis is awesome too. He's also like he moves like that and he's so tall. Yeah.

Giannis Papas. Giannis Papas. Yeah. I love Giannis. Giannis is great, man. Yeah. So what do you got cooking? We'll get you out of here, but you can see in Zarzos 2. Yeah. I should make Zarzos 2. Are you on the road? Yeah. I got some dates coming up. I'll tell you where to go. You go to linktree.com. Yeah.

Yeah, you just, you got it. You can spell it out. It's pretty phonetic. I think it's, there you go. There we go. First one right there. Oh, here? Yeah. Oh, mama. So see, I got a bunch of dates. I got, I don't know if this will be, Ben Salem, Newark, Brooklyn. July 12th.

Okay, great. So Edmonton, Milwaukee, Ann Arbor, Grand Rapids, London. I'm going to London, Portland, Maine, Providence, Rhode Island, Boston, Cincinnati, Nashville, Vegas, Orlando, Tampa, Fort Lauderdale. Not as many as you guys, but that's a real tour. That's a great tour. And the Wilbur, Tampa Theater. These are great. I'm thinking of maybe doing my next special there. I kind of like it. Yeah. It's gorgeous theater. I thought the same thing.

I'll tell you where, you know, I got to do this tour that I started in August. And then I'm taking a little break. I realized my favorite venues are like those sort of theaters that are like 100, 110, 120 years old. My favorites are there was one in North Carolina, in Durham, the Carolina. Oh, I've done that one. Yes, yes. I would record a special there.

And the venue that I did in Atlanta theater, I would record a special there. I don't remember the name of it right now.

Maybe Buckhead Theater or the Symphony Hall. The Moore is in Seattle. Moore is great. The Moore in Seattle is elite. I would do it there. Burgess did his last one there. It's beautiful. I would do it there. But I did mine at the Vic in Chicago. I did mine there, too. Classic. Great room. I did it because when I opened for Zach Alphanackis there in 2006, I remember being like, someday I'll headline here. Wow.

And then that's the first time I was like, I got to do my special there. Yeah. Yeah. Cool. Chicago. That's where I started stand up. That's where I met Emily. I was like, got to go back and do it there. That's beautiful. Great city. Great city, except for six months out of the year. It is really brutal. It's brutal. Red Bank, New Jersey, the Count Basie Theater in July. Then I'm at the Wilbur in Boston in August. Then we got Irvine.

Improv, I'm doing a weekend there in August. Oklahoma City, Bricktown Comedy, that's a great one. The Venetian in Vegas, September 19th. Rochester, New York, trying to tighten some stuff in clubs. Chicago Theater, October 4th. Ooh, that's good. Chicago Theater's real nice. That's a special one. As good as it gets. Winnipeg, Salt Lake City, and then we got Carnegie Hall in New York City. Carnegie Hall. Let's go. How big is the Carnegie Hall? I think it's like...

or something. I don't know. Yeah, 35, 36. Awesome. I'm pumped. Very exciting. That's a special room, great room, and a local boy makes good. Go to our sites, punchup.live slash samorell, punchup.live slash Mark Norman. Mark, where are you going to be? Hey, I'm at the Melody Tent in Cape Cod, then I'm at the

Connecticut, what is it, Foxwoods, and Parks Casino. You're there. That's where I am, too, yeah. I hear that's great. Then we're off to New Zealand, Melbourne, Sydney, Perth, Adelaide, Brisbane, and back in the Hamptons, Calgary, Vegas, Dallas, and...

And Akron, Ohio, that's the beauty of stand-up. You know, you go to Sydney, Australia, and then you're like, now we're going to Akron. And Dayton, Halifax. Yeah, great place. People are like, how do you stay grounded? Well. Yeah. Ohio is how we do it. Yeah. Ottawa, Huntsville. And yeah, come on out. Go check us out. Get some Bodega Cat. Bodegacatwhiskey.com. DM us the Instagram account, Bodegacatwhiskey, if you want us in your bar or you're in a, you know.

Matt at the stream lab dot com. Is that it? Something like that. Matt Herman. I fucked it up. Yeah, just go to the just Instagram message. The Bodega Cat Whiskey. He'll message you. I met Gallagher in Ohio. Oh, well, there you go. That'll keep you grounded. Yeah. Time comes for us all. Go see Kumail on the road. Thanks for coming in. We might be drunk. We did it. Comedy. Sunday's Ben. Women's talking shit. Danger. Off to lunch here in New England.