A Horny Cowboy For Christina's Birthday w/ Johnny Pemberton | Your Mom's House Ep. 815
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New Jersey, I'll be bringing my Come Together tour to Atlantic City this weekend for two shows at Hard Rock Live at Etis Arena on Friday, June 20th and Saturday, June 21st. Get tickets now at TomSagura.com slash tour. Welcome, welcome to your mom's house. Aw, get off!

Welcome to another episode of Your Mom's House. Happy birthday, Jean. Thanks, James. It's your born day. It's my born day. And here's what I've decided. I am supposed to be 49. Yeah. But fuck that shit. Fuck it. I'm going to take 48 over again because it sucked such donkey balls with, you know, having cancer. You had your Invisalign. We've all suffered this year. It's been a rough year. So the double bird to 48 as it was. Yep. Fuck that shit. I'm 48 again. You're 48 again. Oh. That's a real chick thing to say. Yeah. Chicks do that.

Why not? Why is it a girl thing? It's a girl thing to be like, I'm done this year over again. You know what? Let me tell you something. I'm tired this year over again. And my friends, we're going to celebrate. And it's my year again. You know what? Can I tell you something? You know this. The audience doesn't. I took my girlfriends, my BFFs, we went to Mexico. You did. Fuck my stoma. Yeah. We laughed. We cried. We had the best time. That's awesome. And then I also understand that.

why women are super annoying because I will give it to you that we just say too many words. Yeah, chicks talk a lot. And I wasn't drinking because I don't want to drink through my meds because I'd ruin my meds. And there was a point when we were flying home where I was like, shut the fuck up. Yeah. Yeah. But I love them. But yeah, I get why men are like, Jesus Christ. How men just go...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How much of what I say registers with you? Be honest. I think a lot. No. Yeah. I see your eyes glaze over. Well, that happens. It's a percentage. Yeah. Well, what's the percentage? I don't know. You don't know because you're not listening. No. I'm saying to do a full analysis. I don't think you're not like that. I'm not that mouthy. No. No.

You know why? That's why. Why? Because my dad trained me. Yeah. Good job, dad. Yeah. Yeah. He was like, don't. Women talk too much. Yeah. You're good. Lenovo. Yeah. You don't talk too much. You don't. You know who talks the perfect amount? Who? Heather Mills. Heather who works here. Yeah. Because she keeps to herself. And then it's like, do you want it? What do you want for lunch? Oh, you like that. Can I get you a coffee? And you're like, that's perfect. I mean, she does a little more than that. But yeah. She's very creative. She's brilliant. Yeah. Yeah.

And like, I like, I like when women connect with stories. I mean, I'm sorry. Connect with feelings. Like we talk about real things and you guys just sit around and tell stories. You don't even talk to each other properly. Properly. No, I'm serious. We have a good time. Not really. Yeah, we do. You guys just tell stories, but you don't connect with each other. I think we do.

Okay. Well, how come every time you come back from being with your boyfriend, I'll ask a basic question like, how is so-and-so's wife doing? What's up with their mother? Or how's their health thing? And you're like, I don't know. We didn't talk about that. Yeah, because that's what I'm saying. We have a good time. We don't talk about shit like that. We're like, what's up with your car? Yeah, it's all you guys care about. Your arms look good. What have you been doing? Yeah. Yeah.

Can I get your arm workout? Yeah. I feel like that's, you know, that's one way to communicate. And I've enjoyed that in green rooms for years. Yeah. You guys just sit around and tell the same stories. No, it's true. You know what you need? Honestly, you just need a little, you need a little bit of both. You need a balance. You need a balance. Yeah. You need some chicks around. Yeah. So you can open up, talk about some feelings and then guys to like, you know.

Tell some stories. Have a good laugh. Have a good time. Yeah. And then you shut the fuck up. Everybody shuts up. Yeah. And then everyone shuts up. But guys intuitively shut up. That's the thing. You hang out with guys. So true. You talk and then the guys are just like.

You're like, that was enough. Yeah. No, I see you guys do it in the green rooms. Yeah. Like, I know when the boys are quiet, don't talk. Yeah, yeah. Do not say a fucking word. It fucks up with this talking. Yeah. Even with you, like, I see when you're thinking thoughts because you look at your thoughts, you'll look down and go. Yeah. And I'm like, oh, he's thinking I shouldn't.

I shouldn't talk to him. I appreciate that. I will say I think you're really good, though. I don't think you're not like a chatty, chatty broad who's like, Jesus, fucking shut up. You're not like that. No. I mean, obviously, because otherwise I probably wouldn't have... You'd murder me long ago. No, I wouldn't be interested if you were like... Just fucking yapping all day. I'd be like, Jesus Christ. But you do like...

Because you told a story. Do you mind if I recap at the dinner table what you said to my stepsister? No. Where you were like, we were talking about how my stepdad, my fat Indian stepdad had lupus. We didn't know that. And he would cough a lot. Yeah. He'd be like, like that cough that I do is actually his cough. Yeah. And then my mother would get mad and go, Dean, please. And get really mad at him. You're disgusting. Stop this coughing. And then you, what happened? Tell the story. I talked about how you...

Get mad at A, a productive cough. I don't like when it's productive. You don't like a cough. And then you also don't like involuntary coughs. Oh, that's the worst. Like if someone's sick and coughing, you're like, knock it off. It's like, I'm sick. I'm not trying to cough. My body's coughing. And you're like, well, stop.

You can stop. You told me that. You were like, you can stop. I'm like, I'm sick. I'm coughing. You're like, yeah, but stop. But it was too much. You could have controlled it at that point. See, that's a broad thing. You could have controlled it. No, that's just a woman thing where that's when I need a guy around to be like, are you hearing this fucking chick? You know?

Like, seriously. Women are stupid. But then you still married me. I know. Admit it that you like that I'm a little inappropriate at times. I like that you're a little inappropriate. I don't categorize that as inappropriate. What is that? That's just dumb. Yeah. Stupid. Fucking stupid. Yeah. But you could control your cough. Okay. Just to be fair, that was enough coughing. Here we go. This is so good. If you don't have a picture in your profile...

then don't even bother mentioning me. If you're black, don't even mention me. If you're overweight or slightly overweight, don't even bother mentioning me. If you have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband, don't even bother mentioning me. If you have a kid or kids, even if they don't live with you, don't even bother mentioning me either. Other than that,

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow. wow.

Was it Jessica Carson? A lot of people have said it lately. Steph said it last. This is so long. Oh, Steph told us. Oh, yeah. It's 15 years. No, it is. It's so long. And I'm so excited to talk about this. Yep. You've got to wait. Yeah, it's 20 minutes. Good. Good.

Wait, what does he even say? Don't go to me. He says, if you don't have a profile picture, don't message me. Don't make that move. If you're black, don't message me. Black! That was his second one. Let's put down his profile. Let me write these down. If you don't have a photo, if you're black, don't message me. If you're overweight, and then he said, or even slightly overweight, don't message me. If you have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband,

Don't message me. Okay. If you have a kid, even if the kid doesn't live with you, don't message me. Yeah. I mean, you have a good memory for this. It was very, very funny. Really good memory.

If you don't have a picture in your profile, then don't even bother mentioning me. Your plus, don't even mention me. If you're overweight or slightly overweight, don't even bother mentioning me. If you have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband, don't even bother mentioning me.

Other than that...

Other than that. Other than that. Other than that. I would love to watch this guy shoot you down so hard. Me? Yeah, yeah. He'd be like, first of all, you're slightly overweight. He'd be like, you have kids. He sounds like Yoshi though. Husband. Is this Yoshi? White Yoshi? Yeah. You have kids. You're slightly overweight. I mean, to watch this guy shut people down would be my next favorite thing. Yeah, bring him in. We should do a dating show. A chick. We should do like we did with Tony. Yeah.

But just have all women who either have a kid, but make them all hot. He'd be like, nope. Nope. Not interesting. So basically, the only person he could date is a non-black, young, single, childless woman. Yeah, he's basically saying, are you 21 and hot? Message me. Are you a 21-year-old white hottie? Message me. Are you 21 years old?

But I will say, I saw this woman, we covered her on this show, where she was like, men are so slimy. Mm-hmm.

that you have to specify. Are you currently married to a person right now? Right now, right. Are you separated? How separated? Does that just mean in your mind you're separated or actually are you, because people will come up with apparently reasons. If you're black, don't mess with me. Mess with me? Mess with me. If you're black, don't mess with me.

If you're black. Don't bother missing me. Missing me. Missing me. Don't bother missing me. Don't bother. I'm sure the black women don't even fucking want his ass. How about like some good advice? Because this guy needs it. I think this guy needs advice. Don't miss me. Next time you're out on a drive and you know an exit is coming up, reach over. Stop. I know. Rub up and down her leg. I'm going to fucking puke. Rotate around and just squeeze just a little bit. Up and down.

Just kind of massage the area a little bit. I hate his breathing. Look over, give her a little smile, maybe a little wink. And as you're approaching that exit and she can see the sign, just point at the sign and say, you interested in pulling off? Have a little adventure? Have a little adventure? He's so winded from walking two steps in the rocks. And then...

Pull over. He gives all sexy type advice. Oh, I know. Have you jibbed the other ones? I've seen a bunch of his stuff. It's always in my algo. Playing the Piediaro is extremely important. Yeah. The puke. Now, the very first thing most men go into is they want to start jabbing. They want to start jabbing. Totally wrong. Totally wrong. You have a tool for that. And she'll ask for it when she wants it. No. Use your fingers.

the way they are ever going to be used. I can't. Stop breathing. It's such an interesting lane for this guy to choose.

Like his whole thing is love making advice for men. Okay, so this is not, and I like that it's always in nature. Like he doesn't have a house. He can, you know why? Because his fucking wife is there. Yeah, he's like, I'm doing my videos. Out of the forest. Were you telling them how to touch me? Dean, please make your videos outside here.

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I think, okay, so there is a lane of this age of guy with blue eyes and they're usually bald, but they wear like hats and scarves and they lip sync poorly to romantic songs. Oh, that's a big thing. There's that. There's the other one that is such, the cringiest of all is the one who's like. Yeah, he's the best. He's like, is that all right? He's my favorite. Is it okay if I look at you like this? And then they get shot and they're like.

all coy after it and you're like, okay, dude. And it's a fucking 50-year-old guy. I know. So there's one guy on the gram who does those sexy coy videos. Sexy stare. Yeah. So then he makes this video and he's like, guys...

Women, stop DMing me. I'm married, okay? I make these videos for myself. Yeah, yeah. I'm getting bombarded. Yeah, he got busted apparently. Probably, you know, some hoe in his DMs. His wife was like, what is this shit? He's like, nothing. I'm just doing my stare videos. I'm doing my vids. This is like this pig. I'm sure he's married.

Some poor woman. Next time you're on a date. He's got a lisp, too. Stare right in her eyes. Right in her eyes. And ask. And ask. What would you do if I asked you to go take your underwear off? Oh, boy. Hand them to me. What would you say if I asked you to take off your underwear? Look at that. It feels like that's the face he makes when he asks. He's like, will you take your underwear off? Please? Fucking dork. Can't. Oh, wow. They're pretty soiled.

Yeah, it's always guys that look like this that think they can... Well, he's giving advice. He's giving advice and people are... He's the... What is he? He's a cowboy. He's a cowboy. Oh, he's been married 25 years. You're right. Yeah, I knew it. That's why he's never doing this shit in his own house. How you can move... His videos are about making a move. Oh, okay. And causing excitement in your life. He is trying to be a relationship coach. Okay. That's pretty cool. Horny cowboy. Okay.

That's his name in there? No, no, no. That's just what we call him. Yeah, he's totally so horned up. He's very horned up. Hold on. Before I forget, speaking of horny, buy my lipsticks, you guys. Oh, yeah. Christina P. Buy all four. Buy the perfect four. Make your lady horny when she puts them on. Yeah. These lipsticks make ladies so horny. Next time you're out with your lady, why don't you just reach over and...

Take her by the hand, put it between your legs and say, do you feel that? See what she does? I hate him. You hate him? Yeah. Yeah. Just like nobody wants that. Nobody needs. And the guys that he's telling this shit to, they're not. It's not good advice, guys. Don't do this. Don't do any of it? No. I mean, look, if the lady likes you, she likes you, dude. There's nothing you can do. We're not. It's just there's nothing you can change about yourself. Either we're into it or we're not. All right.

She's just not that into you. She's not that into you. Yeah. Or she is. Or she is, yeah. And you go, do you want to have a little adventure on this next exit? Stop. There's one where he's like, push her up against the wall gently and then stare into her eyes.

Hold the stair. Yeah. And then say, do you want me to kiss you? Just like something stupid like that. I'm like, dude, stop. This is more your speed, I think. Prepare for my Dom session with me. So the prep for this session starts the night before because this man likes to be...

That's a lot of food.

Once I'm at the hotel, it's a real quick session, about 20 minutes in and out. I do my thing and then I make a f***ing bag. Always a bag. Since y'all were saying that I was capping in the last video, I decided to provide the receipts. So there's the deposit, the food receipt, the food return, and the remainder of the bag.

Yeah. So cool. Easiest way to make money. Taking dumps. That's rad. So easy. And she's got the chair set up. Yeah. And she puts down the wee-wee pads. For your house training, your little pup. She just takes a dump and this guy's like, here's $1,000 or whatever. That's awesome. That's rad. Now, if you could really get away with shitting in a bag and leaving the bag there or shitting in the...

bringing it to him. Not having to do it in real time would be preferable. Sure. Because for me, it's the pressure of the performance anxiety. Yeah. He wants this now. How do I know when the laxatives are going to kick in? But man, it's wild that that's somebody's favorite thing and then you found somebody that'll provide it. That's so cool. That girl is like, yeah, I can shit for you. I can shit on you. Yeah.

And he's like, fantastic. We eat a bunch of Jamaican food. It's very specific. Yeah. Well, maybe that's just what she wanted. But he was like, I want it spicy. I want to see it sting a little bit. She ate it. That was a lot of food. That was a gnarly dump she took. For sure. With a laxative too? Yeah. Because it could have just been her normal movement. Now it's going to be extra pushed out. Extra spices. Yeah.

Yeah, I would have gone, now if he wanted spicy, I might go Korean. I knew you would. Yeah. I knew you would. We've got to get you this guy's info.

Calbee. Yeah. Some kimchi. Kimchi's really what brings the brown down. And lots of garlic there, too. Ooh. Garlic dumps and parts. Is there a woman alive that wants this done to her, I wonder? Somewhere, yeah. But she's deeply, deeply troubled. She's not just functioning, going to a job. Could you imagine if you showed up on her doorstep and you're like, I got it. Hey. Yep.

Can you do a sketch like that if you do season two of Bad Thoughts? Can I be the woman that you shit on? Sure. It's too much. I always tell them we don't need props. My wife wants the real thing. I love the Bad Thoughts where you have diarrhea on your butt. It's so funny. Hell yeah. It's so good. I love taking dumps. I love that scene. Oh, shit. Here we go. No. No.

Yeah, I got it. Such a horny... These are horny clips for you today. Well, you don't like this guy? Nope. I think this is kind of your style. Kind of looks like me. No, no.

This is gay. This guy's gay. I don't think so. Gay! Don't see it. Not interested. Still gay. Still from Alabama. Like 33 and a half. Still have my land. Still have my pond. Still have my big deck. All to myself and nobody to share it with. I need somebody to share it with. Yeah, babe.

That's so interesting, though, the Southern gay. That's very rare. Well, it's not rare. They don't exist here. No, I'm just saying that to put that out there, you see a gay guy, whatever, LA, New York, it's just like, oh, just part of. But you don't think like, oh, yeah, Alabama. There's Alabama dudes like this guy. I know. And he's just like, what's up? It's lonely out here, man. Yeah, he's putting it out there. I got a lot of shit to fucking cool shit here, man.

Well, he wants a country boy like him. Yeah. He needs a good country boy who's going to ride, you know, go on the lake, fish, and butt fuck. That's what he wants. And Calvin Klein underwear. Oh, dude. He's an anomaly. The problem is he's a diamond in that community. Yeah. I would say, I would think this guy has no problem finding a guy. I know.

But maybe it's just environmentally, right? Like the neighborhood. He's in the wrong part of the world. But here's the thing. He's like, I don't want to fucking leave it. I love fishing. That's right. So he wants that hot guy to come to him. So you're basically, sir, you're going to have to get a lad from California or New York who's willing to relocate. This is his version of waving a hanky. He's like, hello, anybody out there?

Anybody out there? Y'all like to fish and shit? Get your dick sucked after you catch a big old fish? Hell yeah, dude. There's definitely guys for him. Yeah, but they don't look like him where he's from. I mean, he's very put together. He's jacked. Yeah. That's tough. It's a tall order.

When he's looking for her. Well, I'm glad, you know, I think this is a smart, this is like one of the great things of social media. Yeah. This guy can put that out there. I'm sure he's getting bombarded with messages at least. Because of us now? What part of Tennessee are we on now? Well, I'm saying even on his own, like, yeah, I don't know. Let's see. Let's help him out. Check this out. You've seen this? That was cool. What, Ennie?

You put that in there? Benny, did you see the thing? What the fuck was that? They're both wearing the best fishing hat. Oh, they are both. Maybe we found a love match. It might be a... Steel gate. Yeah. Yep, he found his match. He did. Steel gate. Is that man playing Minecraft in the background? That's crazy. You gotta take a break from Minecraft. This is why you don't play Minecraft. It's gay.

What is he doing exactly? What is he doing exactly? What is he doing? Push-ups. But he's just laying there. He's not, like, what's he doing? Danny, what's he doing? I don't understand what he's actually doing. He's fucking playing Minecraft, bro. There's... There's someone back there. Is there? Yeah.

Oh, like eating his ass out or something? I can't tell if you don't see, like, are you just fucking, what are you playing with me? No. Yes, there's someone back there. Oh, well, because it's so fast and I can't really see it. Yeah. Like, I don't see the other person.

Oh, yeah. Now I see it. Now I see it. Now I see it. Yep. I see it now. I see it. You got to play it a few more times. I'm not sure. Yeah. That was interesting. I didn't see it. I didn't see it. Now I see it.

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Like you can bring another bathing suit with you to the pool or the beach. The beach. The beach, yeah. Where there's sands. Sands. And then you can change into that nice dry one. Yeah. You don't have to sit and like be uncomfortable all day in the same weather. You just got that? Yeah. That's awesome. Hey, you know what you can do? You can even bring underwear and a change of clothing with you to the beach or the pool. A lot of people do that. I just started to. I just thought you had to suffer in your wet clothing all day.

Did you know you could do that, Eni? Oh, you don't swim. Yeah, see? I don't make that mistake. You don't swim ever? Ever? Like, not even in a pool? Nah. Like, at a house party with a pool, you wouldn't get in a little bit? I'll be in the house. Wow. Okay. Fine. Yep. Fine, dude. Keep your plug. Don't message me. Ain't no one messaging you, nigga.

Blacks, whites, Puerto Ricans Ain't nobody else I have to say that I was laughing so hard At Sinners Oh my god Please do the soulful singing again See You see why I'm tired of this shit It's cause y'all niggas like it too much Yeah

It's y'all name is like fucking ridiculous, bro. Anyone who likes that movie is a fucking racist and

And they just might not know it. They just might not know it. That might be what's going on. Now I have to watch it to test. You have to watch it now. You should go see it. And it's so annoying because you're going to think you're going to think you like Michael B. Jordan. You're like, as soon as he pops on screen, you're like, damn, you look kind of dope, though, like smoke and stack. That was like a cool. Yeah. Cool characters. Yeah, that was a cool character. I like how they dressed and shit. That was tight. I'm like, yo, I might be these things for Halloween. And then the rest of the movie play. I'm like, well, there goes that. I can't do that.

Can't do that again. Please watch the movie. God, I laughed so hard at that. It's the worst movie ever. Yes. Days I've been laughing at you. Unbelievable. I really enjoyed it. I didn't realize it was my deep, deep racism, but I liked it. Well, well, well. Yeah. Yeah. Real well, well, well moment. I was like, yeah, these blacks are doing it like I like. Oh my God. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. No.

Totally. They had the bitch bring her big old titties out. That was ridiculous. Wait, a black lady brought her titties out? The big old titties, man. Big titties. Big old titties. Let me tell you, the biggest titties I've ever seen. As big like bus driver tits. Black lady bus driver tits are the biggest. Bus driver plus, for sure. Is there a tab on Pornhub for that? No.

I don't think so. There should be. I mean, I'm sure there's big black tits, but I don't think it says. Will you look if there's like black lady bus driver tits? No, it doesn't say it like that. It's not going to be bus driver. It's just going to say big black tits. Yeah. You know what? I talk shit though, honestly. There's probably something. There's probably something. Some what? Oh yeah, porn's blocked here, so. Oh, use that VPN, sucka. Express VPN. Well, well, well.

But those aren't the tits you're talking about. Those are like normal tits. Just do big black tits. BBW tits. Yeah. Look at that shit, man. Yeah, those tits are huge. Crazy. I thought she was a cool character. I like that lady. She was cool. Yeah. But it was racist. There you go. Oh my God, look at that. Yeah. Great big black tits right there. Yeah. Top right. Holy shit. There's some huge black tits here. Holy shit. Bam.

Clock that shit. Listen, I wish I could make fun of them, but my tots were just that big before I had them removed, man. Yeah, you had some munch lady tits. I had some big black lady tits myself. I wish I could cast stones, my friend. I actually think you're really going to like this movie. I really do. You're going to like the way I look? I think you're going to like the way you look. Do you guarantee it? I guarantee it, yeah. I'm going to watch it.

Do I have to go to a theater? Well, it's got like... No, you can order it now. Is it now? Yeah, and it has like your favorite things. Vampires. It has vampires. It has white people subjugating black people into horrible conditions. I don't like that. Vampires. Vampires. So, Interview with the Vampire, the series on Netflix, I think... Mm-hmm.

It's gotten less gay. Remember I told you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They put the homosexuality front and center for that show. And I was like, all right. Enough. I get it. They're gay. They're gay. I thought about this, though. I thought about the vampire thing. Sure. But if Dracula's going to change and get into a vampire, doesn't he got to suck on the dude's neck? Yeah. So allow me to elaborate. I'm a sus.

So... It's always been homoerotic. Yes. It was always homoerotic. Like, the Anne Rice vampires were always... You knew they were homosexuals. However, it didn't go into, like, detail, and you didn't see them Frenching. What the fuck is that? That's the gayish... That's what I'm talking about. That's when he becomes a wumpier. And watch this. Watch this shit when they ascend into the air. Oh, man. The scene right after this, the two...

Two gay guys with their butts showing in the air. It wasn't like this in the books, you guys. So what you're saying, though, is that you always knew that this was the thing? You just never saw it? But you know what's interesting? They play it down in the first movie. They play it down generally. What is this from? This is the AMC one? Look who directed this.

Why, you want him for your next movie? No, it's just an interesting thing. Probably a gay guy or a woman. Yeah, you seem to be really into this gay shit. Oh, he's super gay. So... I don't know who that guy is. Wait, no, that's the movie. Oh, he did The Crying Game. Okay, this is my point. Yeah. A lot of times when you find out who the director is, you can see why certain decisions are made. That was the director for the movie. Oh. The creator of the show is Roland Jones. Okay. He is. I can't tell. I don't know who he is. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

On a Tuesday, hot outside. Look, that being said, it's a great series. The head vampires, the guy who plays Louis and Lestat, they're gorgeous. It's totally well done. Okay. It's great. But I was a little too like, all right. Is Roland gay? Homosexual. Come on. Un homosexual. I mean, it's usually like it's pretty...

you know this is how this works this is why it's true because you see the world through your gay lens um yeah that could be his ex-wife before you don't know we don't know i don't know dude could be the ep on the show it could be yeah it could be i know that's my point was just that like you or sometimes you find the person who's no i know what the fuck it is what i know what it is what

It's 2025. We can't make anybody trans. We can't make it too multicultural because we have one black vampire, one French vampire. So they added that gay stuff in to make it 2025. Do you know what I mean? When they shoehorn in the diversity and all this stuff? Maybe. That's what I'm thinking. But what you're saying is that it's always been gay. They just didn't show it before. No, no, no. Yes, but in the books...

It was like insinuated, you knew, but you didn't know kind of thing. They didn't French or anything. They just like intimated that these two were- Lovers. In love with one. It was romanticized. It wasn't like they butt pounded or French. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They never did in the books. Stroking his hog. No, it wasn't like that. There's blood in this thing too. Suck it. Yeah, it wasn't like that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Whatever. I don't want to talk about it. I'm sick of talking about this. Okay. I just remember, by the way, the most annoying part of Sinners, the dumbest scene ever was like everyone's favorite fucking moment, which is the music part. You remember that shit, Tom? Yeah. Yeah. When it went from like rap...

or fucking whatever blues to like rap to a DJ. It was like, what do niggas do? Hmm, let's see. African drums, let's throw that shit in there. The fucking music didn't even, it didn't blend right. The rhythm was off. And then they threw like Asian niggas randomly at the end because there was like an Asian couple that walked by. And they're like, what do Asians do? Come on. Oh, the gay Jamaica. Let's put that shit. It was like full that fucking, it was all just racist, bro. The whole scene was,

was just racist. It didn't sound good. Speaking of, speaking of Asian ends, Jackie Chan was so good in Karate Kid.

And I can't stop thinking about what a fantastic movie star that guy is. Yeah, he's fantastic. You know, he's on par with Tom Cruise in terms of being an amazing movie star. He made that film. He stole the show. He was great. He's so good. So talented. Love Jackie Chan. Have you seen Foreigner with him? No. Fire. Really? Fire. It's new. He's kind of older in it. Fire. He's great. Jackie Chan. Oh. Yeah.

Is he fighting people and shit in this? Yeah. Oh, nice. It's like Bourne, but like Chinese. Did you see the new, the spinoff for Wick? Did you see that one, the ballerina thing? What? I have not. Has anyone seen that? A spinoff? Yeah, yeah, this ballerina thing. This is like, it's the Wick world. Ooh, I like that. Yeah. Is it a Slavic queen? I have no idea. Dark Slavic beauty? You know I like that. From the world. Russians. Did you watch it? Oh, it's Ana de Armas. Kiosk. Kiosk? She's Spanish. Kiosk.

Spanish Cuban girl? They went your tribe. Did you watch it? I have not seen it. I have not seen it. That's cool. I'll do that. I'll do that. Yeah. Very cool. All right. Let's take a quick break. We'll be right back. Taking a break. Hope the master don't see me. She writes.

And we are back and joining us one of our all-time favorite guests. You can see him on tour by going to johnnypemberton.dog for tour dates. It's Johnny Pemberton, everybody. It's so good to see you. Great to be here. I haven't seen you in a while. It's been a minute. Yeah. We saw you at South By. We did, but that was like a whirlwind, I feel like. You know what I mean? It was so fast.

Yeah, it was. That was such an amazing movie. It's called Mermaid. It debuted here at South By in Austin. And then very recently, the news came that it was acquired, so it's going to be distributed next year. I know. Very exciting. It's really cool. We've known for a little while now, but it's...

It's just so cool to actually have it be like official. Yeah. Because that means it's like it's real. It's such a good movie. It really is. I love the movie. No, I love the movie. You're fantastic in it. I love it a lot. It's a fun movie. It's super cool. You know what's great about Mermaid 2 is that it's actually surprising. It's original. It's interesting. It's a great story. You haven't seen it before and you do a great job in it.

That's what movies are supposed to be. Yeah. I mean, isn't that funny that we're talking about things like that's what a movie for forever. That's what a movie was. Exactly. Now it's like, if you do anything slightly original, it's like, Oh my God. Yeah. People freak out. And this is like,

not the movie that a studio wants to make. You have to like really kick and scratch. And you know what I mean? Like, like, but I'm saying like, that's what you would want from your big studios. And they're like, we don't do that. Yeah. They won't. I mean, everything's in such flux right now. Shout out to Tyler, Tyler, Tyler Cornack. Yeah. He made it. You guys are working together now, right? Yeah. We're working on something together. Yeah. I'm very excited. Yeah. Good job. Yeah.

I saw that movie. I was like, hey, what's up? Yeah. I predicted that. Yeah. You did? Yeah. I did. Because I just, you know, you're savvy. You see sensibilities that people like? Yeah. I just feel like it's like it makes sense, you know? Yeah. You guys want to work together. Yeah. He's just so talented, you know? Yeah. He's like so incredibly, what he does is just, I mean, yeah, I can't believe it. Yeah. It's incredible. I thought so too. It was like, as soon as I saw that, I was like, I got to talk to this guy. Yeah. This is great. Yeah.

And you got him on the payroll. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was great, man. Mermaid's amazing, and I'm excited for Fallout.

Yeah, season two is going to be cool. Season two. It comes out, I think, in December. They don't know what date exactly yet, but it'll probably be right before Christmas so everybody can binge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fallout. Anyway, so aren't you also in the smash Netflix hit Bad Thoughts? Yes! Yeah! Yes. You're so good in that. So good. I mean, it's such a great show, man. It was a lot of fun. I spaced out my watching of it. Every episode, I...

successively watched, I was like, oh my fucking God. Yeah. I mean, God, the Steven Seagal one, man, it fucking kills me so much. Like I just was, I had to pause it. Yeah. I mean like, Oh really? That's awesome, man. Yeah. I was so thrilled. You know, it's very fun character. People like when this, when you write for a movie or a show, when it comes to, sometimes when you write, you, you write with someone in mind. Right. So I wrote this,

this story in particular with you in mind to play this. Yeah. That's why it was called Johnny. We switched the, we switched. that's right, you did, yeah. Yeah. I think, yeah, I think I asked for that. Yeah, you did. You're like, can we change the name? And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's better, always better to play a character than to be. Your name, yes. Yeah, I don't want to be me. No, I agree. I totally agree. And when you said that, I was like, oh yeah, absolutely. But, but we wrote it for you in mind and then you go, then you get to the casting process and they're like, well, who do you want? I'm like, well, I want Johnny. And then you have to have your, your backups because they're like, what if this person doesn't? And you're like,

All right, so you start making this list, but you're the bolded name at the top of the casting list. So I was just so thankful that you did it, man. Yeah, it was so much fun. I mean, just the haircut alone, I feel like, is something that's so... It's just so stupid.

Oh, yeah. So good. It's that hair, man. I just see the hair. I'm like, this guy. Look at that, man. It looks like somebody who just is flying coach and has a bag that's taped together. But he's super, I don't know. I feel like I could spend weeks as that guy. My favorite part, there's a lot in this particular story that I love, but my favorite thing in it that makes me laugh every time is something like you can't,

you don't teach like someone just does it or not is when the other guy played by chase um is giving the speech and he's like he's right is you just going like like you do this like nod smile like that's it that's what that's what i was saying and it's so it's real it's subtle but you're like it's like you're you're relieved and you're like that's it like you're basically saying that's it right yeah it's really great don't remember that but it's really funny yeah it's really funny

Yeah, it's a great show. It's, yeah, all this cool stuff. Well, and of course, our household's favorite pickle and peanut. Right. Still the biggest. Got to bring it back. Yeah, the boys have a different opinion on what your best work is. And it's definitely pickling.

I think it's my best work. I don't even think it's like, well, I mean, I don't think it's my best work so much as it is the best work that I happen to be in. You know what I mean? I used to get high and watch that show. I would forget that I'm in it because I just had so much fun watching it. Yeah. Because those guys who created that are just so, oh, so ahead of their time. You know what we still do in the house? We just did a friendship tunnel, friendship tunnel, friendship tunnel.

And they get, they go head to head. It's kind of weird. It's kind of weird. Friendship tunnel. It's kind of like a thing where. It's great. Disney was like, hey. We bought this? Yeah.

But you know what's great, though, is that in a sea of bullshit, like in a sea of Coco Melons and Miss Rachel's and just these banal, boring cartoons, there's a little pickle and peanut. There's something weird out there for your kids. You want them to grow up a little weird. I think so. We had the Muppet Show, which was just Jim Henson getting high and creating puppets, and that was fucking amazing. It was awesome. The Great Space Coaster, like all these weird shows. And I'm glad that that exists. Yeah, I mean, it's definitely not for kids.

children, right? Not for like babies. I don't think it is. Cocomelon's for babies, right? That sucks. Yeah, I think so. It's also like, doesn't it hijack their brains? Can I show my babies pickle and peanut? You do? I would show my babies that. Well, that's more like a... You're a cutie pie. Alright. There's like, there's videos when your kid's real young where it's just like you have to sit there and watch the video and it's just a lady going, you're a cutie pie. Alright. It's just so basic. And the kid's like...

The kids drooling. Yeah. It is crazy to see how they lock in. Sometimes it just feels like, oh, this can't be that great. No. Because of why they're just sort of, like they're jacked in.

But that's why it's good when it's creative and actually funny. And you're like, okay, that's good comedy vibes going in your brain. By the way, do you know that both of our boys are like, they're like, I don't like stuff that's for chicks. I know. And they're so young. I wonder why. I think I was that way as a kid. Really? Yeah. Yeah. Like super, you don't want to have anything to do with girls. Yeah, yeah. Oh. Dude. Pink? Absolutely not. The best is. Never pink. At dinner sometimes I go, so you have a girlfriend? Oh.

And my older one will go, no. Girlfriend? I'm nine. I'm like, okay. And he just kind of gets over it. And then I turn to the sixth rule. I go, do you have a girlfriend? He goes, fuck you. Oh, he's the one who's like really spicy, right? Oh, yeah. He's the one who says stuff out of nowhere. Yeah. So...

I did it the other day to him again. I go, are you dating someone yet? He goes, stop fucking saying that shit. What do you say to that, though, when he says that? I go, hey, hey, hey, calm down. He goes, why would I have a girlfriend? It's fucking ridiculous. But the cursing, do you just have to not acknowledge it? Johnny, listen. Who did he get it from? The problem is... It's you, right? Yeah. I can't stop... You're a clean comic. I know that. I can't stop cursing, and...

I mean, listen, they pick up stuff. Yeah. But we try to sensitize our children, right? Like, don't call people names. The interesting thing, though. And they still come home with knowing stuff that we did not teach. The older one doesn't curse even a fraction as much as the younger one. The six-year-old's a cursing machine. That's kind of cool. That's like a Pete's Pete sort of thing. It is. It is kind of cool. He'll be like, he's saying MF and all this stuff. He's saying MF.

Yeah, he says that, yeah. But they don't curse at school, so I know that he knows the line. He's not at school being like, motherfucker, fuck you. That's smart, though. Yeah, he knows. He knows at home. He's doing it to get a rise out of us at home. Yeah.

gifted and talented you ignore a lot of it you have to ignore a lot of it he's ignoring you or you laugh because this morning we were like good morning juju and he's like shut the fuck up i want to fucking sleep you're like do you laugh at this oh yes i mean i would be laughing so much yes we laugh so hard i want to sometimes he gets mad he gets real yeah if you laugh too hard because but he gets mad as you laugh yeah yeah yeah sometimes he's serious yeah

Is this like an advanced being you have? It feels like you have like an old man. He does this thing where he's like, he comes in, he goes, hey, he goes, I'm sick of this fucking shit. This fucking shit is making me fucking crazy. And I start to laugh. What's he talking about? Like a push pop or something like that? He goes, why are you fucking laughing, man? And then his face is like this. And I start to laugh. And then he'll kind of be like...

What? And I go, why are you so fired up, man? He goes, because my fucking brother is doing this shit and he's fucking with me. Go fucking punish him. Okay, okay. Calm down, man. Oh my God. Just calm down. It's funny how that's probably funnier than any comedian. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's like, well, sorry. I don't know. My niece is super funny. She's only two years old, but she does stuff. I'm like,

This is like, she's literally doing a bit right now. Yeah. It's good. It's a good one. They learn bits. They do. Or they don't know. Oh, no, no. Ellis knows now what's funny to us. And so he'll come in and he'll be like, we're at the dinner table. I'll be like, why did you do that? And he's like, what can I say except that I'm gay? Yeah, he likes that one. That's a t-shirt. What can I say except that I'm gay? But we can change to, what can I say except your dad's gay? They started that one, by the way. Oh, cool.

cool. Last night at dinner, it was dad's gay. Just out of nowhere? Just out of nowhere. It's like, what can I say? Dad's gay. I'm like, okay. But I like that these things sustain even though we try to beat them out of it. It's never going to happen. When they're in their teens,

it's going to be, they're going to just destroy you. I know. They're going to come in there like this high five and, and just be like berating you in ways that you didn't know existed. It seemed like a prison gang or something like that. It is going to be like that. But I also feel like that instinct inside of us will be like that one day that I'll go back so hard on them as it, as is like what's inside of me, you know, like in all the years of,

doing it and then they're going to be like hey what the fuck man i'll be like well don't fuck with me dude i'll fucking rip you apart like yeah you gotta teach them how will you start laughing then like that thing where it's like you see yeah yeah if they're gonna do it and then you start laughing and everyone's like oh shit okay i'm just kidding i'm just kidding like what you got yeah and they're like that was really harsh man like that yeah yeah

Yeah. I taught them how to do your mother too. What do you mean? If some kid insults them at school, like, Oh, your mother's stupid. Like, well, your mother's hair is stupid. What do you think of that? I'll get in trouble from that. I'm like, not really. It's not dirty. You know, it's not your mother's pussy or something. Right. You really want to get, but if some kid fucks with your kid, you want to teach them how to fight back, you know, verbally, at least it's not physically. I think my aunt taught me something like that years ago. She told me to say, they call someone ugly or something like that. It's like, at least I'm not ugly.

I mean, you say it to someone's face, and I'm like, that's really fucking mean. Yeah. Yeah. To call someone ugly? Especially, like, little kids. Yeah. That breaks them down. Yeah, that's a good one. I'll tell my kids that. That's good. That's good. Yeah, at least I'm not ugly. Because I was, my argument to her was, I should say, well, at least I'm not ugly like you. And she's like, no, they'll know. They'll know. Ah.

Well, she taught them to bark at cyclists. Yeah, they bark at people on bikes. But that's a your joke, right? Isn't it? No, no, no. Oh, I thought it was like one of your jokes or something. No. Just to bark like a dog. Yeah, yeah. So they roll down the window and there's like, there's someone on a bike. And then they go, and they bark. And then if someone's standing on the corner smoking, they go, look at this fucking moron. Wow. Yeah.

Well, I want to train them that riding your bikes in the street is stupid and smoking is bad. And that's how you do it. You go, this guy's an idiot. This guy's a dummy. What if you see a guy who's smoking on a bike? Well, then that's a double whammy. Yeah. You fucking idiot.

That's kind of cool though. You never see that anymore. Apparently there's a couple, not even apparently, it really is. There's a couple of ultra marathoners right now that openly smoke. Really? Yes. Guys that do a hundred miles. That actually makes me feel good because I will have a cigarette once in a while, maybe once a week or sometimes less or more. Even if I'm golfing, I'll have a cigarette. Because my friend who had golf, he smokes a lot. But it's like,

I don't feel like it's hurting me. No. Once every once in a while. I don't know, you know? But to hear that, though, that's like inspiring. Yeah. How do you two just one? Because I had to quit all of it when I was 30, but I love cigarettes. I just have a thing. I can't get addicted. I just can't. Oh, you're lucky. Look at this psycho. Nice. But that's different. Chain smoking. Oh, he's chain smoking. No, no, but there's a...

I'm telling you, there's a guy who's a photographer. He's a photographer and ultra runner and he smokes. Smokes like he's a smoker? He's a smoker. That's awesome. See, that to me doesn't make any sense. That's crazy. That seems like you're just waiting to, you're trying to say, how can I die? Yeah. You know, there's some guy who was like an adventuring dude who,

I don't know, one of those mega guys who breaks records and stuff. He was snowshoeing across Antarctica. And he kept trying to do... He kept upping the level he would do, like how much he'd be by himself. All this... Just the metrics kept increasing. And eventually, one day...

He died. And I feel like the whole thing was he was just seeing what it would take to kill him. To kill him, yeah. Because at one point, I think he was eating these protein bars, right? But they were frozen. And he chipped a tooth while eating it. And somehow it perforated his bowel. He had to get flown to Chile from a bowel perforation, from being malnourished. All this stuff. He's in the hospital. But he's super happy because...

He found a limit. He found the limit. Yeah. But also then he did die. Yeah. Cool. But it's definitely, it was definitely a case where the guy was like,

He's trying to see what will it take to kill me. Yeah. That's a certain segment of the population, though. There's a segment that wants to know how far they can push it. Like those cave divers that you hate so much. Oh, my God. Those guys are fucking insane. They hate themselves. Them and the... Oh, my God. What's it called? The parkour people? Oh, fuck off. The ones that do it on high rises? Fuck yeah. They'll do a flip on a high rise and you're like...

just they're just waiting to die or the wingsuit guys yeah those wingsuit but those wingsuit guys they all know they're like yes i will die doing this yeah yeah like i can't wait to die doing this it's so fun they kind of got a point yeah like if i could 200 miles an hour yeah god i would be like yeah this would be a great way to go yeah like what a great way you won't just coast down and land gently well they do for a while

And if you make a mistake or some sort of weird air pattern hits you. But here's the thing. Some of them, they get tired of like the, or bored by, oh, here's open, this is open terrain. So then they start going, I'm going to fly between buildings. Yeah. Or is the guy that did it like between the, like the pillars on a bridge? Yeah.

He was going like 200, he went like right through them on one of those wingsuits. - Splat. - No, he made it. - Oh, he did, okay. - But I'm saying that's how you die, right? If he miscalculated that, it's immediate death. - There's a lot of opportunities to die. - There's a lot of ways to die. - Free climbing, like those idiots without-- - The free climbing thing, man, that's just insane. - I gotta show you, 'cause you missed our first one today. I gotta show it to you. - Oh boy. - If you don't have a picture in your profile,

then don't even bother mentioning me. If you're black, don't even mention me. If you're overweight or slightly overweight, don't even bother mentioning me. If you have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband, don't even bother mentioning me. If you have a kid or kids, even if they don't live with you, don't even bother mentioning me either. Other than that,

Other than that, we're good. Other than that, if you want to come in my house and have a sandwich with what I have to give you, you better not have big shoes. I don't want to have a girl with little feet that you give in here.

If you want it, you better not have glasses or have problems with your hearing. You can't wear a couple of these right now. I want to make you dinner, but if you want to be fatty, you can't wear a couple of these. The standards that he has are just unbelievable, right? Yeah. You got to be thin. You can't be black. Thin. Yeah, I love that he's just like right away.

No blacks. Just racist out of the gate. Out of the gate. It was after profile photos, so it settles you in. You're like, oh, no photo. I get it. He's like, black, problem. Just immediately. Overweight or slightly overweight. You can't be both. You can have one thing, but you can't have it all. You can't have it all. Well, look at him. He has it all. Does this guy have more stuff? I don't know. If you're black, don't...

He can't even speak! His name is Kevin Curtis White. Do you think he has maybe like, um... I think maybe he's copying someone? I feel like he's not... Oh, interesting. It seems like maybe it's not his idea. He didn't originate the plan. This is a really interesting... I didn't see this... Oh. Okay. Tester... Tester Meshter? What's going on in that second video? That one. Hello. What are you here looking for? What are you looking for on here? Okay. Okay.

All right. That's cool. There's a possibility this isn't real, right? I don't know. I don't know. Here's the description I got that the... Any single female in the Morris County... Read it as him, would you? Any single female in the Morris County, Georgia, want to hang, don't be shy of making me...

Oh, that's nice. Oh, hold on. Maybe he's, wow, I just thrown off by that. No.

I don't know black. Threw black in there again. But not just the way he says it. No black. No black. Yeah. No overweight. No black. Or slightly overweight. No black. No black. Yeah. Jesus Christ. No black. He says like an Indian guy. He likes to go to the movies. He works at ShopRite, which is a supermarket chain in New Jersey. He actually posts his phone number. Well, someone's got to call. Are we calling? I want to just say hi.

He has deleted the comments. He really does not like black women, but disabled is fine. So yeah, that is... You can be severely disabled, just not black. I feel like this is a guy who works with a guy who's slightly more... This guy's 80s. He works with a guy who's like 90s in IQ. And that guy is like...

All like, hey, oh, yeah. He's all like this. I tell you what I don't like. I don't like this. I don't like that. If you want to date me, you cannot be one of these things. And he's like, I want to be like Jim. You know what I mean? Yeah, 100%. I want to be like Jim. I want to do that like Jim. Yeah.

Yeah, Jim's got it together in his head. Yeah, and even though Jim is like, you can do magic tricks on Jim. Yeah, yeah. You can test out, like, do finger tricks. He's like, oh, what the hell? Jim just doesn't have a speech impediment. Yeah, exactly. He's like, fucking black broads, no thanks. And he's like, got it, no black, no black. Yeah, it's definitely the copying thing. Like, I want to be cool like Jim Jason. Oof. Do we call him? I don't think it would go well.

I just saw your ad. Yeah, but if you're like, I'm black. If you call him and say, just be real sweet, you know, hey, I want to meet you. Hi. Hi, is this? Kevin. Hi, is this Kevin? Oh my God, I saw your ad. Can you call him real quick? Here we go. Let's see.

The wireless customer you are calling is not available. Please try again later. Of course, of course. No voicemail? No, we'll move on. Mastarde. Mastarde. Bummer, man. Such a bummer. Mastarde. Mastarde. It's like fishing. You just got to keep going. Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. I got some stuff to show you. Yeah. Oh, for me? Yeah, for everybody. For moi? Here we go.

This was the... This New York City? This is in Brooklyn, I think, yeah. Oh my fucking God. Mistakes, mistakes. There's people up there. It is crashing.

Yeah, I know. I love when people state the obvious. Holy shit. That had to be on purpose. Did you see the person just fall all the way down? That was like a month ago. Yeah, I remember this happened. Was it a boat from Mexico? Is that what it was? What's that flag? Yeah, Mexican Navy training. Whoa. Mexican Navy training? That's what it said. What kind of training is that? Training to do a reenactment or something like that? Collide with the Brooklyn Bridge Resort.

There's only two deaths, injuries, at least 19 others. The ship, which had been open to the public for four days, was in the process of leaving its pier when the incident occurred. Hit more, show more. Damn. Oh, no. Collided with a... How do you say that? What is it? Kwa-he-te-mok? Kwa-he-te-mok? Kwa-he-te-mok.

No, wait. Quatimoc. Yeah. I have to pee so hard. I'm so sorry. Pardon me. I'll be right back. No problem. Don't say anything, okay? Okay. Oh, okay. Just sit here quietly? Sit here quietly. Go to the contributing factors. I think it was the bridge was the main factor. I think that was the contributing factor. That was. The ship was backing out of its pier with the help of a tugboat when it began to accelerate and drift north, possibly due to the combination of wind and current. Okay. And the bridge.

That was the other huge factor. I think the bridge being lower than the height of the boat was probably the main thing. Yep. That'd be great if the report comes out. Turns out the bridge is too low for this boat, and that's what the problem was. Also, I bet it's a thing where they don't know how to sail those because it's such an old boat. You know what I mean? People don't know how to sail. Do you know how to sail? No.

I don't even know how to sail. I have sailed. Yeah. But I don't feel like I couldn't sail a boat, though. No, I couldn't either. I've been on a few. I mean, that's so complicated. And I feel like every time the people who know what they're doing start doing it, I go, yeah, I'll just sit over here. Yeah. It's so cool, though. It is cool. I mean, that's the best thing there is. Sailing? Yeah, if I could, that's what I would do. I would just disappear. How long do you think it would take to actually learn how to do it well? Huh?

Oh, I think years. Really? Especially to have like the knowledge, you know, you don't die. Don't die is a big thing. You can deal with like situations that are. There's that guy. I was following him for a while. I just kind of forgot about him. I think he started it on TikTok where he was sailing. Solo sail? Was it solo sail? Yeah, I saw that guy. Yeah, he was going first to Hawaii maybe. I don't know if it was like around the globe. There's a couple guys. There's a guy I talked to years ago named Sam and he's a sailor. There's a lot of these guys who do solo sailing.

But this guy, this one, this guy with the tick tock was like, I think it was like his first time. Right. Like, oh, yeah, he just learned to just was like, oh, yeah. Which seems insane to me. Twenty four hundred mile sailing voyage from Oregon to Hawaii. Yeah. With his cat. He quit his job, used his retirement savings to fund the trip.

documenting it on social media. Lasted 25. It was his first time sailing outside of a river. Wow. Is he dead? No, I don't think so. Because I follow him on the talk. Yeah. Yeah.

But he probably made a bunch of money from this, I bet. You think so? Yeah. You know, but it got like a lot of, because he's filming so much of it. He's probably got some endorsements or something like that. I hope so. Or maybe he has a Patreon or something like that. Yeah. People are donating to his cause. That's very cool though. I hope so. That's really cool. Do you think the cat likes being on a tiny boat? I think cats do like boats. They love water. Cats love to swim.

Cats do? Yeah, you didn't know that? No. Duh. Cats are always like that. I heard they'd hate water. No. Oh. No, they're sea cats. Sea cats. Yeah, they love it out there. Sea cats. Like a sea dew? Exactly. And you can ride them the same way. That's really cool. A giant sea cat. Yeah, I didn't know that. Learn something every day. Here you go. Made me burp. Damn, yo!

This is terrible. Did she just walk away? Yeah. That's so nuts. And this person just got so lucky that they were up enough high on the hood. Yeah. Because if they had been lower down, they would have just felt the impact. That is so crazy. Wait, is that what happened? Yeah, they're like... See? Oh, yeah, she's very lucky. Yeah. Damn! Fine. Wow. Okay. Is this a Honda commercial? No.

Yeah, you're definitely going to jail. It's a dollar tree. They ran into a dollar tree. Yeah, you're going to jail for sure. I mean, maybe. Maybe, yeah. They might get away. Could, yeah. That car's fine. Yeah. I mean, not fine, but working. It's running still. Jesus. Can't bust it. There's Tanner. Oh! Shit. Shit.

Oh, no. Fuck off. Why are you showing this? Is that you, Tanner? I thought that was me for a second. That looks just like him. I didn't know that was there. This is terrible. This is like... That's like fucking Budapest got talent. Yeah, that's Eastern Europe for sure. What's that, Miami quarterback?

This is like Tua with the helmet off. You know what I mean? Fuck, yeah. That was bad. Tua, the Dolphins quarterback. How did he land it on his face or something? Oh, yes, Nicky. Yes, Nick. Yeah, this is literally hungry. It's hungry. Polack talent. I don't know.

No problem. He is fine. That sucks. Thanks for sharing. That was great. This will get you feeling better. Today was such a confidence boost for me. I'm so nervous to wear my pouch leggings outside of the house. And today I wore them on Camelback Mountain hiking. I passed two groups of people and they actually complimented me. Pouch leggings for the win.

Is there a link in the bio? Can we get these pouch leggings? I wouldn't mind some of those. I was going to say, this feels like something I could see you doing. Yeah. If they make a no bull version. No bull. No bull. Oh, wow. No bull, dude. No bull. Uh-uh. Dude, take it out on a hike. That'd be great. Yeah. I mean, it kind of would be fun if you...

I don't know. He met two groups of people that complimented him. I mean, were they gay guy groups? Because women are not going to... Say, hey, nice pouch. No woman. They're not? Why not? Don't women like penises? They love penises? I last saw her. Women like penises. Ha ha ha!

Yeah, why wouldn't women tell him? Great job. Why wouldn't they say that to you? If you're a strong woman, I think you like a penis. That's true. There's certain types. Maybe some gals would like. So you're telling me that's not sort of sexy? That's sort of weird and kind of like, what's going on here? I'm scared of this guy because he's basically naked, but he's the worst part of naked with the... Like somehow you combine the worst part of naked with the worst part of clothing. Yeah. Right? That's so true. There's nothing worse than a legging, especially on a man. And then a penis pouch? Yeah.

A penis pouch. Please buy this and wear this on Runyon Canyon and make a video of you terrifying girls. Terrifying? 20-year-old girls. Hi, ladies. Hi, ladies. God, I get in trouble. Tip of the cap? Oh, you have to have a fedora on, too. And stop and go like, oh, my ladies, please pass by. I don't know if you noticed my pouch leggings. Please don't notice I'm at three-quarters mass right now. Please don't mind me.

You're taking me from half to three quarters. There you go. Men's thermal underwear pants, thermal bottoms, long john bottoms with separate pouch. Now let me ask you guys honestly. Do you wish you could separate out your junk from the rest of you? Because it does get sweaty and sticky. Would this not help that problem? Like separate it, like detach it?

No, like this. Always have a pouch. All pants have pouches. Would that be a nice thing? Right. Yeah. I bet this is more uncomfortable. To separate your stuff from your stuff. Yeah, I bet it feels really weird. Unless you like it. I don't think it's... I bet it feels so weird that you would be like... Every step... You know if you have shoes that are too tight, every step is like... Yeah, yeah. You're thinking about it. Can you clip on the other images? Because look how they're... The poses. Yeah.

So they have other. Oh, yeah. Wow. A lot of room for activities. No rolling down. So many activities. To the right. Yeah. Special crotch design. What? Are there different colors at least? Because the black is like, you know, it's so you can't see the penis. I'm going to get a pair. Please do. Yeah. Pouch wear. Pouch wear. Maybe I'll start a pouch wear line. That's a great idea. Just pouch stuff.

What if it also has a pouch in the back so you can shit in them and it just... You can shit in the pouch and it fills it so it separates the shit from the rest of the thing so you don't have to take your pants off. You just keep walking. Keep walking, yeah. And then does the pouch open so you can...

leave it um it has option yeah you can't if you want if you want to evacuate and go you can or you can you can vac and stack back and stack yeah back and stack back and stash yeah the shit stash that's fucking that's a great idea that is really good i have always wanted that or you could contain it in a bag like the diaper genie like you shit into the bag and you just kind of

Keep it there for later. I don't know. Until you're ready to dump the bag. I used to think that was for real when I was a kid. Like that's how astronauts did it.

So I was like, if you're in a space suit, what if you have to go to the bathroom? There's probably a special thing that takes your shit. Yeah, isn't there? How do they dump out there? They just don't shit. What? No. If you're in a space suit? Oh, while you have it on. I'm saying when you're on the space station, they have to have like... They have a special bathroom, but it's not like that special. You know what I mean? No, what do you mean? You're not like shooting into a special machine. It's just like a...

Honestly, you know what? I don't know. Is it like a funnel? Let's do toilets on the space station. I thought I knew, but I don't realize. It's been so long since I've seen it, I don't remember. Is it like when you go to the dentist and you spit into that? See, I don't think it is that. That funnel? That's what it would be. See, that's not that special. Right, but what does it say? You're right, it's not. It does look like a toilet, but like... It says...

is equipped with specially designed toilets to accommodate the unique conditions of space. These toilets use a vacuum system to collect waste, preventing it from floating around. The system uses a fan-driven suction to pull urine and feces away from the body into the collection containers. But it's got to be just right. And then do you get to shoot it out into space? Oh, I hope so. Because that would suck to bring it back. I bet they'd bring it back. Oh, it is burned up in Earth. Oh, wait.

It's collected in bags and eventually burned up in Earth's atmosphere when the cargo ship returns to Earth. Sure. Yeah, I bet it does. And I bet you got to have a turd on deck when you sit down. Like, there's no leisure. Well, what if you don't have a turd? What if you don't have... What if you're loose? It's not like, get your magazines and just...

Start reading. Like those people that were just trapped in space for months and months and months. Yeah. Like they, maybe they could take leisurely dumps cause they weren't working anymore. Like this lady. Prepare for my Dom session with me. So the prep for this session starts the night before because this man likes to be on. If you are new here, yes, we do this every single month. LOL. We,

Oh, wow. God.

And then I make a f***ing bag. Always a bag. Since y'all were saying that I was capping in the last video, I decided to provide the receipts. So there's the deposit, the food receipt, the food return, and the remainder of the bag. Yeah, obviously she can't have possibly falsified this. That's all proof. That's all proof that it happened. 100%. I want to make a video that says like,

All right, it's time again. It's time when I go and shit on this guy for 500 bucks. Dude, do that video. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. It's like, you guys didn't believe me. You thought I was capping, but here we go. Here we go. Look, this is money. Yep. How could I have got this money other than shitting on a man? Here's receipts. These are receipts. Also, when you pay somebody, it's all in like 20, 20, 20, 20, and then I don't know. I don't pay people. There's literally... No. I mean, it's like...

But also, too, as somebody that's taken laxatives for like colonoscopy or whatever. Oh, you've got. I just got one last week. Oh, but it takes more than an hour. Like she drank that laxative. And then an hour later, I shit. I'm like, not really. Unless you're taking like the high powered colonoscopy. She's a professional. You know what this lady needs to hear? She needs to hear from this fucking guy. Stop being afraid to tell a bitch no. No. Fuck no. I ain't having it. Jesus Christ.

Is this the marathon runner who smokes? He's got some intense shades on, yeah? Yeah, he always got his pretty cool shades on. Shades. He's got some... I hate when his tits... Is he doing that on purpose? Yes. I think so. Of course he's... Do you do that when you talk? I don't know. Oh, I'm trying to...

That shade line is very clear, right? That's what I'm talking about.

No, you don't flex that much when you talk. It's crazy. DLs. PGD? Yeah.

There you go. Yeah, he was at the parties. Yeah. He knows about those parties. Yeah, he's one of the few people who's out there being like, come on, man, let him go. Let Diddy go. Diddy did it. Oh, is this the guy I was looking for? I think so. Yeah. Is this guy South African? I just feel like he's South African. He's got to be.

I know. He's from Colorado. He's a smoker? He's a smoker and a photographer. Look at that chest though. He's got that ultra marathon runner chest. Super wide. That's like a future human. Like a Martian.

Incredible man. No, it's just genetics. Pit images. Oh, it's definitely that. It's, my oncologist was telling me like there are people who have lung cancer, didn't smoke a day in their lives and then people like that smoke forever. Fine. Fine. Running ultra marathons. Yeah. It's incredible. Yeah. Um, here's some of your faves for Johnny right here. This is my uncle Steve with his pet.

That's a cougar, right? Yeah. Listen to that thing. Jesus Christ. It's a blot. It's a blot? Portuguese? Blot. Blot. No. Wow.

No, that's fucking insane. I mean, he had to have raised that from a tiny thing. Maybe it's sedated. No, I think it just knows him. Yeah. He's super comfortable with it. Oh, thanks.

Those things are cool, though. They are beautiful. I do want to die by a puma at some point. That's a way. I'd rather do that than extreme sporting of any kind. Yeah. Like petting a puma. Sleeping with one, and then you wake up, or it wakes up in the middle of the night forgetting where it is, and then it sees you and kills you. Yeah. It'd be a fun way to go. It'd be fast. It'd be real fast. Because they go right through the throat. Oh, yeah. Those things are killer. If it's in your sleep, you're like, great. That's how I want to die, in my sleep. It's an awesome dream to go out on.

But real talk, if I get like so sick again and this time it's like stage four cancer, like just get me a pet puma. Done. Clip this. Pet puma, please. Just let it run through the house. You know, semi-dried tomato is. They've been concentrated enough that they are bitter and sweet at the same time. They have big flavor and easy chew and you don't have to do anything to them.

You don't have to do anything to them. You don't have to reconstitute them, worry about their salt content or anything like that. Okay. This is Rachel Ray, right? Yeah. Yeah. So Rachel Ray, I mean, it's all over the talk. It's just something's going on here. And this is, she looks better. She actually has makeup on and she looks a little. But something's going on. And I'm like, what is it? What do you think's happening here? Because there's not the same person that it was. Semi-dried tomatoes. That's what's going on.

Easy chew. What? Easy chew? Like what? Is this for little people? I think so. She's definitely got something in her mouth. Yeah. Right? I do too. She's probably chewing on a little fen. A little fen puck? Oh, there's more of her. Yeah. And I lived in New York as a very young woman. What is happening? I was very, very poor. And I didn't want to bother my mother. I didn't want her to feel scared for me.

Look how cute she was. This is making me uncomfortable. Can I go to the next one? Yeah. Is it sickness? Wow.

Hi, babies. This is Julie. Follow me. Oh, she's got her di-di on. This is why I want to live alone. Is this her or is this she's like servicing the people who want this? I don't know. She's got her di-di on, though. How do you feel about adult diaper play? I mean, I don't like it. Yeah. I don't want to do it. But I mean, I don't know.

It's probably better than buying a gun. It's true. Yeah. Better than buying like a gun and using it. Yeah. Yeah. In public. If those are your two options. It seems like that might be the two options. Yeah. You have to either like. It'd be fun if the end of this video, she's like, and I chose this over gun. Over shooting up a place that people I don't know are at. Yeah.

So now I wear my daidai to the movies. I did not dig up my mother and kill her again. Now I do diaper. Instead of killing my father's remaining friends, I am doing diaper. I make a poo-poo in my daidai. I make a poo-poo. It feels good. Oh my God, why are you wearing a mask? It's 2025. Oh boy. We're in a pandemic. We are not in a pandemic. What is that? Are you laughing at me?

No, I'm coughing. Sorry. I'm sick. Well. Good one. Hard, hard life. What are you thinking? I always think that those people are just, you know, it's like you found something. Found something to be about. Yeah. And it's got to be hard to be that person. And you need to be about something. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, either you're an obese Disney adult trying to fit into rides or you're like the mask person that's like, COVID's not over. I have an identity. Get into Legos. Oh, yeah. Legos are good. Awesome. They're expensive. They are awesome. And you can build massively impressive things as an adult. You can make your own. You can chart your own course. Yeah. Do you remember that on the menu of Red Lobster? Yeah.

Oh, chart your own course? I've been like, one of the hardest I've ever laughed in my entire life. This is like forever ago with my family. My parents did not want to go to Red Lobster. My dad does not like shit like that at all. And we were like, we saw the commercials. Can we please go to Red Lobster? And my dad and my mom took us to Red Lobster. My dad's like fucking hating it, right? Just hating it. We're in Red Lobster and it's...

My brother gets the menu. He's probably like 12 years old. He's looking at this section. He goes, excuse me, I like this order from the section of a chart your own course. Like that's the subheading is chart your own course.

Oh my God. Just that, like, that, like, right. That style of writing, you know, like, uh, uh, big time shareables or, uh, uh, uh, hand grabbables. Not like shit. You're just like, ah, just fucking kill me.

surrounded by grease everything is so covered in butter like you can't even walk because the tiles are slick with butter and you're underground like in some like Minnesota like subway it was like an underground and your dad's just like let's get the fuck out of here I like to chart my own course

What was their Cheesy bread Cheddar bay biscuits Those are famous Cheddar bay biscuits It's the classic It's that cheddar from Boston That back home cheddar Do they still have a red lobster

That shit was good. There's a few. I think that Red Lobster got tanked by private equity. Yeah. I think there's a few around, right? There's a few, yeah. All those 90s restaurants really were great. Claim Jumper. You got your Sizzler, your Chili's, your Applebee's, your, well, yeah, Steak and All You Can Eat Shrimp at Sizzler. Oh my God, my dad. What did he love? Friday's.

Friday's. Friday's is good. They got the steak and shrimp. Jack Daniel's steak and shrimp. The Jack. I remember liking the Jack Daniel's. Great deal. You know, $27. Oh my God. It's so funny. But that was so good. Yeah. It was reasonably priced and it was a big night out. Where do you want to go, buddy? Friday's Chili's. Friday's. Yeah.

Chili's. We would never get to go to those places. Applebee's. Applebee's was the big one where I grew up. Yeah, Applebee's. Applebee's was new. It was in its own building on the side of the mall. It was always packed. It was packed like you'd be lucky to get to Applebee's.

You'd be lucky. You have to know somebody. I got to connect at Applebee's. You have to fucking know somebody to get in at Applebee's. Hey, you dialed in at Applebee's? I know a guy. I work with him at the club. Yeah. At the club. I know this guy. I can make a call. Not Saturday. Get the fuck out of here. I'll get you in on a Tuesday. Remember Black Angus or Outback Steakhouse? Outback Steakhouse. When you would go to do the Brea improv from LA all the way to Brea on the 60 East on

there was a black Angus and for years the G was unlit so every time black Angus no G yeah the G was gone black no way yeah it was awesome always always from the highway you could see black Angus yeah that's what you saw for years first time I saw it I was like oh yeah it'll be black Angus yeah

They're going to fix it. Nope. Black anus. No blacks, though. There's probably someone who works there. No blacks. Don't buy a message me. Don't. If you're slightly overweight, if you have a husband or boyfriend. On black anus. You're enunciating way too much. If you have kids, even if they don't live with you, don't marry me. Don't marry me.

Oh, it says overweight people publicly weighed and ordered to slim down in Turkey, which I think is wonderful. Yeah, that sounds like a really cool government. I love it. Shout out to the Turks. This is what we need to be doing in America. There you go, man. There's a lot of things we got to be doing. That's one of them. Definitely. That would be fun to watch that pan out. Yeah, that'll pan out real well in the U.S. of A. The entire state of Mississippi. It's like, well, you guys are just all under house arrest. Yeah, for sure.

for years. Yeah. All right. We got to wrap though. We got to, I got to go. I got an appointment. Uh, go see Johnny Pemberton on tour. It's johnnypemberton.dog for dates. Uh, he's coming back to play Thaddeus, uh, in fallout. Yes. Fantastic movie. Uh, when, as soon as you can see mermaid, go see it. And of course he's in bad thoughts, which is streaming on Netflix right now. Uh,

Always great to see you, man. Always. Always a pleasure. Thank you for coming. All right. Bye, guys. Bye. Bye.

Because I'm monopolizing her vagina. Right? Mixed with piss. Mixed with fucking teenage pussy juice. Alright, let's give it a whiff. Erection achieved. Erection. Erection achieved. Erection fucking achieved. Giving me a boner right now. This is giving me a boner right now. Oh, that is pungent. Can you smell some shit? That was not awful. Her panties have a very similar smell. Pungent and nasty. Yeah.

This is having boys. This is having boys. Extra for the three days of wearing. I never tipped women. I never tipped women. Cause I felt like I was the tip. Let's give it up for that. I'm actually an achieve. I'm actually an achieve. I'm actually fucking an achieve. Give me a boner. This is giving me a boner. Boner. Right now. Boner.